


Before There Was You, There Was You

by Gina_Marie



Category: QAF US
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-09
Updated: 2011-03-23
Packaged: 2017-10-10 11:29:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 78
Words: 360,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gina_Marie/pseuds/Gina_Marie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian has a secret past that is about to be revealed. Old demons will need to be dealt with, and new ones will emerge.  How will Brian's past affect Justin, and their future together? Was it merely serendipity that brought Justin to that lamppost on that fateful night, or was it a preordained event?  This is a tale of pain and struggle, and love and hope.  Where old characters are merged with new ones and life takes some very interesting turns for the gang and especially for Brian and Justin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Past Secrects

"What's gone and what's past help, should be past grief."

 

The Winter's Tale - William Shakespeare

 

Michael walked into the diner and shook the freshly fallen snow from his shoulders. It was unusually cold for October and a bit early for snow, but somehow this sudden change in weather seemed fitting. He looked over at his mother, who was clearing the table of an empty booth at the far end. The place was quiet, the early breakfast crowd thinning as the work day began. Normally, Michael would be at the shop by now, but not today. Today he'll be late opening the Red Cape. If things didn't go well, the store might be closed for the entire day.

 

"Hey, honey, shouldn't you be at your store?" Debbie, his mother, looked over at him with a smile, her arms piled high with dirty dishes. He smiled back at her, trying to appear calm, normal, but knowing she wasn't going to buy it.

 

He loved his mother more than anything, and he knew she loved him unconditionally. She had sacrificed, and would sacrifice, anything for him. Yes, she was loud; yes, she was outrageous; and yes, she had him blushing with embarrassment on more than one occasion in public. But he could not imagine his world without her.

 

Growing up, during those early years, it was just the two of them. When he was feeling sad or hurt she always managed to make him feel better. Michael wasn't popular in school and he got picked on a lot. His grades suffered and his self-esteem was almost non-existent. The only one he could turn to for comfort was his mother. She was his friend, his confidant, his everything. Then Brian came into his life and everything changed.

 

Brian moved to Pittsburgh from New York when he was just 14. Debbie had known from the moment Michael brought home the beautiful, hazel-eyed young man that he was "trouble," to use her words. She also knew that from that day forward she would have to share Michael with Brian.

 

Debbie loved Brian like a son. She was there for him during a time when things were very bad for him. But the real truth of it was that she had no choice. She knew her little boy would never let Brian go, and in her attempt to keep Michael from running off with him - oh, and there was a time he really wanted to - she would have to take Brian in as one of her own. What she didn't know was what made Brian so special to Michael. He knew it still confused her.

 

In time, though, she did grow to love Brian, and probably resent him a little, too. But 17 years was a long time. A lifetime. And they all adjusted well.

 

It took Michael almost all that time to sort out his feelings for Brian. His love for him was deep, but he understood it more fully now. For the longest time he mistook it for romantic love. The kind of love you read about in dime store novels. Michael chalked that up to the dreamer in him. In truth, their love for each other was that of close brothers. Michael was often heard saying how Brian was "like" a brother to him. And he knew Brian felt and said the same. But no one would ever understand how deep their brotherly bond was. It was a bond that came out of a shared, traumatic experience - an experience so profound for Michael that his attachment to Brian afterwards was almost desperate. It was no wonder he was so confused about his feelings for Brian for so long. An experience like that changed a person. He had never told his mother about the experience - or anyone else for that matter. A promise had been made 17 years ago. A deed was done. A time long gone.

 

"Hello!? Michael, honey, where are you?" His mother's voice startled him out of his thoughts.

 

He walked over to her and placed a kiss on her cheek.

 

Smack. She playfully slapped him upside his head, the dirty dishes now gone from her arms. Michael rolled his eyes at her.

 

"Ma, don't start," he chided.

 

Michael's eyes skimmed the diner looking for signs of Justin.

 

"Justin off to school already?" he asked.

 

"Yeah. That kid's got more energy than an Eveready battery!" She sighed dramatically before she continued. "Poor Sunshine. Between working here, school and dealing with the almighty Mr. Kinney," she said the name like it left a bad taste in her mouth, "I don't know how he does it. Well, at least now he's with someone who can love him the way he deserves to be loved."

 

Michael opened his mouth to defend Brian - it was an automatic reaction on his part - but he quickly shut it, realizing he had no time to get into this debate. Brian would be here any minute. Besides, she knew as well as he did there would never be an end to Justin and Brian. Those two, by some cosmic reasoning he couldn't understand, were destined to be together.

 

He was hoping Justin wouldn't be here at this hour. It's why he had asked to meet Brian so late in the morning. He didn't know how Brian would react to his news, but he knew one thing for sure: Brian was too proud to show his vulnerability in front of anyone, especially Justin.

 

"We're not getting into this today, Ma, ok?" Michael said.

 

"Fine, then tell me what the hell you're doing here. Why aren't you at the store? Is something wrong?" she asked.

 

Here it comes.

 

"Listen, Ma, there's something important I have to talk to Brian about. I called him at his office - he's coming here to meet me."

 

She snorted her disgust.

 

"Why am I not surprised?" she all but sneered. "It's always about Brian! What's going on, Michael? And don't give me any bullshit!" She leaned in and stared directly into his eyes.

 

He sighed and held her stare for a long moment before he answered.

 

"I can't tell you, Ma," he said, holding his hand up to stop her before she started in on him again.

 

"Please, Ma, this is between Brian and me. And I'm not asking you, I'm telling you to butt out."

 

She stepped back a bit, holding his eyes with hers. She was startled by his bluntness. It wasn't that they hadn't had screaming matches before. Like when he first started seeing Ben and she told him she didn't want him seeing "that guy." He made it clear that he didn't care what she wanted; he was going to see Ben. That was a pretty emotional conversation. But this was different. This was no belligerent child standing in front of her. At this moment he was not a son needing approval or permission from his mother. He was a man, telling her quietly, and quite sincerely, that she could not interfere or be informed of his life at that moment. And there was no debate about it.

 

"If this is going to be a problem for you, we can meet somewhere else," he continued, making sure she understood the seriousness of his position.

 

It took her a minute to answer, and in that time Michael saw respect in her eyes and then acceptance.

 

"Ok, honey. I won't pry. But you do know I'm here for you," she hesitated, before adding, "for anything" - emphasizing the word "anything."

 

He nodded and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before heading over to the booth at the far end of the diner to wait. His mother went about her business, but every now and then she stole a worried glance in his direction.

 

Michael slid into the booth and removed his jacket, which was too lightweight for such a cold day. He shivered as he rubbed his arms. God, it's colder in here than it was outside, he thought. Or maybe the cold was coming from within him and had nothing to do with the temperature in the room. He couldn't decide. He reached over and put his hand inside the pocket of the jacket he had just discarded and pulled out the letter.

 

When the man came to his door at 6 a.m. this morning and handed the letter to Michael he knew. He recognized him instantly. Funny, Brian was like that - couldn't remember names for shit, but he never forgot a face. And the face at Michael's door that morning was all too familiar. He had seen it twice a year for almost 10 years. Well, not including the time Brian was in college. Then he saw it only once a year: in June when Brian was home from school. June and January. That's when "he" - the man whose face Michael would never forget - would come with her letters.

 

The man would suddenly appear out of nowhere to make his delivery. And it was always in a place where no one could see the exchange of letters. There would be one letter for Brian and one for Michael. Brian carried both their letters to her on him at all times during those two months, ready for when the man would arrive. Michael was usually with Brian when the man showed up. Hell, he was always with Brian. Michael smiled sadly to himself at that memory. God, how he depended on Brian back then - still depended on him.

 

Michael's letters to her were mostly short and sweet. His letters read like a greeting card: "Hope all is well, miss you, can't wait to see you again," yada yada. Why tell her more? Brian wrote pages and pages telling her all about their lives and the people in them. Anything Michael wrote would have only been redundant. The letters she wrote to him, on the other hand, were always more exciting than the ones he wrote her. She wrote about her travels, her aunt, what she was learning, all the exciting adventures she was having. Michael loved hearing from her. She sounded so happy and had a colorful way of describing all the places and people she'd experienced. It was almost as if all that had happened before she left was just a bad dream. Almost. Then one day the letters stopped coming.

 

It was the year Brian turned 24. That was a rough year for Brian. June passed, with no letter. At first Brian ignored it. Michael thought perhaps she just stopped writing to him. After all, she was closer to Brian. One night, as they were leaving Babylon, Michael asked Brian if he had heard from her.

 

"Mikey, Mikey, Mikey," he slurred, giving Michael that sexy lopsided grin of his as he threw an arm around his shoulder. "It's been 10 years. She has a fucking life. You should try getting one," he said, stumbling back a bit as he tried to light a cigarette.

 

Michael pushed at him, half angrily. "So what are you saying? After 10 years she just stops writing? Just like that? Doesn't sound like her."

 

That got Brian's attention. He straightened up and sobered up a bit. "She'll write. She's very busy with school." He paused, then added, "We'll be fucking drowning in all that bullshit she writes come January." He hugged Michael and kissed him on the mouth.

 

End of that conversation.

 

But then January came and went and still there was no letter. Brian had no idea where she was. That was the condition: no contact, no phone numbers, no addresses, nothing that could lead anyone to where she was. It was too dangerous. Even in her letters she was careful not to give out too much information. Michael didn't know what to think. He couldn't even imagine what was going through Brian's mind. He refused to talk to Michael.

 

Brian went into what Michael later dubbed as his "pain management" mode. Every night for months he literally drank, drugged and fucked until he passed out. Michael was still amazed at how Brian kept it together at work during that time. He managed to hide his pain from everyone. It was easy to hide in a bottle of Jim Beam. Michael watched helplessly as Brian's pain management started spiraling out of control. He was reverting back to...Michael shook his head, clearing his mind of those thoughts. Some memories were just too painful.

 

Lindsay noticed a change in Brian that year as well. She had always been in love with Brian, and in Michael's opinion she was still in love with Brian.

 

Michael snorted, a little too loud he assumed, because his mother's head snapped in his direction. He quickly hid the letter under the table and smiled at her.

 

"Hey, Ma, can you get me some coffee please?"

 

"No problem, sweetie," she said cheerily.

 

Michael breathed a sigh of relief. That was close. Fucking Lindsay. He wondered what part of Brian being gay did she still not get. Talk about dreamers. But she was, and still is, in tune with Brian's moods and noticed when his behavior changed. Of course, Brian never discussed it with her, and Michael would never dare speak of it to anyone. Ever. But it didn't matter. Just at the point when Michael feared Brian was going to totally lose it, something happened.

 

Two months after a year had passed with no letter, Brian told Michael he had been contacted. He was told she was fine, but she wouldn't be writing anymore. And that was it. If Brian knew why - and Michael suspected he did know - he wasn't going to share it with Michael. That hurt. Still hurt him. After what they went through together, the pain, the secrets .... Well, no use thinking about it now. He would have to be more careful. He couldn't let his emotions get the best of him. Not only did he not want his mother knowing about any of this, but he had to keep it together for Brian.

 

Of all the fucking times for her to start writing again! Hell, it had been over six years! Brian was not in a good place at the moment to deal with this shit. What with Justin leaving him for that fucking fiddler and Mel giving him shit about seeing his kid. Add to that the huge risk he was taking in starting his own agency - this was the last thing he needed! Michael stopped to breathe, calming himself. He had to get his emotions under control. Being Italian and gay was a lethal combination in the "drama queen" department.

 

His mother brought him the coffee and for once didn't say a word. She turned and headed back towards the kitchen as Michael put the letter back in his pocket and took a sip of the coffee. The diner door swung open and he felt a gust of cold air wash over him. God it must be really bad out for the wind to hit me all the way in the back of the diner, he thought, shivering. He placed the cup on the table and looked up to see Brian walk through the door. Michael could tell by his expression that he wasn't happy. Brian walked towards Michael and stopped in front of the booth. It seemed that someone watched the weather channel before dressing this morning, Michael noticed. Brian was wearing his black wool Armani coat. Always prepared. He looked as fucking gorgeous as ever - as if Brian fucking Kinney could look any other way, no matter what bullshit was going on in his life.

 

He looked down at Michael sharply.

 

"Mikey, this better be good. I got a bitch of a day ahead of me. I have four very important meetings lined up, one starting in less than an hour." He paused to look at his Swiss Jaeger-LeCoultre watch for effect. Ever the label queen. He let out a deep "I can't believe you're wasting my time" sigh and continued on his rant.

 

"Cynthia's got her pantyhose in a knot over a new hire in the art department. Ted's on my back about fucking insurance forms for Kinnetik, and I have a hangover from last night, which I wouldn't mind so much if I could remember how the fuck I got it and whether or not it was worth it." He looked at Michael, shooting him his most threatening glare. Of course it was wasted on his best friend.

 

"So do you want to tell me why the fuck I'm standing here instead of in my office preparing a pitch that will make my clients cum in their pants just from the mere brilliance of it - well that and from being subjected to my natural sexual magnetism?" He smirked at that last part.

 

After that list of complaints, Michael wasn't so sure he should share this latest development with him, but he had no choice. The longer he put it off, the more pissed Brian would be.

 

Michael decided to just give him the letter without any preliminaries. He grabbed his jacket and reached into his pocket to pull out the envelope. He turned to Brian, hesitantly offering him the envelope. Michael watched as Brian stared at his hand. For a moment, just a brief moment, Michael saw a look of shock wash over his face, and just as quickly it was gone. But it was there, and Michael caught it right before Brian slipped on his mask of indifference, the one he used when he was feeling most vulnerable. Michael stared at him, truly amazed at how he'd perfected that look. But Michael knew what the look meant. Brian was feeling some strong emotions over this new development.

 

"Brian," Michael struggled to keep his own emotions in check, "your sister wants to come home."


	2. The Letter

BRIAN POV

 

Breathe. Just breathe. You know how to do this, Kinney. You taught Justin how to do it all those nights he was curled up in the corner of our...um, my bedroom suffering from a panic attack. "In, then out. That's it, Sunshine, slow deep breaths, it will pass." Justin...I quickly looked around the diner while holding my breath. He's not here, good, I can breathe again.

Fuck! Fuck! When will it ever fucking end!? I knew this would happen one day. But did it have to be now? I tore my eyes from the letter in his hands and looked into his face. Great. I know he's afraid of what this means. He's afraid I'll go off on a bender again. So much time had passed, so many memories had been put to rest, only to be reawakened again. And Michael knew only half of it.

 

Pull yourself together, Kinney. So she wants to see you. How does that make you feel? Fuck if I know. Angry, thrilled, excited, scared...probably all of that. One thing is for sure: there are so many unanswered questions that I will fucking wring her neck if I have to! And why is she writing to Michael? Why not contact me after all this time? There were so many thoughts running through my head at that moment, but underneath it all there was...joy. My sister, my "real" sister - not my biological sister spawn from that heartless bitch who gave birth to me - was coming home to me.

 

Good old Joanie had been more than happy to pawn me off on the neighbors. I was barely out of diapers when Rena's mother took me in. How convenient for Joanie. Living at Rena's place gave Joanie freedom from having to be a mother to me without giving up appearances. We lived right next door, and for any major events in my life like soccer games or school awards Joanie would show up like the good Catholic mother she wanted to appear to be. But the Cardies were my "true" family, the only real family I'd ever had, till I was 14.

Maria Cardie, my surrogate mother and Rena's biological mother, died when I was 10, Rena was 9 and her brother, Andy, was 13. Emilian, Rena's father, was left alone to care for his children. His idea of caring killed his only son. I could only hope he was good and dead by now and by the most vile means possible if there was any justice in this fucked up world. Bile rose up in my throat at the thought of that animal. Over the years I'd become very good at burying that memory deep down inside, far away from where it could eat at my soul. It had already cost me part of my soul. But always, always with thoughts of Emilian there were memories of Andy.... Ok, time to breathe again, Kinney.

 

I forced a smile to my lips for Michael's benefit before reaching out to grab the letter from his hands. I dropped it on the table and took my coat off before sliding into the booth opposite him.

 

"Are you going to read it?" Michael asked.

 

I sighed. "I'm sure you'll tell me what she has to say." Leaning back against the booth, I looked behind me for Debbie. "Hey, Deb, can I get a cup of coffee here?" I snapped.

 

Debbie shot me that "what the fuck have you done now, Kinney" look and muttered some response I couldn't make out.

 

I turned back to Mikey. "Well? I really do have to get back to the office," I said, allowing my agitation to show.

 

"Jesus fucking Christ, Brian! Don't fucking act like this! Read the fucking letter!" Little Mikey was clearly pissed. Good. Let him feel a bit of what I was feeling.

 

"Why the fuck should I? She wrote it to you. I assume it was delivered in the usual manner?" My curiosity was getting the best of me. Truth be told, I was dying to know every detail of what was in that fucking letter and all the circumstances surrounding it.

 

"Yeah, he showed up at my door at 6 this morning."

 

"And you're just now telling me about it?"

 

I stopped myself from saying more. I let that slip. Fuck. I didn't want Michael to know how this latest bit of news was affecting me. I never let Mikey know just how deeply Rena affected me. He would never understand the pain we went through, watching Andy die. He had enough shit to deal with. Just being my friend for the past 17 years was trial enough on him. He got pulled into my family drama the first week I moved to the Pitts. Truth is, Rena and I could never have made it that first year we moved to the Pitts without him. Well, the year I moved to the Pitts. Rena ran away with me; I couldn't leave her in New York after Andy died. I only wished I could have saved Andy too. Not that I saved Rena. No. Fuck I couldn't save any of us, including myself.

 

Michael had helped me keep Rena safe until her aunt came to get her, all the while keeping it a secret from everyone. Then when Rena left and was finally safe, well, then life changed, first, for the worse, then eventually for the better. Hell, anything was better than that hell we had lived with, wasn't it? The beatings my father gave me were nothing compared to what had happened to Rena and Andy.

 

I could give a shit about what happened to me. Fuck, pain never bothered me. In fact, I'd become quite accustomed to it. It was never an issue for me. It was always more painful for me to watch those I loved in pain than to deal with pain myself. Shouldn't that be enough? Why did everyone I ever loved get hurt, or worse? Who the fuck cursed me? Well, knowing me, I probably fucked the wrong person in a past life and they were getting a bit of revenge in this life. I should talk to Zen Ben about karma, 'cause I got some pretty bad karma I'd like to shake.

 

"Here's your coffee, your Majesty," Debbie announced, breaking into my thoughts as she placed the steaming cup in front of me. I noticed it was in a to-go cup. I smiled. Debbie was always eager to get me away from her little boy. She was a smart woman - always was. Trouble is, she was fighting a losing battle. There were events in our lives that forever bound Mikey and me together, but Debbie had no clue about them. Hell, she didn't even know Rena even existed. If Rena came here, holy fuck, all hell would break loose!

"Thanks, Deb." I looked up at her and put my tongue in my cheek, waiting for some smart ass reply from her. None came. Good. She stalked off.

 

"So..." I looked back at Michael. "How does old Tom look these days? I can't believe that prick is still alive. Shit, he must have been 80 when he delivered that last letter." In truth, he was probably no more than 60.

 

"Tom? You never told me his name," Michael said, looking hurt.

 

"Yeah, well, it wasn't important," I replied. My eyes moved away from his.

 

There were so many things I had never told Michael. Things I had never told Justin. Justin, FUCK! I had to prepare him. He wouldn't understand the truth. Oh, and the truth would come out once Rena came home.

 

Stupid twat, running off with that fiddler. What the fuck was he thinking? Face it, Kinney, you all but threw him into that fiddler's arms. What the fuck was I thinking? I wasn't. I was reacting, pushing him away for his own good. I'd known for some time that I'd have to let him go, no matter how painful it would be for me. I refused to let him settle for less, to settle for me. But now I couldn't be there for him to properly answer the thousands of questions he'd have when Rena showed up - questions he was entitled to ask but probably wouldn't because he thought it wasn't his place anymore. As if there would ever be a time when there wouldn't be a place for him in my life. And once Rena saw him he would be connected to her in ways he wouldn't understand.

 

"Brian." Michael put aside his disappointment and got back to the letter at hand. His voice was soft, soothing. "She says she's writing me because she promised her aunt she wouldn't contact you. She says she wants to come home and she's begging me," he paused, picking up the letter and opening it to show me what she wrote.

 

I looked at the all-too-familiar handwriting and my heart skipped a beat. I stared at it; I couldn't look away. Rena was on those pages, the only memory, the only connection to Andy I'd ever have. The words were all blurry, and I realized tears were forming in my eyes. Michael was pointing to the page in front of me, talking.

 

"Right here she says that she agreed at first because she didn't want to hurt you anymore but -"

 

"What the fuck!"

 

I interrupted him and grabbed the letter from his hands, starting to read. What was she talking about? Didn't want to hurt me anymore? Where the fuck did she get the idea that she could ever hurt me? I continued to read the letter, careless to how pathetic I looked to Michael at that moment.

 

My dear Michael,

 

Please forgive me for my long absence. Believe me when I tell you that if it were in my power I would have written you sooner. But because of my love for my brother, and my duty to protect him, I had to stay away.

 

Though I've not written, I have kept up with your life, and of course Bean's. I may have promised that I wouldn't write anymore, but I did not promise that I would abandon you completely. I hope Bean knows that I would never truly abandon him. You should know that Tom has never stopped his semi-annual visits to the Pitts. He goes there and comes back and tells me how Bean and you are doing.

 

Congratulations on the comic book store! I still have the Captain Astro you gave me as a parting gift when Aunty Viv came to get me. It fills my heart to know you're living your dream. Oh, and Tom says he's seen you on a few occasions with a very handsome man! I'm so very happy for you! If all goes as I plan, I will be meeting your new beau soon ...

 

If you can forgive me, Michael, for not staying in touch, and I hope with all my heart that you can, I need you to do something for me. Michael, you need to get Bean to contact me. Please, whatever it takes, I'm begging you, get him to contact me.

 

He knows I can't break my promise. It's the one thing we both swore never to do, break a promise. Not unless someone's life is at stake. The only reason I made that promise to Aunt Viv was because Tom and she told me that Brian was holding on to our past. She told me that the letters I sent him kept him rooted in the hell we lived in as children and were stopping him from moving past it and getting on with his life. At first I didn't believe her. I mean, his letters were always so upbeat, and full of his plans for his future. His life at college, meeting Lindsay, getting his degree, working at the agency. But then, six years ago Aunt Viv and Tom showed me documents stating Bean was in a rehab center a year after I left! He never told me that. She told me he ran away back to New York after I left, and that his father was forced to sign him out and take him home. I know that had to be hard on him.

 

Aunt Viv said that things didn't get much better from that point on, and that his letters were filled with lies to protect me. I felt so guilty. I didn't know what to do. But if letting go of Bean meant giving him a chance at making a life for himself without the ghost of our past hanging over him, then I had to let him go.

 

Tom held back the truth from me for so long. He finally revealed to me that the first year, when I wrote my first letters to you and Bean, Bean was in rehab. That he had visited him there in New York to give him my letter and he waited for Bean to write one back to me. Bean never mentioned in that first letter where he was. I was so angry at Tom and Aunt Viv for not telling me, but the truth is, they both knew that if I had known, I would have run away, back to New York to find and help Bean. I believe Bean knew that as well. That's why he didn't mention it in his letter. I can understand that they were protecting me, but I am his sister. I had a right to know!

 

Tom agreed to continue his visits to Pittsburgh to check on you and Bean. And for the past several years it seems that Bean has been doing well. He made partner at the agency he was working for, and recently left to start his own agency, Kinnetik. I know about the many Cleo awards he's won. I'm so proud of him.

 

Tom also told me about two years ago that Bean had a son and started seeing a young man. He said he seemed so happy. So I kept my promise. God, you can't know how it fills my heart to know he has finally found happiness! And at the same time, it hurts me to be separated from my brother and not be able to see my nephew. I have so little family as it is.

 

I feel it's time for me to come home. That is, if Bean wants me to. Michael, I'm asking you to explain to Bean why I stopped writing him. I know he is very angry with me. Six years is a long time, he must think I've abandoned him, and after Andy.... Well, I don't think he can handle that.

 

Please let him know I love him and I want to come home to my family. I'm living at the Hilton in New York City right now. You can reach me on my assistant's phone, 212-555-5555. I don't own a cell phone and don't use phones in general if I don't have to. Long story. Shane, my assistant, will give me the call.

 

I'll never forget what you did for me 17 years ago, Michael. It seems you are destined to always be there when I need your help. I hope that one day I can repay the favor.

 

With all my love,

Rena Cardie-Kinney

 

Rena Cardie-Kinney? Not Rena Cardie. Rena wouldn't have signed her name that way if she hadn't legally changed it to Cardie-Kinney. Funny that that's the first thought that popped into my mind after reading her letter.

 

I pulled out my Razor and dialed the number written at the bottom of the letter. I suddenly remembered Michael was still sitting across the table from me. I looked up at him, phone to my ear, and watched the myriad of emotions play across his face. As the phone rang once, I said to him, "Rena's coming home." After the second ring, I heard a woman's voice, low with a husky quality to it.

 

"This is Bean Kinney," I informed the smoky-voiced woman on the other end of the call. "I want to talk to my sister."


	3. Rena

"How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?”  
Othello -- Shakespeare  
Rena was many things, but practical wasn’t one of them. She was a creature of habit – mostly bad habits. She lived on instinct. She was selfish, self-serving, controlling and greedy, not in the monetary sense, but in life. She craved life experiences. She was greedy when it came to knowledge, pleasure and the few people she loved in her life. She had her own code of honor: a code she, Brian and Andy formed when they were just babies really, a code she would never break, and was sure Brian had never broken either. It was a simple code really: never make promises you can’t keep. Never compromise your beliefs, and never regret or apologize for living your life the way you choose.

And Rena never apologized for her wanton, selfish ways. When she first moved in with her Aunt Viv she had no idea what to expect. It took her a long time to trust her aunt. Up until the day she came to take her away, Aunt Viv was only a name and a photo her mother had left behind. Viv could never have children of her own, so in a sense her taking Rena to live with her was a selfish act in itself. But Rena was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Aunt Viv made sure Rena never wanted for anything. She was allowed to make her own decisions from day one. She decided where she would live, what school she would attend, what clothes she would wear, who she would befriend, and all the millions of other decisions a young girl had to make while growing up. Rena was just 13 when she moved to France with her aunt. Viv had whisked her away to her château in Loire Valley, then just as quickly had left Rena to go on her honeymoon with her sixth husband. She’d had three others since then. Rena had been left with Aunt Viv’s “man,” Tom, and her new bodyguard, James. Rena remembered the talk they had right before Aunt Viv left that first time.  
“Rena, my girl. I know this is very inconvenient, but your Aunty Viv just got married and I’m off on my honeymoon! I wish we had more time to talk before I leave, but we’ll have the rest of our lives to get to know each other!” Viv smiled brilliantly, exposing perfectly white-capped teeth.  
“Now while I’m gone you just let Tom know what it is you need.” She took both of Rena's hands into hers as they sat facing each other on the veranda of her château overlooking the magnificent gardens. Rena was young but not stupid. She knew Viv was loaded. Her house, her clothes, her mannerisms – everything about her screamed money. Yet, she seemed so unaffected by it.  
Viv kissed both of Rena’s hands and leaned forward so that their faces were close to each other. “Rena,” she said softly, “what’s done is done. It’s your time now. You make the decisions. I promise you from now on no one will tell you or force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Rena found little comfort in those words at the time, mainly because she didn’t trust them. But she liked her aunt. It was barely two days since they had left Pittsburgh, and Rena had barely spoken a word to her. If Viv noticed, she never commented on it, but Rena was strangely comforted being around her.

Viv continued to hold Rena’s hands in hers, with their faces close, as if she was waiting for Rena to say something. Rena had no idea what to say so she simply said, “I don’t want to go to school.”

Viv threw her head back and laughed heartily. Rena loved the sound of her laugh. It was unaffected. Genuine.

“Oh, my dear child,” she managed to say between bursts of laughter, “one should never let such a mundane thing like school get in the way of one's education!”

Rena smiled. Oh yes, she liked this woman. And with those parting words and a kiss on Rena's forehead, Aunt Viv was off on her honeymoon. Rena did not see her again for 18 months.  
True to Aunt Viv’s promise, Rena was lady of the house. She did as she pleased. For the first few months she simply explored the beauty of France. She loved Loire Valley best. Though she spent a lot of time visiting the Louvre, the Orangeire, and the many other famous attractions in France, it was amongst the beautiful gardens of Loire Valley that Rena felt most at peace. However, after a while she grew bored. Having everything handed to you on a silver platter wasn’t as satisfying as she thought it would be. Truth was, even with all her newfound freedom she was still very much a prisoner.  
Rena was all too aware of the fact that Viv had technically kidnapped her. When she came to take Rena away, she told Rena and Brian that the only way she could keep Rena safe was if no one knew where Rena was. Her father still had rights to her and if she were found he could take her back. As far as Rena was concerned, that was not an option. She would slit her wrists before going back to her father. Brian and Rena agreed. She could never tell Brian or Michael where she was, but in her mind the thought of never seeing or talking to Brian again was not an option.

Being a bright child, Rena came up with the idea of Tom hand delivering letters back and forth between her and Brian and Michael. Above all, Rena needed to stay connected to her brother. She had lost so much; she wasn’t about to lose him.

Years flew by and Rena decided she did want to go to school. She found she was insatiable when it came to acquiring knowledge. She read every book she could get her hands on. She studied art, history and politics. She took a special interest in human behavioral studies and eventually received her doctorate in Behavioral Genetics – a subject she obsessed about. She yearned to find out what made people tick, and especially why people committed such evil acts. She only found more questions and no real answers. The human psyche was a deep mystery.

Rena also discovered she was insatiable when it came to pleasures of the flesh. She loved sex, with men and with women. She dabbled in S/M, BDSM, orgies, and many other variations of sex. To her, sex was fluid. It was never about gender or orientation. If it felt right, she went with it. She equated sex to a pleasure banquet and was determined to have her fill before the boat docked.

She attended several universities in her quest for knowledge, and in the process racked up many sexual experiences. During this time she continued to correspond with Brian and Michael. Michael was easy. Her letters to him were colorful but innocent; she spoke of the many places she had visited and the interesting people she had met along the way, never revealing too much information to let him know where she was at any given time. In truth, Rena didn’t know where she would be at any given time.

Her letters to Brian were very different. She wrote to him about everything that was going on in her life – the good, the bad and the ugly. Brian understood her and accepted her for who she was. He particularly liked to hear about her sexual exploits. Of course, his were just as adventurous. It was one of the many things they had in common; both had overactive libidos, though neither one ever questioned the source of it. That was dangerous territory.

On her 23rd birthday, Rena wanted to go home. In truth, she would have gone home when she turned 18, when she was no longer in danger of being taken by her father – she didn’t even know if he was still alive – but Viv said she should consider finishing school first. She wrote to Brian about it, and he agreed that she should finish her education. Rena was bright and worked hard in school. At 23 she had her PhD, a big party to mark the occasion, and a ticket home. That was when Tom and Viv told her about Brian’s stint in rehab. Guilt washed over her like hot molten lava. She was living the high life, learning and loving – well, screwing anyway – and Brian was struggling with past demons. He was stuck in time, and she was responsible for keeping him there. So she made that promise to Viv.  
Damn! She wished she'd never made the promise. Well, no regrets, right? Instead, she made Tom continue to make his bi-yearly trips to Pittsburgh so she could keep abreast of Brian’s life. But now it was time to go home. From all accounts, Brian was a successful businessman, had a son, and was dating a young blond. She wanted to see her brother again. Having made the decision, she sent Tom off with the letter to Michael. She hadn't broken her promise. She'd promised not to contact Brian; she hadn't promised not to contact Michael. She only wished Michael was still the innocent, caring person she remembered him to be. From the little information Tom had brought back after each visit, she knew that Brian and Michael were still very good friends.  
So, here she was, languorously lying on her side on a soft white leather sofa in her room at the Hilton Hotel in New York City, waiting for one very special phone call.

James, her bodyguard, was still with her after all these years. Wherever Rena went, James followed. He had an old-world European manner about him. He still called her “Domina.” Rena knew he was in love with her. She just didn’t know what to do about it. Having sex with him didn’t help the situation, but hey, no regrets, right? At that moment he was checking out the hotel, making sure they had a good security system in place. He was always mindful of her safety. As Tom was Aunt Viv’s man, James was her man.

Shane, her best friend and assistant, had also joined her on this trip. She had met Shane several years ago in LA while visiting Margot Hathaway, Viv’s best friend, on the set of her new movie – a movie Viv was backing financially.

Margot Hathaway had been Hollywood’s darling at one time, and was still very sexy at the age of 50. Her leading man for the film, Robert Connelly, was not as sexy – a fact that pissed Margot off. But Viv had insisted on casting him opposite Margot as part of the deal for financing the film. Viv and Margot were always pulling pranks like that on each other. Margot had agreed because, although she was a great actress, with two Oscars to prove it, she wasn’t 20 anymore and Hollywood was no longer sending her decent scripts. She had bought the script with her own money but needed financing to make the movie. For that she needed her pal Viv.

Robert Connelly would have been Margot’s last choice as leading man. Margot was famous for seducing all her leading men. She made it a point not to work opposite gay actors if she could help it; it would ruin her reputation as a worldly seductress and at 50, it was even more important to keep up that image. The problem was that Robert was gay, yet she was determined to have him, even if it meant she had to grow a cock. On the other hand, Robert had no interest in her. He was, however, discreet. On more than one occasion Robert had sneaked a young man into his dressing room. Rena was aware of Robert’s exploits. It was one of those well-known secrets in Hollywood.  
On one particular night Rena had seen one of Robert’s tricks sneaking into his room. The trick had beautiful black shaggy hair, smooth creamy skin, and the largest blue eyes, lithe in form and exuding sex from every pore. That had been Rena’s first impression of Shane. Shane was young and gorgeous, and Rena had no doubt that many older gay men had been charmed out of their money by the beautiful young boy. The only problem was that Shane was a girl. One would only have to watch her to know. But most men – or, more precisely, johns – never looked too closely at their tricks. Rena marveled at the fact that men fell for Shane's ruse.  
Rena had waited for Shane outside Robert’s dressing room that night. When she finally came out, her hair sticking up in odd directions, she was counting money. Rena cleared her throat loudly to get her attention.  
“Does your daddy know what his little girl does late at night?” she asked Shane playfully as she leaned against the wall near the dressing room door.

Shane turned and looked at her, and without skipping a beat replied, “Now why the hell would I tell him? He’d want a cut.” They both laughed.

Rena had offered her a job on the spot, and Shane, being no fool, accepted. After all, how long could she go on tricking for gay men? Although she didn’t mind sucking cock, she’d had enough of it to last a lifetime. She didn't look girlie enough to trick for straight guys, and finding lesbian tricks was a bitch. Most wanted lipstick lesbians and Shane was not a lipstick lesbian. Shane was androgynous.

Rena and Shane became fast friends, and Shane had proven herself to be invaluable to Rena. She was extremely smart, talented, and resourceful. She handled all of Rena’s appointments and personal business. If someone wanted access to Rena, they had to go through Shane. Other than Brian, Shane knew all of her secrets – well, almost all. Right now the only thing Shane needed to know was why Rena was in New York, and how important this trip was.

Shane paced in front of the large window in the hotel suite, cell phone clenched tightly in her hand. She was more nervous about this phone call than Rena was.  
Rena shifted on the couch and propped her head up on her hand, her elbow digging into the soft leather. She watched Shane pace nervously back and forth, wearing a path in the plush carpeting. The tension in her body made her look extremely sexy. Rena wanted to ease some of that tension out of her and in the process relieve some of the anxiety she was feeling.  
“Come here, Shane,” Rena cooed seductively. Shane stopped and looked over at her, blinking a few times, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

“I’m not having sex with you, Rena,” she stated definitively, before she resumed her pacing.

Rena sighed heavily. Sex with Shane was rare but always good. They both had an understanding about sex. It had nothing to do with their friendship or their working relationship; it was just an activity they shared, like playing racquetball but a lot more fun.

Shane stopped pacing and walked over to Rena. She knelt down and rested her chin on Rena's folded arms, leaning into the sofa. Rena reached down and ran her long slender finger down the side of Shane’s face. Shane turned into Rena’s soft caress and slowly looked up at her.

“What if he doesn’t call?” she asked the unthinkable.

“Of course he’ll call, Shane. Don’t be ridiculous.” How could she tell Shane that she had no doubt Brian would call, as long as Michael showed him the letter. However, that was in question.

“But it’s after 10. Tom delivered the letter at six this morning. Four hours ago. Michael must have talked to Brian by now. Tom said Brian was in town. He and Michael are still close friends. They haven’t heard from you in six years, Rena. Michael would have been on the phone to Brian the moment he closed the door on Tom this morning. You know that. So why hasn’t Brian called yet?”

Shane was trying to prepare Rena for the big disappointment she felt Rena was about to suffer. Rena looked down at her, seeing concern in her friend's deep blue eyes. But Rena wasn’t concerned. Rena was horny.

She lowered her head and brushed her lips against Shane’s. Shane didn’t move away, which pleased Rena. She pressed her lips more firmly against Shane’s, her tongue slipping out a bit to caress the softness of Shane's bottom lip. Shane leaned in to deepen the kiss. Rena reached over with her hand and cupped the back of Shane’s head, bringing her in closer, forcing Shane’s mouth open with her tongue so that she could taste her better.

Shane always tasted so good. Right now she tasted like mint and coffee. Shane moaned deeply and slowly stood up, careful not to break the kiss, while lifting her left leg up and over Rena’s hips. She dropped the phone on the floor and crawled up on the sofa, positioning her body over Rena’s.

Rena laid her head back against the arm of the sofa and brought her free hand down on Shane’s ass, pressing her body down more firmly into her own. With one hand cupping Shane’s head and the other pressed against her perfectly shaped ass, Rena could feel Shane’s excitement building. She slipped her hand inside Shane’s jeans and lightly caressed the crack of her ass, her hand dipping lower and lower…

“All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride…”

“Shane…” Rena pulled her mouth away from Shane’s, breaking the kiss. She placed her hands on her shoulders and gently started pushing her away. Shane moaned out her disappointment at the sudden rejection and pressed her body more firmly against the length of Rena’s, her mouth searching out Rena’s to recapture the kiss.

“All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride …”

“Shane!” Rena’s voice was sharp. “That’s the phone, babe.” Rena’s mind registered the words to Tom Jones’s song Mustang Sally coming from the cell phone. It was Shane’s favorite song and she had her cell’s ringtone programmed to play it.

Shane pulled up quickly and leaned over the sofa to where the phone lay on the floor, inches from her reach. She quickly flipped the top open before the third ring and answered in a very husky, aroused voice.

“Hello.” Shane attempted to gain control of her emotions. She was lying half on Rena, her other half dangling over the sofa. She cradled the phone in her hand and pressed it to her ear.

“This is Bean Kinney. I want to talk to my sister,” the man on the other end stated.

Shane turned her head to look at Rena, her eyes wide with surprise. Rena laughed and reached over to take the phone from her hand.

“Bean!” she excitedly breathed into the phone. “Your timing's for shit.”


	4. Justin

"Then must you speak of one that lov'd not wisely but too well."  
Othello -- Shakespeare

Justin walked down the steps of the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts and pulled his collar up around his neck to ward off the chill. He shifted the school bag swinging over his shoulder to rest more comfortably on his hip.

Fuck, it was cold! He headed for the stone bench where he sat to wait for Daphne to pick him up. Her mother had bought a new car and was letting Daphne use her old one to get back and forth to school. Since Justin wasn’t with Brian anymore it was getting harder to find transportation to and from his classes. Daphne’s and his schedules didn’t allow for her to give him a ride every day. On some days he had to walk. Thank God this wasn’t one of those days! It was a long walk from Ethan’s apartment to PIFA. Not that he minded walking, but he was glad to get the occasional ride from his best friend. On the mornings he worked at the diner he had to find a ride to work and then find a ride to school. If Daphne wasn’t available he took the bus, then had to walk as the bus stop was several blocks from school. Finding and scheduling rides back and forth from work to school was becoming a full-time job. It was one of the little things he had taken for granted when he was living with Brian. Brian had always driven him wherever he had to go, and if he couldn’t drive him he would arrange for a car service.

Justin pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. He didn’t know why he was still smoking. It wasn't that he smoked a lot; he had had the same pack for over a week now. But smoking was something he’d only done with Brian, and it was a habit he had taken with him when he had left Brian. One amongst many.

Justin took a deep pull from the cigarette as he let his mind wander, which was always a bad thing to do because when his mind wandered his thoughts inevitably turned to Brian. Guilt flooded him. He should be thinking about poor Ethan playing his violin on the street in this cold, and it would only get colder soon. He hated that Ethan had to play on the streets for money. Ethan was very talented, and Justin was sure that one day that talent would be appreciated by the right people. Justin cared about Ethan a lot. He would even go so far as to say he loved Ethan. The trouble was that he wasn’t in love with Ethan.

He knew he should feel guilty about that, but he couldn’t. Some things were out of one’s control, and being in love was one of them. He was still very much in love with Brian. In his very core he knew he would always be in love with Brian. That would never change. But at this time in his life he had to be away from Brian. Brian was hurting and hurting Justin in the process. It brought new meaning to the phrase, “You only hurt the one you love,” for Justin.

Justin had discovered how deeply Brian was hurt and damaged within the first weeks of seeing him – or, more accurately, stalking him. Justin smiled to himself. Brian had never had a chance. Justin had known from that very first night what Brian still refused to admit: that they were destined to be together. For two years Justin had tried hard to get Brian to open up to him, but fate always threw obstacles in their path.

His age was an issue for one. A 12-year difference wouldn’t matter to most people, but when you're Brian Kinney 12 years is a lifetime. Brian had always felt that Justin was giving up his youth by being with him, and nothing Justin did or said could convince Brian otherwise. For some odd reason, Brian had obsessed about Justin enjoying his youth to the fullest. It wasn’t like Justin was missing out on anything. He was enjoying his life with school and friends. Just because he hung out with Brian’s friends a lot didn’t mean Justin was missing out on his youth. They were his friends, too. Justin was more comfortable with them than most of the assholes his own age, except for Daphne, of course. Most guys his age were immature and homophobic pricks. Besides Daphne, Emmett was his closest friend. That didn’t change when Justin left Brian, but Brian didn’t see that. No, Brian was good at denying things that didn’t fit into what he believed to be true.

If that wasn’t bad enough, just when Justin thought Brian was starting to let himself feel for him he got bashed.

Justin threw his now finished cigarette to the ground in disgust and lit another one. Great, now he was chain smoking. Fucking Chris Hobbs! More than anything Justin hated Hobbs, not so much for bashing his head in – although that would definitely be reason enough to hate him – but for fucking up the little progress he had been making with Brian.

Brian had done something very much out of character when he went to Justin's prom, and Chris Hobbs had ruined it! Hobbs took so much from Justin that night, but the thing he took that hurt the most was his memory of Brian dancing with him. He would gladly live with his gimp hand and his panic attacks for the rest of his life if only he had that memory. Each time Daphne described the events of that night, before the bashing when Brian strolled into his school gym and took him into his arms, claiming him as his own, it made Justin want to scream. Damn it, that memory belonged to him! It was probably the only time Brian had let his emotional guard down in public. And by doing so, in Brian’s mind, he had almost lost Justin.

Brian still blamed himself for Justin’s bashing when in truth, if anyone was to blame, other than Hobbs, it was Justin.

Justin knew his own faults. He was passionate, impulsive and, at times, reckless. Like when he went to Liberty Avenue that first time. He had been only 17 and so very, very naïve. His only encounter with other gay men at that time had been chats on the internet, and those guys were freaks. God only knows what could have happened to him if Brian hadn’t found him standing under that lamppost.

That same impulsive, reckless nature that had led him to Liberty Avenue that fateful night had led him to embarrassing Hobbs on the street in front of his friends. He had known that Chris wouldn’t take that lying down. He shouldn’t have done it. Brian had warned him that his little act had just made him an enemy, and he was right.

His impulsive nature had also led him to leave the Rage party with Ethan. He was hurt, angry and fed up. It wasn't as if he would never have left Brian at some point. He had known he had to get away from Brian, but leaving the way he did was wrong. Justin regretted his actions that night. Brian didn’t deserve that. Things had been so bad for them at that point and Justin hadn't been thinking straight.

After the bashing, Brian had taken Justin in and nursed him back to health. He had been so focused on fixing what he thought he had broken that he had lost his focus on “them.” They had started slipping away from each other. Brian hadn't been letting Justin in, and other than sex, the only area where they were in total harmony, they hadn't been connecting.

It seemed that the more Justin had tried to connect with Brian outside the bedroom, the more Brian pulled away. But inside the bedroom Brian had been totally exposed emotionally to Justin. He had spoken volumes with every touch, every breath, and every kiss. Their souls had communed free from the bullshit of the world outside. If only we could have spent the rest of our lives in bed, Justin thought wistfully.

In the end Justin had stopped trying. Ethan had come along and it was so easy with Ethan. Ethan had given with such ease that Justin melted into it. For once, Justin hadn't had to work so hard to be with someone. It had been a revelation for him to finally hear someone say “I love you.” When Justin had left Brian he'd known that he was still in love with him, but being in love hadn't been enough. And Justin hadn't had the strength to carry them through a relationship on his love alone.

Justin crushed his second cigarette under his foot on the pavement. Maybe Brian was right. Where did his youth go? He sighed heavily. He was way too young to have this much emotional baggage.

“Beep, Beep!” Daphne’s car horn pulled him out of his thoughts. He stood up and walked over to the car, wrenching the door open to get in.

“Have you been smoking?” Daphne scrunched her nose up at Justin.

Justin settled into the passenger seat and put his seat belt on. “Yeah, why? It’s not like you never smoke,” he answered.

“Yeah, but you only smoke around Brian.”

Great, now she’s going to psychoanalyze me. “That’s not true!” he snapped defensively.

“Geesh, fine! Have it your way.” She turned her attention to the road and pulled out into the street.

They drove in silence for a few minutes before Daphne turned on the radio; Carly Simon’s “I Haven’t got Time for the Pain” was playing. Justin reached over and turned the station to something more recent and less prophetic. He settled on the college station. Great, they're playing “Heaven Forbid” by The Fray. He sighed and settled back into the seat.

Daphne sneaked a look at him, taking note of his dark mood. “Trouble in paradise?” she asked lightheartedly.

“Why would you say that?” Justin whispered, unconcerned. He turned to look out the passenger side window.

“Well, you’re in a mood,” she commented, “and if it isn’t Ethan, then it must be Brian."

Justin didn't acknowledge her comment and continued staring out the window.

“Ok, it’s Brian then. What happened?”

Justin let out an exasperated sound. “Why do you do that, Daphne?” he asked.

“Do what?”

“Assume my moods are centered on Brian,” Justin replied, slightly agitated. Daphne knew him too well.

“Well, Justin, if you must know, it’s because your mood does center on Brian. Have you talked to him since you moved in with Ethan?”

He didn't even bother denying her accusation that his mood was dependent on Brian. For the most part, she was right. “I’ve bumped into him a few times. It’s so weird. He’s friendly, asks how I’m doing. If I didn’t know better I’d think he didn’t give a shit.” Justin couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice.

“Hmmmm…but you do know better, Justin, right?” Daphne leaned towards him and bumped her head against his shoulder while keeping her eyes on the road.

Daphne was more of a romantic then he was. He smiled at her. “Yeah, Brian Kinney gives a shit. Okay? You happy now?” They both laughed.

“He left me a $20 tip the other day at the diner,” he informed her. “All he ordered was a coffee to go.”

“See, he does give a shit.”

“Actually, he always leaves me a $20 tip when he comes in.” Justin smiled to himself. It did make him feel good to know that Brian was still trying to take care of him, in his own small way.

“Wow, if you ask me, that’s true love,” Daphne said, laughing. Her cell phone started vibrating on the dashboard and she reached for it.

“Don’t you know talking on a cell phone while you’re driving is against the law?” Justin teased.

She gave him a “give me a break” look and answered the phone. “Daphne’s phone!” she cheerfully said. She listened to the speaker on the other end for a moment before saying, “Um, yeah, Brian, he’s right here. Do you want to talk to him?”

Justin nearly jumped in his seat. Brian had called her looking for him? Oh, this can’t be good, he thought. Daphne looked over at him and made a face, showing her surprise.

“Sure, Brian. Here.” She started to hand the phone to Justin but pulled it back and said, “Oh, and hello to you, too, Brian.” It was clear from her response that Brian was being his usual blunt self.

She smiled to herself at Brian's response and then handed the phone to Justin.

Justin took the phone from Daphne. “Brian?” he asked, as if there was a chance that it wasn’t Brian on the phone.

“Hey, Sunshine. How’s it going?”

Okay, this was weird. Brian was calling him Sunshine. It didn't sound sarcastic, but it didn't sound endearing either.

“Is something wrong?” Justin asked cautiously.

He heard Brian sigh on the other end of the phone. He started to get nervous when Brian didn't answer immediately.

“No. I’m going out of town for a few days.” He paused. “Justin, I need to talk to you before I go.”

Now Justin was really nervous. His stomach clenched. Something was wrong; he could feel it.

“Okay, when do you want to do this?” he asked.

“Now if you could. At the loft.”

Justin looked over at Daphne, who was hanging on to every word of the conversation. He was supposed to meet Ethan in the park this afternoon, but that was one appointment he wouldn't be able to keep.

“Hold on, I just need to ask Daphne if she can drop me off there.” Before he got a chance to ask her he noticed Daphne was vigorously nodding her head yes. He let out a nervous laugh.

“Daphne says no problem, Brian. I guess I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“Great. Later.”

“Later.” Justin closed the phone. Daphne turned the car around and headed for the loft without being told where to go. Sometimes he thought Daphne had a better grasp of his and Brian's relationship than he did.

“What the fuck was that about?” she finally blurted out.

“Hell if I know,” Justin answered honestly.

They rode in silence all the way to the loft. Daphne pulled up in front and put the car in park.

Justin looked up at the old familiar building. Fuck, this can't be good, he thought.


	5. Truth Be Told

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -- Maria Robinson

 

“Happy birthday, Rena.” Brian couldn’t believe he was actually talking to Rena after so many years. It was the first time he had heard her voice in 17 years. She sounded…confident.

“Why, Bean, you remembered!”

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and lowered his head. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he was talking to Rena again. It had been 17 years; they were both very different people now. At least when they were corresponding there was that connection. He was still in her life then. But it had been six years since he’d heard from her. A lot had happened in six years. But, hey, this was Rena. Yes, time had passed and they both had a lot of life experiences under their belts. But underneath it all they were still family.

“What kind of a brother would I be if I forgot your 30th birthday?” he quipped.

“Well apparently not the tactful kind. You didn’t have to mention my age!” She laughed huskily into the phone. Yes – that was his Rena.

“Knowing you, Rena, you’re telling people you’re 40 just so people will think you look good for your age,” Brian teased.

“Hey, I’m not the label queen, sweetheart. A hundred bucks says you're wearing Armani right now.”

God, am I that predictable, he thought.

“And a hundred bucks says I just interrupted you screwing the help.” Brian smiled into the phone.

“Oh! Ouch! When did you get so mean, Bean?” she asked in a hurt little voice that didn’t fool Brian one bit.

“Never mean, just honest,” he replied.

She laughed into the phone. “God, you have no idea how good it is to talk to you, Bean. I've missed you.”

Brian heard the emotion in her voice. “Yeah…me too,” he said.

They were both silent for a few minutes. So much time had passed. Each was aware of how fragile this phone call was.

Brian was the first to break the silence. “I read your letter,” he informed her.

“And?” she asked.

“And what?” He didn’t know to which part of the letter she was referring.

“How complicated would it make your life if I came home?”

He was starting to remember what he loved about Rena. She was a lot like him – direct and to the point. Her letters were a lot like that as well. She always said exactly what was on her mind.

“Very complicated. I should tell you to go fuck yourself. What was that bullshit you wrote to Mikey? Why the fuck would you think you were responsible for my actions?”

Six years were starting to catch up with Brian and he was letting his anger show.

“Fuck, Bean! How come you didn’t tell me you spent time in rehab after I left?”

“Because it was nothing and I knew you would take it to mean more than it did.” Brian couldn’t explain the whole truth while Michael was sitting across from him, hanging on to his every word.

“Right, nothing. Were you tricking?” Again with the bluntness.

Brian sighed deeply. His hangover was turning into a full-blown migraine. “Rena, I can't talk to you about this over the phone. There's too much to say that needs to be said in person.” Brian then made a decision. “I’m coming to New York.”

Michael’s eyes widened when he heard that. Brian shook his head as if to say “don’t.”

“Shit. That complicated, huh?” Rena wasn’t stupid.

Brian looked around the diner to make sure Debbie wasn’t within hearing distance. He lowered his voice and spoke into the phone. “Rena, no one here knows you exist. We never told anyone.” He paused, waiting for her reaction to that bit of news. When no response came he continued. “Mikey never told his mother.” He heard a sharp intake of breath.

“That’s not going to be an easy conversation,” she remarked.

“No, it’s not, but I’ll handle it.” Brian knew he would take the blame for that; he had to, mostly because he was to blame, but also because it would be easier for Debbie to believe that “big bad” Kinney had been responsible for Mikey’s actions. Brian didn’t want Debbie to feel hurt because Michael hadn't confided something so big.

“Deb has a right to know who you are before you come here. She was very good to me, Rena, after you left,” Brian explained.

“I know….” Rena said, regret heavy in her voice. “What about Lindsay and your other friends? Are you going to tell them, too?”

“No, they’ll find out when you get here. I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise.” Brian smiled. Oh they would be surprised all right. Brian liked keeping his friends off balance. It wouldn’t be good if they started to believe that they actually knew him.

Rena laughed. “You are so bad, Bean! You like stirring the pot, don’t you?”

“Me? Never! I can’t help it if my life is interesting,” Brain said innocently.

“Well, then, this should be fun!” Rena said excitedly. “So when can I expect you?”

“I’ll have to clear my calendar, and there's one other person I need to tell.”

Brian closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the booth. Justin. God, how he hated this. They were so distant, and this would put a bigger wedge between them. Brian didn’t want that to happen. He wanted Justin to be happy, and if that meant being with the fiddler then he was okay with that. But he needed Justin in his life. He couldn’t even think of the possibility of losing him totally. He knew he was a selfish prick, but he didn’t care. Justin was his small piece of happiness that he wasn’t willing to give up. Just seeing him, and being able to be near him…to smell him when he stood close to him in the diner…he couldn’t give that up. When he told Justin about Rena and his past, he would be risking losing Justin forever. But he also knew Justin deserved the truth; it was the least he could give the blond.

“Brian?” Rena must have sensed the solemnity in his voice when he mentioned this other person. She only used his given name when she was truly concerned. She had started calling him Bean when she was just three and had trouble pronouncing words. Then later she had kept the nickname because she said he looked like a string bean – tall and skinny.

“Yeah, it’s okay, Rena. We’ll talk when I get to New York. I should be there the day after tomorrow. I’ll call you,” he reassured her.

“Brian, I don’t want my showing back up into your life to cause any problems. I know you have family there. They are bound to feel hurt that you’ve not confided in them about me after all these years. Maybe it’s best –”

“Rena, just shut the fuck up already. You are my family. You are coming home. Everyone else will just have to deal. It’s time for you to come home,” Brian said with finality.

Rena was right. There were people who would be hurt, but he didn’t care. The only one he cared about was Justin, and it was about time Justin knew who he was. Everyone else could go fuck themselves.

“Then I’m coming home,” she agreed.

“Good, I’ll call you to let you know when I’ll be arriving.”

“I’ll be waiting. Oh, and Bean?” Rena croaked.

“What?” Brian asked.

“I love you.”

Brian sighed deeply into the phone. “I love you too, Rena,” he said and closed the phone. He set his Razor on the counter and stared at it. He didn’t know how long he sat there just looking at the phone, as if it were still connected to Rena. He was totally lost in his thoughts.

“Brian, did you hear what the fuck I just said?!” Michael was screeching about something.

“No, Mikey. Refresh my memory.” Brian’s mind was racing.

“I said how the fuck am I going to tell Ma?” Michael whined.

“You’re not. We’ll tell her together. But first I have to tell Justin.”

Michael’s face went blank. “Jesus, Brian, I’m sorry. This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Poor Justin.”

So much for his best friend helping him feel better. “Yeah, well, he deserves to know the truth.”

Michael had the courtesy to blush at his slip. “I’m sorry, Brian, you know I didn’t mean –”

Brian raised his hand to stop Michael from making it worse.

“It’s okay, Mikey. I know this is going to be hard for Justin to digest.” That’s an understatement, he thought.

“Brian, you love Justin. He knows that. You’ll get through this.”

Oh, now Mikey decided to be the supportive friend. Brian snorted. He picked up the phone and dialed. Justin had given him back the cell phone he had bought him when he left. Brian had no idea what the fiddler’s number was, nor would he ever want to know. So he called the one person who would help him track down Justin.

“Daphne’s phone!” she answered cheerfully.

“I need to talk to Justin. Do you know where I can find him?”


	6. The Loft

_ **The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love—William Shakespeare** _

 

"Jesus, Brian, you can't just disappear for a week at the drop of a hat!" Cynthia screeched into the phone.

 

Brian cradled his phone between his neck and shoulder as he pulled his Louis Vuitton suitcase from the closet. The first thing he'd done when he entered the loft was call Cynthia and ask her to make flight reservations and cancel his appointments for the next few days. He started packing as he talked.

 

Cynthia had every right to be mad. It was irresponsible for him to leave now, especially when his company was just taking off. Many people, some who left Vanguard to work for him, depended on him making a success of the company. He tried to make her understand the importance of this trip.

 

"Cynthia, please give me a break. If it wasn't really important, do you think I'd be going?" Brian tried to reason with her.

 

He opened the top draw of his bedside stand and found it empty. He stared at it for a minute and then remembered it was Justin's drawer. He closed it quickly. He couldn't think of that now. Justin would be here any minute. He went to the dresser on the other side of room.

 

"Brian, what are we supposed to do? John Remington has been waiting in your office for half an hour! I told him you had an emergency, that you were running a little late. And have you forgotten your 3 o'clock with Sparkle Spas? I don't think they'll appreciate getting lured from their old agency only to be stood up by the new guy in town." Cynthia was on the edge of hysterics.

 

Brian threw some garments in the expensive luggage and barked into the phone.

 

"I haven't forgotten a thing, Cynthia. It's my fucking company, remember?" He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his temple. He took a few calming breaths before he spoke again.

 

"Listen to me, Cynthia. Are you listening," Brian asked.

 

"Yes," Cynthia answered patiently.

 

"Have Ted do the presentation for Sparkle. He worked on it with me, he knows the whole campaign. He can make the pitch. The only other meetings I have today are with the new director of my art department and Ted about those fucking insurance forms. They both work for me, so they can wait. Reschedule them. As for Remington, put him on the phone, I'll deal with him." Brian was in damage control mode.

 

"When will you be back?" Cynthia seemed pacified.

 

"Next Monday. It's only two days, Cynthia." It was Wednesday so technically it was three days, but today was already shot.

 

"Okay, I'll shift the rest of the week's appointments around," she said.

 

Cynthia was the best. Brian was confident she could handle things while he was away. She was bright and extremely confident, and she was determined to see Kinnetik succeed. She hoped to be partner one day. He could see that happening down the road.

 

"Thanks, Cynthia. I'll keep in touch, and you know to call me if anything comes up that you can't handle. Now please put John on the phone for me."

 

Remington Pharmaceuticals was Brian's first client after he left Vanguard and his biggest client. If it weren't for Remington he wouldn't have been able to set up Kinnetik. Robert Remington Senior trusted Brian and had left Vanguard for Kinnetik, knowing that Brian was pretty much working out of a suitcase at the time. But the old man liked Brian's ideas, and gumption, as he put it.

 

Brian had made sure the old man wasn't disappointed. The first campaign he'd done for them was a huge success. Now they had a new product coming out on the market and they needed a brilliant campaign to launch it. And who better to make that magic happen than Brian? Robert didn't want any other agents at Kinnetik to work on it; Brian had to handle it personally and he was glad to, especially now that John, Robert's son, had taken over the company.

 

Brian liked John. He had taken a hands-on approach to every detail of the family business, including the advertising. He had worked with Brian over many hours developing strategies for the new campaign. They had actually become good friends, which was really odd and out of character because Brian didn't have any straight friends and John was definitely straight. But John was smart, ambitious, and arrogant—all traits Brian admired. Plus he made a great racket ball partner. Brian had even felt comfortable enough to talk to him about Justin. Nothing too personal, of course.

 

John knew Brian was gay. One day after they had finished working out a detail on a radio ad, John said to Brian out of the blue, "I hear you're gay, Brian." As if he were saying, "I hear you're a Met fan." Brian's defenses went up, as they always did around straight people who asked about his personal life.

 

"You heard right," Brian answered, then added for affect, "and unless I'm sucking your cock, I really don't think it's any of your business." Brian thought now that that had been a stupid, reckless move. He could have lost their business over a comment like that. At the time he hadn't known John well, and the old man would never have asked him such a personal question. But John just laughed and said, "Okay, point taken. I was just asking because my brother Bob is gay. Sorry, bad of me to try and match make."

 

That had made Brian laugh. Never before had anyone tried to fix him up on a date.

Brian told him he was seeing someone. What could he tell him? "Um, sorry, John, but I don't do relationships, I just fuck." No, that wouldn't do. So he kind of lied. Well, not really, because he was in a non-kind of relationship with Justin at the time. And that was the door that opened for future discussions about Justin.

 

"Mr. Kinney is on the phone for you ,Mr. Remington," Brian heard Cynthia say as she handed the phone to John.

 

"Hey, Brian, what's up," John asked.

 

"John, I'm so sorry, but I won't be able to make our appointment today. Cynthia will reschedule for us. Something came up and I have to leave town for a few days," Brian explained.

 

"Is everything alright?" John sounded genuinely concerned. John was loyal to a fault and took their friendship very seriously.

 

"Some family business I can't get into right now, but I promise to explain more when I get back. I'm going to have to cancel our racket ball date on Saturday as well," Brian said.

 

"No problem. It will just give me more time to practice so I can beat your sorry ass next time," John joked. "You take care, okay? Let me know if you need anything."

 

"Thanks, John, I'll talk to you when I get back on Monday. Give Robert my best," Brian said.

 

"Will do. Bye."

 

"Bye."

 

Brian shut his cell and ran his hand through his hair. He looked at the clock on his nightstand: 12:00 p.m. Where the fuck was Justin? He'd called him half an hour ago. He should have been here by now.

 

Brian walked into the kitchen and pulled down a glass and a bottle of Beam. He poured a hefty amount of the dark liquid into the glass and took a long swig.

The more he thought about it, the more he thought that maybe this conversation wouldn't be so bad, not if he left out some vital details. Some things need never be revealed. Only he and Rena knew the truth of those last months, those last days … Even Michael didn't know those details.

 

But Justin, well, he always knew when Brian was holding something back. Brian took another swig of Beam. There was nothing to do about it now but go for it. Some things were just out of his control.

 

***********************************************

 

"I'll sit here as long as you like, Justin. I'm your best friend. But as the saying goes, shit or get off the pot."

 

Justin thought Daphne had a colorful way of making a point. He'd been sitting in the car looking up at the tall brick building for the past 20 minutes. Daphne was right.

 

"Okay, lay off already. Fuck! I just need a minute. I haven't been here in over a month. It's not that easy, Daph," Justin tried to explain.

 

"You've had 20 minutes." She reminded him.

 

Justin bit his thumbnail nervously. He didn't know if he could handle being in the loft alone with Brian. The truth was—the God-awful truth he was desperately trying to deny to himself—he missed Brian. Every time he was near Brian his body responded. It was like it had a mind of its own. It wasn't just his cock, though that usually got hard when Brian was in close proximity; it was his entire body. His body ached to be touched by Brian again. He didn't trust himself to go up to the loft and not throw himself at Brian.

 

"Justin!" Daphne was getting impatient.

 

"Okay! I'm going." Justin opened the car door and got out.

 

"Do you want me to wait for you? Or if you prefer, just call my cell and I'll come back and get you when you're finished," Daphne offered.

 

"Thanks, Daph. I'll call you if I need a ride," Justin said.

 

If? What the fuck was he thinking!? He closed the car door and walked towards the building's entrance.

 

Daphne rolled down the passenger side window and yelled, "You better call me and tell me everything!"

 

He turned and waved her away, then rang the bell for entrance.

 

Brian buzzed him up. Justin stepped into the elevator and sent a silent prayer up for strength. As soon as he stepped out of the elevator Brian opened the door to the loft.

 

"Hey," Brian said, and stepped aside to let Justin in.

 

"Hey," Justin answered and walked past Brian into the loft.

 

Brian closed the door behind him. He loved the way Justin smelled—a combination of innocence and sex. It was uniquely his scent and no aphrodisiac could match its power. Brian had to steel himself against it.

 

Justin walked to the middle of the loft, unsure of where to go. He turned to look at Brian, waiting to be invited to sit or something. It was the something that had his heart beating wildly.

 

Brian watched Justin standing in the middle of the loft unsure of what to do and no doubt wondering why he was here. God, he looked good. He had on his white jacket, with his messenger bag slung over his shoulder. His hair was a little longer. Brian liked it. Justin shifted and his jacket slipped open a bit. Brian noticed he had lost some weight. He frowned. Wasn't he eating enough? Couldn't that fucking fiddler afford to feed him? For the first time Brian had doubts about letting Justin go live with Ian. It made him angry.

 

"You lost weight," Brian accused, looking at Justin with disgust.

 

Justin took offense and snapped back, "And you care why?"

 

Brian raised his eyebrow and put his tongue in his cheek at Justin's retort. He looked away from Justin and walked to the kitchen to pull down a glass. He poured Beam into his glass and another glass for Justin. He picked up both glasses and walked over to Justin.

 

"Who says I care," he replied. "I was just making an observation." He handed Justin the glass of Beam.

 

Justin took the glass, his anger rising. He took a long drink of the harsh liquid. It burned all the way down his throat. He welcomed the feel of it.

 

"While we're making observations, how's this one for you? You're still an asshole." Justin glared at Brian.

 

Shit! He thought he was past this, but obviously he wasn't. He was still angry with Brian. Before he left he was so needy, confessing his affair with Ethan and asking Brian if he cared if he left. Then when he didn't get the answer he'd wanted he just left Brian at the party. He never vented his anger at Brian. Oh and he was angry! He never would have had the affair with Ethan if Brian had acted like a fucking human being for at least 10 minutes out of a day. Maybe this was what this was about, Justin thought. He was sure Brian had some unresolved anger of his own. After all, Justin had embarrassed him in front of his friends by leaving with another guy. Not that Brian would be upset that Justin had left him! No, the almighty Kinney was more concerned about his image than Justin's feelings.

 

Brian saw Justin's blue eyes grow dark and stormy as his anger started taking hold of him. It sparked his own anger. How dare the little fuck! He left him! And at a party he threw for him! If anyone was the wounded party here, it was him, Brian thought angrily. Okay, so he knew he'd pushed Justin into Ethan's arms, but, hey, that wasn't the point! Brian leaned into Justin, his own eye's blaring.

 

"Tell me how much of an asshole I was while you were fucking that fiddler behind my back!" Brian yelled into his face.

 

This only made Justin more angry. "I'm surprised you noticed. When was that? Between trick numbers four and five?" Justin had stepped into dangerous territory but he was beyond caring. "Did it upset you that I didn't bring Ethan to bed for you to fuck? I mean, that was my job, right? To bring home tricks for you?"

 

Brian snorted. "Don't play the innocent with me, Sunshine," he sneered.

 

"You loved fucking all those guys. And as for Ian, you should know I don't do pity fucks." Brian aimed to hurt. Fuck, this was NOT where he wanted this conversation to go. It was getting out of control, but Brian couldn't stop himself. Justin was pushing his buttons, bringing out feelings he'd successfully bottled up until now. He had to get the conversation back on track. He was leaving on an early plane tomorrow for New York and needed to explain things to Justin. Instead, he was standing here having a pissing contest with him. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!!

 

Justin snapped his head back as if Brian had smacked him. Then his eyes grew even darker, if that were possible. Brian was afraid he'd gone too far.

 

Justin pulled himself up on his toes to bring himself close to Brian's face and growled with all his pent-up emotions, "Fuck you, Brian!"

 

Their faces were so close their heated breaths mingled with each other's. They stood like that for a long moment, neither daring to make a move. Their eyes locked together. And then, Justin saw it—the change in Brian's eyes.

 

Brian threw his glass against the wall, liquid and glass splintering on the wooden floor. Justin held his gaze and did the same with his glass.

 

Brian grabbed the front of Justin's jacket and pulled him closer, then turned him around and slammed him against one of the beams. Justin's whole body came alive.

 

Brian looked at Justin's mouth, desire hot and strong running through his veins.

Justin's chest rose and feel rapidly. Brian could smell his desire. Justin's tongue darted out and ran along his bottom lip. Brian sucked in his breath at the sight.

 

"Yeah," Brian said, low and husky. "Fuck me." Then he brought his mouth down hard on Justin's.

 

Justin brought his arms up around Brian and pulled his body against his own.

 

Yeah, Brian thought, some things would always be out of his control …


	7. The Best Laid Plans

_ **You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.—Julie de Lespinasse** _

 

'_God, could this be any harder,_' Justin thought. Well, actually, he hadn't been this hard in a while. And yet, knowing how hard it was, and always would be, he couldn't prevent it if his life depended on it. His body needed Brian's body just as it needed air to breathe.

Brian was claiming him with his kiss. He felt it in his soul, and Justin was not about to deny him. As if he could. Justin whimpered into Brian's mouth, which only inflamed Brian's passion more. Brian ran his hands though Justin's hair and tilted his head to better access his mouth.

All the anger, all the longing, all the love, all the hate, poured into his lover. Yes, his lover. Justin resigned himself to that truth. He belonged to Brian.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and pulled him against his body. Their hard cocks rubbed against each other. Brian groaned and rotated his hips against Justin's.

Justin grabbed hold of Brian's shirt from the back and started pulling it out from his trousers. Brian was still in his work clothes, minus the suit jacket. Brian released his hold on Justin's head, without breaking the kiss, and helped Justin remove his shirt. Justin ran his hands frantically over Brian's bare back, reveling in the feel of his hard, smooth skin.

Brian slipped the strap of the messenger bag off Justin's shoulder so that it fell down around his body and landed on the floor. Then he removed the white jacket and tossed it to the side.

They never broke the kiss, which alternately went from desperate and hot to soft and tender. It was always in his kiss that Brian spoke volumes about his emotions. Justin was feeling them all now. He let himself open to hear Brian through his kiss.

Brian was horny—yes, always that but he was loving Justin with his kiss. He was telling Justin how much he missed him, how much he wanted him.

Justin tried to pull back from the kiss so he could pull his Henley t-shirt over his head but Brian moaned in protest, thinking Justin wanted to pull away from him. Justin didn't fight him; instead, he took Brian's hands and placed them under his shirt, silently telling him what he wanted.

Brian ran his hands up Justin's chest to the juncture under his arms where he forced Justin's arms up over his head, then reluctantly he released his mouth so that he could remove Justin's shirt. In that brief moment, when their lips weren't locked, Justin stared into Brian's eyes and saw pain.

Justin immediately felt concern. Brian sensed it. "Don't," he whispered. He was telling Justin once again, "I can't let you in. "

They stood there, panting from their aroused state, chests naked, skin touching skin. Brian's hands rested on the beam on either side of Justin's head. He lowered his head to Justin's, his lips ready to recapture the kiss. But neither moved. Brian was waiting for Justin to accept him.

And that was the problem.

"Jesus, Brian, what?"

The desperation in Justin's voice tore at Brian's heart. He rested his forehead against Justin's, trying to calm his racing heart and control his mounting desire.

"Justin, please …" he managed to croak out. God, he needed Justin right now. He needed to feel him, to taste him, to burn into memory every inch of him. After today, he had no idea where they would stand.

Justin was standing firm. He had to stop this vicious cycle. It was killing both of them. And Ethan … Fuck, Ethan! He couldn't think of that now. It was just him and Brian and this was a pivotal point in their non-fucked up relationship. It was either take one step forward or never go back.

Justin moved his hands up Brian's back and wrapped his arms around his neck. His forehead rested on Brian's.

"Brian, listen to me," he paused "Are you listening to me," Justin asked.

Brian nodded his head slightly against Justin's.

"Take me there. You know I want to go. But you have to take me. You know how to. You just won't." Justin took a deep breath.

"The night before I left, I told you that Ethan could love me, that you can't. And do you remember what you said?" Justin didn't wait for an answer. "You said, 'not can't, won't'." Justin turned his face to rub his cheek against Brian's.

Brian sighed and melted into Justin.

"You can, Brian. You can. Whatever is holding you back, let it go."

Brian slowly closed his eyes, afraid of losing the moment. Heavy with anticipation about how this next sentence would be received, Brian said, "You don't understand, Justin, we have to talk."

Justin drew in a quiet breath, pulling away just enough to look into Brian's face. He tightened his embrace and pivoted them around so that Brian was leaning against the beam.

Justin pulled back from him. Brian froze, eyes still closed.   
He felt a tug on his pants as Justin pulled them down. He opened his eyes to find Justin looking up at him with a look of defiant love, need, and passion.

Brian's hard cock was mere centimeters from Justin's lips.

"You talk, I'll listen," Justin said, immediately before he took Brian into his mouth.

Brian arched his back as he raised his arms over his head to grab the beam behind him. Justin was tormenting him with his lips and tongue.

Justin slid his mouth all the way down the base of his cock, then slowly pulled his lips, taut, back up to the head. When he got to the tip he slowly circled it with his tongue.

"Talk, Brian," he said before resuming his ministrations.

"Arrrrghhhh …" was all Brian could manage.

Justin repeated his actions.

"You'll have to do better than that," Justin said as he teased Brian's cock.

Brian hissed. "Fuck, Justin, what do you want me to say?" Brian's body was taut with sexual tension.

"Start by telling me where the pain comes from." Justin let his tongue roam up and down the base of Brian's cock, slipping underneath to tease his balls.

Brian moaned deeply. "Now," he asked incredibly.

"Yes, now." Justin said. "Consider it pain management. Don't think, just feel, and talk. I'm listening, and …" Justin paused and rubbed his cheek against Brian's cock, " … you're safe."

Brian's emotions were raw.

Justin resumed worshiping Brian's cock. And Brian talked. Mindlessly, he just started talking. He was numb to everything but the feel of Justin's mouth on his cock.

"I won't love again because I can't take the pain when it's gone."

Justin stilled his movements for a mere second and felt Brian stiffen. He quickly doubled his efforts to bring Brian's mind back to feeling, not thinking.

Brian sucked in his breath. Justin massaged his ass and thighs, silently encouraging him to continue.

"He died on me. Because of me …" Justin was sure Brian wasn't even conscious of what he was saying. His voice was strained, as if his thoughts were being pulled from his self-conscious. He was lost somewhere between his pleasure and pain.

Justin made every effort not to stop no matter what Brian said. He kept taking Brian to the edge and back—sucking, licking and touching him in ways that spoke of love and trust.

"I couldn't save him …" Brian was breathing heavily, his orgasm upon him. Justin tried to slow it down; he wanted Brian to continue.

"I tried … I swear … I even … But at least I saved her … and now … she's … she's … ughhhhh … ughhhhhh".

Fuck! Justin thought, but he had heard enough. It was more than he ever imagined Brian would share. There were so many questions, but they had a start. And Justin felt again that for the first time in a long time there was hope.

He pulled Brian deep into his mouth and slid a finger into his ass while his thumb rubbed little circles around the base of his balls.

Brian thrust into Justin's mouth and reached down to grab his head. He came hard, pouring everything he had into his open, waiting mouth. His seed, his secrets, his love his pain … all of it, and Justin suckled until Brian was spent and slid down the beam to sit on the floor.

Justin rested his head on Brian's lap, waiting for his breathing to slow down to normal.

He lifted his head to look at him. His eyes were closed. Tears silently ran down his cheeks. Justin reached up and captured one, then licked it off his finger.

"Now she's … what Brian," He asked softly.

"Now she's coming home." Brian answered.


	8. Where You Go, I Follow

_**“Tell me and I'll forget. Show me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll understand.”**_ \-- Confucius

 

Brian idly ran his fingers through the soft blond locks lying on his lap. He felt exposed, and yet there was a deep sense of relief flooding through him, as if a valve inside had been turned on and some pressure was released.

He looked down at the head resting in his lap. Justin’s cheek was warm against his thigh, his breathing soft as if he were asleep. But Brian knew better. Justin was waiting for his reaction. Probably gearing himself up for a fight or rejection.

He had fought Justin from day one. He was always pushing him away, always making him work so fucking hard for something Brian believed he would never give him.

Yet, being the selfish prick he was, he pushed with one hand and pulled with the other. God, what had he done to him? Justin…who had only wanted to love him, and on Brian’s terms if that was what it took to be with him. Justin loved completely, unselfishly and fiercely.

But no, Brian fucking Kinney wouldn’t let him. Truth was, he didn’t trust love. Just about everyone he knew yearned for love, as if it were the only thing worth living for. But Brian knew better. Love was cruel and spiteful. Love fucked you with illusions of happiness and ever after when in reality it only led you down a path of pain and destruction.

But then there was Justin, who challenged every thought and belief he had on the subject.

Looking down on the beautiful boy who had just given him a precious gift, Brian knew he would gladly endure a lifetime of pain and misery just for the promise of five minutes in Justin’s arms.

“Hey,” Brian said softly.

Justin turned his head and smiled up at him. Brian saw the apprehension in his eyes.

“You know I want to fuck you into the mattress right now, don’t you?” Brian asked, shooting Justin his famous sexy smirk.

Justin laughed and lifted himself up to give Brian a kiss, hugging him fiercely.

Brian stood up, taking Justin with him and somehow they made their way to the bedroom, between tripping over half-discarded clothes and groping and kissing each other. By the time they reached the bedroom they were both naked.

Brian laid Justin down on the bed, the blue light illuminating their bodies. He loomed over him and started kissing him all over, beginning with his eyes, then his cheeks, the corner of his mouth, down to his neck, and further.

Brian took his time in lavishing all of Justin’s body, taking care to linger at all the sensitive spots that he knew so well. He knew every nerve, every curve and line of his body and how to excite and elicit those sweet moans he loved to hear pour out of Justin’s mouth.

Justin writhed beneath him, his body seeking more, and Brian gave more. He turned Justin over and began kissing down his back before running his tongue between his shoulder blades, all the while his hands running up and down his sides, gliding over the soft skin. He dipped his head lower to the small of his back where he traced little circles with his tongue. Justin moaned deeply and pushed his hips up to meet Brian.

Brian dipped lower, his tongue trailing hot saliva down to the cleft that led to his entrance. Justin grabbed the sheets tightly in his fists and hissed loudly.

Brian smiled to himself and continued his torturous onslaught on Justin’s tight opening. He took his time readying Justin. Justin’s body tensed and Brian could feel his orgasm creeping up on him.

“Shhhhhh…” he raised himself up to whisper into Justin’s ear. “Not yet…” he crooned.

Justin cried out in frustration. Brian laughed softly. “Such an eager boy, aren’t you?” he teased. He reached over and grabbed a condom from the night stand. He held the foil up to Justin’s mouth. “Open,” he commanded. Justin opened his mouth and Brian placed the foil between his teeth. Justin bit down and tore the package open.

“Good boy,” Brian praised and kissed him behind his ear. Justin moaned at the contact. “Now put it on me,” he said.

Justin turned over and rolled the condom onto Brian’s strained cock, kissing and licking as he did so.

“Roll over,” Brian instructed once the condom was on. Justin rolled back over and Brian grabbed him by the hips and pulled him up toward his throbbing cock.

He pressed himself against Justin and slowly entered him, reveling in the hot tightness of him. Justin was too eager though and pushed himself back hard against Brian, taking all of him in with one swift movement. He gasped loudly at the sudden intrusion.

“Easy,” Brian cautioned. “I’ll take you there. Trust me.”

Justin relaxed and let Brian control him. Brian remained embedded in him for a few seconds so that Justin could adjust to the fullness of him before he started the age-old rhythm of their union. He kept his strokes slow and steady, all the while kissing the back of Justin’s neck, whispering words of passion in his ear.

Justin rocked back against him, savoring each stroke, each kiss, each word. Brian was taking him to that place that only he could take him.

Brian reached beneath Justin, took hold of his cock and started stroking him.

Justin turned his head to kiss Brian. The older man met his mouth eagerly and ravished it. His strokes intensified. He started fucking him harder and faster, while Justin urged him on.

Their passion was at fever pitch; pure, animalistic instinct seized them as they became one. Each fed off the other, giving and taking.

Where one ended and the other began was no longer discernable.

And then it hit them, like hot waves of molten gold running through their veins; their orgasms rippled through them. Brian bit down on Justin’s shoulder, marking him. Justin cried out his release. Their bodies locked together, their release washed over them until they were reduced to listless masses of flesh, quivering and sweating.

Brian collapsed on top of Justin, spent, sated. Justin melded into him.

After a few minutes Brian rolled to his side and took Justin with him. They lay like that, Justin nestled into Brian’s back, Brian’s arm draped over him, pulling him tight against him.

Yes, Brian thought, this is worth any hell that might come my way.

***

Justin stretched and glanced at the clock on the night stand – 6:00 p.m. Shit! He needed to call Ethan. That should be an interesting conversation.

He felt Brian shift next to him. Memories of their passion flooded him. Never had sex been so intense, so…if he dared think the word, emotional. Brian would surely cringe at that lesbianic thought.

He turned over to look at Brian. He looked at peace, sleeping soundly. Brian hardly ever slept soundly. Justin knew those few words he had spoken about his pain were in some way liberating to Brian. He felt it in his touch, in his kiss, in their lovemaking.

Justin had so many questions for Brian. “He died,” Brian had said. Who? It was obvious from the pain in his voice that Brian had strong feelings for whoever he was. Was he the one who turned Brian against love? And who was “she” that was coming home? Justin’s head was spinning. He would have to be patient. He had to let Brian tell him in his own time. Justin had to be careful not to push too hard. Brian had already given so much.

Justin quietly slipped out of bed and waded to the living room to find his pants. He pulled them on, then went to the kitchen, careful not to step on the broken glass from their earlier encounter.

Justin smiled to himself. They were nothing if not volatile. He grabbed the phone off the counter and dialed. It barely rang on the other end before Ethan answered it.

“Justin?” Ethan breathed into the phone.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Justin didn’t know what the fuck to say to Ethan.

He was such a fuck up. First, he cheated on Brian and left him for Ethan, now he had cheated on Ethan and would most likely leave him for Brian. And they say Brian’s the asshole? Wait, Justin thought, I’m the one who said that. He sighed, running his hand through his hair. He was a cheat and a liar. Well, he couldn’t fix the cheating part, but he wasn’t going to lie anymore.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Ethan screeched into the phone.

“I’m with Brian,” Justin said emotionlessly.

Pause.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Okay, Ethan was freaked. Did he expect less?

“Ethan, calm down,” Justin tried to reason. Yeah, he thought, you’re going to reason your way out of this one, Taylor. Nice try. There was no way around this. He was going to hurt Ethan, probably as bad as Brian had hurt him though he doubted it. He doubted very much that Ethan had ever loved him as much as Justin loved Brian.

“Calm down?? You stood me up at the park! I called all over looking for you. And several hours later you call me to tell me you’re with your ex? Next thing you’ll be telling me is that you spent the day fucking him as well!” Ethan accused.

Justin physically cringed. Ouch! Put like that it does sound bad, Justin thought. He went silent.

Ethan heard that silence loud and clear.

“Motherfucker! How the fuck could you do this to me?!” Justin could hear the tears in his voice.

“Ethan…I’m so sorry. Please….” Please what? Please forgive him? He didn’t deserve Ethan's forgiveness. Justin felt like shit.

“Sorry? SORRY? Justin, what the fuck is wrong with you? Is the sex that fucking good that you’re willing to throw away all self respect on that whore?” Ethan screeched.

Okay, that pissed Justin off. “Ethan, first of all, I am sorry. You deserve better than this. I cheated on you, just like I cheated on Brian. And you have every right to be angry.” He paused. “But don’t you EVER refer to Brian as a whore to me again. EVER!”

Fuck it. What was done was done. Justin had made his bed two years ago with Brian. In or out of their non-relationship, Justin would always be loyal to Brian. If Ethan didn’t understand that before, he surely would now.

Justin looked up and saw Brian watching him from the bedroom door. He probably woke Brian with his yelling. He shrugged his shoulders at the brunet and gave him a sad smile.

Brian walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of guava juice. He held it up to Justin, silently offering him some of the juice. Justin shook his head no.

“I can’t fucking believe I’m hearing this! Don’t I mean anything to you? We love each other, Justin. You said you loved me!” Ethan sounded desperate.

Justin rubbed his temple. Brian took a swig of the juice and set the bottle on the counter. He came around and placed his hands on Justin’s shoulders and gently massaged them. He knew this was difficult for Justin.

Justin sighed heavily into the phone. “I never said I loved you, Ethan.”

Justin could feel Brian stiffen behind him, but he didn’t stop massaging his shoulders.

“You didn’t have to. I felt it,” Ethan said.

“Did you?” Justin asked honestly. “Let's be clear, Ethan. You never even asked me if I loved you. Were you that sure of me, or yourself? Truth is, you didn’t want to know. The only thing you truly love is your music. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. You were there for me at a time when I needed someone to pay attention to me. You gave me that attention. I'll always be grateful to you for that.”

Justin paused, acutely aware that Brian was listening to this whole conversation, but these things had to be said, and both Brian and Ethan needed to hear them.

“Our relationship taught me a lot, Ethan. Things were always very good with you. Being with you was easy, and you were very loving and attentive. I was truly content. Unfortunately, I realized that I don’t do contentment. I do intense. I like being intense about my art, my school, my family, my friends and, yes, Brian.”

Justin raised his free hand and laid it on top of Brian’s left hand that was still rubbing his shoulders.

“I'd burnt out, Ethan, and I was looking for a place to rest my mind for a while. I’m sorry, but you were that place. Now it’s time for me to go home.”

Justin hated doing this to Ethan, especially over the phone. But there was no going back. He hadn't planned this.

Brian reached down and kissed his neck.

“Just like that? You’re going back to Brian?” Ethan asked dejectedly.

“Yeah, just like that. That’s how it’s always been with us. Together, not together. Just like that. I’m sorry.” There was nothing more to say.

“I want you out of here tonight. You’ll find your things out on the street. Put the key in my mailbox. Oh, and Justin, I hope you get all you deserve!” Ethan spat out sarcastically, before slamming the phone down.

Justin winced away from the phone as it slammed in his ear. He placed the phone back on the counter and raised his other hand to hold Brian’s.

“You okay?” Brian asked, rubbing his nose in Justin’s hair, his hands clutching his shoulders.

“Other than being kicked out again and having my things thrown in the streets, I’d say yeah, I’m pretty good.” Justin turned around to face Brian.

Brian laughed. “And they call me the heartbreaker!”

Justin playfully smacked his arm. “Not funny, Brian. I hurt Ethan.”

“He’ll live. That’s love for you, Sunshine. I’d rather have a swift kick to the balls,” Brian said with a smirk.

“That can be arranged if you don’t shut up,” Justin retorted.

“I can think of better things you can do with my balls,” Brian replied suggestively.

“Hmmmm …me too. But right now I have to figure out what I’m going to do.” Justin wasn't happy about this latest development. Now he had to find another place to live. He hated having to knock on Debbie’s door again.

“Well, if you weren’t so reckless, you wouldn’t get yourself in these predicaments,” Brian said.

Justin glared at him. “If I weren’t so reckless you wouldn’t have met me two years ago,” he countered.

“And that would have been bad how?” Brian teased. He was having such a good time bantering with Justin again. He'd missed that.

“Well first of all, without me, who would point out how truly pathetic you are?” Justin smiled at him, then walked behind the counter.

“Thank God I have you then!” Brian laughed and went behind the counter to grab Justin.

“Bri….” Justin laughed. “I need to clean up that mess,” he said, motioning to the shattered glass and liquor on the floor.

“Fuck!” Brian noticed the mess for the first time. “That better not stain the woodwork!”

Justin sighed. “Don’t worry, you’re precious floors will survive.”

“Just like Ethan,” Brian quipped.

“You really are an asshole, Brian,” Justin said, shaking his head.

“Yeah, so I’ve been told.” Brian couldn’t help but smile.

Brian helped Justin pick up the glass shards from the floor. They worked silently together until they were satisfied they got everything. When they were done they walked back to the kitchen, Brian pausing at the counter to pick up the phone. He turned to look at Justin who finished washing his hands at the sink, turned off the water, and picked up a towel to dry them before turning back towards the counter to see Brian staring at him intently.

“What?” he asked.

“Do you trust me?” Brian asked, suddenly very serious. Justin saw the phone in his hands.

“You know I do,” Justin replied truthfully.

“The ‘she’ who is coming home, her name is Rena. She's my sister,” Brian said without preamble.

Justin looked confused. “Jack had another child?” he asked.

“Good God no!” Brian made a face like he had just tasted something bitter.

Justin waited patiently.

“Before I moved to the Pitts, I lived in New York.”

“I know,” Justin affirmed.

“What you don’t know is that I grew up with a family who lived next door. The Cardies. Joanie and Jack only acknowledged me as their son when it suited them. I spent most of my childhood next door with the Cardies. I grew up with Rena. She's a year younger than me. We…she had an older brother, Andy. Andy died when he was 16.” Brian paused to see how Justin was taking in this information so far.

“Okay. This is interesting. Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Justin asked, and then amended, “Never mind. Stupid question. Let's start with this: where has she been all this time?”

Brian smiled awkwardly. He still had the phone in his hand. “That…is a very long story, one I’ll tell you on the way to New York.”

“I’m going to New York?” Justin asked, surprised.

“Why, you got some place better to go?” Brian returned, holding his breath.

Justin tilted his head and looked at Brian. Brian could see the wheels turning in his eyes. “What’s in New York?” he finally asked.

“Rena.”

“Can we at least pick up my things from Ethan’s place? I hate having my stuff lying out in the street. It's so undignified,” Justin complained, a sly smile playing across his lips.

Brian reached over the counter and pulled him in for a kiss. “Sure, Sunshine. We wouldn’t want that WASP upbringing of yours to be compromised, would we?” he teased.

Justin gave Brian his best haughty look. “I should hope not!” he huffed.

Brian dialed the phone, waiting a moment before speaking. “Cynthia, I need you to change my flight reservations to a later time, and make it for two.” He frowned as he listened to her response. “Jesus, Cynthia, alright already! You can have the bigger office at the end of the hall!” Brian gave Justin an exasperated look as Cynthia answered him. “Great, I’ll see you next week,” he said, hanging up the phone.

“Is this going to be a problem with school?” Brian asked Justin as an afterthought.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll talk to my professors in the morning and get my assignments for the next few days. We're coming back next week, right?” Justin asked.

“That’s the plan.”

“Then it’s not a problem. The only problem I have is getting my things off the street.” Justin sighed.

“Well then, we better get going,” Brian said.

They both got dressed. Brian grabbed the keys to the Corvette off the kitchen counter and opened the door to the loft for Justin. When they entered the elevator Brian turned to Justin. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Justin understood what he was thanking him for.

“You don’t have to thank me, Brian. You should know by now that where you go I’ll follow.”


	9. What Are Friends For..

_**“Love is blind. Friendship tries not to notice.”**_ \-- Angela Kendrick

 

Smack!

Well, that broke the silence, Brian thought. Michael winced and rubbed his head. Of course, they hadn’t expected any other reaction from Debbie. She was always smacking Michael, and this little revelation certainly earned Michael a good one.

What surprised Brian, though, was Vic. He had sat through Brian’s monologue of what happened 17 years ago with his hand gently grasping Brian’s forearm. It had made Brian a bit uncomfortable. He didn’t want pity; pity made his dick soft. If Brian had felt it was pity he would have jerked his arm away. But Vic’s gentle, but firm, touch was one of encouragement and friendship. Brian appreciated the gesture; he just didn’t understand it. He had always liked Vic. Vic, on some deep level, understood him. Something in Brian’s past must have resonated with the older man, at least in terms of the story he had just told them.

Brian had taken Justin to Ian’s house, where they found all his stuff strewn on the curb. Brian couldn’t help himself. He had laughed at the whole situation. Justin didn’t appreciate his humor and glared at him the whole time he was gathering his belongings.

Brian had told him to leave it, that he would replace anything he needed. But true to form, Justin’s stubborn pride had kicked in and he’d refused Brian’s offer. Justin slammed the trunk of the Corvette, which barely held his belongings, and jumped in the passenger seat while muttering under his breath. Brian didn’t dare speak; it was bad enough that he couldn’t keep the smirk off his face.

Brian had driven Justin back to the loft and told him he had to see Michael before he left. He’d asked Justin to pack a few things for both of them. Justin knew him well enough to know what Brian would take on this trip. He knew to leave room in the suitcase for all the clothes he was planning on buying in New York. He would not miss an opportunity to shop while in New York. He intended to buy Justin some new clothes while there. The boy really needed to update his wardrobe.

Brian then drove to Michael and Ben’s place to pick up Michael. He was waiting outside when Brian drove up.

“I tried calling you,” Michael said as he closed the passenger side door. “Where were you?”

“I was with Justin,” Brian said as he pulled out into the street.

Michael looked hesitantly at Brian. “And how did that go?”

Brian smiled and tilted his head towards Michael. “Mikey – me and Justin, in my loft, alone? How the fuck do you think it went?” he answered, unable to keep the smile from spreading across his face.

“You didn’t!” Michael screeched. “Jesus, Brian! What the fuck happened? Never mind, I know what happened. I mean what happened to the talk you were going to have with him?” he asked as he absorbed this new bit of information. Keeping up with his best friend’s and Justin’s relationship was exhausting.

“We talked some,” Brian said.

That was the truth. The few words Brian had spoken to Justin were more than he had ever revealed to anyone, including Michael. Justin was bright and, as he so often reminded Brian, was on to him. He was sure he was getting the gist of what Brian was telling him. All Brian needed to do now was fill in the details for Justin. But then again, the devil was in the details.

“Some?” Michael asked. “Then you didn’t tell him.”

“He’s coming to New York with me,” Brian informed Michael.

“Oh, that’s great, Brian. Just great. Take him there blind, why don’t you?”

Michael’s nerves were getting the best of him. Brian suspected he was more nervous about telling his mother than about Brian telling Justin.

“Listen, Mikey, are you listening?” Brian looked over at Michael.

“Yeah, I’m listening.”

“I’ll tell your mom everything. I’ll leave out details she doesn’t need to know. It was my fault, Mikey, not yours. I did all the illegal stuff; you didn’t. You did only what your heart told you to. You’re a kind, compassionate person who helped a poor girl out. She can’t fault you for that,” Brian tried to reassure his best friend.

“And as far as Justin is concerned, when I get home we’ll talk. And we’ll have more time to talk tomorrow on the flight to New York. I’ll tell him the same story I’m going to tell Debbie tonight,” he said.

“And what about Ethan?” Michael asked.

“Let’s just say the fiddler is going solo from now on.” Brian smirked.

Michael snorted. “Why am I not surprised?” he mused out loud.

“Um, because, you know that JT can’t resist Rage’s huge cock,” Brian quipped

“Of course, that must be it,” Michael said sarcastically.

They drove in silence for a few minutes before Michael said, “You know, Brian, it’s not like I was innocent in all of that. I broke a few laws, too.”

Brian laughed. “Mikey, you may have broken some school rules, but you did not break any laws!”

“Well, I didn’t report a crime. That’s breaking a law, isn’t it?”

Michael sounded as if he’d wanted to break the law. It probably fed into his comic book fantasy of the hero risking life imprisonment in jail for the sake of saving a damsel in distress. The trouble was that they were 14. It would have been juvenile hall, not prison. And Brian would never have let that happen to Michael.

“Mikey, you are so pathetic,” Brian teased. “It was a long time ago, and we did a good thing. Never forget that.” Brain looked at Michael, making a point to let him know he was serious. “You saved her life.”

“No, Brian, you saved her life. I just helped.”

Michael smiled with his doe eyes at Brian. He had always looked upon Brian as a hero for what he’d done for Rena. Brian was under no illusions that he was a hero. He’d done what he had to do. It was what Rena or Andy would have done for him.

They pulled up to Debbie’s and Brian parked the car. “Fuck, we should have gotten stoned for this,” he said, voicing his thought out loud.

“Yeah, well, too late now.” Michael opened his door and got out. “You coming, Kimosabe?”

Brian sighed heavily and followed Michael into the house.  
“Debbie, before I came to the Pitts I lived with another family,” Brian began. When they’d first walked in Debbie and Vic were waiting for them with coffee and cake on the table. Michael had called his mother and told her that Brian and he had something very important to tell her. As they sat down at the table Brian asked that they not interrupt him until he’d finished, then he would answer any questions they had. He also asked Debbie pointedly to not react until she heard everything.  
“It’s no surprise to you that my parents didn’t want me. You know the story of how Joanie would have aborted me if she weren’t a good Catholic woman. And Jack, well, Jack wasn’t capable of love,” he said with a sneer. “When I was very young, I would say around 3, I used to wander over to the neighbor’s house. Joanie was usually drunk and often didn’t notice when her baby boy wandered off. Maria Cardie, our neighbor, took me in. At first she would bring me back to my house. But after a few times of doing that, she realized I was better off staying with her than being left home with a drunk.”

All this was not surprising. Debbie and Vic listened attentively.

“They became my family. I never considered Joanie, Jack or Claire my family. You know this. I know you assume it’s because they didn’t love me, and that’s true, but it was more because I did have a family I could relate to.”

That raised an eyebrow or two.

“Maria had 2 children – a girl, Rena, who was a year younger than me, and a son, Andy, who was three years older than me. She also had an abusive, sadistic husband, Emilian. He was the police sergeant of the local precinct. For the most part I lived with them and considered Rena and Andy my brother and sister. At such a young age, it was natural to develop that kind of relationship.” Brian paused and took a sip of his coffee. “Things were pretty good with the Cardies. Maria managed to keep Emilian away from us. He worked a lot, so we didn’t see him much. But the year I turned 10, Maria died. I felt like my own mother had died. Joanie and Jack wouldn’t let me go to the funeral.”

Brian’s eyes welled up at the memory. Debbie and Vic just sat and listened. Vic’s hand somehow made it to Brian’s forearm and held it. Brian didn’t move his arm away.

“Emilian was left to care for his two children. His idea of caring was to hire someone to come in and cook and clean a few hours a day, so he could stay away from the house as much as possible. It was Andy who looked after me and Rena. He was 13. I doubt Emilian even realized I was still living there most of the time.”

Brian paused again and stared out over the table as if he were reliving a memory. “On the day Andy turned 14 Emilian told him it was time he started to earn his keep around the house. He would come home from work and take Andy out at night. They wouldn’t come back until after we were asleep. Some nights I used to crawl into Andy’s empty bed waiting for him to come home. I was usually asleep by the time Andy walked in. I was too young at the time to understand what was going on. But seeing Andy’s eyes when he would finally crawl into bed beside me told me that whatever was going on, it was very bad.”

Vic looked at Debbie, seeing understanding in her eyes.

Brian continued. “Andy would hide his pain from Rena and me. Often I would see him cringe when he bent over or moan if he sat the wrong way. I was no stranger to abuse. I was still required to be at my house on occasions, the few times Joanie was sober and felt guilty about not being a mother to her child, and on those few occasions I was at the house Jack would come home drunk and beat me. That started early. I knew the signs. I knew Andy was being abused. I just didn’t know how. I never asked why. The why didn’t matter when you were having your skin literally ripped from your ass. The only question you asked was: when? When will it stop?”

Brian was talking to no one in particular at this point.

“The summer Andy turned 16 he got very sick. Emilian took him to the doctor’s and brought him home. He told Rena and me that Andy was dying and that it was his wish that he die at home with his family. To say we were shocked was an understatement. At first a nurse would come in to give Andy medicine and care for him. Rena and I stood vigil with him day and night. Then one day the nurse stopped coming. Andy was in so much pain. He was literally wasting away in front of our eyes.”

Brian stopped to look down at his hand, which was wrapped around the coffee cup. “They said it was pneumonia. I know it wasn’t.” Brian looked up at Vic. “He was covered in sores, his body emaciated. I found out later that Emilian had Andy tricking for his sick friends at the precinct. Andy died of AIDS.”

Brian took a deep breath the same time he heard Debbie’s sharp intake of breath. He felt Vic gently squeeze his arm in support, encouraging him to go on. “Andy was…he was beautiful. Rena and I worshipped him. We depended on him for everything after Maria died. He was gifted you see.”

Brian stopped. He was not going there. He would not tell them about Andy’s gift or about his visions or how he saved their lives on more than one occasion. They would think he was crazy, which was probably true anyway.

“We tried to nurse him the best we could. One day I begged Emilian to take Andy to the hospital so that they could give him something for the pain. His answer to me was, ‘We’re born in pain and we die in pain. This is none of your business. Go home.’ I learned to keep my mouth shut after that.”

Brian looked over at Vic. “During those last few months we would sit by Andy’s bed and he would talk to us for hours. You know, he taught me how to smoke my first cigarette.”

Vic smiled. Brian wasn’t going to reveal what other “first” he had experienced with Andy. Brian pulled his shoulders back and sat up straight. This part needed to be said.

“I was 13 and my family needed me. I couldn’t bear to see Andy suffer. So I went out one night looking for drugs to ease his pain.”

Brian shook his head in frustration. “I was so stupid. Young, naïve. I knew the neighborhood; I knew where the dealers hung out. I went there and asked a guy if he knew where I could get morphine. It was the only drug I knew that would ease Andy’s pain that I probably could score on the street. The dealer smiled at me, gave me the once over, and asked me how I was going to pay for it. I had no money, but I told him to tell me how much it cost and that I would pay him. I was willing to steal. The guy had other things in mind.”

He took a deep breath, trying to find the energy deep within him to continue. “He said he knew a guy who would pay big money for a ‘sweet piece’ like me. A guy who could give me all the drugs I wanted. I wasn’t stupid. Living in a household with a police sergeant was very educational, especially when that sergeant worked vice. My only response was ‘who and where?’”

Brian stopped and stared directly into Debbie’s eyes, daring her to judge him. When he saw no judgment in her eyes he continued in a softer voice.

“My first time wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s a good thing I knew by then I was gay; it could have been a lot worse. I did it, no regrets, no apologies, and I got the morphine. The guy even showed me how to inject it. Gave me some disposable syringes and all. That first night I came home and gave the morphine to Andy, he knew. He looked at me and knew and started to cry. I told him to save his tears for someone who really needed it. He turned his head away from me. He couldn’t even look at me.”

Brian took a deep breath and another sip of his coffee. “I went out a few times a week after that to score drugs. It was the only thing that helped Andy. Truck drivers were great. They had all kinds of drugs and hooked me up with Demerol and some other shit. Anyway, despite the drugs, Andy was dying. And one fall day, he closed his eyes and drifted away.”

Brian cleared his throat. His eyes fixated on the dark brew in his cup. “The next day the coroner came and took him away. I remember reading in the papers that the sergeant’s son died of pneumonia. There was no autopsy. There was a cover-up. It wouldn’t do to have the police sergeant’s kid die of AIDS. But being the small neighborhood it was, rumors started. When Joanie and Jack heard rumors that Andy died of AIDS they freaked. They pulled me out of my home and moved us here.”

“Jesus Brian,” Debbie began, but Brian stopped her.

“I’m not finished.” He took another sip of his coffee.

“Rena took it real bad. When Andy died all she had left was me. And then I was taken away. I didn’t trust Emilian. I knew sooner or later he would harm Rena. To my knowledge, he never had before. His tastes ran towards young men. Jesus!” Brian exploded. “His own fucking son, too!” He pulled himself together and continued. “I couldn’t let Rena stay with him so I kidnapped her.”

Brian stopped and smiled at Michael. Michael smiled back. “You know, Deb, you always did say I was nothing but trouble. And you were right.”

Debbie started to deny it, but shut her mouth instead, letting Brian continue.

“The first week I moved here I met Mikey. He was standing at his locker, getting harassed by some assholes.” Brian winked at Michael. “God, Mikey, you were sooo pathetic!” he teased, attempting to lighten the mood. “I was so full of rage and pain at that point. I saw someone, a young boy, getting hurt and I flipped. I kicked the shit out of those guys. And the rest is history, as they say. We then became the ‘Mikey and Brian show.’”

Brian turned serious again. “Jack started beating me worse when we got here. I think he thought I might be gay, or tainted from living with the Cardies, and tried to beat it out of me.” Brian shrugged his shoulders. “Who knows? Anyway, I’d planned to hitch back to New York and kidnap Rena. I found a spot in the basement of our school that I could hide her in. It was warm, by the boiler, and safe. I made friends with the janitor, who by chance also liked young boys…” Brian paused and looked at Vic. “Funny how many straight guys like young boys, isn’t it?” he asked, not really expecting an answer.

Vic smiled sadly. “Yeah, funny,” he said.

“Well, a regular diet of blow jobs and a few pictures of me giving them to him taken here by Mikey ensured his cooperation and silence.”

Debbie gave Michael a sharp look.

“Hey, Mikey, you still got those pictures?” Brian asked.

“Fuck no! I burned all evidence when we graduated. I figured it was safe by then,” Michael answered.

Brian continued. “I hitched a ride with one of my trucker friends and literally stole Rena from her house. I wasn’t being totally reckless, Deb, so don’t give me that look. Maria, Rena’s mother, had a sister. Rena had a photo of her and a name. My plan was to track the aunt down and convince her to take Rena away.”

Brian gave Debbie his famous “I’m so fucking cool” smile. Debbie snorted. “Anyway, I confided everything to Michael and swore him to secrecy. He helped me care for Rena in that basement. It took me almost eight months, the whole school year, to track down her aunt. Your son, Mikey, being the good-hearted person he is, helped me care for Rena while we tried to get in touch with her aunt. We had an address and I wrote her once a week for eight fucking months, but she’d just married and was off on her honeymoon, and didn’t get the letters about Rena until she came back. It was a good thing she finally did show up. I was getting desperate. I didn’t have a back-up plan. Oh, by the way, Deb, Rena loved your lasagna,” Brian stated with a grin.

Debbie looked a little pale at this point. Brian pressed on, anxious to get this over with. “Those nights when I’d sneak into Mikey’s room after one of Jack’s beatings, Mikey would tend to my wounds and put me to bed. Then he’d sneak over to the school basement late at night to make sure Rena was alright. I couldn’t go there after a beating from Jack. I didn’t want Rena to see me like that. What she saw with Andy was bad enough.”

Brian swigged the last of his coffee. “Viv, Rena’s aunt, finally came and got her. She told Mikey and me that we were not to tell anyone that she was taking Rena away. Legally, Rena belonged to Emilian. Viv had no rights. She whisked Rena out of the country, never letting us know where they were. What we didn’t know, we couldn’t tell if it ever came down to it. For 10 years Viv had her employee hand deliver letters back and forth from Rena to Mikey and me, and we’d have letters ready for the man to take back to her. The letters never revealed Rena’s whereabouts. Then, about six years ago, the letters stopped coming. Viv’s employee, Tom, came and told me that she was fine, but wouldn’t be writing anymore. We never told you, Deb, because so much time had passed. Then when the letters stopped, what was the point?”

Brian looked directly into Debbie’s eyes and lied. “Mikey wanted to tell you, but I asked him not to. I told him Rena’s life would be in danger if he did. So if you’re angry with anyone, be angry with me. Mikey’s only thought was to save a young girl.”

Michael started to protest, but Brian shot him a deadly look. Michael quickly shut his mouth.

“And that is the end of the story. Now if you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them,” Brian finished.

Silence filled the room for a long time. Then all of a sudden…smack! Debbie smacked Michael upside the head. Then she looked at Brian. “You kidnapped her! That’s illegal!”

“I know,” Brian simply answered.

“And you involved my son!” she screeched.

“Not in the kidnapping, Deb. He was never involved in that,” Brian reasoned.

Debbie grew silent, which scared both Michael and Brian more. A screaming Debbie was a good thing; a silent Debbie was very bad.

“Why are you telling us now?” she asked quietly.

“Because Michael received a letter from her today.” He watched her expression turn to shock. “She wants to come home, Deb. Home, as in here with me, her brother.” He waited.

“Why didn’t you come to me, Brian?” she asked, obviously very hurt.

Brian reached over and grabbed her hands. “I swear to God, Deb, if I had known you better back then I would have. I know in my heart you would have saved her. But it was a long time ago, and I had just come from a situation where I couldn’t trust anyone. You know that I didn’t even trust you to tell you about the beatings I was getting from Jack. You found out by accident. Believe me, I wish I would have known then what I know now. Things would have been much different,” Brian said with all sincerity.

Debbie started crying. “You poor babies!” She hugged her son and looked over at Brian.

Brian sighed deeply. “Don’t feel sorry for us, Deb. It was an adventure for us, wasn’t it, Mikey?” He looked over at Michael, who was currently being squashed in his mother’s embrace. “And the bottom line is, Rena was taken to safety, and from all accounts has lived a wonderful life with her Aunt Viv. A happy ending, Deb,” Brian concluded.

“Ma, Brian’s right. If I ever felt that we were in any kind of danger I’d have told you. Rena was taken good care of. Brian would sit with her every day after school in the basement and go over the lessons he learned that day. He wanted to make sure she kept up with her school work. And on the weekends we would take her out to the park or to museums. We even dyed her hair, remember that, Bri?” Michael recounted the memories. It was an adventure for them and they were happy, even under the cloud of the reality of what could happen if she was found.

“Yeah, you fucked that up, as I recall.” They both laughed.

“And you should have seen the room we made for her in the basement! Brian and I made sure she had a real bed, dresser, lamp, books, toys, everything. There was a small window that she knew to use if she ever had to get away fast. Thank God she never had to. Other than the janitor, no one else ever went down there. And thanks to your cooking, she ate good!”

Michael went on and on, and Brian saw Debbie’s face grow tighter.

“Ok, Mikey. Enough details. Your mother is starting to freak,” he said.

Michael stopped and blushed. “Sorry, Ma. But honestly, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds.”

Debbie wiped her eyes. “Okay then. When is she coming? I want to make a nice “welcome home” dinner for her. I can’t wait to meet the new addition to our family.”

Brian could have kissed her. In fact, he got up and went around the table and did just that.

“Thank you,” he said. It seemed like he was thanking a lot of people these days. “Justin and I are flying up tomorrow to get her.”

“Justin!”

Oops, Brian thought. He’d forgotten to tell her that. “Um, yeah. He left the fiddler,” Brian informed her.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Kinney! It’s like a fucking revolving door with you two!” Debbie placed her hands on her hips. “I will personally kick the shit out of you if you hurt him again, you hear me!” she admonished.

“Okay, I give!” Brian laughed. “Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

“It’s not my panties I’m worried about, it’s Sunshine’s!” Debbie retorted.

“Don’t worry about Sunshine’s panties, Deb, I’ve got that situation well in hand,” Brian replied, smirking.

“Asshole,” Debbie muttered.

“So I’ve been told. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to go home. Lots to do tomorrow.” Brian got up to leave.

Vic stood up and hugged him. The man hadn’t said a word. There was a quiet acceptance about him, and in his hug he told Brian that he was there for him, should he ever really want to talk about that time. Brian smiled as he hugged him back.

Michael walked Brian to the door. “I’m going to stay here awhile and talk to mom,” he told Brian.

“Then I’ll see you when I get back,” Brian said.

Michael smiled. “It’s going to be good to see Rena again.”

“Yeah, it will be,” Brian agreed. He needed to go to the loft and tell Justin everything he’d just told Debbie and Vic. It was good. It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was good for now. When they reached New York he had no doubt Rena would have more to say to Justin.

Brian pulled Michael in for an embrace, then kissed him hard on the mouth.

“What was that for?” Michael asked, a little breathless.

“For being my friend and for turning a blind eye to my faults.”

Michael smiled. “Faults? You’re Brian Kinney, for fuck’s sake! You have no faults!” He laughed and opened the door for his best friend.


	10. Memories

**_“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”_ \-- From a headstone in Ireland**

 

Rena pulled out the rusty metal box from her suitcase. She sat on the bed in her hotel suite and placed it on her lap. When she'd made the decision to come to New York and contact her brother she'd remembered the box and packed it along with all of her other belongings.

Rena knew there was no turning back. She was determined to go home. And if, for some reason, fate deemed that she couldn’t go home she would start a new life somewhere else on her own.

For the past 17 years she'd lived with her Aunt Viv. She was never really on her own. She'd traveled a lot, but home base was Aunt Viv’s house. Though Viv had treated her like her own child, and Rena truly loved Viv, she'd never felt at home at Viv’s house. Her home was with the only family she had left. Bean.

Viv had set up a trust fund for Rena so she would always be financially secure. Rena didn’t really need the money though. With her doctorate in behavioral genetics, Rena had obtained her license to practice psychotherapy. She had a private practice and an exclusive client list. She was very comfortable – so comfortable that she could afford to do a lot of pro bono work for those who couldn’t afford therapy, as well as indulging in her many lavish extracurricular activities.

Rena was very good at her job analyzing and helping people take control of their emotional and mental health. Her work grounded her and it was therapeutic in the sense that it kept her from dealing with her own issues. She had put all of that behind her, especially the guilt. The only remnant of it was lying in the rusty metal box that currently sat in her lap.

Rena didn’t know why she'd kept the box. There was nothing in it that could change one minute of what had happened. She supposed there was a sound psychological explanation as to why she had an attachment to it. She just didn’t know what it was.

She hadn’t looked in the box in many years. She unhinged the latch and opened the top. There in the tiny metal box were pieces from her past.

She drew in a sharp breath. When she thought of Andy it was always before his illness. She remembered her brother as the young, dark-haired, beautiful boy he was – loving, strong, and so very, very special. She seldom thought of him as he was during those last few months of his life. She preferred to keep the good memories alive.

She reached in and took out an old photo of her, Andy, and Brian. The picture had been taken when she was just 11. They were at a park, each hanging onto a bar of a jungle gym. God, they looked so silly! Brian was so skinny back then, just like a string bean, she remembered fondly.

There was a knock on her door. She looked up. “Hey, want some company?” Shane asked as she peeked her head in.

“Sure, come on in and sit with me.” Rena patted a spot on the bed beside her.

“I just wanted to tell you I’m going out tonight,” Shane said.

Rena raised her brow. “Oh? Hot date?” she asked.

“Yeah, you could say that. Cute little redhead working the lobby desk. She gets off at 11.” Shane looked over at the box sitting on Rena’s lap.

“Nice, but what time does her shift end?” Rena teased Shane.

Shane bumped her with her shoulder and laughed. “Whatcha got there?” she asked Rena.

“Memories,” Rena whispered.

“Ah, good ones or bad ones?”

Rena looked over at her. “Both.”

Shane took the picture that Rena was holding in her hands. “Is this Brian?” Shane asked, pointing at the tall, skinny boy in the picture.

“Why do you assume he’s that boy and not the other?” Rena asked.

“Because you call him Bean and this kid looks like a string bean. The other boy looks a bit older and not as skinny,” Shane explained.

Rena laughed. “Yes, that’s my Bean!” She sighed. “I wonder what he looks like now?”

“Well, I’d say from this picture, he’s hot. He has great eyes and amazing bone structure,” Shane observed.

“What are you – a plastic surgeon now?” Rena rolled her eyes at Shane and took the picture away from her.

“Nah, just fucked a few.” Shane gave her a sly look.

“Jesus, I hope it wasn’t my plastic surgeon!” Rena quipped.

“The one who fixed your nose after James broke it or the kleptomaniac you treated that stole all his patients' unwanted body fat?”

“You know way too much about my patients, Shane. It’s unethical,” Rena scolded lightly.

“Your patients talk in their sleep, Rena. No doctor/patient confidentiality was broken,” Shane said.

“You really did fuck my patient? Shane! What were you thinking?” Rena admonished.

“I wasn’t thinking Re, I was fucking. Besides, it wasn't on your dime. I met him out one night. He knew who I was. Didn’t bother him.”

Rena liked the way Shane looked at life; it was one of the reasons they were such good friends. She laughed heartily. “That’s my girl. Never one to miss an opportunity. I think my bad habits are rubbing off on you,” she teased. “And don’t let James hear you talk about that time he accidentally broke my nose!” she added. “You know how he still obsesses about it.”

James had been teaching Rena some self-defense moves on campus one day during her sophomore year at college. He'd wanted her to be able to protect herself in case he wasn’t around to do so. They were doing great until this hot guy walked by and Rena turned her head, forgetting to duck like James instructed her to immediately before he swung. Rena took a hit to the nose. James had been mortified. Rena didn’t mind, well, other than the fact that she missed an opportunity with the stud.

“Are you kidding? It’s the only weapon I have against him!” Shane said. “When he gets too uppity I remind him of that incident. That usually shuts him up.”

James was always haranguing Shane about one thing or another. He was often openly hostile to her and never missed an opportunity to point out to Shane that she was not good enough for Rena. James was a bit of a snob, and possessive when it came to Rena. It was a good thing Shane didn’t take offense. In fact, in an odd way, Shane really liked James. The more insulting James was to her, the more she’d smile and tease him.

“What’s that?” Shane asked as she pointed to a folded piece of paper lying in the box.

Rena pulled it out and unfolded it. Memories washed over her and tears formed in her eyes. It was a picture that Andy had drawn shortly after their father had brought him back from the doctors and told them Andy was dying.

Shane looked over at the drawing that Rena held in her hands. She put her arms around Rena’s shoulders, sensing her sorrow.

“Hey, gorgeous, why the sudden gloom?” Shane tried to soothe her friend.

“Andy drew this,” Rena said.

Shane looked at it. It was a picture of a young blond boy, leaning against a street lamppost. ‘Andy was a pretty good artist’, Shane thought. He managed to capture the light flooding from the lamppost over the blonde’s head giving the boy an ethereal look.

“He’s beautiful. Who is he?” Shane asked.

Rena looked up with a sad smile. “He was supposed to be my knight in shining armor,” she replied flippantly.

“Was?” Shane asked.

“Well, he never showed up. All through high school and college I actually waited for him to come. He never came. But I guess Andy was wrong,” Rena explained.

Shane didn’t understand. Rena folded the paper and put it back in the box, closing the lid. She took a deep breath and stood up to place the box back in her suitcase.

Shane took the hint and got up from the bed. “You cool with me going out tonight?” she asked.

“Of course. Have fun. I might go out myself tonight.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Shane winked at her then left the room, closing the door behind her.

Rena sat down heavily on the bed. She had almost forgotten about the boy in the picture.

The only time Andy drew was when he had one of his “visions” as Mama called them. Their mother explained that Andy was gifted. She said that sometimes he could see things in his mind that were going to happen.

One day they were eating breakfast at the kitchen table when Andy walked in with a picture he had drawn. He handed it to their mother. It was a picture of their school with smoke pouring out of it. Bodies were lying all around the building.

“We can’t go to school today, Mama,” he said. “Something bad is going to happen.”

Maria took Andy’s warning seriously and kept them home. That afternoon they received the horrible news that there had been an explosion at the school that killed several children and a few adults. It was a big tragedy. Later, they found out that a disgruntled employee had planted a bomb.

Andy didn’t have too many visions, but the ones he did have always came true. He'd warned Brian not to play soccer one afternoon. But Brian was stubborn; he lived for soccer. That afternoon he'd broken his leg during the game. He had to wear a cast for eight weeks and couldn’t play the rest of the season.

Two days before their mother died Andy had locked himself in his room, refusing to come out. They could hear him crying day and night. On the third day their mother had been found dead in her bed. The doctor said it was a heart attack. Andy had then come out of his room.

The last vision Andy had was the drawing Rena kept in that metal box. She was 12. That was the year Andy had gotten sick. He had been sitting in his room after the nurse had left. He still had the nurse at that time. Rena walked in his room and had seen him doodling. She'd sat down on the bed next to him and looked at what he was drawing. It was the picture of the blond boy standing under the lamppost.

“Who's that?” Rena asked.

“Hey, Worm,” Andy said, reaching over to muss her hair. He looked at the drawing, puzzled, as if trying to figure out who it was.

“I really don’t know,” he finally said.

“He’s cute!” Rena said enthusiastically.

Andy smiled at her. “I’m glad you think so, but I don’t think he’s meant for you, Worm. This boy’s soul is connected to Brian’s.”

Rena pouted. The boy was really cute. “Are you going to give Bean the picture?” she asked.

Andy hesitated. “No. I’m going to give it to you,” he said, hesitantly handing it to her.

Rena looked at him, confused. “Why me?” she asked.

“Because I see a connection to you as well.” Andy hesitated.

Rena perked up. “Me? How?” she asked excitedly.

“Someday he's going to save you, Rena,” Andy stated, nodding his head as if he was confirming what he saw.

“Like a knight in shining armor!” Rena jumped up and down on the bed in her excitement, the drawing clasped in her hands.

Andy laughed. “Yeah, something like that, only not here,” he said as he rolled her on the bed and started tickling her body. She laughed and screeched. After a minute, he stopped and sobered up.

“Here,” he said and pointed to her head, “and here.” He laid his hand over her heart. Rena didn’t understand, but she liked the boy in the drawing.

She had taken the drawing and hidden it away. And she had created her own little fantasy around that picture. It helped her cope through those difficult months.

Brian had seen the picture once. He was in Rena's room helping her with her homework when his pencil broke. He reached over and opened the drawer of her nightstand and saw the picture lying there.

“Who's that?” he asked.

Rena looked up at him. “That’s my knight in shining armor!” she replied giddily.

Brian snorted. “Please. Who fed you that line of shit?”

Rena’s smile faded quickly. Brian was never in a good mood during that time. Andy was getting worse. Rena knew what Brian was doing for Andy, but she never said a word. It would have only made things worse. One night, Rena had followed Brian and saw him hook up with some guy. She got a sick feeling in her stomach at the sight.

At home, she would sit holding Andy’s hand while Brian was out prostituting himself for drugs to make Andy’s pain go away. She felt guilty. Andy was her brother. She should have been the one out there on the streets.

She went over and shut the drawer, hiding the picture once again. “Never mind,” she told Brian. And they went back to doing her homework. She never mentioned the picture to Brian again. Three weeks later Andy died. That night would be forever burned in her brain – another failure on her part.

When Brian had later come for her and told her about his friend, Michael, who was going to help them, she was sure it was the boy in the picture. After all, Andy said the boy was connected to Brian too. But it wasn’t.

Then, later, she thought maybe she would meet him at school. That wasn’t to be either. For more than 17 years the boy never came. He was probably a man now, if he even existed to begin with. Andy was sick at the time; his gift was probably fading as well. Still, she kept that picture. It was one of the few items she took with her when Brian came for her that night.

She sighed from the onslaught of memories stirring inside her, got up from the bed, and left the room. James stood by the window, a drink in his hand. He turned to her when she walked out. “Domina,” he smiled at her. “You must be very excited. Soon you will be reunited with your brother.” He went over to the bar to pour her a drink.

Brian. Her Bean. She smiled.

“Yes, very,” she replied. She walked over to the window and looked out. James carried her drink to her. “Tell me, James, how does a man deal with his demons?” she asked as she accepted the glass.

James thought for a moment. “There are three ways a man can deal with his demons, Domina. One, he can refuse to deal with them, which is very bad, because then they will deal with him. Two, he can make peace with them, taking away their power. Or, three, love,” he answered.

“Love?” Rena looked at him quizzically.

James smiled and held his glass up to hers. She held her glass up as well. “Ah, yes, Domina, love. When a man allows himself to love, and to be loved, the demons are destroyed.”

Rena liked that answer. Hopefully, one day she would find love.

She clinked her glass against his. “To love then!” she toasted.

“To love.”


	11. Open Wounds

**“Time is not a great healer. It is an indifferent and perfunctory one. Sometimes it does not heal at all. And sometimes when it seems to, no healing has been necessary.”—Ivy Compton-Burnett**

_.....“Brian, Brian, where are you?” Andy called between fits of coughing. _

_Brian reached over and took his hand. “I’m right here, Andy. Shhh…”  _   


_“Where's Rena?” Andy wheezed_   


_“I’m right beside Brian,” Rena said, her voice cracking._   


_“Send her away, Brian,” Andy said before he started coughing violently._   


_Brian turned to Rena. Her chest was heaving from her sobs. “Go,” Brian whispered to her. She shook her head no._   
__

_“Rena, you're just making it harder on him. Go,” he said more firmly as he lifted Andy’s head and placed another pillow under it. Andy's coughing subsided a bit._   


_Rena wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve, sniffing loudly. She reached over and kissed her brother on the mouth. “I love you,” she whispered. “I'll always love you.” Brian tried to pull her away._

 

_“Wait,” Andy rasped. Rena leaned in closer so he wouldn’t have to strain his voice, causing another coughing fit._

 

_“Listen to me, Worm, are you listening?” Andy whispered._

  
_“Yes, I’m listening.” Rena’s face was very close to Andy’s._

“_Take care of Brian. He’s going to need you when I’m gone.” He reached up to pull her head closer so he could whisper in her ear. “Do you still have the drawing of the blond boy under the lamppost?” _

_Rena nodded her head._

_“Don’t forget him. When he comes, Rena, listen to him. Don’t be stubborn, promise me.” Andy was getting weaker._

_Fresh tears formed in Rena’s eyes. “I promise, I swear,” she said before breaking down. “Oh God, NOOOOOOO, please don’t die, Andy, please!” Rena threw her small body over his, trying to protect him from death.  _

 

_Brian wrapped his arms around her, comforting her while pulling her off Andy. He whispered in her ear, “Go, Rena, now. Go and say your prayers. Pray to Mama, tell her to be ready. Andy’s coming home,” Brian said for her benefit._

 

_Maria was a very religious woman and she'd instilled her strong faith in both her children. _

 

_Brian had lost his faith a long time ago._

 

_Rena left the room and Brian turned back to Andy. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Andy’s breathing was becoming more and more labored; the drugs were no longer working. He was dying a very painful death. But Andy was strong and death was taking its time. Brian silently cursed God for causing such an innocent, beautiful young man all this pain. Why? Usually, Brian never asked why but he was asking now. He needed an answer._

 

_Andy reached over and took Brian’s hand in his. “Brian, I know you'll take care of Rena,” he said._   
__

_Brian brought Andy’s hand up to his lips and kissed it. “You don’t have to worry about her. I’ll protect her with my life, I swear,” he said._

 

_Andy gave him a sad smile. “I’m so sorry, Brian. You’ve sacrificed so much for us. You’ve had so little happiness and so much sorrow. I fear it'll be a long time before you are truly happy again.” He started to cough again._

 

_“Shhh…” Brian said. “You’re making yourself worse. Don’t ever be sorry for anything. I would gladly wear your pain if I could. Don’t you know I love you?” _

_Andy tried to take a deep breath. “I know you do. I’ve known for some time now.” Andy squeezed Brian’s hand in acknowledgement._

_Brian turned his head away, ashamed. He'd never wanted Andy to know the depth of his feelings for him. Brian loved Andy more than a brother. Andy was his first love; Brian had had a crush on him since he was 10. He would never have crossed that line though; Andy considered Brian his brother. And Andy was straight, which made what Emilian did to him so much worse. Not for the first time Brian wished it was him, instead of Andy, who had attracted Emilian’s attention._

_“Brian, don’t ever be ashamed of your feelings, ever. Promise me,” Andy pleaded._

_Brian turned back to him and smiled. “That obvious, huh?” he said lightheartedly._

_Andy smiled weakly. “No, that devoted. Your devotion to me has been above and beyond that of brotherly love.”  _

_Brian was getting uncomfortable with the conversation. “You should rest,” he said._

 

_Andy sighed deeply. “No. I need to say some things to you before I go.”_

 

_Brian could no longer stop the tears from falling. “I’m listening, Andy.”_

_“I'm not the one for you, Brian. He has yet to come. He will, in time. You’ll know him the minute you see him.” Andy stopped, pointing to the table where the glass of water sat._

 

_Brian reached over and grabbed the glass, raising Andy’s head so he could take a sip. When he was done, Brian laid his head gently back against the pillow._

 

_Brian’s tears were falling freely now. Andy continued. “You’re stubborn like your sister.” He sighed. “Remember: nothing worth having comes easy.” Andy pulled Brian’s hand to his chest. Tears formed in his eyes as he said, “I cannot repay all you’ve done for me and all you'll continue to do for Rena. I have no right to ask, but I have one more favor to ask of you.” _

 

_Andy was choking up with his emotions, which sent him into another coughing fit._

 

_Brian lifted him up. “Anything. I’ll do anything, just ask, Andy.”_

 

_The coughing fit was over for the moment. Andy looked at the table. “Give me the syringe,” he said._

 

_Brian froze. He knew exactly what Andy was asking._

_Time stood still. Brian didn’t move._

_“Brian, if you love me, as I believe you do, then give me the syringe,” Andy said again._

_“I can’t,” Brian choked. _   
__

_“Then get out!” Andy spat._

_Brian gasped. “No!” he cried. “Andy, you can’t do that! You know it’s a sin. You kill yourself and you’ll go to hell. You told me that yourself. What would Mama think?” Brian was desperate._

 

_“THIS is hell, Brian,” Andy said with more conviction than Brian thought he was capable of._

_“I can see my own death, Brian, and it will not be tonight unless I do it. I'll linger like this, and worse, for days. I can’t take it. I WON’T!” Andy was determined. Brian saw it in his eyes.  _

_He didn’t know what to do. He sat there in the dark with Andy, struggling to find answers from somewhere. Then, suddenly, an eerie calm settled over him and he knew what he had to do._

_Brian reached over and picked up the syringe and the bottle of morphine. He filled the syringe to double the amount he usually gave Andy.  _

_Andy watched him closely. Brian turned towards him and Andy lifted his arm out for Brian to take. Brian leaned in and kissed Andy softly on his mouth. He held the kiss for what seemed like an eternity. Andy never moved._

 

_“I love you,” Brian whispered against Andy's mouth._

 

_“And your love just saved me. Thank you,” Andy whispered. “I’ll be able to see Mama now.” There were tears in Andy’s eyes._

_Brian gave Andy the lethal dose of morphine. It was like he was watching himself from a distance. Nothing seemed real. All he knew was he couldn’t let Andy kill himself, not with Andy’s strong beliefs, and he couldn’t let him suffer any more.  _

 

_Andy’s eyes started to drift closed. He looked very peaceful._

 

_“I’m sorry it had to be you, Brian,” Andy wheezed. “Promise me, no regrets….”_

 

_Brian watched Andy slip over to the other side. A look of complete bliss covered his face. Brian thought he never looked more beautiful._

 

_“No regrets,” he whispered. He covered Andy and stood up to turn around.   _

_Rena stood behind him, her eyes wide, in shock. Brian opened his arms and she ran into them, crying. They embraced each other as their tears fell freely.   _

_Rena spoke into his chest. “I’m glad it was you, Brian. Andy wanted it to be you.” They left the room together._

***

Brian bolted up in bed shaking, breathing heavily, sweat covering his body. Justin woke immediately and began rubbing Brian's back, whispering soothing words, trying to calm him from his nightmare. Brian was still lost somewhere between his dream and consciousness. He threw his legs over the bed and walked out of the bedroom. Justin followed.

 

Justin watched him take the Jim Beam down from the cupboard and drink straight from the bottle. This dream must have been a bad one. Justin wasn’t surprised.  Rena coming back had reawakened some pretty bad memories for Brian. Justin’s heart ached from all he'd heard tonight. He couldn’t imagine how Brian must be feeling. What was worse, he didn’t know how to help him.

 

Brian had come home from Debbie’s looking exhausted. Justin had made some pasta fried in garlic oil. It was the best he could do with the limited amount of food Brian kept at the loft. An old box of spaghetti, a small bottle of imported olive oil and some garlic powder—it would have to do. It was after seven so Justin doubted Brian would eat it anyway. 

 

“Hey,” Brian said as he walked into the loft, throwing his keys on the kitchen counter.

 

“Hey. How’d it go with Michael?” Justin asked.

 

Brian walked over to the couch and sat down heavily. He didn’t answer Justin.

 

“I made some pasta. You hungry?” Justin asked.

 

“It’s after seven. You know I don’t eat carbs after seven.”

 

_‘Of course_,’ Justin thought. 

 

“Come here and sit with me. I have something to tell you,” Brian said.

 

Justin went and sat by Brian. He curled up into him and listened while Brian told him the whole story of the Cardies, Rena, and what happened to Andy. When he got to the part where he went out tricking for drugs for Andy, Justin cried. He couldn’t believe Brian had had this whole other life as a child that no one but he and Michael knew about.

 

Justin had a new respect for Michael, albeit begrudgingly. Michael had been giving him a really hard time for leaving Brian, but now he understood how deep Michael’s loyalty was to Brian and why.

 

When Brian finished his story he got off the couch and went over to the window where he lit a cigarette and stared out at the street below. Justin remained on the couch. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how he felt. It was a lot to take in. His heart ached for Brian and the youth he had lost. It made sense to him now why Brian was always insisting that Justin not waste his youth.

 

Justin learned so much more about what happened from Brian’s tone than from his actual words. Though Brian never said it, Justin knew the brunet loved Andy more than a brother. His voice, his inflection when he mentioned Andy’s named caught a bit in the back of his throat. Justin was too in tune to Brian not to notice that. 

 

_“I won’t love again because I can’t take the pain when it’s gone.”_

 

Those were the words Brian had said to him earlier when Justin was using his “pain management” to get him to open up. Justin couldn’t imagine the pain Brian must have felt when Andy died. In the end, all that Brian went through couldn’t save Andy. Justin knew, and he was sure Rena and Andy knew, that what Brian did was save Andy from a lot of pain. He'd sacrificed himself so Andy wouldn’t suffer.

 

That was love. But he knew Brian. And he knew Brian believed he had failed Andy.

 

Justin also knew that while Andy lived, Brian loved and believed in love, and when Andy got sick and died Brian stopped believing in love. Stopped believing in himself. 

 

Justin was overwhelmed by the enormity of what this meant for them. Justin had his work cut out for him.

 

“Did I leave you speechless, Sunshine?” Brian asked. He had his back to Justin, the smoke from his cigarette swirled around him.

 

“Jesus, Brian, I wouldn’t know where to begin,” he said, before adding, “I always wondered why you continued to see Jack after all he did to you. I guess you felt that, compared to Emilian, Jack wasn’t so bad.”

 

Brian laughed sardonically.  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” It didn’t surprise Brian anymore how much Justin was on to him. No one knew him as well as Justin. He turned around to look at him. 

 

Justin saw the battle in his eyes. Self-loathing was setting in and Justin needed to diffuse it before it resulted with him being thrown out. Again.

 

“I’m not letting you go there, Brian. So don’t even think it!” Justin stood up and faced Brian.

 

“What? It’s the truth. Ethan was right, your boyfriend’s a whore,” Brian sneered.

 

Justin smiled brightly at that. Brian stepped back, a bit surprised at Justin’s reaction. It was _not_what he expected.

 

“What?” he asked cautiously.

 

“You just called yourself my boyfriend,” Justin said, smiling even more brightly, if that were possible. 

 

 

Brian melted into Justin and deepened the kiss. He'd just told the blond that he had another life as a child, that he was a prostitute, bought and did drugs at 13, kidnapped a young girl, and got his best friend involved which could have landed him in jail. And of all that, Justin had chosen to focus on being called Brian’s boyfriend. He shook himself mentally. He really didn’t deserve Justin.

 

Brian hugged the younger man tight to him. Justin could feel the relief flood through his body before Brian moved away and held Justin at arm's length.

 

“There is something else you should know. Deb and Vic know, it was after Rena’s aunt came and took her away,” Brian said solemnly.

 

Justin looked at him with beautiful blue eyes. “Tell me.”

 

Brian took his hand and led him back to the couch where he sat down and pulled Justin onto his lap.

 

“After Rena left, I lost it. I was so busy taking care of Andy, then taking care of Rena, that I didn’t have time to process all that had happened. Then, one day she was gone and I realized I had just lost my entire family.” Brian paused

 

Justin leaned his head on Brian’s shoulder, silently waiting for Brian to continue.

 

“I ran off. I hitched a ride back to New York, where I proceeded to lose myself in sex, drugs and alcohol. I was 15. One night I tricked for this guy who gave me some shit. Let's just say it wasn’t what he said it was. I wound up in the emergency room. I had no identification, and I wasn’t talking to anyone, so they put me in rehab. They called Social Services and I was thrown in Juvie. They said I was the type to run. No use in wasting good foster care on me.” Brian made an unintelligible sound.

 

  

  1. “So I told them I had an uncle Vic and gave them Vic’s number.”   
  



 

Brian ran his hand up Justin’s leg. Justin squirmed in his lap.

 

“Vic came and got you out?” 

 

  

  1. He told me he'd talked to Deb and they agreed I could live with them. I took the deal.”   
  



 

“I didn’t know you lived with Deb.” 

 

“Just for a little while. I was 16 by then. I got a part-time job and moved into a shit hole that was shared by four college students. I paid some rent and ran errands for them. So it worked out. Soon after I graduated from high school and went to college. The rest, you know.” Brian ended the story by raising his hand to cup Justin’s balls.

 

Justin turned his face into Brian’s neck and nipped him. Brian moaned.

 

“Let's go to bed,” Brian said. “I have a feeling we’re not going to get much sleep tonight and we have a big day tomorrow.” Brian swatted Justin’s ass to get him off his lap.

 

Justin rose and pulled Brian with him. He let out a sad sigh.

 

“What’s the matter, Sunshine? You want to talk more?” Brian asked, concern heavy in his voice.

 

“No, well, it’s just that … I wish I could ... I feel like ... never mind.” Justin shook his head and pulled Brian towards the bedroom.

 

Brian held him back. He knew what Justin was saying. There were so many secrets Brian had kept from him. Yet, Michael, Deb and Vic knew things he didn’t. Brian knew Justin felt betrayed somehow. The truth was that no one was closer to Brian than Justin—not even Michael. 

 

Loving Justin and loving Michael was like loving Rena and loving Andy—two very different kinds of love. With Justin, it was even more than that. Andy was right. Justin _was_ the one for him. He'd known it the night he first saw Justin under the lamppost. Andy’s drawing had flashed in his head. But even if he had never seen that drawing, he would have known Justin belonged to him, their connection was that strong. Brian was just too stubborn to admit it at the time. Andy was right about that too.

 

“Justin, wait,” Brian said, causing the blond to turn and look at him. “I’ve never told anyone this,” he said, before stopping abruptly. Justin waited for him to continue, which he did a moment later. “Andy had visions.”

 

Justin looked confused. “What kind of visions?” 

 

“You know, visions, premonitions,” Brian explained.

 

Justin was intrigued. “Really?” 

 

Brian pulled Justin close to him and brought his hands up to cradle Justin’s face between them. He leaned in and softly kissed his lips.

 

“I saw you before I ever met you,” Brian said, willing Justin to believe him with his eyes. Justin saw the deep emotion and truth in them.

 

“Andy drew a picture of you standing under that lamppost. He gave it to Rena. I saw it in her drawer one day when I was 13.” 

 

Justin’s eyes grew wide, then suddenly they welled up with tears. “Jesus, Brian,” Justin whispered. 

 

Brian kissed him with all the love he never could express with words, but Justin heard him loud and clear. They went to bed and made love.

 

Several hours later Justin stood in the kitchen watching Brian drown himself in booze over a nightmare.

 

Brian lowered the bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked over and saw his lover looking at him with all the love that Brian knew he would never deserve.

 

He wondered how Justin would feel if he knew Brian was a murderer. 


	12. New York

 **“We do not change as we grow older; we just become more clearly ourselves.”** **~ Lynn Hall**

 

“Ahhhhhhh…smell the Prada,” Brian exclaimed as he and Justin walked out of LaGuardia airport.

 

Justin laughed. Brian had woken up in a good mood this morning, which was a pleasant surprise. They hadn’t talked about his nightmare. While Brian had stayed up drinking last night, Justin had gone back to bed to wait for him. After an hour, Brian came back to bed and went to sleep. Justin wasn’t about to bring the topic up.

 

Brian dropped Justin off at school this morning then went to see Lindsay and Gus to tell them he was going to be out of town for a few days. He picked Justin up around noon for their 3 o’clock flight to New York.

 

The flight was uneventful. They talked about Rena a little. Justin wanted to know everything about her. 

 

“Her aunt was married how many times?” Justin asked. The more he learned about Rena’s life, the more fascinated he was with her. 

 

Brian indulged his curiosity. 

 

“Last count was nine. But that was six years ago.”

 

“Beats Elizabeth Taylor’s record.”

 

Brian sighed. “You’ve been hanging around Emmett too much.” 

 

Justin could feel the tension emanating off of Brian’s body. Though he would never admit it, Brian was nervous about this reunion. Sex this morning had been tense. Brian rode him hard and fast, his mind clearly elsewhere. His body, though, always knew when to take over. Justin smiled to himself. Brian’s body truly did have a mind of its own. 

 

Justin, however, was more nervous than Brian. And Brian knew it. After all, they both knew about him, way before he came into Brian’s life. It felt very weird. Like he was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. He wondered, not for the first time since Brian had told him about Andy’s premonition, if Rena would recognize him.

 

“Do I call her Dr. Cardie?” he asked. Brian told him she had her doctorate in Behavioral Genetics.

 

“Actually, according to how she signed the letter, it’s Cardie-Kinney, now,” Brian informed him.

 

“She changed her name?” Justin asked, not too surprised.

 

“I assume so. I really won’t know till I talk to her. There’s a lot we don’t know about each other. We haven’t communicated in six years,” Brian said as he looked out the small window of the plane.

 

“Dr. Cardie-Kinney. Cool. You have a doctor in the family Bri, you should be proud!” Justin shoved his shoulder playfully.

 

Brian smiled at him. “Just call her Rena.” 

 

After landing, they retrieved their luggage. Brian had brought his expensive suitcase, and of course, all Justin took was an overnight bag. He didn’t need much. Brian, on the other hand, needed a carry-on bag just for his personal items. _Could the man be any more vain?_ Justin thought, shaking his head.

 

“You’re here to see your sister for the first time in 17 years, and your first thought is shopping. Why am I not surprised?” Justin teased.

 

Brian looked at him with mock disdain, stating, “Man’s got to have his priorities.”

 

“Ever the label Queen,” Justin replied, rolling his eyes as Brian stepped off the curb and hailed a cab to take them to the Hilton on 53rd and 6th.

 

Justin gazed out the window, watching the hustle and bustle of the city and remembering the last time he and Brian had been in New York.

 

He felt Brian fidget beside him. “I wonder if they’ll have white terry cloth robes at the Hilton?” he asked, reminding Brian of the time they spent in the hotel room Justin had paid for with Brian’s credit card when he ran away.

 

Brian looked over at him and graced him with a very sexy smile. “You still owe me for that little excursion, Sunshine,” he purred, licking Justin’s ear.

 

  

  1. “Hey! I paid you back every dime! I worked it off at the diner and in blow jobs!”   
  



 

“Not enough blowjobs, Sonny Boy, not nearly enough,” Brian whispered seductively into Justin’s ear.

 

The cab pulled up in front of the hotel. “Why don’t you two lovebirds take that inside?” the cab driver huffed. “That’ll be $15.50.”

 

Brian looked into the rearview mirror of the cab to see the driver watching them. He smiled at him, then leaned over and gave Justin a hot, open mouth kiss just for his benefit. When he pulled away, Justin was breathless. Brian looked back into the rearview mirror to see the cabbie’s flushed face. 

 

He handed him a $20 bill, plus a $10 tip. “One good tip deserves another,” he said as he exited the cab, leaving behind the cab driver who had enough grace to look embarrassed.

 

Brian looked up at the tall building before him, too lost in his thoughts to notice the bellboy who was already at their side fetching their luggage. Justin waited for him to go in. 

 

A good five minutes went by before Justin spoke. “Does she know we’re here?” 

 

Brian blinked at him, as if he just remembered where he was. “No. After we check in I’ll call her.” 

 

Brian needed to talk to Rena alone before Justin met her. He didn’t know if Rena remembered the drawing, but if she did, he didn’t want to spring Justin on her without warning. Besides, he didn’t know how he would react to seeing her after all this time. He wanted to have that first contact alone. So many emotions were running through him, he didn’t want Justin to witness a potential breakdown.

 

‘_Yes’, _he thought, ‘_let’s get__ settled in __the__ room first__. Then, I’ll__ call Rena’._

 

With a deep breath, he took Justin’s hand, tightly squeezing it in his own, and walked into the busy hotel lobby where many guests were mingling, some lounging atop lush couches, reading or holding conversations, most likely killing time. It was just after 5:00 pm. A little early for dinner.

 

He led Justin to the front desk where a cute red head was working. Standing to the side was a beautiful black haired boy who seemed to be hitting on the girl behind the desk. Brian smiled. He hoped the boy was still around later in the week. He would be fun to share with Justin.

 

Brian let go of Justin’s hand and reached into his breast pocket to pull out his credit card. 

 

“Reservation for Kinney,” he said to the red head.

 

The black haired beauty’s head shot around as if he had just heard Brian say, _“No one move, I have a bomb in my pocket.”_ Both Brian and Justin noticed the boy’s reaction.

 

“Holy fuck!” the boy exclaimed. 

 

Brian turned to look at him, his eyes searching the boy’s face to see if he recognized him. Brian never forgot a face. And then he saw it – this wasn’t a boy at all. It was a girl. ‘_Well__, that’s__ a first’__,_ he thought. His gaydar was never off.

 

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” he asked her.

 

The girl’s eyes moved back and forth from Justin to Brian.

 

“You didn’t call,” was her response.

 

Understanding dawned on Brian. This was Shane. The girl who answered the phone when he called yesterday morning.

 

Brian’s entire body stiffened. Justin didn’t understand what was going on. Who was this girl? Justin noticed it was a girl the same time Brian had. She was gorgeous and Justin couldn’t stop staring. 

 

“Where is she?” Brian asked.

 

Shane titled her head, studying him. “I was right,” was all she said.

 

Brian asked again, a little more exasperated at this point. “Where is she?”

 

 

Brian was just about the most beautiful man she’d ever seen. And Shane had seen a lot of men in her time. She knew from his picture he would be hot, but she never expected him to be _this _hot. But it was the boy standing next to him that unnerved Shane. It was the boy in the drawing Rena showed her last night, though Rena had never really explained who the boy was. This was definitely an interesting development.

 

“I’ll need your credit card, Mr. Kinney,” the clerk interrupted.

 

Brian handed her the card, his eyes never leaving Shane’s face. 

 

Shane decided to have a bit of fun with the beautiful brunet, who, she could tell, was losing patience fast. “Ok, I’ll play. Where is who?” Shane asked, an impudent smile playing on her lips. 

 

Justin couldn’t help but smile himself. This little imp was teasing the tiger. He liked her spirit. He had a feeling she could hold her own against Brian.

 

Brian, however, was not amused. His eyes narrowed and he leaned in close to her, locking her eyes with his, but when he spoke, his words were directed at Justin.

 

“I want you to meet Shane, Justin. Rena’s insolent assistant.” His warm breath caressed her face. 

 

_‘Shit, he’s trouble’,_ she thought. But trouble was Shane’s forte. 

 

She pulled her face back a bit to look at Justin. “Nice to meet you Justin. Tell me, does he bite?” she asked.

 

Justin laughed. “Only if you ask him nicely.” 

 

Brian shot Justin a warning look. Clearly, he was _not_amused. Justin pulled his lips in, trying to hide his smile.

 

The three of them were so engrossed that they didn’t notice the woman who walked up behind Shane.

 

“Here are your room cards, Mr. Kinney.”

 

His attention diverted, Brian turned to the desk clerk and listened as she told him what floor they were on, what the hotel amenities were, and other details he couldn’t be bothered with. He impatiently waited for her to finish the paper work and distribute the room cards.

 

Justin smiled at Shane and winked in camaraderie. His eyes wandered behind her and that’s when he saw her. He knew, instantly, that it was Brian’s sister.

 

She was tall, though not as tall as Brian, with striking features. Her hair was dark brown, almost black but not as black as Shane’s, and long. The rich glaze of her hair contrasted beautifully with the exquisite white pantsuit she wore. Expensive jewelry adorned her ears, fingers, and wrists – subtle touches enhancing her elegance. Justin’s gaze finally settled on her deep, green eyes that were currently fixated on him. The word glamorous came to mind. 

 

As glamorous as he found her to be, Justin noticed how pale she looked, which made him suddenly quite nervous. He reached over and tugged on Brian’s jacket, his eyes fixed on Rena. 

 

Shane saw Justin’s reaction and looked behind her.

 

“Shit,” she muttered.

 

Brian turned to see what Justin wanted. “What?” he snapped, his eyes following Justin’s gaze, directly to his sister.

 

His breath caught. Gone was the skinny 13 year old runt he remembered. In her place was a stunning, and very pale looking, woman. Brian smiled widely. Whatever he thought he would feel, it wasn’t this. He enjoyed the look of shock on Rena’s face as she stared at Justin. 

 

‘_Some things__ never __change_,’ he thought. The “boy” in him couldn’t help but tease his sister. 

 

He cleared his throat to get her attention. Her eyes shifted to his, and if it were possible, grew wider with renewed shock.

 

“Sorry Re, but we forgot his armor at home.” Brian winked at her.


	13. Some Things Never Change

**“We know one another's faults, virtues, catastrophes, mortifications, triumphs, rivalries, desires, and how long we can each hang by our hands to a bar. We have been banded together under pack codes and tribal laws. We are family.”**** ~Rose Macaulay** 

 

 

Rena stepped out of the elevator into the hotel lobby, her eyes searching for Shane. They had 6 o’clock diner reservations at Nino’s and she knew traffic would be a bitch at this hour.

 

James followed behind her carrying her Alta Moda, white mink fox coat over his arm. His slate gray Baroni suit added elegance to his naturally rugged, sexy features. At the age of 50, James maintained the body of a man 20 years his junior. More than one appreciative eye graced the stunning couple as they walked through the lobby.

 

Rena wasn’t what one would call a classic beauty, but she had a sex appeal that attracted both men and women. Her sharp, stunning features and the confidence with which she carried herself – that of a seductress – made for a lethal combination. 

 

Rounding the corner of the lobby she spotted Shane leaning against the hotel desk. She knew she would find Shane there since that pretty red head was working the night shift again. Shane was having a good time playing with her new toy.

 

She looked over her shoulder at James. “How long do you think till Shane grows tired of this new conquest?” she asked the older man, a teasing smile playing on her lips.

 

James looked over Rena’s shoulder to where Shane was standing. “Judging by the way she’s sizing up that blond, I’d say the little red head is about to get her heart broken,” James replied.

 

Rena turned back around to see who James was talking about, her eyes skimming over to the blond boy standing next to Shane, who, as Rena observed in her body language, was definitely about to become Shane’s new prey. As she watched the blond, Rena frowned. There was something familiar about him. Since she couldn’t get a good look at the boy from this distance she walked towards the lobby desk in order to see him more clearly. A few steps in, when the boy’s features came into view, she stopped dead in her tracks. James almost bumped into her from her abrupt halt.

 

There, talking to Shane, and smiling the most brilliant smile Rena had ever seen, was the boy in Andy’s drawing. Rena couldn’t move; she barely could think. It couldn’t be. She felt as if she were dreaming. ‘_That must be it’_, she thought. ‘_This __isn’t__ real’._ Somewhere in the back of her mind she felt James’s hand rest on her shoulder. Then she heard someone clearing their throat and she knew she must have been making a scene with her gawking.

 

She turned her head to look at the man who was trying to get her attention.

 

“Sorry Re, but we forgot his armor at home.” 

 

Bean! Ok, now she _knew_ she must be dreaming. But the reassuring hand on her shoulder squeezed lightly to remind her she was still very much awake. 

 

Her hands flew to her mouth to muffle the choked sob that threatened to come out. Her eyes brimmed with tears, her heart pounded loudly. There, in front of her, stood her brother. After all these years…

 

Rena screeched loudly before running and jumping into Brian’s arms. As people in the lobby turned to see what caused the commotion, Rena grabbed a hold of Brian’s neck and pulled herself up to wrap her legs around his waist. Just like she used to jump him when they were kids fooling around.

 

Brian braced himself for the onslaught he had seen coming the minute before Rena launched herself at him. He laughed with such joy it almost burst his heart. He lifted his sister and squeezed her tight while Rena cried into his neck.

 

“Oh Bean, Bean….” she kept the mantra up as Brian buried his face into her hair. His own eyes were dangerously close to overflowing. The sight of the reunion was not lost on the lobby’s occupants. 

 

Justin looked on with tears of his own. He had never seen Brian so happy. And Rena, well, it was obvious how deeply she missed her brother.

 

“Come on, Blondie,” Shane said to Justin. “Let’s take this show backstage. I don’t think they’d appreciate an audience.”

 

Justin looked over at Shane and nodded before grabbing Brian’s credit card and their room cards and gently nudging Brian towards the elevator. James, who stood behind Rena, came around to shield the couple with his body as Shane and Justin guided the siblings out of the lobby.

 

Brian let himself be escorted away, carrying Rena with him. He just couldn’t put his sister down, and, even if he wanted to, she was not about to be dislodged.

 

At the elevators, James pressed the button. As they waited, the three of them, Shane, Justin, and James, watched in silence as the siblings hugged and cried, muttering words that were unintelligible due to the strong emotions each was experiencing. When the elevator doors opened, Justin and Shane guided Brian and Rena inside. James stepped in last and stopped anyone from entering with them.

 

“What room are you guys in?” Shane asked Justin.

 

 

But when they saw each other, Justin could see all the years melt away. They were once again the children they had left behind. Brian finally had his family back and Justin reveled in Brian’s happiness. He knew what family meant to Brian, especially since Brian had gone so long without one. 

 

Having Gus put a new light into Brian’s eyes. It was the most important thing to Brian, though most of his friends would scoff at that notion since Brian never let anyone know how vulnerable he was when it came to his family. But Justin knew.

 

He knew it when Gus was born. The way Brian held the baby in his arms, the way he looked at him. Justin had just met Brian a few hours before they went to the hospital and he was able to see what his friends, who had known the brunet so much longer, couldn’t see. Nothing was more important to Brian then family. From the moment Gus was born, Brian’s life belonged to that child. He would do anything to protect Gus.

 

 

Justin wiped a tear from his eye, before answering Shane. “Shit, I didn’t ask,” he said. He looked at the key card. “3303.” 

 

“Rena has the penthouse suite on the 43rd floor. Let’s go there first, then you guys can check into your room,” Shane advised.

 

Justin nodded in agreement. He was glad Shane was taking over. Brian was lost in his sister right now and Justin had no idea what to do.

 

The elevator stopped at the 28th floor and the doors opened but James stopped the people from coming in and pressed the elevator button for the penthouse. He wasn’t going to let anyone in.

 

Once they reached their destination, Justin and Shane guided Brian, who was still carrying Rena, out of the elevator. They stood in front of the suite’s door while James slid the card in to open it. He then turned around and put his hands on Rena’s waist to try and separate her from Brian.

 

Rena felt herself being pulled away and began screaming bloody murder while grabbing wildly at Brian to hold on to him more tightly. Brian instinctively pulled her back and stepped away, not letting the man take her from him.

 

She was lost in a past memory. She was 13, saying good-bye to Bean as Viv came to take her away. She had hugged him so tightly, Viv had to literally pull her away from Brian. It was a very traumatic parting, and Rena was now reliving it.

 

 

“Stop, don’t touch her!” Justin yelled.

 

James looked at him, momentarily stunned. The boy had a dangerous look in his eyes as if he would do damage if James dared touch the pair. ‘_Such courage from one so young’_, he thought to himself. James respected that. He backed off, yielding to the boy’s better judgment. It was obvious he had an understanding of the emotions the two were experiencing at the moment.

 

James opened the door to the suite and gestured for Justin to enter. Justin turned to Shane. “Shane, guide them to the couch. They can sit there and hold each other as long as they need. It’s important they not feel threatened. They’ll eventually feel safe enough to let go,” Justin informed her.

 

Shane was impressed as well. She did as he asked, carefully guiding the pair to the couch. Justin gently pushed Brian back until the back of his knees came in contact with the couch. He automatically sat down, bringing Rena down with him onto his lap. She curled into him and cried. Brian looked up at Justin through hazy eyes and gave him a thankful smile. Justin reached out and rubbed his arm, smiling back through his tears. He nodded his head, before leaving the siblings on the couch.

 

Justin looked around the suite, which was large, extravagant, and fully equipped. There was a full kitchen and bar to the right, and to the left were a row of doors, which he was sure housed the bedrooms. The wall directly behind Justin hosted a large window that ran the length of the living room, offering a spectacular view.

 

James and Shane stood behind him, watching him. Justin all of a sudden felt awkward. He didn’t know these people yet he was giving them orders. He blushed at his own brashness.

 

Shane saw his blush and smiled. ‘_God__, he’s__ adorable_,’ she thought.

 

James just huffed and went to the bedroom to put Rena’s coat away, leaving Shane and Justin alone in the living room. Well, they might as well have been alone since Brian and Rena were in another place at the moment.

 

Justin smiled weakly at Shane. “I’m sorry,” was all he could think to say.

 

“Bullshit,” she answered with a laugh. “You’re not sorry one bit.” She then grabbed Justin’s elbow and led him to the bar. “Come on, let’s get you a drink,” she said, opening the refrigerator and snagging two bottles of Corona. She flipped the caps off both bottles, then handed one to Justin. “Or would you prefer a glass of Jim Beam?” she asked.

 

“Rena has Beam?” Justin replied, taking the bottle from Shane.

 

“Oh yeah. There’s not much Rena doesn’t know about Brian’s habits,” Shane said as she took a long pull from the beer.

 

Justin lifted the bottle and drank deeply himself. He felt like he had an ally in Shane. It wouldn’t hurt to befriend her since he felt he was going to be on his own for awhile. Brian and Rena were going to need some time to get reacquainted.

 

“You know those two are going to be preoccupied all night?” Justin informed Shane.

 

“Good, it will give us time to get to know each other better.” Shane winked at Justin and gave him her most sexy smile.

 

Justin couldn’t help but grin. “You do know I’m gay, right?” he told Shane.

 

“And that changes what? Do I look like someone you’d have a hard time fucking?” she asked bluntly.

 

Justin sputtered, causing beer to spill from his mouth. Shane laughed and handed him a napkin, which Justin used to wipe his mouth. “Um, no, but…” Justin tried to answer Shane without insulting her. Truth was, he saw the way Brian had looked at her when they entered the hotel. Shane looked like a very hot young boy. ‘_Brian __never __could resist hot young boy’s_, Justin thought as he smiled to himself.  Still, she lacked the necessary equipment both he and Brian required of their tricks.

 

“Look Blondie, I’ve fucked more gay and straight men than you can count in that pretty little head of yours. Trust me, you’ll feel like you’re fucking the hottest little piece of ‘boy’ ass this side of fag city.” Shane took another sip of her beer.

 

Justin admired her bravado.  “Listen Shane, you are hot, no doubt, and yes, I could fuck you, and by the way, you’d _love_ it,” he added, “but let’s face it, you’re a girl.  Brian and I both prefer cock – sorry if I’m being too blunt.  Besides, even if that weren’t the case, I still wouldn’t hook up with you.  I’m with Brian.”

 

  

  1. Are you telling me he fucks around and you don’t?”   
  



 

Justin was truly astonished at Shane’s audacity. Yet, he couldn’t be angry. She was the most intriguing person he had ever met. “It’s not that simple,” he said.

 

“Never is,” she replied.

 

James joined them over at the bar. He pulled out the Gin and French Vermouth and proceeded to make himself a martini. 

 

“Leave the boy alone, Shane,” James admonished, glancing over at Justin. “Seems we didn’t have an opportunity for a proper introduction. I’m James. Rena’s personal bodyguard.” He didn’t offer his hand since they were currently busy shaking his drink.

 

“Hi, I’m Justin,” the blond replied, wondering why Rena needed a bodyguard.

 

“Uh huh,” James said, eyeing Justin skeptically. James wondered who this boy was. Was he anyone important to Rena’s brother, or just some trick he picked up? If he was just a trick, then James was going to get rid of him. Rena needed this time to reconnect with her brother without some little twink interfering.

 

“How long do you intend to stay?” he asked Justin as he poured his martini into a glass.

 

Justin didn’t understand exactly what James was asking, but there was no mistaking the hostility in the man’s tone.

 

“Back off James. This one’s Rena’s boy,” Shane said. She couldn’t tell James about the drawing. It wasn’t her place. But she knew Rena would flip if James threw out her “knight in shining armor.” Shane was jumping at the bit to find out what the story was behind this kid.

 

James threw Shane a sharp look, but before he could reply, Justin spoke up. “I’ll stay until Brian wants us to leave,” he shot back at James, challenging him with his eyes.

 

James once again saw that courage spring forth. He smiled at Justin. “You’ll stay until I kick your ass out,” he retorted.

 

Shane threw her hands up. “You’re fucking impossible James, you know that? Trust me, you don’t know who you’re fucking with.”

 

“This coming from the girl who doesn’t know who she’s fucking most the time?” James shot back at Shane.

 

Shane glared at him. “What’s the matter I-Spy? You having a hard time keeping up with my fucks or just having a hard time not being invited to _be_ one of my fucks?” Shane’s voice raised a notch.

 

“As if you could ‘keep me ‘up’ for any amount of time!” James yelled back at her. 

 

They were glaring at each other, the hostility between them thick in the air. Justin was afraid it might come to blows. “Please, we don’t need to –” Justin began as he tried to calm the situation down.

 

“Shut the fuck up!” James and Shane shouted at Justin at the same time, interrupting him.

 

“I suggest you _both_ shut the fuck up and leave my boyfriend alone,” Brian said, entering the discussion.  

 

All three looked over at him as he stood by the couch, daring anyone to say another word to Justin. Rena stood by his side, clutching his arm, her face puffy and red from crying, yet a look of pride shone in her eyes.

 

“Hey guys, I suggest you listen to him. He’s very protective of what’s his,” she said.


	14. Friends and Family

What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose.

~ Henry Ward Beecher

It was the most natural thing in the world having Rena jump into his arms. Brian’s heart rejoiced when he felt Rena give over all the years that separated them.

He may not know who Rena was today. What kind of woman she had become the past 6 years, but he did know it didn’t matter when she was with him. Who she was to the outside world, had no bearing on who she was with him. With him, all that she created over the years to be accepted by a society who didn’t value who she was born to be, melted away. The child in her never died. It never really dies in any of us. We just lose touch, he realized.

Together they had loved, laughed, cried and died a little.  
Life changed a lot of things, but some things would never change. Rena and he would always be this way with each other. There was a bond shared that no amount of years could tear apart. After all, it was only time.

Brian sat on the couch cradling Rena, memories flooding through him. Some happy, many sad. But all shared with the girl in his lap. She “knew”. She knew and accepted. In many ways he hated that she knew, it wasn’t fair to her, but as he often reminded himself, he was a selfish prick and part of him was glad she knew, and understood. The guilt would have killed him if not for her words that night.

“I’m glad it was you Brian. Andy wanted it to be you.”

He could hear her words after all these years echo in his mind.  
He wondered, not for the first time, if Andy had talked to her about it.

Finally, their tears subsided a bit, and emotions got reigned in. She sat up and wiped her slobbering face on his jacket. Great he thought, then smiled and kissed her swollen red nose.

“I should ring your fucking neck, you know that don’t you?” He gently scolded.

She laughed, and then hiccupped. “Fuck you Bean. You’d have had no respect for me if I broke that promise. Besides, what the fuck is 6 years? I’m here now.” She smiled widely.

Brian pushed her forward a bit to study her.

“You know Rena, you didn’t turn out so bad. Well not counting the puffiness and tearstains. You’re not that bad looking. Did you get your nose fixed?”

Rena placed both her hands on his chest and pushed a little too hard, nearly knocking herself off his lap. Brian laughed and caught her before she tumbled to the floor.

“Asshole.” She sniffed.

“Why does everyone call me that?” Brian sighed dramatically.

“Probably because it’s true.” Rena teased.

Brian heard loud voices coming from his right. He turned his head to look at what seemed to be an argument brewing. Rena followed his gaze and got up off his lap.

Brian made his way to the bar just as he heard Shane and the man standing opposite her turn to Justin and say.

“Shut the Fuck up!”

Brian’s eyes turned dark. “I suggest you BOTH shut the fuck up and leave my boyfriend alone.” Great he thought a minute too late. He used the word “boyfriend” again. Justin was NOT going to let him live this down. Twice in the past two days.

Justin turned, and smiled brilliantly at Brian, giving him that, “Oh you are so busted” look.

Rena warned Shane and James to back off.

“What the hell is it with you two lately anyway?” She asked them.

Neither answered, each looking a little embarrassed. Of course it was Shane who broke the awkward moment by creating another.

“So you two finish slobbering all over each other like a couple of school kids who haven’t seen each other since summer vacation?” She asked as she leaned against the bar, lifting the bottle of beer to her lips.

Brian pulled Justin to his side as if to protect him from her.

“Jesus Rena, don’t you train them before you employ them? At least tell me she’s housebroken.” He said sarcastically.

James excused himself and left the room.

“Actually Bean, if you take the time to get to know Shane, you’d like her. You two are alike in many ways.” Rena said.

Brian snorted. Justin could see why Rena said that. Shane had this “fuck you” attitude. Much like Brian had. And he suspected the source of that came from being hurt at some point in her life.

Shane looked at Rena like she lost her mind. “Are you crazy? I’m not like that fucking vain label queen! God look at him Rena, he’s more groomed then the prize ape at the Bronx zoo! Was he always a peacock?” She asked indignantly.

Brian’s eyes grew wide at the insult. His emotions were too raw at the moment to deal with her.

“A groomed ape would be a step up from you!” Brian spat.

“And if I were you, I wouldn’t mention the word cock unless you can produce one. I thought penis envy went out in the 90’s. The whole transgender thing doesn’t suit you “boyyy”.” Brian dragged out the word “boy”. His words could be lethal when he wanted them to be.

He then leaned forward and went in for the kill.

“Do you think you’re fooling my sister with this androgynous act? Well you’re not. Rena's smart enought to know that you're just some pathetic kid who doesn't have the balls to be a woman because you’re too fucking scared some guy’s going break your little girl heart.” Brian said sardonically.

 

“Ok, that’s enough.” Rena said. She shouldn’t be surprised Brian would peg Shane right off the bat. Her brother was very good at that. He was very intuitive when it came to people’s motives and sexuality.

“Brian..” Justin sighed his disapproval.

Shane actually smiled and laughed. A genuine laugh.

“Well this family reunion is going well.” Rena said. She gave Shane a menacing look.

“What!” Shane asked all innocently.

Justin knew Brian was still reeling from his emotions over seeing Rena again. He was being hurtful on purpose. He saw Shane as a threat. She was arrogant, insulting and very close to Rena. Brian wasn’t being rational.

“Brian, you need to spend time with Rena. Shane and I are going out. I’m hungry.” He turned to Shane.

“Shane, lets go get something to eat, then you can show me around town. Maybe you can take me to Splash in Chelsea. I heard it’s a hot gay bar.”

Brian turned on Justin and exploded. “You’re not going anywhere with her!”

Justin wasn’t backing down. “Right now I’m going to our room. In case you want to discuss this, it’s room 3303.” He turned to leave.

Fuck! Brian thought.

Shane silently cursed. Why did she have to bait Brian like that? If she were honest with herself it was because she saw him as a threat to her. Shane had been with Rena for almost 7 years now. Yet if Brian wanted her gone, she would be gone. Shane had no doubt of that. She had those thoughts before she even met Brian. Then when she saw him in the lobby, all her insecurities came crashing in on her.

Shane’s way of dealing with her insecurities was to fuck them, before they fucked her. And that was what she was doing with Brian. Truth was, she didn’t want to leave Rena. Shane had no doubt she would survive with out Rena, but she had thought she finally found a home with Rena. Rena made her believe that she was important. That she was relevant. And Shane had never felt relevant before.

“Brian.” Shane started hesitantly.

Brian whipped around to face her, rage clearly in his eyes. Rena went to him and put her hand on his arm. The significant of that small gesture was not lost on Shane.

“I’m sorry. Seriously. I really like Justin. I would never harm him. I know you don’t have any reason to trust me, or believe me, but I know you’ll believe Rena. She’ll vouch for me. I’ll take good care of Justin.” Shane held her breath. It was definitely time for mea culpa.

Brian’s anger diffused a bit. He knew from Justin’s reaction he was being insufferable. He pinched the bridge of his nose with is thumb and forefinger and sighed deeply.

Shane continued. “Truth is Brian, you being here scares the shit out of me.” Well, in for a penny, in for a dime as the saying goes. Might as well get it all out on the table. Shane rather she knew where she stood now.

Brian’s head snapped up at that admission. “Why the fuck would you be scared of me?” He asked rather harshly.

“Because Rena loves you. You’re her brother. And if you don’t like me, then I’m gone. And the truth is, not many people like me. Oh they want to fuck me, but they very rarely like me.” Shane said honestly.

Rena looked at her sadly. She was so wrapped up with her own feelings about being reunited with Brian that she didn’t stop to think how it was affecting Shane. Or James for that matter. She hated that Shane felt this way. Though she couldn’t blame her. Rena was very clear about how important Brian was to her. She made a mental note to have a talk with Shane, and James. When she went back with Brian, she wanted Shane and James to come with her. She didn’t want them to feel they weren’t wanted anymore. Shane was her best friend. She saw things in Shane that no one else did, and she knew, in time, Brian would see those things as well. It seemed Justin had already seen those things in Shane. Justin. She still hasn’t dealt with that little revelation. Brian and her had a lot to talk about.

“No one likes you because you want it that way.” Brian said brutally.

Shane didn’t argue.

“Tell you what, you make an effort to not piss me off, and I’ll let you hang with Justin. God knows you need a positive influence around you.” Brian said, and then he added. “As for whether or not you remain with Rena, that’s between you and her. Justin has friends I personally can’t stand. But that doesn’t stop me from being with him.”

He went over to her and took the bottle of beer out of her hand and took a drink from it. He returned it to her and smiled.

“You know Shane, I thought you had tougher skin than that. Well it looks tough anyway.” He smirked

“Fuck you.” She said and smiled back.

Brian turned to Rena. “Re, I have a really pissed off blonde I have to go deal with. He makes this one look like a pussy cat, trust me.” He leaned in and kissed her cheek. “I’ll be back soon.” He said and headed out the door.

Rena looked at Shane. “I don’t know if you and Justin together is such a good idea.” She mused. “Brian and I are fucked if you two should ever decide to gang up on us!”

They both laughed. Rena opened her arms and Shane went into them.

****************************************************************

Justin was unpacking the bags when he heard Brian walk in. He looked over his shoulder at Brian, and then went back to unpacking.

Ok, not a good sign Brian thought. He walked over to Justin and brought his hands up on his shoulders, he lowered his head and started kissing Justin’s neck.

“Knock it off Brian.” Justin said. Brian ran his hands down Justin’s arms and pulled him away from the bags.

“Brian, I’m serious. You were very mean to Shane. How do you think she must feel? Her life is suddenly going to be turned upside down. She was just venting her fear.”

Brian loved the way Justin always saw past people’s bullshit to what was really going on with them. Brian couldn’t see past his own pain, or the pain of the ones he loved.

“Hey, be nice to me. I called you my boyfriend.” Brian teased as he ran his tongue up the back of Justin’s neck. He could feel Justin smile.

“As if that excuses anything.” Justin said weakly.

Brian moved his mouth to Justin’s ear and whispered. “Boyfriend.”

Justin laughed and turned around into Brian’s arms. He placed his hands on Brian’s chest. “What am I?” He said with a teasing gleam in his eyes.

Brian looked down into Justin’s eyes. He held his gaze; Justin could see he was trying to figure something out. Brian leaned in and kissed Justin softly on the mouth.

“You’re not my boyfriend.” He said with all seriousness.

The gleam left Justin’s eyes. He lowered his face to hide the disappointment he felt. Well he thought, it was too soon, and too much to ask for at this point.

Brian put his hand under Justin’s chin and lifted his face to look at him.

“Boyfriends are interchangeable. They come they go, sometimes for a month, or a year, or sometimes just for a few hours. That word doesn’t suit us. You’re my partner Justin. My life partner. You came into my life long before I met you. “

He took Justin’s hand and placed it over his heart.

“You’ve been here for so long, I can’t image you not there.” Brian’s words floated over Justin like a soothing balm. Justin laid his head over his hand on Brian’s chest.

Justin’s eyes welled up. “I love you Brian.” Justin whispered into his chest.

Brian pulled Justin up and kissed him hard on the mouth. They moved backwards towards the bed. Brian went to lay Justin down.

“Ouch!” Justin yelped. He landed on the suitcase. Brian reached under Justin and pushed the suitcase to the floor. Justin scooted up on the bed, Brian followed.

Brian kissed him frantically. All the pent up emotions from the day’s events poured out of him into Justin’s mouth. Justin couldn’t’ get enough. He ran his hands through Brian’s hair, pulling at it in his need. Brian ravished Justin’s mouth. His tongue sweeping the inside, running over his teeth, dueling with his tongue, running along the inner bottom lip, then the upper, he explore all of him.

Justin pulled his mouth away from Brian, “fuck me.” He said before he recaptured his mouth again.

Brian made haste in pulling Justin’s pants off. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom and a packet of lube. He was still fully dressed, Justin still had on his shirt.

Brian unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out. He tore the condom open with his teeth and hastily put it on him.

He lifted Justin’s legs up over his shoulders and grabbed the packet of lube; he ripped it open and spread it over Justin’s opening. He inserted one finger, then two, making sure Justin was ready for him. Justin moaned deeply and pulled Brian down, desperate to have him inside of him.

Brian removed his fingers and replaced it with his cock. With one swift movement, he buried himself inside Justin’s warmth.

Justin hissed and grabbed onto Brian’s arms. Brian brought his mouth down and kissed Justin, slowly and seductively this time. Teasing him, making him shake with need. Justin ran his hands up over Brian’s shoulders and bucked up causing Brian to gasp.

Brian pulled out of Justin, slowly until the tip of his cock was just at the rim, then he quickly slammed back into Justin. Justin cursed. Brian smiled and repeated the motion.

Justin was panting wildly. Brian slowly tortured him alternating between sweet slow strokes, to hard fast ones, to teasing ones. Justin wanted to cum so bad it hurt.

“Please Brian, please, now.” He begged.

Brian looked down at his lover. The look of total ecstasy on Justin’s face inflamed his own passion. His head was thrown back, his eyes closed. He was lost in the feeling. Need overcame reason. He started bucking Brian wildly.

“Justin look at me” Brian commanded.

Justin was beyond hearing him. He was running on pure sensation.

“Justin!” Brian said more firmly.

Justin moaned in distress. He didn’t want to listen, he wanted to cum, now.

Brian stilled his movements. Justin jerked up trying to force Brian to move.

When Brian wasn’t cooperating, he went to grab his own cock, looking for release. Brian grabbed his arms and held them down. Not letting Justin give himself the release he craved.

Justin cried out his frustration. He reluctantly opened his eyes.

Brian saw unadulterated passion in those eyes.

“Tell me.” He said.

Justin looked at him confused. He was so lost in his passion. His cock was straining for release.

Brian was relentless. “Tell me!” He said more harshly. His eyes burning into Justin’s.

Justin looked into Brian’s eyes and saw need. Not sexual need, though that was definitely there, but a reaffirming need. A desperate need to hear the words.

“I love you.” Justin said.

Brian leaned in and kissed him and started riding him hard. Justin cried into Brian’s mouth.

Brian increased his tempo until neither could hold on any longer. Justin’s orgasm ripped through him, he dug his hands into Brian’s arms, his muscles clamping down on Brian’s cock.

Brian screamed out his release and pulsed his orgasm into Justin.

Justin’s legs slid down off of Brian’s shoulders. Brian collapsed on him.

He was still feeling the rippling affects of his orgasm as his cock stayed embedded in Justin. He turned his head and whispered in Justin’s ear.

“I love you too.”


	15. Pain Management

"It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it."

~ W. Somerset Maugham

“No one does Thai like New York.” Brian remarked savoring a mouth full of spicy noodles.

There was a Thai restaurant on every block in the city. Brian was in heaven.

He and Rena were curled up on the couch eating out of the take out containers. There was a half empty bottle of Beam, several empty bottles of Coronas, along with an ashtray full of cigarette butts, some roaches, and yes, popcorn, sprawled over the coffee table in front of them.

They were comfortably high, well fed, and giddy. Currently they were playing “one up” on each other with personal stories of past exploits from the past 6 years.

“I fucked a priest.” Brian said, as he put the container of noodles down and picked up the joint in the ashtray and lit it.

Rena laughed hysterically. “Tell me,” She sputtered between giggles. “how does one fuck a man of God? I mean, did you do it missionary style or did you have to be on your knees the whole time?”

She rolled back on the couch clutching her stomach as if she just said the funniest thing.

Brian pushed her off the couch. She landed with a “thump” on her ass and laughed harder.

Brian laughed with her and extended his hand to pull her up on the couch again.

He handed her the joint. She took a drag and handed it back. She let out a big sigh.

“You’re fucking worse then Mikey.” Brian teased as he took a hit off the joint.

“Two joints and your wasted.” He croaked around the inhaled smoke.

“Yeah, well I’m a doctor. I don’t smoke pot. It’s unethical.” She smiled up at him.

“I do what any respectable doctor does.” She put her hand out to take the joint back from Brian.

“I write my own prescriptions.” She burst into laughter again.

Brian shook his head.

“That would be funny if I didn’t believe you.”

Brian said half jokingly. He was finding out little by little that he and Rena shared a lot of the same bad habits. Neither had self control when it came to self indulges.

“Mikey!” She screeched. “Jesus, how the fuck is he! How did he react to my letter?” She asked as she put the joint back in the ashtray.

“Mikey is great. He can’t wait to see you again. We told his mother.” Brian informed her.

Rena reached over for the bottle of Beam and took a swig.

“How did that go?” She asked warily.

“Actually a lot better than I thought it would.” Brian said honestly.

“She’s all emotional now over getting to meet the “newest” member of her little family.” Brian smirked.

Rena laughed. She remembered from Brian’s letters that Deb considered herself mother hen to all the boys on Liberty Avenue. She guessed they were lucky that way. Each found a surrogate family while they were separated. Brian had Michael Deb and Vic, and she had Viv, James and Shane.

“He’s seeing someone.” Brian said.

Rena perked up. Brian wouldn’t mention this if it weren’t serious.

“And?” She asked waiting for the punch line.

“He’s HIV positive.”

They grew soberly silent in that minute.

Rena cleared her throat. “How are you dealing with it?” She asked Brian.

Brian loved Michael like a brother. He was the only he trusted with Rena. The three of them held a special bond created over their shared experience 17 years ago. Brian protected Michael. Rena knew Brian must be out of his mind with fear and worry for Michael. Rena and Brian had first hand experience of losing someone to AIDS. She knew that was his worse nightmare.

She scooted next to him, and laid her head on his shoulder.

“How’s he doing?” She asked.

Brian took the bottle of Beam from her and took a long drink.

“Actually he’s doing great. His T levels are good. He’s on the cocktail. No sign of the virus.”

He looked over at her.

“He’s fucking hot Rena. Wait till you see him. Works out all the time. He’s a college professor.” He informed her.

Rena blinked up at him, then sat back and started laughing hysterically.

“What!” Brian said making a face at her like she just went mad.

“You fucked him!” She laughed harder.

Fuck, Brian thought. How the fuck did she guess that? He pushed her away playfully.

Rena laughed harder. “Jesus Brian, does Mikey know?” She asked.

“Yes, thanks to Justin. He figured it out, just like you just did. Do I wear all my past fucks on my sleeve or something? What is it?” Brian asked taking another swig of the Beam.

“OK OK OK…” Rena slurred as she rose from the couch, somewhat unsteady, onto her feet. She stood in front of Brian and pointed at him.

“What the FUCK is the story with Justin! Jesus Brian! I nearly had a coronary when I saw him! Where did you FIND him?” She asked.

“Where do you think?” Brian replied, smiling up at her.

“God no, don’t even tell me!” Rena plopped her ass down on the coffee table, facing Brian.

“Under a lamppost.” Rena said. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

“Just like Andy drew him.” Brian finished what was left in the bottle then got to his feet. His legs were a little more steady then Rena’s, but not that much.

Rena turned her head to follow him. “You saw that picture only once Brian. And just for a minute. Did you recognize him from the drawing?” She asked somewhat bewildered.

Brian went to the bar and pulled out another bottle of Beam.

“Oh, yes. I definitely remembered the drawing.” Brian opened the bottle and brought it back to the couch and sat down in front of Rena.

“I was coming out of the club one night, ready to go home. Mikey was there, and Ted and Emmett, friends of ours.” Brian explained.

“All of a sudden, something compelled me to look down the street.” Brian’s eyes looked past Rena’s, as if recalling the memory.

“There was all this steam coming up from a manhole. People were milling around. The whole scene was very industrial. Then all of a sudden, I saw this blonde boy come through the fog of the steam.

My heart skipped. He looked familiar at that point, but I still couldn’t place him.”

Brian lifted the bottle and took a drink before continuing. Rena sat on the coffee table, mesmerized by the accounting.

“Then, as if I were in some fucking Fellini movie, time seemed to slow down. Reality shifted. The blonde walked over to a lamppost at the corner of the street and stopped to lean against it.

That’s when it hit me. The drawing in your room. The vision came rushing back to me. There he was, that boy in your drawing.”

Rena took a deep breath. “Fucking incredible.” She said.

“Yeah, fucking incredible.” He agreed. “Naturally I went up to him and picked him up. Took him home, gave him a rim job and fucked him into the mattress. Haven’t been able to shake him since.” Brian finished with a humorous smile.

“Haven’t been able to stop yourself from falling in love with him either.” Rena declared.

Brian raised an eyebrow and lit a cigarette.

Rena got up and went into her bedroom. When she came out she was carrying a small metal box.

She sat down on the coffee table again facing Brian.

Brian put the Beam down on the table next to her and leaned in to see what she was holding.

Rena opened the box. She pulled out the folded piece of paper and handed it to Brian.

Brian took it and leaned back on the couch. He carefully unfolded the drawing. There, staring at him was Justin, leaning against the lamppost. Seeing the drawing again after all these years made Brian’s chest constrict.

Andy’s vision. Andy was never wrong. Tears welled in his eyes. He’s known Justin all his life, he thought ironically. Yet it didn’t change a thing.

“Andy’s visions were never wrong.” Rena’s voice broke into his thoughts.

“No. They weren’t.” He agreed.

Brian looked up at Rena, puzzlement etched into his handsome face.

“What I don’t understand Rena, is why Andy gave you the drawing?” He asked.

Rena shrugged. “I don’t know. I walked in as Andy was drawing him. I asked him who the boy was.

He told me that the boy’s soul was connected to you. I asked him if he was going to give you the drawing and he said no.” Rena titled her head a bit and squinted her eyes as if trying to recall some detail.

“Actually he hesitated, as if trying to decide whether or not he should give it to you. Then he said no.

He gave it to me. I asked him why me and he said because someday the boy was going to save me.”

Rena leaned in and took the drawing from Brian.

“I didn’t understand what he meant at the time. I “dubbed” him my knight in shinning armor.” She smiled at the memory, studying the drawing.

“I remember you calling him that when I first saw the picture.” Brian recalled, leaning forward to stub out his cigarette.

She looked up at him. “What do you think Andy meant?” She asked anxiety etched on her face.

Brian better understood Rena’s reaction at seeing Justin now. It wasn’t just seeing a face, a vision that Andy drew. It was what it meant for her. If Justin was meant to save her, then that meant something was going to happen to Rena.

“I don’t know.” Brian said. “But I wouldn’t worry about it. You could do a lot worse then having Justin save you.” He winked at her, willing away some of her fear.

“He is hot.” She put her tongue in her cheek and smiled. Imitating Brian’s famous smirk.

Brian laughed and reached over and took the metal box away from her. He looked inside and pulled out the picture of the three of them on the Monkey bars.

He had no pictures of Andy. When he left the Cardie’s, he left everything behind. He was even forced to leave Rena behind. Though he did go back for her one week later. But all personal belongs were left behind in their haste to escape. He was glad Rena managed to take some items with her. It was the first time he saw Andy outside his mind in over 17 years. He stared at the picture until his vision blurred from the tears forming in them.

Andy….

Brian shook his head. He willed the booze and pot to take over once again. He needed it to ease away the pain. Yip, he thought, sex, drugs and alcohol. Pick your poison. Each excellent resources for pain management.

Rena took the picture from him and put everything back in the metal box and placed it on the table.

She moved on to the couch and hugged Brian tight. They stood like that for sometime. Lost in memories of Andy.

James looked on from the crack in his bedroom door.

********************************************************************

One step forward, two steps back Justin thought despondently. He watched Shane as she danced suggestively in the middle of the club with two hot guys. Neither, he was sure, was aware that she was a girl. Appearances were often deceiving, he thought cynically.

Justin leaned against the bar and took a drink of his beer. Splash was all it was reported to be.

Upscale, trendy and filled with hot guys. If Justin had any fucking brains he’d just lose himself in one of them. After all, Brian approved.

Fucking Brian. Why was it always so fucking hard with him! Today, after the confrontation in Rena’s suite, they made love back in their room. And it was love; Brian even told him he loved him. But having those words come from Brian Kinney’s mouth was like a death sentence.

Immediately afterwards Brian withdrew emotionally from him. He got up and took a shower, as if to wash those thoughts from his head, those feelings from his body. Justin felt hurt, used and angry.

They finished unpacking and dressed in silence. Brian was cold, and distant. He remained that way when they arrived back at Rena’s.

“Hey Blondie, you ready for a hot time on the town?” Shane asked as the two of them entered. Justin smiled and nodded.

“Sure.” He said. “Let’s get something to eat first.” Justin was watching Brian the whole time out of the corner of his eye.

Brian went over to Rena and gave her a quick kiss and hug. James was in the kitchen making a sandwich.

“What’d you say worm, we eating in?” He said.

“Got it all planned. Thai, Beam and pot.” She said.

Brian nodded his approval. He never looked at Justin. Rena did though. She turned and looked in Justin’s eyes. Justin could feel the tension emanating from her.

“I’m sorry Justin. With all the excitement, we haven’t had a chance to “actually” meet. She said as she walked over to him.

Justin smiled at her as she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly. “I’m glad you’re finally here.” She whispered in his ear. Justin hugged her back tightly. Fighting back tears.

“Justin.” Brian called his name. Justin pulled away from Rena, hope creeping into his chest. It was the first time he spoke to him since he told him he loved him.

“You’re in New York city for God sakes. Don’t disappoint me. Go out and find some hot city guys and fuck your brains out. If you find any worth bringing home, bring them back to the room.” He said flippantly. He walked over to Justin and gave him quick hot kiss, then turned his back on him.

Justin’s heart sank. One step forward. Two steps back.

Justin and Shane took off.

Justin knew Brian meant what he said. They were life partners. But Brian was also telling him that didn’t mean life would be easy. Sometimes Justin thought Brian was testing him. Actually, Brian was constantly fucking testing him. Pushing him to see how much bullshit Justin would take before he finally left Brian, which Brian thought he would eventually do anyway. The fact that Justin did do just that, leave Brian for Ethan, only reinforced Brian’s belief that Justin was going to leave him for good one day. How could Justin ever explain to Brian that though Justin might run at times, he would never forget his way home? He thought Brian understood that when he overheard his conversation with Ethan the other night.

Justin knew Brian would never leave him. Justin was it for Brian. He knew it in his soul. Just as he knew Brian was it for him. The problem was Brian believed Justin deserved better. Brian would rather be alone and miserable the rest of his life than have Justin settle.

Justin loved Brian, but didn’t know how to break through Brian’s self loathing. At least now, he consoled himself, he knew part of where that self-loathing stemmed from. His past with Andy and Rena were a big part of why Brian suffered with such low self-esteem issues. As Ted would say, knowing what the problem is was half the battle. With Rena’s help, maybe, he could help Brian heal from his past.

“Hey Justin,” Shane came over to him breathless and sweaty from dancing. “Get me a drink.” She said. Her voice was low and harsh. He noticed she used it the moment they walked into the bar.

Shane liked playing the “boy”. Justin was concerned it was going to get her into big trouble one day.

Justin turned around and ordered a Corona for her.

“Hey cock tease!” A man’s voice came from behind Justin.

Justin turned to see the guy Shane was dancing with. His comment was directed at Shane.

“Fuck off.” She said and laughed in his face.

Not good Justin thought.

“What’s the matter boy? Cant’ handle a real man?” He taunted.

“What part of fuck off didn’t you understand?” Shane spat out then turned her back on him and took the Corona off the bar.

Justin looked over her shoulder at the guy. He was big, and horny. Justin knew Shane wasn’t going to get out of this one easily.

The man grabbed Shane’s arm. His voice turned coaxing. “Come on, you can’t expect me to just give up on a hot little number like you, do you?” He crooned. “I’ll make you scream. You’ll love it.” He boasted.

Justin saw the gleam in Shane’s eyes and braced himself.

“Ok stud. I’ll let you fuck me. My ass is as tight as any virgins.” She bragged.

Justin was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“But you’ll have to blow my friend here first.” She added.

And there it was. Justin sighed.

“Shane, leave me the fuck out of this. I got enough trouble of my own.” He said.

“Come on Jus, you fucking deserve it. Fucking Brian practically made you promise to get laid. The least you can do is get blown.” Shane was relentless.

“No.” He said.

“Fine.” Shane said backing off.

“Hey, I understand. Next time Brian is fucking some trick you can just hold his coat for him. Better yet, just hold his cock for him. He’d much prefer that I’m sure.” Shane goaded.

Fuck her! Justin thought. And Fuck Brian for putting him in this position.

“FINE!” Justin said. He looked at the guy. “Where’s the back room?” He asked. Shane smiled.

The guy looked confused. He never actually agreed to blow anyone, but hey, this blonde was cute, and if it meant he could get into the hot boy’s ass, then what the hell.

They went into the back room. It was much like the back room at Babylon Justin thought. Dark, dank, and filled with moans. They made their way to an empty spot towards the rear. Justin leaned back against the wall and pulled his zipper down.

The trick dropped to his knees and took Justin’s cock out. He proceeded to suck him.

Justin turned his head away. Sick with the display, with himself. He heard Shane whisper in his ear.

“Let it go Justin. When it comes down to it, it’s all about the moment, isn’t it? What ever is between you and Brian isn’t going to get solved by denying yourself some pleasure. Don’t let his shit become your shit.” Shane rested her head on Justin’s shoulder and watched the trick suck him off.

Justin took Shane’s advice. Fuck it. There was a warm mouth, right now, sucking him off. That’s all he was going to think about.

He closed his eyes and gave over to the feeling. This was what Brian must feel when he fucks to ease his pain. Funny, Justin thought, it does work. Couldn’t really think of much when you were ready......

to to.. to.. to……..Arghhhhhh….

Justin grabbed the guys’ head and rammed his cock down his throat. The guy was good. He swallowed all of Justin.

Justin drifted back to reality slowly. The warm mouth was gone now. For that brief moment, he felt good. All the pain gone. He looked over to see Shane bent over a bench; the trick was ramming her ass hard. She was lost in her own world of pleasure.

He shook his head. Pain management. Another lesson learned from the Kinney operating manual.


	16. Better Than A Blow Job

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

~ Sam Keen

 

Justin lay on his side, pretending to be asleep when he heard Brian enter the room.

He’d just gotten in about an hour ago. Shane was past drunk and Justin decided it was time to take her back to the hotel. Other than Brian, Justin never saw anyone make so many trips into the back room in one night. After his first, and only visit to the back room of Splash Justin decided it wasn’t worth it. Yes, he could see how it provided a few minutes of delicious numbness, but all too soon, the numbness was replaced with remorse. And the pain was still there. It was either get another “fix” or find another solution. Justin chose the latter.

Brian was addicted to his pain management practices. He understood that better now having had the taste of it. It was very tempting to get another “hit” of that state of oblivion. Where everything faded and you were only left the “moment” of pleasure. He knew Shane understood its power as well. Her words came back to him:

“When it comes down to it, it’s all about the moment, isn’t it?”

Shane was drowning her pain in sex tonight. Justin wasn’t sure of the cause of her pain. If he had to guess, he would say it had something to do with Brian reappearing in Rena’s life.

Justin liked Shane. He understood her. He agreed with Rena; there were a lot of similarities between Shane and Brian. Both lived according to their own rules, both were harboring some deep emotional pain, and both were insufferable snobs. Justin smiled remembering how Shane manipulated more than one trick tonight. She fucked them, but it was obvious Shane had no respect for them. She used them for her own purposes.

The difference between the two was that Brian knew exactly who he was, faults and all. Shane had identity problems. Brian also never used manipulation to get sex. He never had to. With his spectacular good looks, and natural sexual magnetism, getting laid was almost always too easy for Brian. If anything, it bored him. But some habits Justin knew were very hard to break.

Shane on the other hand had to work at it. She was sexy, but she didn’t have those drop dead gorgeous looks. And as for charm, well Shane wasn’t exactly a natural. Add to that her “Boy’s Don’t Cry” act and she really had her work cut out for her. She was still trying to find herself, or lose herself. He wasn’t sure which.

On the cab ride back to the Hotel, Shane apologized to him for setting him up with that guy in the back room. Justin had a feeling Shane didn’t like apologizing, or did it very often. She saw how Justin reacted afterwards, and felt immediate remorse. Another difference between her and Brian. Brian would have had no regrets.

“Honestly Justin, I thought you needed it.” She said in the form of her apology.

“Geesh, when I saw your face afterwards, I knew I really fucked up. Brian will have my fucking head if he finds out I forced you into doing something you regretted.” Shane confessed.

Justin smiled at her. “You didn’t force me to do anything Shane. And I don’t regret it. In fact, I’m glad I did it. It taught me something.” He said reassuringly.

It wasn’t that Justin never had anonymous sex before; he just never used it for pain. Even after the bashing, it was just the opposite. Justin didn’t want to be touched. His pain sent him into withdrawal both emotionally and physically. It was Brian who reawakened his sexuality.

Brian made Justin trust himself sexually again with him, and with other men. Now that Justin thought about it, all those tricks Brian brought home were not just for “play.” Brian didn’t want Justin to hide in the security of sex with just him. He knew Justin felt safe with him. But Brian also realized that Justin was young and gay and he wanted him to be able to once again enjoy his sexuality. He refused to let Hobbs take that away from him. He wanted Justin to know that he was still a very sensual, and sexy man that could enjoy sex with other men. A lesson Brian taught him over, and over again. Justin smiled to himself at the memory inside the dark interior of the cab.

Shane seemed to relax a bit. Justin could tell that Brian was the last person Shane wanted as an enemy. Smart girl.

They reached the hotel about an hour ago and said their good nights. Shane went up to her suite, and Justin went into his room. Brian wasn’t there. He wasn’t surprised; he knew that he and Rena would probably stay up all night catching up. Reliving old memories, some good, many he was sure bad. He worried about the mood Brian would be in when he came back to the room. That was assuming he did make his way back tonight.

He took a quick shower, and then got under the blankets. He was barely settled when he heard the door open. Justin froze. Brian must have left Rena’s shortly after Shane stumbled in.

Justin listened as he heard Brian close the door behind him. The soft sound of his footsteps on the carpet was deafening. He willed his breathing to slow down and he kept his eyes closed.

The bed dipped beside him as Brian climbed in. Justin felt Brian’s arm come around and over him, and then withdraw. The movement puzzled him. He slowly opened his eyes and saw a photograph lying on the bed in front of him. He blinked, trying to focus, and studied the picture.

It was a photo of 3 young kids. He spotted Brian immediately. He was in the middle. Tall, skinny, his features sharp, not yet filled out. Justin’s heart swelled.  
Hanging on a bar next to Brian was a girl. Justin assumed it was Rena. She was adorable. Impish looking with long dark braided hair that was coming undone on all sides. They were smiling, dangling from a monkey bar set.

Justin’s eyes moved to the other boy in the picture. This must be Andy Justin thought. He held his breath. Andy. Brian’s first love.

Andy was older then the two next to him. He was sitting on top of the monkey bars, looking down on his two playmates. An indulgent smiled played on his lips. He looked to be about 15 or 16. He had sandy hair that was a bit long. One of his long legs was bent at the knee, his foot resting on one of the bars. His arm was carelessly draped over that knee, while his other leg swung off to the side. He was holding a cigarette in his hand. He appeared older than he looked. There was a maturity etched in his face. He could see why Brian had a crush on him. He had this James Dean quality.

Justin reached over and gently caressed the picture. Brian caught the gesture and scooted closer to Justin. Pressing his body into Justin’s back.

“He was hot, wasn’t he?” Brian said wistfully into Justin’s ear.

“Yeah, he was Bri.” Justin said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

“You know, if I were around back then, you’d have competition.” Just teased, lightening the moment. Brian laughed.

“Well Sunshine I’m afraid we both would have had plenty of competition.” Brian said.

“The girls loved Andy.” He paused. “And Andy loved the girls.”

Justin turned his head around to look at Brian. His eyes were glazed; no doubt the effect from too much booze and pot. But he was sober. His thinking was clear.

“Andy was straight?” Justin never considered that. Though Brian never admitted to Justin that he had been in love with Andy, Justin knew it. He heard it in Brian’s voice the night Brian told him about Andy, and how he died.

“Oh yes, very.” Brian laughed sarcastically.

Justin cringed at the implications. He knew that Andy’s father made him trick for his sick pals at the precinct. He just couldn’t imagine that Andy was straight. He thought that perhaps the father did it as some sort of sick punishment for finding out Andy was gay. But to do that to your own son, knowing he was straight…God what kind of monster was Emilian.

Brian felt the mood change in Justin. He sat up and lit a cigarette. Justin lifted himself up as well. He held the photo in his hand.

“Tell me about Andy.” Justin said.

Brian looked over at him. “What do you want to know?” He said as he handed the cigarette to Justin.

Justin took a drag from the cigarette. “I’m trying to quit these you know.” He said.

“Yeah, we’ll I’ve been trying to quit you for two years now.” Brian teased.

Justin hit his arm. “I’ve noticed. Lucky for me you have no will power.” He said giving Brian a tired smile.

Brian laughed and leaned in to kiss him as he took the cigarette back. “No, lucky for me.” Brian whispered against Justin’s mouth.

“What was Andy like?” Justin brought the conversation back to Andy.

Brian took a deep drag and looked out into the dark room.

“Andy was my hero. You know, kind of like how Captain Astro is Mikey’s superhero? Only my hero was real life.” Brian reached over and dubbed the cigarette out.

“He was the coolest kid in the neighborhood. He had this really neat trick he could do on his bike.” Brian shook his head at the memory.

“Tell me.” Justin prodded.

“He would ride his bike down the street with no hands, then pop a wheelie once he got his speed up, still no hands mind you, and then all of a sudden he would slam on the breaks. Anyone watching held their breath, waiting for him to flip over. But he’d remain on that one back wheel for a good 5 minutes before he let the front wheel fall to the ground. It was amazing. That stunt made him legendary.” Brian spoke boastfully of Andy’s feat.

Justin smiled. “Ok, that IS cool. Did he teach you how to do it?”

“Oh he tried, I could pop the wheelie with no hands, which was an accomplishment in itself, but when I slammed on the breaks, I always fell. Well, except that one time. I managed to hold the position for a good 30 seconds.”  
Brian looked over at Justin, a prideful look on his face.

“I bet Andy was impressed.” Justin said. He was enjoying this conversation with Brian. Having Brian share his childhood memories with him was an intimacy that was new to their relationship. He cautioned himself though. One step forward, two steps back. Don’t push he reminded himself.

“When did you know you were in love him?” Ok, so much for not pushing Justin thought. But he couldn’t help himself. He needed to know. Brian was still mourning over the loss of Andy. Justin knew for a fact, until he came along, Brian never let anyone in. He rejected love and all it meant to him. The fact that Justin was able to get in under the wire was a miracle in itself. Or maybe not a miracle, but a foreordained conclusion. Confirmed by Andy’s vision.

Brian was silent for a long while. Justin could feel tension thick as molasses in the air. He didn’t dare move. He sat there, waiting for, something. An explosion, a rejection, denial? What, he didn’t know. But he steeled himself for it.

“I knew I was in love with him the year I turned 13.” Brian said quietly into the dark.

Justin let his breath out. It was probably the first time Brian said those words aloud. Justin felt relief. This was good. It was step towards healing. But, as he was rejoicing in the progress Brian was making, he was also feeling some hurt he had to admit. Brian was in love before. Justin always believed that Brian didn’t believe in love because of his parent’s lack of it, for him and for each other. He never thought that Brian was ever in love before. But the truth was, Brian had known love. And because of the pain that love caused him, he was denying himself the love he felt for Justin.

“Before then, I had a crush on him. But hell, most everyone in the neighborhood did, both male and female.” Brian’s words interrupted Justin’s thoughts.

“But when I turned 13, I realized it was more then just a crush. Andy got sick that year, and I.. well…” Brian paused. “I realized I might lose him. I knew then that I was in love with him.” Brian took Justin’s hand into his own, threading their fingers together.

“Is that when you realized you were gay?” Justin asked.

“No, I knew I was gay by then. I had experimented a little earlier on. Believe it or not Sunshine I learned how to French kiss from an older woman.” He smiled over at Justin.

“She was 14, I was 12.” He said. “I wanted to learn how to kiss, and at that age, and in my neighborhood, there was a shortage of young gay boys. So Marianne Deccico became my tutor. And a fine one at that.” Brian acknowledged.

“Well if I ever meet her, please remind me to thank her!” Justin said laughing softly.

“Well I think a lot of practice over the years had more to do with my skill then Marianne’s lessons.. Though she was an enthusiastic teacher.” Brian winked at him.

“I had my first kiss with a boy that same year. I had my sights on this 14-year-old jock that went to our school. He was a grade ahead of me. We were on the same Soccer team. Anyway, I knew he was gay. I was only 12 but I was tall, an accomplished player and good looking.”

“And modest.” Justin added smiling up at Brian.

Brian bumped him with his shoulder. “Just honest.” He said.

“Anyway, I approached him in the school gym locker room one day after everyone had left. He lingered behind, and so did I. I guess we had the same thing in mind.”

Brian put his tongue in cheek and looked over at Justin.

“I came up behind him, he was facing his locker. I put my hands on his shoulder and slowly turned him around. He followed my lead. Just like a deer caught in the headlights. I looked at his mouth, and leaned forward slowly. God I remember thinking at the time, “Your fucking lessons better pay off Decicco!” before I kissed him. He opened his mouth, our tongues touched and in that moment I knew I was gay. Now THAT was hot!” Brian started laughing.

“What?” Justin said, laughing with him.

“Do you know what his name was?” Brian asked.

Justin tilted his head. “Do I want to know?” He asked smiling.

“Justin Balton the 3rd.” Brian burst out laughing. “We called him JB.”

“No fucking way!” Justin said, finding it extremely funny and ironic.

“God I’m so fucking cursed with Justin’s!” Brian pulled Justin over onto him and kissed him hard.

Justin was still laughing into Brian’s mouth as Brian deepened the kiss. When he pulled away, Justin was breathless.

“Should we give Marianne a call and thank her?” He asked teasingly.

“Most definitely!” Justin said, his eyes clouding with passion.

He sat up, climbed over Brian so that he was straddling his lap, facing him.

He held the picture out for Brian to take.

“Did he ever know?” He asked.

Brian took the picture and stared at it. “I told him the night he died.” He said quietly.

He put the picture on the nightstand by the bed and turned to face Justin. He wrapped his arms around his waist and scooted him forward so their cocks were pressing against each other. Justin rested his hands on Brian’s shoulder.

“So that’s good, right?” Justin asked cautiously.

Brian smiled. “Yes, it was good. No regrets.” He said.

“I’m glad.” Justin replied.

Brian rotated his hips up against Justin. A seductive smile playing on his lips. Justin slanted his eyes and pulled back a bit.

He was not just going to fuck Brian now. Not after the way he closed him out earlier. It was good they were talking, but Justin knew Brian’s M.O. Talk followed by fucking, followed by rejection.

“No fucking tonight Brian.” Justin stated firmly.

Brian looked at him as if he lost his mind. Which Justin thought he just might have. Justin rarely turned down sex with Brian.

Brian was not one to be put off though. He reached down between Justin’s legs and started massaging his cock. Justin moaned and leaned into him. His mouth was inches from Brian’s, so close…

“No.” He said, and shook himself from the haze he was feeling. He placed his hands on Brian’s shoulders and pushed himself back.

Brian sighed heavily. “You’re pissed about earlier?” He confirmed, more than asked.

“Yes. I’m fucking pissed!” Justin yelled.

Brian braced himself. He knew this was coming. Fuck. Didn’t Justin realize he was dealing with too much shit right now? Ok, so he was a little distant after last night. It was just that he had a lot to process. Why the fuck did the kid never give him any slack! Brian’s anger was starting to rise. For fuck sake he told him he loved him! Did he think he lied? Or maybe he just thought that after that little confession they would ride off into the sunset like two fucking lesbians straight off a harlequin romance cover!

Brian pushed Justin off him, none to gently either. Justin scrambled up on the bed ready for battle.

Brian stood up and started to undress. He pulled off his shirt and turned to Justin, arms wide.

“What the fuck do you want from me!” He screamed at him

Justin glared at him. “I don’t want you to say things you don’t mean.” He said between gritted teeth.

Brian put his hands on the bed and leaned towards Justin. “I NEVER say things I don’t mean!” He retorted. God the nerve of him! He never lied to Justin before. Never made promises he couldn’t keep. How DARE he question him?

“Really?” Justin said sarcastically. “So you really did want me to go out tonight and fuck a lot of guys?”

Brian straightened up so quickly he almost lost his balance. He didn’t expect that. This wasn’t about him telling Justin he loved him. Apparently Justin accepted that. It was about his comment to him before he left Rena’s earlier.

Shit! Brian thought. He did tell him to fuck a lot of hot guys. What he was trying to tell him was that it was all right if he did, Brian didn’t want his confession of love stop Justin from having a good time. But this was Justin. Of course Justin would take it to mean he was being rejected. Fuck! Justin didn’t fuck indiscriminately, Brian did. Justin would trick with him, but Justin didn’t trick on his own when he and Brian where together. If Brian looked deeper, he would admit to himself that there was a part of him that was being spiteful when he made that comment. Telling Justin he loved him left him vulnerable. Brian did NOT do vulnerability well. In the back of his mind, he knew that comment would hurt Justin.

Justin was kneeling on the bed glaring at him. Brian couldn’t blame him.

“Well, did you?” Was the only thing Brian could think of saying.

“I got a blow job in the back room, are you happy?” Justin sneered.

Brian sighed. “No.” He simply said.

That diffused Justin. He got off the bed and walked towards Brian.

“Then don’t ask me to do that again, ok?” He said.

Brian smiled. “I promise.” He said.

Justin nodded his head. “Good. But I’m still not going to let you fuck me tonight.” He said.

Brian raised his hands in defeat. “As you wish.” He said.

Then he leaned in and whispered in Justin’s ear. “But will you fuck me?” He asked.

Justin’s knees went weak. Brian had to physically hold him up. He smiled to himself. He picked Justin up and laid him back on the bed.

He leaned over him and kissed him deeply. Justin lifted his arms and wrapped them around his neck, bringing him down fully on top of him.

Brian lifted his head and looked into Justin’s eyes. All the love, passion and need shone in them. “I need you inside me.” He told Justin.

Justin cried out and pulled Brian down for another soul rending kiss.

They undressed each other, slowly. Savoring each moment. Justin had only topped Brian once before. He knew how special this was for both of them.

Once they were naked, Justin took his time in worshiping his lovers’ body with his hands, mouth and body. He left no part of Brian unattended. He loved him with the entirety of his being.

First he brought him to orgasm with his mouth. Licking and sucking his cock until Brian spilled his seed down his throat. Then Justin took his time in inflaming Brian’s passion again. He used his hands, tongue, body, and words to bring Brian back to the edge. And he did. Just when Brian couldn’t’ take it any more, Justin reached over to the nightstand and grabbed a condom and some lube.

Though Brian was thoroughly wet from Justin’s mouth, he didn’t want to hurt him. Brian was not use to bottoming. Justin spread the lube over Brian and inserted one finger. He gently massaged, and spread Brian open for him.

Brian moaned and pushed back against him. Justin leaned over and whispered words of love into Brian’s ear.

He then slipped another finger in, making sure to properly ready Brian for his cock. Brian hissed. He ran his tongue down Brian’s spine, making small circles on the small of his back.

Justin then raised himself up and positioned his cock at Brian’s entrance. He placed his hand next to Brian’s and their fingers entwined.

“Now.” Brian commanded.

Justin accommodated him. He entered Brian slowly. Stretching him inch-by-inch, giving him time to adjust. Brian raised his hips up to meet Justin.

“Now!” He demanded.

Justin thrust forward and embedded himself deep in Brian. Brian tightened his hold on Justin’s hand. Justin leaned forward and kissed the back of Brian’s neck.

He started moving in and out, creating a rhythm for them. Brian met him thrust for thrust.

Justin took his free hand and grabbed Brian’s cock and started stroking in tempo with his thrusts.

“Arrghh…” Brian moaned deeply. He turned his head and Justin met his mouth eagerly. Kissing him with an urgency that bespoke his own passion.

Brian was getting close, Justin could feel it. He didn’t want to cum before Brian but oh God, he was so hot! Fucking Brian was like dieing and going to heaven.  
He couldn’t cum now, no dear God not now!

“Brian…..” He croaked out his need. Brian heard it, he felt Justin’s cock throb inside of him.

“Justin..wait…don’t cum yet.” He ordered.

He stilled and shifted a bit so that Justin’s cock was hitting his prostate.

“There, now Justin.” He ordered.

Justin did as he was told and fucked him in this new position. Massaging his prostate with each stroke.

“Yes..” Brian moaned. “Yes, that’s it, harder!”

Justin started fucking Brian harder, desperately trying to hold back his own orgasm. He kissed, stroked and fucked Brian until he couldn’t hold on any longer. His orgasm ripped through him.

“Fuck… Brian!” He screamed but the feel of Justin’s cock throbbing his orgasm into Brian’s ass was enough to send Brian over the edge with him.

Together they rode the wave of ecstasy. Justin collapsed on top of Brian. His cock heavy inside of him.

Brian lay there, completely sated. Completely happy he realized. The feel of Justin on his back, sprawled, sweaty and spent was a feeling he would never tire of.

Eventually their breathing calmed, and their hearts stopped racing. Justin didn’t want to leave Brian’s body and Brian was in no hurry to let him go.

Minutes passed, neither moved, nor spoke. Justin turned his head and kissed Brian’s back. Slowly, he slipped out of Brian.

Brian exhaled at the loss. Justin moved off Brian, removed his condom and discarded it. He slipped under the covers and threw his arm around Brian’s naked back. Brian had yet to move. Justin lay there for a while. Convinced that Brian had fallen asleep. He closed his eyes and started to drift off.

“Better than a blow job.” Justin heard Brian say right before sleep claimed him.


	17. Grief In My Soul

WARNING: This may be a little intense. Violence, rape.

"Got a cold chain. I got rain fallin' on my head from above. I got a bad pain. I got a gal don't know the meaning of love. I got ten thousand troubles, a million woes. I got grief in my soul nobody knows. "

~ Tim Buckley – Grief in my soul

“I swear to God Justin I’m going to kill you if you don’t shut the fuck up!” Brian groaned and buried his head under the pillow.

Justin woke up just a few minutes ago to the buzzing of Brian’s cell phone. He tried to answer it quickly before it woke Brian, without success. His next mistake was trying to talk to Ted while he was still lying in bed with Brian. He decided his best chance for survival was to leave the immediate vicinity.

Justin took the phone into the bathroom. “Sorry Ted, his highness is suffering from a bit of a hang over this morning.” He said groggily.

“Didn’t mean to wake you guys.” Ted said. “How are you doing?” He asked with concern heavy in his voice.

Ted and Justin had become friends since Ted’s battle with addiction. Ted had changed a lot during recovery and therapy. He had a new found wisdom that he sometimes shared with Justin. Justin was happy to have Ted’s council on more then one occasion.

He also knew that Brian and Ted had developed a bond of sorts. Ted helped Brian launch Kinnetik. Brian often remarked how Ted’s obsessive attention to detail was dreadfully annoying, but equally invaluable. Ted genuinely cared for Brian’s interest, both in business and on a personal level.

“I’m fine Ted, actually, better than fine.” Justin said sure that Ted could hear the smile in his voice.

Ted laughed. “I bet you are!” He teased. “So I assume the reunion was a good one?” He asked.

“Which reunion are you talking about?” Justin replied.

“Let’s start with you and Brian.” Ted stated the obvious.

“Our reunion was inevitable Ted.” Justin stated.

“Yeah, you’re probably right. You two truly are meant for each other Justin. You don’t know how lucky you are.” Ted said wistfully.

Justin heard the ache in Ted’s voice. “Ted, you know you’ll find someone one day. God, don’t wish for a relationship like Brian’s and mine! You’re not that masochistic.” He laughed into the phone.

Ted laughed. “Hey, I wouldn’t mind a little S&amp;M! I’m still hip you know.”

“What’s that about your hip Ted? Oh, I hope it’s not acting up again.” Justin teased.

“Bitch.” Ted laughed. “Seriously, how did the “big” reunion go with Brian and his sister?” Ted asked eagerly.

Justin sighed. He should have guessed Mikey or Deb, probably both, couldn’t wait to spread the news about Brian’s “long lost sister”. Justin didn’t know whether or not Brian told Lindsey before they left, but he did know he didn’t want any of the gang to know. Oh well, cat’s out of the bag now.

“It went great Ted. It was very emotional.” Justin recalled.

“Emotional? Brian?” Ted asked with mock surprise. “We are talking about Brian “I don’t do lesbianic emotion” Kinney, aren’t we?”

Justin laughed. “The one and only.” Justin knew Ted understood Brian better these days. And better than most.

“Actually, it went very well Ted. They spent most of the night celebrating and catching up.” And the rest of the night Brian and he had their own celebration. Justin’s body twitched at the memory. He was still floating on air over the experience.

“Well I just called to see how you guys were. Mikey’s really worried. Brian hasn’t called him. We’ve all been badgering him for details on Brian’s “secret” family.” Ted confessed.

Justin frowned. He didn’t know how much Michael knew, but he was sure it was enough that Brian wouldn’t appreciate being broadcasted to his friends.

“What’s he saying?” Justin cautiously asked.

“Just that Brian had grown up with another family in New York, and had one remaining sister left. The rest of the family passed on. Emmett is all a flutter with the “romance” of the whole situation. Brian finding his long lost sister after all these years.” Ted dramatically sighed into the phone.

“He’s planning this big “The Color Purple” theme welcome home party for them. Deb of course, is shamefully encouraging him on.” Ted reported.

Justin groaned. He was sure Brian wasn’t going to appreciate their efforts. He’ll have to warn him, and make sure he behaves. Great Taylor, set yourself up for failure why don’t you? He chided himself.

“Ted, PLEASE make sure Emmett doesn’t go overboard, you know how Brian hates attention.” Justin said.

“That attention whore!” Ted laughed incredulously.

Justin had to laugh at that as well. “Well CERTAIN attention he does crave, but all that emotional stuff you know he hates.” Justin amended.

“Don’t worry Jus, I’ll reign Emmett in.” Ted assured him.

“Thanks. Oh, by the way. Rena will be bringing her assistant and her body guard with her back to the Pitts.” Justin informed Ted.

“A body guard? Why does she need a body guard?” He asked.

Justin wondered the same thing himself. “I really haven’t had much time to talk to her Ted. She and Brian have been busy reconnecting. I’ve been hanging with the assistant. Now SHE is interesting.” Justin told Ted.

“Oh? How so? Ted’s interest was piqued.

“Well think Hillary Swank in “Boys Don’t Cry.” Only with a face like a very young Judy Garland.” Justin said.

“A transsexual?” Ted asked.

“Looks like one, but who the fuck knows? She’s a girl, pretending to be a boy, pretending to be gay.” Justin tried to explain

“Ah, like Victor, Victoria.” Ted surmised.

“More like Ripley from Alien crossed with Dondi the old comic strip.” Justin explained.

“Hey, you’re too young to remember Dondi!” Ted admonished.

Justin laughed. “Youth is no excuse for not knowing the classics! That little orphan boy is legendary! I’m actually doing a paper on him in school. My graphic art class assignment is on the social impact of newspaper comic strips. I chose Dondi.”

“Most kids would choose Doonsbury. But not our Justin.” Ted was impressed.

“Come to think of it, Shane looks more like Dondi.” Justin mused.

“Shane?”

“That’s the assistants name. James is the bodyguard’s name. He’s definitely out of some Bond movie.” Justin announced.

“Ok, you definitely have been hanging out with Emmett too much.” Ted scolded.

“I know. Brian says so too. He’s got me hooked on all those old movies.” Justin admitted.

“Emmett is going to LOVE Rena! She looks like she walked out of one of those movies! She’s very “Hollywood”. First time I saw her I thought she was very glamorous. Everything from her hair, to her make-up, to her cloths screams Diva. Even when she’s in her sweats, she’s got the nails and hair done up.”

Justin remembered how Rena looked last night before he and Shane left. She truly was a glamour queen. Not a classic beauty, but she knew how to put it together.

“Well, we are all excited. Please tell Brian not to worry about work. I nailed the Sparkle account.” Ted boasted.

“I’ll make sure and tell him Ted. He’ll be happy.” Justin said.

“See you next week then?” Ted asked.

“Looks that way.” Justin said.

“Well then, have fun in New York, do some shopping, take in the museums. Might as well drink some of that culture in. I’ll talk to you next week.” Ted said.

“I’ll do that. Tell the gang we said hi.” Justin ended the conversation.

He closed the phone and walked out of the bathroom. Brian was lying on his stomach, the pillow still over his head. He walked over to the bed and gently kissed his forehead.

Brian groaned. “I’m dying.” He said.

Justin laughed softly. “You’re not dying Bri. You’ve just drunk and smoked yourself straight last night. You know how you suffer the next day when you do that.” Justin whispered to his lover.

Brian snorted into his pillow. “Bullshit. I can out drink and out drug anyone, any day of the week.” He peaked up at Justin. “You on the other hand, have managed to do me in.” He quipped.

Justin laughed. “I doubt that. You can also out fuck anyone I know.” Justin whispered low in his ear.

Brian groaned, only this time not from pain.

“Do you need some pain management dear?” Justin taunted.

Brian peaked up at him again from underneath the pillow. “Dear?” He asked indignantly.

“One fucking time I bottom for you and I’m now the wife?” Brian almost sounded serious.

Justin laughed. “2 times.” He reminded Brian. “And I bottom for you all the time. Does that make me the wife?” He asked with the same level of seriousness.

“I don’t call you “Dear” afterwards.” Brian declared haughtily.

“True.” Justin conceded. “Ok, I take it back.” He sat on the edge of the bed.

“So, do you need some pain management stud?”

Brian pulled the pillow off his head and hit Justin with it. Justin flinched and laughed.

“Ok, ok, I quit! No more teasing.” Justin was having a good time tormenting Brian.

“Actually, you can help me. Get me some fucking aspirin.” Brian said.

Justin got up and started getting dressed. “I’m sure they have some in the hotel lobby. I’ll go get you some.”

“No, don’t get me any over the counter watered down shit. Go up to Rena’s. She a fucking doctor, I’m sure she has a medicine cabinet of top grade pain killers.” Brian suggested.

Justin finished dressing and went over and kissed Brian’s cheek.

“Ok, I’ll be back in a few. Try not to kill the house keeper if she walks in.” He said as he walked out of the room. He heard Brian curse on the other side of the door.

It was about 11:00 am. The hotel was quiet. He passed some cleaning people on the way to the elevator. He got in and went up to Rena’s suite.

He stepped off the elevator and headed towards Rena’s suite. When he got to the door he saw it was more then slightly ajar.

He pushed it open a bit. “Hello?” He called out. No answer.

He walked in the foyer. He called out again. “Hello?” This time a little louder. Still no answer.

He walked into the living room. There were bottles of beer, beam, and overflowing ashtrays’ lying about. He marveled at the amount of empty bottles there was. Well, there was a family connection here he thought. There was no way Brian consumed all of that. Rena had a healthy appetite for partying as well. He cringed to think of the bad influences they would be on each other.

“WHACK!” Justin’s head snapped around to the direction of the sound. It was coming from one of the bedrooms.

‘WHACK!” It came again. Justin’s heart started beating fast. It sounded like someone was getting hit with something. Without thought, Justin rushed towards the offending sound.

He opened the door to the bedroom where the sound was coming from. Empty.

‘WHACK!” He looked to the other side of the bedroom to where a door to what he assumed was the Master Bath was. The door was slightly open, he could see a light turned on inside.

“DOMINA! “ He heard James’s voice, frantic. Justin ran to the door and froze at the sight before him.

There, in the bathroom, James stood over Rena who was lying naked in the big garden tub. He had what looked like a riding crop in his hands. It was lying by his thigh at the moment. Justin’s eyes scanned over to Rena. She wasn’t moving. She was lying on her side, her head resting on the edge of the tub, her body curled almost as if in a fetal position. His eyes traveled to her thigh, which sported two very deep red welts from the crop.

James screamed again. “DOMINA, SNAP OUT OF IT NOW!” He raised his arm to strike her again with the crop, oblivious to anyone else being in the room.

“NOOOOO!” Justin screamed and ran over to grab James’s hand to stop him from striking her again.

James looked at Justin, confusion in his eyes. Justin glared at James. “STOP HITTING HER!” He screamed as he held on to James’s raised arm.

Shane bolted in the door at that instant. A bucket of ice in her hands.

“Justin, what the fuck are you doing here!” She screeched in a panicked voice.

Justin didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but he didn’t like it.

James came to his senses. “Go away!” He yelled at Justin as he jerked his arm from Justin’s grip. “We will take care of her.” James motioned to Shane.

Shane went over to the tub and dumped the ice water in. Justin gasped.

“How fucked up did she get last night?” He asked.

Both Shane and James looked at him, in confusion.

“Justin, this is not about booze, or drugs. This hasn’t happen in 6 years.” Shane started to explain.

“SHUT UP!” James yelled at her. “It is NOT his business!”

“Well what do you think is going to happen when he goes and tells Brian what he saw?” Shane challenged James.

James gave Justin a menacing look. “You will not tell anyone of this. Understand?” He threatened.

Justin stepped back in fear, and shock. This man was actually threatening him! Justin got angry. Here goes that reckless streak in him again, he thought. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew James was NOT a man to challenge. He was dangerous. But this was Brian’s sister. He was not going to let James or anyone hurt her.

“I’ll do what I think is best for Brian’s sister.” He said through gritted teeth, fire burning from his eyes.

James took a step towards him. Shane jumped in front of Justin.

“James, Brian will find out. Face that. You cannot stop Justin from telling him. Maybe it’s time someone knew besides us.” She tried to reason with him.

“James…” Rena’s weak voice came from the tub. James immediately turned from Justin and bent down to lift Rena’s head from the side of the tub. Justin witnessed the extreme care in which James handled Rena. Deep worry was etched into his face. It was very confusing. One minute he was beating her with a crop, and the next he was sick with fear and worry over her.  
Justin didn’t know what to think.

“Rena, are you back with us?” He asked tenderly. Shane went over and kneeled down by the tub along side of James. “Rena, talk to us.” She said.

“What happened?” She croaked out.

“Domina, I’m sorry. It happened again.” James said with such remorse and sadness in his voice Justin’s heart ached. He had no idea what was happening, but he knew it was bad.

“No…” Rena cried. “Please God no…not again.”

“Shhh…. Domina, it will be fine. I will take care of you. Haven’t I always?” James said soothingly.

Shane got up and grabbed a towel. James lifted her from the tub and Shane draped the towel over her. Justin moved out of the way as they passed him to bring her into the bedroom. James laid her gently on the bed.

“Brian?” Rena asked, fear in her voice.

“No. He is not here, he didn’t see a think.” James reassured her.

“Justin is here Rena.” Shane blurted out. James gave her a look that sent shivers up Justin’s spine and the look wasn’t’ even directed at him.

Rena cried out in denial. “NO!”

“Rena.” Justin found his voice. “I’m here. Tell me how to help you?”

Justin didn’t know what to say to her. She was hurting, that was obvious. She had some sort of episode he realized, not knowing exactly what kind, but knowing that she didn’t want anyone to know about it. He sensed her shame over it. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t hold something like this back from Brian. He just didn’t know what to do.

Rena seemed to be coming around more. She looked at James.

“Go, leave me alone with Justin.” She said.

“Domina, I don’t think that is a good idea.” He dismissed.

“Go, listen to me James. Go. Shane, you to, go.” Rena said more firmly.

James looked over at Justin, then over at Shane.

“I’ll be right outside the door Domina. No harm will come to you.” He said.

He grabbed Shane by the arm and dragged her to the door. Before he stepped out of the room, he turned to Justin. “Do not hurt her.” He ordered.

Justin just nodded his head. It was obvious this man cared deeply for Rena. His threats, his ominous appearance, were all manufactured to protect his “Domina”.

Justin turned back to Rena and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Do you want another pillow? Or a blanket?” He asked her, not knowing what to do or say. She laid on the bed with just the towel draped over her.

She smiled at him. “I could use a blanket over me.” She asked.

Justin got up and grabbed the extra blanket that was folded on the end of the bed and covered Rena with it. He gently smoothed it around her body, bringing it up to under her neck. He then fluffed the pillow under her head. Tending to her was keeping his mind off the million of questions he had.

She stilled his movements by placing her hand on his arm. He stopped and looked down at her.

“Sit.” She patted he bed. Justin sat on the edge of the bed and held her hand.  
He waited for her to speak.

“Do you love him?” She asked.

Justin was taken back by the question. What did that have to do with what just happened?

He starred into her eyes, looking for answers. He saw none.

“More than you can ever imagine.” He said in simple honesty.

She smiled. “I am sure you are right. I’ve never been in love, so I can’t imagine.” She confessed.

She squeezed his hand.

“If you love him as you say you do, you may not want to tell him what just happened.” She said.

Justin was truly puzzled. “I don’t understand.” He said. “I will not lie to the man I love. Especially about something like this.”

Rena nodded her head in understanding.

“I will not tell you not to tell Brian. Whatever decision you make, I will respect. But, I want to tell about what just happened, so you know fully, what you are going to tell Brian.” She said.

All Justin wanted to do at the moment was run and get Brian. He had a sick feeling he didn’t want to know any of this. He needed Brian’s council. This was “his” sister after all! But Rena looked so scared, so vulnerable. He would stay and listen. It was the least he could do.

She saw his acceptance in his face and began speaking.

“I’m sure you know of what happened to Andy.” She said as matter of fact. Justin nodded.

“Did Brian tell you about the night he died?” She asked cautiously.

“He told me he was with Andy the night he died.” He said.

She nodded.

“Did he tell you about Emilian?” She asked

“Yes.” Justin said with such venom in his voice that Rena knew Justin understood how evil Emilian truly was.

“The night Andy died, he made Brian promise him to take care of me.” She paused. Justin listened intently.

“Of course Brian promised. He swore he would protect me with his life. Brian never makes promises he doesn’t intend to keep.” She said smiling.

Justin acknowledged the truth of her words. “No, he doesn’t.” He said.

She continued. “And he did EVERYTHING, in his power to protect me. I swear to God he did Justin!” She said desperate for Justin to believe her.

Justin held her hand tight. “I know Brian would do everything in his power to protect you Rena.” He had a sick feeling in his stomach.

“You don’t understand Justin. It was a promise he made to Andy on his DEATH bed! Do you understand that?”

She pulled him closer to her. Justin understood what she was saying. A deathbed promise had to be kept. Especially if that promise came from Brian and was made to the boy he loved, to the boy he sold his body for to keep from feeling pain. Justin’s stomach clenched.

Rena continued. “When Andy died, Brian’s parents took him away to Pittsburgh. Before he left he told me he was coming back for me. He TOLD me to stay away from Emilian. He said that Emilian was not stupid. He heard the rumors. He would behave for a little while at least, so I was to stay away from him. And if he were to come after me, I should run. I knew how to get away from him. Brian was right. Emilian would have never come after me on his own.” She stopped. Her eyes filled with tears, pain and guilt. Justin saw it all.

“Rena.” He said softly. “What happened?” He asked, not sure if he wanted to know. Actually, he DIDN’T want to know, but he had to know now.

“Emilian was staying away from me. But I was so angry! What he did to Andy, oh God Justin, you have no idea. It was horrid. It was evil.” She looked away.

When she spoke again it was to no one. She was speaking to a past memory.

“One night he was drunk, on the couch. I snuck out of my room. Looking for him. I hated him so much. Those last few months, watching Andy die, watching Brian sell his soul to make Andy’s death less painful, and that animal, that evil man, got away with it. I wanted to kill him. Dear God forgive me, but I wanted him to suffer, to die, like he killed Andy. All the people I ever loved in my life were gone. My mother and Andy, dead, Brian taken away. I had nothing left but my anger. I wasn’t thinking right.”

Tears were falling from her eyes. Justin knew she was somewhere else, reliving a memory.

“His night stick was laying on the coffee table. I walked around, bold as can be, in front of him. He was half asleep on the couch. I picked up the nightstick. I felt like I was out of my own body. I raised that stick up, I wanted to beat him to death with it, I swear I did. I swung down hard, catching him on the shoulder. He screamed and shot up. He grabbed me…he….” She stammered.

“He grabbed me and threw me on the couch. He took his belt off and beat me. God I don’t know how long he beat me, but I do remember after awhile I was numb to it. Then he,.. he tore my night dress off and…. raped me.”

She paused again. Justin gasped out loud. He pulled her hand up to his chest; tears were falling from his eyes.

“Oh no, Rena….” He choked out. But she did not hear him. She was still in that “place”, that “time.”

“I remember thinking, “good, I deserve this, Andy didn’t deserve it.” She shook her head, trying to free herself from the memory.

Justin held on to her hand, he rubbed her arm soothingly as she spoke.

“After he raped me, he took the night stick, and raped me again, using the stick this time.” She said nonchalantly Justin felt like throwing up.

“I passed out. The next thing I remembered was waking up in my bed. There was a doctor there. There was so much blood. Blood everywhere.” Rena closed her eyes for a moment as if to rid herself of the sight of the blood.

When she continued she seemed calmer, more in control.

“He told me I had some damage to my insides. They had to pack me, or something like that. I was supposed to be checked again in a week.  
But Brian came for me by then. I never told him about it. Years later, I had trouble and had to have surgery to fix the scars that were left from the botch job that doctor did. They told me I could never have kids.” Rena said that last part as if were inconsequential. Just par for the course.

Justin was shaking. Dear God what had this family endured? And why?! 3 beautiful young children, all touched by such evil. He was no stranger to violence. What Chris Hobbs did to him was violent, and evil. But this, this was beyond anything he could imagine.

Rena turned and looked at him. She was back from the memory.

“Do you understand why I never told Brian?” She asked.

Justin nodded his head. Oh yes, he understood. Brian would have blamed himself. Justin knew that if Brian knew what happened, that he had failed Rena, failed to keep his promise to Andy, he would have either drank himself to death, or O.D.’d once Rena was safe with Viv. He wouldn’t have wanted to live. Brian couldn’t live with that kind of guilt, not at such a young age. Not so soon after Andy’s death. God who could?

“When I came to live with Viv I had my first seizure. Viv was on her honeymoon. James was with me. I don’t remember them; James tells me that I go into a comatose state. Sometimes they would last a few hours, once they lasted for two days. I made James swear to not tell anyone. Actually I blackmailed James.” Rena smiled.

Justin forced a weak smile to his lips. “How did you do that?” He asked.

“I told him if he told anyone I would tell Viv that he was making it up because he was trying to molest me.” Rena laughed.

“Rena!” Justin scolded, but he couldn’t help laughing.

“You are so bad!” He said.

“Yeah, well that’s how desperate I was to keep it a secret. I knew, even at that young age the seizures where prompted by traumatic events. When I was taken from Brian, I started having the seizures. That’s when I came up with the idea for Tom to be courier so I could keep in touch with Brian, the seizures went away.”

Rena looked earnestly at Justin. “If it ever came out that I’ve been having these seizures, I’ll have a lot to answer for. I’ve never even told Aunt Viv. And Brian would not only be hurt, but angry and relentless in finding out the root of the problem. You know him, he tries to fix everything.”

Justin acknowledged the truth of her words.

“Fuck Justin, I thought I was over them. I spent years studying Human Behavioral Genetics trying to find a diagnostic and a cure for my seizures, just in case they came back. All I found was what triggered them. But it didn’t matter; I didn’t have another one for almost 10 years.

Then I made that stupid promise to Viv. I stopped corresponding with Brian, and shortly after, I had another seizure. That was 6 years ago. Shane had witnessed that last one. Of course I blackmailed her into keeping my secret as well.” She smiled again at Justin and winked.

The gesture reminded him of the impish girl he saw in the photo. If she could just reconnect with that little girl, the one before all the evil that happened, Justin believed she could find a way to heal herself.

“That last seizure I had lasted almost 2 days. Short of taking me to the hospital, James had to find a way to bring me out of it. You witness his method in the bathroom just now.” Rena said solemnly.

“Jesus Rena, the man was whipping you with a riding crop!” Justin said.

“And I’m glad he did. He was trying to bring me out of it before Brian saw me like that. He did the right thing. It worked” Rena assured Justin.

Justin could understand why Rena felt that way, but there had to be a better solution.

Rena sighed. “I haven’t had another seizure since. 6 years. No seizures. Then…well, I guess I had another one.” Rena confessed sadly.

“Do you think seeing Brian again brought it on?” Justin asked.

Rena thought for a second. “No, I don’t think so. Having that connection to Bean has always grounded me. My seizures stopped when I was in touch with him. Being separated from the only living relative I have, has been what set them off in the past.” She said.

Justin caught that Rena was back to calling Brian, “Bean”. That was a good sign. She was coming around. He noticed she only used Brian’s name when she was being very serious. Bean was the name she used most often.

“Rena, what are you going to do? You can’t go on like this. I understand you not wanting Brian to know, but have you sought any kind of professional help?” He asked.

“No. Why should I? I haven’t had one in 6 years Justin. I thought they were gone for good.” She explained

“Well you were wrong. Rena, you have to seek help.” Justin said with finality.

Rena looked at him with a frown. Justin pushed on.

“Did Brian tell you about what happened to me?” He asked

Rena shook her head no. They talked about a lot of things last night, but Brian was very protective of Justin. He didn’t talk much about their relationship, and Rena didn’t pressure him.

“2 years ago I was bashed. Some homophobic prick took a bat to my head. I was in a comma for a while, and when I came to, I had permanent brain damage. I have these mini seizures. When I overwork my hand, or I’m over stressed. My brain doesn’t send the right signal to my hand. I’ve been to therapy, and I’ve learned to deal with it. I’m not saying I know what causes your seizures Rena, but I do know for a fact that one, you are having them again, and two you have to learn what is causing them or at the very least, learn how to deal with them, because being whipped with a riding crop is NOT an option!” Justin lectured Rena.

“When he comes Rena, listen to him. Don’t be stubborn, promise me.”

Andy’s words crept into Rena’s head. Here is this boy, telling her what she must do. And Andy is in her head, telling her to listen to him. She couldn’t believe this young man, who was so full of life, and optimism, was the victim of such a brutal hate crime. She would have never guessed, and Rena was trained to recognize trauma in people’s lives. Justin had maintained an innocence, a naivety and a belief in all that is good in life, that should have abandoned him once that bat hit his head. He was truly an amazing human being. She was starting to understand why her brother was so in love with him.

Rena sat up in bed. “What if I don’t listen to you?” She asked.

“Well, Rena, then you leave ME no choice.” Justin said smiling.

“Are you blackmailing me?!” She said incredulously. Admiration shining in her eyes.

“Yip.” Justin said. “If you don’t, I’m going to tell your Aunt Viv.”

Rena looked at him puzzled. She was sure he was talking about telling Brian.

“Aunt Viv?” She asked confused. “So you’re not going to tell Bean?”

“That depends.” Justin said.

“On what?” Rena asked cautiously.

“On whether or not you tell him. Because Rena, I won’t lie to Brian. I have to tell him. But I will give you the opportunity to tell him first.” Justin said.

Rena sighed deeply. “Justin. How do you think he will react?” She asked gravely.

“I don’t know Rena, I honestly don’t know. But I do know this. It’s “his” choice. I have faith in him. He is a different man now. He is not a hurt and angry 15-year-old boy anymore. He will have to realize what happened wasn’t his fault. And doing anything stupid…” Justin paused and swallowed hard. He couldn’t even think that.

“Is not an option for him. He has a son. And he has you back in his life, he left you once, he won’t leave you again. Rena, it is up to YOU, to make him understand it wasn’t his fault.” He pressed to her.

“Do you think I would do less?” She asked him stunned.

“No. But Rena, you have to first tell yourself, that it wasn’t your fault.” Justin knew that would be the hardest part for Rena.

Rena looked at him with new insight. He possessed a wisdom most men never gained in their life. He was an old soul she surmised; else Andy would not have seen him so far in the future.

“Are you going to tell him Rena, or am I?” Justin demanded. He wasn’t leaving her bedroom with out an answer.

She was about to answer when the door to the bedroom opened.

“What the fuck is taking you so long Sunshine?” Brian said as he stood in the doorway.

“Rena do you have any pain killers, I’ve got a bitch of a head ache.”


	18. Saving Rena

"I won’t let you downI will not give you upGotta have some faith in the soundIt’s the one thing that I’ve gotI won’t let you downSo please don’t give me upBecause I would really, really love to stick around."

 

~ George Michael – Freedom

Brian roused himself from his aching slumber. He must have fallen back asleep right after Justin left. He gingerly raised his head and looked at the clock. It was just past noon.

He looked around the room. Justin wasn’t back yet. How long was he out? Something was wrong, Brian could feel it. He threw the blanket back and flung his legs over the side of the bed. The sudden movement caused his head to spin. He groaned out loud to the empty room. His head was splitting.

Where the fuck was Justin? He got up and pulled on his black jeans and slipped his favorite wife beater over his head. He shoved his feet into his black Gucci loafers and headed out the door to Rena’s.

Rena probably kept Justin hostage with her interrogations. Brian didn’t tell her much about him last night. She was chopping at the bit to know more about the boy in Andy’s drawing, and in Brian’s life. He cringed at all the questions his blonde must be fielding. She knew that he had deep feelings for Justin, and naturally she wanted to get to know him better. Brian wasn’t worried though, Justin could hold his own. Besides, he knew Justin had a lot of questions for Rena as well.

Rena was back in Brian’s life now, which meant she would be in Justin’s life as well. Just as Gus would always be in Justin’s life. His little family, he smiled to himself. It was a good feeling. Almost too good he worried. It seemed when he was the happiest, that’s when things went terribly wrong. He was cursed that way. He fell in love with Andy, and Andy died. He fell in love with Justin, and Justin got bashed. He loved Rena and she was taken away from him. Thank God the munchers were raising Gus. Else he worried something terrible would happen to him as well. No, he didn’t trust happiness.

Brian reached the door to Rena’s suite. He knocked. Shane answered the door looking very nervous.

“Where’s Justin?” He asked, foregoing pleasantries.

“Um, I...he,” Shane stuttered.

Brian looked at her as if she were a simpleton. “I see gender confusion isn’t your only problem area. Having a hard time choosing the right pronoun as well?” Brian said. Even hung over his sarcasm was sharp.

James came up behind Shane. “Mr. Kinney, Justin is in the bedroom with Rena talking.” He said.

Brian looked at James realizing that it was the most he had spoken to him since he had arrived. He knew all about James. Rena mentioned him often in her letters. She trusted, and relied on James. There was a special friendship between the two. As if that wasn’t enough for Brian to respect James’s position in Rena’s life, the fact that he was there for her for the past 17 years, protecting her, was more than enough to gain Brian’s respect, and gratitude.

“Thanks James, and please, it’s Brian. I’m not that fucking old.” Brian smiled at James. “You don’t have to be so formal with me.” He reached out and grabbed James’s forearm and squeezed gently before letting go. A gesture of friendship. James smiled and nodded his acceptance.

“Though you might want to speak softly to Rainman over here, she’s either been over medicated, or not medicated enough.” He shot at look at Shane who was still holding the door open, confusion on her face.

That got her attention. She snorted in a very unlady like manner and slammed the door shut. Brian had to move forward to avoid being clipped by it. He gave her a derisive smile. She stormed off.

“I’ll tell them you are here.” James turned and headed toward the bedroom.

“Don’t bother, I’ll handle this. She’s probably got him tied up and is torturing him for information.” He sighed heavily. “I thought knights in shinning armor were supposed to save others, and not need saving themselves.” He mumbled to himself as he walked to the bedroom.

He opened the door and was greeting by a very touching, if not unsettling, scene. Rena was lying in bed, a light blanket covering her. Justin was sitting on the side of the bed, clasping Rena’s hand with his own, while he massaged her arm with his other hand. Ok, he thought, I’m sure there is a story here. But right now he need some fucking painkillers!

“Rena do you have any pain killers, I’ve got a bitch of a head ache.”

Rena jerked up in bed when she heard Brian. Her sudden movement caused the blanket, and towel beneath it, to fall from her body, exposing her bare breast. Justin reached over quickly to pull the blanket back up to cover her.

Brian raised an eyebrow at them. He shook his head. Get a grip Kinney; this could NOT be what it looks like!

He walked over to the bed and plopped down on the other side of Rena. He looked at the both of them, guilt was clearly written on their faces.

“Dear God Rena PLEASE tell me you didn’t seduce the boy.” He said in an overly indulgent voice.

Justin glared at him and made a disapproving sound. “That’s not funny Brian.” He said.

Rena was beet red.

Brian looked at him and put his tongue in his cheek.

“Ok Sunshine, so explain to me why you are alone with my naked sister in her bedroom?” He tried to stifle his laugh.

Rena squirmed uncomfortable beside him, Justin just glared at him. Brian decided to have some fun with them. He was going to milk this one for all it was worth.

He feigned a very exaggerated hurt look on his face.

“Justin, please tell me you’ve not been straight all this time!” Brian couldn’t hold back his laugh this time. The look on both their faces was priceless.

“Briiaan…” Justin warned. Brian saw the warning signs but he couldn’t stop himself.

“Emmett would LOVE the drama of this moment, wouldn’t he? I mean, my lover and my sister, caught in bed together! I’m sure he’d find a party theme for this situation.” He put his hands behind his head and leaned back against the bed’s headboard, a teasing smile played on his lips.

Justin’s eyes grew dark. Brian knew what was coming, but it was worth it. He was going to enjoy ribbing Justin about this for a long time to come.

“This is NOT a joking matter Brian, your sister had a seizure!” He blurted out before he could stop himself. His hand flew over his mouth and he looked at Rena apologetically.

She sighed. “Thanks for giving me the opportunity to tell him myself!” She said bitterly.

“I’m sorry Rena, it just came out I didn’t mean……….”

“What the fuck!” Brian bolted up in the bed.

“What do you mean a seizure, what the fuck happened!” He got up from the bed and went around to the other side. Justin got up to let him sit down next to her.

“Justin did you call a doctor, an ambulance?” Brian put his hand on Rena’s forehead.

“Are you in pain?” He was rambling.

“Will you shut the fuck up Bean. I’m fine. I don’t need a doctor.” Rena pushed his hand away from her forehead.

“Jesus, why couldn’t we just let him think we fucked?” She looked over at Justin, frustrated.

“This isn’t funny Rena.” Brian said.

“You thought it was hysterical just a second ago.” She goaded.

“Rena! What kind of seizure? Have you had one before?” Brian asked.

“Yes, I’ve had them before. But I haven’t had one in 6 years.” She informed him. Rena hated being forced to tell him this way. But there was no turning back now.

Brian studied her for a minute. 6 years. He could do the math; that was the same time she stopped writing him.

“When did you start having these seizures?” He asked, his stomach clenching. He didn’t want to know the answer.

Rena sat up, pulling the blanket with her. “Justin, can you please hand me my robe? It’s hanging on the back of the bathroom door.” She asked.

Justin went over and retrieved the robe and handed it to her. “Thank you.” She said taking the robe from him. She pushed Brian aside and got up out of bed careless of her naked state. She slipped the robe on and walked over to the closet.

Brian saw the welts on her thighs when she stood naked from the bed. He’d seen marks like that before. He knew what caused them.

“What is the weather like out?” She said as she flipped through the garments in the closet.

“It’s getting colder. We’ll be out most the day shopping. I don’t want to under dress.” She chatted aimlessly.

“Oh Bean, we have to take Justin to Anik’s! It’s this great urban clothing store downtown. Everything is either black, denim or earth tone. I bet Justin would look hot in black. With his light coloring, the contrast would be deliciously decadent”

She was talking and making plans for the day as if she didn’t just have a seizure. Brian watched as she rummaged through her closet, pulling out shirts, and pants, studying each as if it were the most important decision she had to make for the day.

They may have been separated for years, but no one knew Rena better than Brian. He knew Rena was scared. The more frightened she was, the more casual she would act. He wasn’t going to let her hide from her fear though. This was critical. It was about her health.

“I’ve been dying to get Shane down there. Lord knows that girl could use a wardrobe adjustment, along with an attitude adjustment.” She joked.

“When did they start?” Brian asked again, quietly.

Justin stood by, his body taut with apprehension. Brian’s face was stone cold. Blank. He knew what that meant. Brian’s emotions were running on overload.

Rena’s spine stiffened. “I don’t want to do this now Brian.” She said with her back to him.

“Too bad.” His voice was curt. “I swear to God Rena if you don’t tell me now I will personally torture everyone in this fucking place to get some answers.” Brian threatened through gritted teeth.

Justin went over to him and placed his hand on his shoulder, quietly soothing him. Brian accepted the gesture. Justin could feel the tension radiating from his body. He was scared for Brian, and for Rena. Brian didn’t move, he just stared at Rena’s back, waiting for her to answer.

Rena sighed and turned to face him. Tears glistened in her eyes.

“I am told I had my first seizure three months after I moved in with Viv.” She stated flatly.

“What do you mean, “you are told”? Brian asked.

“I don’t remember them. Justin could probably tell you more than I can. He walked in on me having one. I’m afraid I scared the shit out of him.” She confessed quietly.

“You don’t know how sorry I am you had to see that.” She said to Justin.

He caught the double entendre in her words. Yes, she was sorry that he was frightened by it, but she was also sorry he witnessed her secret, forcing her to have this conversation with Brian.

Brian looked up at Justin. “What happened?” He demanded.

Justin hated being put on the spot. He frowned at Rena then turned to face Brian.

“She was in the bathtub in a fetal position, her head lying on the side of the tub,” He paused looking for signs of distress in Brian’s face. Nothing. Still blank.

“ Brian, she was unresponsive. James was trying to revive her.” Justin told him.

Rena spoke up. “It’s a good thing Shane came in with that bucket of ice. Once she threw it in the tub, I came around.” She threw Justin a challenging glance, daring him to contradict her.

“Did she also give you those welts on your leg Rena? Looks like the work of a crop.” Brian said in a dead toned voice.

Rena cursed under her breath. “No.” She sighed in resignation. “James had to use the crop to bring me out of the seizure. The longer a seizure lasts, the greater the risk of brain damage. He’s been taking care of me for years Brian. He knows what to do. He works under my instructions. And before you get angry with him, you should know he had no choice. When I had my first seizure he was the one that found me. Viv was away on her honeymoon. I told him if he told her, or anyone I would tell Viv that he tried to molest me. He had two choices, tell and be taken away from me, knowing I would deny ever having had a seizure to begin with, or stay with me and try to help me, watch over me in case I did have anymore. He chose to stay loyal to me. You should be grateful to him.” Rena defended James fiercely. He had taken care of her for the past 17 years.

“I don’t doubt James’s loyalty Rena. It’s your loyalty I doubt.” Brian said. Rena sucked in her breath.

“Ten fucking years Rena.” Brian said menacingly. “We’ve written to each other for ten years, told each other EVERYTHING. And not ONCE you mention this to me?” Brian was hurt, and scared. Justin could hear it in his voice.

Brian’s hurt ripped through Rena. She reminded herself why she never told Brian. It was the right decision. She had to remember that.

“Brian, what if I told you? It would have only made you worry, and there was nothing you could do. After that first year, they went away. There was nothing to write about. Almost ten years went by and not another seizure. I thought they were gone for good. I didn’t want to worry you.” Rena walked over to the bed and sat down beside him. He turned towards her and Rena could see the fear, anger and pain in his eyes. Her heart ached.

“But then 6 years ago I had another one. By then we weren’t writing each other anymore.” She pleaded with Brian to understand. She couldn’t take it if he lost faith in her. They were always honest with each other. They trusted each other with their lives. She couldn’t have Brian doubt her.

“What do the doctors say?” Brian asked.

Rena’s face went red and she looked away. Brian let his stone mask slip and shock covered his face. Justin saw it and went and sat on the other side of him on the bed.

“You haven’t seen a fucking doctor!” He shouted incredulous. He stood up abruptly and grabbed Rena by the arms and pulled her to her feet. He faced her, fire in his eyes. Justin watched from the bed.

“You’re a fucking doctor Rena, you know something like this can’t go untreated!” There was desperation in his voice.

“What if you have a tumor?” His voice cracked.

“No, Brian, please don’t go there. It’s not a tumor, I promise you.” Rena said earnestly trying to calm Brian’s fear.

Brian studied her. “What are you not telling me?” He asked.

Justin held his breath. His stomach clenched. He hung on Rena’s words. Waiting for the fall out that was sure to come when she finally spoke again.

“I know what triggers them.” She whispered.

Brian felt his heart drop. Fear gripped at him. She never told him, and Rena told him everything. The only reason why Rena would keep something like this from him was to protect him. His mind was racing, trying to find answers.

Rena saw the myriad of emotions cross Brian’s face. Everything that had ever happened to them crashed in on her. The weight of it made her knees weak, Brian had to physically hold her up. She couldn’t’ hurt him. He had suffered enough pain to last him a lifetime, and more.  
She briefly closed her eyes willing God to hear her.

“Tell me.” Brian demanded.

“You trigger them.” She said.

Brian’s face went blank again. His grip on her remained firm. He knew he was holding her up. His heart hammered in his chest. The implications of her words shook him.

Justin watched Rena warily. He didn’t know quite what she was up to.

“Brian, when we were separated, I lost the only living relative I ever had. For the first time in my life, I felt truly alone. I had my first seizure 3 months after our separation.” She began.

“I couldn’t stand to be away from you, I convinced Tom to be courier for us so I could at least remain close to you through our correspondents. And it worked. The seizures stopped. For years I was fine, because I still had you in my life.” She pushed away from him. She couldn’t look at him.

He let her go, waiting for her to finish. He stood there, in the middle of the bedroom, looking lost and hurt. Justin watched him closely. He waited to see where Rena was taking this.

“I went almost ten years with no seizures. I thought they were gone, that’s why I never saw a doctor. I studied trauma related seizures. If I had a tumor Brian, I would have had another seizure with in that time. But I didn’t. I only had another seizure when I stopped writing you six years ago.” Rena paused, waiting to see how Brian would take this information.

Brian’s remained stoic. “So you are telling me that being separated from me caused the seizures?” He asked disbelievingly.

“Yes.” She said.

“Bullshit Rena. If that were true, then why did you have a seizure today?”

Good one Brian, Justin thought. He wondered how Rena was going to explain her way out of this one. She hadn’t exactly lied to him, but she wasn’t telling him the whole truth either.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I know for a FACT that being separated from you had caused the seizures in the past. But I can’t explain today’s seizure. That’s what Justin and I were talking about when you came in.” She looked to Justin for support.

Great, he thought. Again, it wasn’t a lie, but she was trying desperately not to tell him about the rape. Maybe this was good he thought. Let him get use to the idea of her having seizures. Brian will make her deal with them, and in time, the root of them will have to come out. He wouldn’t lie to Brian, but if he didn’t have to, he wouldn’t betray Rena. She did have a right to tell him, in her own time.

“Rena told me that she didn’t know what caused the seizure today Brian, that’s the truth.” He said. Rena sighed her relief.

Brian caught it and looked at her suspiciously.

“Justin was telling me about his bashing, and the mini seizures he suffers today. He was adamant that I tell you about my seizures and get help immediately.” She told Brian.

Brian looked over at Justin and smiled. He knew Justin didn’t talk about the bashing much to anyone. They hardly spoke about it. Yet he opened up to Rena to try to help her. He couldn’t be prouder of him. He went over to him and cupped the side of his face. Justin rubbed his cheek against Brian’s hand. He turned to kiss his palm.

Rena’s knight in shinning armor, Brian mused. He smiled. He reached down and gently kissed Justin. “Thank you.” He whispered into his mouth.

Justin looked up into Brian’s eyes, love shone in them. His own eyes started to water.

Brian straightened up and turned to Rena, ready for battle.

“First of all, fuck you Rena.” He said. Rena smiled. This was good. Brian cursing her was good.

“Second, we’re going to get you a doctor immediately. You’re going to have a full brain scan, MRI, what ever the fuck they do with mental patients!” He said.

Justin laughed. Brian turned to him. “What are you laughing about?” He said indignantly.

“You seem to be saddled with brain damaged people Brian. What is it about you that attracts the mentally challenged?” He teased. Brian was not amused. Rena thought it was funny though.

She ran over to Brian and hugged him tightly. “Please don’t give up on me.” She whispered into his neck.

“I promise you, that as soon as I’m settled in Pittsburgh, I’ll get the best doctor in the field to treat me. I won’t let you down.” She vowed.

Brian held her tight.

He cleared his throat. “No, I WILL find you the best doctor. I don’t trust you Rena. You have a habit of not dealing with things you find disturbing.” He said.

“Gee I wonder where she got that from!” Justin remarked. Brian shot him a threatening look.

“Fine, you find a doctor! Don’t let the fact that I’ve studied in some of the best universities in and out of the country, and KNOW the best doctors in the world, account for anything. I’ll defer to your better judgment.” Rena said sarcastically.

“Well your judgment led you to not dealing with what could be a very serious condition. So forgive me if your “oh so superior” education and fancy degree’s don’t impress me much.” Brian spat back at her.

“Ohhhhh, you are such an asshole!” She vented.

“So I’ve been told.” He smiled at her.

Rena couldn’t resist his smile. She felt a big weight lifted from her. She wouldn’t think of the time when Brian would find out about the rape. For now, it was enough that she didn’t carry the burden of hiding the seizures from him anymore. And in truth, after today’s episode, she knew she had to see a doctor.

She took his hands in hers. “I’m sorry Brian.” She said solemnly.

“Sorry’s bullshit.” He replied and kissed her forehead. “I want you well Rena. I want you around for a long time.” He said, emotion thick in his voice.

“Now shouldn’t you be in bed? You’re not seriously thinking of going shopping are you?” Brian asked.

“Of course I’m going shopping! We all are, then we’re going to have a fabulous dinner and enjoy what little time we have in New York.” Rena was chipper.

“Are you sure you are up to it.” Justin asked.

“Stop being a mother hen, the both of you! I’m fine. Honestly!” Rena started to shoo them out.

“Now unless you want a hetro strip tease show, I suggest you get out and let me get dressed. She said.

“Ok, but if I see you’re tired..” Brian began.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. My life is going to be hell for the next few months.” Rena sighed.

“Welcome to my world.” Justin teased from the doorway. “Come on Bri, lets go get dressed, I’m starving!”

“Oh fuck, I almost forgot. Rena where are those fucking pain killers!” Brian put is fingers to his temples and rubbed.

Rena went into the bathroom and came out with a couple of yellow and blue pills and handed them to Brian.

“What are these?”

“Fironol.” She said. “Think Tylenol on steroids.”

“Thank God, I knew having a doctor in the family would come in handy for something.” Brian said and turned to leave.

Shane came running into the room just as they were leaving. She nearly knocked Justin over in her haste.

“Rena,” she said breathlessly. “Viv’s on her way here!”


	19. Aunty Viv

“It takes a whole lot of liquor to like her.”

~ Hank Williams Junior

 

 

“What is this, silk?”

 

Justin quickly pulled Shane away from the shirt. “Don’t touch that!” He scolded as he slid the closet door shut. “And it’s not silk, it’s Irish linen. Lacroix.” He told her. It was bad enough she was in their room, but now she was going through Brian’s wardrobe.

“Tell me again why she is here?” Brian complained for the tenth time.

“Because she was caught blowing Viv’s last husband and Viv’s still on the war path about it.” Justin explained for the tenth time.

“Well control your pet Justin.” Brian sneered.

“Lacroix?” Shane asked. “What the fuck is that? Some fancy name for “shirts for fags”?” She went over and plopped herself down on the bed.

“It’s a Paris designer.” Justin informed her. “And Shane, Brian was good enough to let you stay here while Viv is visiting, it would do you well to be nice to him.” Justin warned.

“And why the fuck is she HERE!” Brian said again.

Justin sighed.

“Fuck Justin, Rena booked another room for her, why don’t she go hang out there?” His irritation was palpable.

“Because I don’t like being alone.” Shane said honestly.

“Oh, is that why you fuck anything that moves?” Brian sneered.

Justin gave him a disbelieving look. “I can’t believe YOU just said that!” He laughed.

Brian snarled at them both and turned back to look out the window. He’d been staring out it for the past half hour.

 

Viv came in late last night. The events of the previous day hung heavy in his mind. After Rena’s revelation about her seizures, they all went shopping. He had to admit it was relaxing. His mind and emotions were on overload. They went to that boutique Rena told them about, Anik, and bought Justin and Shane some cloths. Shopping was always a good stress reliever for Brian.

Rena was right, Justin looked hot in black. He had him try on a black Malik shirt that hugged his body, and fell just past his ass, accentuating that particular part of his anatomy. Brian got hard again just thinking about it. He dragged Justin into the dressing room and fucked him right there. Another great stress reliever. Of course his blonde was mortified when they exited the small stall. It was obvious what they had been doing. But the sales person never said a word. Why would he? They spent over two thousand dollars in that store. The shirt alone cost three hundred. It took a lot of cajoling to get Justin to accept it. He had to convince him, which wasn’t too hard after their encounter in the dressing room, that the shirt was more for him, and not Justin.

After their shopping excursion, they had a very nice Italian dinner at Nino’s restaurant. Conversation flowed easily. He got a chance to talk to James more. He ignored Shane. And Rena and Justin chatted endlessly like two old school chums. There were even one or two celebrities dining there. Regis Philbin and Blythe Danner. Justin of course was thrilled to see Blythe. Emmett got Justin hooked on vintage movie and stage legends. He had great taste though Brian had to admit. He didn’t take to modern day Diva’s. Only the classics for his Sunshine.

 

It was almost easy to forget that Rena was suffering from seizures. Almost. She seemed perfectly normal all day. She was excited about Viv coming. Brian hid his irritation over her unexpected visit, not wanting to upset Rena. The last person Brian wanted to see was Viv.

The last time he saw that bitch was six years ago. He had yet to talk to Rena about it.

After diner, Rena asked him to go to the airport to meet her. Brian begged off complaining of a headache. Justin knew it was a ruse of course, but he didn’t question him. His blonde was treating him with kid gloves, as if Brian would crack or go off on binge if he said or did the wrong thing. He knew he was worried about how he was taking he news of Rena’s seizures. Problem was, he didn’t know how to take the news. Until he got her to a doctor, and had more facts, he refused to let himself obsess about it.

Rena arranged for Shane to have her own room while Viv stayed with her. Why Rena put up with that troublesome hellcat was beyond Brian. But Rena was protective of her. Brian would just as soon throw her in the streets. But just his luck, Justin took a shine to her as well. Though he wasn’t surprised. Justin was always drawn to troubled souls. He was a good example of that.

Shane went off last night to some bar. Brian took Justin back to the room and fucked him into the mattress. He made him wear the Malik shirt as he took him over and over again. God he was hot last night. He would have fucked him all night if Shane didn’t knock at their door at 3 in the morning. She didn’t want to go to her room alone. There was no fucking way he was letting her sleep in their bed, even though it was king size. Justin made a bed up with extra blankets on the floor for her. She had slept on enough streets in her life that a night on the floor of a hotel room wouldn’t be a hardship for her.

 

They woke up few hours ago. Justin ordered them room service for breakfast, which was more of a brunch. Rena called several times, he kept putting her off. He knew he couldn’t stall for much longer. For the last half hour he just stared out the window. Justin and Shane were getting restless.

“Brian, are we going up to Rena’s?” Justin broke through his thoughts.

 

Justin was dressed and ready to meet the woman he heard so much about. He was surprised Brian wasn’t anxious to see her again. After all, this woman saved Rena’s life. He didn’t understand Brian’s reaction.

 

Brian sighed heavily. Might as well get this over with. He turned to Justin.

“Take out that Lacroix shirt for me. And the black Armani slacks.” He said.

Justin shot a brow up at him. “Why so formal?” He asked. Brian didn’t make sense. First he acts like he would rather eat nails then see Viv, now he’s putting on his best cloths as if to impress her.

“Because I won’t give that cunt one more reason to judge me.” He snapped.

Ok, that took Justin by surprise. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He demanded. This was so out of character for Brian.

“Hey, look at that. Something we agree on! She is a cunt Justin.” Shane threw her two cents in.

Justin shot her a warning look. “Stay out of this Shane. And I wouldn’t be calling her names if I were you, after what you did to her!” For some reason, Justin felt he had to defend Viv and he didn’t even know her. He did know however, that if it weren’t for her, God knows what would have happened to Rena.

“What number husband was that Shane?” Brian asked her. He never got around to talking to Rena about Viv. Actually, he avoided that conversation. They spent an entire night catching up and only skimmed the surface. It was obvious there was a lot that they still needed to discuss.

“Nine. Can you fucking believe it? That woman goes through men like.., well, like you go through men Brian.” Shane smiled like a Cheshire at him. She couldn’t resist the rib.

 

“WHY the fuck is she here Justin?” He asked for the 11th time.

 

KNOCK! KNOCK!

 

“I’ll get it!” Shane got up to answer the door.

“Great, now she’s treating this like it’s her room. Justin, I don’t want her here!” Brian complained peevishly.

Justin put his hand on his arm, as if soothing a child who was in the midst of a tantrum. Which Brian was dangerously close to having.

Shane opened the door. “Fuck.” She said despondently.

“Sorry Shane, no husbands around for that. Though I thought your forte was blowjobs?” The woman on the other side of the door said.

Shane moved aside to let the woman in.

Justin turned to look at who he assumed was the famous “Aunt Viv.” Judging by what she just said to Shane, it had to be her.

He had to admit, her appearance was formidable. She was a tall woman, statuesque. Lean, with a practiced posture that made her chest stick out, and broad shoulders hitch back. Her clothing was pristine, and expensive. She had a short, very stylish haircut, and her hair was streaked red. Her features were attractive for sure, but definitely showed signs of “work”. He knew from what little he heard of her that she had to be at least in her 50’s. She looked 30. The facial skin was a little too taut to be natural.

But it was her piercing green eyes that unnerved him. Rena had her eyes, but Rena’s eyes did not have that hard look to them. Viv’s eyes exhumed a very hard life. He didn’t know her story, but the eyes were the windows to the soul and Justin could see a harsh, determined, take no prisoner’s person behind those eyes.

She walked into the room, as if she dominated it. Justin imagined the woman dominated every room she walked into. She turned slowly, examining the room with obvious distaste.

Her eyes settled on Brian. She ignored Justin, whose hand was still resting on Brian’s arm. As soon as Viv walked in, Brian went rigid. The skin beneath Justin’s hand felt like rock, that was how tight Brian’s muscles were. He looked up and saw the tightness in Brian’s jaw as well. Brian was NOT happy to see this woman. He was reigning in some serious anger. Justin wondered what had happened between them to cause such a reaction from Brian.

She turned her cold gaze to Justin.

"He must have cost a pretty penny.” She directed the accusation towards Brian. Her voice was as cold and harsh as her eyes.

Brian got stiffer, if that were possible. Justin’s hair on the back of his neck rose. He didn’t take kindly to the insult. He kept silent though and reminded himself that this woman saved Rena’s life.

“You confuse your habits with mine Viv. Nine husbands and countless face lifts later, you still carry the stench of a whore." Brian said with a pleasantry that belied the biting insult.

Viv didn't flinch at the slur. Indeed, she raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"From one whore to another..." She ventured with a smirk on her lips.

Brian's eyes grew cold.

“Yes, we do have that in common." Brian conceded.

Viv nodded her head in acknowledgement.

Brian strolled over to the nightstand and casually picked up his pack of cigarettes.

"Shane was just speaking fondly of your last husband.” He remarked as he lit up.

“She tells us that was number nine? As much as you like dick Viv, I'm surprised you weren't a better cock sucker.” Brian shot at her, blowing smoke in her direction.

Viv huffed indignantly.

“Looks like the boy has grown into a man.” She drawled. “Pity. I much prefer the boy. As do you it seems. I see you are still holding on to your "lost" youth." She emphasized the word "lost."

"What better way then in the form of young blondes.” She looked at Justin again.

“Yes, well we all have our methods. Though your method doesn’t seem to be working for you anymore. Nine husbands Viv?” Brian asked with mock concern.

“How does your ego endure? It must be hard to keep losing them to much "younger", more desirable boys." Brian followed suit and dragged out the word "younger" for her benefit.

"Tell me Viv, were they all gay?”

Shane groaned at Brian’s cutting words. She didn’t need him reminding Viv that her last husband thought she was a boy when he asked her to blow him!

Viv actually smiled at that jibe. "Only the really rich ones my Dear." She answered saucily before turning her attention to Justin once more.

 

“Please tell me you are of legal age at least?” She asked him condescendingly.

Ouch. Justin looked over at Brian. “Do I have to speak to “it”?” He asked, deciding the woman liked this sport, and he wasn’t going to sit back and be bait for her.

She stunned them all by laughing heartily in the room. Suddenly her stern demeanor slipped and a playful, amused woman stood before them.

“The pretty kitten has claws. Very nice.” She said taking a second long look at Justin, summing him up.

“Not bad Brian. That’s two things you’ve done right in your life. Most men never accomplish one.” She said with all seriousness.

Justin was stunned. First she is insulting them mercilessly, and now she’s giving Brian an honest compliment. The woman was a walking contradiction.

“What are you doing here Viv?” Brian asked bluntly, done with the vicious banter they each were too fond of.

“I didn’t know how long you intended to hide from me, so I decided to come and get you.” She answered.

“I wasn’t hiding, I was avoiding. There is a difference.” Brian said flatly.

Viv sighed dramatically. “Come on Brian, how long are you going to stay angry with me?” She asked.

Brian snorted and walked towards her. He stopped just inches from her.

“Lets be clear Viv, you are only here to find out how much I’ve told Rena. Damage control is your motive.” He stated.

Viv didn't bother to deny the charge.

“What other reason would I have to be dragged from my Spa in Italy? I was doing a full week of mud baths, defoliants and facial hydrotherapy.  
Rena wasn’t supposed to leave for another week. I should have known she would be too impatient to wait. I was hoping to talk to her before she left.” Viv explained.

“Defoliant?” Justin asked. “Don’t you mean exfoliant?”

Viv turned an appreciative eye on Justin. He was clever to catch that she mused. It was a private joke between her and Margot. They called each other a couple of old Oak trees still standing in the forest. Whenever they went for facials, they called it being “defoliated". Which is what aged trees do.

“At my age sweetie, it’s more like peeling dead leaves off.” Viv smiled at her own pun.

Justin smiled back. At least the woman had a sense of humor about herself.

“And what would you have said to Rena Viv? Or I should ask, what did you say?” Brian brought her attention back to him.

“Brian. If you can’t forgive me, at least understand why I did what I did.” Viv pleaded. “For Rena’s sake.” She added.

“Bullshit Viv!” Brian leaned in and yelled at her. “You did it for the same fucking reasons you do anything. Pure selfishness!”

Viv’s eyes grew dark. “And so what if it was! I don’t have a right to be happy?! I took care of her for 17 years Brian, NOT you.” She barked out a caustic, bitter laugh.

“And STILL, it is YOU, she considers family! She LIVED for those letters from you! In truth, she wasn’t going on with her life. She didn’t let me in, or anyone else. Did you know she threw a chance at REAL love away because of you?” Viv asked.

Brian snorted. “Bullshit. I wouldn’t believe a fucking word you said, not after the lie you told me.” He accused.

Viv wasn’t giving up. “It’s true. Ask her. She’ll tell you the truth. His name was Sean. He was a plastic surgeon. They met in medical school. It was the only time I saw her truly happy with someone. She was monogamous with him! Imagine that. Rena, monogamous! But then, when it got too serious, she told him she had another life to go to and left him. Just like that. Well, it was then I decided to cut the strings between you two.” Viv had worked herself up, her face was red.

Brian just stared at her. There was a ring of truth to what she was saying. Rena did mention a Sean in one of her letters. But she never indicated it was serious. Thinking back though, it was the only man she ever spoke about with respect. All the other men and women she mention were always with in a sexual context. Brian feared there was truth to Viv’s words.

“That doesn’t excuse you lying to me Viv.” Brian said. He remembered the letter Rena sent Michael that prompted their reunion.

 

"She told me that the letters I was sending him were keeping him rooted in the hell we lived as children and stopping him from moving past it and getting on with his life."

Rena wrote to Michael, telling him what Viv had told her about the letters she was sending Brian.

 

Viv told her the same lie, she told him. What he never told Michael was that it was Viv, who came to tell him Rena wouldn't be writing anymore. Not Tom. She waited until a fucking year went by with no letter before she came down from the mountain to tell Brian her lies.

 

Viv actually looked contrite. She looked away from him.

“That was hurtful, I know.” She squared her shoulders and looked back at him.

“I was jealous of you Brian. I wanted to hurt you. All those years, and Rena’s first loyalty always remained with you. I have no excuse.” She confessed, unapologetically.

Brian straightened up and held her stare. Good. At last, the truth. It was a start.

“I didn’t tell Rena, yet. But Viv, telling me that Rena went on a sex, drug and drinking binge every time she received a letter from me was cruel. Even for you. I’ve carried that guilt for six fucking years. It hurt me to give her up. And you have no idea how much it hurt Rena. For someone who claims you’ve taken care of her for 17 years, so much has gone past your notice. Critical things.” Brian informed her.

“What are you talking about?” Viv asked warily.

“Rena will have to tell you.” Brian said. “Your selfishness has hurt the one person you truly love. The only reason I am speaking to you at all IS because I owe you a great debt. You did save Rena’s life. And if the payment for that, was you hurting me six years ago, then I’ll accept that. But hurting Rena is something I can’t forgive.” Brian declared.

Viv’s eyes grew wide. “I would NEVER hurt Rena! Everything I ever did was to help her! I love her more than anything Brian, even myself. If you believe nothing else, believe that.” Viv was earnest. Brian did believe her, but she had no idea of Rena’s seizures. She should have been more diligent in caring for her.

“Brian.” Viv’s voice softened. “We cant’ go on like this. You’re Rena’s brother. We both love her. For her sake, lets try not to hurt each other from now on, ok?” She put out the olive branch.

“There was a time when we did get along.” She reminded him.

Brian hesitated. There was a time when he was a mere teen that Viv and he got along. And In truth, even though he was very angry at Viv for lying to him about Rena, and cutting them off for six years, he knew in his heart she believed she was doing what was best for Rena. More importantly, if it was true, as he suspected it was, that Rena gave up a chance at love to come back to him, then Viv DID do the right thing.

“Tell you what Viv. If you TRY not to be such a vicious lying cunt, I’ll try to tolerate you.” He said to her, tongue in cheek.

She gave him a haughty smile. “You do ask the impossible you know. Being a cunt is how I got nine husband.” She informed him.

They smiled at each other. A silent truce was being formed. Viv opened her arms in invitation. Brian stared at her for a moment, letting her hang there.

She sighed. “Asshole” She said.

“Why does everyone call me that?” Brian said laughingly, and opened his arms for Viv.

 

Justin stood behind Brian totally flabbergasted by the whole conversation. There was so much information to absorb. Pieces were coming together for Justin. It explained so much about Brian, and his behavior patterns. All the lies and pain from his past were all part of who Brian was today. Why he didn’t trust. Why he couldn’t connect emotionally. Justin was amazed that he was able to break through some of those barriers with him after all Brian had endured. Justin’s heart swelled. It was clear how much Brian let go in order to let Justin in. He loved him so much right then it hurt. Justin shook his head. He was NOT going to cry in front of Viv! He decided to leave the room, they needed a little privacy.

 

Shane managed to slip out of the room earlier, eager to escape Viv’s wrath. The door was still opened behind Viv. Anyone walking in the hall could hear their conversation. Justin went around them to leave the room as quietly as he could. Viv walked into Brian’s arms. Justin watched them and he closed the door, his back to the lobby. He bumped into a body behind him. He turned around to apologize and his mouth dropped open!

“Hey handsome! Is this Brian Kinney’s room?”

Margot Hathaway, the FAMOUS Margot Hathaway, star of film and stage spoke to Justin Taylor!


	20. Not So Jaded

"You’re thinking so complicated  
I’ve had it all up to here  
But it’s so overrated  
Love and hate it  
Wouldn’t trade it  
Love me jaded"

~ Jaded by Aerosmith

 

 

Brian tossed the black Malik shirt at Justin. It landed unceremoniously over his head. Justin pulled it off and gave Brian an irritated look while he covered the mouthpiece of the phone.

“Brian I can’t wear that! It needs to be cleaned!” Justin reminded him. Brian smirked.

“I like how it smells. It’s all you Sunshine.” He went over to where Justin sat on the edge of the bed and bent over to nibble his neck. He picked up the discarded shirt and tried to put it on Justin.

“Cut it out, we’re going to be late.” Justin half-heartedly pulled away from Brian.

“Well then I suggest you get off the phone.” Brian said, and then shouted so Emmett could hear him through the covered mouthpiece.

“BYE BYE EMMETT. JUSTIN WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HER ON SUNDAY”.

Justin laughed and pushed him away. Brian reluctantly gave up his efforts to dress Justin and went into the bathroom to finish dressing himself for dinner.

Justin took his hand off the mouthpiece.

“I heard that.” Emmett said. “He really needs to get his priorities straight.” Emmett complained.

 

“SOOO, sugar, don’t hold out on me. I want to know EVERY little detail. Is she as gorgeous as she was in “Ashes Rising? Did she have a bevy of hot young men hanging around her? Are her pearls, real, or dipped?” He asked excitedly.

“God Emmett how the fuck would I know a thing like that!” Justin laughed into the phone.

“She is more beautiful in person then on film! A little shorter than I thought she would be though.” Justin remarked.

“Oh my God Emmett, I couldn’t believe Margot Hathaway was standing in front of me, talking to me! I was like a crazed fan! I gushed how much I loved her in “All About Eve.” Justin confessed

“YOU DID NOT!” Emmett was horrified. “That wasn’t Margot Hathaway, that was Betty Davis!”

Justin cringed, Emmett sounded aghast by Justin’s faux pas.

“Yeah, I did. She gave me this look as if I had spit on her shoes!” He shook his head at the memory. Brian looked over at him from the bathroom and laughed.

It was very funny. Viv had walked into the hall just as Justin made that blunder. She acted like Justin just gave her the best Christmas gift ever. Viv and Margot were the kind of best friends that always liked to get one up on each other. Having a fan mistake Margot for another actress was fodder for Viv’s insult bin. She grabbed Justin from behind and gave him a big hug. She couldn’t help throwing in a barb of her own as she whispered into Justin’s ear, loud enough for Margot to hear, “She was even better in “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane.”

That’s when Justin realized he made a mistake and started apologizing ad nauseam. Margot took pity on him and let the slip slide, but Viv wasn’t going to let it down so easily. She ribbed her friend about it all day.

“I did. I thought I would die. But she was pretty cool about it. Viv thought it hysterical.”

Justin smiled at the memory. He was starting to like Viv. She was a hard woman, but there was a kindness to her that lay just beneath the surface. He had no doubt that she could be a vicious snake if riled, but it was obvious she was very fond of Brian, no matter what their past differences.

Seeing her around Rena was like seeing another woman. There was no doubt she adored Rena. Justin could see the hurt in her eyes every time Rena talked about her move to Pittsburgh. Brian saw it too. He took pity on her and threw more then one invitation out to Viv to come to Pittsburgh. Viv in return, made him promise to bring Rena and Justin to their château in Loire Valley. It was a bittersweet exchange.

 

Brian’s little family was an intriguing bunch. Dysfunctional, quirky and eccentric. The more he learned about each the more he liked them. Rena and he were getting on great. She was already calling herself his “sister in-law” which gained her more than one glare from Brian.

Shane had a great big heart, which she tried to hide and protect, but Justin could see through her. She loved Rena to a fault and was very loyal to her. She was coming around to Justin. They were becoming friends. Though Brian acted like he detested her, he knew Brian was starting to see some merit in Shane. Oddly enough, finding out that Shane blew Viv’s last husband gained her some points in Brian’s book; which was par for course in the dysfunctional category Justin mused.

James was like a father, or more accurately, like an older protective brother to Rena. What amazed Justin was how he illustrated that same protectiveness and loyalty to Brian as soon as he met him. Brian liked and respected him immediately. Which surprised Justin. It usually took Brian a long time to trust anyone. But Brian instantly took to James. Justin caught them talking quietly a few times over the last few days. He didn’t question Brian about it. It was as if Brian knew something about James that was private.

 

“SPITTING on her shoes would have been preferable to insulting the woman! For God sakes Justin, have I taught you nothing!” Emmett whined on the other end bringing Justin’s thoughts back to the conversation.

“I know. I’ll have to pay better attention.” Justin agreed.

Emmett heard the stress in Justin’s voice. He grew serious for a moment. “Seriously baby, how are you?” He asked

“I’m fine Emmett, really. And Brian is fine too.” He added a bit harshly.

It bothered him that everyone showed such concern for him, and none for Brian. It was so easy for them to paint Brian the bad guy. Michael was the only one who worried about Brian.

None of Brian’s other friends knew of his past life. Not even Deb or Vic. They only knew what they saw. What Brian allowed them to see. If they only knew that Brian’s way of protecting those he love was to keep the ugliness from them, they would see him differently. But that was Brian’s choice. He knew how private Brian was, and he also knew that having his past aired to his friends was the last thing Brian wanted. He would keep as much private as he could when Rena went back with them, and Justin would respect that.

 

“Honey I KNOW Brian is fine. He always is sweetie. He’s got tough skin. You haven’t lived as much as he has. Don’t think I don’t care about him, I hear that in your voice.” Emmett laughed.

“You’re like the protective mama bear with it comes to him! But I understand Brian better then you think I do. I don’t worry about him because he’s a survivor. You’ve got a lot of living to do yet. So I worry about you more.” Emmett explained.

Justin pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit he picked up from Brian.

“I’m sorry Em. I know you are a good friend to Brian. It’s just been a very emotional few days.” Justin sighed into the phone.

“Honey, don’t you worry about a thing! Sunday you’ll be home, and everything will be just fine! You’ll see.” Emmett said cheerfully. “I’m planning a wonderful party for when you two return!” He chirped

“I heard.” Justin smiled into the phone. “Em, don’t over do, ok?” He asked.

Emmett laughed. “Honey it ain’t worth doing if you don’t do it right! But don’t worry; it will just be close family and friends, no big deal. Ok?”

 

Justin was relieved. “That will be great Em, thanks. I have to go, we’re going out to dinner tonight. Margot is taking us out to Oscars.” Justin told him then regretted it a second later when Emmett screeched into his ear. Justin had to pull the earpiece away from his head.

“OSCARS!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God, all the movie stars go there Justin! You HAVE to give me a full report when you get back!” Emmett demanded.

“Ok, ok! I promise!” Justin laughed into the phone. “I’ll talk to you when we get back.”

“Ok sweetie, you take care, and have fun tonight! Love ya, bye!” Emmett blew a kiss in the phone and hung up.

Justin said goodbye and closed the Razor. He was worried about going home.   
He still had to find a place to live now that Ethan kicked him out. Brian hadn’t exactly asked him to move back in. And in truth, Justin didn’t know if that was such a good idea. Things were going to be different when they got back. Brian had to adjust to having his sister back in his life, deal with the stress of making Kinnetik a huge fucking success, and find the time to make their own dysfunctional relationship work.

Brian would be stretched emotionally. Justin knew that Joan and Claire would not accept Rena. Though they hated Brian’s lifestyle, and rejected him personally, when it came to appearances, Joan was fanatic. She still liked to “act” the caring mother when it suited her. Which hurt Brian more than anyone knew. Rena’s mother loved him as a son where his own mother never would, or could. Pretending she cared for appearance sake cut through Brian like a knife. She was still his mother, and what son wouldn’t want his mothers love?  
Justin worried Joan and Claire would cause trouble for Brian.

 

“You’re thinking way too much, and that can’t be a good thing.” Brian said as he walked out of the bathroom looking gorgeous as ever.

He was wearing a pair of dark blue Giorgio Gibboti front pleated trousers with a crisp white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. No tie, and a matching jacket slung over his shoulder. The only jewelry he wore was his Swiss watch and his cowry shell bracelet. Casual, yet elegant. Justin smiled at him.

Brian frowned at him. “What’s the matter?”

 

Justin lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. “You know what’s really sad?” Justin asked.

Brian draped his jacket over the side of the chair and walked around the bed to lie next to Justin.

He stretched out on his side and propped his head up with his hand; he ran his free hand down Justin’s cheek.

“What’s so sad Sunshine?” He said soothingly.

“The fact that I know those pants are Giorgio Gibboti.” Justin heaved a sigh.

Brian laughed and leaned over to kiss him. He pulled back and looked at Justin. The boy was definitely worried about something.

“Come on, spill it. I can see those wheels spinning.” Brian coaxed.

Justin turned his head to look at Brian. “I’m worried about you.” He said.

Brian snorted. “Worried about me? Millions of children go to bed hungry every night. Worry about them, don’t waste your time worrying about me.” Brian spat out sarcastically. He didn’t like Justin worrying about him. It came too close to pity. And Brian did NOT do pity. He got up from the bed.

Fuck Justin thought. Wrong thing to say. He should have known better. Brian didn’t want anyone worrying about him, or feeling sorry for him. To him, both were one in the same.

“Fine, give me a minute and I’ll get dressed.” Justin rose from the bed.

“You better hurry up, the car is already here.” Brian said coolly.

Justin looked back at him on his way to the bathroom.

“I’m much younger then you Bri, doesn’t take me as long to look good.” He waited for Brian to turn to face him, knowing a stinging retort was coming. When he did Justin just smiled brilliantly at him.

Brian’s words stuck in his throat. He blinked then said “Brat.” Brian never could resist Justin’s smile. He turned back around so Justin couldn’t see his own smile.

 

***********************************************************************

 

“You know Viv, I’ve been meaning to tell you for years, you should keep your hair natural like mine.” Margot said in the form of polite dinner conversation as she looked over the menu.

Viv gave her a stunned look. “If I kept my hair natural like yours I’d be bald.” She replied taking a sip from her water.

It went on like this since they got to the restaurant. Justin found it amusing, Brian found it irritating, and Rena ignored it.

Oscars was all it was reported to be. Garishly over decorated, ridiculously expensive, well at least Justin surmised it was since there were no prices on the menus, and filled with movie stars.

He leaned over and whispered to Brian. “Do you think we’ll see Merrill Streep?” He asked.

“See there is the difference between you and me Sunshine, if I “have” to endure dining with insurable pretentious actors with over inflated egos, I’d rather it be with Keanu Reeves or John Cusack. At least they’re eye candy. Merrill Streep makes my dick soft.” He laughed softly.

 

Justin gave him a sharp look and went back to reading his menu.

“So Margot, why are you in New York?” Rena asked.

“I’m doing “Suddenly Last Summer on Broadway.” She replied smugly.

“Playing the part of the mother?” Viv asked innocently.

Margot leaned back and placed her hand on the table. “What makes you think I’m not playing the part of the cousin?” She asked

“Well Margot darling,” Viv began as she put her hand over Margots’, “As your best and dearest friend, I know I can tell you this without offending you,”

Justin waited for the barb. This was a game they both played very well.

“The parts you’ve been taking lately are more suited for much younger actress. You’re not Peg of my heart anymore darling, you’re Lady Mac Beth.” Viv smiled at her and patted her hand.

Margot called the waiter over. “Another scotch, straight up.” She ordered.

“Make that two.” Brian added. God if he were ever going to get through dinner with these two sniping cunts he’d have to do it drunk.

“Ok you two enough!” Rena warned. “You’re antics may be amusing to the both of you, but to others you sound like a couple of bitter old twats. So shut up.”

Brian laughed. Viv and Margot gave Rena a dirty look.

“Were did she get such a filthy mouth?” Margot asked.

“From the slew of drunken agents, directors and producers I had to throw out of your house when I was staying with you.” Rena lived with Margot when she went to UCLA.

Margot snorted. “Yeah well it was sex and guts that got me where I am today.” Margo said with no hint of shame or remorse.

Unfortunately Brian understood her. He knew what it took to succeed in a commercialized world where sex sold. Sometimes hard work wasn’t enough. On too many occasions he took a client into the bathroom to fuck him. True, he didn’t do it for the account; he did it for the pure sex of it. Getting the account was just the bonus.  
Now that he owned his own company, it wasn’t an issue. Though he still enjoyed sex with some clients.

“Margot you say that as if you’re not a talented actress. I know you are, I’ve seen your work.” Justin said.

“Which work are you talking about dear? Her role in “Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte?” Viv couldn’t help herself as she threw out the name of another Betty Davis movie.

Rena threw her hands up in defeat.

“I recently saw Ashes Rising. You were brilliant in that.” Justin said in all honesty.

Margot actually looked embarrassed. She smiled appreciatively at Justin.

“Thank you sweetie. It’s nice to hear someone appreciates my work. There was a time I didn’t think anyone would ever see it. Truth is, talent doesn’t always get you the part.” She admitted.

 

She squared her shoulders. “In the beginning I couldn’t get a fucking commercial. So I fucked who I needed to fuck to get on film so that I could prove that I was a good actress. I don’t regret it. Sometimes you have to do what you have to just to survive sweetie. We all go in thinking our talent or hard work will sell us and then we learn the ugly truth of what it really takes. You’re young, and I hope to God it’s not a lesson you’ll ever have to learn.” She said with all seriousness.

Justin heard the deep sadness in her voice. He smiled sweetly at her.

“That’s a lesson Justin won’t ever learn Margot.” Brian said confidently.

“He’s a very talented artist, but he’d rather be the only person who ever sees his work then sell his soul to get it seen by others.” Brian said a little too harshly.

Justin kicked him under the table. Brian ignored him. It was true. He knew Justin would rather starve than compromise his principals. He wasn’t like Margot, or him for that matter.

“Of course he won’t have to. Not when he’s got a sugar daddy.” Margot shot at Brian, hurt from his insinuation.

“Excuse me!” Justin said angrily. He just complimented the bitch and she called him a gold digger! Ok, so Brian insulted her and provoked her, but she made HIM the target! Justin realized that she did it cause she knew that would hurt Brian most, insulting Justin. She could insult Brian all night; he could give a fuck, but insult Justin… He had to smile. Brian was that transparent when it came to his protective feelings for Justin.

Brian grabbed Justin’s hand under the table and gently squeezed it. Justin sat back and waited for Brian’s attack. This time, Justin wouldn’t lecture him. She had it coming.

“Margot, you have a reputation for being a lush and a whore. You actually take pride in the fact that you fuck all your leading men. So don’t give me this “poor me, I did the unthinkable just to survive” shit about fucking everyone and anyone who could advance your career. Once your career soared, you didn’t stop fucking around. Fine. I can respect that. But don’t try to pass off your choices as necessary evils. You are at heart, a whore. I should know. Takes one to know one. But don’t you DARE assume things about Justin. He has something you nor I never had, moral character.” Brian finished his tirade. He was steaming. God he hated vicious, opportunistic celebrity types. He worked with many. They had over inflated ego and low self-esteem. And often took joy in belittling others who worshiped them. It made him sick.

Justin squeezed Brian’s hand underneath the table thanking him.

 

Viv laughed uproariously. “He got your number darling, doesn’t he?” She said.

Margot looked at the pair sitting at her table. They made a handsome couple. And there was true love there. It’s what prompted her to insult Justin. She’d been playing this game far too long. She knew how to identify her mark. Unfortunately she hit her mark a little too hard, and the return fire was shattering. She sighed. She’d been living in the snake pit so long, she forgot there were actually normal people in the world who didn’t play these types of games. Viv was use to her. She feared her insult to Rena’s brother went too far, and she didn’t want to hurt Rena.

“God I hate fags.” She said, with a deep sorrowful sigh. “And you know why? Cause I can’t charm them, fuck them or fool them.” She raised her glass to Brian.

“I apologize for offending your friend.” She looked over to Justin.

“I ask you forgive this old aging cunt, as Viv so lovingly calls me, I’m just way too jaded to recognize a decent human being when I see one. Comes from living in the cesspool they call LA.” She said in all honesty.

Justin nodded at her. “Apology accepted. And I stand by what I said. You were brilliant in Ashes Rising.”

Brian smiled at his lover. He always made him so proud. Even in the midst of that bitches’ attack, Justin managed to rise above it, and be the better person. Well in truth he was the better person Brian acknowledged to himself. Way too good for the likes of him.

He called the waiter over and ordered another drink. He didn’t accept Margot’s apology, but he wasn’t making an issue out of it either. Justin was fine, so he was fine.

“I’m sorry, I need some air.” Rena got up, her face red with anger, and left the table.

James got up to follow her; Brian put his hand on his arm to stop him.

“I’ll go.” He said and started to get up from his chair.

Justin reached over and grabbed his arm. Brian looked down at him, half out of his chair.

“Let me go Bri.” He said quietly.

Brian stilled for a moment, then nodded his head and sat back down. Justin got up and excused himself and followed Rena outside.

 

Rena stood out in the cold October air fuming. Fucking Margot! Though Margot was just being Margot. It never bothered her before. And that was what really bothered Rena. The fact that she lived with Margot, and people like her for so long she wondered when did she become numb to it? Rena reluctantly admitted she wasn’t much better than Margot. She used men, and women for her own pleasure. She kept most everyone at a distance. And though she never purposely set out to hurt anyone, she did through her callousness when she stood by and watched others be hurt, and did nothing.

But when Margot insulted Justin, she felt hurt. Rena had to leave before she hit Margot. That was how angry she was at her for attacking Justin.

The problem was she had studied Human Behavioral studies for so long that she developed a healthy distain for mankind in general.   
She’d heard Margot say much worse to her assistants, her agents, to anyone who was unfortunate enough to work for her, and it never bothered Rena. They all took it, eager just to be in her presence, Rena thought they deserved it then.  
But they didn’t. No one did. Why didn’t see she this before? Had she become so jaded?

She rubbed her arms against the chill of the night. She welcomed the cold, it was cooling her anger.

“Hey” Justin said as he walked up behind her.

She turned around and gave him an apologetic smile.

“Oh, Justin, I am so sorry…”

Justin made a dismissive sound. “Rena don’t. You don’t ever have to apologize to me.” He interrupted her.

“Besides, don’t you and Brian follow the same rules? No apologies, no regrets?” He teased her.

She laughed, her teeth chatted from the cold.

“Come inside, you’re freezing.” Justin went to her and put his arms around her, trying to keep her warm.

Rena rested her head on his shoulder and folded into his warmth.

“In a minute.” She said.

Justin started rubbing her arms.

“You’re nothing like her Rena, you know that don’t you?” Justin said with an insight that amazed Rena. The way he could read people was a gift. He would make a great psychotherapist she thought, he had wonderful intuition.

“Doesn’t excuse the fact that I’ve let her get away with that shit for years.” Rena sighed regretfully.

“No, but Rena, you grew up seeing nothing but the worse in people. The two people in your life, who were good, were taken away from you. It’s not surprising you became numb to the cruelty of others. God why wouldn’t you? Having experienced so much of it your self. I know how easy it is to ignore bad behavior.” Justin whispered.

“I should have seen how cruel Hobbs was, but I ignored it. Hobbs was the guy who took the bat to my head. He use to torment other kids in my school all the time. I stood by and said nothing. I was only worried about how I was treated.” Justin said with guilt.

Rena looked up at him. “Justin do you blame your self for what that boy did to you?” She asked surprised. How could Brian let the boy go on thinking that? She wondered if Brian even knew Justin felt this way.

Justin looked away. In truth, he did feel part of the blame was his. He was always reckless. When he had the opportunity, he gave Chris back some of his own. Teasing him in front of his friends when he bumped into him on Liberty Avenue. He knew the type of kid Chris was, though he never imagined he would have reacted so violently.

 

“Justin what happened to you was NOT your fault in any way. Do you think that guy Hobbs woke up one day and decided he hated gays? Something like that comes from years of exposure to hate and anger. Starting from his parents, to his schoolmates. Nothing you did, or could ever do, would justify his actions. He would have hurt someone eventually. That was how he was conditioned. As for not defending your classmates when you saw them being teased, how could you? You were dealing with your own problems. That’s a normal reaction and a necessary survival skill. You would never stand by and watch someone get hurt. That’s not who you are.” Rena pulled away from Justin and looked around for a place for them to sit. She spotted a bench by the entrance, and out of the wind. She took Justin’s hand and guided him there. She sat down and he sat beside her.

“Emotional damage is the worse kind of damage that can be dealt to a person and harder to recover from. “ She explained to him.

“But its not that easily recognizable. Kids hurl hurtful words at each other all the time. It’s culturally accepted amongst youths. You lived in that culture Justin. When you are in the midst of something, you don’t see it for what it is. But you see it now, and that is what is important. Look at me Justin,” Rena placed her hand under Justin’s chin and turned his face towards her.

“There was nothing you could have done to stop what happened to you. You are not responsible for the actions of others. I’m not so much worried about the brain damage you have and the tremors you suffer from, I’m more worried about this guilt you are carrying around. And if my hunch is right, you feel you being bashed has somehow hurt Brian, am I right?” Rena asked.

Justin’s eyes filled with tears. “Oh Rena, I would have never made it if it weren’t for Brian. He took care of me after I got out of the hospital. I was a pitiful wreck. I had panic attacks, I couldn’t leave the loft alone, and I wouldn’t even let him touch me. For months he cared for me, and helped me heal. He sacrificed so much to be there for me. I should have never put him in that position!”

Rena gathered Justin in her arms. “Shhhh… Now stop this. You know in your heart it could be no other way. Brian loves you. That’s what people do for those they love. They care for them. You KNOW Brian. He NEVER does anything he doesn’t want to do. You know what a selfish prick he is.” She said

Justin laughed and wiped his tears away.

“So you’re saying that Brian taking care of me was a selfish act?” He asked jokingly.

“Absolutely Justin. Love is selfish and selfless.” Rena said with all seriousness.

“You really should talk to Brian about this.” She advised.

Justin kissed her cheek. “You know Rena, you’re very good at your job.” He smiled.

“But as they say, physician heal thyself. You’ve been carrying around a lot of guilt yourself. When are you going to tell Brian?’ He asked.

Rena looked embarrassed. Justin was right; she could dish out the advice, but had a hard time following it herself.

“Touché’ my dear.” She laughed. “Tell you what, we’ll take it one step at a time. We don’t want to over load our boy, do we?” She said.

Justin smiled and shook his head. They sat for a moment, quietly.

“Rena, can I ask you a question?” He said cautiously.

“Of course Justin, you can always ask me anything.”

“Viv told Brian that you gave up a chance at love because of him. Is that true?” He knew he shouldn’t be discussing this with her.

“Viv told Bean that!” Rena huffed.

“Please don’t tell her I told you Rena! I shouldn’t have even asked.” He said nervously. He always went too far. He really needed to know when to keep his mouth shut.

“Justin, I left Sean because he wanted to get married and have kids.” She informed him, looking at him for understanding.

“Oh.” Justin said. Rena told him that she couldn’t have kids because of the damage done to her from the rape.

“I’m so sorry Rena.” He said

“Don’t be. Not your fault. But I didn’t want to tell Sean. If I did, then being a doctor, he’d want to know why. And I wasn’t going to tell him. Viv can assume what she wants. Telling her is out of the question as well.” She said.

“What are you going to tell Brian? You know he’s going to ask you about it.” Justin asked.

“I’ll tell him the truth. I promised you I wouldn’t lie to him. But how much of the truth, well…” She let the sentence drift off.

“Did you love him?” Justin asked, changing the subject.

Rena thought for a second. “I guess. I mean, I believe I could have loved him very much. I never have been “in” love.” She looked at Justin.

“When did you know you loved Brian?” She asked.

Justin smiled and blushed. “I knew I loved him the moment he spoke to me under that lamp post.”

Rena laughed. “Honey, that was lust, not love. When did you realize you loved him?”

“You sound like Brian. He says the same thing. But no, I knew it was love.” Justin declared strongly.

Rena tilted her head and gave him an odd look. “How do you know?”

Justin thought for a second, trying to find a way to explain it to her.

“When I was around seven I was very rebellious.” He said suddenly. Rena looked quizzically at him, but said nothing.

“I had a strong independent, reckless streak. Drove my mother crazy!”

Rena laughed. “I’m not surprised. You’re still reckless getting yourself mixed up with my brother!” She teased.

“True.” He agreed.

“Anyway, I remember one day I decided I didn’t need to ride the bus home from school. I wasn’t a baby! I was seven years old for God sakes, I should be able to get home on my own I thought.”

Rena could imagine a stubborn little independent Justin. She could still see some remnants of that little boy in him. Just like she saw the carefree little boy in Brian, the boy before…” Rena stopped her thoughts from going there.

Justin continued. “So I ditched the bus and started walking home. What I didn’t realize was that there was a BIG difference between 3 miles by bus and 3 miles on foot. I got lost. It was getting dark and I didn’t recognize any of the streets. I started to panic. I remember feeling like I would never see my family again; I had visions of being alone, forever. Lost. Then suddenly, I turned a corner and recognized the street I was on. It was my street. I saw my house and I was instantly filled with such a strong sense of relieve and Joy. It was overpowering. I was home. I never forgot that feeling.”

Justin looked at Rena to see if she understood. She was trying to grasp it.

When I first saw Brian, yeah, I was hot for him. My body tightened with lust. There was no denying that. I wanted him. But the moment he opened his mouth and said “Hey.” That feeling I had when I was seven rushed back. It almost knocked me over, that was how powerful it was. At that moment, I knew I was home.

Rena was stunned. She never imagined it could be like that. She envied Justin and her brother. Her eyes filled with tears.

Justin smiled at her. “I guess you can say he had me at “Hey.”


	21. All I Want Is All I Need

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.

~ Author unknown.

 

 

Brian sank deep into the mattress; a tired groan escaped his lips. There was nothing like your own bed he thought. Justin was already asleep beside him. He didn’t realize how much of a toll this trip had taken on him.

They took an early flight home this morning and got in about an hour ago. Justin dropped the bags and went straight to bed. Brian made some phone calls first. He checked in with Ted to discuss the up coming weeks agenda. He then called Lindsey and talked to Gus for a while. He smiled. Gus was starting to learn new words and couldn’t wait to try them out on daddy. His favorite word seemed to be “sponge bob.” Brian told Lindsey he needed to spend more time with the boy. He was sorely lacking a male influence. Mel wasn’t doing her job, he complained. She laughed and reminded him that he could spend as much time as he wanted to with his son. It was his choice. That made Brian cringe. She was right. He would love to spend more time with Gus; he just couldn’t risk hurting his son. That, he could never survive.

Lindsey changed the subject and grilled him about his trip. She was anxious to meet Rena. He was grateful that she was so accepting of his sister, having never known of her before. She told him Gus was excited about meeting his new Aunt. He told her that they would all get to meet her on Tuesday; Justin informed him that Emmett was planning a welcome home party for Rena. At first, he objected. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized it was best this way. Rena could meet the gang all in one shot and get it over with. It would give her an opportunity to adjust to her new family. Deb had already adopted her as one of her own, sight unseen.

He then called Mikey who bitched him out big time for not calling him the whole time he was gone. Brian felt a twinge of guilt. If anyone deserved to know how things went in New York, it was Mikey. But Brian didn’t have time to talk to anyone back home during his trip. Between Rena, Justin, and Viv, his time was pretty much monopolized.

He really needed to spend some quality time with his sister. He missed her, and she needed him. Now that they were back, his first priority was finding her a good doctor. He made a mental note to call John in the morning. Remington pharmaceuticals had access to the best doctors in the world through their research department.

He promised Mikey that he would bring Rena around to the diner in the morning. She was taking a later flight and wouldn’t get in until late tonight. Shane had secured a house for them to rent for the winter. He had to admit, she was resourceful. The house was only 15 minutes from the loft. The owners went to Costa Rico every winter. The house was in move in condition. Shane had even hired a staff to make sure all of Rena’s personal needs were there when they arrived, including a stocked kitchen. Brian would take a ride over there later to make sure everything was in order.

Mikey’s anger dissipated at the promise of seeing Rena in the morning. He was dying to see her again.

The last phone call he made was to Daphne. He knew Justin spoke to her before they left. Daphne was the only person, besides Brian, whom Justin confided in. He needed Daphne’s help. He dialed her cell.

“Brian Kinney, twice in a one week? What do I owe this pleasure to?” She answered in her usual sassy self.

“Hello Daphne.” Brian said, mindful of the scolding she gave him last time for not giving her a proper hello.

“When was the last time you talked to Justin?” He asked. He knew Justin talked to a few people during their time in New York, he didn’t know if Daphne was one of them.

“Why is something wrong? Where is he?” She asked worriedly.

“Settle down Daph. He’s fine, he’s sleeping right now.” He informed her.

“Jesus Brian don’t scare me like that! Ethan kicks him out, then you whisk him off to New York, now you call me asking me when the last time I talked to him! What the fuck am I suppose to think?” She fumed.

 

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose trying to stem the headache that was coming on. “Daph, listen to me, are you listening?” Brian tried to get her to focus.

“Yes, I’m listening Brian. Geesh.” She answered.

“I just need to know if Justin talked to you about what he planed to do when he got home.” Brian said.

“Well, no. We didn’t talk about it. I just assumed he was moving back in with you. Shit, don’t tell me you’re kicking him out too!” She accused.

“No Daph, I am not kicking him out too! When the fuck did I ever kick Justin out?” Brian bit out irritated. God she could be so frustrating. He could see why they were best friends. Justin could be just as frustrating.

“Then what’s the problem?” She asked.

“The problem is I think he’s thinking of asking you if he can stay with you.” Brian informed her.

“Did he say that? He hasn’t asked me, but he knows he doesn’t have to. He’s always welcome to come stay here.” She replied.

“He didn’t say anything, but I know how Justin thinks. If I ask him to move back in, he’ll think I’m doing it because I feel responsible for his current “homeless” state. And once Justin gets something in his head, it’s near impossible to make him see other wise.” Brian told her.

“Yeah, your right about that. So I assume you want him to move back in.” She stated.

Brian sighed. “Gee Daph, I always knew you were a smart girl. Figured that out on your own did you?” He replied sarcastically.

“Duh. No need to get snarky with me! So what do you want me to do?” She asked.

“I want you to come here to get him.” Brian said.

“What? Ok Brian, you lost me there. I thought you wanted him “there”?” Daphne sounded confused.

“I do. Listen, if you come to the loft to get him, then I can ask him to stay here and he’ll know I’m not doing it out of any obligation. He’ll know that “I” know he has other options. He’ll believe that my motives are pure. Now this will only work if he thinks you came on your own accord, that is why I asked when was the last time you talked to him, I need to know if he told you when we were getting in.” Brian asked

“Oh, I see. He called me last night and told me you guys were coming in early this morning.” She informed him.

“Good, that works. So can you get your pretty ass here in about an hour?” Brian asked.

“Sure Brian. I’ll play along. But you can’t make him, or me believe your motives are ever pure!” She laughed.

 

Brian groaned. “Just make sure you don’t screw up Daph, ok?” He asked.

“Don’t worry Brian. I won’t. And for the record, I’m glad you guys are back together.” She said.

“Me too Daph. See you later.”

“Later.” She said and hung up. Brian shut his cell off and went to lie down with Justin.

 

He stretched out beside him and draped his arm over his body, pulling him in. He really didn’t want to have to wake him up when Daphne came, but it was necessary. He knew his blonde. He knew he was worried about what would happen when they got back home. They were barely back together a week and a lifetime of events had fallen upon them. They needed time together, but unfortunately time was going to be so scarce the next few weeks, possibly months. Making time for each other was going to be a challenge. If they lived apart it would only make it that much more difficult.

Truth was, Brian wanted, needed Justin near him. More then ever now he needed the security of his partner. Justin grounded him when his world spun out of control, as it so often did. Brian ached deeply when Justin left him for Ethan. He was lost with out him, he admitted to himself. Justin had embedded himself so deep into Brian’s soul that he couldn’t imagine a time when Justin wouldn’t be there. Fuck he hated feeling this way. He had no illusions that he could be the kind of man that Justin deserved. But he was a selfish prick. He was not going to give him up.

Justin shifted his body closer to Brian’s. Even in sleep he instinctively reached for his lover. Brian tightened his arm around him and closed his eyes. He wanted him so bad right now, but he couldn’t take him. If he did, then when he asked him to stay when Daphne got there, he would think Brian was asking with his dick. Brian couldn’t blame him. He’d spent the last two years sending mixed messages to Justin. Stay, go, stay then go. God what an asshole he’d been. And through it all, Justin loved him. Confused, hurt and all, he never stopped loving him. Brian didn’t deserve it, but he wasn’t going to deny it anymore either. He would do what ever it took, to keep Justin with him.

 

“Briiiii..” Justin yawned sleepily. Brian stirred. He must have fallen asleep. He pulled Justin closer to him, burying himself in is warmth.

“Hmmmmmm… Brian, someone has been banging on the door for awhile now, doesn’t look like they’re going away.” Justin said.

“Brian moaned, forcing his mind to wake. Daphne. The memory came slowly to consciousness.

“Get rid of them, I’m tired.” He said and turned over. Fully awake now.

Justin grumbled and got up to answer the door.

“Ok, already, I’m fucking coming! And not in a good way!” Justin yelled at the door.

He pulled it open and blinked when he saw Daphne.

“Is there a bad way to cum?” She teased, and gave him a big hug.

“Daph! What are you doing here?” Justin said, happy to see his best friend.

“I’m here to take you home silly! What else? I emptied a drawer out, and put fresh linen on the pull out. So where’s your stuff?” She asked.

Justin shook his head. This was unexpected, though he should have known that Daph would anticipate his needs. He told her about Ethan throwing his things out on the streets. She knew how humiliated he was over the whole situation.

He smiled and hugged her tight. He felt like crying, she was the best fucking friend.

“Oh Daph, thank God you're here! You have no idea how much I love you right now.” He whispered in her ear.

Unfortunately, Brian heard him and his heart clenched. Justin WANTED to go with Daphne. He didn’t want to be here, at the loft with him. Brian’s mind couldn’t grasp it, worse, his heart rebelled against it and anger seeped into him.

“Going somewhere Sunshine?” He bit out caustically.

Justin turned around stunned. He didn’t realize Brian was right behind him.

Daphne looked past Justin to Brian, this was not going as expected.

Justin saw the pain and anger in Brian’s eyes. Shit, Brian probably thought he asked Daphne to come and get him. Fuck, fuck! The last thing he wanted was for Brian to think he was leaving him again without telling him. He would feel betrayed all over again.

“Brian, I didn’t know Daphne was coming, I swear.” He said.

“Does it matter?” He bit out.

Ok, this was not going well Daphne thought.

“Hey, it looks like you guys need to talk. Tell you what, why don’t I just make myself scarce and you can call me later Justin. Um, when things calm down.” She said nervously as she backed out of the loft.

“Now behave you two!” She called from the hallway and shut the door behind her.

Justin turned to say goodbye, but she was already gone. He stood staring at the closed door, wishing he could disappear into the floor right now.

“So why are you still here? Go “HOME.” Brian snarled out the word “home.” His tone bitter.

Justin recoiled at Brian’s words.

“Stop it Brian.” Justin turned to face him.

“Stop what?" Brian scoffed.

“I’m not stopping you from anything. It’s very clear where you want to be. So fucking go!”

Brian was in a rage. He went over to the kitchen and pulled down his Beam. Thank God for tried and true friends he thought. Beam never let him down. He opened the bottle and drank straight from it.

Justin was shocked at the level of Brian’s anger. He knew he must have sounded relieved to see Daphne, why shouldn’t he be relieved? It wasn’t as if Brian had asked him to move in with him. Justin was very in tuned to Brian’s feelings most of the time, but he wasn’t a fucking mind reader!

“You have to be the most maddening person on the face of the earth!” Justin declared exasperated.

“What the fuck do you expect from me? I have NO PLACE to live! Of course I was thrilled that SOMEBODY cared enough to offer me a place to stay!” Justin spat at Brian.

“Fuck you Justin! You KNOW I expected you to move back in. Don’t give me your bullshit. If I asked you to move back in you would have said no.” Brian accused. His eyes blazing into Justin’s, daring him to deny it.

“Well there is the key word, isn’t it?” Justin said. “Expected. While you were making YOUR plans for me to move back in, did you consult me? ” He asked.

Brian made a frustrated sound. “ And if I did? What would have said?”

 

Justin was cornered. Brian was right. Sometimes Brian was just as “on to him” as he was to Brian. His temper deflated a bit.

“You’re right. I would have said no.” He admitted

Brian gave him a triumphant look. God Justin hated that. Nothing was worse than Brian’s “I’m never fucking wrong” attitude.

 

“ But I would have said no because you have enough to deal with right now in your life without feeling obligated to me. Rena should be your first concern.” Justin said.

Brian snorted and put the bottle of Beam down hard on the counter. He walked over to Justin and stood in front of him. So close he could feel Justin’s breath quicken.

“We.” He said, his voice low and even.

Justin looked at him questioningly.

Brian sighed. “WE have enough to deal with. Or are you bailing on me?” He paused, and then added. “Again”

 

Justin’s heart dropped. Ok, this was obviously not over. Brian still held resentment over Justin leaving him. This was a conversation long over due.

 

Brian hated these kinds of conversations, but he was going to have to endure this one. They were not going to move forward until they settled the past.  
In for a penny, in for a dime as they say. Justin decided it was time to put all the cards on the table.

He squared his shoulders and looked directly into Brian’s eyes.

“It’s time, actually way past time some things were made clear.” Justin began

“I don’t mind you tricking Brian, honest to God I understand you need to, but what I do mind is you throwing it in my face. It’s disrespectful to me. And unnecessary. It took me a long time to understand that there are things you want, and things you need. And you “need” to trick. I get it. One day I hope you won’t need to anymore. I hope that there will come a time when all you “want”, is all you’ll ever need. But that time is not now.”

Justin paused, taking in Brian’s reaction. He stood there, holding his gaze. Something odd flickered in his eyes. Justin couldn’t quite make it out. He went on.

“Last time I moved in, we made rules. I think we both know rules are bullshit. Life has a way of changing the rules on us. I don’t want rules. And I don’t need them. What I “need” is for you to stop trying to control us, and just let us happen. What I “need” is for you to stop bringing home tricks for me. If I want to trick with you, which I’m sure I will from time to time, I will let you know.   
What I “need” is for you to forgive me for leaving you.   
What I “need” is for you to understand that your actions cause a reaction from me, and that sometimes you are going to get exactly what you ask for.  
And most importantly, what I “need” if for you to just simply love me, and stop worrying about whether that is a good thing, or a bad thing. It is, what it is. We both know we have no choice in the matter.  
Meeting you was fate, becoming friends, was a choice we both made, but falling in love, was something neither of us had control over.”

There it was. Everything was out on the table. Justin prayed Brian would accept his feelings, and hoped, with any luck, and maybe a little Divine intervention, he would share some of his own.

Brian cleared his throat suspiciously. He averted his eyes and turned away from Justin. He walked to the kitchen counter and kept his back to him. Justin could feel his vulnerability seeping in. These emotional talks were murder on him. Dear God please don’t let him turn away from me now.. he silently prayed. A very long silence ensued. Justin stood there waiting, every nerve in his body taut. The silence was so profound, that Justin physically shook with relief when Brian finally spoke.

“What I “want”, Brian whispered, his back still to Justin. “Is for you to move back in.” It was painful, but he needed to say this, and he needed Justin to hear him.

“What I “want” is for us to deal with our problems together.” He took a deep steadying breath.

“What I “want” is for you to understand that sometimes I “need” to take care of you. It makes me feel worthy of your love.” God he sounded like some pathetic lesbianic twat. But Justin deserved to hear the truth.

He turned to face Justin. He saw, exactly what he expected to see. All the love they had together was there in Justin’s eyes.

“What I “want”, He said looking into his lovers eyes, “and what I “need” is you.”

Justin lost it. He cried out and ran into Brian’s arms. Brian held him tight, his own tears threatening to spill over.

“I thank God every night for leading me to that lamppost that night.” Justin cried into Brian’s neck.

Brian chocked back his tears and squeezed Justin tight. “Me too Sunshine, me too.”

 

Brian’s emotions were taking a toll on him. His body reacted instinctively.  
He grabbed a handful of Justin’s shirt from behind and pulled him up for a long, hard kiss. Justin drank Brian in hungrily. He reached up and grabbed Brian’s hair, holding on to him. Their passion descended on them hard and fast.  
It took them both by surprise.

They sank to their knees and ripped at each other’s clothes. A frantic fever burned through them. Their need for each was so great their bodies shook with it.

Brian ripped at Justin’s pants, desperate to get at his cock. Justin helped him, panting with his need. Brian kissed his way down Justin’s body until his mouth reached its destination. He took Justin into his mouth and greedily sucked him in.

Justin’s breath caught in his throat, his back arched, his heart pounded loudly.

Brian lifted Justin’s ass up and swallowed him, moaning deeply as he moved his mouth up and down Justin’s cock. He savored the taste of him, the feel of his skin against his tongue. Selfishly he worked Justin’s cock with his mouth. His desire drove him. He felt Justin’s cock pulse; he knew he was ready to cum. Hard and fast. Brian released Justin. Justin cried out in frustration.

Brian moved back up and kissed him. His mouth worked fervently over Justin’s. He lowered his hand to Justin’s cock and ran his finger over the tip, coating it with Justin’s pre-cum. He squeezed the tip of Justin’s cock, forcing more of the sweet juice to come out. Justin moaned deeply into Brian’s mouth. Brian brought his cum coated fingers up and slipped them in between their mouths.

His tongue mingled with Justin’s around Brian’s fingers as they both sucked and licked the juices off of Brian’s fingers. Brian ran his finger along the inside of Justin’s bottom lip, forcing his mouth to open wider, he then ran his tongue along the same path his finger traveled.

Justin was swimming in a place were nothing but feeling mattered. His world at that moment was Brian. The air he breathed was Brian. The sweat on his skin was Brian. The bone deep passion engulfing his every nerve was Brian.

“God, pleasee.. Brian take me now, please…” He whimpered

Brian heard his lover, and reacted. He reached into pocket of his discarded pants and pulled out a condom and a packet of lube.

He ripped both open with astounding speed. He readied Justin for him, and then slipped the condom on. He hastily threw Justin’s legs over his shoulders and entered him with one swift steady stroke.

Justin gasped. Brian wasn’t to be stopped though. He relentlessly pounded into Justin. Crazed with a fevered passion he never felt before.

On the third stroke, Justin came violently. His fingers dug deep into Brian’s forearms. His cock pulsated against Brian’s stomach. His balls tightened, and then, with out warning, his cum sprang from his body ferociously. The force of it was so strong it hurt. Justin hissed at the pleasure/pain and pulled Brian into him deeper. Brian rode him hard.

Justin emptied his seed and soul onto Brian. Covering them both with his hot, thick fluid. Brian reached between them and gathered the fruits of his labor. He then brought his hand up and spread the sweet nectar over Justin’s face. He bent over and licked it off, running his tongue up Justin’s jaw to his cheek, to his nose. He repeated this action. Covering all of Justin’s body with the evidence of their union. Justin was drowning in it and Brian licked every inch of him.

Justin felt another orgasm creeping up on him. It was too soon, he knew. His eyes flew open, confusion evident in them. He looked up at Brian. Brian sensed Justin’s uncertainty.

“Easy….” He whispered. “You’re having another orgasm too soon after your first. It might hurt a little. But it will also feel good. Just let it take you Justin, don’t fight it. It’s called a dry cum. “ He tried to sooth his lover.

Justin trusted Brian, he held on tight and clamped down on Brian’s cock. Brian threw his head back and moaned loudly, his orgasm rippled through him.

Justin felt his own body tense; he pulled Brian down to him, afraid to let go. Brian, caught in his own orgasm, sensed Justin’s need and gathered him in his arms. As he pulsed his orgasm deep into Justin, he guided him through his own orgasm, whispering soothing, loving words into his ear.

Justin’s body shook with his second orgasm. It was an odd feeling. He felt a deep need to relieve himself, but there was nothing to relieve. It was excruciatingly frustrating, and extremely erotic at the same time.

Their bodies locked together as they let their orgasms rip through their bodies. They were one in that moment. Each, dependant upon the other.

Slowly, they came back to earth. Spent, their bodies covered in sweat and cum. Their breathing erratic. They held each other, sated in the aftermath of their passion.

Brian pulled out of Justin and fell over on his back. Justin groaned in protest at the separation.

Brian threw his arm over his forehead. God this kid was going to kill him he thought.

Justin lay there, trying to get his breathing under control again.

“So you’re staying?” Brian asked.

Justin laughed. “If you need me to.” He said smiling to himself.


	22. The Diner

“My home is not a place, it is people”

~Lois McMaster Bujold.

 

“It suits you.” Rena said sitting in the passenger side of Brian’s corvette.

It was seven a.m. Rena wasn’t use to getting up so early, but today she didn’t mind so much. She was excited to begin her new life.

Shane had rented them a fabulous house. It was a six-bedroom Victorian with exquisite lush gardens, a fountain pergola and separate carriage house which sat on 15 acres.

The house had a master wing which accommodated a separate kitchen that was perfect for James. There was a fully equipped gym, which impressed Brian the most and an atrium that Rena knew Justin would just die over.

Brian took him there last night before she arrived to make sure everything was readied. They both loved the house, but Justin had yet to see the atrium in the morning light. The luminosity of the room was amazing. It was the perfect place to paint. She couldn’t wait till he saw it in the daylight.  
Shane told her the owners were thinking of selling it. She was already in love with the house, she told Shane to jump on it.

Brian had dropped Justin off earlier this morning at the diner to work the breakfast shift before his first class. She was disappointed when Brian showed up at her door with out him. He joked about already losing her loyalty to his blonde. Rena scoffed and slapped him playfully.

She was however pleasantly surprised at how close she and Justin became in such a short period of time. There was a connection between them. It was more then the fact that they both loved Brian; they shared a comfortable friendship, and security with each other.

“Hmm… Did you say something?” Brian asked distractedly.

“Your car Bean? I said it suits you. Is your hearing going? I hear that happens with age. ” Rena teased.

Brian smiled over at her. “This coming from a woman who is only one year younger than me? You know what they say Re, women age faster then men.”

He stopped at a red light and looked over at her intently.

“Are those tiny laugh lines I see around your eyes?” He asked, not able to hide his smirk.

“Ha! Laugh lines my ass! I don’t look a day over 25 and you know it!” Rena huffed indignantly. Brian laughed. Rena was almost as vain as he was.

The light turned green and Brian put the car back in drive.

“I’ll admit, you don’t look your age. Did that plastic surgeon you were dating have anything to do with that?” Brian tactfully segwayed the new topic into the conversation.

Rena sighed. “What the fuck did Viv tell you?” She asked reluctantly.

Brian squinted his eyes at the morning sun and pushed back into his seat signifying he was not comfortable with what he was about to say.

“Just that you gave up a shot at love to come home.” Brian said in a tone that was far more casual than what he was feeling.

“Brian, Viv knows shit about my relationship with Sean. I dumped Sean because he wanted to get married and have kids.” She informed him.

Brian looked over at her. “And you didn’t want to?” He asked.

Rena’s face went cold. She didn’t speak for a few minutes. Brian kept stealing glances at her.

“Well?” He prompted.

“I turned down his marriage proposal because I couldn’t give him what he wanted.” She said, never looking at Brian.

It took Brian all of 30 seconds to understand what Rena was saying.

 

“Jesus Christ Re! Are you sure?” He asked.

“Yes, I’m sure. And if you don’t mind, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Brian knew that tone. Rena was not ready to discuss this with him. He was not going to let it go though; he would address it again at a later time. He couldn’t imagine how she must feel about not being able to have kids. Though they never discussed it, he suspected Rena wouldn’t have minded being a mother. She had a heart as big as a whale. She should be sainted just for taking in Shane! She was a lot like Justin in that way. Care givers. Always wanting to help those unfortunate souls who either didn’t deserve help, or were beyond help.

They rode in silence for awhile.

“Fuck it.” Brian finally said and reached over and grabbed Rena’s hand. He brought it up to his lips and kissed the back of it.

Rena smiled sadly and squeezed his hand. “Yeah, fuck it.” She said.

 

“Mikey calls this car “boyfriend therapy”. Brian said, bringing some levity back into the conversation.

“I bought it when Justin moved out.”

Rena laughed. “Boyfriend therapy! Well being a therapist myself, and knowing how fucked you are, I’d say you got away cheap with the car.” Rena laughed.

Brian shot her a threatening glare that just made Rena laugh harder.

“Yeah, well “He’s” part of the reason I’m so fucked up!” Brian said jokingly.

Rena gave him a playful slap. “You’re so full of shit Bean.” Rena chided lightheartedly. “You’re just frustrated over the fact that you can’t control something.” Rena said with insight. She knew her brother well.

There was some truth to that, Brian acknowledged to himself. Ever since Justin came into his life his world had been turned upside down.

Last night was a turning point in their relationship. Brian was a bit uncomfortable with it, but oddly enough, not in a bad way. He was just unsure of it; never having swam in these uncharted waters before. Andy was his first love. But he never expressed his love to Andy. It belonged to “him.” He was in control of it. He decided to keep it to himself. It was safe to love Andy. Andy never could love him back the way he loved him.

Justin loved him back. And Brian loved Justin in a way that scared the hell out of him. After Andy he swore he would never love again. In truth he didn’t believe he could. But then Justin came along and all bets were off. Brian wasn’t a 13-year-old lovesick boy any more. He was a man, who looked at the world through cynical eyes that came from living a life filled with harsh realities and disappointments. He NEVER imagined that a young, very young, innocent “piece of blonde boy ass” could challenge every belief he ever had about life and love.

From that first night he was hooked. The little shit knew it too. He wouldn’t give up no matter how many times Brian pushed him away. Each time he latched onto Brian, Brian would buck him off, but Justin would just get back on the wild mustang, which Brian was. Wild untamed and unfettered. The boy took him on bravely, recklessly, knowing, or maybe not knowing, the danger he flirted with.

Ah, but the ride was worth it Brian thought. “Nothing worth having comes easy.” Those were Andy’s words to him, and Andy was never wrong. Easy, was not a word Brian would use to describe his and Justin’s relationship. Rena was right; it frustrated the hell out of him that he had no control over their relationship. He wondered though if given the chance, would he have it any other way?

 

They pulled up in front of the diner. Brian got out and went around the car to open the door for Rena. She stepped out and looked up and down the street.

“Now I know where Viv found all her ex’s.” She said jokingly. Liberty Avenue was gay central. It was much like Chelsea in NY or WeHo in LA.

Brian laughed. “Welcome home sis.” He said.

She sighed, “Please tell me you have “some” straight friends Brian. I’d like to get laid sometime this century.” She whined

“Pft! Fucking straight people can’t be trusted. There are two types, the ones that hate you to your face, and the ones that hate you behind your back.” Brian said cynically.

“Hmm.. Really? Which category do I fall into?” Rena asked dangerously.

“Family don’t count.” He declared, and then looked contrite for a moment, there were some good straight people, he knew. Cynthia was one. John Remington was another. John was the only straight male friend he had. John was different. He reminded himself to call him later.

“Actually, I do have one straight friend.” Brian said.

“Will wonders never cease.” Rena smirked. She looked at the diner.

“Do you think he’ll recognize me?” She asked.

Brian looked her over. 17 years changed a lot. Rena looked particularly stunning today. Her long dark locks hung over her shoulders in silken curls. She wore a cashmere cream-colored turtleneck over dark linen trousers. Thigh high boots with spiked heels rode over her shapely legs. He had to admit, she knew how to put it together, next to his own, her sense of style was impeccable. Gone was the skinny runt, with the dirty knees. This was a confident woman who exuded a sensuality that rivaled his own. God she was going to be trouble he thought. Mikey was going to be in for a surprise.

“Lets find out.” He said and opened the diner door.

 

***********************************************************************

 

“Michael please stop fidgeting. She’ll be here soon.” Ben said soothingly to his partner.

Michael had dragged him to the diner this morning to meet Rena. He wouldn’t let Ben go to the gym, as was his normal routine. He was too nervous about Rena coming home. Ben understood his anxiety.

Michael told Ben all about Rena and their past. He was surprised that he kept it a secret for so long. But it explained a lot. Especially his close relationship with Brian. That was some experience the three of them shared at such a young age.

Ben was excited about meeting her as well. Rena Cardie had survived severe childhood trauma, and was still able to become a very accomplished doctor from all accounts. He looked her up on the Internet. She was a well-respected Genetic Behavioral Scientist and was courted to speak at some of the most prestigious universities in the world. He was impressed, Michael wasn’t. To him, she was just “little” Rena, his childhood friend who he formed a bond with that was still, from all evidence, very strong.

Justin walked over to the table and placed the plate of pancakes in front of Michael.

“Thanks.” Michael said. Things between them were still a little strained. Michael hadn’t had a chance to talk to Justin since he and Brian got back together. Michael made it clear to Justin how he felt about him hurting his best friend when they broke up. While everyone was sympathizing with Justin, Michael knew how hurt Brian was over Justin leaving him. And he was angry with him for hurting Brian. But he also knew that Brian loved Justin, and it was becoming clear, that their relationship was special.

Justin smiled knowingly at him. “She is just as nervous about seeing you again too.” He assured Michael. Michael smiled weakly up at him.

“Thanks Justin.” He said. Even though Michael had been giving him shit, Justin was being nice to him.

Justin nodded and went back to work.

“Justin wait.” Michael called out and got up from the booth. He approached Justin.

“Can we talk for a minute?” He asked.

Justin looked around the diner. Everyone was served, he could spare a few minutes. “Sure.” He said.

“Hey Deb, I’m taking five, ok?”

“Sure thing Sunshine! I got it covered.” Debbie answered.

Justin led Michael out back. It was chilly this morning, neither had their coats.

“Bad idea.” Justin joked as he started rubbing his arms vigorously trying to get some warmth into them.

“Yeah.” Michael laughed, as he followed suit.

“Listen, I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry for giving you so much shit over Brian.” Michael began.

Justin laughed. “No you’re not Michael.” He said.

Michael looked stricken. But he couldn’t deny it.

“You’re right. I’m not. Brian is like my brother; it hurts me when he’s hurt. And you hurt him Justin.” He said.

“I know Michael and I’m sorry. Brian is your best friend, you’ve always been loyal to him. And that’s ok. In fact, it’s better than ok. You stuck with Brian, when everyone else turned against him. Everyone always thinks Brian is the shit, and truth is, most the time he is. But you know what? I fuck up sometimes as well. And leaving him the way I did was fucked.” Justin admitted.

He moved closer to Michael, so he could see the seriousness in his expression over what he was about to say next.

“Believe it or not, I was very pleased that you stood by him. I love him Michael. More than you or anyone can imagine. I know it’s difficult for people to understand our relationship. Hell, it’s difficult for us to understand! But Brian and I are destined to be together. Despite all the obstacles that are thrown in our path. We’ll always’ find our way back to each other.” Justin said with strong conviction.

Michael looked shocked. He always saw Justin as an obsessed, annoying twink who wouldn’t leave Brian alone. Even after Justin’s bashing, Michael thought Brian only let him stay with him out of guilt. He saw Justin as trouble and pain for Brian. But now, he realized, the boy, no, young man, in front of him was no twink. He was a man very much in love with his best friend. Only someone in love with Brian could understand and appreciate Michael’s loyalty to Brian. Justin and he always saw each other as threats. But now, there was an understanding being formed between the two. It wasn’t about who Brian loved, but who loved Brian. And they both did. There never should have been a wedge between them; there should have been a friendship.

“I don’t know what say Justin. Other than I was so wrong about you.” Michael’s eyes watered.

Justin smiled at him. “If it’s any consolation, I was wrong about you too. What you did for Brian when you were kids, well, that was love. Taking care of him, and his sister. I owe you Michael. If you weren’t there for him back then, he might not be here for me now.” Justin said.

 

“You know Louis, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” Michael said quoting a line from Casablanca, in his best Bogart imitation.

Justin laughed and gave him a hug.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, the apocalypse must be coming if you two are hugging!” Brian said standing behind them, holding the back door open.

Justin released Michael and looked at Brian. Brian stepped aside and Rena came walking out from behind him.

Michael let out an excited scream. “RENA!”

He ran over to her.

Well, that answered that question, Brian thought. He recognized her.

Rena laughed and opened her arms wide to receive Michael. They were nearly the same height and Michael almost knocked her over. They stood there hugging and rocking back and forth. Michael lifted Rena off the ground and spun her. Rena was giddy. The scene was very touching. Of course Brian sighed in irritation over the whole display.

He walked over to Justin. “You’re freezing, why are you out here without a coat?” He chided as he wrapped his arms around Justin.

Justin was smiling; his eyes shone with emotion over Rena and Michael’s reunion.

“Don’t tell me you’re not affected by that!” Justin teased Brian.

“Please, they’re both acting like a couple of lesbians. In public no less.” He made a disapproving noise.

Justin laughed. It was not a good time to remind him of his own emotional reunion with his sister.

Brian took his Armani wool coat off and threw it around Justin’s shoulder.

“Should I be worried? My best friend and my partner hugging? What the fuck was that all about?” Brian asked.

“Just mending fences. Michael and I had a conversation that was long over due.” Justin said.

“You should quit while you’re ahead. The next person you think you need to have a long over due conversation with might not take so kindly to it.” Brian teased.

“Come on, it’s too cold for you to be out here with out a jacket lets go in.” Brian turned Justin towards the door.

“You think we can get past those two?” He asked.

“They have to detach at some point I suppose.” Brian drawled.

Rena pulled back from Michael, held his face in her hands, and gave him a big kiss on the mouth. Justin laughed. It was exactly like the kiss Brian gave Michael when he wanted him to shut up.

“God I missed you Mikey!” She said breathlessly.

“Welcome home Rena!” Michael squealed.

“Come on you two, inside, it’s freezing out here.” Brian commanded.

They piled back into the diner.

Justin went behind the counter to help Debbie. “Sorry Deb.” He said as he picked some plates up from the counter. “Did you meet Rena?” He asked.

“Sure did Sunshine! She’s fucking gorgeous isn’t she! Of course she is. All my kids are gorgeous!” Debbie was red with excitement. She went back around the counter to engulf Rena in another hug.

“Ummfpt…. Rena squeaked out as Debbie squeezed her in a big bear hug.

“Jesus Deb give the girl some air. You’ve attacked her twice now. She got it, you’re happy she’s here.” Brian said as he slid into the booth.

“Shut up asshole.” Debbie shot at him. “You’ve kept this girl from me for too long! She’s got a lot of hugs coming.”

Rena laughed. She liked Debbie. She saw her a few times from a distant when she was a kid. She always liked her flamboyant look, and it was nice to see her personality matched her style.

“Don’t mind him Mrs. Novotney. He never did appreciate a good hug. Fortunately I do!” She said and hugged the woman back.

Debbie laughed and squeezed. “And enough of this Mrs. Novotney shit. I’m just plain old Deb.”

“Who makes the best lasagna in the world if my memory serves me right.” Rena declared.

Debbie put her hands to her chest and choked back some tears. “I can’t believe you remember my lasagna! Dear child, I wish I could have done more.” She was getting emotional.

“Deb, please, don’t. You did so much. Your son helped save my life. You raised him well. You should be very proud.” Rena said with all sincerity.

Michael was standing next to Deb. She looked at him then pinched his cheek. “Yeah, I’m pretty proud of this one.” She said.

She sniffed back her tears and straightened her shoulders. “You’re too skinny girl, I’m going to get you a plate of pancakes.” Debbie said as she hurried off to place the order.

“Um, hello, what about me?” Brian barely croaked out when Justin showed up with a cup of coffee and a muffin. Brian smiled up at him.

“Thanks Sunshine. If it were up to “her” I’d starve to death!” Brian carped.

Justin leaned over and whispered in his ear. “Oh you don’t ever have to worry about starving Bri, you ingest enough protein to keep you going for a very long time.” He teased.

“Brat.” Brian said and playfully pushed him away.

“What time is your first class?” Brian asked.

“Not for another hour. “ Justin replied then hurried away when he heard the bell for the next order ring.

Rena slid into the booth next to Brian and Michael slid in besides Ben. They were beaming. Brian snorted and took a sip of his coffee.

“Ben, THIS, is the famous Rena!” Michael made the introductions. Ben reached over to shake Rena’s hand. She ignored his hand. Instead she leaned over the table and gave him a big kiss on the mouth, just like the one she gave Michael outside.

“Nice to meet you handsome.” She said and winked at him before sitting back down next to Brian.

 

Ben was a little stunned, but pleased with her greeting.

“Fuck Bean, you never told me he was so hot!” Rena elbowed Brian lightly.

“Didn’t know you were interested in hot gay men sis.” Brian quipped.

“Um, I see the resemblance Brian. She is definitely your sister!” Ben said.

Michael laughed. “Rena, what are you doing today? Come spend the day with me in my shop! We can catch up.” Michael said excitedly.

“She’s coming to the office with me today.” Brian announced. Michaels smile faded.

Rena huffed. “Come on Bean! Let me go play in Mikey’s comic store! I’ll come by Kinnetik later. You had four phone calls from Ted this morning already. You’re going to be buried in work for awhile. I’ll stay with Mikey, this way you can work with out having to entertain me. Besides, you know I’ll only cause trouble if I’m left to my own devices.” She smiled impishly at him.

Brian sighed. She was right. She would be bored at Kinnetik. He did have a lot of business to catch up on. And knowing Rena, she would undoubtedly cause trouble at work.

“Fine. I’ll call you later. You can go play with Mikey and Captain Astro. Just don’t be warping the poor boy’s mind with your “straight” fantasies about the good old Captain.” Brian warned.

Michael sucked his breath in. “Say it ain’t so Rena!” He laughed.

“Hey, you have your fantasy, I have mine.”

“Who’s having fantasies about who?” Deb came over with a big plate of pancakes and placed it in front of Rena.

Rena wasted no time in digging in. Brian scrunched his nose at her gluttonous display.

“Rena’s having sexual fantasies about Captain Astor, and apparently about blueberry pancakes. For God sakes Rena, you’re not at the troth. Slow down.”

“Fuck you Bean.” Rena said between a mouth full of pancakes. “I haven’t fucking eaten since yesterday afternoon.” She looked up at Deb, a soulful look in her eyes.

“He doesn’t feed me Deb.” She said and sniffed for affect.

Michael and Ben laughed. Brian groaned.

“I’m not surprised. Look at him! Never eats himself. And he starves my poor Sunshine as well!” Deb accused.

Rena laughed. “Did I mention he beats me too?” Rena said all innocently.

Deb laughed. “Ok child, there is only so much bullshit I can stand in one day. God she “is” your sister, no mistaking that!” Deb said.

“Eat your pancakes and save the drama for the queens honey. They love that shit.”

Deb leaned over and pinched Rena’s cheek affectionately then went back to work.

Brian stuck his tongue out at Rena. “Got your number doesn’t she.” He laughed.

“Asshole.” Rena mumbled then went back to her pancakes.

“Ok boys and girls. Some of us have to work for a living.” Brian said as he pushed Rena gently to get up so he could slide out of the booth.

“Mikey, I’ll call you later.” He said before leaning down to kiss Rena on the cheek.

“Behave.” He whispered to her.

He stood up and faced Ben. “Watch these two Ben. They are hell together.” He teased.

“They’ll be fine Brian. Don’t worry. I gave Michael strict orders. He’s not to go near a bottle of dye.” They all laughed. Michael told Ben about the time he attempted to dye Rena’s hair red and it turned green.

“Hey, I still owe you for that!” She threatened.

“No dye Rena!” Brian ordered laughing.

“And don’t forget James is picking up a car for you today. I’ll call him and give him directions to the store.” Brian reminded Rena.

“Great, Mikey will get to meet him.” Rena said.

“You mean I’ll finally get to meet the mysterious James? I can’t believe he’s still with you Rena.” Michael said.

“James is family Michael.” Brian declared, giving no quarter for any disagreement.

Michael looked at Brian understanding. James was important to Rena, and that meant he was important to Brian.

“Of course, he’s been with her for 17 years now.” Michael agreed.

Rena reached over and patted Michael’s hand. “You’ll love him Mikey. He’s as hot as Ben.” She said and winked.

“Hey, don’t go liking him too much now!” Ben warned teasingly.

Michael leaned over and kissed him. “As if I could!” He assured his partner.

Brian sighed and picked up his coat.

“Play nice now kiddies.” He said and left the table.

He stopped by the register to pay, and to talk to Justin.

“Call my car service to take you to school. They have your name on my account.” Brian told him.

“I can take the bus.” Justin protested.

I know you can, but if you don’t take the car service, you’ll force me to interrupt work and come back to drive you myself. So do me this favor, ok?” He said then reached over to kiss Justin on the mouth before he could protest.

Justin moaned. “Ok, you win. I’ll call.”

“Good boy.” Brian said and kissed him again. He put his coat on and walked to the door. He opened it then, turned back around again.

“By the way,” He called to Justin. Justin looked up from the register.

“I have a surprise for you tonight.” He said and left the diner.

Justin watched him leave. A puzzled look crossed his face. A surprise from Brian Kinney? Hmmm…. Knowing Brian’s history when it came to “surprises’ for Justin. This could be very good, or very bad.

Justin crossed his fingers and went back to work.


	23. Reconnecting

"Dear God, let me know within my heart When I am right; Let it be the balm to soothe my deepest pain; Let me know the truth and speak it, When to hold would bring me gain; Dear God, let me truly know myself And have the inside strength to accept it."

~ Elias Penn-Smith

 

“Oh no you didn’t!” Michael said laughing.

Rena and he had spent the morning in Michaels comic book store regaling each other with tales of their youth. Rena took great pleasure in shocking him with tales of her exploits during her wild college years. Michael found himself blushing at more than one accounting.

Michael in turn told Rena of many of his and Brian’s wild adventures. Michael filled her in on all of Brian’s exploits during the past 6 years.

She loved hearing how her brother conquered Liberty Avenue and was legendary not only in this town, but in some other parts of the world as well. Like Ibiza. She partied there herself on one or two occasions. It was decadent. She had no doubt Brian felt right at home there.

Rena wasn't surprised at Brian’s legendary status. Even when they were kids in New York, Brian was the coolest kid in the neighborhood. He was a star athlete. Popular with the girls, much to his dismay, and had a worldliness, that unfortunately, came from tricking at night for Andy. No one knew of course, but it made him appear much more older then his young years. Everyone wanted to be Brian Kinney. Little did they know how much it cost to be Brian Kinney.

‘I sure did!” Rena said, reveling in the sight of Mikey’s face turning beat red.

“How could you! I mean, how bad did it hurt? Do you have scars?” Michael whispered as if the conversation wasn’t suited for “decent” people.

“Fuck yeah it hurt! And I call them battle scars, want to see?”

Michael’s face registered shock at the suggestion.

Rena rolled over on her side laughing. They were sitting on the floor going through a new shipment.

Michael shook his head. “Why did you do it?” He asked.

Rena tilted her head in thought. Good question she thought.

“Well, because I wanted to experiment. You have to understand the field of study I was in. It intrigued me. Human beings are so complex. Human behavior patterns have been the topic of discussion and debates amongst scientists for years. I felt that a little experimentation was in order. Most scientists study other subjects from the safety of their labs. I decided to go into the field and study up close.” Rena tried to explain

 

As a student, she explored “deviant” human behaviors. She immersed herself into underground cultures that were not accepted by “normal” society. She wanted to learn why these people choose, or if it were a choice, to live these lifestyles. If she looked deeper, she would see that what she was really trying to do was understand the source of her own father’s abhorrent deviant behavior.

She spent a year cultivating herself in the S&amp;M lifestyle. Not the “spice up my sex life” kind of S&amp;M. She communed with authentic Masochists and Sadists. Their “need” to give and receive pain went beyond sexual. Most experts considered it a psychological condition. Much like Self-mutilation disorder, or BID, Body Integrity Disorder, only to a considerable lesser degree.

Michael gave her a disbelieving, confused look. “So you’re saying that you let some guy tie you to a post and flog you for scientific purposes?”

Rena shrugged. “At first it was purely for research purposes. But then it became addicting.” Rena admitted to Michael. Brian and James were the only other people who knew about that time in her life.

“Pain is addicting?” Michael chuckled and shook his head. “I don’t understand.” He said.

“Did you ever hear of self mutilation? Or more commonly known as “cutters”. Rena asked him.

“Yeah, I have. Ben told me knows of a few students at the University that do that. It’s just sick Rena!”

Rena smiled. “As a therapist, I wouldn’t call it “sick” Mikey. What it is, is a mechanism some people use to deal with intense emotional pain. When the pain inside becomes too great they have to find a way to alleviate it. Physical pain is often used to stimulate the release of emotional pain. It is quite common. Most people do it, just not to the extreme of cutters, or those in the S&amp;M lifestyle.” She explained.

“Most people don’t do it Rena. You’ve just been treating sickos’ for too long. You need to get out more.” Michael joked and got up to put some comic books away.

“Really? What do you think alcoholism or drug abuse is about Mikey?” She countered. “Or sex addiction?” Rena was hitting close to home. She just described her and Brian’s own dysfunctional behaviors. Each were still dealing with their emotional childhood traumas with drugs, booze and sex. She understood why Brian did it; she had no excuse for herself. She KNEW better. But refused to get help.

“People use those methods to dull emotional pain. It is a form of physical abuse. Does it make them “sickos”?” She retorted, defensively.

Michael looked over at her apologetically. “I’m sorry Rena. I didn’t mean to imply anything. No one knows better than me how Brian deals with his pain. I’ve been watching him for years bury himself in men, drugs and booze. I just never knew you were having the same trouble dealing.” He said.

“We lived the same life Mikey. You have no idea how bad it was for us before we came to Pittsburgh. It’s nothing either of us has been able to come to terms with. I’m hoping, that now I’m back home, we can deal with it together.” Rena confided in Michael.

“God Rena, I hope so.” Michael paused and looked down, as if deciding whether or not he should entrust his thoughts. Rena saw his uncertainty and got up from the floor. She walked over to door and locked it, turning the open sign around so it read closed. Then she went to him and embraced him.

“What is it Mikey?” She murmured encouragingly into his ear.

Michael started to cry. “Jesus Rena, I thought I was going to lose him when you left.” He confessed. Rena held him tighter and gently rocked him in her arms.

“Shhh.. You didn’t lose him, that’s what matters.” Rena comforted.

“When he came back from rehab, I didn’t recognize him. He lived with us for a while. I wouldn’t let him out of my sight. I was so afraid he was going to.. well.. I can’t even say it!” Michael blurted out.

Seems like Brian and her weren’t the only ones still suffering from past wounds. Rena just listened, and held on. It was painful for her to hear this. Viv had told her about Brian’s stint in rehab, but Mikey had first hand knowledge of how bad it was on him. Her heart clenched. There was so much healing they all needed to do.

She sensed something else in him. “Mikey, what is it? It’s more than Brian’s past. What’s troubling you?” She asked.

Michael wiped his tears away and looked at her. She saw such despair in his eyes she wanted to cry herself.

“I love Ben. More than anything. One day I’m going to lose him, and I know I won’t be able to survive that.” Quiet tears were streaming out of his eyes.

Rena held him at arms length and gave him an odd look.

“How do you know that?” She asked.

Michael gave her a disbelieving look. “Rena you know he’s HIV positive!”

“Yes, I know that. But how do you know you are going to lose him? I mean, you might go before he does Mikey. Did you ever think of that?” She said matter of factly.

He looked stunned. She sighed.

“Mikey, listen to me, are you listening?” She asked.

He nodded his head.

“I’m a doctor. I’ve seen more terminal cases than you can ever imagine. AIDS, Cancer, Leukemia, you name it. I can’t tell you how many times patients have made liars of doctors! A Doctor tells a patient that they won’t live 6 months, and four years later that same patient is still alive. Truth is, we all are dying. But only God knows when and where. No doctor can predict that to a certainty. Hell Mikey, you could be struck by lightening, or get hit by a car way before Ben leaves this earth! God forbid! But it’s the truth.”

She smiled at him when she saw he was grasping what she was saying.

“You shouldn’t be worried about how long someone is going to live. You should be worrying about how well someone IS living.” She declared.

Michael smiled a teary smile at her. “You know Rena, I never looked at it like that. But you are right. I treasure every minute I have with Ben. I have to concentrate on that.” He said.

“Good. When it comes down to it Mikey, all we really have is the moment. Don’t ever take that for granted.” Rena said.

“I know you’re right.” Michael agreed. “Still…”

“What?” Rena asked.

“It does make me sad, that Ben and I can’t be, well, you know, closer.” Michael blushed.

Rena was confused. “Closer?” She ventured.

Michael was beet red. “Yeah, you know, CLOSER????” He said begging her with his eyes NOT to ask him to explain.

She stared at him for a moment, and then it hit her. She threw back her head and laughed.

Michael was not amused. “NOT funny Rena! It’s something Ben and I will never share!” He huffed.

“See, there you go again Mikey. Looking at what you don’t have, or what “might” happen, instead of living and enjoying what’s right in front of you. So you can’t bare back? But what can you do? What does a blind man do when he can’t see? He learns to use his other senses, that’s what he does.” She informed him.

Michael made a face. “Nothing can be more intimate than bare backing.” Michael said sadly.

Rena sighed. “You know for a fag you know shit about cock worship. Have you talked to Brian about this?” She asked.

“NO!” I couldn’t!” Michael exclaimed.

“Mikey, there is NOTHING more intimate than cock worshiping. Your mouth, your fingers, your skin, your eyes, your mind honey, all are involved in cock worshiping. Not just your ass! You have your man’s cock, right there in front of you, and you are worried about having it up your ass without a condom? Come on. Be imaginative. Give me your hand.” She held her hand out.

Michael put his hand in hers. She brought his fingers up to her mouth.

“Did you know one of the most sensitive nerves in your body is right here in your finger tips?” She said then darted her tongue out to lick Michael’s fingertip.

Michael sucked his breath in.

“The fingertips have many nerves and are responsive to very light touches, like the brushing of a tongue or light fingernail or teeth stroking. The sides are somewhat less sensitive and more ticklish.” Rena demonstrated by licking the sides of his fingers. Michael laughed.

“Play with his fingers Mikey. Experiment. Then use them same techniques on his cock. Think of the head as being the finger tip, and the shaft as being the sides of his fingers. As long as you don’t have bleeding gums, or sores. You’ll be safe. Watch those teeth!” Rena said and released his hand.

“Um Geesh Rena, I think I know how to give a blow job! I am queer after all.” Michael said.

“I’m not talking about a mere blow job sweetie. And some of the worse cock suckers are queer. Ask Bean. He’ll tell you.” Rena asserted.

Michael laughed. Only Brian could get bored while he got his cock sucked. There was something to what Rena was saying. Cock worshiping…Hmmm…Micahel was visualizing Ben’s cock in a whole new light.

“The point is when you pine for things you can’t have, you miss the wonders of all the things you already have. Not being able to fuck bare back is a small price to pay for being with the man you love. Trust me, you nor Ben will be thinking about bare backing once you got your cock worshiping technique down!”

Rena pushed her tongue in and out of her cheek, pretending she was sucking a cock and crossed her eyes for efffect.

Michael giggled like a school boy. “You are bad Rena.” He said.

“No sweetie, I’m very, very good.” She winked at him then went to unlock the store door, replacing the open sign.

“Now lets sell some fantasies!” She said.

 

*************************************************************************

 

Brian opened the loft door wearily. It was after 11pm. It had been an agonizing but productive day. Ted handled things very well while he was away, but there were certain things only the boss could deal with.

Ted and Cynthia starting hurling reports at him the minute he walked in his office.   
Ted nailed that Sparkle account, which was no small feat. The competition out there was brutal. Small start up companies like his had to work twice as hard to reel in the bigger accounts. He told Ted he had a bonus coming for that one. Ted beamed. He handed Brian a bunch of papers he needed to sign. One of which was his lease agreement for the loft. It was up for renewal. Brian took the document and made some changes to it then handed it back to Ted and told him to make it happen. Ted looked at the changes, and couldn’t suppress his shock. To his credit, he didn’t comment.

Cynthia was still having issues with the new Art director. Claude was brilliant, but impossible to work with. Brian didn’t know what he was going to do. He needed Claude’s expertise in the Art department, but he also needed a working staff. More than one personnel from that department had threatened to quit. He managed to calm the situation down for the time being. He had a conversation with Claude, who seemed amenable, but Brian knew it wouldn’t last. There was going to be trouble there.

He spent most of the day working on the new Remington account. He called John and set up a meeting to go over the new boards. He also promised him he would play racket ball with him tomorrow afternoon. It would be good time to discuss Rena’s situation with him. Brian needed to find a doctor for Rena, and he would only accept the best. Remington Pharmaceuticals had access to the best. He knew his friend would steer him in the right direction.

Justin had called him around 6 to remind him to eat. Which was a good thing because Brian had forgotten to eat. He had some personal errands to run so he stopped by the diner and grabbed a grilled chicken sandwich in between his stops.

James came by around 8 with Rena and Shane. He bought a 2006 Lexus Hybrid Drive for Rena. They now had transportation. Rena liked the car. Brian was happy. They stopped by his loft before they came to his office. Justin was home. Rena loved the loft. She called it a great fuck pad. He laughed. He couldn’t argue with that. She got to see some of Justin’s paintings. She was amazed at how talented he was. He had given her one of his sketches. He drew it in New York. It was a drawing of her and Brian. She showed it to him. It still amazed him at how good he was. He didn’t know when Justin found the time to draw it.

 

Rena gushed over the architecture of his building. She commented on the subtle beauty of the decor, which was Brian’s own design. She told him he was wasting his talents. He assured her he wasn’t, that his true talents lay in the back room of Babylon. She told him she heard, Mikey gave her a full report. He asked her how things went with Mikey. She was a bit vague, but he assumed things went well. At least her hair was the same color it was when he left her earlier.

 

Rena examined Kinnetik with a critical eye. She went through each department and introduced herself. Brian gave her free reign. He stayed in his office with James. He needed to talk to him about a few things. Shane followed Rena. Taking the opportunity to check out all the hot employee’s.

He told Rena about the trouble he was having with his Art director. Shane offered to go “straighten” him out. He was almost tempted to let her go at him, but decided against it. Claude was bi. The last thing he needed was Shane fucking his Art director.

James was able to do what Brian asked him to do. One less thing to worry about. He sent them all home around 9. They would meet up tomorrow night at Emmett’s big “welcome home” party. It was being held at Anton’s. It was a new café that opened up on Canter Blvd. He heard it was a very trendy place. Emmett’s party planning business was gaining some recognition. Brian was impressed.

He spent the rest of the evening working. And worrying how Justin was going to react to his “surprise”. By 10:30 he had enough. He locked up and drove home.

 

He walked over to the sofa and placed the shopping bag he was carrying down. A tired sigh escaped his lips.

“Rough day?” Justin called from the bedroom. Brian looked over at him. He had that sleepy sexy look about him.

“Hey” He said as he slipped out of his coat. Justin went over to him and rubbed his shoulders.

“Mmmm… That feels good.” Brian said as he threw his head back and closed his eyes.

“Did you eat?” Justin asked.

“What are you now, my fucking mother?” Brian snapped.

Justin could feel the tension in his shoulders. “I’ll take that as a no.” Justin said.

Brian sighed. “I stopped at the diner and had a chicken sandwich, happy?” Brian snapped and walked away from Justin.

Justin picked up on his bad mood the minute he stepped out of the bedroom. When he was like this, it was best to leave him alone. Justin turned around and headed back to the bedroom.

Brian’s voice stopped him. “Don’t go. I need to talk to you.” He said.

Justin turned back around and walked over to the couch.

“Sit” Brian ordered.

“Ok, you’re freaking me out Bri. What’s up?” Justin said as he sat down.

Brian pulled the Minotti leather armchair over to the Italian imported coffee table and sat across from Justin.

He reached into the shopping bag he brought home and pulled out the first item and laid it on the coffee table.

Justin looked at it. It was a cell phone.

“I got your old number back. It wasn’t easy, but the rolodex in my head is getting full. I don’t need to memorize a new number. My cell number is programmed in, as well as my office number. You’ll have to program any other numbers you want in yourself.” Brian said, looking intently at Justin. Waiting for his response.

Justin didn’t say a word. He knew Brian expected him to protest. He didn’t like Brian buying him things. He owed Brian so much already. But the look on Brian’s face told him to just accept this. It was more convenient for Brian if he could get a hold of Justin if he needed him. He picked up the phone and nodded his head in acceptance.

Brian let out a breath. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a second item. It was a wrapped box. He laid it on the table.

Justin stared at it.

“Well, open it.” Brian said.

“What is it?” Justin asked, confused.

“What the fuck does it look like? It’s a present!” Brian bit out.

Justin reached over and opened the box. It was a beautiful blue pull over cashmere sweater. Justin rubbed it against his cheek.

“It’s beautiful Brian, but why?” He asked.

“It’s your birthday present.” Brian said.

Justin looked confused. “My birthday was months ago. Remember? You got me that trick.” Justin said sadly. It was a bad memory. He never told Brian, but it was what prompted their breakup. Brian really broke his heart that day. That was the night Lindsey and Mel took him to see Ethan play. If he hadn’t received Brian’s “gift” that night, he might not have gone back to see Ethan again.

 

“Yeah, well I rather you remember this gift. You didn’t like the other gift I got you.” Brian said. He wanted Justin to understand he heard him last night. He wanted to give Justin what he “needed”.

 

Justin’s eyes got shinny. He reached over and kissed Brian. “Thank you. I love it.” He said with all honesty.

Brian tensed, this next gift wasn’t going to be easy. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a set of keys and laid them on the table.

Justin shook his head vigorously. “No, Brian, I can’t. I won’t let you do this.” He said, somewhat offended. He got up from the couch.

“How could you?! Why do you always think you have to buy me things?” Justin said. He hated feeling like a “kept” man.

Brian knew Justin would react this way.

“Justin, will you calm down and listen to me?” He asked. Justin heard the weariness in his voice. He sat back down in a huff.

“What do you need?” He asked.

Justin looked at him irritated. “I told you want I needed last night.” He responded.

“True. Now what do I need?” He asked.

Justin stared at him, remembering what Brian told him.

“Jesus Brian, you don’t have to buy me things to feel worthy of my love. You need to get over that.” Justin said.

Brian sat back in his chair and made a face. “Really? Ok. Then you need to get over me tricking in front of you.” He threw back.

Justin looked shocked, and hurt. “How can you say that! It’s not the same thing!” He said.

“It is to ME!” Brian was frustrated.

Justin threw up his hands. “You don’t understand.” He said.

“Justin, you need a car. If it’s any consolation, it’s a piece of shit second hand Audi. “ Brian reasoned.

Justin glared at him. “I can get by with out a car Brian. I’ve been doing it for months now.” He said then regretted it the minute the words left his mouth. Shit! Remind him of Ethan, why don’t you.

Brian picked the keys up and threw them at Justin. “You will fucking take the car!” He yelled. “And stop being so fucking selfish!”

“Selfish?!” Justin asked incredulous.

“Yes, selfish! Does it occur to you that I have a lot on my plate right now? I don’t need to be worrying about whether you miss the bus, or get stranded somewhere, or catch fucking pneumonia waiting for a ride out in the cold rain. What if I was at work and needed something from the loft? It would be nice to be able to call and ask you to bring me it over. I swear to God Justin you are being a selfish prick about this.” Brian ranted.

Justin picked up the keys. “If I accept this, will it make you happy?” He asked, putting aside his own feelings. It was obvious, this was important to Brian.

Brian grabbed him by the arm and pulled him towards him. “It would make me happy if you wouldn’t fight me all the time. For someone who claims to be “so on to me” you’re pretty clueless about some things.” He said.

“Brian, I hate feeling like this.” Justin whispered.

“Like what? Like someone whose partner enjoys taking care of him? Justin, don’t you know by now that all I do for you, is really for me? It makes me happy to be able to buy you the things you need. I know money means nothing to you, I accept that. Can’t you accept that success, and the money that comes with it is important to me? I swore a long time ago that I would never have to work the streets again so that the people I loved wouldn’t suffer. I NEVER want to see you go with out Justin. It would kill me. Don’t you understand that?” Brian pleaded with Justin. He needed him to accept this part of him.

 

Justin swallowed hard. His heart ached for Brian. He always knew how important being successful was to Brian, but he didn’t understand where that desire stemmed from. He reacted with out thinking. He just learned a week ago that Brian was forced to prostitute himself at 13. And then at 15, he was living on the streets in New York, strung out and tricking. It was amazing he accomplished so much with a start like that. Justin did feel like a selfish prick. Brian never lied to him. Justin just couldn’t grasp it before. It WAS important to Brian to be able to take care of Justin. It was Justin’s own pride that hurt Brian.

Justin threw his arms around Brian and kissed him. “I’m sorry Bri. You’re right. I do need a car.” He said.

Brian moaned into his mouth and deepened the kiss. He reluctantly pulled away after a few minutes.

“Wait.” He said panting. His desire was mounting. “I’ve got one more thing for you.” He said.

Justin reached up to pull him down for another kiss. “It can wait.” He said and started kissing him again.

Brian gave in and kissed him back fervently. Justin reached for his pants and started to unbuckle his belt.

“Mmmmm….” Brian moaned and pulled his mouth away from Justin’s. He put his hands over Justin’s, stopping him from pulling his pants off.

“We have to do this now Justin. The papers have to be signed by tomorrow.” He said.

Justin furrowed his brow. “What papers?” He asked.

Brian took his hands and led him to couch. He pulled them both down onto it.

“Justin, I want you to promise me something, ok?” Brian asked.

Justin heard the word “promise” and knew Brian was serious. “What?” He asked cautiously.

“I want you to give me the proceeds from the sale of your first painting.” Brian said.

Justin looked surprised. “Um, ok. First painting I sell, you get the proceeds. May I ask why you want it?” He asked.

“Because it will be payment for your half of the loft. Our lease is up for renewal, I had your name added on to it.” Brian said.

Justin sucked his breath in. “Brian, you didn’t! You should have talked to me about this first!” He said still in shock.

“Why? It’s our home, isn’t it? You said something last night that hit home with me. We really have no choice when it comes to us. We, will always be together, in some form or another. But Justin, you know us. I’m sure at some point, it will get rocky again. I can’t promise I won’t fuck up again. I’m going to be under a lot of pressure with Rena here. I have no idea what we are facing with her.” He paused, and sighed deeply.

“I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to leave your own home if things get rough.” He said. “This is your home. If we ever need time away, one of us can go stay with Rena for a while, she’s got six fucking bedrooms in that mansion of hers.” Brian stated.

Justin stared at him, shock evident in his eyes.

“Just sign the papers, then I promise to fuck you into the mattress, ok?” Brian leaned in and gave Justin a hard quick kiss.

Justin mentally shook himself. This was a big step for them. He knew how much Brian loved the loft. Justin never truly felt like it was his home. He doubted having his name on a piece of paper would change that. But it was a start. Brian was meeting him halfway. He couldn’t throw that back in his face.

“I’ll sign the papers Brian. Only if you promise me NOT to give me anything else unless you consult me first, ok?” Justin asked.

Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek and looked at Justin. He wasn’t sure he could make that promise. “How about this, I’ll ask you first, but that doesn’t mean I won’t buy it anyway if you say no.” He asked.

Justin laughed. “You are fucking impossible!”

Brian got up and led him to the bedroom. “What I am, is impossibly hard right now.” He said, then took Justin into the bedroom and did exactly what he promised to do. He fucked Justin into the mattress.


	24. Chilly Winds of Fate

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”

~Mark Twain

 

 

“You’re fucking unbelievable.” John Remington rasped out, sweat pouring down the side of his face.

Brian, bent over, racquet in hand, waited for the volley. He glanced sideways at John and smiled.

“You have no idea how weird that sounds coming from you.” He said laughing, a bit out of breath himself.

John gave him a quizzical look, and then slammed the ball against the wall, causing Brian to sprint to the left to return the volley. John was in position to hit it back to Brian.

“I’m use to hearing those words from a well satisfied trick after I’ve fucked him into tomorrow and not from a sweaty straight guy trying to beat me at racquetball”

Brian managed to spit out as he swung hard and hit the ball back to John.

John laughed so hard he missed the volley. “Asshole.” He said laughing then went to sit down against the small court’s padded wall. Brian joined him and slid down the wall beside him. They picked up their waters and drank deep. Brian poured some over his head.

They had a good workout today. Brian was glad for the exercise. It helped him to de-stress big time. Plus he liked spending time with John. John had an easy quick wit just like Brian. There was no bullshit about him. He also went through some serious shit in his life that Brian could relate to.

“You never ceased to amaze me Brian, seriously. We’ve been friends for how long now?” He asked.

Brian shook the water from his head, splashing John in the process.

“Like I fucking keep track? He answered and made a face.

John shook his head. “I thought I knew just about everything about you. Now I find out you had this whole other family while you lived in New York.”

Though few knew it, John and Brian had become very close friends. Each were very private men, yet they confided things in each other that neither discussed with anyone else. John knew about Brian’s abusive father, and his time in New York when he was 15. How close he came to killing himself. He also knew how hurt Brian was when Justin left. The only other person who knew that was his best friend Mikey.

Brian liked to keep his relationship with John private. John understood. Each had too many other people in their lives that just wouldn’t understand the close friendship they shared. John knew that Brian didn’t trust straight people. John couldn’t blame him. His own brother was gay; he knew how difficult it could be for him.

Add to that Brian’s general distrust of anyone, straight or gay, it was amazing he was able to make any new friends at his age. As far as John knew, other than Mikey, and Lindsey, who he had known since college, Brian wasn’t close to anyone. He had friends, like Ted and Emmett, but he never let them know the man behind the legend. Mikey knew the man, John knew the man and John suspected, Justin knew the man best of all.  
John appreciated how special their friendship was. He was honored that Brian had trusted him enough to befriend him.

“Yeah, well..Justin didn’t even know.” Brian answered wearily and took another drink of from his bottled water.

“Wait, are you telling me Mikey knew and you never told Justin?” John asked a bit surprised.

Though Brian never told John that he loved Justin, actually, he never talked much about Justin at all, he knew Brian well enough to know his friend was very much in love with Justin. John knew love when he saw it, having been very much in love himself. Though it only lasted a short time. Too short…

Brian laughed. “Yeah, I know. Don’t start. It was hard enough telling Justin. You have to understand, at first, I couldn’t tell anyone, but then time went by, and well.. She stopped writing, and I didn’t want to talk about it. It was just too……….” Brian paused. “Difficult.” He finished.

John nodded his head, understanding. “Fair enough. So tell me, what are these seizures like?” John asked.

Brian filled him in on Rena’s situation. John couldn’t wait to meet his sister. He marveled at the strength both Brian and his sister had, surviving an ordeal like that. But survival came at a cost, as John knew all too well. Brian suffered still from his past, burying himself in sex, drugs and booze. John himself had issues. Since Charlotte died, five years ago, John was unable to form any emotional attachments. He also drank a bit too much, and fucked around WAY too much, another thing he and Brian had in common.

“Actually, Justin could probably tell you better. He saw her in the midst of one, I was only told about it afterwards.” Brian related to him.

“What? Wait!” John sat up straight and faced Brian. “When the fuck did Justin see her have a seizure?!” He asked totally throw off guard by this new bit of information.

Brian smirked. “He left the fiddler.” He said.

John shook his head and laughed heartily. “You sooo FUCKING owe me!” He playfully pushed Brian over.

“Fuck you.” Brian said between bouts of laughter as he fell to his side.

“No fuck you! I told you he wouldn’t stay with the fiddler. Fuck Brian, you are so blind sometimes. I’ve never even met Justin and “I” know he’s fucking crazy about you. Hell, he’d have to be crazy period to put up with your shit!” John teased.

“Yeah, well you’re right there. Fuck John, I’m telling you, I can’t get rid of the kid.” Brian smiled and sat back up.

John looked askew at him. “Right, keep telling yourself that Kinney. You know he’d never come back if he felt you truly didn’t want him to. You’re so fucking hooked on him it’s pathetic.” John gave Brian this “I’m so not buying your bullshit” look and took another drink of water.

Brian gave him an offended look. “I don’t do “hooked” or any other kind of lesbianic emotion John.” He said.

John laughed. “I’m glad you two are back together. So when am I going to meet the man who stole the legends heart?” John teased.

“Keep it up John, and I’ll NEVER let you win at racquetball.” Brian warned.

“You never let me win now! Which is bad business by the way. I’m the client, aren’t you suppose to let me win once in a while?” John asked with mock seriousness.

“I don’t do ego stroking John. Only cock stroking.” Brian said and pushed John over laughing then got up to grab his racquet.

“Come on old man, how about another match?” Brian teased.

“Can’t, I have to go home and stroke my own ego, since my pal won’t.” John quipped.

“Fine, I understand. Arm giving out huh? I mean, at your age…”

“I wouldn’t be talking about age Kinney,” John interrupted him. “You’re only a few years behind me!” He informed his friend.

“And if you’re so good at cock stroking, your boyfriend wouldn’t have left you for that fiddler to begin with!” John said and ducked away laughing.

Brian put his hand to his chest, dropped his jaw, and forced a contrived hurt look over his features.

“You can insult my game, insult my work, insult my cloths, hell you can even insult my stunning good looks, but NEVER insult my cock stroking abilities!” Brian lamented.

John went to him and put his arm around Brian’s shoulder. “I’m sure your cock stroking talents are every bit as good as your business talents.” He said soothingly.

Brian snorted and pushed him away. “Come on old man, let’s go. I’ll buy you a drink.” Brian said. John sighed.

“I’d thought you never asked. Fucking racquetball kills me.” He admitted.

“Then why do you play?” Brian asked.

“Because it’s just one more thing on my list I’m hoping will bring about my quick end. I figure between this, smoking, drinking and fucking every fuckable piece of ass this side of Zanadu, I can’t last much longer.” John said, a little too serious for Brian’s liking.

They gathered up their equipment silently and headed out the gym. Brian stole a worried glance at John. It’s been awhile since his wife Charlotte died. Brian knew John hasn’t even begun to grieve his loss. That would mean admitting he had a loss. And that was something Brian understood all too well.

“Listen, Emmett is throwing this welcome home party for Rena at Anton’s. I want you to come. It’s time you met Justin and the rest of the gang. Besides, you need to meet Rena and talk to her. She’s traveled a lot, and knows a lot of doctors. You two might know some of the same people. Together, you can come up with a few names for her to check out.” Brian said.

“Sure, I’ve got no plans tonight.” John said sadly. He stopped and looked at Brian, his eyes unemotional.

“Today is the fifth anniversary of Charlottes death.” He confessed reluctantly.

Fuck! Brian thought. He went to John and gave him a quick hug.

“Well then that cinches it. We simply can’t go to this thing sober.” Brian sighed dramatically. “Lets go get comfortably numb, shall we?” Brian offered.

John smiled, emotion quickly flashed in his eyes. It was at times like this, he was grateful for Brian Kinney’s friendship.

They made plans to meet up at The Brick Wall, a bar downtown from Brian’s building in an hour.

 

Brian got in his corvette and headed for the loft. It was only 4:00pm. He left work early to meet John at the gym. Justin wouldn’t be home till at least 6:00. He was working on a project at school. He had time to go home, change meet John for a few drinks then meet up with Justin at Anton’s at 7:00pm for Emmett’s party. He took his razor out and dialed Rena.

“Hello.” Shane answered. Why the fuck didn’t Rena ever answer a phone? Brian made a mental note to ask her about that. There was so much they needed to talk about.

“Shane put Rena on.” He said. Shane didn’t reply, she just handed the phone to Rena.

“What’s up Bean?”

“I’m bringing a friend of mine to the party tonight. John Remington. He’s a client, and has access to some of the best doctors in the world Rena. So BE nice to him, ok?” Brian demanded more than asked.

“That depends on how hot he is Bean. I haven’t gotten laid in awhile. And Shane’s giving me the cold shoulder. I’ll be real nice if he’s real hot.” Rena said.

“I’m being serious Rena!” Brian bit out.

“And I’m not?” Rena laughed. Though she was being just a bit factitious.

Brian sighed heavily into the phone. “Re, I’m asking you to be nice to him.” He said.

Rena heard him, loud and clear. “Ok Bean. No problem. See you at 7?”

“Yeah.”

“K, later.”

“Later.”

Brian parked the car and went up to the loft. Five years, he thought. He didn’t know how John survived. He couldn’t even think how he would survive if something happened to Justin…

God he really needed that drink.

 

***************************************************************************

 

“He’s ruining everything! As if I’m surprised!” Emmett whined.

Shane laughed and took another swig of her beer.

Justin tried calling Brian again. It was past 8pm and he was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t answering his phone. Justin was starting to get worried.

“He’ll be here Em, don’t worry. You know Brian. He prides himself on being fashionably late.” Rena assured him as she rocked Gus on her knee.

“Well that’s true. Brian’s obsession with fashion is rivaled only by his obsession with sex!” Ted said attempting to defend his boss’s tardiness, and then looked at Justin embarrassingly for his careless remark. He knew they just had gotten back together, and it was Brian’s excessive promiscuity that broke them up to begin with.

Justin sighed heavily. He smiled at Ted, letting him know he wasn’t offended by his remark. He was right after all, Justin couldn’t fault him.

Justin didn’t understand why Brian would pull this now. They were really starting to communicate the past few days. If he was going to be late, he should have called Justin. He bought him the fucking cell phone for exactly this kind of situation! Justin was beyond frustrated.

It was a good thing Justin was there to play host and make all the introductions. Something Brian should have done, he angrily acknowledged. It really went well though. Rena was great on her own. She knew how to handle people. The more time Justin spent with her, the more he admired her people skills. She was truly a master at it. She had a way of making you feel comfortable, and safe.

Emmett of course loved her. She was very affectionate, and funny. Ted was a little in awe of her, and Vic adored her on sight! Rena took to them all, but it was Gus who held her attention. She gushed over Brian’s son shamelessly. Mel was actually getting a little annoyed at it. She monopolized Gus the minute she saw him. Justin knew that Rena saw Gus as “just” Brian’s son, and the closest she would ever get to having one of her own. But Mel didn’t understand that. And Lindsey was still in love with Brian so it didn’t matter to her. She would do anything to please his sister. Rena had Gus in her arms for the past hour, and didn’t look like she was anywhere near ready to give him up.

Justin had to introduce James and Shane to the gang as well.  
James was polite, and reserved. He sat with Vic and talked quietly to him. Everyone liked him. Shane, well Shane on the other hand got mixed reactions from the gang. Michael didn’t take to her, Justin could tell. Ted was indifferent. Debbie made a remark to her about being rude at one point when Shane was checking the place out looking for possible tricks while Justin was trying to make the introductions. Vic found her amusing and Ben, Lord love him, was compassionate and kind as he always is.

“Justin, did you call the office?” Michael asked for the fourth time.

“Mikey, I’ve been calling the office, his cell and the loft. I don’t know what’s keeping him.” Justin said. He was worried Brian might not even show up. It wouldn’t be out of character for him to just not come. He knew that, and Michael knew that from the look on his face.

“Well if that asshole doesn’t come to his own sisters welcome home party I’m going to ban him from the diner!” Debbie said.

“Please, lets not get upset! After all, this party is for Rena! We don’t need Brian.” Emmett said trying to salvage his party.

He really did a magnificent job Justin admitted. The place was great, the food exotic, and the décor was all purple. Beautiful lilacs, purple passions and lavender roses adorned the tables. The party was small but very elegant.  
Rena gushed over it and fawned over Emmett’s talents. Emmett was pleased with her response.

“He’s coming.” Rena announced. “He said he was bringing a friend.” She informed them then went back to cooing and playing with Gus.

Justin looked surprised. “A friend? Who?” He asked. “When did you talk to him Rena?”

She looked over at him. “He called me earlier. I’m sorry Justin, I was just so excited about meeting little Gussy poo.” She cooed to Gus. “I forgot all about it.”

A friend? Justin thought. All of Brian’s friends were already here. Justin didn’t know Brian had any other “friends”. Oh, he had plenty of acquaintances, but none Justin knew of that Brian would actually bring to a family gathering. A knot formed in Justin’ stomach. He did not like the sound of this.

He pulled his cell out again and pressed one, for Brian’s cell. He barely got the phone to his ear when he heard a ruckus at the door.

Justin looked towards the café’s entrance to see Brian stumble in, his arms around another man. He could tell Brian was drunk. He assumed his “friend” was in the same condition.

“Well, his majesty has arrived! And in perfect form, as usual.” Debbie spat out sarcastically.

Justin shot her a look. “Deb please. Lets not make it worse.” He asked.

Debbie huffed.

Shane took one look at Brian and placed her hands on her hips. “Well will you look at that!” She exclaimed and turned to Rena.

“What the fuck! I was told to behave, but HE gets to bring a trick?” She complained.

Rena looked up and saw her brother. She frowned. Something was wrong. She handed Gus back to Lindsey. Mel mutter “about time” under her breath. Rena caught it tough, and placed it in the back of her mind to deal with at a later time. She turned to look at Justin and saw the confused hurt look on his face. She went over to him.

“Honey, don’t. Find out what’s going on first.” She whispered in his ear.

“Fucking Brian.” Michael said.

“Leave it be.” Ben told Michael, rubbing his shoulders.

Emmett looked at Justin. Pity clear in his eyes. Justin had to look away.

Everyone was tense.

 

Brian and John stumbled into Anton’s holding each other up. Brian was pretty high. Between the shots of Beam and the joints they smoked, he was feeling no pain. He knew he was late, but fuck it he thought. John needed a friend. Fucking five years to the day. Brian never knew until tonight, that she died of AID’s. She contracted the disease from a blood transfusion. It suddenly made sense to Brian why John drove himself so hard at work. Remington Pharmaceuticals major projects revolved around developing new HIV drugs.   
Brian told John how Andy died. The spent the last hour drowning the memories of AID’s, death and lost loves.

The source of humor is not joy, but sorrow. And there was so much sorrow between the both of them that humor and lots of alcohol, was the only means to express it. They entered the café and looked around for their party. Brian saw Justin and made his way towards him, dragging a very unstable John with him.

Justin’s face was stoic. Rena got up to face her brother, and to intercept him from confronting Justin with his arms wrapped around another man.

“Bean!” She said a little to cheerfully. “Glad you finally made it. Who’s your friend?” She asked in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

Brian, in his intoxicated state, said the worse thing he could possibly say.

“Oh, this guy? Just some trick I picked up at the bar.” He joked, though no one, but John, got the joke.

John launched into a fit of hysterical laughter and fell into a chair next to Ted.

“Hey good looking.” He slurred to Ted and winked at him. Ted scooted away from him, which only made John laugh harder.

Justin’s face turned white. He got up to leave. Tears stinging the back of his eyes. Tears he refused to let fall. NEVER again he thought in a rage. How the fuck could he! What the fuck could have happened between this morning and tonight that made Brian go out and do this? It didn’t make sense. He couldn’t think, he needed to get away.

He picked up his coat and made his apologies to Emmett.

Rena grabbed him. “Don’t you fucking dare leave! Don’t give him the satisfaction. Stand your ground Justin. Make him accountable for his actions.” Rena said angrily. She wanted to give Brian a piece of her mind, but this was Justin’s place, not hers.

Justin’s rage was mounting. Rena was right. He was not going to run.

He walked up to Brian, stood up on his toes so he stood eye-to-eye with him and gritted out between clenched teeth.

“Who the fuck is that!” He said pointing to John.

John, who was in the midst of taking a sip of water from one of the water glasses on the table spit out the liquid all over Brian’s pants.

“Fuck John! These are Dolce’ linen!” Brian looked down to assess the damage done to his pants. “I swear to God you better not have ruined them!”

“Is “this” Justin?” John asked, stunned.

Justin looked at the man for the first time. His anger dissipating a bit. Brian would not tell a trick about him. This man obviously knew Brian somehow. But how? Who the fuck was he?

“Yes this is Justin, who else would be shooting daggers out of his eyes at me like that!” He looked back to Justin.

“Which I DON’T appreciate!” Brian shouted at Justin as he leaned into him.

Justin was not giving in. “You’re over an hour late, you walk in drunk, with some strange guy hanging all over you. Consider my dirty looks a kindness.” He said.

John’s sudden laughter jolted Brian and Justin out of their not-so-private spat.

“Brian, remind me again of the big differences between straight and gay men will you?” John said totally amused with himself.

“Cause it seems to me that straight or gay, we both have the same weakness. Young, hot blooded blondes.” John smirked at his friend and attempted to rise out of his chair. Ted had to help him.

Brian groaned. John drunk was a dangerous thing. He knew too much about Brian. He didn’t need him spilling locker room secrets to his family.

Justin looked confused. “Bri, exactly who is this?” He asked.

Brian was not pleased with Justin at the moment. The boy always reacted recklessly. Jumping to conclusions. Normally, he’d be right. But what the fuck? Did the past few days mean nothing to Justin? He obviously didn’t take Brian seriously. Brian went out of his way to show Justin he was serious about their relationship. God he hated “relationships” and here was a perfect example of why he hated it so much. The fact that Justin had so little faith in him hurt.

“Who is he? I don’t know Justin. You tell me. Since you’ve obviously formed an opinion already.” Brian said, sarcasm dangerously dripping from every word.

Justin flinched. Brian was right. He jumped to the conclusion that Brian was with a trick. Even after all that Brian did to show Justin he was serious about them. Old habits were hard to break though, and Justin just reacted from past experience. Fuck! Well it was his fault! He gave him the fucking cell then ignores it! What was he suppose to think?

“What I KNOW, is that you didn’t call me, and you didn’t answer your cell. Forgive me if I got a bit concerned!” Justin defended himself.

“I called Rena.” Brian turned to Rena. Rena blushed.

“Sorry Bean, I got so wrapped up in your adorable son I totally forgot what you said about your friend.” She admitted.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly upset with both Justin and Rena.  
Justin was avoiding explaining his reaction to seeing Brian with John and Rena was avoiding having to meet John.

He knew his sister too well. She chose to forget. John was there to help her find a doctor. It didn’t surprise him she put meeting John out of her mind the minute she hung up the phone with him. She was being stubborn about getting medical attention. Brian had to take control of locating a specialist for her. Rena wasn’t concerned about it at all. Brian couldn’t understand why. Rena was smart. She knew she couldn’t let her seizures continue without finding the source. There was a reason Rena was avoiding this. Brian knew he would find out why soon enough.

 

He was acutely aware everyone was there witnessing the spectacle he had created. Fuck it. They were use to him. Creating public scenes was his forte’.  
He let out a deep breath and looked at John.

“John, this is my sister Rena.” He said, ignoring Justin. He would deal with him later, in private.

John turned and saw Rena for the first time. He froze. Even in his inebriated state, his heart and mind registered something. Something he clearly recognized but refused to acknowledge. He couldn’t breath he didn’t want to move. He rebelled against his treacherous emotions. He refused to believe what his heart was telling him. For God sakes it was the anniversary of his wife’s death! How could he be so drawn to this woman? How could he “feel” anything?  
His face went white, he felt sick to his stomach. He was going to vomit, he knew it. He turned to find an escape.

Brian saw John’s reaction and thought the booze was catching up with him. He grabbed his arm and led him to the bathroom. John barely made it in before he started to vomit.

“Fuck John! Did you eat today?” Brian asked as he held his friend’s head over the toilet.

John continued to wrench. His mind was spinning, his heart was racing. He knew he was having a panic attack.

“Brian, fuck, I can’t breath.” He said shaking.

Brian ran to the sink and wet a paper towel and brought it to John.

“Slow breaths John, easy.” Brian recognized the attack. He wasn’t surprised. Maybe it was a good sign. Maybe John was starting to really grieve. Sometimes it hits, just like that.

Justin walked into the bathroom and saw the state John was in. Brian was crouched on the floor in the stall next to John, talking to him while pressing a wet paper towel to his head.

“He’s having a panic attack.” Justin said.

Brian glanced at him. “You think?” He spat out.

Justin bent down and started rubbing John’s arms, hands, and legs. He hummed softly as he gently massaged him.

“What the fuck are you doing” Brian asked.

“When I would get an attack, you would rub my arms and legs like this while talking softly to me. I never really heard what you said, but the tone of your voice soothed me, and the feel of your hands massaging me calmed me. The contact made me feel secure.” He explained in a very soft, soothing voice for John’s benefit as he continued to rub his arms, hands and legs.

Brian looked at Justin gently caring for a man that he thought was one of Brian’s trick just a minute ago, and for all he knew could still be. Not for the first time, he was reminded of how special Justin truly was. And how lucky he was to have him in his life.

“Justin, this is John Remington of Remington Pharmaceuticals. You remember it was their account that got Kinnetik off the ground.” Brian explained.

Justin nodded his head and continued to hum softly to John.

“He took over the family business a little over a year ago.” Brian paused and put his hand on Justin’s arm to get his attention. Justin looked up at him.

“I consider him a friend. He’s straight. And today is the fifth anniversary of his wife’s death.” Brian looked into Justin’s eyes.

Justin sucked his breath in. “My God Brian.” He said and looked down at John whose eyes were closed, but his breathing seemed a little more even.

“I can’t even imagine…” Justin thought out loud.

“I know.” Brian said softly and looked down at his friend. It looked like he was coming around.

“John.” Brian called out softly.

John opened his eyes and saw Justin holding his hand, rubbing in between his fingers. He looked over at Brian.

“Is this some sort of gay sexual thing? Cause if it is, I have to tell you, friend or no friend, what he’s doing feels so good, I just might fuck him.” He said attempting to smile.

Justin laughed. “I can see why you two are friends.” He said and let go of John’s hand.

John moaned in protest.

“Stop hitting on Justin. I just got him back.” Brian teased and helped John up.

John got to his feet and walked over to the sink to splash some water on his face.

Justin handed him a paper towel.

“Thanks.” He said.

“You ok to rejoin the party?” Brian asked.

John’s face went white again. Justin reached out to hold him in case he fell over with another attack.

 

John took a deep steadying breath. He couldn’t go back out there and face that woman. Rena. Fuck! He needed to get out of here. He couldn’t explain his reaction to Brian. Hell he couldn’t explain it to himself! He needed to think. He needed to sneak out the back or something. He was about to ask Brian to make his apologies, feigning illness or something and quietly leave.

But that wasn’t how fate worked. Oh no, the object of his distress just opened the door to the men’s room and boldly walked in.

“Can you two please leave us alone?” Rena said to Brian and Justin. They both looked at her confused, and then at John, whose eyes were riveted on Rena and whose complexion was getting whiter by the minute.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now Re. John’s sick.” Brian said.

“I’m a fucking doctor Bean. If I need your help, I’ll call you. Just make sure no one comes in, I want to talk to John alone.” She said.

Brian looked at Justin and motioned his head towards the door. Justin let go of John and left the bathroom with Brian.

They closed the door behind them and stood guard.

“What the fuck is that about!?” Justin asked.

Brian’s brain was starting to comprehend what was really going on. Fuck. How could he have missed that? After all, he had a similar reaction when he first saw Justin. Less the throwing up of course…


	25. Last Call

"Make your world what you want it to be  
Got a man I love desperately  
Want to give him something better than me Been told I can’t be nothing else Just a hustler in spite of myself  
I know I can rake it  
In this life if I make it.."

~ Pusher man

 

 

“So how long has this been going on?” Justin asked Brian. They were standing outside the men’s bathroom in Anton’s waiting for Rena and John to come out.

“As far as I know, they just met.” Brian answered then sighed. He was looking around for a waitress. He needed another drink.

“I’m not talking about Rena and John, I’m talking about you and John.” Justin said, his eyes searching the café, to see what the gang was doing.

They were all at the table, talking. Probably complaining about how Brian had fucked up yet another family event. Justin wasn’t concerned though. James and Shane were there. They were loyal to Rena, which meant they were loyal to Brian. They would defend Brian. Especially knowing his son was in hearing range. And of course, Mikey always defended Brian. Justin had other, more serious concerns at the moment.

Brian looked over at him. He just explained to Justin that John was a friend, and a client. What the fuck was the kid talking about? He was aggravated and feeling sober. Both of which could be easily remedied with another shot of whiskey. He turned his head and scanned the bar.

“Fucking waitress’s are never around when you need one. If this was a gay bar I wouldn’t have a problem getting a drink.” Was his answer.

Justin gave him a sharp look. “Obviously. So are you going to tell me how long this has been going on with John?” He asked again.

Brian’s spun his head around to Justin. His eyes dark with anger. “What the fuck are you talking about!” He growled.

“I’m talking about your drinking buddy. Why would you keep your friendship with John a secret from your family? Because he’s straight? No, Brian Kinney could give a shit what anyone thought of who he associates with.” Justin folded his arms across his chest and leaned into Brian so no one walking by could hear him.

“That man in there is in a lot of pain. He suffers from panic attacks, probably has a drinking problem, and from what little I just heard, a lot of other problems.   
Ted told me that you left the office around 2 this afternoon. When did you two start drinking? You use to only drink after work or when you’d go clubbing, and of course as means for pain management. Have your habits changed Bri?” Justin asked.

Brian’s body went rigid, he averted his eyes. Justin lowered his voice another notch.

“Do you know what I think?” He asked.

“Sounds as if you’ve been thinking way too much lately. Always a dangerous thing Sunshine.” Brian drawled dangerously.

Justin ignored the warning in Brian’s tone.

“I think you’ve been drinking a lot more then you let on. And worse you’re becoming immune to the booze. You’re very good at hiding it.”

Justin knew he was stepping into a land mine. But if they were truly serious about their relationship, and Brian meant what he said about wanting them to deal with their problems together, he’d have to start with his own.

“John seems like a decent guy, and I can tell you really like him. Yet you’ve kept him a secret from your family and me. It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve kept a drinking relationship a secret.” Justin said referring to Brian’s relationship with his father.

Brian had a “drinking” relationship with his father that only Mikey knew about. Brian would visit his father periodically, give him money, and then they would sit and get drunk together. They each pretended to be someone else. His father pretended that he was a good dad, and Brian pretended he was a good “straight” son. A legacy like that was hard to overcome. Now it seemed that Brian had a similar relationship with his friend John. He wondered though, what was he pretending to be with John? Happy?

Brian laughed low in the back of his throat at the reference to his father. The sound was unmistakably cynical.

Justin felt a pang of guilt, but he wasn’t going to let it go. He knew with every ounce of his being that his life would forever be entwined with Brian’s. He would not stand idly by and watch the man he loved go down the path of destruction that Brian was so determined to go down.

“It’s apparent that your friend John shares the same penchant for drinking as you have and up until now, know one knew of your relationship with him. You know what my SAT scores were Brian. I’m pretty good at adding things up. So I’ll ask you again, how long has this been going on?”

Justin kept his voice low, yet his words reverberated like a sonic boom in Brian’s head.

Brian just stared at him. Rage written all over his face. He wanted to scream at Justin. To tell him to go to hell. But he couldn’t. Justin was right, and Brian didn’t even realize it until Justin just now put it into words.

When Jack died, Brian had finally rid himself of the guilt and shame of that relationship. He came clean with his father before his death about being gay; he even introduced his father to his son. There was closure there. But the truth was, it was easier when they were drinking pals.

Brian’s friendship with John did not start out as “drinking” buddies. They hit it off because they shared similar personalities. They just clicked. The drinking relationship started when Justin left him for Ethan. Brian went out drinking every night during that time; Mikey was there for him, as always. That wasn’t unusual for Brian. He was always a heavy drinker. But a controlled drinker. He never let it interfere with business.

But then John and he started working together during those days on the new campaign. They were under a lot of stress. John was driven, and fielding some dark demons of his own. It started out innocently enough with one or two martinis at lunch. Then during breaks they would celebrate with a shot of whiskey, or bourbon. Soon it escalated to hanging out after work for happy hour. Afterwards, Brian would meet up with Mikey at Babylon for some serious drinking, drugging and fucking. He was eating less, and drinking more.

He never told Mikey or anyone about his friendship with John because in truth, as Justin so astutely surmised, he didn’t want anyone to know how deep he was into drowning his sorrows. John was fighting his grief over losing Charlotte; Brian was dealing with losing Justin, which catapulted all these old feelings about losing Andy and Rena. He let himself get sucked into this hazy world where he needed the booze just to function in his day-to-day life.

He couldn’t count how many times he was drunk around a client and they never even knew. In truth, he never even considered himself drunk during those times. He didn’t associate that “numb” feeling with being drunk. But it was. He didn’t need to be Ted or Blake to understand it was a problem. He was not however ready to let Justin bring it to the surface. He had to be strong, for Rena right now. And for Justin. He didn’t need Justin worrying about him. They had just gotten back together and Brian had already thrown a whole load of shit at him. He had enough on his plate. He’d deal with his problem as he always had. Alone, and in private.

“Save your fucking AA line of shit for Ted. I have been drinking heavily for years, you know this. Just because I went out drinking with John doesn’t mean I’ve turned into some fucking closet alcoholic!” He snapped at Justin.

Justin made a face at him. “Bullshit.” He said.

Brian snorted. “We are not talking about this.” He said through clenched teeth.

Justin knew he hit a nerve. His suspicious were right on. He’d let it go for now. They had enough to deal with. Brian still hadn’t gotten his bearings straight from having his sister back in his life again. And it would only get worse when the truth came out about Rena’s rape. Justin needed Brian to get a grip on this soon, before that revelation came to pass. If Brian was at the edge now, which was a place Brian often flirted with, learning about what happened to Rena would most likely push him over and Justin wasn’t sure if he could pull him back from that fall.

For now though, he’d let it go. Rena hasn’t even seen a doctor yet. He knew she would delay the inevitable until she was forced to tell him. The important thing was Brian knew now that Justin knew. And they would deal with this at some point soon, together.

Justin turned back to look at the table. Things seemed to quiet down there. They were chatting and laughing. Thank God for small favors.

Justin’s brow furrowed. He wondered what Rena was talking to John about. He had a feeling John was going to be another new addition to their little family. Brian made it clear he considered John a friend. Which meant Justin would accept him as such. Justin worried though that their friendship was a toxic one, for both of them.

Brian finally managed to hail a waitress over.

“Yes Sir, what can I get you?” The pretty little brunette asked.

“Double shot of Beam.” He said.

The waitress turned to Justin. “Anything for you Sir.’

Justin smiled at her. “No, thank you.” He said. She turned to leave.

Brian watched her take two steps away before he stopped her. “Wait.” He called out. She turned around. “Change that to a bottled water please. Perrier if you have it.” He said.

She nodded and left to get his order. Brian gave Justin a scathing look, daring him to say something. Justin was many things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. He held his tongue for once.

 

***************************************************************************

 

My ego is bruised,” Rena said as she walked over to the sink where John was standing and hitched herself up to sit on its edge.

“It’s not every day I meet a man whose first reaction is to throw up at the sight of me.” She leaned back on the sink and smiled at John.

John mentally shook himself out of his stupor. The effects of the booze were still heavy in him. He was a reasonable man, he reminded himself. His reaction to this woman was simply lust, combined with a heavy dose of alcohol and pot. That’s all. The pot was probably laced with some shit. Yes, that was it. Fucking Brian got a hold of some bad weed. That’s why he reacted the way he did to her. Looking at her now, he couldn’t blame himself. She was beautiful. Stunning green eyes that were currently lit with merriment. From head to toe she exuded a sensuality that was intoxicating. Add that to the booze, and well, that’s what they call chemistry. And right now, there was a lot of chemistry happening between the two of them.

 

John forced a smile on his face. “I’m sorry, it’s not you. I’ve had a little too much tonight.” He said as an excuse. He leaned back against the vanity.

Rena tilted her head and looked at him. “I’m surprised you can’t hold your liquor better, being a friend of Brian’s, I’d think that would be a requirement.” She teased.

John laughed. “Not many people can keep up with your brother. The man has the constitution of a bull.” John said.

“He’s bullheaded, I’ll give you that.” Rena quipped.

“I’ve noticed.” John agreed.

“So, he told me you own a pharmaceutical company?” Rena asked.

“Yes, currently were working a new class of anti-HIV drugs.” John said.

“Who’s heading your research department?” Rena asked.

“Mark Weston.” He said.

Rena whistled low in appreciation. “Wow, I’m impressed.” She said.

John looked at her surprised. “You know Dr. Weston?” He asked.

“Yes actually. I met him in Switzerland at a seminar I was giving on Mendels theories.” She said.

“Mendel, the father of modern genetics?” John asked.

Now it was Rena’s turn to be surprised. “Good looking and smart too.” She gave him a sexy smile.

John’s stomach lurched at her smile. Shit she was dangerous.

Rena saw his face turn white again. “Jesus John, my ego is really taking a beating here. Are you going to throw up again?” She asked concerned.

John swallowed hard. “No, I’m fine. Really, I just need some air.” He pushed himself away from the vanity.

Rena jumped down from the sink. Her heel slipped on the slippery tile floor causing her ankle to twist. John reached out and grabbed her before she fell.

Rena leaned into him and pulled her leg up to rub her ankle.

Fuck!” She said accessing the damage to her ankle.

John felt the warmth of her body against his. His heart quickened. Blood rushed to head, both heads actually.

Rena felt him harden against her. She looked up at him and smiled.

“Well at least there’s one part of you that isn’t throwing up over me.” Then she pressed back against him and released her ankle.

“Yet.” She added seductively.

John’s eyes grew dark. Lust consumed his body. He leaned down and kissed her, hard.

Rena was taken back by the sudden assault, but not unprepared. She kissed him back heatedly. She moaned deeply in the back of her throat.

There were kisses, then there were “kisses”, and this kiss fell into that second category. It went right through her. She felt it literally in her toes. It consumed her. The kiss was intoxicating, passionate and, and, and… She couldn’t put a name to it. There was something there, something she couldn’t identify. Something familiar, like……..home.

John ravished her mouth. He couldn’t’ get enough. It had been so long since his body felt this alive. It was as if he was waking up from a very long sleep. His senses came alive. Little electric shocks caressed his skin where it touched hers. He took in the scent of her, the feel of her. He melted every time he heard a little moan escape her. Her breath against his was like fire in his soul. He pressed himself harder against her, telling her of his desire. She responded to him, she molded herself into him. They fit perfectly, John wanted to take her right there in the men’s bathroom, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he shouldn’t, he couldn’t….there was a reason why he couldn’t..Not today, Fuck, NOT TODAY!

John pulled away from her so abruptly Rena fell back against the sink and let out a shocked screech. The sudden rejection was so unexpected; it left her breathless, and confused.

She looked at him, he was breathing heavy, his body shook a bit, but his eyes, oh God his eyes were tortured. What the fuck had just happened she wondered.

“I’m sorry.” John said. He reached out and stroked her cheek. “I’m so sorry.” He said, then turned and left the bathroom.

Rena stood there, leaning against the sink and tried to catch her breath. Her mind reeled at what just happened. She touched her lips; they burned still from his kiss. The look in his eyes flashed in her mind. She had seen that look before. Regret, deep regret and guilt. Her heart sank. Why would she cause such a reaction in him?

 

 

Brian was sipping his fucking Perrier when the door suddenly opened and John came rushing out. He saw the look on John’s face as he ran towards the café’s exit. He dropped the Perrier and charged into the bathroom. Justin followed behind him.

“What the fuck happened?” He went to Rena who was leaning against the sink, favoring her ankle.

Brian’s eyes grew dark. “I’ll fucking kill him!” He yelled.

Rena looked at him shocked. “What the fuck are you talking about?” She asked.

“What did he do to you?” Brian bent down and took Rena’s ankle into his hands to examine it.

Justin went over to Rena to help steady her. “Are you alright?” He asked gently.

“I’m fine! I slipped, that’s all. John didn’t do anything Bean. Stop being such a fucking drama queen. Oh, wait, sorry, you can’t help it. It’s in your genes.” She quipped.

Brian looked up at her and scowled. Justin tried to hide his laugh, but couldn’t.

Something definitely happened. Rena used humor when she was upset. Brian recognized the ploy, and called her on it.

“What happened?” He asked again, his tone demanding.

Rena sighed. “How the fuck should I know? One minute we were kissing, and the next he was freaking out, as if he just shot a puppy or something.” Rena threw her hands up for effect. Justin put his arms around her shoulders.

“It’s not you Rena.” He said. Brian shot him a look. Justin shot one back that said, “tell her”.

Brian sighed. “Today was not a good day for him to be kissing another woman Re. It’s the fifth anniversary of his wife’s death.” He said and stood up to face her.

Rena’s mouth dropped open. “You’re shitting me, right?” She asked knowing he would never kid about a thing like that.

Brian just gave her a look. She lowered her eyes. “Fuck.” She whispered.

Brian pulled her in for a hug. “Forget about it. Don’t think about it.” He said.

Justin rubbed Rena’s back. Yes he thought. Don’t think about it. Typical Kinney solution. It never worked for him though. And it wasn’t going to work for Rena either.

“Party’s over.” She whispered into Brian’s shoulder.

“Yeah. Party’s over.” He agreed.


	26. I'm Your Man

"If you want a lover  
I’ll do anything you ask me to.. And if you want another kind of love I’ll wear a mask for you.. If you want a partner Take my hand, Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand...I’m your man"

 

~ Leonard Cohen –“I’m your man.”

 

“Mr. Remington will be right out to see you.” Said the woman behind the massive receptionist desk.

Justin smiled and said thank you. He stood in the lobby of Remington Pharmaceuticals and couldn’t help but be impressed. When Justin drove up to the imposing structure this afternoon he didn’t know what to expect. The place was a fortress. He spent 20 minutes at the front gate trying to gain entrance. He would have called first, but after the party last Tuesday, Justin doubted John would want to see him. So he decided just to drive to Remington’s and pay John a surprise visit.

The compound was huge and from what Justin could see housed 3 buildings. He was directed to the largest of them, which stood four stories tall. The structural design was contemporary. As an artist, Justin appreciated its esthetic design. The lobby’s interior was ultra modern. All polished steel, wood and tile. The furniture was mostly minimalist. Brian would love it. There was even a Barcelona chair in the lobby. Not surprisingly, very similar to the one in Brian’s loft. No, wait, “their” loft. Justin still wasn’t use to being part owners of the loft.

“Justin!” John called out as he rounded the corner to enter the lobby. Justin smiled at him and held his hand out.

“Good to see you again John, I hope my stopping in unannounced isn’t too much of an imposition?” Justin asked as he shook John’s hand.

John patted Justin on the shoulder in a friendly “man to man” manner and smiled back.

“No of course not! I just wished you would have called first, I would have cleared my schedule so we could have had lunch or something.” He said.

“It was kind of a spur of the moment decision.” Justin confessed. “I’ve been known to act impulsively on occasion.” He smiled apologetically.

John laughed hardily. “Well you’re here now, lets go to my office.” He said and led Justin down this long corridor. The walls were adorned with postage-sized paintings by postmodern artists.

“You’re a fan of Joy Garnett?” Justin asked

“Yeah, I love her documentary photo’s. I’ve got a few in my office.” He said.

Justin was impressed.

They passed a small anteroom where a well-dressed elderly woman, sat behind a desk.

She rose from her seat to meet them.

“Lynn, this is Justin. Mr. Kinney’s partner.” John made the introductions.

Justin was surprised at John’s description. Brian’s partner. He wondered if he just assumed that, or if Brian told him they were partners.

“Very nice to meet you.” Justin said to the elderly woman.

“My pleasure! We just love Mr. Kinney around here! His campaign for our new line of drugs has been nothing short of brilliant!” She raved.

“That’s kind of you to say.” Justin said, not knowing really how to respond.

“Lynn, hold all my calls. I’ll be in a meeting with Justin for awhile.” John said then led Justin into his office.

Justin heard Lynn say, “Yes Sir,” Before John closed the door behind them.

The office was big, and cluttered. Which surprised Justin considering the ultra sleek, clean look of the rest of his building. Journals were sprawled all over the big beautiful mahogany desk that sat in front of a glass pane wall that sported the most magnificent view. There were several cups of coffee lying all over the place; on the small coffee tables that were strategically placed in front of several low armchairs, on the bookshelves, and even on the floor where he saw dozens of pillows scattered for sitting.

John went behind the desk, opened a drawer and pulled out a bottle of scotch and two glasses.

“So Justin, what do I owe this pleasure to?” He asked as he poured them both a shot glass size of the brown liquid. He handed one to Justin.

Justin took it and drank it down. He didn’t want to be rude. He didn’t come here to talk about John’s drinking. It was just after 3pm, on a Friday. How and when John drank was none of his business. Brian was his business. But he wasn’t here for Brian either.

“Thanks.” He said after downing the whiskey.

“Actually John I came for two reasons. First, I never got a chance to apologize.” He said.

John looked at him oddly. “Apologize for what? Hell I should be apologizing to you! I came to the party drunk, was rude, and then threw up. You were kind to me, and then I ran out without even saying goodbye. I’m surprised Brian is still talking to me.” He said.

That made two of them Justin thought. Brian didn’t mention he had talked to John since the party.

“I never had a chance to thank you for helping me.” John said. “Seriously, I’m sure Brian told you, it was a bad day for me. I am sorry if I ruined the party, or insulted you in anyway.” He said sincerely.

Justin shook his head. “No, no. You have nothing to apologize for! It must have been a very difficult day for you, and as for insulting me, it was me who insulted you.” Justin said.

“What are you talking about Justin? You helped me in the bathroom, you didn’t insult me.” John countered.

“When you first came in I was rude. I jumped to the wrong conclusion and I am very sorry for that. Brian considers you a friend. I would never be rude to one of Brian’s friends.” Justin said.

“Justin, believe me, you were not rude. I was. But lets not argue the point. I’m glad to have finally met you!” John said.

Justin smiled a bit embarrassed. He had no idea what Brian told John about him.

“Um, thanks, I think.” Justin said and laughed.

John laughed with him. “Don’t worry, Brian doesn’t talk much about his private life, as you know. But he did make it clear you were someone special to him.” John said.

Justin blushed.

John liked Justin. He could see why Brian was attracted to the boy. He was very handsome and had a million-dollar smile. If he were straight, he’d have a hard time keeping the girls off of him. He didn’t envy Brian; the boy was bright, good looking and obviously came from a good family considering his polished manner. Many gay affluent men would vie for this one’s attention.

Men were men. Gay or straight. Young, beautiful, intelligent lovers of good breeding were prizes to older successful men. His own brother was gay, from a good family and handsome. Wealthy gay businessmen were constantly courting Rob, despite his disability. Rob was deaf.

“Yes, well Brian is very special to me too.” Justin said.

John nodded and offered Justin another drink. Justin politely declined.

“Please, have a seat.” John said and put the bottle away, declining a second drink for himself.

Justin looked around and saw a clean chair and sat down.

“I’m also here to invite you to come to a small dinner party I’m having on Monday night.” Justin said.

Brian didn’t know yet, but he was planning on having Rena, Shane, James, Mikey and Ben over for dinner. He’d thought it would be nice to have John come as well. After all, Brian did bring him to meet the family, but circumstances screwed that up. He thought a small party with just intimate family to begin with, would be a good beginning. He would have invited Lindsey and Mel, but considering the way Mel was reacting to Rena at the party, he didn’t think it would be a good idea to have them over the first time John is properly introduced to the family. He wanted it to go as smooth as possible.

Plus he thought it a good way to get over the “mishap” that John and Rena had in the bathroom. Whatever that was about. John was obviously upset that night. And Justin suspected a bit embarrassed by his behavior. But it was understandable. It was the anniversary of his wife’s death. He was lonely, depressed and Rena is a sexy desirable woman who has a way of making people feel comfortable. Maybe a little too comfortable in this instance. It was not surprising the incident occurred. The important thing was that they all get past it.

“A dinner party? Sounds like fun. I’m honored to be invited.” John said.

“So you’ll come?” Justin asked.

“Of course! Just tell me what time and where.” John replied.

“At the loft, say 6:00pm?” Justin answered.

“I’ll bring the wine! Red or White?” John asked.

Justin thought for moment. He didn’t actually plan the menu yet.

“I think Red. I haven’t made a beef wellington in a while.” He said. Actually, he never made a beef wellington but always wanted to try it. He loved cooking. He found it very therapeutic.

 

“Then Red it is!” John said.

Justin rose to leave. “ Sounds good. I look forward to seeing you Monday night.”

John came around from behind his desk to shake Justin’s hand.

“Me too.” He said.

“I’m sorry I took up so much of your time. I really have to be going now.” Justin said shaking his hand back.

“I’m glad you came by. Come by anytime. Next time I’ll give you a tour of the compound.” He offered.

“Thanks, I’d like that.” Justin said.

“Great! Good to see you again Justin.” John said.

“You too. John.” Justin said.

Justin released his hand and turned to leave.

He walked to the office door and opened it. He was about to walk out when it hit him. He turned around to face John, who was already seating himself behind his desk reaching into the drawer Justin saw him take the bottle of whiskey out from a moment ago.

“So when should I expect your call?” Justin asked, his head tilted as he studied John.

John looked up surprised, not realizing Justin was still standing in his office.

“Call? What call?” He asked confused.

“The call where you apologize for not being able to come to the dinner on Monday because something unexpected came up?” Justin charged.

John blinked several times. Appreciation gleamed in his eyes. He leaned back in his chair and smiled at Justin.

“I was wrong.” He said.

Justin raised his brow in question.

“It’s not your youth or your good looks that Brian’s attracted to.” He stated.

“Then it must be my SAT scores.” Justin replied.

John laughed.

Justin walked back to John’s desk and stood in front of it.

John looked up at him. “Justin, you don’t understand.” He said trying to explain what he couldn’t.

“I would never assume to." Justin said.

John sighed. “It’s just not a good time in my life right now. I don’t need any complications.” The truth was he couldn’t see Rena again. He couldn’t chance another encounter like that. He wasn’t ready for it.

“You know John, you are a lot like Brian. Did he tell you how we met?” He asked.

“He told me a bit.” John replied, not wanting to violate any confidences.

“Well, he didn’t want any complications in his life either.” Justin said.

“In fact, he did every thing he could to avoid what was unavoidable. In the end, we couldn’t deny our fates.” Justin rested his hands on John’s desk and leaned in.

“John, at some point, you’re going to have to face whatever it is you’re avoiding. And if that has something to do with Rena, I can tell you from experience, there is NO avoiding her!” Justin rolled his eyes. John laughed.

“Just come to dinner on Monday. Brian likes you. He considers you a friend. I’m sure you know how rare that is for Brian. Rena is his sister. Don’t you think you owe it to Brian to at least try to resolve whatever it is between you two?” Justin knew he was sticking his nose in where it didn’t belong. But hey, it wouldn’t be the first time.

John studied Justin for a moment. Kid had a point. His friendship with Brian meant a lot to him. When the fuck did he become so pathetic? Yes, he had a strong reaction to Rena. So? He had to deal with it. Justin was right. He couldn’t hide forever. In fact, he was getting sick of hiding. Hiding from his family, hiding from his pain, hiding from living again. No, it was time. Charlotte was gone. She was dead. He had a choice. Either join her and get it over with, or start living again. What he was doing the past five years was neither.

He stood up and faced Justin. Justin pushed away from the desk.

“I hate beef wellington.” He said.

“Rack of Lamb?” Justin asked.

John nodded. He pushed a button on his desk phone.

“Yes Mr. Remington?” Lynn’s voice came over the intercom.

“Clear any plans I have for Monday night. I’m having dinner with friends.” He said.

“Yes Sir Mr. Remington.” Lynn said.

Justin gave John one of his million dollar smiles and left the office. That went well he thought. Now all I have to do is convince Rena to come.

***************************************************************************

 

Justin sat at his computer desk working on his graphic art project. A sketchpad lay next to him where he outlined several drawings of the cartoon character Dondi. He was finishing up his thesis on the social impact of the newspaper comic strip when he heard Brian come in.

He looked up briefly, wondering what tonight’s mood would bring. He’d been “punishing” Justin since the party on Tuesday. Justin expected it. He knew Brian would resent Justin calling him on his drinking, even if Brian knew Justin was right. But Justin read the Kinney manual and knew that Brian’s first reaction would be to rebel. Which is what he did the very next night.

Wednesday night he came home from work and “informed” Justin he was going out. He didn’t get home till almost 4 am, stinking of booze and sex. He got into bed with Justin without taking a shower. It was his way of telling Justin “I’ll drink as much as I want, and fuck as much as I want. It’s my life, I’ll live it as I want!”   
He quickly fell asleep. Justin got up for work the next morning and never said a word to Brian. At the diner, he heard whispers of how the “stud” of Liberty Avenue was back. Justin had to bite his tongue. Though Brian didn’t trick in front of him, when Brian tricked, it became talk of the town. Just his fucking luck he fell in love with the town’s sexual legend.

On Thursday, Brian came home from work early and stayed in. They ate a light dinner and watched some TV. The “drinking” subject never came up. Justin noticed however, that Brian had not had a drink all day. Lindsey came over that night with Gus and Brian enjoyed spending time with his son.

They went to bed around midnight. Brian fucked him. Again, punishing him. There was little tenderness in their union. Justin understood. Brian was communicating to Justin that his feelings belonged to him, and he controlled them, not Justin. He failed terribly though. In the end Brian gave in and pulled him in to lie against him when he thought Justin was asleep. Justin didn’t know when it started, but he knew Brian slept more soundly when he had Justin curled into him.

Brian was restless, distant and frustrated since the party and taking it out on Justin. Justin felt Brian’s edginess. Being in a relationship was difficult for him. Justin appreciated how hard he was trying. He had taken some big steps to prove to Justin that he was committed. Brian had always lived his life by his own rules. He always handled his problems on his own, and shut everyone else out. Now he had a partner to share his problems with and it disturbed him on several levels. First and foremost having to admit he had a problem to anyone was foreign to Brian. Though he didn’t say the words, he conceded that he did have a problem by not denying it to Justin.

Brian had to adjust to not being alone anymore. He had never had a partner before. Hell, he never had second fuck before. Being in a relationship was a big change for him. He was breaking away from his old lifestyle and doing it cold turkey. Justin knew want Brian needed, and if Brian would give him a chance, he would give it to him.

 

 

It was Friday, just past 8pm and Brian was just getting home. Justin made dinner, not knowing what time, or if, Brian would come home. He made fish and spinach. In case Brian hadn’t eaten he could without breaking his no carbs after 7 rule.

“Hey.” Brian said as he took off his coat and put his briefcase down by the kitchen counter.

“Hey.” Justin said.

“You hungry?” He asked.

Brian made a face, as if trying to decide.

“There is some fish and spinach in the oven if you like.” Justin said.

Brian went to the oven and pulled out the dish. He sat at the counter and ate the fish.

“Not bad.” He muttered. Justin hid his smile and went back to work.

Brian finished his meal and put the dish in the sink. He went over to Justin and looked over his shoulder.

“What are you working on?” He asked.

“My graphic arts class project.” Justin said.

Brian picked up the sketches. “These are very good.” He said.

“Thanks.”

Brian put the pad down and went into the bedroom. Justin heard the shower go on. A few minutes later Brian reappeared, naked from the chest up. He walked over to Justin and bent over to kiss his neck.

“Let’s take a shower. The King of Babylon contest is tonight. Remind you of anything?” Brian asked as he dipped his tongue into Justin’s ear.

Justin giggled as Brian tickled his ear with his tongue.

“I remember that crown being a cock magnet.” Justin said his tone heavy with mirth.

Brian turned him around in his chair and pulled him up, pressing against him.

“Oh no Sunshine, it wasn’t the crown. It was your hot bod slithering up and down that pole that drew those men to you.” Brian drawled seductively.

“I want to watch you dance on that pole again tonight. You were so fucking hot.” He said as he pressed his hard cock against Justin’s’.

“Mmmm… I can dance all night on that.” Justin said seductively as he slid his cock up and down against Brian’s.

Brian reached into Justin’s pants and grabbed his cock. Justin gasped.

Brian chuckled deep in his throat. “You’re so fucking easy.” He said.

“Lucky for you.” Justin teased and turned his head to kiss Brian.

Their tongues met passionately. Justin moaned into Brian’s mouth. He missed him these past few days. Brian walked them backwards towards the bedroom. They discarded their cloths and got into the shower.

Brian lathered Justin’s’ body, making sure to linger at all of Justin’s sensitive spots. He turned him around and pressed him into the glass wall. Justin let out a heated groan.

“I remember watching you fuck some guy up against the wall in the stairwell.” Brian whispered huskily in Justin’s ear from behind as he slid his hand up between Justin’s legs.

“I remember how hard I got watching you.” Brian said as he spread Justin’s cheeks wide.

Justin sucked his breath in at Brian’s words, and his touch.

Brian slid a finger into Justin. Justin pushed back against him hungrily.

“Put your hands up over your head.” Brian directed.

Justin raised his hands up and flattened them against the glass shower wall.

“Now don’t move. Understand?” Brian asked.

Justin moaned in response.

“Answer me.” Brian demanded.

“I understand..” Justin whispered.

“Good boy.” Brian said then slipped another finger into Justin. Justin pushed back against Brian.

Brian reached up with his free hand and grabbed both of Justin’s wrists and held them firmly against the glass. He leaned in and bit Justin’s neck. Justin gasped at the sensation.

“I said don’t move.” Brian growled into his ear.

Justin was breathing heavy; his cock was pressed up against the shower wall. All Justin could think about was rubbing it against the steamy glass for relief, but he didn’t dare. He waited for Brian’s instructions.

Brian toyed with Justin. Sliding his fingers, one, two, and then three, in and out of Justin. Hot steamy water and soap aiding him in his sweet tortuous mission.

Justin was going to cum. There was no avoiding it. Brian was driving him nuts with his fingers. Brian felt it coming.

“Don’t.” He said then slid his fingers out of Justin and gently cupped his balls. He felt them tighten in his hand; he pulled them down gently causing Justin to hiss in pain.

 

“Shhh…” Brian rasped throatily.

Justin made a deep guttural sound in the back of his throat.

Brian chuckled. “You like that, don’t you?” He asked as he pulled a little harder on Justin’s balls.

Justin sucked in his breath,. “Yess…” He said.

“Tell me what you want.” Brian demanded, and then slipped his tongue into Justin’s ear. He had his wrists pinned up against the wall with one hand, and his balls held tightly in his other hand. Justin was imprisoned. Brian reveled in the feel of having Justin helpless, and wanting.

“You.” Justin answered.

“You don’t get off that easily Sunshine. Tell me what you want.” Brian asked again and nipped at his neck.

“Fuck me.” Justin said.

Brian made a “tsking.” sound. “You can do better than that.” He taunted.

Justin whimpered with desire. “I want you to fuck me hard.” Justin said.

Brian licked the side of Justin’s neck where he left his mark. He released Justin’s balls and grabbed a condom. He held it to Justin’s mouth. Justin tore it open with his teeth.

“Put it on me.” Brian said as he released Justin’s wrists. Justin turned around shakily and took the condom from Brian. He slipped it on him, and met his eyes. They were dark with desire.

Brian grabbed him by the shoulders, spun him around and slammed him against the shower wall. Justin’s breath left his body at the impact.

Brian gave no quarter as he rammed himself into Justin. Justin cried out. Brian ran his hands down Justin’s arms and grabbed his wrists, he pulled them up over his head once more and pinned them against the glass.

“You want it hard sonny boy?” Brian rasped.

Justin gritted his teeth. “YES.” He said, leaving no doubt in Brian’s mind. His boy liked it rough sometimes. Brian marveled at Justin’s sexuality. It rivaled his own. It was one area they never had problems in. It was their best form of communication.

Brian started fucking Justin hard. Licking and nipping at his sensitive skin with each thrust.

“Brian…” Justin moaned.

Brian responded by slamming into him harder.

“Tell me….” Justin rasped.

Brian wasn’t sure what Justin was asking for. Normally when they fucked like this Justin didn’t want to hear words of love. He wanted down and dirty sex.

Brian grabbed Justin’s hair and pulled his head back to capture his mouth. Justin moaned deeply and kissed him hard.

“Tell me what you want.” Justin spoke into Brian’s mouth.

Brian pulled Justin’s head away and looked into his eyes. He smiled. He knew what Justin was doing. His boy always knew what he needed.

“I want to watch you fuck some hot guy while he’s sucking me off. I want to watch you get your cock sucked while I’m fucking your ass. I want to rim you while you fuck him.” Brian said, his lust running wild.

Justin looked into Brian’s eyes, his hunger matching his own. “Lets do it.” He said.

Brian lost it. He bent his head and kissed Justin deep, and thoroughly. He reached down and stroked his cock while he slammed in and out of him. Their fucking was wild and rough and Justin loved every minute of it.

“Now!” Brian said and pushed Justin to his knees. Justin went down on all fours and gave into Brian’s thrusts. Brian grabbed Justin’s hips and pulled him up hard, burying his cock deep inside him. Justin yelled out and came. His body shook with the force of it.

Brian threw his head back and yelled out his orgasm as he followed Justin over the edge, his fingers digging into Justin’s sensitive skin leaving marks.

Spent, he fell over Justin. They collapsed on the shower’s tile floor. The water, cold now, relentlessly beat down on them, yet neither had the strength to move.

Brian reached up and shut the valve off. He panted heavily as he rose up, bringing Justin with him. They tumbled out of the stall and grabbed some towels. Brian took the towel away from Justin and started drying him off.

“Did I hurt you?” He asked as he dried Justin’s body, looking at the marks he left, concern heavy in his voice.

Justin thought he couldn’t love him anymore at that moment. But then again, Justin had many moments when he thought he couldn’t love Brian any more then he already did.

He reached up and brought Brian’s head down for a sweet, tender open mouth kiss, telling him how much he loved him, and how much he enjoyed having sex with him. Rough, tender, anyway he could get it.

He leaned back and looked into Brian’s eyes. A smile played on his lips.

“Lets go to Babylon.” Justin said.

Brian gave Justin one of his hot sexy smiles.

“Babylon it is then.” He said.


	27. Babylon

"I’ve got the stuff that you want  
I’ve got the thing that you need  
I’ve got more than enough  
To make you drop to your knees  
Cause I’m the queen of the night.."

 

~ Whitney Houston

 

“Well those two certainly look happy.” Ben said as he wrapped his arms around Michael from behind.

The loud “thumpa thumpa” of Babylon reverberated through the club. Tonight was the King of Babylon contest. One by one, men took to the stage showing off their “stuff.” The crowd howled their approval for each and every contestant. It was hard to displease this group, Ben smiled to himself. It’s what he loved most about Babylon. It was a place where gay men and women could go and just be happy. Be themselves. It was still very much a straight world out there, but not in Babylon. Babylon was a whole world unto itself, and they owned it.

Michael turned his head to give his partner a kiss. His eyes were misty.

“What’s the matter?” Ben asked rubbing his cheek against Michael’s.

Ben knew Michael loved Brian, and a part of him always would. He worried that Michael was mourning the fact that he was losing a part of Brian. It had always been just the two of them. Then Justin came along and everything changed. He knew it affected Michael more than he let on. He also knew Michael would never tell Brian how he felt. It was too “lesbianic” of an emotion in Brian’s eyes, and Michael never wanted to look bad in Brian’s eyes. He wanted Brian to always see him as his most devoted, loyal friend. There was so much history between them. More than Ben realized. What they did, keeping Brian’s sister safe for almost a year when they were just kids was a bonding experience that would forever stick with Michael, and with Brian. Still, the one constant in life is change. And things were changing for Michael and Brian. Brian had Justin now, and Justin was his world. Though most would scoff at that notion, Ben could see that clearly, and he knew Michael saw it too. It didn’t need to be a bad thing if Michael didn’t let it be. Their relationship had changed, but their bond was still strong. Brian would always be there for Michael if he needed him, that would never change.

Michael smiled up at Ben. “I’m just so happy for Brian.” He said.

“Are you, really?” Ben asked.

Michael looked surprised. “Of course I am!” He whined.

“Brian has had so much misery in his life,..” Michael started to tear up. He looked back to where Brian and Justin were dancing on the floor.

“Look at him. Have you ever seen him so happy?” Michael sighed.

“No, I haven’t. But I’ve only known Brian a short time.” Ben said.

“Well I’ve known him most my life, and I’ve never seen him look like that. It’s as if he’s breathing easier. He’s letting himself be happy. Justin is the best thing that’s ever happened to him.” Michael admitted.

“I can’t believe I was jealous of Justin.” He confessed.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. He was just a kid, and you were doing what you always do when it comes to Brian; you saw Justin as a threat to him and you were trying to protect him. But now, it’s Justin’s job to watch out for Brian.” Ben paused. “Are you ok, with that?” He asked his lover.

Michael smiled sadly. “I guess I’ll have to be.” He said as he leaned back against Ben letting himself be engulfed in his lovers embrace.

“Though I’ll always be there for him, if he needs me.” Michael said.

Ben kissed the top of his head.

“Do you know how much I love you?” Michael asked Ben.

“Hmmm…..no, I think you should show me when we get home.” Ben teased.

Michael laughed. “Seriously. It amazes me how understanding you are when it comes to Brian. I don’t know if I would be that understanding if you had a best friend like mine.” Michael said.

“I love you Michael. I’ve known from the beginning that you loved Brian, that he would always be a part of your life, and I accept that because he is part of who “you” are. And I love all of you.” Ben told his lover.

Michael turned into Ben’s embrace so that he faced him.

“Oh are sooo going to get lucky tonight!” Michael said smiling impishly at him.

Michael had taken Rena’s advice and been practicing “cock worshiping” on Ben.

Ben’s cock stiffed at Michaels words. He’d been the lucky recipient of Michael’s newfound interest in his cock. He was driving Ben crazy with his technique. He got Ben to the point when he got stiff just from Michael looking at his cock in “that” way.

 

“Keep looking at me like that, and we won’t make it to the car.” Ben pressed up against Michael for emphasis.

“Well there must be something in the air!” Emmett came up behind them.

“Hey Em.” Michael said and released Ben to greet him.

“How’s it going Emmett?’ Ben asked.

“Fabulous! This has to be the best King of Babylon contest ever! I think every hot guy in Pittsburgh is here tonight! ” Emmett turned towards the dance floor so quickly Michael had to jump out of the way so the drink in Em’s hand wouldn’t spill on him.

“Everyone’s dripping with excitement! Just look at Brian and Justin tear up the dance floor. They look so hot, there’s not a soft cock with in ten feet of them. Then I come here and find my dearest friend in a passionate embrace with his hunky lover.” Emmett sighed.

“Must be something in the air. Love’s abound, everywhere!” Emmett said and flared his arms around, gesturing to the crowd.

“More like lust.” Ben chuckled.

“Lust is good my dear boy. I wish some of that lust would spread itself, or it’s legs, my way.” Emmett complained.

“I didn’t just wake up looking this good you know, I took a lot of time with this outfit. This, my dear boys, is what they call style.” He said dramatically and twilled around flamboyantly for Ben and Michaels’ benefit.

He was wearing orange striped pants and a white pirates blouse that was unbuttoned down to his navel, and tied at the waist showing off his belly button.

“You look totally hot Em.” Michael said, holding back his smile.

Emmett huffed. “You would think some guy would at least offer to buy me a drink!”

“Get a drink for my friend here.” Brian said to the bartender as he approached the bar, leaning his body over it. Justin was right behind him, his hand hooked into the back of Brian’s jeans. Both were breathing heavy, and sporting huge smiles.

“Thanks Bri! At least someone appreciates my sense of style.” Emmett preened.

“I’ve seen hobo’s with more style sense then you. I’m buying you a drink so you don’t fucking twirl around again. I almost threw up watching that nauseating display.” Brian jibed.

Justin tugged on his jeans in warning. “Be nice.” He laughed.

Brian paid for the drink and handed it to Emmett. “Honeycutt, I’m about to do you a huge favor.” He said.

Emmett pouted, but took the drink. “I doubt that.” He said. “And don’t call me Honeycutt.” Brian laughed.

He went to Emmett and placed his hands on his shoulder, and then he slowly turned him around to the catwalk. “Look up.” He said.

Emmett looked up and saw, wait, it couldn’t be…

“Is that who I think it is?” He asked surprised.

Justin looked up and let out a shocked gasp. Brian looked behind him at Justin and smiled.

“Surprised?” He asked.

“I never would have guessed!” Justin said, truly stunned.

Michael and Ben looked up to see who they were talking about.

“No fucking way!” Michael said. “Bri, did you know?” He asked.

“Yeah, I knew. It’s his first time out. He’s very old school. He’s been in the closet his whole life. I believe he’s a virgin.” Brian said.

Emmett swallowed hard. “Um, and how is this doing me a favor?” He asked.

Brian sighed. “Do I have to spell everything out for you Honeycutt?” He quipped.

“Don’t call me Honeycutt.” Emmett repeated, his eyes riveted to the catwalk above them.

“Listen to me, Em, are you listening?” Brian asked, his hands still on Emmett’s shoulders.

Emmett tore his eyes from the catwalk to look at Brian. “Yeah, I’m listening.” He said sharply.

“I’m pretty sure he’s a top. And he needs an experienced considerable bottom to guide him. Who better than you? You need to top from the bottom Em, can you do that?” Brian asked.

Emmett blinked and pushed away from Brian. “Are you fucking crazy?! He wouldn’t want me! I mean, look at him, he’s so fucking hot. I can’t even believe he’s gay!” Emmett shrieked.

Brian sighed heavily. “Stop being such a fucking drama queen Em. Just approach the man. He likes you. He told me so. I told him to come here tonight, that you would be here. But you will have to make the first move.” Brian took Emmett by the shoulders again.

“I’m trusting you take care of him, do you understand me Em?” He looked intently at Emmett.

Emmett knew that Brian asking, and trusting him to do this was an honor. He would never entrust a “first” timer to just anyone. Especially if that first timer was someone important to Brian, and the man on the catwalk was very important to Brian.

“Brian, are you sure?” Justin asked him. He was having a hard time believing it himself.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Brian responded.

“Ok Kinney, but if you’re wrong about this I swear to God……..”

“Yeah, yeah, just get your fairy ass up there and take care of the man.” Brian said and pushed Emmett towards the stairs to the catwalk.

Emmett straightened his shoulders and shook his head. “Ok, here goes nothing.” He said and went up the stairs.

He got to the top and stopped. “Okay, Em, you can do this. Like aunt lulu use to say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.” He said to himself. He walked down to where the man was standing, leaning against the railing.

He stopped next to him and leaned over with him.

“Hey there handsome, what’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?” Emmett said as an icebreaker.

“Looking for you.” James said turning to Emmett smiling.

 

*********************************************************************

 

“Tell me how hot I look again.” Justin whispered into Brian’s ear as he grinded his body against Brian’s on the dance floor.

“And they call me the attention whore.” Brian laughed as he pulled Justin into him and swayed to the music.

They were having such a good time tonight. Justin was absolutely beaming. He had this light around him that was blinding. Brian never saw Justin look so beautiful. That was the only way to describe the boy, no matter how lesbianic that sounded. Justin glowed tonight. Brian felt something so foreign to him. Happy. Real happiness. He didn’t want the night to end. Talk about lesbianic thoughts! He laughed to himself. Fuck it. It was Friday night; he was at Babylon with the hottest guy in the place. Why shouldn’t he be happy?

Babylon was on fire tonight. The contest was over. The winner had his admirers lined up hoping for a go with him, the losers where being consoled by their supporters. The mood in the club was seductive and infectious.

He and Justin were both dressed to kill and ready for action. They were like magnets. Every hot guy in the place had their eyes on them. Normally Brian wouldn’t notice. He was use to the attention, but tonight, they weren’t just looking at him, they were drooling over his lover.

“You are the queen of attention whores.” Justin teased. “I could never take that title away from you, now tell me how hot I look.”

Brian leaned down and captured his mouth in an earth-shattering kiss.

“How’s that for an answer.” He said when he pulled back.

Justin’s eyes were glassy. “Not bad.” He replied giving Brian his million-dollar smile.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck. He scanned the room, taking in all the hot guys.

“How about that one?” He said turning his head in the direction of a dark haired, medium height muscled bodied guy checking them out.

Brian turned his head to see who Justin was referring to. The guy was hot, and definitely Brian’s type. But for some reason, Brian found fault in each guy Justin suggested tonight and in truth, most were his type. He was being difficult, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Something was off. Fuck if he knew what. He wanted this, right? The guy was hot and he got hard just thinking about watching Justin fuck him. So what was the problem?

“He looks too eager and his mouths too small. I can just feel those teeth digging into me.” Brian dismissed the trick and turned his head away.

Justin frowned. Brian had rejected every guy Justin knew was his type. He knew Brian needed this. Maybe that was the problem he thought. Brian needed it, but didn’t want it. And if he didn’t want this, it was because he felt it would hurt Justin in someway.

Brian hated all hetero “rituals”. And monogamy was one of those rituals. He was, and Justin knew would always be, a very highly sexual man. He reveled in the fact that he was queer, and that meant having the freedom to fuck who he wanted, when he wanted. It was who he was. And Justin understood that. But Brian believed Justin was a one-man type of gay man. Like Ted, or Mikey. Emmett was more like Brian in many ways. He could be in love with a man, but still trick now and then. He was highly sexual as well. It didn’t mean they didn’t love, it was just who they were. Brian once told him that the reason why gay men had such a hard time being monogamous was because they were men, not because they were gay. And men in general, given the chance, like to fuck around. If straight men were giving permission by their women to fuck around, 9 out of 10 would.

What Brian didn’t understand was that even though Justin was more like Mikey and Ted when it came to relationships, he was young, and very sexual himself. He didn’t like to trick alone, but he was adventurous and on occasion, loved it when he and Brian brought home a trick. He was 19 for Christ sakes! He guessed because of his “waspish” upbringing, ‘as Brian calls it, Brian thought Justin didn’t enjoy it as much as he did.

When they had their talk, Justin told Brian he didn’t like it when Brian tricked in front of him. And he didn’t. Brian could use his tricking as a weapon. Justin wasn’t going to put up with that. He also told him to stop bringing tricks home for him. Brian never consulted with Justin before when he would bring a trick home. He just assumed Justin would “play”. That was the problem. But he also told Brian that he would tell him when he wanted to trick with him, and assured him that there “would” be times when he wanted to. And tonight was one of those times. Brian, however, didn’t think Justin wanted to do this. Brian thought Justin was doing this for him.

“Stop thinking so hard Sunshine. You’re going to give yourself winkles if you keep furrowing your brows like that.” Brian said.

Justin cocked an eyebrow at him. “I’m way too young for wrinkles.” He said.

Justin pulled away from Brian and headed towards the bar. Brian reached out and grabbed his arm.

“Where are you going?” He asked, suddenly worried what had changed Justin’s mood so suddenly.

“I need some water. You want me to get you something?” He said.

Brian gave Justin a worried look. “No. Go get your water. I’ll go check on James.” Brian said then turned and walked in the other direction.

Good Justin thought. Now he’s angry. Justin smiled. When Brian was angry he was brutally honest. Justin would get him to admit why he’s been avoiding finding a trick for them to take home.

Justin made his way through the crowd. He stopped when he heard Brian’s name. Two guys were standing behind the stairwell, just out of view, and Justin heard them talking.

 

“Brian Kinney?” He heard the first guy say.

“Yes, fucking Brian Kinney! Duh!” The other said.

“Fuck, and I just got here! Fucking Pistols was dead tonight, I should have been here. Where is he anyway?” The first guy asked.

The second guy laughed. “Forget it sweetie. He’s with his twink tonight.”

“So?” The first guy said. “Since when did that stop Kinney from tricking?” He asked.

Justin felt his stomach knot.

“Oh man you’ve been away too long! Haven’t you heard? It’s an unspoken rule sweetie. When Kinney has his twink with him, no one is to approach him. If you do, you can kiss his cock goodbye forever, literally. He doesn’t fuck around when he’s with his twink.” The second guy said.

"I don’t believe it. Last I heard they broke up.” The first guy said.

“Yeah well they’re back together now. He was in here a few nights ago tricking with out his twink.” The second guy said.

“See, so he still does trick!” The first guy said.

“Well the stud is still the stud. Got to get his feed.” The second guy chuckled at his own joke. Justin didn’t find it amusing.

“You know Jerry Q?” The second guy asked.

 

“Who doesn’t? Another hot piece of ass.” The first guy said.

“Yeah well he had the nerve to ask Kinney to take him home. Fucking Kinney queened out on him. Told him NO one goes home with him. Jerry hasn’t been in Babylon since, and won’t come back until Kinney cools down.”

The first guy whistled low. “Wow. Since when doesn’t he bring tricks home?” He said.

“I told you, Kinney don’t fuck around near his twink. Unspoken rule sweetie. You can look, but don’t touch. He’s got it bad for that little twat.” The second guy said.

“Lucky little twat.” They both laughed.

 

Justin heard enough. He continued on to the bar, a big smile spread across his face. Brian was making progress.

He walked to the bar where Mikey and Ben were standing.

“Hey you two, why haven’t I seen you on the dance floor.” Justin said and ordered bottled water from the bartender.

“We were out there, you just didn’t see us. You and Brian are pretty much in your own world out there.” Michael said.

Justin smiled. “Yeah, well it’s been a stressful month for us. It’s good to just let loose.” He said and paid the bartender for the water. He opened the top and drank half of it down in one swallow.

“Justin, I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Michael leaned into him. “How would you feel about doing another issue of Rage with me?” He asked.

When Justin left Brian for Ethan, Michael and he stopped working together. There was just too much tension there. Rage had suffered. Michael had been getting a lot of requests for a second issue.

“Sure that sounds great. You got a story plot in mind?” He asked.

“I’m working on one. When do you think we can get together to talk about it?” Michael asked.

“How about Monday night?” Perfect Justin thought. He didn’t tell Brian about the dinner he was planning. They weren’t exactly talking since Rena’s welcome home party, and Justin didn’t want to spoil this evening. Brian would hate it of course, and probably wouldn’t show up. Another “hetero” ritual in his opinion. The “lovely couple” having a dinner party.

Brian just might stay though if he thought part of the reason for this dinner was so Michael and he could immortalize him once again in the Rage character. Justin silently laughed to himself. Brian was truly vain. He loved that they created a super hero based on him.

“I’m having a dinner party Monday night. I was going to call you tomorrow and ask you and Ben to come. It would be a perfect time to talk about Rage.” Justin said.

Michael looked to Ben. “Monday night ok for you?” He asked.

“Sure, I don’t have any plans after class on Monday.” Ben said.

“We’ll be there then. Who else is coming?” Michael asked.

“Coming where?” Brian said. Justin jumped; Brian had snuck up behind him.

“How are James and Emmett doing?” Justin asked.

“Emmett is so nervous he’s talking James ear off. I told him to just take James home and fuck him and shut the fuck up. James looked like he was ready to slit his wrist if he had to listen to another minute of Emmett’s inane prattling.” Brian snapped.

“Brian! Jesus I hope you didn’t say it like that. Never mind, you did.” Justin sighed disapprovingly.

Brian gave him a face. He ordered a shot of Beam

“Mikey and I are going to do another issue of Rage.” Justin said.

Brian put his tongue in his cheek and looked at them oddly.

“Really?” He said. “So I’m to be resurrected?” He drawled.

“If your ego can stand it.” Justin quipped.

“Brat.” Brian drank down the shot of Beam and ordered another one.

“I’ve asked Ben and Michael to come over Monday night to discuss it. I’m having a few people over for dinner.” Justin said holding his breath.

“What people?” Brian asked dangerously.

“Just family and friends.” Justin reassured him.

“Who.” Brian asked.

Justin knew he wasn’t getting around this one. “I was thinking of asking Rena and James and Shane of course.” Justin said.

Brian snorted. He paid the bartender and drank down his second shot of Beam.

“You really don’t expect me to endure a dinner with Shane do you?” Brian asked.

“You know you like her. So stop.” Justin said.

“Well I don’t.” Michael said. Justin sighed.

“She’s really not that bad Mikey. And she’s very close to Rena. You wouldn’t want to hurt Rena’s feelings, would you?” Justin asked.

Brian laughed. Justin had a way of getting people to do exactly what he wanted them to.

“No, of course not. We’ll be there, and I’ll behave. I doubt she will though.” Michael whined.

“She won’t.” Brian said and walked over to Mikey and threw his arm around his shoulders. “But look at it this way Mikey, she’ll be on our turf and out numbered.” He said.

He bent over and whispered to his friend. “I think we can take her.”

Michael laughed. “I doubt that too.” He said his voice filled with mirth.

“Well if we can’t your boyfriend here can defend us.” Brian looked at Ben.

“Hey, you two leave me out of this!” Ben said. They all laughed.

“Thank you for inviting us Justin. Can we bring anything?” Ben asked.

“No, I’m cooking rack of lamb.” Justin said.

“I just might come home for that.” Brian said. Justin gave him a reproachful look.

Ben nudged Michael. “Time to go home.” He said.

“Nights young Mikey, dance one dance with me.” Brian said.

Michael smiled and looked at Ben. “Go ahead.” Ben said. Michael mouthed “thank you” to Ben and turned to walk with Brian to the dance floor.

Justin turned to Ben. “How’s Mikey doing?” He asked.

Justin knew Michael’s final acceptance of him in Brian’s life must be hard on him.

“He’s adjusting.” Ben said. Neither said another word. There was a quiet understanding between them. Their partners were connected in a way that was very special. But their lives were moving in different directions. Both were coming to terms with how that redefined their friendship.

After two songs, a very winded Michael, and very wired Brian came back to the bar.

Brian reached for Justin and pulled him in for a kiss. “You going to dance with me or hold up this bar all night?” He said.

“This bar is holding me up after a kiss like that.” Justin said breathless from the kiss.

“Ok you two, we’re off. We’ll see you guys Monday night.” Ben said.

Brian went over to Michael and kissed him on the mouth. “You better write me a fucking fantastic storyline. I’m am after all, a super hero.” He said.

Michael smiled up at him. “As if I would write you any other way?” He said and hugged Brian.

They said their goodbyes and left. Brian watched Mikey walk away. He smiled. Little Mikey was growing up. It was good that their friendship was evolving. Brian worried Mikey wouldn’t let go. But he has, and Brian was happy for them both.

 

“So, are we going to talk about this?” Justin said.

Brian sighed loudly and dramatically. “What the FUCK is it with you and talking? Do you have some affliction or something I should know about?” Brian complained.

“My “affliction” is you! Tell me why you’re punishing me!” Justin yelled

Brian gave him a stunned look. “I swear to God Justin you are going to drive me fucking crazy! How the fuck am I punishing you?!” He said clearly exasperated.

“All night I’ve been trying to find a trick for us to take home but you’re being difficult! Why won’t you let me have some fucking fun!” Justin’s eyes blazed.

Brian was taken a back. “You’re kidding me, right? You never really wanted to take a trick home. Who are you bullshitting? You’re trying to please me. I get it. But don’t’ EVER sacrifice yourself for me. Understand! Don’t ever do something you don’t want to because of me. That’s not love Sunshine.” Brian said angrily.

Bingo. Justin knew all he had to do was piss Brian off and he’d get the truth out of him.

“Jesus Chris Brian, I thought we were beyond this!” Justin said, frustration heavy in his voice.

“Do you honestly think at this point, I would trick just to fucking please you? You KNOW how I feel about it. But I also told you that there would be times when I would WANT to trick with you. Well I got some news for you. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES!” Justin shouted. Anyone near them would have heard his rant.

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes and saw them dark with anger. And behind that anger, Brian saw lust. His boy WAS horny! He laughed out loud. Justin really wanted them to take a trick home. Brian’s cock grew instantly hard. He grabbed Justin and crushed him to him, kissing him hard.

“You really are going to drive me crazy, you know that?” Brian said into Justin’s ear and growled.

Justin groaned. He really was horny and wanted them to have some good old fashioned down and dirty sex.

“I get to pick then?” He asked

“Anyone you want sonny boy.” Brian said. Justin smiled brilliantly.

He scanned the room and found the perfect guy.

“That one.” He said pointing to the dance floor.

Brian looked and knew immediately who Justin was pointing at. The guy was tall, like Brian, auburn hair, like Brian, and pretty hot from what he could see.

“Hmmm… “ He said. “Double your pleasure then?” Brian teased.

Justin playfully slapped his shoulder. Brian laughed.

“Well go get him tiger!” Brian said and turned Justin towards the dance floor.

Brian watched Justin approach the man in question. He almost felt sorry for the guy. Justin was going to tear him up tonight. Brian smiled.

This relationship thing wasn’t half bad he thought.


	28. The Morning After

“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.”

 

~ Frank Herbert

 

The afternoon sun danced off the brilliant colors on the canvas. Justin loved this room. The natural lighting was an artists dream.

Rena made use of the most advanced architectural design to maximize the massive amount of sunlight that filtered through the atrium. She had it constructed so that virtually anything could be grown in it.

So far the indoor garden housed dozens of Areca Palms, Ficus and Ivy of course. Rena loved Ivy. Hedria, Japanese and Persian Ivy climbed the walls of the atrium. Justin had to take an allergy pill just to walk into the place. But he didn’t mind. The room was breathtaking.

Rena had set up a small art studio in the corner of the massive room, complete with all the tools an artist would need. His first reaction was to refuse such a gift, but the artist in him just couldn’t. She told him that he could repay the favor by painting her something she could put in the living room. It was currently lacking sophistication, as she put it. She wanted something to reflect her personality. Justin was up for the task.

Justin woke up this morning and felt like painting. Last night was amazing. Brian was amazing. They were amazing. He was inspired.

The minute he walked into the Atrium he started painting. His hand moved on it’s own accord creating images of inexorable passion. Justin was pouring his soul onto the canvas. He had no idea how long he’d been there, but he assumed it was a while; his hand was cramping. He frowned at the interruption. Fucking hand. It never let him forget he was damaged, or what had caused that damage. He reluctantly put the paintbrush down and started massaging his hand.

“Ah, your nemesis has reared its ugly head I see.” Rena said as she approached him carrying two cups. She handed one to Justin, it smelled like cinnamon tea.

“Mmmmm..” Justin closed his eyes and took in the calming scent of the tea. He took a sip.

“My nemesis?” He asked, not sure what Rena was referring to.

“Your hand. I saw that look on your face. Does it happen often?” Rena asked.

Justin gave her an irritated look. “Often enough.” He said angrily.

Rena sat down on a stool near the canvas and took a sip of her own tea.

“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about Justin?” Rena asked.

Justin curled his lip sarcastically at her. “No, have you?” He countered.

“Jesus don’t snipe at me! I’m very much aware of my own problem. I’m dealing with it, just so you know, I called Dr. Weston, who works at Remington’s, and set up an appointment with him. I haven’t told Bean yet, but he should be pleased.” Rena informed Justin.

Justin looked contrite. “I’m sorry Rena. I didn’t mean to snap. Brian will be very happy to see you took the initiative.” He said.

“It’s just that I was so in the zone just now, and then my fucking hand has to start acting up. It kills my inspiration and I’m afraid it will kill my chances of being a serious artist one day.” He sighed and looked at his work.

“Pssfft!” Rena made the childish offending noise. Justin smiled. Rena had this wonderful playful quality at times. Something he noticed in Brian as well. He was glad that Rena felt comfortable enough to act that way with him. He went to sit down next to her.

“You ARE a serious painter Justin. Many famous artists work with disabilities. Your problem is, you don’t deal with your disability. Most of the cramping comes from your brain damage, and part of that damage stems from your memory loss. You need to deal with that.” Rena told him

“I’ve tried that Rena. Brian tried to get me to remember. I remembered the moment right before I got bashed, I remember seeing the bat come towards my head, but I don’t remember anything that happened before that night.” Justin looked away, his face red with anger.

“It’s not fucking fair! Daphne tells me it was the most romantic thing she’d ever seen. Brian, coming to my prom and dancing with me.” He looked at Rena, tears shinning in his eyes.

“I would gladly take another bat to my head to get that memory back.” He said passionately.

Rena’s heart ached for Justin’s loss. His pain was tangible. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

“Justin, don’t say things like that. It’s one memory, you and Brian will have many, many more.” She said reassuringly.

Justin shook his head. “Not like that one Rena.” He sighed dejectedly.

Rena studied him. Justin needed to talk to someone about this.

“Justin, why aren’t you seeing a therapist about this?” She asked.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Brian talked to someone. That’s when he tried to recreate the night, to try to trigger my memory. All I remember was the flash of that bat. My doctor said I probably wouldn’t remember anymore.” He said.

Rena could sense there was more to it than that. “And?” She asked.

Justin got up and went to stand in front of his painting. “And Brian doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to upset him. If I started seeing a therapist, he would worry something was wrong. And of course, he would blame himself. It’s what he does you know.” Justin looked over at Rena, a knowing smile played on his lips.

“Yes, he does do that.” She admitted.

“Justin, I have a suggestion, if you’re willing to try.” Rena said.

Justin cocked his brow. “Will it land me in jail?” He retorted.

Rena laughed. “What HAS Bean been telling you about me!”

Justin laughed with her. “Oh just that you had a penchant for getting into trouble.” He said.

“Yeah, well I’m older and wiser now. I think.” She made a face.

“Seriously though, have you considered being hypnotized?” She asked.

Justin looked at her questioningly. “No one ever suggested that before. Do you think it would work?” He asked, afraid to let hope sink in.

“I can’t make any promises, but I’ve used it many times, and very successfully to help patients recall suppressed memories of childhood trauma’s.” She said.

Justin’s eyes grew wide. “Rena, are you saying you could help me regain my memory from that night?” He asked expectantly.

“I’m saying that it’s worth a try, if you’re willing.” She said.

“Hell yes!” He said. “I’ll try anything at this point!” Justin said.

Rena smiled at him. “Just don’t get your hopes up too high. It might not work.” She cautioned.

“I won’t.” Justin said. “So when can we do this?” He asked.

“Lets wait. I want you to think about it first. You should never make any decisions hastily Justin.” Rena said.

“Hell, that’s how I live my life! On impulse.” Justin laughed.

“You should have seen the look on John’s face when I showed up unannounced at Remington Pharmaceuticals yesterday.” He said.

Rena’s body stiffened. John. She couldn’t shake the guilt she was feeling over kissing him at the party. Worse, she couldn’t shake the lust she felt every time she thought of that kiss! She’d been kissed a lot in her time, but never had a reaction like that. God the man could kiss.

“You went to see John?” She asked, trying to keep her voice as nonchalant as possible.

Justin wasn’t fooled though. “I did, and I invited him to dinner on Monday night. By the way, you are expected to come, and Shane and James of course.” Justin said.

“JAMES!” He yelled as if just remembering.

“Rena! Did you know about James!?” He said, incredulously.

Rena laughed at the look on Justin’s face. “Yes, I knew. I’ve tried for years to get James to open up about it. But he refused to acknowledge it. I didn’t push it. Something like that can’t be forced.” Rena said.

“But I don’t understand, I thought he was in love with you. I mean, he truly worships you; he’s dedicated his life to you. I’d call that love.” Justin said.

“It is. I don’t know how to explain this,” Rena paused and thought for a second.

“I’m his Judy or Barbara, understand?” Rena asked Justin.

“Kind of, but its more than that.” He said.

“You have to realize that James comes from a culture where being gay was not acceptable. He has a military background. He was a covert undercover agent for a while. He comes from a very well established Russian family. He couldn’t possibly be gay. If known, it would be a stain on his family. I’ve never met anyone as traditional as James. You see how he acts. So instead, he channeled all those repressed feelings into me. For a time, I actually thought he just might be bi. But then I fucked him, and I knew.” Rena said.

Justin was taking a sip of his tea when she made that little announcement. He choked and sputtered.

“Jesus Rena you fucked James!?” He said astonished.

“Honey I’ve fucked a lot of people.” She laughed.

Justin laughed. “Is there anyone on your staff you haven’t fucked?” Justin teased.

“Well there is the horticulture guy whose doing the beautiful work in this atrium.” Rena smiled impishly.

“Well you should know that last night, James finally came out. He was at Babylon.” Justin said.

“Ah, that’s why he sauntered in at 5 am looking very pleased.” She said.

“I knew Bean could do it.” Rena mused.

“You asked Brian to get James laid?” Justin asked.

“No, I wouldn’t do that! This was something James had to come to terms with on his own. What I meant is when James met Bean, he saw a man he respected, who was successful, intelligent and confident in his sexuality. Bean called him on it the first day they met in New York. He asked James what the fuck was he doing worshipping a woman he would never want in that way, and by the way would never have. James was shocked at Bean’s bluntness, but he didn’t refute it. After that they became close. I’m glad Bean was able to convince him to finally come out.” Rena said then made a face.

“Wait, I’m not sure if I’m happy about this..” She said.

“Afraid you’ll lose your number one fan?” Justin asked.

“Hell yes! Do you know how addicting being worshipped can be?” Rena pouted.

Justin laughed. “No, but I’ll ask Brian. He gets a lot of worshiping from his many admirers. Must be a family trait.” Justin said.

Rena waved her hand in queenly dismissal. “Oh well, I’ll just have to find another loyal admirer. There are so many to choose from.” She said playfully.

Justin laughed. “Well I better be going.” He put his cup down and bent to kiss Rena on the cheek goodbye.

“I left Brian a short note this morning when I got up, he was still sleeping. We had a very long night.” Justin stretched and yawned. Oh yes, it was a very long, hot night.

“I didn’t intend to be gone this long.” He said.

“Oh no you don’t!” Rena said putting her cup down and pulling Justin down to the seat next to her.

“Come on, give. I want to hear all the juicy details. What did you two do last night!” Rena asked, her eyes filled with mischief.

Justin laughed. “Rena! I don’t kiss and tell.” He said in his best “waspish” voice.

“Fuck that. Come on, dish!” Rena nagged.

“Lets just say, we were, um, well, we shared a trick, ok you happy now Re! And don’t you DARE tell Brian I told you!” Justin said.

Rena slapped him playfully and shrieked. “Good for you! I mean, it was good for you, wasn’t it?” Rena asked, suddenly realizing that it might not have been good for Justin. She knew Bean liked to trick, much like she liked to fuck around, actually a hell of a lot more than she liked to, but Justin was different.

“Rena, it was my idea.” Justin blushed.

“Well, well, well. I’m impressed.” Rena said.

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” Justin teased. “Anyway, I need to get back. I don’t want Brian freaking out thinking that I regretted it the morning after and took off.” He said.

“Shit, you’re right. Knowing Bean he would jump to that conclusion.” Rena agreed. She got up to walk him out.

“I’ll see guys on Monday then?” Justin said as he retrieved his coat and headed towards the door.

“Yip. We’ll be there. Oh and Justin, think about what I said. If you want to be hypnotized or not.” Rena called out.

“I will, I promise. Bye.” Justin said and left the house.

 

It was cold out. Justin pulled the collar of his jacket up to ward off the chill. He got into his Audi and started it up. He was worried how Brian would react to the note he left him. Being impulsive more times than not got him into trouble. When he wrote that note he wasn’t thinking. He was so filled with emotion, he wanted to express it, to say something, but he didn’t’ know what. He just wrote the first thing that came to his mind. He prayed Brian didn’t take it the wrong way.

 

*************************************************************************

 

“Thank you.”

 

Brian read the note for the eight time. What the fuck did he mean by that? “Thank you?” On the surface, it’s pretty cold. Something he would say as he pushed some trick out of his loft. Thanks for the fuck, later. But that wasn’t Justin.

Justin was hot last night. He wore that trick out, and almost wore him out as well. Brian enjoyed every minute of it. He loved seeing Justin having such a good time. They fucked every which way and then some. They sent that trick home very satisfied. And afterwards, they fucked until the sun came up. It was one of the hottest times they had together. Actually, it was “the” hottest time they ever had tricking together. And Brian knew why. It was because Justin had “wanted” it. Which made Brian painfully aware that the other times, Justin really didn’t want it.

Brian frowned. He didn’t like Justin “thanking” him. Brian wasn’t doing him a favor. The note was very polite. Justin pulled out his waspish upbringing when upset. He often dealt with uncomfortable or disturbing situations with extreme politeness. The last thing he wanted was Justin being polite with him.

Fuck it! He threw the note aside. Where the fuck was he anyway? He picked up the phone and dialed Justin’s cell.

 

“Hey!” Justin answered cheerfully. “You finally up? I’m I mean, awake.” Justin said playfully into the phone.

“Where the fuck are you?” Brian answered.

Shit. Justin knew Brian would read all sorts of things into that note. Why did he have to leave it? He should have just waited till he could talk to Brian in person. Then Brian could see in his eyes what he was trying to tell him. But no, he once again gave into his impulsive nature. One day he swore he would learn to think before he acts.

“I am on my way home. I was at Rena’s.” Justin said.

Fuck! Brian thought. If he went to Rena’s, it was because he needed someone to talk to. Justin felt comfortable talking to Rena about his feelings. He knew that Justin confided in her. Rena told him that he spoke to her about the bashing. Justin never talked about it; the fact that he told Rena spoke volumes to how much he trusted her counsel. And now, this morning, after they had shared a trick together, Justin was at her house. It wasn’t a good sign.

He sighed heavily into the phone.

“Bri?” Justin wasn’t sure if Brian was still there.

“Yeah.” He said. Justin could hear the disappointment in his voice.

“Did you read my note?” Justin asked, knowing full well he did.

“Yeah, I read it. What am I suppose to say? You’re welcome?” Brian spat out caustically.

Justin flinched.

“You’re not supposed to say anything Brian.” Justin said softly into the phone as he turned onto their street.

“I just wanted to say Thank you.” Justin said.

Brian made an irritated noise on the other end.

Justin pulled into a parking spot in front of their loft.

“Thank you for that look in your eyes when you see me in the throes of passion.” He said.

“Thank you for being the most considerate lover any man could ever ask for.” He put the car in park, and got out.

“Thank you for making me feel like I’m the only one in the room, no matter where we are or what we’re doing.” He continued as he walked into their building.

“Thank you for taking me back after I messed up so badly.” He stepped into the elevator.

“Thank you for letting me make that mistake, even though it hurt you to see me doing it.” Justin closed the gate with his free hand, the other hand held the cell to his ear.

“Thank you for helping me over come the many anxieties I had after the bashing. For making me feel whole again.” He waited impatiently for the elevator to get to their floor.

“Thank you for not pushing too hard when we first met, allowing me to keep coming back.” The elevator finally reached their floor.

“Thank you for taking my virginity and making my first time an experience I shall always treasure. For making me feel like it was not only “ok” to be gay, but it was a special gift.” Justin said as he reached their door.

“Thank you for “choosing” me that night, under the lamppost, when there were so many other men you could have chosen from.”

Justin opened the loft door. He saw Brian standing in front of the bedroom entrance, his back to him, his head bowed, the phone held tightly to his ear. He didn’t hear Justin walk in.

“Thank you for allowing yourself to love me.” He said and approached Brian.

“Brian?” Justin shut his cell and spoke to Brian.

Brian spun around, caught off guard by Justin’s presence.

“Now do you understand the note?” Justin said.

Brian threw the phone over towards the living room.

He walked slowly towards Justin, his movement surreal. Justin looked into his eyes, they were dark, very dark, and glazed.

He reached out for Justin and crushed him to him. He held him tightly, all his emotions pouring out of his pours. Justin buried his face in Brian’s neck. He heard him wheeze a bit. He knew Brian was fighting some pretty strong emotions. Justin just let Brian hold him tight. He wrapped his arms around him and cried. They were both consumed with their emotions. It was the closest he ever felt to Brian.

“Justin..” He heard Brian call his name softly.

“Yes?” Justin whispered into his neck.

 

“Thank you.”


	29. Blue Monday

"What do we live for; if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?"

 

~George Eliot

 

“Theodore!’ Brian yelled into the intercom on his desk.

“I’m right here, you don’t have to yell.” Ted said from Brian’s office door.

Brian smiled up at him. He put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair.

Ted looked behind him. Brian NEVER smiled at him like that, especially on a Monday morning. He was usually hung over. But not today. Today he was very energetic, and looking at Ted like he actually liked him! Ok, something was definitely wrong here.

“Um, you feeling ok boss?” Ted asked.

“I feel fine you idiot!” Brian snapped and sat back up in his chair.

Ah, that was better. That was more the Brian Kinney Ted was use to.

“I was just going over these boards. Did you have something to do with them?” Brian asked.

Ted looked over at the boards Brian was talking about. They were the ones for the Sparkle account. The account Ted landed.

Ted had gone down to the Art department and took over the project. Claude was NOT happy about it, but Ted felt a certain ownership with this account. It was the first big account Ted landed on his own. He knew Claude would run complaining to Brian, but he really felt strongly about the way the ad should look.

“Yes I did Brian. I oversaw the graphics and made some suggestions. I know I pissed Claude off. If you don’t like them, you can take the time it will take to redo them out of my salary.” Ted said.

Brian put his tongue in his cheek and looked at Ted intensely.

“You bet your ass it would come out of your salary. You took a big chance here Theodore. You’re my accountant. I let you pitch that account because I had no choice. I had an emergency. You have no experience. Still, you did land the account. Good job. But don’t assume because you landed one account, that you’re an ad man. In the future, leave the creation process to the experts.” Brian reprimanded Ted.

“I know, you’re right. Sorry. Won’t happen again.” Ted said.

“Having said that. Your idea’s work better than the original concept. We’re going with them.” Brian added.

“Really?” Ted said smilingly broadly.

“Yes, really. Good work Theodore.” Brian said then went back to looking at the boards.

Ted stood there waiting.

Brian looked up. “You can go now.” He said.

“Oh, of course, yes. Thanks Brian. Anything else you need?” Ted asked.

He was jumping up and down inside. He liked when he could step out of his “accountant” role and try something else. He enjoyed being part of the creative team on the Sparkle project. Though Claude fought him tooth and nail, everyone knew Ted out ranked Claude. Ted was more than just Brian’s accountant. Though that was what Brian always called him. His actual title was Executive Financial Administrator. Which meant next to Cynthia, who was Brian’s second in command, he was top gun at the agency.

“No.” Brian said dismissing Ted.

Ted turned to leave just as Cynthia walked in.

Cynthia was training his new secretary. It was the third one this month. Brian was very particular when it came to hiring a personal secretary. It was proving to be a very difficult task. They had to find someone with a spine who had the right amount of charm, mixed in with a bit of perspicacity. They needed to know how to vet; who to let through to Brian, who to channel through to Cynthia, who got special attention, who got blown off. These things couldn’t exactly be “taught”, they had be “felt.” Brian had to have a connection with his personal secretary. God he missed Cynthia!

Cynthia was now Vice President of Kinnetik. She had many other important duties; still Brian didn’t trust any of his personal dealings with anyone else. She still handled all his private affairs. The trick was getting the new secretary to know the nuances of his office’s dynamics.

“Emmett Honeycutt is here to see you. Are you in?” She asked.

Brian looked up surprised. Last time Emmett came to see him it was to ask his help with Ted. Emmett was not comfortable in the “Madison Avenue” atmosphere of his company. “Too many suits.” As Emmett put it.

“Yeah, show him in.” Brian said.

Emmett pranced into the office with his usual flutter and aplomb. Today he was wearing tight white low riding jeans, a stripped green and purple shirt and a God-awful waist length fur coat of some undistinguishable origins. The thing looked like it was shedding.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ Honeycutt. Get a stylist will you? I’ll pay for it. “ Brian said.

Emmett huffed indignantly. “Brian Kinney you are just Jealous. That is all. You can wear all the designer cloths you want. But they will ALWAYS be someone else’s design. Everything I wear is an Emmett Honeycutt original!” Emmett announced proudly.

“Just like me.” He smiled brightly at Brian and hoisted himself up to sit on the edge of Brian’s desk. He crossed his legs and put his hands behind him to lean back on the massive mahogany desk.

Brian sighed. “I’m busy Em. What the fuck do you want?” He said.

Emmett lifted his booted foot and pointed his toe. Imitation snakeskin boots Brian noticed and cringed.

“Well…” Emmett drawled. “I thought you might want to know how it went the other night with James.” He said, totally distracted with his inspection of his boot.

“I assume it went just fine.” Brian said.

“Uhummm…” Emmett made the low satisfied sound.

“You know Brian, you owe me.” Emmett said.

Brian leaned back in his chair. “Oh?” He asked dangerously.

“You do know that man was holding back 30 years, maybe more, of repressed sexual gay emotions. I couldn’t go out for two days!” He gave Brian a scanting look.

“Top from the bottom my ass! Which by the way, he took many liberties with!” Emmett huffed.

Brian laughed. “So he didn’t need any guidance, huh?” He asked.

“Hell no! Man’s been thinking about it his whole life! And I believe he tried out every fucking gay fantasy he ever had on me!” Emmett pouted for effect.

“Oh, poor baby. Do you need your tushy rubbed? I know a guy who gives great ass massages.” Brian jibbed.

Emmett’s eyes widen. “James did that as well!”

Brian burst out laughing. Emmett smiled.

“Lucky for you Kinney I’m a great bottom, and a fantastic lay. I kept up with that man, ALL, NIGHT long.” Emmett smiled liked a Cheshire cat.

“And I owe you how?” Brian asked.

“You owe me cause that man would have tore up any other bottom! NO one could have kept up with him.” Emmett proclaimed.

“That’s why I wanted you to handle it personally Honeycutt. Consider it a compliment.” Brian said.

Emmett smiled. “I will. Thanks.” He jumped off of Brian’s desk.

“As long as you admit I’m the best fucking bottom in all of Pittsburgh, I’ll call us even.” Emmett said.

Brian smiled sardonically at Emmett. “Can’t do that Honeycutt. You’re not.” He said.

Emmett gasped and put his hand to his chest. “Brian Kinney you are a mean hearted son of a bitch! You know very well no one could have handled that man better than me!” He whined dramatically.

“Not true Honeycutt. Sorry. Justin could have done a better job. The only reason I didn’t ask him first was because I didn’t want James to be discouraged when Justin wore him out. His pride was at stake after all.” Brian smiled widely.

“Harrumph!” Emmett sputtered and crossed his arms over his chest. “You are so full of shit Kinney. You didn’t ask Justin cause you don’t want anyone but you touching him.” Emmett countered.

Brian wasn’t about to tell Emmett how wrong he was. He didn’t mind the trick they had the other night touching Justin. He just didn’t want any trick touching him when he wasn’t around. Wait. Where the HELL did that thought come from!

He mentally shook himself.

“At least admit I’m the second best bottom in Pittsburgh!” Emmett demanded.

Brian laughed. Sometimes Emmett was such a fucking queen. But Brian liked him that way.

“If I do will you leave me the fuck alone?” He said.

“If you say it nicely.” Emmett smiled cheekily at Brian.

Brian sighed. “Fine. Emmett Honeycutt is the second best piece of bottom ass in all of Pittsburgh. Happy now?” Brian’s declaration dripped with sarcasm.

Emmett pursed his lips. “Well, I guess that’s as good as I’m going to get.” He said.

“Yes, it is. Now go.” Brian said and turned his attention back to his work.

Emmett made a strange noise and turned to leave the office.

“Wait.” Brian called out, suddenly remembering something.

Emmett turned back. “What? Your majesty requests another favor?” Emmett crooned.

“You do all that catering shit. Justin is having a small dinner party tonight. I thought you could send something over for his table.” Brian couldn’t believe he was actually asking Emmett to do this. He was getting way too lesbianic these days.

Emmett clapped his hands together gleefully. “Oh goodie! I know just the thing! A nice centerpiece for the table. Oh, and maybe some scented candles! What’s his theme?” Emmett asked excitedly.

“What the fuck do I know about fucking themes or hetero fucking rituals! I leave that up to pansy fags like you. All I know is he’s making fucking rack of lamb.” Brian retorted angrily.

It was bad enough he thought to ask Emmett to do this in the first place, now he had to fucking think about themes? Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhh! His mind rebelled.

Emmett gave Brian a disapproving look. “Don’t ruin this for him Brian.” He said seriously. It was amazing how quickly Emmett dropped his queenly persona when he wanted to make a point with Brian. He was smart enough to know Brian listened better when Emmett wasn’t being a prima donna.

“Fuck you Honeycutt. Stay out of my business.” Brian said angrily.

Emmett took a different approach. “Lamb. Mint. Hmmm.” He thought out loud.

“I’m on it.” He said.

Emmett knew enough not to push Brian. He was happy Brian was thinking how he could make Justin’s’ party nicer. That was a big step for Brian. Arguing with him would only make him do something stupid, like not show up to his own boyfriend’s dinner party. Emmett knew all too well how possible that was.

 

“Make sure it gets to the loft before six.” Brian said then dismissed Emmett by going back to work.

Emmett smiled and turned to leave. He would make sure Justin had all the right fixings needed to throw a fabulous dinner party.

 

Two hours later his phone rang. It was either Justin, Rena, Mikey or John. Cynthia made it clear to the new secretary not to let any calls through unless it was from one of them. All other calls went through Cynthia first for the time being.

“Yeah.” He answered the phone.

“Hey. Can you do me a favor?” Rena said.

“What’s up?” Brian asked.

“James is out running some errands and Shane is downtown by you. James can’t pick her up for another hour. Can she hang at your office until he can come get her?” She asked.

“Jesus Rena, make her wait in a coffee shop or something!” Brian bitched.

“Come on Bean, let her wait there. She thinks you don’t like her. It will be good to spend some time with her.” Rena said.

Brian snorted. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He asked.

Rena laughed. “No. I’m not. Trust me. Though you may not believe it, she needs your approval Brian.” Rena said, using his given name, telling him she was serious about this.

“Fuck.” Brian said.

“She is still nervous about not fitting in. She believes that any day you’re going to tell me to get rid of her. She thinks you are still furious with her for calling John your trick at my welcome home party.” Rena explained.

Brian didn’t remember Shane calling John his trick, but he wouldn’t put it past her.

“Fine. She can wait here. But I will throw her confused little ass out on the streets if she fucking makes trouble, understand me Re?” Brian was irritated at this turn of events.

“FINE. Jesus I ask one fucking little favor and you queen out. If you can’t handle her……..”

“Fuck you Rena. I said she could wait here. That will be the day I can’t handle some fucked up little twat.” He huffed.

Rena smiled to herself. She knew exactly how to get her brother.

“Great. Oh, by the way. I made an appointment with Doctor Weston.” She said.

Brian perked up. “Who is he, and how do I know if he’s any good?” He asked.

“Ask John. He heads up John’s research department. He’s one of the best Medical Scientist in the world. He’ll do the preliminary work up on me. Once that is done, if I need a specialist, he’ll recommend one to me.” Rena said.

“Call Cynthia and tell her the date of your appointment so she can clear my calendar for me.” He said. This was one of those personal affairs only Cynthia was allowed to handle.

Rena wasn’t even going to argue. She knew there was no way she was going to talk him out of going with her to the doctor. He had a million questions he wanted to ask.

“I thought you’d be happy.” Rena said.

“Do I sound unhappy?” Brian asked

“You sound irritated.” Rena replied.

“My talents are very diversified Re. I’m great at multi-tasking. I can be irritated and happy at the same time. It’s a skill I’ve acquired over the years.” He quipped.

Rena laughed. “Yeah, that and many other skills.” She coughed into the phone.

Brian smiled. “Brat. Don’t be late for Justin’s dinner.” He said.

“I won’t. Will you be there?” She asked bluntly.

“I haven’t decided yet.” He said honestly.

He and Rena were always like that. There was never any bullshit between them. If someone else would have asked him that he would have came back with a cutting remark, or told them to fuck off. But he couldn’t get away with that with Rena. She knew him too fucking long and too well. Even Justin wouldn’t ask him if he was coming to the dinner or not. Justin, on the other hand, would know. He had this uncanny ability to know exactly what Brian was going to do before Brian even knew. He still hadn’t gotten use to that.

“Well if I don’t see you, call me.” Rena said.

“Why should I call you? You never answer a fucking phone. You always have someone else answer for you. Which I find very strange Rena, what the fuck is that about?” He asked.

There was a long silence on the other end.

“Re?” Brian asked, concerned.

“Long story. No time to tell it now. I’ll talk to you later. Be nice to Shane. Bye.” Click.

Fuck, what was that about! He made a mental note to talk to her about it the very next time he saw her.

 

Fifteen minute later a very cocky Shane walked into Brian’s office and plopped herself down into one of the two Herman Miller chairs in his office.

She was wearing worn, torn jeans with a metal chain wrapped around her waist in place of a belt. A white mans tee shirt and black leather jacket covered the top half of her boyish body. Her hair was dyed very black and was cut uneven. Though that was the intended style. Her eyes were framed with black coal liner. All in all, it was very gothic. Brian could never stand the gothic look.

Brian did however, admire her boots. They were black Yvette men’s boots, made in Amsterdam. Brian owned a pair himself. The contrast of the gothic clothing and the designer boots were not lost on him. It said, “I’m more than you think I am”.

“Nice boots.” He said looking up from his desk to acknowledge her presence.

He had told Cynthia she was coming, that she should just let her in when she got there. He rather she sit with him in his office then roam around the building causing trouble.

Shane looked down at her boot. “Made for walking.” She replied with attitude.

Shane was all attitude. Brian knew that people with that much attitude were hiding a lot of insecurities. She couldn’t be more than 25. Rena had told him she had taken her in when she was just a teen. That was seven years ago.

Brian turned his attention back to his work, ignoring her presence. Shane was perceptively quiet.

A good half hour passed when he heard a ruckus outside his door. He looked up.

“No, no! Please you can’t go in there! I have to run it by Cynthia first!” Brian heard his new secretary pleas. What the fuck was her name anyway?

Claude burst into Brian’s office.

“Get out of my way woman! I’ve important matters to discuss with “YOUR” boss!” Claude said condescendingly.

Shane rose from her chair and approached Claude.

“The lady said no. What part of that didn’t you understand?” She asked the man standing in the doorway of Brian’s office.

Brian sat back, curious to see how Shane would handle this. Claude was increasing becoming a problem. He was very talented, Brian would hate to lose him, but temperamental artists were not conducive to his company’s growth.  
Brian could not let this go on any longer.

Claude raised a contemptuous eyebrow at Shane, and gave her a once over. Disapproval, and a bit of disgust washed over his face.

“And you are?” He asked boorishly.

Shane cocked her head at him. “I’m the one sitting in Mr. Kinney’s office at his invitation, you are the one trying to barge your way in.” Shane countered. Brian was impressed.

“Why you insolent little runt!” Claude stammered. “Do you know who I am!?” He asked incredulously. “ I am the Art director here! I run the Art department!” He announced.

“From where I’m standing, you’re an employee in serious danger of being the “ex” Art director. Mr. Kinney doesn’t tolerate insubordination. Do you honestly think your talents are so special that Mr. Kinney would subject himself and his staff to an ill mannered, conceited, self proclaimed “Art” expert? In case you haven’t noticed, or perhaps just don’t care, there are brilliant Art students graduating every day, who are much younger, innovated, up to date on all the new trends, and hungry, that would give their right arm to work here, and for half your pay.” Shane paused and walked towards the office door and held it open wider, Claude was still standing in the entry.

“I strongly suggest that at this juncture, you turn around, make an appointment to see Mr. Kinney with Jane here, preferably later in the day, much later when he’s cooled down a bit over your little dramatics here, and think about how you can be an asset, instead of a liability to his firm.” Shane physically turned a stuttering Claude around and pushed him out the door.

“And don’t be such a pussy. “You Insolent little cunt” would have been more effective. Who the fuck uses the word runt?” Shane added the insult then slammed the door shut.

She turned around and walked to the chair she was sitting in before Claude invaded the office and slumped back down into it.

Brian just stared at her. He was impressed. Beyond impressed.

“Shane.” He called.

Shane looked up, undisturbed. She acted like the whole incident never occurred.

“Yeah?” She answered.

Brian leaned back in his chair.

“Tell me what you do for Rena.” He asked.

Shane shrugged her shoulders. “Mainly I answer the phone for her. When she needs something, like travel arrangements, or hotel accommodations, car rentals, house rentals, etc. I take care of it.” She said.

Brian bit his bottom lip. “Does this take up a lot of your time?” He asked.

“What the fuck do you care how I spend my time?” She answered lowering her eyes, nervous about where this conversation was going.

She didn’t like Brian asking her what her duties where for Rena. Was he planning on replacing her? Fuck, she knew Rena could do without her. James could do everything she does. In truth, she had way too much time on her hands. Brian could get rid of her anytime he wished. And what does she do? She buts into his business. Great, that will endear him to her. Fuck it. She didn’t care. Fuck it all.

“Shane, look at me.” Brian commanded.

Shane looked up reluctantly.

“Why are you so afraid?” He asked.

Shane gave him a menacing look. “Fuck you.” Was her answer.

Brian folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward. He sighed deeply.

“I’m very disappointed in Rena. She’s obviously a terrible therapist.” He announced.

Shane shot up in her chair and glared at Brian. “What the fuck do you know! You haven’t seen or talked to her in six fucking years! All of a sudden you come back in her life and you think you know everything?! YOU KNOW NOTHING!” Shane shouted at him, tears threatening to spill over from her eyes.

“Rena saved my fucking life!” Shane said as she ripped her jacket off. Then she pulled her tee shirt over her head.

Brian was a little stunned by her intense response, but not unprepared. He knew the insult to Rena would cause a reaction from her.

Brian watcher her as she stripped in front of him. Once the tee shirt was off, she proceeded to unbind her breast. She flattened her breast, adding to her boyish look, with wide ace bandages. Once freed, her breasts were surprisingly full. And then Brian saw them. All the marks. Shane was a cutter. He couldn’t’ stop the small gasp that escaped his lips when he saw the massive amounts of scars she had on her arms and torso. He’d been on the streets, he’d seen cutters, and their scars, but he never saw a case as severe as this.

“LOOK AT THIS!” Shane screamed spreading her arms so Brian could get a good look. Even her breasts and nipples were scarred.

Brian sat back in his chair and studied her.

“I haven’t cut in over 4 years. 4 fucking years! Do you know what Rena did the first time she saw me cutting?” Shane asked, not really wanting an answer from Brian, so he didn’t give her one. He let her vent. She needed to get this out.

“I was in the bathroom of the studio. We were in LA. She had offered me job not even knowing about my cutting. I was fucking 16 and tricking since I was 6. My mother was a crack whore. I was a very pretty little girl.” Shane spat out in disgust, tears streaming down her face.

“Fucking cunt sold me for a hit. I started cutting at the age of 8.” Shane informed him bitterly.

“Rena walked in on me when I was cutting. She took one look, turned around and left. I thought, fucking great. My only shot at a decent job gone. Hey, I was use to disappointment, so I just continued to cut. It was one of my “deep” moments as I use to call them.” Shane said, looking at Brian to see if he understood.

He nodded his head.

“Yeah, well Rena came back about 15 minutes later with a first aide kit. She sat on the floor with me and watched me. She didn’t try to stop me. She just watched and waited. When I was done, she helped me patch up. She was cleaning one of the wounds when she said something that I’ll never forget. She said, “This is going to heal nicely. Part of the satisfaction is seeing the wounds heal. Knowing that no matter how bad you’re hurt, you can always heal.”

Shane paused and looked down at her scars.

“She understood.” She whispered more to herself.

Brian got up from behind his desk and walked over to Shane. He retrieved her tee shirt from the floor and proceeded to pull it over her head. Shane let him do what he wanted. She was emotionally spent, her eyes lowered, her body shook a bit.

“Shane, listen to me.” Brian said as he proceeded to dress her.

“Are you listening?” He asked.

Shane nodded her head.

“You are part of my family. Just as Justin and I are part of your family. That’s not going to change. So do me a favor, ok? Stop this bullshit. I need you.” He said.

Shane snapped her head up, almost clocking Brian under his chin. He laughed and stepped back.

“What do you mean, you need me?” She asked stunned.

“Kinnetik is my baby. I put my whole heart and soul into this place. Cynthia use to be my personal secretary. She “knew” me. She understood how to read me. But she can’t now, she has other duties. I liked the way you handled Claude. You were protecting me. I need someone who’ll look out for my best interest. I need an assistant who understands me. Who would pick up on my idiosyncrasies. Who’ll know how to vet clients, and family when they come into Kinnetiks. “ Brian put his finger under Shane’s chin and looked into her eyes.

“Stop acting like a boy. You aren’t one, and you really don’t want to be one. Stop being afraid of men. Fucking gay men and women is avoiding. You are a straight woman. Just because your mother sold you to perverted straight men, doesn’t mean all straight men are perverted. Trust yourself to at least try dating men.” Brian said searching her eyes to see if she was accepting what he was saying. He saw hope in her eyes. She was hanging on his every word.

“Stop dressing like this. I need you to look presentable when you’re out there representing my business.” He said.

“Can you do this?” He asked her.

Shane blinked a few times. “Rena wouldn’t ask me to change.” She said defiantly.

“Rena has taken you this far. She can’t take you any farther. You have to go the rest of the way on your own. If you don’t want to take the next step forward, I’ll respect that. No matter what you decide, you are still family. That will never change. All I’m asking is that you do, what I believe is what you really want to do anyway. You just need a reason. I’m giving you a reason. I need you.” Brian said.

 

Shane stepped back from Brian. “But who will answer Rena’s phone?” She asked.

Brian frowned. Why was it so important that Shane answer Rena’s calls? There was something very wrong here.

“Rena will have to learn how to answer her own phone again. It’s a fear she has to overcome.” He said confidently, giving Shane the impression he knew why Rena didn’t answer her own phone.

“Jesus Brian, I don’t know. It’s been 3 years and she’s still afraid that one day she’s going to pick up that phone and hear Emilian’s voice again.” Shane dropped that bomb on Brian.

Brian’s face froze. His whole body stiffened. The affect was not lost on Shane.

“FUCK!” She said.

Brian’s stomach lurched.

Emilian was still alive.


	30. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.”

 

~Marcus Tullius Cicero

 

“Hello, I’m here to pick up Shane.” James said to the slim blonde lady sitting behind the desk.

“Oh, you must be James!” Jane looked up at James and gave him a very flirty smile.

James smiled back politely. “Yes, I’m James.” He affirmed.

“Mr. Kinney said you could go right in when you arrived.” Jane said and nodded her head towards the office door. She coyly batted her eyes and played with a strand of her hair.

“Thank you.” James said and walked to the door. Not too long ago a woman flirting with him would have made him uncomfortable. But not today. For the first time in his life he didn’t question his lack of interest in the opposite sex. He had finally embraced his sexuality. It was liberating. He said thank you and left the flirtateuos woman sighing behind him.

 

“Brian, you’re freaking me out, say something!” Shane said. Brian just stared at her. His eyes emotionless, he looked almost like Rena looked when having one of her seizures.

 

“He’s alive.” Brian said. Shane wasn’t sure if it were a question or a statement of fact. She stepped away from him; his tone was ominous. Right now, she felt he was capable of anything. And she didn’t want to be in the line of fire should he flip.

“I don’t know.” Shane said.

 

The door opened behind them. Brian didn’t notice but Shane turned around to see who walked in. She heaved a big sigh of relief when she saw James. She ran to him.

“James, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tell him, I thought he knew!” Shane grabbed James’s jacket and pulled on him.

 

James took in the scene in front of him. Shane was disheveled; her breast bindings were on the floor, along with her jacket. Brian was standing in the middle of the room, frozen with a blank look in his eyes. James saw that look before. Brian was shell-shocked and since there were no actual bombs dropping on them, he assumed it was an emotional bomb that hit him.

He gently pushed Shane out the door. “Wait for me outside.” He whispered to her.

Shane didn’t hesitate, she quickly left the office. James shut the door behind her.

“Brian, tell me what Shane told you.” James said in a very calm voice.

James had experience dealing with explosive situations, and right now Brian’s emotions were a land mine. James needed to thread carefully.

He walked slowly toward him.

Brian’s mind rebelled at what Shane told him. He never imagined Emilian could still be alive. For years he waited for Emilian to come for him. It would have been very easy for Emilian to track him down. It was no secret he moved to Pennsylvania. Brian would have been the first person Emilian would have sought out if he wanted to find Rena. Every night Brian went to sleep with a switchblade under his pillow. But Emilian never came.

When Brian ran off to New York at 15, he went looking for Emilian. He was gone. No one knew where he went, but rumor was he was run out of town. Gossip of how his son died, and why his daughter ran off took it’s toll. He retired early from the police force and was never seen or heard of again. During all those years he had corresponded with Rena, she never mentioned him. They both assumed he was dead. Now Shane tells him that just three years ago, Emilian called her. How could that be?

“Brian?”

Brian heard James voice. He was vaguely aware he was in the room. His mind was racing. He had to act. Rena was in danger. What the fuck was James doing here! Why wasn’t he told!

“Brian, what did Shane tell you?” James repeated.

Brian blinked. “How could you have held that back from me?” He asked accusingly. James flinched from the look of betrayal in Brian’s eyes.

“I’m not sure what you are talking about Brian. Please, tell me.” James said.

“Emilian is alive.” Brian said.

James raised his eyebrow. He didn’t expect that. Actually, he had no idea what Shane could have told him. Brian already knew about the seizures. As far as James knew, that was the only secret Rena withheld from him. He didn’t realize Rena never told him about that phone call three years ago. Then again, they had little time to really talk. Not that either were big on talking.

 

“Emilian is dead Brian.” He said with certainty.

“Dead men don’t make phone calls.” Brian retorted bitterly.

“They make one phone call, then they become dead men.” James said unflinchingly. He knew Brian would understand.

Brian breathed a sigh of relief. “Does Rena know?” He asked.

“She knows he is dead. That is all. She doesn’t need to know anything else.” James stated firmly.

Brian nodded his head. Before James came to work for Viv, he was a CIA agent. His cover was blown when he was on assignment in the Middle East, tracking down a terrorist organization. He was tortured and almost died before he was rescued. Unfortunately, the CIA couldn’t use him any more and he was forced to leave the agency. Though he never talked about that time in his life, Rena often wrote about James “routine”. The man was a security nut. He saw danger everywhere. He finally confided in Rena what he did in his former life. He confessed that he had too much blood on his hands. He was happy to be away from it all. Rena wrote Brian about it. James was loyal to Rena; he loved her and protected her. James was telling Brian that he hunted down, and killed Emilian. Brian was glad. His only regret was that Emilian didn’t die at his own hands.

Brian turned around and went to his desk. He opened his drawer and pulled out his bottle of Beam. He hadn’t had a drink during the day since Justin had confronted him about his drinking last week. He unscrewed the top and drank straight from the bottle. When he was done, he offered the bottle to James.  
James took a long pull from the bottle.

“So why does Rena still fear answering the phone?” He asked.

James shrugged. “Men are easy to kill, ghosts are much harder.” He said.

Brian looked at James. The man was extremely perceptive. Rena had many ghosts running around in her head, much like he had. They were bitches to exorcise. He knew Rena would never be free of Emilian as long she allowed him to live in her mind.

“It’s time Rena and I had a serious talk.” He said.

James smiled and bent to retrieve Shane’s bandages and her jacket. “You are much like your sister. You’d rather face a firing squad then let yourself be exposed emotionally. Talking means unearthing some very disturbing memories. Memories that will open many wounds. I’ve known Rena 17 years, and still, I have no idea what actually happened when she lived in New York with you.” James said as he folded Shane’s bandages, and jacket.

Brian noticed the care in which James handled Shane’s belongings.   
As much as he professed to disliking Shane, it was evident he was very protective of her.

James looked him in the eye. “You and Rena share things neither will ever talk about. I suspect you and Rena won’t even allow yourselves to think about it. And as long as it remains so, you’ll both always have ghosts.” He said.

Brian sank into his chair. James was right. Neither he nor Rena ever spoke of that time. It was the past, and it hurt bad enough the first time they had to go through it, why the fuck would they want to relive it again?

Justin didn’t understand that. He knew Brian and Rena were not dealing with their past. In his own way, he’d been trying to get Brian to talk to Rena. But what he didn’t understand was once that door was opened; he’d have to deal with other things. Like the bashing.

The bashing nearly killed Justin, and it nearly killed him. Brian sat in that hospital for three days, unmoving. He knew in his heart if Justin died, he would die. He almost killed himself when Rena left. If it weren’t for the fact that he knew she was well and being taken care of, he probably would have killed himself. Justin almost died on him. If he had, Brian would not be here talking with James today. He couldn’t relive that time again. In the beginning, Justin had wanted to talk about it, but Brian couldn’t. When Justin was upset, or having an anxiety attack, Brian would just hold him and tell him not to think about it. Brian found it an effective tool. That and drinking and whoring. It was the same with Rena. They were both creatures of habit, mostly bad habits. Habits formed from years of denial. Neither knew how to deal with their pain. Instead, they drugged them, or fucked them away.

“Do you know why Emilian tracked her down after so many years?” He asked, changing the subject.

“He was dying. Cancer I believe. He was facing death and wanted forgiveness from Rena.” James said.

Brian snorted. “She would never forgive him.” He said more to himself.

“She didn’t have to. I told him I forgave him, right before I killed him. It’s my own little attempt at redemption.” James said bitterly.

Brian looked at James. God how does a man live with so much blood on his hands? Even if it’s evil blood. The CIA trained James to be a killer. To kill for the greater good. God what a mind fuck. But then again, this world was full of mind fucks. It starts at birth when you’re told that your parents are the only ones who would love and protect you unconditionally, then you find out they are the only ones who can hurt and destroy you completely.

“I think we need another drink.” Brian said and reached for the bottle again.

“I think we need another bottle.” James corrected.

 

***************************************************************************

 

“Oh my God those are beautiful!” Justin exclaimed as he saw the floral arrangement Emmett was holding.

“And heavy. Honey just don’t stand there! Let me in so I can put this damn thing down. It weighs a ton!” Emmett huffed a bit out of breath from carrying the large arrangement.

Justin quickly pulled the loft door all the way open and let Emmett in.

Emmett walked over to the dinning table that was elegantly set with fine china and set the centerpiece right in the middle.

“Hmmm….this is expensive dinnerware sweetie, I didn’t figure Brian for a Lenox man. Prada, yes, Gucci, yes, but Lenox?” Emmett observed.

Justin laughed. “I borrowed this from my mother. Her mother gave it to her as a wedding gift.” Justin explained. “But “if” Brian were so inclined to buy dinnerware I’m sure it would be Deruta, not Lenox.” Justin gave Emmett a sly smile.

“He does love his Italian wares doesn’t he?” Emmett said suggestively as he looked around the loft.

Justin was going all out with this party. The place looked fabulous, and from the scrumptious aroma assailing him he guessed that Justin’s dinner was going to be a complete smash.

“So your cooking lamb?” Emmett said.

“Yeah, you can smell it?” Justin asked as he adjusted the beautiful flowers in the Mint Julep vase Emmett brought.

“Yes, but that’s not how I know. Brian told me.”

Justin stopped fussing with the arrangement and looked up at Emmett. “Brian?” he asked confused.

“Of course Brian sweetie, did you think I just showed up at of the blue with a floral arrangement for nothing? Brian asked me to pick something up for your dinner party.” Emmett said. “Which, by the way I noticed I wasn’t invited to!” Emmett playfully complained.

Justin looked contrite. “I’m sorry Em, I just wanted this to be special for Brian, Rena and Mikey. They grew up together, and well, I just wanted something special for them.” Justin tried to explain without hurting Emmett’s feelings.

Emmett went over to Justin and hugged him. “Baby! I’m teasing you!” He said.

Justin hugged Emmett back. “My very next party you can be assured you will be first on my guest list! And you won’t have to plan it, I’ll do all the work!” Justin promised.

“Now that’s an invitation I’ll look forward to!” Emmett said gleefully.

“I better be going sugar. It’s almost six; your guest will be arriving soon! Make sure to tell his majesty that I brought that centerpiece before six! Wouldn’t want him bitchin at me. He was adamant I have it here on time!” Emmett said.

Justin blushed. He couldn’t believe Brian actually thought to do something like this! It was so out of character for him. Justin was filled with emotion over this small gesture. It was big for Brian.

“I will Em. And thanks.” He smiled brightly at Emmett.

“Anything for you baby. Now have a good time, and don’t disappoint me! Have a fabulous party!” Emmett blew him a kiss and left the loft.

Justin turned back to the table. Everything looked great. He was happy. A small part of him worried though at what sending the centerpiece meant. When he talked to him this morning Brian told him not to count on him for dinner. He had a lot of work to catch up on. Justin knew it was just his way of rebelling against Justin’s “hetero eating” ritual. Brian knew this dinner was important to him, he would show up. Late, yes, but he would come. Now though, receiving this centerpiece worried Justin that maybe Brian wasn’t going to come. Fuck. He went to the kitchen counter and picked up the phone.

***************************************************************************

 

Brian and James just finished the bottle of Beam Brian had in his desk and was about to go out and finish off another bottle at Woody’s when the phone rang.

“Hey”

“Hello Sunshine!” Brian chirped into the phone.

Justin sighed deeply. Brian was drinking. “You’re not coming.” He said, disappointment clear in his voice.

“Not yet, but if you give me a moment, I’m up for some phone sex.” Brian’s slurred, sultry voice washed over Justin. He hated how Brian could make him hard even when he was fuming at him.

“Some other time.” Justin said, hurt in his voice.

That sobered Brian up.

“Justin, wait.” He said.

Justin held the phone to his ear, waiting.

“We’ll be there. Give me 20 mins.” Brian said.

“We?” Justin asked.

“James is with me.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end. Brian put his thumbnail between his front teeth and leaned back in his chair. Justin finally spoke

“So now I’m down two dinner guests. Anyone else there that I invited?” Justin asked acidly.

“Um, yeah. Shane is here too.” Brian said.

Great. He might as well throw the fucking lamb out.

“FINE!” Justin screeched into the phone and hung up.

Shit. Brian hung up the phone. “Get Shane, we’re late for dinner.” He said to James.

James got to his feet quickly. The man’s reflexes were surprising quick for a man who just finished ½ bottle of Beam.

James opened the office door and looked around for Shane. She wasn’t there.

“Do you know where Shane is?” He asked Jane.

She smiled up at him. “She left about ½ hour ago. She called a cab. I held all of Mr. Kinney’s calls; you were in there for 2 hours. She got tired of waiting.” She said.

James turned back to Brian. “She left already.” He told Brian.

Brian had his coat on and briefcase in hand. He quickly walked past James and headed out of the office.

He looked back at Jane before he left. “Tell Cynthia I went home.” He instructed, and then strolled out of the building, James was on his heels.

Brian pulled out his cell phone and called for car service. Though he was sobering up quickly… fuck he thought, Justin was right. His body was too use to the booze… he still wouldn’t take the chance driving.

The car got there in five minutes. Brian and James got in.

“Are you ok?” James asked Brian. It had been a very emotional afternoon for the man.

Brian looked out the car’s window. His eyes distant. “No. But I will be.” He said determinedly.

James nodded his head. He believed him. Brian Kinney would be just fine. They rode the rest of the way in silence.

***************************************************************************

 

Rena walked into the loft warily. The look on Justin’s face when he opened the door was forbidding to say the least. He was NOT happy. Shane followed behind her.

 

“What did he do now?” She asked.

Justin shot her an irritated glance. “YOUR BROTHER…” he started.

Rena waved her hand cutting him off. “Why is he MY brother when he fucks up and you’re partner when he’s being good?” Rena teased. Shane was the only one who laughed though.

Justin’s anger deflated a bit. He went to Rena and hugged her. “I’m sorry Re. You know how he can get to me.” He said.

“Hey, don’t talk about my boss like that.” Shane said.

Justin released Rena and looked at her.

“What do you mean your boss? And by the way, what are you doing here?” He asked.

“I was invited, I thought. Fuck, I didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t see ME bringing a trick to the party!” She shot back at him.

“Shane, I’m sorry, but I just got off the phone with Brian and he said you and James were with him.” Justin said.

Shane laughed. “I’m surprised they remembered I was still there! They were busy getting drunk, so I left.” Shane sauntered over to the table and started picking at the hors d’oeuvers.

Rena took her coat off. “Seems that Bean offered her a job. He wants her to be his assistant.” Rena told Justin.

Justin took her coat, surprise evident on his face. “I can’t believe it! I mean, I know Shane is capable, but Brian’s secretary?” Justin said.

“Are you really surprised?” Rena asked looking at Justin.

Justin looked over at Shane. No, it made sense. As much as Brian claimed to dislike Shane, Justin knew he liked her. She had the one quality Brian valued above all else. Loyalty. Shane would be extremely loyal to Brian, and Brian could trust her. Justin smiled, oh what a time those two would have! She would be good for Brian Justin thought.

“No.” He turned back to Rena. “So is this why he’s getting drunk with James?” He asked.

Rena shrugged her shoulders. “I have no idea. Shane won’t say. But I suspect it has something to do with her. She only shuts her mouth when she’s in danger of being in trouble. She snuck in the house, and has been avoiding me since. I don’t know what she did, but I do know I’m not going to like it.” Rena frowned over at Shane.

 

There was a knock at the door.

Michael and Ben walked in carrying a large tray of cookies. Justin greeted them both and thanked them for the cookies. Michael pulled him aside as soon as he got his coat off and started talking about his new idea for Rage. Ben went over to the table where Rena and Shane were and sampled the hors doeuvers.

“Rena you are looking very beautiful tonight.” Ben complimented.

“What, and I look like shit?” Shane threw in.

“No Shane, you look lovely as well.” Ben commented.

“Bullshit. But nice try handsome.” Shane said smiling. Ben laughed.

The phone rang. Justin excused himself from Michael, thankful for the interruption, and answered it.

“Hey Justin.” John said.

“I thought I wasn’t going to get this phone call?” Justin stood in the kitchen and wrapped his free arm around his waist. Rena looked over at him. Whoever was on the phone just pissed Justin off. Must be Bean she thought.

“This is NOT that phone call. I’m just calling to say I’m going to be late. I have to drive my brother home, he had a doctor’s appointment that ran later than we thought.” He said.

“Well did you guys have dinner?’ Justin asked.

“No, not yet, I’m waiting for that delicious lamb.” John said.

“Then bring your brother with you! We’d love to meet him. I have plenty.” Justin offered.

“That’s very kind of you Justin, but we wouldn’t think of imposing.” John said.

Justin made a sound. “Don’t be silly! Come on. It will be fun.” Justin turned his back and whispered in the phone. “Besides, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind having your brother here as support. Rena is here.” He said, knowing that John was nervous about facing Rena again.

John laughed. “Am I that obvious?” He said.

“No, I just know how I would feel. So you’ll bring him?” Justin asked.

“One minute let me ask him.” John said.

There was silence on the other end. Not exactly silence, Justin could hear background noises but he didn’t hear any voices. Odd he thought.

John got back on the phone. ‘Rob said he would love to come.” He said.

“Great, see you in a bit then.” Justin hung up the phone.

 

Rena walked over to him. “Who was that?” She asked.

“John.” Justin said casually knowing full well Rena was not going to be casual about this.

“Fuck Justin why did you invite him!” She asked a bit too loudly. The others in the room turned to look at her.

“Rena, it’s no big deal. You need to get past what happened, and so does John. It was awkward, but it’s over. John is Brian’s friend; you two are bound to bump into each other now and again. Might as well get the first time over with.” He reasoned.

Rena made a pouty face and went and sat down.

Well that went better then he thought. Justin went to the kitchen to baste his lamb.

The loft door slammed open. Justin raised his head from the oven and wished he stuck his head in it instead. Brian was being dramatic.

“HONEY I’M HOME!’ He yelled into the loft. Justin groaned.

Brian strolled into the loft and headed for Justin. He dropped his briefcase and slipped out of his coat, letting it fall to the floor. Justin stood up and closed the oven door. Brian jumped up over the counter with great agility and grabbed Justin. Justin gasped as Brian brought his mouth down onto his.

The kiss was domineering, and pretentious. Brian was playing to his audience. Justin turned the tables on him though and reached between his legs, knowing no one could see his actions behind the counter. Brian moaned into Justin’s mouth and deepened his kiss. His mood suddenly changing with Justin’s touch.

Justin released him and brought his mouth to his ear. “I always liked the taste of whiskey on your tongue, just not at 2 in the afternoon.” Justin whispered in his ear and gently nipped it.

“It’s after six Sunshine, and shut the fuck up.” Brian said and turned away from the Justin. He opened the refrigerator and took out a bottled water.

Justin gave him a knowing smile and bent to retrieve his lamb from the oven. Brian reached over and playfully smacked his ass. Justin turned his head to look up at Brian and glared. OH he was so going to pay for that!

“Hey you two, there are other people here you know!” Michael said laughing.

Brian went over to him and gave him a kiss on the mouth. “There, feel better now?” He teased. Michael blushed and pushed him away.

“Bri you got to see what I have planned for Rage!” He said excitedly.

“Later. I’m starving.” Brian said.

James was sitting by Rena. He wasn’t as use to drinking as Brian was. He felt it best if he remained as immobile as possible. Brian saw Rena sulking in the chair. He went over to her and hugged her from behind.

“Hey gorgeous, no greeting for your brother?” He said, emotion thick in his voice. Rena looked behind her. His tone worried her. She stood up and walked around to him and hugged him. “What’s wrong?” She whispered in his ear.

“Later.” He said and hugged her tightly.

There was a knock at the door.

Brian looked over to Justin questioningly.

Justin went to answer the door. John stood in the doorway with had a bottle of Merlot in his hand. Next to him stood a very handsome young man. He looked a lot like John.

“Thanks for coming.” Justin said. “Come on in. This must be your brother!” He took the bottle from John and ushered them in. The young man smiled at Justin.

“John! I didn’t know you were coming!” Brian said and went over to greet his friend.

John gave Brian a quick embrace. “You were right, it’s hard to say no to that one.” John teased as he looked over at Justin. Justin blushed.

“Brian, I want you to meet my brother, Rob.” John spoke and signed. Brian gave him a confused look.

“Hello Rob.” He said offering his hand. Rob took it and they shook. Brian’s eyes remained on John’s.

“Does he read lips?” Brian asked.

“Yes, he does, and he speaks too.” Rob said in a loud funny voice.

John laughed; Brian had the grace to look embarrassed.

“I see you’re a smart ass like your brother.” Brian teased.

“Thanks.” Rob said smiling.

Justin was surprised; he didn’t know John’s brother was deaf. This was an interesting turn of events.

“Ok everyone, dinners served!” Justin said.

John turned and saw Rena. His heart skipped. Fuck! He was sure he wouldn’t have the same reaction. Last time he blamed the booze, this time, there was nothing to blame. He took a deep breath. It was going to be a long dinner. Rob sensed his discomfort and put his hand on his arm.

John looked at him and signed: “It’s ok. That’s her. She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

Rob signed back: “Very. Stop punishing yourself.”

John smiled.

“Hello John.” Rena walked over to them.

“Hello Rena. Nice to see you again.” John said awkwardly.

“This is my brother Rob.” He made the introductions.

Rena signed to Rob: “It’s very nice to meet you.”

John groaned. Rena knew sign language. She knew what they just said. Rena gave him an impish smile.

“You’re a brat, you know that?” John said.

“Yeah, I’ve been told.” She teased.

That wasn’t so hard he thought. Actually, it was kind of easy.

“Come on you two, before it gets cold.” Justin called to them.

They all sat around the table. Dinner was delicious, the conversation flowed. Brian was being Brian. Witty, a bit sarcastic, but all in all well behaved. He was having a good time. Justin was very happy. Things couldn’t have gone better.

Justin was just about to get up and bring dessert out when Rena’s cell phone rang. The familiar tune to “Mustang Sally” echoed through the loft. Shane got up to answer it. Brian motioned to her to sit back down.

“Rena, answer your phone.” Brian said then went back to talking to Michael about the new Rage storyline.

Rena froze.

The phone kept playing the haunting tune. It wouldn’t stop.

Justin felt something was wrong.

“Please, Brian, let me get it.” Shane said nervously. Brian shot her a warning look. Shane backed down. Everyone at the table sensed something was wrong. The phone just kept ringing, the upbeat melody, now becoming eerily disturbing.

“Re, I said answer the phone.” Brian looked intently at his sister.

Rena was sitting to Brian’s left; Justin was at the other end.

“Bastard.” She said. Her eyes brimmed with tears.

Brian went stoic. “Rena, answer the fucking phone.” He said ruthlessly.

She shot Shane an accusing look. Shane slumped in her chair.

“Don’t.” Brian said. “She did nothing wrong. Rena, your phone is ringing.” Brian was relentless.

Everyone at the table was tense. Justin didn’t know what to do, but he knew it was important that Rena answer the phone. He got up and went to retrieve the phone. Brian didn’t take his eyes off Rena. Justin picked the ringing cell up and brought it to Rena. He placed it on the table in front of her.

Rena looked down at. Her breathing was erratic. Fear was evident in her eyes.

John saw her distress. He wanted to help her, but knew it was not his place. He silently sent her encouragement. What ever was going on, it was causing her a lot of emotional distress. John’s own emotions were palpable. He “felt” her anguish.

“We end it here.” Brian said to her and picked up her hand and held it.

“Look at me Re.” He commanded.

Rena looked up at him. Her eyes filled with pain. Brian’s heart clenched.

“We end this now.” He said forcefully.

“Answer the phone Rena. It’s the first step.” Brian kissed the back of Rena’s hand then released it.

Rena took a deep breath. Slowly, she lifted the phone from the table. She flipped the top open, ending the relentless melody, and brought the phone to her ear.

She closed her eyes. “Hello.” She croaked.

“Thank God!” Came Viv’s voice on the other end. “Tell Brian I said thank you.” She said then she hung up.

Rena closed the phone and put it back on the table.

She broke down and cried. Brian pulled her into his arms. He rocked her slowly as he spoke quietly to her.

“He can’t hurt us anymore Rena.” He said as he stroked her hair and her back soothingly.

“Shhhh… Don’t cry Re. It’s going to be fine. I promise.” Brian said, his voice rasp with emotion.

He looked up; his eyes met Justin’s. Justin was crying. He smiled at him reassuringly.

 

Yes he thought. They were all going to be just fine..


	31. Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

“No blame should attach to telling the truth. But it does, it does.”

 

\- Anita Brookner

 

“Jesus fucking Christ I’m coming already!” Shane mumbled as she clumsily stumbled out of bed to answer the door.

James was out at Babylon with Emmett and the boys. Shane looked over at her clock on the nightstand; it was 1:00am. Who the fuck could be at the door at this hour? Mindless of her near naked state, which consisted of a pair of men’s boxers and a wife beater shirt, she went to open the door.

Half way down the hall she bumped into Rena.

“You expecting visitors?” Rena asked cuttingly.

Shane flinched. It had been two weeks since Justin’s dinner party and Rena was still angry at Shane for telling Brian about Emilian’s phone call. It was the longest Rena had ever been upset with her. Shane was feeling the pressure.

She started working for Brian a week ago and was having a hard time adjusting. Not that Brian was a bad boss, in fact he was great a great boss. Demanding, quick tempered, temperamental and a complete perfectionist. Shane appreciated all those qualities and liked the challenge of making Brian happy. Which was a constant challenge! What she was having a hard time adjusting to was being a “girl” at the office. She now had her hair styled, and wore feminine pantsuit outfits to work. She drew the line at wearing a dress though! But it didn’t matter; she looked very much like a woman at work. And getting hit on everyday by straight men. THAT was the hardest thing for Shane to adjust to.  
The one person she could talk to about her situation was Rena, and Rena was still giving her the cold shoulders. Shane didn’t know what to do about it.

“Do you want me to move out?” Shane turned on Rena. Inside, she was scared shitless that Rena would say yes, but she had to know. She couldn’t go on like this. Every day that went by that Rena was cold to her hurt. She loved Rena. Rena was her center.

Rena sighed. “Of course not.” She said. “I’m still angry though.” She amended.

Shane threw her hands up. “How many times do I have to explain how it slipped out!? You should be angry with Brian; he TRICKED me. But NOOO. You could never be angry with your “Sainted” brother, could you?!” Shane spat out hurt and angry.

Rena’s eyes soften. Shane was right. She never could ever really get angry with Bean. He made the ultimate sacrifice for her and Andy. She knew he suffered every day for what he did and she prayed for his soul every night. He saved her and Andy’s soul from eternal damnation, and offered up his own. How does one ever repay that? How could she explain that to Shane? Shane wasn’t religious. She grew up on the streets where her religion was belief in finding the next trick to survive. Shane didn’t believe in God.

Rena knew in her heart that there was a God. It was her strong faith that helped her survive the brutal rape by her father. She knew her “true” father ruled in Heaven.

Their mother, Maria, instilled in her children her strong religious and spiritual beliefs, but she never imposed them on Brian. She felt that wasn’t her place. On Sundays, Brian’s mother Joan would take him and his sister Clair to her church, but all Brian learned there was what sin was. He never learned about God’s love. Brian wasn’t a stupid boy. At a very young age he knew he was “different” and he also knew his mothers God disapproved of him being different. Consequently, Brian grew up with little faith.

This was not the case with Rena and Andy. Their mother taught them God was a loving God and an accepting God. She taught them tolerance. The one thing she felt strongly about though was the sanctity of life. She believed that all life was to be honored, and that suicide and murder were sins of the soul. Andy’s belief was stronger than Rena’s. Maybe it was because of his severe abuse and his tragic end. Whatever the reason, he believed with out a doubt that if he committed suicide, he was going to hell, yet he was willing to risk it to end his pain. If Brian hadn’t ended Andy’s suffering, she would have, but Brian wouldn’t let either of them risk that. Instead, he risked his own soul and did the unthinkable. No, how could she tell Shane? Or anyone? She owed Brian her life, her soul.

“Shane, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you could have hurt Bean by telling him about Emilian. You don’t know what he did for Andy and me; you only know how he saved me after Andy died. What happened in that house…”

Rena let the sentence trail off and looked away. The person at the door wasn’t giving up; they resorted to ringing the bell and banging on the door

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “We’ll talk about this later. Who ever is at the door is being awfully persistent.” Rena headed towards the door, Shane followed her.

She hit the intercom. James had installed a state of the art security system in the house. Whoever was outside could bang away all night and couldn’t gain entrance unless the person inside let them in.

“This had better be good, it’s the middle of the night.” She spoke into speaker.

“Ree…na, let..tt meee i..nn.” John’s voice crackled oddly.

Fuck. Rena let go of the button. She looked at Shane. Shane shrugged her shoulders.

“He sounds drunk. He’s been trying to talk to you for two weeks. He’s sent flowers, cards, called and came over several times. Each time you’ve avoided him. I’ll send him away if you want, but you know he’s not going to give up.” Shane said.

Rena sighed. Shane was right. She was just too embarrassed after breaking down at the loft like that. She was exposed in a way she didn’t want John to see. It was bad enough Mikey had to see it, but John was different. She liked him in a way she didn’t understand. Part of her just wanted him to go away, and another part of her was terrified that he would.

She turned and walked to the door. Putting her hand on the knob, she steadied her emotions before she opened the door.

 

John stood dripping, soaking wet in the doorway. It was raining outside and he had no umbrella. His hair was plastered to his head, his coat was drenched and his teeth were chattering Rena took in his appearance and pulled him inside.

“Are you fucking crazy!” She said as she started removing his coat.

“Shane, go get some towels and a robe.” She barked.

John was shivering uncontrollably. Stupid man would probably get phenomena. It was November for God sake! Cold November rain was not a good thing.

“I..wooouuu…ldn’t…bee…he..re…ifff… youuu…ret..tuurnneddd…an..yy..of…mmmyyy…mes…ss..ages…” John chattered.

Rena felt a tinge of guilt. A feeling that was very foreign to her.

Shane came back with an arm full of towels and a thick white terry cloth robe.

“Come on, strip.” Rena said.

John smiled seductively, which looked kind of funny since his teeth were still chattering as he did so.

He started to take his cloths off. Shane took that as her cue to leave.

Rena helped John remove his shirt. She handed him a towel and took one herself. John took his towel and vigorously rubbed his head to dry his hair while Rena dried his body off.

John stilled his motion to look down at Rena as she took care in drying off his chests and stomach. He watched as she went around him to dry his shoulders and back. Her touch was like fire on his skin. Suddenly, he felt very hot. The chill whisked from his body to be replaced by a sensual heat.

Rena came back around to his front and threw the towel aside to grab another dry one. She put her hands on his pants and started to unbutton them. She got his zipper halfway down when she noticed he wasn’t moving, hadn’t been moving for a few moments. She stilled her hands and looked up at him.

The look in his eyes stole her breath. He wanted her, and bad. Rena was almost afraid. Not of him, but of her own reaction to the passion in his eyes. She didn’t move, her hands were still on his zipper.

John reached down and placed his hands over hers and pressed them gently against his cock. She felt his hardness. He moaned.

He took her hands in his and pulled her up to him slowly. She stood and faced him, their eyes locked, their mouths inches from each other’s.

“Rena…..” John croaked out.

“I’m tired of punishing myself.” He said, as if she would understand that.

Rena looked at him confused. John lowered his head and let his cold lips brush against hers briefly before raising his head again.

“Aren’t you tired of punishing yourself?” He asked.

Rena blinked. What was he talking about? He didn’t know her. Why would he think she’s punishing herself? She pushed away from him.

“I think the cold has frozen your brain. You are talking nonsense. You know nothing about me.” She said and threw the robe at him, then turned her back to him.

John pulled his pants off and slipped into the robe, tying the belt around his waist. He reached for her and grabbed her wrist, turning her around to face him.

“I know that you and Brian share something so terrible neither will talk about it. I know you are a beautiful woman who keeps herself closed off emotionally. I know you’ve never allowed yourself to be loved by a man.” He said.

Rena looked at him incredulously. “How could you possibly know that?” She asked.

John smiled. “I didn’t know, until just now.” He said

“ooooooOOH!” Rena exclaimed and pushed against him. He didn’t let her go, his hand remained firmly wrapped around her wrist.

“I know because I closed myself off after Charlotte died. I blamed myself for not being able to save her. For the past five years I’ve been drinking and fucking myself through life. My brother has been trying for the longest time to get me to stop punishing myself, but I couldn’t. Not until I saw you.” John pulled her closer.

“How long have you been punishing yourself?” He asked.

Rena stared at him. He asked questions she wouldn’t dare even ask herself.

“John, don’t. I can’t…” She said quietly.

John looked deep into her eyes. Past the confusion, past the denial, past the acceptance and right to where the pain lay. She was so filled with pain. It was all there in her eyes. How could the people around her not see it? His heart recognized it. He felt it in the core of him. It was the pain of someone who suffered a loss so great they never recovered from it. She suffered many loses from the look in her eyes. More than any person should ever have in their life.

“Rena, you don’t have to tell me anything. Keep your demons at bay, keep your secrets. I understand. I just have one request of you. Just one. Grant me this one request and I promise you’ll never regret it.” He said.

Rena’s pulse quickened. The way he was looking at her touched her deep in her soul. She knew he saw things she never wanted anyone to see. She tried to look away, but she couldn’t. All she could do was stare back, and “feel” him. She never experienced a feeling like this before in her life. It was intoxicating. She never wanted it to end. It was strange and wonderful and God she wanted it to last forever. It felt comforting and unnerving at the same time. His hand on her wrist was like fire on her skin. The combination of the physical attraction and the emotional connection he pulled from her was lethal. She was afraid of what he would ask of her because at this moment, she would give him anything.

“What?” She asked breathlessly.

“Help me love you.” He said.

 

*******************************************************************

 

Justin leaned over the catwalk and watched the hot men dancing below. He frowned.

“What did I tell you about frowning? You’re going to cause premature wrinkles.” Brian said as he came up behind him. He had two bottles of beer in his hands. Justin took one from him.

“I’m too young to worry about wrinkles.” He said as he took a sip of the beer and turned his attention away from Brian.

They came to Babylon tonight with James, Emmett, Ted, Mikey and Ben. It was a much-needed night out. Brian had been extremely moody the past two weeks. After the incident at dinner, he was increasing becoming impossible to live with.

 

Brian took Rena to the doctors last week and they were still waiting for her results. Justin thought that maybe that was the reason he was in such a foul mood, but then last night he went to see Lindsay and dropped a bomb on her. Lindsey called Justin crying, saying that Brian had said he was going to take Gus away from her. Justin knew she was exaggerating, but when Brian came home and he tried to talk to him about what happened, Brian snapped at him and told him to mind his fucking business. Justin let it go. He suggested they go to Babylon tonight; maybe Brian needed to release some frustration.

Justin was glad he suggested it. Brian was feeling and acting more relaxed. Justin knew something was brewing inside of him, sooner or later Brian would tell him. For now though, Justin chose to just ignore him. One of Brian’s most endearing, and most irritating qualities was his occasional child like manner. Currently, he was acting like an ill-mannered child, and the best way to deal with bad behavior was to ignore it.

Brian didn’t like being ignored.

Brian sighed besides him. “Ok Sunshine, I know I’m freaking you out.”

Justin slanted him a curious look. “Are you ready to tell me what’s going on?” He said.

Brian looked out over the club. The lights were brilliant, the men were stunning, the music, intoxicating. God he loved it here. That would never change. Thank God. But some things were going to change. Some things, had to change.

“I’m making some changes.” He said.

Justin stiffened. The tone in Brian’s voice was ominous.

“I’m not going to like this, am I?” Justin said.

Brian looked over at him. “Hey, you’re supposed to be the optimist remember? I’m the cynic.” He said teasingly.

Justin turned his head to look at the dance floor again. He wasn’t feeling very optimistic at the moment.

“Lets go home.” Brian said.

Justin downed his beer and followed Brian out of the club. They said their good nights to the gang and got in the Vet. It was cold and rainy. Justin felt like crying, but he didn’t know why.

20 minutes later they were back at the loft. Brian went to the refrigerator and took a bottle of water out. He walked to the living room window and looked out. Justin went to turn the lights on.

“Don’t.” Brian said.

Justin stood in the dark and watched Brian. He looked at his profile as he stared out the window. The light from the street washed over his chiseled features. Justin sucked his breath in. Brian was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. Each time Justin looked at Brian it took his breath away. He had the kind of beauty that would never fade. It was timeless. Justin took in the sight of him. Never wanting to forget what his face looked like right now, in this moment, his face illuminated by the streetlight, strong, flawless, ageless…

“I told Lindsey I’m going to fight to get my parental rights to Gus back.” He said suddenly jolting Justin.

Justin went over to him and sat on the ledge of the window, facing him. He looked up at him. “She’s going to fight you.” He said.

Brian continued to stare out the window. “It doesn’t matter. It’s what I want.” Brian said.

Justin flinched at the coldness in Brian’s voice.

 

“Don’t do something you’ll regret later Brian.” Justin said.

It wasn’t like Brian to be so callous, especially when it came to Lindsey. Brian loved Lindsey. She was his son’s mother. Justin knew Brian regretted giving up his rights to Gus. Brian loved Gus more than anyone in the world; no one knew how much it hurt him to give him up. It wasn’t the fact that he wanted his rights back that surprised Justin, it was the manner in which he was approaching it.

“I don’t do regrets Sunshine, remember?” Brian said bitingly.

Justin sighed. “If only that were true.” He said.

Brian glared at him in the dark. “You might be right, at this moment I’m regretting a lot of things.” He said, his meaning not lost on Justin.

Brian was baiting him. Brian did this when extremely upset. He pushed Justin. It was one of those nasty habits Brian had a hard time letting go of. He used apathy like a weapon and wielded it unmercifully when in pain. Justin knew Brian too well to let him get away with his shit.

“Well let’s see. You regret not being there for Rena, you regret taking me to the prom. And now you regret not being a better father to Gus. Getting your parental rights back will not change any of that. …” Justin stopped, seeing the look on Brian’s face. He pushed a bit too far. He braced himself.

Brian brought his face down so that he was staring Justin in the eyes. His face was red with anger.

“Our RELATIONSHIP…” Brian drawled out the word relationship bitterly. “ Does NOT give you the right to JUDGE me. YOU ARE NOT my mother, my father, my shrink, my barber or my massage therapist! They judge me enough. YOU ARE JUST THE TRICK I SLEEP WITH.” Brian spat at him.

Justin didn’t flinch. His anger was starting to show it’s own ugly head.

“I HAVE NEVER JUDGED YOU!” He screamed at Brian.

“Our RELATIONSHIP...” Justin mimicked Brian, using the same bitter tone, “Does not give you the right to MISJUDGE me or my words.” He said through gritted teeth.

 

“You KNOW, I have never, and would never judge you. Judging you would be the same as judging myself. I will however, point out when you’re bullshitting yourself, or not being true to us. Now why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?” Justin fumed.

Brian pulled back and sneered at him.

“I would think you would be more supportive of me having more rights to my son.” Brian accused scornfully.

“Or maybe you’re jealous of my time with Gus.” Brian purposely threw that in purely for spite. He knew it was a mistake when he saw Justin’s face.

Justin’s jaw dropped open.

He stood up from the window ledge and walked up to Brian. Eyes blazing, he screamed.

“That’s it! I won’t listen to anymore of your shit. GET OUT!” He pointed to the door as he stared at Brian.

Brian looked shocked. He was shocked! Justin was throwing him out of his own loft! No, wait; it was their loft now. Justin’s name was on the lease. FUCK! Brian fumed. Justin was testing him. Fucking little twat was testing him!

“FINE!” Brian turned and went to the bedroom. He grabbed his gym bag and started throwing cloths in it. Cursing fervently the whole time.

“Ungrateful little fucking twat! I knew I should have left him standing under that fucking lamppost! Manipulative, arrogant, smug, UNFAITHFUL…” Brian threw that in for effect. He was muttering mostly to himself. Justin stood outside the bedroom, arms crossed, waiting for him to leave. He wasn’t about to stand down.

Brian finished packing and headed out the bedroom. He grabbed his coat and turned to Justin.

“Just remember, I NEVER THREW YOU OUT! God knows I should have!” He vented.

Justin glared at him. “I NEVER GAVE YOU REASON!” He retorted.

Brian smiled smugly at him. “No? How about lying and cheating? Or doesn’t that count? You should have brought Ethan back here and fucked him in our bed. At least that would have been more honest.” Brian aimed to hurt. He wanted to teach Justin a lesson.

Justin was quick to point out his flaws, but when it came to his own, he conveniently brushed them aside, excusing his faults as results of Brian’s behavior. It was time Justin realized, just as Brian was starting to realize, they each were responsible for their own shortcomings.

He was making changes in his life, starting with being a real father to Gus. Change did NOT come easy for Brian. He knew he shouldn’t’ have baited Justin tonight. He was feeling the sting of that now. No regrets huh? How fucking laughable. Justin was right. His life was full of regrets.

Justin stared at him, tears forming in his eyes.

“Well then I guess we’re both liars. You lied to me. You told me you forgave me. I see you haven’t and never will.” Justin turned and went into the bedroom. He threw himself on the bed and started to cry.

Brian’s heart clenched. He wanted to go to him. Instead, he turned and left the loft.

Brian got into the Vet and sped away. His heart was pounding. He fucked that up good. Fuck! How the fuck did that conversation go so wrong? He knew how, he vented his anger onto Justin. This time though, Justin threw it back in his face. His boy was growing up.

He made the decision to be a real father to Gus. Seeing how Rena had let Emilian control her from the grave was a wake up call for Brian. He was doing the same thing. Letting Jack control him. He kept his distance from his own son because he feared being like Jack. He was NOT like Jack. He never would be. Gus deserved to grow up knowing his father loved him. As it was, Gus only saw Brian on the occasional weekend. How would his son feel when he got older knowing his father gave up his rights to him? Much like Brian felt knowing his own father never wanted him. In the end, it wasn’t about the beatings Jack gave him, it was the rejection. And he had rejected his son. That he regretted. He was trying to tell Justin that, but he was too bitter at the whole situation and as usual, ended up taking it out on Justin.

FUCK FUCK FUCK! He turned the Vet towards Rena’s. Great. All of fucking Liberty Avenue will know that Brian Fucking Kinney’s twink threw him out of his own loft! Just fucking great!

Brian fumed as he pulled into Rena’s driveway. The fucking twat was going to pay for this!

***********************************************************************

 

Shane looked at her clock. Fucking 3 am! What the fuck was it tonight? Were all the crazy’s out? She rose from her bed, for the second time tonight, and went to answer the persistent banging on the front door.

She walked through the living room, noting the discarded clothing on the floor, and headed towards the front door. She pressed the intercom.

“Who the fuck is it now!” She screeched, wondering where the fuck Rena was, and what happened to John.

“Shane open the fucking door!” Brian growled.

Shane quickly opened the door. Brian brushed past her and entered the house. He was carrying a gym bag. Shane shook her head. She must be dreaming.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” She asked

Brian shot her a look that made Shane fear for her life. Literally!

“That fucking twat threw me out.” He said.

Shane blinked several times. Then it hit her. She threw back her head and laughed.


	32. Phase One

“Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away.”

~ Evita

 

“The gender bending miscreant finds this amusing. I must be in hell.” Brian said to himself.

He threw his gym bag on the living room couch and headed for the bar.   
He pulled out the Jim Beam and poured himself a tall glass full of the brown liquid.

“I’m sorry Boss, but I can’t believe you let him throw you out! Man you must got it real bad for him.” Shane astutely observed.

Brian glared at her from over the rim of his glass.

Shane tried to wipe the mirth from her face but found it impossible. The whole situation was ludicrous! She’d been around him long enough to know Brian Kinney NEVER did anything unless he wanted to. He LET Justin throw him out. Oh he was furious, but it was HIS decision. She marveled at how much he was willing to give for Justin.

“So what happened?” She asked.

“I told him I had to fire you because I let you blow me under my desk. He took exception.” Brian shrugged and took another drink, smiling to himself behind the glass.

Shane let out a strangled sound. “You wouldn’t fucking dare! Why would you do that to me! Justin is the only fucking friend I have, even Rena doesn’t talk to me anymore. He didn’t believe you, did he?!” Shane ranted.

She paced back and forth in front of the couch in her men’s underwear and wife beater Tee shirt. Brian took pleasure in turning the tables on her. Now he was the one amused.

“Of course he believed me. Why wouldn’t he? Remember he’s been out with you tricking. He knows how you operate.” Brian said with a smug look that was meant to remind her of their time in New York when Shane took Justin out and cornered him into getting a blowjob from some trick. He hadn’t forgotten about that. A little pay back was needed. Besides, Brian was feeling a bit rancorous at the moment.

Shane shot him a hurtful look. “You really are a Bastard, aren’t you?” She said.

Shane felt like she was punched in the stomach. This was Brian’s way of getting back at her for hooking Justin up with that trick in New York. He lied to Justin about her, and now Justin would hate her. Justin would NEVER forgive her, and he would never believe her over Brian. Brian knew how much she liked Justin. She had no friends other than Rena until Justin came along. She valued their friendship, very much. Now it was gone. All because of one fuck up in New York. Fucking Brian.

Brian took pity on her. “Stop freaking out. I didn’t tell him anything. Jesus Shane you are so fucking gullible.” Brian laughed sadistically.

Shane sputtered. She was so angry, and so relieved at the same time.

“You are a ruthless, heartless no good, cock sucking………..”

“SHANE!” Rena’s reproachful voice filled the living room.

Brian looked up and saw Rena descending the long majestic staircase. And John was right behind her. Brian lowered his glass, stunned at this new development.

Rena entered the room wearing a peach colored silk robe looking very regale. John strolled in wearing a bulky white terry cloth bathrobe, looking quite ridiculous.

“You will NOT speak to Bean that way in THIS house!” Rena scolded Shane.

Shane fumed. “I’m sorry Rena, you know I love you, but HE…” She stretched her right arm out and pointed at Brian behind her while she held Rena’s gaze.  
“Is an asshole!” She exclaimed forcefully. Rena could see how upset Shane was.

Rena sighed. She looked over at her brother. “What the fuck happened Bean?” She asked.

Brian lowered his glass, his eyes glued on John. “YOU’RE FUCKING MY SISTER?!!!” His voice boomed through out the room.

John stiffened.

“Brian, this is not what it looks like.” He started.

“So you’re NOT fucking my sister?” Brian countered narrowing his eyes.

“Ok, so maybe it is what it looks like, but there’s an explanation.” John tried to sooth Brian’s wrath. He never had to deal with a “big” protective brother before and he didn’t’ relish his first encounter being with Brian Kinney. He knew too well how lethal Brian could be when crossed.

“Brian!” Rena snapped not liking the course the conversation was taking.

Brian looked at her. When she used his given name, she meant business.

“Ok Rena, let me get this straight. YOU’RE FUCKING MY FRIEND?” He yelled.

“Well be happy it isn’t Michael!” She quipped sardonically. “Which by the way I should do, since you never gave him the satisfaction.” She scoffed.

“Bitch.” Brian spat.

“Shane, where were you when I interrupted? I believe it was at cock sucking… Please, continue.” Rena smiled too sweetly.

“Ok, enough!” John interrupted.

“Brian, I’m not fucking your sister! It’s more, much more complicated than that.” John said.

Brian was once again stunned. Jesus Christ! Tonight was full of unexpected turn of events he thought. John and Rena? He knew there was an attraction there, but John just indicated he was serious about her. John hasn’t been serious about anyone since Charlotte’s death.

Brian poured himself another glass of Beam.

Shane huffed. “I’m going back to bed!” She turned to look at Brian.

“We squared?” She asked, warily.

Shane understood Brian. She knew he would never let any wrong go unpunished. This little exchange of theirs was payback for New York. She put his precious boy in an awkward position. He just reminded her never to fuck with “his” again. She wondered what it was like to be loved like that. She would never know, she acknowledged to herself.

Brian smiled at her. “Yeah, we’re squared.” He said.

Shane “got” him. It was one of the reasons why Brian liked her and why she was the perfect personal assistant.

Shane nodded her head and left the room. John went over to Brian.

“You going to offer me a drink?” He asked.

Brian glared at him, but pulled another glass down from over the bar and poured John a drink.

“Tread very carefully my friend.” Brian warned as he stared John down.

John held his gaze. “There’s no way I could hurt her. I’d die first.” He stated definitely. Brian nodded and handed him the glass of whiskey. They both drank deep.

Rena walked over to the bar and hopped up on one of the stools. The bar was just off of the living room area. The floor to ceiling windows framed the back wall of the bar area. The rain had stopped and the clouds were parting, letting the stars shine through.

“So, now that we’re all friends again, tell me why are you here?” She asked.

Brian made a rude sound. “Justin threw me out.” He said.

John spitted the whiskey out of his mouth and started choking. Rena went to him and rubbed his back. “Jesus Bean, don’t fuck around.” She said. John regained his composure.

“I’m not fucking around. He fucking threw me out!” Brian repeated more forcefully.

Rena gave him an incredulous look. “How can that be? He would never do that!” She narrowed her eyes.

“What the FUCK did you do!” She put he hands on her hips in a threatening manner.

Brian sighed. “Well, first I told him that I decided to fight to get my parental rights to Gus back.” Brian said.

Rena frowned. She had been visiting Lindsey and Gus a lot since she met them. She loved her little nephew. She doted on him and was extravagant in her affection. She would visit them at least twice a week, always bringing gifts. Mel did not like it, so Rena resorted to visiting when she knew Mel wouldn’t be around. Lindsey liked Rena, and all the attention she was giving Gus. Lindsey saw Rena as another connection to Brian. Rena felt sorry for her. She was still in love with Brian. She knew it was hopeless, but one couldn’t help whom one loved. It was truly a sad situation. She was thrilled that Brian wanted his rights to Gus back, she was shocked when she heard he signed them over to begin with, but she worried about how a bitter legal battle would affect Gus.

“Bean, did you tell Lindsey?” She asked and went to sit back on the stool.

“Yeah. She freaked. She’s going to put up a fight. She has to, Mel wont’ stand for it.” Brian said

Rena cursed. “Fuck Bean, you know this is going to get ugly. And you know it’s always the children who get hurt!” She threw at him.

“Do you fucking think I didn’t think of that!” He yelled at Rena.

“What the fuck is with you and Justin! Did you think I just selfishly woke up one morning and said, “Gee, I think I’d like my son back now!” Brian said, hurt evident in his voice.

“NO, of course not!” Rena soothed. She knew Brian must have thought about this long and hard. He wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t feel that in the end, it was what was best for Gus.

“Re, I can’t let my son grow up thinking his father didn’t love him. No son should grow up thinking that.” He said quietly.

Rena’s chest tightened with emotion. “Well then, it’s settled. I’ll call Viv. She’s made literally dozens of lawyers very rich with all her divorces. They owe her; we’ll get the best. It will be fine. Lindsey and Mel love Gus. They won’t let this affect him.” Rena tried to reassure her brother.

“So is that why Justin threw you out? He doesn’t approve?” Rena asked confused. That didn’t sound like Justin. Justin loved Gus like his own. How could he not? He loved Brian completely, and Gus was part of Brian.

“No, that’s where it started. He told me not to do anything I’d regret.” He looked pointedly at Rena.

“Ahhh..” Rena said understanding. She and Brian both had a thing about regrets. They refused to acknowledge them. Not that they didn’t have any, they just didn’t acknowledge them.

“I said some hurtful things to him.” Brian confessed, looking at the bottom of his now empty whiskey glass.

“Bean… What did you say?” Rena narrowed her eyes.

“I accused him of being jealous of my time with Gus.” Brian admitted, flinching at his own memory of saying that. It was cruel.

“What the fuck! Are you insane!” Rena said frustrated. “Were you TRYING to get thrown out!?” She asked.

“Yeah, well it got worse from there.” He inhaled deeply.

“As I was leaving, I threw Ethan up in his face.” Brian smirked bitterly and picked the bottle up from the bar and drank straight from it.

“Jesus Brian, you broke the number one rule in any relationship! NEVER bring up a past affair! That’s relationship suicide! You sweep that shit under the rug and leave it there! Everyone knows that. “ John informed him.

“See, this is WHY I don’t do relationships! I’ve no fucking clue what I’m supposed to say, what I’m not supposed to say! I HATE THIS. I just want to go back to just fucking him, can’t I just do that?” Brian said forlornly. Rena laughed, he looked so despondent.

 

John laughed and slapped him on the back. “Sorry Bri, but it doesn’t work like that. Besides, you wouldn’t want to. “ He said.

Brian scowled.

 

“I better get dressed.” Rena said and hopped off the stool.

Brian made a face. “Where the fuck are you going?” He asked.

“To the loft of course, where else?” She said looking wide eyed and innocent.

“Why the fuck are you going there?” Brian asked.

“Bean, my God, you must know how he’s feeling right now!” She said.

“He threw you out of YOUR loft! I know his name is on the lease, but we both know Justin has always, and will always think of the loft as yours.” Rena paused and tilted her head.

“Oh, I see. That’s why you let him throw you out!” She smiled.

“You’re making a point.” She stated.

Brian’s face got pensive. “He needs to know he has the right.” He stated flatly and looked away.

“Well, I better get over there quick.” She said

“Why? He’s fine. Let him think about what he did.” Brian turned his eyes back to Rena.

“He threw you out Bean.” Rena repeated seriously.

Brian sighed, exasperated. “Do you have to keep repeating it? With my luck it will be all over Liberty Avenue by dawn. Which, it almost is by the way.” Brian said.

“You of all people should know how much courage that took.” Rena said.

Brian smiled widely. Yes it took a lot of courage, and Brian was very proud of Justin for taking a stand as he did. Justin often acted impulsively which got him in trouble on more than one occasion, but his impetuous behavior came from his guts, and he had guts of steel. When he reacted rashly, it was never cowardly. Justin always acted nobly. He was, as Andy foresaw, a Knight, a very brave and noble Knight……

“He’ll be fine Rena, really. I respect what he did, but he also knows he’s going to pay for it. His taking a stand like that wouldn’t mean anything if he wasn’t willing to face the consequences. He has to face them. And he will, and he’ll get through it, and he’ll know that it’s ok to stand up to me, that I won’t abandon him.” Brian said meaningfully.

Rena screwed her face up. “I hate it when you’re so fucking smart, you know that?” She said.

“Still, I’m going. He needs a friend. He needs his loving, understanding, sister-in-law.” Rena smiled impishly.

“Fine.” Brian relented. “Just don’t let on, ok? He’ll be devastated if he thinks I let him throw me out.” Brian said.

“I won’t, but Justin is smart, and he knows you. After he gets past his hurt, he’s going to figure it out.” Rena said.

“Yeah, probably, but by then, we’ll both be past this.” Brian stated.

Rena nodded. She walked over to John and kissed him tenderly.

“Will you be here when I get back?” She asked quietly.

John kissed her back, deeply. “As you wish.” He said.

Brian turned his head and snorted. Some changes were just too nauseating.

 

***********************************************************************

 

Rena closed the loft door behind her and took her shoes off. She was wearing an old tee shirt and a pair of sweats. She quietly padded across the wooden floors of the loft. She didn’t want to wake Justin if he was sleeping.

As she neared the bedroom, she could see his prone figure lying on the bed, his back to her. When she got to the doorway, she could hear his quiet sobs. Fuck, it was almost 5 am and he was still up and crying.

Rena pulled the covers back and crawled into bed with him.

Justin jerked and turned around. His eyes wide. Rena flinched at the sight of him. He was very pale, his eyes red and puffy. By the look on his face she could tell he was expecting Brian. When he saw it was Rena, his face dropped, and fresh tears started falling.

She pulled him to her. “Shh…” She soothed him. “It’s ok, really, it’s ok Justin.” She held him tight to her and gently rocked him.

Justin hiccupped, trying to compose himself. “No Rena, you don’t understand. It’s NOT OK!” He croaked out.

“Justin, calm down. Brian is at my house. He told me you threw him out and why. Good for you! He’ll get over it, believe me.” Rena said

Justin wiped his face with the back of his hand and sat up in bed. He looked at Rena pointedly.

“I’m not talking about me throwing him out. I know he’ll get over that. What he won’t get over is fucking Ethan!” Justin explained.

Rena sat up with him. “Ethan?” She asked. She couldn’t believe he wasn’t upset about throwing Brian out, but was upset over Brian’s remark about Ethan. She shook her head. Their relationship was a puzzle.

“Yes Ethan!” Justin sobbed out. “He can’t forgive me for that, and he never will.” Justin sounded so hurt.

“Honey, Brian threw Ethan up in your face just to hurt you. You know how he gets. When he’s hurt, he strikes back, and no one knows how to hit his mark better than Brian. He knew that remark would upset you, and obviously he was right. Don’t let him win that way.” Rena advised.

Justin shook his head. “No Rena, you’re wrong. Yes, I know he says mean spiteful things to me when he’s upset that he doesn’t mean, but I saw the look in his eyes when he made that remark about Ethan. He’s still hurting over that, and I have no idea how I can fix it! I fucked up so badly Rena. I just don’t know how to fix it!” Justin started crying again.

Rena felt his pain. His heart was breaking and he was breaking her heart in the process. Fuck she hated this emotional shit. She was on overload tonight. First her encounter with John, which, she hadn’t even attempted to think about yet, to dealing with Justin’s emotional crisis. She loved Justin like a brother. In the very short time they’ve been friends, she’s grown very attached to him. There was an odd, yet comforting connection between them. He trusted her, and right now, he needed her support.

“Justin, even if you are right, it’s understandable. You’ve only been back together with Brian for a few months. The affair wasn’t that long ago. It’s perfectly normal for him to still feel some remnants of pain over it. Trust me, he will get past it. He loves you. And Brian doesn’t love lightly, you know this. Stop torturing yourself over this.” Rena advised.

Justin sighed deeply and laid his head against the bed headboard. “He’s right. I’m always looking at his faults, and excusing my own. He never lied to me. He never cheated on me. When we got together for the first time, I mean “really” together, we made these rules.” Justin looked over at Rena.

“He never broke them. I did.” Justin said dismally.

Rena smiled. “Trust me, you did him a favor.” She stated.

Justin looked at her confused. “How is my lying, and cheating and breaking our own rules doing him a favor?” He asked incredulously.

Rena laughed. “Because by you fucking up once in a while makes you human! Brian has a hard time accepting that you actually chose him, that you love him. In his eyes you have more moral character, courage, and class then he’ll ever have. He thinks you’re too good for him. By fucking up once in a while, you show him that you are human with flaws. He doesn’t hate himself so much when you mess up. Maybe you should mess up more often.” She said and nudged his shoulder while winking at him.

Justin laughed. It was a good sound.

“You’re logic is amazing Rena. I see now why you’re so revered in your field. Your psychiatric skills are remarkable!” Justin said a bit mockingly.

Rena laughed. “Yeah, well whatever gets them to put the razor blade down.” She quipped.

“You are so fucking bad!” Justin shoved her shoulder with his own playfully.

They sat in bed silently for a moment. Each was exhausted. It had been a long emotional night for the both of them.

“So what are you going to do?” She asked him.

“I don’t know. First, I guess I’ll have to ask him to come back.” He said.

“More like beg.” Rena laughed. “You know he’s not going to accept anything less.

Justin sighed. “I know. I was the one who threw him out.” He acknowledged.

“Yip.”

“That’s the easy part though. The hard part is going to deal with his resentment towards me. I don’t know if I can do that Re. I love him so much, I can’t stand to know how much pain I’ve caused him. How much pain I’ve always caused him. Starting with the shit he had to deal with my parents, to feeling responsible for me getting bashed, to me cheating on him. It seems I’m always causing him pain.” Justin said.

Rena could hear the defeat in his voice. Justin was extremely troubled over Brian’s words. Brian had no idea how his callous words affected Justin. He didn’t comprehend the anguish Justin felt over his bashing. How he blamed himself. Brian needed to know how Justin felt. She tried to tell Justin he needed to talk to Brian about the bashing. It was still the core of everything she believed.

“Justin, I told you before, you have to talk to Brian about the bashing. It’s tearing you apart. This incident with Ethan isn’t the real issue; it’s just a symptom of the real issue. Until you trust yourself, and Brian enough to deal with what happened, and how you each feel about it, any other issue that comes up will be exaggerated. Even your affair was rooted in your inability to talk about your feeling with Brian. I am surprised at you really. You are one of the bravest people I know; yet it scares you to death to bring up the bashing. Why?” Rena asked.

Justin sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I can’t talk to him about something I don’t really remember. We can’t share our feelings if we don’t share the memory of what happened.” He said and looked at Rena.

“I want you to hypnotize me.” He asked.

Rena stared at him. He was serious. “Ok, We’ll do it tomorrow if you want.” She said. If there was a possibility that Justin could get his memory of that night back it would be a big step towards healing for the both of them.

Justin hugged her.

“Ok, lets get some sleep. It’s been a pain in the ass night! And I have to get back home by at least noon today. John is waiting for me.” Rena said.

Justin tilted his head and looked at her confused. “May I ask why is John waiting at your house?” He asked.

Rena smiled a seductive smile. “Well, it seems we’re entering into something, well, something more than just fucking. Lets just say he needs my help.” She said.

Justin had no clue what she was talking about, but he knew there was a deep attraction between the two of them. He wasn’t surprised they were involved.

 

Rena lay back down and pulled Justin down with her. “Remember Scarlet O’Hara in gone with the wind?” She asked

Justin laughed and snuggled against her. “One of my favorite movies.” He said.

“Well then, lets take our cue from her.” She said.

“"We shan't think about that today. We'll think about that tomorrow. After all....tomorrow will be another day.".. Rena said in her best Vivian Lee impression. Justin laughed.

They both feel asleep holding each other.

 

*********************************************************************

 

Several hours later Brian dialed Rena’s cell phone.

“Yeah…” The groggy voice on the other end answered. Brian was glad she was finally comfortable answering her own phone.

“How is he?” Brian asked.

Rena lifted herself from the bed, her body protesting. She looked over at Justin, he was asleep. She slipped out of the room and headed towards the kitchen.

“You got trouble Bean.” She whispered into the phone.

Brian sighed. “He’s still pissed I gather. Is he freaking out about throwing me out?” He asked.

“Fuck that. He isn’t even thinking about what he did. He knows you’ll get over it. You’ve got bigger problems.” Rena said trying to be as quiet as possible.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” His voice laden with concern.

“It’s complicated. But to sum it up, your parting remark about Ethan, did him in. He’s in serious guilt mode about everything now. About the shit that went down when you first met him with his parents, about the bashing, which by the way, you do know he blames himself for, about lying and cheating on you, and something about him breaking some rules you two had…….” Rena paused when she heard Brian suck his breath in.

“Did he tell you all that?” He asked.

“Yes, he did. And I’m breaking confidence by telling you. Fuck Brian, you’ve got to fix this! The kid is a mess! Plus, now he thinks you’re never going to get over his affair with Ethan. Nice job Bro. If your goal was to make him secure in his place in your life, you failed miserably.” Rena knew her words were harsh, but she had to get through to Brian. Justin had been carrying around a lot of guilt for too long.

Brian was silent on the other end.

“Bean, what are you going to do?” She asked.

 

“I’ll take care of it. Do me a favor Re, stay with him today. I need to do something. I’ll explain to John for you. Just don’t leave him, promise me.” Brian’s voice was insistent.

“I won’t, I promise. I’m sure he’ll feel better once he gets up. Bean, you know he’s very strong. I didn’t mean for it to sound so dire, I just wanted to make sure you understood the seriousness of the situation. He’s been dealing with a lot of shit alone for a long time. I can help him some, but you’re the only one who can really help him. He needs you.” Rena said.

“I know. He’s much stronger than I am.” Brian’s voice was quiet. He was the one who couldn’t’ talk about the bashing, or any of their other problems. His motto was just to forget about it and move on. He should have known Justin wasn’t the type to forget and move on. It left to many unanswered questions for him, and when Justin had unanswered questions, he usually assumed the worse.

There were so many things they needed to deal with. Too much had been put off for too long. Well, it all couldn’t’ be dealt with at once he realized. Their problems had to be dealt with in phases.

He knew where he needed to start. With Ethan. He had to put that one to rest. Justin was right in assuming it was still an issue for him. This one he couldn’t just forget about. And it wasn’t because he was hurt or jealous over Justin leaving him for Ethan; it was because of his role in the incident. They were both to blame for that situation, and both were now going to come to terms with it.

“I’ll call you later. I need to make some arrangements. It may take awhile.” Brian said.

“No problem, I’ll stay with him as long as you need me to.” She said. It was Saturday; he had the whole weekend to deal with this. She hoped it would be enough time for him. But knowing Brian, he’d move mountains overnight to help Justin.

“And Re, thanks.” He said.

“For what?” She asked

“For loving him.” Brian said.

“How could I not? He’s part of you.” She said.

Brian smiled into the phone. “Later.” He said and hung up.

Fuck. Brian looked down at the kitchen counter in Rena’s kitchen. He was drinking a cup of coffee with his usual 8 spoons of sugar. No booze today, and today he surely could use it! He knew what he had to do and God he hated doing it, but it was the only thing he could do to put the matter to rest.

He got up and went over to the kitchen desk that sat at the far end. He pulled out the phone book that was stacked underneath some magazines.

He sat down and flipped through the pages. When he got to the number he was looking for he picked up the phone and dialed.

 

“Hello?” The person on the other end answered.

Brian took a deep breath. “Ethan, this is Brian Kinney. We need to talk.”


	33. Ethan

"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people."

~ Spencer Johnson

 

 

Ethan sat in Starbucks on North Felmount Street and looked at his watch for the 5th time. 8:45pm. He said 8:30. He couldn’t fucking believe he was late! First he had the nerve to call Ethan and “tell” him they needed to talk; now he has the audacity to be late! Ethan wasn’t even given the opportunity to refuse. No, fucking Brian Kinney didn’t give him that option. He simply called out of the blue and told him to meet him at Starbucks on Felmount at 8:30 tonight, not asked, but “told”. And for some ungodly reason, Ethan said yes. It was curiosity he told himself. That’s all.

Truth was, Ethan was secretly hoping Justin had left Brian again, and Brian was looking for him. Good, it would serve that arrogant prick right. Both arrogant pricks actually. Ethan hadn’t forgiven Justin for the way he left him. A fucking phone call! From his lovers place no less! It didn’t get much worse than that. He might as well have caught them in their own bed. Though if that were the case, knowing Kinney, and that little cunt Justin, they would have just invited him in.

Justin was always a bit too perverted in the sex department for Ethan’s taste. Ethan thought he would learn to appreciate the fine art of love making, but Brian had ruined him. Justin wanted it down and dirty more and more towards the end. At first they did make love, it was romantic and Justin soaked it all in. Ethan knew it was what he needed after being with that animal Kinney. But then, not two weeks went by and Justin started to change. He got demanding sexually, and when Ethan would give in to him, he’d feel dirty afterwards and Justin never looked satisfied. Ethan couldn’t have lived with that much longer. Justin was at the core, brash and uncouth. He was better off without him. Kinney could have the ungrateful prick and use the fuck out of him for all Ethan cared. Those freaks deserved each other.

Ethan looked at his watch again. Another five minutes and he swore he was going to leave this time. Just another five minutes.

 

 

Brian pulled the Vet into the parking lot of Starbucks. He reached over and grabbed the papers Viv had faxed to him just a ½ hour ago and put them in his brief case. He made a mental note to send her the biggest box of Belgium chocolates he could get his hands on. She really came through for him today in a big way and on such short notice. He owed her, though according to her, she owed him big time. This was a small thing she said. Small thing. Brian smiled to himself. That bitch must have made a fortune off all those marriages. It was a good thing Brian remembered she was a silent partner in Hathaway Studios.

Hathaway production studio’s was a very lucrative movie production studio that pumped out several pictures a year. All their movies generated respectable box office numbers. Viv was Margot’s banker, and silent partner. She had no problem in granting Brian’s request.

Brian got out of the car and pulled his jacket up around his neck. He walked into the building. Ethan was sitting at the far end of the coffee shop at a small two-person table. Brian barely acknowledged him. He went to the counter and ordered a Venti triple shot Mocha Latte’. He waited, and paid for his coffee before approaching Ethan.

Ethan looked irritated, at any other time, Brian would have been amused. Currently though, he was not. He took his coat off and threw it over the back of the chair and set his brief case down. He sat down, his eyes meeting Ethan’s and took a sip of his coffee. He offered no greeting. When he had his fill of the sweet strong brew he put his cup down.

“How’s the street Business E?” He asked calmly.

“Fuck you Kinney. You asked me here to inquire about my career?” Ethan laughed sarcastically. “I remember the last time you inquired about my career. It was self serving as I recall.” Ethan leaned back in his chair and glared at Brian.

Brian smiled at him. “And what makes you think this time is any different?” He said coolly.

 

Ethan bristled. “So, you do want something from me?” Ethan asked incredulously. He couldn’t believe the balls on this guy!

“As I recall, the last time I offered you my “self serving” help, it was very beneficial to you. You got three concert deals out of it.” Brian took another sip of his coffee.

“Big fucking deal, they dropped me right after the Boston gig.” Ethan complained.

“That was your own fault E. You should have gotten an agent. Any fucking first year Music student knows that. Your problem was you were too fucking arrogant thinking you were going to get by on your talents alone. That kind of thinking landed you back on the streets. Hopefully you learned something from it.” Brian admonished.

“What the fuck do you want Kinney? Cut me the big brother advice and get to the point.” Ethan sneered at Brian.

Brian didn’t take the bait.

“I’m in a position to offer you a position with Hathaway Studios as a contracted musician for their studio orchestra.” Brian paused and took another sip of his coffee.

“It’s a three-year contract. In addition, the Studio agrees to set you up with several agents so you can audition on your own after the contract ends. Provided you stay the three full years with Hathaway. Of course you’ll have to move out to LA.” Brian pulled the papers from his brief case and placed them on the table in front of Ethan.

Ethan looked at the papers in front of him. Shock, and greed clearly written all over his face. Brian smirked. He was never wrong about people. Ethan was an opportunistic little slut no matter how dignified he pretended to be. It had been Brian’s experience the more snobbish they were, the bigger sluts they were. Ethan would whore himself for what he loved. Which was his music he realized. Justin was right, Ethan never loved him. That knowledge both made Brian very happy, and angry. Ethan had no idea what a prize he held in his hands.

 

Ethan looked up from the papers. He knew the real deal when he saw it.

“Ok, so who do I have to kill?” He said.

Brian gave him a menacing look.

“Never mind, I forgot who I’m talking to. Let me amend that, who do I have to fuck?” Ethan said nastily.

Brian leaned forward and glared at him. “I may be a WHORE, E, but I’m not a pimp.” Brian said making note to remind Ethan that he knew he called him a whore to Justin that night on the phone.

Brian leaned back in his chair and took another sip of his coffee.

“There is some unfinished business between you me and Justin.” Brian said

“Oh, I think ANY business between us is definitely finished!” Ethan exclaimed.

Brian sighed. “Is it? You seem to be full of anger E. Are you resentful? Hurt? Still pinning away for Justin?” Brian baited.

“Fuck you Kinney. You can have that little ungrateful cunt! He used me, and then threw me to the curb. I have NO wish to talk to him again, ever.” Ethan said forceful.

Brian’s eyes turned cold. Ethan sat back a bit. The unemotional stare he was getting from Brian was freaking him out.

“You will NEVER refer to Justin as a “cunt” again. If you do, if I hear about it, I will personally make it my life’s ambition to make sure you never play anywhere, ever again. Playing the streets will be just a sweet memory for you.” Brian threatened in a calm, deadly voice.

Ethan just stared at him. He had no doubt Brian meant it. This was not an idle threat.

“Having said that. I’ll take those papers back then and you can go back to playing the streets.” Brian took the papers off the table and put them back in his brief case. He got up and turned his back to Ethan and proceeded to walk out of the shop.

Ethan saw his future walk out the door. “Wait!” He said to Brian’s retreating form.

Brian smiled. He knew Ethan’s type. He would debase himself for a hint of fame, no less the real possibility. Ethan would do anything to get that contract with Hathaway studios. He slowly turned around and raised an eyebrow at him.

“What do you want me to do?” Ethan relented. He didn’t care. An opportunity like the one Brian was offering him came once in a lifetime, if it ever came at all. He’d pay any price for a shot like this.

Brian approached the table again and sat back down.

“I want you to come to the loft with me. Justin is there.” Brian said.

Ethan screwed his face up. “So this is about sex.” He said distastefully.  
Kinney was a freak. He probably wanted to bring Ethan home as a trick for Justin. Sick Bastard. Didn’t he know that would only hurt Justin? Of course he did. It was probably his intent. But hey, if that’s what he wanted, fuck it. It was a small price to pay for a shot at his music being recorded commercially.

Brian snorted in disgust. “Please, you really don’t think I’d put Justin through that ordeal again do you? Sex with you the first time around was punishment enough. Even I’m not that cruel.” He retorted.

Ethan narrowed his eyes at the insult. “Well then why don’t you just tell me what the fuck it IS that you want from me?” Ethan said frustrated.

“Your honesty. Do you think you can handle that E, because I suspect being truthful doesn’t come easy for you. Especially if you’re not use to it. You want the offer at Hathaway studios bad enough; you have the pay the price E because I’ll know if your not being honest, and if I get a hint that you’re not, the deal is off the table.” Brian said determinedly.

Ethan looked confused. “You want me to be honest, with Justin? I’ve always been honest him. HE was the one who wasn’t honest with me!” Ethan whined.

Brian sighed. “Give me a fucking break E. You were not honest with Justin. From what I heard, you gave him the biggest line of shit I’ve ever heard anyone give another person. All that romantic bullshit. You played the game, but your heart was never in it. You needed Justin to stroke your ego.” Brian stated grateful for the first time for all those visit’s Daphne paid him when Justin was living with Ethan.

Daphne never liked Ethan and made a point to drop in on Brian at work from time to time to give him an “update” on their relationship. He knew in her own way, she was trying to provoke Brian into fighting to get Justin back. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that wasn’t going to happen, so he listened with the appearance of being uninterested, as she gave him glimpses of what life was like for Justin with Ethan. A small part of him looked forward to her reports. He needed to know Justin was ok. Another part of him recoiled at the mention of their “love affair.”

“That’s a lie.” Ethan said.

“Is it? Tell me; is it true that you would wake him up every morning by playing your violin? Then you’d bring him breakfast in bed for the two of you to share before he went to work or school?” Brian asked.

“I’m not surprised Justin divulged the intimate details of our relationship to you!” Ethan snapped. Brian didn’t correct his assumption.

“But yes, I did. It’s called romance, not that I’d expect you to understand the concept.” Ethan sneered. “When you love someone, that’s what you do for them. If you knew that, he wouldn’t have left you in the first place.” Ethan accused.

Brian shrugged. “Maybe.” He said. “But lets be honest. You didn’t “romance” Justin for his sake, you were satisfying your own selfish fantasies. Cause Justin hates to get up early in the morning. He’d rather you let him sleep an extra five minutes than wake him up early so he can hear your music and eat your breakfast. The only time Justin doesn’t mind being woken up early is when there’s a stiff cock involved. You see E, that’s my idea of romance. Giving the person you care about what they “need.” And not what you want.” Brian said.

Ethan cringed. Brian was right. Justin did always want to have sex in the morning. Ethan would rather play his music. Justin was his number one fan and biggest supporter when they were together. He did miss that. Justin always catered to his music. He loved his music and gave Ethan encouragement daily.

Ethan took a deep breath. He refused to let his thoughts go down that path.

“Just fucking tell me what you want me to say Brian.”

“Like I said. Just be honest. I think Justin needs to say some things to you, and I think you need to say some things to him. I’m told it’s called closure. Neither of you got it with each other. Justin is not one to be mean or cruel, I know he feels bad about breaking up with you the way he did. Let him know how you feel. Give him a chance to tell you how he feels.” Brian said.

He hated doing this. He never felt the need for these kinds of conversations. For Brian closure was “thanks and goodnight”. Period. But Justin needed to talk to Ethan. He needed that closure.

Justin felt horrible for treating Ethan the way he did. He was not a cruel person by nature. Fucking around with Brian when he was with Ethan, then calling him from Brian’s house to tell him was cruel in Justin’s view. Justin’s was too noble a person to accept that. Brian however, thought it was appropriate. Why drag it out? It was never real to begin with so why bother with niceties? But Justin needed niceties.

God he must be out of his fucking mind to be doing this! It was his own fucking fault though. Justin knew him too well. Normally, Justin ignored the cutting remarks Brian threw his way when he was upset. He knew Brian didn’t mean most things he said. But last night, Justin saw something in Brian that must have told him that Brian was still harboring some ill feelings over the affair. A fact that Brian didn’t even recognize. He was so use to pushing unpleasant feelings aside. Justin was too “on” to him though. He got a glimpse of it, now Brian had to deal with it.

Truth was he had forgiven Justin, but he was still uncomfortable with his own role in the situation. He pushed Justin into that affair. And when Justin confessed to Brian, Brian acted like he didn’t care. Justin practically begged Brian to ask him to stay. Brian wouldn’t say the words, he was too hurt, but inside he was screaming STAY. Justin didn’t hear him.

Turning Justin away was the hardest thing he ever had to do, and deep down, he resented Justin for it. He was hurt that Justin couldn’t “hear” him telling him to stay. It wasn’t’ logical, but feelings never were. It was one of the reason Brian avoided having them when ever possible. It was just NOT possible with Justin.

He hurt Justin with his rejection. He thought at the time it was the best thing for him, but it wasn’t. Justin belonged with him, good or bad. It was a painful lesson for him to learn, painful for both of them. He needed Justin to hear that, and he needed to say it in front of Ethan. He owed him that for hurting him. And, if he was honest with himself, he needed to see Justin with Ethan; he had to be sure there was nothing left there. It was selfish, he knew, but when it came to a certain blonde, Brian was extremely selfish.

The only good part of this whole fucking situation was that Ethan would be gone. Thousand of miles away, and then he and Justin could move on to dealing with much more important issues. Brian needed this to be out of the way first.

 

“And why do you have to be there for this?” Ethan asked. “I wouldn’t mind getting some closure with Justin. I’d hate to leave and never see him again on such a sour note.” Ethan said seriously. He wanted the deal Brian was offering him, and it would be an extra bonus if he could tell Justin off before he left.

“Because E, I know what a vicious little guttersnipe you are. I can see you already salivating over the chance to rip into Justin. This isn’t about that. It’s about coming clean and moving on. Besides, there were three people involved in your affair.” Brian said.

Ethan looked wary. “What are you talking about?” He asked.

“I’m talking about me.” Brian looked Ethan in the eye.

“I never really let go of Justin. I think you know that. And he needs to know it.” Brian stated. He wasn’t going to explain it to Ethan. It wasn’t’ important he understand, it was important that Justin understand.

“I need your decision. Now.” Brian said, not giving Ethan a chance to question him any further.

Ethan nodded his head. “Fine. When do you want to do this?” He asked.

Brian got up from the chair again. “Grab your coat.” He said.

Ethan looked stunned. “You want to do it now?!” He asked.

“Yes, now. I need this out of the way.” Brian said coldly.

“If you keep to your end of the bargain, you can then sign the papers, fax them to the number attached, and Hathaway’s will send you plane fair to get out there. They’ll even set you up in a room with some musicians. But if you fuck this up you’ll be lucky to get your spot on the streets back. Are we clear?” Brian finalized.

“Very.” Ethan said and got up to follow Brian out to his Vet.

 

************************************************************************

 

“Stop cheating Shane. I saw that.” John said.

“I told you not to let her be the banker, she’s got sticky fingers.” Rena reached over and took the play money Shane stole from the bank and moved the plastic bank away from her.

“Justin, you be the banker.” She pushed the bank in front of Justin.

Justin laughed. “She has no shame you know.” He teased.

Rena smiled over at Shane. “Nope, not at all. Gotta love her.” Rena said. Shane smiled and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

She decided she’d punish Shane enough for her little slip. In truth, she did her a favor, though Rena was reluctant to admit that.

Rena had called Shane to bring some cloths to the loft for her. She was tired of walking around in her sweats. Shane showed up around 6:00pm with Daphne, James and John in tow. Shane knew the situation and thought Justin could use his friends around to distract him. Currently, the five of them were sitting at the dinning room table playing Monopoly, courtesy of Daphne. She knew Brian wouldn’t have the board game at the loft, so she brought it with her.

Emmett showed up around 7:00pm with Chinese food. He called Justin and found out James was there. Currently he was sitting on the couch with James.

 

Justin nudged Rena’s side and gestured his head behind him. Rena turned her head to look. Emmett and James were watching an old John Wayne movie. James liked old westerns. Emmett was snuggled up to him. Each time Emmett tried to kiss or fondle him, James would gently push him away. James was extremely old fashioned. Gay or straight the man did NOT do public affection yet he chooses a boyfriend who lives for public affection. Watching them was very comical.

“I can’t believe he’s gay!” Daphne whispered to Justin.

Justin smiled. “That fact that he’s gay doesn’t surprise me. What surprises me is Emmett! I mean have you ever seen two people more opposite?” He asked good-naturedly.

“Um, yeah, you and Brian.” Daphne said.

Justin’s smile immediately disappeared. He hadn’t heard from Brian since their fight last night. Rena said he called, to ask how he was, but that was all. The longer they were apart, the more worried Justin became. He needed to talk to Brian. He wanted to call him but Rena told him he needed some time. How much time? Justin didn’t like this.

He appreciated Shane calling his friends to come over and keep him company, but he didn’t appreciate everyone knowing his and Brian’s business. He knew Brian wouldn’t appreciate it. If Brian walked in now, he would freak. Rena was one thing, she was his sister; he wouldn’t mind her being here, after all he went to her last night. But everyone else would just anger him. He needed to get rid of them, but how with out insulting them?

“Hey, Jus, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring him up. You know you two will be kissing and making up in no time!” Daphne declared.

“It’s what you two do best.” She added.

“Thanks Daph.” Justin smiled weakly at her.

“Hey gorgeous, it’s your turn.” John said and reached over to give Rena a deep open mouth kiss. It was a ritual of theirs. Each time it came around to one of their turns, they had to make out for like ten minutes for luck before either could throw the dice. Shane thought it was disgusting; Daphne thought it romantic, Justin worried how Rena was handling this new development in her life.

“It’s 9:30, it’s getting late.” Justin said feebly. 9:30 late? He didn’t even believe it.

Daphne got his drift though. “Ok guys, I think Goldie Locks need some space. Lets go to Woodys!” Daphne suggested and started packing up the board game.

“Woody’s!” Emmett’s voice came from the living room.

“Yes, lets!” He jumped up and clapped his hands. James sighed and rose from the couch.

Everyone took his cue and got up to leave.

Rena reluctantly broke their kiss. “He needs some space.” She whispered in John’s mouth.

“Hmmm…I need you.” John murmured against her lips as he gently brushed his lips back and forth against hers. Rena sighed. She could go on kissing John all night.

John stood up and took her with him. “I’ll call you later.” He said between kisses.

“I’ll be here. You going to Woody’s?” She asked.

“I got some work to do. I’ll be home. Besides, I don’t think I can stand another minute watching Emmett paw at James.” John laughed. “James looks so uncomfortable.” John remarked.

Rena laughed. “Yeah, he is. I think Emmett is the best thing that could have happened to James.” Rena mused. John shook his head. He couldn’t’ see it, but no one knew James better than Rena, he’d take her word on this one.

“Ok guys, lets head out.” John announced to the group. They were all saying their goodbyes when the loft door slammed open.

All heads turned toward the door. Surprise registered on more than one face, except for Justin’s. Justin was stunned. There, standing in the entryway of the loft was Brian, with Ethan right behind him.

He felt sick, and dizzy. Rena immediately reached out for him.

“Fuck.” She breathed. John didn’t understand why everyone was so quiet.

“What is it?” He asked nervously.

“If my assumption is correct, that’s the ex.” Rena said.

“Yes, that’s Ethan.” Justin whispered to Rena, in a stupefied state. He didn’t know how to react. He felt like he was dreaming, more like a nightmare. Why would Brian do this to him?

“John, get everyone ………..”

‘GET THE FUCK OUT.” Brian’s voice interrupted Rena’s sentence.

Everyone jumped into motion. Apologizing and rushing past Brian. Only Rena and John stayed behind.

Brian entered the loft with Ethan and shut the door behind the retreating forms.

He went over to Rena, eyes blazing.

“I asked YOU to stay with him, why the fuck where THEY here?!” He screamed at Rena.

“Brian, calm down. Shane brought them over for moral support. I thought it would be ok. Besides, you SAID, you’d call me later! YOU DIDN’T CALL.” Rena yelled back.

“So what? Now everyone knows my fucking business?” Brian sneered referring to Daphne, James and Emmett.

He knew Shane and John knew, and James, well of course he would know, but he trusted James to be discreet. Fucking Emmett would have this all over Liberty Avenue by midnight. Fucking GREAT! That’s all he needed. Emmett telling everyone that Brian came home with Justin’s ex! He knew how Emmett’s mind worked. It was on drama overload 24/7. His only hope would was that James would control that mouth of his.

 

“WAIT!” Justin interrupted Brian’s outrage. He was breathing heavy and visibly trying to control his emotions.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE?” He screeched.

“Ok, that’s our cue John.” Rena said. She turned to Justin.

“Honey, for ONCE, don’t act rashly. Just listen to what he has to say.” She pleaded with Justin.

Justin glared at her. “You knew?” He asked accusingly.

Rena’s body stiffened. “No. And tomorrow, when you’re calmer, I hope you apologize for that.” She said and turned to leave.

John looked at Brian. “I’m sorry.” He said.

“Sorry’s bullshit John. Get her home safe.” Brian said.

Rena and John left the loft. And eerie silence fell over the three of them. Ethan was enjoying this scene. It didn’t go unnoticed by either Brian or Justin.

 

Brian reached out to grab Justin. Justin pulled back. “Don’t.” He said.

Brian sighed. “Ok, so this isn’t going exactly as I planed.” He smiled and winked at Justin.

Justin blinked. Did Brian just wink at him? What the fuck was his game.

“What are you up to Bri?” He asked cautiously.

“Well Sunshine, I thought maybe we could throw the fiddler here out the window. You’re always saying that we have to deal with our problems together. I thought it would be a great bonding experience for us.” Brian teased. He needed Justin to lighten up, else this would go very badly.

Ethan stuttered behind him. “Fuck you Kinney! That’s not even fucking funny.”

Brian sighed and looked behind him. “E, shut the fuck up. I’m not going to throw you out the window. Yet. We made a deal, remember? Now go sit down over on the couch and let me talk to Justin first.” Brian ordered. Ethan looked skeptical but went over to the couch, warily looking at the large window in front of it.

Brian motioned for Justin to go into the kitchen, not attempting to touch him again. Justin glared at him. Brian sighed and walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. Justin followed him.

“I missed you.” Brian said.

“Fuck you.” Justin said.

“Ok, that was nice. Are you going to calm down and talk to me, or are we going to go a few rounds first? You’re choice Sunshine.” Brian said and took a drink from the water.

“How the fuck can you be so cavalier about this!?” Justin asked incredulously.

“How the fuck can you think I’d bring HIM here to hurt you?” Brian returned.

Justin sat on the stool. Brian wouldn’t do that to him. Not even as revenge for throwing him out, he knew that. Rena was right, he was reacting rashly. Fuck, he really did need to apologize to her. She was always so supportive and loving to him. She didn’t’ deserve his wrath.

“Ok, I’m calm. Why did you bring him here?” Justin asked, ready to talk about this. He couldn’t fathom what the fuck Brian must be thinking.

“Well, part of what I said before was the truth. You did say we needed to deal with our problems together. Ian is a problem obviously. I decided we should deal with him together.” Brian announced.

Justin looked at him stunned. Just when he thought he knew all there was to know about the Kinney manual Brian changes the text. He shook his head.

“Brian, Ethan is a person, not a problem. You can’t just drag him into our home and “deal” with him! I mean, what were you thinking? How are we supposed to deal with him?” Justin was curious to hear what Brian’s plan was.

Brian sighed. “Listen, I don’t know shit about relationships, you know this. But I do know how to deal with problems. You face them head on. And that’s what we are going to do. Face this problem. We’re all going to say what we need to say, get everything out on the table and then be done with it. Now you WILL do this Justin, you have no idea what it took to get that little prick here.” Brian scowled.

Justin narrowed his eyes. “What did you do Bri?” He asked cautiously.

“I called Viv and got him a job with Hathaway Studios playing in their orchestra. I told him if he came here for “closure”.” Brian made a face like he just tasted something bad. “then he had the job. The only condition was that he had to be honest. We all do if we’re to get past this. He agreed.” Brian said smugly, quite pleased with his plan.

Justin scowled. “And he agreed? Of course he agreed. His music is the only thing he ever loved.” Justin said then immediately regretted it when he saw the pain in Brian’s eyes. FUCK! He didn’t mean that as it sounded.

“Brian, I never loved him. I swear to you, that’s the truth. YOU know this, and he knows it. It does hurt my ego though that I wasn’t loved. You have to understand that. As I’m sure it hurts his ego. No one likes knowing they were nothing more than a convenience. You want honesty, well there it is.” Justin said.

Brian lowered the bottle of water, his eyes never leaving Justin’s.

“You didn’t hear me.” He said.

Justin tilted his head, confused. “What?” He asked.

“You want to know why I’m still carrying around resentment over your affair, it’s because you didn’t hear me.” He said.

Justin still didn’t understand. “Brian, what are you talking about?” He asked.

“Why did you leave?” Brian asked.

Justin had no idea where Brian was going with this, but he wanted to give him an honest answer. He thought for a minute, searching through his feelings for the truth of why he left.

Yes, Brian treated him like shit at times, but Justin always saw past Brian’s bullshit. Justin knew Brian cared for him deeply. The truth was that Justin was feeling vulnerable at that time. He needed attention, and Brian didn’t give it to him, Ethan did. But that wasn’t why he left. He never loved Ethan, he knew that. But when Brian found out about the affair, he needed Brian to tell him to stay. That was the bottom line. He wanted to hear the words. He had so many unresolved issues over the bashing, his inability to paint like he use to, that he just needed some reassurance from Brian that he was wanted, that was “worthy” and Brian refused to give it to him.

He took a deep breath before he answered.

“Because you didn’t ask me not to. ” He simply said.

“And that’s why I’m resentful.” Brian said truthfully.

Justin sucked his breath in. “How can you be resentful of that?!” He asked bewildered by Brian’s words.

Brian leaned forward so that his face was close to Justin’s.

“Because I DID ask you to stay! I may have not said the words, but I was screaming it inside. YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD ME.” He grinded out between clenched teeth.

Justin’s heart dropped. He looked into Brian’s eyes and saw the raw emotions there. Brian was telling him that he did want him to stay. Justin thought back to that time. If he had been thinking, if he hadn’t been so wrapped up in his own emotions, he WOULD have noticed. That night when Justin came home after he confessed the affair to Brian, Brian was home, waiting for him. It wasn’t that late, Brian would normally have been at Babylon. But he wasn’t. He was in bed. He pulled the sheets back and Justin got in. They didn’t fuck that night, Brian just held him.

FUCK! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! He was so fucking hurt over Brian telling him “stay or go” it was his decision, that he totally missed what was Brian was saying so clearly!

“Jesus Bri…..” He said, his voice cracked with emotion. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t hear you. ….” His eyes filled with tears.

Brian scoffed. “No, you didn’t.” He said.

“Brian?”

“Yeah?”

“Next time I don’t “hear” you? Maybe you should try using a different form of communication. As much as I’d like to think I know you, I’m not a fucking mind reader. I’m going to miss some things.” Justin reached out and placed his hand on Brian’s chest.

“Forgive me. Please.” He whispered.

Brian signed. “I have forgiven you. I told you that. I’ve never lied to you Justin.” Brian said a bit affronted.

“I’m not talking about the affair. Forgive me for not hearing you. And know that if I did, I would have stayed.” Justin said.

Brian smiled and leaned down and kissed Justin. Justin melded into him.

“Ok Sunshine, you’re forgiven, for that. But there is still the matter of throwing me out.” Brian narrowed his eyes and pulled Justin in for another kiss.

Justin moaned deeply. “I know, I’ve been such a bad boy.” He said impishly.

“HELLO!” Ethan’s voice broke their mood.

“Fuck.” Brian said. “I forgot about the fiddler. We can still throw him out the window you know.”

Justin laughed. “Nah, too messy.”

Justin turned around to face Ethan.

“Ethan. What I did was a shitty thing. But I know that Brian’s offer is more then enough to make up for my rude behavior. I’m sure you feel the same way.” Justin said.

Brian looked at Justin amazed. Justin just insulted Ethan! He laughed out loud. If he needed any proof that Justin had no feelings for Ethan what so ever, he just got it. Justin had Ethan’s number. He would have been sorry, really sorry, if Ethan was a decent person that Justin felt he truly hurt, but he knew Ethan for what he was. A selfish, arrogant narcissistic prick. Brian hugged Justin from behind.

“I’m not sorry. Can I say that?” Brian looked down at Justin.

“You can say anything you want, as long as it’s honest. That was the deal you made, wasn’t it?” Justin replied. Brian gave him a quick kiss then looked over at Ethan.

“E, you never really wanted Justin, pity for you, lucky for me. But even if you did, I would have never let you have him. I never let him go to begin with. I made sure I was always part of his life, and I always will be.” Brian said.

Justin looked up at him, love shinning in his eyes.

“You never let me go?” He asked.

Brian gave him a face. “Duh! Why do you think I came to the diner every fucking day? I convinced your boyfriend to take a job I knew would take him out of town for weeks. I let Daphne interrupt my work just so I could hear how you were doing. There was no way I was going to let you slip away that easily. I hadn’t had a decent blow job since you left.” He said.

Justin laughed. “You are so fucking bad. I love you.” He said

Brian gave Justin his sexiest smile. “Does this mean I get to move back in?” He asked teasingly.

‘Wait a fucking minute!” Ethan interrupted.

“Part of this deal was that I got a chance to be honest too!” He said, not liking how they were making sport of him. He wanted a bit of his own back.

“Fine, go ahead.” Brian said, too much in a good mood to let anything Ethan might have to say upset him.

 

Ethan looked at Justin. “I may not have been the love of your life Justin, or you mine, but I DID deserve better! “

Justin sobered up. “Yes you did. But you knew from the beginning Brian was the love of my life. I told you that. You made the choice to accept it. You convinced yourself I would get over it. That wasn’t going to happen, but you were too busy building this little fantasy around us, that you ignored the truth of our relationship. You wanted a partner to show off as you toured around the country when you made it big. Someone to worship your mighty talent. I was willing to give that to you at the time, having lost most of my own talent…”

Brian looked down at Justin. Lost most his own talent? He defiantly was going to talk to him about that later.

“….but like I told you on the phone, I needed a place to rest my mind, and you provided that for me. And yes, I am grateful. But I owe you nothing. What Brian is offering you is “better”. Take it, and let’s be done with it.” Justin said wanting Ethan out of their loft, and their lives.

Brian took his cue. “Ok E, time to go. We’re done.” He went to retrieve his briefcase and handed the papers to Ethan.

“Now get out.” Brian said.

Ethan clutched the papers in his hands, everything else forgotten. Brian opened the door and Ethan left.

“Well he seems happy.” Brian said as he closed the door.

Justin ran and jumped into Brian’s arms, bringing his legs up around Brian’s waist.

Brian laughed and stumbled backwards.

“Now what about that punishment?”


	34. The Punishment

"I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain. I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry... just make me feel alive.”

 

~ Joey Lauren Adams

 

 

“Whoa there Sunshine, we still have some unfinished business.” Brian said between the barrages of kisses Justin was raining all over his face.

“Hmmm… I know, my punishment.” Justin purred seductively and pressed his body tighter against Brian’s.

Brian carried Justin over to the couch and dropped him unceremoniously onto it.

Justin landed on the supple leather with a soft thud. He looked up at Brian with hooded eyes, his passion burning hot turning them a deeper blue. Brian mentally groaned. His body reacted instinctively.

“You threw me out.” Brian said struggling to reign in his mounting desire.

He willed himself to be patient. He was about to introduce Justin to his particular brand of punishment. His blonde did throw him out after all, it warranted some retribution, and retribution came in many forms. Brian was feeling very much like doling out some of it, his way. He had confidence that Justin could handle it, and would find it extremely erotic.

 

Justin blinked at him in confusion. He knew Brian was very aroused, he could smell it. Why did he stop?

“Brian?” He whispered in a very husky voice.

“You threw me out Justin.” Brian repeated.

“Now the question is, are you prepared for the consequence?” He asked, his eyes burning into Justin’s.

Justin stared at him. A smile spread across his face. He recognized the look Brian was giving him. It was the look he gave him when he wanted to try something new sexually with him.

Since Brian had taken his virginity, he had always been very patient with Justin when it came to introducing him to different variations of sex. At first he was a little hesitant, worried about how Justin would react. But that faded quickly as Justin proved to be very adventurous sexually.

The first time Brian tied him up, Justin was a bit nervous, but that passed quickly. Since then Justin has been an eager student. Loving every new sex act Brian introduced him too. He trusted Brian with his body, completely.

“Yes, I’m ready.” He said with out reservation.

Brian leaned down and placed his hands on either side of Justin’s body.

“Before you say yes, understand that I want to take you to a place you may not like, at first. But if you go there I promise you, in the end, the pleasure you will receive will be like non other. Getting there though will be difficult.” His eyes softened and he leaned in and kissed Justin.

“Justin, your passion runs very deep. It truly rival’s my own, and as you know, I have some pretty intense sexual needs. You’re ready for more, I feel it.” He said.

Justin swallowed hard. His body tightened, he was a bit frightened; the kind of fright one had when first boarding the biggest roller coaster they’ve ever ridden. Anticipation filled him, fear gripped him, and he wanted the thrill of the ride. Brian couldn’t talk him out of it now if he tried.

“Take me there.” He said huskily.

Brian smiled.

“Listen to me Justin, are you listening?” He willed Justin to really “listen” to him. It was important Justin knew what he was agreeing to.

Justin heard the urgency in Brian’s voice. “ Yes, I’m listening.” He said earnestly.

“There’s a certain sexual satisfaction one gets from a little bit of pain. It can be addicting. There are two types of people Justin, those who welcome the pain and the pleasure it brings, and those who fear it. But no one comes away from it unaffected. I believe you would welcome it. But you have to trust me completely, and give yourself up to me, entirely. I’ll be everywhere, in your mind, your body, your very soul. I’ll be controlling your every feeling. The pain, the pleasure, your release. All of it. Do you understand?” Brian asked.

Justin nodded. Not daring to speak afraid he’d break this spell Brian was weaving. He hadn’t even touched him yet but the sexual dance had already begun. Justin felt it.

“Good boy. Before we start, you’ll need a safe word.” Brian said.

Justin’s breath caught in his chest. A safe word. This was really going to happen. Justin wasn’t stupid, he heard about BDSM. He knew what a safe word was. His heart quickened. God he was so ready for this.

“You do know what a safe word is, don’t you Justin? It’s a word you use as a signal for me to stop. You must promise me to use it if you feel at all threatened, or uncertain in any way. Do you understand? I’m TRUSTING you to use it. Don’t think that because you use it that you’ve failed somehow; there is no pass or fail in this. And if you do use your safe word, don’t think we won’t try this again. We will, if you want, but if you need to use it, and you don’t, I’ll know and it will only make it very bad for both of us. We MUST be clear on this.” Brian’s eyes were intense, Justin understood perfectly. He would not disobey Brian on this.

“What if I just say stop?” Justin asked.

Brian smiled sexily. “Not good Sunshine. I expect you to beg me to stop.” He said.

Justin almost came at that statement. He groaned.

“Jesus Brian, just talking about this is making me crazy. You think of a word.” He pleaded.

“No, you have to. This way I’ll know you’ll remember it. Think of a word that would come to you easily if you needed it to.” Brian said.

Justin thought for a moment. A word that would relay to Brian that he needed him to stop, that he needed help……

 

“Rage.” Justin said.

Brian smiled. “Rage.” He confirmed.

Justin smiled. “Yes, who better to call if I need help?” He smiled.

Brian laughed. “Ok, Rage it is. If I so much as hear “Ra”, I’m stopping.” He said.

 

Justin nodded.

Brian brought his hands to Justin’s waist and pulled him up from the couch.

“Time for your punishment Sonny boy.” He said and led him to the bedroom.

 

********************************************************************

“Mmmm…honey.” Justin laughed as he rolled the sweet sticky nectar on his tongue over his lips to sooth the burning from the horseradish Brian smeared on his lips just a moment before.

 

Presently he was sitting naked and blindfolded on the kitchen floor while Brian introduced him to various foods, spices, drinks, and condiments.   
Justin sighed with pleasure. When they started out this evening, Justin was prepared for anything. Bondage, spanking, maybe some hot wax play, but that wasn’t the case, so far.

The first thing Brian did was shower with him. Justin wasn’t allowed to do anything. Brian washed and caressed his body, inside and out. He washed his hair first, massaging Justin’s scalp languorously. Justin loved it. His scalp tingled and blood rushed to his head. He felt heady. Then he soaped Justin’s body up and explored every inch with his hands and fingers, making sure to linger at all of Justin’s sensitive spots. Brian would stop periodically to kiss Justin passionately, and whisper seductive words into his ear. Justin didn’t want the shower to end, but it did.

Brian then dried him off with the same consideration as he washed him. Rubbing his arms, legs and torso vigorously creating a heat that coursed through his body awakening each nerve ending.

After he was dried, his body flushed with heat, Brian cooled him down with his expensive body oil. He massaged the soft silky liquid all over him, making sure to cover every inch of Justin. The cool air in the loft hit his well-oiled skin causing little shivers to run through him. The sensation was both incongruous and vitalizing.

After Justin was sufficiently oiled, Brian pulled Justin down on the bed and blindfolded him with his Terramar woven silk bandana. Justin immediately felt a certain release of power once blindfolded. It was liberating in a way.

Brian then led Justin’s naked form to the kitchen where he currently sat on the floor while Brian introduced his taste buds to an array of conflicting flavors.

Justin discovered that the loss of one sense heightened his other senses. Justin smelled things more acutely. He could smell the faint lemon from the polish off the furniture, the hint of smoke that lingered from the cigarette Brian had before they showered and of course, the ever present smell of Brian, which filled his nostrils with each breath, over powering all other scents.

His hearing was more pronounced. The sultry voice of Etta James singing “Do I Move You”, drifted from the stereo filling his head with seductive images. The faint whisper of movement each time Brian rose to get something from the cupboard or the refrigerator reverberated all around him. And the silence, when he didn’t know where Brian was, or what he was doing was deafening.

His taste buds were also more sensitive. Foods were sweeter, or more sour, spicier or more bitter. The milk was colder, the peanut butter heavy and pungent. Being the consummate lover of food that he was, Justin really enjoyed this experiment. The variations in tastes and textures sparked his creative nature. He was mentally planning new dishes to experiment with.

Brian was painstakingly awakening all of Justin’s senses. He wanted Justin raw and open.

“You always had a sweet tooth.” Brian purred as he let some of the honey spill onto Justin’s chin and chest.

Justin flinched. His skin was very sensitive, the sticky liquid felt like warm wax hitting his skin.

Brian laughed and leaned in and licked the sweet nectar off of him. Justin sucked his breath in.

“Up.” Brian suddenly announced and took Justin’s wrists and pulled him to his feet. He led Justin into the living room.

“Don’t move.” He said. Justin didn’t know exactly where he was standing. He heard Brian walk away from him.

A few minutes later Brian returned. He took hold of Justin’s wrist and tied them together using what felt to Justin like silk ties. He then pulled Justin’s arms up over his head and fastened the ties to the beam above. The same beam, ironically, that Brian had used on his 30th birthday when he had tried scarfing.

 

Justin’s body was stretched taut. He felt totally exposed. All his senses were on overload and he waited with great anticipation for Brian’s next move.

Brian circled him. Each time Brian walked by him Justin could tell how close he was by the rush of air his movements created against his skin. Goosebumps rose and fell with each pass.

Justin felt Brian’s hand move to his cock. He strained forward giving Brian better access. He moaned as Brian slid something down his shaft, and over his balls, pulling his balls up tight against the base of his cock. It was tight, and confining. Justin realized it was a cock ring.

“Breath.” Brian whispered to him as he released his cock.

Justin’s mind focused on the tight uncomfortable feeling of the cock ring. Though aroused, he was not fully erect. The ring would only tighten when he became erect, and Justin had no doubt he would become fully erect, when Brian wanted him too.

Justin tried to focus on breathing. Brian once again left him.

Justin had no idea how long he was left suspended, waiting for Brian to return, but his muscles were starting to feel strained.

He couldn’t discern were Brian was, but he was certain he hadn’t left the loft. He would have heard if he did. His body was tense and alive. His nerve endings were raw. His cock and balls were straining against the ring feeling heavy and heavier with each minute that passed. His body screamed for attention. Any kind of attention. The anticipation was excruciating.

 

 

Brian sat back in the Minotti armchair and watched Justin. His body was starting to form a light sheen of sweat from the exertion of being suspended. His nostril flared a bit with his anxiety and excitement. He doubted Justin noticed, but his cock was getting erect. It was probably causing him some discomfort. The more erect he became, the tighter the ring got, stemming the blood flow to his shaft. His blonde was ready.

Brian slowly rose from his chair and grabbed the crop he took from James. He knew James had used it on Rena when she had a seizure because it was the only way he knew how to make her come out of it, but Brian put an end to that. He told James if she had another seizure he was to call him immediately and rush her to the hospital. He would NOT have him whipping Rena again. He took the crop away from him. Now he was going to use it on his boy, but for very different reasons.

 

Justin heard Brian as soon as he rose from the chair. He held his breath.

“You’ve been a very, very bad boy.” Brian whispered as he moved behind him. He slid the crop up the back of Justin’s leg. Justin’s body went rigid.

Brian reached around with his other hand and started stroking Justin’s cock while he continued to caress the back of Justin’s thigh with the crop.

Justin let out a small whimper. As soon as Brian touched his cock he became hard. Painfully hard. The ring was squeezing his balls against the base of his cock, slowing down his blood flow as Brian was stroking the flames of his arousal. The paradox was causing havoc with Justin’s senses. Brian was relentless. He moved around to face Justin and went down on his knees. He took Justin into his mouth.

Justin cried out. “No, Brian please, no stop.” He begged. The pressure was too intense. He wanted to cum so bad, but the ring wouldn’t allow him release.

Brian ignored his pleas and continued to work Justin’s cock with his mouth. Using his tongue and lips to bring Justin’s cock to full erection.

A small sob escaped Justin’s lips. “Bri, please, I can’t.” He said.

Brian gave Justin one final lick all the way up the base of his cock before releasing him. He rose to his feet.

“You want me to stop?” He asked huskily.

Justin never felt so confused in his life. YES. He wanted him to stop, but he didn’t want it to end. If that made any sense. His cock was painfully erect, he needed release bad, but he didn’t want Brian to stop. He just needed some release from the excruciating feeling in his cock. It wasn’t that he needed to cum; it was that he HAD to cum. He couldn’t stand the pressure anymore.

“I can’t stand the pressure Bri, please make it go away.” Justin said, hoping Brian would remove the ring and let him cum.

Brian ran his hand through Justin’s hair lovingly.

“Tell me if this helps.” He said right before he brought he crop down hard on Justin’s ass.

Justin gasped. The sting was unexpected, and radiated through his body. His body jerked. Before his mind could register the pain Brian landed another one to his ass. Only this time to the other cheek.

“Arrghhhh…….” Justin gasped for breath. Burning heat permeated his skin.

Brian kissed his neck. “Does your cock feel better now Sunshine?” He asked.

Justin choked a bit, trying to pull in some air and wrap his mind around the pain. His cock however was not as erect now, the pressure was gone.

“Bastard.” Justin cursed Brian. Brian let out a small sadistic laugh.

“We can stop this anytime you like Sunshine. We can go back to the bedroom and I can fuck you into the mattress if that’s what you want. Just say the word.” He whispered into Justin’s ear, licking it for affect.

Justin moaned. God yes, he wanted Brian to take him to bed and fuck his brains out. But another part of him, something deep inside him was too curious. He intuitively knew that if he endured, if he let Brian take him there, he’d be taken to a place of total bliss. And Justin wanted to go there with Brian.

“No.” Justin said defiantly.

Brian smiled. He knew Justin was ready for this. Justin was highly sexual and adventurous. His nature was to explore life and feel things to the fullest. It was what made him a great artist. He wasn’t afraid to go places in his mind and soul. Places deep inside where he pulled forth what ever it took to create his art. He was doing that now. He knew that through this pain and discomfort, something wonderful would emerge. And Brian was going to make sure that he was going to experience that bliss that one could only achieve through letting yourself be open to the pain.

Brian sighed and traced the faint red line left from the crop on Justin’s ass with his finger.

“Beautiful.” He whispered.

Justin heard the emotion behind the word and instantly knew he made the right decision. A smile crept across his face. He would gladly face what ever Brian gave him tonight just for another chance to hear that emotion in Brian’s voice one more time.

 

Brian continued his torturous ministrations on Justin’s body. Alternately bringing him to unbelievable heights of arousal, which conversely caused Justin great pleasure and pain simultaneously then, just when Justin couldn’t bear it any longer, taking the pain away. Sometimes by creating new pain, sometimes with little teases of promised release by loosening the cock ring. Justin perversely preferred when Brian took the pressure away with the crop then when he teased him by loosening the cock ring. Each time he did, hope sprung internal only to be crushed when Brian retightening the ring when he felt Justin had enough of a break.

Time lost all meaning. Justin lived in this space where nothing matter but the next touch, the next burn, the next tiny bit of release he was granted. He was at a point where he didn’t know what he wanted, or what his body needed. But Brian knew, and Brian provided.

Justin’s chest rose and fell rapidly. Sweat covered his body. His desire took hold of him again and again as he futilely tried to fight it. His cock hardened at Brian’s command, his body responded at his will. He was fighting an inner battle between his mounting desire, and his need to ward off the pain that came with that desire and the pain Brian inflicted and the inevitable pleasure that followed. It was a loosing battle. His body wasn’t his to command any longer.

He loved and hated what Brian was doing to him at the same time. Excitement, passion and anticipation rushed through Justin’s veins creating a euphoric state within him; much as an addict experiences when he’s infused with that first rush of rapture he gleans from his drug of choice. This, Justin knew, could easily become his drug of choice.

This “feeling”, this need, desire and yearning was a tangible thing. It was a living, breathing entity that entered his body and embraced it in a way he never thought possible. Brian teased his senses, tantalizing each nerve ending with experienced fingers until he felt raw and exposed from his ministrations. Desire flowed through his veins with incredible speed, taking his blood on a dangerously wild journey through the arteries and into his heart. Once there, it massaged his valued muscle with a lovers touch, seducing and coaxing it with fervency until it pounded with relentless abandonment.

This desire even had its own taste. Tart and salty, making Justin lick his lips in anticipation over and over again. And the results it was producing, ah well, that was just icing on the cake. Yes, this new kind of desire was a tangible thing and Justin knew no other aphrodisiac that could match its power.

 

Brian was dealing with his own inner battle. God he loved watching Justin. The blonde amazed him with his strong deep passion. He knew Justin was ready for this, what amazed and shocked him was how his submission was affecting Brian’s own desire.

Justin approached this new experience like he approached most things in his life, with complete abandonment and courage. It was who Justin was, and it was at the core, what drew Brian to him. Justin’s lust for live, and his courage to live it on his terms is what in the end, prompted Brian to open up his own heart. Brian didn’t have the courage Justin had to expose himself emotionally. He wasn’t willing to risk being hurt again. Justin wasn’t afraid of getting hurt; he dived in fearlessly. Brian admired and respected Justin for that. He owed Justin so much for teaching him how to love again, without fear.

Brian pushed Justin a bit further then he intended, taking his cue from Justin’s body. Every twitch, every ripple of his muscles, the changing colors of his skin as it heated and cooled spoke volumes to Brian. Justin was riding the tiger hard, not willing to get off just yet, but Brian’s own body was telling him it was time.

He worked Justin over long and hard and Justin was at his peak, if Brian didn’t take him over the edge now, he might lose him.

Brian brought the crop up between Justin’s legs slowly until the tip reached the base of his balls. Justin groaned and his body went slack against his restraints. Brian quickly wrapped his arms around Justin’s waist and pulled him to him. He dropped the crop and reached up and untied Justin’s wrists, Justin feel forward.

Brian guided Justin to the floor and pulled his hips up so that he was kneeling. Justin let Brian maneuver his body, unable to think coherently at this point.

“Stay.” Brian ordered and got up to leave. Justin remained on all fours, still blindfolded and obeyed, unable to do anything else.

Brian returned shortly and kneeled behind Justin. Justin felt his naked body press against his. He shook with need.

Brian leaned over and kissed Justin’s neck. Justin felt Brian rub warm, almost hot oil onto and into his ass, readying him. Justin pushed back against Brian and mewled, his raw, desperate animalistic need took over.

Brian laughed seductively. “Not yet Sonny boy, not until I say.” Brian said.

Justin cried out in frustration. The pressure in his cock was mounting again; the cock ring was still firmly in place. If he didn’t get release soon, he knew he would pass out.

He tried to speak, to beg Brian, but he couldn’t. His mind couldn’t form the words, he was operating on instinct alone, all he could do was speak to Brian with his body, and the frantic sounds coming from deep in his throat.

The oil was getting hotter, and Justin was burning up with desire. He felt Brian push his cock against his ass. Total ecstasy and fear gripped him. His cock strained painfully against the ring, he knew if Brian fucked him with it on, it would be unbearable; he wouldn’t be able to take that, for the first time tonight, Justin seriously contemplated using his safe word.

Then, just when he thought Brian was about to enter him, Brian pulled back and Justin felt the ice-burn of what he presumed to be an ice cube slip in his ass. Justin collapsed, but not before Brian was able to reach around and untie the cock ring. At that exact moment, Brian rammed his cock into Justin’s ass.

Brian reached over and bit Justin’s neck, he turned his head and whispered into Justin’s ear, in a very deep, husky, voice…..

“Do you know how much I love you?”

Justin lost it. He came. He came hard, and long. The force of it ripped through him like lightening. His orgasm was frightening. It went beyond the physical right into his soul. He literally could not breath with the force of it. He rode it, and held on as long as he could, never wanting it to end, never wanting to forget this feeling, this moment, he held on until he couldn’t hold on any longer, and then he passed out.

Brian came the moment he entered Justin. He held on to him while Justin experienced his own, marveling at the intensity of his release. He felt it the moment Justin left him.  
He panicked. He pulled out of Justin and turned him around so he was cradled in Brian’s lap. He pulled the blindfold off of his eyes.

Justin’s head lolled back against Brian’s arm.

“Justin!” Brian yelled, fear gripping him.

Justin heard the panic in his lovers voice and slowly opened his eyes, squinting at the light.. Brian sighed in relief.

 

“You scared me there for a moment.” He said and reached down and kissed Justin with all the love he had.

Justin received his kiss, but was too weak to respond. Brian lifted his head and looked down at his lover. A smile crept onto Justin’s face.

“You love me.” He said dreamily.

Brian smiled and winked at Justin.

“What was your first clue?” Brian joked.

“Well it wasn’t at the first stroke of that crop!” Justin playfully complained.

“Really? I put a lot of love into that first stroke Sunshine.” Brian teased.

Justin smiled and nestled into Brian’s body.

“Oh, by the way Brian…” Justin rubbed his cheek against Brian’s side.

“Yes?”

“Rage.”


	35. The Lawyer

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

~Anatole France

 

Old habits are hard to break.

If nothing else, the well-used cliché eased Shane’s guilt a bit.

Shane sat at the bar in the lounge of the upscale hotel dressed in her "boyish" attire; complete with bonded breast and slicked back hair.

She'd been dressing like a woman for the past several weeks; a condition she agreed to when she took the job at Kinnetik’s. She had chafed at the idea at first but eventually had come to accept it, still she couldn’t’ resist slipping back into familiar territory.

She knew Rena wouldn't approve. Rena felt she was finally progressing towards finding her true identity. But it wasn’t a matter of finding her identify, it was a matter of creating one. She had no self-identity. She grew up pretending to be what other people wanted her to be. It was how she survived. She never had time to discover who she really was.

Brian was right in one aspect, Shane was more attracted to men then she was to women. She was straight. However there was a certain comfort and control she enjoyed when she played the gay boy with straight men. When she got over whelmed with life she resorted back to her old lifestyle. It was what she knew best, where she felt most in control.

The Empire hotel was twenty miles outside Pittsburgh. Just far enough away from all the demands and decisions she faced at home. Her life was changing, drastically. Neither Brian nor Rena would allow her to “hide”, as they saw it, behind her boyish image anymore. It was very hard letting go, and when things got too much for her, she donned her “gay trick” personality and went out looking for release. For her it was, to coin Brian’s phrase,” pain management.”

She hated hiding these little excursions of hers. She knew both Rena and Brian had their own methods of “coping” when life got too much for them; it wasn’t like they wouldn’t understand. Still, Shane felt like she was letting them down each time she slipped back into old habits. And after her little slip about Emilian’s phone call, she didn’t want to disappoint Rena, yet again.

Shane was restless, and confused. She needed a distraction. Preferably in the form of some straight businessman who wanted to indulge their deep-rooted fantasy of fucking a young boy. And tonight, Shane was just the girl for the job.

Currently she had her sites on one of the two gentlemen who sat at the other end of the bar.

"Another scotch." She called to the bartender in her deep baritone voice she used when in character.

The bartender was a burly man with a sour disposition. Not at all fitting into the typical bartender stereotype. He didn't want to hear her problems and wasn't pleasant in the least. Each time he gave her a drink, he'd ask for ID. This was her third drink. Shane took a long swallow of the heated liquid and turned her attention back to the men at the end of the bar.

 

  
“Derek, I would never presume to instruct you on how to counsel your client, but if I WAS so inclined, I would advise you to tell your client to take this offer. My clients’ generosity in this situation is really astounding when you think of it. I have photos of her entertaining boys of questionable ages, in their marriage bed for God sakes. The fact that there is ANY offer on the table is truly amazing considering the facts.” The man making the offer put his hands up to ward off the other man’s objections.

“Not that I’m judging mind you, far from it. Personally I applaud your client’s contribution to the sexual education of these young boys. However, my penchant for deviant sexual behavior is not shared by all.”

Shane smiled as she listened to the man work his skill on his opponent. She’d been ease dropping in on their conversation for the past twenty minutes. The sandy haired man impressed her. From what she overheard, they were two lawyers trying to come to an agreement over a divorce settlement. The sandy haired man was representing the husband and employing what sounded to Shane like some pretty strong armed, questionable tactics on his opponent.

 

“Fuck you Slatter. Pictures?! What did you do? Hire a P.I. or did you just manufacture these so called pictures?” The second lawyer made a rude sound before he continued his tirade.

“I know all about you Slatter. It’s a wonder you’re still allowed to practice law at all. Word is that you’ll do anything to win a case. Even resort to blackmail and extortion. Yet no matter how many times you’ve been slapped by the courts, you’ve managed to escape being disbarred, AND your caseload is full. Why is that I wonder?” The second lawyer asked, clearly bewildered.

The sandy haired man, Slatter, looked amused by his opponent’s outburst. He looked down at his drink and idly ran his index finger around the rim of the glass.

“Maybe it’s because I like to win Derek. I’m sorry, but are you at ALL familiar with that? Winning?” He looked up from his drink and gave Derek a pitied look.

“Oh well, never mind I’m sure you can image how a thing like “winning” would make any client, or judge, since most my clients are judges, turn their heads the other way when I’m erroneously accused of crossing legal ethical bounds. Actually I’m quite offended you suggested I would resort to such tactics.” Slatter tilted his head and gave Derek a curious stare.

“If you’d like, I can be more than offended; I could be hurt, devastated, even humiliated. Whatever it would take to make you accept this generous offer.” He baited.

Shane turned her head and smile. Slatter was clearly playing with opposing counsel.

Derek huffed. “You have no scruples, do you? How could you defend that man anyway, he hates you! If I recall correctly, last year he was calling for your disbarment. Yet here you stand representing him.” Derek retorted angrily.

“Speaking as an enormously unlikable person, I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who hate me, don’t you? Besides, his money is a good as those who supposedly like me. And speaking of money, did I mention that this is a very generous offer? It seems to me that a long drawn out trial would be a terrible strain on your client. I mean just think of the media coverage. Pictures of her and those “boys of questionable ages” splashed all over the news might be upsetting. Then again, it might not be so bad. She’s very photogenic.“ Slatter donned a sinister smile. His meaning was not lost on Derek.

Shane marveled at Slatter’s relentless verbal onslaught. He was extremely intelligent, witty and cunning. She instinctively knew Derek was no match for this shark.

Slatter raised his drink to his lips and looked up. His eyes met Shane’s. She knew she should look away, but she couldn’t. He had the most amazing slate blue eyes. Mischievous eyes that were currently twinkling at her. He tossed her a knowing smile before turning his attention back to the business at hand.

“You’re bluffing.” Derek challenged.

Shane watched Slatter’s face. She saw the intensity in his eyes; he was mapping his next move. He looked up at her again. She smiled and winked at him. He nodded, a gleam shone in his eyes.

“Am I? Well Derek, lets ask my friend over there.” He said and motioned over towards Shane.

Shane froze. Derek turned around and looked at Shane. His face went white. Shane had to hold in her laugh. She knew Slatter’s game. He got lucky just now. Shane looked like a young boy of questionable age. Slatter was going to use her as bait to get Derek to take his offer.

Shane was feeling generous. She lifted her glass and saluted the unsuspecting lawyer.

He turned around quickly.

“Deal.” He said and gathered his coat and briefcase up.

“Fuck the rumors. It’s all true I see.” He looked back at Shane one more time and hesitated.

“That kid looks like a pro. I wonder… Did you hire him just to make me believe you had pictures?” He said, catching on to Slatters’ game.

“What does it matter?” Slatter returned shrewdly.

“Maybe I did. Or maybe he IS one of your client’s boys. But either way, your client is screwed.” Slatter said holding the man’s stare.

“How do you figure?” Derek asked.

“If he is one of your client’s boys, then I have those pictures. If I hired the boy, then that should tell you how far I’m willing to go to win this one. Like I said, either way, your client is screwed. Take the offer Derek. Do us both a favor, it’s Sunday evening, and I’ve a long week ahead of me. I’d rather be tearing a new asshole into some other lawyer. I actually like you Derek. You’re a dying breed. A lawyer with some morals left.” Slatter said mockingly.

“I’ll bring it to my client.” Derek said. He put his coat on and gave Slatter a scathing look.

“This didn’t have to get ugly you know.” He said quite seriously.

Slatters face went blank. He picked up his drink and downed it. “I’m a lawyer Derek. A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.” Slatter said.

Derek shook his head and left.

Both Shane and Slatter watched him leave. Slatter got up and walked over to Shane.

“Mind if I join you?” He asked sitting down on the stool next to her, not waiting for her answer.

“Are you going to charge me by the hour?” Shane asked.

Slatter laughed. “Lucky for you I work on contingency.” He said.

“Too bad, cause I charge by the hour and the clock started running the moment you sat down.” She smiled and raised her glass to him.

He smiled back. “Ah, so you are a pro.” He said with a twinkle in his eyes.

God those eyes were amazing Shane thought.

Slatter leaned over and whispered to Shane. “You know, we’re both in the same line of work.”

Shane tilted her head. “Yeah, how do you figure?” She asked.

“We both fuck people for money.” He said and called the bartender over

Shane laughed.

“What are you drinking?” Slatter asked.

“Scotch.” She answered.

Slatter ordered two scotches. “So tell me, what’s a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?” He asked playfully.

 

“Looking for true love. You?” Shane retorted.

“You mean besides applying my unscrupulous legal tactic’s on that poor defenseless lawyer by using you as inducement to achieve my goal?” He said

“Which I haven’t charged you for, yet, but yeah, besides that.” Shane said, enjoying their banter.

Slatter shrugged his shoulders. “It’s as good a place as any I suppose. I’ve got nowhere better to be.”

Shane heard something very sad in his voice. A sadness she was all too familiar with. She drank her scotch in silence.

“I’m sorry, where are my manners?” Slatter said interrupting the silence.

“Adam Slatter.” He offered his hand to Shane.

“Shane.” She said taking his hand.

Adam held on to her hand, he caressed the back of it with his thumb.

“Soft.” He murmured to himself.

Shane pulled her hand away. His touch was warm, comforting and all too inviting.

Adam smiled at her revealing even white teeth.

“Shane? Just Shane?” He asked.

“Yeah, just Shane.” She said.

“Ok, Just Shane. Tell me, have you eaten yet?” He asked.

Shane looked at him as if he lost his mind. Here she was, out looking to get laid, and paid according to what she told him, and he was asking her out to dinner?

“Hey, it’s your dime. You sure you want to waste your time? I mean, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a sure thing. You don’t need to buy me dinner.” She said conspiratorially.

Adam chuckled. “I don’t want to fuck you Shane. No offense. You’re extremely attractive. But I’m not gay. However I could use some company. Some honest company.” He amended.

“Honest?” Shane laughed. “Now that’s rich. If you’re looking for honesty, you’ve got the wrong gir..guy.” Shane almost slipped. Fuck!

Adam gave her a sly look.

“I beg to differ. Between my personal life and my line of work, I’d say you’re just about the most honest person I know.” He said.

“Now come on, get your skinny ass up and let’s go get some tacos. I’m in the mood for Mexican.” He said and pulled Shane from the stool.

Shane laughed, enthralled by this man. “I’ve got a great Spanish accent.” She said as she let him pull her from the stool.

“I bet. Hey, if it gets us a decent taco, I’ll pay extra.” He said and led her out of the Hotel.

They waited in the cold while the valet brought his Mercedes around. He opened the door for Shane.

“A gentlemen huh? I don’t know about that. Might cost you extra. Not use to gentlemen.” Shane teased.

“Get in the fucking car Shane.” Adam said and winked at her.

“Better?” He asked.

Shane smiled. “Much. More my style.” She got in the car.

Adam closed the door and walked around to the driver side. He tipped the valet and got in.

“If I put my Andrea Bocelli CD in will that cost me extra?” Adam said as he sped away from the hotel.

Shane made a face like she just tasted something bad.

“Oh, man I hope you’re loaded ‘cause that will cost you BIG time!” She said.

Adam laughed. “What the fuck. I just made a fortune off of that deal. I feel like splurging.” He put the CD in.

The first song on the CD was Ava Maria. Shane groaned loudly.

“Hey, I’m not into torture! I rather you just fuck me.” She said. Shane hated classical music.

“Hey, my dime right?” He said smiling.

“What if I pay YOU to turn it off?” Shane teased.

Adam took pity on her and switch to the radio. Randy Crawford’s voice flooded the car.

“I play the streetlife, because there’s no place I can go  
Streetlife it’s the only life I know  
Streetlife and there’s a thousand parts to play  
Streetlife until you play your life away

You let the people see, just who you wanna be  
And every night you shine, just like a super star  
That’s how the life is played a ten cent masquerade  
You dress, you walk, you talk  
You’re who you think you are

Streetlife you can run away from tide  
Streetlife for a nickel or a dime  
Streetlife but you better not get old  
Streetlife or you’re gonna feel the cold”

 

Shane sank deep into the soft leather seat of the car as the music washed over her. Street life. Her life. The song permeated Shane’s brain. The lyrics summed up her whole existence perfectly. Her life was painfully being bared with each verse. She suddenly grew morose. She turned her head and looked out the window of the expensive car.

What the fuck was she doing? She was a girl, pretending to be a gay boy who just picked up a straight trick; which would have worked out fine if she were pretending to be the straight girl she really was. Can a person be more fucked up? God what a mess! A tear rolled down her cheek.

Adam watched from the driver side as Shane’s mood changed. He wondered how such a young, beautiful boy came to such a life. He contemplated his own life and how it wasn’t that much different from the boys.

He was pushing forty and still masquerading through life. He had sold his soul years ago for a life of wealth and prosperity. He attained the wealth and prosperity. He had forgone the life.

He lost his first wife through his callous nature and unyielding obsession with work. All his other relationships since were either business or personal arrangements. His whole life was a series of deals, contracts and negotiations. He couldn’t remember the last time he actually felt genuine joy.

He reached over and captured the tear that ran down Shane’s face with his finger. She didn’t flinch.

“Come on fancy face, no crying.” He said softly.

Shane turned her head and smiled weakly at him. “I think this is a mistake. Let me out here.” She said.

“At least let me take you back to the hotel.” Slatter said. Sorry to be parting company with the boy so soon. For some reason, he found his company enjoyable.

Shane shrugged. “Whatever.” She said.

Slatter pulled the car over and turned to look at Shane.

“Hey, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m great at making deals.” He said and winked at her. Shane smiled.

“I have a deal for you. You pretend that you actually give a shit, and I’ll pretend that I actually care. We’ll go eat some spicy Mexican food. Then I’ll take you to this Salsa club I know uptown. We’ll eat, drink and dance till we fucking pass out. I’ll take you home, or wherever you want afterwards, and tomorrow, we can each go back to our fucked up lives. But tonight, well tonight we’ll both do what we do best. Pretend. Only tonight, we’ll be pretending for our own benefit, and not for someone else’s.” Slatter paused, waiting for Shane’s answer. He couldn’t believe he was actually anxious about what he would say. He really wanted the boy to say yes.

“Deal?” He asked

Shane put her tongue in her cheek and stared at him. A habit she picked up from Brian.

“Deal.” She said.

“But won’t you feel funny dancing with a boy?” She asked.

Adam smiled widely. “Not if you’re a good dancer.” He said.

Shane laughed. “I’ll have you know that my dancing skills are only surpassed by my cock sucking skills.” She said teasingly.

Adam laughed heartily and put the car back into drive.

“Yeah, well considering how many times I’ve been called a cock sucker, I would argue that makes ME the expert.” He teased.

Shane laughed. He was very witty. She enjoyed bantering with him.

“Look at that! Something in common. Who’d have guessed?” She said.

Adam winked at her. “I would have.” He said and turned the car towards the restaurant.

 

*************************************************************************

 

“Why is he baking?” Rena asked Brian.

Brian shrugged. “He’s trying to make up for upsetting you last night.” He said.

Rena sighed. “He doesn’t have to make up for anything! I told him that. We were both upset, and it was YOUR fault anyway.” Rena complained.

Brian made a face at her and turned the channel on the TV with the remote.

 

Justin and he arrived at Rena’s several hours ago. They had spent the whole morning at the loft just indulging in each other. They slept in late, and leisurely fucked when they woke. They showered and Brian gave Justin a long deep massage to work out the kinks from the previous nights activities. Justin’s arms and back were sore. Brian felt guilty that he was still a bit tender today, but it was to be expected. Justin’s body wasn’t use to that kind of exertion.

He tended to Justin’s sore body with extreme care. Rubbing soothing oil all over him. His blond took advantage of course and kept finding new places that needed ‘tending’ throughout the massage. Justin insisted that his sore muscles felt so much better when Brian kissed them. Brian was only too happy to oblige. The massage turned sexual and Brian wound up getting oil all over himself and his expensive silk sheets. The designer sheets were ruined. For once, Brian didn’t mind.

Afterwards, Brian went down to the diner and bought them take out pancakes for breakfast. Brian was NOT about to cook. Deb gave him a suspicious look when he ordered the take out. She wanted to know where her Sunshine was. Brian informed her that “he was back at the loft waiting to get fucked.” That earned him a slap and a glare.

He brought the pancakes home and they ate in silence. The day was perfect, they were enjoying just “being” with each other and Brian was content to spend the entirety of it at the loft. But Justin was anxious to go to Rena’s to apologize to her for snapping at her last night. Brian assured him he didn’t have to, but Justin was adamant. Brian would have preferred spending the whole day just lounging around the loft, having Justin all to himself. Last night was amazing, and Brian was feeling ridiculous romantic today. A condition he’d rather share in private with Justin.

When they got to Rena’s, she insisted they stay for dinner. James made lamb stew. Justin insisted on making desert. Needless to say, Brian was not happy. He chose to sulk in front of the TV.

“God you’ve got the attention span of a two year old. I was watching that!” Rena said and grabbed the remote away from him.

“Well find a decent movie or something. What the fuck is it with Sunday’s anyway? There’s a fucking religious show on every other station.” Brian complained.

“We can always watch Lifetime. I hear you fags love that shit.” Rena teased.

Brian glared at her. “Do I fucking look like Emmett?” He said in mock outrage.

Rena laughed.

“Emmett does not watch Lifetime.” James perked up at the name of his lover.

He was coming out of the kitchen where he was helping Justin make Chocolate Crème Brulee. James, like Justin, enjoyed cooking. The Crème Brulee recipe was handed down from Justin’s grandmother. James couldn’t wait to taste it.

“I need a torch.” Justin yelled from the kitchen

Brian flinched. “Don’t give it to him. I have reason to believe he might use it on me.” Brian said.

“I wouldn’t blame him the way you’ve been acting tonight. What’s your fucking problem anyway?” Rena asked.

“I have one you can use.” James said answering Justin.

Brian groaned. “Why does that not surprise me?”

Rena laughed. “There is nothing about James that surprises me anymore.” She said.

“Where’s Emmett tonight anyway?” Brian asked getting up to stretch.

“Working. Some big shot TV producer hired him to plan their wedding. The fiancé is thrilled with Emmett’s theme choice.” Rena informed him.

“The pimp look must be in this season.” Brian said.

James came back with the torch. “Emmett has excellent taste.” He said.

Brian laughed. “Well that proves that theory. Love is blind.” Brian said.

“And speaking of blind, what the fuck are you doing with John?” Brian looked pointedly at Rena.

“What? You want details?” She asked saucily.

“Where not in college anymore Rena. I don’t need to hear the details of your sex life. Well, not unless you’ve picked up some new tricks I haven’t heard about.” Brian smirked.

Rena threw the couch pillow at him. “As if I could teach you anything. Big fucking whore you are.” She countered.

“Ouch!” Brian laughed.

“Justin where are you! Rena just called your partner a whore, you going to let her get away with that?” Brian yelled between bouts of laughter.

“Rena Brian is not a whore.” Justin said as he walked into the living room.

“He’s just monogamously challenged.” Justin smiled brightly at Brian and put the tray he was carrying that held the Brulee and some spoons down on the coffee table.

“Dessert is served.” He announced.

Brian reached for him and pulled him in for a deep, long kiss.

“What do you say we go home and have desert in bed?” he whispered to Justin.

“I heard that.” Rena said and reached for a spoon to dig into the Brulee.

Brian sighed. “See, this is why I didn’t want to come here. She’s too fucking nosey.” Brian whined.

“Ha! I’m not the one asking details about your sex life!” Rena quipped.

“I’m not asking for details about your sex life sis, I want to know what the fuck are you doing with John? He’s serious about you. Does he know you’re not serious about him?” Brian asked.

Rena looked up at him, her cheeks puffed out from a mouth full of Brulee.

“What makes you think I’m not serious?’ She asked

“Because every time I see you two you’re acting like honeymooners. And you my dear sweet sister, are not the honeymoon type.” Brian accused.

Rena glared at him. “Really? And what TYPE am I?” She asked dangerously.

“The type that fucks them and leaves them when they start getting too serious. The type that selfishly takes from her lovers and gives nothing in return emotionally. That type. The type that makes a guy fall in love with her then dumps them with some lame excuse to get out of it. That type. Should I go on?” Brian said cruelly.

“Brian!” Justin gasped his name.

“THIS, coming from you is beyond ridiculous!” Rena laughed bitterly.

“YOU are the expert at avoiding attachments Bean. Justin is the only guy you’ve fucked more than once, and you have the nerve to criticize ME?” Rena’s temper was boiling.

“I’m not criticizing you Rena. I would never do that. But I am being honest with you. You use men. I don’t know if it’s because you are afraid all men have the capability to be like Emilian, or if it’s something else. But you do use them, and I believe it’s out of fear.” Brian said.

Rena’s mouth dropped open. She didn’t know how to respond to that. She looked at Justin.

“Justin, do me a favor, throw him out. I can’t.” She said frustrated.

Brian sighed. “Great, why is it everyone wants to throw me out these days?” Brian turned to Justin

“Is it me?” He asked incredulously.

Justin glared at him.

“Brian you have no right saying that to Rena. True or not, it’s hurtful; you need to apologize to her.” Justin fumed.

“Sorry Sunshine, I don’t do apologies. Besides, she knows it’s the truth.” He said then turned to Rena.

“Rena, NO one loves you more than me, you know this. And it’s because I love you I am telling you that you have to stop this madness. You’re scared to death of letting anyone get close, and you’re hurting other people in the process. What happened with Sean should have been a wake up call. Are you going to let the same thing happen with John? When it gets too serious, will you push him away too? ”

He sat down besides Rena and took her in his arms. She struggled at first but then she let him hold her.

“Re, personally I could give a fuck what you do to John or any other man. That’s your business. But I DO care how it’s going to affect you, because I do believe you actually like John. A lot. That’s why I’m asking you to really think about where this is going with him. Be honest with him Re. We agreed, remember? No more lies. Nothing can hurt us anymore. Only we can hurt ourselves.” Brian said.

Rena sighed and pushed away from Brian.

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on with John. I know I like being with him, but I can’t think past that. I’m not ready to.” She said honestly.

“Then tell him that.” Brian said.

Rena slumped back on the couch, a deep sigh escaped her.

“Promise me you’ll at least think about what I said, ok?” Brian asked Rena.

Rena rolled her eyes. “Fine. I’ll think about it.” She sat up and picked up her spoon and dug into the Brulee.

“Fucking control freak.” She muttered between mouthfuls of the creamy desert.

“I’m sorry, did you say something worm?” Brian grabbed a spoon and dug into the desert, playfully pushing Rena aside.

Rena put her spoon down. “The doctor called.” She said.

Brian stiffened. “What did he say?” He asked, spoon suspended in his hand.

“He wants me to come into the office tomorrow to discuss the results.” Rena said.

“Call Cynthia and tell her what time the appointment is. I’ll clear my schedule.” Brian said then went back to eating the Brulee. It was very good.

“Why Cynthia? I’ll just tell Shane.” Rena said.

“No, tell Cynthia. Shane has enough to deal with. I have her managing the art department. The staff is still having a hard time working with Claude, and until I replace him, Shane’s the only one who can keep order down there. I think Claude is afraid of her.” Brian said.

“Brian I can go work a few days a week in the art department. I’ve worked with your staff before, I’m sure I can handle Claude. This way it can free Shane up to do her job. I know it’s been very stressful for her. She told me she’s trying real hard to learn all she needs to know about Kinnetik and all your clients so she can better assist you plus keep order in the art department. She’d never tell you, but you’ve got her stretched pretty thin.” Justin said.

Rena smiled at Justin. “I’m glad she has you to talk to Justin. It’s not just work either. I know that she’s having a hard time adjusting to being a girl. She is trying so hard.” Rena said then turned to Brian.

“I can manage your art department Bean. For God sakes I’m a therapist! I’m sure I can create some working harmony down there.” Rena offered.

“I appreciate the offer, from both of you, but I’ll handle it. I’m interviewing another Art Director this week. Shane can hold out another few days.” Brian said.

He knew Shane was having a hard time, but he wasn’t going to let up on her. She didn’t need coddling; she needed to know that Brian believed she could handle it. That he had confidence in her. God knows her confidence level had been slipping lately. Brian saw it. She was itching to go back to her boyish ways. Brian wasn’t about to let that happened, at least not in his presence.

He liked Shane. The little shit got under his skin. She’d been so confused for so long, it was going to take some time. Brian knew about her little excursions. She was probably out on one tonight. He didn’t say anything. Change was never easy, as he well knew, and sometimes you slipped back a bit. But he had confidence she would eventually accept change and become the person she was destined to be. And not what she thinks she should be.

 

The phone rang. James got up to get it

“Domina, Viv is on the phone.” James handed the phone to Rena.

“Viv! Jesus that was fast! I just spoke to you yesterday.” Rena said into the receiver.

She paused, listening to what Viv was saying on the other end.

“Actually, tell him yourself, he’s right here. Hold on.” Rena handed Brian the phone.

He gave her a questioning look.

“I called Viv yesterday and told her about you needing a lawyer to get your rights to Gus back. She said she has some information.” Rena said.

“This soon? It’s the weekend.” Brian said.

“When Viv calls, they jump. She has several lawyers on retainer you know.” Rena smiled.

That was Viv, her multiple marriages kept many lawyers gainfully employed.

Brian took the phone. “Hello Viv how’s the new husband. Does he fit?” Rena told him she had just recently got married again. Marriage was Viv’s hobby.

“Brian, so nice of you to pretend to care! You actually sound sincere too. Nice touch.” Viv said mockingly.

“Comes from years of practice dealing with you “Aunty Viv”.” Brian drawled out sarcastically.

“And Peck’s bad boy rears his ugly head.” She sighed into the phone.

This was how they usually communicated. Beneath the snipping though, there was affection. Justin observed the two of them enough to know they each had an appreciative respect for the other.

“What do you have Viv?” Brian asked, ending their banter.

“Well, Marc, who just happens to be the best civil rights lawyer in all the country, gave me a list of names of lawyers in your area that he would recommend to represent you. His advice is to NOT get some outside high-powered lawyer. He’s familiar with the courts in Pittsburgh. They are uncomfortable with gay custody battles to begin with, and have been known to take exception when big guns are hired to come into their courtrooms. And they tend to favor the women.” Viv said.

 

“Thanks Viv. I’ll look at the names. Fax them to my office.” Brian said.

“Already done Peck.” Viv’s voice was full of mirth.

Brian sighed.

“There was one lawyer in particular that he suggested you call. He had worked with him on a few cases. According to Marc, the man is brilliant, though a bit unconventional. “He never loses, he’s a God damned miracle worker when it comes to winning un-winnable cases.” Those were Marc’s words.” Viv said.

“What’s his name?” Brian asked.

Viv gave Brian the name; he grabbed a napkin from the table and motioned to Justin to get him a pen. Justin got a pen for him and Brian scribbled the name down on the napkin.

“Thanks Viv. I’ll check him out.” Brian said then handed the phone to Rena, without saying goodbye. He folded the napkin and put it in his pocket.

Rena gave him a scanting look. She took the phone.

“So Viv, you are coming for Thanksgiving, right?” Rena asked.

Thanksgiving was just two weeks away and she was planning a big dinner. This would be the first Thanksgiving “ever” where she would have ALL of her family with her. Viv, Brian, James, Justin, and Shane. She was very excited.

“I’ll be there sweetie, don’t worry. I’m bringing my new husband too. I know you’ll just love him!” Viv said.

“Don’t I love them all?” Rena teased.

Viv laughed. “Yes, you do. Gotta run baby. See you soon.” Viv blew kisses into the phone and hung up.

Rena hung the phone up and looked at Brian. “So, now what?” Rena asked.

“Now I check out this lawyer.” Brian said.

“With any luck, Lindsey and Mel will be reasonable. I don’t want this to become ugly. I’m sure we can work out an arrangement. I just want my rights back. I am his father; I never want him to forget that. And I want a say in his life. It’s not like I’m asking them to give him up. They are his parents, I know that. But so am I.” Brian said flatly.

He hated having to do this. It was his fault this was happening to begin with. Justin was right. He should have never signed his rights away.

Justin got up and went to sit by Brian. “It will be fine Bri.” He said.

Brian looked at him and smiled. “Yeah.”

Justin put his arms around Brian’s neck and hugged him. Brian leaned into him and closed his eyes. God this was going to be tough.

“You know, we can take the rest of the Brulee home and you can feed it to me in bed.” Justin whispered into Brian’s ear.

“You’re not taking it all, it’s too fucking good!” Rena said.

Brian groaned. “See, I told you she’s too fucking nosey. Got hearing like the fucking bionic woman!”

Justin laughed. “Don’t worry Re, there’s more in the kitchen. I left some for Shane.” He said and picked up the remains of the Brulee to wrap it to take back to the loft.

Rena nearly fell off the couch reaching for the retreating Brulee’.

Brian laughed and got up to leave. “Take the Brulee, but leave the torch!” He called to Justin’s retreating form.

Justin laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ve much more effective means of torture.” He called back.

Brian moaned. Fucking kid was going to drive him crazy. Hell, he was half way there already.

“Ok sis, time to go.” He said.

“Tomorrow. Call Cynthia. Don’t forget.” Brian instructed Rena as if she was a child.

Rena stuck her tongue out at him.

Brian stuck his tongue back out at her then went to get his and Justin’s coat.

Rena laughed.

Justin came back into the room carrying the left over Brulee. He hugged Rena goodbye.

“I haven’t forgotten Rena. I still want you to hypnotize me.” He whispered in her ear.

Rena pulled back from him. “This week, I promise.” She said.

“You’re really sure about this?” She asked.

“More than ever.” Justin said.

He and Brian were getting so much closer in some ways, yet in other ways they still were very distant. His memory loss was a big obstacle in their relationship. Justin was determined to do what ever it took to work out their feelings about the bashing. And if there were even the slightest possibility that he could remember that night, and the dance… well, he had to try.

Brian came back with their coats. Rena walked them to the door.

Rena hugged her brother. “Don’t worry Bean, Viv wouldn’t steer you wrong. I’m sure this lawyer will take care of everything.” She said.

“We’ll see. I’ll call him tomorrow. See what he has to say.” Brian said.

“What’s his name anyway?” Justin asked.

Brian pulled the napkin out of his pocket and read the name out loud.

“Adam Slatter.”


	36. Lies and Other Misdemeanors

"Lie to me and tell me everything is all right  
Lie to me and tell me that you'll stay here tonight  
Tell me that you'll never leave  
Oh, and I'll just try to make believe  
That everything, everything your telling me is true  
Come on baby won't you just

Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me"

~ “Lie to me.” Johnny Lang

 

Brian entered the loft and threw his brief case across the wooden floors. He slammed the door behind him.

“Mother fucker!” He yelled at no one in particular. He took his coat off and flung it in the same direction as his brief case.

“Fucking Cunts!” His practically screamed. He went into the kitchen, grabbed his bottle of beam and headed for the bedroom.

Justin watched the display from his computer. His heart hammered inside his chest. What the fuck happened?! He jumped up and followed Brian into the bedroom.

“What’s wrong!?” He asked, fear and anxiety heavy in his voice.

Brian whipped around and spat at him. “Fucking Lindsey! I can’t fucking believe she’s letting Mel get away with this shit! That fucking cunt Mel! She won’t let me see Gus anymore!” Brian choked out that last part.

Justin gasped. “No! I don’t believe it! Lins wouldn’t let that happen! Gus loves you! How many times has Lindsey brought him here because he was asking for you? Gus will be devastated if he’s not allowed to see his dada!” Justin was outraged.

“I’m going over there now.” Justin said and headed for the door. “They won’t get away with this! What are they going to do next? Stop me from seeing Gus? Fucking Cunts!” Justin was half way out the door before Brian could grab him and stop him.

“Whoa there tiger! You can’t go over there in a rage, not now. I just had it out with them. It will only make matters worse.” Brian said, his anger somewhat deflated. His heart swelled at Justin’s loyalty. Justin loved Gus as if he were his own. He was taking this just as hard as Brian was.

“We have to do something! Have you called that Lawyer?” Justin asked.

Brian sighed. “Yes, I called him. He got back to me today. He said he couldn’t take on another client right now. His caseload is too full. Then I get the phone call from Lins telling me I can’t see my son anymore. Great fucking day, huh?” Brian sneered.

Actually the whole fucking week had been a disaster. It started off with Rena’s test results. The good news was that everything was normal, physically. The bad news was that the seizures were most likely the result of a psychological disorder.

The doctor determined that Rena was experiencing a form of PTSS. Post traumatic stress syndrome. He equated her seizures to that of an intense panic attack. Most likely triggered by reminders of a past trauma. Brian’s chest tightened when he heard the diagnosis, though he really wasn’t surprised. On some level, he knew. She had buried the memory of seeing him give Andy that lethal injection. She was just thirteen at the time. She shouldn’t have been in the room, but she was. She was always too inquisitive. Fucking nosey bitch, look where it got her? All fucked up. Brian was unreasonably angry with her for being there, for witnessing his sin.

They never talked about it. Brian swore to Andy he would have no regrets. And he didn’t, not for what he did for Andy, but he did regret deeply how it had affected Rena.

They set an appointment up with a psychiatrist that Rena trusted. Brian told her he would go to the first session with her. It was the least he could do for her. Great. Just what he needed, some asshole digging around in his head. He reminded himself this was for Rena, not him.

Then today, Lindsey calls him. When she told him her and Mel’s decision Brian rushed right over to their house. They were waiting for him. Gus was at a neighbor’s house.

They had a huge fight. Actually he and Mel had the fight, Lins stayed uncharacteristically quiet. Her acquiesce was unmistakable though, she was supporting Mel’s decision. Things were said between them that would not easily be forgotten, or forgiven.

“She just stood there, and allowed Mel to tell me I would never see my son again.” Brian said in a dead calm voice.

Justin went and hugged him.

Brian laughed derisively and pushed him away. “It was going to happen sooner or later I suppose. See Sunshine, this is what happens when you let people in. They fuck you.” He said and turned around and went back into the bedroom.

Justin sighed. Fucking Lindsey! Brian was making such progress in trusting again and now this happens! This was going to set him back big time.

Lindsey and he had been friends, more than friends for years. He loved her. He agreed to father her child; he would have NEVER done that for anyone. Lindsey always had a way of getting Brian to do what ever she wanted. She was the only person Brian allowed to manipulate him. Justin didn’t understand why, until he found out about Rena. Justin now believed that in Brian’s mind, Lindsey was a substitute for Rena. Brian missed his sister so much, that when he met Lindsey, he transferred all his protective feelings he couldn’t give to Rena, onto Lindsey. He always took care of Lindsey. Be it financially or emotionally. The way he wished he could have taken care of his sister.

Lindsey’s’ silence must have tore through Brian like a knife. Brian could count on one hand how many people he trusted, and Lindsey was one of them. Justin wasn’t surprised at Lindsey silence. He suspected she felt like second fiddle now that Rena was back in Brian’s life. She had Brian all to herself for so long, she must be feeling left out. Brian had been spending less time with her, and spending most his time with Rena. Justin could understand her hurt, but he couldn’t condone her silence in this matter. It was just plain spiteful. He was definitely going to have a talk with her! But not tonight. Brian was right. He’d let things cool down first.

Justin walked into the bedroom to find Brian getting dressed. He sighed and folded his arms across his chest.

“And what is going out going to solve?” He asked.

Brian turned his head and stared at Justin. “Not a fucking thing. You’re point?” He gave Justin a blank stare.

Ok, this was bad. Brian was in self-destructive mode. He wasn’t just going out tricking, he was going out to fuck himself up. With booze, drugs and men that he would never go near if he were in his right mind.

“And I’m the impulsive one.” Justin retorted sarcastically.

Brian ignored him and grabbed his wallet.

“Don’t wait up.” He said as he grabbed his leather jacket out of the closet and headed out of the bedroom.

Justin didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t follow him that would just make things worse. He couldn’t call Rena; she would fly into a rage and probably go rip Lindsey a new one. Maybe he could call Emmett. At least Emmett could keep an eye on him, make sure he didn’t get into any serious trouble. Brian wouldn’t think anything of seeing Emmett out. They hung out at the same places.

“Brian!” Justin called out to his retreating form.

Brian stopped, his back to Justin.

“Promise me you’ll be careful.” Justin asked, emotion heavy in his voice.

Brian’s shoulders slumped a bit; he lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. He needed to get out of there. He was ready to explode.

“I’ll be fine.” He said then went and swung open the loft door.

 

“Fuck you scared the shit out of me!” Shane said jumping back.

“Who the fuck let you in?” Brian asked, surprised to see Shane. She didn’t buzz up.

“I snuck in when someone was leaving.” She looked at what Brian was wearing.

“Someone’s in for a hot night.” She said with a sly grin.

“Fuck you.” Brian snapped and walked past her, foregoing the elevator and taking the stairs instead.

“Geesh. What the fuck is his problem!” Shane said as she entered the loft, closing the door behind her.

“Just bad timing Shane.” Justin said and went to look out the living room window. He watched Brian get into the Vet and speed away. His heart raced. He needed to call Emmett.

“I’m sorry Shane, this is not a good time, I need to make a phone call. Is there something in particular you wanted or is this just a friendly visit?” He asked.

Shane saw the look on her friends face and got worried. “What the fuck is going on Justin?” She asked concerned.

Justin sighed. “Things are getting nasty with Mel and Brian. She’s refusing to let him see his son. And DON’T fucking tell Rena! Let Brian tell her. He had to stop me from going over there to ream them out; I can’t imagine anyone stopping Rena. And it would only make matters worse for Brian.” He said.

“You’re right. I won’t say a word. Fuck Justin! Why are they being assholes about this? It’s not like he’s asking for custody! How can they do that anyway? What does Brian’s Lawyer say?” She asked.

“Brian doesn’t have a Lawyer. Viv had recommended one, but he told Brian he was too busy. Brian was counting on him too; he’s supposedly the best according to Viv’s Lawyer. Now Brian will have to find another Lawyer.” Justin informed Shane.

“Well if Viv’s Lawyer recommended him, he must be the best. Maybe Viv’s Lawyer can call this Lawyer and he can make an exception for Brian.” Shane suggested.

Justin tilted his head and stared at Shane. “You know, that’s not such a bad idea. I’ll call Rena and ask her to call Viv. I know it would make Brian feel better if he could have this Lawyer.” Justin said.

Shane pulled out her cell. “I’ll call Rena. She’ll be happy to do it. What’s this Lawyer’s name anyway?” She asked as she flipped the phone open and pressed 1 for Rena’s cell. They each now had their own cell phones.

“Adam Slatter.” Justin said.

Shane dropped the phone, momentarily stunned.

No, it couldn’t be! Not her Adam Slatter! Her mind refused to acknowledge the possibility.

“Shane, what’s the matter?” Justin asked.

Shane looked up and tried to compose herself. “Um, nothing. I just remembered something I have to do. You call Rena. I have to run.” Shane said. She needed to think. This was just too weird a coincidence.

Shane picked her cell up from the floor and turned to leave. Her heel skidded on the slick wooden floor and she fell flat on her face. Fuck! She hated dressing like a woman. Fucking shoes were for shit. She was only wearing a small wedge heel but it felt like she was walking on stilts!

“Shane! Are you alright!” Justin ran over to help her up.

Shane got to her feet. “I’m fine! Fucking shoes. How do women do this shit?” She complained.

She should have gone home to change first. She came straight to the loft after work to talk to Justin. Ironically enough about one Mister Adam Slatter! Now that was out of the question.

“I really have to go Justin. Let me know how things turn out.” Shane said and grabbed him for a quick hug.

Justin watched as Shane flew out of the loft. What the fuck was that about? He shook his head. He couldn’t think about that now. He went over and picked up the kitchen phone and dialed.

“Hey Em, its me. I have a big favor to ask you.”

 

******************************************************************

 

Shane leaned her head on the steering wheel of her car. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Now what was she going to do?

She’d seen Adam three times now. Three unfucking believable nights! That first night was amazing. They had such a good time. They ate Mexican food, and laughed and she spoke Spanish to the waiter, which impressed him. Dinner was so much fun she didn’t want it to end. They talked. About nothing really, and about everything.

After dinner, he took her dancing, as he promised. Shane didn’t think he would do it. After all, Shane was a young boy as far as he was concerned. Yet there they were, dancing up a storm at this steamy Salsa club, getting more than one stare from some of the patrons, but neither gave a fuck. They got really drunk, and as he promised, he took her home afterwards. Well, back to the hotel actually. That’s where she had her car. He showed no interest in her sexually, but he did ask for her number. He said he never had such fun, and he’d like to hang out with “him” again.

Shane must have been drunk because she actually gave him her number! He walked her to the hotel lobby and gave her a hug. She wanted to kiss him so bad, but she held back.

He left her at the hotel. Shane watched him drive away and never felt so alone in her life. She doubted he would ever call her. When she got home and got undressed she found a thousand dollars in her coat pocket. She was shocked. She didn’t ask him for any money. He must have slipped it in her pocket when he hugged her. She smiled. He knew she wouldn’t have accepted it if he offered, and he probably thought she needed it. After all, as far as he knew, she was a young trick out on the streets just trying to make a living. The gesture was very touching.

Two days later, he called her. Shane’s heart skipped when she answered the phone. He asked her to go out again. Said this time they were eating Japanese, and then going to a movie. Seems he loved foreign films and there was an old Fellini picture playing in some run down theater downtown. She agreed. She wanted to see him again. She swore to herself that she would tell him she was a girl this time. But she never got the chance.

They went to this great Japanese restaurant, and ate Sushi. Shane never really liked Sushi, but Adam introduced her to some dishes that weren’t so bad. And she liked the Wasabi. Adam laughed at her each time she ate too much of it. She would turn red and gasp for air. They laughed a lot that night. They also drank a lot of Sake that night.

After dinner they sat in the balcony of the old theater and ate popcorn. They talked throughout the whole movie. She learned a lot about him. He told her about his first marriage and how he fucked that up. He joked that his current lover was more interested in his portfolio than his cock. She told him maybe if his cock were as big as his portfolio she’d be more interested. He feigned a hurt look and threw popcorn down her shirt.

Shane even told him some little truths about herself. It wasn’t hard really. He was easy to talk to. She told him about her mother selling her at six, and that she’d been tricking since she could remember. Which was true, and it fit into her character.

She didn’t mind telling him about those things because he didn’t pity her, or judge her. Actually, he treated her as an equal. His philosophy was life sucked, and if you made it through it in one piece, consider yourself a winner. What you did, or who you did was immaterial. It was all just a matter of survival. She tended to agree with him.

When it was time for them to part, she hugged him, this time she put the thousand dollars back in his pocket.

Last night he called her again. He joked that some little fairy had put money in his pocket with the stipulation that he had to spend it on something completely frivolous and unnecessary. He asked her if “he” could help him out disposing of his newfound wealth. She agreed, not wanting to piss off any fairies. After all, they were all personal friends of hers, she told him. He picked her up at the Hotel, it was their meeting point, and they drove four hours to Mohegan Sun casino. The best part of last night was the drive.

They left around 7pm. Shane had to rush home after work to get ready. Again, as she was bounding her breast, she swore to herself she would tell him she was a girl this time. Of course, that didn’t’ happen. The ride there was amazing. The hours sped by. They talked so easily with each other. They were getting to know every detail of each other’s lives, thoughts and feelings. It was so odd that he knew just about everything about her, except her gender.

They arrived around 11pm. They had a late dinner then hit the casino. Adam liked the crap table. It was exciting. They won a shit load of money. They didn’t leave the casino until 3 in the morning. He dropped her off at 7am at the hotel. Again, he hugged her good night. This morning she found five thousand dollars in her pocket.

She knew at this point it was just his way of giving them an excuse to keep seeing each other. She called into work and told Brian she was going to be a few hours late. He told her to take as much time as she needed. He knew she’d been going out a lot this week, and she suspected he knew, or rather believed, she was going out tricking. He didn’t say a word to her about it, but she was sure today he was going to speak to her about her little excursions.

But when she got to work Brian was in a mood. She kept out of his way. She had no idea of the shit he was going through.

 

She lifted her head from the steering wheel and stared at the road ahead. There was every possibility that Adam would become Brian’s Lawyer. If that happened, then Shane’s true identity would be revealed. She had to tell him before it came to that. Fuck! Truth was, she didn’t want to tell Adam. She was afraid he would hate her for deceiving him all this time. She had plenty of opportunities to tell him. God she was fucked! He had confided in her things she was sure he didn’t confide to anyone else, and all the time, he was being deceived. She never felt closer to anyone, and she knew he felt close and comfortable with her. How could she tell him their relationship was based on lies?

Shane put the car in drive and headed home. She needed to talk to Rena. Rena would know what to do. She pulled out into the street when her cell phone rang.

She held her breath when she saw the incoming number. She answered the phone.

“Hey there fancy face, guess what?” Adams voice came over the phone.

Shane couldn’t help but smile at the nickname he’d given her. He told her that “he” had the most beautiful face he’d ever seen on a boy, or a girl. So he started calling her fancy face. Shane liked it, especially when he said it when he was very drunk, and she could hear the hint of longing in his voice.

Guilt washed over her. She was confusing the shit out of him. She knew he was attracted to her, but his mind couldn’t wrap around it because he wasn’t gay. He was probably questioning his own sexuality. As if he didn’t have enough problems in his personal life. She couldn’t think about that now, it wouldn’t do any good anyway. Once the truth came out, he’d feel better about himself, but he would hate her. She wouldn’t blame him. She deserved it.

“You got a penile implant and now you have a ten inch cock?” She playfully guessed.

“Good guess! But don’t get excited. My portfolio is still bigger. And how do you know I don’t already have a ten inch cock?” He asked slyly.

Shane laughed. “Cause if you did, you wouldn’t be wasting your nights with me.” She quipped.

“Spending my nights with you is never a waste of time fancy face.” He said a tad too serious.

“But no, I’m calling because the unthinkable has happened.” He said in an exaggerated shocked voice.

“Uh oh. Don’t tell me, you lost a case!?” Shane asked in mock shock

Adam made a strangled sound. “I said unthinkable, not impossible!”

Shane laughed. “Ok, I give. What happened?”

“I miraculously found two tickets, just lying on the streets mind you, to Cirque Du Soliel. They are performing at the Bryce Jordan Center. The unthinkable part is that I can’t find a soul who wants to go with me. Can you imagine that? Is my company that unbearable?” He asked.

“Hey, be happy your girlfriend still fucks you.” She laughed.

“Yeah, but only when I show her my portfolio. And it seems I’m going to need a bigger portfolio if she’s going to continue fucking me.” He said.

Shane knew he wasn’t kidding either. Cathy, his girlfriend, and he had an “unspoken” arrangement. She went with him to all business functions, and on the occasional personal date. And she fucked him at least twice a month. He was a high power Lawyer and knew a lot of influential people. She liked the contacts she made through him. She was a real estate agent. She made a lot of money buying and selling homes through his connections. In return, she was his girlfriend, when he needed one.

“What happened? The housing market dry up?” Shane asked half teasingly.

“Something like that.” Adam said, and then quickly directed the conversation back to the matter at hand.

“So what do you say fancy face? Will you save me from the embarrassment of going alone? You know how I love the circus.” He said.

Shane smiled. During one of their conversations Adam spoke about his childhood. His mother had passed away when he was just seven. His nanny raised him.

One of his fondest memories of his mother was the time she took him to the circus. It was shortly before she died. He was totally in awe of the circus. He remembered every detail of that day. He could still recall the smell of straw under the big tent. After she died, no one ever took him again. Every time the circus came around he would beg his father to take him, but his father was always too busy. His father was a Judge and a workaholic. His Nanny couldn’t take him either because she was allergic to most animals. He never had a pet either. When he got older he made a point of always going to the circus when they were in town.

“Sure. Why not.” She said. “But you do realize there are no tents or elephants in Cirque Du Soliel.” She informed him.

“I know, but there will be acrobats, and painted clowns. It will do until the real circus comes back around.” Adam said.

“What time?” Shane asked.

She was desperate to see him again. It would most likely be the last time, and she was going to make the best of it. Whatever happened after that, at least she would have her memories.

Memories of Adam laughing,   
Of Adam dancing,   
Of Adam talking to her quietly in the car,   
Of Adam dumping popcorn down her shirt in the balcony of the old run down theater,   
Of Adam looking at her with desire when too intoxicated to hide his feelings. Memories of Adam.

“Actually fancy face, can you meet me at the hotel in an hour? The show starts at 9:00.” Adam said.

“I’ll be there.” Shane said.

They said their goodbyes and Shane rushed home to don her “Boy” outfit. She made it to the hotel in forty-five minutes. She parked her car in the back, where she always did. She came around out front to wait for Adam. She made sure to always be there before he was.

Adam arrived ten minutes later. Shane hopped in his Mercedes and reached over and turned the radio on to the rock and roll station.

Adam pulled the car out. “One of these days I’m going to teach you to appreciate classical music.” He laughed.

“And one of these days I’m going to fuck the queen of England.” She said teasingly.

They got to the Center just before 9. They parked the car and rushed to make it in on time. They came around to the front of the Center and were greeted by a ruckus of some kind. There was a crowd gathered in front of the building. It didn’t look like they were letting anyone in. A commotion stirred with in the crowd. Sirens could be heard in the distant. Then all of a sudden, a fight broke out.

Adam instinctively grabbed Shane’s hand and pulled her away from the scene. Things broke out in a riot very quickly. People were screaming, someone threw a trashcan at the building, and cars were being turned over. The violence escalated at that point. People were being trampled as they tried to flee the area.

“What the fuck happened?” Shane asked as Adam pulled her away from the panicked crowd and down a side street.

“I don’t know, but we need to get out of here, quick. It’s getting ugly real fast.” Adam turned the corner and ran down a back alley, dragging Shane with him.

They ran and ran until Adam felt they were far enough away. They found themselves down a dark narrow alley. Old, dusty buildings loomed in front and in back of them. They both leaned up against the old stones of one of the buildings and gasped for air. Small creatures skittered by their feet.

Adam looked over at Shane. She was breathing heavy. He looked into her eyes and desire hit him hard, and strong. He leaned over and brought his lips very close to hers.

Shane froze, meeting his stare. Her desire so strong, all reason left her body.

“I don’t care if you’re a boy.” Adam said right before he descended his mouth on to hers.

Shane moaned deeply and fell into him. She kissed him back fervently, and insistently, matching his desire.

Adam lost it. He had wanted to do this since he first met the beautiful boy. He stopped thinking about what it meant. He’d seen enough in his life to know that you didn’t turn away from this. It was too rare. Something inside him rebelled at the fact Shane was a boy, but another stronger part of him told him it didn’t matter. He was meant for him. This was going to be one fucked up relationship, but what about his life wasn’t fucked up? God her kiss was inflaming his desire.

Her kiss.

Her kiss….Adam’s eyes flew open. He felt it in HER kiss. Shane wasn’t a boy.

Shane felt his mood change instantly. She pulled away from him breathlessly and looked up into his eyes.

“I’m..not..a boy…” She said between gasps.

Adam smiled widely. “I still don’t care.” He said before he recaptured her mouth for another soul rending kiss.


	37. Mr. Goodbars

"Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer."

 

~Chuck Palahniuk

 

“This is the last place I can think of!” Emmett yelled above the hideously loud music of “Squirts”.

James frowned and looked around the dank club. This club was definitely a dive amongst dives. It was amazing it hadn’t been shut down. Drugs flowed freely and sex acts were being performed in the open. Several times he and Emmett were offered to participate in some drug induced sex act. James wanted to get Emmett out of there as quickly as possible.

If Brian wasn’t here, or any of the other places Emmett dragged him too all night, where was he? James was getting a bad feeling, and James always listened to his feelings.

“Something is wrong Emmett. Think. There must be some other place Brian would go to. We know he wouldn’t go home with anyone.” James yelled back into Emmett’s ear.

The music was ridiculously loud and giving him a headache.

“Honey, we’ve been to every gay club in Pittsburgh! We’ve been to the Baths, we checked out all the back alleys, sex mobiles and the pit stops. I can’t imagine where he could be! I know he has never before went home with a trick, but maybe he made an exception this time.” Emmett spoke into James ear.

James grabbed Emmett and guided him to the door. They had to get out of the club before they both went deaf.

Once outside Emmett shook his head trying to get the ringing in his ears to stop.

“How do they stand that!” He yelled, still deaf from the loud music.

James looked around. Emmett was right. They checked out every possible place Brian could be. No one had seen him. He hadn’t been to any of the clubs all night.

“Emmett, how long have you known Brian?” He asked.

Emmett put his hand on James shoulder. “Sweetie I’ve known Brian since the first day I moved to the Pitts. He was, shall we say, my welcome wagon.” Emmett grinned slyly.

James ignored the implication. “I mean do you know him well enough to know his habits? He has to be somewhere. Where does he go, what does he do when he’s deeply troubled?” James asked.

They had spoken to Justin several times during the night. He had suggested a few places, but each came up cold. Justin was frantic; he had no idea where Brian could be. And if Justin didn’t know, who would?

Emmett sighed. “I haven’t a clue baby.” He looked around dejectedly.

“Wait!” Emmett said, his face brightening. “Lets call Michael! He might know. He’s known him the longest out of all of us.”

James could have kissed Emmett. But they were in public, and that wouldn’t do. Instead he smiled at him and winked.

Emmett glowed. A smile and wink from James was like a full-blown make out session in public.

Emmett pulled out his cell phone and called Michael.

 

“Hello?” A groggy voice answered after about ten rings. Emmett was ready to give up.

“Hey Michael, I’m sorry for waking you up, but we got a problem here that I think you can help us with.” Emmett said.

“Em? Is that you? What the fuck time is it!” Michael asked agitated.

“Sweetie I don’t wear a watch you know that! Way too conventional. It’s late, lets just leave it at that.” Emmett said.

“What’s wrong?” Michael asked.

“The short version is, Mel told Brian that he can’t see his son anymore, Brian freaked and went out tricking, or whatever, and Justin called me to keep an eye on him. Problem is, James and I have been everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE honey, and no Brian. No one has even seen him all night. We thought maybe you knew where he could be.” Emmett summarized for Michael.

“FUCK FUCK FUCK.” Michael screamed into the phone.

Emmett pulled the phone away from his ear and winched. “I think he knows something.” He told James.

 

“Michael, what’s wrong?” Ben said coming out from the bedroom.

Michael put his hand over the receiver and looked at Ben, his eyes already tearing. “Brian’s missing, and I think I know where he is.” He told his partner.

Ben moved over to him quickly and held him. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“Mel told him that he couldn’t see his son anymore.” Michael said.

Ben made a shocked sound. “He can’t be taking that well.” He said.

Michael shook his head. “No, he’s freaking out. I know him. The last time he got this freaked was when a year went by and we didn’t hear anything from Rena. Brian was convinced something terrible happen to her. For days he was on a self-destructive binge. One night, I found him at this private club….”

Michael paused, his voice catching in his throat.

“Michael!” Emmett’s voice screamed into the phone.

Michael took his hand off the receiver. “Where are you Em? I’ll meet you. I know where he is.” Michael said.

Emmett gave him their location and Michael hung up the phone after telling him he’d be there in ½ hour.

“I have to go get him.” Michael said firmly.

Ben nodded.

“Lets get dressed. I’m going with you.” Ben said.

Michael smiled up at him. God how did he get so lucky?

Half an hour later they pulled up to Squirts in Ben’s car.

James and Emmett were waiting for them outside.

“What a revolting place.” Ben said looking at the establishment. The depravity inside had spilled out into the streets.

“I know, but Justin said when he was feeling particularly self destructive, he would come here.” Emmett said.

Michael sighed. “Justin is right. It’s one of his demon haunts, as I like to call them. I’m surprised Justin knows about it.” Michael mused.

“There is not much Justin doesn’t know about Brian.” James said. He knew the boy had more insight into Brian than anyone. Including Rena and Michael.

Michael just nodded. He turned to the men in front of him.

“He’s at “Mr. Goodbars.” He said.

Emmett screeched. Ben groaned loudly, and James looked confused.

“What is Mr. Goodbars?” James asked.

“It’s a private club. Members only, Brian became a member six years ago.” He told James.

James did the math, he knew that was the time Rena stopped communicating with Brian.

“He can’t be!” Emmett refused to believe it. “I can’t believe Brian would do such a thing!” He said.

“Em, you have to swear never to tell a soul!” Michael said.

“Will someone please tell me what this Mr. Goodbars is?” James asked.

Michael turned to him. “It’s a private men’s club where anything goes. Anything from gangbangs, rough sex, rape, S&amp;M, anything. Meth is the drug of choice. But you can find heroine, coke and most any drug there. To become a member you have to be initiated.” Michael paused.

Emmett put his hand to his mouth and cried. “Jesus, I knew Brian could be self destructive, but my God. I never imagined…” He said.

James shot him a warning look. He would not let anyone disparage Brian in his presence. James had more sins on his soul then Brian could ever acquire.

“Be careful before you judge Emmett. Men do desperate things when in desperate situations.” James scolded.

Emmett had the decency to look ashamed. “I’m not judging James! My heart goes out to him! He must be in terrible pain to be in a place like that!” Emmett said.

“He is. I know because the last time he was there, he was in the worse shape I’ve ever seen him in.” Michael said to Emmett, and then looked to James.

“I’ve only seen him that bad twice in my life. The first time was when he was 15 and they took Rena away. He ran off to New York. He spent almost a year there tricking and drugging before Uncle Vic brought him back. Vic said he was slowly killing himself. God he was a mess when he came home. He stayed with us for a few months recuperating. I never saw him so emaciated. He looked like a ghost. His eyes were sunken, and dark. No life or emotion where in them. It was a long time before he recovered.” Michael said.

“And the second time?” James asked, already knowing the answer.

“It was after a year past and we didn’t receive any letter from Rena. Brian got frantic. Every week that past with no word from her became unbearable for him. He convinced himself she was dead. He tried to track her down, but was unsuccessful. He lost hope. He started drinking and drugging heavier then I’ve ever seen him. I made sure to always be there, to make sure he got home safe. But then, one night he slipped out with out me knowing. I went looking all over for him. It was only by accident I found him. I was driving around and saw his car parked two blocks down from Mr. Goodbars. And I knew. I went to the club and begged the doorman to let me in. I fucking cried like a baby telling him my best friend was in there and I needed to get him out.” Michael was crying at this point, he turned to Ben.

Ben took him in his arms. “It’s ok, go on.” He encouraged him.

Michael sniffed. “I was so fucking scared! Scared for Brian, scared for my own life! I wouldn’t leave, I was determined, I thought the doorman was going to kick the shit out of me! But for some reason, he took pity on me and told me I could go in and find him, but at my own risk. And if I wasn’t out in 15 minutes, he was coming in after me. I went in and found him.” Michael said looking up at Ben.

All men were listening with rapt attention. Enthralled by the tale Michael was telling.

“Well don’t fucking stop now! What happened!” Emmett blurted out.

James looked over at him and sighed.

Michael turned back to them. “There were all these private rooms. The sounds of flesh being whipped, men being raped, moans, screams could be heard everywhere. It was fucking awful! I looked in each room, hoping I’d find Brian. I saw men being gangbanged, others whipped. My stomach turned. Finally I found Brian. He was in a room with two other men. God knows what he had done before I found him. He was just leaning against the wall, his pants up, but unzipped. The two other men were just lying on the floor, totally fucked up. Brian took one look at me and panicked. He grabbed me and yanked me out. All the while cursing me. Man was he pissed! Can you believe he was fucking reaming ME out for coming to save him!” Michael stammered.

“Yes, I can.” Ben said. “That’s one nasty place. Brian would rather die than see you hurt. Brian loves you.”

Michael smiled sadly. “Yeah, now only if he could love himself.”

“Anyway, we went home and I didn’t let him out of my sight again! Two weeks later we got word that Rena was ok. Brian got back to normal. We never talked about it again.” Michael ended his story.

“So, we go to this Mr. Goodbars.” James said and turned to Emmett.

“You go home.” He said.

Emmett huffed indignantly. “I will not! And don’t pull your macho bullshit on me! Brian is my friend! One of my BEST friends! I’m going to pull his sorry ass out of that Hell pit!! He needs to know we ALL care about him!” Emmett had that look in his eyes that told James, short of tying him up; he wasn’t going to be stopped.

James contemplated tying Emmett up for just a moment, before relenting.

“Ok, but I go in. You stay outside.” He said.

“You can’t go in James. Like I said, you have to be a member.” Michael said.

Ben flinched. James caught it.

“What does one do to become a member?” He asked.

“The owner fucks you..... Bareback.”

Emmett lowered his head. He and Ben both heard the rumors of the initiation of that club, but hearing Michael confirm it was unbearably harsh.

“You have to understand, Brian was truly trying to kill himself. I got so mad at him I told him it would be much quicker to just take a gun to his head. His answer was that was too quick and easy. He wanted to die a slow and painful death… Just like Andy.” Michael said, sick to his stomach at the memory.

All three men sucked their breath in. Ben and Emmett knew about Andy. Michael told Ben, Justin told Emmett. They didn’t know all the details, but they knew Andy was Brian’s brother who died from AIDS at a very young age. No one however knew, the depths of Brian’s pain over his loss.

“After that, he didn’t have sex for six months. And got check constantly. Till this day you know how he is about wearing condoms and getting checked. He’s a fanatic about it. He got very lucky.” Michael said.

“Yes, he did.” Ben said.

Michael looked at his partner and fresh tears filled his eyes.

“Oh Ben, I…” He started.

“Don’t.” Ben said and smiled at Michael. “I don’t question fate. Neither should you. Things happen for a reason. Right now we need to concentrate on getting Brian out of that place.”

All three men agreed.

“You don’t think Brian is bare-backing do you?” Emmett asked the question that was on everyone’s mind.

“No.” Michael said confidently. “That was just a one-time thing you had to do to become a member. Once a member, you chose whether you wore a condom or not. The men I saw in there for the most part were wearing them. Besides, Brian would never put Justin in danger like that.”

All three nodded in agreement. That was the one thing they all knew about Brian. He loved Justin too much to put him in danger.

 

Fifteen minutes later all four men were standing in front of Mr. Goodbars.

The doorman was a big burly fellow who was wearing a pistol on his hip. James turned to Ben and spoke in a very low voice so the doorman wouldn’t hear him.

“Go back to the car. Keep it running and don’t get out. When you see Brian and me come out, pull up as quickly as you can and open the doors so we can jump in. Understand?” James instructed.

Ben nodded. “You sure you don’t need help?” He asked, warily eyeing the doorman.

James shook his head. “Just do as I say.” He paused, looking at the three men in front of him.

“Forget what you see.” He said in a tone that broached no objections from any of them.

They nodded and went back to the car and waited, and watched.

James turned to the doorman who already had his hand on his pistol. He summed him up and approached him slowly, his hands up and in clear view so not to alarm the doorman.

“I’m just looking for a friend.” He said.

“Look somewhere else.” The burly man said in a heavy Scottish brogue.

“Sorry, can’t do that, he’s in there.” James said and nodded his head towards the clubs door, his hands still held up in front of him in a non-threatening manner.

The doorman growled. “I said, go look somewhere else.” He started to pull his gun out of his belt.

What happened next happened so quickly, none of the guys in the car were sure of what they saw. One minute, the doorman was reaching for his gun, the next; he was lying on the ground, unconscious. Or dead. Neither dared voiced their suspicions.

James disappeared into the building.

 

James entered the club and quickly scanned the rooms looking for Brian. He didn’t know how long that doorman would be out. He had to find Brian and get him out of there fast.

He looked in several rooms before he found him. The room was small and dark. Once James eyes adjusted he could see the walls were padded. He scanned the room for signs of danger. Two men were shooting up on the floor, naked and bruised. Brian had a man up against the padded wall and was fucking him, hard. He banged him over and over again against the padded wall. His eyes were glazed, his body was bruised. James took in the whole scene.

“Brian!” James shouted.

Nothing. No reaction. He carefully approached Brian. He didn’t want to spook him. Brian was in the “zone”. James had seen it before. When men got caught up in the fight, or battle they entered another realm of reality. Brian was in that realm.

Brian jerked, threw his head back and howled out his orgasm. The man beneath him slumped to the floor. Brian pushed him aside and slid down against the wall. He discarded his condom and reached for his pants. James watched him pull out something and pop it into his mouth.

James approached him.

“Brian, you must come. Justin is in danger.” James said, not liking the lie, but knowing the only way he was going to get Brian to cooperate without making a scene was to give him incentive to leave on his own. His eyes were so drugged induced, James hopped his words penetrated his brain.

Brian sprung to his feet. If it weren’t for the horrific condition Brian was in, James would have laughed. Brian could be in a coma and the mention of Justin being in any kind of danger would bring him right out of it.

Brian blinked, as if trying to figure out who was in front of him.

“Justin….no, where is he.” He slurred.

“Follow me, we have to be quick.” James said.

Brian pulled his pants on clumsily. James picked his shirt up from the floor and handed it to him. Brian slipped it on and followed James out of the room.

James walked quickly through the hallway, towards the door. He looked behind him and saw Brian was struggling to stand. He was pushing himself along the wall, using it for support. James went to him and grabbed him by his shirt and dragged him out of the building.

 

Ben saw James and Brian exit the club. He gunned the car and pulled up alongside of them, Michael opened the back door and James jumped in, dragging Brian with him. Ben sped away. He looked in the rear view mirror and saw the doorman struggling to get to his feet. He breathed a sigh of relief.

 

“Brian! Are you ok?” Michael asked.

Brian looked over at Michael. “Mikey, what the fuck are you doing here? I thought I told you NEVER to come here again!” He slurred, trying to sit up straight in the car.

“Fucking asshole!” Michael spat at him. He was so furious.

Brian laughed. “Seems to be the consensus.” He said then flopped back against the seat.

Ben turned down the street towards Brian’s loft.

“Justin is going to freak out when he sees him.” Emmett said.

“JUSTIN!” Brian jerked up and reached for the car door. If it weren’t for James’s quick reflex’s Brian would have jumped out of the moving car. He pulled him back in.

“Get the FUCK off of me, I have to get Justin!” Brian raged.

“Jesus, he’s out of his fucking mind! What is he on?” Emmett said.

“Brian, what did you take?” Michael yelled at him.

Brian stared at Michael as if he didn’t know who he was.

“Where’s Justin?” He asked

Michael looked at James questioningly.

James shrugged. “It was the only way I could get him to leave with me willingly. I told him Justin was in danger.” He informed Michael.

Emmett laughed.

“Justin is fine Brian. YOU, however, are going to be in a shit load of trouble when you get home. Wait till Justin sees you. Man you fucked up big time this time.” Michael said.

Brian groaned. All he heard was that Justin was fine. He closed his eyes and let the drugs take over…..

 

Ben, Michael and James carried Brian up to the loft. Emmett followed. Justin was waiting for them at the door. Emmett had called him and told him they found him and were bringing him home.

Justin gasped when he saw the condition Brian was in.

“Put him in the bedroom.” He instructed.

The guys guided a half conscious Brian into the bedroom and unceremoniously dropped him on the bed.

Justin was right behind them. He started undressing Brian.

“You ok by yourself?” Ben asked.

Justin looked behind him, slightly embarrassed. “I’m sorry. Thank you so much for finding him.” He told them, relief and gratitude clear in his eyes.

“I’ll take it from here.” He said.

Emmett went over and hugged Justin. “Don’t worry baby, he’ll be fine. You call me tomorrow, ok?” He said.

Justin nodded.

Michael walked over to the bed and leaned over and kissed Brian’s forehead. He smoothed his hair away gently. Tears glistening in his eyes.

“For God sakes, find peace Brian. Please. Can’t you see how much you’re loved?” He whispered to his friend.

Justin’s heart swelled. Brian was so fucking lucky and didn’t know it. He looked up at Michael.

“Thank you.” Justin whispered.

Michael hugged Justin and turned to leave.

“Justin, do you want me to stay?” James asked.

“No, please go. I need to be alone with him.” Justin said.

James nodded.

All four men said their goodnights and left. Justin stood over the bed and stared at his lover.

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

It was time Brian learned what he risked each time he did something like this. And Justin was determined to teach him a lesson he would not soon forget.


	38. Walking on Broken Glass

"Walking on, walking on broken glass..  
And if you're trying to cut me down  
You know that I might bleed 'Cause if you're trying to cut me down  
I know that you'll succeed And if you want to hurt me There's nothing left to fear  
Cause if you want to hurt me You're doing really well, my dear"

Annie Lennox – Walking on Broken Glass

 

Adam gripped Shane’s shoulders gently and ran his hands down her arms. When he reached her wrists, he circled them and pulled them up over her head and pressed up against her, his mouth never leaving hers.

Shane felt the dusty bricks of the old building dig into her back. She moaned deeply into Adam’s mouth. Her chest heaved; her breasts struggled to be free from their bonds. She tried to grasp a thought but couldn’t hold on to a single one. All she could do was feel.

She was engulfed by everything that was Adam. His body, his mouth, his hands, his scent, everything. She instinctively pushed her hips forward to press into his hardness.

Adam groaned and rotated his hips against her. They were lost in their passion, and neither cared. Somewhere in the back of Adam’s mind he remembered they were in a dark alleyway down some deserted street. It was dangerous, yet he didn’t care. He wanted Shane, now.

He released her wrists and ran his hands up under her shirt. He felt the material that were binding her breasts and made haste in unraveling it. Once freed, the soft weight of her breasts filled his hands. He massaged them, rubbing his thumbs over her nipples eliciting a response from them. His efforts were rewarded as he felt the nubs fill with blood and become engorged.

He lowered his head and took one into his mouth.

Shane gasped at the feel of his mouth ravishing her sensitive skin. Hot fire burned from her breast down to between her legs.

Gripping his hair tightly, she pressed his mouth tighter against her burning flesh. She lifted her legs and wrapped them around his waist. Her head rested against the dusty bricks as she mewled out her passion. She was wild and uninhibited and Adam was helpless to the effect it was having on him.

He was going to take her, right there in the alley. Adam reached between them and undid their pants. He lowered Shane’s legs and pulled her pants down so they were around her ankles; he then pulled out his pulsing cock.

He was ready to enter her when a nagging voice grew louder in his head. FUCK!

He reluctantly pulled his mouth away from her. His breath literally left his body.

“For God sakes please tell me you have a condom.” He gasped as he rubbed his cheek against her breast.

Shane barely registered what he was saying.

“Back pocket.” She croaked out in a lust filled voice.

Adam reached around and pulled the condom out of her pocket. He tore it open and put in on. He recaptured her mouth and lowered his hands to her center, making sure she was ready for him. She was hot and wet.

He entered her in one swift movement.

“Arghhhhhhhh!’ Shane screamed out. She didn’t expect the pain.

She had not had intercourse with a man since she was a kid. After her mother dumped her, she donned the “boy” disguise and only tricked for Gay men. She never had vaginal intercourse during that time; she was after all, supposedly a young gay boy.

She had stopped tricking all together when she met Rena. Since she’s only fucked other women and the occasional romp with gay men when she was feeling at odds with the world and slipped back into old familiar territory. She never thought she’d want another man inside her, like this.

Adam heard her pain and stilled his motion. He broke out in a sweat from the exertion of it.

He pulled back and looked into her face. He could see the pain in her eyes.

“Easy fancy face.” He tried to calm her. He was confused by her response.

Shane shook her head, embarrassed by her reaction.

“It’s ok, I’m sorry. It’s just I haven’t had sex with a straight man since I was a kid.” She said.

Adam knew about Shane’s background. He knew her mother sold ‘him’ for drugs when ‘he’ was just six. He also knew Shane had stopped tricking for money over six year ago, but still went out occasionally. What he didn’t’ know was that Shane was a girl. That little revelation just came to pass, and the implications of that were just hitting Adam.

“Fuck Shane I’m sorry. I had no idea. I thought…”

“Shut the fuck up and fuck me.” Shane said and pushed her hips forward taking more of him inside her.

She hissed, but the sound this time was a mixture of pain and pleasure.

Adam held her hips and guided her movements. He went very slow, making sure to keep her desire enflamed by using his mouth on her breast, neck and lips.

Shane’s body opened for him. Her pain quickly turned to pleasure and she rocked against him.

Adam still held her hips firmly, not wanting her to hurt herself in her excitement. He kept his strokes steady and controlled, until he felt her excitement build, and knew she needed more. Then his strokes became more frantic.

Shane felt something coil inside her, she never had an orgasm during intercourse before and the feeling was foreign to her. She tensed and clamped down on Adam. Her body went rigid as wave after wave of the most exquisite pleasure she ever felt ripped through her body.

Shane’s response sent Adam over the edge. He grabbed her ass and pulled her tight against him, pulsing his pleasure inside of her.

They were locked together, riding the waves of ecstasy. Spent and breathless, they laid against the brick building, each basking in the aftermath of their union.

 

Shane was drifting on a euphoric cloud. Her eyes were closed, her body still connected to Adam.

Adam slowly pulled out of Shane and discarded the condom. Shane felt the cold hit her body, but she couldn’t move. She never experienced anything like that in her life and she was not about to let one minute of it escape her.

She felt Adam pull her pants up and gently kiss her on the mouth. Shane slowly opened her eyes to see a smiling Adam staring down at her.

“You ok?” He asked.

“More than ok.” Shane’s eyes shone with the aftermath of her lust.

You mad?” She asked sheepishly.

“I’ve never been madder in my life.” Adam said with a roguish grin.

Shane tilted her head and narrowed her eyes, not sure of his meaning.

Adam laughed at her expression.

“I’m as mad as the mad hatter fancy face. I am absolutely fucking nuts about you.” He said and leaned in to kiss her.

When he pulled away he gave her a serious look.

“I have just one question for you.” He said.

Shane ran her tongue over her swollen lips. She didn’t want this moment to end. She was afraid of what he would ask her.

“What?” She asked.

“Who the fuck is going to wear the pants in this relationship?”

Shane laughed and hugged him.

They pulled themselves together and headed back to their car. There was much they had to talk about, so much they had to figure out. But there would be plenty of time for all that later. For now, each was content to let the moment ride…. For as long as they could. Fate however, had other plans for them. Plans that would challenge their relationship in ways neither would have ever imagined.

 

*************************************************************************

Brian sat behind his desk at Kinnetiks and dialed the phone for the third time that day. And for the third time, the answering machine picked up.

“Justin, I gave you the fucking cell so that you would use it. Stop ignoring me. Call me.” Brian said and hung up.

It had been three days since his “episode” as Justin called it. Brian had to admit he fucked up pretty bad. He got really sick that night and Justin spent it holding his head over the toilet. He didn’t go into the office on Monday; Justin however made his early morning class. He was only too happy to get as far away from Brian as possible.

Brian couldn’t blame him. He did however blame Mikey! Fucking Mikey! He had to tell them where to find him. And of course, Emmett told Justin. Justin was disgusted with him. Not that Justin would actually say that to him, oh no, his little Sunshine was too polite for that. And when Justin was polite, Brian got nervous.

He much rather have a screaming, tantrum throwing, spitting mad Justin then a ‘polite’ Justin. For the past three fucking days Justin went about his business as if nothing ever happened. He went to work and school then came home and worked on his computer. Every night he went out. He stopped cooking dinner. He ate either at Rena’s or Daphne’s. He left Brian to fend for himself.  
It was becoming painfully obvious that he did not want to be near Brian.

When he would finally come home it would be very late and he would just get into bed and turn away from Brian. At first Brian was happy to let him ignore him. He knew that eventually Justin would want to “talk” about the ‘episode’, and Brian hated those kinds of talks. Brian was glad for the reprieve. But it’s been three days now and it didn’t look like Justin wanted to talk, or fuck or have anything to do with him.

Brian was starting to get really worried, to the point where he called Justin today three times leaving messages on his cell that they needed to talk. How fucked up was that? Brian hated talking, yet right now, he’d give his left nut to talk to Justin about what happened. At least they would get it out in the open and get past it. Justin was either not willing or just didn’t want to deal with it.

 

“Brian, Robert wants to talk to you. He’s on the phone.” Shane buzzed Brian over the intercom interrupting his thoughts.

Brian pushed the button. “Robert is fucking deaf Shane, how am I going to talk to him on the phone?” He asked sarcastically.

“Duh, his interpreter! Jesus Bri where the fuck is your head today?” Shane rebuked.

Brian cursed. He’d been so wrapped up in what was going on between him and Justin he’d totally forgotten about Robert.

Robert Remington, John’s deaf brother was a Lawyer and just happened to be on the list Viv faxed over. Brian had checked him out and found out he was an excellent Lawyer with experience in child custody cases. He was Gay and he was John’s brother. He knew how close Brian and his brother was, not to mention the fact his brother was dating his sister. It was personal for him. He wasn’t treating this like just another case. Brian was very happy with the situation. He hired him yesterday.

Robert had a paralegal with him at all times that was also his interpreter. That little fact had escaped Brian just now.

“Busy thinking about a replacement for your sorry ass.” Brian shot back.

“Am I being fired again boss?” Shane teased.

Shane had been in an unusual good mood all week Brian noted. He knew from James she’d been going out every night with the same guy. She obviously wasn’t ready to tell anyone about this mystery man, but who ever he was, he was making her happy.

“I should fire your lazy ass. Have you checked out those references yet?” He asked.

He had narrowed his choices down to two candidates to fill Claude’s position. He fired him this morning. The man was truly intolerable, especially when Brian was in a particularly bad mood, and today Brian was in a very bad mood.

“I’m on it boss.” Shane answered.

“Get it done Shane, today.” He barked.

“Put Robert through.” He abruptly ordered.

Shane connected the call. She was happy Brian hired Robert. It seemed a perfect fit. She was going to ask Adam to be Brian’s Lawyer but was glad Brian chose Robert instead. It was almost like family representing him. And that left Adam all to herself. Shane smiled behind her desk. She and Adam were getting along so well. They still hadn’t had a chance to talk, but who needed to talk? Shane smiled to herself.

They spent their nights fucking like she’d never fucked before. It was amazing. Adam was amazing. Afterwards they were too exhausted to talk; they’d fall asleep and by the time they woke up each had to rush back home to go to work.

He would call her during the days just to tell her he missed her and couldn’t wait to see her that night. Which had been every night since she met him now. Almost two weeks! Shane never had a relationship that long.

The Empire Hotel became their little hideaway. They had the same room every night. It was kind of romantic. Shane shook her head. She must be nuts. Romantic? She never had romance. Part of her was afraid it was too good to be true, but a bigger part of her said fuck it. Adam was crazy about her and she was crazy about him.

Shane still dressed like a boy for the most part when they were together. Except for binding her breasts. She stopped doing that. Adam thought she looked hot in her sneakers, jeans and boy’s tee shirt and truth was, she was more comfortable in them. The only serious talk they had, had been about her scars. She had to tell him she use to be a cutter. But in typical Adam fashion, he didn’t flinch. He accepted her for who she was, warts and all.

Shane’s cell vibrated interrupting her thoughts. She changed it from her old ring tone to vibrate. She couldn’t listen to “Mustang Sally” without remembering Justin’s dinner party. The song no longer had an upbeat feel to it.

She pulled the cell from her desk drawer where she kept it. She saw the caller ID number and smiled.

“Hello counselor, what can I do you for?” Shane answered.

“Well let’s see, you can start by talking dirty to me, I’m bored.” Adam said.

Shane laughed. “Can’t do that. I’m at work.”

“Ah, your day job. I forgot.” Adam said. He knew Shane worked as a personal assistant, he just didn’t know the details.

“Well my night job doesn’t pay the bills, so I got to do something.” Shane retorted.

“If you’d stop giving me my money back, you wouldn’t need your day job, then we could fuck all day.” Adam reasoned.

“I don’t take money for charity.” Shane ribbed.

“Ouch!” Adam laughed.

“Poor baby, did that hurt?” Shane asked.

“Not as much as your ass is going to hurt when I see you again.” Adam threatened playfully.

Shane sighed. “Promises, promises.” She said.

“Listen fancy face, I can’t see you tonight. I’ve a late business meeting, I’m sorry, but it can’t be avoided.” He said.

Shane felt disappointed. “Don’t tell me, you’re fucking another “boy of questionable age.” She teased reminding him of the first time they met.

“I’ll have you know you’re the only “boy of questionable age” I fuck. All the rest are of consenting age.” Adam retorted

Shane laughed. They had such an easy way of bantering.

“Ok, you’re off the hook for tonight. I could use the sleep anyway. Besides, Rena’s complaining she doesn’t see me anymore.” She told Adam.

Adam knew she lived with Rena. Shane spoke very little about her family. All Adam knew was Rena saved her when she was 16 and she’d been living with her ever since.

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” Adam said.

The line on Shane’s consol lit up indicating an incoming call.

“I’ll hold you to that. Listen I gotta run babe, work beckons.” Shane said.

“Ok I’ll call you tomorrow. Until then, think about paddles.” Adam said.

“Oww!” Shane laughed. “Now there’s a parting thought.” Shane blew him a kiss over the cell then hung up.

 

“Kinnetik’s global advertising agency.” Shane greeted the caller.

“Hey Shane, it’s me. Put me through to Brian.” Justin said.

“Justin! Thank God. He’s been a fucking pain in the ass all day. He fired Claude this morning! Didn’t’ even let him finish out the day! Now we’re in a rush to find a replacement. What’s going on between you two anyway?” She asked.

Shane was too busy with her new boyfriend she didn’t know about the episode last Sunday.

“Same old shit Shane.” Justin sighed.

“Um, ok. Anything I can do?” She asked. She didn’t like the tone in Justin’s voice.

“No thanks, I’m handling it. Is he in?” He asked.

“Yeah, he’s on with Robert right now, you want to hold?”

“Yeah, I’ll hold.” Justin said. He was glad Robert took Brian’s case. At least that part of his life seemed to be working itself out. Justin sat back in his car, which was park right out Kinnetiks and listen to the music coming over his cell while he was put on hold.

 

  
“George, tell Robert I’m not surprised. Mel knows better than to represent herself. Go meet with her and her Lawyer tonight and let me know what they’re proposing.” Brian said.

Robert called to tell Brian that he had called Mel to tell her he was representing Brian. Mel told Robert she already had representation and they were ready to meet. It was sudden. Robert wanted to go to this impromptu meeting. He wished he could sit down and talk to Brian first, but he felt that it was important to know what their position was as soon as possible so Robert could start building their case. It was also important that they not give the impression that they aren’t prepared.

George, Robert’s paralegal and interpreter, asked Brian if he was ok having Robert meet with Mel and her Lawyer with out Brian present. He wanted to give the impression that this meeting wasn’t important enough for Brian to be present. It gave them the appearance of confidence.

“Tell him I agree, he should meet with them alone for this first meeting, but I want him to call me tonight, no matter what time. I want to know how it went.”

George relayed the message and Robert responded he would call him as soon as the meeting ended. Brian inquired as to the health of Roberts’ father. Kinnetiks would never have gotten off the ground if it weren’t for Robert Senior. Brian really liked the old man. Robert said he was fine, and that he would convey Brian’s’ well wishes to him. Brian thanked him and hung up.

 

Shane saw the light go off and buzzed Brian.

“What the fuck is it now!” Brian barked in the intercom.

“Justin.”

Fuck! Brian saw the hold light on his phone and quickly picked it up.

“It’s about fucking time! Where have you been, why aren’t you answering my calls?” Brian rambled. Shit he sounded pathetic.

“I’ve been busy. What do you want?” Justin said coldly.

Brian sighed. “Well I’d like to fuck for one thing. It’s been three fucking days.” Brian said bluntly.

He was tired of this shit. The situation with Justin was like walking on broken glass. He wanted “them” back to normal.

“So go get fucked.” Justin said.

Brian sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. God he was getting such a fucking headache.

“Justin, come on. It’s been three days. Lets talk. I promise I’ll talk, and I’ll listen, what ever the fuck it takes to get you to stop ignoring me.” Brian said.

Justin was silent for a full minute before answering.

It felt like an eternity to Brian.

“I’ll be right up.” He finally said and shut his cell.

Fuck, he hated being weak. He should hold out until this weekend. All his plans were coming together. God he hoped he was doing the right thing. It was too late to worry about it now; the ball was in motion. With a little luck and some divine intervention, they just might have something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. It was only 8 days away. He just had one more thing to do, and then all would be set.

He promised himself he’d stay away from Brian until his plan was executed, but he couldn’t. He missed Brian. It was hell when they weren’t together. Being near him, and not being able to touch him, or talk to him was like walking on broken glass.

Justin got out of the car and headed into the building. He reasoned that after this weekend, Brian might not want to be with him for a long time, so it was ok that they be together now. It was bullshit though. Justin just plain needed Brian. Period. Where as drugs and sex was Brian’s addiction, Brian was Justin’s addiction.

Shane looked up and smiled at Justin when he walked in. Her smile faded quickly when she saw how pale he was. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

“Jesus Christ you look like shit!” Shane said.

“Thanks Shane, and may I say that’s a lovely shade of blue you’re wearing?” Justin replied smirking, knowing how much Shane hated dressing like a girl.

“Ok, you don’t have to be cruel! It’s your boyfriend in there that’s making us both look like shit.” Shane remarked.

“Hey, you took the job knowing his conditions.” Justin retorted.

“Yeah, and you took “him” knowing his conditions. So that makes us both ass’s.” She replied.

Justin sighed and looked at the door to Brian’s office.

“No, it makes us both enablers.” He said and walked into Brian’s office.

 

Brian got up from his desk when Justin entered his office and walked around to the front. He leaned back against his desk and folding his arms across his chest. He watched Justin shut the door behind him. His body tightened in response. God he wanted him so bad.

Justin strolled casually into the office and sank wearily into the designer chair in front of Brian’s desk.

He looked up at his lover with emotionless eyes.

 

“Well?” He said in a bored tone; apathy laced heavily in that one word.

Brian’s eyes blazed into Justin’s. The little twat was going to make him do this the hard way.

“I’m sorry, ok, is that what you want to hear?” Brian said a little to caustically.

Justin laughed cynically. “Sorry’s bullshit, remember?” He said.

“Fuck, what do you want from me Justin? You know I’m under a lot of pressure with this case. I could lose my son here!” Brian yelled at him.

“Bullshit. That excuse is so pathetic, it’s truly not worthy of you. Try another one." Justin drawled scathingly.

Brian stared at him for a moment shocked at Justin’s callousness. Justin had never been this hurtful with him. Brian was usually the one with the cruel cutting remarks. It seemed his boy was picking up some pretty nasty habits from him.

Brian physically cringed from Justin’s words. He wondered what other bad habits would Justin pick up from him.

Justin saw how his words affected Brian and was instantly remorseful. Fuck, he hated hurting Brian! But Brian had to understand how serious this was. Brian’s escalating problems with drugs, sex and booze was going to kill him if Justin didn’t do something about it.

 

Justin leaned forward in his chair and held Brian’s gaze.

“Brian, you were at Mr. Goodbars.” He said.

“Mr. Goodbars for God sakes! Mikey told me when and how you became a member. God how could you?” Justin said with such reproach in his voice Brian felt sick. He looked away; he couldn’t stand to see the look in Justin’s eyes. The disgust, the disappointment, the regret…

Justin continued. “Do you even remember what you did that night? Because I’d like to know how you got all those bruises?” He asked.

This is why Brian hated talking. Talking was always a bad idea he remembered a little too late. He turned back to Justin. The gauntlet was thrown down. He was damned if he wouldn’t pick it up. Justin needed to understand that life was very nasty and cruel sometimes and that things happened that no one ever talked about, but too many people lived through. He wasn’t alone at that club.

“It’s a rough place Justin.” Was his answer.

Justin nodded and sat back in his chair. He studied Brian for a moment.

“I can’t understand the pain you must have been in when you became a member. But I know it must have been unbearable. You were trying to kill yourself, weren’t you?” Justin asked.

Brian shifted from one foot to the other. He was extremely uncomfortable with this conversation. Justin was too close to the truth, and the truth was something Brian liked to keep from himself when it came to self-destructive behavior. How could he tell Justin he was so weak that he was trying to kill himself?

“I won’t go there again. Ok?” He said.

Justin felt like the world was crushing in on him. Maybe he was making a mistake about this weekend. Maybe Brian’s problems couldn’t be solved by him, maybe he needed professional help. God he was fucked, cause if that were true, Brian would never be healed cause he knew Brian would never willingly get professional help. And that meant that Justin was doomed to a life of pain because leaving Brian was not an option. He would follow Brian into the pits of hell if it came to it. And it was starting to look like it just might.

He got up to leave. Brian panicked

“I said I won’t go there again!” He yelled.

“If not there, it will be somewhere else. God Brian, I’m not as strong as you. I can’t take the pain, and each time you self destruct, you destroy a part of me.”

Brian’s face twisted in pain from that revelation. He knew Justin was right. Brian was always causing Justin pain. He hated himself for it.

“Well, then maybe you should save yourself the pain and get the fuck out of my life.” Brian spat at him harshly.

Justin laughed bitterly. “As if that’s an option! You know it isn’t. You can throw me out, move to another country even kill yourself Brian, and nothing will keep us apart. We’ll always find a way back to each other. It’s our destiny. We have no control over it. What we do have control over is whether we choose to live as if it is a curse or a blessing. Right now, it’s our curse.” He said.

Brian knew Justin was right. Whether it was Brian pushing Justin away, or Justin leaving Brian, they both always found themselves back together. Truth was it was more painful to be without the other, than to suffer the pain they caused each other. Right now it was Brian causing Justin the most pain. He couldn’t bear the truth of that. His instincts screamed to stop hurting Justin, he just didn’t know how.

He pushed away from the desk and reached for Justin desperate in his need.

Justin didn’t resist, he let Brian pull him into his arms.

Brian held him tight and buried his face in Justin’s soft silky hair.

“I’m trying Sunshine, honest to God I’m fucking trying. Don’t give up on me.” His voice sounded suspiciously like he was crying.

Justin held him tight. “Never.” He said.

A flicker of hope passed through Justin. Maybe, just maybe this weekend would have an impact on Brian.

He pulled back and brought his hands up to cup Brian’s face. He pulled his face down until their lips met.

The kiss was light, tender and filled with emotion. Justin felt tears on his face, he wasn’t sure if they were his… or Brian’s….


	39. Revelations

"Have you come here for forgiveness  
Have you come to raise the dead  
Have you come here to play Jesus  
To the lepers in your head"

~ One by U2

 

Justin stood at the front door of the newly renovated brownstone house. He saw Brian’s influence in the details. It reminded him of just how much Brian kept hidden from everyone, including him. Actually he thought, more so from him.

 

His reserve was shattered yesterday and last night when he broke down and let Brian fuck him. He couldn’t afford to be vulnerable to him right now, but he just couldn’t hold out. He was fooling himself thinking that part of his plan was going to hold water. When it came to Brian, his body had a mind of his own. And his body caved. Come Saturday though, he was determined that the rest of his plan would come to fruition.

 

Brian’s need for him was as strong as his own for Brian. Three days was a very long time for them. They fucked for hours in his office, much to the frustration of Ted and Shane. Both had business they needed to discuss with Brian but where put off because of their fucking. By the time they left the office everyone was gone. They were hot, sweaty and somewhat satisfied. Round two came later that night at the loft.

They fucked all night. Justin made a point not to talk. Brian was very happy about that Justin thought angrily. He was content, as usual, to just fuck their problems away. Justin let him believe it worked.

It wasn’t hard really, cause when he was in Brian’s arms, all their problems disappeared. It was the one area in their relationship where everything was in perfect harmony. There was no thought involved, it was all instinct and emotion. Sex with Brian existed on a whole other realm. It was when the cold light of day came around that reality hit and their problems reappeared. It was like they lived in two different worlds. The one inside the bedroom, and the one outside. The trick was getting both worlds to coincide peacefully.

Justin made sure he got up before Brian this morning. He didn’t want to face him just yet. He was still too raw and emotional from their union. Justin knew his limits when it came to Brian. If he had stayed, he would have ended up screaming at him his frustration, and fear. He couldn’t risk that. It would only cause Brian to shut down and Justin needed him as open as possible before Saturday.

The task at hand was the last piece he needed to put into place in order for his plan to be successful. Justin convinced himself it would be because the alternative was unthinkable. The truth however was that it could go either way; it could have the impact Justin hoped for and be the beginning of true healing for Brian or it could blow up in his face and leave a litter of corpses in it’s wake. Justin was desperate enough to take the chance, and so were the people in Brian’s life who loved him. He silently prayed that the woman on the other side of this door was one of those people as well.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. A full two minutes passed before the door was swung open. The woman on the other side eyes lit up in shock.

“Hello Joan. Remember me?” Justin said.

Joan sneered at him. “Yes, I do unfortunately. You’re the young boy my son molested.” She said.

Justin could smell the alcohol on her breath and it was just 10:00 am in the morning. He signed deeply.

“I think you have that backwards Joan. If there were any molesting going on, it was being done by me. I was the one who pursued him. But I’m not here to talk about our relationship, I’m here to talk to you about Brian.” Justin said.

Joan looked at him skeptically. “You still seeing my son?” She asked.

“Yes, we are still together. And that’s not going to change, but some things have to Joan, and I was hoping you could help me accomplish that.” Justin said.

Joan’s eyes lit up. “I’ve been trying to change Brian for years! You know it’s not too late. Not for you or for my son. You can both ask God to forgive you and stop committing that awful sin and you can still get into heaven.” Joan said excitedly.

Justin really pitied this woman. She truly believed the shit she was sprouting.  
He doubted she would be any help to him, but he had to try.

“May I come in?” He asked.

Joan opened the door and let him in. She turned and walked towards the kitchen. Justin followed her. He walked through the house noting the expensive modern furniture. He was surprised she could afford it. This was a woman who lived with a very stingy man according to Brian. It was one of the reason’s why money and success was so important to Brian. He never wanted to be a man like his father. Anything Jack was, Brian made sure he was the opposite.

Jack died last year. The only thing he left behind was a miserable $50,000 life insurance policy. Most of which Joan spent on a lavish funeral. Not that she loved her husband, Justin doubted the woman was capable of love, but because Joan was all about appearances.

It suddenly hit him that the money for the furnishing, just like the money for outside renovations came from Brian. Justin shook his head. Joan had never shown Brian one once of love, she disowned him when she found out he was gay and told him he was going to hell and still, Brian felt obligated to take care of her. It was just another piece to add to Brian’s complex character.

“Nice place Joan. Did Brian pay for this?” Justin asked deciding to forego the bullshit niceties.

“That’s none of your business.” She retorted

“What goes on between me and my son is MY business.” She stated.

“You’re right. But I’m surprised you still call him your son. I thought you disowned him? After all, he’s a sinner and going to hell.” Justin said disliking this woman more and more by the minute.

“He is going to hell, and so are you!” She screeched at him.

Justin glared at her. “And you think you’re going to escape hell after all you did to your own son!” He said his temper rising.

Joan looked surprised for a moment. “I KNOW I’m going to hell!” She said almost hysterically.

Justin stepped back stunned by her revelation.

“My lot was cast years ago. It is because of ME Brian is he way he is! I let that family take him in when I knew there was evil there. I turned a blind eye to it. And do you know why I did? Because I was trying to save him from the evil that was residing in my OWN house! I thought I was saving him, and all I did was condemned him to hell. And because of my sin against my son I condemned my soul.” Her eyes glisten with tears.

Justin was shocked. The sincerity of words and in her tone could not be denied.

She leaned over the kitchen table and spat her words out. The booze clearly motivating her.

“Why do you think I go to church every day? I’m praying for HIS soul! Not mine! Why do you think I beg him to stop sinning! I know you may think I don’t love him, but I do. I don’t want him to go to hell!”

Justin could only stare at Joan. He was starting to understand. She truly believed that Brian being gay was buying him a one-way ticket to hell and she was to blame. She’d been spending her life trying to save him from it. It was what a mother would do for a son she loved, a sick and demented love, but still love.

“Joan, Brian is not going to change. He is gay, you have to accept that.” He said, knowing his words were falling on deaf ears. She’d been too brainwashed.

“I can’t accept it. I won’t. I will go to my grave trying to save his soul. I may not be able to change him, but maybe with enough prayers I can absolve his soul.” She said earnestly.

Justin’s eyes soften. This woman was truly disturbed. He wondered if Brian knew how disturbed she was? More importantly, he wondered if Brian understood that his mother did love him. Yes it was sick and demented, but it was HER form of love. That had to mean something.

Perhaps if he heard her say to him what she just said to Justin, he might feel a little better about her rejection. If he knew Joan abandoned him in hopes of saving him it might make him feel differently about not being “wanted” by his own mother. Joan always told Brian that Jack never wanted him, that he wanted her to abort him, but Justin knew Joan never told him why she rejected him once he was born. She was, in her way, trying to save him.

“Joan, have you ever told Brian why you abandoned him at such a young age?” He asked.

Joan huffed. “Why should I? He hates me, he’d never listen. He knows how Jack was. When he did come to live with us, Jack beat him almost everyday. Jack knew what went on in that house back in New York. He thought that he could beat the “sin” out of Brian. I hated Jack for that. Only through prayer can you save a soul, not through beatings. Do you know how many times I fought with Jack so he would beat me instead? I didn’t care. By that time I lost all feeling anyway. It wasn’t enough though. Brian still got the worse of it. I was glad when he left.” Joan paused to wipe her eyes.

“And how was I repaid?! By finding out my son is gay! All the praying, all the beatings, and still he choose to defy God! I know he is doing it to hurt me.” Joan said.

Jesus she was fucked up. “Joan, Brian does not CHOOSE to be Gay. He IS Gay. God made him that way.” Justin said.

Joan stepped back as if she were slapped. “HOW dare you!” She said.

“Brian chooses that disgusting lifestyle, just like you choose it. You’re both going to hell!” She ranted.

Ok, they were going in circles. Justin heaved a big sigh. If nothing else, Brian needed to hear why Joan abandoned him.

“We are never going to agree on this Joan. So lets just not. If you love your son, and I believe you do in your own way, then you’ll tell him what you just told me. If nothing else, at the very least, you and your son will go to your graves knowing there was some love between you. Isn’t that the Christian thing to do Joan?” Justin asked hoping some sense would sink into that booze laden, demented mind of hers.

Joan looked at him thoughtfully. “He won’t listen.” She said.

“What if I can promise you he will? Would you tell him then.” He asked.

“How can you do that?” She asked.

“Just come to his loft this Saturday night, and you’ll have your opportunity. That’s all I ask. Don’t do it for me, do it for your son. You may not be able to save his soul from damnation on the other side, but you can make THIS life a little more bearable for him. No son should go to his grave thinking his own mother didn’t love him. He needs to hear everything you just told me. Can you do that for him Joan? God might look favorable on you for doing such a charitable thing.” He said hoping to use her fanatic religious beliefs to persuade her.

Joan stood up straight and squared her shoulders. Justin held his breath while he watched the myriad of emotions flitter across her worn face.

“What time?” She finally said.

Justin breathed a sigh of relief.

“7:00pm.” He answered.

He turned to leave. Joan followed him to the door and let him out. Before she could close the door on him he turned around to face her.

“Joan.” He said.

She gave him a stone cold look.

“God thanks you.” He said then left.

 

***************************************************************************

 

“Brian, Robert is here to see you with Mel’s Lawyer.” Cynthia buzzed over the intercom.

Shane was down in the art department today helping out. Brian had yet to replace Claude. He didn’t even have a chance to look at the references Shane got for him. He was a bit preoccupied yesterday afternoon. By the time Justin and he got unoccupied, everyone had left.

Cynthia was sitting in for Shane today. A job she was not happy doing. She commented that he was determined to keep her as his personal assistant no matter how many raises or titles he gave her.

“Are you in?” She asked

Brian groaned inwardly. He never checked his messages last night. The fact that Robert was there with Mel’s Lawyer could only mean one thing. The meeting last night did not go well.

“Give me a minute Cyn.” He said.

He turned his phone off last night, not wanting his time with Justin disturbed. He completely forgot that he had asked Robert to call him after his meeting with Mel and her Lawyer. He didn’t’ even check his messages this morning.

When he woke, Justin was gone. He didn’t know what to make of that. Last night was perfect. They were “them” again. They fucked all night, their bodies communicating all that needed to be communicated. But then Justin skipped out on their morning shower ritual. Justin never skipped morning sex in the shower after a night like that.

If Justin was still angry, then he would have woke up and started in on him. But he didn’t. He didn’t wake up angry, he didn’t wake up horny. What the fuck was up with him? Brian was getting really nervous. Justin was up to something, he knew it, he could feel it.

His mind was so wrapped around his fucked up “relationship” that he completely forgot about Robert.

He pulled his cell out and quickly listened to his messages. He needed to be prepared before allowing them in.

 

“Number of new messages, one. Time 12:45 am. “Hey Brian, this is George. We need to talk ASAP. Mel’s playing hardball. Robert refused to back down and set up a meeting with you in the morning with Mel’s Lawyer, at their request. We’ll be there at 10:00 am. He didn’t want to turn them down because he wants them to think nothing will frazzle us. If we don’t talk to you before then, just follow Roberts’s lead. Call us when you get this message.”

 

Brian flipped the phone shut. Fucking Mel. Figures she’d play hardball. Trying to catch Brian off guard with this meeting. She’s moving fast, getting her cards all lined up neatly in a row. Robert made the right decision. They want to meet? Fine.

“Send them in Cyn.” Brian said. He pulled out his bottle of Beam and took a quick swig before replacing it back in his drawer.

Robert walked into the office followed by George and a man in a very expensive Versace suit. He had sandy hair and slate blue eyes. It was the eyes that caught Brian’s attention. They were emotionless. They were the eyes of a man who’d been doing a nasty job for so long he’d grown immune to it. This man was dangerous.

 

“Hello Brian how is your day going?” Robert signed to Brian and George interpreted.

Brian went over and gave Robert a friendly hug. Letting Mel’s Lawyer see this was more than business for them, it was personal. He spoke to Robert, and ignored the other Lawyer for the moment.

“I’d be doing a lot better if that brother of yours would let me win one fucking Racket ball match!” Brian teased; making sure the other Lawyer knew exactly how personal this is.

Robert caught on. “Well you know John was always too fucking competitive for his own good. Your sister needs to rein that man of hers in. When are those two going to set a date anyway?” Robert signed, again George interpreted.

Brian laughed. Robert was good at this. “I haven’t a clue, all I know is when it happens, I’m going to have to foot the bill. Maybe we can talk them into eloping?” Brian said. They both laughed.

The Lawyer stood there, with those emotionless eyes and looked bored. They could go on forever and he wouldn’t be affected Brian realized. He decided to end the charade.

He turned to the Lawyer and extended his hand smiling. “Brian Kinney” He said in a very relaxed tone.

The man took his hand and shook it firmly. His eyes met Brian’s, determined.

“Adam Slatter.”


	40. The Battle Begins

"Ignorance makes for weakness and fear; knowledge gives strength and confidence. Nothing surprises an intellect that knows all things with a sense of discrimination."

~ Magdeleine Sable

 

 

Mel walked into the diner and sat down at the booth near the window. She nervously looked around to see if any of the gang was there. Only a few late morning straggles lingered. She breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God she thought. She didn’t need another scene with any of them. She picked up her menu and studied it, waiting for Kiki to come take her order.

Deb was working the morning shift but Mel was sure she wouldn’t wait on her. Her “darling” boy was not on speaking terms with her or Lins. As soon as he heard that they were refusing to let Brian see Gus he stormed to their house. They were expecting him. Stupid lap dog was baring his teeth and growling at them telling them how cruel they were. Lindsey almost caved. Thank God she didn’t. It took Mel and Adam a lot of convincing that this was the best route to take.

Mel threw the menu on the table in frustration. Their relationship was on shaky ground because of this mess. Mel was sick of playing second fiddle to Brian. She loved Lindsey so much it hurt her. Lindsey hurt her with her obsessive devotion to Brian. But this time, Mel was going to fight back. This would be the test to the strength of their relationship. Lindsey was going to have to choose.

 

Mel was no idiot; she knew Lindsey was in love with Brian. She had never stopped loving him since college. It was always about Brian. Even Lindsey being a lesbian was about Brian. Brian was gay, so Lindsey had to follow suit. They’d been having this argument for the past ten years.

Of course Lindsey always vehemently denied it, insisting that she loved Brian as a “brother”, but Mel knew in her heart it was more than that. A brother, HA! Just like Michael loved Brian as a brother. Such bullshit. If Michael hadn’t found Ben and fallen in love, he would still be pinning over Brian.

It wasn’t that Lindsey didn’t love Mel, she did. But there would always be a big part of Lindsey that belonged to Brian. Sometimes Mel wished she did hook up with Brian years ago. This way she could be over him by now. Brian would have crushed her, just as he has crushed everyone who ever loved him in his life, and she would have moved on. But as it stood, Brian had a hold on Lindsey that Mel resented big time.

What the fuck was it about Kinney that attracted so many people? He was arrogant, narcissistic and an asshole. Mel never liked him, or understood why so many people let him get away with his shit. Well she was one woman who wasn’t going to let Mr. Brian Fucking Kinney get away with his shit! She was determined to fight him tooth and nail, and she had the perfect lawyer to do it.

 

She knew it was a bad idea to have Brian as a donor for Gus. But Lindsey wanted a baby, Brian’s baby. She begged and cajoled Mel until Mel finally relented. What a big fucking mistake that turned out to be! When they agreed to have Brian as the donor, Mel never imagined Brian would actually want to be a father! It would interfere with his tricking and boozing for Christ sakes!

Since Gus had been born Brian only saw him on the occasional weekend and holidays. True, he was very generous financially, but he was adamant that Mel and Lindsey be the parents, he was just the donor and financial support. Mel was fine with that arrangement. Now all of a sudden the prick wants his rights back? Mel was not going to have it.

Lindsey was surprised when Brian told her he wanted his rights back to Gus and excited. That made Mel sick. She believed that Brian was growing up and wanted to be a “real” father. Which would mean that Brian would be more in their lives.

Mel was revolted by that notion and shattered Lindsey’s illusion real quick. She reminded Lindsey that Brian never had any interest in being a father until his sister came to town.

Rena had been over their house more times than Mel cared for. She was constantly bringing gifts for Gus from his “aunty Re”. She was buying his affection and Mel resented it.

She and Lindsey fought big time over it. Lindsey thought it was wonderful that Gus had family that took an interest in him. Mel believed that “family” should mind their business. In the end though, it worked to her favor. She managed to convince Lindsey that Rena was behind Brian asking for his rights back because she wanted her greedy hands on their son. Lindsey bristled big time at that. As it was, Lindsey was jealous of Rena. Brian was spending less time with her and more time with Rena. She immediately saw the logic in Mel’s thinking.

Then when Mel hired Adam and Adam confirmed Mel’s theory, Lindsey agreed to go ahead with the counter suit.   
Adam was the one who suggested that they stop all visitations to Brian and Rena. He believed there was a risk that Rena would take off with Gus. The possibility wasn’t that irrational.

Rena truly was obsessed with Gus. Lindsey told her that Rena confessed she could never have children and that Gus was “the closest she would ever get to having one of her own.” Those words came back to haunt Lindsey when Adam was planning out their case. Lindsey reluctantly agreed to no more visitations from Brian or Rena to keep Gus safe. It would be short termed though Mel knew. Lindsey would never agree to keep Gus away from Brian permanently.

“Hey there stranger! Haven’t seen you in here in a awhile, how have you been honey?” Deb startled Mel from her thoughts.

She was smiling down at Mel, snapping her gum, and not missing a beat.

“Well, I didn’t think I was welcomed here.” Mel said defensively.

“Psst!” Deb made the offensive noise.

“Listen here sweetie; as long as I work here, you’re welcome anytime! Don’t let the fuckers get to you.” She said and scooted into the seat opposite Mel.

“What the fuck do they understand about a mothers love? Fucking assholes. Yeah, my son too!” She made a face.

Mel relaxed a bit. Deb smiled at her.

“Thanks Deb, it’s nice to know I’ve at least one friend left around here.” She said.

Deb made a face. “Honey I don’t take sides. You are ALL my kids!” Deb reached over and took Mel’s hands into hers.

“How are you doing?” She asked, knowing this must be difficult on her and Lindsey’s relationship.

Mel almost cried.

“It’s so hard Deb. I don’t know what to do. Lindsey is torn between Gus, Brian and me. Fucking Brian!” She said very emotionally.

Deb patted her hand. “Lindsey loves you Melanie. Have faith. She’ll come around.” Deb reassured her.

“I don’t know Deb. This case is going to get very nasty, and I’m not sure if Lindsey will stick by me!” Mel’s eyes filled with tears.

Deb felt sorry for the woman. She was so full of hurt and anger, only it was directed at the wrong person.

“You know what you need?” Deb asked.

Mel wiped her eyes and grabbed a napkin from the napkin holder to dry her face.

“I’m sorry, I’m just a little stressed.” She said.

“Of course your fucking stressed! It’s a bad situation all the way around.” Deb said.

Mel nodded and sighed.

“You need some time away together. The weekend is coming up, rent yourself a cabin up in the Pocono’s, pack some flimsy lingerie, hell, don’t pack any lingerie and have some fun!” Deb said.

Mel smiled uncertainly at Deb. She liked the idea of taking Lindsey away for a romantic weekend. Away from their problems, and more importantly, away from Brian’s influence.

Right now Lindsey wasn’t talking to Brian but that wouldn’t last. Sooner or later they would talk, and Lindsey would give in to him. It would kill Mel if Lindsey chose Brian over her! She couldn’t let that happened. She needed to reaffirm their love for each other. Deb was right. Unfortunately, it was not a good time.

“I’d love to Deb, but I can’t.” She realized. They couldn’t just up and leave. Gus had a doctor’s appointment on Friday and a birthday party on Sunday.

“Why the hell not!” Deb asked

“We can’t leave Gus with anyone Deb. He has a doctor’s appointment and a birthday party this weekend, and our babysitter, as you can imagine, is unavailable.” Mel snarled that last part out.

“Sunshine?” Deb said.

Mel nodded.

 

“Well fuck that! I’ll take Gus this weekend! I’m off anyway, and Vic and I would LOVE to have the little guy around! It will be fun! We can take him to the party. You take him to the doctors, and then bring him over to my house after wards. You can get an early start Friday night. Have your bags already packed for the both of you and surprise her with the most fucking romantic weekend of her life! Don’t even tell her, just surprise her.” Deb suggested enthusiastically.

For the first time since this whole mess started, Mel felt hope.

“Oh Deb would you?!” She asked excitedly.

“You bet your fucking ass I will!” Deb said and laughed.

Mel reached over the booth and gave Deb a big hug. Deb felt a twinge of guilt, but ignored it.

“Ok, now I’m going to bring your skinny ass a big plate of blueberry pancakes and you’re going to eat the whole fucking thing! Then you are going to make arrangements for your romantic weekend.” Deb got up from the booth.

“And don’t worry hon, it will be our secret.” She said and winked at Mel.

Mel smiled up brightly at her. “You know what Deb? I think today I WILL finish the whole plate!”

Deb snapped her gum, pinched Mel’s cheek and turned to go place the order.

 

The kitchen door swung open wildly as Deb entered.

“Hey Deb, phone call!” Charlie the short order cook yelled out.

“Got it! I need a blueberry pancake special!” Deb ordered and walked over to the phone on the diner kitchen’s wall.

“Yeah.” She said abruptly. Deb hated to be interrupted at work

“Deb, it’s me.” Justin said.

“Sunshine! You have perfect timing.” Deb said smiling into the phone.

“I’m not so sure about that.” He said.

Deb heard the worry in his voice.

“What’s the matter Sunshine? You having second thoughts?” She asked.

“I just came back from Joan’s. She’s coming Saturday night.” He said.

Deb made a low whistling sound. “You don’t fuck around do you Sunshine?” She said.

Justin sighed. “I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing Deb, this could really back fire and badly.” He said.

Deb turned to face the wall and lowered her voice.

“You listen to me Sunshine, you ARE doing the right thing. I’m ashamed I didn’t think of it myself! We all believed he was so strong, that he could take care of himself and all of us and damn the world. Well shame on us! Especially Michael. He knew what Brian went through and the hell he’s been living.” Deb’s voice got rough with emotion.

“Damn stubborn man hid it too well.” She said tears forming in her eyes.

When Justin told Deb of his plan, she immediately supported him. The boy was very brave. To do what he was doing took a lot of courage and love. Brian was a very lucky man, she only hoped he wouldn’t forget that come Saturday. If Brian felt cornered, he would lash out and Justin would be his main target. The boy was doing it right though, he had the support of the whole family, well almost the whole family. This whole fucking mess with Lindsey and Mel couldn’t’ come at a worse time, but Justin was right. He couldn’t put this off.

“Deb you can’t blame yourself, or Michael. Michael loves Brian blindly. He may prove smarter than me. He knows the chance I’m taking. He lived with Brian trying to kill himself before, he’d never risk it again.” Justin said guilt and fear washing over him.

“Now do you DARE fucking start having doubt Sunshine, you hear me!” Deb scolded.

“I have a lot of doubt Deb, but I won’t back down. I believe in my heart he needs this.” Justin said.

“Have you talked to Lindsey yet?” Justin asked.

Deb smiled over the phone. “Better than that Sunshine. I just spoke to Mel. Guess who’s babysitting Gus this weekend?” She asked.

“No fucking way!” Justin said then laughed.

“You’re something else Deb, how the fuck did you manage that?” He asked.

“Well we women know how to handle these things.” Deb said.

“You have no idea how wonderful this is. It will definitely make this a whole lot easier on Brian if he has his son near. You’re the best Deb, have I told you that lately?” Justin asked.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I have to admit though Justin, I do feel sorry for Mel.” She said.

Justin was silent. He was too angry at Mel and Lindsey to have any kind of sympathy for them at the moment.

“You know Sunshine that at some point, you boys are going to have to make nice with them.” Deb said.

“I know. Eventually this whole mess will work itself out. I don’t believe Lindsey will keep Gus away from Brian forever.” Justin said.

“But right now I’m more concerned about Brian.” He said.

Deb sighed. “Me too Sunshine, me too.”

“Deb! Pancakes are up!” Charlie called out.

“Listen Sunshine I gotta run. We’ll see you Saturday night; I’ll come an hour early with Gus and of course, I’ll bring lasagna. It’s Brian’s favorite.” Deb said.

Justin wanted to kiss her. Deb had been unbelievably supportive. Actually, everyone had been very supportive. It warmed Justin’s heart to see how much Brian’s little family loved him, and how much they were willing to do for him. Deb though was his rock through all of this.

“That will be great Deb. Brian could use the time alone with Gus before the rest of the gang gets there. I’ll see you then.” Justin said.

“Bye Sunshine, and don’t worry!” Deb said and hung up the phone.

Blueberry pancakes. Deb picked up the plate and headed back into the diner. Mel sat there looking very chipper. She felt that twinge of guilt again, then pushed it away. She hated deceiving Mel, but it was for a good cause. The girls would get some much needed time away together, and Brian would get to see his son. She said a silent prayer and hoped they were all doing the right thing.

 

***************************************************************************

 

Brian didn’t skip a beat. “Adam Slatter! We talked the other day on the phone! A friend of mine recommended you. You’re reputation precedes you. Should I be worried?” Brian said teasingly, almost mockingly and raised his eyebrow, a broad smile spread across his handsome face.

“Yes we did. I’m sure you understand now why I couldn’t’ take your case.” Adam said.

Brian made a face that said, “Please, don’t be ridiculous!”

“Perfectly understandable! Truth is I would never have called if Robert here hadn’t had plans to go to Italy. I didn’t want him to cancel his plans for me. But as you can see, once he found out, he insisted that he represent me.” Brian said then leaned in to Adam and whispered conspiratorially. “It’s really for the best actually; his Italian’s for shit.” Brian said laughing. He was toying with Adam, letting him know that Brian not only did not view him as a threat, but he didn’t even rank a nuisance.

“I may be deaf but I can still read lips.” Robert said trying to look affronted.

Brian held his hands up. “What?” He said looking innocent.

Adam smiled. “This is all very entertaining Kinney, but I’ve seen better performances from street vendors. Actually, there was one particular street performer I found very talented. A very handsome violinist. I believe you’re familiar with his work.” Adam smirked at Brian.

First shot fired, and mark hit.

Adam was the best in his field, and he got to be the best by knowing every important detail of his opponent.

Brian Kinney, 31 years old, very successful Ad man with two Clio’s under his belt.

He was current owner and CEO of Kinnitik’s Global Advertising Agency that boasted some pretty high-ticket clients such as Remington Pharmaceuticals.

He was as ruthless in business as he was in his personal life. When inquired about, Adam heard descriptive words such as “narcissistic, arrogant, condescending, intelligent, ruthless and his favorite, asshole. Which was used the most.

He had a reputation for his promiscuity, drinking and drugging.

Two years ago he seduced a young boy whom he was currently living with. Around the same time he became a father to Lindsey and Mel’s baby. He had an estranged mother, father dead, one sister who he barely spoke to that had two kids, and another woman he called sister who he grew up with in New York.

He spent time in a Rehab facility in New York at the age of 15. Managed to finish high school and get a bachelors degree by the time he was 23. Worked as a top Ad man for Vanguard before opening up his own agency.

Kinney had one previous lawsuit dropped against him for sexual harassment on the job and another dropped for child molestation of his own nephew.

His young lover left him for violinist in a very public display. They recently got back together.

Yes, Adam made sure to know all the important details of his opponents before engaging in battle.

 

Robert looked at Brian. His eyes were intense. Brian barely glanced back at him.

So Mr. Slatter played hardball? Brian mentally shrugged. He dealt with his type before. This is where lessons from Brian’s time on the streets usually served him well. He grinned at Adam.

“Actually Adam, I have a particular fondness for violinists. But I suspect you already know that?” Brian said with a knowing, sexy smile, and winked at Adam.

Adam didn’t flinch, though he cursed inwardly at the inference. He assumed it was his lover that had the affair with the violinist, not Brian. It made him think twice now about what else he could have gotten wrong about the man.

Brian saw the doubt in Adam’s eyes and smiled. Good. This man was way too dangerous; he had to keep him off balance. So he knew a lot about him? Well, let’s confirm some of those facts Brian thought.

“Adam, come. Let’s have a drink before we discuss business.” Brian said.

Robert shot Brian a warning look. Brian ignored him and pulled out the bottle of Beam.

“A little early isn’t it?” Adam asked; his confidence back. At least that bit of information was correct. Kinney was a heavy drinker.

Brian took a shot in the dark.

“Ah, come on Adam. I do believe you’ve been known to take a nip or two before noon yourself.” He said hoping his assumption hit its mark.

It did.

Adam smiled. He felt something he hadn’t felt in a long time. Challenged. Kinney was real competition. Obviously Kinney had done his homework as well.

“Once or twice." Adam conceded and nodded his head in respect.

Brian took out two glasses. “I’d offer Robert and George a drink but they aren’t like us Adam. They don’t indulge.” Brian said looking straight into Adam’s eyes as he drawled out the word “indulge”.

Brian had a feeling this man indulged in quite a few things that weren’t as pristine as the designer suit he was wearing. His gut instinct told him that, and he had learned long time ago to trust those instincts. They kept him alive on the streets.

Robert and George pulled some chairs over in front of Brian’s desk. The two were enthralled watching the men in front of them. It was like watching a fencing match.

Indulge. Adam caught the inference. What else did Brian know of that he indulged in? Fuck he hoped he didn’t know about Shane! Not that he cared if Kinney thought he was picking up young gay tricks at bars, but he didn’t want Shane hurt. Shane. His mind briefly flashed an imagine of her lying beneath him, panting…. Adam shook himself mentally. He needed to stay focused.

Adam walked over to the chair next to Robert.

“May I?” He motioned to the chair.

“Of course, sit.” Brian said. He came around the desk and offered the glass of Beam to Adam.

Adam took the glass. “I usually prefer Bourbon, but this will do.” He said then swallowed the burning liquid in one smooth gulp. He returned the glass to Brian, never flinching. He lowered himself into the chair and unbuttoned his jacket.

Brian was impressed. Not many men could drink that much whisky in one shot and not react. Adam was smooth.

 

“All other information we have on each other aside, there is only two things you really need to know about me Mr. Kinney.” Adam said.

Brian raised his eyebrow. “Oh? And what are they?” He asked.

“I’m a Lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.” Adam said.

“That’s three things.” Brian said.

“See? Not playing fair already.” Adam said and smirked.

Brian laughed. “Well then Mr. Slatter, why don’t you tell us what you want?” Brian got down to business.

Adam pulled his suitcase up onto his lap and opened it. He took some papers out and handed a copy to Robert, and one to Brian. Robert scanned the contents. Brian threw his on his desk and held Adam’s stare.

“As you know, my client is opposing your petition to reinstate your parental rights to your biological son, Gus Peterson. “ Adam said and waited, giving Brian’s Lawyer time to read their counter suit.

Robert scanned the documents in his hands.

“You can’t be serious!” Robert said, his eyes glued to the papers in his hands. Brian shot him a look. There obviously was something in those papers that Robert did not like.

“Oh, but we are.” Adam said and looked back at Brian. He hadn’t even blinked Adam noticed.

“Ms. Peterson and Ms. Marcus have filed papers to petition the courts to deny you visitation rights and any future contact with your biological child. We are asking the courts that a restraining order be put on you immediately.” Adam dropped that bomb.

Still, Brian didn’t flinch. His eyes remained locked with Adams, emotionless. Adam felt a chill. This was one opponent he needed to thread very careful with.

“On what basis?” George translated for Robert.

“On the basis that Mr. Kinney is a possible threat to the child. We have several affidatives from members of the community stating that they have personal knowledge of Mr. Kinney’s drinking and drug use, and his reckless sexual activities. He puts himself in danger and his son. In addition, Mr. Kinney has had past claims of child molestation and statutory rape.” Adam concluded.

“Those claims were dropped. You can’t admit them into evidence.” Robert said.

Adam gave him a blank look. “You’re right of course, but sometimes those old claims get mixed in with other admissible evidence, and by the time the judge dismisses them, he’s already read them. And judges are human. Their decisions will on some level be affected by it. “ Adam was giving them a glimpse of how dirty he could play.

 

Robert handed the affidatives back to Adam. “True. And you may be right. But the next judge will know about the underhanded trick you played the first time around, and HIS decision may be affected by THAT knowledge. You see, though you have the advantage of knowing how to employ underhanded tactics to twist the courts to your favor, WE have the advantage of capital resources behind us. Between Remington Pharmaceuticals and Kinnetik’s Global, we can keep Ms. Peterson and Ms. Marcus in the courts for many, many years, costing them hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is something YOU should consider when you advise your client.” Robert said.

Both Brian and Adam were impressed by Robert. Brian in particular. John’s brother was no pussycat. He was ruthless when pushed. He just pushed back, and hard.

“True. But I would have won this case. And that’s all I’m really interested in Mr. Remington. You can have a shot at the next lawyer. But consider this; the appeal could take months, maybe years. Children grow up so fast these days.” Adam said not to be outdone.

Robert was ready to respond when Brian shot him a look. He had no doubt Robert could handle this man but Brian wanted to deal with this personally. Adam was about to learn how Brian reacted to threats.

“We won’t need any appeals. We’ll win this one.” Brian said confidently and leaned forward so his face was close to Adam’s.

“You see Adam, I know a few tricks of my own. Quite a few actually, many of them judges.” He smiled sadistically.

“Now maybe you’ll get lucky and the judge appointed to this case won’t have intimate knowledge of me, but I can assure you, one of his cronies will have, and you know how they all hate scandals. Games on Slatter. See you in court.” Brian straightened up and went behind his desk. He sat down and started shuffling through his files. He pressed the intercom.

“Cyn, Get Ted in here, we need to go over the Sparkle account.” He said then shut the intercom off before Cynthia could answer.

Adam took that as his cue, the meeting was over. Robert got up to let Adam out. Adam shut his brief case and stood up to leave. He faced Brian.

“Kinney, do yourself a favor. Don’t underestimate me. You have a job to do, and so do I. Yours is to sell hot tubs and miracle drugs. Mine is to cross-examine people like you and crush them. And have no doubt; I will get you, your lover, your whole family and every trick you’ve ever had or got high with on the stand. By the time I get through I’ll have portrayed you as a pedophile homosexual child molester.” Adam waited for a reaction. Brian never looked up. Adam sighed and continued

“If you think any judge, regardless of who you’ve fucked, will risk the publicity of letting a child molester gain access to a child… Did I mention all the media coverage I have planned?..” Adam paused again to see if that would get him a reaction. Nothing. He shrugged and continued.

“Anyway, let’s just say that a scandal of one sexual tryst with a consenting adult, gay or not, is far less a price to pay publicly then being known as the judge who rules in favor of child molesters. Think about that.” Adam concluded. Still, no reaction.

“Brian…” Adams voice was sincere. Brian could sense the “man” in front of him, the Lawyer temporarily gone. Brian looked up and met his stare.

“This is not personal. I hope you understand. You have your vice, I have mine. This is mine.” He put his briefcase down on the floor and moved to stand in front of Brian’s desk. He placed his hands on the polished surface and leaned in. His voice was low, his words meant only for Brian’s ears.

“I NEED to win.” He said, beseeching Brian to understand with his eyes.

“Your Lawyer is right; you have enough money to get a speedy appeal. Start working on it now. With some luck you can have it in a couple of months.” Adam said.

Brian looked at the man and understood what he was saying. Adam Slatter defined himself by always winning. Without it, he had nothing. He was nothing, or so he believed. That was his vice. His cross in life to bear.

At any other time, he might have sympathized with the man. But this was his son they were talking about. If Brian couldn’t win in the court room, then he would win outside the court room. No matter what it took, he would not loose his son.

Brian got up slowly and walked around his desk. He stood in front of Adam and held his stare for a full minute, then turned and walked to his door and held it open.

“Get the fuck out of my office.” He said in a dead calm voice.

Adam picked up his briefcase and walked past Brian, and into the outer office. God he hated his job sometimes.

His eyes feel on a woman standing alongside Brian’s secretary, Cynthia. Her back was to him but there was something familiar about her. She was wearing a very stylish pant suit outfit that complimented her slight curves. Her hair was jet black, and short from behind.

“Cyn, if Brian doesn’t hire someone soon I swear to God I’m going to start strangling people down there! Fucking artistic types! Where the fuck is Justin! He should be dealing with those lunatics!” Shane was venting her frustrations to Cynthia.

“Shane?” Adam said in a shocked voice.

Shane whipped around at the sound of Adams voice. Her face lit up and a smile spread across her delicate features.

Brian watched the exchange closely from his door.

“What are you doing here!” She asked excitedly. She wondered if he tracked her down to surprise her.

Adam just stared at her. God she looked beautiful as a woman! She was hot dressed as a boy, but wow, she was absolutely stunning in woman’s clothing!

“You know fancy face, I could get use to seeing you like this." He said smiling at her.

Fancy face? Ok, here’s an interesting new development Brian thought.

 

“How did you find me! I thought we were going to meet at our place later?” Shane said.

Then, it hit Adam. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! He turned and looked at Brian. He did NOT like the look on Brian’s face.

Brian stood there, with this very odd grin.

Shane instantly felt something was wrong. “Adam, why are you here?” She asked, dread sinking into her.

Adam turned to face Shane. “Shane, we have to talk, NOW!” He said frantically and reached to grab her arm and drag her out of the room.

Shane let him pull her away, too stunned to resist.

“Shane!” Brian’s voice boomed out across the room before Adam was able to pull Shane out.

“Don’t listen to him, we need to talk first!” Adam said frantically. Shane heard the desperation in his voice. She pulled back, stopping him from pulling her out of the room. Her heart sank. She felt like throwing up. Something very bad was going on.

“Shane, Mr. Slatter is Mel’s Lawyer.” Brian said. Cynthia gasped as the realization of what was happening just hit her.

Shane looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Fancy face, let me explain, I didn’t know!” Adam tried to explain.

Shane pulled away from him. She stood back and stared at him with this blank look. Adam’s heart clenched painfully. NO his mind screamed. He went to reach for her; she flinched as if his touch were suddenly toxic.

“Don’t do this to us Shane, please.” Adam pleaded his eyes desperate.

Shane wanted to disappear. This wasn’t happening. Tears starting spilling down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” She said then turned and walked towards Brian.

Brian opened his arms and Shane folded herself into his embrace and cried.

“Shhh… it will be fine. Just don’t think about it.” Brian said. It was his standard advice for dealing with most stressful situations. Don’t think about it. Do what ever you had to do to erase bad memories and feelings. Drink them away, fuck them away or drug yourself up to the point of numbness.

He gently released Shane and pushed her into his office. He closed the door behind her and turned to Adam.

“You see Adam, it IS personal to me. Now get the fuck out of my building.” He said then went back inside his office.


	41. All Business is Personal

"Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”

 

~Mark Twain

 

“Professor Carlton thinks I should turn my Art History paper on Dondi into the basis for my Thesis. It could work actually. I’m thinking of taking the sketches from that project and incorporating them into a collage of post WW II political cartoons. I’d love to explore the history of Gargoyle Magazine. Talk about controversial political satire, they’re the ones who ran that cartoon called, “Kill a commie for Christ” during the Vietnam War. Oh, then there is your favorite Bri, Harvey Kurtzman, you know, the creator of Mad Magazine? You love that magazine; well anyway he also wrote this comic book called Two Fisted Tales which dealt with the Korean war…..”

 

Justin chatted aimless over the cell hoping that sooner or later, Brian would actually talk.

Justin was at his computer doing some research for his thesis when his cell rang. The caller ID told him it was Brian, but Brian wasn’t talking. After several, “Hello’s” and “what’s wrong?” Justin just started talking. He could hear the slight wheeze on the other end of the phone that Brian made when he was either drunk, or very upset.

Brian had done this once before when Justin first left him for Ethan. He called his cell one afternoon but didn’t speak. It was as if Brian just wanted to hear his voice. It broke Justin’s heart at the time. He ended up crying and hanging up on him. It was after that phone call that Justin returned the cell that Brian had bought for him. It was the last tie he had to Brian. Brian didn’t want him, but couldn’t let him go either. That was Brian, push with one hand, and pull with the other. Always the consummate walking contradiction.

Now it was happening again. Brian needed to hear his voice. They had been somewhat estranged this past week, due to Brian’s “episode” last weekend. Though they fucked last night, Justin left early this morning with out speaking to him. He knew Brian sensed something was wrong. But that was not what prompted this phone call. Something bad must have happened at work.

Justin had been talking for the past five or so minutes about nothing really, just to keep Brian engaged. He saw Cynthia on line and instant messaged her.

JT4BK: Hey Cyn, where’s Brian?

Cynbod: In his office with Shane. Bad day hon. Short version, Mel’s lawyer turned out to be Shane’s new boyfriend. There was a showdown and Brian made Shane choose. She’s a mess. She’s in Brian’s office and last I seen, she was curled in the chair with Brian’s bottle of Beam, probably passed out by now.

 

JT4BK: Holy shit, and what is Brian doing?

Cynbod: Nothing. Just sitting behind his desk staring off into space. I don’t think he’s drunk because Shane’s got his bottle. I only stock his desk with one bottle at a time.

JT4BK: I’m on the phone with him now. He’s not talking, just listening. I’m running out of things to say. Do you know how the meeting with the Lawyer went?

Cynbod: From what I gathered, pretty bad. Adam Slatter is the Lawyer, and has a rep. for leaving no survivors. Mel and Lins are petitioning the courts to put an immediate restraining order on Brian. They are asking that he not be allowed anywhere near Gus because he is a threat to his own child. Can you fucking believe that!?

 

“Shit Brian, I need to take the car in. I keep hearing this “knocking” noise. You know it’s times like this I wish I were a butch gay man who grew up tinkering with engines and not dildo’s. Unfortunately my talents lay , with blowjobs and not rim jobs. Though I’ve been known to do a pretty good rim job.” Justin continued his one sided conversation, trying to keep it light. Still no response from Brian.

Fuck! Things could not be happening at a worse time. This battle with Mel and Lindsey was getting ugly. Justin knew in his heart though that Lindsey would never keep Gus away from Brian permanently. Not because of her love for Brian, but because she loved her son. The fact was, Gus loved Brian. It was uncanny that at such a young age, Gus knew his father and needed his father. On more occasions then Brian would like to admit too, Lindsey had to bring Gus over to the Loft because he kept calling for his “dada”. Once he saw Brian, he immediately calmed. There was a lot of Brian in Gus. The boy was stubborn and didn’t let up until he got what he wanted.

 

JT4BK: What did Robert say?

Cynbod: I’m not sure, but by the look of him when he left, I’d say he’s taking this very personal. I would not mess with that man either. This is going to get ugly.

 

“Did I tell you Daphne broke up with her boyfriend? She caught him lying to her about studying with a “friend”. The friend in question turned out to be a girl he wound up having sex with. She’s really upset about it. Not that she loved him or anything, but it’s a pride thing. You know Daphne. She hates losing. Remember that night I chased you down at Babylon? She was the one who pushed me to “go get” you when we saw you dancing with that guy.” Justin laughed into the phone.

“That was the night you broke your rule of, “no repeat fucks” remember? You know you probably should thank her, or maybe send her a bill.”

Justin heard a small choking sound on the other end of the phone that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. Progress.

 

 

JT4BK: You coming Saturday night?

Cynbod: I don’t think I should. This is a family thing. I don’t belong there.

JT4BK: You do belong Cyn. Brian’s life is broken up into three parts. Family, work and his extra curricular activities. It’s his extracurricular activities that are out of control and spilling into his work and family life.

Cynbod: I understand Justin, but it’s not my place.

JT4BK: Oh? Is it your place to stock his desk with booze? Is it you’re place to make excuses for him when he’s too strung out to deal with a client? Cyn, you’ve been part of Brian’s life for a very long time now. You left a very good job to take a chance with Kinnitik’s, you know him better than most people, and Cyn, you, like me and the rest of his family have been enablers. Yes, it IS your place. If you care about Brian, you will come Saturday night and tell him.

Cynbod: What would I say?

JT4BK: The truth. How you feel about buying his booze and covering up for him.

Cynbod: Oh, I don’t mind!

JT4BK: You don’t mind or you don’t care?

Cynbod: Of course I care! Brian is not only my boss, he’s my friend.

JT4BK: Then tell him.

Cynbod: He’s not exactly the easiest person to talk to about things like that.

JT4BK: Exactly why it is so important we do this. Cyn, I’m scared. I don’t want to lose him.

Cynbod: I’ll be there. And Justin, don’t worry, you won’t. Brian is too fucking selfish. You mean too much to him, he’ll  
be around a long time. If for nothing else, to make our lives miserable! LoL

JT4BK: lol Then I’ll see you Saturday?

Cynbod: Yeah.

 

JT4BK: Thanks. TTYL

 

“Yeah, well Daphne was always your number one fan.” Justin prattled along. He needed to keep on talking until Brian either spoke to him, or hung up. It didn’t matter which he did, what mattered was that right now Brian needed him.

That little fact made Justin very happy. Brian was in a lot of pain right now. What happened with the Lawyer had to have hurt him bad. He didn’t have his booze to comfort him, Shane took care of that. He couldn’t leave her in her current state to go track down one of his many contacts to get some E, bump or cock. So he did what he should have thought of doing first, and not as a last resort. Turn to Justin. It was a start. At least Brian was starting to understand that there were other ways to deal with his pain that didn’t involve self-destruction.

“Oh, Emmett called today. I never heard him so excited. James bought him a Rolex. I didn’t know he had that kind of money. Rena told me that “technically” James was Viv’s employee. But James refused to be paid to protect Rena. You know James, his loyalty can’t be bought. He’s been living off his pension from the government. Still Viv has been depositing a monthly stipend into an account in his name for years. This is the first time he dipped into it. And for Emmett! Emmett is on cloud nine. Of course, he’s totally in love. Again.” Justin was running out of things to talk about. He was grasping now.

Justin sighed into the phone. “Are you coming home for dinner? I was thinking of making fried chicken. I know it’s a lot of calories, but I have to cook that chicken in the refrigerator before it goes bad and I’ve got a craving for………”

“I can’t lose Gus.” Brian’s voice broke through.

Justin’s heart slammed in his chest. He sat up in his chair. He wasn’t sure if Brian’s words were meant as a statement of fact or a confession. Fuck he wished he could see Brian right now.

“That would be impossible Bri. We won’t allow that to happen, Lindsey won’t allow that to happen, but more importantly, Gus won’t allow that to happen.” Justin said, not knowing what to say.

“I have to take Shane home. Fried chicken sounds good.” Brian said.

Justin smiled into the phone. “I’ll get started on it.”

“Later.”

“Later.”

*************************************************************************

 

The smell of fried chicken wafted through the loft. Brian closed the loft door behind him and breathed in the savory scent and sighed. His stomach rumbled. It was late and he hadn’t eaten all day.

He put down his briefcase and slipped out of his coat. God he needed a drink. The one he had at Rena’s wasn’t nearly enough and the bitch prevented him from having another. She blamed him for Shane’s condition. As far as he was concerned, her condition was well warranted considering the circumstances. Rena however, believed he could have handled the situation better. She accused him of having a pissing contest with Slatter at Shane’s expense. It was at that point she snatched the bottle of Beam away from him. He left before it turned into a nasty argument.

Brian shook the guilt of Rena’s words from his mind and walked to the kitchen.

Justin was standing at the stove, his back to him. He was turning the chicken in the frying pan. Brian came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Hmmm..smells good.” He said as he nuzzled Justin’s neck.

Justin leaned back against him and smiled. “I made cornbread as well. It’s what my grandmother use to call comfort food.” He said.

Brian kissed the top of his head then reached over and pulled the Beam down from the top cabinet. Yes, comfort food he thought.

Justin frowned, but said nothing.

“Rough day?” Justin ventured.

“I’ve had better.” Brian replied and drank from the bottle.

Justin took the chicken out of the frying pan and shut the stove off.

He turned to Brian and gently took the bottle away from him. “Dinner is ready.” He said and leaned up to kiss him. He placed the bottle back in the cabinet.

Justin carried the plate of chicken over to the dining room table.

Brian eyed him suspiciously. “You recruiting now Sunshine?” Brian asked dryly.

Justin looked back at him innocently. “What are you talking about?” He said.

“I’m talking about that smooth move of yours just now taking the bottle from me. Rena did the same thing earlier. I thought it was odd, not exactly Rena’s style.” Brian curled his lip sarcastically.

“Rena would have never made a move like that on her own, which leads me to believe you had a hand in it.” He turned and retrieved the bottle from the cabinet.

Brian sighed heavily and made a “tsking” noise. “What’s the matter Sunshine? No causes to fight for this week? Do I at least get my own telethon? “ He said lazily, a dangerous glint in his eyes.

He brought the bottle over to the table and filled his water glass to the rim with the dark brown liquid. His eyes locked in on Justin’s, challenging him to say something.

Justin gave him a look that was too close to pity for Brian’s liking.

Justin looked away and pulled his chair out to sit down. He unfolded his napkin and laid it on his knee then started to eat.

Brian fumed. “Fuck you.” He said. He could take a lot of things from Justin, but pity was NOT one of them.

Justin looked up unconcerned. “What?” He said.

Brian pulled the chair out opposite Justin and slumped down into it. “Let me be clear. I am NOT one of your fucking projects. You don’t need to fix me. Further more, if I EVER see you look at me like that again I swear to God I’ll make your life so fucking miserable the only one you’ll be pitying is yourself!” Brian’s eyes bore into Justin. His rage evident, yet his voice remained calm.

Justin turned his attention back to his plate. “Well, you can’t get much clearer than that.” He said then lifted a fork full of mashed potatoes to his mouth. He chewed slowly, closing his eyes in pleasure at the taste of it. He swallowed and licked his lips before continuing.

“Let me also be clear, what you saw in my eyes was not pity.” He said, not bothering to look up at Brian. He picked up a piece of fried chicken and bit into it. This time he made a moaning sound deep in his throat as he chewed on the succulent meat.

Brian watched him closely, his stomach rumbled loudly.

“Disadvantaged children deserve pity, you don’t. Mistreated animals deserve pity, you don’t. Why would I waste my sympathy on you? You’re an adult who has too many fucking advantages in life for me to ever pity.” Justin looked up this time and met Brian’s eyes. He took another bite of his chicken as he held his glare.

Brian gave Justin an appreciative smirk and took a long drink of his whiskey.

 

“What you saw was disappointment. I hate eating by myself.” He said and emphasized his words by slowly licking the juice from the chicken off his fingers, one at a time.

The move was agonizingly seductive, and contrived. Brian smiled. His blonde was manipulating him and damned if he wasn’t content to let him.

He slowly got up from his chair and walked over to where Justin sat teasing him. He pulled his hand away from his mouth.

“Here, let me help you with that.” He said as he pulled one of Justin’s fingers into his mouth.

Justin sucked his breath in. Brian’s eyes never left his as he finished with one finger, and started on another.

When he was done with his fingers, he leaned in and captured his mouth with his own.

Their tongues met and they drank each other in. Justin tasted like mashed potatoes and chicken. Brian’s stomach groaned in protest. He couldn’t suppress his laugh. Justin pulled away, mirth dancing in his eyes.

“Seems your cock isn’t the only organ that has a mind of it’s own.” He said half laughing.

Brian smiled. “Well you’re to blame for the current condition of my stomach… and my cock.” Brian emphasized the last part by taking Justin’s hand and pressing it against his hardness. Justin squeezed gently eliciting a moan from Brian.

“First eat, then we play.” Justin said in a husky, lust-laden voice. Brian pressed his hand tighter against him and leaned in for another kiss. Again, his stomach rumbled.

Justin laughed. Brian sighed in defeat and reluctantly pulled away from Justin.

“Ok, I give!” He said laughing then picked the chicken up from Justin’s plate and took a bite.

Brian pulled a chair up next to Justin and started eating off his plate.

Justin smiled completely contented. Brian was eating and not drinking.

One step forward.

He filled his plate up again. They sat together and ate off the same plate. It was very intimate and Justin treasured the moment.

“So, how was your day?” Brian asked in-between bites. He was really enjoying the meal.

“Weren’t you listening?” Justin laughed. “Jesus Brian I think I told you every fucking detail on the phone earlier. The only thing I missed was how many times I took a piss today.” He said thoroughly enjoying their diner conversation.

Brian laughed. “More importantly, how many times did you jerk off today?” He asked. Justin nudged him and rolled his eyes.

“Not nearly enough.” He answered, lust lurking in his eyes.

Brian picked the napkin up and wiped his mouth. “Well then, we need to fix that unfortunate state of affairs, don’t we?” He said and leaned over and grabbed Justin. He pulled him over the table and into his lap. Justin yelped as Brian slid his body over the dining room table. Dishes crashed to the floor from the sudden movement. Justin landed on top of Brian laughing.

“Brian look what you did! I’m a mess!” Justin gasped. Remnants of chicken and mashed potatoes covered the front of him.

Brian pulled him close headless of the mess. His Versace suit was now ruined from the fare.

He kissed Justin passionately, cutting off the blondes laugh. The mood shifted. Justin clung to Brian and kissed him back urgently. He wrapped his arms around his neck.

Brian moved his mouth over Justin’s taunting him with promises of so much more. He nipped, licked and sucked Justin’s mouth, lips, jaw, neck then lower. He pulled Justin’s food stained shirt off and ravished his body with his mouth, releasing all his pent up frustrations from the day onto his blonde, and Justin welcomed it.

Brian leaned forward causing them to fall off the chair and on to the floor. Justin rolled with him until he was on top of Brian. He lowered his mouth to Brian’s neck and ran his tongue up along his jugular.

 

“Buzzzzzzzzzzz…..” The door intercom buzzed.

Justin moaned…”Bri, someone wants to come up.” He said then nipped Brian’s jaw.

“Fuck em.” Brian said and slipped his hand inside Justin’s pants. Justin moaned and unbuttoned Brian's shirt. He then leaned over and took one of Brian’s nipples into his mouth.

“Buzzzzzzzzzzzz..”

“Um, Bri, they are not going away. It might be important.” Justin mumbled as he gently nibbled on Brian’s erect nub.

Brian growled deep in his throat.

“Buzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

“Fuck!” Brian cursed. Who ever it was, wasn’t’ going away. Justin lifted his head and looked back at the door.

Justin lifted himself off Brian. “We should answer that.” He said and stood up.

Brian sighed in frustration. He grumbled incoherently and got up to answer the buzzer.

He pressed the button.

“This better be fucking good! I’M BUSY!” He yelled into the intercom.

“Kinney, it’s Slatter, we need to talk.”

Brian pulled away, shock on his face. He turned to look at Justin who was standing next to him.

“Can you believe the balls on this guy?” He said clearly astonished.

“That’s Mel’s lawyer?” Justin asked, just as surprised as Brian.

“Yeah.”

“Brian, don’t let him up! Nothing good will come of it.” Justin put his hand on Brian’s arm and pleaded with him with his eyes. The last thing they needed was a confrontation in their home with Mel’s lawyer!

“Fuck that. He’s on my turf now. He has to be breaking at least a dozen laws by being here. It’s his fucking funeral.” Brian said and buzzed him up.

Justin groaned. “I don’t’ like this Brian!” He complained. Brian gave him a face.

“Stop worrying, I’m not going to do anything stupid.” He said and gave Justin an exasperated look.

Justin waited nervously while Brian opened the loft door and waited for the elevator to come up. He bit his thumbnail as the creaking sound of the elevator eerily echoed in the hall.

Adam Slatter wasn’t at all what Justin expected. He was a pleasant looking man. He had sandy colored hair and intense slate blue eyes. His clothing was expensive, down to his cufflinks. Justin noted the cufflinks. Not many men wore them anymore. Slatter was very much a traditionalist, at least in his clothing. Brian was the only other man Justin knew who wore cufflinks. At least they had that in common Justin thought.

He got off the elevator and boldly walked towards Brian. Brian stepped aside and waved his hand toward the inside of the loft, inviting Slatter in. Once inside, Brian closed the door behind them.

Adam looked at Justin and nodded his head in greeting.

“Justin, this is Adam Slatter, Slatter this is the statutory rape victim I molested over two years ago.” Brian sneered.

Justin gasped audibly. “Brian!”

Brian shrugged. “Hey, his description, not mine.”

Slatter extended his hand to Justin. Justin folded his arms across his chest. Adam sighed and turned to Brian.

“I need to see Shane.” Adam said bluntly.

Brian laughed. “Ah, come on counselor, you’re smart enough to know that ship has sailed. Try another line.” Brian ruthlessly stated.

Justin looked at Brian. That was cruel, even for him. There were some serious bad feelings going on here that went beyond his parental rights case.

Adam visibly calmed himself before speaking. “Brian, you’re not just hurting me, you’re hurting her. Personally, I couldn’t give a fuck what you do to me. But you can’t do this to her. She’s never been involved this way before, this could send her over the edge, do you want her cutting again?”

Both Brian and Justin gasped. Adam knew about Shane’s cutting, which meant he was VERY close to her.

 

Adam was taking a chance revealing Shane’s cutting, hoping Brian already knew. The way Shane went into Brian’s arms earlier told him that whatever the relationship was, it was deep and the bond between them was strong. Strong enough to keep her from Adam. He could accept that, if he knew she was all right. His gut was twisting with fear over how she was taking this. He needed to see her, and he’d risk anything right now to get that chance.

He had no idea where she lived, they always met at the hotel. He knew she lived with Rena Cardie. Adam tried all night to get a number or address on her but she was unlisted. Even his connections with the police department couldn’t get a location or number on her. Someone took great care to keep her undetectable. This only worried Adam more. A person only did that if they were hiding or running from someone or something. Brian was the only key to Shane’s whereabouts, and right now, Adam would sell his soul for it.

 

Brian saw the fear and desperation in Slatters eyes. Part of him wanted to sympathize with the man, but a bigger part of him wanted to strangle him. The man was trying to take his kid away! NOT PERSONAL his ass!

Anger overruled his judgment. “Shane is not your concern Slatter. Actually, she never was. Now, is there anything else I can help you with?” Brian said dismissively.

Adam lost it. He grabbed Brian by the shirt and slammed him against the wall. Justin grabbed him from behind and pulled him off of Brian.

“Are you fucking insane!” He screamed into Slatters ear and pushed him away. Justin stood in front of Brian in a protective stance.

Brian smiled, very amused by the whole situation. Seeing his blonde defend him so vehemently made Brian’s chest swell. There were a lot of things he doubted in this life, but Justin’s love and loyalty were not among them.

“Easy tiger.” He laughed softly and pulled Justin to him. He turned him around to look at him. Fire burned in his eyes. Brian was afraid for Adam! He leaned over and gently kissed his blonde. “I’ll handle this.” He said.

Justin took a calming breath and nodded his head. He stepped aside.

Adam composed himself and tried again. He was determined not to leave with out getting the information on Shane’s whereabouts. So attacking the man in his own home, with his young, strong, lover there was not a good idea. He had to try another tactic.

“I’ll refer Ms. Peterson and Ms. Marcus to another lawyer.” He said.

Brian raised his eyebrow. He had the man right where he wanted.

“Go ahead if you feel the need to. You still won’t get anywhere near Shane.”

Brian was just being spiteful now. Justin knew it. He had the opportunity to get Slatter off his back, and he threw it back in his face. They both knew that Slatter never lost a case, having him off the case would only help Brian get his rights to Gus back. Brian’s reaction only confirmed Justin’s earlier thoughts. This was not just about the case, this was something more personal. What had Slatter done to piss Brian off so?

Adam sighed. “Brian, it was not personal, you have to understand that.” He said pleadingly.

“Oh? Threatening to paint me as a, how did you say it? Pedophile, child molester?” Yes, I believe that was it, isn’t personal?” Brian spat out.

“It’s what I fucking do Kinney! It’s an ugly profession and it’s never personal, it’s BUSINESS!” Adam screamed.

“Not everyone conducts ‘BUSINESS’ like you Slatter. Some people have principles.” Brian spat back.

Adam twisted his mouth derisively. “That’s rich coming from you Kinney. The man who fired a friend, effectively ruining his career because he came out. Some would say that “business decision” lacked principals, not to mention how hypocritical that move was considering your gay yourself. You had no problem throwing your principles out the window on that one, did you?” Adam accused.

Justin groaned. This was getting nasty. He had to stop it.

 

Brian’s eyes grew dark. He couldn’t dispute Adam’s claim. He did fire Drew. Emmett’s voice rang in his head. He told him it was wrong, but Brian insisted it was “business.” Emmett told him that he compromised his principles for money, but Brian didn’t listen. He considered it a sound business decision. He stood to lose a lot of money if he kept Drew on. Fuck, he sounded just like Adam sounded now back then when he tried to explain his position to Emmett.

 

“Ok, stop. Adam, I think you should leave.” Justin said.

Adam turned to Brian. “Brian, please, I’m begging you, tell me where I can find Shane.”

Brian’s eyes narrowed.

“You threatened to put Justin on the stand.” He said.

And there it was. Justin shook head. Adam did the unforgivable; he threatened Justin. Brian wasn’t a very forgiving man to begin with, but threaten Justin, and you became an enemy. Justin now understood where the anger was coming from.

 

Adam looked at Brian, confused at first, and then it hit him. Brian loved his partner deeply. Adam unknowingly hit a very sore spot when he dragged Justin into this. Fuck! To him, Justin was just the young trick Brian seduced over two years ago. He had no idea how deep the relationship was. Adam was not a stupid man. He knew there were certain lines you did not cross, not because of any principals he held, those he lost long time ago, but because they did not serve his purpose. Men like Brian protected their own passionately. It’s why he agreed to drop the case. He believed that would appease Brian, but he didn’t count on his faux pas concerning his lover. And the threat to his lover was much different than his defending the mother of his child. Even if he lost, he knew his child was being well taken care of. There was never any threat to his son, to him, yes, but not to his son. Brian could take threats to him, but he would never allow anyone to threaten his son. Or, his lover.

“Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Was all Adam could say, defeat lay heavy in his words.

The phone rang. Justin cursed and went into the kitchen to answer it.

 

Brian snorted. “Sorry’s bullshit.” He said.

Adam took one last shot. He came this far, he had nothing to lose.

He looked Brian in the eye and bared his soul. “I love her Brian. I think you of all people can understand that. I’ll probably never have her, God knows I don’t deserve her, but I can’t help it. I’ve never loved anyone before, and I never even realized that until I met her. You have absolutely every right to keep her away from me. If I were you, I’d probably do the same. It’s obvious she’s very important to you and you want to protect her, but I’m laying all my cards on the table here hoping you’ll understand. I’m really scared. I can’t just walk away from her, not knowing if she is ok or not. Please……..”

 

Justin came back into the room pulling a shirt over his head and threw the car keys at Brian.

“Get your coat on, Shane’s in the hospital.” He said interrupting Adam’s appeal.


	42. The Hospital

"All deception in the course of life is indeed nothing else but the lie reduced to practice, and falsehood passing from words into things."

 

~ Robert South

 

"This is absolutely ridiculous! I brought her in for Christ sakes!"

Rena's voice echoed through the hallway. Her loud tone alerted Brian to the situation, which he assumed, was not good.

Brian quickened his steps, leaving Justin behind. He spotted her once he turned the corner of Mercy hospitals' corridor. She was standing in front of a police officer with her hands on her hips looking very much like the warrior princess. John was behind Rena, his hands rested on her shoulders.

The scowl on his face deepened when he heard the officer's reply.

"I'm sorry Ms. Cardie, but until we find out exactly what happened, we can't allow anyone to see her."

Brian approached them. "What's the problem?" He directed the question to the officer.

Rena turned around to face Brian and threw her hands up in the air. "I'm her fucking doctor and they won't let me see her!" Rena screeched at Brian.

Justin caught up to Brian at that point. Rena's words rung heavy in the air. Brian stiffened. He turned his attention back to the officer.

"How can you prevent a doctor from seeing their patient?" He said in a very calm voice, which alarmed Justin.

The officer gave Brian a curious look. "And you are?" He asked.

"I'm family, that's who I am. And I'd like to know why you are preventing my sister from seeing her patient?" Brian answered.

"Brian, please, it's very complicated." John tried to explain.

"Complicated my ass! They think Shane was attacked, and I'm a fucking suspect!" Rena blurted out.

 

Justin gasped.

Brian cursed.

John groaned.

 

"What is your name Sir, and may I ask where you were this evening?" The police officer questioned Brian.

Brian ignored him and turned to Rena.

"What happened?" He asked in a demanding tone.

Rena gave him a look that said, "not here". He grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the police officer.

"I ask that you not leave the premises." The policeman called out after them.

Brian shot him back a look. "We're not going anywhere until we see Shane."

Once he had Rena out of the policeman's earshot he whipped her around.

"What the fuck happened!" He hissed.

"What the fuck do you think happened? You should have never let her get that drunk! Jesus fucking Christ Brian, not everyone has the tolerance you do! Drinking does NOT dull her pain, cutting does! Add booze to her method and you have one fucking dangerous situation on your hands! She passed out when you dropped her off, so I thought. An hour later I heard her scream. She must have gotten up, still very drunk and headed straight for the medicine cabinet. Her coordination was off and she cut a major vein. I found her on the floor; she must have fell and hit her head because there was blood oozing out of her head, and from her inner arm! I had to bring her in, she needs stitches, and maybe surgery, depending how deep she cut, plus she may have a concussion! But I can't fucking find out because they think she may have been attacked, and guess who is number one suspect!" Rena's words ran together in one big long rant. Brian knew she was very scared, and worried. He took a calming breath.

"Ok, don't freak out. First, was she conscious when you brought her in?" He asked.

"Yes, barely." Rena said.

"Do you know if she told them anything?" He asked.

"No, all I get is that the doctor is with her, and they have questions about her injuries. We won't tell them anything other than it was an accident. I have no fucking clue what she told them. You have to understand, Shane can't say much. She knows if she admits to cutting herself, they'll throw her in the Psych ward. She'd do anything to prevent that. If they determine that her injuries are self-inflicted and they are life threatening it can be diagnosed as attempted suicide, and in this State that is a crime. My guess is she's not talking, that's why all the suspicion." Rena said and folded her arms across her chest, her agitation very evident in her body movements.

"What about James or John? Why won't they let them in?" He asked.

"Because they both came in with me, which makes them suspects as well." She answered, her eyes glued to where Justin and John stood talking to the officer. James was at the admissions desk talking to the nurse.

"Fuck, well maybe they'll let me in." Brian said.

Rena laughed a bit hysterically. "Forget that, you heard the officer, now he wants to know where YOU were tonight. Consider yourself another suspect!" Rena fumed.

Brian pulled out his cell phone.

"Who are you calling?" She asked.

"Carl, Deb's boyfriend. He's a cop. He'll help us get in, he can vouch for me." Brian said, and then walked away from her to make the call. There were no cell's allowed in the hospital.

Rena went back to where John and Justin stood leaving Brian to make his phone call.

Justin saw her coming and went to her. He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a gentle squeeze.

"It's going to be fine Rena, Shane's tough." He whispered in her ear.

Rena hugged him back and closed her eyes. "God I hope so, I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have left her alone!" She cried in his ear.

Justin hugged her tighter. "Shhh...Don't go there Re. You know better." He said.

She sniffed and pulled away from him. "I can't lose her Justin, I just can't loose another person I love." Rena admitted.

John walked up to them. Rena saw him and rushed into his arms. Justin noticed how she clung to him as if he were her life support. John held her and talked softly to her, she seemed to calm down.

Justin was a bit surprised at Rena's reaction to John. That relationship was obviously more involved then he or Brian realized. The last conversation they had about John was the night Brian accused her of not being up front with John about her feelings. Brian may be right about her not being up front, but he was wrong about her feelings. He thought John was more serious about the relationship then she was, Justin could see now that Rena was very serious about John. Right now, John was the glue holding her together.

The police officer came up to them.

"Where is the man that was here earlier?" He asked

Justin turned on him. "Why do you want to know?" He said in a very menacing voice.

"I'm here." Brian walked up behind Justin and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Detective Horvath is out on a case right now, but as soon as he finishes up, he's coming here. He can vouch for us." Brian informed the police officer.

"Well then, when he gets here, and IF he vouches for you, then maybe you can see her, until then, I'd like to ask you a few questions." The police officer said.

 

"Mister Kinney refuses to answer any questions without his Lawyer present." Adam Slatter informed the small group. His presence was unexpected. He immediately became the focus of everyone's attention.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!" Brian blurted out. Adam gave him a warning look.

"I'm here to see my client, Shane. She requested that I meet her here." Adam lied quite convincingly.

Brian eyed Slatter suspiciously, he wanted to deny his claim so badly, but he couldn't. Slatter could get in to see Shane as her Lawyer where as they couldn't. They needed to know how she was, and what was going on. Slatter was the only person who could get that information.

Brian swallowed the bitter bile of disgust he felt at the current situation and kept silent. He had to put his feelings aside and let Slatter help them.

"When exactly did your client call you?" The officer asked.

"That information is protected under attorney/client privilege." Adam replied.

The officer rubbed his chin and studied Adam. "How do I know you're her Lawyer?" He asked.

"Because I just told you. Didn't you hear me? Do I need an interpreter?" He turned to Brian and sighed impatiently.

"Brian, call Robert's interpreted, I think the policeman here is hard of hearing, I could be wrong though, he might just be an idiot."   
Adam taunted the officer.

Brian groaned, the man was infuriating and was going to ruin his chances of getting in to see Shane.

The officer bristled at the insult. "Perhaps I should question YOU on your whereabouts Mister. Let me see some I.D." The officer demanded, his face red with anger.

Brian cursed and shot Slatter an irritated look. Adam shrugged.

He pulled his wallet out and showed the officer his I.D. He then pulled out his cell and started to dial.

"Hey, no cell's in here!" The nurse at the station yelled at him. James turned around to see what the disturbance was about.

"Sorry, this call is more important than your patient's pacemakers." Adam said dryly. Everyone in the group gasped at the audacity of Adam's words.

"Hey, put that phone away!" The officer yelled at him.

"Arrest me." Adam said a glint in his eyes and a smile playing on his lips.

"I'm calling Judge Ramirez. I'm going to tell Judge Ramirez, who as you know has no love for your precinct after the Santiago incident, that one of the officers there..." Adam paused to read the name off the officer's badge, which also told him what precinct he was from.

.." an officer O'Malley to be exact," Adam clarified before continuing.

"is preventing a Lawyer from seeing his client." He concluded as he continued to press the digits on his cell phone.

"Now, you can take this phone away from me and arrest me, and I'll make my phone call at the station, or you can let me see my client." Adam said then put his hand over the mouthpiece of the cell. "I suggest you make up your mind fast, the phone is ringing." He said.

Brian shook his head. The fucking guy had major balls.

"Alright!" The officer yelled and snatched the cell out of Adam's hand. He quickly flipped it shut.

"Down the hall to the right. The nurse will take you there. But the doctor trumps you! If he says you can't see her, then you can't, Lawyer or not!" The officer said.

"Fair enough." Adam turned to Brian.

"I'll find out what I can. I promise." He said.

Brian nodded his head, he couldn't bring himself to thank the man, but he acknowledged his help.

Adam turned to follow the nurse.

"I assume that's Adam Slatter." Rena said.

Brian turned to look at her. "Yeah." He sighed.

"He must have followed us here." He said.

"Yeah, well I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. He's the reason she's in here and he's probably also going to be the reason why she gets out of here." Rena surmised.

James walked over to where the group stood.

"She got some stitches, she doesn't need surgery. They think she might have a slight concussion. She's conscious, but she's not talking, which is why the police are questioning us." He informed the group.

"How the fuck were you able to find all that out?" Brian asked.

James shrugged. "Part of my past training was interrogation. Certain forms of interrogation involve getting a person to reveal information through casual conversation. Done correctly, the person unwittingly reveals the information you're seeking. All it took was patience and a little subtle probing and she told me everything I needed to know." James informed them.

"Can you teach me that trick?" Justin asked. Brian shot him a warning look. Justin smiled impishly.

Rena sighed in relief. "Thank God she's alright." She turned to John and buried her face in his chest.

Brian watched John wrap his arms around his sister and tenderly rub her back as she cried against him.

 

She turned to John.

 

Part of Brian felt hurt that his sister didn't seek him out for comfort. Another man was taking his place he thought irrationally. He shook his head and smiled sadly. His little sister didn't need big brother anymore. She was outgrowing him. He didn't know how to feel about that, but he was glad that she had finally opened her heart to someone.

Rena was just as adverse to relationships as he was, but somehow John managed to break through her barriers. Just like a certain blonde he knew had broke through his.

"Hey, you alright?" Justin asked sensing the mood shift in Brian.

Brian reached out and pulled Justin to him, gathering him up in his arms. He hugged him tightly.

"Yeah, I'm fine. You know I hate hospitals." He said.

"Yeah I know. The last time you were here I was laying in a hospital bed, my head split open." Justin said and held his breath.

He never told Brian that he knew he had come to the hospital every night while Justin was there fighting for his life after the bashing. He still wouldn't know if he hadn't accidentally found out.

Several weeks after Justin was discharged from the hospital, he started physical therapy on an out patient basis. One day after a session, he bumped into one of the nurses who cared for him while he was there. She asked him how the tall handsome brunette was doing. When Justin asked who she was talking about she told him the man who came every night to watch him sleep. She said she never got his name, but thought it was odd he never came during regular visiting hours. She said she let him stay because he looked so pathetic. Brian would NOT appreciate her description of him. It was one of those things Justin hoped that Brian would tell him on his own one day, but that never happened. But like Brian said, certain things had to change. This was one of them. No more secrets.

Brian stiffened at Justin's words. How the fuck did he find out? He held Justin tighter as memories of watching him toss and turn every night in agony filled his head. A pained expression crossed his face. Justin felt his every emotion.

"Bri?" Justin frantically clung to him. He feared Brian would pull away from him. He silently prayed...God please let him accept this small truth between us. Please...

Brian spoke softly into Justin's ear. "I was so afraid that if I shut my eyes, you'd leave me. I knew during the day you were fine. You're family was with you, your doctors, but at night, well, there were only the nurses who were so under staffed as it was, I was afraid that no one would notice if..." Brian couldn't finish the thought.

Justin let his breath out. "I'm glad you were there. On some level, I probably sensed you were watching me and that's why I didn't leave. See, you saved me again." Justin pulled back and smiled up into Brian's face.

Brian leaned over and kissed him. "You got that backwards Sunshine, it is you who saved me." He corrected.

 

**********************

Adam walked into the recovery room and quietly shut the door behind him. His brief conversation with the doctor informed him that Shane was fine. She received a few stitches in her inner arm, no major veins or arteries were damaged and she had a slight concussion. The doctor also informed him that they wanted to keep her overnight for observation. Adam told the doctor that his client would make that decision, and not him. The doctor gave him a dubious look and told him he had ten minutes, then he was coming back to make his determination. Adam didn't bother arguing with the man, he would deal with him when he returned; right now he needed to see Shane.

The room was way too bright. God he hated fluorescent lights. Shane laid on her back on the gurney, her eyes were closed. He could tell she was breathing steadily by the slight rise and fall of her chest. He slowly walked towards her.

"I told you I'm not fucking talking to anyone. So whoever you are, get the fuck out." Shane said, her eyes still closed.

"Shane." Adam whispered her name.

Shane shot up from the gurney and swung her feet over the side, she immediately regretted the sudden movement. Her stomach lurched and a sharp pain radiated through her head.

Adam rushed to her side seeing the discomfort she caused herself. She looked like she was about to throw up.

Shane instinctively put her hand on his shoulder for support and willed her stomach settle. The last thing she wanted was to literally spill her guts in front of him. Fuck! What was he doing here? Where was Rena?

"Go away. Brian will be furious." Shane finally managed to say once her stomach calmed.

"Fuck Brian. And who the fuck is he to you anyway?" Adam said cursing himself for allowing his pain and anger to escape through his harsh tone. Shane was in no condition right now to deal with his fucking petty jealousy.

"He's Rena's brother." Shane answered and looked up. Her eyes met his; she couldn't stand to see the hurt, anger and disappointment in his eyes.

"Fuck!" Adam swore and stepped away from Shane.

"What happened?" He asked, changing the subject.

Shane shot him an ambiguous look. "I slipped and fell on a razor blade." She spat at him sarcastically.

Adam was not amused. "Did a bottle of booze accidentally slip down your throat as well?" He asked. He could smell the booze on her.  
"Fuck you Slatter. Get out." Shane said.

Adam fumed. "No, fuck you Shane. Fuck you for not calling me after what happened. Fuck you for cutting again. Fuck you for going into THAT mans arms and not letting me explain myself. And most of all, fuck you for not believing in us." Adam said.

Though they had spent only a few short weeks with each other, Adam knew his Shane. She was a fighter, but she needed something to fight for. The fact that she resorted to cutting again told him she felt she had nothing left to fight for. Well damn her, but she was going to fight for them!

Shane glowered at him. "Fuck me? You're the cause of this whole fucking mess! You're client is trying to keep Brian away from his son! You have no idea how fucked we are! Brian will never forgive you. He'll make our lives miserable, and he'll use Rena against me! I already have one strike against me where he's concerned. I can't risk another. He could turn Rena against me. She's the only family I got!" Shane put her fingers on her temples and rubbed. Her head was splitting.

Adam showed no sympathy. "Please, stop the fucking dramatics. We're not the Capulet's and the Montague's for God sakes! Brian will have to understand that first of all, I had no idea he was related to you, if I did, I would have never taken the case, and second of all, even so, it was business. It's not like he's a fucking saint! He's didn't get to where he is by playing fair, don't kid yourself." Adam spat out contemptuously.

Shane shot him a look. Adam obvious had a healthy dose of disdain for Brian. Most people did actually when they first met him. You had to get to know Brian to appreciate him; the problem was Brian didn't let most people close enough to get that privilege.

"Brian will understand exactly what he wants to. You don't know him Adam; he's stubborn and ruthless when it comes to protecting those he considers family. And because of my relationship with Rena, he feels responsible for me. He's not going to let you anywhere near me." She ruefully told him.

Adam sighed deeply. "What do you want Shane?" He asked.

Shane lowered her eyes. "It doesn't matter what I want, it's best we just part now, before either of us gets hurt." She said.

Adam made a snorting sound. "Little late for that miss slice ‘em' dice ‘em'. What's next? Should I start looking for discounts on razor blades and antiseptics?" Adam said cruelly.

Shane's looked up at him, anger blazing in her eyes. "You have some fucking nerve!" She said.

"Yes, well at least mine is intact, yours nearly got severed. Don't expect sympathy, understanding, therapy or acceptance of what you did from me. You're not on the streets anymore, you've been there, done that, and got past it. You have a loving family, too loving if you ask me, and you're smarter than this! There is NO excuse for you to ever start cutting again! What you did was just plain stupid and unnecessary. You could have called me, or talked to Rena, or even your fucking precious Brian. What the fuck where you thinking Shane?" Adam's voice cracked with emotion on that last sentence of his tirade.

Shane turned her face away from him, ashamed. He was right. It was stupid, and if she weren't so fucking drunk, she would have never done it. It was irresponsible, and dangerous, and now she was going to pay the price. Adam hated her, Rena was disappointed in her, Brian, well Brian probably wanted to ring her neck right about now, and the fucking Doctor wanted to stick her in the Psych ward. All Shane wanted at the moment was to disappear. If she ever got out of here that was exactly what she was going to do.

The fact was, she was in love with Adam. Her face twisted at that realization. Life loved to play little fucking mind games with people. The one man she could ever love in her life was the one man she could never have. Not without hurting the only other person she ever loved, Rena. Brian would never allow Shane to see Adam. He would put Rena right in the middle, and that would hurt Rena. Shane would not put her happiness above Rena's. Because of Rena, Shane lived today. If not for her, Shane would have been dead long time ago. That was the path she was on.

Shane knew Adam would have never taken the case if he was aware of her relationship to Brian. The ironic part was she almost asked him to represent Brian! God she wished she had now, but it was too late. Fate had intervened and put her smack dab in the middle of this fucked up situation. There was no solution other than to disappear. Her heart was breaking. A single tear escaped over her lash as her mind screamed in denial.

Adam watched the myriad of emotions wash over Shane's face. His heart broke when he saw the tear slip down her cheek. He went to her and pulled her into his arms.

Shane broke down and cried. Deep heart wrenching sobs escaped her small frame. Adam's body shook with his emotions as he held on to her. Her pain was his. He knew what they were up against, but he didn't care. Adam didn't lose. He simply did not lose. The thought echoed in his head and he realized in that moment that all those years of honing his skills at winning were preparation for the real battle ahead. He had to find a way to make Shane his. This was the battle destiny had been preparing him for. He would do whatever it took, use all his skills he's learned over the years, to win the one and only battle that would ever matter in his life. The one for love. For the first time he understood his "need" to win. That same need would drive him to be triumphant. The alternative was not an option.

Shane's sobbing subsided a bit and she pulled away from him. Adam used the sleeve of his jacket to wipe the tears from her face. Shane smiled sadly.

"I want to get out of here." She said.

"I'm working on it babe. I told them I'm your Lawyer. They can't hold you unless they have reasonable cause to believe you did this to yourself.

What did you tell them?" He asked

"Nothing. I'm not stupid. I know that Doctor is itching to put me up on the Psych ward. I can't go there Adam." Shane said desperately.

"Hey, do you think I'd let them do that to you? Come on fancy face, you know me better than that." Adam smiled at Shane and lifted her chin with his finger.

"I'm going to get you out of here, trust me. But first I have to go tell Brian you're ok." He said.

Shane's eyes widened. "Brian? You talked to Brian!" She asked stunned.

Adam laughed. "Did you think I wouldn't? God Shane, you really don't have any faith in me! I went to his loft for Christ sakes and almost got the shit kicked out of me by his boyfriend! Then I followed him here to the hospital! Don't you know by now I'd do anything for you?" Adam said, his eyes telling her what her heart needed to hear.

"Jesus Adam, are you crazy?" She asked shocked by admission.

"The jury is still out on that one." He said smiling.

"But that's not why I ventured into the lion's den. I did so, and will continue to do so because I love you Shane." Adam told her matter-of-factly.  
Shane made a face as if she just tasted something bad. Adam laughed.

"Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for!" He teased.

"Well what do you expect? That was the sorriest declaration of love I've ever heard! You could have at least got down on one knee and professed undying love. You're a fucking Lawyer for Christ sakes! Acting should come naturally to you!" Shane retorted and playfully pushed him away.

Adam put his hand to his chest. "My dear Shane, if it weren't for the fact that I'm wearing a two thousand dollar suit that I don't want to ruin, I'd gladly get down on my knees and confess my undying love." He said with a little too much mirth in his voice.

Shane rolled her eyes. "If you are down on your knees, talking is he last thing you'd be doing." She said.

Adam laughed. "You know me too well imp. Ok, here is the plan. First, you continue to say nothing, if they come back with more questions, tell them you have representation, and that they should talk to me. Second, I'm going to go tell your family you're fine, then I'm going to get you out of here, ok?"

Shane nodded her head. "Adam, let them know I'm sorry." Shane's eyes started to well up again.

"You tell them. You're going home tonight Shane, I promise." Adam said reassuringly.

The door opened and the doctor came back in.

"Times up. I need to check on my patient." He announced.

Adam and Shane exchanged looks. He gave her a quick kiss and turned to leave.

"When you have a minute Doctor, I'd like to talk to you and her family." Adam informed the doctor.

"Certainly." The doctor said smugly. Adam turned to towards the door; he gave Shane one last reassuring look before he left.

 

Brian spotted Adam coming down the hall first. He turned to Rena.

"He's back."

Rena was sitting on the couch in the waiting area with John. She jumped up and went to stand by Brian.

Justin went to get them coffee. James was positioned at the nurse's station once again.

Adam stopped in front of Brian.

"She's fine. Though she reeks of booze, your doing?" He accused. Fuck! What was it about Kinney that made him goad him all the time? It was like poking at a rattlesnake, and this particular rattlesnake was guarding his prize. Not smart Slatter, not fucking smart.

Brian raised his eyebrow at him. "Should I remind you of why she's here in the first place?" Brian shot back.

Rena made a frustrated sound. "Shut the fuck up. What did she say? How's her arm? Is her head still bleeding? Is she lucid?" Rena fired the questions off at Adam.

Adam immediately felt contrite. This must be Rena, and it was obvious she was sick with worry over Shane.

"I'm sorry, you must be Rena. Shane is very lucid and wants to get out of here. Her arm is bandaged up. The doctor said she received a few stitches. None in her head though, and I saw no bleeding, though she does have a slight concussion. They want to keep her for observation, which concerns me. I need your help to help me get her out." Adam said.

"Of course, just tell us what to do." Rena said. Brian snorted. God he hated this man.

Adam glanced over at Brian. "Listen, we can deal with our mutual dislike at another time, right now I need us to be on the same page. The doctor is going to come out here any minute. I need you to let me do all the talking. I spoke to him briefly and got the impression he's determined to keep Shane, at least over night, and the law backs him. I need to play hardball on this one, and I need your cooperation." Adam said.

Brian noted the urgency in Adam's voice. If nothing else, the man was passionate about Shane. He also was poison. When this mess was over, Brian was determined to keep him as far away from Shane as possible. The girl had endured enough pain in her life. Slatter was bad news. Cold as a fish, and ruthless. If he ever turned on Shane it would be devastating. Slatter was just in her life for a short period and already managed to get her to fall off the wagon. Before she met him, she hadn't cut in over six years. Brian would not let Slatter hurt her again. Shane was family and Brian always took care of family.

Justin walked up to them carrying the coffee.

"How is she?" He whispered to Brian as he handed the coffee off to Rena.

"She's fine. Slatter is going to try and get her released tonight. The doctor is coming out soon to talk to us. When he does, we're going to let Slatter do all the talking." Brian said so that Adam could hear him.

Justin raised his eyebrow at Brian. It wasn't like Brian to let someone take over like this. Especially Slatter! This must be serious. Justin nodded his head in understanding.

Rena went over to James and explained the situation.

 

The doctor came out and directed the family and Adam to a private room so they could talk. Once inside, he called the police officer in.   
Though it was Adam who asked to talk to him and the family, the doctor took it upon himself to start the conversation.

"The situation here is that we have a patient who in my, and several other doctor's, professional opinion, tried to kill herself. The alcohol level in her system was borderline toxic, the injury to her left arm was self inflicted and meant to sever a major artery. We've concluded that if not for her inebriated state, she would have hit that artery and we would not be having this discussion. In addition, there is physical evidence all over her body confirming she suffers from parasuicide, which is in essence the compulsion to self-harm. We'll be keeping her for observation and treatment. As you know counselor, the law allows us to keep her for treatment under these conditions. If you file an appeal to have her released, and the judge rules in your favor, then we'll release her. Until then, she'll be allowed no visitors for the first 24 hours. After that, if her condition is stable, family can visit her. Now, are there any questions?" The doctor concluded very confident in his decision.  
No one spoke, except Adam.

"Actually I have one. How's that God complex working for you?" Adam asked.

The doctor gave Adam a condescending look. "Mr. Slatter your unprofessional, childish behavior is not helping Shane, or her family. Her family has to understand that Shane has a psychological condition that needs treatment and observation. It's hard to accept, I understand, but it is the reality." The doctor informed him.

Adam made a face. "Please, her family knows better than anyone how crazy she is. No one is disputing your diagnosis, but you see, they've always handled things privately. Keeping Shane is not an option. It is my job to ensure she returns to her family, tonight. Which, of course is exactly what I will do. Please don't delude yourself into thinking this decision lies in your hands." Adam said.

The doctor looked at Adam as if he lost his mind. "Mr. Slatter you're uncommonly rude and not a very good Lawyer if you think I don't have the power to keep her!" The doctor stated firmly.

"I don't think, I know you don't. Now let me give you my diagnosis of the situation. You have before you a Lawyer, a very good one at that, who gets paid a lot, I mean an obscene amount of money from my client's family to keep Shane out of institutions, and you know how I do it? I find things." Adam's smile was Machiavellian.

"What does that mean, you find things?" The doctor asked, clearly confused. In fact, the whole family was confused, but no one made a move, or a sound.

"Things doctors and hospital board members don't like me to find. And believe me, I always find them. You see, with enough resources, and I'm sure you can imagine how much resources I have available between Kinnitik's global and Remington Pharmaceuticals, I can find most anything that will put a hospital out of business, not to mention ruin a doctor's career. Mrs. Peabody is well aware of this."

Adam paused and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and laid it on the small conference table in the room. The doctor eyed him suspiciously.

"I'd hate to call her at this hour, but be assured, I will. She worked on the board of Allegheny General Hospital before she took the position of Director here. Nasty place Allegheny. I was successful in closing down that facility, and managed to ruin several doctors' careers, having their licenses revoked from ever practicing medicine again. Mrs. Peabody has first hand experience of the devastation I can cause, warranted, or not. In truth, there was only one legitimate case at Allegheny, but I managed to turn it into a class action suit. You see the "reality" as you so like to point out Doctor, is that everyone has a price. Patients, doctors, nurses, staff, even police officers. I literarily bought that verdict. Contrary to popular belief, greed is the great equalizer, not death. " Adam looked over at the cop standing next to the doctor.

"Wait a minute here! You can't threaten me like that!" The doctor fumed. He turned to the officer. "Are you going to stand there and let this man threaten me? You heard him! He just admitted to obstruction of justice! You're a witness!" He demanded a similar reaction from the officer.

O'Malley eyed Slatter. One of Slatter's talents was reading people. O'Malley caved at the mention of Judge Ramirez. Any cop with principals wouldn't have. They would have stood their ground. O'Malley saw money in front of him, possibly a lot. He was taking a chance, but it was a calculated one. He sent O'Malley a look that told the officer, he would be taken cared of.

Everyone held their breath. Brian watched the scene play out before him, impressed with Slatter's skill. He too had a talent for summing people up, and he would bet with Slatter on this one. O'Malley saw an opportunity to score big. Brian could see it in his eyes.

Officer O'Malley shrugged his shoulders. "What threat? The man's a Lawyer, he's just laying out his strategy. I'm a cop, I don't understand all that Lawyer mumble jumble. All sounded too legal for me. I'm just here to make sure there wasn't a crime committed tonight. If you say the woman did it to herself, then my job here is done." He said.

The doctor's face turned white, his mouth dropped open. He turned on Adam. "You can't get away with this!" His face was distorted with anger.

Adam shrugged. "I already have Doctor. Shane will be released tonight, with or without your consent. Now, do I need to call Mrs. Peabody?" He asked.

Brian noticed a pattern here. Slatter used his cell phone as a weapon. He shuddered to think of the numbers he had in that little metal object.

"Call her. The doctor replied stubbornly.

The man truly did have a God complex Adam thought. He was playing this one down to the wire.

Adam smiled and picked up his cell. After a few seconds of scrolling down his contact list he found the one he was looking for. He dialed.

"Marilyn! It's Adam, I'm so sorry to bother you this late at night, but it seems I have a problem here at your hospital, I was hoping you could help me out."

Every ear in the room was honed in on Adam's conversation.

"Well, it could be Marilyn, that's up to you. One of your doctors is refusing to release my client. He erroneously diagnosed her as being suicidal. I can assure you that is not the case. Her family is anxious to bring her home tonight. A situation like this needs your personal touch my dear." Adam spoke in a pleasant voice.

A few minutes passed while Adam held the phone to his ear, listening to whatever Mrs. Peabody was saying on the other end. Adam rolled his eyes in frustration.

"Marilyn you know me better than that. And I'd like to remind you that I do have a father." He said when he finally spoke again.

Brian had to hold back his laugh. Slatter had the personality of a rattlesnake. He imagined not many people liked him. He couldn't for the life of him see what Shane saw in the man. By all accounts, he was exactly the type of man she'd normally stay clear of. He didn't hide who he was, at least not in front of her family, so he doubted he was anything other than himself with Shane. He could not fathom the appeal.

"This is not nasty." Adam continued. "Nasty would be getting the building department inspector in here to give your facility a thorough examination; you know how they love these old buildings. Nasty would be opening up old wrongful death suits and retrying them, pro bono. Nasty is that trip to Thailand you're son likes to make every year. All I'm asking for is the release of one of my clients. I don't consider that nasty, actually, I'd consider it a favor. One day you might need my, "nasty" services Marilyn." Adam's voice turned seductive on the last sentence.

Everyone in the room was mesmerized by the conversation. The doctor looked agitated and worried. Brian found himself begrudging respecting Adam's inventive tactics.

Adam pulled the phone away from his ear at Marilyn's response. After a few minutes he brought the phone back to his ear. He nodded his head from time to time, obviously getting an earful from the now infamous Mrs. Peabody.

"Of course. Understood. Ok already!" Adam sighed into the phone.

"I'll put him on now. And Marilyn, thanks." Adam handed the phone to the doctor.

"Mrs. Peabody would like to speak to you." He said.

The doctor glared at Adam and took the phone.

"Yes Mrs. Peabody?" He said then waited to speak again.

"But Mrs. Peabody the young woman......" His words were obviously cut off by the woman on the other end of the phone.

"I understand perfectly. I'd like it on the record that I object to this ruling, and will be bringing it up to the board." The doctor challenged.

"Very well. Goodbye." The doctor closed the cell and threw it on the table. His demeanor turned threatening.

"You filthy bastard! You better pray you never come through this hospital while I'm on duty!" He leaned over the table and snarled his threat.

"I just love when doctors take their "hypocrites" oath so seriously!" Adam taunted.

"That's Hippocratic." The doctor replied.

"Whatever. We'd like her signed out. Now." Adam was done playing with the man. Shane must be freaking out wondering what was taking them so long.

The doctor stormed out of the room. The police officer followed him.

"Well, that was pleasant." Adam said and picked his cell up from the table.

"I hope he didn't break it." Adam sighed as he examined the phone.

They all started piling out of the small room.

Rena held Adam back. "Thank you." She said. "We haven't been formally introduced, I'm Rena Cardie." Rena extended her hand.

Adam smiled at the woman. He liked her. Shane adored her, and unlike her brother, she didn't automatically judge him. He went to shake her hand.

Brian reached over and pulled Rena back.

"You've done your job Slatter, you can go now." He said pushing Rena behind him.

Adam was about to respond when a shrill voice interrupted his thoughts. They all ran out to see what the commotion was.

Emmett stood at the nurse's station screeching for answers. He was wearing what looked like pajama pants, and a bathrobe. Fluffy slippers covered his feet.

 

Brian groaned.

James cursed.

Justin laughed.

 

James went over to calm his lover. "Emmett!" His tone was ominous; he did not like the scene Emmett was making.   
Emmett turned around at James voice, tears of relieve filled his eyes.

"Oh my God James! I was so scared! You left a message saying you were at the hospital! What happened, are you alright?" Emmett ran to him and started checking him for injuries.

"Stop this nonsense now!" James demanded. "I told you I was taking Shane to the hospital!" He said.

Emmett huffed and put his hands on his hips. "Well for fuck sakes I could barely hear the message anyway. Fucking bad cell phone connection! I thought something had happened to you!" Emmett glared at James.

"Hey Emmett, cute outfit." Brian walked up to them, Justin at his side. They were both laughing. Brian noticed Emmett was wearing the Rolex James bought him. God did the man sleep with it!?

Emmett stuck his tongue out at Brian. Brian made a face back.

Rena went to sign papers for Shane's release.

John was talking to the police officer.

"Hey Brian, can you come here for a second." John called over to him.

"James, take sleeping beauty here home before they put HIM in the Psych ward!" Brian teased then turned to join John.

 

"What's the problem?" He asked.

John gave Brian a worried look. "The officer wants fifty thousand dollars!" He whispered.

Brian looked around for Slatter. He was nowhere in sight. He turned to O'Malley. "Twenty five. Non-negotiable. Remember, there were five other people in that room that can dispute you. I suggest you take it." Brian said.

John pulled Brian back a bit so the officer couldn't hear him. "I would have given him the fifty, that's not the problem, he wants cash and he wants it now! I don't have that much cash on hand." He whispered.

Brian frowned and approached the officer again. "We can give you a check tonight, but if you want cash you'll have to wait till the morning." He said.

"Thirty cash." O'Malley responded. "And I want it now, I won't wait till the morning."

Brian turned to Robert. "I can get about ten grand together tonight, I won't be able to get the rest until the morning.

John shook his head. "I'll have to drive up to the lab, that will take me about an hour there and back." John said.

Brian frowned in thought. "Wait a minute, I got an idea." He said.

He walked over to where James and Emmett were still arguing.

"Hey Honeycutt, I need something from you." Brian said.

Emmett scowled at him. "What do you want? And don't call me Honeycutt." Emmett huffed.

"I need your watch." Brian said.

Emmett's mouth dropped opened. "You CAN'T BE FUCKING SERIOUS!" He screeched.

James shot Emmett a look.

"Em, I wouldn't ask if it weren't important. I promise to replace it." He said.

James reached over and took the watch off of Emmett's wrist. Emmett pouted and stomped his foot. Daggers flew out of his eyes and into Brian's chest. Brian cringed.

James leaned over and whispered in Emmett's ear. "I'll replace it, with a bigger and shinier one." He said and kissed Emmett's cheek.

Emmett put his hand to his spot James had kissed and looked at him, shocked. James NEVER kissed him in public! He took the watch out of James hand and threw it at Brian. He then threw himself into James arms.

James grunted but relented and held his lover.

Brian shook his head. He returned to the police officer with the Rolex.

"Will this do?" He asked.

O'Malley took the watch from Brian and examined it. He had confiscated enough stolen watches to know the real thing when he saw it. He whistled low. The face was jewel encrusted. The diamonds alone were worth over twenty grand.

 

"Yeah, it will do." He said and pocketed the watch. "Nice doing business with you boys." He winked at them and sauntered away.

John and Brian looked at each other.

"All's well that ends well I guess." John remarked.

"Yeah, well I have a feeling we're no where near the end." Brian said. He went to collect his small family.

It was time they all went home.


	43. The Park

“The worse guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.”

~ Ayn Rand

 

“YEAHHH!” Rena put two fingers in her mouth and whistled loudly, a trick Brian had taught her when they were kids.

“YOU DID IT BEAN!” She clapped her hands frantically, tears of joy spilled down her cheeks.

Brian held his balance and smiled over at her. He clenched his fists and raised his arms high over his head.

“THIS ONE’S FOR YOU ANDY!” He screamed to the sky above.

Rena jump up and down like a cheerleader. Brian laughed. Truth was, he had perfected this back in college, but no one but Rena could appreciate the magnitude of his accomplishment.

“FOUR MINUTES!” Rena screamed. “FOUR FUCKING MINUTES!” She laughed and hooted her joy.

Brian kept the bicycle up on its back well, his arms in the air, for four minutes. It didn’t beat Andy’s record, but then again, he didn’t want to. Andy was king of the “Frozen Wheelie” as the kids in their neighborhood dubbed it. Andy was a God to them. No one was able to accomplish this feat no less beat his record. Andy’s record was eight minutes. For eight minutes he held that bicycle up on its back wheel, hands held up over his head without losing his balance. It was fucking amazing! It defied all laws of gravity, but Andy did it, and he taught Brian how to do it.

Andy lived to see Brian accomplish the act, but back then he only could hold the position for about thirty seconds with out falling. Still, Andy was proud of him and that’s all that matter. Years later, Brian perfected the stunt. He remembered showing Lindsey in college. He was so excited that he had finally mastered it; Lindsey however, did not share in his enthusiasm. Not that she wasn’t impressed, she was, but it rang flat to Brian. Rena’s reaction was exactly what Brian had felt having achieved success at the Frozen Wheelie. It was his tribute to their brother.

“FIVE MINUTES! WHOOO HOOO! ANDY ARE YOU WATCHING?!” Rena’s voice was horse at this point. She could not contain her excitement and Brian could not be happier. The moment was amazing, Rena was amazing and he was fucking amazing! He only wished Justin was here to see him. Justin knew about the Frozen Wheelie. Brian had told him about it one night in New York when he showed Justin the picture of Andy. He knew Justin’s reaction would mirror Rena’s. Not only did Justin appreciate a good bike trick, Justin understood the emotions connected to the Frozen Wheelie.

The bicycle started to waver.

“Re, I can’t hold it much longer, is it six minutes yet?” Brian hadn’t attempted this since college. In college, he could hold it for six minutes. He was a tad older now, and out of practice.

Rena looked at her watch, “Just twenty more seconds Bean, HOLD ON!” She cheered him on.

Brian strained to keep his balance. Fuck this was much harder than he remembered. 10, 9, 8, 7,…he counted down in his head. Fuck Kinney, don’t lose it now!

4, 3, 2, 1,……….”FUCK!” Brian felt the bike waver under him but he refused to jump off. He had to hold it to that last second. The last thought he had in his head was the number “0” before gravity won out and he lost his balance. The bike felt like it was kicked out from under him and he landed hard on his side.

Rena cursed and ran to him.

“Fuck Bean, why didn’t you jump off!” She scolded as she helped him sit up. Brian groaned in pain.

Rena ran her hands over him checking for broken ribs. Brian pushed her away.

“I’m fine, just bruised.” He laughed.

“Six minutes Re. Impressed?” He winked at her.

Rena shrieked her approval and threw herself against him giving him a big bear hug. The sudden attack caused them both to fall back against the cold grass.

“Umph!” Brian made the agonizing sound as he hit the ground, again. Rena wasn’t a kid anymore. She body slammed him with such force it knocked the wind out of him.

“Jesus Re, have you been training with James?” He said and rolled her off of him. Rena laughed.

“Of course, as if James would let me get out of shape. How do you think I maintain this fabulous figure?” She said and posed for his benefit.

Brian laughed and heaved himself up from the ground. He grabbed Rena’s wrist and pulled her up with him.

They stood, staring at each other quietly sharing the moment, and the memories. The good ones. Silly smiles played on their faces.

“God I miss him.” Brian said.

“Me too.” Rena said and sighed.

Brian retrieved his bike and checked it for damages. “Well at least it survived unscathed.” He said. Rena laughed.

He walked the bike over to the bench in the park they were at. He and Rena both sat down and enjoyed the morning Sun. It was unusually warm for November. Thanksgiving was only five days away. Maybe that’s why Brian was feeling so at odds. It would be his first Thanksgiving in a very long time with his sister. The fact that he probably wouldn’t see his son this holiday was putting a damper on what should be a very happy occasion.

Rena and Deb had planned this big holiday meal. Justin and James of course had their hands in it. They decided to have it at Rena’s house since it was big enough to hold their whole clan. It was bitter sweet for Brian, but that wasn’t the whole of why he was feeling out of sorts. It was Justin.

Justin wasn’t himself since the “episode”. Brian was becoming increasingly worried. A full week had past and Justin was still distant. Even in the bedroom, where things were NEVER distant between them, Brian could feel it. Not when they were actually fucking, thank God, but right afterwards. Justin always ran out. He did it again this morning.

They stood in last night, which was unusual for a Friday night, but Brian wanted some alone time with Justin. The sex was amazing, Brian was sure it was a turning point and Justin was finally getting over his anger. Justin was wild; there was a desperation to his fucking that was tangible. It was as if Justin hadn’t fucked him for ages, or expected not to for a long time. Whatever the reason for his mood, Brian took him over and over until they both collapsed from exhaustion. But when he woke this morning, Justin was gone. Not a good sign. Brian took his shower alone and headed to Rena’s house. Thoughts of Andy plagued him today, which prompted him to bring his bike. He was glad he did. His mood had lifted considerably.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Rena said sitting next to him.

Brian squinted at the Sun and leaned back against the bench. He stretched his long legs out and crossed them at the ankles. His arms were draped over the back of the bench.

“Has Justin talked to you?” He asked casually.

Rena stiffened. “About what?” She asked cautiously. Tonight was the night. Brian had been on edge for the past few days now. She knew he sensed something.

Brian shrugged. “I don’t know. Anything. He’s been a bit distant lately.” He said.

Rena put her hand over his thigh. “He’s worried about you, that’s all.” She said. She wasn’t going to lie to Brian, but she wasn’t going to give any more information then necessary.

 

“Yeah, well he’s starting to worry me.” Brian said.

Rena frowned. “You’ve always worried too much.” She said.

Brian exhaled loudly. They sat in silence for a while.

Rena closed her eyes and let the sun warm her face.

“I love him you know.” Brian said out of the blue.

Rena kept her eyes closed. “I know.” She replied.

Brian shifted on the bench. “I can’t lose him Re. I won’t survive it this time.”

Rena looked over at him. “Bean what’s wrong? Justin’s not going anywhere, you know that.”

Brian let out a bitter laugh. “Do I know that Re? Do I really?” He asked giving her a pointed look.

Rena looked at him with a pained expression. If Justin wanted to know the root of Brian’s behavior, he should just look in the mirror. Justin was the greatest joy in Brian’s life, and his greatest fear.

“There are no guarantees in life, we both know that. But look at the odds? At the rate you’re going, you’ll die way before he does.” She tilted her head and studied him.

“Or is that your plan Brian? Are you trying to ensure you leave before him?” She asked.

Brian snorted. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about your reckless drinking, drugging and fucking. You chain smoke, don’t eat, and you’re a workaholic. Sounds like a man whose flirting with death. And now your sudden need to have your rights to Gus back? Why? So you can have more time with him so he doesn’t forget you when you’re gone?” Rena was flirting too closely to the truth.

“Don’t play the shrink with me sis. I’ve always been a heavy drinking, an over achiever and a fucking slut. Doesn’t mean there is some deep hidden desire to kill myself. I’d be more worried about Shane if I were you.” Brian dismissed Rena’s theory.

“Don’t think I’m not.” Rena huffed.

“Yeah, well then why are you playing messenger between her and Adam?” Brian asked.

Rena laughed. “You found out huh?”

“I’m glad you think it’s funny. I told you I don’t want her talking to that man.” Brian said.

“He’s not. I am. Jesus Brian, let this go. Adam is going to tell Lindsey and Mel when they get back that he can’t represent them. What more do you want? Keeping them apart is not helping Shane. I’ve talked to him. There is more to him than the condescending arrogant prick he likes to show everyone. Actually, he kind of reminds me of you.” Rena smiled impishly at Brian.

Brian shot her a menacing look. Rena bit her lip to stop herself from laughing.

“What do you mean when Lins and Mel get back? We’re did they go?” Brian asked.

“I don’t know. They went on a family vacation I guess. Adam said they wouldn’t be back until Monday.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. She just left out the part where they left Gus with Deb for the weekend. Justin wanted to surprise Brian with a visit with Gus. Deb was bringing him to the loft tonight.

“Where’s John today?” Brian asked changing the subject. “You two have been inseparable for weeks. I’m surprised he’s not up your ass today.” Brian said a little too caustically.

Rena cringed. She knew exactly how Brian felt. She felt the same way when she first met Justin. For the longest time it was just the two of them. Both had sworn off love forever, knowing the pain it caused. But then Brian showed up in New York with Justin, and Rena saw it. Her brother had fallen in love. It hurt her at the time, and now Brian was feeling the same pain seeing her and John together.

“Do you know what I did that first night in New York?” Rena asked referring to their reunion.

Brian eyed her suspiciously. “As I recall, we spent the night catching up, and getting stoned.” He said.

Rena let out a small laugh. “I mean after you left.” She clarified.

“No, what?”

“I called Viv and told her I lost you.” Rena confessed.

Brian turned to her, “You what? Why the fuck would you think that!” He said clearly agitated, and confused.

“Because of Justin. I saw it that first night, how much you loved him and I thought, I lost my Bean.” Rena turned to look at him.

“Do you know what Viv said?” She asked.

“What the fuck would Viv know about us?” Brian snorted. Not liking this conversation.

“She told me that I couldn’t lose what I never had.”

“Bitch was never subtle.” Brian said. His was staring intensely at Rena, not sure where she was going with this. He was surprised she had felt that way. She should know nothing could ever come between them. Their bond was forged years ago; even death could not break it. Just like Andy’s death had not diminished their bond with him. After all these years, they both still loved him, and were loyal to his memory.

“I was jealous. Viv was right. I never thought either of us would fall in love. Not after…..” Rena’s voice caught in the back of her throat.

Brian pulled her to his side and rubbed her arm soothingly. “I know.” Was all he said.

“Anyway, it was Justin who made me realize that I could never lose you.” Rena smiled up at Brian.

Brian laughed. “How did Sunshine manage to do that?” He asked, not surprised that Justin was able to ease Rena’s fears. After all, he was her knight in shinning armor.

“By accepting me as part of you. Justin loves you so completely, that by extension, he loves those that are “part” of you. Like Gus, and me. I’ve never seen that kind of love before. He opened himself up to me. No reservations, no hesitation. At first, I didn’t understand the instant connection between us. It was eerie. I soon came to realize that it was “our” love for you that connected us. I didn’t lose you Bean, I gained Justin.” Rena snuggled against Brian.

“Justin adores you Re, you know that.” He said.

“I know. And you should know you’ll never lose me, you are however, gaining John.” Rena looked up at him to catch his reaction.

“So you are in love with him.” He asked unnerved.

“I think I am.” Rena said and held her breath.

Brian hugged her. “I think that therapist you are seeing is doing some good. I never thought I’d hear you say that. And, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know its John. He’s a good man Re. Probably too good for you. So don’t fuck this one up.” He teased.

Rena elbowed him. “You’re such an asshole.” She laughed.

Brian mussed her hair and smiled at her. “So I’ve been told.” He said.

“So what other breakthroughs have you had in therapy?’ Brian asked.

 

He went with her to her first session, as he promised. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. He had a good feeling about the doctor. He didn’t ask too many questions, and didn’t pretend to be able to solve everyone’s problem. He told them the best they could hope for is to gain knowledge and insight into accepting things they couldn’t change and to develop the skills to change the things that they could. Brian liked his philosophy. Rena had been seeing him for the past several weeks now.

A few minutes passed before Rena answered.

“We talked about the night Andy died.” Rena said and squeezed Brian’s arm.

They never talked about that night before. Neither ever broached the subject. It was as if it never happened. That was how they both dealt with the horrors of their childhood. They blocked those memories out completely, and when they threatened to surface, they beat them down with booze, sex and drugs. Brian was right to send her to therapy. It took Justin walking in on her having a seizure; otherwise she would have never gone. Through therapy she was learning to coming to terms with what happened to her, Brian and Andy. She brought her demons out to face them and found that they weren’t going to destroy her.

She remembered those words James spoke to her in New York when she asked him how does a man deal with his demons. He said, “He can just not deal with them, which is very bad, because then they will deal with him. Or he can make peace with them, taking away their power.” She was taking the power away from her demons by making peace with them, and there was one particular demon both her and Brian shared that they both needed to make peace with, and she had to do this now, before tonight.

Brian’s mind went blank at Rena’s words. He would not think about it. Not now, not ever. It was a long time ago, the dye had been cast. No good would come from digging it up again. He started to rise from the bench. Rena gripped his arm tighter.

“Brian, listen to me. If you love me, then you have to let me talk about it. You don’t have to say anything, but I do. It’s part of my healing.” Rena saw he wasn’t moving. She tried again.

“I can’t keep it buried anymore, it’s hurting me. Please, Brian…..” Rena pleaded.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and lowered his head. He dreaded this day; he had hoped he could get through life without ever having this conversation with Rena. He didn’t’ know if he could take hearing her tell him how she felt about him murdering her brother. He was perfectly content to believe she had forgotten, or blocked it out, this way she could never hate him for what he did. But he was the one who sent her to therapy. What did he expect? Of course her seizures where somehow routed in that terrible night. He looked down at her and saw the desperation in her eyes. He deserved this, but more importantly, Rena needed this to heal. He sat back down next to her.

Rena sighed in relief. She began tentatively. She could not live with the guilt any longer. She needed Brian’s forgiveness.

“Losing Andy devastated the both of us. I can’t imagine the pain you must have felt, continue to feel. The pain I caused.” Rena’s voice cracked.

Brian snapped his head around, astonished at her words.

“What are you talking about? You didn’t do anything! I was the one, not you.” He said, emotions strangling his voice.

“It should have been me.” Rena said almost too quietly. Brian wasn’t sure if he heard her correctly. He stared at her, somewhat stunned.

“NO...” He started to refute her, but she cut him off.

“Andy told me that morning that he was going to kill himself. I knew Andy believed with all his heart that he was damning his soul forever by committing suicide, but he didn’t care. His pain and suffering were too great. I should have been the one to end his pain, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was a coward.” Rena took a deep breath.

Brian turned Rena around to face him, his movements quick and frantic. “DON’T you fucking EVER say that! Oh my God Rena! You’re beliefs were as strong as Andy’s! Your mother.., OUR mother would have never forgiven you. She would have never forgiven ME if I had let you do that!” Brian’s words were harsh and filled with pain.

“Please, Brian, let me finish!” Rena demanded. Brian held her stare, but kept quiet. His emotions were literally choking him. He couldn’t speak.

“Andy knew what I was thinking, he always did. He told me not to worry. He said and I quote, “Brian will take care of everything.” I knew what he meant. And God help me but I felt relieved.” Rena’s voice cracked, she was crying. Brian held her closer.

“I’m so sorry Brian, I’m so fucking sorry.” Rena sobbed against him.

“Shhh..stop it Rena. I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this guilt! You’ve nothing to be sorry for!” He hugged her close.

“My God, and all these years I feared you hated me for killing Andy.” He said.

Rena wiped her tears on Brian’s jacket and looked up. “Killing Andy? You saved him! My God Brian, you not only saved Andy’s soul from eternal damnation, you’ve saved mine! Murder ranks right up there with suicide.” She responded.

Brian smiled. “Well so does being Gay, according to your religion, so you see, my soul was already damned. But you and Andy, well you both have a shot at going to heaven.” Brian said half serious.

Rena’s face grew very serious. “Your soul will NOT be damned Brian. Andy would never let that happened.” She said.

Brian heard the unflinching certainty in Rena’s voice and believed her. Maybe there was hope for him. After all, Andy was on the other side and Andy always had his back.

“Rena, I have no regrets about Andy. None. All these years the only thing I’ve regretted was that you saw it. And, well, that and that it wasn’t me instead of him.” Brian confessed.

“Jesus Brian, don’t say that. Do you think Andy and I would be any better off right now? No one deserved to die. Except Emilian.” Rena spat out his name as if it were poison lying on her tongue.

She still hadn’t come to terms with the rape. She couldn’t tell Brian about that yet, she had to work through so many other issues first. One step at a time. She knew better than anyone else the importance of not rushing the healing process. All those years of training, and helping others and the one person who needed it most she couldn’t help. Herself.

“Well, that deed is done. Thank God.” Brian said and leaned back against the bench.

Rena took a deep cleansing breath and lifted her face to the wind.

“Do you feel that Bean?” She asked after a few minutes.

“What?”

“Free.” Rena said.

Brian picked up her hand and brought it to his lips. “I never thought we would be sitting here one day talking about that day. You have no idea how freeing it is to know you don’t hate me.” He said, tears glistening in his eyes.

Rena leaned over and kissed his cheek. “And you have no idea how freeing it is to know you don’t regret the position we put you in.” She said.

“There was never a choice Re. It WAS my place, not yours. Fuck! We should have had this talk years ago.” Brian said frustrated. He hated that his sister was carrying around this guilt. Fucking Emilian! He wished he were still alive so he could go kill him, himself.

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we talked about it now.” Rena said.

Brian agreed.

They sat for the first time since Andy’s death, finally at peace with that night. They held hands, each lost in their thoughts.

“Yeah,” Brian broke the silence.

“I feel it.”

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Justin unbuckled Gus’s car seat in the back of his Audi. “Let’s go find Da Da Gus!” He told the boy.

Justin had picked Gus up earlier at Deb’s house.

She had called Justin this morning to let him know Mel and Lindsey dropped Gus off last night, that if he wanted, he could take him to spend the whole day with Brian. Justin jumped at the opportunity and went to pick Gus up.

Gus was excited to see Justin. He ran to him and jump into his arms. “Dustin! Dustin!” Gus said and hugged him tight. Justin laughed. God he loved Gus.

“Da Da?” Gus asked. The boy was way too smart. He knew seeing Justin meant that Da Da must be near by.

“Yes Gus, we’re going to see Da Da!” Justin reassured the boy. Gus let out an excited whelp.

“I’ll see you at seven then.” Deb said.

“Thanks Deb, you have no idea what this is going to mean to Brian.” He said.

“Yeah, well let’s hope some time with his son will mellow him a bit for tonight.” She said with a worried look on her face.

Justin frowned. He wasn’t going to think about tonight. At the moment, all that mattered right now was getting Gus to his “Da Da”. Tonight was all set. Let the chips fall where they may, he wasn’t backing down.

“Whatever happens Deb, I just want you to know I’ll never forget all your help, and support, and I’ll never regret what we’re doing.” Justin said, tears stinging the back of his eyelids.

“It will be fine, you’ll see. You’re doing the right thing Sunshine.” Deb gave him a pat on the cheek.

“Ok Gus, time to go. Give Grandma Deb a kiss goodbye!” Deb went and took Gus from Justin and gave him a big hug and kiss. Gus made a face and wiped his cheek. Deb’s kisses tended to be a bit sloppy when it came to kids. Justin smiled at the memory.

He was so excited to bring Gus home to Brian. The disappointment he felt when he returned with Gus to an empty loft was deep. He called Rena’s house. Shane told him that Brian came there this morning with his bicycle and took Rena to the park. He turned right around and headed for the park.

Gus thought it all a grand adventure. “Find Da Da! Find Da Da!” He chanted. The boy thought this was some grand hide and seek game.

 

Justin lifted Gus from his seat and closed the car door. He looked around the park and spotted them. They were several yards away sitting on the bench. The bicycle was to the left of them. Justin smiled. He had a hunch what Brian was doing with the bike.

Gus spotted Brian before Justin could point him out.

“DA DA!” He screamed and started running towards his father. Justin took off after him laughing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Brian and Rena heard Gus’s yell at the same time. Brian turned in the direction of his son’s voice. He sprung to his feet.

“GUS!” He yelled back and ran towards his son.

Brian closed the short distance between them with several long strides. Gus jumped up into his father’s arms laughing.

“Find Da Da!” They boy said proudly. He hugged his father tight. Brian rubbed his cheek against his sons, tears spilled over onto his face, his eyes closed as he basked in the feel of his son.

Justin walked up behind them. Brian opened his eyes and Justin’s heart broke. The joy in Brian’s eyes was so intense. How could those cunts think of keeping him away from his son?

“Find Da Da!” Gus was giggling. Brian looked at Justin.

“We had to go looking for you. I wanted to surprise you at the loft. Mel and Lins went away this weekend and left him with Deb. Deb said I could take him for the day. He thinks we’re playing hide and seek.” Justin explained.

Brian made a mental note to thank Deb. She always came through for him. He couldn’t believe she pulled this off. He knew she somehow convinced Mel and Lins to leave Gus with her. They would never ask her on their own. Mel was too fucking proud, and stubborn to ask for help. Oh, she’d take it when it was given to Lindsey from him, but she would never ask herself.

Brian pulled his son back to look at his face. God he loved his boy.

“You sure did Sonny boy! How would you like to spend the day with your old Dad?” Brian asked.

“YIPPPPEEE!” Gus screeched. Brian laughed.

Rena came up behind them. “Hey Gus!”

“Re Re!” Gus leaned over and gave his aunt a quick hug and kiss then put his arms back around his father’s neck.

Rena laugh. “Ok, I get it. Da Da comes first.” She said.

Justin looked over at the bike.

“Hey Gus, ask Da Da to show you the Frozen Wheelie.” He said looking up at Brian.

Brian’s eyes snapped to Justin’s. A smile spread across his face.

“So my boy wants to see the Frozen Wheelie, huh?” He said grinning.

“Yeah, both your boys want to see it.” Justin replied and winked at him.

 

And Brian was more than happy to show them the stunt.

Gus and Justin’s reaction to the Frozen Wheelie was just what he expected. Ridiculously Exuberant and filled with love. He never felt happier.

The last thought Brian had as they left the park was, “It doesn’t get much better than this.”


	44. Prelude to an Intervention

“It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution”

 

~ Oscar Wild

 

“Sponge Bob, Sponge Bob!” Gus voiced his request loudly as he jumped up and down in front of the 54” LCD TV screen.

“I don’t want my son watching Sponge Bob. It might turn him gay.” Brian commented as Justin went to put in the DVD.

Justin looked over at Brian. He was sitting on the floor with his son.

“One can only hope.” He sighed. Brian laughed and tackled Gus, tickling him.

Gus screeched and giggled uncontrollably. They spent the entire day in pretty much the same manner. Carefree and silly.

After Brian dazzled them with his bike performance they hung out in the park for a while. Gus wanted to do the “Bozen Beelie”, as he called it. Brian granted his wish. He sat him on his lap on the bike seat and popped a wheelie. Gus squealed in delight and made Brian do it over and over again. He must have popped at least 20 wheelies.

Things just got better from there. Brian took Rena, Justin and Gus to McDonalds for lunch. Gus’s choice of course. Justin laughed at Brian’s expression when he saw the menu. He wouldn’t touch the food and complained that the place was filled with germs. Gush however, loved the indoor gym and Brian loved watching Gus play. His son’s joy mirrored in his eyes and the beauty of it took Justin’s breath away.

After that, they hit the zoo. Rena didn’t join them; she had to get home to get ready. She told Brian however, that she was meeting John.

The zoo was an adventure. Especially the petting area where Gus got to feed the baby goats. ALL the baby goats. There were so many of them and they descended on Gus in droves looking for the treats Gus held in his little hands. Brian and Justin had to hold them at bay, letting only one or two at a time near Gus so he could feed them without getting trampled. Gus wouldn’t leave until he fed each and everyone of the goats. Brian and Justin had to maneuver the goats in and out of Gus’s vicinity so that each got fed. The whole scene was pretty comical. More than one goat drooled on them which elicited a few groans and curses from Brian. But with each groan, or curse, there was also a laugh and a smile. Justin couldn’t remember a time when he saw Brian so happy.

After the zoo they hit the video store where Gus got to choose. Apparently Gus was a major Sponge Bob fan. Brian reluctantly bought him a Sponge Bob T-Shirt that Gus spotted in the video store, at Gus’s urging. Justin tried to get Brian to buy a matching one for himself, unsuccessfully. Justin smiled at the memory of Brian’s reaction to that suggestion. He made a mental note to buy one for Brian for Christmas. That was assuming they were still together come Christmas Justin thought bleakly.

They got back to the loft about an hour ago, washed up and were settled down to watch the movie. Justin could tell Gus was wiped out from all the day’s activities.

“What do you say we order Pizza for dinner?” Brian said talking to Gus. Justin stood up and pressed the play button.

“Actually, Deb’s coming over with Lasagna.” He said.

 

And now it begins.

 

Brian raised a brow at him. “Really? Is she taking Gus back with her tonight?” He asked, his mood suddenly changing.

“That’s the plan.” Justin answered then went to sit on the floor by them. Gus’s attention was riveted on the screen where images of Sponge Bob now played.

“I invited some people over.” Justin leaned over and informed Brian.

“Why the fuck did you do that!” Brian snapped.

“I thought it would be nice.” Justin announced. “And watch your language.”

Brian made an annoying sound. “He can’t pronounce “F’s” yet. So I think I’m safe for the time being.”

Justin laughed.

“Who’s coming over?” Brian asked

“Mostly just the usual gang.” Justin said.

Brian frowned. Justin was being very vague. He didn’t like it.

“Just what exactly are you up to?” He asked in a dangerously calm voice.

“Why do I have to be up to something? I just invited some family and friends over. We’ll talk, and have some Lasagna. What’s the problem?” Justin said innocently.

The lobby buzzer rang. Thank God Justin thought. Saved by the bell.

“I’ll get it!” He said jumping up a tad too eagerly.

It was Deb. God Bless her soul. He buzzed her up. She was early, and Justin couldn’t be happier to see her.

“Hey Sunshine!” She greeted him at the door. Vic was standing behind her carrying a big tray.

Vic nodded at Justin. “I need to get this into the oven.” He said.

Justin let them in. He held Deb back while Vic carried the tray of lasagna into the kitchen.

“Perfect timing, though you’re early. It’s only six.” He whispered to Deb.

“I know, I wanted to talk to Brian alone, first. I know it’s not what you planned, but I need to do this Sunshine. There are things I want to say to him that I rather not have anyone else hear. It’s personal.” Deb said.

Justin saw the determination in her face and sighed. “Ok, but Deb, don’t let on about the others.”

Deb laughed. “If Gus wasn’t here, we’d break out a joint, then he wouldn’t suspect a thing!”

Justin looked at her confused. “You smoked pot with Brian?” He asked incredulously.

Deb patted his cheek. “Just when you think you know me, huh Sunshine?” She winked at him.

Justin laughed.

“Hey, we’re trying to watch a movie here!” Brian said, looking back at Justin and Deb who were still standing at the door. He waved to Vic who was in the kitchen warming the lasagna up. Vic smiled and waved back.

Deb walked into living room where Gus and Brian were sitting on the floor. She lowered herself down to sit besides them. Brian raised an eyebrow at her.

“Hey Gus, did you have a good time with Daddy today?” Deb leaned over and kissed the boy.

Gus’s attention never left the screen, but he nodded his head a few times and wiped his cheek. Deb laughed.

Brian rubbed the red lipstick left from Deb’s kiss off of Gus’s face with his sleeve. Great, another shirt ruined.

“No P O T tonight Deb.” Brian spelled out the word pot. “I’m a bad enough influence on Gus.” He smirked.

Deb elbowed him lightly. “What makes you think I want “that” anyway?” She asked.

“Because you’re here, with food and you’re sitting next to me with that expression on your face.” Brian remarked.

“What expression!” Deb asked indignantly.

“The one that tells me I’m in for some serious philosophical shit you want to share with me.” Brian leaned over and kissed the top of Gus’s head. Gus was sitting between his legs.

“I only get philosophical when I’m high.” Deb protested.

“That’s why I hid my stash.” Brian retorted.

“Don’t think I can’t find it. When you were living with us, I always found your stash.” She said.

Brian looked over at her. “Really? Then why didn’t you take it away?” He asked

Deb sighed. “Cause I thought you needed it.” She said.

Brian looked at her puzzled, but said nothing.

“I was wrong.” She said.

Brian held her gaze, trying to gauge what she was saying. He spoke quietly, as not to upset Gus who was very engrossed in the movie.

“Wrong about what?” He asked cautiously.

Deb let out a bitter laugh. “About a lot of things kiddo. But most of all, about you.” She dropped that one on him unexpectedly.

Brian geared himself for the lecture he was sure to come. Obviously he must have done something to piss Deb off. Again. He was not however, going to have her berate him in front of his son.

“Not now Deb, not with Gus here. You can ream me out another time.” Brian stated firmly.

Deb shook her head. “Jesus Brian, is that all you’ve come to expect from me?” She asked, already knowing the answer.

Brian gave her a spry look. “Not all, you also make one hell of a lasagna.” He said.

“Speaking of lasagna,” Justin walked into the living room and reached down to pick up Gus.

“Lets go Gus. It’s time to eat your dinner.” He said cheerfully.

“No eat! Sponge Bob!” Gus pulled away from Justin and folded his arms across his chest.

Justin stood up and sighed. The boy was definitely Brian’s son. That “no” was all Brian. Justin heard it enough to recognize it. Stubborn mules, the both of them. He looked to Brian for support.

“Come on Sonny boy, do as Justin says.” Brian said to his son. Gus shook his head no vehemently; a scowl fixed on his little face. Deb laughed at the scene. Brian shot her a look.

“We could use a little help here “MOM”.” Brian said.

“Hey Dad, you need to learn like the rest of us did, the hard way.” She said.

“Gus, you can finish watching the movie after you eat. And if you eat all your dinner, you can have ice cream. Would you like that?” Justin tried again.

“NO NO NO!” Gus yelled and pouted angrily. Justin frowned. Brian smiled.

“He has to eat Bri, he’s over tired now, and he can’t go to bed without dinner.” Justin reasoned.

Brian rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

Brian got up and shut the TV off. Gus wailed his disappointment.

“Well that was brilliant.” Justin said sarcastically. He went to pick up Gus.

“Leave him be.” Brian said. He folded his arms and stood staring at his son sternly. Gus threw himself to the floor and kicked and screamed.

“Gotta love a good tantrum.” Brian said. “Fortunately dealing with your tantrums Sunshine has given me some experience in this.” Brian smiled at Justin.

Justin made a face at Brian.

Deb tactfully stayed out of it.

After a few minutes of uninterrupted screaming and kicking, Gus started to quiet down. When Brian determined Gus was calm enough, he spoke to him.

“Gus, go eat your dinner. If you don’t eat your dinner they’ll be no more Sponge Bob you won’t get any ice cream.” He said.

Gus sniffed away the last of his tears. “Ice cream?” He asked deciding he was going to get something out of this. Gus, like his father, did not like to lose.

Brian smiled at his son’s ploy. “Yes. After you eat.” He said.

Gus got up and went to Justin. Justin picked him up. Brian leaned over and kissed his son.

“Good boy.” He said. Gus Beamed. Then Brian kissed Justin. “You too.” He added, a wicked smile spread across his handsome features.

Justin gave him one of his 1000-watt smiles, which always took Brian’s breath away, then carried Gus over to the kitchen leaving Deb and Brian alone in the living room.

“Very good Brian. Though I’m not surprised. You’re a natural at being a father.” Deb said.

Brian sat back down on the floor next to her and snorted. “I have no fucking clue how to be a father Deb. I think you know that.” He said.

“What I know, is that being a father isn’t something you can learn. It comes from inside. Yes, there are fathers you can model after, but “real” parenting comes from trusting your instincts. I’ve never seen anyone with better instincts than you Brian. You always know what someone needs, sometimes before they do. Like with Michael.” Deb said.

Brian gave her a dubious look. “What are you talking about?” He asked.

“You’ve always known what Michael needed.” Deb said. She shook her head sadly; her eyes were suspiciously glassy. Brian furrowed his brow. Something was up with Deb.

When she spoke again her voice was low, and strained. “You know kiddo, the first time I saw you I knew you were trouble.” She said.

Brian let out a small bitter laugh. “I know.” He said.

“No, you don’t.” She said giving him a direct look. Brian returned it silently.

“You see, I saw you and knew “I” was in trouble, not Michael. You were just what Michael needed. The day Michael met you, I lost a big part of him.” She said honestly.

“Deb, what the fuck are you talking about? I never seen a son more devoted! Fucking Mikey worships you, and you know it.” Brian said annoyed.

“Yes, he loves me, I’ve never doubted that, but he stopped needing me when you came into his life. And I resented that. God forgive me, but I did. I was always everything to Michael. His mother, his friend and his confidant. I was the one he came to when the other kids would pick on him, and they did, often. He had no friends, I was his friend, and I was fucking selfish enough to be content to have it that way for as long as Mikey needed me to be.” Deb paused.

Brian didn’t know what to say. Deb was in a mood, and he didn’t know how to deal with it, so he just looked away.

“Before you he hated being gay, did you know that?” She asked.

Brian looked over at her. “He didn’t hate being gay Deb, he just didn’t know how to deal in a society where being gay isn’t acceptable.” He said.

“No Brian, you are wrong. I know my son. He hated himself. He wished he wasn’t gay. He thought God had punished him. I use to hear him at night crying. Even though he knew his uncle was gay, it was different for him. He wasn’t Vic. Vic was sophisticated, well traveled, and successful. He wasn’t around much when Michael was growing up. He was jet setting with Armand.” Deb spat out his name.

“Then when Vic came back, positive, Michael was devastated. He saw his sexuality as a curse, not as the gift you made him see it for.” She said.

Brian didn’t want to hear this. Deb giving him credit for doing something good for Mikey? No, it was just too weird. He was more comfortable when she was blaming him for all Michaels fuck ups.

“I remember the first day he met you. He came home from school, that very day, a different boy. Excitement bubbled from him as he told me about this “cool” new kid in school he met. He told me how you pushed a kid into the locker for calling him a fag. I still remember the shocked look on his face when he said, “And Ma! He’s gay! Can you believe it?” Deb laughed. So did Brian.

“Yeah, that sounds like Mikey. Pathetic.” Brian said smiling over at Deb.

“You became his friend, his confidant, his role model. All the things I wish I could be. He wouldn’t be the man he is today if it weren’t for you.” Deb said.

Brian made a face. “Fuck that Deb. If anything I was a bad influence on Mikey. I gave him his first cigarette, his first joint, his first taste of whiskey, and I got him laid for the first time with some guy who dumped him the minute he pulled out. Mikey was heartbroken.” Brian said remembering how hurt Mikey was when the trick Brian set him up with left without so much as a thank you. Brian thought noting of it. After all, it was just sex. But Mikey wasn’t like him, he learned quickly. Mikey didn’t do casual sex very well.

“Can’t deny any of that. But you also were the one who did his homework for him when he was falling behind. You stuck up for him every time some asshole bothered him. You let him drag you into his comic book world when you really couldn’t give a shit about it, but you pretended to be just as excited about Captain Astro as he was. And you’re still pretending. You never let him settle, you always pushed him, expecting more from him.” Deb shifted her position on the floor. She was starting to cramp.

“Listen kiddo, no one has better instincts about what’s best for Michael then you do. Not even me. Remember last year when I was so stuck on Michael being with that doctor?” She asked.

Brian laughed bitterly. “Yeah, that turned out great, didn’t it?” He said caustically.

“My point exactly. You didn’t like the good old doc from day one. When I asked you to let him go, you did, in that grandiose Kinney style of yours that I didn’t appreciate, but you did it. But you didn’t do it for me, did you?” She asked.

Brian didn’t answer.

“No, you outed him for other reasons. For years you’ve been on him about not being out at work. You saw my request as an opportunity to force Mikey to stand up and be a proud gay man. You knew things would never have worked out with the doc. He was never a threat. But Mikey being ashamed of being gay was unacceptable to you. You loved him enough to risk your friendship to free him of the binds of that heterosexual fantasy he was living at that job of his. You knew THAT was the real treat to Mikey. Not being true to himself.” She said.

“Don’t kid yourself. I outed him cause you were right. He needed to be free of me. I had no idea it wasn’t going to work out with the doc.” Brian said.

“Oh you knew alright. From day one you hated David. I thought at first it was because you were a selfish prick who didn’t want to share Michael. But then, when Ben came along, you didn’t’ say a word. And Ben is positive! I couldn’t believe you weren’t screaming your head off. I was! But your instincts told you that Ben was the one for Michael. You were right, and you supported him, even though your heart was breaking knowing that his love for Ben, could one day destroy him.” Deb said

Brian’s chest tightened at Debs words. It was true; Mikey was in danger of being hurt, and bad. It was just more proof that love devastated and if one was smart, one would stay fucking clear of it at all costs. He looked over at Justin who was sitting at the dining room table with Vic and Gus. Yeah he thought, if one were smart. He obviously wasn’t. He loved Justin, and he feared one day, that love would devastate him. He mentally shook himself. He needed to get his emotions under control.

“Deb, you’re deluding yourself. Where the fuck is all this melodrama coming from anyway? Are you fucking menopausal again? I thought that was last year?” Brian said sarcastically.

“No asshole, I’m being serious! I’ve never told you this and I need to. God knows if I’ll ever get another chance the rate your going!’ Deb snapped back.

“Please, not you too! Has Justin been fucking talking to you?” Brian asked.

“No, Mikey has. He’s been talking to me for years Brian. You think I don’t know? For years you’ve been spiraling downhill. I didn’t see it though. Mikey did. I just chalked it up to you being you. Big, ballsy, fuck ‘em all, and I mean ALL, never want to get old bad boy Kinney. But I was wrong. Mikey tried to tell me you were in trouble, but I wouldn’t listen.” Deb said.

Brian sighed. “Mikey is a fucking drama queen. Your version of my lifestyle is dead on. I know my faults Deb. I’m vain, egotistical and selfish. I didn’t get to where I am by being soft. And don’t make me say soft again so close to my dick.” Brian smirked.

Deb threw him a disapproving look.

“I am a hard person emotionally. I’m a hard drinker, hard fucking, hard working machine. I attack life, I don’t sit back and let it attack me.” Brian concluded.

“Bullshit. And don’t interrupt me again. I’m not here to argue the virtues or ills of your lifestyle, be it as it may. I’m here to tell you thank you. That’s all. And to tell you that both Mikey and I love you.”

Brian pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He rested his chin on his knees and let out a small breath.

“I know Deb, I love you guys too.” He said quietly.

Deb reached over and hugged him. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear. “Then for God sakes Brian, get help. I’m begging you. I can’t lose you and Vic. Please…” Her voice trailed off, too choked with emotion.

Brian turned his face away from her, not wanting her to see the tears forming in his eyes. They sat there like that for a while.

 

“Da Da all done!” Gus ran up to his father. Brian was never happier for the interruption. He gathered his son up in his arms.

“Ice cream Da Da! Ice cream!” Gus said excitedly.

Deb smiled at father and son. “If not for me, then for him.” She whispered to Brian.

Brian heard her but chose to ignore it. He held his son tight and closed his eyes. “For him”…Deb’s words echoed in the back of his head.

Justin walked over with a bowl of ice cream. “He wants to share it with you.” Justin said and handed the bowl to Brian.

Brian took the bowl and scooped some ice cream onto the spoon. He fed it to his son. Then he scooped some up for himself. They sat there eating the sweet dessert.

“Hey Sunshine, help me up will you! My ass is killing me!” Deb said.

Justin laughed and reached down with both hands and hoisted Deb from the floor. He made an over exaggerated painful sound as he lifted her.

“Watch it Sunshine! School holiday break is coming up and that midnight shift at the diner has your name on it.” She threatened.

Justin looked immediately contrite.

“Ok kiddo, as soon as Gus is finished, Vic and I are going to take him back to my house. He looks pretty tired.” Deb said.

Justin was glad Deb came early. Originally, he planned to put Gus down in their bedroom to sleep while Deb started the “intervention.” Then when she was done, she’d gather Gus up and take him back to her house so he wouldn’t be present when the real “shit” hit the fan.

This way was better. Deb came through once again, and by the looks of it, her conversation with Brian didn’t seem to have a negative affect on him. He’d have to ask her about it tomorrow. If he lived through the night.

Brian looked up at Deb.

“Thank you.” He said. Justin heard the meaning in those two little words. He wondered if Deb understood the magnitude of Brian’s “Thank you.”

Her eyes welled up. “You’re welcome kiddo.” She said.

Justin breathed a sigh of relief. So far so good.

He looked at the clock. 7:00 p.m…..


	45. The Intervention

“If the unexaminded life is not worth living, then the unexamined past is not worth possessing; it bears fruit only by being held continuously up to the light, and is as changeable and as full of surprises, pleasant and unpleasant, as the future”

~ Brendan Gill

 

Rena sat in the car with James and looked up at the tall building that housed her brother’s loft. Her chest felt heavy. This was not going to be easy, but it was for the best she reminded herself. The alternative was unthinkable on so many levels.

Her mind drifted back to the day Justin stood in her living room, one week ago tonight frightened, and desperate. The conversation played itself over and over again in her head as she steeled herself for the evening’s events…

 

“I fucking can’t believe it Rena! Mr. Goodbars’!” Justin paced in front of the long white leather couch in Rena’s living room.

“Justin, calm down. He’s home, he’s safe. Thank God James found him!” Rena said as she lounged on the couch.

“ I just don’t understand. I know Brian likes to live on the edge, but bare-backing! Did you know that’s how he got into that place?” Justin asked, emotion heavy in his voice.

“It was a long time ago Justin, and circumstances were very different. Brian would never put himself at risk like that now. I think you are over reacting.” Rena tried to consol him.

Justin huffed in disgust and stopped to face Rena. “He’s getting worse Re, and I don’t know how to stop him.” Justin’s frustration was tangible.

Rena was at a lost as how to consol him. Justin continued his pacing; she could see his mind working furiously.

He suddenly stopped, and turned to face her, his eyes were dark and intense. His face took on an eerie determination.

“What if I went to Goodbars’?!” He asked in a dead calm voice. “Maybe THEN, he’d realize how serious a problem we have.”

 

And those words have stuck with Rena since. She knew Justin was angry and wouldn’t really go through with his threat, but it was there, and for a split second, Rena saw the determination in Justin’s eyes to do what ever it took to show Brian what he was doing to himself. The boy was way too impulsive and acted on instincts, and his instincts were screaming to save Brian, even if that meant sacrificing himself.

That’s when Rena decided to suggest the intervention to Justin.

 

“Domina, it’s time. The others are arriving.” James interrupted her thoughts.

Rena looked out the car window and saw Emmett pull up with Ted and Mikey. She took a deep breath.

“Let’s go.” She said and exited the car.

Emmett was the first to spot them. “Yoo hoo!” He yelled over to them waving his arm in the air to get their attention.

They all met up at the front entrance of the building.

“Hello baby.” Emmett greeted James and went to kiss his cheek. James tactfully put his hands on Emmett’s shoulder to prevent him from making the contact and smiled at his lover.

Emmett sighed his disappointment. “Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.” He said and smiled.

“Mom’s already here.” Michael announced.

“What? That wasn’t the plan!” Rena said annoyed at this unexpected turn of events.

“If Brian suspects what we’re up to he won’t let us in.” She said.

“Yeah, well I couldn’t stop her. She said she needed to talk to Brian alone. Vic went with her.” Michael said, clearly just as annoyed as Rena.

“Jesus Christ! As if this wasn’t going to be hard enough….”

The door to the building opened and Deb exited with a sleepy Gus. Vic was behind her. She was smiling.

“Deb, oh my God! How did it go?” Rena asked anxiously.

Gus stirred and buried his face deeper into Deb’s shoulder.

“Shh…!” She scolded Rena.

“He’s just drifting off. It went fine. I just said my piece, he doesn’t suspect a thing.” She said.

Rena let out a relieved breath. “Thank God. How did you do it?” She asked.

“Honey, I’ve been talking to that boy since he was 14! He’s use to my meddling. This time though, he knew it was more than just motherly meddling. I told him the truth, something I should have done long time ago.” She said and looked at her son.

Michael gave his mother a puzzled look. He wondered what truth she was talking about. Whatever it was, he had a feeling it involved him.

“I have to get Gus to bed.” She leaned over and kissed Michael.

“Be strong baby.” She told him.

Michael made a face.

“Well, well, well. Would you look at that. Who invited her?” Ted said as he saw the woman walking towards them.

All five heads turned to see who Ted was talking about.

“Fuck!” Michael cursed.

“Watch your mouth!” Deb said and motioned to Gus.

“Justin invited her, so be nice.” Deb said.

The woman got closer. Rena felt a familiar stirring with in her. She knew this woman. The face was familiar…

“Joan Kinney.” The words came out of her mouth.

“Now this is interesting.” Rena said. Justin had to know that Brian was estranged from his mother, why would he invite her? This was not good. Brian was going to flip.

She turned to James. “James, she can’t be here, Brian won’t be able to deal with all of us, and her.” She said.

James nodded. “I’ll send her away, don’t worry Domina.” He said.

“You will do no such thing!” Deb said.

“It’s what Justin wanted, and we WILL respect his wishes!” She hissed, trying to keep her voice low so as to not wake Gus.

“Deb, you don’t understand, things happened back in New York, things that she allowed, that Brian still hasn’t dealt with. It will be too much for him.” Rena tried to explain.

“I know all about it honey. Brian told us before he left to pick you up in New York. What you don’t understand is that Brian has been taking care of Joan since his father died. No one knows about it, Justin found out by accident. He went to talk to her and he feels she needs to come clean with him about her part in his ugly past. Our Sunshine knows what he’s doing. I think we should trust him.” Deb advised.

Rena groaned. She had no idea Brian still spoke to his mother. They hadn’t talked about her in years. He never wrote about her, and she never asked. She just assumed he cut her out of his life. She wouldn’t have blamed him if he did.

Joan walked up to the group. She was carrying a box in her hands. She stopped in front of Ted.

“Hello Theodore. Nice to see you again.” She said stiffly.

Ted smiled and nodded his acknowledgment. He had been dealing with Joan for the past year now. Since Brian’s father passed away, Brian had been taking care of Joan financially. Jack left her penniless. Occasionally she would visit Brian at his office, but that never ended well. As a result, Ted was the person Joan came to for help. Ted thought it odd when Brian came to him and put him in charge of Joan’s welfare. He gave him permission to set up an account for her and give her a monthly stipend. He didn’t want any part of it, he left it all to Ted. If Joan needed something, she contacted Ted. The only thing Brian had a hand in was the renovations to Joan’s house. Ted chalked that up to Brian not trusting Ted’s taste in home décor.

“Hello Joan, I didn’t know you were coming.” Ted said.

“Justin invited me, he didn’t tell me others would be here. I was hoping to speak to Brian alone.” She said, as her eyes critically scanned the small group in front of her before they rested on Rena.

“Do I know you?” She asked.

Rena forced a smile to her face. “Hello Mrs. Kinney, it’s me, Rena Cardie, do you remember me?” She asked.

Joan’s brows went up. “Good God, you’re still alive?” She said abruptly.

“Brutal bluntness must run in the family.” Rena said sarcastically. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but yes, I’m still alive.” Rena fumed.

Joan had the good grace to look embarrassed. “No, no, you misunderstood me. We were all devastated to hear about your brother. When we moved we heard from neighbors that you disappeared, we feared the worse. We thought your father……” Joan let her words trail off.

When the Cardie boy died, rumors flew of the circumstances surrounding the boy’s death. No one knew exactly what happened, but Joan found out years later that the boy had died from AIDS. When the daughter went missing and the father disappeared shortly after, everyone assumed the worse.

“No, my father didn’t kill me. Though not from lack of trying. It was your son, Brian who saved me. He took me away from that house and sent me to live with my Aunt Viv.’ Rena told the woman whom for years, she detested.

“Brian? How could he, he was only 14?” Joan asked.

“He was always a very resourceful boy. Being abandoned at such a young age taught him many different survival skills.” Rena replied.

“I’m sure he picked up one or two at your house as well.” Joan retorted.

“Hello Joan, how are you?” Deb interrupted the exchange. She didn’t like where the conversation was going. There was obviously no love loss between these two. But this wasn’t about them; it was about Brian.

Joan smiled at Deb. She always liked the woman. They went to the same church, and they shared the same affliction. Both their son’s were gay, only difference was Deb accepted it, Joan couldn’t.

“Hello Debra. Nice to see you again. Are you coming up?” She asked.

“No, I got to get your grandson here to bed.” Deb said.

Joan’s face went white. “My what?” She asked.

“Fuck.” Deb cursed out loud, heedless of Gus who stirred again against her.

She should have known that Brian never told his mother about his son. He barely talked to the woman. She only found out he was gay this past year. Oh well, shit happens. Sooner or later she would have found out. Deb shrugged it off.

“Joan, this is Brian’s son, Gus.” She made the introduction.

She moved so she was standing sideways, giving Joan a view of her grandson.

“He’s two and a half.” Deb said.

Joan looked with awe at the beautiful boy lying on Debra’s shoulder. Her face suddenly softened, a smile played on her lips.

“Such a beautiful boy.” She whispered. “He looks just like Brian did at that age.”

Deb smiled. “Brian must have been a beautiful baby. You must come by my house one day and show me some baby pictures.” Deb invited.

Joan smiled at her. “I’d like that.” She said.

 

“It’s time we go up.” Rena said. It was past seven, Justin must be worried.

Deb turned to leave. “Nice to see you again Joan.” She said. Joan nodded in agreement.

“Good luck!” She said to the group. “Michael, call me tonight, I don’t care what time it is!” She demanded.

“Alright! Don’t worry Ma, it will be fine.” Michael said. Deb said her goodnights and left.

“Cyn’s not here yet. I’ll wait here until she arrives.” Ted offered as he looked around to see if Cynthia was nearby. She was running late.

“Ok, when she arrives, buzz up. If we’re still alive, we’ll let you in.” Rena said half jokingly. Michael groaned.

Emmett went to push the buzzer.

“Don’t, I got a key.” Rena said and opened the lobby door.

Michael, Emmett, Rena, James and Joan entered the building….

*************************************************************************

Brian watched as Justin fluttered about the kitchen. He was carrying stacks of dishes to the dinning room table, along with plastic dinnerware, cups and napkins. The lasagna was sitting in the middle of the table. It was all very casual.

“What’s this? A picnic?” Brian asked. He wasn’t feeling right about the evening. Deb had unnerved him, and Justin’s little impromptu gathering was starting to concern him.

Justin looked up from the table. “Actually it’s more of an “outing.” “ He said.

Brian arched a brow. “Um, in case you haven’t heard Sunshine, I’ve been out for a while now.” He said tongue in cheek.

Justin laughed. “Who said it was YOUR outing?” He sighed dramatically and stood up to face Brian.

“I know this is going to come as a shock to you Bri, but I feel it’s time you knew. I’m straight.” Justin could barely keep a “straight” face.

Brian laughed.

“No, no. It’s true.” He said dramatically.

“Ever since I saw Barbraella., I’ve been wanting to fuck Jane Fonda.” He confessed, hand on his heart.

“Um, Sunshine, has anyone told you Jane Fonda is in her sixties now?” Brian teased.

“So? I’m use to fucking the elderly.” Justin said with a smirk.

“You little Brat!” Brian reached for him. Justin couldn’t move out of the way fast enough and found himself in Brian’s arms.

He moaned as Brian nipped and nibbled on his neck. “Bri stop!” He gasped.

Brian stopped and held him tight. “What do you say we cancel this “outing” and have some “in” time.” Brian drawled seductively.

Justin stiffened in his embrace. “I can’t! They’ll be here any minute.” He said.

Brian grew serious and hugged Justin tighter. “Cancel it.” He whispered into Justin’s ear.

Justin could hear the anxiety in Brian’s voice and his heart lurched. He knew Brian’s instincts were screaming at him that something was wrong.

The grating sound of the loft door sliding open alerted them to visitors.

Brian looked up and saw Rena push open the loft door. He sighed and reluctantly released Justin.

Justin turned around to greet his guest.

“Hey Re!” He called out.

Rena smiled and waved at Justin then stepped aside to let the others in. Emmett was the first to enter. He immediately walked over to Brian.

“Brian!” He greeted exuberantly and gave him a big hug, effectively blocking his view from the door.

“Honeycutt what the fuck are you doing?!” Brian snapped and pushed him away.

“Why congratulating you of course!” Emmett said.

Brian raised his brow. “I know being Brian Kinney is a fucking accomplishment in itself, but other than that, I haven’t done anything that warrants praise.” Brian retorted.

“Well I can’t think of a better reason, so. Congratulations on being fucking Brian Kinney!” Emmett hummed.

“What the fuck are you on!” Brian said starting to get annoyed with Emmett’s antics.

Emmett smiled an indulgent smile at Brian. His goal was to delay Brian’s reaction to seeing his mother there. They could have bought some time if it were just the usual round of suspects, but having his mother here was going to set off all sorts of alarms. He knew a storm was about to burst upon them. Emmett suddenly realized that he was standing right in front of hurricane Kinney.

Justin walked over to Rena and silently closed the door behind Joan who was the last to enter.

“Thanks for coming.” He whispered to her. Joan just nodded her head and held the box in her hands tighter to her. Justin offered to take it from her but she adamantly shook her head in refusal.

Brian had yet to see who entered his loft; he was still dealing with Emmett.

“I’m not on anything!” Emmett huffed. “But if you got drugs, I could sure use some right about……” Emmett stepped away from Brian, giving him full view of who just entered his domain.

“now.” He said.

Brian looked over and saw his mother standing in his loft. His eyes immediately shot to Justin’s. Justin held his gaze, refusing to look away.

“Oh this is fucking priceless.” Brian said in an eerie calm voice, which belied the intensity of his stare.

He looked at the small group gathered and folded his arms across his chest. The realization of what was about the happen, hit him.

“I may not have your SAT scores Sunshine, but I can still add things up.” He drawled, condescension heavy in his tone.

“Let me guess…my dear sister the shrink is here to facilitate the evenings events and for psychological support. Her bodyguard is here incase I decided to run from this farce. My best friend came to relive our past so that I can come to terms with my present sorry state” His mocking tone was becoming more pronounced as he continued.

“.. my birth mother’s presence is to demonstrate that it’s not my fault, alcoholism runs in my family, and Emmett is here for comic relief I assume.” Brian categorized.

“Only one missing is Ted, the poster child for recovering addicts.” Brian finished and put his tongue in his cheek as he surveyed his so-called friends and family in front of him.

“Honey, Ted is downstairs waiting for Cynthia.” Emmett said.

Brian shot him a deadly look. Emmett stepped back.

“Brian, I’ve invited our family and friends here because they have all been affected by our problem. You live as if what we do doesn’t affect those around us. Well it does, and they have a right to express their feelings. That is all they are here to do. Nothing else. This is really about them. You don’t have to talk, just listen to what they have to say. Of course I can’t force you to, but I’m asking you to just listen. That’s all. Then what ever you decide afterwards, I’ll respect.” Justin said.

“Very thoughtful of you Sunshine. Any other requests?” Brian’s tone was patronizing, and dangerous. Justin felt his heart hammer in his chest.

 

Joan walked forward. “I have no idea what is going on here. I only came here because I have something to give you Brian. I am not part of any of this.” She said.

Brian’s eyes turned to his mother. “Please mother,” Brian used the name as if it were vile, “spare me your bullshit. How much did Justin pay you to come here?” He asked accusingly.

Joan sneered at her son. “Don’t waste your time insulting me. I don’t care. I’ve gotten numb to it over the years. I’m here to give you something. I don’t even know why I still have it, but well….” Joan paused and looked down at the box in her hands, a sad expression past over her face.

She took a deep breath and held the box out to Brian. “Do what you want with it.” She said.

Brian looked at his mother skeptically.

He took the box from her outstretched hands.

“What’s this? Old photo’s of our happy little family?” Brian’s words dripped with sarcasm.

Joan stood silent, refusing to take the bait.

Brian let out an exasperated sigh and opened the box. He looked back up at his mother.

Brian’s eyes reflected his confusion. Inside the box were old photos of a man he didn’t recognize, some letters and other small personal items.

“They belonged to your uncle. My brother.” Joan said.

“I have an uncle?” Brian asked then laughed bitterly. “Why am I not surprised. Tell me, Joanie, what other secrets do you have? Might as well spill it now, after all, tonight was set up for that, wasn’t it Sunshine?” He shot Justin a cutting look. Justin stood his ground, but said nothing.

“I never told you about Aidan because I wasn’t allowed to talk about him. Your father wouldn’t allow it. He died at the age of 21.” Joan’s eyes welled up. Brian never saw his mother cry. In fact, he didn’t think a colder woman lived. But right now, Joan was on the verge of tears.

“He was like you.” She said

There was a collective gasp in the loft. Brian stood looking at his mother, shocked. His eyes harsh.

“How did he die?” He asked, dreading he already knew the answer.

Joan steadied herself. “He was murdered because he consorted with other men.” Joan said brusquely.

Brian could hear Justin’s gasp, but he refused to look at him. Memories of the bashing were too raw for the both of them. Joan’s recounting of her brothers death brought forth the reality of how close Justin came to being…….Brian couldn’t finish the thought.

“Back then those types of crimes were never really investigated. I don’t know the details. My family never talked about it. “ Joan explained.

“My parents refused to go to his funeral. They were too ashamed. But I went, against their wishes. I stood there with the priest at his grave. I thank God to this day, that the priest was there to ask God to absolve him of his sins.” Joan’s confession left everyone speechless.

Brian stood glaring at his mother, his body tense.

“I was never ashamed of Aidan. I loved him. I knew about his sin, but that did not stop me from loving him, or praying for him. When I found out you were like him, it didn’t change my love for you, but it did rip my heart apart. You are sinning against God, and I couldn’t bear it if you were punished as Aidan was.” Joan shifted her eyes.

Brian let out a long breath. They were never going to agree on this. The fact that his mother believed her brother got killed because God punished him for being gay made him both sad, and sick to his stomach. It didn’t matter though. The problems with his mother started years ago when she basically gave him away. She only found out he was gay this past year. This little revelation about having a gay uncle changed nothing.

Brian looked down in the box. There was a picture of his mother, young, and beautiful he noted. She looked happy. She was standing next to a tall handsome man with auburn hair.

He sighed deeply and placed the box on the table. “What do you want me to do with these? They belong to you.” Brian said.

“When I die, and I’m sure that’s not too far off, I don’t want what’s left of Aidan destroyed. I want you to keep the box and when your time comes, pass it along to someone you feel would honor his memory as well. There is no one else in our family who would do that.” Joan said.

Brian was floored by what his mother was asking of him, and why. Though she would never actually come out and say it, she was leaving her gay brothers memory to her gay son’s keeping. The fact that she even acknowledged her gay brother after all this time was astonishing to him, knowing her strong beliefs about homosexuality. A small part of him hoped she would do the same for him, should his time come before hers.

“And that’s why you’re here? Justin had nothing to do with it?” Brian asked suspiciously.

Joan huffed. “That boy is brazen and rude!” She said.

Brian had to smile at that. “You don’t know the half of it.” He said.

“He barges into my house and starts insulting me! I can’t believe you’re still consorting with him!” She shot Justin a menacing look.

Brian looked over at Justin who was turning a bright shade of red. “I can’t believe it either.” He replied.

“He did however remind me that I am going to die soon, and that it would be a shame if I died without tell you I loved you. So that is why I am here.” Joan said.

Brian raised his brow. “That’s it?” He asked.

Joan bristled. She was not a demonstrative woman by nature. The fact that there were people witnessing her declaration of affection was making her squirm.

“What else do you want? You’re my son, and I love you.” She said.

Brian laughed. “Gee MOM, thanks! That was heartfelt. I feel much better now!” He looked back over at Justin.

Brian was on a roll. “Just one thing “mom”, tell me, I’m curious, where was this “love” when you gave me to the Cardies?” His tone was hostile.

Joan pulled herself up. “How can you ask me that?” She said indignantly.

Brian gave her an incredulous look.

“Do you remember the first beating your father gave you?” She asked.

Brian’s face went blank. Justin recognized that look. He was putting his mask up. Joan hit a nerve.

You were three years old! You had just been potty trained and had an accident one night in your bed. Your father took his belt to you. You were three!” Joan said forcefully.

“He said I babied you, and if I couldn’t do my job right, then he would. I knew then that I had to get you away from him. Maria Cardie was a kind loving woman. She took you in and I let her. I had no idea about the evil that went on in that house after she died, I only knew of the EVIL that existed in my own house!” Joan spat out at Brian.

Brian had a vague memory of that. He had long forgotten about it, until just now. He was speechless; still, he wasn’t about to forgive his mother so easily, but he did have a better understanding of why she did what she did.

“Maria Cardie was a good mother. You can take solace in that if you want.” Brian said in a low, tired voice.

Joan nodded her head.

“Good. Will you keep the box?” She asked.

Brian looked down at the box on the table. In that small cardboard box lied the whole of a man’s life. How fucking depressing Brian thought. And Brian didn’t do depressing.

“Whatever.” He said, knowing already if he didn’t keep the box, Justin would. He was sentimental like that.

“Thank you.” Joan said. “Maybe someday you’ll pass it down to your son.” Joan threw in.

Brian’s eyes shot up to her. “So you met Gus.” He said.

Joan smiled. Her features softened. “Debra showed him to me downstairs. He looks just like you did when you were that age.” She said.

Brian looked away. “Yeah, well, he is a looker.” He said.

Joan straightened her shoulders. “Are you a good father?” She asked.

Brian laughed bitterly. “I’ve no idea how to be a good father.” He said.

Joan huffed. “Of course you do. You have it in you. You care. There was no reason for you take me on as your responsibility after your father died, I know I’ve not been a good mother, or any kind of mother. Still you felt obligated, even though you didn’t love me. If you love your son even a little bit, you’ll be a great father.“ Joan said with all seriousness.

Brian was literally speechless. He didn’t know how to respond. It was the first compliment he’s ever heard from his mother.

Joan took one last look at the box lying on the table, and then turned her attention back to her son.

“And stop consorting with young boys. Or else you’re going to hell.” She just had to add. She couldn’t let the compliment stand-alone.

“Especially THAT boy.” She turned and pointed at Justin.

Brian grunted. “Yeah well right now I’m starting to see the merit in being straight.” He said. Then regretted it the moment he saw the hope in his mothers’ eyes.

“Forget it Joan. I like fucking guys too much. Just not THAT particular guy at the moment.” Brian looked pointedly at Justin.

Justin physically cringed. So did Joan at Brian’s vulgarity.

“I’m leaving.” She said.

“Ah don’t leave now Joanie. You don’t want to miss the rest of the night’s entertainment, do you? I’m sure Justin has a lot more planned.” He said and pulled the chair to the dining room table out and slumped down into it.

“So whose next?” He said and leaned back with his hands clasped behind his head.

“Oh me, me!” Emmett said clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

Brian sighed. Leave it to Honeycutt to make a mockery out of a mockery.

Joan looked at Emmett with disgust. “No thank you, I think I’ll leave.” She looked to Brian.

“I’ll say an extra prayer for you tonight.” She said and headed for the door. She never even took her coat off during that whole exchange.

“You do that Joanie. I’m gonna need it.” Brian said tongue in cheek and watched his mother walk out of the loft.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. The mood in the room relaxed, just a bit.

Emmett sat down at the table and faced Brian.

“Ok, that was intense. You’re mother scares the shit out of me.” He said.

“Yeah, me too.” Brian said.

Michael and Rena sat down at the table with them. James stood by the door. Justin went to stand next to him. He really didn’t want to be in close proximity to Brian at the moment.

“So tall dark and gorgeous, did you know you were responsible making my debut to the Pitts a fabulously fat fucking success?” Emmett asked.

Brian raised an eyebrow. “Ok, I’ll play along, how was I responsible? Though this is the weirdest intervention I’ve ever been to. And my first too, did I mention that?” He said.

“Honey, I don’t do interventions very well. You know that. Look at the mess I made with Ted. No, you were right sweetie, you can’t stop someone who’s determined to bring themselves down. The only thing you can do is get out of their way before they drag you down with them. Your words, remember?” Emmett reminded Brian.

Brian didn’t like his own words thrown back in his face, especially in this situation, but he said nothing.

Emmett continued his story. “Justin just wanted us to come and tell you something that we’ve never told you before. I want to tell you about your part in my rise from country bumpkin, to Pittsburgh’s very own Queen extraordinaire! “

Brian snorted. “Please don’t tell me I had a part in that tragedy!” He quipped.

Emmett stuck his tongue out at him. “You really are a brat.” He said.

Brian sneered back at him.

Emmett laughed.

“Yes, you were a major part of my transformation!” Emmett continued.

“You know I’m a small town country boy at heart. Coming to live in the big city scared the bee Jesus out of me! I was hitting the bars for a couple of weeks, with no luck, being too shy and all.”

Everyone at the table laughed at that.

Emmett gave them a haughty look. “Well I was just a shy country bumpkin! But that was before Brian picked me up. He was my first trick here.” Emmett smiled brightly.

Brian groaned. Fucking Honeycutt had to bring that up.

James looked over sharply at Brian. Brian shrugged.

“Do you remember Bri?” He asked.

“Barely.” Brian replied bored.

“Anyway, I was so excited! And honored! I had heard all about the stud of Liberty Avenue. The word was you didn’t do pity fucks, so I felt special. Of course that was until you kicked me out the next morning without even so much as a thank you.” Emmett complained.

“You should have thanked me.” Brian said.

“I did!” Emmett pouted. “You really were mean Bri. If I recall correctly you said, “out trick, now.” Emmett emulated Brian’s voice.

Michael and Rena laughed.

“And this helped you to your stardom how?” Brian asked.

“I’m getting to it! Now where was I?” Emmett mused out loud.

“You were getting kicked out of Brian’s loft.” Rena said amused by this story.

“Yes, anyway, the next night I saw you standing at the bar with Michael. I came over to say hello. You acted like you didn’t even know who I was. I felt crushed, so I turned to leave, and that’s when it happened.” Emmett said.

“What?” Rena asked.

Brian shot her a look. He did not see the purpose of this story.

“That’s when Brian stopped me and introduced me to Michael.” Emmett turned to Rena and continued his story.

“I didn’t know it then, but Brian never introduced any of his tricks to Michael. You had to be pretty special to get an introduction. Word spread quickly that the great Brian Kinney found me acceptable. I soon became Mr. Popularity!” Emmett beamed.

“I don’t get it. What did your friendship with Mikey have to do with your sudden popularity if it was Brian who was the stud of Liberty Avenue?” Rena asked.

“What do you mean was?” Brian asked insulted.

Rena made a face. Emmett and Michael laughed.

“Because Brian protected Michael. He never let anyone get near him. Michael didn’t get laid half the time because the guys were afraid of pissing Brian off.” Emmett said.

“Hey! Is that true?” He asked Brian.

“How the fuck would I know!” Brian retorted. “I’m not part of the gay grapevine! Fucking ex tricks are always making up shit about me.” Brian complained.

Michael pouted and folded his arms across his chest.

Emmett turned his attention back to Brian. “I never thanked you for that introduction. Michaels friendship means everything to me.” He said and smiled over at Michael. Michael blushed and smiled back.

 

Brian snorted. “I only introduced you to Mikey to get you off my back. You looked like a potential stalker.” He said.

 

Emmett laughed. “Yeah, right. Let me tell you something Mr. Brian fucking Kinney, you are one hard son of a bitch. I can’t remember a time since when you haven’t insulted me at least once a day! You take great pleasure in ridiculing my taste in men, my career choices, my obsession with Diva’s and my wardrobe.” Emmett listed.

Brian smirked. “Have you looked in a mirror today?” He said.

Emmett ignored the veiled insult and continued.

“You also always challenge me as a man, and as a gay man. You never let me settle for less then excellence. You constantly tell me that I’m a dickless fag if I let others decide who I am. It’s because of YOU, that I have the courage to let my flame burn bright. And honey, we all know my flame is the brightest in Pittsburgh.” Emmett said proudly.

Emmett let that sink in before he continued. His tone turned serious. Brian recognized it. It was the one he used when he wanted Brian to “really” hear him, to take him serious.

 

“Brian, where I came from, being gay was a curse. I always felt I had to hide it. You changed that. You made me…, no you forced me, to be who I am, and to tell the world to go fuck themselves if they didn’t like it. I remember thinking, “how the fuck does he get away with it?” In or out of Liberty Avenue, you remain true to who you are. Even if that’s some fucked up, stoned out gay asshole, you still tell the world, fuck you. I am who I am. Deal. And I respect that. Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I hear you saying. “I don’t do pity, it makes my dick soft.” Emmett imitated Brian’s voice again. He did it pretty well actually.

Brian let out a small laugh.

“On top of that, you’ve been a good friend and confidant. I never would have gotten through Ted’s ordeal without you. You not only helped me, you helped Ted. Don’t get me wrong, you NEVER make things easy, but that’s your way of letting us know that life isn’t easy. When you’re being a real ass to me, I ask myself, why do I put up with his bullshit, and do you know what my answer is? Because he cares.” Emmett said.

 

Brian made a face. “You’re fucking delusional Honeycutt if you think I care. If I have helped you in the past, be damned sure I did it to serve some personal agenda of mine. Truth is, I really don’t give a shit about anyone’s interests, but my own.” Brian said matter-of-factly. In fact, he had the appearance of a man truly bored, when in truth, Emmett’s confession made him very uncomfortable. He didn’t like anyone thinking he actually cared. He didn’t even admit it to himself. If that were true then that would mean he was vulnerable. Brian Kinney did not do vulnerable.

Emmett huffed. “You’re so full of shit, and everyone knows it. You’ve got more compassion and love for your family and friends than anyone I know. But for some reason you’re deathly afraid of your own feelings. And do you know how I know? Because you’re using way too much booze, sex and drugs to try to kill those feelings, before you believe they’ll kill you.” He said.

Brian’s eyes grew dark. Though he kept his expression cool, he was burning inside with anger and resentment. Emmett hit a nerve. Fucking Justin! Whatever problems he had, were his problems. Justin had no right bringing his friends and family into their personal life. The fact that Emmett read him so well infuriated him. Was he that transparent?

 

“Are you done? Because it’s getting late and I’d like to hit Babylon sometime tonight.” Brian said and looked at his watch. He had to get out of here.

Emmett sighed. “Yeah, I’m done. Are you?” He asked.

Brian made a bored face and turned to Michael.

“Well Mikey, I guess it’s your turn.” Brian said.

Michael started to cry. “I can’t.” He looked back at Justin.

“I’m sorry Justin, I just can’t. I won’t risk it.” He said.

“It’s ok Mikey, I understand.” Justin smiled at him sadly. He knew Mikey loved Brian too much to risk having him hate him, or worse, having anything he might say send Brian over the edge. Mikey knew first hand what Brian was capable of.

The buzzer sounded from the lobby.

“Oh yes, that must be Ted and Cynthia. My loyal employee’s. Just in time too, the party is just beginning.” Brian said sarcastically.

Justin wanted to cry. He should have expected as much, he knew what to expect, but the reality of it was overwhelming.

He went over to the wall and buzzed Ted and Cynthia up.

“Are we having fun yet Bean?” Rena asked an impish smile playing on her face.

She knew Brian was reeling from Emmett’s words. She was surprised Emmett was so intuitive. He pegged Brian beautifully. She knew her brother was not taking this well. She had to diffuse his anger. In the scheme of things, this was not the end of the world. He had a problem, and his friends were concerned.

It was situations like this however, that Brian could never handle. It was the main reason she never told him about her father raping her. Brian perfected hiding his emotions. It was a skill he had to learn to survive during his youth. A habit he took with him into adulthood. Brian could handle bits and pieces of emotional situations, but when faced with real tragedy, or true love, Brian’s walls automatically went up. The booze, sex and drugs were mortar to that brick wall.

Right now his emotions were too close to the surface, if she didn’t do something to distract him, he was going to storm out, with our without James guarding the door. She couldn’t risk that confrontation.

Brian shot her a look. “You think this is funny?” He asked dangerously.

“Yes, actually I do. I think your reaction to this sit down is way over the top. You put Emmett to shame in the drama queen department. Just fucking suck it up and listen to what your friends have to say. If you really don’t give a shit, like you claim, why are you so upset?” She challenged.

Brian narrowed his eyes at her. He knew her game, the bitch just put him in a position where he had to just sit and listen, or admit that this whole situation was getting to him, and that was NOT an option. Brian Kinney would NOT let anyone see his pain.

He smiled at her evilly telling her he knew her ploy, and she was going to pay for it. Rena cringed a bit inside. They practically grew up together from the crib and in all that time, they never had a serious fight. She had a feeling that was about to change.

Ted and Cynthia entered the loft.

“Better put your seat belt on babies, looks like it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Emmett said to them in greeting and got up to get a soda.

“Well, if it isn’t my first and second in command at Kinnetiks. I’m touched. I wonder though, are you here because you’re concerned about me, or your paychecks?” Brian said to the newest arrivals, contempt heavy in his words.

Ted shifted from one foot to the other. “Um, listen Brian, I’m only here because Justin asked me. You know I’m not one of these reformed addicts who go around telling everyone of the evils of their ways. I agreed to come just to tell you thank you for trusting me, and giving me a second chance.” Ted looked down at the floor.

“And to tell you, that I hope to one day I can return the favor in some small way. “ He said, his meaning not lost on Brian.

“Just fucking do your job Theodore, and stay the fuck out of my personal life. That works for me, how about you?” Brian said acidly.

Ted jumped a bit nervously. “Anything you say Boss.” He replied.

Brian turned his attention to Cynthia. He gave her a pointed look. “Yes?” He drawled sarcastically

Cynthia put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “I’m not buying your fucking booze for you anymore!” She said.

“I’m fucking Vice President of Kinnetiks! Get someone else to do it!” She said then turned to Ted.

“I’m ready to go, my cab left. Can you take me home?” She asked him.

Ted nodded eagerly. He turned to Justin. “Sorry Justin, it’s the best I can do.” He said then turned to leave with Cynthia.

There was an eerie silence in the room as the loft door shut behind them.

“That was quick and pointless.” Brian said and smiled to the small group in front of him.

“All in all, I’d say this intervention of yours Sunshine is a huge fucking success. I know I feel better, how about you?” He asked his lover who was still standing by James.

Justin’s heart sank. This was not going as he imagined. Other than Joan and Emmett, everyone else was too intimidated to speak freely. He couldn’t blame them; Brian’s rage was formidable. He looked to Rena for help.

Rena’s heart went out to him. She took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to let the boy go down alone.

 

Brian followed Justin’s eyes as the sought out Rena.

“Oh yes, we’re not done yet are we? Rena hasn’t spoken. We’ll I’m listening, might as well get this farce over with. What do you have to say sis? He asked with narrowed eyes.

“Me? Nothing you don’t already know. You drink too much, you abuse too many drugs, you fuck recklessly, you smoke too much you work too hard, and none of that matters because you are happy with the status quo. If you don’t stop you are going to lose Justin and Gus, but you already know that. However I’ll still be here, I’ve watched one brother die, why not another? But hey, it’s not about me, it’s your life, do what you want. No one has ever been able to tell you how to live your life. I have only one question for you; do you think Andy would be proud?” Rena spat at him.

That got a reaction out of Brian. He stood up abruptly from the table and pushed it from him, causing Michael and Rena to jump up and of the way. He shook with his rage.

Rena had a way of cutting through the bullshit to get right to the heart of the matter. He knew she was right, he wasn’t stupid. He also knew his limits, and he knew he pushed a bit past them last week. But he had no intention of letting his addictions get the best of him. He just needed to deal with things in his own way, in his own time. Fuck! Why couldn’t Justin just trust him?

 

He cursed and kicked over his chair. The sense of betrayal knifed through him. His “loving” family had no faith in him. Justin had no faith in him. That cut the deepest. He looked over at Justin, fury burned hot in his glare.

 

“Out.” He said through clenched teeth. He couldn’t bear the sight of him right now.

Rena stepped around the table and moved towards him.

“This wasn’t his idea Bean, it was mine.” She said.

Brian narrowed his eyes at her, “And you can follow him.” He growled. He couldn’t bear the sight of her either at the moment.

Justin swallowed his fear and moved forward.

“I’m not leaving.” He said determinately.

“Then I will.” Brian said and brushed past Justin and headed for the door.

Rena reached out and grabbed his arm. He stopped and looked down at her hand.

“Bean, I had no choice but to talk him into this. He was thinking about going to Goodbar’s. I had to stop him.” She whispered for his ears only.

Brian’s eyes shot up to hers. He saw the truth of her words in them. His blood ran cold.

He turned around to see Justin starting at him, fear in his eyes.

“Mother fucker!” He barked so loud everyone in the room jumped. Even James flinched, he moved protectively towards Rena.

Brian whirled around marched over to Justin. He grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards their bedroom. Justin stumbled as Brian practically dragged him into their bedroom. Everything happened so fast he didn’t’ have time to think about the consequences.

Once inside Brian slammed the door shut and whipped his blonde around to face him.

“I should fucking straggle you right now! What the fuck were you thinking!” Brian’s heart was racing, fear and rage ripped through him. The thought of Justin in that place was too much to bear.

“Then go ahead and be done with it!” Justin screamed at him. “Jesus Brian you backed me into a corner, what choice did I have?! No matter what I tried, talking, begging, fucking, nothing stops you from destroying us! You are hurting everyone in there with your drinking and drug abuse! Forget the tricking, that’s my problem, and I can deal with it, but the drugs and alcohol are destroying you and your family! For God sakes, think of Gus!” Justin was on the verge of hysterics.

Brian’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not talking about this little farce you planned for tonight. I’m talking about you wanting to go to Mr. Goodbars.” Brian said, his eyes burning into Justin’s.

Justin stood back. Fucking Rena! He should have known she would tell Brian. Oh well, it was the truth. He had thought about it seriously, but decided it would only destroy them further.

“Oh that. And you care why?” Justin spat at Brian.

Brian truly wanted to strangle the boy. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration and turned away from Justin to calm himself.

A few minutes of awkward silence past before Brian spoke again.

“You are NEVER to even think about going to that place, or any place like that, ever. Do you understand me?” His back was still to Justin.

Justin let out a strangled sound and threw his arms up in the air. “NO I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” Justin yelled.

Brian turned around to face Justin. He saw the anguish in Justin’s eyes and his heart ached.

“I don’t’ understand why you went there! My God Brian! When you came home that night, I thought you were going to die! You were battered and bruised and you threw up all night! God only knows what you took! Thank God Rena helped me through that awful night! I never felt so afraid in my life. Tell me WHY!” Tears of anger and pain ran down Justin’s face.

He folded his arms across his chest and stared at Brian. “I want the truth damn it! I deserve it. What drove you there?” He asked, determination written all over his face.

Brian sighed and lowered his head. He pinched the bridge of his nose to ward off his headache.

“I told you, I just needed to blow off some steam. I am under a lot of fucking pressure here, I would THINK you could understand!” He retorted.

“That is such a fucking pathetic excuse! I can’t believe you think I would buy it.” Justin said frustrated.

“Try again.” He demanded.

Brian’s head whipped up, shock evident in his face. “It IS the truth!” He said.

Justin hit a brick wall. He felt it with every nerve in his body. He wasn’t getting through to Brian.

His impulsive nature took hold of him; he made a decision.

“Unless you’re willing to tell me the truth, I’m not making you any promises. I told you once before Brian, where you go, I follow. Even if it means I need to get initiated.” Justin boldly said knowing that would get a response from Brian. He knew his partner too well. When truly angered, Brian let his true feelings out.

Brian’s mouth dropped open at Justin’s words. He leaned forward and screamed into Justin’s face, heedless of who might hear him in the other room.

“YOU WILL NOT GO THERE!”

“THEN TELL ME THE TRUTH!” Justin screamed back.

“You DON’T want to know the truth!” Brian growled at him.

Justin looked boldly into Brian’s eyes. “It’s now or never Bri. Decide.” He said.

Brian snarled. His anger clouded his thinking; he gripped Justin’s arms firmly and pulled him to him. His words came out candid, and raw.

“The TRUTH is sometimes life grabs you by the balls so hard the pain owns you and not the booze, drugs or sex can numb it and that’s when you realize you’d do anything, I mean ANYTHING, to stop it.” Brian’s words gushed out of him, his emotions spilled forth as he raged.

“You want to go to Mr. Goodbars? Do you know what they would do to a pretty little boy like you? How do you think I got those bruises? Mr. Goodbar’s puts a whole new meaning to the term rough sex.” He shook Justin for measure. He desperately needed to make Justin see how dangerous a game he was playing.

Justin set his jaw determinedly. “Then why go there? Tell me.” He said.

Brian’s eyes blazed. Justin wasn’t relenting. He knew when Justin was this way there was no stopping him till he got what he wanted. His body shook. He wanted the truth? Fine. Fuck it.

“How about this for truth.” Brian hissed.

“Because sometimes I need it.” He confessed.

Justin didn’t move a muscle afraid his feelings would show and stop Brian from continuing, but his insides clenched hearing Brian confess to “needing” that kind of place. His mind flashed back to the day they had the discussion about what they each needed, and wanted. His heart sank. Brian needed it….

“When Andy was dying the only time I didn’t feel sick with fear was when I was out tricking stoned out of my fucking mind to get him drugs. I couldn’t bear to be at the house day in and day out watching him die a slow painful death.” Brian choked out. The dam was broken. He couldn’t stop the words from flowing out of him, along with the painful memories.

“Tricking and drugs became my escape. You want to hear more ugly truth? It was best when I was getting the shit beat out of me or raped by some fucking John. During those few moments of abuse, I forgot about Andy’s suffering, I forgot about everything except the physical pain I was feeling. That I could deal with. I welcomed it. It was a relief. After when Andy died, and Rena left, I went back to New York and drank, tricked and got stoned on everything and anything harder and more recklessly then I ever did before. And it stopped the pain inside. When you can understand that, then maybe you’ll understand why I went to Goodbar’s!” Brian’s eyes welled up. His body went slack.

Justin caught him and led him to their bed. Brian sat on the edge of the bed and turned away from Justin, suddenly aware of how much he had revealed.

Justin struggled to remain calm. His heart ached, he wanted to scream, cry and curse at the horror of what Brian went through, was still going through, but his mind screamed to be strong. He didn’t know how to help Brian, but he knew he had to find a way.

“I understand.” Justin said quietly.

“That was a very traumatic time in your life, and you did what you had to do to survive it. I can even understand why you first went to Goodbar’s when you thought you lost Rena. You were once again traumatized, and you couldn’t’ deal with it. Thank God Mikey was around back then. But what I don’t understand is why after all this time, you still have this “need.” You weren’t like this when we first met. That need wasn’t there. You had your “pain management” under control, it never got this bad. It’s only been in the last year…….” Justin let his words drift off.

Brian had gotten worse in the last year. Last year Justin was attacked.

Since the bashing, things slowly got worse. For the first few months after the bashing Brian was too busy helping Justin heal. Then, afterwards, they never talked about it. They made up those stupid rules and then they drifted apart. Brian never dealt with his feelings about almost losing Justin. Justin didn’t know about Andy at the time, but it all made sense now. Brian came too close to losing him, and he couldn’t deal with losing someone he loved, once again. That’s when he pushed him away and into Ethan’s arms. Now, that they were back together, that fear had returned, big time.

Brian was stuck in a place where he felt he was damned either way. He couldn’t live without Justin and he couldn’t live with his fear of losing him again. That’s why he was getting worse, trying to drown out his fear with his other distractions. Distractions that were dangerously close to killing him. Until they dealt with what happened, together, Brian was not going to be able to move forward.

Justin had never dealt with the bashing either but he had one advantage over Brian. He didn’t remember that night. He really had nothing to deal with other then the physical ramifications of the attack. Brian was dealing with something far worse, the emotional ramifications. Justin only had a few vague memories of being in the garage and Brian yelling his name before the bat hit his head. But Brian remembered the whole evening. Before, during, and after. Until Justin could share that with him, Brian was in this alone.

He knew what he had to do.

“Ok, enough.” He said.

Brian turned back to face him.

“I’m sorry about tonight. It was a big mistake.” Justin said.

Brian curled his lip sardonically. “Ya think?”

Justin sighed. He got up and started packing an overnight bag. Brian looked at him confused; fear gripped his insides.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m going to spend the night at Rena’s. We need some time apart, and there’s something I need to do.” Justin finished throwing a few of his belongings into duffle bag. He turned to face Brian.

“I know you probably hate me right now, but that will pass. I love you, and you love me. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Justin bent down and gave Brian a quick kiss before he could protest. He stood and left Brian sitting on the bed in their bedroom.

Brian looked at the bedroom door close behind Justin.

He shook his head, not sure of what just happened.

He suddenly felt exhausted. He laid back on the bed and closed his eyes. The events of the day played over in his head.

The park, Gus, Deb, his mother, and his gay uncle! His mind drifted for a moment to the box that still sat on the dining room table. He wondered what secrets it held….

Emmett and Rena… How the fuck was he going to deal with them in the morning? And poor Mikey, looking scared shitless. They could have at least spared him. Mikey had suffered enough through the years being Brian’s best friend. Did they have to drag him into this mess?

Ending with Justin walking out on him…… Brian threw his arm over his forehead.

And they wondered why he fucking drank so much…….


	46. The True Intervention

"The purpose which guided him was not impossible, though it was supernatural. He wanted to dream a man; he wanted to dream him with minute integrity and insert him into reality."

 

\-- Jorge Luis Borges

 

“………………..Clap……..Clap……Clap…….

The sound of clapping hands drove Brian deeper into the thick fog. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was dreaming. Either that, or dead. If he were dead, then that would explain the clapping. Someone was applauding his demise. In typical Kinney fashion he snorted. Only one person? Hell, he thought for sure he’d have a bigger audience than that applauding his departure! He expected a standing ovation when his time came. Brian Kinney didn’ do anything in a small way. Not even dying.

 

_“………………..Clap………Clap…….Clap………._

_He walked towards those lone enthusiastic hands, impatient to see their owner. The ground beneath his feet was pulpy making his movements painstakingly slow. It felt like he was walking in quicksand. The clapping grew more persistent and louder the deeper he walked into the thick haze. Brian continued to forge ahead, determined to reach his destination._

_He was starting to think that his efforts were not to be rewarded, when suddenly, the mist around him started to thin, then dissipate. The ground beneath him shifted and solidified. His visibility cleared and he found himself in the center of the greenest pastures he’d ever seen. His feet felt wet. He looked down and saw that he was barefooted and wearing his best Armani slacks. He frowned. The hems were soaked from the dew. Great, fucking $600 dollar pants ruined. His eyes shifted to the grass surrounding his feet. The pasture was unusually green and lush. It was breathtaking; maybe even worth ruining a good pair of pants for he mused then quickly dismissed that lesbianic thought._

_A slight breeze caressed his face and the little hairs on the back of his neck stood up. Those mysterious hands were still clapping he noted, and the source was very close, in fact, the sound was right in front of him. He looked up sharply and came face to face with the owner of those exuberant hands._

_A broad smile spread across his face. There in front of him was Andy._

_He was sitting on his jet-black, 10-speed, Schwinn bicycle. The same one he had back in New York, when they were kids. God he looked beautiful Brian thought, just like he did before he got sick._

_Andy sat sideways on the worn leather bike seat, one foot rested on the ground, while the other perched lazily on one of the pedals, a cigarette dangled from the corner of his mouth. He was clapping his hands. _

_“Well kiddo, you finally did it.” Andy said around a puff of smoke as he continued to clap his hands. “You mastered the Frozen Wheelie. I knew you would. Great trick isn’t it?” Andy said and stopped clapping. He took the cigarette from his mouth and offered it to Brian. _

_“So tell me, what are you going to do for an encore?” Andy asked._

_Brian stepped forward and accepted the cigarette. He took a long hard drag from it and smiled at Andy. God it felt good being with him again._

_ “I guess I can do a back flip, followed by a tailwhip, then for the grand finale I’ll do a ledge drop off the biggest cliff I can find. I’m sure I’ll bring the house down when I end it by breaking both my legs and my collarbone.” Brian joked and handed the cigarette back to Andy._

_Andy laughed. He retrieved the cigarette from Brian and took one last drag from it before throwing it to the ground. He ground it out beneath his foot. _

_“Too risky, even for you. You’ll have to think of something else. I didn’t come here to watch you break your neck.” Andy said._

_Brian looked around him. “And where the fuck is here?” He asked._

_“It’s hard to explain. Just think of this as a place somewhere between your world and mine.” Andy said._

_Brian’s smile faded quickly. It all felt so real, he almost forgot Andy was dead._

_“Hey kiddo, why the long face?” Andy asked concerned._

_Brian averted his eyes, not wanting Andy to see the sudden tears forming in them. “It’s just been so long...”  
He said in a croaked voice._

_Andy let out a heavy sigh. “I know. I miss you too. But Brian, it’s only time. One day, we’ll be together again. You, me, Rena, and when Justin’s time comes, he’ll join us too.” Andy said._

_Brian’s eyes shot back to Andy’s. “I am going to die before him?” He asked a little too expectantly. _

_Andy’s eyebrow went up. Brian quickly slipped his indifference mask on before Andy could catch the grateful hope in his eyes._

_“Good. That’s one way to escape that annoying twink.” Brian retorted, though his eyes belied the earnestness of his words._

_Andy laughed; he was so on to Brian._

_“Yeah, you will. I have it on good authority. The only question is, how much sooner.” Andy said. “Not that I wouldn’t mind the company, but kiddo, you’re pushing it.” Andy said and popped his Bike up on its back wheel and held it there, both feet now on the pedals._

_Brian laughed and clapped. “Still the king.” He said and bowed for emphasis._

_Andy winked at him. “Yeah, well, it’s my talent. Much like fucking up is your talent kiddo.” Andy said and let the bike fall to the ground._

_Brian’s mouth dropped open. “Jesus Andy, tell me how you really feel!” He said defensively._

_“Ok, how about this. I’m tired of watching you make a mockery out of your life.” Andy said._

_Brian’s jaw dropped open. “What the fuck are you talking about? I have a college degree, I started my own advertising agency, which by the way is very successful, I have one hell of an investment portfolio and several CLEO’s on my shelf. Not to mention I drive a fucking fabulous car.” Brian smirked at Andy._

_Andy shook his head and frowned. “Jesus Brian, how much in denial are you?” He said._

_Brian frowned, confused._

_Andy sighed. “You brag about your job, your car, your business and your fucking useless awards. I didn’t hear you brag about your son, your family or the love of your life. Do I need to point out how fucked up that is?” Andy said._

_Brian flinched. Fuck, Andy was right. It was much easier boasting about his professional accomplishments, which there were many of, and not his personal ones, which there were very few of. He felt he was a failure at being a father, a brother and especially as a partner to Justin. Unfortunately, there was not much to brag about in his personal life._

_“Andy, it’s not like that.” Brian tried to explain but Andy cut him off._

_“You are making a mockery of your life by not embracing the very gifts that were robbed from me. You have a son. You have someone who loves you completely. You have family. All the things that I could have had, but never got the chance. All the things I WANTED for you and Rena! And instead of reveling in your bounty, you hide from it. Usually in a bottle or in someone’s ass. Nice Brian, real nice.” Andy’s voice was harsh._

_Brian stood speechless. What could he say? Guilt washed over him. Andy was right; he was robbed of all the things Brian had, but the truth was, Brian never asked for those gifts. He didn’t deserve them. Andy did. Andy of all people should understand why he hid in the bottle or someone’s ass, as he so eloquently put it! It was what got him through the nightmare of their childhood._

_Brian straightened his shoulders and addressed his older brother._

_“I take care of my son, and my family. I know how special they are so don’t fucking lecture me. And don’t fucking lecture me about my coping methods! I did and DO what I have to in order to get through the day. There are still days that if it weren’t for the booze and the sex I’d lose it and I can’t afford to lose it BECAUSE of the “gifts” I was given, “gifts” that I NEVER asked for by the way!” Brian was hurt, and angry. _

_“Yeah well deal with it. And you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. You’re not “coping”, you are punishing yourself for something you had no control over. It wasn’t your time Brian, it was mine, so stop trying to kill yourself. It’s still not your time.” Andy let that sink in before he continued._

_“It’s time you got past the fact that it was me who died, and not you.” Andy said._

_Brian’s face went blank. Everything inside him recoiled at Andy’s words. He couldn’t acknowledge the truth in them._

_Andy reached out and took Brian’s hand and pulled him to where he sat on his bike. He got off and offered the seat to Brian. Brian lifted his long leg and straddled the bike, taking Andy’s place. Andy smiled then went around and leaned over the handlebars and looked up at him._

_“Brian, it was my turn, not yours. There was nothing, I mean NOTHING, you could have done to save me. Even if you had attracted Emilian’s attention…”_

_Brian averted his eyes. He couldn’t hear this, but Andy wasn’t giving him an option. He reached over and placed his hand on Brian’s thigh and squeezed gently. _

_“Brian, look at me.” He said. Brian turned his head slowly back so his eyes met Andy’s once more._

_“I know you wished Emilian went after you instead of me. You knew you were gay by then and Emilian like young boys. I know you carry the guilt of nothing luring Emilian away from me. I know you think that if you had, he would have been satisfied with abusing you and left me alone. I’m here to tell you, it’s not true. Even if that did happen, I still would have died. It simply was my time. Not yours.” Andy’s voice was thick with emotion, he stared intently into his younger brothers eyes. _

_“Brian listen to me, not with your mind, but with your heart. Stop, now before it’s too late. I’m tired of watching you try to kill yourself time and time again. I watched as you nearly killed yourself in New York. Then again, years later when you stopped hearing from Rena, and one more time, after Justin got hurt.” _

_Brian sucked his breath in. He never told anyone about that time._

_“I know, that was the worse time, I was there.” Andy acknowledged. _

_“The night you heard one of the nurses at the hospital say they didn’t think the boy was going to come out of the coma. You lost faith then. I risked a lot that night, pushing you back. You were halfway here, and I intervened. I can’t do that again.” Andy said._

_Brian’s face felt moist, he realized it was from the silent tears seeping out of his eyes._

_Andy pushed himself up from the handlebars and walked around the bike. He pulled Brian off the bike seat and turned him around so that he faced him._

_“It’s time to start living your life Brian. Free yourself of the guilt, especially this unearned guilt. Unload this burden you’ve been carrying, it was never yours to begin with. It was fate. Just like you giving me that shot of morphine, saving me from having to do it myself was fate. Just like meeting Justin under that lamppost was fate. Our destinies are preordained. You can’t control it. You have to trust in it. It’s the only way.” Andy said and pulled Brian’s head down to rest on his shoulder._

_Brian leaned into Andy and wept. The freedom to be able to release all the bad memories, the unresolved feelings and the guilt onto Andy’s shoulders was liberating. _

_He wept for the little boy inside of him who never dared weep no matter how much pain he was in for fear of appearing vulnerable to the very people who could hurt him the most, who were also the people he loved the most. _

_He wept for that man who stood in front of the emergency room door night after night and watch as the beautiful young man he loved almost die because of their love. And he wept for Justin. For the pain he went through, and is still going through._

_He wept for it all. He let his tears wash away 17 years of pain and grief. _

_Brian wept until he felt cleansed._

_Andy held him until Brian emptied all the pain and guilt he’d been harboring for years. When Brian had no more tears left, no more pain and grief left inside, Andy released him. _

_Brian pulled back from his brother and gave him a crooked smile._

_“How was that for an encore?” Brian said and let out a small laugh. _

_“Perfect.” Andy said and hugged Brian to him tight before letting him go again._

_“It’s time for me to go now.” He said._

_Brian sighed. It was ok, he was finally ready to let Andy go._

_“I know.” He said and handed Andy his bike back._

_Andy mounted his steel horse and popped a wheelie. Brian had to step back quickly so not to get clipped by the metal beast. He laughed._

_“Tell Rena I love her, and I approve.” Andy said as he let the front wheel fall to the ground again._

_“She already knows, but I will.” Brian said. _

_Andy nodded his head in acknowledgement and smiled._

_“Oh, and tell Justin the answer is yes.” Brian looked at him confused. Andy laughed. _

_“He’ll understand.” Andy said._

_“I’ll tell him.” Brian said, not sure what Andy was referring to, but making a mental note to ask his blonde about it._

_Andy put both feet up on the pedals and turned the front wheel towards the horizon. He looked back at Brian with love filled eyes._

_“And remember bro, I’m always with you….. so do me proud!” He said, emotion thick in his voice._

_“I will Andy, I promise….” Brian said._

_Andy turned the bike around and pedaled off; he took one last look back and waved at Brain…_

_“Later.” He called out._

_Brian waved back. _

_“Later……..………………………………………”_

 

************************************************************************************************************

 

“Later….”

“No, now Brian! Come on!”

 

“Hmmmm……..” Brian moaned.

“Get up Brian, you’ve been asleep for 12 hours! If you don’t get up, I’m calling a doctor!” Michael said as he tugged on the blanket that covered Brian’s sleeping form. His voice was laced with sheer panic.

Brian heard that panic and pulled himself away from the dream. “What the fuck?” He said groggily and pushed Michael away.

Michael cursed. “Jesus Brian you scared the shit out of us!” He whined.

Brian squinted his eyes opened. He was in his bed, and from the light coming through the door he estimated it to be around midday.

“What time is it?” He said with a graveled voice.

“Fuck what day is it!” He corrected. Memories of the “intervention” started filling his sleep-fogged brain.

“It’s Sunday you asshole! And you’ve been asleep ever since Justin left last night!” Michael said.

“Justin…” Brian sat up quickly. His head spun a bit. He knew he wasn’t hung over. He didn’t drink last night. But he felt like he’d been put through the wringer. His body felt almost foreign to him. As if it were “adjusting” to being back in his own skin. The dream resurfaced in his mind. It was a dream…wasn’t it?

“Where’s Justin?” Brian shook himself awake.

“Justin is at Rena’s. Emmett and I stayed here in case you needed us. You have been sleeping this whole time. Justin’s been calling every 15 minutes waiting for you get up. I keep telling him your fine; you were just exhausted from all the emotional shit last night. But I lied the last time he called because you were starting to scare the shit out of me! I told him you were in the shower. That was a half hour ago, so I’m sure he’ll be calling back soon. That’s why I nearly threw you out of bed just now trying to wake you! Fuck Brian I’ve NEVER seen you sleep this long! Are you alright?”

Michael was rambling. It was giving Brian a headache.

Brian leaned back on his elbows and gave Michael a patronizing look. “And you stayed here last night, why?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Michael snorted. “I wasn’t going to leave you alone after all the shit that went down last night. Jesus Bri, a gay uncle? That was intense. And then Rena ripping into you was, well… I just wanted to make sure you would be alright.” He said not looking Brian in the eye.

Brian sighed. He knew what Michael was doing. He was making sure Brian didn’t go off the deep end and try to kill himself again. God what had he done to his best friend? Mickey was always the one who had to suffer the Russian roulette life that was Brian Kinney. No one deserved that, especially not a best friend.

“Mikey, you don’t have to worry anymore. I’m not going to try to kill myself again. Ever.” Brian said calmly.

Michael’s eyes shot to him. “Who the fuck said anything about you trying to kill yourself! I just wanted to make sure you didn’t get too drunk and go out driving or something.” Michael denied.

Brian reached out and grabbed his arm and pulled him in for a kiss. When he released him he looked into his eyes.

“Bullshit. You’re in as much denial as I am. Was, anyway. You’ve always been right there for me when I was at my lowest. You SAW me when I came back from New York. Hell, you followed me around for months; worried I was going to do something drastic. You were also the one who pulled me out of Goodbars the first time. You knew then that, that was an attempt to kill myself. So stop bullshitting yourself. I know. And what you NEED to know, is that I won’t do that again, ok?” Brian said earnestly.

Michael looked away. Brian was right. It was why he couldn’t talk last night. If he said the words out loud, then they would become real. But he didn’t have to say them, Brian just did. And it was real. Brian had tried to kill himself before, more than once. How could he be sure Brian wouldn’t try it again?

Brian grabbed his arm tighter and pulled him around to face him.

“OK!?” He said giving Michael his most intense, serious “I’m not bullshitting” look.

Michael smiled weakly. Tears started streaming down his face.

“You promise?” He said.

Brian smiled. “ Yeah, I promise.”

Michael squealed and threw himself onto Brian causing them to both fall back onto the bed. Michael was on top.

“Well sweetie, if I had known you were a switch, I might have given you a try myself. Though I’m not much of a top.” Emmett said from the doorway.

Brian groaned.

“Would you please get the fuck off me before Rona Barret of Liberty Avenue here has it all over town that Brian Kinney is a switch?” Brian said and playfully knocked Michael off his bed.

Michael pulled the blankets with him as he landed with a soft “thump” on to floor. He started giggling, which started Emmett giggling, which sent Brian into the bathroom shaking his head at the lunacy of his friends.

Emmett followed him into the bathroom. Brian gave him a “what the fuck look.”

“You feeling better today sweetie?” Emmett asked a little too gleefully.

“Shut the fuck up Honeycutt. What are you doing here anyway? Holding little Mikey’s hand?” Brian spat out sarcastically.

Emmett made a face at Brian. “Honey, Michael don’t need anyone holding his hand when it comes to taking care of you. He’s been doing it most his life. No, I’m here for you and Justin. Whether you want to accept it or not, I AM your friend. So deal baby. Oh, by the way, I made pancakes!” Emmett smiled childlike.

Brian huffed. He took a look at what Emmett was wearing and sneered disdainfully. He was wearing very low riding gray sweats and a cut off white tee shirt. Cut off as in he literally took a pair of scissors and cut the shirt in two.

“Honeycutt we ARE going shopping this week. And I’m not taking no for an answer. I swear to God I’m going to get you something I can stomach watching you wear. You’re killing me here. My sense of style can’t survive your dime store, Salvation Army wardrobe. Walmart clothing is a step up for fuck sakes.” Brian complained.

Emmett made a small-satisfied sound in the back of his throat. “Uhh huh. Hey Michael, you can stop worrying. He’s fine.” Emmett said and gave Brian a knowing smile before he walked out of the bathroom.

Brian shook his head and ran the cold water under the sink. He bent over and splashed some on his face.

He heard the phone ring.

Michael walked into the bathroom carrying the phone.

“It’s Justin.” He said nervously.

Michael had no idea where the two stood after last night. He didn’t know if Brian could forgive Justin. Well, not right away at least. Michael had no doubt sooner or later Brian would forgive Justin. They belonged together. He was concerned however, over how long Brian was going to make Justin suffer for what he did. The kid didn’t deserve it. Everything he did, he did out of love for Brian. It was a very brave thing for him to do. Much braver than anything Michael would have ever dared try. It was one of the reason’s he knew in his heart, that Justin was the right man for Brian. His true soul mate. Now only if Brian could accept it.

Brian took the phone from Michael.

“Thanks.” He said and put the phone to his ear. A big smile spread across his face.

“Hey Sunshine. Where are you? I was just about to take a shower. Come home. I need you.” He said.

Michael’s mouth dropped open. Brian looked over at him and winked. Michael laughed and shook his head.

He turned and left Brian alone in the bathroom to talk to his lover.

Just when he thought he knew the Kinney manual inside and out, Brian went and changed the text.

Michael went to join Emmett for pancakes.

“Hey baby, where is he?” Emmett asked and placed a mountain of pancakes in front of Michael.

Michael sat down on the kitchen counter stool and picked up his fork.

“In the bathroom talking to Justin. He just asked him to come home and take a shower with him.” Michael said.

Emmett laughed. “Well, well… looks like our little intervention might have done some good.” He mused out loud.

 

………….Andy watched the men from above. Yeah, a little intervention never hurt. Especially when it came from above……


	47. Little Battles

“I remember when I lost my mind  
There was something so pleasant about that place.  
Even your emotions have an echo  
In so much space

Bless your soul if  
You really think you're in control”

~Gnarls Barkley

 

“What the fuck do you mean you’re not ready to come home?!” Brian screamed into the phone.

Michael and Emmett snapped their heads around towards Brian’s outburst with identical shocked expressions on their faces.

Brian paced in front of the couch, the phone clenched tightly in his hands.

“Are you fucking serious?!” He stopped pacing.

“No I don’t understand!” He started pacing again.

Emmett and Michael’s ears were glued to the one sided conversation.

“The boy’s got bigger balls then I thought.” Emmett whispered to Michael, a smile played on his lips.

“Either that or he has a fucking death wish. What is he doing!” Michael frowned.

“I don’t know, but what ever it is, the king isn’t liking it.” Emmett pursed his lips and shook his head.

“I smell a full blown Kinney queen out session coming on.” He said.

Michael sighed. “Time to remove the breakables.” He said and got up.

“Don’t forget the vase, and the ashtrays. Oh and the remote! You know he’ll throw that as well.” Emmett said.

The two men got up from their perched seats at the kitchen counter and started removing all breakable items with in Brian’s reach. They discreetly hid them behind the kitchen counter.

Brian was oblivious to their mission; he was too engrossed in his phone conversation, or more accurately, his argument, with Justin.

“Is THIS part of your intervention!? Cause I’m telling you right now Justin, you’re fucking killing me here! Forget the booze and the drugs it’s YOU who are going to be the death of me!” Brian was reaching full boil.

 

“FINE! Stay the fuck at Rena’s. I’m going out!” Brian yelled into the phone then threw it against the wall. It broke and splinted into several pieces.

“Fuck, here we go.” Michael said.

 

“That fucking little twat is staying at Rena’s! What the fuck?” Brian paused and made an incredulous face, his arms spread out.

“Calm down Brian, I’m sure he has a good reason.” Michael tried to reason.

Brian turned on him. “Oh, I know he does, but he’s NOT TELLING ME!” Brian screamed at Michael. Michael flinched away.

“Don’t be taking it out on Michael sweetie. You know how impulsive Justin is. He probably just needs some time to digest what he did. You did, after all, throw him out last night. And your sister too by the way. What did you expect? If I were them I wouldn’t want to talk to you right now either.” Emmett made a clucking sound with his tongue.

“Fuck you Honeycutt, and stay the fuck out of my business!” Brian turned on Emmett.

Emmett cupped his hand around his mouth and whispered to Michael. “Stage one baby.” He said.

Brian walked over to the coffee table looking for something to throw. The ashtray was gone, the remote was gone.

He snorted in frustration and looked around the room for something he could vent his anger on.

His cell phone rang. It was sitting on the dining room table.

All three men made a beeline for it. Emmett got to it first. He answered it breathless.

“Give me my phone!” Brian reached for it but Emmett side stepped him and went around to the other side of the table.

“Kinney’s phone.” Emmett answered.

 

“Emmett, why is the other phone busy? Put Brian on.” Justin said, his voice frantic.

“Hey baby, the other phone is busy cause his majesty broke it. And I’m not giving him his cell because he’s going to break it as well. He’s in full queen out mode sweetie.” Emmett told Justin.

Brian glared at him and dashed around the table and reached for Emmett.

Emmett ran around to the other side to avoid him. Michael watch the two men go round and round the table. It was comical. He had to suppress his laugh.

“Emmett, you’re only pissing him off more.” Michael said, trying to sound stern.

Emmett stuck his tongue out at him.

 

Justin sighed hearing the exchange on the other end. He needed to talk to Brian. The last thing he wanted was for Brian to get more pissed, and go out and do something stupid again. For the first time, Justin had no clue as to how Brian was feeling. Last night did not go as expected.

As if it weren’t bad enough that the whole intervention was a bust, the fight they had afterwards in the bedroom left them both emotionally exhausted. Brian sleeping for 12 fucking hours was freaking Justin out. As long as he’s know Brian, he’s never slept that long. He wanted to be there with him right now more than anything, but he couldn’t.

Rena was going to hypnotize Justin today. He didn’t tell Brian because he wasn’t sure if it would work. If it did, then they had a chance at starting over with the healing process. If not, then Justin had to find another way to reach Brian, which to date, he hasn’t.

He silently prayed that the session was successful today. But first, he had to get Brian to calm down. He couldn’t go through with it until he knew Brian was ok. He was grateful that Emmett and Michael were there to support him.

“Em, please, just put him on.” Justin said.

“Ok sweetie, but don’t blame me when he breaks this phone too and you have no choice but come here and talk to him in person.” Emmett said and winked at Brian.

Brian’s eyebrow shot up. Why that manipulative fucking queen, he thought. Emmett was setting it up so Justin would have to come home if he wanted to talk to Brian. Brian smiled. Emmett truly was a good friend. His unquestionable loyalty to both he and Justin almost made up for Brian having to endure his atrocious wardrobe. Almost.

Emmett handed the phone to Brian. “He’s all yours baby.” He said.

Brian took the phone.

“What?!” He asked harshly.

“Brian, please promise me you won’t throw the phone until I’m finished talking.” Justin pleaded

 

“Why the fuck should I promise you anything?” Brian retorted angrily.

“Because you love me.” Justin stated flatly.

Brian snorted. “All I want to hear from you is that you is that you are coming home.” Brian said.

“I’m coming home.” Justin said.

Ok, that left Brian speechless.

“When?”

“As soon as I can, I promise.” Justin said.

Brian sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I need to talk to you now Justin. What part of that don’t you get?” He said in a patronizing tone.

Justin flinched on the other end. “Brian, believe me, if this wasn’t really, REALLY important, you know I’d be there.” Justin tried to explain.

Brian actually growled. Michael and Emmett stepped away from him.

“You said that already. What you haven’t said is exactly what IT is that you have to do that is so important?” Brian said in a low, threatening voice. He was getting very frustrate with Justin’s evasiveness.

 

Justin hesitated. “I can’t tell you.” He said and then pulled the phone from his ear when he heard a loud crackling sound on the other end.  
Fuck! Brian threw his cell.

 

*************************************************

Justin sighed deeply and turned to Rena. “He’s having a tantrum.” He said and placed the phone down on the kitchen table.

They were just finishing up lunch. James had made a crabmeat soufflé that Justin would have appreciated more if his stomach were cooperating. Unfortunately he was too nervous to enjoy the delectable feast.

Rena laughed. “I wouldn’t worry about it too much sweetie. Michael and Emmett are with him. If he does anything stupid, they’ll call us. I’m worried about you though. Are you sure you want to go through with this? Maybe you should go home and talk to Brian first.” She suggested. Rena had sat up most the night with Justin going over their situation, and their choices.

Rena knew her showdown with Brian was coming. She was ready for him. But Justin needed all the help he could get. Though the intervention didn’t’ go as expected, it did however, make an impact on Brian. Rena was sure of it. She knew her brother well enough to know he was affected by what happened last night. What she didn’t know was exactly how upset he was.

Brian shut her out completely last night after her little speech. She expected as much, what she didn’t expect was his little confession to Justin in the bedroom. Justin had told her about it. Brian broke down and told Justin how he “needed” the drugs and alcohol to deal with the pain. The fact that he admitted it was a big step forward, but knowing Brian, it was always one step forward, two steps back. Justin was more determined than ever to get his memory of prom night back. He told Rena that last night he discovered that a big part of Brian’s pain came from almost losing him, and the fear he might lose him again. It wasn’t so much that Brian refused to talk to Justin about the bashing; it was that he didn’t believe Justin could understand because he had no memory of it. Brian had once told Justin he wished he didn’t remember.

Brian was grateful that Justin had no memory of that night. He didn’t want Justin to go through the emotional pain of reliving that night. Brian preferred to carry that burden alone. He was too protective of Justin. Even if that meant protecting Justin from himself. That was why Justin refused to tell him what he was planning on doing. Brian would never allow Rena to hypnotize him, and Rena would not go against her brother’s wishes when it came to Justin. Justin had no choice but to do this behind Brian’s back. Once the deed was done, and Justin had his memory back, it would force them both to deal with it. It was the only way, Justin was convinced, and Rena agreed. His memory lose was a blocking mechanism the brain had initially put into place to protect Justin, but now it was preventing him from healing. Emotionally, Rena felt Justin was strong enough to recall that night, and physically, there was a good chance once that area of the brain was open, and healed, it would encourage other area’s of the brain to heal, and rejuvenate. It was even possible that the motor skills in his hand would improve.

In addition to his physical and psychological problems caused by the memory loss, Justin still suffered from panic attacks. They did not go away, as he was told they would, he just got good at hiding them from Brian. That wouldn’t last much longer though, they were escalating and sooner or later, Brian would catch him having one. It was in Rena’s best medical opinion, that hypnosis was the best course of action to take. She confirmed this with colleges of hers over the past weeks when Justin had first asked her about it. The question was, was Justin ready for it?

“Rena, it’s now or never. I’m not putting this off any longer. Brian will be fine. Emmett and Michael will take care of him.” Justin said, determination set in his young handsome features.

“Ok, then, lets get started.” She said and got up from the kitchen table.

“James, make sure we’re not disturbed.” She ordered as she led Justin into her study.

Justin followed her on shaky legs. He’d never been so nervous in his life, or more determined. He took a long hard look at the thick wooden door to Rena’s study before passing through it.

He took a deep breath as Rena shut the massive door behind him.

The study was large and surprisingly very understated. The furnishing was rustic country, not at all what he expected. Justin always viewed Rena as being more European aristocrat than bourgeoisie. Her personal style tended to reflect high society vogue, yet her study radiated a traditional modern country veneer. He had to admit though, the room was very comforting. The smell of cedar, the thick quilted cushions on the chairs, the plaid curtains, even the tall wooden bookcases packed with literally hundreds of medical journals were very soothing. He realized everything in the room was meant to “sooth.”

He knew Rena still retain a few of her clients when moving to the Pitts, he even knew one or two have visited her here already, but she never mentioned them. Being here in her “office” reminded Justin of the fact that Rena was still a practicing physician. Not the he didn’t trust Rena completely, he did, but he never really thought of her as a doctor. Rena was family. He thought of her as his big sister. Being reminded that she was a doctor, and a very good one, put him even more at ease.

She motioned for him to sit on the reclining chaise longue that was strategically placed opposite the large bay windows, which sported the most magnificent views of her garden.

Justin smiled and went and sat down on it.

Rena pulled up a chair and sat in front of him. She grabbed some pillows and placed them at the head of the chaise.

“Just lay back and relax Justin. “ She said.

Justin reclined back on the chaise and laid his head against the thick pillows.

“It is important that you keep in mind that you are perfectly safe. Hypnotherapy is a guided relaxation and concentration technique, which creates a new state of awareness for the subject. When you are in this state, you will be able to focus more on the areas I guide you to with out fear or trepidation. I can only guide you, I cannot force you to go anywhere in your mind you are not willing. That choice is yours. Understand?” She asked.

“Yes.” Justin answers.

Rena smiled and leaned over and kissed Justin on the cheek. “Ok Sunshine, I have something for you focus on.” She said and pulled out Brian’s cowry bracelet. She held it up in front of Justin’s eyes. He smiled.

She started talking to him softly as she twirled the bracelet slowly between her fingers.

Justin felt himself drift. Lethargy seeped into his mind, and ran through his limbs. Justin never felt so relaxed in his life. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he heard Rena talking. She was asking him something …..The prom……..

 

*************************************************************************************************************

Brian went into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of Evisa Jeans and grabbed his Maharishi hooded sweatshirt and threw it over his head. He sat on the bed slipped into pair of Puma McQueen trainers.

“HONEYCUTT!” He screamed from the bedroom.

Emmett came running into the Master’s liar.

“You rang?” He said unwisely, teasing the tiger.

“We’re going out. Get ready.” He said and got up and looked around the bedroom for his watch.

Emmett stared wide-eyed at him. “You want me to go out with you? It’s just past 1 in the afternoon Brian! Other than some local bars, all the clubs are closed!” Emmett said.

Brian fastened his watch and brushed pushed past Emmett. He headed for the kitchen.

“I’m not going to a club you idiot!” He turned around and gave Emmett a pointed look.

“Was I the only one here last night?” He asked and glared at Emmett before turning around to look on the kitchen counter.

“Fuck.” He said when he didn’t find what he was looking for.

Emmett huffed.

“What’s going on?” Michael said walking back into the kitchen area. He was in the living room replacing the “breakables.”

Brian went back into the bedroom.

“He’s going out, and he wants me to go with him! It’s too early for the clubs, which can only mean the baths, or some private club!” Emmett complained.

“Michael you got to talk him out of it, I’m not going to baby sit him at baths! You know I can’t be trusted there!” Emmett pouted.

Michael frowned and followed Brian into the bedroom. He was pulling open drawers, and pulling things out.

“Brian, you can’t do this. Not after last night. For God sakes, don’t do this.” He said nervously.

Brian looked up, an annoyed look on his face.

“Mikey, I don’t have time for this. What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian said and continued his search.

“I’m talking about you going out in the middle of the day to get drunk and your dick sucked! Are you that mad at Justin? Jesus that kid don’t deserve this!” Michael yelled at him.

Brian’s head snapped up.

“Who the fuck said I was going out to get fucked up?” Brian said incredulously and left the bedroom again. He went into the living room. He started pulling the pillows off of the couch.

Emmett was standing by the loft door with his ratty fur coat on ready to leave, anxiety heavy in his features.

Michael followed Brian into the living room.

“Brian, Brian listen to me!” Michael said.

Brian ignored him and went down on his hands and knees to look under the couch.

Michael automatically bent over and looked under the chair following Brian’s lead.

“Wait, what the fuck am I looking for?” He asked.

“My fucking bracelet! I was sure I left it on the kitchen counter last night, but it’s not there.” Brian said.

Michael got up from the floor. “Maybe Justin has it.” He said.

Brian looked up at him. That was a distinct possibility. Knowing his blonde, he would want something of Brian’s to make him feel close to him while he was away. He relaxed a bit.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” He said and went to the closet and grabbed his coat.

“You’re welcome to come with us if you want.” He said as he pulled his keys from his pocket.

Michael looked confused. “Where the fuck are you going in the middle of the day on a Sunday! Church?” Michael asked sarcastically.

Brian smirked and put his tongue in his cheek.

“Why where any self respecting gay man would go in the middle of the day. Shopping of course. Emmett needs new cloths.” He said.

Michael sighed a big sigh of relief and retrieved his coat from the closet.

“You really are an asshole, you know that?” He said to Brian. His best friend just scared the shit out of him.

Brian smiled.

“Yeah, I’ve been told.” ….


	48. Save the Last Dance for Me

"Baby don't you know I love you so? Can't you feel it when we touch..  
I will never never let you go I love you oh so much"

~ “Save the last dance for me…”

 

 

“Brian!” Justin slammed open the loft door as he yelled out Brian’s name. His heart was racing and he was panting, partly from exertion, but mostly from his excitement.

He had no patience for the elevator, so he took the stairs. Being young had its advantages, but running up several flights of stairs at breakneck speed was a bit much, even for him.

Justin slammed the door shut behind him and raced into loft. A quick scan told him no one was home.

“Fuck!” He cursed. He needed to talk to Brian now and in person. A phone call would NOT due in this situation.

He walked into the bedroom and plopped down on the edge of the bed with a disappointed sigh. Great, more time wasted he thought. God knows where Brian was. Well, at least he was with Emmett and Michael. Justin was sure they wouldn’t leave him to his own devises, especially not after last night.

He reached over and pulled open the top drawer to the nightstand by Brian’s side of the bed and took out the picture that Brian kept there of him, Rena and Andy when they were children.

Justin smiled as he stared at the photo. A bittersweet tear slipped down his cheek.

The old Polaroid was worn from age, and, Justin was sure, from him constantly taking it out and staring at it. There was something about the photo that made Justin feel connected to both Brian, and Andy.

When he was feeling sad or confused about his and Brian’s relationship he would talk to boy in the picture who was first to touch Brian’s heart. He knew it was silly. He doubted Andy could hear him, but hey, it couldn’t hurt he thought, and it made him feel better.

He sat on the edge of the bed and gently rubbed the pad of his thumb over Brian’s face, as he did so many times since first seeing it in New York just a few months ago.

God he looked so happy. Before, when Justin would look at the picture it would sadden him because he had never seen Brian look that happy. Well, he had never “remembered” seeing Brian ever look that happy. That had all changed with in the last few hours.

The hypnosis session with Rena went better than he could have ever imagined. It was nothing short of a miracle as far as Justin was concerned and it surprised him on so many levels. He recalled every detail of that night with love and joy, and not with the anger and pain he had expected.

The few times he had spoken to Brian about that night there was always so much sorrow and pain that Justin had expected to experience those same feelings should he ever remember. But Brian was fixated on the terrible events of that night, and not the amazing joy that preceded the act that nearly killed Justin.

Justin recalled that night in a totally different light than Brian did, but then again, he was coming from a very different place.

Brian felt that they were being punished some how for daring to be so happy, so much in love. That’s how Brian was conditioned to think. In the past, anytime Brian allowed himself to be truly happy, like in the picture with Andy, that happiness was brutally taken away from him. In his mind, he had no right to be happy. Being happy cost too much. And prom night almost cost him the love of his life.

Yet when Justin’s memory came crashing back this afternoon, feelings of love and extreme joy flooded him. He recalled that night as being magical and romantic. He could still see Brian in his minds eye looking unfucking believably hot. He remembered the scent of his cologne, Lagerfeld, which was Justin’s favorite. He remembered the feel of his suit beneath his hands, and the way the white silk scarf volleyed between them during the dance.

But most of all, he remembered the look of total joy on Brian’s face. He was happier than he had ever seen him before.

Justin understood now why he was so intrigued with the old photo of Brian and his siblings. It was because he subconsciously recognized that look on Brian’s face in the photo, yet he couldn’t remember, up until now, where he saw it before.

It was at Prom night. It was the first, and last time Justin had ever seen Brian so happy. And Justin was robbed of that memory.

There were other memories of that night that Justin was robbed of as well that were important to Brian. Events that Brian had no idea occurred, yet once known, would shine a whole new, and hopefully different light on the circumstances surrounding the brutal attack.

Justin’s brow furrowed as his thumb slid over to Andy’s image. He spoke softy to boy in the photo, his tone, almost reverent.

“Rena showed me the picture you drew of me tonight.” He said.

“Brian never told me you were such a talented artist.” Justin smiled recalling the drawing Rena pulled out after the session and showed to him.

Brian had told him Andy had drawn it and gave it to Rena when they were kids, but actually seeing it made Justin realized just how much fate played a role in his and Brian’s relationship, and how truly psychic Andy was.

Brian knew of Justin years before they ever met.

The moment Justin laid eyes on Brian as he stood under that lamppost, he knew they were destined to be together, what he didn’t know at the time, was that Brian knew it as well.

Justin sighed. “You knew didn’t you?” He asked the boy in the picture.

“You knew about the pain we’d go through too, didn’t you?” Justin stated, rather than asked.

“You didn’t tell him cause you knew that if Brian knew the truth, he would have run the moment he saw me.” Justin surmised.

“I’m glad you didn’t tell him. If you did, I would have missed the dance.” Justin wiped the tears from his face that were flowing again. He kissed the photo and whispered “thank you”, before carefully replacing it back in the drawer.

He lay back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling thinking about the three teens in that photo and how life must have seemed so innocent, and carefree to them. A big sigh escaped him.

“Tell me Andy, will he ever be that happy again?” He asked.

 

****************************************************************************************

 

“You’re fucking delusional Honeycutt, as usual.” Brian scoffed at the comment Emmett made, than smirked when he saw him emerge from the dressing room. Damn, he had good taste he thought smugly to himself.

Emmett strutted out of the dressing room wearing a skin tight Cesare Paciotti $300 dollar tee shirt and a pair of dark blue Christian Dior low riding jeans that he didn’t even want to know the price of.

Brian had coordinated the look for him. He had to admit, he LOVED the look. The tee was totally hot, and the jeans were just low enough to reveal a tease of his flat stomach. It was chic yet a bit trashy. Though he’d die before he’d admit to Brian that he liked the clothes. Brian was having too good a time dressing up his “Ken” doll.

 

Michael whistled low. “Wow Em, you look totally hot.” He said and circled Emmett.

Emmett threw his head back haughtily. “Honey, I always look hot. It’s not the clothes that make the man hot, it’s the man who makes the clothes look hot.” He said.

Brian laughed and pushed himself away from the display table he was leaning against.

“Bullshit. It’s the clothes. And the man in the clothes is delusional if he thinks that the salesman is hitting on him. I told you, he was hitting on me.” Brian stated, getting back to their previous discussion, or more accurately, their debate.

 

“Get out that guy is a total top! You’re way to bossy and arrogant for him. Sweetie, he’s been checking out my butt for the past half hour.” Emmett said.

Brian gave him a patronizing look. “It’s amazing how many “tops” roll over once I’ve got them alone.” Brian paused. “Or in public dressing rooms…” He smirked and looked over to the salesman in question who was currently busy with another customer.

“Brian you wouldn’t dare!” Michael said, clearly outraged.

Brian glanced sideways at him. “Wouldn’t I? Hasn’t little Mikey learned yet that I’d pretty much dare anything when it comes to getting laid?” He pulled his bottom lip in and winked at Michael.

Michael grimaced. “You really are a slut, you know that?” He said.

Brian laughed. “No, Em is a slut. I’m a stud.” Brian said.

 

“Hey! I resemble that remark!” Emmett quipped.

All three men laughed.

The salesman looked over at them and blushed, as if he knew he was the center of their conversation.

Both Emmett and Brian vied for his attention.

Michael’s cell phone rang.

“The professor misses Gilligan. He’s been away from the Island too long.” Brian leaned over and whispered to Emmett.

“Shut up. You’re bad.” Emmett laughed. “You’re just mad because it’s been over 3 hours since you heard from Justin. It’s your own fault you know, since you broke your cell and you can’t get a replacement until tomorrow.” Emmett gave Brian a knowing look.

“Fuck you Honeycutt.” Brian scowled. Emmett pressed his lips together to stop himself from laughing.

“Bri, its Justin.” Michael said and handed him the phone.

Brian gave Emmett a “don’t fucking say a word” look and took the phone from Michael.

 

“What.” He snapped.

“Meet me at the Empire Hotel.” Justin said.

That caught Brian off guard. He briefly looked over at the salesman.

“I have other plans.” He said spitefully, knowing full well he was going to meet Justin at the hotel. He just needed a bit of his own back for Justin refusing to come to the loft earlier.

“Well, put who ever it is on hold, and meet me at the hotel.” Justin said. He was on to Brian’s game.

Brian groaned. He could never get anything past the kid.

“Why don’t you meet us here at Rafello’s. I’m on a mission. Making Emmett look like a decent gay man is no easy task Sunshine.” Brian teased.

Emmett stuck his tongue out at him.

“You’re shopping?” Justin asked relieved to hear Brian in a good mood.

“It was either that or the Baths. And I didn’t think the Baths would be as much fun with Laverne and Shirley here tagging along.” Brian said.

Justin laughed and Brian’s heart lurched. He loved the sound of Justin’s laughter. Andy was right, it was time he stopped being afraid, and allowed himself to love, and be love without fear.

Brian turned his back to Michael and Emmett and whispered into the phone.

“Did you get a room Sunshine?” He asked in a sultry voice

Justin groaned audibly. Brian smiled into the phone.

“Not yet.” He said seductively.

“But I can arrange that.” He said.

Brian’s face broke out in a smile. “You do that Sunshine. I’ll meet you there as soon as I dump the Lemon sisters.” Brian said.

Justin laughed. “Later.”

“Later.” Brian shut the cell and turned around to find himself face to face with Michael and Emmett. They had their arms folded over their chests and both were giving him a reproachful look.

“What?” He said making a face as he spread his arms out.

“Lemon sisters?” Emmett said and tapped his foot. Michael just stood by him and scowled.

Brian made a “pssfting” noise and threw the cell at Michael.

“Call a cab. You guys are going to need a ride home.” He pulled out his wallet and handed a $50 to Michael, and his credit card to Emmett.

“Get everything I picked out for you.” He said.

Emmett huffed. “Brian! I am not going to let you buy me all these clothes! It’s way too extravagant!” He refused adamantly and stomped his foot.

“Consider it your Christmas gift. It’s next month anyway. One less gift I have to buy.” Brian said.

“You’ve never bought me a Christmas gift.” Emmett said.

Brian gave him an incredulous look. “What the fuck are you talking about! I get you a gift every fucking year!” He said indignantly.

“NO, Cynthia gets me a gift and puts your name on it.” Emmett said.

“No wonder you’ve been dressing like shit then. It takes a gay man to dress another gay men. What the fuck do women know about fashion? Everyone knows all the best designers are gay men.” Brian retorted.

“I can’t accept it Brian. It’s way too much.” Emmett insisted.

Brian huffed, exasperated. He went over to Emmett and put his arm around his shoulders.

“Em, listen to me. You know I never do anything I don’t want to do, and in some way, isn’t self serving. It’s a fucking business expense write off for me, and for God sakes, for ONCE, I’d like to see you wearing something hot. You are way too good looking to be dressing like a vagabond. James is a hot guy, I want to see you two make it work.” Brian said.

Emmett’s face turned red. His throat constricted and he started fanning himself with his hands. Brian stepped away and looked at him confused.  
He turned to Michael.

“Is he going to cry for fuck sakes!” He said. Emmett was making little choking sounds in the back of his throat.

“Yeah, I think he is.” Michael said.

“Well what the fuck did I do to bring on this disgusting display!” Brian complained and looked around to make sure no one was witnessing this scene. Of course the hot gay salesman was watching them, and by the looks of it, was sympathizing with Emmett. Great, Brian thought.

“You told him you cared about him.” Michael said, answering Brian’s question.

Brian gave him a doubtful look. “The fuck I did!” He denied.

Michael slapped his best friend on the back. “Sorry Brian, but yeah. You did.” Michael said and laughed.

“Fuck me.” Brian said and put his face in his hands.

Emmett ran over to him and threw himself at him, hugging him fiercely. Brian grunted at the attack.

The salesman came up besides Michael. “They make a handsome couple.” He said, somewhat disappointed.

Michael burst out laughing. Brian was struggling to free himself from Emmett’s assault.

“He’s NOT my boyfriend!” Brian yelled out to the salesman and pushed Emmett off him.

Emmett stood back and wiped the tears from his face.

“No, he’s not my boyfriend.” Emmett said.

“He’s my friend.” Emmett smiled tearfully.

Brian sighed in defeat.

“Ok, can I get the fuck out of here now?” He asked.

Michael laughed and handed him the $50 back. “I got it, don’t worry. I’ll call Ben. We’re going out to diner anyway. We’ll take Em with us.” He said.

Emmett made a gleeful sound and clapped his hands together.

“Great. I’m outta here.” Brian said and turned to leave.

“Hey, where you going, anyway?” Michael called out.

Brian turned around and smiled sexily at Michael. “To the Empire hotel. I’ve got a date with a hot blonde.” He said.

Michael’s brow furrowed. “The Empire hotel? Isn’t that where Justin’s prom was held?” He asked.

Brian’s face went blank. Fuck! Why didn’t he remember that? What the fuck was his blonde up to?

 

*********************************************************************

 

Shane wasn’t out of her car five seconds before she felt a body slam up against her from behind.

“Don’t move.” The man said in a very husky voice as he pushed his hardness into her back

She felt hands run up under shirt and cup her breast. She groaned and placed her hands against the car to steady herself.

“Not here Adam, it’s too risky.” Shane panted and arched her back as Adam gently bit her neck.

This was the first time since Shane was released from the hospital that she got to see Adam again. It had only been two days, but God how she missed him…

After the scene at the hospital, Rena became a liaison between her and Adam. Adam had somehow lured Rena over to his side and enlisted her into being a courier of sorts between the two. They had been exchanging letters for two days now.

The letters were hot, the last one sent her over the edge and she agreed to meet him at “their” hotel tonight. They had parked in the back and planned to go up to their room separately. Adam had already booked a suite for them.

“Mmmmm…” Adam hummed against her neck as he licked the little red mark his teeth made. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you fancy face.” He said and turned her around abruptly.

Shane opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by the almost brutal attack on her mouth. Adam’s kiss was desperate and Shane found herself thrusting her tongue into his mouth, matching his desire with her own.

She raised her arms and wrapped them around his neck and pulled him in to her.  
Adam grinded against her and Shane almost had an orgasm just from the friction and passion between them. She ripped her mouth away from him.

“Adam….stop…please….” She panted, yet her body clung to him, refusing to follow her brain.

Adam leaned his forehead against hers and willed his breathing to slow.

“Fuck Shane, you’re going to kill me.” He said.

Shane laughed. “Not if Brian don’t kill you first.”

That cooled Adam’s ardor. He pulled away from Shane and ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

“Why the fuck are you letting him run your life!” Adam spat out.

Shane straightened up and glared at him. “He’s NOT running my life! You don’t understand.” She said.

“What I understand is that you’re afraid of him! Considering you’ve been pretending to be a boy most of your life, I’d thought you have more balls.” Adam taunted.

 

Shane bristled at his comment. “Fuck you Slatter! I’ve got plenty balls when it counts. Brian is FAMILY! The only family I have. It’s out of RESPECT I am giving him time to get use to us. You could help you know, all you have to do is try to have a conversation with him without fucking insulting him!” Shane yelled.

Adam made a disgusted face. “Please, every fucking word that comes out of his mouth is an insult! You expect me to make nice with him? He’s a selfish arrogant prick who has a fucking God complex. You’re out of your mind if you think he’s going to change his mind about us. He’s blind, deaf and dumb when it comes to me. I can’t change that, I’m not a fucking miracle worker.” Adam snarled, clearly annoyed over the whole situation.

“He will adjust in time, Rena is working on him. He’s just stubborn. And I might add so are you. You COULD try to be civil to him, but you won’t because of your fucking pride! You choose your pride over us.” Shane countered; her eyes tearing up a bit in her anger and frustration.

Adam saw a full-blown argument coming on. Brian was right about one thing, he and Shane together was an explosive combination. There was way too much passion between them that ran boiling hot one minute, then ice cold the next. Their relationship would not be easy by any means, and there would be times when it would be painful for both of them, but he knew in his heart and soul, that the love between them was worth it all. And he knew, Shane believed so as well.

“I don’t want to argue over this. I haven’t seen you in days. All I want to do is get you up to our room, and fuck you all night. So can we stop the fucking dramatics and get going already?” Adam said.

A statement like that would have earned him a good smack from any other woman. But not his Shane. He smiled at her. She was tough as nails, and did not tolerate bullshit. He always spoke plainly and honestly to her, and she to him. It was who they were, and why they were perfect for each other.

 

“I’m not blowing you.” Shane said and smirked at him.

Adam put his hand to his heart a donned a very exaggerated wounded look.

“You are a cruel bitch, you know that?” He said.

Shane laughed. “You get one fucking blow job if you promise to talk to Brian tomorrow about us.” She said.

Adam snarled. “Did I mention you’re a manipulative bitch as well?” He said.

Shane raised her eyebrow, a quirk she picked up from Brian.

Adam sighed. “Ok, FINE! I’ll talk to the prick, now can we go already? I’m getting blue balls standing here.” He said.

Shane walked seductively over to him and reached down and cupped his balls. Adam groaned.

She gently massaged them as she leaned in and whispered in his ear. “Be nice when you talk to him Adam, else I’m going to have these balls for breakfast, understand?” She said and licked his ear.

Adam moaned loudly. “Baby, my balls in your mouth? Ahh… now it might be worth it.” He said and kissed her.

Shane snaked her tongue inside his mouth and squeezed a little harder.

Adam make a choking sound and instinctively pulled away.

“Ok! Ok! I give! I’ll be nice.” He said caving into the pressure. Literally.

Shane moved her mouth back to his ear. “Good boy.” She said and released him.

“Now you were mentioning something about fucking me all night?” She said.

Adam grabbed her hand and let her into the Hotel.

 

 

They were holding hands, and talking softly to each other when they entered the lobby. Neither saw the man at the front desk. Adam walked right up beside him, his eyes never leaving Shane’s and asked the front clerk for his key.

Brian turned his head when he heard that all too familiar voice. His eyes widened in shock when he saw Shane and Adam standing next to him.

Both were giggling and ogling each other like a couple of lovesick kids. He saw red.

The clerk handed Adam the keys.

“What the fuck are you doing here Slatter!” Brian screeched.

Adam groaned and turned to face him.

Shane cursed.

“Nice to see you too Brian. If you must know, I’m here to fuck Shane. And you’re here why?” Adam asked, taunting Brian.

“Jesus Christ Slatter, have you no fucking scruples?! She just got out of the hospital two days ago!” Brian accused.

The man behind the desk looked very uncomfortable.

“Brian, stop it! I wanted to come here. I’m fine. Don’t blame Adam.” Shane defended.

Brian shot her a death glare. “Don’t you DARE defend him to me!” He said between gritted teeth.

“Get over yourself Kinney and stop making her life miserable. She WANTS to be with me. Deal.” Adam said.

Brian snorted. “Yeah, I figured that out the other night while waiting in the emergency room to find out if she was going to live or die because of how much she WANTED to be with you!” Brian screamed in Adam’s face.

“FUCK YOU KINNEY! You know Shit about us!” Adam screamed back at him.

“STOP IT!” Shane screamed at the both of them.

“Gentlemen, please, this is a respectable Hotel, please keep your voices down and stop the profanity or else I’m going to have to call security.” The clerk behind the desk said.

Both men snapped their heads around to glare at him.

Shane pulled on both of their arms leading them away from the desk and over to the sitting area of the lobby.

She shoved both men backwards so they flopped down next to each other on the couch.

“It’s time you BOTH listen to me!” She said with such conviction it took both men by surprised.

She turned to Brian first. “Brian, I love you, you know this. You are Rena's brother,which makes you my brother, my family. I’d do anything for you. But I WON’T let you run my life! I know you think Adam is going to hurt me, and you know what? You may be right. But it’s MY decision! You can’t control love, and I love him Brian. I’m not asking you to get along with him, but I am TELLING you to but out of my personal life. Adam is right, I am a big girl. I’ve survived more shit than you can ever imagine. Actually, I think you can. So PLEASE, give me the respect of letting me make my own decisions. Good or bad.” She said, her eyes pleading with him.

Brian held her gaze for a moment. Respect shone in his eyes. He slowly nodded his head, accepting her decision.

Shane turned to Adam next. “And you…..” She said, her tone stern.

“I love you. But I won’t let you come between my family and me. You WILL show respect to my brother. You don’t have to like him either, but there will be times when you are going to be in the same room with him and I EXPECT you to be cordial. If Brian acts like a prick to you, walk away. I think you can fucking do that for me!” Shane said.

Adam huffed and bristled. Shane sent him a scalding look.

He let out a defeated sigh and shrugged his shoulder sharply. “OK!” He said reluctantly.

Shane let out a relieved breath. “Good.” Now we can each go about our business.”

Brian didn’t like Adam’s reaction, and his “forced” acceptance to Shane’s demand that he be nice to him.

“How's your arm doing Shane? Healing nicely?” He said and threw a look at Adam.

Adam got his not so subtle meaning and countered.

“Her arm is fine, and you would know that if you weren’t too busy with your “intervention”. How’d that go anyway? Healing nicely?” Adam said, sarcasm dripping with each word.

 

Shane threw her arms up in frustration.

“I give up. Fuck you both. I’m moving back in with Viv.” Shane said in an all to serious voice.

Both men got very nervous, but for different reasons.

Brian didn’t want to face Rena’s wrath if she found out Shane left her because of him.

Adam didn’t want to lose the only woman he’s ever loved.

Both spoke up at the same time, each stepping on the others words.

Brian: “Oh no you won’t, you leave and Rena will have my balls.”

Adam: “Oh not you won’t! I just found you, I’d rather you just cut off my balls!”

Brian and Adam both looked at each other and started laughing.

Shane shook her head.

“Well that’s one thing you both have in common. You’re each obsessed with your balls. Men! Geeesh…” Shane said.

Brian got up from the couch and hugged her. “Listen squirt, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll stay out of your personal life, if you promise to come to me, if you ever get in trouble, or need advice. I don’t want you hiding things from me, ok?” Brian said.

“Ok” Shane said and hugged him back.

 

Adam stood up and cleared his throat. “Brian.”

Brian let go of Shane and turned to face Adam.

“I’m not going anywhere, so I think we should try to be civil to each other. I told you the other night, I’m going to talk to Lindsey and Melody this week and tell them my position. I’ll try to negotiate something that will be agreeable to all parties, so to avoid them going to another lawyer and having a long drawn out battle over this.” Adam said as an attempt to extend an olive branch.

Brian accepted that branch. He nodded his head. “Thanks. All I want is what’s best for my son.” He said.

Adam smiled and extended his hand. “Can’t dislike a man who loves his son so much.” He said.

Brian reached his hand out and shook Adam’s briefly.

It was a beginning.

Shane moved to stand by Adams side and hugged him. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered “Thank you.”

She turned back to Brian. “So Bri, why are YOU here?” She said with an impish smile.

Brian put his tongue in his cheek and winked at her.

“Got a hot date.” He said.

Shane laughed. “Better not let Justin find out. Talk about having your balls cut off!”

All three laughed.

“Let me worry about Justin.” He said mysterious.

He turned to Adam. “Take care of her.” He said.

“I will.” Adam said.

Brian nodded and said goodnight. He headed back to the front desk.

Adam looked at Shane. “See, I can be nice.” He said grinning at her.

“Yeah, well don’t get use to it. I expect you to be very, very bad tonight” She said, lust darkening her eyes.

Adam groaned and took her by the wrist. He led her to the elevator and prayed it had an emergency stop button. He didn’t think he’d last until they got to their room….

 

Brian approached the clerk behind the desk. “As I was saying, I’m here to meet a Justin Taylor. Has he arrived yet?” He said.

The night clerk gave Brian a reproachful look. “There isn’t going to be anymore trouble, is there?” He asked suspiciously.

Brian sighed. “No, there isn’t. Not unless you continue to dick me around. Now is Justin Taylor here?” Brian asked again.

The clerk gave Brian a haughty look. “He’s in the Aladdin Ballroom. It’s being renovated right now, so there is no event being held there tonight. He asked for you to meet him in there.” The clerk said, leaving out the part where Justin bribed him to have use of the room. It was off limits to guests because of the renovations.

Brian’s heart clenched. He remembered that room. It was the room where Justin’s prom was held.

He handed the clerk a $20 dollar bill and turned to find Justin. He knew the way to ballroom. He’d never forget it.

His mind was racing as he roamed the halls of the Hotel. What the fuck was Justin thinking! Was this part of his intervention? Brian groaned inwardly. God he hoped not. He did NOT want to go through this again. The last time they did this it was an utter disaster. All Justin remembered was a bat swinging towards his head. It was torturous for the both of them trying to get him to remember anything else; especially when all Brian wanted to do was forget.

He turned the corner of the hotel’s lobby and saw the massive doors to the Aladdin. There was a “NO ENTER” sign posted in front of it. He straightened his shoulders and headed towards the entry.

Placing his hands on the handles, he took a deep breath and swung open the doors. His eyes scanned the room briefly. The walls were half painted, and the tables were removed, but other than that, the room looked pretty much the same as it did that night.

He shut the doors behind him and walked towards the middle.

“Justin?” He called out.

Music started playing. It started very low, but then grew louder. Brian’s heart raced, he recognized the song.

Justin came walking out from behind a partition at the far end of the room.

Brian’s breath caught in his throat. He froze.

Walking towards him was a vision. A vision he didn’t believe he’d ever see again.

Justin, wearing the same tux he wore that night, looking as beautiful as he did that night, wearing that same smile….that same brilliant smile as if he, as if he…

Justin reached him and held out his hand, his other hand was behind his back.

Brian took his hand, looking very much like a deer caught in the headlights. It was too surreal, he felt like he was dreaming.

Justin brought his other hand out from behind his back. In it, he held a white silk scarf. He handed it to Brian.

Brian took it with his free hand and automatically draped it around his neck.

The words to the song drifted over them….

_'Cause don't forget who's taking you home  
And in whose arms you're gonna be  
So darling, save the last dance for me  
Save the last dance for me  
Save the last dance for me.'_

Brian placed his free hand on Justin’s waist.

Justin moved in closer and looked up at Brian. He winked and smiled.

“I believe this is the part where we dance.” He said, wearing that fucking brilliant smile…

He remembered. He fucking remembered! Brian’s heart raced. The look on Justin’s face left no doubt in his mind. Justin remembered prom night. Brian’s mind was racing. So many thoughts, so many emotions were running through him.

“Don’t worry Bri, I promise you, it won’t be our last dance.” Justin said, feeling the inner turmoil in his lover.

Brian smiled awkwardly. His senses were coming back slowly.

Justin remembered. He remembered the dance…

Brian's feet started moving to the music..


	49. Damned if I Do

“Revenge is a confession of pain.”

~ Latin proverb

 

 

“We were ridiculously romantic.” Justin stated, yet again, in a tired, languid voice.

Brian sighed in resignation and pulled him tighter against his body. They were both comfortably ensconced in their bed at the loft, each were painfully sated from hours of intense sex.

It was the closest to being at peace that Brian had ever felt.

He closed his eyes and held on to the moment, knowing it would pass all too soon.

Justin stretched like a lazy cat against him, flexing his sore muscles. The movement was unbearably seductive and Brian’s body instinctively responded.

“Of course the best part of the evening was when your lips brushed against my ear so briefly that I thought for a moment I must have imagined it. But I didn’t. And then you said it. You dipped me and whispered into my ear, “I love you…” Mmmm…. I remember it so clearly…” Justin continued in a smooth, liquid tone as he snuggled deeper into Brian. Brian smiled at his blonde’s ploy.

 

Getting his memory back took a big burden from Justin’s shoulder. It both surprised and elated Brian that Justin remembered that night with excitement and joy, and not with pain or anger. Brian feared for the longest time that if Justin should ever regain his memory, he would be bitter and angry. He should have known better. That wasn’t his Sunshine.

His Sunshine chose to view the events of that night as magical and romantic. Ever the idealist.

And of course, in typical “Sunshine” fashion, he also chose to torture Brian with his newfound memory by reminding him of every “ridiculously romantic” detail of that night.

 

“Yes, I remember it too Sunshine. And I remembered it the first time you told me tonight at the hotel when we started dancing. And the second time you told me, when I slammed you up against the ballroom wall and fucked you. And my memory was still intact when I dragged you to the car and fucked you again. I won’t even mention the five times or more you’ve told me since we’ve been home. I’m not the one who needs reminding, remember?”

Brian teased and playfully nipped at the soft spot just below Justin’s ear.

He was happy Justin was reliving that night as if it were some romantic fantasy. He was even allowing himself to get lost in Justin’s version of that night. But the truth was, Brian’s memory of that fateful night was riddled with pain and guilt. Yes, they were happy, but their happiness cost them dearly. Love came at a price. A very high price that Brian had paid once too many times.

Justin’s memory was vivid, and painfully accurate. They now shared that curse, though Justin chose to view it as a gift, and not a curse.

Yes, he remembered telling Justin that fateful night that he loved him for the first time. He was glad they now shared that particular memory.

But there were some things, thankfully, Justin didn’t remember. Things Brian would never forget.

He would never forget that it was his romantic gesture of showing up at the prom that provoked the attack.  
He would never forget the sick, helpless feeling that consumed him as he held his love in his arms, his life hanging by a thread as his numb fingers, numb from shock, fumbled as he tried to dial 911.  
He would never forget riding in the ambulance with Justin and watching the paramedic’s perform CPR on Justin when his heart stopped beating for a second.  
He would never forget sitting for three days and three nights in the waiting room, numb, unable to talk, eat or move.  
He would never forget the crashing reality that hit him when Justin awoke and he found out that he would never be the same again, emotionally or physically.  
And he would never forget that it was his fault.

No, Justin didn’t need to remind him.

Brian would never forget the events of that night, no matter how hard he has tried over the past two years.

 

Justin giggled dizzily unaware of Brian’s dark thoughts. He was floating on a cloud. It was 4 o’clock in the morning he was with the love of his life, and he had his memory back.

“We were amazing, weren’t we?” Justin asked quietly.

Brian held his breath for a minute.

“We were alright.” He finally said.

He felt Justin stiffen. He nuzzled Justin’s neck, and licked the small mark his teeth had left on his sensitive skin.

“You were amazing.” He whispered.

Justin let his body relax against Brian’s. Some time passed before Brian heard him speak again. He was just starting to doze off.

“Bri?”

“hmmm…”

“Why did it take you over two years to say it again?” He asked.

Brian groaned. He knew this was coming. When he saw Justin tonight, dressed in that tuxedo, looking more radiant then he had ever seen him, including that night at the prom, he knew Justin had his memory back. The boy positively glowed with joy and love. It floored and humbled Brian.

They spent the night reliving the dance, and the love that flowed so easily between them that night, each avoiding talking about the terrible events that ended that evening. But Brian knew, sooner or later, they were going to have to deal with it.

The “Honeymoon” period of the return of Justin’s memory was about to end. It gave Brian no joy knowing that the cruel reality of that night was about to crush his boy’s fantasy.

Brian shifted over onto his other side, unable to face Justin. His chest felt heavy. A familiar feeling that came each time he was reminded of the awful events of that night.

“Our dance, as amazing as it was, “Brian started to say in a very tight voce.

“was also the cause of your attack.” Brian stated flatly.

Justin also knew this was coming. Though he did view the events of that night as magical, and romantic, he was very much aware that it also held memories of pain and destruction.

However, unlike Brian, Justin was able to revel in the beauty of that night without letting the events that followed taint it. Though he was the one who was bashed, Brian was the one who had witnessed it. He knew if the situation were reversed, Justin would have not been strong enough to watch Brian suffer. Justin was glad it was him, and not Brian who was attacked. It was far worse to watch someone you love suffer, then to suffer yourself.

For too long Brian carried around painful memories that Justin had no recollection of, but worse than that, he carried the extra burdened of guilt. A guilt that was unwarranted, and it was about time Brian knew the truth of what really happened that night.

“Brian, look at me.” Justin said confidently, and quietly.

Brian didn’t move. He couldn’t look at Justin, if he did Justin would see the guilt, the rightful guilt, in his eyes and now that he got his memory back, he would surely hate him for being the reason he nearly got killed.

Justin watched Brian’s back, and the slight shudder in his shoulders. His heart lurched. He knew the pain Brian was experiencing.

He reached over and placed his hand on Brian’s shoulder. Brian accepted his touch quietly.

“I know I told you a long time ago it wasn’t your fault, but even though I believed it then, I didn’t KNOW it to be true until I got my memory back. There are things that happened that night that you don’t know about, that I had forgotten.” Justin said.

This got Brian’s attention. He turned around to face Justin. Justin’s breath caught in his throat when he saw the unshed tears in Brian’s eyes.

He placed his hands on Brian’s chest.

“I couldn’t put two and two together before because I only had part of the equation.” Justin said.

Brian sat up and looked at Justin.

“What are you talking about?” He said.

Justin steered himself. He was putting this part off because he knew Brian would be angry with him. It was selfish of him but he didn’t want to ruin the joy of sharing the memory of the dance with him. He should have told Brian first off. Brian had suffered enough, and for too long.

“Do you remember I told you and my mother that I wasn’t going to the prom?” He asked.

Brian nodded his head. “Yeah, I remember. You said there was no way you were taking part of some fucking hetero ritual.” Brian smiled at Justin.

“But as I recall, your mother and Deb talked you into it.” He added.

Justin gave him a dubious look. “Come on Bri, you know me better than that. Do you think anyone can talk me into doing something I don’t want to do? Hell, my mother AND Deb both tried to talk me out of chasing you. And look how well that turned out.” Justin smiled brilliantly at Brian.

Brian laughed. “Ok, you got me there. So what did change your mind?” He asked almost afraid to hear the answer.

 

“Chris Hobbs.”

The name loomed foul and chilling in the air between them.

“I think you better explain yourself Sunshine.” Brian said carefully.

 

“I meant what I said. I had no intention of going to that farce. I hated most of the kids there you know that. Daphne was the only friend I had at the school, and she had no trouble getting a date to the prom. She turned down an offer with the captain of the swim team to go with me because I asked her. Of course that was before I asked you, and you turned me down.” Justin said nervously, his words strung together tightly and coming out rapidly.

Brian recognized the ploy. “Get to the point.” He said.

Justin took a deep breath. “The week before the prom Chris came up to me and told me I had better not show my “fag” ass at the prom if I knew what was good for me.” He said.

“Jesus fuck Justin! Why didn’t you tell me this?” Brian said as he sprang from the bed. He stared down at Justin.

“Brian, calm down. I know it was stupid of me, but I was NOT about to let him scare me away from the prom!” Justin defended.

“YOU SHOULD HAVE!” Brian yelled.

“Yeah, well I didn’t.” Justin paused and stood up to face Brian.

“I knew he was bent on starting trouble that night. I kind of expected it. Showing up was a rebellious act on my part. But I wasn’t about to let him or anyone dictate to me where I could, and couldn’t go. And then you came to the prom, and it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. YOU came for me. Hobbs had completely left my mind.” Justin confessed.

Brian’s expression turned cold and impassive. Justin knew he was blaming himself for showing up and provoking Hobbs into attacking Justin. But that wasn’t’ the case.

“It wasn’t your fault Brian. Before you even showed up, Hobbs came up to me and laughed in my face. He told me he knew I’d show up, and that he was ready. He said it was time I got what I deserved.” Justin paused, waiting to see how Brian would take this bit of new information.

Brian remained impassive. Justin could see that the implications of what he just said didn’t hit him yet.

Justin took a deep breath before he continued.

“Brian, do you think Hobbs just “happened” to have a baseball bat in his limo that night?” He asked.

And there it was. Brian’s eyes narrowed and darkened dangerously. Realization hit him hard and his nostrils flared with his anger. Hobbs intended to attack Justin all along. Brian’s presence had nothing to do with it. Hobbs PLANNED it all along. A chill ran down his spine.

Justin pressed on. “Brian, you really did save my life. Hobbs was waiting for me to show up. He planned it. Your presence had nothing to do with it. I can’t even begin to think of what could have happened if you weren’t there! Hobbs would have found a way to lure me into some remote place and attack me and leave me to bleed to death. God knows how long I would have lain in a pool of my own blood before someone found me, that’s assuming someone would have found me. He could have easily dragged me to the lake behind the Hotel and dumped me in there!” Justin spoke with frank, raw emotion.

Brian turned away from Justin. Rage consumed him. He had always believed that it was his presence that provoked Hobbs into attacking Justin; he never considered that Hobbs had planned it all along. It made Brian’s blood boil, and hate burned deep in his gut.

A stupid act committed out of a moment’s rage was far different from that of a premeditated attempt at murder. This put Hobbs in a whole new category. Not some stupid kid who did a stupid thing that almost cost someone their life, but a cold hearted killer, who calculated to, at the very least, hurt Justin bad.

Justin saw Brian’s back stiffen; he put his hand on his shoulder and slowly urged him around to face him again.

 

“I know how you feel, I felt the same way at first but we can’t let this consume us. It’s done. The courts failed us and I can’t allow either of us to do something stupid that will not only lower us to his level, but also destroy our family. Let it go Brian, we have no choice. Let’s just thank God that he didn’t accomplish what he set out to do.” Justin pleaded with Brian.

He knew exactly how Brian felt. When Justin was in session with Rena, and that part of the evening came back to him, rage coursed through his veins like fire. Thoughts of vengeance clouded his thinking.

He discussed it at length with Rena. It was frustrating to know Hobbs got away with attempted murder. It wasn’t how the Judge concluded; an impulsive, irresponsible act committed in the heat of rage, with no premeditated thought, brought on by the “spectacle” he and Brian made of their “unnatural” relationship. It was just the opposite; Hobbs had planned to hurt Justin, way before Brian showed up. It WAS premeditated, but Justin couldn’t refute the Judge’s decision, because Justin had no recollection of Hobbs threat that night.

Fucking homophobic court system! But there was nothing to be done about it. Revenge was not an option. Rena made him see the logic of that. She also made him realize that the hardest part would be convincing Brian of that. They each had too much to lose. The courts would not be so understanding if he or Brian who were to stand before it defending themselves for committing the same heinous act.

Brian looked down into Justin’s eyes and saw fear. Justin knew he would never be able to let this go now. Not that he ever had, but this was too much to bear. Hobb’s planned to attack Justin, and he very well could have killed him. It wasn’t an impulsive act committed in the heat of rage. It was premeditated. Hobbs was more dangerous than Brian had thought and he had to deal with it.

Justin started to panic. He could read every vengeful, hateful emotion in his eyes.

“Brian please, don’t! Promise me you won’t do anything! I know you Brian! Stay away from Hobbs! This state has the death penalty for God sakes! He’s not worth it. Don’t do this to us!” Justin spoke his fears bluntly and passionately.

There were two things in this life that Justin was sure of. One, was Brian’s love for him. The second was that Brian would give his life to protect Justin.

Brian now believed that as long as Hobbs lived, he was a threat to Justin. It was why he dreaded telling Brian this crucial detail he remembered from that night, but he had no choice. The alternative was to let Brian go on believing he was the cause of Justin’s attack. It was a case of damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. And the look in Brian’s eyes was telling him they were both damned if Brian went through with Justin’s worse fear.

He grabbed Brian’s forearms and pulled him towards him in desperation.

Tears welled in his eyes. “Promise me!” He demanded.

Brian put his hands on Justin’s shoulders and squeezed them gently. He forced his face to relax as he smiled down at him.

“Easy tiger…” He said a bit too jovially.

“I’m not going to do anything stupid. Hell, I’d have to marry you first before I can make you a widower. And you KNOW I’m not the marrying type.” He said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Justin relaxed a bit. He reached up and hugged Brian’s neck pressing his body tightly against his own.

“I just want us to go forward and live our lives in peace for a change.” He cried into Brian’s neck.

Brian wrapped his arms around him and hugged him fiercely. “Shhh… It’s going to be fine, I promise.” He whispered.

Justin calmed a bit and let Brian lead him back into bed. Brian pulled the covers up over them and drew Justin tight against him. He stroked his hair and whispered soothing, reassuring words to him. The last thing he wanted was for Justin to worry about Hobbs. Ever again.

“You promise Brian?” Justin asked again in a weak voice.

Brian kissed the top of his head. “I promise.” He said.

Justin relaxed and started to drift off. Everything would be fine, Brian promised…

As sleep claimed Justin, a nagging thought remained. Brian promised everything was going to be fine. He didn’t promise to stay away from Hobbs…….

 

*************************************************************************************

 

Rena lounged back on the white leather couch in her living room and stared out through the massive windows that took up the entire length of her living room walls with blank eyes. The stars were brilliant tonight and the view was spectacular. But Rena could find no joy in it, or the two bottles of wine she consumed tonight.

The events of the evening replayed in her mind over and over again. She was very pleased and excited that Justin got his memory back. It was a huge step in the healing process. He accepted the events of that evening with an understand and acceptance that was unexpected. He focused on the love, and not the pain. A talent she wished he could teach Brian.

Brian….

Not for the first time that evening did she question her decision to help Justin get his memory back. It was one of those catch 22 situations. Damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. If she hadn’t agreed, her brother and Justin would have had the burden of that night forever hanging over their heads. The guilt of being “responsible” for Justin’s bashing would have festered in Brian as time went on.

She couldn’t have let that happened, but there were times when not knowing was better than knowing. And this may be one of those times.

Justin remembered Hobbs threatening him at the dance. It was not Brian’s presence that set Hobbs off, Hobbs had intended to attack Justin long before Brian was even in the picture.

She knew what Brian would do once he found out.

And she knew what she had to do to prevent that.

She awkwardly reached over and grabbed a cigarette from the coffee table along with the Zippo lighter and tried several times to light it before she managed to spark the tip. Once she accomplished that feat, she threw the Zippo back onto the coffee table and watched it skid across the slick surface to land on the floor on the other side. She picked up the bottle of wine again with her other hand and took a deep swig as she fell back against the couch. The cigarette dangled from her dainty fingers over the side of the couch. Tiny hot ashes fell to the floor.

This was how James found her when he walked in. It was half past four in the morning and he was just getting in. He had spent the last several hours with Emmett arguing. It was NOT a pleasant evening for him, and coming home to find Rena in this condition did nothing to improve his mood.

He walked over to her and plucked the near empty bottle of Ata Rengi Chardonnay out of her hand. At $800 a bottle she should at least use a glass he thought sullenly.

He put the bottle down on the coffee table and sighed deeply as he sat down besides her. She looked over at him with drunken glazed eyes. He frowned. He saw those eyes before. Once. When Emilian had called her. His heart raced.

“Domina, what has happened?” He asked urgently.

 

Rena looked over at her “man”. She often wondered what she did in life to deserve him. Next to Brian, James was the only other man Rena trusted. For some reason not known to her, or anyone else, James took her under his wing and pledged his loyalty to her. She did nothing to deserve it. At first, he was just her bodyguard. Viv had hired him to protect her. But as time went on, he became so much more.

 

There was a connection between them that was unmistakable. They should be much closer then they were, but James had always managed to keep the relationship at arms lengths. And it wasn’t because he was gay. It was because he respected the “protector/protectee” roles they adopted.

He was her protector. And as such, he protected her even from himself.

She remembered the time she had seduced him. She had mistakenly thought he was in love with her from afar. She found out quickly that was not the case. Though he did manage to have sex with her, he did it out of obligation, duty if you will, and not “love”. Not the romantic kind anyway. He was merely servicing his Mistress as she requested. Oddly enough, it did not bruise her ego, it only sparked her curiosity. James was a very curious man.

It was then that Rena realized that James would do anything for her.

Rena had no illusions as to who James was, or what he did before he came to work for Viv. She did not judge him, it was his job. And she was under no illusions that at times during their relationship, James had to resort to the “skills” of his past profession to protect Rena.

A fact she had selfishly filed away in the back of her mind. It was the “dirty” little secret that neither ever acknowledged.

James killed Emilian.

She suspected James knew, she knew, but neither spoke of it. What would be the point? He would deny it, and she would only feel guilty that she was the cause of him resorting to murder for her protection. So instead of facing that guilt, she chose to honor the “secrecy” of that particular deed.

Over the years, it became easier. After all, the world was a much better place with out Emilian in it. He killed Andy, raped and almost killed her, and stole Brian’s childhood from him. If anyone deserved to die, it was Emilian. Still, in her heart, in her soul, she knew she could not condone his murder. It went against everything her mother had taught her. “May God’s Will prevail.” Maria would often say. The only consolation she had was that she did not ask James to kill Emilian. He did that on his own. She didn’t condemn it, but she didn’t condone it either.

It was a luxury to have such a clear conscious on such a serious matter. A luxury she had enjoyed for way too long. A luxury she would no longer be afforded.

Rena saw the heavy concern in James’s eyes.

She cringed inwardly. She knew what she was about to do was not only unfair to James, a man who has dedicated his life to protecting her, it was cruel. After years of unwavering loyalty, she was about to repay him by using him for her own selfish purposes.

She had never lied to James before, and she had no doubt he would know she is lying now. It would not matter to him though. His dedication to her was without question. Her motives were irrelevant.

The one good thing about this whole fucked up situation was that James would know she was doing it for Brian, and James felt the same loyalty towards him, as he did towards her. Well almost the same. If it came down to it, James would save Rena before Brian. She hoped that never came to pass.

It was her turn to save Brian. She was grateful to have this opportunity to save at least one of her brothers.

She had failed both her brothers miserably in the past. She had failed Andy. She should have done more to help him, but she let Brian do the dirty work. And she failed Brian. She was too afraid to do what Brian had the courage to do, risk eternal damnation to end Andy’s suffering. She was ashamed that she did not have the courage to do the task herself.

But now destiny has given her the opportunity to repay him. She mentally laughed at the irony of it all. The longer she lived, the more convinced she was that nothing was left to chance. Destiny ruled all thier lives.

She was a trained psychiatrist. A Scientist of the medical field taught that there is a scientific answer to all the worlds’ questions. But as all doctors learn, there are some things in this life that have no explanation and can only be attributed to that elusive thing mankind calls “fate”. What the ancients called Fatum.

And it was fate, which now presented this gift to her.

James saw the myriad of emotions flirt across her delicate features. His brow furrowed in deeper concern.

“Domina, you are starting to worry me. Tell me, what has happened?” He asked again, his tone more demanding this time.

Rena sat up on the couch and clumsily reached over to dab the cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table. James had to guide her hand, it was too shaky.

She sat back up and faced James. In a small, quiet voice she spoke the words she knew would forever seal her fate.

 

“Chris Hobbs is a threat to me.” She said.


	50. Finding Solution

"Men of ill judgment ignore the good that lies within their hands, till they have lost it.”

~ Sophocles

 

“Brian, Emmett’s on the phone. He say’s it’s important.” Shane popped her head into his office and made the simple request with much trepidation.

“It always is.” Brian said in a low, emotionless voice. His chair was facing away from the door. He didn’t bother to turn around to address Shane.

Shane bit her bottom lip. Her boss was in a mood; one she wasn’t familiar with.

Over the past few weeks, Shane had become accustomed to pretty much all of Brian’s moods. She had witnessed him angry, sad, playful, dismissive, considerate and at times peevish, which was usually brought on by a confrontation with Justin. Brian had many moods, and Shane made a point of recognizing, and responding to each appropriately. It made her job so much easier.

She knew how to diffuse his bad moods, like when he got upset, or worse, petulant. And she knew how to encourage and take advantage of his good moods. She considered dealing with Brian’s moods as part of her job description.

Today however, she was having trouble deciphering is mood. It was one she had never encountered before. He wasn’t quite upset, or depressed. He was… somber. That was the only word Shane could think of to describe Brian’s current state. This “somber” Brian was uncharted territory and Shane was unsure on how to proceed.

“Um, Bri, I think you should talk to him. He say’s its REALLY important.” Shane ventured.

Brian didn’t answer her. Shane stood halfway in the doorway not sure what to do. After a few minutes past, she sighed and started to retreat.

“Put him through.” Brian said in a very quiet voice.

Shane paused, uncertain if she heard him, but then he turned around quickly and raised his eyebrow at her, as if asking, “why are you still standing there?”

She immediately went back to her desk and patched Emmett through.

“Yeah.” Brian said in a deadpan voice as he switched on the speakerphone.

“Brian, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think you better get to Rena’s house, now.” Emmett said with out preamble.

Brian picked up the receiver. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He said, his voice taking on a serious “don’t fuck with me today” tone.

“I was just on the phone with James, we were in the middle of a conversation when he cursed and dropped the phone. I could hear him in the background calling out Rena’s name. I tried calling back, but the line is dead now.” Emmett said.

Brian’s heart skipped a beat. “When.” He asked.

“Not five minutes ago.” Emmett replied.

Brian hung up the phone without saying good-bye and grabbed his coat as he headed out of his office.

Shane shot up when she saw Brian bypass the elevator and head for the stairs. He whisked by her without saying a word in his haste to leave. She ran after him, knowing something was wrong.

“Brian, wait!” She yelled out as she jogged down the flight of stairs trying to keep up with him.

“What the fuck happened!” She yelled.

“Rena.” He said with out missing a step. He reached the bottom of the stairs and threw open the door to the front of the building. His long legs gave him an advantage and Shane was having a hard time keeping up with him.

She grabbed the stair rail and vaulted over it landing at the bottom on bent knees. She then sprang back up with an agility that was unmistakably cat like and sprinted out the building towards Brian’s retreating figure. She was NOT about to him leave without her.

“Brian WAIT!” She yelled again as she ran after him. Brian was already in his car, turning the key in the ignition when Shane reached for the passenger side door. She just managed to jump inside when Brian sped out of the parking garage.

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Justin.

 

***********************************************************************

 

“Not bad Taylor. I see a broad spectrum of interpretations in this piece. Your use of colors is bold without being over pretentious. Your approach is assertive in its intent yet ambiguous in its direction. The lines are clean and direct. There is a definite maturity to your work Taylor. I’m impressed.” Justin’s professor exclaimed.

At any other time, Justin would have been extremely flattered, and appreciative of such a compliment, but not today. Today, he couldn’t care less what his professor thought. He was painting for himself.

He and Brian had only gotten a few hours sleep last night, but Justin had never felt more energized. He’d been painting for the past hour and his hand had not twitched or cramped once in that time.

There were so many emotions raging through him that needed an outlet, and this particular painting he was working on gave it to him. The fact that his hand was cooperating was a gift Justin wasn’t about to question.

He briefly thought about the piece he was doing for Rena and how painstakingly slow his progress was on it. He smiled to himself. Rena was right. Getting his memory back did a lot to improve his motor skills, if his current condition was any indication.

Right now, his hand was receiving images from his brain and transferring them onto the canvas with speed, ease and accuracy. Justin was flying.

“Thanks Professor Hanks. I’m just glad my hand is cooperating today.” Justin voiced his thoughts out loud.

The Professor nodded, aware of Justin’s handicap. It always amazed, and impressed him that the boy never let it hinder his progress in class. If he had to stay for hours after class to finish a project, he would. Taylor was one of those rare students that “lived” his art. Not lived “for” his art, but actually lived it.

The determination and ability he had to reach down deep and pull that “thing” that makes an artist great was remarkable. Not because he managed to reach that place, but because he reached it, brought it forth, then forced his crippled hand to translate it on to the canvas through what he could only imagine was agonizing pain.

Justin Taylor was an abstract expressionist whose work would be recognized amongst the greats one day and the Professor took great pride in knowing that he had a small part in the boy’s early developmental stage.

Justin reached over and dabbed his paint brush against his pallet muting the color from it a bit when he felt his pants vibrate from his cell. He frowned. He didn’t want stop painting, but he didn’t dare not answer it. Everyone knew he was in class at this time, the fact that someone was calling him meant it must be important.

He gave the Professor an apologetic look then excused himself. He put his brush and pallet down and pulled his cell out as he walked out of the class room.

“Justin, get to Rena’s now.” Brian’s voice came over frantic.

Justin searched his pocket with his free hand for his car keys. Fuck! They were in the classroom with his jacket and messenger bag.

“I’m on my way, what’s up.” He said, trying to keep the fear out of his voice as he stormed back into class and gathered his coat and bag. He quickly pulled his keys out and headed out the classroom ignoring the startled look from his classmates and the Professor.

“Some things wrong with Rena, I don’t know what. You’re closer to her house then I am. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” Brian said.

PIFA was only about ten minutes from Rena’s house; Kinnetik was a good half hour from Rena’s.

“Ok, calm down. I’ll be there in five. Be careful I’ll call you as soon as I get there.” Justin said.

Brian hung up.

Five minutes later Justin was at Rena’s door. Rena had given him a key and the code to the alarm so he could go in and paint in the atrium anytime he wanted. He had a sick feeling when he entered the house that he’d done this before. In New York.

“RENA!” He called out to the empty house as he started searching the rooms.

“Justin, is that you?” James’s voice rang out.

“Yeah, where are you?” Justin asked as he started climbing the stairs to the second floor where James voice came from.

“Up in the Master bathroom. Rena’s having another seizure.” James said.

FUCK! Justin thought. He pulled out his cell.

“What is it?” Brian picked up before the first ring had finished.

“She’s having another seizure. James is with her.” Justin said as he walked into the bathroom.

It was deja vu. There was Rena, in the tub and James was pouring a bucket of ice into the water.

“Are you with her?” Brian asked, bringing Justin back to the conversation.

“I just walked in. James has her in a tub of cold water.” He said.

“Did he call 911?” Brian asked.

“James, did you call 911?” Justin relayed the question.

“No, it just happened.” James answered.

“No it ju…”

“I heard, call 911.” Brian said.

Justin hung up the phone and flipped it open to dial 911.

James caught Justin’s movement, and knowing his intent, knocked the phone from his hand. It skidded across the bathroom floor.

Justin gasped at him. “What the fuck are you doing? Brian wants us to call 911!” Justin stated angrily and reached for his phone.

“Rena doesn’t want that. I won’t go against her wishes. If you want to dial 911, then get out. You won’t do it in this house.” James was immobile on this. The determined set to his jaw brooked no argument.

Justin hesitated not knowing what to do. He didn’t want to leave Rena, Brian would want him to stay with her, but Brian also made it clear that if Rena ever had another seizure, he wanted her in a hospital.

Thankfully, Justin didn’t have time to decide; he heard Brian burst into the house.

“Rena!” Brian called out.

“Up here.” Justin yelled down.

Brian loped up the stairs with Shane right on his heels.

When he reached the bathroom he froze. Shane slammed into is back at his abrupt halt. Brian stumbled forward from the impact.

“Fuck!” Justin cursed and reached out to steady Brian. He had forgotten that Brian had never witness Rena having a seizure before.

The last time Rena had an attack it was in New York. It was Justin who accidentally stumbled onto the scene. By the time Brian arrived, she had come out of it.

Justin remembered all too well his reaction to seeing Rena like that for the first time. To the untrained observer, she could have been mistaken for dead. That was how lifeless her body appeared. It wasn’t until he saw James take a crop to her that he realized she wasn’t. The whole incident was extremely disconcerting.

Brian was having a similar reaction to seeing is sister in the mist of an attack. Justin went over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“She’s going to be fine Bri. James is handling it. You know he’s been dealing with her seizures for years. She’s going to be fine.” Justin reiterated reassuringly in hopes of bringing Brian out of what seemed to be his own version of a comatose state at seeing his sister.

Brian shrugged Justin’s hand away and walked towards his sister.

“Re..” He said softly and reached into the tub and placed his hands under her arms, pulling her forward.

Shane looked over at James. “How long this time?” She asked.

“It’s been almost 30 minutes” He said to her, then turned to face Brian.

“Brian, she needs to be shocked out of this. I know you don’t approve, but if we wait much longer, we risk possible brain damage.” James stated flatly.

“The ambulance will be here any minute.” Brian said.

“Brian, I didn’t call 911.” Justin said.

Brian shot him a look that was so furious it made Justin cringe.

“I wouldn’t let him. It is Rena’s wish. I cannot go against her wishes.” James said.

“I’M HER BROTHER! YOU WILL NOT DEFY ME!” Brian shouted at James, rage and fear heavy in his voice.

James was in a precarious position. He would not go against his Dominas’ wishes, but he would not hurt her brother either. He simply shook his head no.

Shane took a step back, dreading the confrontation that was brewing.

Brian growled his frustration. He turned his attention back to Rena.

“Rena, listen to me. You have to get up, NOW!” He shook her frantically.

‘God please help me’ he silently prayed. He did not want to resort to beating her to get her to respond. He was beaten so much as a child that he swore a long time ago to never hit anyone he loved in anger, ever and he would not start now.

Justin took advantage of the distraction and darted for his phone.

James caught the movement from the corner of his eye and turned to stop him.

“Don’t you DARE fucking touch him!” Brian yelled at James as he hauled Rena’s soaking wet body up from the tub.

 

Justin grabbed his cell and dashed out of the bathroom, James went after him.

 

“Shane, go help him!” He yelled to her. Shane ran out of the bathroom not knowing what she could do to help Justin. James was NOT a man to be fucking with.

Brian cursed ferociously. He couldn’t just drop Rena, but he was afraid James might hurt Justin trying to get the phone away from him. He knew James would never intentionally hurt Justin, but he was determined to get that phone, and Brian knew that Justin was just as determined, and stubborn to make that call.

“Rena, get the fuck up and help me for God sakes!” Brian said angrily to his sisters’ limp, wet body. She was wearing a nightgown of sorts that was plastered to her body and getting tangled around his legs as he dragged her from the tub.

Rena’s body twitched.

“JUSTIN!” Brian called out. Anxiety and panic heavy in his voice.

Rena must have heard or felt her brothers’ distress.

“Brian….” She muttered.

Brian looked down at her. “JAMES! She’s coming around. Get your ass in here!” He shouted.

James bolted back into the bathroom before Brian finished his sentence. Shane was right behind him looking disheveled and panting.

“Domina!” James said and helped Brian lift her body. Between the both of them, they gently carried her out of the bathroom.

“You better not have hurt him.” Brian’s eye’s bore into James’s.

James stared back. “As if I could.” He said and shook his head.

“I’d have to catch him first. Kid is more slippery then an eel.” James said.

“And that witch,” James motioned his head towards Shane. “threw herself on the floor in front of me causing me to trip. I nearly broke my neck.”

Brian gave Shane a grateful smile.

Justin had his cell open and was dialing when Brian and James walked in the bedroom with a very wet Rena.

“Forget it, she’s up.” Brian said.

Justin flipped the phone shut and rushed to their sides.

“You can’t put her in the bed like this, she’s soaking wet.” Shane said.

“Then get us some fucking towels or something.” Brian growled out noting his favorite slate gray Armani suit was now ruined.

Shane ran back into the bathroom. She returned with an arm full of towels.

“I can stand, put me down.” Rena said somewhat coherently. She was slowly coming around.

Brian looked at James who nodded his head. They slowly let her feet touch the ground while supporting her on each side.

 

Rena’s legs were still too shaky to hold her up on their own. She needed the support.

“Get me a chair.” She said.

Justin’s eye’s scanned the room and fell on the chair behind her computer desk. He retrieved it and brought it to Rena. Brian and James slowly lowered her into it.

Her teeth started chattering.

“Domina, let me help you out of these wet cloths.” James said and bent over to tug her nightgown over her head.

Rena pushed him away.

“NO!” She said forcefully, and unexpectedly. James stood back in shock.

She had never spoken to him like that, or refused his help before.

Rena turned her head away from him to hide her tears. She just couldn’t face him now; she couldn’t accept his help, not after what she had done last night. Guilt and shame washed over her.

“Leave me.” She said quietly.

Brian looked at James, also stunned. Something was terribly wrong. Rena was rejecting James, and James looked like his world just crashed in on him.

He put his hand on James’s shoulder. “Go, Shane and I will tend to her. Wait for me downstairs.” He said.

James looked up at him with such wounded eyes; it nearly broke Brian’s heart. He never doubted James’s love and loyalty to his sister, but if he ever did, the look in James’s eyes right now would have dispelled any doubt.

“You go too Brian, I don’t want you here. Where’s Justin?” Rena said.

Truth was, she couldn’t face either James, or her brother right now.

She felt responsible for the current situation Brian was in. If she hadn’t helped Justin get his memory back, Brian would have never learned that Hobbs had planned all along to attack Justin that night.

She was shocked herself to learn that the attack was premeditated.

When a person plans over a period of time to do violence to another, and then actually goes through with it, there is some serious psychological psychosis, or disorder involved.

Brian was right to be concerned for Justin with this new information. What he would do about it, Rena wasn’t sure, but she couldn’t risk what would happen should he tangle with a person that unstable. She feared for his safety.

Which led her to her desperate actions last night. Telling James that Hobbs was a threat to her. She didn’t know what Brian would do, but she KNEW what James would do.

Rena closed her eyes tight forcing the tears to stop from over flowing. ‘Oh, God,’ she thought, ‘what has she done?’

She had to stop this madness. She needed time to think.

 

“I’m right here Rena.” Justin said coming to her side. Shane started throwing towels over her.

“Make them leave, please. I need time.” She whispered to him.

Justin ran his warm hand up and down her arm reassuringly.

“Relax and breath. I’ll take care of it.” He said as he turned to address Brian and James. Both were looking like two deer caught in headlights.

Rena grabbed his arms with a strength that belied her current condition.

Justin turned his head to look back at her, confusion in his eyes.

“Don’t let them leave the house. I have to talk to them.” She said.

Justin nodded his head and patted her hand that was gripping his arm. She sighed and released him.

Brian and James heard the whole exchange. They looked at Justin with bemused eyes.

 

Justin shrugged his shoulders. He knew they heard her request.

“Wait downstairs. I’ll call you when she’s more alert, and dry.” Justin said as he led both men out the door.

 

James cursed when the door shut in his face. He headed down the stairs. Brian followed him. He wanted some answers.

“What the fuck happened!” He demanded.

James walked over to the bar in the living room and poured himself a tall glass of vodka. He didn’t answer Brian until the glass was empty.

“Chris Hobbs is what happened.” James said accusingly.

Brian’s mouth dropped opened. James smiled, satisfied with Brian’s reaction.

“Now would you kindly tell me who this person is and why Rena wants me to kill him?” James said bluntly.

Brian took a step back and gasped. He couldn’t believe what he just heard.

“Are you fucking serious! She would NEVER!” Brian said.

James huffed. “No she wouldn’t. Not unless she felt she had no other choice. Of course I can’t do it. It would kill her. As you can see just suggesting it has already caused her to have a seizure. I can’t image what would happen to her if I actually did it.” James said derisively.

Brian’s eyes grew dark. “I swear to God I’m going to wring her neck! What the fuck is she thinking!” Brian growled and walked over to the bar and looked through the bottles. His eyes narrowed when he didn’t find what he was looking for.

“Where the fuck is the Beam?” He asked James accusingly.

James put his hands up. “Not my doing. Your sister had the Beam removed from the house.” He said.

“Mother fucker!” Brian gritted out. He settled for the vodka. He took James glass from him, refilled it and drank it down in one swallow. The dry harsh liquid burned down his throat. God he hated vodka. It didn’t have the same smooth feel of bourbon whiskey.

“Hobbs is no threat to Rena.” Brian said quietly.

James considered him for a moment. “But he is a threat to you.” He said.

Brian sighed heavily. He walked over to the kitchen and pulled down a small box from the top cabinet that was hidden behind a box of noodles. He placed it on the table and opened it. Inside were three rolled joints. He pulled one out and lit it.

James watched him inhale the intoxicating smoke several times before approaching him.

“Is he a threat to you?” He asked this time.

“He’s a threat to Justin. He’s the one who bashed Justin at his prom.” Brian said flatly, then shook his head as if to clear his thoughts.

James knew the story about Justin’s bashing. He just never had a name to put to the crime. Now he did.

“This is not your problem James, stay out of it.” Brian said harshly.

“Ah, see that’s where you are wrong.” James said.

“Rena has, in a sense, asked me to get a rid of a problem for her. That problem being one Chris Hobbs. I’m sworn to protect Rena, and I’ve never disobeyed her. However, if I do obey her in this, I will be hurting, and not protecting her. We both know Rena’s strong belief’s. She is not the type of woman to condone murder. If I do this, she will never be able to forgive herself. It will be her ultimate destruction. So you see, the “Hobbs situation” is very much my problem.” James said.

Brian leaned backed against the kitchen counter and studied James. He had a point. Hobbs was now his problem because Rena brought him into it. But he couldn’t let James kill Hobbs. As much as he wanted the bastard dead, he couldn’t let James do it.

“You can’t kill Hobbs James. That’s not an option.” He simply said.

James narrowed his eyes. “You can’t kill him either. That would hurt Rena, and I won’t allow you to do that.” James retorted.

They were at a stand still. James cursed again, which was so out of character for him. He reached over and took the joint from Brian.

Brian’s eyes widened at James’s action. He didn’t think James smoked pot.

James took a drag of the sweet smoke and immediately started choking. Brian laughed. So James didn’t smoke pot.

“Give me that before you hurt yourself.” Brian said grabbing the joint back from him.

James put his hand to his throat and made a face. “God that stuff is awful.” He said.

Brian smirked and finished the joint. He turned around and stubbed it out in the sink.

“Call Em, I’m sure he’s freaking out. You know how over dramatic he can be. He probably thinks we’re all being tortured by a gang of gay terrorists or something.” Brian shook his head.

He turned back to face James. “Ever the fucking drama queen. I just hope he doesn’t show up here in those God-awful pajama’s and bunny slippers. I’ve had enough distress for one day.” Brian huffed a bit dramatically himself.

James grunted. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. He can be a handful at times.” James said ruefully.

Brian snorted. “If I were you, I’d lock him up and only take him out when you want a good fuck.” He said half jokingly.

James’s eyes lit up. “That’s it!” He said as if Brian just gave him the solution he’d been looking for.

“Hey, I was only kidding!” Brian said emphatically and pushed himself away from the counter.

“No, no, not Emmett! Hobbs!” James said.

Brian stared at him confused. “What does Hobb have to do with Emmett?” Brian said confused.

James went over to Brian, smiling an evil genius smile, and put his arm around his shoulders.

Brian leaned away from him, not liking James’s sudden change of mood.

“You’re scaring me James. What the fuck are you up to?” He said warily.

“What if I told you we can fix it so Hobbs is no longer a threat to Justin without killing him, plus have the added bonus of knowing he’s spending the rest of his days living his worse nightmare?” James asked with a self-satisfied smile.

Brian narrowed his eyes.

“And how do you propose we do that?” Brian said.

James leaned over and whispered into Brian’s ear.

Brian’s eyes widened. Then a smile spread across his face.

“That’s pure genius James. But is that possible?” Brian asked.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, is that anything is possible.” James said.


	51. Things to Consider

“Every cause produces more than one effect”

 

~ Hebert Spencer

 

“Not interested.” Brian drawled in a bored voice for the third time this evening.

Woody’s was unusually crowed for a Monday night. They hadn’t even ordered their drinks yet and the vultures were already circling, cocks twitching for an opportunity to be fucked by the stud of Liberty Avenue.

On any other night Justin wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Men and women propositioned Brian all the time. He was after all the most beautiful man Justin had ever seen. It was natural for him to be sought after by so many, and Justin always accepted that fact. But tonight, he was irritated, and intolerant.

“Fuck off.” Justin added when the tall blonde Adonis didn’t take Brian’s refusal quick enough.

Brian raised his eyebrow at Justin.

Justin glared at him.

Brian ordered their drinks then turned to him.

“Mind telling me why the fuck you’re pissed at me?” He said.

“Mind telling me what the fuck you and James are up to?” Justin answered tersely.

Brian and James had been acting strange all night.

Both were uncharacteristically quiet when they returned to Rena’s room. Justin was prepared for hysterics from Brian. It didn’t happen too often, but when Brian got really angry, or worried, he could queen out with the best of them. And though James was more reserved in nature, when it came to Rena’s safety, that calm façade would fade quickly and be replaced with tense anxiety.

But instead of the frantic questions, and worried expressions he expected, he was greeted with two men who looked like cats who swallowed the canaries.

Each took great pains in assuring Rena that neither were going to kill Hobbs, or have him killed. Brian promised, and James swore on her life. There was no doubt they were being sincere. But Justin knew Brian too well. He and James were planning something.

They stayed awhile with Rena until she was herself again, which only took about a half hour. Rena usually bounced back quickly from these attacks. It was the same with Justin’s panic attacks. Once they were over, it was like it never happened. And just like Justin’s panic attacks, Rena’s attacks were a result of a past trauma.

Justin hoped his attacks would lessen in frequency now that he had his memory back. It was a big step towards healing. Rena however, still had to deal with the root of her attacks. Justin hoped she was making progress in therapy. She had yet to tell Brian about the rape. It was a bridge they would all have to cross when the time came. But for tonight, the crisis was over. Brian had made her promise to make an appointment with her psychiatrist in the morning. She agreed, and Brian was appeased.

They were all going to come out tonight but then John showed up. Of course he was pissed because no one notified him that Rena had an attack. He had just gotten off of work and dropped by unexpectedly. When he heard what had happened he threw a fit. Rena took exception to his attitude and they got into an argument, which was everyone’s cue to leave.

Shane took off, presumably to see Adam, while Brian and he decided to go to Woody’s. James tagged along, and rode with Brian while Justin took his own car. Justin fumed as he imaged Brian and James scheming what ever it was they had cooked up on the way over.

Brian made a face. “Stop being such a twat. James had a suggestion on how to deal with Hobbs that I think might work. It’s just an idea at this point. The details need to be worked out.” He said and turned back to pay the bartender for their drinks.

Justin frowned. “Why do we have to “deal” with Hobbs at all?” He asked crossly.

Brian handed him his drink. He looked down at Justin and pulled his bottom lip in and contemplated his next words.

As an Ad man, no one pitched an idea better then Brian. Words were the tools of his craft. Like the sculptor who molded clay to create his art, Brian molded words to design ideas to sell to his clients. And he was the best in the field.

However when it came to personal, emotional talks, Brian was at a loss for words. He needed to somehow incorporate his word skills as an Ad man into the conversation he was about to have with Justin so that he could obtain his goal; which was to get Justin to open up about Hobbs, and accept that they had to deal with it, together. It wouldn’t be easy, and it meant leaving himself open and vulnerable to Justin on this subject. A position Brian NEVER wanted to be in. But, he reminded himself, certain things needed to change. And this was one of them.

“I’m NOT interested.” Brian snapped his head around to yell at the man who came up behind him unexpectedly. The man scurried away in a huff. Brian grinned.

And then there were things that would never change. Thank God.

He turned back to Justin.

“Come.” He said and motioned Justin to their table where James was waiting.

“James, watch our drinks.” Brian said as he took Justin’s drink from him and placed it on the table along with his own.

“We’ll be back in a few.” He grabbed Justin’s hand and headed for door.

Once outside, Brian led him down the street to a quiet spot around the corner. He pulled Justin down a side alley.

“You want to fuck now?” Justin asked looking around the deserted alley.

Brian propped his back against the building and pulled Justin into his arms.

“I always want to fuck.” He said with a sexy smirk as he tilted his head forward to capture Justin’s mouth in a hot searing kiss.

The kiss took Justin by surprise. It was forceful, possessive, and over too quick. Brian often, if not always, used his kisses to communicate. This particular kiss communicated to Justin, “You are mine.”

Justin’s eyes glazed over and he reached up to recapture Brian’s mouth. He had a message of his own to give to him. But Brian gently held him back.

“But that’s not why I brought you out here.” He said a bit breathlessly and leaned his head back against the stone cold wall of the building.

Justin raised his brow.

Brian took a deep calming breath. “Justin, how do YOU want to deal with Hobbs?” He finally asked.

Justin turned his face away. His ardor now doused by Brian’s question.

“I told you. I don’t want to deal with him at all. I just want us to move on and forget about him.” Justin’s words echoed in the empty alley.

“Bullshit.” Brian said.

Justin’s head swung back around. His eyes met Brian’s. Brian could see the confusion and hurt in them, and he regretted having this conversation, but it needed to be had.

“What does it matter?!” Justin sniped and tried to pull away from Brian.

Brian held him tight. “Oh no you don’t. You’re not getting away from this one.” He said.

“Now tell me. I want the truth. Forget what we will or won’t do to Hobbs, what do you “want” to do to him? He took a fucking bat to your head Justin. You almost died. He stole your memory, the full use of your hand, your self esteem…”

Justin’s eyes grew angry at that last line.

“My self esteem is just fine thank you.” He said in his very polite WASP voice.

Brian knew he was treading on dangerous ground when Justin used that tone, but he was not going to be deterred by it.

“The Justin I know would never let a punk like that get away with hurting him. The Justin I know tells his father to go to Hell and walks out at 17 years old because his father won’t accept him for who he is. The Justin I know faces bullies in schoolyards and stands and fights. The Justin I know fights for other people when he feels they’re being treated unfairly. So why is it when it’s YOU who have been treated badly, you don’t fight back? The courts failed us, and you quietly accepted it. You didn’t go to the DA demanding new charges be brought. You didn’t march on city hall with Deb and Mikey. You simply let him get away with it. Why?” Brian asked bluntly. So much for word finesse.

Justin didn’t know whether to scream or cry. Brian was going to a place he had avoided for so long. Truth was, he was afraid. Not so much of Hobbs, but of his own rage. First, it was his rage over what Hobbs took from him. Like Brian said, his memory, the use of his hand. But now, after getting his memory back and knowing Hobbs intended the attack all along, Justin felt a whole new level of rage.

He hated Hobbs with his whole being, but he couldn’t allow that hate to come out. If he did, he truly feared he would do to Hobbs, what Hobbs had done to him. God knows he thought about it. Many times. But to what good? It was best, as Brian had taught him, to forget about it.

“This is rich coming from you.” Justin said derisively.

“Aren’t you always telling me to forget about it?” He asked.

“Yeah. That’s me. That’s how I deal with things. Booze, sex, drugs.. Whatever it takes to drown out the pain. To forget. But that’s NOT YOU Justin.” Brian stated the obvious.

“What the fuck do you want me to say? That I hate Hobbs? That I have dreams of taking a fucking bat to his head? That sometimes, my hate is so intense it actually chokes me and that’s usually when I have a panic attack? What do you want to hear Bri? That I STILL have fucking panic attacks?” Justin stopped seeing the look of shock on Brian’s face.

He had hid his attacks from Brian for sometime now. He just couldn’t bear the look of pain and fear in Brian’s eyes when he was having one. He let Brian believe they had stopped. But they didn’t.

When he had moved out of the loft, it was easy to hide them from him. But since he moved back in, he was afraid that sooner or later he’d have another one and Brian would witness it.

It was one of the reasons why he wanted Rena to hypnotize him in hopes of getting his memory back. He felt if he had at least that, he’d have some control over them. It was too soon to tell if it actually made a difference, though he had seen an immediate improvement in his hand motor skill.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you were still having them?” Brian said angrily.

Justin pushed away from him. Brian released him.

“Because I’m tired of hurting you!” Justin screeched a bit hysterically. It took Brian by surprised.

Justin stood back and looked at Brian. “Jesus Bri, I know how my panic attacks affected you. When are you going to realize you can’t hide from me?”

Brian’s eyes grew intense. “That’s no excuse for not telling me you were still having them.” He said

Justin threw his hands up. “All right, fine I should have told you. Now can we end this conversation?” Justin said and turned his back on Brian.

Brian reached out and grabbed his arm. He swung him around to face him.

“NO, we cannot end this conversation. Stop avoiding. I want to know how you feel about Hobbs, especially now having your memory back.” Brian insisted.

Justin glared at Brian, his eyes glaze with unshed tears from his frustration and anger. They stood like that for what seemed like forever before Justin spoke.

“I hate him with every part of my being. I hate him so much I want to go to his house right now and take a bat to his head. I want to hear him cry out in pain and beg for forgiveness. And I hate myself for feeling that way.” Justin paused.

Brian brought his hand up and cupped Justin’s cheek. Justin nestled his face into the warmth of Brian’s palm.

“Go on.” Brian encouraged gently as his thumb caressed the soft skin of his cheek.

“I want justice. But I won’t get it, and I know that. If he had gone to jail, or at the very least found guilty of committing a hate crime, because that is exactly what it was, then maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. But it didn’t happen like that, so I live with this hate, and pray that one day it won’t consume me. “ Justin’s voice was sad.

“Justin, look at me.” He said and urged Justin’s face up to meet his eyes.

“When I sat in that courtroom and heard the judge hand down that ridiculous sentence I wanted to kill Hobbs, and that fucking judge. I knew the courts would fail us. The world is not ready to accept us yet. Mikey and Deb organized a march. But I was so bitter and cynical I refused to join them. I ridiculed their efforts. Instead, I chose to focus on getting you well again, and of course, using my famous pain management techniques to drown out any feelings of revenge I had. I knew if I let myself, I would finish the job I started that night. God help me, I would have killed him that night if you weren’t lying in a pool of blood. As it was, I only managed to dislocate his knee. ” Brian paused recalling attacking Hobbs that night.

His mind snapped when he saw Hobbs strike Justin. He ran and picked up the bat Hobbs had dropped and struck him behind the knees. He would have continued to beat him if Justin weren’t lying in a pool of blood.

Initially charges were brought against him for assault but Carl had them dropped. His report exonerated him of the charges due to extenuating circumstances. He was lucky the DA accepted it. The fucking judge however was not happy and figured it was a wash. One dislocated knee made up for one cracked skull, 2 weeks in a coma and brain damage. Yeah, that seemed fair, Brian scoffed. Of course a straight judge would consider that justice. Brian seethed with rage for months over that one.

“You attacked Hobbs?” Justin asked eyes wide with shock.

Brian sighed. He never told Justin. He figured the kid had enough to deal with. Only Mikey and Deb, and of course Carl knew. But he swore them all to secrecy.

“Justin, you have to understand, I saw him strike you. I tried to stop him, I couldn’t….I was so angry, so frighten….I wasn’t thinking straight…….” Brian was trying to explain himself.

“Shhhh…”Justin said and put his fingers up to Brian’s lips. “I would have done the same. You don’t have to explain. I just wish you would have told me.” He said.

“You had enough to deal with. It took us weeks just to get you out of the loft on your own, remember? I didn’t want anything upsetting your progress.” Brian said.

“Well I’m better now. And I know this is going to sound bad, but I’m glad you hit him.” Justin said, his voice cracked a bit. “But I’m also glad you didn’t do to him what his did to me.”

Brian gave him a crooked smile. “I’m just sorry I didn’t stop the bastard to begin with. You know, I thought I’d feel more satisfaction then I did when I hit him. But I didn’t. All I could feel was panic over how bad you were hurt. I could have beaten him unconscious, and it still wouldn’t have changed the fact that he almost killed you.” Brian said solemnly.

Justin rested his face against Brian’s chest and hugged him tight.

“Well nothing can be done about it now. It’s over, and I’m better. Please, let’s just let it go. Knowing that he planned the attack changes nothing. The courts failed us. Life is not fair sometimes, I understand that. But I won’t allow us to become something we’re not in the name of justice.” He said.

Brian rested his chin on top of Justin’s head. “Ah, now that brings us back to James’s suggestion.” He said.

Justin could hear the smile in his voice.

He peeked up at Brian. “What exactly “IS” James’s plan? I can’t image it not involving violence, knowing James.” Justin commented.

“Actually, it doesn’t. It does however, involve some tactic’s that might be a bit outside the law, but I think we can live with that.” Brian put his tongue in his cheek.

Justin frowned. “I don’t think I like the sound of this.” Justin said.

“Just hear him out, ok? If you don’t like what he has to say, I promise I’ll drop it.” Brian said.

Justin pulled his bottom lip in and tilted his head. “You promise?’ He asked.

Brian leaned down and kissed the side of his mouth. “I promise.” He whispered.

“Ok then. Let’s go talk to James.” Justin pushed away from Brian and turned to leave the alley.

“Oh no you don’t!” Brian said and pulled him back.

Justin looked at him with puzzled eyes.

Brian pulled him up against his body and pressed his hardness into him. Justin smiled his mega watt smile when understanding dawned on him.

This only made Brian stiffer.

“So you did have ulterior motives in bringing me down this alley.” He said laughing.

“Always.” Brian said and took Justin’s hands and placed them inside the front of his jeans.

Justin started unzipping his pants as he leaned forward to press his lips against Brian’s.

Brian groaned into Justin’s mouth and deepened the kiss. He reached between them and stroked Justin’s cock.

Justin made haste in pulling Brian’s pants down. He broke the kiss and trailed kisses along Brian’s neck.

Brian, eager in his need, urged Justin down on his knees.

Justin smiled as he took Brian’s cock in his mouth.

Brian hissed loudly and thrust his hips forward, giving Justin better access.

He steadied himself with one hand against the building while his other hand dug into the silky softness of Justin’s hair. God he loved touching Justin’s hair. Sometimes he thought he could cum just from the feel of it gliding between his fingers.

Justin was working his magic on Brian. Slowly stroking and massaging his cock with his teeth, lips and tongue. Justin knew every inch of Brian’s cock. He knew all his sensitive spots, like the soft skin at the base right where it met his balls. Justin would deep throat him then let his tongue flick on that spot. It always elicited a tortured sexy moan from Brian, like the one Brian was making now.

“Fuck Justin, I’m gonna cum……” Brian hissed between clenched teeth.

‘You always do’ Justin thought to himself smugly. He loved knowing that no one but him could make Brian cum so hard, and so quick.

Justin felt the muscles in Brian’s thighs contract, and his balls tighten. He could feel Brian’s orgasm upon him. He doubled his efforts and greedily sucked him in deeper and harder, needy to taste the sweet salty taste of him slide down his throat.

“Arrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh…………” Brian’s voice rang out in the deserted alley. Justin was sure it would attract attention, but he didn’t care. He was doing what he did best, pleasing his love.

Brian’s body convulsed as waves of pleasure overtook him. The force of his release was so strong he had to use the wall of the building for support because his knees had buckled. Fuck! He thought as his body spilled his seed into Justin’s mouth. The kid had way too much fucking power over him.

Justin swallowed all of Brian’s nectar, and licked the tip before pulling Brian’s pants up. He raised himself up and kissed Brian deep, thrusting his tongue into his mouth.

Brian could taste his seed on Justin’s tongue and moaned deeply. He licked and nipped at Justin’s tongue and lips, hungrily devouring his essence mingled with his blonde’s.

“Hey, who’s down there?” Someone called from the street.

“Fuck!” Brian cursed into Justin’s mouth. He pulled back and gave Justin an apologetic smile. “Looks like we have an audience. Now you know I don’t mind….” He started to say.

Justin laughed and pulled away. “Forget about it. You can fuck me when we get home.” He said seeing that look in Brian’s eyes. He knew he only had to give the word and Brian would fuck him right there, with or without an audience.

Brian pouted in protest. “Fine.” He said peevishly and made a face. Justin laughed. God he could be such a child sometimes he thought. And he loved him for it.

“Let’s get back inside. I’m sure James is wondering what happened to us by now.” Justin said.

Brian reluctantly followed Justin back into Woody’s. James was still sitting at the table they left him at. He looked up from his drink and gave them a knowing smile.

Justin blushed.

Brian smirked.

They joined him and picked up their drinks.

“So James..” Justin said after he took a long swallow of his now, watered down drink from the melted ice.

“Brian tells me you have a plan?”

*********************************************************************************

 

“Hey kid, want to make ten bucks?”

The “kid” in question sneered at the offer. “Hey, I don’t fucking get out of bed for ten bucks.” He said arrogantly.

“What bed is that? The cardboard box you live in? Ten bucks buys you dinner for the night, and a pack of cigs. I know, I’ve been there. The streets look pretty deserted tonight. I don’t think you’ll be getting too many offers. All I’m asking is that you run up to the doorman over there and tell him there’s a stray dog ripping up the lawn around back. Then take off.”

The kid looked over at the doorman who stood in front of the expensive high-rise apartment complex. Ten bucks was ten bucks, and besides, maybe he could get a John or two out of it. Those ritzy types liked little boys, and they paid big money. Not so much for the sex, but for the silence. He smiled.

“Ok, cash up front.” He said.

Shane handed him the money and waited for her chance.

She was in a playful, mischievous mood tonight. Probably the result of all that adrenaline pumping through her veins from worrying about Rena. Now that she knew Rena was going to be fine, Shane needed to release some of that pent up anxiety. And she knew exactly how she was going to do that.

Adam was in for a surprise.

She knew he was home tonight working because he had called earlier. She told him she’d call him when she got off work, they were going to try and make a late dinner. But Shane had other plans. She’d never been to Adam’s apartment. She wanted her first time to be very special. A devious smile spread across her face. She wondered, not for the first time since she left the house this evening, what Adam’s reaction would be when she showed up at his door, wearing nothing but black thigh high Edoche boots and a Sonia Rykiel patent leather rain coat.

 

The kid Shane bribed did his job and the doorman acted on cue, just as Shane suspected he would. He ran around the back to catch that dog. God forbid the lawn should be ruined on his watch. Shane shook her head. It never ceased to amaze her what the rich deemed important.

Once he rounded the building, Shane crossed the street and entered the building with no problem. It was worth the ten bucks. If she had to go through the doorman, he would have had to call Adam to get approval for her to enter. And that would ruin the surprise.

 

Shane entered the inside of the gilded lobby. She looked around disapprovingly. It was much like Margo’s apartment building in L.A. Cold and garishly decorated.

She walked over to the first of many mirrored elevator doors and pressed the up button.

The elevator doors opened and she stepped aside, head lowered to hide her face, and let the handsomely dressed couple exit. She then got in and pressed the button for the penthouse.

Her heart was pounding in her chest from anticipation. Twenty-two stories. Fuck, it seemed like eternity getting to the top. The elevator music was horrid, as expected. She looked up and saw the security camera strategically placed in the corner. She contemplated briefly flashing who ever was watching, and then decided against it. It might earn Adam a visit from security tonight and she didn’t want any interruptions.

Finally, the bell rang and the elevator doors opened. Shane stepped into the hallway and walked down to the apartment door at the end. The clicking sound of her heels against the marble floor echoed obscenely in her ears.

Apartment 2205. Shane lifted her hand and pressed the doors’ buzzer. Mozart played on the other side. She held her breath as she heard the door being unlocked.

Before she lost her nerve, she placed her hands on the belt of her coat and untied it. She held the garment open an adopted what she hoped was a sexy pose.

The door opened, and Shane froze.

 

“I believe you are looking for Hal. He resides in apartment 2250.” The woman addressed Shane as she stood there naked.

“And please tell him that this is a respectable complex, if he wished to indulge in illicit acts, please do so off premises. Next time I will call security.” The blonde informed her in a reproachful voice.

Shane finally came to her sense and covered herself up.

“I’m sorry, my mistake. I thought this was someone else’s apartment.” She said, her face red with embarrassment.

“I have no idea who Hal is.” She added. She didn’t want this woman thinking her neighbor had hired a prostitute.

“Oh?” The woman said haughtily. “And may I ask who it is you are looking for?” She asked.

Shane was not about to give this woman Adam’s name.

“No one you know, I’m sure. Sorry for the interruption.” She said then turned to leave.

“Cathy what did you do with my English leather belt.” A man’s voice came from behind the woman.

Not any man’s voice. Adam’s voice. Shane swung back around in time to see Adam come up behind the woman.

Their eyes clashed and Shane curse. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Though only one “fuck” escaped her lips, several of them, including some other very colorful expletives ran through her brain though.

Stupid, stupid girl! She berated herself. This must be his girlfriend, Cathy. He spoke of her before, “the woman who like the size of his portfolio more then the size of his penis.”

Shane had foolishly assumed he had ended it with her. God she must look like an idiot right now! He never said he had ended it, she just assumed it. And why should he end it? Now that she saw Cathy, she could understand the appeal. It wasn’t that she was beautiful, though she was pleasantly attractive; it was that she “looked” the part. Something Shane could never do.

Cathy was all WASP. She had the look of a woman of breeding and class. Shane had the look of a girl from the streets. It was all in the eyes, and the way she held herself.

Reality hit her like a cruel hammer. Adam had told her about his arrangement with Cathy. He provided her with money, and social connections and she looked good on his arm at important functions, plus she had the blue blood one needed to be invited into certain circles.

Adam was a high-powered lawyer. He traveled in those circles; they were the meat and bones of his profession. Impressions were very important to those people. Having the right tie, the right office, the right connections, and of course, the right spouse or partner on your arm. Shane could never fill that position. She would only always be the “trick” Adam kept on the side.

She should be angry, or sad, or hysterical. Something. But she wasn’t. She accepted it like she accepted most things in her life. This was her lot. There was no prince waiting for her. She was damaged goods and as such, no respectable man would want her.

Shane smiled sadly at Adam. “I was just telling your lady here, that I made a mistake. I’m sorry for disturbing you. I’ll be leaving now.” She said and turned to leave.

“The fuck you will!” Adam pushed Cathy aside and ran down the hall after Shane.

He grabbed her arm and twisted her around. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” He said heatedly.

Shane looked over his shoulder to where Cathy stood watching. She had a bored, exasperated look on her face.

She turned her eyes back to Adam. “Ummm, you could show a little respect to your girlfriend. I’m sure she knows about your extra curricula affairs, but it’s rude to shove it in face.” Shane said.

Adam looked at her puzzled. “Extra curricula affairs? Where is this coming from?” Adam asked.

Shane’s eyes grew dark. She could accept the situation for what it was, what she couldn’t accept is Adam’s attempt to make this something other than what it really was. She was no simpering girl on the verge of tears at finding out her lover had a girlfriend. He didn’t need this ruse, and quite frankly, she resented it.

“If you won’t show her any respect, then show me some and stop acting stupid. I made a mistake. Hey, it happens. Just don’t insult me by denying our relationship for what it is.” She spat at him.

Adam made a face. “I think you’ve been hanging around that fucking drama queen too long. I’m not denying anything. YOU are jumping to conclusions.” He shouted back at her.

“Am I? Are you NOT still living with your girlfriend?” Shane asked the obvious angrily.

“And are you talking about Brian?!” She asked, in an angrier voice.

“Yes I AM talking about Brian and NO I am not living with my girlfriend. I am letting my EX girlfriend stay here until her Condo, the Condo I BOUGHT for her…” Adam added and looked back at Cathy with accusing eyes. She shrugged.

“….is ready. She didn’t like the fucking colors of the walls and had the whole place repainted. It’s the price I pay for finally throwing her ass out.” He finished.

Cathy bristled at his words.

“Fuck you Adam. I wouldn’t be so smug if I were you. At least you got your money’s worth from me. What can “THAT” thing give you? From the looks of her she’s barely legal and over used. What ever you are paying, it’s too much.” Cathy said cuttingly.

Shane laughed. “Not bad Adam. I can see the appeal.” Shane said earnestly.

“At least she knows she’s a whore too. High priced, yes, but still a whore.” Shane said scathingly.

Cathy huffed. “Fuck you both.” She said and slammed the door shut.

“Great, now it will be an hour before she lets me in my own fucking apartment to get my wallet and cell.” Adam complained.

Shane sighed. “Come on.” She said and grabbed Adams hand.

“I can’t go anywhere! I don’t have my wallet, or my cell! MY CELL SHANE!” Adam whined childishly.

Shane laughed as she led him to the elevator. “Fuck your wallet and your phone. You can live with out it for a few hours.” She said then burst into a new round of laughter as she saw the horrified look on Adam’s face at her suggestion.

“Are you insane! MY LIFE is in that phone!” Adam protested.

“Yeah, yeah… I know. Jesus Slatter, you wouldn’t last two minutes on the streets. You’re such a pussy.” Shane said knowing how to push his buttons.

Adam stopped short making her jerk to a halt.

“Oh? Is that so?” He said dangerously.

Shane looked contrite. “Ok, so you’re not a pussy. But you complain like a bitch.” She said as if that were better than calling him a pussy.

Adam yanked her up against him abruptly. He lowered his head and kissed her hard. When he released her mouth, her lips were bruised.

“This “bitch” is going to fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk for a fucking week.” He threatened.

Shane’s knees went weak at his words. “I’m counting on it.” She said in a lust-laden voice.

Adam turned her around and slammed her up against the wall. He kissed her again and grinded his hard cock against her. Shane moaned and lifted her legs to wrap them around his waist.

They were heedless of their surroundings as Adam opened Shane’s’ coat and ran his hands over her naked body. Shane reached down and unzipped his pants.

Adam was going to fuck her right there in the hallway of his apartment complex.

The door to his apartment opened again. Cathy let out a shocked screech as she saw a half naked Adam pushing himself into a very naked Shane.

“Animal!” She screamed and threw his cell and wallet out the door before slamming it shut again.

Adam could care less. He pushed up into Shane, eliciting a shocked guttural moan of pleasure from her.

The loud sounds of their coupling caused more than one door on his floor to open. Shocked voices saying “Oh, my God,” or “The nerve!” echoed through the hall but neither noticed.

They didn’t care where they were, or who was watching. They didn’t care about anything but the passion that burned so hotly between them. Everything else was beyond their notice.

Even the fact that neither bothered to think to use a condom……….


	52. Thanks be Given

”No longer forward nor behind I look in hope or fear; But, grateful, take the good I find,The best of now and here.”

~ John Greenleaf Whittier

 

 

“Aunty Vivvvvvvvvv!!!!” Rena screeched loudly and threw the dishcloth she had in her hand towards John.

John grunted as the wet cloth smacked him in the face. He peeled it off just in time to see Rena rush across the room and into her Aunt’s arms. He smiled. So this was the famous ‘Aunt Viv.’

The woman had presence, he thought. She was tall, statuesque and had a posture that could rival the guards at Buckingham palace. He wondered if there was any warmth behind that icy veneer.

 

John watched as the two women nearly toppled to the ground as Rena threw herself into Viv’s open arms. Viv buried her face in Rena’s neck and hugged her tight. Her body was shaking slightly from her emotions.

 

It was obvious there was great affection between the two women. It appeared Viv had a heart after all. At least when it came to Rena, and that’s all that mattered to John.

Brian however was unaffected by the touching scene between his sister and her aunt. By the look on his face, John guessed he was not happy with Viv. He shuddered to think of those two going head to head.

 

Brian sidestepped the two embracing women and walked towards the living room carrying Viv’s bags.

He threw them unceremoniously onto the leather recliner then headed for the bar.

He was furious with Viv and although he acknowledged her loyalty and affection for his sister, he was hard pressed at the moment to appreciate her sentiments. She did the unthinkable.

She had brought that cunt Margot with her to Thanksgiving dinner.

 

Brian had invited Viv to spend Thanksgiving dinner with them weeks ago. He thought it would be a nice surprise for his sister. Though she’d never admit it, Brian knew Rena was having a hard time adjusting to her new life. She was, for the first time, dealing with her past.

Her therapy sessions were taking a toll on her; Brian could sense it. Yet when he tried to talk to her about it, she would tactfully change the subject. He didn’t push her; he knew when she was ready, she would talk to him.

Her relationship with John just added to the stress. It really wasn’t a good time for her to fall in love; as if anytime was a good time he thought. It was just another new emotion she had to deal with. She had a lot on her plate these days and she needed ALL of her family around her. With the holidays coming up, he thought it a good idea to invite Viv to come visit. He knew Rena missed her.

Viv readily and eagerly accepted the invitation. Apparently Viv was unsure of her place in Rena’s life now that she made her home with Brian. Brian told Viv that her place was set 17 years ago. She was family.

Viv had opened doors for Rena that Brian would never had be able to. Not that he wasn’t perfectly capable of taking care of himself and his sister, he was, even at the age of 14, but he wouldn’t have been able to provide the opportunities Viv provided for her. For that, he was very grateful.

That gratitude though was pushed to the back burner when he walked into the airport earlier that day and saw Margot get off the plane with Viv.

Brian did not like the woman with her over inflated tits and ego. She was a hack as an actress as far as he was concerned who found her fame and fortune between the sheets of every producer and director in Hollywood. He could respect that if the woman didn’t act like she actually had talent, and Carte blanch’ to rip anyone around her a new asshole if they weren’t in a position to advance her career.

She was mean, vicious and she did the unthinkable. She insulted Justin.

He would have turned her pitiful, has-been, sagging ass around and put her on the very next plane out of there if it weren’t for Justin.

 

 

Justin immediately saw the look on Brian’s face when Margot got off the plane and knew he had to intervene before Brian caused a scene. He refused to let Brian ruin their Thanksgiving. Brian was already in a bad mood, not being able to spend the day with his son, and he didn’t’ want him taking it out on Margot.

Brian had a memory like an elephant. He never forgave Margot for insulting Justin in New York.

Justin on the other hand had no trouble forgiving Margot. Her words, though aimed to hurt him, came from her own pain. She accused Justin of using Brian as a ‘sugar daddy.’ That accusation, Justin was sure, came from her own personal experiences of young men using her for her power, money and influence. He saw right through it. And now, that her fame and fans were both fading; she was dying a slow painful death. The only death that matter to someone like her. Her stardom was dying.

Emmett, God love him, fawned all over Margot the moment he saw her. His hangover suddenly disappeared at the sight of his “goddess”. He was in serious drag queen mode. His stalking fan like adoration for the aging star put a light in Margot’s eyes. Justin was glad Emmett was showing the woman so much attention. If ever there was a person in need of it, it was Margot.

Brian on the other hand snarled at Em. He mumbled under his breath something about losing his breakfast over the sickeningly disgusting display Em was creating salivating over that dried up old slut.

Justin didn’t ask, he TOLD Brian to let it go. This wasn’t about him, or Margot. This was about Rena and Viv. Brian reluctantly agreed not to make a scene.

He actually was very good in the limo on way to the house. Tom also got off the plane with Viv, which made Brian very happy.

Tom and Brian had an odd, yet close relationship. It was Tom who hand delivered the letters between Brian and Rena all those years. Tom was Brian’s lifeline to his sister, and that made him very important to Brian. Brian had grown to like Viv’s ‘man’, or whatever she called him, very much.

Tom had been in Viv’s employment for over twenty years now. He was her chauffer, bodyguard, financial advisor, personal assistant, and house manager. Much like James was to Rena.

Justin was happy to finally meet the man. He was family. It saddened him that James couldn’t be with them today. He shook his head. He couldn’t think about James’s mission today. Today was for family, and he had to make sure Brian got through it with as little pain as possible. Though he hid it well, Justin knew Brian was missing Gus terribly. He hoped, having a house full of friends and family would ease that pain just a bit…

 

Justin breathed a sigh of relief when the limo finally pulled up to Rena’s house. Being in such close proximity with Margot for the 40-minute ride it took to get from the airport to Rena’s house was taking its toll on Brian.

It was all worth it though just to see Rena’s reaction to seeing Viv again. There was much love between Viv and Rena and he knew Brian would have been moved by their reunion, if his anger at Viv weren’t still very much intact. He could tell by the way he threw Viv’s bags on the chair that he was fuming. Unfortunately, his anger was misdirected. The ‘true’ source of his anger wasn’t even there. Mel and Lindsey.

Justin walked up to the bar and stood behind Brian. “Stop. You’re being ridiculous.” He whispered in his ear.

Brian huffed and pulled a bottle of New Castle out of the bar fridge before turning around to face Justin.

“You know I’m surprised at you Sunshine. That cunt insulted you and now you’re defending her?” He said, his face twisted in disbelief.

The ‘cunt’ in question heard part of their conversation as she walked up to the bar next to them.

“To which this ‘cunt’ has apologized asshole.” She threw back at Brian.

Justin groaned.

“Miss Hathaway, it would be MY honor to get you a drink. Gin Buck, right?” Emmett offered enthusiastically, following Margot over to bar like a loyal little puppy.

A puppy Brian wanted to kick at the moment.

 

Margot didn’t bother to stop and say hello to Rena, or get introduced to any of the odd people standing in the entryway. She had her priorities and this boy Emmett seemed to understand that. Right now the only introduction she needed was one with a bottle of her favorite Gin.

“Yes, with lots of ice.” She ordered then turned to Brian.

“It’s good to see not all fags are useless dicks.” She jabbed with a cruel twist to her lip.

Brian raised his eyebrow at Margot’s retort before turning his glare on Justin.

“You expect me to ignore that? You KNOW that deserves a response!” He said, his mind screaming to tell the bitch off.

Justin rolled his eyes. “Please, the fucking cleaning lady throws worse insults at you on a regular basis, and in two languages. Yet you never say a fucking word to her.” Justin pointed out.

“Don’t EVEN go there! Conchetta is a fucking God sent. She’s the only woman who understands my relationship with my clothes, and respects it. That’s one, dare I say, ‘relationship’, that I’m not giving up so easily. I’m telling you Sunshine, if she had a dick, you’d be in trouble.” Brian teased, tongue in cheek.

Justin laughed. “Yeah well she may respect your clothes, but can she give a decent blow job?” Justin tilted his head to the side, and put his tongue in his cheek, imitating Brian.

“She has her talents, and you have yours Sunshine.” Brian responded with a gleam in his eyes, and leaned in to give him a quick kiss.

“Besides, you know Margot loves sparring insults with you. You’d just be making her happy.” Justin rationalized as he pulled away from Brian.

Brian pulled his bottom lip in. He knew Justin was right. Best to ignore the bitch for now.

 

“Ok, boys out of my way. More bags coming through.” Tom said from the doorway.

 

Brian turned to see Tom entering the house carrying two heavy bags. Margot’s of course. Bitch brought enough luggage to last a year.

He ran to Tom’s side and took them from him.

“I told you I’d bring these bags in, you shouldn’t have carried them in by yourself.” He admonished.

Tom straightened up and gave Brian a deathly look. “The day I can’t carry a lady’s bag in is day you’ll find me six feet under! Now step aside and let this ‘old’ man see his niece.” Tom looked over to where Rena and Viv were now talking. He always referred to Rena as his niece. He was after all, partly responsible for raising her.

Rena saw Tom and squealed. Brian thought for sure he would go deaf today with all her screeching. He had to smile though, she looked really happy.

 

“Ah Rena my girl, you’re looking fine!” Tom said cheerfully as he pulled her in for an embrace.

“I’m so glad you came Tom! Come over and meet the gang.” Rena said excitedly.

Rena led Tom and Viv over to the kitchen. Everyone was standing around eating hor dourves and chatting.

“Everyone, this is my Aunt Viv, and Uncle Tom.” Rena made the introductions, which took some time.

Just about everyone was there. Including Jennifer and Molly. Everyone except Mel, Lindsey and Gus that is, whose absence was painfully felt by all, though no one dared mention it in front of Brian.

Deb was the first to step forward and break the ice.

“Rena has told us all so much about you! I’m so glad you could come!’ She said then pulled Viv in for a hug.

Viv let out a small gasp at the embrace, and stiffly tried to return the hug but only managed to pat Deb lightly on the back. Rena laughed.

Rena looked over at John who was standing at the far end of the kitchen. She held her hand out to him. He smiled and walked towards her.

“Aunt Viv, I want you to meet someone very special to me.” Rena said as she took John’s hand.

“John, this is my Aunt Viv.” Rena said.

Viv could hear the slight nervous timber in her voice. Her brows furrowed in concern. Rena never had that tone when speaking about a new lover. Not even Sean whom Viv was sure was the closest Rena ever got to actually loving someone. This man was obviously more then just the man she was currently sleeping with.

John smiled at Viv then leaned forward as if he was going to kiss her. Instead, he turned his head and whispered in her ear.

“I would hug you, but I wouldn’t want to put you in that awkward position twice in one day.” He said then stood up again and winked at her.

Viv smiled. “He’s smart, I’ll give you that Re. But tell me. Do you love him?”

Several heads turned at Viv’s words, anxious to hear Rena’s response.

Rena looked up at John and smiled softly. “Something awful.” She said, more to him, then to Viv.

“Pity.” Viv responded.

“It’s so much easier when you don’t love them.” She said and turned around to look at Tom. He shot her a warning look back.

Rena caught the silent exchange. “Viv, where is your new husband?” She asked, suddenly realizing Viv came alone. She knew Viv had just recently remarried, again.

“Leopold and I are getting divorced.” She answered coolly.

“Divorced! The fucking ink on your marriage license isn’t dry yet! How can you be getting divorced already?” Rena asked stunned. She knew Viv collected husbands like some people collect stamps, but even this was too much for Viv. She always held on to them for at least a year.

“Fuck that, how the hell could you have married someone named Leopold?” Brian asked joining the group.

“Maybe he was gay.” Vic said under his breath.

“They probably were all gay.” Brian choked out trying to hold his mirth back.

Rena snapped her eyes to Brian sternly. Brian gave her a “what the fuck did I say?” look.

Viv’s eyes narrowed. “Perhaps, but at least I got big settlements from each of my supposedly, gay husbands. What have you ever gotten from one of your gay tricks? Besides crabs and the clap that is.”

Viv aimed her cutting remark with amazing accuracy.

 

“Both of you behave. It doesn’t matter if he was gay or not, I was responsible for the divorce.” Tom interjected before an argument ensued and walked over to stand by Viv’s side. Viv put her arm around him. More than one eyebrow was raised at the familiar gesture.

“Yes FINALLY, he noticed.” Viv turned her full attention on him. Her eyes soft.

“For years I’ve been trying to get this mans attention. Twenty years ago I asked him to marry me and he turned me down. Said his job was to protect me, not fuck me.” Viv laughed, so did everyone else. Tom looked a bit uncomfortable.

“So I went out and got myself married. And I’ve been getting married over and over again ever since trying to get his attention. Leopold put him over the edge. He was Latin, 23 and hung like you wouldn’t believe. And yes Brian, he was gay.” She actually winked and smiled at him.

Brian laughed.

“Of course he was a total gold digger, but he served his purpose. Tom threw him out of the house the day we came back from our honeymoon and said I was getting married for the last time.” Viv paused for affect.

“To him.”

Rena gasped. “No! You and Tom are married?” She asked astonished.

“Not yet, my divorce isn’t final. But as soon as it is, we’ll be getting married. And everyone here is invited!” Viv made the grand announcement.

There were cheers and congratulations all around, along with champagne to celebrate the occasion.

Margot wasn’t included in the revelries. She watched the scene from her seat at the bar as if she were examining it for final cut.

“So Re, are you going to introduce us to Margot Hathaway!” Michael said excitedly.

Everyone in the room recognized her, and were a little star struck, but no one made a move to go join her. She was Hollywood royalty.

“Margot darling, be a dear and bring your 90 proof Hollywood ass over here and meet Rena’s family.” Viv called over to her friend.

Margot turned around and gave the group a look that lived up to her reputation. Bored, and pompous.

“Jesus, just what we need. Another fucking drama queen.” Deb snapped her gum and went back to check on the turkey.

Brian and Vic laughed.

“If I must.” She said and walked over to the group.

Everyone got introduced and they all got along surprisingly well. The day was actually starting to shape up nicely.

Justin spent most his time talking to his mother and sister. Brian was happy they decided to come. Originally Jennifer had planned to spend Thanksgiving with her mother in Boston, but Brian convinced her to spend it with them at Rena’s. He knew Justin was feeling guilty over not being able to see them much over the past few months. They needed this time together.

Ben was busy putting the final touches on his Tofu Turkey casserole. Always the health nut. Mikey said he was doing much better these days. His T cell count was good. For now, the cocktails were working. And little Mikey seemed happier than Brian has ever seen him.

Deb and Vic were little mother hens in the kitchen, leaving Rena time to visit with Viv and Tom. The look on his sister’s face was worth the price of having Margot there.

He had to admit, Emmett was doing them all a favor. He was monopolizing the bitch’s time, which meant his family was spared her particular brand of ‘socializing’.

Brian lounged back on the couch and watched his odd little family, which wasn’t so little anymore and was pleasantly surprised to find that he was actually enjoying himself. Every now and then Justin would look over at him with that gleam in his eyes, promising him all sorts of carnal pleasures for later that evening. He felt himself stiffen. That little fucker would pay. And he wasn’t going to wait for tonight. He’d sneak him up to the bathroom later to relief his current situation.

John sat on the couch next to him, interrupting his thoughts.

“Are my eyes deceiving me or are you actually have a good time Brian?” John asked good-naturedly.

Brian made a face. “Lets just say I’m enduring.” He said.

John laughed.

“Where’s Shane?” Brian asked. He thought she may have been upstairs hiding from Viv. Those two got along as well as he and Margot did.

“She went out earlier. Said she had something to do.” John said.

Brian nodded and took another sip of his champagne.

“How’s she doing.” He asked John.

John sighed. He knew Brian was speaking of Rena, and not Shane.

“I’m glad you brought Viv. She’s been very tense lately. Did you know she’s seeing the therapist twice a week now?” He asked.

Brian turned to look at him. “No, when did that start?” He asked.

“Last week. I asked her if that meant she was making progress. She said what it meant was she wanted to get it over with.” John said, concern heavy in his voice.

Brian looked over at his sister and studied her. She seemed relaxed, and happy. She smiled and laughed easily as she talked to Viv and Tom. To the inexperienced eye, one would think she didn’t have a care in the world. Brian knew his sister too well though. Her smile was a little too wide, her laugh a little too forced, and her gestures a little too exaggerated. She was suppressing some serious anxiety.

Fuck he wished she would talk to him. His eyes narrowed in anger. Anger at himself for not being able to help her, and anger at her for not trusting him to come to him for help.

Rena turned to look at him at that very moment. She saw the look of pain and anger in his eyes and excused herself from the conversation. She got up and walked over to where he sat with John.

“John, give me a minute alone with Bean.” She said.

John got up and kissed her on the cheek. “That’s what I love about you gorgeous. You get right to the point, don’t you?” He said.

Rena blushed, slightly embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so curt.” She said.

“Yes you did.” John laughed and playfully swatted her ass. “Brat.” He said before he walked off.

Rena gave him a halfhearted scowl before turning her attention back to her brother. She sat down next to him.

“So, want to tell me what that look was all about?” She said.

“Why didn’t tell me you started seeing the shrink twice a week?” Brian asked bluntly. It was something they had in common. Their unapologetic way of getting right to the point.

“It’s no big deal. He thinks I need to see him more. Feel’s we’re getting close.” She said as she looked around the room.

Brian noted she wasn’t looking at him. She was avoiding, again.

“Re, tell him.” He said.

She snapped her head around. Her eyes met his.

“God Bean you are so fucking blind sometimes. Do you think my seizures stem from the night Andy died?” She waited for a response, when none came she continued.

“You are so fucking thick sometimes. I was happy that night. I told you so, I said, “I’m glad.” Remember? I meant it. You freed Andy. Finally he was free. You released him from that fucking hellish prison Emilian put him in.” She let out a bitter laugh.

“That’s one good fucking memory I have. I felt relieved, and happy. At least one of us got away from that monster. Trust me, my seizures didn’t start that night.” She said than quickly averted her eyes. She knew she said too much.

Brian’s eyes widened in shock. He was sure that Rena’s seizures stemmed from watching him take Andy’s life that night. Something as traumatic as watching one brother, end the life of your other brother would be enough to give anyone seizures. But there was something in Rena’s tone that made him believe her. That and the fact that she never lied to him. Oh she withheld the truth on occasion, but she never lied. Now the question was, if her seizures weren’t rooted in the events of that awful night, then what?

Was it possible Emilian had abused her as well? He couldn’t’ believe she would hide that form him, or Andy. How could she? Even Andy couldn’t hide he was being abused, no matter how hard he tried, the evidence was there. If Emilian had abused Rena, when and how? The only time he was away from her was on holidays, and different social occasions where Joan and Jack felt his presence was required for appearance sake. But when he would return home, he didn’t see any difference in Rena. Andy on the other hand, always looked a little sadder, a little more defeated.

Rena got up from the couch and stared down at Brian. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! She saw it in his eyes. He was guessing at the truth. But she wouldn’t let him. Not now, not today of all days.

“Bean, stop. I promise you we’ll talk about it, after the holidays. But DON’T make me do this now, ok?” She pleaded with her eyes.

Brian reached up and grabbed her wrist. He pulled her down and kissed her.

“Ok, I promise. But after the holidays, we’re going to sit down and have a long talk. No more hiding Rena. And talk to your shrink. Don’t hold anything back. I mean anything. Promise?” He asked, his heart suddenly feeling a lot heavier. God would their fucking nightmare ever end?

“ I promise.” She said and smiled sweetly.

She stood back up. Brian held on to her wrist.

“I better go find John. He’s been so good to me lately. I hate snapping at him. I do it way too often lately.” She said.

“He’s a big boy, he can handle it. Re, I’m your brother, if you’re feeling stressed, and need to vent, you should come to me…” He said.

“I will, I promise.” She said with a small smile.

“ I just need work things out by myself first. Please, Brian. I need you to understand, and not worry, ok? Bottom line is, we’re together now. Our family is safe. Whatever was done IS done. Over. It’s time for us to move on. Isn’t that what you’ve been telling me?”

Brian knew when she used his given name, she was serious. Yes, they needed to move on, but moving on was proving more difficult for her to do than he had anticipated. Fuck he hated feeling this helpless. His sister was suffering, and there was nothing he could do. Well, the least he could do was make it easier on her.

He held her gaze and nodded his head. “Go find your man” He said and released her.

“Take him upstairs for a quickie. I hear straight people like that.” He gave her his famous Kinney smirk.

She laughed easily. Brian felt the heaviness in his chest lift a bit.

“Oh, like you never gave Justin a quickie?” She teased.

Brian made a face. “Please, Brian Kinney does NOT do quickies.” He winked at her.

“Yeah, well at your age, it must take more time to get it up.” She said and stepped out of the way of the pillow he threw at her.

She left him laughing in search of John.

 

Justin watched the whole exchange with a worried frown. He went over to sit by Brian.

“What did she say?” He asked. From the look on Brian’s face, he could tell he was getting suspicious. No one knew Rena better than Brian, and Brian had to know Rena was hiding something from him.

Though he’s been pressing Rena to tell Brian about the rape knowing the longer she waited, the harder it was going to be, he now hoped she would hold off telling him until after the holidays. He didn’t need for Brian to have another reason to hate the holidays. Justin didn’t even want to think what Brian’s reaction would be when he learned the truth.

“It’s what she didn’t say.” Brian answered solemnly.

Justin nodded. Brian knew she was holding something from him. He could see the wheels turning in his head. He needed to distract him.

“I’m going to Boston to visit my grandmother with Mom and Molly.” He announced perkily.

Brian looked at Justin and was rewarded with one of his million dollar smiles.

“When?” He asked

“We’re leaving tomorrow. And I’ll only be gone a few days. I’ll be back this Sunday. I haven’t seen nana in a long time. We’ll shop, take it some shows, it will be great. Why don’t you come with me?” Justin asked, knowing Brian would refuse. Spending three days with his mom and nana would make Brian insane. Besides, they wouldn’t be able to sleep in the same room at nana’s house.

Brian snorted. “First, your mother barely tolerates me, and second your nana would have a heart attack the first time she saw me kiss you. Have you even told her your gay yet?” Brian asked.

Justin blushed. “Uh, well no. It just never really came up.” Justin said, knowing it was a paltry excuse at best.

“Come on Sunshine, you can do better than that.” Brian taunted mischievously.

Justin had no trouble telling his parents and the world he was gay, but when it came to his nana, Justin didn’t want to hurt her. Craig, he could give a shit about, and his mother, well he trusted Jen to be strong enough to handle it, but Justin’s nana was old, and fragile, and Justin loved the woman and didn’t want to cause her any pain. Brian knew that if she had asked, Justin wouldn’t lie. He was however glad she never asked. Brian couldn’t help but tease him about it.

“Ok, I haven’t told her because you’re right, she would have a heart attack. The woman is in her eighties and a bigger wasp than my mother! To be honest though, I think she knows. It’s just one of those ‘wasp’ traditions where everyone knows something, but tactfully avoids mentioning it. The last time I visited her she introduced me to her friend. The woman remarked how handsome I was and asked if I had a girlfriend. Nana tactfully told the woman that I was a ‘serious’ young man who didn’t have time for the ladies. Yeah, I think she knows.” Justin smiled remembering his nana telling that woman the lie with her haughty demeanor.

Brian laughed. “She’s a pip. And you’re probably right. You go, have some fun. It will make your mother happy. I’ll let you know if there’s any developments here.” Brian said, referring to James’s mission. They haven’t heard from him yet, but he said it would be at least a week or more before he would contact them.

“I still wish you would come with me.” Justin leaned over and kissed Brian’s neck.

“I can introduce you to nana as my ‘serious man friend’.” He laughed.

“I can just see her face. I wonder if she’d appreciate my tact.” Justin said a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Brian gently pushed Justin away. “You’ve a vicious streak in you young man. I’m going to have to do something about that.” Brian threatened with a smoldering look.

“uuh ohh…” Justin ran his hand down Brian’s arm. “Should I be scared?” He asked, his eyes hooded with lust.

Brian was about to reply when a voice rang out from the entry hall.

 

“Holy Shit! When the fuck did you get here?” Shane said from the doorway. Her eyes glued on Viv’s. Adam was standing by her side.

Everyone turned around to see Shane and Adam standing in the entryway.

But it was who stood behind them that made Brian gasp and call out in a voice that almost matched Rena’s earlier screech of delight.

Standing behind Shane and Adam, was Lindsey, Melanie, and….

“Gus!”…………….


	53. Before There Was You, There Was You

“There is nothing in this world clear as black on white, except for what I feel “

Author Unknown…

 

“What the fuck did you do now Kinney! I expect EVERYONE to be there! It’s Thanksgiving for fucks sakes!” Deb screeched into the phone.

“Asshole.” She added, as if an after thought.

Brian rolled over and pulled the phone away from his ear. He took a moment to get his bearings straight before he rolled back.

“Do I really need this shit at…..” Brian squinted at the alarm clock on his nightstand.

“8 in the morning!” He growled into the phone, his mind and body were fighting to go back to sleep.

Justin murmured in protest next to him.

“Shhh…. Go back to sleep.” Brian said soothingly and pulled the sheet up over him. He could only hope Justin didn’t wake with the bitch of a hangover that he had.

“Who the fuck are you shushing!?” Deb screeched into the phone. Brian cringed as her voice slashed through his brain like a knife.

“Jesus Deb, keep your voice down, I’m not deaf. You’re going to wake Justin up!” Brian complained.

“Don’t change the subject, asshole. What the fuck did you do?!” Debbie demanded.

 

“Deb what the fuck are you talking about?” Brian asked rubbing is aching temples.

“I’m talking about the fucking call I got from Emmett last night saying he wasn’t coming to Thanksgiving dinner! I can smell your hand in this Kinney, what the fuck did you do to him!” Deb accused in typical Deb fashion.

Brian sighed. Fucking Emmett. He must have called her sometime during the night. Probably before Justin had a chance to talk to him.

“Deb, I don’t care what Emmett told you, he will be there. He’s just being a fucking drama queen, it’s what he does best.” Brian retorted.

“Yeah, well how do you know for sure? He’s not answering his phone! What the fuck did you do to him?” She again, accused.

“Fuck Deb! Why do you always assume I’m to blame when someone fucks up?” He asked grumpily.

“Because the boys look up to you Brian, whether you want to admit it or not. And usually when they do something stupid, it’s because they are either trying to impress you, or be like you. Problem is, no one can fuck up like you do. They just don’t’ have the knack for it. For you, it’s a talent.” She said, reminding Brian of what Andy said to him in his dream the other night.

‘….fucking up is your talent….’ God, they were right. But it was a talent he was determined to put to rest.

“Yeah, well don’t get your panty hose in a knot Deb. Emmett spent the night here at the loft. He was feeling a little depressed over James leaving. That’s all. Justin and I took him out and put one on. He’ll be fine. We’ll be at Rena’s by one like we planned.” Brian tried to reassure her.

“You better! It’s your sisters’ first Thanksgiving with us. I don’t want you fucking it up!” She yelled into the phone.

“Oh and tell Sunshine I said Happy Thanksgiving.” She added in a suddenly cheerful voice.

Brian snorted.

“What? No Thanksgiving wish for me mother Novotney?” He said in a very sarcastic voice.

“Sunshine actually likes holidays. You on the other hand are a miserable bastard every holiday. You scorn and ridicule them as ‘hedonistic rituals’ of straight society. Why should I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving when I know you’d rather be getting your dick sucked then sitting down to dinner with your family?” She said with brutal honesty.

Brian grimaced. He couldn’t argue that point. He always hated the holidays. Holidays at his house were NEVER pleasant. He was always forced to spend them with Jack and Joan. He never got to spend them with Rena and Andy. And every holiday Jack got drunk and beat him. What was there to like about holidays?

“Yeah well, it doesn’t stop you from forcing me to come to these events. You could at least try to make them pleasant for me.” Brian sneered into the phone.

Deb laughed. “What do you want me to do? Serve cock instead of Turkey?”

“Ha.” Brian let out the sarcastic laugh. “You’re a fucking riot Deb. Though it’s not such a bad idea……” He said teasingly.

Deb laughed again. “Though you might appreciate it, I don’t think Mel and Lins would.” She said in jest, then immediately regretted her words.

Mel and Lindsey were not coming to Thanksgiving dinner. It would be the first time since they’ve all known each other that they wouldn’t be spending the holiday together. Worse, was that Brian wouldn’t be spending it with his son.

“Fuck Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“Fuck it.” Brian said cutting her off. “Not your fault. Listen, I got to go. If we’re going to be there in time, I have to get Sunshine up. Later.” He said and hung up the phone.

Truth was, Debs words stung. He was all too aware that he wasn’t going to see his son today. He had tried to drown out that painful reality last night. Justin had sensed it. He let Brian drink to excess without once saying a word. He didn’t even blink when Brian took some E Anita had given him. This morning of course, he felt guilty. Here he was trying to kick his old pain management habits and at the first sign of trouble, he slips. Great Kinney, let the kid down again.

Brian rolled over and gingerly swung his feet over the side of the bed. His head was pounding. He couldn’t believe it was Thanksgiving already. It seemed like only yesterday they were putting James on a plane to D.C. Wait Kinney, think, it WAS only yesterday!

Brian groaned as his mind drifted over the past week.

Once Justin agreed to James’s plan, which was easier than Brian had anticipated, things started moving fast.

It really only took one simple question from James to get Justin’s consent.

‘Do you think Hobbs is capable of doing what he did to you, to someone else?’

Justin never took into account the possibility that Hobbs might harm another gay person someday. Once considered, it took Justin all but 3 minutes to make his decision.

It wasn’t in Justin’s nature to do nothing knowing that there was a chance someone might get hurt. His gut reaction would be to act, and Brian counted on that “impulsive gut reaction” to get Justin to agree to the plan.

He wasn’t disappointed.

Justin had conceded to go along with the plan, but with some stipulations. He wanted to be in on all phases and he wanted final say of the outcome. James and Brian agreed.

Phase one of James’ plan was to find out how dangerous Hobbs really was. They knew what Hobbs was capable of; Justin was proof of that. But did he truly intend to kill Justin, or just hurt him? Brian, ever the cynic, believed Hobbs intended to kill Justin, but Justin brought up the possibility that maybe he just intended to hurt him bad. The attack was planned, but was the results?

The only way to find out was for James to get close enough to Hobbs to see what the young man had under his fingernails. What secrets he was keeping, what his thoughts were.

And there was only one way to do that.

James was going undercover.

James left for D.C. yesterday morning. Brian had driven him to the airport. He was going to contact ‘friends’ of his from the agency who could help him get the necessary papers in order to create a new identity. When he returned, he would be undercover. No one he knew from the Pitts would know he was back, or what he was doing.

They had explained his sudden departure to their friends and family as an unexpected family emergency. Stating that his grandmother in Russia was ill and the family was being asked, upon her request, to spend the holidays with her. That would excuse his absence for the next few months.

Rena was suspicious but said nothing. It wasn’t unusual for James to take off suddenly on mysterious trips. He had done it several times in the past since being with Rena. Rena understood that on occasion, James still did jobs for the government.

Shane too understood James’s “trips” and took his sudden departure in stride.

Deb was a bit disappointed he wouldn’t be with them during the holidays, knowing how important he was to both Brian and Rena, but other than that, the ruse was easy to pitch.

 

Emmett, however, proved to be a problem.

 

Brian cringed as he replayed the scene last night in his head. Fucking James left without saying goodbye to Emmett. He had asked Brian and Justin to explain to him the situation. He knew he couldn’t lie to Emmett, and he didn’t want him involved. Not yet at least. James wanted to protect Emmett as much as possible.

So he left it up to them to tell Emmett the story they told everyone else. Of course, Emmett didn’t buy one word of it. He had queened out, big time even by Emmett standards. He just KNEW something bad had happened to his “Jamesy”.

Brian grimaced at the memory.

He cried, screamed, got hysterical, threatened physical bodily harm, and in the end, told him and Justin to fuck off. Thank God Justin was able to get through to him. Brian was ready to strangle him.

Without going into detail, Justin told Emmett the truth. He told Emmett about getting his memory back and what he remembered about Hobbs. Emmett freaked when he heard that part and started crying. He hugged Justin and cursed Hobbs vehemently, wishing all sorts of horrid things on his head. Justin blushed and hugged Emmett back, he loved that Emmett was so loyal to him.

Justin explained to him that after hearing what Justin had remembered about that night, James felt that Hobbs could be more dangerous then anyone realized, so he went to Washington to ask an old friend of his to do some investigating. Justin left out the part about James planning to be the one doing the actual investigating. Up front and personal.

He told Emmett that James didn’t want anyone to know where he was going. He reminded Emmett of James past ‘profession’, and how secretive that part of his life was. Emmett nodded understanding. Though James didn’t tell him much about his past, he knew James use to work under cover for the government.

The confrontation with Emmett took up most of the night. It gave Brian a splitting headache and he was ready to explode. Justin noted his mood and suggested that they all to go Babylon to let off some steam.

Babylon was hopping. It was the night before Thanksgiving and everyone was in a festive mood. They all got pretty wasted.

Brian didn’t intend to get so fucked up but between the trouble at work, the situation with Lindsey and Mel, Shane cutting again, Justin getting his memory back, and his mothers’ revelation that he had a gay uncle, it was all Brian could do not to slit his wrists.

The “party” was over when Emmett threw up all over a trick in the back room. Brian grabbed Justin and hauled Emmett out of there. He called car service to take them back to the loft. Emmett was currently crashed on their couch.

 

“Brian, what’s wrong?” Justin said sleepily as he pushed himself up from the bed.

Brian let out a breath and turned to face him.

“That was Deb. She just wanted to make sure we’ll be there on time.” He said.

“That’s not what I meant.” Justin said and sat up next to Brian, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“What’s WRONG?” He asked again.

Brian smiled sadly. “Can’t hide anything from you huh?” He said.

Justin smiled and shook his head.

Brian sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

“Fucking Slatter.” Was all he said.

Justin understood.

Adam had promised Brian that he would talk to Lins and Mel this week about the situation with Gus. Brian was hoping Adam could get them to come to some sort of agreement, or at least have a sit down with him.

But they hadn’t heard a word from Slatter all week. Robert had tried to contact him several times, and has yet to receive a call back. And now, on Thanksgiving, Brian would have to spend the day without his son.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist and leaned his head on his shoulder. “We could go over to their house and ask to see him. I don’t think Lindsey would throw us out on Thanksgiving.” He offered.

Brian thought about it for a moment. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t want Gus to witness anything bad should it turn into an argument. I don’t want his memories of the holidays being bad.” Brian said.

Justin nodded and placed a kiss on Brian’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“Sorry’s bullshit, you know better than that. There is nothing to be sorry about. It’s just one day. I will get my parental rights back.” Brian said determinedly.

Silence ensued. After a few moments, Justin spoke again.

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

“Besides this bitch of a hangover I got?” Brian said.

Justin laughed. “We definitely need some aspirin.” He said.

“You’re allergic, remember?”

“Then it’s Grandma’s special “day after” tonic.” Justin said as he rose from the bed.

Brian grabbed his arm and pulled him around.

“Not so fast Sunshine.” He said as he placed his hands on Justin’s hips and positioned him between his legs. He pressed his morning hard on up against Justin’s.

“Mmmmmmmmm…….” Justin murmured and leaned forward to kiss him. “Now there’s a remedy I’m “up” for.” Justin cringed at his own pun.

Brian laughed.

 

“Good God what the fuck was that shit Anita gave us!”

Emmett burst into the bedroom unannounced, and unwelcome. He was wearing noting but white briefs, and a makeshift ice bag on is head.

“Jesus fucking Christ Honeycutt, I’m trying to get laid here! Get your fucking fruit of the loom clad ass out of here! Looking at them is making my dick soft! Brian griped.

“Fuck that, move over.” Emmett said and unceremoniously plopped down on the bed next to him. Justin laughed and pulled away from Brian.

“Mother fucker!” Brian screeched and scooted over to give Emmett room.

“I’m dying Brian, don’t start with me. My head feels like it’s going to burst into a million pieces any minute.” He complained in a whiney voice.

Brian pulled the sheets around him to cover his now deflating erection. He stood up and turned to face Emmett.

“You’re not dying. Yet. Though if you don’t get the fuck out of my bed, that situation is going to change. AND Fast.” He threatened.

Instead of heeding Brian’s warning, Emmett turned into the mattress and buried his face.

“Have pity Bri, I’m think I’m really dying! I’ve never had a hangover this bad!” Emmett practically cried. The makeshift ice bag was now starting to sweat all over Brian’s designer sheets.

Brian cursed.

“Fucking drama queen. You’re ruining my Milano Italian sheets!” Brian took the dripping ice bag away from Emmett and threw it on the floor. Emmett pulled the duvet up over his head.

“You’re not dying, you’re just not use to partying so heavy. It’s called getting old Honeycutt. Deal with it.” He said.

He turned to Justin. “Sunshine, do me a favor, make Emmett and me some of your Grandma’s special tonic.” He said and winched at the sound of his own voice. God he was hung over.

Justin smiled and kissed Brian. He pulled on a pair of sweats before he headed out to the kitchen. Brian sat back down on the bed and tried to will his headache away.

Ten minutes later Justin returned with the magic tonics only to find the two lying in bed side by side, eyes closed. Emmett was now curled into Brian’s side, his arm draped across Brian’s waist. A suspicious noise that sounded like a snore was coming from Brian’s prone figure.

Justin smiled at the two and sat on the edge of the bed. He reached over and gently brushed a wayward strand of hair from Brian’s forehead. He loved watching Brian sleep.

“Hey, sleeping beauty. I have your tonic. You know you have to drink it before it loses it bite.” Justin said softly.

Brian opened one eye and leered at Justin. “Get….him…off….of…. me..” He said pacing out the words menacing.

Justin laughed and gently rolled Emmett over.

Brian sat up and groaned loudly.

“Give me my poison.” He said. Justin handed him the glass.

Brian sat on the edge of the bed and drank the dark liquid down in one gulp.

“Why do I do this to myself?” He asked out loud in a raspy voice, his face contorted from the awful taste of the tonic.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve had a pretty rough week. Besides, you were careful. You didn’t take that second hit of E, and you turned down several offers of bump. I’d say that’s improvement.” Justin smiled and took the glass from him and placed it on the Fenton nightstand by the bed.

Brian looked up at him. “You’re monitoring me Sunshine?” He asked dangerously.

Justin tilted his head. “No, I just notice things. I can’t help it. It’s a habit.” He said giving Brian one of his million watt smiles.

“I’m always watching you. I love watching you. I love watching you sleep. I love watching you eat; I really love watching you fuck. Um, me that is.” He added with a mischievous grin that made Brian instantly hard.

“I love watching you at Babylon when the neon lights hit you just right. God look so hot when you’re dancing under those lights. I love watching the way your body moves and bends to the music.” Justin moved to stand in-between his legs. He cupped his chin with his hand and ran thumb over Brian’s bottom lip.

“I love watching your mouth when you talk, especially when you’re trying to convince someone of something. There’s something very sensual about how your mouth moves and the way you snake the tip of your tongue out and run it along your bottom lip when you’ve just finished making a point. You do it so quickly; it’s almost undetectable.” Justin leaned in and imitated the movement by gliding his tongue over Brian’s bottom lip. Brian moaned and opened his mouth to give him better access, but Justin pulled away.

“I love watching the way you put your tongue in your cheek when you’re contemplating something, or when you think you’ve just said something particularly clever.” Justin let out a small laugh at the look of feigned indignation on Brian’s face.

“I love how you pull your bottom lip in when you’re unsure of what to say next.” Justin said, his voice taking on a serious tone.

He stepped back and bent slightly at the waist, bringing his eyes level with Brian’s. He took a moment to stare into the hazel depths of them.

“But most of all, I love watching your eyes. You speak with your eyes Brian. I didn’t have to see you turn down those offers of bump to know you were not going to take them to begin with. The whole night you were getting ripped, you were conscious of how much you were consuming. Yes, you drank a lot, and took a hit of E, but you stopped yourself before you ‘lost’ yourself. When in pain management mode, the goal is to ‘lose’ yourself. With whatever it takes. Drugs, booze, sex… But last night, you didn’t want to lose yourself. And yeah, I noticed. Now, is that monitoring you? No. It’s just the results of a selfish habit I’ve picked up over the years.” Justin clarified as he held his gaze.

 

Brian was completely blown away by Justin’s words. It amazed him that after all they been through; Justin still loved him with an adoration that was staggering. He wondered, not for the first time, what he did to deserve the kid.

For the longest time, his life was so empty. A series really of unfortunate events, and one night stands. Time spent just filling the void until ‘he’ came along.

And than one fateful night Brian looked up and saw his past, and his future standing under that lamppost. It was that night that his life began again.

God was there a time before Justin? He could barely remember now. But he was always there, wasn’t he? He was in Andy’s vision. Since he was a young boy, Justin was there.

“You know Sunshine, before there was you, there was you.” He said, not knowing where the words came from, or if they even made sense.

But Justin understood. He smiled and said. “I know.”

“Andy’s vision.”

Brian reached up and pulled him in for a kiss. He kissed him deep, and thoroughly and with a passion that was soul rendering. As always, his kiss spoke volumes to Justin.

When he finally pulled away, they were both breathless.

Brian held Justin’s face in his hands. His thumbs traced Justin’s cheekbones. God he was so beautiful. Deep in his soul, he knew he would never love this way again.

Justin heard him.

“I love you too.” He said.

Brian smiled.

“You know Sunshine, you don’t have to say the words for me. I’m perfectly capable of saying them myself.” He teased.

Justin laughed. “I know. You’ve said them twice so far. The first time I forgot, and it took you two years to say them again.”

“I’ve said it that many times?!” Brian feigned outrage.

“What can I say? You spoil me.” Justin laughed and kissed the tip of his nose.

“As if you would have it any other way. Andy should have warned me how high maintenance you were going to be.” Brian playfully swatted Justin’s ass.

“Ouch!”

“Speaking of Andy, I had a dream of him the other night.” He told Justin.

“Oh?” Justin said, waiting for Brian to elaborate.

“Yeah. He said to tell you the answer is yes. Have any idea what he meant?” Brian asked in a light voice. He didn’t want to freak Justin out by telling him he believed he had a ‘visit’ from Andy, and not just a dream.

Justin’s eyes grew large. “No shit!” He reached over to the nightstand by Brian’s side of the bed and pulled out the old photo from the top drawer.

He held it out to Brian. “I hope you don’t mind, but sometimes I take this picture out and talk to Andy. I don’t know why, but it’s comforting. I can’t believe he actually answered me!” Justin said excitedly.

Brian took the photo of Andy, Rena and him from Justin and looked at it.

“What did you ask him?” He asked absentmindedly as he stared at the photo of them as kids. His mind drifted back to a time when things were so much simpler. When they were carefree, and happy. Before Andy got sick.

“I asked him if you’d ever be that happy again.” Justin said quietly.

Brian looked over at him.

“You make me happy.” He said.

Justin’s eyes started to tear.

Brian sighed dramatically breaking the WAY to lesbianic moment.

“I’ve enough to deal with Emmett’s hysteric’s Sunshine, don’t you start in on me.” He said in a light teasing voice.

Justin let out shaky laugh. He knew the conversation was getting way to emotional for Brian, but Justin reveled in every word being spoken between them. It was one of those rare moments when Brian let his guard down, and stood emotionally naked before him.

This day, this very moment, would forever be etched into his brain.

He wiped his eyes, and took the photo away from Brian. He placed it back in the drawer.

“You know how my fucking allergies act up during this time of year. “ He said.

Brian laughed. “Yeah, I know.” He said.

“Shower?” He asked abruptly changing the subject as he stood up from the bed. He grabbed Justin’s’ hand and dragged him towards the bathroom.

 

“Um, we better lock the bathroom door. We don’t’ want Emmett walking in on us.” Justin said sheepishly as they entered the bathroom.

 

Brian released Justin and turned the water on.

“That queen walks in on us and I swear I’ll rip him a new one.” He said as he adjusted the temperature of the water.

Brian liked his showers hot, but he was careful not to make them too hot. Justin’s skin was too delicate for the heat Brian was use to.

He turned back to Justin, a seductive leer plastered on his handsome features.

Justin’s body instinctively reacted to it. Steam started to fill the room, and Justin’s cock grew instantly hard. His eyes grew dark with his passion.

“Here, let me help you out of those.” Brian said as he dipped his hands into Justin’s sweats and pulled them down.

“Mmmmm…I don’t think Emmett would consider you ripping him a new one, as a bad thing.” Justin teased as he stepped out of his pants.

Brian laughed and walked Justin backwards till they reached the bathroom door. He pushed Justin up against it and locked it behind his back.

“Fuck him. Better yet, Fuck me…”

And that’s exactly what Justin did…..

 

Outside the bathroom Emmett woke to the shrill sound of the phone ringing. He cursed and blindly reached for it, knocking over someone’s watch, and a glass of some foul smelling dark liquid. His hand curled around the receiver as he brought it to his ear.

“Hello…” He said groggily into the phone.

“You sound like you swallowed a frog. The result of too much drinking and drugging I presume. Well, never mind. My flight comes in at 11:00 a.m. Get your hung over ass to the airport and pick me up.”

The woman on the other end of the phone said. Emmett struggled to sit up.

“I’m sorry, who is this?” Emmett asked in a very groggy confused voice.

“Why it’s Aunty Viv of course!”


	54. Arrangements Made

"And all I can do is keep on telling you  
I want you  
I need you  
But -- there aint no way Im ever gonna love you  
Now dont be sad  
cause two out of three aint bad  
Now dont be sad  
cause two out of three aint bad.."

~ Meatloaf – Two out of Three Ain’t Bad

 

“I’m not going.” Justin said with an determined lift to his chin and folded his arms across his chest.

Brian picked up Justin’s backpack and pushed it into his chest. Justin instinctively grabbed it to prevent it from falling to the floor.

“You’re going. Mother Taylor will be here any minute. Mustn’t disappoint her.” He said and walked over to the kitchen.

“Besides, I’ve got work to do. Just because my employees are granted the privilege of having four days off for Thanksgiving…” He paused and turned around to face Justin, a look of confusion on his face.

“Which I never understood. Four fucking days to eat Turkey? You KNOW that had to be some hetero’s idea.” He said shaking his head then turned back around and went to the refrigerator where he pulled out a bottle of water.

“Doesn’t mean I get to fuck off.” He finished his thought then brought the bottle up to his lips for a long drink.

“I wouldn’t call going to sign papers outlining the conditions of your parental rights as “fucking off.” Justin said and walked over to the kitchen. He slammed his backpack on the counter, not knowing or caring if there were any breakables in it. He didn’t pack it, Brian did. He’d been refusing to take this trip since last night, and Brian had been adamantly insisting he go.

“I won’t let you attend this meeting alone Brian. You need me. Adam said there were some details to the agreement that still had to be worked out. I saw your face. You’re concerned about what those “details” could be. It could get ugly. I want to be by your side.” Justin persisted.

Brian placed the water on the counter and smiled at his lover. His tiger was always ready to defend and protect him, no matter what the situation, or popular belief that Brian fucking Kinney didn’t need protection, but needed to be protected from. It always amused him how Justin would scoff at warnings from Deb and the gang that he was going to get hurt.

Even when Justin left him for Ian -- everyone was concerned about Justin’s feelings. Only Mikey knew how devastated Brian was.

What they didn’t know, what no one knew, was that Justin held the power in their relationship. Those baby blues stole his heart that very first night. If he’d never known of Justin before it wouldn’t’ have mattered. One look into those eyes and he was lost. Andy’s vision or not. Of course he would never let Justin know. Though he suspected the little shit knew.

“Sunshine, I can handle this. I promise you. Go with your mother. You know she and your Nana are looking forward to this visit. I’m not going to freak out no matter what the outcome of this meeting. It’s time you had some faith in me.” Brian said a little disappointed.

Justin tilted his head. “I do have faith in you Bri. I always have. I just want to be by your side should things go badly.” Justin corrected softly.

“If things go badly, I’ll call you. Robert is going to be there. I won’t make a scene. But I won’t sign the agreement if it doesn’t grant me full, unlimited access to my son. I’d rather we go to court. But let’s not assume the worse. They did bring Gus to dinner yesterday. You know that was a huge step for them. They held out the olive branch, and I’m going to take it. I’ll listen to what they propose with an open mind.” Brian said. A smile spread across his face at the memory of having Gus all to himself the whole day yesterday.

The munchers surprised the hell out of him when they showed up at Rena’s. He never thought they’d give in and let him spend Thanksgiving Day with his son. But for whatever reason, they did. They didn’t even object when he took Gus to the park after dinner, alone, for an hour. It was the best day he had with his son, ever.

He knew he monopolized Gus the whole day. He simply could not let go of him. He even had Gus sit on his lap the whole time during dinner. Of course he made sure Gus got a Turkey leg. His son thought it a baseball bat and swung it at every round object he could find. Brian thought it hilarious, however, by the looks on Lins and Mel’s faces, he surmised they thought Brian was being over indulgent. Still, they remained silent.

As much as it galled him, he had to thank Adam. He pulled it off. Though God knows what he did, or knowing him, what he threatened to do, to get girls to agree. He didn’t really care though. He was happy for opportunity to be with his son.

Lindsey and Mel were pleasant all day, though a bit distant, with each other as well as with the family. When they were ready to leave, Adam told him that they had agreed to enter into a shared custody legal contract with him in which all three parents would have legal rights to Gus. Brian never heard of an arrangement in which legal guardianship was shared between three parties. Custodial guardianship contracts where usually between just two parties. But Adam explained that there were many loop holes in the current laws that allowed him to draft a document doing just that. He set an appointment up for today to hammer out the details. Brian agreed to come to the meeting, with his lawyer.

Justin was right though; it was the details of said contract that worried Brian. The devil was always in the details.

Justin studied Brian with a critical eye. He didn’t want to leave now. He was worried that this meeting would go badly and Brian would need him. Yet he knew it would break his mothers and Nana’s heart if he cancelled last minute, and God knows how much longer Nana had. This past year had been rough on her physically. She barely made it through a bout of pneumonia. It was important that he spend some time with her. His brow furrowed.

“Stop thinking. You’ll give yourself a headache. Besides, you always fucking over analyze everything!” Brian snapped.

“Go to Boston. Go visit with Nana. Go do the whole family thing. Oh and while you’re there, do some Christmas shopping for us. Emmett complained about Cynthia doing all my Christmas shopping. Actually, Cynthia complained about it too. Here.” Brian pulled his credit card out of his wallet and handed it to Justin.

“PLEASE do me this favor and buy our Christmas gifts. You know I have no time, and frankly I’m a lousy shopper when it comes to buying gifts for others. As shocking as this may sound, it seems not everyone loves Armani.” Brian said donning a horrified expression.

Justin laughed and took the card. He put it in the back pocket of his jeans. “Well you always know what to get me.” He said and ran his hands up the sleeves of his blue cashmere sweater he was wearing that Brian had given him as a ‘belated, I’m sorry’ birthday gift.

 

Brian came around the kitchen counter and pulled Justin into his arms.

“You know I like this sweater on you. The color matches your eyes.” He said; his voice husky.

“Hmmm….well then I guess I’ll have to wear it more.” Justin answered and ran his hand down Brian’s thigh and up between his legs. He felt him stiffen beneath his touch.

“Or less…” He smiled up at Brian feeling his erection spring forward, straining against his charcoal gray Gucci slacks.

Brian groaned and lowered his head to capture Justin’s mouth in a kiss. Justin leaned into him and rubbed his throbbing cock.

“You know your mother is going to be here any minute.” Brian said pulling his mouth away from Justin’s.

“I don’t think she’ll recover from the sight of her little boy getting fucked in the ass.” He growled into Justin’s ear and slammed his body up against his, hard.

“Argghh….God Brian, how is it I can want you again so soon?” Justin asked in a bewildered, lust ridden voice.

They had just fucked not an hour ago, which was their second time that morning.

Brian laughed deep in his throat.

“Cause you’re a slut?” He answered teasingly as he rotated his hips against Justin’s now hard cock.

“Mmmm…… Maybe. But then again, would you have me any other way?” Justin pulled back and gave Brian a very sultry, meaningful look.

Brian moaned. “Fuck it. Mother Taylor is about to get an education on the fine art of homosexual copulation.” He said and pulled Justin over to the living room. He turned him around and pinned against the back of the couch.

“Knock, Knock, Knock…. Justin are you ready?” Jennifer said as she opened the loft door.

“Fuck! Does she always have to be so punctual?!” Brian complained and quickly disengaged from Justin. He turned and adjusted himself so as to not offend Justin’s mother with his raging hard on. When that didn’t work, he reached for the blazer that was thankfully thrown over the back of the couch and put it on. It was long enough to cover his hard on.

“She’s a wasp. What do you expect? It would be rude to be late.” Justin said.

“And interrupting a perfectly good fuck session is polite?” Brian asked sarcastically once he was properly covered.

Justin gave him an exasperated look and rushed off to the bathroom.

“I’ll be right with you mom, I just need to get a few things.” He said, not having time to argue with Brian over his mother’s good manners.

Brian sighed and turned to greet Jennifer.

“Why hello Mother Taylor.” He said as he approached her. He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

Jennifer smiled politely and accepted Brian’s chaste kiss. She saw the look in his eyes, and the way her son ran off. She shook her head disapprovingly.

“Honestly Brian. It’s a good thing I left Molly in the car. You could be a little more discreet. You knew we were coming.” She said.

“Yeah, well me too. Almost.” Brian retorted. He couldn’t help but tease Justin’s mother. She was such a wasp. He loved embarrassing her.

She huffed and turned her head. A tell tale blush started creeping up her neck. Brian found it adorable.

“Ok, you’re right. My fault. I can’t help it. Your son is irresistible. You can’t blame me for that. He has his mothers’ good looks.” Brian said trying to appease the woman.

“Too bad he doesn’t have his mothers’ good sense.” She muttered under her breath.

Brian laughed. “Well then blame Justin. He gave you the code and key to the loft. It’s your choice to use it more discreetly, or not.” He chided lightly, throwing her advice back at her. He walked over to the refrigerator.

“Can I get you something?” He asked.

“No, I’m fine.” She said and then sighed a sigh of relief when she saw Justin come out of the bedroom.

“Come on honey, we’re going to be late. I want to get there before dark. Nana is making us dinner.” She informed her son.

Justin walked over to the kitchen counter and retrieved his backpack. Brian came around from behind the counter and stood in front of him.

“Have fun, and don’t worry, ok?” He raised his hand to Justin’s cheek and gently brushed it with the back of his knuckles.

“I’ll miss you.” He said seriously.

Justin smiled and rubbed his cheek against Brian’s hand.

“Me too.” He said then leaned up and kissed him.

“Please tell me you didn’t put one of our dildos in my backpack?” He whispered into Brian’s mouth.

Brian pulled back and smiled at him. “I said have fun, didn’t I?” He said tongue in cheek.

Justin groaned.

“Call me when you get out of the meeting.” He said slinging the backpack over his shoulder.

“Stop nagging. I told you I’d call. Now get out of here.” Brian said.

Justin nodded his head then turned to his mother.

“Come on mom. I’m driving.” He said and led her out of the loft.

He turned to look back at Brian.

“I love you.” He silently mouthed then shut the door behind him

Brian stared at the closed door for a good ten minutes.

“I love you too.” He said to the empty loft.

*******************************************************************************

 

“That’s the third time this week. Maybe you should see a doctor?” Adam whispered into his cell.

He was standing outside the conference room where several people were anxiously waiting for him inside.

“Adam, stop worrying. I’m sure it’s nothing. I’m probably coming down with the flue or something.” Shane said.

“Are you feeling sick?” Adam asked and stole a glance at the closed door. Fuck them, they would have to wait.

Shane had thrown up three mornings this week. The first time they thought it was from something she ate the night before. The second time was the next day, they chalked it up to all the drinking they did the night before Thanksgiving, and her stomach still being delicate from being sick the day before. She was fine yesterday, but then she threw up again this morning. Something was wrong.

“No, not really. A little dizzy at times. But other than that I’m fine.” Shane answered.

She had no idea why she was throwing up. The nausea came on quickly, with no signs. It was weird. It was probably just nerves catching up with her. It wasn’t that long ago she was in the hospital. Her wounds were still healing. Then the whole situation with Brian and Adam. Well, at least that was finally resolved. Somewhat.

Add to that coming home to find Viv had come for an extended visit. God knows when she’d be returning home, or if that bitch Margot was going to be staying with them through the holidays as well.

It wasn’t any wonder she was sick.

“I’m making you a doctor’s appointment.” Adam said.

“Stop freaking out. Maybe waking up next to you every morning is making me sick.” She said and laughed.

“Fuck you. This is serious. I’m making the appointment, and you’re going.” Adam said forcefully.

Of course, Shane took exception. “You listen to me Slatter. It’s MY body. If I think I should go to the doctors, I’ll make the appointment. NOT YOU.” Her temper was getting up.

“Shane, this is not an issue we should be arguing about. This is about your health. Be reasonable.” Adam tried to control his tone. God the woman was infuriating! Stubborn as a mule. But he knew if he pushed too hard, she’d defy him, and that would only hurt her.

“Go to your meeting. We’ll discuss this later. I’m going to take a nap. I’m tired.” Shane said, her voice suddenly sounding weary.

Adam was very concerned.

“Ok fancy face, go rest. I’ll come by right after the meeting.” He said, his tone softening.

“Adam, fix it.” She said, referring to the situation between Brian, Lindsey and Melanie.

“I’m trying baby. I’m trying.” He said.

“Go rest. I’ll talk to you later.” Adam said goodbye and shut his cell.

Fuck. He had to get this thing over with quickly. He needed to be with Shane. There was something wrong with her, he could feel it. If he had to, he’d enlist Rena and Brian’s help in getting her to see a doctor.

He took a deep breath, cleared his mind and entered the conference room.

One problem at a time.

 

*****************************************************************************************

 

“That’s not a valid condition.” Robert signed to Melanie.

George translated.

“Yeah, well it’s MY condition.” She said stubbornly. Her eyes never leaving Brian’s.

“Mel, hon, where is this coming from? We agreed, this is what’s best for Gus. You know how much he loves Brian. It would be cruel not to allow his father to be in his life. Why are you suddenly adding conditions to the agreement?” Lindsey asked nervously.

It was no small task getting her lover to agree to Adam’s suggestion. She had to promise all sorts of things she had doubts she could make good on. In the end, it was Adam that convinced her though.

He told them that they may win the battle, but in the end, with all of Brian’s resources, they would lose the war. And possibly lose Gus. Melanie reluctantly agreed to the custodial agreement, which gave each of them equal rights to Gus as his parents, and guardians. The only stipulation was that a schedule be made, and kept, except in cases of emergencies, when it came to visitations, overnights, and vacations with Gus. Plus, all three had to be in agreeance when it came to the big decisions in Gus’s life. Like what school he would attend.

Lindsey thought Mel was ok with the arrangement. It put her on equal footing with Lindsey and Brian when it came to Gus. But now she was making this unusual demand, or else she wasn’t going to sign the papers.

“It’s ok Lins. I accept her condition.” Brian spoke up.

All eyes in the room turned to him.

“Well it’s unorthodox, but then again, so am I. Lindsey, gentlemen, shall we?” Adam said setting the stage for Melanie’s terms.

Mel had demanded that she speak to Brian, alone, before she’d sign any papers. And that the outcome of the discussion would determine whether or not she’d agree to shared custody.

Odd as it was, Brian was curious hear what Mel wanted to say to him that required a response from him. The only thing he could think of that she would want to say to him is what a lousy father he was, and probably will continue to be, but that didn’t require a response.

Once everyone left the room, Mel turned her eyes to Brian’s. Eyes filled with rage, and pain. Brian recognized the look.

He sat across the smooth polished conference table and waited for her to speak.

“Lindsey is in love with you.” She said.

Brian sighed. “Please, not this again.” He said in a bored voice.

“BANG!” Melanie slammed her hand down on the table.

“Fuck you Kinney! Fuck you to hell!” Her eyes filled with tears, rage poured from her pores. Brian marveled at the intensity of her outburst. He straightened up in his chair, gearing up for battle.

“Until you take it fucking serious, things are NEVER going to be right with us, or with Gus. You keep pushing it aside, as if it’s nothing. It’s what you do best when you don’t want to face the truth.” Mel continued on her rave.

Brian sat still, his face emotionless as he took in what she was saying.

“Do you know that if you asked her, she’d married you?”

Brian’s eyes narrowed.

“That’s a lie. You’re being over dramatic Mel, as usual. You should have been born a fag instead of a dyke. You make a great drama queen.” He said, exasperated with her irrational ramblings.

“Lindsey and I love each other as friends. Period.” He stated firmly.

Mel choked out a small, disbelieving sob. “My God are you that blind Brian? How can you not see it? Or do you just block out the obvious cause it’s too painful to deal with?” She asked.

Brian stared at her. She was serious. He knew Lindsey had deep feelings for him, but not once did she ever indicate to him that it was more than friendship. She was a fucking muncher for Christ sakes! And even if she wasn’t, he was Gay. Unquestionably Gay! He could NEVER love her that way.

“Mel, you are taking Lindsey’s’ feelings for me all wrong. I would know if she wanted more from our relationship. I am a man after all, and like all men, Gay or Straight, I DO know when a woman, or a man is attracted to me. Trust me, Lindsey gives no indication that she is interested in me in anyway other than as a friend.” He stated firmly.

“Of course she wouldn’t dare. She thinks you’ll cut off her completely if she told you she had deeper feelings.” Mel retorted.

“She’d be right too. I would.” Brian agreed.

Mel sat back and stared at him with a satisfied look on her face. She waited for the realization and the implications, of what he just admitted to sink in.

Brian blinked several times as the truth of Mel’s words dawned on him.

“Shit.” He said and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“Shit is right. Deep shit. She would like nothing more than for the three of us to live happily ever after, together. That’s why she so readily agreed to this proposal. I agreed because I love Gus, and as fucked up as you are, I know you agreed because you love him too. Lindsey agreed because she loves YOU.” Mel paused for a minute, letting her words sink in. For some reason, the look of shock on Brian’s face gave her no pleasures. She snorted in disgust and folded her arms over her chest.

“So now that you know, what are you going to do about it? You know you can’t cut her off. She’s the mother of your child. She’d use Gus to get to you anyway.” She said.

Brian’s mind was reeling with all the complications this new bit of information presented. He loved Lins, as a friend. She was the mother of his child. How was he supposed to enter into this shared agreement, knowing Lindsey secretly was in love with him? It would cause all kinds of problems, for them all. Did she secretly have fantasies of them living as husband and wife? With Mel on the side for her sexual pleasures? God this was fucked up!

“Jesus fucking Christ Mel, what the fuck do you want me to do?! And why the hell are you still with her if what you say is true? Or do you like playing second fiddle?” He directed his anger at her.

“I wouldn’t be talking about playing second fiddle if I were you Brian. Especially after playing second fiddle yourself to that fiddler the whole time Justin was with him. And don’t give me that shit that you didn’t’ know he was fucking around behind your back. You knew. You just chose to ignore it, just like you chose to ignore Lindsey’s feeling for you all these years.” Mel snapped back.

“You really are a fucking cunt aren’t you?” Brian said, his temper rising big time.

“Yeah, a cunt who happens to be in love with Lindsey. And the reason I’m still with her, is because I know, deep in my heart, Lindsey loves me too.” Mel sighed in defeat.

“The problem is, she’s torn. Deep down she wants to have that “straight” life. Husband, kids, house, dog; in short, her parent’s approval. They cater to her sister and her kids, yet hardly acknowledges Gus. She sees you as her last hope at getting what she wants. Over the years, that hope has fed her love for you. She yearns for the respectability her sister has, and for her parent’s acceptance. She can’t help it Brian. It was how she was raised. You live with a wasp, you know how they are.” Mel smiled for the first time, breaking some of the tension.

Brian however, was too tightly wound up to appreciate it. His mind was focused on how he was going to fix this, so he could be a father to Gus, and have a relationship with his mother, that wasn’t based in some fucked up fantasy of hers.

“She’s not in love with me.” Brian said firmly, coming to a decision.

Mel threw him an incredulous look. “Have you heard nothing I just said?” She asked, frustrated.

“I heard you. But it’s not me she’s in love with. It’s her fantasy of who she’d like me to be. Or more accurately, who She’d like to be.” Brian said.

“You’re right about one thing Mel. She always wanted a big wedding, house, family and all that hetero shit. She’s in love with the fantasy of it, not the reality. The reality would be two people living in the same house, fucking other people. I’ve fucked Lindsey Mel. It was ok, but it wasn’t great, trust me. She’s not the first woman I fucked, unfortunately. I did a lot of experimenting back in college. Let’s just say the earth didn’t move for us. We both knew then that we’d always only be friends.” Brian divulged.

“Yeah, well she’s still chasing that fantasy then. And you haven’t done anything to dispel her delusions.” Mel accused.

“You’re right. I haven’t. But then again, I didn’t know she was harboring these feelings.” Brian admitted.

Mel was speechless. Brian fucking Kinney was agreeing with her. He took the wind right out of sails.

Brian stood up. “This ends now. Sign the papers Mel. I’ll deal with Lindsey. I won’t let her, you or anyone get in the way of me being a father to Gus. It’s time Lindsey understood a few things.” He said.

Mel didn’t like the tone in his voice, or the look in his eyes. She wanted him to do something to make Lins give up her fantasy of being with him, but she didn’t want Brian to hurt her.

“Brian, you can’t just cut her off. That would kill her.” Mel pleaded with Brian.

“Don’t fucking tell me how to deal with Lins Mel. Letting her continue to live this fantasy is hurting her. I told you I’d deal with it. You’re just going to have to trust me.” He said.

He picked up the pen and scrawled his signature on the contract. He then turned the papers around and handed Mel the pen.

She took it hesitantly and signed, then threw the pen on the table. She prayed she made the right decision.

She didn’t know what Brian would do, and she was starting to regret telling him about Lindsey’s feelings for him. Brian could be cruel, very cruel, when he thought it was for someone else’s good. Justin could attest to that.

Justin.

She felt a sudden rush of hope. She’ll talk to Justin. He’ll make sure Brian doesn’t push Lindsey off a cliff like he did to Mikey and Justin, when he thought it was for their own good. Lindsey wasn’t as strong or as confident of her importance to Brian to take a full Kinney blow off.

Yes, she’d call Justin. He was the only one who could rein Brian in. If there was one redeeming quality in Brian fucking Kinney, it was that he loved Justin. And Justin loved him.

Brian grabbed his coat, walked over to the conference room door and swung it open.

“Meetings over. Mel and I both signed the papers Lins, go sign.” Brian announced to the stunned crowd standing out side the room. He put his coat on and strolled by them, his step hastened.

“Wait, Brian, what happened, where are you going?” Lindsey called after him.

“Not that it’s any of your fucking business, but I’m going to Babylon.” He said then left the building.


	55. Unexpected Developments

"It is not about getting what you want, it is about wanting it after you got it."

 

~Ginny from Love Afair

 

“Hey Mac, grab that rafter over there and bring it up to me.” The foreman called down from where he stood on the scaffolding.

Mackenzie Shore wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his muscular forearm and went to do the boss’s bidding.

He’d been on the job less then a week. Which meant he did all the lifting, loading, digging, and any other hard, dirty work there always was an over abundance of on any construction site. New guy always had to pay his dues, and Mac made sure he paid his, and then some. He came in early, stayed late, never complained, never took extra breaks, and always volunteered to do the jobs the other workers didn’t want to do.

One of which was to come into work today, the day after Thanksgiving, because the project was two weeks behind.

“Here let me help you with that.” Chris offered.

He took one end of the long beam and Mac took the other. Mac smiled his thanks at the boy.

Chris was arrogant and cocky with a big mouth. He was also the boss’s nephew.

Chris had a rep for being mean and spiteful, especially to the new guys. He loved giving them a hard time. Mac however, was spared Chris’s taunts and abuse. For some reason, Chris liked Mac and Mac wasn’t about to question, or refute his friendship.

His good standing with the boy was no doubt the result of Mac doing all of Chris’s work. Mac didn’t mind. It served his purpose.

“Fucking bullshit, isn’t it?” Chris grumbled as they hoisted the heavy beam up on to the winch.

Mac shrugged. Not sure what Chris was talking about.

“Just because I’m his fucking nephew he thinks I owe it to him to be here. It’s fucking Thanksgiving break for fuck sakes. Not my fault the asshole is behind on this job. Maybe if he hired some decent contractors, instead of those fags he has working for him, he’d be on scheduled.” He complained.

Mac let out a small laugh. Chris looked at him curiously. The man was quiet, too quiet. He hardly spoke to anyone, and kept to himself. He was tall, well built, and hard working. He didn’t mind doing his share, and knew how to keep his mouth shut. Chris liked that. And it seemed he agreed with Chris’s assessment of their current situation. Chris liked that even more.

Chris smiled at him. “You think working on the holidays is funny?” He said, knowing it wasn’t what Mac had laughed at, but wanting to put him on the spot.

“No, I think those fags your uncle hired are hysterical though.” Mac smiled conspiratorially at him.

Chris grinned broadly. “Not a big lover of the queer eye for the straight guy show huh?” Chris teased.

Mac shrugged again. “Let’s just say I’m not a big fan of any man who doesn’t act like one.” He said then tugged on the pulley, lifting the beam up to where their boss stood.

“Amen to that!” Chris said and watched the beams slow progress up.

“Hey, what do you say I get my uncle to spring us a little early and we go get a drink? I know this great bar downtown where the booze isn’t watered down, and the broads are hot.” Chris offered enthusiastically.

Mac shrugged his shoulders; non-committal like.

“Hey man, I’m sorry, you probably got family to go back to.” Chris offered.

 

“No family here. Got some back in Portland though. Came out here for work.” Mac said.

“Man that sucks, I mean not having family around for the holidays.” Chris paused, not sure if he offended the man.

Mac gave no indication he was offended.

“What do you say I show you around?” Chris asked, breaking the awkward moment.

“Guy like you needs someone to point him in the right direction, if you know what I mean.” Chris let the innuendo hang in the air.

Mac gave him a small smile and nodded his head. “That’s mighty nice of you. I’d like that.” He said in his perfected mid western accent.

Chris gave him a hearty slap on the back. “You might just be alright Mac.” He said laughing.

“Hey Hobbs, you going to stand around yapping all day or are you going to help me secure this rafter?” The boss called down again.

Chris Hobb spat a curse at his uncle from under his breath. “Coming uncle Bob!” He called up a bit too cheerfully. He turned back to Mac.

“Asshole.” He whispered. Both men laughed quietly.

Chris climbed up to where his uncle was with a smile on his face. The new guy was all right. Chris didn’t have many friends. Not real ones. There were plenty of guys who kissed his ass at work, because he was the boss’s nephew, but not many wanted to hang with him outside of work. Of course that was fucking Taylor’s fault. If it weren’t for that fucking fag he wouldn’t be the source of so many rumors.

He had gotten a lot of bad publicity for giving that freak what he had coming. It totally destroyed his social life. Most of his old friends had dumped him. Seemed fag bashing wasn’t politically correct these days. Not on the heels of that fucking Laramie incident. Which, Chris was sure, that kid deserved as well. And making new friends was proving to be difficult once they found out about the bashing.

This new guy Mac though, didn’t seem like he would mind knowing that he kicked some little fags’ ass. No, Mac was a man’s man. His comment about not liking men who don’t act like men was a good indication of where his views lied.

Chris reached his boss and helped him secure the rafter. “Hey uncle Bob, you mind if we kick out early? I want to take the new guy out for a drink. He has no family here and it is the holidays.” Chris asked his uncle.

Bob looked at his nephew suspiciously. “Since when do you give a shit about some new guy?” He asked.

Chris had the good grace to look embarrassed. “He’s different. He’s not an asshole like the rest of them.” Chris said.

Bob snorted. “Fine, go. We’re just about done here. Just remember to get your ass back here early Monday morning. And tell your new friend down there to do the same.” Bob said.

Chris smiled and turned around to wave down at Mac. “We got the green light! Time to party…..Wooo hooo!” Chris called down.

 

Mac looked up at Chris with a smirk on his face and waved back. Cocky, arrogant and stupid it seemed. He didn’t even have to try. His prey was coming right to him. No fun in that he thought wryly.

Mackenzie Shore strolled over to his truck and unbuckled his tool belt. He threw it on to the front seat of the beat up old Ford and hoped in. He looked out the dirty window to make sure no one was around. Hobbs was still up on the scaffold talking to his uncle. He pulled his cell phone out and dialed the number he had memorized. There were no numbers programmed into his phone, and after this call, he would erase it and clear the memory.

 

The person on the other end answered after the second ring.

“Don’t talk, just listen. I’m in.” He said then hung up.

 

Brian sat in his Vet and shut his cell. Well, at least there was one situation that was going as planned. All he had to do now was figure out what he was going to do about Lindsey. He shifted the Vet into first gear and took off.

Flipping open his cell once again, he dialed the number he’d dialed a million times before.

It took several rings before the person on the other end answered.

“Get your ass to the club. I need you.” He said abruptly then flipped the phone shut before he could get a response.

He turned the Vet towards Babylon. It was after all, where he did his best thinking.

************************************************************************

 

Shane looked at Rena with complete shock on her face. Rena smiled, though it was a sad smile.

“Jesus, you think?” She asked, for the second time.

Rena sighed. “It’s a distinct possibility. Come on.” She said and took Shane by the hand.

“Where are we going?” She asked in a very confused state.

“To the Pharmacy.” Rena said grabbing their coats from the hallway closet.

“But Re, I can’t be!” Shane protested even as she shoved her arm into her favorite old worn leather jacket.

Rena laughed. “Yeah, well, I wish I had a dime for every time one of my patients said that.”

They left the house and got into the Lexus. Rena drove.

Thankfully Viv and Margot were out on a shopping excursion. Tom had rented a limo and was chauffeuring them around. Not much changed there Rena thought with a smile, though she’d be surprised if they did. The two of them were too ensconced in old habits to let a little thing like love and marriage change their ways.

 

One hour later Rena and Shane were sitting on the bathroom floor looking at the little blue strip that was lying on the floor between them.

“Well, that answers that. Now what?” Rena asked Shane.

Shane was in total shock. Tears started to form in her eyes.

Rena gathered her in her arms. “Shhh…. It will be alright, I promise you.” She said as she rocked Shane in her arms.

Shane buried her face in Rena’s shoulder.

What the fuck was she going to tell Adam?

***************************************************************************

 

“It’s way too early in the evening to be out prowling, even for you.” Michael noted.

“Yeah, well he doesn’t seem to think so.” Brian nodded his head towards the tall dark, muscular guy dancing on the floor below.

Sap was opening up Babylon earlier these days. Rumor was, he was deep in debt and needed the extra cash flow. It was 8:00pm, the bar was opened, and though it wasn’t a big crowd, there was a respectable number of customers on the floor. Brian usually never came out before 9:00pm. And then it would be to Woody’s for a few drinks, topped off with a night of, dancing and fucking at Babylon. But tonight, Woody’s wouldn’t do. He needed to be in his “place.”

Things were changing in his life. For the most part, that was good, but there were times, like tonight, he needed the familiarity of his favorite playground to remind him that though some things change, others will remain comfortably intact.

As if knowing he was being checked out, the object of Brian’s interest looked back up at Brian with a look that was unmistakably an invitation.

Brian rewarded him with his best sexy grin.

Michael looked over the catwalk they were leaning on.

“Ok, he’s hot.” He said; a goofy grin on his face.

Brian laughed and bumped his shoulder with his own.

“Justin would say he’s too old for you though.” Michael made the teasing comment with a hint of reproach.

Brian scowled at him. “We’re not fucking married.” He spat out. His mood suddenly changing, his interest in the dark hunk now waning.

He turned his back to the dance floor below and rested his elbows against the rails of the catwalk.

“God I hate that fucking hetero ritual. Why the fuck queers are so obsessed with it is beyond me.” He said, disgust heavy in his voice, and his expression.

He turned to face Michael.

“Marriage is nothing more than a union based on rules and expectations that are impossible to keep or live up to. And once the parties involved realize they’ve been lied to by a society that values commitments, as long as they don’t have to actually be accountable for keeping those commitments themselves, they end up giving a shit load of money to Lawyers to get them out of a contract they never should have entered into to begin with. The whole idea that love has anything to do with marriage is a farce. Love doesn’t warrant a contract.” Brian spoke passionately.

“Yeah well, some of us queers would at least like the opportunity to make that decision on our own if we choose. That’s the point. It should be our choice, but we don’t have a choice.” Michael said.

“CHOOSE to be queer Michael and not some watered down hetero version of yourself.” Brian leaned over and practically shouted in Michael’s face.

“We ARE different, and with that comes a different set of rules. We don’t play the same games straight society does. Never have, and never will. Why try to be a cheap imitation of what you’re not? Instead, try being the BEST at who YOU are!” Brian let out an exasperated breath.

“I expected better from you and Lins.” Brian ended his tirade in a defeated tone.

“Jesus Bri, tell me how you really feel!” Michael.

“You’re being a hypocrite anyway. You’re in a committed relationship with Justin. What if Justin wants to get married one day?” Michael challenged him.

Brian gave him a sharp look. “He won’t.” He said brusquely.

“How do you know that? Justin doesn’t share your same views on relationships. True, he’s out and proud, but he’s also a traditionalist. He Loves holidays and family. He comes from a good old WASP family, much like Lindsey’s. AND he believes in monogamy, unlike you.” Michael said that last part with more than a touch of reproach.

“Come to think of it, Justin is very much the marrying type.” Michael goaded.

Brian stared off silently into the distance. His face stiff, his lips pressed tightly together in thought. There was a lot of truth to what Michael was saying. Justin did value all those things. Things that straight society valued as well. His blonde made their loft a home, and loved doing it.

He loved cooking, family gatherings, socializing and quiet evenings at home alone with him. But he also liked partying, taking risks, tricking with him on occasion, and challenging authority at every opportunity. Justin was beautiful and complex and Brian found new things to love about him every day.

Was Michael right? Would Justin want to get married one day?

 

Brian leaned against the catwalk’s railing contemplating Michael’s words for what seemed like an eternity before he responded.

 

“Justin is a lot of things Michael, but he’s not a conformist. Justin is an artist, a free thinker. He follows hetero traditions because he likes them, not because he wants to BE like them. He enjoys holidays, family dinners and fucking only me.” Brian looked over at him with a smirk on his face.

“But he won’t want to get married just because it’s what society, mainly a hetero society, expects him to do. Besides, love isn’t something that needs to be sanctioned by anyone other then the two involved. No one needs to give Justin and I permission, or a license, or their blessing to be together. We decided, we approved, and that’s all that matters to him……and to me.” Brian said resolutely.

Michael could only stare at him. For a brief moment, envy, hot and burning, coursed through him. Envy over what his best friend had.

He loved Ben, with all his heart, but he doubted he would ever feel that kind of secure, unflinching, love Brian felt for Justin. There was a certainty in Brian’s words that was undeniable.

While most people, including himself, wanted, no needed that assurance that came with a marriage license that their partner truly loved them and was committed to the relationship, Brian and Justin, if Justin felt the same way, and Michael was sure he did, had no doubt of their love and commitment to each other. It was like breathing to them. As long as they both breathed, they would love each other. No marriage license could ever give them that kind of assurance.

“I hope you two know how very lucky you both are.” Michael said with that goofy looking grin on his face, his eyes misting.

Brian cursed. “Don’t get all fucking sappy on me now. I’ve enough shit to deal with.” He said.

Michael tilted his head in confusion. “What’s going on Bri?” He asked.

Brian sighed deeply.

“I got my parental rights back to Gus.” He said so quietly Michael wasn’t sure he heard him.

“Jesus Brian, that’s great! I mean, isn’t it? You should be doing cartwheels! It’s what you wanted, right?” Michael asked, a little confused as to Brian’s morose mood.

Brian studied his friend for a moment. “Mel seems to think Lindsey is in love with me. She seems to think that she has this secret fantasy of us being married and raising Gus together.” Brian confessed abjectly.

Michael frowned. “So now Mel knows too.” He said shaking his head.

Brian made an incredulous face. “What the fuck! You knew? What does all of fucking Liberty Avenue know?” He said exasperated.

“No, only those who love you and Mel it seems. Though I should have known Mel would figure it out eventually. You see Bri, we who love you have our own little club. We recognize each other. Kind of like Gay-dar, only it’s Bri-dar.” He said half jokingly.

Brian rolled his eyes. “Please. Don’t be ridiculous.” He said.

“I’m not. I bet Justin knows as well.” Michael said.

“Shit, speaking of Justin, I better call him. I told him I’d call as soon as the meeting was over.” Brian said pulling out is cell.

“Um, you do realize that was about 4 hours ago, don’t you?” Michael asked.

Brian shot him a menacing look and he put the cell to his ear.

 

“Justin, why the fuck didn’t you call me?” He said as soon as Justin answered, thinking to throw his blonde off balance.

“Nope. Not getting a pass on this one. Jesus Bri, I was worried something bad happened at the meeting.” Justin said, and then hesitated as he heard the “thumpa-thumpa in the background.

“It’s a little early to be at Babylon, isn’t it?” He ventured unsure if that was a good sign, or a bad one. With Brian, it could go either way. He was either celebrating, or drowning his sorrows.

 

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose. “Not you too, ok? I already got the lecture from Mikey.” He answered.

He knew this was NOT going to be a good conversation. He could hear the concern in Justin’s voice. Fuck! He told him he would call. This thing with Lindsey threw him big time. He lost track of time.

“Is Michael with you?” Justin asked, hoping he was. Obviously something went down at that meeting that upset Brian.

“Yeah, Mikey is here.” Brian said.

“Justin, listen to me, are you listening?” He asked.

Justin took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m listening.” He said, nervous about what Brian was going to tell him. Something was definitely wrong.

“I got my parental rights back. We all signed.” He said,

“Um, ok. We’re happy, right?” Justin said cautiously.

“Of course “we’re” happy!” Brian snapped, he drawled out the word “we’re” as if it left a bad taste in his mouth. He hated it when Justin treated him like a child.

Justin took offense.

“Fuck you Brian. What the fuck am I suppose to think? You’re acting very strange for a man who just got his parental rights to his son back! What the fuck happened?” Justin snapped back

Brian sighed. “Mel wanted to talk to me alone. She’s dumped some heavy shit on me today and I’ve been trying to process it.” Brian explained.

“Fucking Lindsey. You would think she’d at least hide it from her lover.” Justin said angrily.

Brian straightened up away from the railing and looked over at Michael.

“What are you talking about?” He asked hesitantly.

“Um, that Lindsey is in love with you.” Justin said bluntly.

“Mother fucker! How the fuck did YOU know, and I didn’t?” Brian asked stunned.

Michael laughed.

“Because you see what you want to see Bri. You love Lindsey, and you can’t accept the fact that she might not love you the same way. You’re very good at avoiding the obvious when it doesn’t fit into your mold of how you think things should be, instead of how they really are. You do it with everyone. Rena, me, Mikey..” Justin said

“Oh, so now I’m delusional, is that it?” Brian spat out sarcastically. Rena had accused him of being blind last night. Did he block out things he didn’t want to accept?

“No, just stubborn. You refuse to consider there are possibilities outside of what’s written in stone in the Kinney manual of how life operates.” Justin retorted.

“Yeah well the “Kinney manual” has gotten me this far.” Brian said.

Justin laughed. “Yes, it has. And it’s taken me three years to fucking interpret that convoluted text. And just when I think I’ve got a handle on it, you change it.”

Brian smiled. “Just keeping you on your toes Sunshine.” He said.

There was a pause on the other line.

“So what are you going to do? Mel must be freaked.” Justin said.

“Freaked, and blaming me. She say’s I haven’t done anything to burst Lindsey’s little fantasy bubble of us being married one day, raising Gus together.” Brian told him.

“She’s right you know. Not that you do it on purpose, you just turned a blind eye to it all these years.” Justin said.

“Well what the fuck am I to do now? I told Mel I’d handle it. It was a condition of her signing the papers by the way.” Brian snarled that bit of information out.

Justin hissed low. “Man she played dirty. You’re not going to throw her off Mount Kinney are you Bri?” Justin asked with sincere concern.

Brian huffed, “What else can I do?” He said.

“Well not that, it will kill her. She’s Gus’s mother Bri.” Justin said.

“You don’t have to remind me!” Brian snapped, frustrated with the whole situation.

“Calm down. Why don’t you jus talk to her, make her understand that it’s never going to happen.” Justin suggested.

“First, she’d deny having those feelings, and second, she’d just go on believing it. It’s not like I having been clear on being gay Sunshine. If that hasn’t killed her fantasy, a talk isn’t going to. No, I have to do something more substantial. She can’t just hear it, she has to experience it.” Brian said.

“You’re right. She knows your gay, and still holds out hope of being married to you. Trouble is, she has no fucking idea of what being married to you would be like. She’s a lot like you, you know. She see’s only what she wants to see when it comes to you.” Justin laughed.

“One day as Mrs. Brian Fucking Kinney, and she’d run back to muncherville as fast as her little feet can take her.” Justin jested.

Brian broke out in a grin so big, Michael got concerned.

“I know that look Brian. What are you up to?” Michael asked.

“What?” Justin said on the other end of the phone, hearing Michael’s question.

“Have I told you what a genius you are lately Sunshine?” Brian asked as he stepped back from Michael who was now approaching him with a stern look on his face.

“Brian, what are you thinking?” Justin asked, afraid he already knew the answer.

“I’m thinking I got myself a new problem Sunshine.” Brian said, his mirth not lost on Justin.

Justin didn’t like the tone of Brian’s voice.

“What’s that?” He asked warily.

Brian looked into Michael’s eyes as he answered Justin.

“Who am I going to ask to be my best man? You or Mikey?”

 

“FUCK”  
“FUCK”

Justin and Michael both voiced the same sentiment………


	56. New Beginnings

“Ultimately, my hope is to amaze myself. The anticipation of discovering new possibilities becomes my greatest joy”

~ Jerry Uelsmann

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! How the hell did this happen!?” Brian paced back and forth in front of the long white leather couch.

Rena and Shane sat there listening to Brian’s tirade, which had been going on now for a good fifteen minutes.

Shane’s head was bowed, not so much because she couldn’t face Brian, though he was doing a pretty good job of chastising her, but more so because she felt like vomiting again. If pregnancy was going to be like this for the next nine fucking month’s, she would slit her wrist she thought then quickly banished that thought having promised Adam no more cutting. Fucking Adam! This was all his fault.

Rena pulled her bottom lip in and gnawed on it nervously.

“Well you see when a man and woman like each other a lot….”

“Shut the fuck up Rena, I’m not in the mood.” Brian stopped his pacing long enough to admonish Rena.

“SHE knows better! For fuck sakes, she’s been tricking for most her life! She would NEVER risk fucking without a condom! The mere fact that she did something so stupid is, is…” Brian was so frustrated, and angry he couldn’t finish his sentence.

“You did this on purpose, didn’t you?” Brian turned his attention to Shane.

Shane’s head snapped up for the first time since Brian started his rant.

Nausea hit her hard and fast. She took a deep breath before responding.

 

“Fuck you Brian! I’m not some pathetic little twat who got pregnant to trap her man! It just fucking happened!” She got up from the couch, needing the comfort of the cool hard porcelain of the toilet to rest her forehead against so she could empty, for the second time today, the remaining contents of her stomach.

 

This fucking nausea was punishment enough, or at least should be, but in addition to her wretched state, she had to endure his highness’s wrath. The way he was carrying on, one would think HE was carrying the burden.

She was seriously regretting telling him about her pregnancy. It wasn’t like she had a choice though. It could either have come from her, or Rena. She thought it would be better if it came from her. Perhaps she thought wrong. The fact that he was right only added to her humiliation.

She DID know better. She never had sex without a condom, even when her mother tricked her out as a little girl. She learned all about condoms at a very young age. And she NEVER fucked without one.

Well, never until Adam that was. When she was with him she didn’t think, she just ‘felt’. “Feeling” was very new to her. She was someone she didn’t even recognize when she was around Adam.

That night was so intense, neither one of them thought about anything but claiming each other. They were wild, and reckless, and now Shane was paying the price for their unbridled passion.

Her current state was already causing problems in her family. She had disappointed them. And she had a sinking feeling Adam would feel the same way once he found out.

“I’m sorry Re, but I can’t do this. I’m getting an abortion.” Shane spat out recklessly.

Brian cursed.

Rena sucked her breath in. She couldn’t let Shane do that. She had no idea what a gift she was given. Rena couldn’t have children. She was permanently damaged from the brutal rape she endured at her father’s hands. Her womb was a mess. The doctors told her she would never be able to carry a child. And here Shane was, given a blessing like this, and she was going to throw it away? No, she couldn’t let her.

“No, Shane don’t say that. Don’t even THINK it!” Rena managed to croak out in a very emotional voice.

Brian snorted. “You should abort the father.” Brian said sarcastically.

Both women turned angry eyes on him.

Brian made a face and shrugged his shoulders. “What?” He said then sighed.

“Sit the fuck down Shane, you are not getting an abortion. Well, not until you and Adam discuss this. He is the father, he does have a say.” Brian said.

“No he doesn’t. He’s merely the sperm donor. I’m sure you can appreciate that, being one yourself.” Shane threw the insult at him with tears in her eyes. Her hands instinctively went to her stomach.

The gesture wasn’t lost on Brian.

“Stop being a stupid little twat! You’re not going to hide this from him. HE HAS RIGHTS!” Brian said passionately.

“He’s NOT YOU Brian! He’s older than you, divorced, with no children. I believe there is a reason he has no children, and I’m not about to burden him with this one. If I tell him, I know he’ll want to do the noble thing.” Shane sneered the word ‘noble’. God she needed to throw up.

“But I can’t let him do that. It’s not fair to him.” She ran from the room and headed towards the bathroom.

Rena frowned, worry etched deep into her brow.

“You’re not helping Bean. This is serious. She needs our support, not our condemnation!” She said.

Brian ran his hands over his face and took a deep breath.

“I don’t have time for this Re. Justin is coming home tonight and he’s not exactly happy with me at the moment. I’m going to need all my energy because trust me there is nothing worse than a pissed off Sunshine.” Brian said.

“Well what the fuck did you expect? Jesus Bean, you’re not seriously going to stage a fake marriage to Lindsey are you? That’s too cruel. Even for you.” Rena said.

Brian scowled at her. “Why is it every time I turn around I find you and Justin siding with each other? And it’s usually against me! Where’s your loyalty?” He asked a bit dramatically.

“Oh please, don’t pull that shit on me. NO one is more loyal to you then Justin and I. If we are on the same side, it’s YOUR side. You just are too stubborn to accept that we know you better than you know yourself sometimes.” Rena said.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. He could feel a full-blown headache coming on.

“Rena, I have to do something. If I don’t snap Lins out of this little fantasy soon, it’s going to affect not only our relationship with each other, but also our relationship with our son. And I won’t let that happen.” Brian said solemnly.

“ I agree. But staging this marriage, showing her what “real time” with you is like, might backfire. Not to mention, it’s a slap in Justin’s face. You’d never marry him, but you’d marry Lindsey?” She said.

Brian gave her an incredulous look. “What the fuck are you talking about?! How is it a slap in his face? It’s a FARCE! He knows how I feel about marriage. This is NOT about marriage; it’s about shattering Lindsey’s fantasy. Christ, why can’t either or you understand that.” Brian griped.

 

“Any way, it doesn’t matter. I promised him I wouldn’t do anything until we discussed this. WHICH I planned to do tonight, but now I have to be here dealing with, once again, ANOTHER family crisis!” Brian threw his hands in the air and walked over to the bar.

“Stop being the fucking drama queen. That’s Emmett’s job. Who, by the way, has been staying with us. Did you know that?” Rena asked.

Brian pulled a beer from the bar frig and turned to face Rena.

“No, I didn’t. Why? Wait, let me guess, Margot.” He said, curling his lip in disgust.

Rena laughed. “Yep. And, don’t you dare say a word to him. He’s been keeping her busy and out of my hair. In case you haven’t noticed, Margot is demanding, and exhausting.” Rena said.

“Then throw her, and him the fuck out.” Brian said, in typical Kinney no bullshit style.

“Can’t. Emmett keeps Margot entertained, Tom keeps Viv entertained, and that leaves me alone to deal with Shane’s current situation. No one but the three of us know. I don’t’ want Viv getting wind of this. You know how cruel she can be. I don’t want her making Shane feel any worse than she does.” Rena said.

Brian took a deep swig of his beer. “Well, we agree on that. No one should know. Except Adam of course.”

“And don’t tell James.” Rena tossed out casually.

Brian gave her a suspicious look. “Why, and how would I tell James? He hasn’t contacted you or Em. What makes you think he’ll contact me?” He asked. He wouldn’t’ lie to Rena, they didn’t lie to each other, but they often kept the truth from each other.

“I’m not stupid Bean. I know you two are up to something, and I know it has something to do with Justin’s attacker.” She said, waiting for her brother to deny it. When he remained silent, she knew she was right.

“It’s ok. You both promised you wouldn’t kill him. That’s enough for me. I don’t need to know anything else.” She said.

“Good, you’ve always been too fucking nosey for your own good anyway.” He retorted.

“Well be happy I’m so nosey. If I weren’t, Shane may have gone off and done something stupid with out even telling us.” She said.

Shane walked back into the room at that point. She plopped down on the couch next to Rena.

Rena rubbed her back. “Feeling better hon?” She asked?

Shane smiled weakly and nodded her head.

Brian walked over to them and sat on the couch in between them.

“Ok, lets start from the beginning. First, Shane, look at me.” He directed.

Shane wiped her eyes and turned to look at him. It was obvious she was crying.

“Do you want this baby?” He asked, his voice taking on a much softer tone.

Shane blinked. She never really thought about what she wanted. She just thought about how Adam was going to react, and if it was fair to burden him with a child, a child neither ever discussed ever having.

“Um, I don’t know. I mean, me a mother?” She let out a bitter laugh.

“I wouldn’t have a clue how to take care of a baby.” She said.

“That’s not what I asked. I asked if you wanted this baby.” Brian repeated the question.

Shane averted her eyes. God she was so fucked. Deep inside, she really, really wanted this baby. It was part of Adam and she loved him with a passion so strong it frightened her, and by extension, she loved this baby that was inside of her, HIS baby, just as passionately.

“Yes.” She said so softly both Rena and Brian weren’t sure if they heard her.

“Yes?” Brian made her repeat it.

She let out a deep breath and straightened her spine. She turned back to look Brian in the eyes.

“Yes. I want his baby.” She said.

“Well, it’s settled then. You’ll tell Adam you’re going to have his baby. If he doesn’t want any part of it, fine. You have family Shane. Rena, Justin and I will help you. Every step of the way.” Brian said with finality.

Shane’s eyes misted. “I know, thanks.” She said, her heart heavy.

Brian pulled her in for a quick hug than got up from the couch.

“Don’t underestimate him Shane. Talk to the man. You might be surprised at his reaction.” Brian said surprising himself that he was actually defending the man!

 

“Well, now that’s settled, I have another family issue I have to deal with.” He said.

Rena got up and walked him to the door.

She gave him a big hug. “And you, my dear brother, should talk to Justin about his feelings on marriage. He knows your feelings on the subject, do you know his? YOU might be surprised by what he has to say on the matter.” Rena said sagely.

Brian pulled his coat on and gave Rena a quick kiss on the cheek. “What surprises me is that we’re even going to have this conversation.” Brian sighed and turned to leave.

 

Rena watched her brother jump into his Vet and drive away. A twinge of guilt washed over her knowing what he was walking into. She had talked to Justin earlier in the day. Brian was right, an angry Sunshine was a force to be reckoned with. She did not envy her brother at the moment. He was about to face a full-blown “Taylor” queen out.

Ah, if only she could be a fly on the wall for that confrontation…

**********************************************************************

Brian entered the loft and nearly tripped over the dozens of bags that littered the entrance way.

Great he thought. Justin went on a shopping frenzy. He groaned as he surveyed the seemingly endless sea of bags scattered throughout the loft. By the looks of it, Justin was very, very pissed.

“Hello Sunshine, I’m home.” He called out a little too cheerily and slammed the loft door closed behind him.

Justin strolled out of the bedroom wearing a tight black wife beater, and a pair of light gray Prada sweats that Brian had never seen before. God he looked hot. Brian’s dick got instantly hard. The contrast of the black shirt against his fair skin was striking and intoxicating. And the way those sweats hugged his thighs….wait…

Prada sweats?! What the Fuck?! Justin would never pay $200 for a pair of sweats.

His blonde was over the top pissed.

Brian stepped over a pile of packages, and slipped out of his coat. He threw it onto the kitchen counter.

“Have fun shopping?” He said coolly.

“Actually, I did.” Justin walked over to Brian and handed him his credit card.

“I would have bought more, but it got declined at some little designer boutique I found just outside of the city. Apparently I went over your limit.” Justin smiled caustically.

Brian grimaced.

“Mmmm… I can see why.” Brian sighed and examined the damages. There were bags sporting Prada, Gucci and Dolce and Gabbana labels.

There went his trip to Ibiza this winter, he thought. And to think he was going to take the little fucker with him…

He pulled his bottom lip in and turned to face Justin.

“So how’s Nana?” He asked as he hoisted himself up on the kitchen stool and leaned his elbows back on the counter. Might as well get the pleasantries out of the way first.

“Nana is great. By the way, she thanks you for the pearl necklace you bought her.” Justin said.

“How thoughtful of me. Was it her birthday or something?” He asked.

“No, an early Christmas gift. You did ask me to do your Christmas shopping, didn’t you? I’m sure everyone is going to be very pleased with your extreme generosity this year.” Justin said, his tone getting more sarcastic with each sentence.

Brian’s eyes grew angry. “Stop the fucking theatrics. I get it, ok. You’re pissed. But I fucking told you I wouldn’t do anything until we talked about it. Now are we going to talk about it, or are you going to goad me all night? Better yet, let’s fuck first. You’ve been gone three fucking days. I’m horny.” Brian got up from the stool and grabbed Justin’s arm.

He headed towards the bedroom, dragging a startled Justin behind him.

“What the…” Justin sputtered. He pulled his arm from Brian’s grip.

“If you think I’m going to fuck you now, you’re out of your fucking mind!” Justin yelled.

Brian turned on him. “I haven’t gotten laid in THREE FUCKING DAYS!” He screamed back.

Justin’s head snapped back in shock. “What? How can that be?” He asked, truly confused.

Brian snorted and averted his eyes.

Justin saw a flush creep up Brian’s neck, and then it hit him….

“No fucking way.” He said, unable to keep the smile from his voice, or his face.

“Are you telling me you haven’t tricked in three days?” Justin asked, a little too giddy for Brian’s liking.

Truth was, Brian hadn’t trick in weeks. Though he was not about to admit that to Justin. The boys’ head was too swelled as it was. And not in a good life affirming way.

He’d be impossible to live with if he knew Brian just didn’t want to trick these days. He found he didn’t crave the distraction or attraction like he once did. It just didn’t hold the same appeal.

His recent lack of interest in his favorite pastime was unsettling, to say the least. Part of him accepted it, after all, no trick came close to giving him the fucking mind blowing orgasms his blonde gave him each and every time they fucked. Yet on the other hand, he WAS the stud of Liberty Avenue. He hated to think he lost his edge. His ego, not to mention his vanity, was NOT having it.

“Don’t get that pretty little of head of yours wrapped around some crazy notion that I didn’t trick because of you.” Brian sneered at him.

Justin pressed his lips together tightly to prevent himself from smiling. Since their talk about their relationship, especially about their wants and needs, Brian was very discrete about his tricking. Justin assumed however, that he was still tricking on occasion, though he knew it was not nearly as much as he used to. But for Brian not to trick for three fucking days while Justin was away was nothing short of a miracle.

When Brian told him he was changing things, he never in his wildest imaginations thought tricking would be one of those things. He had to be careful though not to make an issue of it. One step forward, two steps back. Justin was not about to take any steps back at this point.

“I would never assume such a ridiculous notion.” He said in a barely controlled voice.

Brian gave him a sharp look. He heard the humor in Justin’s voice. “I’ve been busy, that’s all. This whole fucking mess with Lindsey’s been fucking with my head.” He said in defense of his non-promiscuity.

Justin sobered up at the mention of Lindsey.

“Speaking of Lindsey. No.” He said and folded his arms across his chest.

Brian raised his eyebrow at him. “No?” He challenged in a menacing tone. Brian DID not take kindly to anyone, including his life partner, telling him no.

Justin heard Brian’s tone loud and clear, but he was not backing down on this one.

“No you can’t. Period. It’s fucked that you would even think of such a thing. Some people hold marriage as a sacred union regardless of how YOU feel about it. You can’t piss on people’s beliefs like that. Especially Lindsey’s. It’s insulting, and disrespectful.” Justin said firmly.

Brian stared at his lover. He spoke passionately in Lindsey’s defense, but he suspected it came from his own beliefs on the subject.

Here was his opening.

“And what are your views on marriage?” He asked in a dangerously calm voice.

Justin narrowed his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is that Lindsey believes marriage is the ultimate consummation of love between two people.” Justin replied.

Brian held Justin’s stare. “I want to know what you believe.“ Brian requested more firmly.

 

Justin tilted his head. Brian was asking him his beliefs on marriage? What was wrong with this picture? Brian and marriage did NOT mix. There were few certainties in this life, death, taxes and Brian Kinney’s eternal state of bachelorhood.

Justin was very wary of Brian’s sudden interest in his feelings on the subject. They never discussed Justin’s thoughts on marriage because it was clear that as long as he was with Brian, there would be no such union. So Justin put it out of his head.

Having accepted that, Justin never really took the time to examine his own feelings on the sacred institution. Now that Brian had opened the door to discussing it, he wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to voice his views. He deliberated his words carefully before he answered Brian.

“I believe that marriage is a celebration of love between two people.” He said, trying to keep it simple.

“And you need a marriage license to celebrate love?” Brian challenged.

Justin brought his hand up to his chin. “Well, no, it’s not so much the license, it’s the “act”. The ceremony and what it represents.” He said.

“And what does it represent?” Brian pressed.

Justin studied Brian, trying to figure out what he was getting at.

“To me, it represents shared love, trust, commitment, monogamy…” Justin threw in that last part without thinking.

Fuck! One day he swore he’d learn to control that impulsive nature of his! He didn’t need to say that, not on the heels of Brian admitting he hadn’t tricked in three days. The last thing he wanted was for Brian to go out tricking just to make some fucking point. Great Taylor, you just took a step back yourself. Can’t even blame Brian Fucking Kinney for this one.

Brian brought his hand up to his chin and contemplated what Justin said.

Justin wrapped his arms around his waist and shifted from one foot to the other in nervous anticipation of Brian’s response.

“Does marriage guarantee monogamy?” Brian asked.

Justin didn’t expect the question. He snorted. “Obviously not, if our fathers are any indication.” He said bitterly.

Brian let out a bitter laugh. “They don’t count. There was no love in those men.” He said.

“Are we monogamous?” Brian asked the ridiculous question.

Justin was about to say, he was, but then remembered he DID like to trick with Brian on occasion, so he couldn’t say he was.

“No, we’re not.” He said dejectedly and lowered his eyes.

“Is there love and trust between us?” Brian asked.

Justin raised his eyes to meet Brian’s. “Of course there is.” He answered sincerely.

“Then would you agree that there is no correlation between love and monogamy?” Brian challenged.

Justin sighed defeated. “Yes, I agree. One has nothing to do with the other. Are you happy now?” He said.

Brian frowned at his tone.

 

Brian sighed. “Justin, listen to me.” He approached him and lifted his chin so his eyes met his own.

“Are you listening?” He asked gently. Justin nodded his head.

“We have something no marriage license, or ceremony can give us. We have the certainty that we belong to each other. And if we truly have that certainty, as I believe we do, then why do we need a ceremony to validate it? We made our commitment to each other. To involve anyone else in something so intimate, so personal is the true sacrilege.” Brian said.

Justin looked into Brian’s eyes and almost felt ashamed. Put like that, wanting marriage was in a way stating that you needed more than your lovers vow of love and loyalty. Brian made that commitment to him, how could he ask him to prove it with a piece of paper and staged ceremony for the benefit of others? It was insulting to his lover, his soul mate.

“I agree.” He said smiling sadly.

“If you agree, then why the sad voice?” Brian asked.

Justin shrugged. “I don’t know. I grew up gay, in a very straight world. Country clubs, debutants, private schools, all that came with a shit load of traditions. Traditions I adopted. They were comfortable, and familiar. Then I came out, and everything changed. I try to hold on to most of the traditions I grew up with, because I love them. Celebrating special occasions and holidays. Having a home and family. I really want those things Brian. I guess I just don’t understand why I have to sacrifice the things I love, just because I’m gay.” Justin said earnestly, afraid that Brian would recoil from him, feeling too pressured knowing what Justin wanted, yet not wanting to hide his feelings. Not on something this important.

 

Brian pulled him into his arms and hugged him. “Jesus Sunshine, you should have told me. You don’t have to give up a fucking thing you love just because you’re gay.” Brian said passionately.

Justin snuggled closer to Brian trying to lose himself in his embrace. He hugged him tightly, and fiercely, not wanting to let him go.

“It doesn’t matter. We have each other. You are right. That is all that matters.” Justin said.

Brian kissed the top of his blonde’s soft hair. “You know what matters?” Brian asked quietly.

Justin didn’t answer, he just held on tighter.

“You. You can do anything you fucking want to Justin. You’re determined, and passionate about your family, and your art. You’re wild and unpredictable and you keep me fucking off balance most of the time. I love that you don’t let me get away with any bullshit, you constantly challenge me, and inspire me to be better. Whether you see it or not, you still have your traditions. You’ve incorporated them into our lives. You’ve turned our loft into a home. You got my refrigerator filled with actual food. You cook the best fucking meals, which you also help me work off in the bedroom.” Justin laughed into Brian’s chest.

“And, you make a point of dragging me to every fucking family occasion there is. And God help me I can’t believe I’m going to admit this, but I actually like being at them now. Because of you. Of course I kick and scream in protest every time, got to put up appearances you know.” He pulled back and looked down into Justin’s face.

Justin smiled. “Yeah, well, we cant’ have anyone thinking that Brian Fucking Kinney actually likes family gatherings!” He said tongue in cheek.

“No one would believe you anyway.” Brian half joked.

“You’ve not only made a home for me, but for Gus as well.” Brian said.

“He’s going to be spending a lot of time here now.” Brian said, taking a look around the loft.

“We’re going to have to make some changes. Gus is going to need his own room.” Brian observed.

“I’ll call a contractor tomorrow. There is plenty of space we can utilize. We just need to redesign it. Actually, I’ve got some ideas. I’ll draw up some plans this week.” Justin said, his mind already sketching out a new floor plan for the loft.

“Um, don’t you think we should hire an architect?” Brian asked.

Justin huffed. “I’m not going to trust our home to some fancy architect you would hire that would turn this place into some cold imitation of a home. I’ll work with the contractor myself.” Justin said.

“You’re probably right. I was just envisioning a hot tub.” Brian said.

Justin laughed. “Not exactly what Gus needs. I was thinking more in the line of dinosaur wallpaper and child proofed cabinets.” Justin said.

“Hmmm… I see your point.” Brian relented.

“I’ll leave the renovations to you then. As long as you leave our bedroom alone.”

Justin agreed.

“So can we fuck now?” He said, and pulled Justin in to nip at his ear.

Justin giggled. “No, wait, there’s one more thing.” He said and pulled away from Brian. He reached for Brian’s hands and took them into his owns.

“I want a baby.” He said holding Brian’s stare.

Yep, one day he’d learn to curb his impulsive nature, but apparently, that day wasn’t today.

In for a penny in for a dime Justin thought. They talked about marriage, commitments and house renovations to accommodate a room for Gus. While he was at it, he thought he could fit a nursery into the design as well.

Brian blinked several times at Justin.

What the fuck? Was there an overload of estrogen in the air lately? First Shane, now Justin wanted a baby?

“I hate to tell you this Sunshine, but that’s anatomically impossible.” Brian said.

“I’m serious Brian.” Justin said.

This was his chance. He’d been thinking about this for some time. He loved Gus as his own, and he wanted Gus to have a sibling. One that belong to both him and Brian.

“Just hear me out, please.” Justin asked a bit desperately.

Brian nodded his head slightly complying with Justin’s request, yet wary of what thoughts were running wild in that pretty blonde head of his.

“I’ve thought about this a lot. I even researched it. How would you feel about finding a surrogate mother to carry a child for us? There’s this agency that matches up donors with carriers. The mothers are mostly women of very poor means, with many children. They agree to carry the donor’s child in exchange for money. They don’t want any more children; they just want to be able to afford the ones they have. The great part about it is that the child would belong to both of us.” Justin paused to let this sink in. Brian just continued to stare at him with that blank look on his face Justin had come to know, and fear.

He took a deep breath and continued. “Instead of you or me being the sperm donor, we BOTH become the donors. We combine our sperm and impregnate the mother with it. We need never know who the biological father is. The child would be a creation of both of us. I have the name of the agency, you can check it out if you like. ” Justin blurted out excitedly.

What was the worse that could happen? Brian would say he was nuts and shoot the idea down. But at least Justin would never look back one day and say, ‘I should have’ or ‘what if’. He’d know, now today.

You could have blown Brian over with a feather right then and there.

He didn’t move, didn’t speak, Justin wasn’t sure he was breathing. He started to get concerned.

“Bri?” He called softly. He continued to hold Brian’s hands in his own.

Brian stared at him like a deer caught in the headlights. He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

A baby? His and Justin’s baby?

It was something that he NEVER thought possible for him. Like Justin, he accepted the fact that being gay meant being denied certain things. Like creating a child with the one you loved. Yet here Justin was, suggesting that it WAS possible.

When Lindsey had asked him to be the donor for Gus he didn’t’ even have to think twice. He figured it would be his only chance to have a child, even if it meant he wouldn’t be in love with the mother. Mikey tried to talk him out of it, as did others, but Brian wasn’t about to let that opportunity go. And today, he was glad he didn’t.

In the beginning, he told himself it was best if he stayed out of Gus’s life, and let Lins and Mel raise him, as long as he could be in his life. That was the deal, and Lindsey agreed. Then that whole mess with Mel’s affair broke them up and Brian was terrified that Gus would be denied growing up in a loving home.

THAT was unacceptable to Brian. He had grown up in both a loving home, and a loveless home. He would die before he’d let his son grow up in a loveless home. So he signed his rights over to Mel, in exchange for them getting back together.

But then, things changed and Brian wanted his rights back.

He found his soul mate, his life partner. He never believed it would happen for him. Andy certainly didn’t tell him, even though Andy had visions of Justin. He couldn’t blame him though. Brian was so bitter back then, he wouldn’t have believed him anyway. But it had happened, and Justin did come into his life. And now it was more important than ever that he have his son back in his life, and be a full time dad to him in a house filled with love.

Because of Justin, he could now offer that to Gus.

He was at a point in his life where he didn’t believe he could be happier. But he was wrong. Here was Justin, telling him they could have a baby, together. A baby, born out of love between both parents. The enormity of what Justin was describing, was too much for him to take in.

Brian sat down on the floor pulling Justin down with him, heedless of the fact that Justin was still holding on to his hands.

“Brian!” Justin followed Brian to the floor.

“Jesus Justin. I never thought……..” Brian said. He looked into Justin’s eyes.

For the second time in his life, he didn’t have to think twice.

“Yeah.” He said resolutely.

“Yeah?” Justin asked, afraid he was dreaming.

“Oh yeah!” Brian said definitively.

Justin squealed and threw himself into Brian’s arms, toppling both of them over.

Brian grunted as he landed on his back with a very excited blonde on top of him.

Justin kissed his face all over.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…” he kept chanting in-between kisses.

“Oh my God Brian, this is going to be so fucking great! Just think! A little brother or sister for Gus!” Justin said.

Brian smiled at Justin’s excitement. It was infectious.

“I can’t wait to tell Rena! She’s going to be so thrilled!” Justin practically screamed.

“Yeah, well, she’s going to have double joy now. Shane is pregnant.” Brian said.

Justin stopped his amorous attack on Brian and placed his hands on either side of his head. He pushed himself up and looked down into Brian’s eyes.

“Shane’s pregnant?” He asked, his tone suddenly very serious.

“Yeah. And she’s having the baby.” Brian replied.

“Oh my God! This is an Omen. I know it. It’s meant to be Brian. First, you get your rights to Gus back, then Shane gets pregnant, and now we’re going to have a baby! Our family is growing.” A big smile spread across Justin’s face.

Brian sucked his breath in. God he wondered if there would ever come a day when one of Justin’s mega watt smiles wouldn’t take his breath away.

“Well let’s just hope it doesn’t grow as big as your shopping list.” Brian teased.

Justin blushed. “I really didn’t spend that much. I made it look like a lot more than it really is. Most of those bags have only one item in it. But I did buy myself some new cloths. Aren’t these pants hot?” He asked suggestively and pressed his thighs against Brian’s.

Brian growled. “Not as hot as you’re going to look once I tear them from you.” He said and started pulling them off of Justin.

Justin laughed and leaned forward to kiss Brian.

Brian captured his mouth and ravaged it. He sucked his bottom lip in and gently scraped his teeth against the full fleshy skin.

Justin moaned deep into his mouth. His earlier excitement over the prospect of having a child with Brian now turned into an excitement of a much different nature.

This excitement was less emotional and more animalistic. Hot, burning need coursed through Justin’s body. He drove his tongue into Brian’s mouth needing to claim him, to taste him, to devour him.

Brian instantly felt the change in Justin and responded in kind.

He put his hands on Justin’s hips and lifted him up so that he could slide his pants off, then he unzipped his own pants and pushed them down.

They ripped at the rest of each other’s clothes. The black wife beater was now remnants to be discarded or left for rags for the cleaning lady.

Brian made haste in discarding their clothes, desperate to feel all of Justin against him. Once naked, he flipped Justin onto his back and attacked his neck with his hot mouth. He sucked and nipped his way down to his hard, erect nipples.

Justin moaned wildly and arched his back to give Brian better access. He tangled his fingers in Brian’s hair communicating his need. Brian smiled to himself. He loved when his boy got like this.

He answered his demand by moving his decadent mouth lower, lingering at Justin’s belly button. Dipping his tongue in and out imitating a much baser ritual.

Justin thought he was going to lose his mind with Brian’s teasing.

“God, Brian… please….” The words came out of Justin’s mouth mindlessly.

But Justin didn’t need to speak. Brian listened to his body. He knew what his boy needed before he did.

He ran his tongue along Justin’s hipbone, to the juncture between his thigh and groin. He lingered there as well, lavishing his lovers’ soft skin.

Justin arched his hips searching for Brian’s mouth.

Brian rewarded Justin by engulfing his hard cock with his hot, wet mouth.

He deep throated him, and then pulled his lips up, tightly to the tip where he licked the precum from Justin’s head. He repeated this action several times. Bringing Justin to a peak, then backing off.

Justin was wild with need; his frustration was wracking havoc with his senses.

“Fuck Brian, I can’t…..” he cried out.

Brian released Justin’s cock from the onslaught of his mouth, Justin moaned in protest.

“You can’t what Sunshine?” He asked deviously.

Justin cursed.

Brian crawled up his body.

“Now, now, you didn’t think I was going to let you cum that easily, did you?” He asked wickedly.

Justin groaned and threw his forearm over his eyes, trying to escape the deep ache he was feeling.

“You’re a cruel sadistic bastard.” He said miserably.

Brian laughed and reached over to his discarded pants and pulled out a condom and some lube.

He then prepared them and positioned Justin beneath him so that his cock was pushing against his entrance.

Justin instinctively lifted his hips up, frantically seeking release.

Brian leaned over and pulled Justin’s ear lobe into his mouth.

“Tell me.” He whispered the demand then embedded himself deeply into Justin with one swift forward movement.

Justin’s body shook with uncontrolled emotion and physical response at Brian’s entry.

“I love you.” He cried out.

Brian made an inaudible sound and brought his mouth down to capture Justin’s in a soul-rendering kiss.

Justin returned the kiss just as fiercely, then, without warning, climaxed so violently that Brian had to hold on to him tightly so as not to be thrown off.

He rode his lover to their ultimate destination. Their bodies melding to the point where Brian couldn’t distinguish whether it was his or Justin’s pleasure coursing through his body. Justin’s orgasm consumed him to the point where it became his own. The force of it was so powerful; his own release took control of him.

Three years and still, Justin was able to bring him to new heights of passions.

He screamed his pleasure into Justin’s mouth.

 

Justin’s soul shattered at the feel of Brian’s release deep inside of him, only to be pieced back together with bits of his lovers’. For a brief moment, they were truly one.

Just when he thought he could not get any closer to Brian, some how, they managed to connect even more.

Perhaps it was the decision they made to have a baby together that brought them closer.

Or maybe it was just the natural order of their union. The longer they were together, the more connected they became.

Or possibly it was just that NO ONE could fuck like Brian Kinney. Justin smiled at his own wayward thoughts. The very thing that annoyed Justin about Brian, his sexual prowlness, and excessive sexual appetite, was the very thing that fulfilled Justin’s own deep sexual needs and appetite.

God he loved him.

Brian tried to catch his breath as he held on to Justin after experiencing, what Brian would call, a religious experience. It was the closet he ever felt to Justin, and he didn’t think it was possible to feel any closer.

He ran his hands over Justin’s body, still embedded in him, wanting, no needing the constant contact. He sighed deeply. Justin’s passion not only rivaled his own, it exceeded it at times.

Not for the first time Brian thought, the boy was simply going to kill him.

Ah…. But what a way to go…….

 

They lay quietly for a long time. Justin must have dozed because the next thing he remembered was Brian sitting up looking down at him with eyes filled with love.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“We’re having a baby.” Brian said, a smile splitting his handsome features.

Justin rivaled his smile with one of his own.

“We’re having a baby.” He repeated, and then grew serious for a moment.

“What?” Brian asked

“Lindsey……….”


	57. The Plan

“ Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now.”

 

~Alan Lakein

 

THURSDAY

 

9:30 a.m.

 

“So you’ll have everything ready in time?” Brian asked.

Adam shuffled through the documents in front of him, making sure everything was in order, and that Brian’s signature was on all the necessary papers.

“Well, I’ll have to call in a lot of favors to get this passed through in time, but yeah. I’ll have it ready in time.” Adam answered.

“Good.” Brian said and got up from his seat. He reached over to shake Adam’s hand.

“Thank you.” He said curtly.

Adam nodded his head.

“Not a problem. I do have one question though.” He ventured.

Brian raised his eyebrow.

“Why me? Why didn’t you have Robert do this for you?” Adam asked.

“Expediency. Robert is the best, but he doesn’t have your connections. I have till Saturday to make everything legal. You’re the man who can get through all the bullshit red tape and bureaucracy and make that happen. Robert is a procedural man. He believes in our justice system, and following the law to the letter. The only thing you believe in is winning. You’re a great lawyer, but you have a total disregard for the law. In essence, you’re the perfect man for this job. I’m sure you’ll side step all the proper procedures to get done what I need in time.” Brian said bluntly.

Adam smiled. Somehow Brian knew Adam wouldn’t take his answer as an insult, instead, he took them as a compliment.

“Besides, you owe me.” Brian added.

It was Adams turn to raise his eyebrow in question.

“Oh? How do you figure?” He asked.

“Shane. You’re lucky I backed off. You have no idea what Hell I could have brought down on you.” Brian said in all sincerity.

Adam knew it was not a boast, or idle threat. Brian Kinney wasn’t without his own connections. He was a force to be reckoned with, when crossed.

“Fair enough.” Adam countered. “But I don’t know if I should be thanking you or cursing you. For some reason, she’s not talking to me. It’s been two weeks, and she won’t return my calls. You wouldn’t happen to know why, would you?” Adam asked, uncomfortable with being in a position where he had to ask Brian anything.

Brian furrowed his brow. He’d have to talk to Shane. She’d put off telling Adam about the pregnancy long enough now.

“Yes, actually I do. But it’s not my place to tell you. However, I will talk to her about it.” Brian said.

Adam smiled. “Thanks.” He cleared his throat and looked back down at the paperwork in front of him.

“I’ll get right on this. I’ll have everything ready in time.” He said in a very business like tone.

Brian nodded and left.

 

11:30 a.m.

 

“Hey Bri, what’s up?” Daphne asked as she slipped out of her coat and sat down opposite the small table in the Starbucks Brian had asked to meet her in.

“Thanks for coming Daph. Justin doesn’t know you’re here, right?” He asked.

“Um, no, but I’m not comfortable hiding things from him.” She answered.

“I know, but I’m sure you won’t mind once I tell you why I asked you here.” Brian said smiling, a roguish glint in his eye.

Daphne smiled back. God he was fucking gorgeous when he turned on the charm. And they said Justin had the million-watt smile? From where she was sitting, Brian Kinney had one hell of a sexy smile himself.

“Ok, handsome and dangerous, why don’t you tell me what devious plans you have drummed up this time?” Daphne said teasing, reminding Brian of the last time he had asked her to help him scheme to get Justin to move back in with him. Man did that turn out to be a fiasco! It so fucking backfired! But in the end, it worked out just fine so she was willing to listen to whatever scheme he had in mind this time.

Brian laughed. “You know Daph, I feel sorry for the guy who finally wins your heart. You’re adorable, but wicked.” Brian teased.

“Uh huh. Stop with the compliments, you’re killing me. So what gives?” She said taking a sip of her hot chocolate.

Brian leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. “I’m planning a surprise birthday party this Saturday for Justin.”

Daphne spit her coco out.

“Fuck!” Brian cursed and leaned back and away from the offending dark liquid. He looked down at his suit and groaned.

“Great aim Daph.” He said sarcastically. He took his napkin and started dabbing at the stain on his suit.

“Are you fucking serious? First, that’s the day after tomorrow! Second and what’s more freakish is Brian Kinney does NOT do birthday celebrations! What are you trying to do? Give Justin a fucking heart attack?” Daphne said.

Brian made a face. “No, I’m serious.” He said then threw the napkin angrily down on the table.

“Useless. I hope my cleaner can get it out.” He complained.

“Hello, can we get back to the conversation at hand and worry about your precious Versace jacket later? Which by the way is sooo last season.” She threw in.

Brian looked at her as if she just spit on him.

“You’re vicious too. I hope your future husband beats you.” He said.

Daphne laughed.

“I am very serious about the party. His birthday IS this Saturday, and besides, we’re going to make an announcement to the family. What better way to get them all in the same place at the same time?” Brian said.

Daphne’s ear perked up.

“Oh? What announcement?” She asked eagerly.

“You my dear, will just have to wait until Saturday. And DON’T go asking Justin, it will ruin the surprise.” Brian threatened.

“Ok, I won’t. So what to you want me to do?” She asked.

“First, you need to dress formal.” Brian said.

Daphne looked at him confused. “You throwing a black tie party for his birthday?” She asked.

“Yeah, something like that.” Brian said, not wanting to give too much away.

“Cool. Anything else.” She asked.

“Yeah, I want to keep him busy that day. I have something planned for him during the day, but I’ll need a distraction for him that night. I’ll have last minute arrangements to tend to and you know how astute he can be. I don’t want him suspecting a thing.” Brian said.

“No problem. Actually, this might work. There’s an art exhibition at PIFA this weekend featuring Rick Van Hussen’s work. He’s a recent graduate student who landed his own show in San Francisco. He’s red hot in California, does a lot of metal art. I’m sure Justin will be thrilled to go with me. I’ll tell him it’s my birthday present to him. Last we talked; he said he had no plans for his birthday.” She said enthusiastically.

Brian cringed inwardly at Daphne’s words. Why should Justin have any plans? Brian never made a big deal out of his birthday. Not even when he turned 18. And when he did break down the following year and get him a present it turned out disastrous. He shrugged the guilt away. Forward Kinney, he reminded himself. Can’t change the past.

“What time is the show?” Brian asked.

“Starts at 7:00pm. And it’s a formal affair I hear.”

“That works. Take him to the show, but make sure you get him to the Empire Hotel by 9:00.” Brian answered.

“The place we had the prom? Jesus Brian, do you think that’s a good idea?” She asked.

“I hope so.” Brian said wistfully.

It was the place where Justin got bashed, but it was also the place where he told Justin he loved him for the first time. He agonized over choosing a place for the party and finally decided on the Aladdin room at the Empire. Justin got bashed in the garage, not in the hall. It was on the dance floor of the Aladdin that Brian confessed his love for Justin for the first time, and Justin remembered. He believed it was the perfect place for a celebration, and he believed Justin would as well. At least he hoped he would.

Daphne saw the pensive look on Brian’s face.

“You know, since Justin got his memory back, he can’t stop talking about your dance that night and how fucking great you looked. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the gesture. Especially if you wear that hot suit you wore.” Daphne said trying to ease Brian’s concerns.

Brian shrugged. “Anyway, I’ll call you around 8:30. Pretend it’s a friend who needs help or some shit. Make up some straight drama. Tell Justin you need to pick her up from the Hotel. Ask him to go with you.” Brian said.

Daphne laughed. “You are a master of deception Brian. I’m impressed.” She said chirpily.

Brian winked at her. “So, you’ll do it?” He asked, knowing Daphne would.

“Yeah, of course I will. This is going to be so cool. Justin’s going to freak.” She answered.

“Good. Now you can go. We’re done.” He said dismissively.

“Did I mention you were also an asshole?” Daphne said bristling at his abrupt dismissal. She stood up and grabbed her coat, visibly irritated with Brian.

“Wait.” Brian said.

She looked back at him with a bored exasperated look.

“Anything else I can do for his highness?” She said saucily.

Brian held her stare for a moment as if deciding his next move.

He sighed and reached into his jacket and pulled out a long narrow box. He placed it on the table.

Daphne looked down at it.

“What’s that?” She asked.

Brian jerked both eyebrows up at her and motioned for her to take a look inside.

She made an irritated noise and picked the box up and opened it.

A confused frown furrowed her brow.

“Isn’t this yours?”

Brian held his hand out for her to give him the box back.

Her eyes fixated on his outstretched arm.

Brian took the box out of her hands and put it in back in his jacket.

Understanding dawned on Daphne.

She plopped back down on the chair.

“You’re going to be late for class. Go.” Brian said.

Daphne shook her head as if to clear her thoughts.

“Um, yeah, right. Class.” She got up to leave. She slipped into her coat and stared down at Brian.

“Happy Birthday Brian.” She said, her eyes misting then leaned over and kissed his cheek.

Brian smiled softly.

“Thanks.” He said.

Daphne left the coffee shop.

Brian watched her leave. Justin had great taste in friends. Daphne was one very clever girl. Happy Birthday. He laughed to himself. Yeah, he guessed it was his birthday. New beginnings always are.

 

1:30 p.m.

 

“Ted get your ass in here.” Brian yelled into the intercom.

Thirty seconds went by before Ted emerged.

“What’s up boss?’ He asked

“Invitations out?”

“All hand delivered.”

“The gang meeting up tonight at the diner?”

“Everyone except Justin of course and Jennifer.” Ted answered. Brian had arranged for Jennifer to take Justin shopping tonight for Brian’s Christmas gift. She told her son she didn’t know what to get Brian and needed his help in choosing just the right gift.

“Good. Get John on the phone for me.” Brian said abruptly.

Ted turned and left the office. This was the weirdest surprise birthday party Ted had ever been involved in. But it was to be expected. Brian Kinney never did anything ‘normal’. He hated conventionality, and this party was already gearing up to be very unconventional.

For one thing, Brian had been acting strange all week. Last Tuesday he took off for the whole day. Ted knew he went out of state, the company driver told him he took him to the airport. He never came back to work that whole day.

And it wasn’t just his mysterious trip that was strange. He was being very ambiguous about this sudden surprise birthday party he was planning for Justin.  
He only told the gang today about the party and it was just two days away! And all anyone knew was where and when, and of course, that they would suffer dire consequences if any of them let it slip to Justin.

Lindsey couldn’t wait to call Mikey the minute she got her invitation and complain that Brian was probably going have a slew of naked men there, and lots of drugs and booze. She ‘tsk, tsk’d’ over how poor Justin was going to be humiliated. Still, Justin should know, according to Lindsey, that Brian was Brian, and it should be expected.

Mikey of course defended Brian telling Lindsey she was wrong. That Brian was really trying, and he wouldn’t embarrass Justin like that. Not after the debacle of a birthday surprise he pulled on him last year. He called Ted to tell him what Lindsey had said, but Ted got the impression Mikey was really asking if she was right. Ted honestly didn’t know.

He hoped she wasn’t. From Ted’s place in Brian’s life, he would agree with Michael. Brian was a changed man since his sister came home and he and Justin got back together. He even cut the drinking during business hours.

“Ted. Where the fuck is John? Stop jerking off on that porn site and get him on the phone now!”

Ted jumped at the sound of Brian’s voice over his intercom.

“Dialing as we speak boss.” He said.

Yeah, Brian Kinney had changed a lot…. and not fucking at all, Ted thought irritated as he put Brian’s call through to John.

 

“John, where the fuck have you been? We haven’t played racquetball in weeks! Don’t tell me my sister’s got your balls locked up?!” Brian smiled at his own double entendre.

“Or are you just avoiding another humiliating defeat on the court?” Brian teased his friend.

John laughed. “No you were right the first time. Your sister got my balls and not in a good life affirming way, to use one of your favorite sayings.” John said.

“What’s up?” Brian said, his tone now serious.

“Fuck if I know. Therapy is going well I think. She won’t talk to me about it, and I keep asking. I hate that she’s not sharing Bri.” John said frustrated.

Brian sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Me too. But John, she’ll tell us when she’s ready, we can’t push her.” John said.

“I know, you’re right. Anyway, I just got your invitation. What the fuck are you up to Kinney?” John asked, knowing his friend all too well.

 

“Why is everyone so suspicious?! Ok, so I don’t do birthdays, there’s nothing really to fucking celebrated about getting older if you ask me.” Brian made a snorting sound.

John laughed.

“However, I fucked up on his birthday gift last year, so I’m just trying to make it up to him, that’s all. Besides, he loves that shit. I guess I could do something nice for him, considering he’s been giving me the best fucking blow jobs I’ve ever had for the past three years.” Brian told John. It wasn’t exactly a lie. Justin did give the best blow jobs….

John laughed harder. “You’re a hard man Brian Kinney; no pun intended, ok, maybe a small pun. If you ask me Justin deserves a fucking metal, not a party!” He said.

“No one’s asking you.” Brian quipped smiling.

“So you can come? I know its short notice, but the guest list is very small. JUST intimate family, and VERY close friends. You should be honored.” Brian said. Modesty was not one of Brian’s virtues.

“Yes I’ll come, and YES I’m honored. God you’re such a fucking egomaniac. I’m just going to have to kick your ass on the court. Next week?” John asked.

Brian reached over to his calendar on his desk and flipped through it.

“Wednesday, noon. I’ll reserve the court.” He said.

“Just be prepared to get your ass reamed. And NOT in a good life affirming way.” John jibbed.

Brian laughed. “I’ll let you slide on that one. I’ll see you on Saturday.” Brian said his goodbyes and hung up.

 

7:29 p.m.

 

Brian walked into the diner, late as usual, to face a very annoyed group of people.

“Ah, well we can now all rejoice! His majesty as blessed us with an appearance!” Deb spat out.

“You said 7:00 Brian, we have Gus with a sitter.” Lindsey chastised mildly.

Brian took his coat off and placed his briefcase on the table.

“Can we save the lynching for another time? I hit traffic.” He said.

“Ok, we’re all here now, what’s up?” Mikey said.

“You all got your invitations?” Brian asked.

The whole gang was there. Mikey, Ben, Emmett, Ted, Linds, Mel, Deb, Carl, Vic, Rena, and Shane. The only one missing was James.

Everyone nodded.

“I know its short notice, it couldn’t be helped. Having said that, I’m going to need your assistance.” Brian said.

“But of course you do! I am after all THE party planner in the family. All we need is a theme.” Emmett said cheerfully.

“Em sweetie, the party is the day after tomorrow, that’s real short notice.” Debbie said.

“We pulled Lindsey’s and Melody’s wedding off in 24 hours, we can do the same for Justin’s birthday.” Emmett boasted.

“I’m glad you feel that way Em. You’re in charge of flowers. No one knows that shit better than you. You know what Justin likes. I want the hall filled with his favorite flowers. I don’t want fucking roses! Wait,… That’s not his favorite flower is it?” Brian asked the question suddenly realizing he had no idea what Justin’s favorite flower was.

Emmett huffed. “Why am I not surprised?” He said waving his hand dismissively.

“Justin likes daffodils and sunflowers.”

“Sunflowers?” Brian laughed. “Well that fits. Fine. Just fill the place. I want arrangements that are both formal, and informal. Make it work Em, I’m counting on you. Have Ted help you.” Brian said.

“Consider it done.” Emmett said smugly. Ted nodded in agreement.

“Not for nothing Bri, but this is so out of character for you. What are you planning?” Michael asked warily.

Brian sighed. “A good old fashioned orgy complete with booze, bump, blow and fucking midgets, happy?” Brian said sarcastically.

Michael had the good grace to blush. “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything. It’s just that…Never mind.” Michael blushed.

Brian sighed. “Listen..” He addressed his family.

“I haven’t changed my views on birthdays. God I hate them. But Justin likes them, and considering how I fucked up his last birthday, I thought I’d make it up this year and throw him a party. And if I hear one fucking “I told you so” from any of you about my gift to him last year, I’ll fucking ban you from this party, are we clear?” Brian said in a no nonsense voice.

Several stunned faces stared back at him. A chorus of “yes, and we’re clear” echoed through the diner.

“Good. Deb, you’re in charge of the food.” Brian said.

“Hey wait a minute! I’m the cook in the family! Sorry sis, no insult intended, but I am a renowned chef.” Vic objected.

“I know Vic, and no disrespect to you but Deb makes all of Justin’s favorites. I need her to make her lasagna and meatballs. Oh, and can you make that squid dish you made last Christmas? He really loved that.” Brian asked Deb.

Deb pulled her shoulders back in pride. “You just leave it to me. I know all of Sunshine’s favorite dishes. I’ll make every fucking one of them!” She said.

“Thanks Deb. And Vic, I need you to make the cake. We’ll talk about the details later.” Brian said.

Vic nodded, wondering what kind of cake Brian wanted. “You know I’m a pretty good artist myself, I could make the cake in the shape of a cock if you’d like.” Vic offered.

Everyone laughed.

“Thanks for the offer Vic, I might take you up on it, another time. But for this party I have something specific in mind.” Brian said.

“What can we do?” Lindsey asked.

“You and Mel can go down to the hotel on Friday night for me and make sure they don’t fuck up anything. I ordered country blue pattern table cloths, Em note that..” He turned to Emmett.

“Got it.”

 

Brian pulled out a list. “Here’s a list of the things I requested. Make sure they have everything on the list, including the Beluga caviar.” Brian said.

“Hey, I thought I was doing the cooking!” Deb complained.

“You are, but I ordered some hor dourves and champagne. It’s a black tie affair by the way.” Brian announced.

“Black tie, champagne, caviar, country pattern table cloths and home made lasagna. Oh, and Sunflowers, no roses. Sounds right.” Deb said sarcastically.

“I see what you’re going for Bri. A bit of home style comfort mixed with upscale sophistication.” Ben said.

Leave it to fucking Zen Ben to figure it out.

“Yeah, something like that.” Brian said.

“Mikey, I need you and Ben to hire the wait staff. I want the hottest, I mean HOTTEST fucking gay men you can find. The hotel’s wait staff won’t due. I’ve had a look a them.” Brian said making a face and shuddered his disgust.

“And make sure they wear Tux’s. Use your connections from when you and Em were boy toy waiters.” Brian said.

Ben looked at his lover. “You were a ‘boy toy’ waiter?” He asked smiling.

“Never you mind! This is not the time or place for that discussion.” Michael said pouting.

“Oh honey, I’ll tell you all about it later!” Emmett volunteered.

Michael shot him a warning look.

“Shane, I need you go to the airport and pick up someone for me. A surprise guest for Justin. I have a room at the Empire hotel made in my name. I’ll give you the details later.” Brian said.

“No problem.” Shane answered.

“And take Adam with you.” Brian added.

“Jesus Brian, I can’t!” She protested.

“You can, and you will. Tonight, call him. Tell him.” Brian said with meaning.

The gang looked back and forth from Shane to Brian, curious as to the context of the exchange. There was obviously something going on with Shane and Adam. And who was this surprise guest?

Shane made a rude sound and stomped her foot, but she did not object.

“Well, is there anything “I” can do?” Rena said.

“Actually there is. I want you to throw a birthday party for Justin.” Brian said.

Everyone looked at him like he lost his mind.

“What are you on Bri?” Michael asked suspiciously.

Brian laughed.

“I must be high to be doing this.” He said, sighing.

“Obviously the brilliance of my plan is too sophisticated for you all to comprehend, so let me elaborate. If Rena throws him a party, Saturday afternoon he’ll not suspect another one that night, especially since I’ve arranged for Daphne to take him to an art exhibit afterwards. He’d never suspect another party following a full day of birthday activities. Hence, the meaning of the word “SURPRISE. Get it?” Brian said with playful condescension in his voice.

“Damn, I have to admit. That’s pretty good Brian.” Deb said.

“You’ve a knack for scheming Kinney. Sure you weren’t a criminal in a previous life?” Carl joked.

Brian smirked. “Well it’s good to know if Kinnetik tanks, I can make it as a con man.”

“Ok, so is everyone clear on their parts? Re, make sure you talk to Daphne so you two can coordinate times.” Brian said.

“I’ll give her a call. Justin’s going to be so overwhelmed Bean! This is so sweet of you.” Rena said smiling.

Brian made a face as if Rena just called him a vile name.

“I don’t do sweet Re, you know this.” He said.

“Ok, so if we’re done here, I just need to talk to Lindsey for a minute, everyone else can go.” Brian said.

“Don’t you just love the way he dismisses us when he’s done with us?” Emmett said to Ted.

“Yea, it’s the highlight of my day.” Ted said and walked Emmett out of the diner.

Everyone filed out of the diner, excited and talking about their parts in the surprise party.

Brian pulled Lindsey over to the side; Mel went to sit at the counter.

“Lins, I want Gus at the surprise party.” He said.

Lindsey looked at him suspiciously. “That’s a little late for him to be up Bri, especially after a full day at Rena’s for Justin’s first party.” She said.

“I know, but do this favor for me. I want him there. It’s important to me. Take him home from Rena’s party a little early and have him nap.” Brian asked, turning on his charm.

Lindsey smiled her indulgent smile. “Very well. I’ll arrange it.” She said and lightly kissed him on the cheek.

Mel watched from her seat at the counter and bristled.

Brian reached over to the brief case from the table and opened it.

“Robert got these to me today. Did you get a copy?” He asked, showing Lindsey the papers.

“Yes, I did.” She said smiling. “Gus Abraham Marcus-Peterson-Kinney. Our son is going to have one hell of a time learning to spell that one.” She teased looking at the papers that legally changed Gus’s name. It was part of the agreement, something Brian insisted on.

“He’ll be the only kid in class with a name like that. It shows just how many people love him. I’m sure he’ll feel very special.” Brian predicted.

“I’m sure you’re right.” Lindsey agreed.

“Besides, when I have another child, both my kids will have my last name, that’s important to me.” Brian said.

Lindsey blushed. “Brian!” She leaned in and whispered.

“I really need to discuss that first with Mel! Don’t be jumping the gun until I’ve had a chance to talk to her about it! Give a girl a break! “Lindsey said laughing, and then quickly added.

“Please don’t misunderstand me, I’d LOVE to have another child with you; this is just so sudden, and unexpected. In a pleasant way.” Lindsey said; elation at Brian’s suggestion clearly etched in her face.

If Brian weren’t sure before that what everyone was telling him about Lins’s feelings for him was true, he was convinced now, seeing the look of absolute joy on her face at the assumption on her part that she would carry his next child.

Brian gave her one of his famous Kinney smirks.

“Your life is going to be filled with many unexpected events Lins. And soon. I suggest you get prepared.” Brian said brusquely.

He retrieved his coat and briefcase and left the diner.

Lindsey watched him leave with a confused look on her face.

“What was that about?” Mel said coming up behind her.

“I don’t know.” Lindsey said distractedly.

“But I think Brian is up to something. Something I’m not going to like.” She said.

Mel smiled to herself and put her arm around her lover.

“You know Brian better than anyone Lins. If there is one thing you can count on, is that you can count on him to disappoint you. It’s time you did yourself a favor, and forget him.” Mel said.

Lindsey turned around to object, how could she forget the farther of her child? But something in Mel’s eyes stopped her. Mel wasn’t telling her to forget the father of her child, she was telling her to forget ‘the man’.

Lindsey sighed. God, was she that obvious?

She leaned in and kissed Mel. She truly loved Mel. Mel was her rock, her life partner. She couldn’t imagine her life with out her. So why couldn’t she let Brian go? Maybe, one day…she thought to herself.

“Let’s go home.” Lindsey said, shaking away her morose thoughts.

Mel smiled sadly and followed her lover out of the diner. She had to be strong. Lindsey was going to need her more than ever soon.

She had no idea what Kinney was up to, but she had no doubt it involved breaking one Lindsey Peterson’s illusions, and heart…..


	58. The Gift

“All that I am  
All that I ever was  
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where  
Confused about how as well  
Just know that these things will never change for us at all”

~ Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Friday

 

“You smell good.” Justin’s voice broke the eerie silence of the small reception room.

“What are you wearing?” He asked nervously.

They’d been waiting for over forty minutes now. Justin wondered how the fuck Brian could be so calm. He was so nervous he had resorted to idle conversation. Something Brian was never really fond of.

Brian looked sideways at him from his spot next to him on the hard bench they were sitting on.

“It’s Vera Wang, for men.” He answered coolly.

“Well I like it. It suits you.” Justin said, totally at a lost for conversation.

Brian laughed unexpectedly startling Justin.

“Why am I not surprised.” He said, as if it were a private joke.

Justin looked at him suspiciously. He’d been in an odd mood for several days now. He wondered, no maybe hoped, not for the first time, if Brian was planning something for his birthday tomorrow. He forced himself though not to get his hopes up too high.

Brian shifted on the bench slightly. His thigh flexed; the muscle was overly taut. Justin caught the significance of that small movement. It seemed he wasn’t as calm as he wanted Justin to believe he was after all. Justin could always tell Brian’s mood by his body language, no matter how small or subtle, the gesture, Justin picked up on it. Brian was nervous about this meeting.

When the agency’s rep told them of the surrogates’ situation, Brian reacted strongly and immediately. He was already emotionally invested in this case. Justin was so wrapped up in his own joy over starting the process he lost sight of how all this was affecting Brian.

He leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“I love you, you know. And since you also love me, this is the part where you can   
say something ridiculously romantic like, "I love you too.” Justin teased, trying to lessen the tension.

“Or you can say something less obvious, but equally romantic   
like…”You smell good."

Justin’s humor was not lost on Brian. He turned to him and smiled.

“Yeah, well that was just about the most endearing thing you’ve said to me all day.” He quipped.

He was rewarded with one of Justin’s smiles.

“Hey, I’m an artist, not a poet. Considering I had to come up with that line sitting on this hard piece of wood, which by the way, may make my ass so sore you won’t be using it for days, I’d say it was pretty damn good.” Justin said.

Brian shot him a horrified look.

“Don’t EVEN joke about such a thing.” Brian said in reference to Justin’s sore ass not being available for his use.

 

Justin was about to reply when the door opened.

“I’m sorry for the delay Mr. Taylor, Mr. Kinney, but Mrs. Weston had trouble getting a ride into town. She’s here now. She’s just in the bathroom freshening up.” Ms. Stenza, the agency’s rep assigned to their case, explained awkwardly from the doorway.

“Is there a problem?” Brian asked sensing the woman’s anxiety.

“Um, no, you have to understand Mr. Kinney, many of these woman become surrogates because of their situations, and as we discussed on the phone, Mrs. Weston’s situation is particularly dire. It’s why we were able to set up this meeting so quickly. It was nothing short of a miracle that you called when you did. Well, at least that’s what Mrs. Weston believes. She’s just a little nervous about meeting you.” Ms. Stenza reasoned.

Brian had checked out ‘Angelmatchers,’ the day after he and Justin had discussed employing a surrogate. He was impressed with the agencies work, and reputation. They had been operating for over 10 years, with a 95% success rate. Justin of course loved the agency’s name, Brian loved their stats. They also had an impressive number of gay clients.

They set up an interview for Wednesday and were told that very day that the agency had what they believed a perfect match for them. A widow in her 30’s with three children. Her husband was a truck driver who died from an aneurysm.

He left his family virtually penniless. There was no life insurance, or health benefits. Still, his widow was a proud woman who did not want to go on welfare. She worked nights sewing and cleaning for the people in her neighborhood to support her family. And though they were poor, she made do. But then her youngest child got into an accident and was badly disfigured.

According to Ms. Stenza the boy was out fishing in the woods when a bear attacked him. It was a miracle he survived. The doctors were able to save his life, but the boy was left with extensive scarring and skin damage, especially to his face and neck area, where most of the tearing occurred.

The bills from the hospital were outstanding, and the ‘prospective surrogate’ was in danger of losing her home. Plus, she could never afford to pay for the many surgeries needed to make her son look normal again. Surgeries, that needed to begin immediately according to the doctors, if the boy were to have any chance of successful facial reconstruction.

A friend told the desperate woman about Anglematchers. She contacted the agency and went through the extensive interview process and had a complete medical exam done. She was accepted last Friday. On Monday, Brian had called inquiring about a surrogate mother for his and Justin’s child.

The agency set up an interview with Brian and Justin this past Wednesday. They had their blood work done that day as well. Because of Mrs. Weston’s special circumstance, the agency sped up the process.

Two days later an introduction was arranged. It wasn’t lost on any of the parties involved the importance of this first meeting.

If all parties were agreeable, the procedure could begin immediately.

Brian and Justin would have their sperm injected into the surrogate and start the process, and Mrs. Weston would have the funds to get her son the immediate medical attention he so desperately needed.

Brian chalked it up to luck that they found each other through this agency. Mrs. Weston deemed it a divine intervention. And of course, Justin deemed it fate.

Whatever the cause, here they all were.

Mrs. Stenza looked behind her. “Oh, here she is.” She said smiling and stepped aside to let the woman in.

Both men rose to greet her. Their eyes were glued to the woman entering.

She was a wisp of a girl really, looking much younger than her thirty some odd years. She stood about 5’2’, with soft features, and the loveliest white blonde hair either had ever seen. It was pulled back in a very demure ponytail.

She was clad in a worn beige over coat that came down to her calves. Peaking out from underneath her coat were two skinny legs clad in thick dark cable stockings. Her shoes were dark brown leather service shoes. Normally her attire would offend Brian’s fashion sensibilities but not in this case. This woman wore her dignity like he wore his best Armani suit. With pride. She could have been wearing a Valentino gown and not look any differently.

She entered the room shyly, her eyes lowered, yet her shoulders were back, her spine stiff. This was a very proud woman; it showed in her body language.

Brian and Justin both turned to look at each other at the same time. Their eyes conveying their thoughts to each other. There was something special about this woman. She had character.

“Mrs. Weston, this is Mr. Kinney and Mr. Taylor.” Ms. Stenza made the introductions.

They all shook hands and Mrs. Weston was given a chair to sit opposite them.

Ms. Stenza then moved to the back of the room, away from the small group. Her role at this point was to observe the meeting and be available for any questions.

 

The three of them sat there for a long time, just looking at each other. An awkward silence ensued.

Brian was first to speak.

“Mrs. Weston, I know this must be very difficult for you. Justin and I would like you to know how very sorry we are for your son’s unfortunate situation. We’ve already decided that whether or not you agree to be a surrogate to our child, we are going to make sure your son gets the medical treatment he needs.”

The woman let out a small gasp, almost a cry. Her eyes filled with tears and she looked behind her to the Rep.

“It’s true Mrs. Weston. They agreed to pay for your son’s surgeries, no matter what your decision. “She confirmed.

“And we don’t want you to feel you have to carry our child out of gratitude. We believe it was fate that brought us together for your son’s benefit. Not for ours.” Justin added in a kind voice.

Brian gave Justin a sharp look. He did not believe it was ‘fate’ as Justin did. He did however believe that they were in a position to help a young boy and he was not about to let that young boy suffer if he could help it. Brian always had a soft spot for young boys in trouble. Starting with himself and Andy….

The woman took a handkerchief out of her coat pocket and dabbed at her eyes. They noticed for the first time she did not carry a handbag. Yet another glimpse into the personality of the woman sitting before them.

She took a moment to compose herself before speaking.

“I believe that God works in mysterious ways.” She began tentatively.

“He might very well Mrs. Weston but…”Brian started to say.

“Please, call me Lucy…”

“Very well, Lucy,, as I was saying, He may very well work in mysterious ways, but there is no mystery about this. Your son will get the help he needs. It was luck that has brought us together. Sometimes we all need a little luck in our lives.” Brian said smiling at the woman.

Lucy looked over to Justin sensing that he believed as she did. Luck had little to do with it, it was truly divine intervention. He smiled at her and her heart skipped. He had the most brilliant smile.

“Please forgive my partner Lucy, he may be a bit of a skeptic, but believe me you’ll never meet a kinder soul. If that’s not the work of God, I don’t know what is.” Justin said with a gleam in his eyes.

She turned her attention back to Brian.

“Mr. Kinney…”

“Please call me Brian..”

“Brian, luck or not, I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and generosity towards my son. He’s a bright boy, always talking about building bridges. You see he wants to be an engineer.” She said, pride shinning in her eyes.

“What you are doing for him cannot be repaid. I know that. In either case, it’s not why I’ve already decided to be your surrogate.”

It was Brian and Justin’s turn to gasp in surprise.

“If I hadn’t decided before I walked in that door, I would have the moment I looked into both your eyes. You are kind, decent men, and it would be my privilege to do this small favor for you. It’s God’s will Mr. Kinney. Or if you prefer, luck.” She said smiling impishly.

 

Brian reached over and grabbed Justin’s hand, his eyes still fixed on Lucy’s.

“And we cannot thank you enough.” He said, his voice heavy with emotion.

“But understand, we want you to be sure. Please, take some time to think about it. There is no urgency here.” Brian said.

Lucy shook her head. “No, the decision has been made. I’ve never felt more certain about anything.” She said rising.

Brian and Justin stood up as well.

“I’ll come down to the clinic on Monday, if that’s ok with you. Doctor Hadley will do the insemination. Its perfect timing.” She blushed a bit hoping she wouldn’t have to explain what she meant by that. When it came to her menstrual cycle, she was as regular a Swiss clock. Come Monday, she would be ovulating.

Both Brian and Justin nodded their heads in understanding.

“We’ll be here.” He said.

She took a deep breath. “I have one request, actually two, if you don’t mind.” She asked.

“If we can oblige you, be certain we will.” Brian answered.

“First, I’d like you to meet my son, Elliot. He was named after my father. You see, he died right before I gave birth and my husband and I thought to honor him by naming our son after him. It would mean a lot to me if you met him. And I want him to meet the both of you. It’s important to me that he know the men who saved his life. Please consider it.” She asked.

Brian looked at Justin. Justin nodded his head.

“We would love to meet your son.” Brian said turning back to address Lucy.

“The second thing I’d like you to consider is more selfish I’m afraid.” Lucy once again lowered her eyes.

They waited patiently for her to continue.

“You see, Elliot is my only son. The youngest of my three children. We were going to name him after my husband, but then my father died, so we named him after him. We always intended to have more children. I was hoping one day to have another son and name him after his father.” She looked up at them at this point.

“My husband was a good man. A man I’m sure you would have both liked, and respected. He was a wonderful father, and husband. When he wasn’t working to support his family, he was helping others in need. He was the kindest, gentlest human being and he was greatly loved. He was the love of my life.” She added with a sad smile, as memories of her much loved departed husband filled her.

“I know this is not my place, and I shouldn’t be asking, but I am asking.” She took a deep breath.

“It would mean the world to me, and it would do ‘HIM’ a great honor if you were to name the child after him, if it’s a boy.” She blurted out the request.

Brian and Justin looked at each other. It wasn’t an unreasonable request; neither really thought it a deal breaker. They kind of shrugged at each other as if saying, “why not?”

“What was your husband’s name?” Justin asked the woman.

 

“Andrew. His friends called him Andy….”

******************************************************************

Saturday Morning:

 

Justin slipped out of bed quietly as not to wake Brian. He stretched his pleasantly sore muscles before walking into the bathroom to relieve himself.

The events of the past week had been an emotional rollercoaster.

They were actually going to have a baby. A baby, if a boy, named Andy…

When Brian heard the name of Lucy’s deceased husband, a small part of him started to believe in divine intervention. Justin had to drive home yesterday, that’s how unnerved Brian was over the meeting with Lucy. If he weren’t emotionally invested before, he most definitely was now.

It was all happening so fast. They stood up most of the night just talking. About the insemination, about the loft renovations, about meeting Lucy’s boy, about going to look for a pre school for Gus, even about how and when they were going to break the news to the family. They still had yet to decide what to do about Lindsey, though Justin believed finding out he and Brian were having a baby together would at least put a pin hole in her little fantasy bubble.

It was sooo fucking weird… talking about these things with Brian. It seemed way out of character for the stud of Liberty Avenue to be talking about nurseries and pre schools. It wasn’t until around 3:00 a.m. that it hit Brian what they’d been doing for the past several hours when he decided he had enough and fucked Justin into the mattress. There was only so much ‘domesticated conversation’ Brian could take in one night.

Justin flushed the toilet and headed for the kitchen. It was his birthday, and Justin didn’t want to wake Brian yet. He’d make some coffee first before heading for the shower where he was sure Brian would join him to give him his ‘birthday fuck.’

Once the coffee was on, he pulled down a bowl and poured some cereal in it. His heart was a little sad. Brian didn’t even mention his birthday last night. He kept looking at the clock, waiting for midnight. But midnight came and went, and Brian didn’t’ acknowledge his birthday. He knew it was extremely selfish of him, and vain. Justin normally didn’t do vain. He’d been blessed so much this year, he couldn’t imagine having a better birthday. They were going to have a baby together. It was too wonderful to even imagine…

Still, a small part of him thought…it would have nice to hear “happy birthday Sunshine….”

Justin shook his silly thoughts away and brought his bowl of cereal to the kitchen counter. He sat down and started to eat when something on the dining room table caught his eye. It looked like a small box with a note lying on top of it.

He took his bowl over to the table and picked up the folded piece of paper.

He opened the note and read it.

Justin, hard as I tried, and let me assure you, I tried HARD, I couldn’t find a hooker to suit both our needs this year (just kidding)   
Seriously though, you know I’m not really good at buying gifts…And I didn’t think you’d appreciate me sending Cynthia out to buy a birthday (God I hate the word) gift for you so I bought this one myself. I know you’ll understand when you open it why I chose it.  
Be careful Sunshine. Birthday’s aren’t what they’re cracked up to be. They signify the horrible reality that you’re getting old. If you continue to insist on having these dreadful things, I just might have to trade you in  
for a younger model…….”wink”. You see now why I refuse to acknowledge them.

H. B.  
B

 

Justin laughed and gently refolded the note. He picked up the box and tore the blue wrapping off to see what was inside.

He blinked several times. It took his brain a minute to register what he was looking at.

There, lying in the middle of the box was a bottle of Vera Wang for men.

Justin’s breath caught in his throat. It was the perfect gift.

He ran into the bedroom and jumped on Brian eliciting a painful groan from him.

“Why the fuck do I have to suffer on YOUR birthday!” Brian complained and tried to push Justin off of him.

Justin leaned over and kissed him.

“Thank you.” He said looking into his lover’s eyes, his own misty.

Brian made a rude sound. “I just KNEW you’d love it.” He complained, as if he were disappointed Justin liked his gift.

Justin laughed.

“You do realize that we now have a “matching pair of Vera Wangs.” Justin said, wickedly, acknowledging the meaning behind the gift.

He could still hear Brian’s words in is head from that night long ago when he approached him on the dance floor of Babylon and asked him to move in with him….

“Don’t think that just because we’re together it   
means we’ll be marching down the isle like a couple of   
dykes wearing matching Vera Wangs.”

 

Brian grabbed Justin around the waist and flipped him over so he lay beneath him.

“Yeah, well don’t forget we’re GAY. We’re not like fucking straight people, we’re not your parents. We fuck who we want, when we want. And we’re together, because we want to be. Not because there are locks on our doors.” Brian said repeating the words from that same night.

He stared down into Justin’s eyes.

“And don’t ever forget that no matter where life takes us, whether we’re together, or apart, we will always be connected, as one… here.” Brian took Justin’s hand and put it over his heart, then he did the same with his hand, putting it over Justin’s heart.

“You’re it for me Justin. You always have been. And always will be. The last face I’d like to see before I close my eyes for the last time is yours.” Brian’s voice cracked a bit with his emotion.

Justin was having a real hard time keeping his in check.

“Promise me that and I might let you celebrate another birthday.” Brian said tongue in cheek.

Justin’s tears spilled down his cheek. He always knew Brian felt this way, deep down, his soul knew. It’s what always kept him coming back. His unwavering belief that Brian loved him, more deeply and profoundly then anyone could imagine. But hearing him confess as much was validation he didn’t need, but treasured none the less.

“I promise…” Justin said.

Brian smiled down at him. “Happy Birthday Sunshine.” He said then kissed him thoroughly.

They made love all morning. Then Brian fucked him for most of the afternoon. By 2:00p.m. Brian reluctantly dragged Justin out of bed so they could shower and get ready to go to Rena’s.

Justin’s Birthday was far from over. The celebrations were just about to begin…


	59. The Birthday

”Synergy — the bonus that is achieved when things work together harmoniously.”

 

~ Mark Twain

 

Shane threw her cigarette down onto the pavement and crushed it beneath the toe of her boot-clad foot.

Well, there was another vice she was going to have to give up she thought.

She shoved her hands into her fur lined leather jacket and leaned against the car. It was nearly time to go to the airport and pick up Brian’s surprise guest. But first, she needed to talk to Adam.

She had called him this morning and asked to him to meet her here, in this deserted parking lot. She did not want to have this conversation at the airport, and Brian told her to stop putting it off and get it over with, now. He was right; she’d been procrastinating for far too long.

The parking lot belonged to an old abandoned apartment complex. God it was a sight, not exactly the kind of place you want to remember being at when first hearing you were going to be a father, but it was better than the airport, and it was only about five minutes from there.

She chose this site because it was secluded. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but she was starting to have her doubts. The place was truly dismal.

The decrypted building was depressing the shit out of her. Half the windows were missing, the other half broken. Old brick and mortar crumbled to the ground with each gust of wind. The old gal had seen better days, that was for sure.

Much like her.

The chilly December air whipped around her, bringing her thoughts away from the sorrowful state of the building, and on to her own present condition. She welcomed the icy feel against her skin. The cold air, for some reason, made her feel less nauseous. At this point, she’d take whatever relief she could find, wherever.

The God-awful nausea wasn’t letting up. Rena said it would end in a week or two. She doubted she could last that long. In addition to the vomiting, her emotions these days were all over the place.

A good example was her standing in the middle of a deserted parking lot, bemoaning the loss of some dilapidated building. God she was pathetic.

A low revving noise in the distance made Shane turned her head towards the sound. Adam’s car was approaching. Just the sight of his car made her heart flutter. She really missed him. She didn’t even realize how much until just now, seeing him speed towards her.

He came barreling into the parking lot like he was fucking Mario Andretti, ending in a screeching halt right next to her car. He jumped out so fast he nearly slammed the door shut on his overcoat.

Shane laughed, then sobered up when she saw the look on his face.

He approached her and reached for her arm.

Jerking her around to face him, he started unzipping her jacket.

“What the fuck are you doing!” Shane demanded, trying to push his hands away unsuccessfully.

“It’s fucking freezing out here!” She complained.

“Take this fucking jacket off right now Shane, and show me your arms!” Adam screamed at her, anger and fear etched into his face.

Shane looked at him stunned.

“You think I’ve been cutting again?” She asked in disbelief.

“I don’t know what the fuck to think!” Adam wailed almost hysterically.

“You don’t talk to me for weeks! Rena won’t tell me what’s going on, Brian won’t tell me. What am I suppose to think?!” Adams voice was raw with frustration.

Shane felt ashamed. She never intended for him to worry like that. It wasn’t like he didn’t have good reason.

“I told you I wouldn’t do that again.” She said in a quiet voice.

Adam studied her with a worried look.

“What’s wrong Shane, tell me. I know something is wrong.” Adam asked.

One single tear slipped from her eye.

Adam thought his heart would stop.

“Don’t do this to me Shane, I’ve got all sorts of horrible images running through my head, for God sakes, just tell me!” Adam said fearfully.

“I’m pregnant.” She said quietly.

“ Rena and Brian wanted me to tell you weeks ago, but I, well.” Shane took a deep breath.

“I’m telling you now.” She said, and prepared herself for his reaction.

Adam stepped back stunned. Shane saw the shock, then wonder flit across his face, but then just as quickly, those emotions were replaced by anger.

He shoved his hands in his pocket and glared at her.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Say that again. I don’t think I heard you correctly. Of course I misunderstood, right Shane?” Adam asked incredulous.

Shane just stared at him, confused at his response. She expected the anger, and disappointment. But deep inside there was a small part of her that wished he would actually be happy. He almost looked happy, for a second…

But this,,, this,,, derision was totally out of left field. He was in total sarcasm mode. She thought Adam many things, but cruel, was never something she’d consider him. Until now.

She was about to tell him to fuck off, permanently, when he continued.

“Because I know that you would NEVER withhold something so monumental from me for how long? Two weeks? My God Shane! You should have told me immediately! Why would you keep my child from me?!” Adam said, and this time, Shane saw past the anger and sarcasm to the deep hurt he was feeling.

A surge of hope rose up inside of her at his words…“my child.”

“Adam, calm down, I just needed time….”

“For what?!” Adam interrupted her.

“Please tell me you weren’t considering….” His voice cracked, preventing him from finishing his thought.

Shane’s jaw dropped. “Oh God, no, I mean, yes, I mean, just for a brief minute, but I would NEVER, you have to believe me Adam. It’s your baby, how could I do that? I can’t get you out of my system, why would I want you out of my body?” Shane pleaded with her eyes.

Adam stood there staring at her, his hands still in his pockets. Total joy and relief flooded his body. Shane was having his baby.

He wanted nothing more right then than to grab her and squeeze her tight, pouring all his excitement and love into her. But he couldn’t.

Truth was, he was too afraid to touch her. Pregnant women scared the shit out of him.

He was forty, and never been in this position before.

He had no family, other than some distant relatives he barely saw. And neither his ex wife or mistresses were ever in that position. He spent little time in the presence of expectant mothers.

Anytime there was a pregnant woman in his presence, which was rare, he always kept his distance. There was something so magical about them; he thought of them as walking miracles.

As cynical as he was about human nature, the sight of a woman carrying a child always humbled him. And it reaffirmed his faith in God.

Of course, no woman he’d ever been with ever wanted to have his child. He felt it was a testament to his character, one well deserved unfortunately.

Shane was different though. Shane saw him, warts and all, and loved him despite it all. He could be himself with her; he didn’t need his portfolio to speak for him. He knew he didn’t deserve her, but God he had wanted her from the beginning. Even when he thought she was a boy.

“Um, well? Do you want to say anything? I know this must be a shock, but some kind of reaction other than anger at not being told sooner, would be appreciated right about now.” Shane said, getting more nervous by the second.

It was like Adam didn’t want to be near her now. It confused the hell out of her. By his words, and expression, she would guess he was thrilled, once he got past the hurt of not being told right away. Yet, he stood there, not moving.

Adam cleared his throat. “Don’t laugh, ok?” He said.

Shane gave him a quizzical look. “Laugh?” she asked.

“I know I’m a lawyer, and I’m suppose to be this super smart guy and all, but truth is, I’ve no fucking clue about expectant mothers. I mean how fragile are you right now? I don’t want to hurt the baby.” Adam said.

Shane threw back her head and laughed.

Adam scowled. “I ASKED you not to laugh!” He said petulantly.

“I’m sorry Adam, but you are so fucking adorable! Mr. high power, take no prisoners lawyer, who has a history of making grown men, grown BAD men cry, is afraid to touch his pregnant girlfriend. You don’t find the humor in that?” She asked.

“No I don’t.” Adam said. She still had not told him how he should approach her.

“Listen, I know how important the first few months are. I’m not stupid. I HAVE read many articles on the topic you know.” He defended.

That only made Shane laugh harder. “You read about pregnant women?” She said between bouts of laughter.

“Have you ever fucked one Adam?” She asked.

Adams face went white. Shane almost felt guilty, but she could only laugh even more.

“Stop fucking around Shane. I’m serious. I’m not going to do ANYTHING to jeopardize the health of our baby. And if that means no fucking, then you’ll just have to blow me for the next nine months.”

That stopped Shane from laughing.

Adam threw her a satisfied look.

“Ok, that wasn’t funny.” She said.

“Seriously, I don’t want to hurt you, and right now, I’m so fucking excited I feel like picking you up and swinging you around. A baby Shane, OUR baby!” He said pure joy and wonder in his voice.

Shane’s heart melted. He may be able to restrain himself, but she couldn’t.

She ran towards him and jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist.

He grabbed her and held her tight. He buried his face in her neck and breathed in deep, trying to get his emotions under control.

Shane cried. She did that a lot lately.

“Oh Adam, I’m so glad you’re happy. I’d truly have to kill you if you weren’t you know.” She said.

Adam let out a choked laugh. He set her down gently and looked into her eyes.

“Happy? Jesus Shane, I’m fucking blown away. It’s like a dream. We’re having a baby. I can’t believe this is happening.” Adam said.

Shane marveled at the look on Adam’s face. He was glowing; one would think HE was pregnant.

“Me neither.” She said. “So, what now?” She asked hesitantly.

“You’re asking me? Jesus, Rena’s a doctor, what does she say? How does this work?” Adam asked.

“How the hell would I know? I’ve never been pregnant before.” She confessed.

“Ok, well I know the basics, but the whole ‘stages’ thing is foreign to me. Do you know how far along you are?” He asked.

Shane shrugged. “I figure about five weeks. That was the last time we fucked. I have a doctor’s appointment next week.” She said.

“OK, then that’s where we start. I’ll draw up a list of questions for the doctor. First, I’ll do some research on my own and….”

“PLEASE tell me you’re not going to treat this like one of your cases!” Shane interrupted him.

“Listen fancy face, it’s what I do best. Prepare for the trial. In this case, prepare for the birth. You’ll see, by the time the baby comes, I’ll be an expert.” Adam said confidently.

Shane sighed.

“Fine. You be the expert, I’ll just push the kid out.” She said and made a face at him.

Adam drew her into his arms.

“And what about us?” Shane asked hesitantly.

It was Adam’s turn to laugh. “You really are dense sometimes. What part of I love you didn’t you get the first time I told you? Or do you think I say that to every boy I fuck?” He teased.

Shane playfully slapped him. “Hey, you liked me as a boy.” She smiled up at him.

“Well boy or girl, the question needs to be answered by you fancy face. I’m here, and I intend to stay here. If it were up to me, we’d fly to Vegas tonight and get married. It’s your family that’s the issue. The ball is in your court. My balls actually. Are you going to stand up to Brian and marry me?” Adam asked.

Shane’s breath caught in her throat. “Marry? Jesus Slatter, I don’t think the situation calls for such drastic measures!” She said, a twinkle in her eye.

“You little minx. You’re teasing me aren’t you?” Adam leaned in and nipped at her neck.

Shane squirmed in his arms and giggled.

“Oh, you think it’s funny to torment me huh? Ok, forget I asked. I wouldn’t marry you now if you begged me.” Adam countered.

“How about if I blow you?” Shane suggested.

Adam groaned. “Babe, I’d fucking marry Brian if you’d blow me right now.” He said.

Shane laughed. “Ok, I’d pay money to see that proposal.”

“So? What’s your answer?” Adam asked sobering up.

“I’ll make a lousy wife you know.” She said earnestly.

“I’m not exactly great husband material either.”

“I can’t cook.”

“Me neither.”

“I’m a lousy housekeeper.”

“I have a housekeeper.”

“I’m too stubborn by any means, we’ll fight all the time.”

“That’s a given.”

Shane tilted her head and studied him.

“And knowing all this, you still think we should marry?”

Adam just nodded, his eyes conveying all his feelings.

Shane sighed. “Well considering how unsuitable we both are for marriage, it seems the only logical thing to do.” She conceded.

“My thoughts exactly.” Adam said bringing his mouth down to capture hers in a deep, passionate kiss.

When he finally released her, he buried his face in her hair and pulled her in tight against his body. They stood there, drinking in the moment.

 

“How are you feeling?” Adam broke the silence, concern heavy in his voice.

“Horrible. I am constantly nauseous. I can’t hold anything down. But Rena said that should pass.” Shane answered.

Adams hand trailed down to her stomach.

“God I hope he doesn’t have my disposition.” He said looking down at her stomach.

“Yeah, well SHE probably does. She seems to be intent on tormenting me. Much like her father.” Shane smiled up at Adam.

Adam laughed and kissed her again.

“Come on, let’s go. It’s freezing out here. I’m taking you home, then we’re going to celebrate.” Adam said smiling.

“Fuck! I can’t. I have to go pick up Brian’s surprise guest for Justin’s party tonight.” Shane said pulling away from Adam. She took her car keys out from her pocket

“Wait, I’ll go with you.” Adam said taking the keys from her.

“I almost forgot about the party tonight. We both have to be there.” Adam said, opening the passenger side door for Shane.

“Yeah, I know. Brian’s got this whole big thing planned. I’m telling you, it’s fucking weird Adam. I don’t like it one bit. Especially since I found out who I’m picking up at the airport. I hope this doesn’t ruin Justin’s party.” Shane said.

Adam got into the drivers side and turned the key in the ignition.

“Brian’s been carefully planning for tonight. I can’t believe he’d do anything to spoil the night’s events. Who did he invite?” Adam asked.

He didn’t understand why Brian would do anything to jeopardize his plans. The papers he had drawn up for Brian were pretty clear in their intent. This ‘celebration’ would most definitely please Justin.

“It’s not who really, but why that concerns me.” Shane said.

Adam looked sideways at her as he pulled out of the lot.

Shane sighed. “It’s a long story. I’ll tell on the way.” She said.

Five minutes later they arrived at the Airport. Shane had explained the situation. Adam was more confused then ever. What the fuck was Kinney up to?

********************************************************************

 

“Honey, put those flowers by that column over there.” Emmett directed one of the hunky wait staff Michael and Ben had hired for the party.

He walked over to Michael, who was standing by the bar, giving instructions to the bartender.

“I am defiantly taking one of these hotties home tonight. Where ever did you find them?” Emmett said ogling the young men as they prepared for the party in their way too tight tuxedo pants.

“Hey, I thought you and James were an item now?” Michael teased.

Emmett made a rude noise. “Why should I be loyal to him? Has he called me once? No. I don’t even know where he is!” Emmett whined.

He turned around and leaned the back of his elbows on the bar.

“Brian and Rena say he’s away on business. You know, the covert undercover type. For all I fucking know, he’s undercover with some trick.” He complained.

“Em, come on. You know James isn’t the type.” Michael reasoned.

“Do I? Apparently I don’t know much about him at all.” Emmett said.

Michael heard the hurt in his voice. “Well, if Rena say’s its business, I’d believe her. I’ve known her a long time Em, she wouldn’t lie.” He said.

Emmett just made a face.

“Hey you two, stop the chit chatten and get over here and help me and Vic.” Deb called over to them from the banquet table.

The hotel staff was setting up the stenos. The party was to begin in an hour.

Everything looked perfect. Well, perfect according to what Brian wanted.

There were blue and white-checkered tablecloths covering the tables, adorned with centerpieces of sunflowers and daffodils.

In contrast, large ornate elegant floral towers flanked the sides of the long banquet tables, which were covered with expensive black and white linens.

The food consisted of cracked crab, caviar, cold lobsters, lasagna, calamari marinara and macaroni and cheese.

The bar was stocked with Krug Clos De Mesnil champagne at $750 a bottle along with soft drinks, and apple juice.

The whole theme, as Emmett put it, was ‘a little bit Country, a little bit Fifth Avenue’.

It was the perfect marriage of simplicity and sophistication. Much like Justin and Brian.

“Did you hear who Brian invited?” Lindsey came over to the table carrying Gus who looked absolutely adorable in the Ralph Lauren outfit Brian had bought him. Adorable and uncomfortable. Lindsey had removed the tiny blazer, and rolled up the sleeves to the dress shirt, but Gus was still fidgeting.

Michael threw her a warning glance, which she ignored of course.

Deb snorted. “Yeah I heard. I just don’t get that boy! Why would he do that to Sunshine? And Rena threw him such a great party this afternoon…” Deb sighed and shook her head.

“Why the fuck would he go through all this trouble just to ruin this one?!” Deb asked bewildered.

“Ma, don’t jump to conclusions. Lets wait and see what happens, ok?” Michael said.

“How can YOU say that after what he did to you at your 30th birthday party! He threw it for you, only to humiliate you! True, he did it for your own good, but did he have to do it on your birthday?” Deb asked.

“That’s how Brian operates Ma. We all know this.” Michael defended.

“Now wait, you’re all assuming Brian’s going to humiliate Justin. None of us knows what the situation is here. I say lets reserve judgment.” Vic said.

Deb huffed.

“Reserve judgment on what?” Jennifer said joining the crowd. She too looked amazing in her cream colored T length designer dress. It was simple and elegant.

In fact, everyone was dressed to the nines. It was one of Brian’s requests.

“On the ‘surprise guest.” Deb said.

“I’m especially surprised at you Jen. Did you know he was going to do this?” Deb asked in an accusing tone.

“Of course I did. He consulted with me first.” She defended.

All eyes turned to her in shock.

Vic smiled. “See, I told you. Only Jen knows the situation, the rest of us will just have to wait and see how the evening unfolds.” Vic said.

“I know Brian better than anyone, and I’m telling you, this won’t bode well.” Lindsey predicted. She almost seemed gleeful.

Michael sighed. He didn’t know what Brian’s plans were, but he DID know Brian was very nervous about this party.

He was unusually quiet at Rena’s house earlier. Justin was thrilled, of course. Rena threw him a great party. He was already in a good mood when he arrived and his mood just got better as the day progressed. They all bought him gifts. Actually, they all bought him two gifts. One for the first birthday party, and another gift for his second party tonight.

Brian insisted Justin have no clue about the party tonight, so they had to make the party that afternoon look real. And it was. Complete with gifts and cake. Now a few hours later, they were preparing for another party. One Brian was throwing for him.

It was confusing the hell out of all of them. Why Brian felt the need for Justin to have two parties was, at the very least, very out of character. But they all went along. Each had their own suspicions.

Vic was walking around with this secretive, knowing smile on his face, Ben said it was a wonderful thing Brian was doing, but Michael, being on the receiving end of one of Brian’s surprise parties, had his reservations.

He never doubted Brian’s love for him, but sometimes, that love hurt. Brian would do whatever necessary for someone he loved, if he thought it was for their own good. Like he did to Michael on his 30th birthday when he outed him. Michael didn’t talk to Brian for weeks after that fiasco. It was Justin who eventually got them back together.

He hoped with all his heart he wasn’t planning something like that with Justin. Justin was sure to freak if that was the case. And if the surprise guest was any indication, it was deja vu all over again. Only this time, Michael didn’t think he’d be able to return the favor and bridge the gap something like that would create between those two. They fought as fiercely as they loved.

 

****************************************************************************

 

“You know Daph, this is the perfect ending to a perfect day.” Justin all but gushed. He was floating on cloud nine.

The day couldn’t have gone better. It was the best Birthday Justin had ever had.

It started with his birthday gift from Brian. A bottle of Vera Wang for men. He knew Brian gave it to him as a symbol of them being a couple. It was a HUGE step for Brian. Justin smiled as he remembered the fucking fabulous sex that followed.

As if that weren’t enough, Rena throws him this amazing party. There was cake and presents. Gus’s gift was the best. He gave him a picture he had drawn of Justin, himself and Brian together. Justin was wearing a party hat in the picture. The kid was really talented. Ok, so maybe he was a bit bias, but hey, he was entitled.

Even Margot had behaved and gave him a birthday gift. A personalized birthday wish card from Barbara Striesand. Emmett almost had a heart attack over it. Justin had to promise him that he’d let him borrow it on weekends just to get him to calm down.

The only fly in the ointment was Brian’s unusual silence. Though Justin knew Brian well enough to know that he was probably just on ‘hetero rituals’ over load.  
He had asked him at one point if he wanted to make the announcement about the baby at the party, but Brian had said it wasn’t the right time. He said he’d let him know when the right time was.

When Daphne told him she was taking him to Rick Van Hussen’s art exhibit tonight, he was thrilled. Not only did he love Hussen’s work, the man was a fucking genius, but it would give Brian a break from all the ‘family festivities, and activities’.

Brian was true to his word. He was changing, but at too rapid a pace. Justin knew Brian needed to blow off some steam before it became too much for him. He had ‘set up home’ with Justin, got his full parental rights back to his son, stopped drinking, well cut back anyway, was planning to have a baby with him, making renovations to his loft to accommodate his children, and now submitting to giving birthday gifts and enduring three verses of that dreaded song, “happy birthday to you” at his sisters house.

Their relationship was turning too quickly into a Norman Rockwell painting. And that was NOT Brian. Nor did Justin ever want it to be Brian.

Justin had cheerily kissed him goodnight after the party and headed out with Daphne.

He knew Brian would probably go off to Woody’s, or maybe Babylon and reaffirm his non-conformist stature by hooking up with every hot guy in the place. Justin didn’t care though.

He knew when he came home tonight; they were going to put in some serious fucking time. Brian needed it. Who the fuck was he kidding? HE needed it.

Justin sighed audibly.

Life didn’t get much better then this he thought.

A man passed him by and eyed him salaciously. This one didn’t even try to conceal his lust.

“That’s the third one you know.” Daphne said.

Justin just smiled. He had to admit, he was getting a lot of attention tonight. If he weren’t modest, he’d say almost as much attention as Hussen’s art was getting.

He was all in black tonight and looking very hot. Brian loved him in black. Actually, he had picked out the outfit Justin was wearing tonight.

He had on the black Malik shirt Brian had bought him in New York, tucked into a pair of black wool Armani slacks, complete with a matching black jacket that was tailored to his form. It was part of the wardrobe Brian bought him when they were in New York.

Justin smiled at the memory of Brian dressing him up that day. He was like a kid playing dress up with his favorite Ken doll. Justin made a mental note to buy Brian the blonde version Ken doll for Christmas.

“Hey Casanova, where’d you go?” Daphne asked, bringing Justin out of his thoughts.

“Oh, sorry Daph. Was just thinking about something.” Justin said.

“Hmmm…my money says that ‘something’ was Brian.” Daph concluded correctly.

Justin flashed her a brilliant smile.

“Have I told you lately how much I adore you Daph? This is the best present! God look at his work! Have you ever seen such form? Such clarity?” Justin commented.

“Such hot asses?” Daphne said as she craned her neck to look over Justin’s shoulder at some guy who walked by.

Justin laughed. “Yeah, that too.” He agreed.

Daphne smiled up at him. “So, good day, right?” She asked.

“Very good day.” Justin said and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

“Well the day’s not over yet!” She said cheekily.

Justin gave her a curious look.

“Hey, there’s Hussen, lets go introduce ourselves.” Daphne said.

Justin turned to look at the artist. The man was a troll. He stood maybe 5’2” and was not very attractive. Though one could look past all that once they saw the beauty of his work.

“Cool.” Justin said and took Daphne’s hand.

“Ring…Ring…”

“Shit, that’s my cell. Hold on.” Daphne said pulling her hand out of Justin’s.

She looked at the incoming number. It was Brian. She took a deep breath and prepared for her role. She flipped the phone open and put it to her ear.

“Hey Cari, what’s up?” She said.

“Very good Daph. You’ve got 20 minutes to get him here.” Brian said.

Justin heard the odd conversation Daphne was having. It sounded like her friend Cari was in some sort of trouble.

She shut the phone and turned to Justin with an anxious look.

“I’m sorry Justin, I have to cut out. Cari is in trouble, she wants me to come get her.” She said.

Justin raised his eyebrow. Something wasn’t ringing true here.

“What trouble.” He asked suspiciously.

Daphne fumbled in her pocketbook looking for her car keys, averting her eyes as she talked.

“She had a date tonight and thought she wanted to have sex with this guy, but now she’s changed her mind and he’s not being very cooperative. She’s at the Empire Hotel. She wants me to come get her.” Daphne said retrieving her car keys.

“I’m sorry to have to cut our evening short. You can stay; I’ll go get her. I’m sure this guy isn’t really dangerous.” Daphne bluffed. She knew her friend too well to think he’d ever let her go into a situation that might be dangerous.

“No fucking way. I’m coming with you. Lets go.” Justin said.

Justin grabbed her hand and led her out to the parking lot. Daphne smiled behind his back.

Yip. She was missing her calling. Fuck medicine, she should be an actress!

 

*********************************************************************

 

Abigail Elizabeth Ann Preston-Dolton rose slowly from her chair to answer the knock at her hotel door.

She reached for her cane and straightened her shoulders, smoothing down her peach colored silk tunic before she attended to her caller.

She knew who it was before she opened the door. The young man had visited her a short time ago and convinced her to come here tonight. Not that she needed convincing. They thought her an old stubborn fool, ignorant to the ways of life. Little did they know.

But “He” knew. And he had the fortitude and character to approach her. He had already gained her respect.

She opened the door and was taken aback. She remembered how handsome he was from his last visit, but tonight, he was downright devastating. He was exquisite in his expensive black Armani suit, and blood red silk shirt. The man was way too good looking for his own good. Ah if she were only 60 years younger…….not that it would matter she slyly reminder herself.

“Punctual.” She said in form of a greeting.

Brian smiled at the woman.

“Well you know its common knowledge that we “serious young men” like to be on time. Especially when we have the pleasure of entertaining such a lovely, and may I add, stunning lady of your stature. Christian Dior?” Brian asked referring to Mrs. Preston-Dolton’s evening attire.

She gave him a haughty look. “And here I thought you “serious young men” were well educated in high fashion.” She lightly admonished.

“Michelle Roth. Couture.” She corrected.

Brian raised his eyebrow. “I’m impressed.” He said in all sincerity.

Mrs. Preston-Dolton stepped aside and waved Brian in. He entered and turned to face her.

“Are the accommodations to your liking?” He asked.

“Yes, thank you. Martha’s room is acceptable as well.” She said, referring to her personal assistant. Brian had made accommodations for them both. The woman never traveled with out her.

Brian nodded. “I’m glad. If there is anything you need, please…”

Mrs. Preston-Dolton startled him by laughing, causing him to stop, mid sentence.

“You’re nervous.” She accused.

Brian had the good grace to blush.

“How can I not be? In a very short time, you are going to be entering a world you are completely unfamiliar with. Agreeing to come is one thing, but actually being part of the celebrations, might offend your sensibilities, despite your resolve that it won’t. You might feel differently once you arrive.” Brian said truthfully.

The old woman actually huffed. Which was very out of character for her.

“Nonsense. Do you think I’ve not been around ‘serious young men’ before?” She asked.

Brian was about to answer when she interrupted him.

“We’ve had ‘serious young men in my family for years. It’s just not discussed in polite company.” She pointed out.

“My point exactly. You won’t be in ‘polite’ company tonight. For lack of a better word. You’ll be in the company of some of the finest people Justin and I know, but they are not blue bloods. And most of them are of the ‘serious nature’” Brian explained. He truly found it amusing that she wouldn’t use the word gay or homosexual. No, they were ‘serious young men’ or people of ‘serious natures.’

“As serious as you?’” She asked.

Brian laughed. “No one is as ‘serious’ as me.” He answered with a sexy smirk.

She gave him a brilliant smile and Brian was struck at the resemblance.

“Well then, I say it’s time you escorted me to this celebration.” She said and lifted her elbow for Brian to take.

Brian took her arm and led her to the door. He knew in his heart, he had made the right decision.

They walked to the elevator and stepped inside.

Brian turned to her and smiled once the doors closed.

“Someone has great taste.” He said.

“Nice pearls………”


	60. I Celebrate You

“I want to hear the thunder I'm so quick to steal  
Listen to the dreams you're dreaming and celebrate you  
Let me show you what a treasure you are  
A priceless gift from heaven to this thankful heart  
I want to take this lifetime to celebrate you  
I want to celebrate you”

~ Steven Curtis Chapman

 

Brian and Mrs. Preston-Dolton exited the elevator just as Daphne and Justin were entering the hotel.

“Fuck!” Brian said under his breath.

The expletive did not go unheard.

Mrs. Preston-Dolton turned her attention to the cause of Brian’s outburst.

Justin.

She grabbed Brian’s arm and ushered him in the opposite direction.

Brian blindly followed, surprised at the speed, and strength of this woman. She used her cane to propel them down the hallway as quickly as her wobbly legs would let her.

Brian was impressed.

Once they were out of sight, Brian turned to her.

“You are just full of surprises, aren’t you?” He said teasingly.

She gave him a wicked smile. “A lady usually is.” She said.

“Do you think he saw us?” She asked turning around to see if Justin had spotted them.

Brian looked over her shoulder.

“I don’t think so. But the plan was for us to be in the hall before they arrived. Now that’s shot. I told Daphne 20 minutes!” Brian complained.

“Well my dear man, it’s been my experience that when plans go awry, one should get a new plan.” She wisely advised.

Brian furrowed his brow in concentration. She was right. Justin was walking into his surprise celebration, and Brian wasn’t there to greet him. Instead, the gang would greet him and they had no fucking clue as to what the celebration was about. Other than a second birthday party for Justin.

He needed another plan….

 

********************************************************

Daphne dragged Justin down the hall to the Aladdin room where the party was being held. She told Justin that Cari said to meet her there because she was hiding from her date.

Justin had a hard time believing her. Being at the Empire hotel again was eerie. He was not surprised that Cari was here. Many students came here for their sexual trysts. But meeting her inside the Aladdin? The room had so many memories for him. It was conceivable, but Justin could not believe it was mere coincidence. Something was up.

Daphne reached the closed doors and turned around to Justin with a huge smile on her face.

It hit him them.

“What the fuck are you up to Daph?” He asked.

“Hey, don’t blame me. Blame your boyfriend.” She said then threw the doors open wide.

Justin stepped inside.

His jaw dropped.

The room was decorated in the oddest fashion. It looked like a country picnic had exploded onto a debutante’s ball.

 

The gang was all there, though no one noticed his entrance. Deb and Vic were fussing over the long elegant banquet table. Michael and Emmett were talking to some hot waiter. His mother, Molly, fuck, just about everyone he knew was there! Except Brian.

“Shit, I’m too early.” He vaguely heard Daphne say beside him.

Gus was the first to notice him. The little boy squealed in delight and ran up to him.

“Jussin! Apphy Birphay!” He blurted out and jumped into Justin’s arm.

“Gus!” Justin greeted the boy and picked him up. He looked adorable in his little designer suit. It had Brian written all over it.

“Another birthday party?” He asked the boy, as if the child could explain this strange turn of events.

Lindsey was next to spot Justin. She walked up to him and kissed his cheek. When she pulled back, Justin could see pity in her eyes.

He gave her a quizzical look. She shrugged her shoulders.

“It was Brian’s idea.” She said taking Gus from his arms.

Justin frowned in confusion. What the fuck was Brian up to? He looked around the room again.

Waiters dressed in tuxedos roamed the dining hall carrying platters of food and wine. Floral arrangements of every sort could be seen everywhere and there was even a band setting up. He noticed that everyone was dressed as if they were going to a wedding.

A wedding……..A WEDDING?!....

That mother fucker! Justin screamed in his head. He was going to kill him this time. Of course it looked like a wedding; this was Brian’s idea of how to burst Lindsey’s fantasy bubble. He was staging a fake wedding. Only question left unanswered now was.. who was the intended victim?

 

“Hey Justin, um,, you’re a bit early but SURPRISE!” Michael came up behind Lindsey.

Justin narrowed his eyes.

“Where… Is…. He…?” He asked, drawing out each word through gritted teeth.

Michael swallowed nervously. This was not going good.

“He didn’t expect you this early.” Michael shot an accusing look at Daphne.

“Hey, don’t blame me! He insisted on driving, you know what a speed freak he is!” She defended herself.

The rest of the gang noticed the exchange and joined them.

“Oh honey, Brian will be so disappointed he wasn’t here. He wanted to surprise you.” His mother said.

Justin was fuming. “Mother, do you know what this is about?” He asked accusingly.

She shot him a reproachful look. “Don’t you take that tone with me young man. I think you need to calm down before jumping to conclusions.” She said, not knowing exactly why Justin was so upset but refusing to let his over active imagination ruin all of Brian’s hard work.

“Don’t tell me not to jump to conclusions! I want to know where the fuck is he!” He practically screamed.

“JUSTIN!”

Justin whirled around at the commanding voice calling his name.

Shock and shame fell across his face.

“You are NEVER to talk to your mother in that fashion again, do you understand me? I would think you were raised better than that.” The imposing elder said.

All eyes turned to her, everyone held their breath.

Brian stood behind the voice that boomed, and shook his head.

So much for plan B.

“Nana!” Justin called out in shock.

The elderly woman smiled and held her arms open. Justin walked into them in total shock and confusion.

She gave him a quick hug then released him. It was such a ‘waspish’ move Brian thought.

Justin stepped back and looked over at Brian. His eyes then returned to his Nana’s.

“What are you doing here?” He asked.

“Is that the greeting you give your grandmother? I would think you’d be happy to see me.” She said.

Justin blushed. “Of course I am! I’m just surprised.” Justin explained.

“That was the whole point. Though I have to say it was I who was surprised when Mr. Kinney showed up at my door in Boston. I was expecting the introduction to come from you my dear boy, not from your partner.” She said, shocking Justin even more.

She had called Brian his partner.

The old woman laughed. “Don’t look so shocked. You’ve been talking about your ‘gentleman friend’ for several years now. I was wondering when I was going to meet him. I’m glad he made the first move and came to introduce himself to me. He showed fine character in doing so.” She proclaimed.

Justin looked over at Brian with such gratitude in his eyes, it humbled Brian.

He looked back at his Nana. “And you’re ok, with, um, you know…” Justin stammered.

“With what? The fact that you are a ‘serious young man?’ She asked.

Justin took a deep breath. “Yes.” He said resolutely.

Nana sighed. “My dear boy, you act like you’re the only one of your disposition to ever grace the earth. I’ve been around; I’ve met many people of many different persuasions. Including those in our own family. You are not the first. We just don’t discuss such matters Justin, you know this. Just like we don’t discuss your Aunt Edna’s affairs, or your Uncle George’s penchant for wearing women’s underwear. Lord knows though I spend a fortune every year on Christmas gifts for that man.” Nana said.

Justin didn’t think he could be more shocked.

“Uncle George wears women’s underwear?! I thought those gifts were for Aunt Clare!” Justin asked incredulously.

She gave him a sly look. “Of course they were.” She countered with a Cheshire cat smile.

“Justin, our family has always been very reserved when it comes to divulging family matters. It does not mean we approve or disapprove. It’s just who we are.” His Nana said.

“Nana, you have no idea how much your approval means to me.” Justin said close to tears.

“Who said I approve?” She shot a mischievous look over her shoulder at Brian.

“He’s way too old for you.” She huffed.

Everyone laughed, and the tension suddenly left room.

“I keep telling him that.” Brian said smiling at Justin.

“He does have excellent taste however. Not only did he pick you my dear boy, he picked these exquisite Tahiti un-cultured pearls.” She announced, gently putting her fingers to her neck so to draw attention to them.

Brian winched. Tahiti un-cultured pearls went for about a grand each pearl. The woman was wearing an impressive string of them around her neck. He shot Justin a menacing look. Justin didn’t flinch.

Oh well, the woman wore them well. Brian had to admire that. Those pearls lay against her neck as if they were made to reside there. She had class, and she was vain, Brian thought with amusement. She made sure everyone’s attention was drawn to her neck.

Justin wasn’t about to rain on Brian’s parade and tell Nana that he was the one who purchased them, not Brian.

When he gave the pearls to her he told her they were from his ‘gentleman friend’. Now that he thought about it, he’d been throwing little hints for a while now. He had wanted Nana to be impressed by Brian. He knew he would have to deal with Brian’s wrath over the cost at some point.   
But he had hoped that perhaps someday, the two would meet. And when they did, she would already have a favorable impression of him.

As it turned out, or more accurately, as Brian arranged it, that day was today, on his birthday. And from the looks of it, she did have a very favorable impression of him. All Brian had to do was make the first move and introduce himself. Justin was so proud of Brian, and so happy that Nana was actually here, with ALL his friends, celebrating his birthday!

Talk about a great gift.

Justin shook his head to clear his thoughts. Nana was here, where were his manners!

He made his apologies and quickly introduced his Nana to his ‘other’ family.

They all took an instant liking to her and her to them. Ben led Nana over to her place at the Dias. Justin noticed there were several place settings at that particular table.

Brian watched the small gang retreat with Justin’s grandmother.

So far, so good he thought.

He came up behind Justin and wrapped his arms around his waist. He rested his chin on his shoulder.

“So? How do you like it?” He asked.

Justin looked out across the room.

“It looks like Wal-Mart’s threw up all over Saks Fifth Avenue.” Justin said.

Brian laughed. “That bad huh?”

Justin studied the room again. He didn’t need an artist eye to interpret Brian’s handiwork.

“It’s a beautiful mess.” He said, leaning back against Brian.

Brian sighed. “Like us.” He said.

“Yes, like us…” Justin agreed.

“Bri, what’s this about? Is this about Lindsey?” He asked quietly.

He knew Brian too well to not know that there was much more than a second birthday party going on here.

“Why do you always have to be such a twat?” Brian said exasperated.

“This is about US. Not Lindsey.” He said.

Justin turned to look at him.

“I don’t understand.”

Brian looked down into Justin’s eyes and smiled.

“You will.” He said, then grabbed Justin’s hand and led him to the Dias.

“Sit with your Nana and Mother, I need to talk to the band.” Brian said leaving Justin up on the Dias.

He took his seat by his Grandmother. Rena, Deb, Michael and Jennifer were also seated at the Dias. There was a high chair at the end for Gus, though right now Gus was too busy running around the hall.

The waiters were pouring champagne, very expensive champagne Justin noticed, while other waiters were carrying around trays of hors D'oeuvres.

The band was warming up. Justin spied Brian talking to a woman who appeared to be the singer of the band if her sparkled attire was any indication.

He leaned over and whispered to Rena…”What the fuck is this about?” He asked.

Rena shrugged. “You know Bean, he has to do things his way.” She answered.

“Yeah, but what ‘thing?’ He’s making me nervous as hell.” Justin said.

Rena sighed. “You are the ‘thing’ sweetie. Now just sit back and enjoy yourself. This is your day, remember?” She said trying to reassure him.

“Tap, tap…” The sound of Brian tapping his fingers on the microphone to see if it was working echoed through out the hall.

“I’m guessing this is on. Can everyone hear me?” Brian spoke into the mic.

A chorus of “yeah, and yeses” filled the room.

“Good. First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for coming tonight. Especially Justin’s Grandmother.” He said.

Everyone gave a round of applause. Nana acknowledged the appreciation with a slight nod of her head.

Brian continued.

“I’d also like to thank everyone who helped me pull this off. Emmett, amazing job with the flowers, Mel and Linds, for working with the hotel staff on my behalf to create this ‘beautiful mess’, as Justin called it.” He said.

That elicited a round of laughter from the guests.

“Deb and Vic for their special brand of cooking. Justin, Deb made sure to make all your favorites.”

Justin leaned over and gave Deb a kiss on the cheek. Everyone applauded.

“And I’d like to give special thanks to my best friend Mikey, not only for finding the most hottest waiters this side of the Pitts, but for actually keeping his big mouth shut this time and not spoiling the surprise.”

Everyone laughed at that, while Michael pretended to be offended.

“Now I know most of you are curious as to why I threw this party. Some of you believe that my intentions behind this shindig are let’s say, questionable. I can’t blame you. I never throw parties without some ulterior motive behind them, but let me assure you…..this time…” He paused for affect.

”Is no different.” He said pleased with the nervous response he got from the crowd.

“Most of you know me well enough to know I don’t do birthdays. And though it’s Justin’s birthday today, this is not what this celebration is about.” Brian announced.

“The only things worth celebrating are accomplishments, and those rare joyous events that happen to you in your life no matter how much of a fuck up you are. Like becoming a father.” Brian said as he lovingly watched his son run around the hall.

Adam squeezed Shane’s hand under the table they were sitting at. He knew exactly how Brian felt. Soon, he’d be a father too.

Justin’s eyes misted. Brian was going to tell their family about the baby they were having. This was Brian’s way of ‘celebrating’ the life they were bringing into the world. He was so filled with emotion, he could barely contain himself.

Rena reached over and took his hand into her own. Her own eyes were suspiciously misty.

“Well, this is one of those rare occasions.” Brian said.

He turned to look at Justin.

“Justin, today I celebrate you.” He said.

The room got so quiet; you could hear a pin drop. Justin’s heart jumped in his chest.

“Not because it’s your birthday, but because you were born.” He said.

A small gasp reverberated in the room. Brian believed it came from Lindsey. He looked around the hall; he had everyone anxiously awaiting is next words.

He turned his attention back to Justin.

“Listen to me Sunshine, are you listening?” He asked holding Justin’s gaze so that it was just the two of them. The guest faded into the background as they focused on each other.

Justin numbly nodded his head. He felt like he was in a dream, more like a spell actually. A spell that Brian was weaving around them.

“I'm no stranger to your gentle reminders that the world does not revolve around me.” He said half jokingly.

“You smile and my world disappears until there is nothing left but you. You are a priceless gift that I most assuredly don’t deserve, but am thankful for non the less.” Brian paused to take a deep breath.

“That is why tonight, I celebrate you.”

A lump formed in Justin’s throat. He squeezed Rena’s hand tight, just to remind him he wasn’t dreaming. She squeezed his hand back reassuringly. He could hear her sniffling beside him, she was crying. But his eyes remained glued to the love of his life.

“Though I don’t think I can celebrate you properly in just one night. It would take a lifetime, my lifetime, to celebrate all that you are, all that you do and all that you bring into our world.” Brian said, his voice barely holding up.

He cleared his throat before continuing.

“And in that lifetime I want to share your laughter and your tears. I want to share your joys at your achievements, and your disappointments at your failures. Though knowing you, they’ll be very little of them.” Brian stepped down off the mini stage and approached Justin.

“And of course being the selfish prick that I am, I’m taking this opportunity to celebrate us.” Brian said reaching out to take Justin’s hand.

Justin stood up to face him. He let go of Rena’s hand and placed his hand in Brian’s.

All eyes were glued on them, even the waiters had stopped busing around and stood, mesmerized by the sight of the two beautiful men standing, facing each other, a love so profound surrounded them that it was tangible. Everyone was touched by it.

“Justin, WE, are an accomplishment. Something to be celebrated. Against all odds and God knows they were stacked against us, we managed to hold on. But then again, as you so often remind me, the choice was never ours. We’re predestined to be. What ever that may mean in our own fucked up non conformist relationship.” He said smiling.

Brian led Justin out onto the dance floor. Justin followed him, in his dream state. It was all too surreal for him.

He took him into his arms, poised for a dance.

“Justin, will you join me in celebrating us?” Brian asked.

It took all of Justin’s effort, all of his will, to remain standing. He was so fucking blown away by Brian’s question; he thought his heart would burst. His eyes never left Brian’s as he gave him his answer.

“Only if you give me a lifetime to do it properly.” Justin said through choked tears, repeating Brian’s words.

“I will.” Brian whispered to him.

He looked over at the band and signaled them to start playing.

Brian danced with Justin to the sultry words of Wilson Pickett’s

_“Hello Sunshine.”_

_Hello Sunshine  
(Hello)  
So glad to see you Sunshine  
Hello Sunshine  
(Hello)  
It’s been dark for a very long time._

_I can’t explain what I’ve been through  
(No, no)  
Trying to live my life without you  
People say I act so strange  
(Oh yeah)  
But you got the power to make me change_

_Hello Sunshine  
(Hello)  
I’m so glad to see you Sunshine  
Hello Sunshine  
(Hello)  
It’s been dark for a very long time_

_Without you Sunshine  
The world is such a lonely place  
And with out you Sunshine  
My heart was filled with an empty space_

_Without you Sunshine  
The wind and the rain  
The wonders of spring  
Don’t mean a thing_

_Now I know everything is alright  
No more pain, no more sleepless nights  
(Oh yeah)  
My days were dark, but now I see  
(Oh yeah)  
Because my Sunshine has come home to me._

 

They danced until the last verse was sung. The woman in the sparkle dress put her heart and soul into the song, affected by the obvious love between the two beautiful men dancing.

Every eye in the room was fixed on the two beautiful men dancing. They moved together in perfect harmony.

When the music ended, Brian kissed Justin hungrily. Thunderous applause filled the hall accompanied by more than one cat whistle. Most of these came from the waiters.

When Brian finally pulled away from Justin, he saw his boy was crying. Big whopping tears of joy.

“Easy Sunshine,..” He whispered into his ear.

“You’ll ruin my best Armani suit.”

Justin laughed and whipped his tears away.

Brian looked around the room for Gus. He spotted him over by the food table, on tiptoes, trying to see what goodies were there.

“Gus.” He called over to him.

Gus turned with a guilty look over at his father. Brian smiled at him.

“Come bring Justin’s gift. It’s time.” He said.

The boy squealed in delight and ran towards his Mama.

Mel had the gift, Brian had given it to her to hold on to. He told Gus when the time came, to go to Mama, (Lindsey was Mommy), and get the gift so Daddy could give it to Justin.

The boy was smart. He knew his role, and had pride in having such a big responsibility. Mel handed him the gift and Gus ran over to his father with the box in his hand.

Brian picked up his son and kissed him. They both turned to Justin.

“Give Justin his gift sonny boy.” He said.

Justin could hear the subtle strain in Brian’s voice. He was nervous about giving him this gift. Justin very carefully took the box that Gus held out him.

He just held it, afraid to open it. Brian was watching him intently.

“Open Jussin, Open!” Gus blurted out, breaking the tense moment.

Justin laughed. “I guess I better open it.” He said to Brian.

“I guess you better.” Brian countered.

Justin gently tore the wrapping off, and then opened the box.

He gasped.

Gus leaned over to see what was in the box. Everyone in the room was straining to see what was in the box.

Brian’s eyes remained fixed on Justin’s. Waiting for his reaction, his response.

Justin couldn’t speak, he couldn’t move. His eyes traveled to Brian’s wrist. Brian saw the direction his gaze took and smiled to himself.

Justin looked back at the contents of the box.

He then looked up into Brian’s eyes. “Bri…” He said, afraid to say anymore…

“Yeah.” Brian said, answering Justin’s silent question.

“Yeah?” Justin asked, still bemused, and overwhelmed.

“Yeah.” Brian repeated, more firmly this time.

Inside the box, was an exact replica of Brian’s cowry bracelet.

Brian kissed Gus on the top of his head. “Good job sonny boy.” He said then put the boy down. Gus beamed and hugged his fathers’ legs. He then ran off to find something else to do now that his role was over, and he’d done good.

Justin took the bracelet out of the box and held it up.

“Read the inscription.” Brian said.

Justin threw the empty box onto a nearby table and turned the bracelet over to read the inscription.

“If lost, please return to owner. Brian Kinney.”

Justin looked up at Brian, his face shone with total joy, and wonder.

Brian undid his own bracelet and handed it to Justin.

Justin took it from him.

“Read the inscription.” He repeated.

Justin turned Brian’s bracelet over and read.

“If lost, please return to owner, Justin Taylor.”

Tears flowed from Justin’s eyes. He couldn’t stop them if he tried.

Brian took the bracelet he bought for Justin from him and proceeded to attach it to his wrist.

He then held his own wrist out, urging Justin to put his bracelet back on him.

Justin managed, through blurry eyes, to refasten Brian’s bracelet to his wrist.

When it was secured, Brian once and took Justin into his arms and kissed him. Only this time, the kiss was more possessive, and demanding.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

When they parted, they were both breathing heavy.

“Oh, and one more thing.” Brian said.

Justin couldn’t imagine what more there could be.

“You smell good…” He said.

Justin blinked, not sure if he heard right. Then it hit him. The conversation they had at the clinic while waiting for Lucy. He was teasing Brian that day.

 

“I love you, you know. And since you also love me, this is the part where you can   
say something ridiculously romantic like, "I love you too.”

“Or you can say something less obvious, but equally romantic like…”You smell good."

Justin threw his head back and laughed. Brian laughed with him.

“How ridiculous romantic of you.” Justin said.

 

Lindsey got up from her table and ran out of the room.

The next few moments were pandemonium. Everyone rushed the couple anxious to give their well wishes. No one dared congratulate them; they knew Brian too well for that. They just hugged and kissed, and said how nice the gift was, and how wonderful the ‘celebration’ was. And of course, wishes for many many more “Celebrations” to come.

Mikey couldn’t stop crying. Rena was a mess herself. She nearly crushed Justin and Brian in her over enthusiastic hug. John had to pry her away from them.

Adam approached the happy couple, an envelop in his hands.

“Do you think you’re ready for your next gift?” He asked Brian, his own eyes suspiciously moist.

Brian took the envelop from Adam’s hand. “Thanks.” He said.

Adam smiled. “You owe me for this one. I’m probably going to have to fuck Judge Mason for this favor. The woman smells like old moth balls, not to mention she looks like one too.” He said.

Brian laughed. “I knew you could do it.” He said.

Adam nodded his head in acknowledgement of the compliment. He left the happy couple to look at the contents of the envelope.

“I don’t think I can take any more surprises Brian. What’s in the envelope?” Justin asked. His heart was overflowing as it was.

“We can go over them later.” Brian said.

“Right now, I feel like dancing.” Brian put the envelope inside his breast pocket and twirled Justin around.

The band picked up on the festive mood and played the song “Celebration”.

Everyone started dancing. The mood was beyond festive. Justin and Brian’s happiness was infectious and everyone was high on it.

Mel approached Brian and Justin carrying a sleepy Gus as they danced on the floor.

She tapped Brian on the shoulder. He turned to look at her. Her breath caught in her throat. She had never seen him happier. It was eerie, and beautiful. For the first time in her life, Mel saw beauty, and love in Brian fucking Kinney. Something she NEVER thought she’d ever see.

“We’re leaving. Actually Lindsey already left.” She said.

“I’m so sorry Mel.” Justin said reaching out for her.

“Don’t.” Brian said.

“This wasn’t about Lindsey, Mel. But if it set her straight, it’s for the best.” Brian said.

Mel sighed. “I know. She had to face the truth sooner or later. And I’m glad to see you finally own up to it Kinney.” She said trying to hide her smile. She couldn’t help but be affected by their joy.

Brian sighed. “I’m not going to live this down with the family, am I?” He said defeated.

“Not a fucking chance Kinney!” Mel said laughing.

Brian huffed.

“I better get going.” She said.

Brian and Justin kissed Gus goodbye.

“Mel, she’ll be fine. I promise you. I know Lindsey. She’s made of strong stuff. But for now, I think it’s best I deal with you concerning Gus.” Brian suggested.

Mel nodded in agreement.

“I don’t want to ignore her, but some space is in order. At least until she comes to terms with us.” He said.

“You’re right. It’s not your concern now though. Let me worry about Lins. Hold on to your happiness Bri. It looks good on you.” Mel said.

“As if anything wouldn’t look good on me.” Brian made a face.

Mel laughed and said her goodnights.

Brian turned back to Justin and pulled him to him. He grinded against him in rhythm to the music.

Justin threw his head back and laughed.

“You are so fucking bad! You know Nana is probably watching our every move?” He said.

“I have a feeling Nana has seen a lot worse in her day.” Brian predicted.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck.

“Thank you.” He said. Every emotion he had poured into those two simple little words.

Brian smiled and kissed him.

“You know we are sooo going to take one of these hot waiters home.” Brian said, reverting back to his rebel self.

Justin laughed.

“Anything you say dear……..:” He answered.


	61. Mr. Corporation

“When, according to habit, I was contemplating the stars in a clear sky, I noticed a new and unusual star, surpassing the other stars in brilliancy. There had never before been any star in that place in the sky.”

 

~Tycho Brahe

 

 

“That was one hell of a Wedd….”

“Celebration.” Ted corrected Emmett.

Emmett looked over at Ted who was sitting besides him in the booth at the diner.

“Whateevveerr….” Emmett drawled then winched at the sound of his own voice.

“Jesus I have GOT to stop partying with Kinney. I’m too old for this shit. How does he do it?” Emmett took a piece of ice out from his water glass and ran it over his forehead.

“When was the last time you partied with Brian?” Ted asked.

“The night before Thanksgiving, when I found out James took off, without saying goodbye.” Emmett’s voice sounded very raspy.

“Still hasn’t called you yet, huh?” Ted asked, sympathetically.

“Fuck him.” Emmett snapped.

Ted just nodded his head and changed the subject.

“Speaking of ‘fuck hims..’. I couldn’t believe Justin last night!” Ted said, bringing the conversation back to the Celebration last night.

That perked Emmett up. “I KNOW! Well he was pretty wasted. Who wasn’t?” Emmett smiled at the memory.

“I wasn’t.” Ben said as he and Michael slipped into the booth opposite the two boys.

“Well someone had to keep an eye on little Mikey here.” Emmett teased.

Michael blushed. “Shut up Em, I’m already in deep shit.” He pouted

Ben threw him a stern look. “I shouldn’t have let you drink so much. You were totally out of control.” Ben admonished gently.

“It was all Justin’s fault!” Michael whined.

“Justin didn’t make you drink as much as you did.” Ben reminded Michael.

“Yes, I admit I drank a bit too much. But for good reason! Brian’s my best friend! Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d be attending his Wedd…”

“Celebration.” Ted corrected.

Emmett and Ben laughed.

“Yeah, “Celebration.” Michael conceded.

“So that’s why you and Justin dragged that waiter into the bathroom.” Emmett said cattily.

Ben shook his head. Michael lowered his.

“It sure pissed Brian off.” Ted said.

“We were only fooling around!” Michael defended.

“Uh hummm… And there in laid the problem.” Emmett quipped.

Michael shot him a menacing look.

He was still pissed at Justin for talking him into dragging that hot waiter into the Bathroom. It was suppose to be a joke, but the waiter was hot for them, and somehow, clothes were being torn off. Their clothes! The waiter was having his way with the both of them and they were too drunk to stop him.

When Brian and Ben found them, they were half naked on the floor of the bathroom, laughing hysterically, trying very unsuccessfully to fend off the over amorous waiter. It was a scene. One that nearly everyone there witness.

They must have created quite a commotion, because they drew a crowd. Everyone was amused by their antics.

Everyone but Brian and Ben.

Ben was sober, so he handled it better. Brian however, was pretty drunk himself, and he flipped out. It was a total Jerry Springer moment.

Michael had to hand it to Justin though. While he felt shame at being caught in such an embarrassing position, Justin tried talking Brian into joining them.

That really pissed Brian off.

“Your little prank started a major fight between Justin and Brian, and on their Wedd..”

“Celebration.” Ted corrected.

Ben shot him a look. “Ok, on their “Celebration” day.” Ben finished.

Emmett laughed. “I thought there was going to be a divorce before the Wedd…”

“Celebration.” Ted once again corrected.

“FINE, God you’re getting annoying.” Emmett reached into the water glass and threw a piece of ice at Ted.

Ted ducked.

“Before their “celebration” even began.” Emmett finished his thought.

“Come on, it all turned out fine in the end. Brian and Justin were all over each other by the time they left. I don’t see the big deal. It was just a prank gone bad.” Michael defended.

“Point is, it could have gotten very ugly, if not for Nana intervening. That woman has major balls.” Ben said.

They had all gained major respect for the elder last night.

Brian and Justin got into a major brawl over Justin and Michael’s prank. It wasn’t that Brian objected to Justin celebrating last night with a piece of hot waiter, in fact, it was revealed during their very public argument that they had intended to take one home.

Ben smiled at the memory of shocked faces. It was after all, a Kinney/Taylor affair. There was never anything conventional about their relationship, why should they expect it to be now?

However, that was not why Brian was pissed. He was pissed because not only did Justin not consult with him first about the waiter of choice, but he dragged Michael into it. Or so he claimed that was why he was mad. Ben had his suspicions though, as did everyone else.

Brian was acting very much like the jealous ‘husband’ at that point.

“It was pretty comical when you think about it.” Emmett said.

The four men looked at each other warily then all started to laugh.

“Am I the only one with a hangover?” Rena said approaching the table.

“Move.” She ordered abruptly and slid her ass down next to Michael.

“Jesus Rena I can’t believe you’re up! You were nearly passed out last night! Ben had to put you AND John into a cab. Speaking of John, where is he?” Michael asked.

“Still home sleeping.” She smiled wickedly at him through swollen slits where her eyes were hiding. “Whimp.”

They all laughed.

“Rena you look like shit. What are you doing here?” Michael asked.

“Shane is at Adam’s, John is passed out, James is still on assignment, and Viv, Tom and Margot never came home last night. God knows what happened to them. I was in desperate need of painkillers. Mind you I HAD some, but Margot cleaned me out.” Rena complained then flopped her head down on the table onto her folded arms.

Michael rubbed her back. “Poor baby. Come on, I’ll take you home.” He said.

“I have a cab waiting outside. I just came in for coffee. Got my aspirin.” She said and lifted her head. She put her hand in her coat pocket and pulled out a bottle and waved it at him.

“I gather then you haven’t heard form the newly weds yet?” Michael said.

Ted huffed. “I give up!”

“Actually I did. I rolled over and called Bean this morning and asked him if he would bring me some aspirin. He told me to fuck off he was getting laid and hung up. Nice brother huh?” Rena said. It was obvious she was still feeling the effects of last nights over indulgence.

“I can’t believe you called him this morning, of ALL mornings and asked him to run an errand for you!” Emmett said laughing.

“You are a devious woman.” He accused.

Rena smiled at him.

“Well it was as good an excuse as any to call. I wanted to make sure they were all right. They were both pretty fucked up last night.” She said.

“We all were.” Emmett said.

“Some more than others.” Ben said throwing Michael a reproachful look.

Rena laughed, and then grimaced.

“Don’t make me laugh Ben. I’m in too much pain. Besides, it was truly harmless. The whole night was very emotional for everyone, but especially for Brian and Justin. They were just blowing off steam. You can’t blame Mikey. Justin is a force to be reckoned with when he gets his mind to something. He planned that little scene and he needed Mikey to help him execute it. He was purposely provoking Brian.” Rena said.

Everyone looked at her in shock.

“Wait, you mean he USED me to provoke Brian?” Michael said indignant. He thought the idea of dragging the waiter into the bathroom was totally impromptu.

Rena sighed. “Sorry Mikey, but yeah. Justin has his way of dealing with Brian. You see, Brian had suggested they bring a waiter home last night.” Rena said.

“Yeah, we heard. But Justin didn’t seem pissed. He seemed like he was all for it.” Ted said confused.

“Justin wasn’t pissed. And if Brian really wanted to take a waiter home, Justin would have been more than happy to. But he didn’t want Brian to do something just because he felt he had to prove something to himself, or anyone. So he staged that scene with the waiter. It could have gone either one of two ways. Brian was either going to throw Mikey out of the bathroom so he and Justin could fuck the waiter, or Brian was going to realize he really didn’t want to take that waiter home, and get angry. As we all witnessed, Brian chose the latter.” Rena explained.

Everyone at the booth was stunned. Those two truly had the weirdest relationship.

“Actually, now that I think of it. Justin did seem a little overly pleased with himself.” Ben said.

“Pleased? The boy was downright jubilant! The more Brian yelled at him, the more Justin goaded him! It was like he was getting off on Brian’s anger.” Emmett stated.

“He was.” Rena said yawning.

“You know, you’re right!” Ted chimed in.

“I thought for sure Justin was going to flip out when Brian asked him if he was going to continue being a cheating prick the rest of his life.” Ted recalled.

“Oh, ohhh. Do you remember Justin’s reply to that?” Emmett said excitedly.

Michael groaned. He remembered.

“He said how else am I going to keep up with a whore like you.” Michael repeated Justin’s words.

“Well thank God for Nana. It was getting out of hand. Justin was too drunk to be playing that kind of game with Brian, and Brian wasn’t in any better condition.” Ben said.

“I’m afraid you’re right. Jesus, that woman has grit! She’s got Viv beat.” Rena said.

“Margot nearly peed herself when she heard that little old lady tell those two, and I quote,

“I didn’t come all the way from Boston to watch a couple of queens debase themselves in a drunken brawl! You are men of “serious natures.” ACT IT.”

Emmett tried to imitate Nana’s Boston accent.

Everyone laughed.

“It worked. Both Justin and Brian looked ashamed. It seemed to sober them up a bit.” Ben said.

“Not nearly enough for Brian not to smash Vic’s beautiful cake into Justin’s face.” Emmett said.

They all laughed again.

“Though you have to admit it was hot watching Brian lick the cake off of Justin’s face.” Emmett said with a sly look.

Everyone paused for a moment, remembering the scene. Brian had playfully smashed his cake onto Justin’s face, then very seductively licked it all off. It was very erotic. Margot blurted out something to the affect, “God they’re not going to fuck are they?”

“Uncle Vic out did himself, that cake was delicious!” Michael said, breaking the spell.

“It was the perfect Wedd…”

Ted started to correct Emmett but Emmett put his hand up.

“Before you say anything, even you can’t deny that cake had wedding written all over it.” Emmett said.

Ted frowned and sank back into his seat.

The cake was an elegant sheet cake with a simple mark on it.

A capital B with a capital J woven through it. Connected, interwoven. It did scream union.

“Fine, you can tell Brian how much you enjoyed his WEDDING then.” Ted smirked at Emmett.

Emmett cringed and sank back against the booth. “I may be many things, but stupid isn’t one of them.” He said.

Rena got up to leave. “Smart man Em. By the way, do you know where Tom, Viv and Margot went?” She asked.

“I believe Tom drove them to New York. Viv and Margot got it in their heads to visit a friend of theirs who lives there.” Emmett said.

Rena sighed. “She could have least called. Wait, maybe she did. I haven’t checked my messages.” Rena said out loud, though she was talking to herself.

“I’m sure she left a message sweetie. You go home and rest. Don’t come out of the house looking like that again, unless it’s Halloween.” Emmett teased.

Rena made a face at him and left.

“Well boys, I’m going to the gym for a nice steam. Anyone care to join me?” Emmett said.

“Steam? Or Ream?” Ted teased.

“I’ll have you know that I am dedicated to the health of my body first, it’s not always about sex Theodore.” Emmett huffed.

“Really? So it was all about your body’s health last night when that Waiter took you home as consolation prize, right?” Ted teased.

“Well he did serve up a healthy side of beef…” Emmett said saucily.

“You should be watching your red meat intake.” Ben said tongue in cheek.

They all laughed and followed Emmett out of the diner….

 

Kiki, the waitress on duty, watched as the foursome walked out of the diner.

Did she hear correctly? The stud of Liberty Avenue and Sunshine got hitched last night? She shook her head sadly…

There were going to be a lot of broken hearts around Liberty Avenue once this news got out.

And broken hearted queers meant lousy tips…….

 

***************************************************************************

 

Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady, That’s me.  
Oh, sit me in the softest seat,  
Quick, a cushion for my feet.  
Do for me, buy for me, lift me, carry me,  
Finally got a guy to marry me!

I do my nails,  
Read up on sales,  
All day the records play.  
Then he comes home, I tell him  
Oy--what a day I had today!  
I swear I'll do my wifely job,  
Just sit at home--become a slob!  
I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, that's me!

 

Brian groaned and pulled the pillow over his head.

Lord please give me the strength to kill that boy, he silently prayed.

Justin was being impossible. All morning he was playing that fucking song. He had no idea how he even got it. It was from the musical Funny Girl, and as far a Brian knew, they didn’t own that sound track. What the fuck did he do? Run out this morning and buy a copy?

And how could he be up already? They came home last night very drunk and very horny. They literally fucked until they each passed out.

He peaked out from under his pillow at the alarm clock. 10 a.m. Hell they were still fucking when Rena had called. And that was at 7 this morning! Oh she was sooo going to pay for that little stunt. Seemed she and Justin had the same bad habit of pulling unappreciated pranks on him.

It was barely 2 hours later and Justin was up and about. And apparently in annoyingly good humor.

Where the fuck did he get the energy? He thought. Youth…

Lord, please give me the strength to kill myself. He amended his early prayer.

“Hey, Mr. Corporation… Get up.” Justin bounced into their bedroom and onto their bed.

Brian peaked up at him, smiling. Seems like someone has been reading the contents of the envelope Adam handed him last night.

“We’re a Corporation now. Mr. &amp; Mr. Corporation.” Justin announced proudly.

He couldn’t’ believe what Brian had done. His partner was simply brilliant. That was all he could say. Brian had both their names incorporated, then merged. Every personal and professional asset of theirs was now under the Kinney-Taylor Corporation. They were in essence, legally protected under the Corporate Veil. Which, even Justin knew, was nearly impossible to pierce. Also included in that envelope were living wills and health proxies.

Yep, his man was brilliant. He thought of everything. Those papers bonded them together more securely than any marriage license could.

“I’m so glad you’re happy.” Brian said grumpily. His head was pounding.

“It’s simply perfect Bri! And it’s fate. Have you been listening to the song I’ve been playing this morning?” Justin said smiling evilly at Brian.

Brian buried his head back under the pillow and groaned.

Justin leaned over and sang into his ear a verse from Sadie, Sadie…

“I'm Sadie, Sadie, married lady, Bow when I go by. I’m a corporation now, not me, myself and I.“

Justin laughed at Brian’s attempt to disappear underneath the pillow.

“Justin, I am warning you …If you don’t stop playing that fucking song, I’m going to wring your fucking neck. When I get my strength back that is.” Brian mumbled.

Justin sat up. “Here.” He said.

Brian pulled the pillow off of his head to see what Justin was offering him.

It was Grandma’s special tonic. Nana’s tonic. God he loved that woman. She came in handy, in more ways than one.

Brian gingerly sat up and took the drink from Justin. He swallowed it down, not pausing to register its taste. It was best to consume Nana’s tonic quickly. It worked, but it tasted like shit.

Once drained, he passed the glass back to Justin.

“Better?” Justin asked.

Brian flopped back onto the bed. “Give me a minute.” He said.

“Well don’t take too long. We’re having Brunch with Nana, Mom and Molly.” He said as he got up and headed for the kitchen.

Fuck, Brian forgot about that. Nana was leaving later this evening. They had planned this ‘celebration’ brunch before she left. He couldn’t be too upset though, he was grateful to the old dodger. Brian smiled remembering her spunk the night before. She was certainly a woman of many surprises, he thought. He made a mental note to buy her matching pearl earrings to go with that necklace.

The smell of fresh coffee brewing wafted into the bedroom.

Brian grudgingly threw his legs over the bed and headed for the shower. His whole body ached. He’d been cutting back on his drinking for a while now. He wasn’t in ‘drinking shape’, and last night he pushed himself too hard.

This morning his body was rebelling, much like he had last night.

 

He heard the shower door open. A warm body press up against him. He leaned his head back and let the water run down his chest. Justin brought his hands up to his shoulders and started massaging them.

“Sore?” He asked concern in his voice.

“Hmmm…” Brian answered.

“I’m sorry about last night. And don’t say sorry’s bullshit.” Justin interrupted Brian who was about to say just that.

“It was an amazing night, you were amazing. I love that you’d do anything for me.” Justin whispered into the back of Brian’s neck where he proceeded to place small little kisses.

“I’ll always remember last night as a symbol of how much you love me, and how much you’re willing to do for me.” Justin picked up the soap and started washing Brian’s back. Brian remained silent, enjoying Justin’s ministrations.

“The fact that you went through all that trouble for ME. God Brian, I don’t deserve you.” Justin said and sighed heavily.

Brian choked out a laugh.

“What you deserve is a spanking for tormenting me this morning.” Brian teased.

“Or for tormenting you last night?” Justin asked bravely.

Brian stiffened beneath his hands. Justin held his shoulders firmly.

“I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. It was selfish of me. If I were a decent fucking partner, I would have just let it go. I know you had no real intentions of taking that waiter home with us last night. I was trying to make a point, one that I really didn’t need to make. I should have trusted you.” Justin said.

“Yes, you should have.” Brian said.

“I was being silly, and thoughtless. And I’m very, very sorry…” Justin kissed Brian’s back and laid his cheek against it.

Brian sighed and leaned back into Justin.

“You were playing a dangerous game Sunshine. If it weren’t for Nana, I would have brought two waiters home just to teach you a lesson. Kind of like the lesson you were trying to teach me.” Brian said truthfully.

Justin had pushed all his buttons last night, and he was too fucking stoned himself to be thinking rationally. His emotions took over. They were, and have always been very volatile in their relationship.

“I know. I was too fucked up to think straight. But it’s pretty funny when you think about it. I don’t think Mikey and I ever had such fun together.” Justin laughed.

Brian huffed.

“You know how hot you are when you’re angry?” Justin cooed seductively into Brian’s ear.

“Hmmm… no tell me…” Brian said turning around to take Justin into his arms. He let the hot water run over them, soothing them.

“Very…” Justin said and licked the side of Brian’s neck.

“I love when you get jealous.” He whispered against his hot skin.

“I don’t do jealousy.” Brian protested then turned Justin around and slammed him against the shower stall.

Justin’s mood changed immediately. He hissed and reached behind him to pull Brian to him.

Brian growled and bit Justin’s ear.

“Don’t EVER let me catch you fucking around without me.” Brian rasped out and reached over to grab a condom from the basket that hung over the showerhead.

“I won’t, I promise.” Justin said and pushed back against Brian, desperate for his entry.

Brian sheathed himself and drove into Justin in one powerful stroke, burying himself deep inside his boy. He then held still.

Justin gasped, and tried to move.

“I’m not fucking around Justin. You’re mine. I hated seeing that man pawing at you, and you laughing, enjoying it.” Brian said the words through clenched teeth.

“I know…I knew it last night.” Justin confessed.

Brian pulled out and slammed back into him, hard.

Justin whimpered, half pleasure, half pain.

“Then why, and don’t give me that shit about you proving a point to me!” Brian demanded.

Justin just wanted Brian to fuck him, he didn’t want to have this conversation, but once again, his impulsive nature got the best of him.

“Because I hate that you still trick!” Justin lashed out, half out of his mind with anger, and lust.

Justin’s words hung between them, suspending the moment.

Brian rested his hands against the shower stall walls, one on each side of Justin’s head.

“I was jealous.” Brian made his own confession quietly, not knowing how to respond to Justin’s confession.

“Now you know how I feel.” Justin said.

Brian cringed inwardly.

“Justin, you know I’ve not tricked in a while.” Brian said honestly.

Justin nodded, grateful his suspicions were right.

Brian buried his face in the crook of Justin’s neck. His breathing was shallow.

“But I can’t promise I’ll never trick again.” He amended.

Justin’s heart dropped.

One step forward…..

Justin wanted to cry. He didn’t want to have this conversation, not today.

“Brian, just fuck me, please.” He said.

Brian lifted his head up looked down at Justin. He abruptly pulled out of him.

Justin growled out his frustration and whirled on Brian.

“You’re fucking pulling out now!” He said panting, his eyes burned with his fury.

“I’m not going to fuck you until we get this straight between us.” Brian said, using every inch of will power he had not to attack Justin and fuck him. He was rock hard.

“Fine!” Justin sputtered and pushed past Brian and out of the shower.

Brian cursed.

“Justin! Don’t fucking walk out on me.” He screamed.

Justin was already drying himself off, and getting dressed.

Great fucking honeymoon this was turning out to be, he thought peevishly.

Brian pulled a towel around him and reached for Justin’s arm.

Justin pulled away from him.

“Fuck you Brian.” He said and pulled one of his Henley’s over his head.

“No fucking.” Brian said, tongue in cheek, a sly smile on his face.

Justin did not appreciate his humor. He turned on him, on tiptoes, and looked him dead in the eyes.

“You do what you want Kinney. But know this. You trick… I TRICK!” Justin said, fed up with Brian’s refusal to admit the truth to himself.

Brian snorted. “You hate tricking.” He said.

“SO DO YOU.” Justin yelled into his face.

Brian stepped back. Stunned. And there it was. The ugly truth he didn’t want to face. He DID hate tricking anymore. Oh, he loved the game, the chase, like he did the last time him and Mikey were at Babylon. He pulled that trick right in, but once he had him in his clutches, the desire left. He released him. Much like the fisherman releases his catch once caught. The thrill was in the hunt.

Brian was, and would always be a sexual predator. It was his nature. But much like the fisherman, once conquered, he had no desire to partake of his prey anymore.

The last few times he did trick, he was bored to death. He hated how the tricks smelled, how they sucked cock, how they clung on afterwards. He hated it all. The only thing that kept him tricking at this point, was habit.

Reluctant to admit this to Justin though, Brian did what he does best.

He shut down.

He went to the closet and pulled some clothes out and started getting dressed.

FUCK. Justin thought. So fucking close. He saw it though, the acceptance in Brian’s eyes that Justin was right. It was there, and Justin would hold on to that.

For now.

Justin went to the nightstand, and picked up his cowry bracelet. He fastened it to his wrist in silence.

Once fully dressed, he went to leave the bedroom. He got to the door when the sound of Brian’s voice stopped him.

“We have the rest of our lives ahead of us. There will be times when we’ll be apart, maybe for long periods of time. We can’t expect each other to be celibate during those times.” Brian said quietly.

Justin turned back around. Brian was sitting on their bed, his back to him.

“Of course not. In that situation, I wouldn’t expect either of us to be celibate.” Justin agreed.

Silence fell.

“Until such time….”Brian stood up and turned around to face Justin.

“I won’t trick.” He said.

Justin nodded his head. He wasn’t going to make a big deal out of this. He knew how hard this decision was for him. Old habits were very hard to break.

It was a huge step for Brian, giving up pretty much that which has defined him for the past 17 years or so.

“I’m doing this for me Justin. Not that I wouldn’t do it for you. You know I would. But this, I’m doing for me. It’s time I let go of some nasty habits. And that’s one of them.” Brian admitted.

Justin couldn’t help himself. He broke down and started crying.

Brian went to him and held him.

“And here I thought this would make you happy.” Brian said sighing.

Justin laughed. He wiped his eyes and stepped back from Brian.

“I’m very happy.” He said through shinning eyes.

Then just as quickly, that happy look turned into one of alarm. Justin’s jaw dropped as if something just hit him.

Brian watched the transformation confused.

“What?” He asked nervously.

“Does this mean we can’t trick together occasionally?” Justin asked uncomfortably.

Brian threw his head back and laughed.

Justin smacked his arm.

“You know it doesn’t happen often, but sometimes, I like when we trick together. It’s so fucking hot.” Justin’s face was getting redder with each attempt he was making to justify him wanting to trick with Brian.

Brian looked at his lover and thought he’d never seen him more adorable.

He pulled him to him and grinded against him.

“Sunshine, you know how giving and selfless I am when it comes to your pleasure.” He said in mock modesty.

Justin laughed and hugged him tight.

“Good. Cause you know what a selfish prick I can be at times….” He countered.

They worked their way back to the bed where they proceeded to continue their honeymoon morning………….


	62. Love and Hate

“Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah, ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you”

~ Hate Me by Blue October

 

“Excellent choice Sir. Would you like to see it?” The salesman said as he unlocked the glass cabinet and pulled out the Patek Philippe Calatrava white gold watch the gentleman was looking at.

Brian admired the workmanship of the timepiece. It was a beauty and at thirty-six thousand, reasonably priced. Which surprised him since it was just a few days before Christmas. The high-end jewelers usually boosted their prices the week before Christmas in hopes of catching those who waited till last minute to get that special gift, and had to show up with something spectacular.

Kind of like what Brian was doing now.

Though it wasn’t that he had waited until the last minute to buy Justin his Christmas gift; on the contrary he’d be searching for a while now. Trouble was, he could not find anything that suited him, or more accurately, suited Justin. He wanted to get his blonde something very special; unfortunately an expensive watch just didn’t make the cut.

“It’s stunning, but I’m afraid it’s not what I’m looking for.” Brian said.

The salesman shook his head disappointedly, and put the watch back.

“May I ask what it is you had in mind Sir? Maybe I can show you something else?” The salesman pressed, eager to make a commission.

He smelled money. The man before him was wearing a very expensive Swiss Jaeger-LeCoultre watch, and his suit was Armani. He wasn’t about to let this fish off the hook.

Brian smiled indulgently and shook his head.

“No, thank you. I don’t think I’m going to find what I’m looking for in here.” He said then turned to leave the shop.

He stepped outside into the cold winter air pulling the collar of his wool coat up.

The wind chill factor had to be around minus two degree’s he thought shoving his hands into his coat pockets. They already had one snowstorm this winter, and another was expected on Christmas day.

He pulled out his cigarette pack and took one out and lit it. Smoke mixed with cold air filled his lungs. The sensation was calming.

He was about to call for car service, having opted to leave the Vet home to avoid the holiday traffic, but then changed his mind and decided to walk a bit.

Think Kinney, Think! What would Justin like? Besides a stiff cock when you get home he thought smiling to himself.

It had been two weeks since their “celebration”. Two of the best fucking weeks of his life and Brian, for once, refused to dwell on when the next tragedy would hit. Instead, he chose to revel in their good fortune.

It started the day after their celebration party. They had brunch with Nana, Jennifer and Molly. Nana, once again surprised the shit out of them by presenting Justin with his trust fund. Justin had no idea he had a trust fund, neither did Jennifer. Nana had explained that his paternal grandfather had set it one up for him, and one for Molly when they were born.

Neither were suppose to receive it until their twenty-fifth birthday but now that Justin was a ‘married’ man…. and yes, Brian cringed at that description…. Nana thought it only proper to hand his over to him. She then handed over Molly’s to Jennifer keeping, stating that she had not done so earlier because she never trusted that no good husband of hers. Brian laughed at that. Nana had great perception when it came to peoples’ character.

Justin was speechless, they all were. Nana was delighted of course that she once again, managed to amaze the people around her. She truly was a diva Brian thought.

Brian had to push Justin’s head between his legs, and not in a positive life affirming way, to keep him from hyperventilating when he saw the amount of the fund. Seemed the old woman, who was trustee of the fund, had invested well. The trust fund was in the amount of six hundred thousand dollars. Molly’s fund was in the same amount. At first, Justin refused to take it, but Nana insisted it was what his grandfather wanted. She declared that of respect for him, Justin couldn’t refuse. The old woman was shrewd.

By the end of Brunch, Justin had accepted his fund, with the understanding that he was going to use it to set up a trust fund for Gus, and one for their ‘soon’ to be new baby.

That announcement left everyone at the table speechless, this time Brian had to push Jennifer’s head between her legs, and not in a positive life affirming way, to stop her from hyperventilating. Nana did not seem surprised at all.

Tears and well wishes went round the table. Brian and Justin explained the situation and asked them not to say anything until the pregnancy actually happened. And then, they wanted to tell the rest of the family. Of course, Brian had already told Rena, but he didn’t need to mention that.

They all agreed, and then drove Nana to the airport. She made them promise to come visit over the holidays.

Two days after the Brunch, Brian and Justin were sitting in the insemination room, talking to Lucy, each holding one of her hands, as she lay on the hospital cot, legs up high, covered with a sheet, having just been inseminated with both their sperm by the doctor.

They were allowed to sit with her immediately following procedure. It was the closest they would get to being part of the conception.

Justin was totally enchanted with Lucy. They both were actually. They spent nearly an hour in that room talking about her children, her late husband, the surgery Elliot was scheduled to have that week, which both Brian and Justin promised to be at, and her family history.

It was important they know the history of their child’s mother. Especially her family’s’ medical history, like heart disease, cancer, and other hereditary diseases.

The day went smoothly, and later that week, true to their promise, they were once again sitting with Lucy in the waiting room while Elliot underwent his first round of surgeries.

She was a nervous wreck and they were glad they were there to help her through it. Lucy had no living relatives other than her children. Her husband was an only child, and her sister died in a car accident several years ago. Both sets of parents were dead as well. Justin of course, being the kind soul he is, pretty much adopted Lucy and her children.

The doctors said the surgery went well, and that they were reevaluating how many more he would need. They said that if when the bandages came off the results were as they expected, he would only need one, maybe two more surgeries. Lucy cried with joy and relief when she heard. Of course, Justin cried with her. Brian was even choked a bit.

Elliot turned out to be a pretty smart kid, with a great sense of humor. He was his mothers’ strength. While Lucy fussed and cried over him, he showed a maturity way past his nine years, and comforted her, telling her everything was going to be all right. Brian saw a man of fine character waiting to emerge from behind those youthful green eyes.

Elliot was, just as Lucy described him, obsessed with building bridges. Justin had bought him several model bridges for Christmas. His sisters, Jacqueline and Victoria, were a bit older, and into music. Justin bought them each an ipod, and two hundred dollars worth of itune dollars to download songs. Of course, Brian insisted that they buy them a computer as well so they had the means to download those songs.

Lucy was being stubborn about accepting gifts from them. She insisted it was enough that they not only paid for her son’s surgeries, but paid off her mortgage, and set up account for her in the amount of fifty thousand dollars. But no one was more stubborn than Brian, as Lucy learned quickly. What she was giving them was priceless, and he would damn well make sure her and her children were always taken care of.

Justin insisted as well. He had used some of his trust fund money to set up college funds for each of her children. Lucy was no match against the two of them. In truth, Brian suspected she was grateful to have people who cared about her and her children. They had no one. No aunts, uncles or grandparents. The children had already taken to calling Brian and Justin, “uncle Brian and uncle Justin’. He hoped their attachment wasn’t going to cause problems once the baby was born.

 

As it was, they were all bonding. How could they not? They were all having this baby together. But once Lucy gave birth, the baby would be going home them.

It was suggested by the people at the clinic that they have little contact with the mother the first few months following the birth as to help with separation anxiety that often occurs when the surrogate hands the child over. It would be a hard adjustment period for them all. One made harder by the fact they were all growing close to each other.

Well, at least they would have nine months to prepare for the event.

The happy news came to them just two days ago.

The insemination took. Lucy was pregnant. Brian had to once again put Justin’s head between his legs, and not in a positive live affirming way, to stop him from hyperventilating.

The only thing left to do now, was tell the family. They had decided to wait till Christmas day to make the announcement, when they were all together. Besides, they didn’t want to take the thunder away from Adam and Shane.

News of her pregnancy spread fast and Deb and the rest of the family were overjoyed with the prospect of another little addition to their rapidly growing family.

Rena wasted no time in getting the decorators in to set up the nursery. She assumed Shane was going to continue to live with her, Brian however, had a feeling Adam had other plans for Shane and their baby, though he had yet to reveal his intentions to him or Rena. In either case, Brian and Justin were going to wait before sharing their own good news.

Since the family had been growing, it was decided that holidays would now be held at Rena’s house, and not Deb’s, since her house was so much bigger. Deb didn’t mind, since Rena pretty much let her have free reign over her house when she was there. So on Christmas day, they would all be at Rena’s.

Christmas Eve would be spent with Lucy and her family, and New Years with Nana. They would tell her about the pregnancy then.

Brian shook his head at the ‘family’ politics Justin was adhering to. His mother and Rena had to be told first, then Deb and the family, then Nana, and of course, Justin insisted they tell Brian’s mother.

Brian put his foot down at that suggestion, stating he was not going to ruin his Christmas by having ‘that’ woman scorn and spit on their happiness, but Justin was not giving up on this one. He wanted to stop by Joan’s house on Christmas morning, drop off their gifts, and tell them the news. Brian always bought his mother, his sister, and his nephews Christmas gifts, well, more accurately; Cynthia always bought them gifts from him. This year, Justin bought the gifts. Brian wondered if he would give in come Christmas morning. As of this moment though, he had no intentions on going to ‘that’ woman’s house on Christmas morning.

Family politics’ aside, Brian decided to tell Lindsey about the baby in person, before Christmas day. He did not have the heart to drop another bomb on her publicly. Besides, he needed to talk to her. It was time.

He looked up and saw he was standing in front of Starbucks. He dropped his cigarette to the ground and went inside to order a Venti Mocha Latte. The temperature was dropping rapidly outside and it was getting late.

He took his coffee to a small table by the window and pulled out his cell. Time was running out, and he’d yet to get Justin his gift. It didn’t look like he’d find anything tonight, so he called for car service.

His next stop would be Mel and Lindsey’s.

He hadn’t talked to Lins since the celebration. He spoke to Mel when he wanted to see Gus. Mel would swing by and drop him off, or if she couldn’t, Justin would go pick him up. Brian made sure to cut all contact with Lindsey for the time being.

If Lindsey was hurt, she gave no indication. She was friendly and polite to Justin when he picked Gus up, and Mel told Brian she’d been quiet, but not angry, or visibly hurt. Though she was sure she had to be.

Brian was about to find out just how hurt Lindsey was. No one knew her better than him. That was part of the problem. He had let this go on for so long, knowing it wasn’t healthy, but too fucking stubborn to admit to himself that it was a serious problem.

Brian spotted the black Sedan pull up to the curb in front of Starbucks. He sighed in resignation and left the coffee shop. Once settled in the car, he gave the driver directions.

He was contemplating what he was going to say to Lindsey when they past PIFA. It was late, but all the lights were on. Justin was there. He’d been there almost every night the past week working on some project. He usually didn’t get home till very late, and always exhausted. Brian hoped, for the teachers sake, that he got a fucking A on the project with all the effort he was putting into it. Brian had given up some serious fucking time in the name of Justin’s art this week.

Brian sat in the dark, in the back of the luxury Sedan and subconsciously rubbed his stiffening cock through his wool pants. Thoughts of his blonde, blue-eyed addiction inevitably brought on his current condition. He hadn’t seen or spoke to him since this morning and already he was missing him. God he was pathetic he thought, with a smile.

It was of course, all Justin’s fault. Since their celebration, Brian noticed Justin touched him more. Little, subtle touches that he didn’t think Justin was even aware of. When they were eating, shopping, dancing at Babylon, or just sitting at home, Justin would reach out and graze his fingers lightly over his skin. When they were talking, he would lay his hand on his arm or wrist. When he wanted to show him something, he’d lean in and lightly touch his shoulder or back. When he walked by him, he would make sure to either brush up against him, or reach out and make contact. These were not sexual touches, which he did often as well, but more like subconscious support contact.

It wasn’t obvious, but Brian was too in tune to Justin not to notice it. It was as if with each touch, he was reaffirming that they were ‘real’ and it wasn’t going to all disappear. Brian knew that feeling all too well. So he encouraged Justin’s little ‘affirmation’ touches, as he dubbed them, with much pleasure and comfort.

Brian had grown use to those touches these past weeks, and now craved them.

The Sedan turned the corner and onto a back road. Brian recognized it. He sometimes took this road when going to Lindsey. It was a short cut.

He idly looked out the window at the snow-covered landscape; his thoughts lost in the vast artic scenery when he saw it.

“Stop the car.” He ordered.

The driver pulled over and Brian got out. The road was pretty much uninhabited. There was only a hand full of houses on it, including the one for sale that caught Brian’s eye.

It was an old building, in need of much repair, but there was something about it. Brian walked over the snow-covered grass and circled the house.

It sat up higher then the other houses, on a small hill. It was a big sprawling monstrosity of a building. Dead vines clung to the now decaying structure, hiding what must have been a beautiful piece of architecture in its day.

It had an imposing cupola and an old fashioned veranda. But the main attraction was the huge steel framed walls of glass that covered both the east and west side of the house. He peeked inside and got a glimpse of a large empty room, with wooden plank floors.

Brian could only imagine the light that came through those glass walls into that vast room.

The light….

Brian smiled to himself then took down the number of the realtor.

He got back into the car. Well, he thought to himself smugly, that’s one problem solved. Now on to Lindsey…..

 

**************************************************************************

 

“Hey…Um.. It’s kind of late Bri, Gus is sleeping. You should have called.” Mel said uneasily.

She and Lins were just settling down to watch a video when the knock came on the door. It was late, and they weren’t expecting company.

“I’m here to see Lindsey.” Brian said unfalteringly.

Mel stepped outside the house, and closed the door slightly behind her, pushing Brian back.

“This is NOT a good time.” She whispered angrily.

“Mel, there is never going to be a good time. Now let me in.” He insisted.

Mel shot him a warning look. “Fine. But promise me, you won’t hurt her anymore.” She said.

“I can’t make that promise Mel, you know this. I can’t help it if the truth hurts her.” He said.

Mel narrowed her eyes, not liking his response, but not having any choice. She stepped back and let him in.

Brian took off his coat and handed it to Mel.

“She’s in the living room.” Mel nodded her head in that direction.

“I’ll be upstairs.” She said, then hung his coat up and left him standing in the hallway.

“Mel, hun, who is it?” Brian heard Lindsey call out.

He took a deep breath and walked into the living room.

Lindsey looked up at him and blinked twice.

“Brian, I wasn’t expecting you.” She said rising from the couch and wrapping the tie to her robe around her more securely.

“Is anything wrong?” She asked.

Brian went over to her and gave her a hug. He then held her by the shoulders, at arms length and smiled into her eyes.

“Yes, there is something wrong. It’s been wrong for a long time now, but I’m hoping we can make it right.” He said.

Lindsey turned her head away. Brian could see the red flush creeping up her neck. She knew what he was talking about.

“Lindsey, we need to talk.” He said.

Lindsey pulled away from him.

“Can I get you some tea? Are you hungry?” She asked.

Brian expected as much. When agitated, or wanting to avoid something, Lindsey slipped into her WASP mode, and used her manners as a shield.

He sat down on the couch and pulled her down with him.

“How long?” He asked once they were settled on the worn cushions.

She let out a little nervous laugh.

“You’re in a strange mood. You didn’t take E from Anita again, did you? You know she cooks that shit up in the bathtub.” She said, avoiding his question.

“I asked you a question Lins, how fucking long.” He repeated.

Lindsey grew angry. “How do you expect me to answer that? How long what!” She snapped.

“How long have you been harboring this fantasy of you and me getting married?” He asked bluntly.

Lindsey gasped. “That’s nonsense! I don’t know who’s been telling you…”

“Cut the bullshit Lins. It’s me. We’ve been through too much together. Just fucking tell me, how long.” Brian insisted.

Lindsey sighed and flopped back against the couch.

“It’s not a fantasy. Honestly. It’s kind of just a thought that has always there, in the back of my head.” She admitted silently.

“Back in college?” Brian asked.

She looked over at him. “God Brian, it is so much more complicated than you or Mel can imagine. It’s not easy to explain.” She said bitterly.

“Try.”

Lindsey took a deep breath and brought her hands up to her face. She pressed her palms against her cheeks as if to ward off the blush she knew was going to surface.

“Ok, here it is. When I first met you in college, I thought you were so cool. You had this fuck you attitude. No apologies, no regrets. You lived by your own rules. I was still living under my parents’ rules. I envied, and wanted to emulate you. If you remember, I initiated our friendship.” She said.

Brian just nodded, urging her to continue.

“I knew I was gay back then, but hid it. My parents and friends back home didn’t know and there was no way I could tell them.” She said shaking her head.

“I remember.” Brian said.

“Yeah, well you may remember, but you didn’t understand. Not then, not now.” Lindsey accused.

Brian narrowed his eyes. “So explain it to me.” He said.

“I grew up in a world where things were expected of me. I was taught that in order to be ‘acceptable’, you had to be a certain way. I wasn’t. And all I ever wanted to be was accepted. Especially by my parents. Even as a little girl, I tried so hard to please my father, yet nothing I ever did seemed good enough. My sister got all the attention. She was prettier, more charming and a social queen. Which, by the way, is soooo much more important than being smart in my family.” Lindsey spat out.

Brian reached over and rubbed her arm, urging her to continue.

“I went to college to get my degree. I figured, I’d have something over my sister. You see she didn’t go to college. Didn’t need to, she married a very rich man, and they threw great fucking parties. My parents weren’t even upset when she divorced him. She quickly remedied that by remarrying another rich man of influence.” Lindsey got up and started pacing in front of Brian.

He sat looking at her. God she’d been repressing some serious insecurities.

“So I said, fine. I’ll get my Master’s degree and then my father will be proud of me. And he NEVER needs to know that I secretly like women, you see, because THAT was unacceptable, and my goal, was to be accepted. But then, I met you.” She stopped pacing and stared at him.

“And you were perfect.”

Brian made a face. Lindsey laughed.

“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean as in perfect human being, Lord knows you are flawed, VERY flawed..”

“Ok, enough.” Brian cautioned.

Lindsey blushed and continued to pace.

“Perfect in the sense that you were comfortable with who you were. You gave me the courage to face myself. And to show myself to the world, starting with my parents.” Lindsey stopped pacing and smiled sadly at Brian.

“My intentions were good, the results however, disastrous.” She said.

“What happened?” Brian asked the question that begged to be asked. He knew Lindsey didn’t come out to her parents until after she met Mel. Mel was the one who actually pushed her into telling her parents about them.

“My father came to visit me at school one day. God Brian, you should have seen me. I was so fucking brave, all ready to tell him who I was, and if he didn’t like it, then that was his problem. But you see he brought the son of one of his friends with him. It threw me off guard. We had lunch, all very polite mind you, and then when he was ready to leave, he pulled me aside. He told me how proud he was of me.” Lindsey paused at this point.

“OF ME! He was proud of ME Brian. Those words I’ve been waiting for all my life were finally being said! And then you know what he said?” She asked, disgust written all over her face.

Brian was afraid to ask, but did anyway. “What?”

“He said Greg, that was the boy he brought with him, really took a liking to me. THAT was why he was proud of me! Not because of any of my accomplishments, or hard work at school, but because some boy he approved of liked me. I felt like dying that day. I knew, then and there, that the only way my father was really going to accept me was if I were to marry, have kids and be the perfect hostess.” She said then plopped back down on the couch.

She buried her face in her hands. “That night, I went to your room with a bottle of Beam. Remember? We got really drug and we fucked. I planned it.” She said through her hands, shame heavy in her voice.

Brian didn’t say a word. He was not about to let her off the hook. He let her compose herself then asked her to continue.

She looked at him defeated then continued.

“I’ve always loved you Brian. I worshipped you back in college. You were everything I wanted to be. Strong, courageous and proud. At first, I’ll admit, I thought hey, we could be together. I mean, fucking you wasn’t half bad.” She said.

Brian looked affronted.

She laughed nervously. “Well you didn’t think it was so bad at the time.” Lindsey defended.

“I was drunk, and young. Back then I’d get a hard on if my pants were too tight. Which they always were by the way.” He said bluntly.

Lindsey cringed. “Ok, so it wasn’t perfect.

“Still, we were best of friends and I started thinking what a great couple we’d make. The fact that we were both gay was irrelevant. I had this whole perfect picture marriage planned out for us. I knew my parents would love you. It was obvious even back then that you were going places Brian. You had ambition, and you were fucking brilliant. And even though in the back of my head, I always KNEW you’d never live a lie, I had hope that one day, because of the success you were going to be, that you would need a wife. And I’d be this perfect hostess to all your business associates. And we’d still have our ‘affairs’, on the side. How pathetic is that?” She asked.

“Pretty.” Brian said ruthlessly.

Lindsey gave him a hurt look. Brian ignored it.

“Point is, the years went by, and I held on to that thought. You were always there for me, and I for you. It became easier and easier, as the years went by, to believe it really could happen one day.” Lindsey said.

“Lins, what about Mel? Why did you still harbor these thoughts after you two got together?” Brian asked.

“Actually I didn’t. I fell hard for Mel. Any thoughts of us left the minute she kissed me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I’ve never been happier in my life.” Lindsey said.

“So what changed?” Brian asked.

“Me. I wanted to make Mel happy, and part of that meant I had to tell my parents. Well, you know how that went. They pretty much ignored me from that point on. It hurt, bad. They hid my relationship with Mel from the rest of my family. I became a leaper. I couldn’t bear it, my whole life; my foundation was with my family and it was all crumbling before my eyes. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing them. I needed to be back in their good graces so I decided to have a baby. I figured if they had a grandchild, they would then have to accept me.” Lindsey confessed.

“Jesus Christ Lins, it’s a good thing I didn’t know about this when I agreed to be the donor!” Brian said, clearly aggravated with Lindsey’s confession.

“I know, I won’t deny it was a lousy reason to want a baby, but it wasn’t the only reason. You have to believe me. I wanted to be a mother! I was nearing thirty, and was faced with the ugly reality, that there were certain things Mel could not give me. Only YOU could, and that’s when I started thinking about us again.” Lindsey said once again burying her face in her hands.

“But I didn’t want to lose Mel. I love her, that hasn’t changed. Yet my desire to be accepted by my family is still strong.” Lindsey confessed.

She looked up at Brian, tears in her eyes.

“When I saw you stand up and declare your love for Justin, in front of everyone, it hit me then that it was over for me. Any hopes I ever had of being accepted by my family were crushed. You were my last hope Brian.” Lindsey choked out.

“Any hopes of us being together as a couple was lost the first time I fucked a guy. Which, by the way, was way before I even met you.” Brian said cuttingly.

“You’re just full of brutal honesty tonight aren’t you?” Lindsey snapped.

“Oh, I’m sorry. That part of me is only attractive when it’s aimed at someone else apparently.” Brian said, sarcasm dripping with each word.

He was very disappointed in Lindsey. The fact that she still believed she wasn’t good enough to get her parents approval was bullshit. What was worse, was the fact she thought he was the answer. This was the mother of his son and he was not going to allow her to continue wasting her life fighting a lost cause.

“Lindsey, Justin is it for me. He’s my future. Whether you’re in it or not, is debatable at this point. Justin and Gus are the only two certainties I have in life. And you should also know, Justin and I found a surrogate who is currently pregnant with our baby.” Brian said then sat back and waited for Lindsey’s reaction.

Sometimes, Brian thought, the only way to wake someone up from a dream was to shock them out of it. A bucket of ice water usually did the trick, and he had just dumped one over Lindsey’s head.

“But I thought…” Lindsey stammered, her eyes wide with shock.

“NO, you weren’t thinking. You were dreaming. And personally, I’m bored of being part of your ridiculous fantasy.” Brian aimed to hurt.

He could see the look of pain in her eyes. He pressed forward.

“Hate me Lins. Hate me if it helps you to get over me. Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you. And that’s Mel. She’s your future. And Gus. And maybe, you two should think about having another child. With a different donor. But for God sakes Lins, get on with your life! And stop acting like some little girl still trying to get mommy and daddy’s approval. Fuck em.” Brian’s voice was harsh and unyielding.

“How DARE you!” Lindsey screamed, her anger now surpassing her hurt.

“You have no fucking clue how I feel! Your parents never loved you! Your father wanted to abort you for God sakes, how could you possibly understand what it’s like to lose your parents love if you never had it to begin with!’ Lindsey struck back.

A flash of pain crossed Brian’s face, but was quickly replaced by a blank mask.

Lindsey saw it, but was beyond caring. He wanted honesty, FINE, he was going to get some of it back.

“That may be true, however, I was loved by family, just not by my biological parents. And if that family rejected me because I was gay, I would have told them to go fuck themselves, and walk away. No apologies, no regrets. You see, because that’s not love. That’s hate.” Brian retorted.

And he meant it. As much as he loved Maria, Andy and Rena, if they rejected him for who he was, he would have walked away. He was lucky though, they loved him, unconditionally.

If anyone had a reason to reject him it was Andy. Andy was straight, and Brian was in love with him. Yet Andy loved him even knowing. On his deathbed, he let Brian kiss him. Brian would never forget that. The feel of Andy’s lips yielding to his own. Andy didn’t merely “allow” Brian to kiss him, he welcomed it. That was love. If anyone didn’t have a clue, it was Lindsey. Brian was loved, and that love was ripped away from him. He more than understood.

Lindsey’s shoulders slumped in defeat.

“Then you’re a lot stronger than I am.” She whispered.

Brian made an exasperated sound. “Bullshit.” He said.

“No, it’s true. I’m fucking thirty-two years old and STILL trying to form a relationship with my parents. It’s important to me. I came out to them HOPING, God I’m starting to hate that word, that SOME HOW they’d be able to accept me. I knew they’d never approve of me being gay, but I was willing to settle for them just accepting it. But they can’t even do that! They don’t even fucking acknowledge our son!” Lindsey choked out that last part.

“Fuck em.” Brian reiterated his advice, only more firmly this time.

Lindsey let out a bitter laugh. “Easy for you to say.”

“Easy or hard, say it Lindsey. It’s got to be a lot easier than facing their rejection time and time again all these years.” Brian acknowledged.

“Maybe, just maybe, if you told them to go fuck themselves, and truly cut yourself off from them, they’d realize what they lost. As it is now, you cow toe to them like a fucking meek lamb. Why? Why the fuck do you still run when they call? Why do you bring Gus over to see them when by your own admission, they don’t even recognize him as their grandson? Why do you continually invite them to dinner only to be stood up time and time again? FUCK EM. Say it Lindsey, and you know what will happen?” Brian pressed.

Lindsey looked at him warily. Her head was spinning from all he was telling her.

“They’ll either realize what shits they’ve been and try to make amends with you, or you won’t hear from them ever again, which at least then you’ll know that they don’t love you, and you can start investing your time, and emotional energy on people who DO love you. It’s a hard pill to swallow, I know, but one you MUST take. You can’t live like this. Living on fantasies, that will NEVER come true, and feasting on false hopes of what could be. FUCK EM Lins!” Brian was shouting at this point.

 

Lindsey couldn’t take it anymore. She broke down and cried.

Mel heard the shouting from upstairs and came running down.

“What the fuck did you do to her Kinney!” She screamed and ran over to embrace Lindsey.

“I spoke the truth. Oh, and I also told her Justin and I are having a baby. Our surrogate is pregnant.” Brian announced without emotion.

“Bastard.” Mel spat at him.

“Though I shouldn’t be surprise. It’s a typical Kinney move. Throw them off the fucking mountain for their own good, right Bri? It’s your fucking mountain; you get to choose who stays and who goes. But tell me, how’s that God complex of yours going to survive once you’ve thrown all your worshipers off the mighty Kinney cliff?” Mel snarled at him.

Brian got up from the couch. “Believe what you want Mel. Truth is, Lindsey’s very important to me. I’m not giving up on her. But I won’t allow her to be a victim of her own insecurities. It’s time she showed some backbone. I know she has one, I’ve seen it. She just needs to relocate it.”

He bent down and pulled Lindsey away from Mel’s embrace.

“HEY!” Mel yelled and went to pull Lindsey back.

“DON’T!” Brian’s voice was impregnable; it stopped Mel in her tracks.

“Don’t fucking coddle her. She needs to earn your love at this point Mel. You’ve given her yours, unconditionally, it’s time she returned the favor.” Brian said.

Mel’s eyes welled up. “She’s not you Brian.” She said.

“No, she’s not. She’s much stronger. She’s held on to a hope I never would have had the strength to hold on to for so long.” Brian said.

“And it’s that same tenacity that will get her through this, but she has to do it on her own.” Brian pulled Lindsey to her feet. She stood and wiped her eyes.

“Life is too short Lins. If you don’t take control of yours now, you’ll spend the rest of it miserable, and end up alone. Without the love of your parents, or your partner. Think about it.” He said.

Lindsey was too emotionally wroth to respond. She turned away from him.

Brian turned to leave, but then stopped. His conscious wouldn’t let him leave on that note.

He turned back around. “Lindsey… No matter what you decide, I’ll always be there for you and Gus.” He said.

Lindsey looked at him with such a sad expression on her face; it broke Brian’s heart.

He grabbed his coat from the closet and left the house.

 

***************************************************************************

 

The Sedan had been waiting outside, on his instructions. He got in the back and gave directions for home. He pulled out his cell and dialed.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Do I walk on water?” Brian asked.

“Ouch. Who brought up your God complex?” Justin answered.

Brian cursed. “I don’t have a God complex.” He growled

“You like to control the lives of those around you. Technically, some would call that a God complex.” Justin explained.

“What would you call it?” Brian asked.

There was a moment of silence on the other end.

“I would call it fear. Fear of losing again that which has been denied to you for so long. Love. You had no control over what happened to Andy. And you lost him. Then you had to let Rena go and it killed you. You thought you’d never see her again. I hate to quote a cliché, but if you love someone, set them free. I think you know the rest. You did, and she came back to you. And you know, I’m not going anywhere.” Justin said.

Brian sighed. “Yeah, well you are the exception. Trying to control you is like trying to solve an algebra problem by chewing gum. Futile. You’ve always have been, and continue to be too fucking impulsive. As far as you not going anywhere, I couldn’t get rid of you if I tried, and God knows, I tried!” Brian said teasingly.

Justin laughed.

“But the only reason I didn’t lose Rena, was because I did have control over what happened to her. I took her away from that animal before he could hurt her. I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to take Andy away…” Brian said somberly.

Justin got a chill at Brian’s words. Brian did not know about Rena’s rape. He didn’t know that when he left her alone for that week he was in New York with his family, her father had brutally raped her, to the point that today, she was unable to have children because of it.

“Justin?” Brian broke through his thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m here.” Justin answered.

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked.

“Brian, you can’t control what happens to people. No matter how hard you try. Bad shit happens, by no fault of your own. It just happens.” Justin said a little to fearfully.

“Easy Sunshine. We’re past that, aren’t we? I don’t blame myself anymore for what Hobbs did to you. What James is doing is necessary for your protection, not because I need to be absolved of any guilt over what happened to you. You were right. Whether I went to your prom or not, Hobbs had intended to attack you. I’m just glad I was there to call 911.” Brian said, disturbed that he inadvertently brought up that unpleasant memory.

Justin sighed. He wasn’t talking about his own attack, though he could not tell Brian that. That had to come from Rena.

“Come home.” He said.

“I’m on my way.” Brian said then hung up.

He looked out the car window and allowed his thoughts to wander.

Maybe Justin was right. He did tend to dictate to those he loved how they should live their lives. But it was because he wanted them safe. Which was a joke actually.

He was crazy to think he had any control over life’s little surprises. The truly life altering events could never be planed for. They blind-sided you when you least expect it. Though that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes those life-altering events were very bad, but then again, some times they were very, very good. Like meeting your soul mate on some back street, under a lamppost, or better yet, having a child with him. Now who saw that coming?

Brian smiled when he saw the Tremont street sign. Home. Soon, the days stress would be wiped away, and all it would take is something so simple, yet so rewarding.

One of Justin’s “affirmation” touches………


	63. Christmas Morning

"Old women even forget how to love their sons. The heart gets worn out, Monsieur."

~ Albert Camus

 

 

Hot molten heat flooded Brian’s body jolting him from his slumber. The feeling was so intense his body arched up, searching for its source.

“ggaaaaarrhhh……” The nearly inaudible guttural sound escaped him as the fiery fingers of pleasure continued to dance along his nerves, bringing him fully awake and erect.

His hands find their way to soft silky strands he knows his fingers will encounter.

“Good Morning Sunshine.” He mumbles sleepily, his eyes still closed.

Justin answers by taking him more deeply into his mouth and doubling his efforts, an action that spurs Brian into an orgasmic frenzy.

He painfully tightens his hold on Justin’s hair as ribbons of ecstasy course through him and into his lovers’ mouth.

Justin swallows him, giving no quarter as he greedily gulps down the sweet salty essence that is purely Brian. It’s a taste Justin craves, leaving him heady with desire each and every time he’s rewarded with it.

Brian collapses back onto the bed and releases his hold on Justin.

Spent, and breathing heavily, he pulls his blonde up to him and kisses him thoroughly, reveling in the taste of himself in Justin’s mouth.

Their tongues dance their familiar dance and this time it is Justin who moans deeply.

Dazed, and intoxicated with lust, Justin raises his head.

“Merry Christmas.” He breathes.

Brian smiles his sexy smile and reaches over to grab a condom.

“It’s about to get even merrier.” He purrs seductively then holds the packet to Justin’s mouth, urging him to tear it open with his teeth.

Justin obeys without hesitation. Once freed, Justin takes the condom and lowers himself to sheath Brian.

Brian stills his movements.

Justin looks up at him questioningly.

“You.” He commands.

Justin’s eyes glazed over with lust at Brian’s command.

He leans in and kisses Brian lips before sheathing himself. Then, very lovingly, he rolls Brian over.

Brian sighs deeply as Justin’s tongue begins to lap at the nape of his neck.

Justin proceeds to glide the tip of his tongue down in between Brian’s shoulder blades, then lower, leaving a trail of saliva along his spine stopping at the small of his back. Once there, he lingers, pressing the base of his tongue against his hot skin and gently sucking, tasting the salty sweat from Brian’s spent body.

He’s rewarded with a deep moan from Brian.

He then continues his journey down to his ultimate destination.

Brian sucked his breath in as Justin worked his tongue in and around him, making his blood rush to his head, and giving him an impossible hard on.

He had to bite his pillow to keep from crying out as Justin performed his magic.

“You’re too fucking good at that you know.” He managed to croak out.

Justin raised his head. “I learned from the Master.” He said then slid back up Brian’s body.

Wet, and ready, Justin eased himself into Brian.

Brian hissed at the sweet intrusion and pushed back. Justin reached around for his hand and entwined their fingers. Their matching cowry bracelets scrape against each other’s.

Justin began to move slowly in and out of Brian, creating a rhythm that was leisurely and painfully measured. Each stroke left Brian panting, and wanting more. Though he would never voice it. He didn’t have to, his body spoke it to Justin; it was how they best communicated after all.

Justin felt the moment Brian needed more. He increased his tempo, and bit down on Brian’s shoulder. Fuck! He was going to cum, and he didn’t want to cum before Brian.

Brian chuckled, as if Justin spoke his thoughts out loud.

“Don’t wait for me Sunshine.” He said and mercilessly squeezed his muscles around Justin’s cock.

”FUCK!” Justin yelled, and stopped his movements. He held himself perfectly still inside Brian, trying to calm himself.

Brian once again tightened himself around Justin.

“STOP!” Justin cried out. He laid his forehead against Brian’s back and tightened his grip on Brian’s hand.

“For God sakes, just stop….” He sounded so pitiful, Brian laughed, but relented. He was perfectly content to stay there feeling the fullness of his blonde deeply inside of him for as long as Justin needed.

Once calmed, Justin gingerly moved inside of Brian once again. He leaned over and brushed his lips against Brian’s ear.

“God you’re fucking amazing.” He whispered in a lust-laden voice.

Brian was not immune to the heated purr caressing his ear.

“Fuck me.” He said.

Justin thrust forward, faster, and harder.

“Do you know how this feels?” He rasped out hoarsely through gritted teeth, heedless of the fact that it was a ridiculous question. Of course Brian knew.

Brian made a sound deep in his throat affirming he knew exactly how it felt.

He pushed back against Justin, and brought their joined hands up and held them firmly against his chest. He could feel the shells of their matching cowry bracelets scratch his skin as he turned his head to capture Justin’s mouth.

Justin greedily kissed Brian wanting to lose himself in him, body and soul. When he finally pulled away to catch his breath he found himself looking into the most intense, lust filled, hazel eyes.

He stopped his movements once more, and just stared into Brian’s eyes. They remained like that for what seemed like an eternity, each breathing heavily, each on the verge of their orgasm, when finally, Justin spoke.

“Tell me..” He said.

Brian’s nostril flared, and his eyes grew dark at Justin’s request. Justin had never made the request before. Brian had. Though not often, yet on occasion, when feeling particularly vulnerable, he would demand that Justin ‘tell him’ the words that their bodies were so clearly communicating, but for some reason, his heart needed to hear.

“Tell me…” Justin repeated, more desperately this time, sensing Brian’s hesitation.

Brian held Justin’s gaze, looking past his lust, and into his soul. He moved his mouth so that his lips were barely touching Justin’s, their eyes still locked on each other’s.

“I love you.” He breathed into his mouth right before capturing it, in a soul-rending kiss.

Justin lost it. He came, hard, his body convulsed. His cock pulsated inside of Brian, which triggered Brian’s own orgasm.

Brian held on to his boy as waves of pleasure washed over them.

He felt a tear slide down his face, and into the corner of their joined mouths. Justin’s tear. He lapped it up with his tongue and shared it with his lover.

It was as an act so intimate, Brian’s only thought was…

Home…..

Justin collapsed against Brian’s back, panting.

Brian eased himself off of Justin and turned around to gather him in his arms.

He held him tight as Justin suddenly let a floodtide of emotions empty on to him. It was so powerful he shook from it.

When he finally calmed, Brian kissed the top on his head and pulled back from him.

“If you’re going burst a dam every time I tell you I love you, I’m going to have to get waterproof sheets. Come to think of it, as much as we fuck, I should get them anyway.” Brian teased.

Justin laughed, and then hiccupped. Brian laughed.

“You know, you are going to be the death of me.” He said, pulling Justin close to him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen, its just…well, everything. Us, the baby, Fuck Brian its Christmas! Our first Christmas!” Justin exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Um, I hate to burst your bubble Sunshine but it’s not our first Christmas.” Brian corrected.

“It’s our first Christmas as Mr. and Mr. Corporation.” Justin said with a sly smile.

Brian groaned.

Justin pushed himself up off of Brian.

“And we’re late!” He said jumping out of the bed.

“Jesus we’re do you get the energy?” Brian complained and rolled over on his side. After a fuck session like that, he needed at least 20 minutes rest.

He heard the shower running and incredibly, his cock stirred. He pulled the sheet up and looked down at his rebellious member and smiled.

Youth had its advantages, but having a cock that could out last the energizer bunny trumped youth any day, in his opinion.

He was about to join his blonde ambition when he heard the buzzer.

Grumbling, he got up to answer it.

“Yeah.” He said pushing the button.

“It’s me Bri, let me up.” Emmett’s’ voice came over the intercom.

Brian buzzed him up and when to put on some sweats. He popped his head into the bathroom.

“Em’s here.” He said then went to let Emmett in.

He opened the door and growled at Emmett. “You’re early.” He said.

Emmett smiled at him. “Merry Christmas to you too.” He said then walked past him and into the loft.

Brian closed the door and turned to face him. Justin was already out of the shower, dripping with a towel around his waist. He knew he wanted to be present when Brian gave Emmett his gift.

“Em!” Justin greeted cheerily and walked over to him and hugged him.

“Merry Christmas sweetie!” Emmett said hugging Justin back.

“Oh my, I hope I didn’t come at bad time.” He said noticing Justin’s very wet state, and Brian’s half dressed appearance.

“You did.” Brian snapped.

Justin threw him a warning look.

“Of course not!” Justin said.

“Well you did say to come here first before heading to Rena’s. And to tell the truth darling, I’ve been dyyyying with curiosity over what this is all about!” Emmett said dramatically.

Justin looked over at Brian. Brian made a face.

“Here’s the deal Honeycutt..”

“Don’t’ call me Honeycutt..”

“Whatever. The thing is we wanted to give you your Christmas gift.” Brian said.

Emmett looked at him confused.

“Well why didn’t you just give it to me at Rena’s silly!” He asked.

“Because it’s not from us, it’s from James.” Brian said.

Emmett’s hands flew to his mouth as he shrieked. Tears glistened in his eyes.

Brian looked over at Justin. “See, I told you he was going to cry.” He said.

Justin laughed. “Em, we didn’t even give you the gift yet.” He said.

Emmett pulled his hands away from his mouth. “I just can’t believe he thought to buy me a gift! He hasn’t called in over a month!” Emmett said.

“You know he’s working undercover Em. I’ve had very limited contact with him. An occasional phone call, always brief, and just to let me know he’s all right. I have no idea where he is, or when he’ll be back. However, the last time he called, he asked me to deliver his gift to you.” Brian said.

Emmett jumped up and down and clapped his hands. “Oh my God! What is it, what is it!” He chanted in a childlike manner.

Brian shook his head and went over to the kitchen and picked up the envelope that was lying on the counter. He walked back to Emmett and handed it to him.

Emmett grabbed it and quickly opened it. He looked inside and pulled out a key.

“What’s this for?” He asked studying the key.

“Maybe there’s a note inside.” Justin suggested, anxious to see what James got Emmett.

Emmett scanned the contents of the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. He unfolded it and read it out loud.

“My dearest Em,  
I am very sorry that I have not been around, nor contacted you, but it is necessary that my cover not be jeopardized. I ask that you destroy this letter, either burn it or shred it as soon as you finished reading it.   
Having said that, first, let me say, Merry Christmas.

Second, stop fucking around.”

 

Emmett paused and looked up. “How the fuck does he know I’ve been fucking around!” He asked stomping his foot looking at Brian accusingly.

Brian held up his hands. “Don’t fucking look at me! I didn’t tell him! Though it’s common knowledge what a slut you are.” He said.

Emmett huffed. “Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.” He mumbled, and then went back to reading.

“Our separation does not give you license to go out tricking every night. Yes, I’ve been keeping my eye on you. I’m very disappointed. And you will see how disappointed when you meet me at 234 Wilton Street, Claysville. The key I sent along with this letter is to a cabin I’ve rented there. Meet me there tonight, at midnight, where we will celebrate our own Christmas. You are not to tell anyone, except of course Brian and Justin, since I’m sure you are reading this to them now.”

Emmett looked up again with an embarrassed flush to his skin.

Justin and Brian laughed.

Emmett cleared his throat and continued.

“Tell them I said congratulations, and I hope to be back soon. Take your own car, and be careful that you are not followed, though I am sure you won’t be. Until tonight, know that I have missed you, and look forward to our reunion.  
Yours, James.”

 

Emmett barely got the last sentence out through his tears. He held his hand to his throat and made a choking sound.

Justin went over to him and put his arm around his shoulder. Emmett started fanning himself.

“I just can’t believe it! My Jamesy still loves me!” He said with a trembling emotional voice.

“Of course he does.” Justin said.

“Oh for Christ sakes with all the dramatics! I can see this day is going to be filled with lesbianic moments!” Brian complained and walked out of the room.

Justin sighed and watched him go into their bedroom. He heard Brian enter the bathroom and turn the shower on. He turned his attention back to Emmett.

“I’m so happy for you! What a wonderful Christmas gift!” Justin said hugging his friend.

Emmett hugged him back then pulled away suddenly. His face grew white. “You don’t think he’s too mad about, you know, my, um, little excursions do you?” Emmett asked coyly.

Justin tilted his head in thought. “Hmmm.. Don’t know. You’ll just have to find out tonight.” He said.

Emmett scrunched his face up. “Well just to be on the safe side, I better wear something irresistible.” He said.

“Couldn’t hurt.” Justin agreed.

Emmett hugged him again. “I’m so lucky to have friends like you!”

“And we’re happy to have you as our friend.” Justin said honestly.

Emmett made a face. “Well, I’m sure you are. I’m not so sure his Majesty feels the same way.” Emmett said.

Justin laughed. “Please, you two get off on insulting each other. You know he’d do anything for you.” Justin said.

Emmett put his finger to his chin and smiled. “Really? Do you think he’d let me borrow his ‘fuck me’ Forzieri leather jacket?” He asked slyly.

“Em, the only one with access to that Jacket is Conchetta, our house keeper. I’m not even allowed near it! Unless you have a Spanish accent and having an affair with the dry cleaner man, then you’re shit out of luck.” Justin said looking way too serious.

They both laughed.

“That woman has more balls then me if she’s fucking him. I’ve seen the guy who runs the dry cleaner’s.” Emmett made a face and shivered in disgust.

Justin slapped him playfully. “Don’t be mean.” He said.

“Well then, I better get going. Since I can’t borrow from the Kinney ‘fuck me’ wardrobe, I need to find something fabulous to wear some where else.” Emmett said stuffing the note back into the envelop, along with the key.

“I still have to wrap my gifts, I promised Rena I’d make canapés for dinner, and… oh.. Well there’s just so much to do before tonight!” Emmett said in one long run on sentence while flaring his arms.

Justin’s head was spinning.

“I’ll see you at Rena’s later.” Emmett gave Justin a quick chaste kiss then turned to leave.

“Um, Em.. aren’t you forgetting something?” Justin asked.

Emmett turned around and looked at him. “What?” He asked.

“The letter? You need to destroy it.” Justin reminded him.

“As soon as I map quest the address, I’ll burn it.” Emmett said.

“Ok, but do it as soon as possible.” Justin advised.

Emmett put the envelop in his back pocket.

“I will, honey don’t worry!” He waved his hands dismissively.

Justin walked him to the door.

“And Em, remember, DON’T tell anyone!” Justin reminded him.

Emmett gave him an affronted look. “I’m not stupid Justin! Just sentimental. I won’t tell a soul.” He promised on his way out.

Justin shut the loft door behind him. Well that went well he thought as he headed for the bathroom. Emmett was thrilled with his gift.

He threw the towel that was wrapped around his waist to the floor as he entered the shower.

He wondered, as Brian grabbed him and started ravishing him, if Brian would like his gift to him as much…

 

**************************************************************************

 

“Merry Christmas Mother Kinney.” Justin said holding a practiced smile on his face as Joan opened the door.

Brian had to refrain from cursing at the sight of his mothers’ very glassy, shocked eyes. It was only 11 a.m. and she was half drunk. He knew this was a bad idea.

“What are you doing here?” She half slurred.

Justin took a step forward, forcing Joan to move out of the way so he could enter.

“We’re here because it’s Christmas of course, and we wanted to deliver our gifts in person.” Justin said lifting his arms that were laden with brightly wrapped presents to verify his words.

“We?” Joan said with an aristocratic tone.

Brian followed Justin in and closed the door behind them. He knew what was coming next. He shook his head. Why did he let Justin talk him into this? Wait, he knew why. Because he couldn’t fucking think straight when Justin applied his wiles on him. And those “wiles” were applied in the car on the way over.

Brian had sworn he was NOT going to his mothers’ house, but that went out the window once Justin’s mouth closed down on his cock in the car.

“Yes, we. Your son and I. I know, we’re going to Hell, yada.. yada…” Justin said dismissively as he looked around for a place to put the gifts.

He spotted the coffee table in the living room and went to put the presents down on it. He then stood and faced Joan.

“But it is Christmas, I think we can put Hell on hold until tomorrow, don’t you?” Justin challenged.

Joan turned to Brian, ignoring Justin. “Why did you bring that boy to my house?” She asked perturbed.

“That “Boy”, mother, is my partner.” Brian stated.

Joan cringed.

“Such nonsense in my house.” She said then walked to the kitchen where she picked up her half empty glass.

Brian watched as his mother downed the rest of the brown liquid. Whiskey. She reeked of it.

“Uncle Brian!” Little John entered the room. He ran to Brian and gave him a hug.

Brian hugged him back smiling at his little nephew. He was the only on in his fucked up family that he actually liked. It was a shame Claire didn’t allow him to see the boy more often. He only saw him on birthdays and holidays, and any other occasion that required a gift from Brian.

“Johnny! Look at you! You’ve grown at least a foot since I last saw you.” Brian held John at arms length by the shoulders. He tilted his head and studied the boy.

“Did you make the team?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. Last time he talked to the boy was over the summer. Claire called Brian to remind him it was his birthday. Johnny just turned 10. Brian always gave his nephews money as presents, not knowing what to buy them. He knew his bitch of a sister took the money for herself, and didn’t give a dime to her kids. It was why he insisted on giving them the money in person. He’d hand them an envelope in front of their mother. She would take it from them for ‘safe keeping’. He then hand them a twenty or fifty when they got older, when she wasn’t looking and tell them to keep it a secret.

He’d been doing that since they were five. Though he stopped doing it with Peter when Peter turned nine.

Brian tried to sneak money to Peter on his ninth birthday. He took the money and asked, loud enough for his mother to hear, “What’s this? A bribe fag?” Brian never did that again.

Peter was now 14, and still a horrid little guttersnipe.

Little Johnny was different though. He always thanked him and kept their little secret. John like Brian, and was always respectful. There was a kindness about the boy that was lacking in his mother and brother.

“YES! I even get to play center!” John said enthusiastically, answering Brian’s question

Brian high fived him. He wasn’t surprised. The boy was tall for his age, like Brian was.

Peter came walking into the room behind his brother, his attention glued to the game boy he held in his hands.

Claire was right behind him.

“Well this is a surprise. What brings you here today? The delivery guy get sick?” She said sarcastically.

“Nice to see you too Claire.” Brian smirked. He turned to Justin.

“Can we go now?” He asked.

“Who’s that uncle Bri?” John asked.

“John this is Justin, he’s my boyfriend.” Brian said throwing his sister a daring look.

“Fuck Brian, you don’t need to throw your lifestyle in my children’s faces!” She snapped.

Justin ignored her and went over to the boy and held out his hand. From the reception Brian gave the boy, he knew Brian cared for the child.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” He said.

John smiled up at Justin and shook his hand. “Wow, you’re gay?” He asked with what could only be described as genuine child curiosity.

Justin laughed. “Yes, I’m gay.” He answered.

“Johnny!” His mother admonished. “We don’t ask rude questions!” She said.

“It’s ok, it’s a perfectly natural question. You must be Claire.” Justin said and offered his hand. Claire had the good manners to accept it, coldly.

Peter lifted his head. “Great, another fag.” He said.

“Ah, you must be Peter.” Justin said. “And a ‘fag’ is what they call a cigarette in England. Used in this country, fag is a nasty word, you shouldn’t use.” He said to the boy.

Peter shrugged his shoulders and went back to his game.

“Brian really, did you have to bring ‘that’ boy here?” His mother joined the conversation.

Brian sighed. “Actually, I didn’t want to come here. Justin insisted. You see, he thinks of you as family for some unfathomable reason. I tried to tell him he was wrong, the only family I ever had were the Cardies.” Brian’s words cut cruelly.

“But, well, he seems to think just because you pushed me out, that somehow that qualifies you as a mother. Of course we both know better, don’t we Joan? Maybe you can do a better job of convincing him otherwise.” He said, venom dripping with each word.

Joan looked quite uncomfortable by Brian’s words.

Justin threw Brian a reproachful look.

“Stop being cruel. As blessed as we are, is it necessary to cause her more pain? For God sakes, look at her.” Justin leaned in and whispered harshly to Brian.

Brian snorted.

“I know you hate me. I’m use to it.” Joan said. She turned to Justin then.

“He’s right. I’m not his mother.” She said.

Justin frowned. “You are his mother Joan. You may not have raised him, but you did give birth to him, and for that alone, I’m grateful.” Justin said.

Joan turned away and headed back to the kitchen. No doubt to get another drink Justin thought. He followed her leaving Brian with his sister and nephews in the living room.

“Mind pouring me one?” He asked as he watched Joan fill her glass with more whiskey.

Joan looked up at him surprised that he followed her. She shrugged and pulled a glass down from the cabinet and splashed some of the harsh liquid into it. She then handed it to him.

Justin took it and raised it to her. She picked up her glass and saluted him, a harsh sardonic smile played on her lips.

“You know you should tell him.” He said.

Joan shook her head. “Why? Does it really matter?” She asked.

Justin put his glass down and looked around the kitchen. He remembered the last time he was here, demanding she show up at the ‘intervention’. Though Joan didn’t know what Justin had planned at the time. He tricked her into coming.

Joan revealed to him that day that she loved Brian, but didn’t know how to show it. Oh, she believed with every fiber of her being that he was going to Hell for being gay, but still, she loved him. Like she loved her brother, Aidan. Who was killed because he was gay. It was why she constantly asked her own son to change his ways, telling him he was going to Hell. She was trying to frighten him, as much as she was frightened.

Joan was always frightened for Brian. It was the reason why she gave him up to the Cardies. She was afraid Jack would kill him. She knew first hand what Jack was capable of it. When she refused to abort her child, Jack beat her, badly, hoping to kill the child with in her. Still, Joan refused. Then after the birth, he threatened to kill them both. That’s when Joan sent Brian to live with Rena’s family.

Brian didn’t know what Joan sacrificed in order to keep him safe. Jack hated having kids, and a family. It was bad enough he had Claire, but another child only made him feel more trapped. He turned his anger onto Joan and Brian. Brian got his first beating from Jack at the age of three. A fact Joan revealed to him at the intervention. She realized then, she couldn’t protect him and sent him to the Cardies.

She had told Justin the truth of her feelings for her son in a drunken induced state that day he visited her. Now she needed to tell Brian.

“He needs to know that you tried to keep him safe. That you didn’t willingly abandon him.” Justin said.

Joan looked into the bottom of her glass as if she was looking for answers to jump out at her.

“But I didn’t, did I? He has every right to hate me. In the end, I failed. What that man in that house did to him…” Joan couldn’t bring herself to speak the words.

Justin furrowed his brow. “Joan, what do you think Emilian did to Brian?” He asked.

She took a deep breath. “What he did to his own son. It’s why my son is gay. That vile man raped him.” She said.

Justin sucked his breath in. He was sure that wasn’t true, Brian would tell him if that happened, wouldn’t he? But then again, Emilian had raped Rena, and she never told Brian. Could Brian be hiding something like that from her as well? And from him?

“Joan, are you sure? I mean, I know what he did to his own son, Brian told me, but Brian never indicated that he was abused in that house.” Justin said.

Joan looked up at him, her eyes deep red. “How else can you explain it then? Brian was all ‘boy’. He was a strong athlete, he wasn’t like Aidan. Aidan was always a bit, you know, feminine. But Brian, no, my son was never. THAT MAN, made my son gay! And because of it, he’s damned.” Joan broke down and started crying.

Justin shook his head. The woman truly needed therapy and an education on human sexuality.

He went over to her and rubbed her back. She had dropped her head down on the counter, on top of her arms and was sobbing.

“Joan, Emilian did not make Brian gay. Brian was born gay. Just because he isn’t feminine, doesn’t mean he’s not gay. It’s complicated, and I can’t explain it properly, but I can recommend someone you can talk to who can explain human sexuality better than me. You really have to stop letting your religious beliefs destroy your last chance at having a relationship with your son. You told us at the loft that you got along great with your brother, and he was gay. Why can’t you have a relationship with your son?” Justin asked.

Joan hiccupped and raised her head. “Because I SAW Aidan get murdered!” She blurted out.

Justin gaped at her. Shock ripped through his body. No wonder the woman was so fucked up. He couldn’t imagine what that must have done to her.

“I was there! I had just met Jack, we were dating. We had a fight that night and I called Aidan to come and get me. He picked me up, I remember I was crying. We got a flat. Aidan pulled over to fix it. It was late. And they came…..” Joan was retelling the story with a far away look in her eyes. Justin didn’t dare move or speak.

“They recognized him. The whole town knew Aidan was, different. It was obvious. He was, soft, gentle… kind. “ She looked back into her glass. Justin followed her gaze as if expecting to find something in the bottom of it. Perhaps, salvation.

“They held me down, and raped me. I watched, as did the same to him…and when they were done, he was dead. But I was still alive. They told me they’d kill me if I told anyone. They threw me in their car and drove me home. My parents didn’t suspect a thing. They thought Jack drove me home. I went upstairs and took a shower. The next day, the police came and told my parents they found Aidan, murdered. I never said a word………”

Joan retold the story as if she was describing a scene from somebody else’s life.

Justin’s throat constricted. Tears formed in his eyes.

“Oh my God Joan. Have you ever told anyone?” He asked.

She shook her head no.

She then laughed, a little hysterically. “Not even God.” She added, and then finished the remaining liquid in her glass.

“I got pregnant. I told Jack it was his. He made me get an abortion. Said we weren’t ready. He sent me to this friend of his. It was painful, and horrid. I was sick for weeks afterwards. I swore that I’d never abort another child of mine again. I think he only let me have Claire because we were married by then, and he felt guilty about making me get rid of our first child. But he made it clear, he didn’t’ want any more after she was born. When I got pregnant with Brian he told me I had to get rid of it. I refused. I would rather die than commit that sin again. I nearly did. The night I told him I wasn’t going to have an abortion he beat me so bad I wound up in the hospital. But he didn’t kill my son.” Joan looked up at Justin triumphantly.

“That bastard was NOT going to kill my boy!” She said more forcefully.

Justin stood there in shock. Brian had no idea how much strength his mother had. It was something he inherited from her. That uncanny ability to survive the worse life threw at them, and come out of it, whole. Well, almost whole…

“Don’t you think it’s time you told Brian about this? If for no other reason, then to clear HIS conscious! He believes you a cold hearted bitch who gave him up. The truth is, you were just being strong, for him.” Justin went to her and put is hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him.

“Stop trying to save yourself and your son from sins that neither of you are guilty of, or had any control over.” Justin said then did something unexpected.

Something impulsive.

He pulled Joan in and hugged her tight.

At first, she resisted, but then, she gave in and put her arms around him and started crying into his shoulder.

That was the scene Brian walked in on.

“What the fuck?” He said, his face registering his shock.

Justin pulled away from Joan and smiled over at him. Brian could see he was crying. He also saw the empty second glass of whiskey on the table.

“Jesus Christ! Are you drinking with her now?” Brian said and walked over to them.

He pulled Justin protectively away from his mother.

He turned his attention to Justin. “We’re going.” He said. He had no idea what the fuck was going on between them, but seeing Justin embracing his mother… seeing his mother embracing him back, with affection, disturbed Brian. She was showing him affection. Affection she could not show her own son.

“Brian, calm down.” Justin said.

“I AM CALM.” Brian snapped.

“Oh stop yelling at the boy! He’s just trying to help.” Joan sneered.

Ok, this was too much to bear. Joan defending his gay lover.

“Have I just entered the twilight zone? You hate him! You hate me!” Brian said.

 

”Brian, your mother thinks you’re gay because Emilian raped you.” Justin blurted out.

Joan gasped.

Brian’s eyes snapped to her. “What the FUCK gave you that idea?” He demanded.

“It’s not true, right?” Justin asked.

Brian looked at him stunned. “NO!” He said.

Justin just stared, trying to gauge the truth of his denial.

Brian sighed. “Justin, no. I promise you, he did not rape me.” He said.

Justin nodded his head. Relief flooded him. He laid his hand on Brian’s arm.

“There’s something else you need to know, she saw her brother get murdered.” He said.

“You awful, dreadful boy! Get out of my house! I should have never told you!” Joan said shocked at Justin’s audacity. She didn’t expect him to just blurt out what she told him.

Justin turned to her. “I’m going to tell him everything. I’m sorry Joan, but you told me for a reason. I think it’s because you want him to know, but you don’t know how to tell him. There is so much pain and distrust between the two of you.” Justin said.

“What are you talking about?” Brian asked in a deceptively calm voice.

Joan turned to her son. “It’s not his place to tell you, it’s mine. And he’s right. I told him part of it last time he was here, and today I told him the rest because I needed YOU to know.” Joan admitted.

“Know what.” Brian pressed in that same deadpan voice.

Joan retold the story of Aidan’s murder, her rape, her abortion; Jacks attempt to make her abort him, and all the ugly details in between. When she was done, both mother and son stood there, staring at each other, as if seeing each other for the first time.

The tension in the room was so thick Justin was finding it hard to breathe.

“Who else knows?” Brian asked when he finally found his voice.

“No one.” Joan said.

Brian took a deep breath. “You should have told me.” He said.

“Why? There was nothing you could do. Besides, what difference does it make? I sent you to a house that was more evil than mine as it turned out. When you came back, Jack began beating you again. He had heard the rumors. Everyone knew Emilian had prostituted his son out to men. That his boy died of AIDS. Jack thought that he had prostituted you out as well. He thought he could beat the evil out of you. But you were much stronger than that.” Joan said, pride in her voice.

“I was glad you ran off to New York. I thought finally, you would be free. I knew if you could survive what happened in that house, you could survive anything. Then when you came back, as a man, Jack seemed to finally accept you. And you forged a relationship with him. With him.. “ She emphasized.

“Yet me, well, me you hated.” Joan laughed bitterly.

“Funny how that happened, isn’t it?” She said.

Brian cringed. She was right. He did forge a relationship with his father as a man. His father was ruthless and cruel, but at least those were emotions. His mother was emotionless. When he came back, he went to his father as a man, ready for what ever, but Jack surprised him. He was proud of him. His accomplishments. And Brian hung on to that. He heard the stories on how Jack wanted Joan to abort him. No child wants to know they weren’t wanted. So he accepted Jacks pitiful praise and continued to see him. Each time it killed Brian a little more because it was all a lie. He wasn’t himself around Jack, he was who Jack wanted him to be. It was the only time Brian ever was untrue to himself and know one knew, except Michael. And later on, Justin. Rena was gone by then.

“I didn’t know.” Brian said quietly.

“No, of course you didn’t. You didn’t want to know either.” She said.

And there it was, once again. Another case in point where he only saw what he wanted to see. A cold heartless mother who didn’t want her own son. Not an abused woman who did what she could to protect her son. A woman who saw more horrors in life than any one person should. Something he could relate to, he’d seen horrors that great.

“You’re right. I didn’t want to know. Not that it matters now, but my relationship with Jack was fake. He never loved me. He never knew me. I only told him I was gay when he told me he was dying. He, like you, wished me dead.” Brian said.

Joan went over to Brian.

“SLAP!” She slapped him across the face shocking both he and Justin.

“Hate me, despise me, kill me. But don’t EVER tell me I EVER wished you dead! I did everything I could to keep you alive! And I continue to try to do that! God may forgive you for being gay, but society won’t! They killed Aidan, they almost killed your own partner, and one day they will try to kill you! It’s why I pray every day and night that you stop it! Just STOP.” Joan was hysterical at this point.

 

Brian looked at Justin lost as what to do. Justin pushed him towards her. Brian awkwardly put his arms around his mother. It was such a foreign feeling. He looked over at Justin again and glared at him. Justin waved his hands towards her, indicating he should hug her, comfort her.. Brian sighed.

He tightened his hold on her. “Believe me Joan, there are many reasons why people want to kill me that have nothing to do with being gay.” He said.

Joan pulled away from him and wiped her eyes. She laughed, despite her intentions to remain serious.

“Not funny Brian.” She said.

Brian looked at her somberly.

 

“I saw Justin get bashed.” He said.

Another thing they had in common. They both saw people they loved attacked viciously, and just because of who they were.

Joan sucked her breath in.

“I’m sorry.” She said.

“Me too.” He said.

They were sorry that the other had to endure such horrors. They were sorry that there were people in the world so cruel; you were powerless to stop them. They were sorry for their losses and their pain. But most of all, they were sorry for not having this talk earlier.

Joan straightened her shoulders, her pride kicking in. Justin watched the visual transformation with respect. It was purely a Kinney move. If Brian ever feared he was like his father, just watching his mother should prove other wise. He was more Joan’s son, than anything.

“I have a Christmas present for your son.” She said, changing the subject, and the mood.

Brian smiled.

“I’ll bring him by this week. You can give it to him yourself.” He said.

Joan nodded. It was the closet thing to affection they were going to get, for now.

It was a start.

Brian turned to Justin. “We really should be going now. Rena will be waiting and I still have to give you your present.” He said.

Justin nodded. He walked over to Joan and gave her a quick hug.

“We’ll be back, if that’s ok with you.” He said.

Joan nodded her head.

They all walked back out into the living room. The kids had already opened their gifts.

Little Johnny was the first to run to them. “Uncle Brian thanks!” He said hugging him.

Justin had bought him a Lego erector set.

Brian hugged the boy back and slipped a fifty inside his pocket.

“Remember, our secret.” He whispered in the boy’s ear. Johnny giggled and pulled away. He looked up at Brian and winked. Brian had to hold his laughter in.

The boy ran back to play with his new toy.

Claire slapped Peter’s head. “Say thank you to your uncle.” She ordered.

Peter looked up. “Um, yeah thanks.” He said and went back to playing his game boy. Justin had bought him a very nice watch that not only told time, but gave the weather, and took pictures. Peter wasn’t impressed.

Brian went in his pocket and pulled out an envelope and handed it to Claire. As much as he despised his sister for her weakness, and pettiness, he knew she had a hard life. They were never close, they barely knew each other, but Brian knew Jack was not kind to her, and her ex husband was always late paying child support, which was minimal. Plus, she was there for Joan. Mostly because Joan threw her money now and then, but also to pick her up when she was too drunk to pick her self up, or to take her shopping, or to church. Brian was good at handing out cash. He left the day to day caring to his sister.

“Make sure your rent is paid, and the electric.” He said.

Claire took the envelope and nodded. “Thank you.” She said.

Justin then went to the table and picked their gift to Joan and handed it to her.

“Brian and I didn’t know what to get you, so we hope you like this.” He said.

It was the one gift Brian actually knew about. The rest, he let Justin pick out for them.

Joan opened the small box Justin handed her. She pulled out the long gold chain with cross pendant hanging off of it and looked at it. Then her eyes moved to her son.

“Thank you.” She said. Brian nodded.

She then cleared her throat.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a gift for you Justin. I had no idea you were still with Brian.” She explained, embarrassed.

“I thought you’d come to your senses by now.” She added.

Justin laughed.

“Joan just being here today, was gift enough. Believe me.” He said truthfully.

Joan smiled. “I do however, have a gift for you.” She said to Brian.

She went down the hall to her bedroom. When she returned, she was carrying a wrapped package that looked suspiciously like a book.

Brian leaned over and whispered to Justin. “I swear to God I’m going to throw it if it’s a Bible.” He said. Justin elbowed him to be quiet, he let out a small “oomph..”

“I thought you might like this.” She said and handed it to him.

Brian opened the package, and indeed, it was a book. The title…”Running with Sissors.” Brian raised his eyebrow at her.

“What is this?” He asked.

“It’s a story about a dysfunctional family. Much like ours. I thought you might like it.” She said.

Brian laughed. He opened it and read from one of the reviews.

“Bookman gave me attention. We would go for long walks and talk about all sorts of things. Like how awful the nuns were in his Catholic school when he was a kid how he had to learn how to roll his lips over his teeth when he gave a blowjob," writes Burroughs about his affair, at age 13, with the 33-year-old son of his mother's psychiatrist..”

Brian laughed. The irony was not lost on him.

“Look at that Sunshine, another may/december gay relationship. How romantic.” He quipped.

Justin made a face. “I was NOT 13!” He said.

“No, but not far from it.” Brian couldn’t help but tease Justin.

Justin shot daggers at him. Brian laughed.

“A little risqué for you isn’t it mother?” Brian said, unconscious of the fact he called Joan ‘mother’, and not with his normal sarcastic tone he used when using that term.

“Perhaps for me, but I thought you would appreciate it.” She said.

“And you may have not been 13 Justin, but when I first saw you, you most definitely looked it!” She said turning her attention back to Justin.

“ I was 18!” He shouted, clearly trying to defend himself.

“18 when she first saw you not when I first Fuc..”

“AHEM!” Claire cleared her throat loudly to remind Brian there were children in the room.

Brian pulled his bottom lip in. “Well, lets just say he was a little Lolita.” Brian amended; he was having way too much fun at Justin’s expense.

“Now that I believe.” Joan said and made a disapproving face.

Justin clapped his hands together. “Ok, well, this was good! But we really have to be going. So we’re on for next year, right?” He said in an attempt to change the subject, the subject being him.

Claire laughed, Joan even cracked a smile.

“Come on Mr. Ambassador. I believe your mission is completed here. Merry Christmas everyone.” Brian said and grabbed their coats.

They all said goodbye, and Brian promised Joan he’d bring Gus by later in the week.

Once out in the car, Justin let out a long breath.

He turned to Brian.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

Brian shot him a sideways look as he pulled out of the driveway.

“Lets just say it’s a lot to process.” He said.

“It makes sense though, doesn’t it? I mean, why she was always so cold and distant? My God what she went through, no wonder she despises you being gay. Look what being gay did to her brother. And Jack making her get an abortion? Jesus! With her strong Catholic beliefs? She stood up to him though, you got to admire her strength.” He rambled, trying to get some reaction out of Brian.

Brian looked over at him. “It’s ok Justin. I’m fine. Actually, I’m better than fine. As horrible as all the revelations were today, it was also very liberating. Like you said, it explains a lot, and it’s healing in a way. I may never feel that mother – son connection with her, but I think we now have some common ground to communicate. Now only if you can get her to stop believing we’re going to Hell.” Brian said, half tongue in cheek.

“What? And spoil her fun?”

They both laughed.

It was a beautiful cold winter day. They drove for awhile enjoying the scenery in silence, each in their own thoughts..

“Hey, wait.. This isn’t the way to Rena’s.” Justin said suddenly realizing that they were are a road he didn’t recognize.

Brian turned the car towards Justin’s present.

“I told you I still had to give you your gift, didn’t I? Well, it was too big to ship to Rena’s, so I’m taking you to it.” He said mysteriously.

Justin narrowed his eyes. Brian had that look on his face. Justin smiled with anticipation.

Whatever Brian got him, Justin had a feeling it was going to be hard to top…..


	64. Christmas Cheers and Tears

I carry your heart with me  
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in   
my heart)I am never without it(anywhere   
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done   
by only me is your doing, my darling)   
I fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)I want   
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)   
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant   
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows   
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud   
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows   
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)   
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)

 

~ee cummings

 

Justin dreamily lounged in the passenger seat, enjoying the beautiful scenic stretch of land they were driving through. His mind drifted; his mood reflective.

They had been on a non stop emotional roller-coaster ride for the past several weeks, starting with the intervention, then Justin getting his memory back, James’ mission to ‘out’ Hobbs dark side, Brian’s custody battle, their Celebration, Lindsey’s obsession, Shane’s pregnancy, Rena’s seizures and now Joan’s revelation about her brother’s murder, and her own rape.

He worried how Brian was holding up. There was however, one very joyous event currently going on in their lives. They were having a baby.

They had spent Christmas Eve with Lucy and her kids. It was the most relaxed he’s ever seen Brian. The kids loved their gifts, and Lucy was already glowing. In a few months, she would be far enough along to get a sonogram. Their first baby picture. They couldn’t help but be overjoyed with it all. He had intended to tell Joan their joyous news today but considering the circumstances, he felt it best to leave it for another time. Perhaps later this week when they took Gus to visit her.

Joan couldn’t have surprised them more with that request. He knew Brian was pleased with her interest in his son. Lindsey’s parents hardly acknowledged Gus.

This Christmas was turning out to be full of wonderful surprises. Including one very special surprise that was presently making Justin very nervous.

Brian’s gift to him.

Brian was being very mysterious about it. Justin had no choice but to sit back and wait. He knew that what ever it was, he was going to love it. He just hoped Brian would like his gift to him as well.

Justin cracked the window to let some air in. He loved the smell of fresh fallen snow. The road they were on was heavily wooded; with only a small scattering of houses interrupting it’s symmetry. It was a winter wonderland of white-capped pine trees and rolling hills. Justin was mesmerized by it and was already mapping out in his head a painting capturing the vast frigid landscape on canvas.

He was totally unaware that Brian had been watching him.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Brian said breaking into Justin’s thoughts.

Justin turned to look at him. “Mmmm…..We should take more drives like this. The countryside is so beautiful. I could spend my life painting here, it’s so inspiring.” Justin agreed.

He turned his head to look back out the window when he saw the house.

Up ahead of them, to his right, was a huge sprawling manor. It was something straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting, with a touch of old world. The closer they got, the more intrigued Justin became. There was something about the house that Justin couldn’t quite put his finger on.

Brian tensed up when Justin first spotted the house. He wanted to see his reaction to it, before he told him it was his Christmas gift. He had no idea why he bought it; he just somehow felt Justin would like it. Now though, watching his blonde, he wasn’t so sure. Justin looked…well... confused.

 

“Bri, can we pull over there?” Justin asked pointing to the house.

Brian released his breath, which he didn’t realize he was holding. He smiled to himself. Did he know his boy or what?

“Sure.” He said in a deceptively innocent voice.

Brian pulled the car over and Justin got out. He walked over to the for sale sign, which was now draped with a “sold” banner across it. He frowned and looked back at Brian.

Brian shrugged his shoulders and put his hands in his pocket.

Justin looked up at the massive building. His eyes scanned the tall cupola then traveled down to the verandas on the first and second floors. The architecture was stunning, though the structure was in need of many repairs.

He walked around to the side of the building and gasped.

“Oh my God…” He whispered in awe at the huge steel framed wall of windows that made up the entire east side of the house. Dead overgrown vines covered the tall pane glass, preventing him from seeing what treasure lay inside. He quickly started ripping the offending vines aside.

His heart started racing with expectation as he got a glimpse of the interior. He continued to tear away at the vines frantically.

“Brian, help me.” He said.

Brian went over and started pulling the vines from the house. They succeeded in clearing most of the vines away when Justin stood back and gaped.

An enormous empty room sprawled out before his eyes, drenched in the most spectacular, luminous natural light. Justin could see little dust particles float above cracked wooden floors up into the glorious light giving it an ethereal look. The space was vast, the light indescribable, it was an artists dream.

He looked over at Brian. His eyes filled with wonder.

Brian tilted his head and studied him. “I gather you like it.” He said.

Justin’s face broke out in a brilliant smile that Brian would put up against the sun’s glow any day.

“It’s fucking amazing!” Justin said.

“No, it’s fucking yours.” Brian answered.

Justin’s jaw dropped open. Brian laughed and reached over and put his hand under Justin’s chin, he then proceeded to close his mouth.

“As much as I love it when your mouth is wide open like that Sunshine, unless you intend to use it, don’t tease me.” He said.

Justin just stared at him shocked and speechless.

“Um, hello? I just said it’s your house, your Christmas gift. I bought you a house.” Brian said uncomfortable with Justin’s silence.

“No you didn’t.” Justin finally said, finding his voice. He then turned back to look at his gift.

“You bought me my dream.” He whispered in awe.

“Your dream house?” Brian asked. He didn’t know exactly why he bought the house; he certainly never intended to move in here, he just knew Justin would like it. He may have just inadvertently opened a can of worms.

“No, my ‘dream’. Brian, look at the light, the space…it’s a beautiful blank canvas. Do you know what I’m seeing?” He asked, his gazed fixed on the brightly lit interior.

“Um, probably not what I’m seeing.” Brian answered truthfully. He saw an old house in need of a lot of repairs. Structural, electrical, plumbing…

“I see easels and work stations scattered throughout that room. I see students, young budding artists plying their skills, perfecting them; I see the Taylor-Kinney instituted for young artists. I see future PIFA students being schooled and prepared for the rigorous requirements it takes to get into a good Art school. I see me, teaching, and painting; I see an Art gallery being built down there.” Justin pointed to the sprawling meadow that lay just below the house.

“A gallery that will rival any in Pittsburg, hell in all of Pennsylvania! I see New York Gallery owners coming to OUR gallery to scout young talent..….” He turned to look at Brian.

His exuberance was tangible. Blinding passion, a passion a man felt when pursuing his dreams, burned bright in his eyes. Brian’s chest filled with pride. Justin’s fervor and his vision for his future was awe-inspiring.

“How long have you been thinking about opening your own school?” He asked.

Justin grinned broadly. “Oh, for about a full ten minutes now.” He said.

Brian threw his head back and laughed. He grabbed Justin to him and hugged him.

”That’s my boy. Impulsive as hell, yet brilliant. I think it’s a fucking fabulous idea. Do it.” He said.

Justin threw his arms around his neck and kissed him.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,,,,.” He chanted in-between kisses.

Brian felt invigorated. There was nothing more satisfying to him than making his blonde happy, and Justin was very happy at the moment.

“I’m not as impulsive as you think, you know.” Justin said pulling away from Brian.

“Pity, cause I was hoping you’d impulsively, let me fuck you right about now.” Brian said pulling Justin back to him.

“No seriously, I have been thinking about what I’m going to do when I graduate next year. I want to paint, yes, but I also thought about teaching, like Lins. The house just put it all together for me. How did you know?” Justin asked.

“I didn’t. I saw it, and I thought of you. That’s all.” Brian said reaching around to grab Justin’s ass.

Justin laughed. “Once again Mr. Kinney, fate has intervened!” He said then ‘impulsively’, pushed Brian onto the snow-covered ground where he proceeded to thank his lover, properly, for his fucking amazing Christmas gift…

 

******************************************************************

 

Brian sat on the floor with his back against Rena’s white leather couch; his gaze fixed on the sparks spitting from the logs in the fireplace.

Tom had been feeding it all day. The room was toasty and Brian was enjoying his buzz.

Justin’s head lay in his lap. He could feel the slight rise and fall of his chest beneath his hand indicating that he’d fallen asleep.

He took another sip of the whiskey, savoring the harsh burn as it snaked down his throat.

Thoughts of the day’s events filled his head.

The day started off amazingly enough, with him waking up to his blonde’s hot mouth clasped around his cock.

He shifted to ease the tightness in his pants as his cock responded to the memory. Justin had that affect on him. No matter how many times they fucked, and at this point, they were well into the thousands; it always resulted in mind-blowing orgasms. He couldn’t wait to get home so they could continue with their own private holiday celebrations.

He looked out the window and frowned.

If weather permitted. It was snowing pretty hard outside.

A loud “crack” escaped the fireplace as Tom threw another log on. Emmett, who was sitting at the bar with Margot, jumped at the sound. Brian laughed, and then scowled.

If Emmett didn’t show up when he did, he and Justin would have continued their ‘Christmas’ fuck session in the shower this morning. Unfortunately they had to cut it short because they had to give Emmett his gift from James, which he had blabbed to Ted, who told Mikey, who told Rena….Fucking queen couldn’t keep a secret if his life depended on it.

Well maybe it didn’t matter now. He didn’t think Emmett was going to make it to the cabin tonight in this storm. If he were smart, he wouldn’t risk it.

But then Brian looked over at Emmett and frown. He saw pure determination there. No fucking way was he going to miss his meeting with his “Jamesy’. Brian knew first hand how stubborn Emmett could be.

A trait they both shared. A trait, he found out today, he apparently inherited from his mother.

 

Brian shook his head and took another sip of his whiskey.

Christmas morning at Joan’s was an odd experience, though not entirely unpleasant. He wasn’t ready to reflect on all the revelations from his mother. He would have to deal with it at some point, but now was not the time. Right now he chose to focus his thoughts on more pleasant things like how everyone reacted to their news at dinner that they were having a baby.

Brian would never forget the looks on everyone’s’ faces. They ranged from shock to disbelief, to extreme joy.

And then there was Margot’s response of course; a snort and a “what the fuck is this world coming to’ remark which Brian couldn’t even be mildly upset over because his joy was that strong at that moment.

Justin had made the announcement. He beamed and Brian thought he never looked happier. Rena, Jennifer and Lindsey already knew, but the rest of the gang was shocked. In a positive life affirming way. Deb was amazing, as usual, when it came to accepting people into the family. Not only did she cry buckets over their news, but insisted that they bring Lucy to one of her Sunday dinners. Brian and Justin were both deeply moved.

The rest of the day followed suit. Not only did Brian fucking Kinney expose himself as a, (God help him), “family man”, he participated in every nauseating family holiday tradition, including kissing every member of his family under the mistletoe AND singing Christmas carols!

The realization of what he did hit him suddenly and he was truly revolted. Unfortunately, the whiskey had not dulled his senses enough for him to accept his pathetic role in the sickening hedonistic ‘hetero’ ritual……….He needed something more to affirm that he hadn’t turned into a completely dickless fag before he slit his own wrist.

He looked around for a sharp piece of glass when he spied his best friend and Ben over at the kitchen table looking at family photos and holding hands.

He sighed in relief. Ok, he was safe. He and Justin would NEVER turn into fucking Ozzie and Harriet. That was more little Mikey’s style.

He and Justin were more like Ricky and Lucy if anything.

Brian chuckled to himself, causing Justin to stir in his lap.   
Where the fuck did that thought come from?! Maybe it was because Ricky was pragmatic and stubborn as hell, (much like Brian) while Lucy was impulsive and unpredictable (like Justin) and drove Ricky crazy. Something Justin did very well. Drive him crazy….

He shook his head chasing away his odd thoughts and looked down at his blonde. He ran his fingers through the golden locks, sighing at the silky soft texture.

“Hey, a penny for your thoughts?” Rena said as she sat on the floor next to him.

“Just thinking about how I’m going to get all those fucking gifts home.” Brian said smiling over at his sister.

“Rent a U-Haul?” She suggested.

Brian laughed.

Not only did they have to cart home all of the gifts they received from the family, but Rena had surprised him, much to his heart delight, with a whopping 17 Christmas presents.

One for every Christmas they missed together.

Mikey and Lindsey filled her in on his different ‘phase’, over the years.

At fifteen it was a DVD of “Dirty Dancing” and an autographed photo of Patrick Swayze.

The ages 16-22 were dominated by leather related gifts. Including a pair of black leather pants. He smiled remembering his first time at Babylon, he wore leather pants so tight, some trick in the backroom ripped the zipper because he couldn’t get them off. Brian made him pay for that one. Over and over again. He was 17, the trick had to be at least 30, which Brian thought was ancient at the time, but man could he suck cock. Mikey had to drag him out of there.

Starting at age 23 and on, the gifts got more expense, as did Brian’s addiction to labels emerged during that period. Rena had great taste, being a bit of a fashion horse herself. She gave him an Italian cashmere over coat, a Prada leather briefcase and pair of Cartier 140b men's Sunglasses, which were impressive as hell.

However it was the last gift that really got to him.

It came wrapped in a shoebox, of all things. Inside was all of his letters that he’d written to her over the years. She saved every one. He held back some serious emotions over that one. He couldn’t wait to read them with Justin. He knew Justin would love getting a glimpse into his past. Those letters were pretty detailed. Things only said between siblings. Things Mikey didn’t even know about…..

“You know Justin wants those leather pants.” Brian said turning his attention back to where it always ended up..

“Hmmm…. I’d bet he’d look hot in them.” She said leaning over to look at Justin’s sleeping face.

“God he’s beautiful, isn’t he?” She said studying Justin’s soft features. He looked angelic in his sleep.

Brian made a small sound in his throat. “Yes, he is.” He whispered.

“And extraordinarily talented. That painting of mama is fucking amazing.” Rena said.

Justin had got his hands on a picture of Maria from Adam of all people, and used it to paint Rena a portrait of her mother. It was his Christmas gift to her.

Rena had no pictures of her mother, as she remembered her. Viv had some old pictures of her sister, but not any as a young woman. When Maria married Emilian, Viv and her grew apart. Emilian did not get along with Viv and refused to let her in their house. As a result, Viv and her sister drifted apart.

When Maria died, Emilian went nuts and burned everything of hers, including all pictures with her in it. He never even informed Viv her sister had died. Viv found out only when Brian had written her several years later.

Justin went to Shane asking for a picture of Rena’s mother so he could do the painting. Shane informed him they were all destroyed but Adam said he might be able to dig one up. He knew Emilian was a police sergeant, and he thought that perhaps there was a picture of him in an old newspaper. He said that most police precincts loved public recognition of their officers; it was good for community relations. Sure enough, he found an old photo of Emilian being decorated for some fabricated heroic deed, and his wife was standing next to him.

Justin used that old photo, and what he knew of the woman from what Brian told him, to create this amazing portrait of their mother. He managed to not only capture her likeness but her essence as well. Her eyes were gentle and kind, her features soft and yielding. It was Maria.

Brian smiled over at Rena.

“He really did capture mama, didn’t he?” He said.

“Yes, he did..” Rena agreed.

“He’s pretty brilliant too, you know.” Brian added.

Rena nodded her head. “I’d say so. His school and art gallery are going to be huge fucking successes.” She predicted.

Justin couldn’t wait to tell the family about Brian’s gift to him. They were all excited for Justin, but not shocked. By now, everyone in the family knew there was nothing Brian wouldn’t do for his Sunshine.

Brian sighed. “I know. He’s going to out grow me Re.” Brian said.

Rena made a rude sound in the back of her throat. “Please! He shines because of you Bean, don’t you see that?” She said.

Brian looked over at her and raised his brow.

“You give him the courage and strength to spread his wings. He soars because you are the wind beneath his wings.” She said than made a face at her own bad pun.

Brian laughed. “You’ve been hanging around Margot and Emmett too long. Quoting Bette Midler songs now are we?” He said.

She laughed. “Well, it’s the wine talking, I’ve had too much. Blame John, he likes me drunk.” She said joking.

“Speaking of John, I noticed through all the excitement, and screaming, God Deb has a big mouth..” Brian digressed.

“You didn’t actually say yes.” He said.

Rena frowned. Leave it to her brother to pick up on that. While they were exchanging gifts, John had surprised her by giving her a diamond ring. Before either could speak the whole family was on them showering them with hugs and kisses, and congratulations. She accepted the ring, and thanked everyone, but never actually said ‘yes’.

“Like I had time? Besides, Adam’s little bomb pretty much took the focus off of us.” Rena excused

Brian sneered. During all the ‘congratulations and well wishing’, Emmett had asked Rena if he could plan their wedding. That’s when Adam spoke up asking Emmett if he could handle planning two weddings.

When Brian asked him if he intended to marry Shane, Adam said no.

He said they were already married.

That sent everyone into another fit of screams of joy and congratulations.

Brian was NOT happy with Adam. He didn’t even give Brian the courtesy of talking to him about his intentions. At least John had the decency to ask Brian for Rena’s hand, Adam on the other hand, spit in his face by whisking Shane away to Vegas for a quick wedding without even telling Rena. It was just plain disrespectful. Rena and Shane were HIS family. He was responsible for them.

When Brian asked him why he didn’t tell them Adam looked him straight in the eye and said…

“I didn’t want to take the chance you’d object. She’s mine Brian. Sorry, if that makes you angry, but it is what it is. I’ll fight you and Rena and anyone else who gets in my way. I know I don’t deserve her. I’m a lot older than she is, and more scarred than she could ever be. I’m ruthless, heartless and have a bad track record, but I don’t give a fuck. She is my light, my love, and the mother of my child. So fuck off.”

Brian couldn’t believe the balls on him, but then Justin came up behind him and said, “You know how he feels.”

Brian couldn’t argue with that. He simply reminded Adam that Shane may be his wife now, but she would ALWAYS be a member of his family, and that if he hurt her, he’d simply kill him. Adam took him at his word.

“I’m worried about Shane Re.” Brian said.

“Oh stop it. You’ve always been over protective. You can’t control what happens Bean. She may get hurt, but that’s life. You can’t protect her from that.” Rena said.

Her brother always felt he was responsible for the happiness of those he loved. She wished he felt that same responsibility for his own happiness.

Brian was about to answer her when Justin yawned and stretched his arms.

“Hey sleepy head, you up?” Brian asked.

Justin rubbed his eyes and smiled up at Brian.

“How long have I been out?” He asked.

“Just about ½ hour. I told you to lay off the eggnog.” He joked.

“Yeah, well I’m sure Margot spiked it.” Justin replied sitting up.

“That must have been right after John spiked it.” Rena laughed.

Justin looked around the room. “Where’s Gus?” He asked.

“I took him up to the spare bedroom. He must have hit the eggnog too.” Brian said.

It was such an exciting day for the little guy he passed out right after dinner.

Gus made out like a bandit today. Rena went overboard, Brian had to insist that some of the toys be donated to charity. He was not going to have Gus spoiled so. It was bad enough he and Justin showered him with too many gifts, his son didn’t need and eccentric aunt buying him a mini motorized sports car, amongst a thousand other gifts. The boy was barely 4! Lindsey and Mel agreed the gifts were excessive and promised to donate some of them to charity.

“Is he coming home with us tonight?” Justin asked.

“No, he’s spending the night here, so are Lindsey and Mel. It’s snowing pretty heavy out, I don’t want them driving in this.” Brian said then added.

“Maybe we should spend the night as well.”

Justin got a panicked look on his face. “Is it that bad? I really want to go home Bri.” He said.

He had yet to give Brian his Christmas gift. He wanted to give it to him in private, not knowing how he was going to react. It was back at the loft. He had arranged for Daphne to drop it off while they were at Rena’s.

Brian looked at Justin concerned. “It’s pretty bad, but if you really want to, we’ll go. I just put new winter tires on the Vet. We should be ok.” Brian said, not wanting to disappoint Justin.

The day was perfect; he didn’t want anything to mar it for his blonde. If Justin wanted to be home alone with him tonight, he’d make it happen.

“We’ll leave soon. First I need to give Rena her gift.” Brian said.

“I was wondering about that!” Rena piped up smiling.

“You didn’t give it to her yet?” Justin asked.

“No.” He said, his eyes intent.

Justin knew what the gift was; he wasn’t surprised Brian had put off giving it to her. It was the same reason Justin had put off giving his gift to Brian.

Brian stood up taking Rena by the hand and led her out of the living room and up the stairs.

Justin watched their retreating forms. He sighed and turned to see the shoebox Rena had given Brian, filled with his old letters, laying on the coffee table.

He smiled to himself. The two of them were more alike then they knew…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What are you doing Bean? Where are you taking me?” Rena asked when they reached the top of the stairs.

“Shh.. You’ll wake up Gus.” Brian said as they passed the guest bedroom.

“I put your gift in your bedroom.” Brian said.

He had snuck the gift up there while Rena was in the kitchen earlier. He wanted to give it to her in private when the moment was right.

Right or not, this was the moment.

When they reached her room, Brian pulled her in and shut the door behind them. He led Rena over to the bed and sat her down.

“Stay.” He commanded

Rena made a face. “What am I? A fucking dog? Should I bark and roll over too?” She asked sarcastically.

Brian laughed. “Is that the kinky stuff you straight people do?” He teased.

Rena stuck her tongue out at him.

Brian bent down and reached under her bed. He pulled out a long rectangular box. He stood back up and handed it to her.

“Merry Christmas worm.” He said.

 

Rena took the box and placed it in her lap.

There was a thick red ribbon wrapped around it. She carefully untied it and removed the top of the box.

She gasped as her breath caught in her throat.

She quickly replaced the top. Her heart was beating frantically.

Brian kneeled down in front of her and placed his hands on her knees.

“Re, it’s ok. Really.” He said.

Rena pulled in a deep breath and tried to calm her racing heart.

She opened the box again and pulled out her present.

It was Patsy…. Her doll.

She was exactly as she remembered her.

Long curly red hair with a porcelain face and cloth body. She had on a white frilly dress with green ribbons woven into the neckline and around the short, puffy sleeves.

Her mother had given the doll to her when she was ten. It was her most cherished possession. She slept with it and carried it with her everywhere. She remembered constructing a makeshift backpack for her so she could carry her around the neighborhood.

Patsy was her constant companion…

Emilian saw her playing with Patsy one day after their mother died and took her away from her. He said she was too old to be playing with dolls, and now that her mother was dead, and her brother was dying, it was time she grew up and took some responsibilities of running the house over. He threw the doll in the garbage. That night, Brian went and dug it out of the garbage for her. She was cracked, but Rena didn’t care. She hid Patsy under her bed. Patsy was the only link she had left to her mother.

When Brian came back to get her after Andy died, she had left her behind in her haste to be gone from that evil place. Especially after what her father did to her...

She thought her precious doll was gone forever. Like her mother, and her brother.

“How?” She asked her brother.

Brian smiled. “I went back and got it after Viv came and got you.” He said.

Rena gasped in horror. “No…….” She cried.

“Re, he was gone by then. He left. Though I was sorry he did, I went back to kill the bastard. But when I got there, he was already gone. I broke in the house and found it under the bed, where you hid it. It was broken, and dirty. I had it restored.” Brian explained.

Rena looked at her brother, tears falling from her eyes, and wondered, not for the first time, what she ever did to deserve him. He truly was hers and Andy’s savior. The fact that he kept this doll for her all these years was testament to how far he’d go for those he loved. She thanked God every night for sending him them.

“Oh Brian!” She cried out and threw herself into his arms. Brian held her until her tears subsided. She sat back and looked at the doll lovingly.

“You had her all this time.” She said in awe.

Brian smiled. “Yeah. I knew as long as I held on to it, you’d come back to me.” He said.

Rena laughed through her tears. “With or without Patsy, there was never any doubt I’d come back.” She affirmed.

Rena got up and walked around to the side of her bed. She gently placed Patsy in the middle.

“Welcome home.” She said to the doll.

Brian came up behind he and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“You ok?” He asked.

Rena leaned back against him. “Yeah. Better than alright.” She said.

“This is the best fucking Christmas ever.” She said.

“Hmmm.. I have to agree.” He said, and then frowned.

Rena turned in his arms, sensing the change in his mood.

“What?” She asked.

“Nothing really, just that Justin hasn’t given me my gift yet.” He said wondering why that was. Justin gave no indication that he even had a gift for him.

“Do you know what he got me?” He asked Rena.

“No, and believe me, I’ve grilled him!” She said.

They both laughed.

“Well I’m sure I’ll find out sooner or later.” Brian mused.

They left her bedroom and rejoined the others downstairs.

John saw Rena leave with Brian earlier. Justin told him Brian wanted to give Rena her gift in private. John was concerned, even more so when he saw Rena come down the stairs, her face tear streaked.

He went over to her.

“Well? What did he give you?” He asked.

“A bit of my innocence he held on to.” She answered quietly.

John looked at her confused, but didn’t press her for more.

Justin went over to Rena and hugged her.

“Happy?” He asked.

“Very.” She answered hugging him back.

“Ok Sunshine, time to go.” Brian announced.

They got their coats and said their goodnights. Brian told his sister he’d be back tomorrow to pick up their gifts.

Jennifer and Molly walked out with Brian and Justin deciding they were going to brave the weather as well. Jen had a four-wheel drive.

Justin helped his mother load her car with their presents before walking her around to the driver side.

Molly made out pretty well herself. Rena went a little nuts with Molly as well. She claimed she never had children to buy for before. Actually, Rena went crazy buying everyone gifts. Justin suspected she was a bit of a shop-aholic.

“We’re still on for Nana’s this New Years, right?” Justin asked his mother as he opened her car door for her.

“Of course. Though I’m fighting your father about taking Molly. He wants to have her for New Years. I’m not giving in though. Molly wants to be at Nana’s.” Jennifer said.

Justin smiled. “Who doesn’t? The woman throws the most outrageous parties.” He said.

Jennifer smiled. “Justin, did he…”

“No.” Justin said cutting his mother off. He knew it hurt his mother that his father refused to talk to him. It hurt him, but he refused to think of that today. It was Christmas, and the day had been amazing. He was not going to spoil it with thoughts of his father.

“Ok honey. Well, I’ll call you this week.” She said.

Justin leaned in and kissed his mother goodbye.

“Be careful driving home. And call me when you get there.” He said.

“Yes dear.” His mother said giving her son a patronizing smile.

Justin watched them drive away before getting into the Vet.

Brian had the motor running, and Justin was glad it was already warming up inside.

“Hey.” Brian said.

“Hey.”

“What’s the sad face for?” He asked pulling out of the driveway.

Justin sighed. “Nothing. I refuse to be sad.” He said a little too chipper and turned to smile at Brian.

“Let’s go home.” He said.

Brian planned to do exactly that.

 

Justin looked out the car window and bit his bottom lip. He worried how Brian was going to react to his gift to him.

It was an emotional day for Brian, what with Rena’s gift to him, and his gift to Rena. Brian told him she took it as he expected, and that he was turning into an old sentimental fool. Justin assured him he wasn’t. He was just doing what he always done. Look out for his family.

If anyone was the sentimental fool in the family, it was Justin. And Brian was about to find out just how sentimental Justin could be….

***************************************************************************

“I could have sworn I left the living room light on.” Brian said as he slid the door to the loft open.

Justin followed him inside and went to turn on the lights.

Brian headed for the kitchen. He went straight to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. He turned to take a drink and froze.

There, in his living room, was a huge painting propped up against the wall. It was draped with a cloth.

His gaze shot to Justin, a smile spread across his face.

“Justin… what’s that?” He asked excitedly walking towards the painting.

Justin rushed him and stood in front of it.

“Wait, don’t uncover it yet.” Justin said.

The frame was huge Brian noticed. It must have been at least six feet tall and four feet wide.

It was bigger than his Attila Richard Luckas painting, or more aptly named by Justin, naked man.

“Come on, let me see!” Brian said reaching around Justin to pull the cloth off.

“NO!” Justin’s voice sounded alarmed.

Brian instinctively stepped back. A worried frown etched his brow.

“This IS my present, isn’t it?” Brian asked.

“Yes, this is it. I just…well it’s…I just don’t want you to…” Justin wasn’t making any sense.

Brian sighed in frustration.

“Justin step aside. You know I’m going to love it, why are you so nervous?” He asked seriously.

Justin smiled nervously. “I just hope you like it.” He said then stepped to the side and grabbed a hold of the cloth.

“Merry Christmas Brian.” He said then pulled the cloth off the painting.

Brian stared as the painting came to view before him.

There in front of him, was an incredible ‘life size’ likeness of Andy looking back at him.

Now he understood the size of the portrait. Justin wanted it big to give it a visual impression of reality.

He succeeded.

Andy was sitting on top of the Monkey bars, a cigarette dangling from his hand.

Brian recognized the pose from the photo he had of Andy in his bedside drawer. He was surrounded by a mist of sorts, which Brian also recognized from his dream encounter with his brother.

It was breathtaking, and beautiful and surreal.

Brian reached out then pulled his hand back. The image was so vivid, so brilliantly crafted it gave the impression that his brother was sitting there, right in front of him.

And his eyes.. Oh God his eyes were so fucking Andy. They were bright, and intelligent and full of mischief. Only Justin could have seen, and captured that from that old worn out photo.

There were words written beneath Andy that for some reason, Brian had a hard time deciphering.

Then he realized it was because his own eyes were fogged over with tears. He blinked them away and read the inscription..

“So Strong…So Loved… Forever…”  
“I carry your heart…I carry it in my heart.”

Justin held his breath watching the myriad of emotions flit across Brian’s face.

It was all there. Memories, mostly good ones (Thank God!) Of Andy shone in Brian’s eyes. A small smile played on his lips; tears coated his eyes.

Brian turned to look at Justin.

“Thank you.” He whispered then pulled him in and crushed him to him.

Justin choked out a sob and wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck.

“You like it then?” He asked.

Brian pulled back and looked into Justin’s eyes.

“It’s fucking amazing. It’s like having him here, with us.” Brian said.

“It is big, isn’t it?” Justin remarked a little nervously.

“No, it’s perfect.” Brian said.

“So this is what you’ve been doing all those nights at PIFA?” He asked.

Justin nodded.

“I needed a big space to able to work on it.” He said.

Brian looked over at the portrait again.

“You’re a fucking genius Justin. You’re going to be bigger than Warhol.” He said in all honesty and awe.

Putting aside the fact that it was the perfect gift, it was a brilliant piece of art. Brian didn’t have to be an art expert to know true talent when he saw it, and Justin was loaded with it.

Justin followed his gaze. “You know, I felt so inspired painting him. I think he approved.” Justin said musing out loud.

“If you only knew him Justin….”Brian said wistfully, not finishing his thought.

Justin looked up at him.

“You ok?” He asked.

“Better than ok.” Brian said, and for the first time, in a very long time, he meant it.

He took Justin by the hand and led him into the bedroom.

He lowered him onto the bed and started undressing him.

“So strong.” He told him as he removed his pants.

“So loved.” He mumbled into his neck, then removed his own pants and readied them both.

 

“Forever.” He breathed into his mouth right before he entered him.


	65. The Good The Bad and The Ugly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Violence and offensive language

“You’re ability to rationalize your own bad deeds makes you believe that the whole world is as amoral as you are.”  
~Douglas Coupland

 

“Jesus Christ it’s fucking cold out there!” Chris said as he entered the 7-ll.

“Did they predict this shit?” Hal asked shaking the heavy flakes of snow from his jacket.

“Fucking weather men never get shit right. 2-3 inches my ass! Got to be at least a foot out there, and it don’t look like it’s stopping anytime soon. I hope Mac got home alright.” He mused.

“Oh for fuck sakes, do you ever think of anything else. Mac this and Mac that. You sound like a fucking fag.” Hal said viciously.

Hal met Chris on the Internet a few months ago. They were both part of the Aryan Nation’s online community. Hal and Chris immediately connected. Hal respected Chris. He wasn’t like most of the ‘wanna bee’s’ on that site. Chris was a true activist, fighting the good fight, one at a time.

Hal had the newspaper clippings of Chris’s trial pinned to the wall of his bedroom as a reminder that there were true white American’s out there willing to do what ever it took to rid our nation from the parasites infecting it. Fucking judge should have given him a medal for trying to take that fag out, not community service. Fucking fags, Jews and niggars were ruining this country. Chris knew this and he tried to do something about it.

“Shut the fuck up! I told you, Mac is like us. He hates fags as much as we do.” Chris said heading for the beer cooler in the back.

The dark skinned man behind the counter narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the two boys. They were loud, probably a little drunk, and sprouting shit that made him very nervous. His hand instinctively went to the panic button under the register. He smelled trouble.

“Yeah well, when am I going to meet this Mac character anyway?” Hal asked peevishly.

Chris pulled out two six packs of Heineken and turned to face Hal.

“As soon as he gets back from Portland. He went home for the holidays. You see, HE values the family, and understands the importance of family values. I told you, he’s like us.” Chris said and shoved a six pack into Hal’s arms.

“Great. It’s time we opened a chapter of the Nation here, in Pittsburgh. We got a respectable start. 16 last count.” Hal reminded Chris.

Chris had been trying to organize the group for sometime now. He’d been alienated from most of his friends since he attacked Justin. That alienation turned out to be a good thing. It led him to the Nation.

He found a home there. They were like him. Sane and righteous. They saw the dangers of those who drifted from family values and turned their back on Jesus. The worse offenders were fags and the Jews. Niggars didn’t really matter anyway. Once the whites took over again, they would put them back in their place.

When he had met Mac, he’d just started forming the idea of starting up a chapter. He’d been cruising the Internet looking for a ‘friend’. And he found one. Several actually, on the Aryan Nation website. Then Mac came along. It was fate.

Mac hated fags, with a passion. Chris befriended him, but was cautious. He’d been testing him for some time now, and Mac had past. It was time for him to be brought into the Nation. Chris and Hal had been recruiting, but their members were all very young. There was no one over the age of 25. Mac was in his mid forties. They needed a mature member to add to their family. Plus, Mac was ex Marine. He would be useful, when the time came.

“Hopefully 17. I’m going to ask Mac when he gets back to join us.” Chris said.

The bells over the store door jingled signaling someone else just entered.

Chris looked up curiously. It was late Christmas Eve, and very few people were out in this storm. The only reason why he was out was because he was bored and Hal had a four-wheel drive Hummer. Fucking machine could roll in any weather.

His eyes narrowed at the garishly dressed ‘thing’ that entered the convenient store. “It’ had on a shaggy fur coat, purple pants and a ridiculous wool cap. His walk, and the way his hands were flailing all over the place as he was trying to dust away the snow screamed queer.

“Fucking fag.” Chris mumbled under his breath.

Hal looked over to see what Chris was talking about. He sneered.

“Think he took the fairy snow plow here?” Hal laughed.

Chris shot him a warning look. “Shut the fuck up.” He hissed.

He wanted to see if the abomination was alone. He grabbed Hal by the arm and dragged him back out of sight…

 

~~~~~~~

Emmett cursed under his breath. Fucking mapquest. He must have put in the wrong information cause he was lost, big time. He didn’t even know if he was in the right town.

After driving around in circles for an hour, he decided to pull over and ask for directions. The good news was there seemed to be a gas station every other mile in this town. Whatever town that was.

He walked up to the man behind the register, who was hot he noted, and smiled prettily.

“Excuse me tall dark and handsome, but can you tell me if I’m in Claysville?” He drawled sexily.

The man gave him an offended look.

Shit! Emmett silently berated himself. This was not Liberty Avenue. He’d been so assimilated to that part of town he forgot what it’s really like out in world. Especially in rural USA. He should know better. Hazlehurst taught him that being different, openly different, could cost you, big time. He quickly changed his demeanor.

He stood back and lowered his eyes.

“I’m looking for…” Emmett stammered and fumbled in his pockets to find the directions. He pulled out several pieces of paper, some money, and a string of condoms and laid them on the counter.

“Ah, here it is. Wilton Street.” Emmett said looking back up at man.

The cashier curled his lip in disgust. Emmett quickly gathered his things and stuffed them back in his pocket.

He didn’t notice the paper that fell to the floor in his haste.

“You go 10 miles north. Make right after big red barn. There Wilton. You need gas?” He asked, his accented voice dismissive, and disapproving.

Emmett quickly pulled a ten-dollar bill back out of his pocket.

“Um, sure. Ten dollars worth please.” He said.

The cashier picked Emmett’s money up as if it were contaminated.

“Pump four.” He said.

Emmett turned and quickly left the store. Once outside he breathed a little easier.

James had better appreciate what he had to go through tonight just to see him, he thought as he pulled the gas hose from the tank and started filling his car.

~~~~~~

Inside, Chris and Hal came out from the back and looked out the glass door at the pathetic creature pumping gas.

“Fucking world is going to hell.” Hal said.

Chris bent over and picked up the piece of paper the dirty little fag dropped.

There was something very familiar about him. He knew he seen him before, but where?

He opened the piece of paper and read the note.

“My dearest Em,  
I am very sorry that I have not been around, nor contacted you, but it is necessary that my cover not be jeopardized. I ask that you destroy this letter, either burn it or shred it as soon as you finished reading it.  
Having said that, first, let me say, Merry Christmas.

Second, stop fucking around.

“Our separation does not give you license to go out tricking every night. Yes, I’ve been keeping my eye on you. I’m very disappointed. And you will see how disappointed when you meet me at 234 Wilton Street, Claysville. The key I sent along with this letter is to a cabin I’ve rented there. Meet me there tonight, at midnight, where we will celebrate our own Christmas. You are not to tell anyone, except of course Brian and Justin, since I’m sure you are reading this to them now. Tell them I said congratulations, and I hope to be back soon. Take your own car, and be careful that you are not followed, though I am sure you won’t be. Until tonight, know that I have missed you, and look forward to our reunion.

Yours, James.”

 

Talk about disgusting. A fucking love letter.

Chris looked back out the glass door. The fag was still pumping the gas.

Brian and Justin…. Justin..

“That’s it!” Chris said out loud.

“What?” Hal asked.

“I know that fag!” Chris said.

Hal laughed. “First Mac, now some queen? You sure you’re not a closet fag Chris?” Hal teased.

Christ turned a murderous glare on him

“You fucking idiot! He’s a friend of that fag I bashed! Justin Taylor! He was at the trial!” Chris told Hal.

Hal whistled lowed and looked out at the guy. “Man, some fucking coincidence, huh?” He said.

Chris laughed. “No it’s fate. Come on.” He said and walked out the door.

He turned around when he reached it and looked at the cashier. They were still holding the two six packs of Heineken in their hands, they hadn’t paid for them.

“Squeal and die gas man. Hear me?” Chris said.

Hal’s blood ran cold. This was it. Chris meant business. He straightened his shoulders. He was ready. His heart was racing. Justice time.

The cashier turned his head and picked up a gossip rag. He opened it up and started reading it. His back to the two boys.

Chris smiled and left the store.

The snow hit him in the face, cold and wet. He walked up to his bait and put his hand on the hood of the car.

Hal flanked the fags’ other side, imprisoning him.

Emmett was caught off guard and squealed.

He turned his head and came face to face with Justin’s basher. Chris Hobbs. He would never forget that face. He could smell the man’s hate. It permeated every pore in his body and radiated from his eyes.

He should be scared, he should be screaming his fairy little ass off, but the only thought he had was how unfair life was.

“Em, got a date tonight?” Chris asked. An evil glint in his eye.

Emmett’s eyes were glued to Chris’s. He heard the man behind him chuckle.

“I’m just passing through.” He said, knowing that it was pointless.

These boys were not about to let him go easily, if they were to let him go at all. His eyes frantically flew to the store to alert the cashier. His heart dropped. The man was purposely ignoring what was going on outside.

The truly sad part was, that Emmett had been here before. Back in Hazlehurst. Sad, because he KNEW what was about to come next. If he didn’t know, then at least he’d have the illusion of perhaps getting out of this in one piece for at least another few minutes. But he wasn’t afforded that luxury…He sighed…”I’m so sorry James…” He thought.

“Really? I thought maybe you had a double date with your fudge packing friend Taylor.” Chris said.

Emmett’s eyes widened. Chris recognized him as Justin’s friend.

“Surprised? Yeah, I remember you. You were at my trial. How is good old Jus doing these days anyway?” Chris moved closer to Emmett.

“I have no idea of what you are talking about. I am expected at my cousins, they’ll come looking for me if I’m late.” Emmett tried.

Chris laughed. “Bullshit. You dropped your little love note. Only one who’ll be waiting for you is another pathetic fag like you. I don’t mind we could meet him together. What do you say? Emmm….” Chris drawled out his name almost seductively.

Emmett’s stomached turned. Oh my God, what have I done? He knows where James is!

“No! Please…” Emmett choked out.

Hal laughed behind him. The gas from the pump was now overflowing and drenching him.

Chris took the hose from him and replaced it.

“You went over your limit Em. Tsk. Tsk..” Chris said.

“He’ll have to pay then.” Hal said from behind him.

Emmett’s blood ran cold.

Chris reached out with astounding speed and grabbed Emmett by the throat. He flung him around and pinned him against the car. Hal grabbed his arms and twisted them behind his back.

Chris reached into Emmett’s pocket and started digging.

What the fuck? Emmett’s mind was racing. What was Chris looking for?

He started struggling. Hal punched him his back. The blow landed in-between Emmett’s shoulder blades, making the air escape him. He couldn’t breath.

“Move again and you’re dead pussy boy!” Hal growled and twisted Emmett’s arms more painfully.

Emmett tried not to pass out. God please, don’t let me pass out he prayed. He knew how much worse it could be if that happened. A passed out victim was so much easier to kill then one begging a pleading. At least, when conscious, the victim appeared to be human, but motionless, the victim was just a target.

“Ah, here it is.” Chris said and pulled out Emmett’s cell phone.

He flipped it open and scrolled down the contact list. He frowned when he didn’t see Justin’s name.

“Hmmmm… Seem’s we have a problem Hal.” Chris said.

“No problem as I see it. I say we get the rope out of the Hummer and see how loud this piggy can squeal.” Hal said in a sickenly sweet voice

“Well, yes, there is that. But I’m looking for bigger prey. Remember, I still have a score to settle. This is my buddy Justin’s friend. We do want to invite Justin to the party, don’t we?” He asked Hal.

Hal smiled. He knew Justin was the fag Chris bashed.

“Of course. Wont’ be a party with out him.” Hal agreed.

Chris pulled Emmett’s head back by his hair, painfully.

“Why don’t you have our friends number in your contact list?” He spat into Emmett’s pained face.

Emmett’s eyes were glazy and he was having a hard time breathing.

“What?” He croaked out in a confused voice. Justin’s number was in there, though he’d die before telling this filth.

Chris saw the confusion in the queers’ eyes and frowned. He slammed Emmett’s head back on to the hood of the car.

Emmett felt his bone crack in his cheek….. Pain shot through his head, white blinding light flashed across his eyes.

Don’t pass out.. Don’t pass out.. Don’t pass out…He chanted over and over again.

Chris flipped the phone open and again scrolled down the contact list.

Ted  
Mikey  
Sunshine  
Deb  
Carl  
Bri…

Sunshine.

Bingo. Chris smiled.

He pulled Emmett’s head back again by his hair. His cheek was cut, and blood was oozing out.

“It’s Sunshine, isn’t it?” Hobbs asked.

Emmett was on the verge of passing out, but his eyes gave him away. They grew panicked at the name Sunshine. Chris knew he was right.

He slammed Emmett’s head back down again on the hood of the car.

Emmett passed out.

Chris flipped the phone and dialed “Sunshine”

He looked over at Hal.

“He’s out.” He said.

Hal let him go and Emmett’s body sank to the snow covered ground.

Blood sprawled out along the virgin white snow giving it a gruesome look.

“What now?” Hal asked.

“Now, the party begins.” Chris said as the phone rang for the third time.

***********************************************************

Justin reached for his cell just as Brian was walking out the door.

“And don’t forget the whipped cream!” He shouted.

“Don’t forget I’m going to spank your ass when I get back.” Brian said and slammed the door shut.

They went through a whole gallon of ice cream, but Justin was insatiable tonight. He wanted another gallon, and whipped cream.

He cringed at all the calories they were consuming, but hey, what better way to eat ice cream then off of his blondes’ red-hot sexy ass?

Justin wanted to go with him but Brian insisted he stay home. He wanted him hot and ready when he walked back in the door.

He needed a cigarette anyway, and he’d been trying to stop smoking in the loft. What with Gus coming over more often, and a new baby on the way, he had to get use to smoking outside.

He stepped out of the building and shivered. Fuck, it was freezing, and there must have been at least 2 feet of snow accumulated. He started walking down the street. There was an all night convenient store two blocks away, he decided to walk. It would be much quicker then taking the time to dig his car out of the snow.

He pulled his cell phone out and dialed Emmett’s number. This storm was really bad. Fucking queen should have canceled his date. No fuck was worth risking your neck for.

Ok, not true…his mind rebelled; he just hoped he got there all right.

It went straight to voice mail. Brian frowned. Well, maybe he turned it off because he was too busy being rammed, or rimmed by James.

He left a message.

“Honeycutt. Give me a call when James gives your ass a rest. Justin wants to know you made it through this storm.” He said then hung up.

He had an uneasy feeling. Emmett never shut his cell off. The man was notorious for ‘not missing a thing’. James had complained that Emmett would answer his cell mid orgasm in fear he might miss some gossip.

A cold chill ran down his spine, that he worried had nothing to do with the weather..

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

“So, is it a Merry Christmas?!” Justin answered the phone cheerily hearing Emmett’s ringtone, which was the song “It’s Raining Men,” by the Weather Girls. He was worried he’d get lost, or stranded in this storm.

“Why yes, it is a very Merry Christmas. I got my present, want to know what,.. or more accurately who I got?” Chris’s voice came over the line.

Justin felt like he was just punched in the stomach. He sank to his knees.

“God this is not happening. Please..”

“Hobbs.” He said in a dead calm voice.

“I’m flattered, you remember!” Hobbs said.

“Where’s Emmett?” Justin asked, afraid of the answer.

“You’re little fairy friend is currently, lets say, unavailable. He had a little run in with the hood of his car. See that’s the problem with you fags. Got soft heads.” Chris taunted.

Bile rose up in Justin’s throat.

“Is he alive?” Justin asked, all emotion void from his voice.

Show no fear…

“I believe he is. You’ll have to come and find out for yourself.” Chris laid down the gauntlet.

Justin didn’t’ even hesitate.

“Where”? He asked.

“Meet me at the old warehouse on Filmore.” Chris said.

“I’ll come, but first I need proof Emmett is alive.” Justin said.

Hobbs sighed. He went over to freaks body that was lying face down in a pool of his own blood and kicked him.

Emmett groaned.

“Get up fag. Justin wants to talk to you.” He said and put the phone down by Emmett’s ear.

“Em?” Justin asked, choking back his tears.

“Jus..?” Emmett managed to croak out.

Chris pulled the phone back.

“Convinced?” He asked.

“Yes. Me for him Hobbs. Deal?” Justin said.

Hobbs laughed. “Do I look stupid “Sunshine?” He taunted.

“First, you come alone. When I’m satisfied that you are alone, I’ll have MY friend, bring your friend. If you call the cops, or show up with anyone, I’ll know, and then I’ll have my friend, kill your friend. Show up alone, and maybe your friend gets to live. Now, how about that deal?” Chris laid out the rules.

“Agreed.” Justin said. FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Brian was going to kill him. If Hobbs didn’t kill him first.

“Good. Be there, in an hour.” Chris said then hung up the phone.

He threw the cell on the ground and reached down and hauled the filthy fairy up by his collar.

“Come on princess. I need you alive. For awhile anyway.” He threw him into the back of the Hummer.

“What about his car?” Hal asked.

Chris looked around. “Park it around back.” He said. “No one’s going to miss it or the fag for awhile.”

Hal did as he was told then got in the driver seat of the Hummer.

He started it up and pulled out of the gas station.

Emmett was awake in the back, but feigned unconsciousness. He needed to gather his strength.

“Where to boss?” Hal said.

“The old warehouse, on Filmore.” Hobbs said.

Chris smiled. Boss. He liked that. It was time after all that he took more of a leadership role. Mac would be proud he thought. He wished he were here…

On impulse, he pulled out his cell and dialed Mac’s number.

He might not be around to enjoy the fun, but at least he could give him this small Christmas present. The knowledge that not only did he bag himself a queer tonight, but that he was finally going to get his revenge on that fag that got away.

Mac will be so proud…

*******************************************************

The Cashier watched as the hummer pulled out from the corner of his eyes.

When he was certain they were gone, he went outside. He walked over to the pool of blood and shook his head. Fucking assholes were going to get him involved in shit he didn’t need to be involved in. He walked back into the shop and got a bag of sand. He came back out and covered the bloodstain with the sand.

When he was satisfied it was all covered, he started to head back in when he heard music.

It was some disco tune. The cashier looked around and saw the cell lying on the ground several yards away. He went over to it and answered it, not thinking.

“’Ello?”

“Emmett?” The man on the other end asked.

“No Emmett. Emmett gone.” The cashier said, a moment of conscience hit him

“Who the fuck are you, where’s Emmett? Did he get my message?!” the man on the other end asked frantically.

The cashier cursed in his own language. “Your friend gone. Bad men took him away. No nothing. No want trouble.” The cashier said in his heavily accented voice, and then hung up.

Brian’s heart slammed in his throat. He had tried Emmett’s cell again, knowing something was wrong. He hated being right. FUCK!

He rushed back to the loft to see if Emmett had called Justin.

He slammed the loft door open calling Justin’s name.

Nothing.

“JUSTIN!” He yelled again.

Silence.

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!” Brian’s mind screamed.

He willed himself to calm down. Getting hysterical was NOT going to find Justin, or Emmett.

He pulled his cell out and called the number James gave him for emergencies only.

“Brian.” James answered the cell on the first ring, knowing exactly who was calling.

“Emmett’s in trouble.” Brian said.

“I know. Hobbs got him. I’m on my way.” James said curtly.

Under any other circumstances, James would be on automatic. No emotion, no remorse. But this was Emmett. It was personal, and his heart was slamming in his throat.

When Hobbs called him to brag about his deed, it took all of James effort to keep in character. He laughed, and congratulated Hobbs. He did put in a request though. He told Hobbs that he was coming back first thing in the morning, if he could keep the fags alive until then, so he could watch them die.

Hobbs was only too happy to accommodate him. He told ‘Mac’ where he was going to hold Emmett, and Justin.

James would handle this, alone. He didn’t need Brian there, it would only complicate matters.

“James, Justin is not here. Does Hobbs have him?” Brian, asked, already knowing the answer.

Fuck! James was afraid of this.

“Yes.” He answered.

Brian was out the door, keys in hand ready to roll.

“Where.” He asked.

Murderous rage coursed through his veins. His mind could not even contemplate Hobbs hurting Justin again. All he could think of was getting his hands on that scum and killing him. Slowly.

James didn’t answer Brian. He knew what the man was feeling. And emotions like that, caused mistakes. Mistakes that could get someone killed.

“Let me handle this Brian.” James said.

“FUCK YOU! TELL ME NOW!” Brian said.

James cursed. “Brian, if I tell you promise me you wont’ move until I get there. You’re closer than I am. I’m about ½ hour away, you’re only 15 mins away. I got Hobbs to promise me he’d keep them alive until tomorrow. He thinks I’m in Portland. If you fucking make one wrong move, it could mean one or both of their lives, understand?” James stressed in a commanding voice.

“I’m not a fucking idiot, just tell me where.” Brian said, his car already on route, to where, he didn’t know, but he was on his way.

“Promise me that you won’t make a move until I get there.” James insisted.

Brian couldn’t make the promise; he knew that if he saw Justin hurt, he’d kill Hobbs. But if he didn’t make the promise, James wouldn’t tell him.

He had no choice.

Brian never broke a promise, in his life.

“I promise.” He said.

There was a first for everything. He thought

James told him where they were being held.

Brian turned the Vet in that direction.

 

Fear gripped Brian, fear like he’d never experienced before. He could not believe this was happening. Not again, not to Justin.

DAMN IT NO! His mind screamed.

He silently prayed to a God he questioned even existed.

_'I never asked for a fucking thing my whole life. I figure life hurts, and we either deal, or we die. I didn’t’ need you. Not when I was getting the shit kicked out of me by my father, or when I was being raped by some trick, or even when Andy was dying. I never asked for help, or mercy. But I’m asking now…If you’re up there, hear me…God please have mercy..…help Justin.'_


	66. Rage Against the Dying Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note From Author....Trust me

“The people who have crippled you  
You want to see them burn  
The gates of life have closed on you  
And now there's just no return  
You're wishing that the hands of doom  
Could take your mind away  
And you don't care if you don't see again  
The light of day”  
~Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, by Black Sabbath

 

Justin walked into the old warehouse with a determined stride. His mind was calm, his breathing steady. Odd he thought. He should be frantic, scared, desperate… at the very least, apprehensive. But he was none of those things.

He was numb.

That alone should scare him.

He felt a sticky wetness oozing down from his forehead. He surmised it was a cut from one of the impacts. He hit his forehead several times on the steering wheel from his reckless driving. The roads were so bad that he had side swiped several cars, a pole, and a mailbox on the way over. His car was wrecked, but it made it here, that was all that mattered.

He wondered briefly if he had a concussion. That would surely explain his lack of fear. Or maybe, his inner voice said, it was just simply that he was tired of being afraid.

Truth was, he’d been looking over his shoulder for some time now. Brian knew it, he confronted Justin with that truth in the alley that night he told him what he and James had planned. His words now hung heavy in his mind….

“The Justin I know would never let a punk like that get away with hurting him. The Justin I know tells his father to go to Hell and walks out at 17 years old because his father won’t accept him for who he is. The Justin I know faces bullies in schoolyards and stands and fights. The Justin I know fights for other people when he feels they’re being treated unfairly. So why is it when it’s YOU who have been treated badly, you don’t fight back? The courts failed us, and you quietly accepted it. You didn’t go to the DA demanding new charges be brought. You didn’t march on city hall with Deb and Mikey. You simply let him get away with it. Why?”

 

Why indeed. The simple answer was, fear. Fear of Hobbs, and fear of his own hatred towards Hobbs. It was a lose-lose situation. On one hand, he was afraid of what Hobbs would do to him given the chance again, but on the other hand, and more frightening, was what HE would do to Hobbs, given the chance.

He spent the past two and a half years avoiding Hobbs for precisely that reason. Now however, that option was gone. Taken away by Hobbs himself.

Justin’s failure to confront Hobbs, and his fears has resulted in one of his dearest friends being injured, or perhaps worse.

No more Justin thought. Tonight, Justin would put to rest, one way or the other, his fears.

 

It took a few seconds for Justin’s’ eyes to adjust to the dimly lit interior. There appeared to be a light of some kind coming from the far end.

He quickly scanned the room, looking for signs of Hobbs, or another exit. The walls were planked wood, with gaping holes every three feet or so. A hoe, a spade, an old rusty chain and a sickle hung from a low beam. He looked up and saw the roof was half gone. It had stopped snowing, and the stars were shining bright.

 

He advanced cautiously toward source of the light, which turned out to be a lit lantern that was sitting on top of a wooden barrel.

He walked over to it and put his hand over it. Extreme heat scorched his palm. He breathed a sigh of relief at the burning feeling. Good. It was confirmation that he could still feel.

He looked around again. No Emmett, no Hobbs.

He picked up an overturned stool he spotted and sat on it near the lantern with his back against the wall. His last encounter with Hobbs taught him never to turn his back on him.

Sooner or later, he knew Chris would show up. It was their fate.

He didn’t have to wait long.

Justin watched as the door to the warehouse slowly opened. Chris walked in with a cocky confidence that made Justin’s stomach churn. Even from this distance he could see the smirk on his evil face.

Justin never let his eyes leave Hobbs. He watched as he approached him, the smile never leaving his face.

“Well surprise, surprise. You actually showed up. Didn’t think a punk coward like you would have the guts. But here you are.” Chris taunted.

Chris stepped forward, his eyes going to the dried blood on Justin’s forehead. He smiled.

“A little worse for ware I see, but here none the less. What happen? Another run in with a bat?” Chris jeered.

Justin didn’t go for the bait.

He tipped his stool back a bit and studied Chris.

Hobbs had no idea how much his actions had cost him, and Brian. Nor did he care. In fact, the look in Hobbs eyes told Justin that the only thing that Hobbs regretted was not killing Justin when he had the chance.

Somehow, that revelation was very liberating. It surprised him to know that deep inside, he’d been carrying around a small inkling of guilt over his role in his bashing.

Justin had been provoking Hobbs leading up to the attack. He taunted Chris on Liberty Avenue in front of his friends, flaunted his sexuality in his face, and even made him doubt his own sexuality in the gym supply room.

Funny how the victim blames themselves, he thought. And that was exactly what he had been doing all this time. But now, facing his attacker, he realized there was nothing he could have done to justify what Hobbs did to him.. What Hobbs wanted to do again to him…

“Where’s Emmett?” Justin asked coolly.

“You’re really in position to ask questions now are you fag?” Chris said.

Justin got up slowly from his stool and approached him.

The movement startled Chris and he subconsciously stepped back. Justin wasn’t a 17 year old kid anymore, he was a man, and upon closer inspection, bigger then he remembered.

Justin stopped in front of him, his eyes burned into Hobb’s. He leaned in closer and narrowed his eyes.

“It’s me you want Hobbs, not Emmett. We both know that. But now that you have me, I wonder, do you want to kill me…or fuck me?”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Brian sucked his breath in at Justin’s words.

One day he swore Justin would learn to think before he acts! That fucking impulsive nature of his was going to get him hurt, or worse…

Brian had gotten to the warehouse just a few minutes ago. He parked the car 3 blocks away and walked, staying in the shadows. He spotted the hummer about a block away from the warehouse and surmised it was Hobbs, or one of his cronies. The motor was running.

He made his way to the back of the decrepit building and crouched by one of the broken windows. His heart calmed when he saw Justin sitting at the far end alone. He was tempted to make his presence known but knew Justin was the target, and he wouldn’t be any help to him if he made his presence known. So he waited, and willed himself not to jump through the window and beat Hobbs with the tire iron he took from the Vet when he saw him enter the warehouse.

He watched Justin approach Hobbs, and then heard him taunt him.

He feared for him. Justin had years of pent up anger going on and he couldn’t afford to unleash it now, especially when they had yet to know where Emmett was.

“You fucking pathetic little prick! You’re lucky I don’t kill you right now!” Hobbs fumed, his fists clenched by his side.

Try it.” Justin challenged.

 

Mother fucker! Brian was going to kill Justin himself if they got out of this alive! Chris was obviously not working alone. There was someone in that Hummer, and Justin had to know this. He was letting his emotions rule his actions.

Chris took a step back from Justin.

“When the time comes, you won’t be so arrogant.” Chris said.

“Of course, you can take a shot at me now if you want. But then, your fairy friend won’t see the light of day if you do.”Chris said.

Brian watched as Justin reigned in his temper. Good. He needed to think smart, for Emmett’s sake. James should be here any minute.

The sound of snow crunching under boots, and gargled resistance brought Brian’s head around. He slipped around to the back so not to be seen. He heard the door to the warehouse open, then close again. He took up his position by the window once again.

It took all of Brian’s will not to jump through that window and kill Hobbs and his pal when he saw the condition Emmett was in.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin gasped as he saw his friend being carted like an animal into the warehouse.

“Throw him over there, by his lover.” Chris ordered.

Hal threw Emmett to the floor at Justin’s feet.

Justin rushed over to Emmett and knelt down beside him. He cradled Emmett’s head in his lap.

His face was badly battered, and bluish. His right eye was completely swollen shut. He was barely conscious.

Oh my God, what have I done…

 

“Ahhhh, isn’t that touching?” Hal cackled.

Justin shot the man a deadly look.

 

“You’re going to pay for this.” He said in a voice so threatening, the man stopped laughing.

“Be careful Hal, Justin here has a death wish.” Chris said. “And we don’t want to rush it. Mac will be here soon enough. These two are going to be my present to him.” Chris said, as if Justin and Emmett weren’t even in the room.

“I say we kill them now. Fuck Mac.” Hal said.

Justin’s face went white, then red.

He stood up and walked right over to Hal.

“Word of advice. Don’t fuck up. You’ll regret it.” He warned.

Hal spit in his face.

Justin lost it. He attacked Hal.

Chris pulled what looked like a hunting knife out of his jacket and went after Justin.

Brian sprang through the window, tire iron in hand and swung it at Chris hitting his arm. The knife went flying across the dirt floor.

The sound of bone cracking reverberated through the warehouse. Chris went down, grabbing his arm, screaming.

Brian then pulled Justin off of Hal and swung again, aiming low this time, smashing both of Hal’s knees.

“That’s for Emmett.” Brian said then spat on the screaming man who was lying in the dirt, holding his knees.

He turned to Justin and pulled him in and hugged him tight. He’d never been so frightened.

“Bri..” Justin croaked.

“Don’t.” Brian said. He was relieved, but furious with Justin. That was too fucking close. Flashes of Hobbs yielding that knife were painfully fresh in his brain. He was angry with Justin for putting himself in that position.

He released him and rushed over to Emmett and picked his head up.

He was slipping in and out of consciousness. He looked really bad.

“Fuck.” Brian said.

“Em, come on, stay with me. James will be here soon.” He said, trying to keep Emmett conscious. He had no idea how bad his injuries were.

Justin stood a by them, tears in his eyes.

Emmett opened his good eye and looked at Brian.

“Sorry..” he croaked out. Then he looked up at Justin apologetically.

“Sorry’s bullshit.” Brian said.

Emmett tried to laugh but then panic fell over his face. His one good eye was fixated on something behind Brian.

“NOOOO…” He yelled in a voice so strong, Brian wondered where he got the strength.

HE followed Emmett’s gaze.

His heart stopped.

Hal had a gun in his hand and was pointing it at Justin. Justin didn’t see him, he was looking at Emmett.

“JUSTIN!” Brian screamed then sprang to his feet and pushed Justin with all his might away.

A shot rang out.

Justin screamed as he watched Brian go down.

Hal lifted his gun again and pointed it at Justin.

“Ping. Ping.”

Two shots from the silencer whisked through the air and landed dead center in the middle of Hal’s forehead.

The gun fell from his hands as he went down. His lifeless body sprawled out on the dirt floor.

James made sure he was dead then walked over to where Chris laid, in shock, holding his arm. He pointed his silencer at him.

“No, please…” Chris begged.

James turned the gun around and slammed the butt into Chris head, rendering him unconscious.

He walked over to where Justin kneeled by Brian. He was covered in blood, trying to find where Brian was hit.

“Move!” He commanded, pushing Justin away roughly.

Justin went flying backwards from the force of James’s shove. He landed hard on his ass, but then quickly scrambled back to Brian’s side. He wisely held back from touching him as James inspected the damage.

“About time you fucking got here.” Brian rasped out. The burning in his side was unbearable.

James took his jacket off and removed his shirt. He then pressed it to Brian’s’ side.

“You promised me you wouldn’t make a move until I got here.” James said reproachfully.

“It’s my fault. I attacked Hal.” Justin said as he laid his hands over James, applying pressure to Brian’s wound.

James looked over at Justin, compassion in his eyes. Justin was in shock. He was acting on autopilot. The hysterics, he was sure, would come later.

“Justin, just keep applying pressure. Help is on its way.” He instructed in a calm voice as he pulled his hands away.

Justin held the shirt tightly against Brian’s wound. His lips were moving slightly, but no words were coming out. James suspected he was praying.

“The bullet went straight through his side. Clean. I don’t know if it hit any vital organs, but I don’t think so. Not from this angle. I have a swat team on its way as we speak. Just keep applying pressure.” James said.

“Check Em.” Brian said, sweat breaking out on his forehead.

James nodded, and went over to Emmett. There was nothing more he could do.

“Stop fucking praying. And snap the fuck out of it. I’m not going to die.” Brian said through gritted teeth.

Justin laughed, and then started crying. Hard.

“Don’t talk, please. Help is coming. Save your strength.” Justin said, through his tears. He was beyond frightened. He couldn’t think past keeping the pressure on Brian’s wound. The only thing that was keeping him from completely losing his fucking mind was the fact that Brian was angry, and voicing it.

It was a good sign.

What Justin didn’t know, was that Brain was trying to keep him calm by feigning anger. Truth was, he felt the blood draining from his body and he was getting weaker by the minute. His body was getting cold. A cold that he didn’t like. He didn’t want Justin freaking out, but he felt something was very wrong.

His head lulled back. Try as he might, he couldn’t keep it up.

“BRIAN!” Justin screamed.

Brian opened his eyes. “Sunshine…” He said.

His vision was getting cloudy. His mind was drifting; he could feel himself drifting off into unconsciousness.

He heard Justin’s voice in the distance, panicked, and fearful. He wanted to hold him, to comfort him, but he couldn’t. He was slipping fast…

No, not yet… his mind rebelled. He opened his eyes and stared into his loves tear filled ones….

He smiled, then closed them again… His mind drifted back to the morning of Justin’s birthday…

_“You’re it for me Justin. You always have been. And always will be. The last face I’d like to see before I close my eyes for the last time is yours.” Brian’s voice cracked a bit with his emotion.  
“Promise me that and I might let you celebrate another birthday._

_“I promise…” Justin said._

 

He kept his promise…. He thought happily.

Justin’s face was the last thing he saw before he slipped away….


	67. Where You Go, I Follow

"All I want, is all I need  
You've got to take me fly and fly away  
Hold me for all eternity  
My love I feel for you  
I wanna tell you why you make my sun shine  
Brighter than a silver screen

All I want  
He's all I want, he's all I need

All I want is love, but you  
You've got to know that life can mean that much to me  
If I have to live my life without you baby  
You'll have to tell me why  
Love is going to die."

~ He’s All I Want by Angle Moon

 

Justin pulled the heavy drapes back and squinted up at the blinding sun. He smiled and picked up his sketchpad.

It was Sunday they would be back. They came every Sunday.

He sat down on the cushioned armchair near the window and picked up his coffee.

Black and extra sweet. He was getting use to the taste.

“Knock, Knock.”

“Come in.” Justin said looking at the clock. 9:00 a.m. Right on time, as usual.

“Hey Jus, how’s it going?” Ronald said as he entered the room.

“Beautiful day isn’t it?” Justin said and turned his head back to look out the window.

“See, they’re here again.” He said.

Ronald went over to the window and peered out. He laughed.

“So they are.” He said looking at the group of children gathered in their Sunday bests.

“They come every Sunday, probably after Church.” Justin said as he watched the children duck in the alleyway. He had a good view from their window. They looked so innocent, so full of life and mischief. He wanted to capture their youthful exuberance on paper.

“Someone should report them.” Ronald said shaking his head.

“They’re just being kids Ronald. Sneaking away after church to have a cigarette, and bemoan their forced servitude to their parents rules.” Justin defended the children then started sketching them.

Ronald shook his head.

“You’re a romantic, you know that Sunshine?” Ronald said.

Justin gave him a sideward glance.

“And you love to start trouble. You know he hates it when you call me that.” Justin said.

Ronald looked over at the beautiful man lying in the bed.

“Yeah, well when he tells me to stop, I will.” He said then went over to his patient.

“Be careful what you ask for, he’s ruthless when it comes to what he considers his. And he considers me, his.” Justin said with a sly smile.

He put his pad down and walked over to help Ronald lift Brian up.

“He had a restless night.” Justin informed Ronald in a hushed tone.

It still amused, and worried Ronald that Justin continued to act as if his lover was able to hear them.

“He tell you that too?” Ronald asked giving Justin a dubious look.

Justin raised his eyebrow. “No, that I felt” He replied haughtily.

Ronald wisely remained silent after that and went through his morning exercise routine with his patient.

Justin made sure Brian got his workout three times a day.

And what Justin wanted, Ronald was finding out, Justin got.

He was glad he hadn’t pissed off the blonde yet. He saw first hand what happened to people who pissed him off.

 

Ronald was on duty when they brought Justin’s partner into the emergency room.

He had lost a lot of blood and was unconscious. The story went that he was shot, defending Justin. Ronald didn’t doubt it. If the Adonis lying in the bed felt half as much for his lover as Justin felt for him, he would no doubt jump in front of a speeding train for him.

Though he never found out the real story of what happened. All he knew is that one man was dead, the other awaiting trial. Justin, nor any of his family, ever talked about it.

Ronald remembered vividly the look of pure fear on Justin’s face that night. He had a death grip on the stretcher the swat team used to carry Brian in. They made an imposing imagine with their heavily armed camouflage gear and shouting orders. It was a scene right out of some ‘Die Hard’, action flick. Fitting actually, since Brian obviously had no intentions of dying easily.

The doctors on duty shot Justin up with Valium to calm his ass, but it didn’t work.

James, the leader of the squad, was at his wits end trying to comfort Justin, yet at the same time, trying to get medical attention for the man he was carrying in his arms.

That’s when Ronald intervened.

He took Justin by the arm and led him out of the way so that the doctors could work on Brian, and so James could get Emmett, (Ronald at this point was on first name basis with the two. They visited every day) the medical treatment he needed. James shot him a grateful look.

Ronald kept assuring Justin everything was going to be all right. Yeah, right. What the fuck did he know?

The bullet had nipped an artery and Brian was losing a lot of blood, fast. The hospital didn’t have enough of his blood type on hand. His friends and family members, who were all there with in minutes of their arrival, were all tested but none matched his blood type. Brian was literally bleeding out.

It was Justin who called Brian’s mother. No one else even thought of her in their panic. Justin however did, and he was more traumatized then any of them.

What a piece of work that lady was Ronald remembered. She was so drunk, someone had to go and get her. When she arrived at the hospital, the doctor’s told her that she was too inebriated to give blood. She shocked them all when she snorted…

“Oh Please! My son’s body wouldn’t accept anything less than 90 proof.”

At any other time, it would have been funny.

The doctors had no choice but to use her blood. It was dangerous, more for her than Brian, but she signed a consent form and gave him her blood. It was what saved him in the end.

If you could call this saved….

“Ronald is being sarcastic Bri. I think you’re rubbing off on him.” Justin said.

“And you’re little Sunshine here is being stubborn.” Ronald said.

He’d gotten use to talking to Brian as if he were awake. It was expected of him. Justin lived and breathed as if there wasn’t a thing wrong with Brian, or their relationship.

The man had been in a coma for ten weeks now, and to look at Justin, you’d think they were on some sort of vacation. Gazing around their room, he could almost understand why Justin would feel that way.

Ronald realized early on that they had very powerful friends. The whole right side of the top floor of the hospital was converted into a mini luxury apartment for the couple complete with a king size bed that looked more like a shrine, and round the clock care. Complements of the owner of Remington pharmaceuticals who just happened to be the fiancé’s of Brian’s sister.

They had the best of everything, including specialists from all over world flying in on a weekly basis to assess Brian’s condition.

Each one gave the same diagnosis. Brian’s coma was induced by lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. There was no way of knowing if the brain would eventually repair itself or not. He may come out of the coma at anytime, or never again. The good news was there was still brain activity. Though Brian had to be tube fed, and required oxygen to breath.

“Have you told Brian that you’ve lost more weight?” Ronald asked accusingly.

Justin shot him a warning look.

“I have not. Don’t listen to him Bri, he’s just jealous because he’s gained a few pounds since he’s been dating Helen. She’s trying to get to his heart through his stomach.” Justin retorted.

Ronald laughed.

“Ok, he’s got me there. But you DID lose more weight.” Ronald said, and then decided to take a risk.

“Um..did you talk to the doctor again?” Ronald asked cautiously.

Justin’s family had been trying to get him to see a doctor. He wasn’t eating, or dealing with the situation at hand. Justin hadn’t left Brian’s side in 10 weeks.

Not once.

But the most disturbing part was that Justin insisted that Brian spoke to him. He said he could ‘hear’ him. To be fair, he wasn’t totally crazy. He didn’t claim to actually hear the sound of Brian’s voice, but he claimed that they had other ways they communicated.

His mother had sent several psychiatrists in to speak with him, and each one got thrown out. One actually got banned from the hospital for the rest of their stay there.

Brian’s sister, Rena, was the only one who believed Justin communicated with Brian. She put a stop to anyone even suggesting Justin needed psychiatric help.

Next to Justin, she spent the most time there. Every day, she arrived at 9:00 a.m., and left at 9:00 p.m.

They both needed shrinks in his opinion.

“I thought you liked your job Ronald?” Justin threatened lightly as he helped Ronald with Brian’s leg lifts.

“Hey, Justin, I need my job, ok? I’m just concerned about you. You really need to eat more. Brian will not be happy when he gets up if he see’s you lost so much weight.” Ronald backpedaled.

“I understand and appreciate your concern. But we won’t be talking about doctors for me anymore, agreed?” Justin stated.

“What ever you say boss.” Ronald said finishing up with Brian’s leg exercises.

They started working on his upper body.

“Emmett’s looking good.” Ronald said changing the subject.

Justin smiled. “Yes he is. Brian is pleased. Though he needs to stop blaming himself for….”Justin let the sentence trail off.

“Yeah. He’s healing nicely.” He said.

Ronald nodded his head. It was always the same when the events of that night came up. Justin shut himself off.

“That fancy brain specialist is coming today from Switzerland. You must be excited about that.” Ronald said, once again changing the subject.

Justin sighed. “Actually, all these doctors are starting to piss Brian off. He’ll wake up when he’s ready.” Justin said.

Ronald frowned. He wished he and Helen communicated as well as Justin did with his comatose lover.

There was another knock at the door.

“Come in.” Justin said.

The nurse entered with Brian’s feeding tube.

“Good morning Mr. Taylor. And how is our patient doing today?” She asked looking at Brian.

Justin frowned. “He’s been a bit restless.” He answered.

The nurse nodded and smiled indulgently. Ronald groaned. If Justin caught that look she’d find herself out of a job.

“Well it’s probably because you won’t allow us to keep the feeding tube in. It would be so much easier on him that way.” She admonished.

Oh ouch! Bye bye Nurse Nolte, Ronald thought.

Justin threw her a sharp look.

“Ms. Nolte, you’ve been caring for Brian long enough to know he does NOT take carbs after 7 p.m. Now kindly keep your remarks to yourself, and do your job. I’ll be requesting a new nurse in the morning.” Justin said.

Ronald stood up and sighed.

Nurse Nolte had the good sense to keep her mouth shut and do her job.

Justin walked Ronald to the door while the Nurse put Brian’s tube in.

“Hey Jus, take it easy, ok? Maybe you should go for a walk when Rena comes. A little fresh air would do you good. You know Brian would approve, even insist.” Ronald suggested.

Justin sighed. “Maybe you’re right.” He said and turned back to look at Brian.

“Maybe that’s why he’s restless. He’s worried about me.” Justin mused out loud.

“Just think how you would feel if the situation was reversed.” Ronald said.

Justin’s head snapped back around.

He DID know how he felt when the situation was reversed. When he was in the hospital and couldn’t see or speak to Brian. Just like Brian couldn’t ‘physically’ see or speak to him now. It was torture. The whole time he was in the hospital, he was worried about Brian. How Brian was feeling. He worked so hard to get better just so he could be with him, to comfort him, to let him know it wasn’t his fault….

Just like Brian was doing now. Fighting to get back to him. He knew it in his heart, and his soul. Brian’s fight however, was much harder than his own was. Justin didn’t want Brian worrying about him. That would only hinder his recovery.

“You’re right Ronald. As soon as Rena gets here, I’m going shopping. Gus’s birthday is coming up.” Justin said.

“Good! Take Emmett with you. You know he’d love it.” Ronald suggested.

“That’s a good idea, I will. Thanks again, for everything Ronald.” Justin said.

He was grateful that Ronald was there that night and that he later got assigned to be Brian’s physical therapist. He’d been a big comfort to them both.

Ronald patted Justin’s shoulder and left the room.

Justin turned back to Brian and frowned.

‘Come on Bri… fight harder… I need you…’

**********************************************

 

“I don’t understand. His scan was fine yesterday.” Rena said.

God she wished Justin was here!

She had arrived this morning and was happy to hear Justin decided to go out for a bit. Now however, she wished he hadn’t.

The specialist from Switzerland came a little early, and after looking at this morning’s brain scan, which Justin and she insisted Brian have everyday, he concluded that Brian’s brain activity was diminishing, and rapidly.

“I’m sorry, but the results are clear. The brain activity has dropped 20% in the last twenty-four hours. At this rate, he’ll be completely brain dead in one week. From there, all we’ll be able to do is keep his body functioning. You need to talk to his partner about this. Decisions will have to be made.” The doctor said.

Rena stared at him in shock. Justin was Brian’s health proxy; he was the only one who could make that decision. The only reason she was even allowed information on Brian’s condition was because Justin signed a legal document giving her access to Brian’s medical records. He didn’t understand a lot of the medical terms, and didn’t trust anyone to explain it to him. Rena was a doctor, and Brian’s sister. He trusted her.

Up till this point, they were both very hopeful. Brian’s brain scan showed significant activity. It was her job to keep Justin positive.

Now, she had to tell him that the day may come, very soon, when he’d have to make the decision to put Brian on total life support.

Her mind was screaming in denial at the unfairness of it all. She lost one brother, she couldn’t’ lose another. It was too much for her to bear.

Rena looked over at Brian who lay motionless in the bed. She hated that the doctor told her the news in front of him. She, like Justin, believed Brian could hear every word they spoke.

“Thank you for your time doctor.” Rena said dismissively.

The doctor nodded and left the room. His job was done.

Rena ran her hand over her brother’s forehead, smoothing his hair aside. He needed a haircut she noticed.

“Oh Bean… Please don’t do this. Don’t put Justin in the same position Andy put you in.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead.

“He’s not as strong as you..” She said.

“I’m not that strong….” She choked out.

She knew her brother well, if it came to it, he would not want to live as a vegetable. Just like Andy did not want to live another day in excruciating pain. Justin would have to be the one to decide to pull Brian off life support. And, she knew, it would kill him.

She laid her head on the bed and cried. Her heart could not take another loss. She soaked the sheets of the bed with her tears. Tears she’d held back since that awful night ten weeks ago. Tears she would not shed in front of Justin. Tears she refused to shed in fear they would not stop falling. Tears, that wouldn’t’ stop falling.

This was how Justin found her when he came back.

 

*******************************************

 

“I fucking love you!” Shane said grabbing the bag of MacDonald’s Adam brought her.

“Well I can’t have you living on hospital food can I?” Adam said warily as he sat down on the hard metal chair in the hospital cafeteria.

Shane bit into the greasy burger and sighed in complete bliss.

“You have no idea how much your kid loves this shit.” She mumbled with her mouth full.

Adam laughed. “Right. And mom loves vegetables and fruits and healthy foods.” He taunted.

He’d been trying to get Shane to eat healthier since her pregnancy with no luck. The woman was a junk food addict.

Shane made a face. “Fuck that. What do I look like? A rabbit?” She asked.

“The rabbit died, remember?” Adam said.

“Ha, ha..” Shane spat out sarcastically.

She ate her burger in silence for a while.

“Any change?” Adam asked breaking the silence.

Shane had been spending all of her free time at the hospital. When she wasn’t at the hospital, she was at Kinnetik’s helping Ted and Cynthia keep the place going.

Ted was working like a maniac. He pulled in two new accounts since Brian’s ‘accident’, as they all called it. Everyone there was determined to not only keep Kinnetik’s running, but to keep it moving forward. Adam had never seen a more loyal group of employee’s. It astounded him actually. In his line of work, no one was loyal.

It was that loyalty that drew him to Shane’s family. They were all like that. Brian could be in a coma for the rest of his life, and he knew, without a doubt, his family would be by his side. It humbled him to know, that now, they considered him family as well. He wanted to earn that sense of loyalty. He made sure that John had no legal problems obtaining the top half of the hospital; he also fast tracked Rena and Justin’s legal request for Rena to be party to information on Brian’s health.

But he knew the best thing he could do for them was to make sure Hobbs got put away for life. He was working around the clock building an airtight case with the DA against Hobbs that would guarantee just that. Actually, he was aiming for a double life sentence.

It was a challenge, one Adam welcomed. The Arian Nation sent their lawyer to defend Hobbs. They had plenty of resources, and motive. It was rare to find a lone operator like Hobbs. They wanted him back on the streets. Pity, Adam thought, this was one psychopath who was never going to see the outside of a prison cell. They were wasting their time.

Adam was pulling out all the stops, he was skirting laws and breaking a few in the process and the DA was looking the other way. He smelled political appointments if he won this case. Adam was his ticket.

Not only did Adam have the means and connections to get the conviction, but he also had the power to arrange for Hobbs to be placed in a facility of his choice. Oh, and he had the perfect place in mind. One with the worse record for rapes, by prisoners and guards alike. At the end of the day, Hobbs was going find himself spending the rest of his life being ganged banged by some pretty bad men. His worse fears realized.

Talk about poetic Justice.

That was is personal gift to Justin and Brian.

He looked over at his wife and frowned at the dark circles beneath her eyes.  
This whole ordeal was taking its toll on her. But he refused to nag her about working too many hours, or not sleeping or eating enough. That would be pointless and only add to her stress. Instead, he tried to fulfill her needs, whatever they may be. Right now it was MacDonald’s, and being near Brian and Justin.

She sighed and put the burger down, suddenly losing her appetite.

“Justin is talking to Rena now. They have a do not disturb sign on the door. Something is up. The doc from Switzerland just left.” She said.

“Hey, that could be good news. Maybe they’re discussing some new medical treatment they have to bring a person out of a coma. Who knows? They’re always coming up with new shit. Maybe they want to try it out on Brian, and Rena and Justin are discussing the risks, and merit’s of it.” Adam said.

Shane looked at him and smiled. Leave it to her lawyer husband to make an argument for everything.

“Maybe.” She said then went back to eating her burger.

Adam looked up and saw Michael and his mother approach. The flashy red headed woman appealed to Adams sense of chaos. Adam loved chaos. It kept those around him off balance.

Deb stopped in front of their table, a tray of food in her hands and glared at the newlyweds.

“Jesus fucking Christ you two look like shit!” She spat out.

Shane laughed; Adam looked down at his suit.

“I think my two thousand dollar suit is insulted.” He retorted.

“Yeah well maybe you should try not sleeping in it.” She said then turned her attention on Shane.

“And YOU missy, better start getting some rest! You look like a fucking raccoon with those eyes! Think of your baby. Brian will be furious if he finds out you’ve not been taking care of yourself. “She scolded.

“If he ever wakes up.” Mikey said.

Deb slapped him across the head. “Don’t fucking ever say that again, or think it!” She said passionately.

Everyone grew silent. Deb placed the food she was carrying on the table and sat down. Michael followed suit.

“Now, how is the asshole doing today?” She asked Shane.

Shane laughed. “Haven’t seen him yet. Rena and Justin are locked up in the room, having some private conversation. The new doc saw Brian today.” She informed them.

“That’s good, right?” Michael piped up.

He’d been like a lost puppy since the incident. If it weren’t for Ben, Michael would be a complete mess. Brian was always the strong one. His “Rage”. To see his best friend everyday lying helplessly in that bed crushed Michael. He wanted to be positive, but each day that passed, and Brian didn’t’ wake up his spirit plummeted.

 

Shane shrugged. “I’m not sure.” She said.

“Hey, how’s Joan doing?” Shane asked Deb.

Deb snorted. “I should be doing so well! Justin got her in some fancy rehab house. More like a resort spa for the rich and famous! She gets facials and massages every day! Emmett goes to see her regularly.” Deb said.

Joan was very weak after giving so much blood she had to stay in the hospital for a few days. She started to detox. The doctors wanted to send her up to their detox center but Justin refused. He got her into the best rehab center he could find.

“Emmett? That’s odd, I didn’t know they were close.” Adam said.

“They’re not. Actually, Joan scares the shit out of Emmett.” Michael said.

“But she did save Brian’s life, and Emmett feels responsible for her now. He’s still guilt ridden over what happened. I hear him and James are having problems.” Michael said.

Shane shook her head. “James is out of his mind. I’ve never seen him like this. Did you know Emmett refuses to get his face fixed?” She said.

“Yeah, I know. I can’t believe it. He’s as vain as Brian!” Michael said.

“I know. James tried to take him to a plastic surgeon, but Emmett refused. He feels he deserves to be disfigured. James doesn’t care what he looks like. Actually, knowing James it probably makes him hot. But he knows Emmett, the old Emmett, would never willingly walk around with a scar.” Shane said.

“I’ve tried to talk to him, but he’s so depressed, there’s nothing I can say to snap him out of it.” Michael said.

“Well maybe his little shopping trip with Justin today will cheer him up.” Shane said.

“WHAT?!” Deb yelled out.

“Sunshine left the room? That’s fucking great!” She beamed.

Shane smiled. “Yeah, it’s about time. He was starting to freak me out. He looked a bit more relaxed when they got back. Even Emmett looked a little happier.” Shane said.

“Well at least that’s some good news.” Michael breathed a sigh of relief.

Shane picked her burger up and went to take a bite when her eyes came in contact with a very serious Justin coming their way.

“Shit. Something’s wrong.” She said.

Everyone turned around and watched as Justin approached.

“Hey Sunshine, how’s it going?” Deb asked, her worried face belying her cheerful voice.

“Shane, I need to talk to you.” Justin said ignoring Deb.

Fuck, this can’t be good. Shane thought…

*****************************************************

 

Justin could not believe what Rena had told him. Why!? Why!? Why!!??  
His mind screamed. All he’s ever wanted, all he’s ever needed was Brian, and for some God only knows reason, the fates were determined to tear them apart.

He was tired. Bone weary. His soul was simply dying. He couldn’t think of any other way to put his feelings into words.

When Rena told him what the doctor had said, he had immediately ordered another brain scan. It only confirmed what the doctor told Rena. Brian’s brain activity was diminishing, and fast.

He fucking knew Brian was restless, but this?! WHY! WHY! WHY!

Rena wasn’t going to be able to handle it if Brian…. …He couldn’t even say it. She was losing it as it was. What would happen to her if Brian……?

Arrrgghhhh!!!! He was so fucking mad at Brian. So mad at himself, at everyone and every fucking thing! And worse of all, he was mad at God for putting him in the same position Brian was in when Andy was dying.

He didn’t know, Brian never told him, but Rena confessed it just moments ago.

Justin would not even discuss the possibility of taking Brian off life support if it came to that, but Rena reminded him that Brian would never want to live like that. And then, that’s when she told him of that night, when Andy tried to take his own life, and Brian wouldn’t let him because of his strong religious beliefs. So he did something so fucking courageous, so selfless, that it fucking blew Justin’s mind.

He set his brothers soul free.

My God, he thought, what strength that must have taken! And now, how bitterly ironic, that he might be in that same position. But unlike Brian, he didn’t have the courage to do what Brian did. He would never be able to carry that burden. Yet, he wouldn’t let Brian’s soul be imprisoned in a body that was artificially kept alive. The thought of that was so cruel, it simply wasn’t an option.

And that’s when he knew. The answer, the only answer, came to him.

Sadly, or maybe not so sadly, once he knew what he had to do, his tortured mind and soul suddenly calmed. A quiet stillness filled him. He felt at peace with his decision. In fact, he felt hope, for the first time.

He left Rena sitting with Brian and went in search of Shane. He would need her help.

 

*************************************************

 

Later that night Justin climbed in bed with Brian. He pulled the covers up over them and snuggled up close to his love. He smiled serenely as he stroked his hair.

“I know you heard Rena and I talking.” Justin whispered to Brian.

“I don’t want you to worry about a thing. It’s ok. I know you’re hurting, and fighting hard, and it must be torture to know you might lose. But there is no loss Brian, you must know that by now.” Justin said and kissed the side of Brian’s neck.

“It’s ok..” Justin repeated.

“Whatever happens, we’ll be together. Our souls are destined to be together. Don’t be afraid. If you go, I’ll be right behind you. I told you once before, where you go I follow.” Justin said and snuggled closer.

“I talked to Shane. She told me how to do it so there won’t be any pain. A warm bath, a bottle of Chianti and a razor blade, cutting vertical, following the vein up, not horizontal. I won’t feel a thing.” Justin said sighing peacefully.

Justin felt guilty over putting Shane in that position, but he assured her, that if she didn’t tell him the best, and least painful way to do it, he would do it anyway, and probably make a mess, and cause himself a shit load of pain. Shane was smart enough to know that if a person wanted to kill themselves, nothing, and no one could stop them.

Having been a cutter, and attempting suicide on several occasions, she was an expert on the subject. She reluctantly told him. He made her promise not to tell anyone, for that would only cause him and Brian more pain because they would take him away and lock him up, separating him from his love. He would still kill himself he assured her, but she would be the cause of his and Brian’s prolonged suffering. She really had no choice. He hoped, one day, she would forgive him.

“Rena can adopt our baby. I’ll talk to Lucy. Adam can arrange it. It will keep her sane. She cant’ have any children of her own, and raising her brothers child will give her reason to live once we’re gone. And Lindsey will make sure Gus never forgets you, you know that. So you see, everything is going to be fine.” Justin breathed the scent of his love in.

“I love you Brian. Always have, always will…” He said drifting off to sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Several hours later, Justin was jolted awake. The room was dark except for the blue fluorescents lights framing the bed. He blinked a few times to clear the sleep from his eyes.

He turned his head and held his breath as his eyes came in contact with hazel ones.

He must be dreaming he thought, but ohhh… what a lovely dream….

He smiled brightly.

 

Brian looked into Justin’s face and knew he wasn’t dead. No Angel, not even heaven could shine as bright as one of his blonde’s million watt smiles.

“Hey.” He said.

Justin jerked up in bed. He sat looking down at Brian, shock registered in his face.

“Hey…” He said cautious…

“What the fuck were you thinking?”……..


	68. My Boyfriends Back

"I drove all night to get to you  
Is that all right?   
I drove all night, crept in your room  
Woke you from your sleep to make love to you  
Is that all right?   
I drove all night

What in this world keeps us from falling apart?   
No matter where I go  
I hear the beating of our one heart  
I think about you when the night is cold and dark

No one can move me the way that you do  
Nothing erases this feeling between me and you  
I drove all night to get to you  
Is that all right?"

~ I Drove All Night

 

“Knock, Knock.”

9:00 a.m. Right on time, as usual.

Justin sighed and reluctantly got out of bed.

He went to answer the door.

“Good morning!” Ronald said cheerily.

He had heard the bad news yesterday through the nurse’s grapevine. Brian Kinney had quite a flock of admires amongst the staff. The man may be in a coma, but that didn’t stop the nurses from drooling over him.

They were absolutely heartbroken at the news his condition had worsened.

He had no idea what to expect this morning from Justin. Up till this point, he acted as if nothing was wrong. Ronald suspected he was able to maintain that façade because up till yesterday, at least there was hope.

Today that had vanished.

“Not today Ronald, Brian needs to rest.” Justin said.

Ronald frowned. Poor kid. He’s gone off the deep end.

“Justin? Can you tell me what day it is?” He asked, trying to gauge the extent of Justin’s mental breakdown.

Justin looked at him oddly.

“Of course I can! It’s Monday. Why? Is something wrong with your memory?” Justin asked.

Ronald frowned. “No, but I’m concerned about yours at the moment. Brian has been resting for 10 weeks now Sunshine.” Ronald said soothingly as if he were talking to a crazy person.

 

“Don’t call him that.” A voice came from the bed.

Ronald literally jumped back. His eyes shot to the bed. Brian lay there, unmoving, eye’s closed.

“How the fuck did you do that?” He eyed Justin suspiciously. The kid obviously knew how to throw his voice, or something. Maybe he was a ventriloquist.

“See, now you woke him.” Justin said then opened the door for Ronald to come in.

Ronald cautiously walked over to the bed and looked down at his patient.

Brian opened one eye and peered up at him.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” Ronald screeched grabbing his heart.

“HE’S UP!” He yelped.

“Yes “he” is, and HE does NOT appreciate you calling my partner Sunshine.” Brian said.

Ronald gulped, “Um, sorry Mr. Kinney, I just… Wait a damn minute now!” Ronald floundered.

“HE’S UP!” Ronald said again.

Brian looked over at Justin.

“Is there something wrong with him? He keeps repeating himself.” He asked.

“This is Ronald Brian. Your physical therapist. He’s the one responsible for keeping your muscles tone during your sleep.” Justin explained.

Brian smiled sexily at Justin. “Really?”

Justin blushed.

Brian turned to Ronald. “Great job on my arms, but my legs could have used more work. Sunshine had to ride me last night, my legs were too weak to hold me up.” He said.

Ronald’s jaw dropped open. “YOU HAD SEX? Jesus, you can’t do that!” Ronald said.

Brian cocked his brow. “Oh, but I assure you I can. And very well too I might add. I’m so good in fact I’m surprised Justin didn’t fuck me while I was out. I can literally do it in my sleep.” Brian said with a great deal of bravado.

Justin laughed. “Don’t think I didn’t think of it.” He teased.

Brian pushed himself up on his arms with much effort. He sat with his back resting against the headboard.

“Holy Shit! You lifted yourself up! That’s great!” Ronald said, still shocked Brian actually came out of his coma, especially since the latest test results were so damaging.

“It would be even greater if you can get me standing, preferably walking.” Brian complained.

“He tried to stand last night, but couldn’t bear his own weight. I had to help him.” Justin told Ronald.

“Argghh!” Ronald threw his hands up.

“He can’t be doing things on his own this soon! He’s been out for…”Ronald paused and leaned over and whispered to Justin.

“Does he know?” He asked.

“He knows he’s been asleep for 10 weeks.” Justin said.

Ronald stood up and huffed. “Well then he should also know his body needs time to adjust to moving on it’s own! Physical therapy helped, it will speed up his recovery, but he’s rushing it! And having sex, what were you thinking???” Ronald scolded.

Justin shrugged. Funny, Brian asked him that same question when he first woke up.

“Brian has always done exactly what he wants to do Ronald. He needed, um, activity when he woke, and he got it.” Justin explained smilingly sheepishly.

 

Justin was still on cloud nine. Having Brian come back to him was a miracle. He cried when Brian spoke to him. His words not really registering at the time. All he knew was that his love was awake. Brian gathered him in his arms and soothed him, assuring him he wasn’t dreaming.

Justin sat up most the night answering Brian’s questions. Brian was very anxious to know what happened, how long he’d been out, and if he had any permanent injuries. Hence his attempt to get out of bed.

When that failed, amazingly enough, or not so amazing for Brian Fucking Kinney, he wanted to fuck. His legs may have been weak, but his arms and cock were strong as hell and he held Justin’s hips as Justin rode him long and hard.

He fell asleep immediately afterwards, much to Justin’s relief. Justin had managed to elude Brian’s question “what the fuck were you thinking?” by breaking down and crying. After that, Brian was too consumed with wanting to fill in the gaps, and getting laid of course. Justin knew however Brian was not about to let that go. He obviously either heard Justin, or felt Justin’s intentions to kill himself. He would have to explain himself to Brian sooner or later and Justin was not looking forward to that conversation.

Thank God Rena would be here soon. It would buy him more time.

“Well what’s done is done. Right now, all that matters is YOUR UP!” Ronald said again.

Brian sighed. “There he goes again, repeating himself.”

Ronald laughed. “Well this is a God Damned Miracle, that’s what it is! I think celebrations are in order!” Ronald said.

Justin laughed. “Yes, they are, but not now Ronald. We haven’t told anyone yet. Actually, you’re the first to know.” Justin said.

They talked about calling Rena last night, but decided against it because Brian knew she’d be there in a flash, and he wanted a little time alone with Justin.

“Shit, you mean the doctors don’t even know?” Ronald asked.

“No, but we’ll tell them this morning. So DON’T go blabbing. Not if you value your job.” Justin said, his eyes narrowed.

Brian looked over at Justin with raised brows. Seems’ his little Sunshine has turned into a vicious tiger. Well, he could understand why. He’s been protecting him. And nothing is more dangerous then a Justin protecting his man.

“Ronald, I’ll tell the doctors when Rena gets here. You know they’ll want to do a shit load of tests. I want my sister to know I’m up first before they haul me off.” Brian said more gently.

Justin had the good grace to look embarrassed. He hadn’t realized what a tyrant he must have been these past 10 weeks.

Ronald smiled. “It’s ok Mr. Kinney. As far as I’m concerned, I didn’t get to this room yet. I started with Mrs. Kibler.” He said then winked at him.

Justin fumed. “Out Ronald.” He said.

Ronald cleared his throat and turned to leave.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, with the Doc’s ok, to get you started on physical therapy. Don’t worry, we’ll have you up and running in no time!” Ronald said turning back to look at Brian.

“Thank you.” Brian said.

Justin ushered Ronald unceremoniously out the door. Slamming it behind him.

He then turned back to Brian.

“What happened to your WASP manners? You were pretty rough on him. That’s not like you.” Brian said.

Justin snorted. “He’s rude and he was flirting with you.” Justin said.

“The man is straight as an arrow. My gaydar is still intact.” Brian commented.

“Come here.” He patted the bed. Justin jumped into the bed and cuddled up to him.

“I’m sorry Bri, I just want you all to myself right now. I know this sounds bad, but I don’t’ even want Rena here. You’ve been gone so long…” Justin broke off.

“Sunshine, listen to me. Are you listening?” Brian asked.

Justin looked up at him and nodded.

“I’m fine, I’m up, and I’m not going anywhere.” He said, and then crossed his brow angrily.

“Not anywhere you won’t follow, right sunshine…” He drawled out the name sarcastically.

Justin cringed. Brian was angry.

“Bri.. I couldn’t…”

“Bullshit. I don’t want to hear it. Jesus Justin! What the fuck were you thinking?!” Brian fumed.

“Here is a bit of truth you need to realize, I am going to die before you.”

Justin tried to argue but Brian cut him off.

“No, I know it. Andy told me. But it’s ok. It’s how it SHOULD be. I doubt if it will be anytime soon. But when I do go I NEED you here! Our children will need you.” Brian said.

Justin looked at him curiously. “Children? You mean Gus and the baby?” Justin asked.

Brian rubbed his forehead and sighed. “Yes, I think…I don’t know.” Brian said then pinched the bridge of his nose.

Justin waited patiently for Brian to explain. He could feel Brian’s uncertainty. Something had happened to Brian while he was in that coma.

“It’s all a blur but when I was out, I saw a lot of things. I was half in half out of consciousness. At times, I felt completely here, in this room, and then other times, I was drifting, in limbo. I saw Andy..” Brian turned to look at the huge painting Justin brought to their room.

“He likes the painting by the way. He says thank you.” Brian said.

Justin smiled, tears filled his eyes.

“He also said he was sick of seeing me.” Brian laughed looking at the picture.

“In my ‘dream state’, we walked a bit. I saw many images. Some I recognized from my past. But other images made no sense to me. I saw children, but I’m not sure if they were your students, from your school, or our children. God I hope they weren’t OUR children. There were several, and they were trouble.” Brian groaned.

Justin laughed.

“It was all very confusing. What’s more fucking confusing is that I actually believe all this shit. My brain was probably just reacting to lack of blood and I was hallucinating.” Brian rationalized and shook his head. He looked down on his blonde.

Justin couldn’t look more radiant. He was so happy to have him back. Brian’s heart clenched. He knew how hard these past weeks were on him. Still, he had to be firm. This was something he absolutely resolute about.

“My point is, you are NOT to follow me “there” Justin. Ever. I will never forgive you.” Brian said determinedly.

Justin knew he meant it.

“You want honesty Brian? Sure I can promise you I won’t, but I don’t know if I can keep that promise. I can’t image my life with out you.” He said candidly.

“Justin, if it is true, that our souls are meant to be together, then it’s only time. We will be together. But in THIS world, you must stay. For me. My soul would never rest knowing you were not there for our children. You are to stay and when your time comes, and believe me it will, no one escapes death, we’ll be together again.” Brian said. It terrified him to know Justin would actually kill himself if he died.

Justin sighed and laid his head on Brian’s chest. “Lets not talk about this, ok?” He said.

Brian pushed Justin away. “NO!” He said. He had to make Justin understand how serious he was about this.

“I PROMISE you, that if I can’t trust you to be strong, and have faith, a faith that you claim to have when it’s convenient for you, and wait for us to be together instead of rushing the process, I will leave your ass now. Understand? I mean it Justin.” He needed Justin to understand the severity of the situation.

Justin gasped. “YOU WOULD NOT!” He denied, angry tears in his eyes.

“Oh yes I will! I want us to LIVE together Justin, not die together. Dying is easy; it’s living that’s hard. Carrying on the work, and the memory of the one you claim to love. You love me Justin? Then live for me.” His words were harsh, but he was unwavering when it came to this.

He wasn’t a religious man but Andy was. And Andy believed with all his heart that if he killed himself, his soul would be lost in Hell or some shit like that. Brian didn’t know the specifics, but he knew one thing. Andy was never wrong. He may not believe it, but Andy did.

And that was enough for Brian to fear for Justin’s soul.

Justin just stared at him. Shocked and hurt, but yet, deep inside, he knew Brian was right. It was an easy decision to die with Brian. It was too hard even thinking about living ‘for’ him. It was much easier to die with him. But that was selfish. If Brian died, he would have live if for nothing else, then to raise their baby for in truth, no one would keep Brian alive for their child like Justin would. Brian was right. True love was living for someone, not dying for them. And living on after they were gone, keeping their memory alive.

Justin turned three shades of red before Brian saw understanding dawn in his loves eyes. He smiled.

“Ok?” He asked.

“Ok, I promise. I’ll live for you Brian. Always.” Justin said then threw himself in Brian’s arms.

Brian looked over at the clock. Ah hell, Rena would be there soon and Brian Fucking Kinney did NOT do quickies!

Well, maybe just this once……..

 

******************************************************

 

“I told you she needs to come home. Look at her! She looks like she hasn’t slept in days! That man obviously can’t take care of her.” Brian said to Rena who was propped up in his bed next to him, clutching his hand in a death grip. She’d been in that position for the past several hours.

“That man is standing right here in the room if you don’t mind. And I can take perfectly good care of my wife thank you.” Adam retorted.

Rena smiled. All was right. Her brother was up, and he and Adam were sniping at each other.

Yes, her world was right again….

“Don’t you DARE put that sandwich down! Finish it.” Brian yelled over at Justin.

Justin guiltily picked up the tuna salad sandwich and took another bite. Brian was furious with Justin for not taking care of himself. Ronald was right, he’d lost about 15 lbs during the time Brian was asleep. Brian had him on a 3 meals a day schedule now. He even incorporated Deb’s help. She was bringing lasagna over later.

After his reunion with his sister, they had called the rest of the family to tell them the good news. Shane was the first. Justin had a long talk with Shane, apologizing for putting her in that position, and assuring her that he would NEVER do something like that again. It was just a temporary moment of insanity he explained. Shane could certainly understand that. She was just happy that Brian was up. Everyone was ecstatic over it.

“The boy will fatten up in no time.” James said smirking from the window.

Brian smiled over at James. The man literally saved his life. Justin believed James was some sort of guardian angel sent to first protect Rena, and then to save him. Brian saw no wings, but he certainly fit the description.

“Good. Then I won’t be the only one getting fat around here!” Shane playfully complained.

“I think you’ll look cute fat.” Mikey said.

He was sitting on the other side of the bed, his Captain Astro comic book in his hands.

“You would. You also think Captain Astro can bring people out of coma’s.” Brian quipped.

Michael blushed.

“I’m surprised I didn’t wake up sooner just to avoid having to lay here and listen to you read another fucking issue of that comic! I thought you were my best friend? Wasn’t’ it enough you tortured me in high school by making me join your Captain Astro club?” Brian asked tongue in cheek.

“What torture? We were the only two in the club! And you loved Captain Astro!” Michael pouted.

“No, I loved you. I joined cause I felt sorry for you.” Brian said in a funny voice.

Adam laughed.

“Yeah, well I can’t believe you heard me reading to you! That’s so weird!” Mikey said.

“The whole fucking experience was weird. I’d sooner forget it if you don’t mind.” Brian said.

“Brian is right. What’s done is done. Time to move forward. So when did they say you can get out of here?” James asked.

Brian was glad for the change of topic. “First they got to get all the test results back to make sure my brain isn’t fried……” He quickly turned to Justin

“No comment from you.” He warned, smiling.

Justin laughed.

“They should be in later tonight. If all is ok, I start physical therapy tomorrow. With any luck by weeks end I should be out.” Brian said.

“That’s great.” Emmett said nervously from the corner of the room where he sat. He hadn’t said much at all since he got there. Brian frowned.

He turned to look at James. James sighed and shrugged his shoulders. Brian saw the tension in the man.

“Re, do me a favor, ok?” Brian asked.

Rena sat up. “Anything, what do you need?” She asked anxiously.

“I need you to let go of my fucking hand before you break it and go meet John for lunch.” Brian said curtly.

Rena made and face and pulled away from him getting out of the bed.

“FINE! Ungrateful son of bitch. I’m going!” She said, but then smiled and leaned over and kissed his cheek.

“We’ll be back tonight.” She said.

“Great. Bring cake for Sunshine.” Brian said.

“I’m fucking eating already!” Justin complained, his mouth full of tuna.

“Good, now go walk Rena out.” Brian said then turned to James.

“James, take Mikey over to that Thai restaurant on Antler Street and get me some food. This fucking swill is killing me.” Brian said.

They started him off on a liquid diet since his body hadn’t had any solid food in 10 weeks.

“Brian you can’t eat anything solid for at least another 24 hours! You heard the doctor! And then only soft foods!” Michael scolded like an old mother hen.

That was his Mikey….

“Somehow I think I’ll survive some noodles and hot and sour soup.” He said to Mikey smiling.

Brian then turned his attention to Adam.

“Adam, take Shane home. NO more work for you for the next few days.” Brian said.

Shane started to protest but Adam interrupted her.

“Look at it this way fancy face. This is ONE thing Brian and I agree upon. You’re coming home to rest.” He said.

Shane reluctantly gave in and promised Brian she’d be back later to see him.

“Fine, come back if you want. But I’m leaving strict instructions I don’t want to see you.” Brian said caustically.

Shane looked at him with blazing eyes. “Rena is right, you are an ungrateful son of a bitch!” She said, hands on her hips.

“Yes, and you’re on the verge of exhaustion, and carrying a child. So hate me, but you will rest tonight.” Brian said.

That softened Shane’s attitude a bit. She went over and kissed Brian’s cheek.

“Tomorrow?” She asked hopefully.

Brian laughed. “Ok squirt. But not before noon. I mean it. I want you to rest, ok?”

“As if I have a choice. I’m sure Adam won’t let me out of the house now that you are up.” She said.

She knew Adam was being very tolerant with her because he knew nothing could stop her from doing all she could to help out her family while Brian was in a coma, but now that he was awake, she knew all bets were off. If he had to, he’d tie her to the bed.

She smiled at that. Maybe she’d make him do just that, she thought remembering the last time he tied her to the bed.

“Noon it is then.” She said.

Brian looked back over at James. He just literally threw everyone, including Justin, out of his room. Everyone that is except for Emmett.

James nodded his head understanding what Brian wanted, and was very grateful.

“Come on Mikey, well get him some soft Thai food.” James said grabbing Michael by the arm and dragging him out.

Emmett got up to follow them out.

“Em, stay with me.” Brian said.

Emmett looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

It hit everyone at once then what Brian’s intentions were and they all made a hasty departure.

Justin was the last to leave. He turned to look at Brian with an expression in his eyes that said. “Go easy on him.”

Once the room was empty, Emmett looked around, trying to find something to fix his gaze on. Anything but Brian.

“Fucking drama queen, get your ass over here.” Brian said exasperated.

Emmett lowered his head and walked over to the side of the bed.

Brian reached up and grabbed him, pulling him down in the bed with him.

Emmett screeched loudly. “Brian you’re going to hurt yourself, what are you doing!” Emmett asked quickly sitting up in the bed.

Brian sat up and faced him. He reached his hand out and ran his finger along Emmett’s cheek feeling the bumpy scar tissue there.

“You look like fucking shit.” He said.

Emmett blushed and turned away.

Brian raised his brow. “What? No “fuck you Kinney”?” He asked.

Emmett didn’t answer. Brian sighed.

“Em knock the shit off. The martyr routine doesn’t suit you.” He said.

That got Emmett’s attention.

“Wha wha what?!” He stammered surprised and angry.

Brian raised his brow. “ You heard me. You’re walking around acting like a martyr, and personally, it’s starting to piss me off.” Brian said.

Emmett’s eyes shot daggers at Brian.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” He asked.

His hands immediately flew to his mouth the moment the words left him. He was shocked that he just yelled at Brian. The man just got out of a coma, a coma he was responsible for putting him in.

“Oh fuck, I’m so sorry Bri..”

“Shut the fuck up already.” Brian interrupted him.

“I’m not going out with you looking like that. Get your face fixed.” Brian said.

Emmett started to cry.

“Fuck.” Brian spat out.

“Emmett, listen to me. Are you listening?” Brian asked.

Emmett nodded his head, tears streaming down his face.

Brian looked very uncomfortable.

“This is not easy for me, so I’m only going to say this once.” Brian said, and then took a deep breath.

“Thank you.” He said.

Emmett stopped crying and tilted his head. Had the man gone insane?

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Emmett said.

Brian gave him a look. “You’re seriously not going to make me say it again are you?” Brian asked indignantly.

Emmett shook his head. “I don’t understand? Thank you? What the fuck? Brian, you nearly died because of me!” Emmett said.

Well there it was, out in the open. Good start Brian thought.

“Bullshit. Yeah, you were a stupid little twat keeping that letter from James. You should know better. You don’t walk down dark alleys alone, you don’t fuck with out a condom, EVER, and you don’t piss off straight people, especially when they’re in groups. BUT if you do, if you happen to fuck up once in a while, it NEVER justifies what Hobbs and his pal did to us.” Brian said.

Emmett knew Brian was right, but still, his actions did lead to Brian and Justin being put in danger.

“Bri, I almost go you killed.” Emmett said quietly.

“What the fuck are you talking about? You saved my life!” Brian said.

“Um, maybe you do have brain damage. I may have alerted you to the fact there was a gun pointed at you, but you still got shot.” Emmett reminded Brian.

“Exactly “I” got shot. Justin was spared. Like I said. You saved my life. Justin is my life.” Brian said.

Emmett choked up and started crying again.

“Or for fucks sake. Must we go through this?” Brian said.

Emmett threw his arms around Brian and hugged him.

“I only wish it was me who got shot!” Emmett said.

Brian shook his head. “Not your job. It’s my job to protect my Sunshine.” He said and pulled back and smiled at Emmett.

“So, you’ll get your face fixed? Cause there will be no trips to Babylon with me if you don’t.” Brian said.

Emmett wiped his eyes, and straightened his shoulders. Brian saw a bit of the old Emmett creeping back in his eyes.

“I’ll have you know Mr. Brian Fucking Kinney, that scarred or not, I can still get more men than you! Actually, this scar lends a bit of rustic appeal to my already devastatingly good looks, don’t you think? I’m thinking of keeping it, just for a bit mind you, milk it for all it’s worth.” He said then winked at Brian.

Brian laughed. “Fucking slut. Don’t let James hear you talk like that.” He said.

Emmett feigned fear, in his typical over dramatic style. “Please, getting my face broken would be like a walk in the park compared to the torture James would put me through if he caught me fucking around again!” Emmett said with an over exaggerated shiver to his body.

“So does this mean you’re not tricking anymore?” Brian asked

Emmett gave him a shy look. “It means I’m not getting caught again.” He said.

Both men laughed.

 

*********************************************************

 

Justin returned to the room an hour later to find two laughing men sitting up in bed.

He smiled. Brian had a way of making everything right for those he loved.

He walked in and shut the door behind him. Brian looked up at him and smiled. Justin held up a candy bar.

“See, I’m eating.” He said. Brian laughed and patted the bed.

Justin jumped in and pushed Emmett aside. The bed was big enough to fit an army.

“So, Em getting his face fixed?” Justin asked then took a bit of the bar.

“What am I not here?” Emmett huffed and grabbed the candy bar from Justin.

“Knock Knock.”

“Come in!” All three men called out.

Joan opened the door only to be greeted by her son, in bed, with two men.

She groaned and rolled her eyes.

“Lord, I know you are testing me now.” She said looking upwards.

“Mother Kinney! You weren’t supposed to be released until tomorrow! I was going to pick you up!” Emmett said rushing to her side.

Brian’s jaw dropped open. Emmett was fawning all over his mother like some hen pecked son!

“Mind telling me how you two got so friendly?” Brian asked.

Joan stiffened her spine and approached her son.

“Emmett has been God sent to me. He’s visited me every day in at the spa. Even your sister didn’t visit every day!” She spat out then turned to Emmett.

“They let me out on good behavior.” She said, her features visibly softening when speaking to Emmett.

Actually, she looked great Brian noticed. Fit, polished, and sober.

“Brian, I told you last night, remember? They wanted to put your mother in the detox center here but I didn’t think you’d want her in that awful place, so I sent her to a private recovery facility.” Justin explained.

“Still doesn’t explain how she and Honeycutt got to be so cozy!” Brian bitched.

Justin gave him an odd look. He was acting the jealous son.

“Don’t call me Honeycutt.” Emmett said.

Justin whispered in Brian’s ear. “Guilt.” He explained. Brian nodded.

“So, did this facility help you?” Brian directed his question to Joan.

“Yes, it did actually. Though I fear I’m being tested now! There was great spiritual guidance there, and I had a lot of time to think, with out any influences.” Joan explained.

Brian cringed. Spiritual guidance was one thing Joan didn’t need! He thought bitterly.

“Another fucking group of bible thumpers.” He growled.

“I’m surprised they let Em in at all.” He said.

“Why wouldn’t they? He is a child of God.” Joan said shocking both Brian and Justin.

“One who’s going to Hell, right mother?” Brian said sarcastically.

Joan had the good grace to look embarrassed.

“I honestly don’t know. But what I do know, is that, that is God’s decision. My job on this earth is to be kind and helpful to all of God’s children, including myself and to atone for my own sins, not those of others.” Joan said.

That left Brian totally speechless. Maybe this place did teach her a few things.

She reached into her pocketbook and pulled out a letter. She handed it to Justin.

“I’m atoning. Here, this is for you.” She said.

Justin recognized it. It was part of her 12-step program. Once clean, the addict writes a letter to all who were affected by their addiction, apologizing for the pain they’ve caused. Ted had given him and Brian a similar letter when he got out of rehab.

“Thank you.” Justin said taking the letter from her. It was such a huge step, his heart swelled.

Joan nodded her head and looked at her son.

“What? No letter for me?” He said, his voice dripping with acrimony.

“If I had one, would you accept it?” She asked honestly.

“No.” Brian said with out hesitation.

The history between him and his mother was so deep and painful; a letter just wouldn’t cut it. In fact, it would be an insult. He looked at his mother and saw she was thinking the same thing. He felt a twinge of respect, and appreciation for her at least acknowledging she’d fuck up so bad, it would take a lot more then a letter to make it right. If it was even possible for things to ever be right with them.

“I didn’t think so. No, you and I will have the rest of what’s left of my life, to get to know each other. I know you’ll resist me at every turn, but you are going to find out quickly how determined I am.” She said then did something so out of character, Brian laughed.

She smiled.

“Uh oh Bri, you're in trouble is she turns out to be half as tenacious as Justin was.” Emmett teased.

Brian threw a pillow at him.

“Wait, you said God was testing you? How?” Brian asked suddenly remembering Joan’s little ‘prayer’ for strength just a moment ago.

“It’s one thing for me to be accepting of your life choices Brian, but TWO men in bed! Honestly…!” Joan admonished then turned to Justin.

“And YOU young man, I expected better from you!” She huffed.

Justin laughed.

“I assure you Mother Kinney it’s not what it looks like.” He said.

Brian groaned.

“You have a son now Brian. A son you promised to bring to see me by the way.” Joan said.

“I’m doing my part to set a good example, you do your part!” She said narrowing her eyes.

Brian made a face. “Ok, I must still be in a coma. She’s NOT giving me parenting advice is she?” Brian said scowling.

Justin frowned at him. “Stop.” He said then turned to Joan.

“Don’t worry mother Kinney, we’ll behave. Especially now that we’ll be full time parents with the new baby.” Justin said.

It was Joan’s turn to drop her jaw. “WHAT?” She asked.

Oopps… Justin had forgotten to tell Joan about the baby with everything that’s happened.

“I’m sorry, with Brian’s accident and you in reh.. um, the recovery facility, I didn’t get a chance to tell you. Brian and I are having another baby.” Justin said.

Joan narrowed her eyes at her son. “Are you SURE you’re gay? You have more children then straight people!” She said.

Emmett burst out laughing by her side.

Joan shot him a reproachful look.

Emmett tried to reign in his mirth.

““Well I’m not surprised.” She sighed.

“It runs in our family.” She said.

Brian looked at her confused. “What do you mean it runs in our family?” He asked.

“Didn’t you read the contents of that box I gave you?” She asked.

Brian had totally forgotten about the box she’d given him at his ‘intervention’. It had some old photos and letters she wanted him to keep in memory of her gay brother, Aidan, who was murdered. He remembered it being a shocking revelation at the time.

“I really haven’t gotten a chance to look in it, why?” He asked.

“You’re Uncle Aidan, who was also gay, had a daughter. She was born the year he died. He never got to see her. One year later, to the day you were born.” She said shocking them all.


	69. Lost Boys

“To perceive is to suffer.”

~ Aristotle

 

“You haven’t heard a single word I’ve said, have you?” Justin asked over the humming sound of the treadmill.

He looked up from his computer and frowned.

Of course Brian didn’t hear him. He had his ipod earphones in.

“Brian!” Justin yelled out.

Brian looked over at him. He was wearing a pair of Gucci navy sweats with a matching ribbed wife beater. His body was covered in a slight sheen of sweat. His breathing was labored, his leg muscles flexed with each stride on the track. He looked so fucking hot…

In fact, Brian never looked better Justin thought. It had been two weeks since he came home from the hospital and Brian was not only back to normal, he was in better shape than ever.

He ran several miles a day on the treadmill and worked out at the gym four times a week. He also played racquetball with John every Tuesday and Friday afternoon. As if that weren’t enough exercise for him, he was literally fucking Justin day and night. He was insatiable, even by Brian fucking Kinney standards! Not that Justin minded, but he got little else done and he had to catch up on a lot of missed schoolwork. They had sex at least twice every morning, and then spent the evenings fucking until the wee hours of the night. Justin was exhausted. Brian however looked more vibrant, youthful and over all more fucking gorgeous than ever, if that was possible. It was as if he were rejuvenated after his long sleep.

 

Brian shut the treadmill off and took out his earphones. He stepped down and stretched.

“I heard you.” He said

 

“Really?” Justin looked at him skeptically.

“What did I say?”

Brian peered up at him. He was bent over, legs spread, grabbing on to his ankle as he stretched out his leg.

“Testing me?” He challenged with a playful smirk.

Justin’s heart skipped a beat. God he was more gorgeous! Shit I’m in trouble he thought shaking his head. The old Brian Kinney was an irresistible sex magnet; this new and improved version was a fucking walking wet dream!

“Never mind.” Justin sighed then turned his attention back to his computer screen.

Brian walked over to his desk and jump up on it sending his papers flying.

“Brian! I just printed those out!” Justin complained gathering up the scattered papers.

Brian smiled down at his lover and shook his head, sending little sweat droplets flying all over Justin.

Justin started laughing…”Stop it, you’re being juvenile.” He said his voice full of mirth.

“Will you come and play with me if I tell you what you said?” Brian said his eyes full of mischief.

Justin sat back in his chair and eyed Brian…

“Word for word?” He challenged.

Brian’s smile deepened. He got down off the desk and straddled Justin in his chair. He put his hands on the armrests and leaned in close.

“Brian have you talked to our landlord? He’s thinking of selling the building. We should make him an offer. I don’t want to lose the loft.” Brian said, repeating Justin’s words, verbatim.

Justin’s eyes widened. “I can’t believe you heard me over your ipod!” He said clearly impressed.

“If I fucking heard you from a coma, what makes you think I wouldn’t hear you over Madonna?” Brian said.

Justin laughed. Brian didn’t admit to many people he was a huge Madonna fan.

“Ok, you win. We can play.” He said leaning up to kiss Brian.

Brian captured his mouth hungrily. He knew he’d been working his boy out a lot lately, but he couldn’t help it. He had all this pent up energy and needed release.

He’d been working like a manic, exercising excessively, and fucking like a 17-year-old boy on Viagra. Well that last part was probably Justin’s fault. After all, he hadn’t fucked him in ten long weeks. There was a lot of fucking to make up for his dick rationalized.

He moaned deeply into Justin’s mouth as he leaned back on the desk pulling Justin with him.

He bumped up against the computer.

“Fuck!” He broke the kiss and looked behind him to make sure he didn’t push it too far back. Not that he gave a shit if the computer crashed to the floor, but Justin had all his work stored in it. He looked back at Justin when he was satisfied the computer wasn’t going to slip off the desk and frowned.

Justin looked pale, and tired. He’d been riding him to hard. His boy needed rest.

“Go take a nap.” He said releasing Justin.

Justin flopped back down in his chair, a little dazed.

“What the fuck?” He said.

Brian stood up and looked down on him. “You’re tired. Go nap.” Brian repeated

Justin made a face at him.

“Fuck you. First you get me all hot, and then you tell me to go nap. Yeah, like that’s going to happen.” He whined.

Brian reached down and pulled him up from his wrists.

“Ok, so first I’ll blow you, then you nap.” He said kissing Justin’s neck as he walked backwards towards their bedroom dragging Justin with him.

“Hmmm… now how can I turn down an offer like that?” He asked in a husky voice.

“You can’t.” Brian answered pushing Justin back on the bed once they entered the bedroom.

Justin looked up at him with hooded eyes as Brian removed his clothes in record time.

Once he had his boy naked, Brian ran his tongue up Justin throat, starting right below his Adam apple, trailing over his chin and ending at his bottom lip where he traced its’ fullness with the tip of his tongue.

Justin darted his tongue out to play with Brian’s. Brian teased him by pulling back, denying him access making Justin moan in frustration.

Brian then started licking his way down Justin’s body.

Justin stretched like a contented cat. He closed his eyes and surrendered his body to Brian’s will.

Brian worshipped his blondes’ soft milky skin thoroughly with his mouth and hands. By the time he got to his lower belly, he heard Justin’s breathing change. He looked up and let out a small laugh.

Justin was asleep. Poor kid. He was exhausted. Brian slowly got up and covered him with the duvet before quietly leaving the room.

He walked into the kitchen and took out a bottle of Guava juice from the refrigerator. He looked over at the bedroom as he took a long swig of the nectar.

He really needed to ease up on Justin he thought. He had a lot of work to catch up on at school. As it was, they told him he would have to retake a class over the summer. Justin was not happy about that. He wanted to spend the summer remodeling the loft, and start renovations on his school. Lucy was due late July and Justin wanted everything ready in time for the baby.

Brian knew about their landlords desire to sell their building and was already in negotiations with the realtor to purchase it. It was the perfect solution. They were having difficulties in redesigning the loft to fit all their needs. They needed a room for Gus and one for the baby, a workspace for Brian, a playroom for the kids and a room for the nanny.

They had decided they needed to hire a live in nanny once the baby was born. Not that they weren’t perfectly capable of raising their own kid, but they much rather have a nanny take care of things like shopping, laundry, diapers…. (Brian fucking Kinney did NOT change diapers, unless it was an emergency of course…. ) and other chores around the house. Having a live it would make it so much easier for them to spend more time with their child, and not on mundane chores. Of course they agreed they would still keep Conchetta. Brian wouldn’t trust anyone else with the care of his clothes.

The loft was just too small for their growing family. They were seriously considering looking for a bigger place when their building came up for sale. If his offer was accepted, they’d have three floors they could renovate to accommodate all their needs.

Once less thing to worry about…

The sound of the loft door opening broke through Brian’s’ thoughts. He looked to see Rena walk in carrying two shopping bags. He went over to help her.

“I thought you and John were going away this weekend?” He asked taking the bags away from her.

“We were, but there was some major glitch at the lab with the new drug they’re planning on introducing next month.” Rena explained.

“Jesus, I hope its nothing serious. We’re set to launch the ad campaign in two weeks. All TV, print and air spots have already been scheduled and paid for.” Brian said.

Remington Pharmaceuticals just got FDA approval for a new drug to help limit the reoccurrence of lice, crabs, and other parasite related sexually transmitted diseases. Brian was particularly proud of his work on this one. It was a tough topic to pitch.

“Well whatever it is, I’m sure you’ll hear about it soon enough. You talk to him more than I do.” Rena said.

Brian heard the bitterness in Rena’s voice. He put the bags down on the kitchen table and watched as she took her coat and scarf off. It was late March yet still very cold.

“What’s up Re?” He asked.

Rena sighed and started unpacking the bags.

“I need your advice.” She said unloading cans of tomato’s, spaghetti, Italian bread, and sausages.

Apparently Brian thought, she intended to make dinner for him and Justin.

“Wait, let me sit down first. I don’t think my heart can take this.” Brian teased.

Rena shot him an annoyed look.

“Ok, I know I’ve not exactly opened up to you since I’ve been back, but I needed to work things out on my own. You know if there was ANYONE I would confide in, it’s you Bean. Remember YOU sent me to that shrink, and I thank you. He’s really helped me work through a lot of shit.” She said.

“Do you know I didn’t have one seizure the whole time you were in a coma?” She said.

Brian raised his brow. “That’s great Re. So you’ve really gotten to the root of what caused them?” He asked.

“Yes. And yes, you were right. It all came back to Emilian. Once I faced that, and accepted it, I was able to move on. Now I need to know if I’m ready to move on with John.” She said.

Brian frowned. “Are you having second thoughts about marrying him?” Brian asked.

Rena emptied the last item from the bag and turned to face her brother.

“I love John. More importantly, I’m in love with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. God I never thought I’d hear myself say that, but it’s true. I want to make a life with him Bean, but can I do that, and keep secrets? I mean is that a way to start a marriage?” She asked eyeing her brother.

Brian brought his hand to his chin.

“What secrets?” He asked though he already knew the answer.

“Emilian, Andy, …” She said, confirming his suspicions.

Brian sighed. “Re, how much does he know?” He asked.

“He just knows Andy died from Aids, and what led up to it. He doesn’t know the details of what happened that night.” She said.

Brian snorted. “So fucking tell him. You told Justin!” Brian said, a bit of his own bitterness showing.

Justin and he discussed what Rena told him, and though Justin was amazing about it, as Justin always is when it came to Brian’s faults, Brian wasn’t thrilled that Rena had told him. It was his job to tell him.

Rena cringed. “I’m sorry, really, but the circumstances justified me telling him. Besides, what’s the problem? Justin feels the same way about what you did as I do. You saved Andy Brian.” Rena defended her actions.

She had no regrets telling Justin that Brian had taken Andy’s pain away from him that night, setting his soul free. She wanted him to know how brave Brian was, and to convince him he too would have to be that brave, if the situation ever arose where he would have to do that for Brian. Thank God it never came to pass.

Brian shrugged. “Rena, listen to me. If you want to tell John, tell him. I’m fine with it. I’ve made my peace.” He said.

“I think he should know, if for nothing else, it would explain the bond we have, and will always have.” She said.

Brian nodded.

They were both silent for a moment, lost in the memory of that night. They may have both come to peace with it, but neither would ever forget that night.

“Should I tell him everything?” Rena then asked cautiously, testing the waters.

That decision being made, she still had another major decision to make, though in truth, it was already made, she just needed to know if she made the right one.

She had indeed made excellent progress in therapy. She was able to face, and come to terms with her rape. Part of that meant she would have to tell John. Mainly because they were having problems in the bedroom.

Rena was great at fucking. It was easy for her. She used it, much like Brian did, as a means of control and pain management. But for different reason. Brian used it to drown out the horrors he went through first prostituting himself to help Andy, then having to end Andy’s suffering. She used it as means to take back what Emilian took from her.

The rape left her vulnerable, scared and shattered. Different people reacted differently to being violated like that. Some withdrew from sex all together, fearing it, others, like she, took control of her own sexuality, never allowing anyone to use it against her. She was always in control sexually and used it to control others.

Then John came along. She fell in love with him. Her emotions were playing a big role in their sexual encounters and Rena didn’t know how to handle that. Being in love, meant making love, and that meant giving up control to your partner. John caught on quickly that she was just ‘fucking’ him, and started demanding more from her.

She spent many hours going over this particular issue with her therapist and he said she needed to talk to John about the rape. At least if he knew, he’d understand better and could start going to therapy with her. She knew he was right and intended to tell him, but should she tell Brian?

She had asked her therapist that exact question and his answer was, only if she believed it would help in her recovery, or felt it would make a difference in their relationship. The answer to both was no. John needed to know; it directly affected their relationship, but her brother? No. That was the one relationship she had that she was secure in. As for her healing, it would make no difference there either. He had no part in it. It was a deed done, when he was in New York, and by her own doing. She walked right into that one. She could think of no good reason why to tell him; in fact, the only thing it would accomplish is hurting him.

She decided he never needed to know. Now she needed to know if she made the right decision.

Brian tilted his head and studied her. What was she getting at?

“Everything is a big order, don’t you think? If it’s important that he should know, then tell him. If it’s going to affect your future with him, tell him, but if it’s to confess every time you lied, cheated or fucked around in your life, then find a priest and confess it to him. John doesn’t need to hear it. It would only hurt him. I don’t see any benefit to that.” He said.

Rena sighed in relief. She had made the right decision. Brian just confirmed it. Telling him about her rape served no purpose other than to hurt him. She already confessed it to her therapist, she didn’t need a priest, and Brian never needed to know.

Now she just had to convince Justin never to tell him…

“You’re right. I don’t think John nor Adam would take kindly to knowing I fucked Shane.” She said with an impish smile playing on her lips

Brian laughed. “Nor would Emmett take kindly to the fact you fucked James. He might just queen out on you, royally!”

“Ok, point taken. Some secrets are best kept secret.” She said winking at him.

Brian ruffled her hair and she playfully smacked him.

The phone rang.

“That’s probably John now.” Rena said answering the phone. She was closest to it.

“Hello.”

“Um, sure Joan, he’s right here.” Rena said handing Brian the phone.

“She sounds upset.” Rena said.

Brian took the phone frowning.

“Yeah.”

Rena watched as her brother’s face turned white. Her heart pounded. What the fuck now?!!!

“I’ll be right there.” He said then hung up the phone. He turned and headed for the bedroom. Rena followed.

“Justin, get up.” He gently shook him.

Justin groaned and turned over. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“What?” He asked groggily.

“We need to get to the hospital. There’s been an accident. “

“Clair’s dead.”

 

**********************************************

 

Brian paced the corridors of the hospital waiting for the doctor to come out.

Justin, Rena and Emmett were in the waiting room. Brian needed some space away from everyone to think.

When they had arrived, Joan was hysterical. Apparently, a drunk driver hit Clair from behind. She had the children in the car with her. She didn’t have her seatbelt on and was thrown from the car through the windshield. They said she died instantly.

Thank God neither of the boys were hurt too badly. Peter broke his arm, and Johnny needed some stitches in his head. Joan was with them now.

He called the boys father to let him know. Technically, he was the next of kin. He didn’t know much about him, other than he was always late and short on his child support payments. It was the only thing Clair ever told him about her ex, and only when she wanted money from him. Which he usually gave.

Other than that he only saw Pete senior a few times in his life. Once at the wedding, and a couple of times after that by accident. Pete divorced Clair around 5 years ago, the year Peter turned 9. He never really knew why, not that he cared, he was never close with them, but he did know that after the divorce, Joan took care of Clair and became very protective of her boys.

Now Pete would have custody of his boys. He cringed to think how Johnny was going to handle that. Peter deserved to be with his father as far as Brian was concerned, but Johnny was different. He was kind, and loving. He couldn’t imagine him going to live with a father who he probably didn’t even remember. As far as he knew, Pete hadn’t seen his kids since the divorce. He wondered if the boys would even recognize him.

But there was nothing he could do about it, Pete was their father. The boys would survive. He knew first hand how resilient children were, and he’d make sure to keep contact with them.

Joan walked up behind him and called his name, startling him from his thoughts.

“The boys are going to be released tonight. I need to take them home, then make arrangements for Clair’s’ funeral.” She said calmly.

The doctor’s had given her a sedative. She was going to have rough time the next few days, not to mention years. Losing a child had to be the worse thing ever. He felt her pain, having a son of his own, and another on the way. He couldn’t imagine losing them..

Thank God for Emmett he thought. How ironic that his friend and his mother formed such a close relationship. Joan had called Emmett right after she called Brian. Funny he thought, she didn’t call Pete. Well, at least she would have Emmett to help her through this difficult time. He knew she must not be thinking clearly.

“Mother, it’s ok. I called Pete. He’ll be here to get the kids. You don’t have to worry about them, and I’ll take care of all the arrangements for Clair. You need to take care of yourself.” Brian said sympathetically.

Joan’s eyes grew wide and her hand flew to her chest. Brian thought she was having a heart attack.

“Joan, what’s wrong!” He demanded.

“No… Please tell me ‘that’ man isn’t coming here. I won’t allow him to have my boys!” She said irrationally.

Brian sighed. She was losing it. He needed to calm her down, and have her see reason.

“Listen to me, there is nothing you can do. He is their father; he has legal rights to them. Unless he wants to give them up, which he didn’t indicate he wanted to do. In fact, he sounded very distraught and said he’d come right over to get his sons.” Brian tried to explain.

“My God Brian, do you know what you’ve done?” Joan asked a look of pure horror in her eyes.

Brian frowned and looked around for a doctor. Joan was in shock. She needed medical attention.

He saw a nurse pass and motioned to her.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything.” He said again in a calm voice.

The nurse walked over to them.

“Can I help you?” She asked.

“Yes, I’d like a doctor to look after my Mother, she’s just had a terrible….”

“Hello Joan.”

A voice came from behind him.

Joan looked over at the man, murder in her eyes. Brian saw it and recoiled from it. Something was very, very wrong here.

He turned to greet the man who addressed Joan. It was Pete. Brian recognized him. He hadn’t changed much over the years.

“Hi Pete. Thanks for coming so quickly. The boys are being treated. They’re fine. Peter has a broken arm, and Johnny a few stitches. They’ll be released tonight.” Brian said.

Pete nodded. He too recognized Clair’s brother.

His eyes reverted back to Joan’s.

“You’ll NOT touch those boys!” She sneered at him.

Brian was stunned at Joan’s hostility. He chalked it up to her grief.

“Don’t mind her, she’s obviously in shock, and very upset.” Brian tried to explain Joan’s odd behavior.

“They’re my boys Joan. I’ll do what I want with them.” Pete said in what Brian thought was very ominous tone.

“Over my dead body.” Joan said, in an equally ominous tone.

Brian had no fucking clue what was going on between the two but there was obviously some pretty bad blood between them.

“Listen Pete, maybe the boys can stay at Joan’s house tonight. They haven’t seen you in awhile. It’s going to be quite a shock for them. Perhaps you should give them time to adjust. For everyone to adjust.” Brian tried to reason.

Pete’s eyes turned hostile. “Stay out of this Bri. This is not your business. They’re my sons.” He said.

“I understand that, but right now, it’s best that they stay with Joan. They are use to being with her, they just lost their mother and it’s going to be a shock having to suddenly live with their dad.” Brian tried again.

He knew he should just shut the fuck up. It wasn’t his business. Pete was their father, but Brian didn’t like how badly Joan was reacting to him. Brian’s instincts were screaming that something was very wrong here.

Pete sneered at him. “I tried to be nice. Now I’m telling you. Stay the fuck out of my business fag.” He said.

Brian sighed. So that’s where Peter got it from.

Joan squared her shoulders and walked up to Pete.

“SMACK.” She slapped Pete across the face.

The two stood glaring at each other. Brian saw the red imprint of Joan’s hand on Pete’s face. The silence that followed was deafening.

“How dare you talk to my son like that? Especially after what YOU did to Peter.” Joan accused.

Brian’s face was stone. His body went rigid. He had a bad feeling about what Joan was implying.

He reached out and pulled Joan instinctively behind him and faced Pete.

“You got one shot to convince me I didn’t hear what I just heard.” Brian said in a tone that was more ominous then both Pete and Joan’s were earlier.

“She’s crazy.” He said.

“Peter remembers. Clair was too weak to deal with it and she didn’t want Peter to go through the ordeal a court trial would bring. I couldn’t do anything about it before, Clair threatened to move away if I did, and I’d never see my grandsons again. Ask him when he saw his son last? At least Clair had the good sense to refuse all visitation rights. The boys hadn’t seen their father in five years. Ask him why.” Joan said.

Brian’s mind couldn’t accept what he was hearing. Did Pete molest his own son? It explained a lot. A memory flashed in his head of the last time he tried to sneak money to Peter…

“What’s this a bribe fag?” Peter said to him.

He remembered at the time it being odd. Before then, Peter was only too happy to take Brian’s money. But then, when he turned nine, just about the time Clair divorced Pete, Peter turned bitter and nasty. He rejected Brian, avoiding him at all cost. He acted as if Brian were vile, and wanted to be far away from him.

Oh my God he thought. No wonder Peter distrusted him. He feared men. Especially Gay men. How could he not? His own father molested him…. His own father…. Brian’s mind was grabbling with the realization of what his nephew suffered.

He looked at the man standing before him and saw Emilian.

Rage, uncontrollable blind rage suddenly overtook him and he attacked Pete. The two men started fighting in the corridor. Joan jumped in and started hitting Pete on the head with her pocket book, cursing him the whole time.

Justin heard the commotion and Joan’s loud voice cursing and ran in search of them. He found the two of them attacking some guy. Justin didn’t know what was going on, but he wasn’t going to let anyone hurt Brian or Joan. He jumped into the fray.

Rena and Emmett were right on Justin’s heels. They had no idea what was going on, but Rena saw the look in her brother’s eyes and knew she had to stop him before he killed that man. She tried to pull him off of the guy with no results; Emmett was trying to pry Joan off the man as well with less success.

The hospital security was called and they pulled everyone off of Pete. It took two guards to hold Brian back.

“You bastard!” He literally spat on Pete.

“I’ll see you in hell before I let you take those boys!” He said.

Justin was frightened. He had no idea who Brian was talking to, or why Brian was so furious. But he did know, that whatever the reason, it must be bad.

Pete had the good sense to remain quiet. He didn’t want the whole hospital, especially the hospital security, to hear accusations of child molestation being thrown at him.

“Sir, do you want to press charges?” One of the guards asked Pete.

“Go ahead, press charges. You better hope I rot and die in jail, cause if I ever get out, you’re a fucking dead man.” Brian threatened.

Fuck, Justin was really scared now.

“Brian, please calm down.” He said.

“He’s not taking the boys.” Brian said firmly.

“Fine. For tonight, but I’ll be by the house in the morning with my lawyer.” Pete said then turned to leave.

The guards walked Pete out.

Brian was left standing in the corridor with a very confused blonde.

“What the fuck was that about?” Justin asked.

Brian turned to Joan, ignoring Justin’s question.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, anger seeping through his pores.

“I told you, I couldn’t. Clair made me swear not to. I couldn’t even tell Jack. She would have run Brian. You know your sister was always the weak one. May her soul rest in peace, but she was emotionally crippled most her adult life. I would have pursued it, but Peter refused to talk about it. I felt it best just to make sure that animal never got near the kids again.” Joan explained.

“He’s not going to get away with this. We’re bringing charges.” Brian said.

“Do you think that’s wise? Think of what it will do to Peter? I know you never really liked the boy, I don’t blame you, Peter distrusts men in general, but you can’t put him through that Brian. He’s never talked about it. Right or wrong, it was Clair’s choice to burry it.” Joan said.

Brian cursed. Joan was right. The best they could do now is to make sure Pete never saw his kids again, and that Peter got the help he so desperately needed. Fucking Clair. He knew he should be more compassionate. She was dead after all, but my God what a fucking mess she left behind.

He sighed deeply feeling sick to his stomach.

“Oh my God, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Justin asked.

Rena and Emmett both gasped in shock.

Brian confirmed their suspicious. “Pete molested Peter.” He said.

“Oh my God! Brian, we can’t let him near the boys!” Justin protested.

Justin agreed with Joan. Bringing charges would only hurt Peter. He doubted the boy has ever dealt with it. Another Kinney family secret Justin thought in disgust.

“Rena, call Adam.” Brian said then turned to Joan.

“We’ll sue for custody. I’ll make sure you become their legal guardian. I’m sure after today Pete won’t put up much of a fight. Actually, I doubt if we’ll ever see him again, but if we do, we’ll be ready.” Brian said determinedly.

Joan nodded her head, satisfied.

“Um, excuse me but I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” Emmett said.

Brian had forgotten he was there.

“What the fuck are you talking about Honeycutt?” Brian snapped.

Emmett walked over to Brian and took him by the arm. “In private please?” He asked leading Brian away.

Justin went over to Joan. “Come on, let’s get you back to the boys. I’m sure they’re ready to be released by now.” Justin said.

Rena followed Brian and Emmett.

“Oh no you don’t, I want to know what’s going on.” Rena said when Emmett tried to shoo her away.

“Fine. Brian, Joan’s not well enough to take on two boys. She has serious liver damage that she won’t tell you about.” Emmett said.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. Jesus Christ! He thought. Did it ever end?

He looked back up at Emmett. “I can’t think right now. Lets just get them home with Joan for now. We’ll talk about it after the funeral. There is still a lot of shit they all have to get through.” Brian said.

“Good idea. In the meantime, well see what Adam can do. Don’t worry Bean, we’ll figure it out.” Rena said.

“I’ll stay at the house with Joan and the kids until you come up with a solution.” Emmett said.

Brian smiled at him. “Thanks.” He said.

They went back to the waiting room. Joan, Justin and the boys were there. Brian looked over at Peter. His face was sullen, he looked more frightened then he’d ever seen him. His heart went out to the boy.

“Uncle Brian…” Johnny cried out and ran to him.

 

Brian hugged him tight and let the boy cry into his chest. He rubbed his back and spoke soothing words.

“Shhh…it’s ok Johnny. Grandma and I are here. I promise you, it’s going to be ok….” Brian said.

He looked over at Justin who had tears in his eyes. He was standing next to Peter and he could see Peter physically cringe away from him.

Brian motioned his head for Justin to move. Justin looked at him quizzically but moved away.

Brian continued to sooth the crying boy in his arms. Peter moved closer to Joan and Brian was glad to see Joan wrap her arms around the boy.

Yeah, this was going to be ok? He thought sarcastically.

How the fuck was he going to keep his promise to Johnny?…


	70. And Then There Were.....

“Forgive, sounds good.  
Forget, I'm not sure I could.  
They say time heals everything,  
But I'm still waiting…”

~I’m not ready to make nice – Dixie Chicks

 

“We’re not staying here Lizzy. Don’t even think about. I don’t have time for your shit.” Jagger said opening the bedroom window. The old wooden frame splintered burying a sliver under his fingernail.

He hissed in pain and sucked the blood from his finger as he threw their suitcases out onto the sidewalk.

Lizzy sighed. “Jag, where will we go?” She asked.

Though Lizzy was the older of the two, just turning 16, it was her 13-year-old brother who took up the reigns of parent when their mother died two weeks ago.

“I’ve got a friend in the East Village we can stay with for awhile. I can hustle some good money there and you can get a job.” Jag said turning to his sister.

“I can’t get a job. I don’t’ have working papers.” Lizzy reasoned.

She ignored the part about Jagger hustling. For the past year or so Jagger pretty much brought most of their money into the house. Their mother never asked where he got it, she was just grateful for the extra cash. Food stamps and welfare only went so far and she had a habit to support.

Jag snorted in frustration. “How the fuck did you live with our mother and still remain so fucking clueless?” He asked.

“I’ll get you a fake ID. Hell with some makeup, you’ll pass for 18, maybe 20 easy.” Jagger said.

Lizzy hated it when her brother mocked her. She was not stupid. They grew up with a mother who had a drug addiction. Lizzy was raised by a revolving door of friends, dealers and other users, just as Jagger was. They lived the same life, but gained different perspectives.

Lizzy believed there was a better way; Jagger believed that was as good as it got.

 

“This friend got a name?” Lizzy asked suspiciously. Jagger had too much of their mother in him. She didn’t trust the people he dealt with.

“What the fuck does it matter what his name is? Lets GO!” Jagger insisted.

Lizzy heard the fear in his voice. For all his bravado, Jagger was very, very frightened. When he got scared, Jagger got tough. He believed if he gave into his fears they would crush him, so he dealt with them by taking control of the situation. Which was exactly what he was doing now.

“We can go to Eliana’s. She’ll help us. She was always good to Mom, she’ll help us get settled somewhere better.” Lizzy offered.

“Oh yeah, I can’t image where we’d be with out her help.” Jagger sneered sarcastically.

“Where was she Liz? I didn’t’ see her in the court room last week when the fucking Judge sentenced us to life in foster homes!” He spat out.

“You heard the social worker, she was away on a personal leave. She’s probably back by now.” Lizzy said.

Eliana had been their social worker for the past several years. She was responsible for keeping them ‘out’ of foster care. She believed that Celia, their mother, was a good-hearted woman with a bad problem. Which was exactly how Lizzy viewed their mother. Jagger however, viewed their mother as a weak pathetic excuse for a human being. He was bitter, resentful and full of anger.

“All I know is she wasn’t at the funeral, she wasn’t at the hearing, and she ain’t here now. CC’s dead two fucking weeks now, and no word from her. Now, if you want to stay with the “Royal Tetenbaums” then go ahead. I’m getting the fuck out of here before that boy from Deliverance shows up.” Jagger said.

Lizzy looked around their dismal little room. She was at least grateful that the Judge didn’t separate them, they had found a family that would take both of them in but because of their age, and Jaggers record, they were placed with a family notorious for taking in wayward kids, just for the money.

Their new ‘home’ was an apartment in the projects, located in the worse part of the city. It had several bedrooms, all currently occupied with unwanted teens and one bathroom. The foster parents set the rules down the minute the social worker walked out.

“You get one bed, one meal and no extra’s.”

They had already missed the meal for today, they’d have to wait for tomorrow.

Lizzy knew they couldn’t stay there, but she didn’t trust where Jagger was taking them to be much better.

She rose from the bed and grabbed her worn coat. “I’m going to Eliana’s.” She said climbing out the window.

Jagger cursed a string of the foulest expletives that Lizzy ever heard. She smiled to herself. For all her brothers’ claims of not giving a shit for anyone but himself, he would not let her go to Eliana’s alone.

He followed her to the main highway and stood by her as she tried to hitch down a ride.

A blue van pulled up and they jumped in. Lizzy got in the front with the driver; Jagger sat in the back with three other passengers.

“Where to darlin?” The man said in a southern drawl.

Jagger was on high alert in the back. His hand instinctively went to the shank that was taped to his calf under his jeans. There were two boys, and a girl in the back with him. They all looked too stoned to be of any trouble, still he was cautious.

He heard Lizzy give the driver directions to Eliana’s house. Fucking great. They were just going to land in another foster home he thought.

Fucking Lizzy! He could not for the life of him understand why she held on to a fucking dream that was never going to come true. Since he was old enough to understand she’d been telling him they weren’t meant for this life. That someday, they were going to be loved and cared for and never have to worry about money.

She fervently maintained that a sandy haired young boy, who looked like James Dean, came to her every night in her dreams and promised her that she and jagger were going to have a better life one day.

Stupid prick that he was, believed it for a while. But years of watching CC, their mother, shoot their food money up her veins, and letting men use her just for a fix, taught him one thing. Dreams came in the form of a needle, bottle or pill. Not in the form of young men who looked like James Dean.

Jagger did NOT believe in dreams.

He leaned his head back against the back of the passenger seat and sighed.

Lizzy was a dreamer. She had grand illusions of ‘happily ever after’. If she wasn’t careful, those dreams were going to be the death of her. When was she going to realized that this was it for them? They didn’t need love, or money; which was a good thing since they certainly weren’t going to get either. All they really needed was to stay alive. To him, that was as good as it got. He believed that every day above ground was a good day.

And today, was a good day.

*****************************************************

 

“No. How many times do I have to say NO!” Brian yelled from behind his desk.

Justin made a face.

“He’s being stubborn, but he knows there is no other way. Go ahead with the petition Adam.” Justin said turning to Adam who was sitting in the matching Herman Miller chair next to him in Brian’s office.

Brian gave Justin an incredulous look. “Did I stutter? What the fuck??!!” He said.

Adam felt very uncomfortable being in the middle of their spat. They’d been going back and forth like this for the past ½ hour now. Adam could feel there was some underlying problem, apart from the situation at hand, that was fueling their argument.

“No you didn’t stutter, but you haven’t given an acceptable alternative either.” Justin challenged.

Brian threw his hands up in frustration.

“What about Deb? She’d love to take them in!” He said with a triumphant smile.

“Um, I hate to point this out, but Deb is not registered as a foster parent, so she can’t take them in. Not unless the father gives permission, and in this case, the father as you know, is MIA.” Adam explained cringing at the look Brian was giving him.

“Can’t she become a foster parent?” Brian asked.

“Of course, but that takes time, and in the meantime, the boys will be placed in a foster care, or juvi hall more likely since there is a severe shortage of foster families.” Adam said.

“Juvi hall! Did you hear that Brian. You know what goes on in places like that!” Justin said horrified at the thought.

“Oh please, stop being so fucking dramatic. That’s Emmett’s job. Juvi hall is a walk in the park! It’s not like living on the streets. I can tell you from experience THAT would be cruel. If you going to freak out about anything, freak out about that possibility.” Brian said.

“Fine. Adam, put them in Juvi Hall then.” Justin said.

“NO!” Brian instinctively said.

Justin threw him a satisfied smile.

Brian threw the pen he’d been twirling between his fingers onto his desk and shot Justin an annoyed look.

The two glared at each other. Justin was not about to give in on this. It had been two weeks since Clair’s funeral and they had to make a decision soon concerning the boy’s future.

Two weeks and he and Brian had been growing increasingly distant for some reason. Justin was at a lost as to why, though he knew it was more than just the current situation at hand.

The past few days especially had been tense. Brian was short with him, and restless. Justin tried to talk to him about it with no success. Instead of dealing with whatever was at the root of Brian’s ire, he channeled into a contest of wills with Justin over what was to be done with Clair’s boys. Though they both knew what they were going to do. The only thing they could do under the circumstance, but Brian needed to fight with Justin over something, and since he wasn’t willing to vent the true reason for his anger, he used the situation at hand as a venue for his frustration. Problem was, it was costing them time. Time the boys didn’t have.

They hadn’t been to school in the past two weeks; they’d been staying at Joans. Emmett was living with them and helping out. Rena had gotten Peter into therapy, and things were just starting to settle down. But the school’s been pressing Joan for a date when the boys would be returning and they needed to know for their records who the legal guardian was going to be. They mentioned calling in Social Services, knowing Joan’s history of alcohol abuse. That’s when Adam was called in.

Adam talked to the school administrators and told them that they were in the process of petitioning the courts to award custodial guardianship to a family member, but did not go into details on who said relative would be. The school was sympathetic, and agreed to be patient, but that patience was only going to buy them so much time.

Adam explained to Brian that because of Joan’s medical condition, the courts would most likely reject a petition from her. The boys were at that age where they needed a lot of attention and guidance. They were involved in school programs and sports. They would need a guardian who could handle the rigorous day-to-day tasks it took to raise two teenage boys, plus someone who was going to be around for a while.

Joans doctors said that because of Joan’s age, and the advance state of her liver disease, they could not say with any certainty she would live more than a few years. That news disturbed Brian more than he was willing to admit to. Justin knew that deep down; Brian had hopes that in time, he and his mother would reconcile. Sadly, time wasn’t a luxury afforded to them. If that reconciliation was ever to take place, it would have to be soon and knowing how stubborn both Brian and his mother was Justin wasn’t sure that would ever happen.

Justin wondered briefly if that was the cause for Brian’s emotional distance. It certainly could be, but instinct was telling him it was something else.

“Really Bri, I don’t see the problem. In a few months the boys will be able to move in with us. God knows we’ll have plenty of room! For now though they can stay with Joan, as long as you give permission. But you can’t give permission unless you gain custody. I really see no other way.” Justin tried reasoning. He was tired of fighting over a non-issue.

 

Brian had purchased their building and the closing was this week. Fortunately for them, the tenants all opted to be bought out. It cost them a lot, but they both felt strongly about utilizing the whole building for their own personal space.

Justin had already enlisted the aide of a contractor and was working on the new design. Brian loved it. The building was three stories high and each floor was 2500 square feet. That was the size of three mid size homes.

Justin designed the first floor to be the ‘living area.’ It would have a gourmet kitchen, separate dinning room, playroom, entertainment/living area, two bathrooms, a utility room, and a guest bedroom.

The second floor would be converted into sleeping quarters. It would host seven bedrooms, one for Gus, one with a small kitchen and master bath for the nanny, a nursery for the baby, three bathrooms and another entertainment room as well.

The third floor, their loft, would remain, their loft with some minor adjustments. Justin was expanding the bathroom to put in a Jacuzzi, and adding another small workspace for him. He’d be doing most his work at his school, which was schedule for renovations come summer. He also added an anteroom attached to their bedroom for the baby. They decided to keep the old fashioned caged elevator as a private entrance to their loft, though all floor would be accessible by stairs.

Once the remodeling of their building was complete, they’d have enough room to house six families. Room was certainly not an issue. The only issue was, Brian.

“Justin, in case you’ve forgotten, we have a baby on the way. How are we to handle two teenage boys, and a baby! For fuck sakes are you trying to emasculate me all together! This whole conversation is making my dick soft!” Brian fumed.

Justin narrowed his eyes. “Well, that would explain why you’ve been avoiding me lately.” He snapped.

Adam cringed. “Um, I hate to leave in the midst of what I’m sure is to be one hell of an interesting conversation, but I need to make a phone call.” He said and got up and left.

Brian leaned back in his chair and brought his fingers together under his chin.

“You complaining Sunshine?” He said in a seductively dangerous voice.

Justin had the good grace to blush. He just questioned Brian’s sexual prowess in front of Adam. And that was the WORSE thing anyone could do to Brian fucking Kinney. Especially his partner! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Could he have fucked up any bigger? One day, he WOULD learn to curb his impulsive tongue. One fucking day…..too late maybe…

“Bri.. “ He started then stopped. He turned his head and held his emotions in check.

Truth was, Brian had backed off a lot from Justin. The distance was not only emotional, it was sexual.

And that scared Justin. No matter what shit they were going through, sex was the one area where they always connected, and communicated. If Brian was angry, or sad, or whatever, he spoke it to Justin, in the bedroom room. Sometimes, it was the only way he could communicate with Justin, when the words wouldn’t come to him. Like when he was telling Justin to “stay” when Justin left him for Ethan. Justin had come a long way since then, today, he would hear that loud and clear. Brian knew that too, so why was Brian shutting him out completely?

Not only were they having sex less, Brian had stopped ‘communicating’ with him in the bedroom.

Justin was starting to feel very insecure, and was beginning to wonder if he had done something to anger Brian. Or maybe worse, that he wasn’t enough to satisfy Brian’s newfound zest for life and was out tricking again.

Brian was at the office more and more these days, and when he wasn’t, he was either at Rena’s or Joan’s checking up on the boys. Justin knew in his heart, Brian was avoiding him, he just didn’t know why.

“You have something to say Sunshine, say it.” Brian said, his eyes smoldering with an emotion Justin dared not discern.

Justin was tired of walking on eggshells around Brian.

“Are you tricking?” He blurted out.

“No.” The answer came with out hesitation.

Justin blinked. Not knowing whether to be happy or more worried over that confession. At least, if Brian were tricking, it would explain his distance in their bed. But if he wasn’t tricking, then what the fuck was the problem?

He threw his hands up. “What the fuck did I do?” He asked, agitation clear in his voice.

“I don’t know. What did you do?” Brian asked confused.

Justin sputtered. “You are so fucking insufferable sometimes! Just fucking tell me.” Justin said then stood up and faced Brian with his hands on his hips, looking much like a defiant warrior.

“Why are you not FUCKING me!” He demanded.

Brian’s eyes widened, then he started laughing.

Not a smart move, Justin picked up the discarded pen that Brian threw on his desk early and flung it at him.

Brian’s reflexes were sharp and he managed to avoid being hit by the sharp object.

“Whooaaa!” He said between gulps of laughter. He got up and walked around to where Justin stood.

“You’re such a twat sometimes, you know that?” Brian said grabbing Justin around the waist.

“I’ve been giving you a break! Since I got out of the hospital I’ve been riding you too hard. You’re behind in your schoolwork, you’re working day and night redesigning our home, and add to that, dealing with our current crisis. You’re exhausted. You need your rest.” Brian said.

“Bullshit!” Justin screamed.

Brian’s eyes narrowed in anger and he pulled Justin to him roughly.

“Fuck you. Have you any idea how fucking hard it is for me to not fuck you AND not trick? I’ve been TRYING to restrain myself so not to hurt you and this is the reaction I get?!! You ungrateful little twat! You want me to be an inconsiderate lover? FINE!” Brian’s fury spilled over and he whipped Justin around and bent him over the desk.

Justin gasped as the hard wood met with his lower stomach. He braced his hands against the polished surface as Brian pushed his pants down.

He hissed when he felt Brian’s teeth scratch against his neck.

“If you’re going to fuck me, make sure you do it right this time.” Justin said, heedless of the consequences he knew was about to come.

Brian sucked his breath in and stilled his body against Justin’s.

“I SWEAR to GOD Justin you better have a good reason for sprouting shit like that!” Brian threatened.

Justin turned his head to look at Brian. “I’m SICK of you just fucking me! You haven’t TALKED to me in weeks!” Justin said.

Brian looked into his lovers eyes and knew what Justin was saying. Brian hadn’t been communicating to Justin in the bedroom, but it was only because he didn’t want Justin to know how sexually frustrated he was. He knew if Justin knew, he’d insist on meeting Brian’s needs, and right now, Brian was more concerned with Justin’s needs.

Brian sighed and stepped back from Justin, pulling him up with him. He turned him around and lifted him up and sat him up upon the desk. Justin’s pants were still down around his knees.

Brian ran the back of his hand down the side of Justin’s face and held his gaze. Justin’s breath hissed as he stared into his lover’s eyes.

Finally, Brian was communicating with him.

He leaned forward and gently brushed his lips against Brian. Brian moaned and deepened the kiss, burying his tongued into Justin’s mouth, savoring the taste of him.

Brian knew he’d been tetchy with Justin lately. It was because he was frustrated. He wanted his boy bad, and often, but he didn’t want to hurt Justin. Brian had just come off of a ten-week rest; Justin had been emotionally and physically stressed out that whole time. Justin needed recuperating just as much as Brian did.

Brian should have known better though. Yes, Justin needed rest, but he needed him more. And that was exactly what Brian was going to give him now… more.

Brian ran his mouth down the side of Justin’s neck. He gently sucked on the juncture between his neck and shoulder, until Justin was squirming beneath him.

Brian then removed Justin’s shirt and started licking his way down his body. Justin leaned back, using his elbows as support as he watched Brian’s tongue play with his nipples, then lower, trailing down to his belly button where he dipped his tongue in several times, mimicking what he was about to do to him with his dick.

Brian slipped his hands beneath Justin’s ass and brought his hips up off of the desk. He then moved so that his mouth hovered just above the tip of Justin’s cock.

He looked up at his blonde.

“Tell me what I’m saying.” He said just before he took Justin into his mouth.

Justin gasped as Brian’s hot mouth engulfed him. Tiny blinding little lights exploded in his head. Brian was working his magic on him. Pulling him in, swirling his tongue around the base, then the tip, then all the way down again till he could feel his cock hitting the back of Brian’s throat.

Justin arched his back and let out a small guttural sound.

Brian tightened his lips and pulled up and over the tip of Justin’s cock, releasing it from his mouth. Justin groaned in protest and collapsed back against the desk.

“What am I saying?” Brian asked placing tiny kisses on Justin’s hipbone.

Justin moaned… “You want me.” He said throwing his arm over his forehead.

Brian climbed back up Justin’s body and kissed him on the mouth, slipping his finger in-between their lips as their tongues dueled.

Justin brought his hands around Brian’s back. The scratchy wool of the material from his suit reminded Justin just how vulnerable he was at the moment. Brian was still completely dressed in his expensive business suit while Justin was lying, half naked and exposed over his desk.

“What else?” He asked sliding his finger out of their mouths. He then moved his hand down and pressed his wet finger against Justin’s tight opening, his eyes never leaving Justin’s.

Justin held his gaze as he felt Brian’s finger press against him, teasing him. Justin instinctively pushed his hips upward, begging entry, but Brian denied him.

“Tell me first.” He said.

“You love me.” Justin said.

Brian rewarded him by pressing forward, gaining entry into Justin’s tightness.

Justin sucked his breath in and closed his eyes.

Brian worked his finger in and out of Justin, eliciting sweet little moans from his blonde.

He loved watching the myriad of emotions play over his boys face as he lost himself in the throes of passion. A passion, Brian knew with great satisfaction, only he could give him.

Brian leaned forward and nipped at Justin’s ear.

“Justin.” He whispered so softly Justin wasn’t sure he actually spoke the words, or not.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard. And when I’m done fucking you here, I’m going to take you home and fuck you…

“all….

“night….

“long…” Brian said, punctuating each word with a bite to a different part of Justin’s sensitive skin.

Justin lost it. He started bucking up against Brian’s fingers. Brian had managed to get three in by now.

Brian indulged him for a few minutes before withdrawing his fingers. He then stood up and made haste in dropping his pants and donning a condom. Once sheathed, he placed the tip of his cock against Justin’s now throbbing opening.

He grabbed Justin’s legs and pulled them up over his hips, positioning himself so that when he entered, he’d enter deep.

Justin grabbed onto his arms, digging his fingers into his jacket.

Their eyes locked, their breathing rhythmic, every nerve in their body alert, and waiting……..

Without warning, Brian thrust forward burying himself deep into Justin.

Justin threw his head back and screamed. Brian pulled halfway out before thrusting back in again.

“JUSTIN!” Brian growled out.

Justin opened his lust filled eyes and stared at Brian, his grip tightening around Brian’s forearms.

“What am I saying now?” He demanded.

Justin felt Brian’s cock throbbing deep inside of him. He felt the muscles in his forearm flex, his hands firm, holding his legs up, his torso, encased between his legs, he could smell Brian’s desire, he could feel his blood coursing through his veins, hear his heart beating…..

“I’m yours.” Justin hissed.

Brian smiled, satisfied with his answer and renewed his thrusts. Long, hard and fast.

Justin ‘heard’ Brian with every thrust, with every breath, with every touch of his hand. Justin heard Brian….

Justin locked his legs around Brian and pulled him down to him, kissing him hard on the mouth. Brian continued to pound his boy as if it was his very means of breathing.

He reached between them and grabbed onto Justin’s cock and started stroking it.

Justin bucked up against him as Brian pumped his cock.

I want you…  
I need you…

I love you….

 

Brian said with his body as spilled his seed into Justin.

Justin’s body reacted and he came all over Brian’s Gucci suit. Brian collapsed on top of Justin, spent and sweating.

Justin held on to him until he calmed.

After several minutes, Brian reluctantly lifted himself off of Justin. He looked down into his boys radiant face.

“How’s that for conversation?” He said with a sexy smile.

Justin rewarded him with one of his own million watt smiles.

“I say that’s the best fucking conversation we’ve had in a long time.” Justin responded.

Their playful after sex antic’s was disrupted by a knock on the door.

“Fuck.” Brian said standing up, pulling Justin with him.

He looked down at his suit.

“Great. You know this is not coming out.” He said removing his Jacket.

Justin finished dressing then took the Jacket away from Brian.

“That’s what you get for talking too much.” He said giving Brian a quick kiss.

The knock persisted.

“Come in.” Brian called out then went back to sit behind his desk.

Justin took his seat on the chair opposite the desk. The smile never leaving his face, his eyes never leaving Brian.

Adam walked in hating that he had to interrupt the two, though in fairness, he waited until the noise receded first. God they were loud!

“Sorry for the interruption, but Jesus everyone outside your office heard you two. I’m surprised no one said anything.” Adam said.

“It’s not like they haven’t heard it before.” Justin said impishly. Brian winked at him.

“Ok Adam. Go ahead and petition the court for custody. I’ll work something out with Joan. The boys need to know they’re wanted.” Brian said.

“I’ll file the papers tomorrow. Getting custody shouldn’t be a problem. However, that’s not my main concern right now.” Adam said.

Brian eyed him suspiciously. “What’s up?” He asked.

Adam turned to Justin. “That private dick I got for you just called. He found Brian’s cousin. Her name was Celia Catherine O’Hara.” Adam said.

Brian’s eyes shot to Justin. “You hired a P.I.?” He asked.

“I told you I was going to.” Justin said.

Brian grimace. Justin did tell him, the day after Joan told them Aidan had a daughter, but Brian was too caught up at the time with his physical therapy he totally forgot about it. He turned to Adam.

“That’s my mothers maidan name, O’Hara.” Brian said.

“Wait, what do you mean her name ‘was’ Celia Catherine O’Hara?” He asked.

“P.I. called said she died two weeks ago from an over dose of heroine. Apparently the poor woman had a very rough life.” Adam said.

Justin frowned and got up and walked over to Brian.

“I’m sorry Bri.’ He said placing his hand on his shoulders.

Brian shrugged. “It’s not like I knew her Sunshine. It makes no difference in our lives.” He said with a reassuring smile. He had an uncle, who had a daughter, who was his cousin. He didn’t know either of them. No loss to him.

“Actually, it kind of does affect your lives.” Adam said nervously.

Both Brian and Justin’s eyes shot to him.

“How?” Brian asked cautiously.

“Funny how fate works.” Adam said stalling. He knew Brian was NOT going to like this bit of news.

“Spill it Slatter.” Brian said, getting annoyed.

“Apparently, CC, that’s what she was called by her friends, and social worker Eliana, had two children. They were placed in foster homes but ran away to Eliana’s house. Our P.I. just happened to be at the social workers house looking for your cousin when the kids showed up. The courts didn’t’ know there were any living relatives. Eliana was so happy to hear CC had family. She’s going to contact you about the children. Seems’ you’re the only next of kin.” Adam said stepping back.

Brian’s face registered shock. His eyes narrowed and he turned to Justin.

Justin stepped back.

“Now Brian, don’t get upset. “ Justin said.

“Oh this is fucking precious. The ONLY next of kin! You just HAD to hire a PI didn’t you! “Brian, you have to find out what happened to her.”” Brian imitated Justin’s voice.

“Well, lucky us! We found out didn’t we! Now what???!!” Brian fumed.

Justin placed his hands on his hips. “If you want to blame someone, blame Andy!” Justin said shocking Brian.

“Andy! What the fuck does Andy have to do with this?” Brian asked incredulously.

“You were the one who told me he showed you a house full of kids while you were in your coma! Several he said, and trouble. Well looks like we got trouble!” Justin said.

Brian groaned and dropped his head down on his folded arms on the desk.

Justin went to him and rubbed his back.

“Is he going to be all right?” Adam asked.

“He’ll be fine. He just needs some aspirin, and a trip to Babylon is in order I think.” Justin said.

Adam shook his head and left the office.

He looked at Shane who was sitting at her desk outside the office. He had enough to deal with just one kid on the way.

His heart went out to Brian. He had joint custody of his son, another baby on the way, petitioning for custody of his two nephews, one of which had serious abuse issues and now two cousins whose mother was a drug addict, were about to land on his doorstep.

Adam shook his head. Life for the Taylor-Kinney household was about to get very interesting….


	71. Mecca and Mayhem

“He who submits to fate without complaint is wise”

~Euripides

 

“Thumpa, Thumpa, Thumpa…”

The ritualistic drumming pulsed through the sea of exotic creatures as they swayed in sexual rhythm to the hypnotic beat.

Strategically placed artificial lighting of blue and silver glided over sweat-coated skin, highlighting each flexing muscle in the crowd. Guttural groans of unrepressed desire echoed through the masses mimicking mating calls.

Here, hunter and quarry alike mingled on the dance floor reveling in their sexual freedom.

Babylon was a jungle where gay men congregated, prowled and preyed. It was their domain. It was wild, untamed and chaotic yet it was their utopia where each existed in synchronized harmony.

Justin mused on how Babylon and its inhabitants bore semblance to the Jungle. Everything from the cages the men danced in, to the catwalk above where the ‘hunters’ prowled encapsulated the wild kingdom. Even the men themselves took on various characteristics of wild animals.

Mostly they resembled benign creatures like monkeys, giraffes, and of course, the ‘boars’; ah but then there were the ‘Cats’.

The Cats ruled the Jungle. These were the Cheetahs’, Panthers, Jaguars and Lions. They prowled and hunted other animals such as the Gazelles’, which Justin would classify himself as. Sleek, fast and clever. All attributes needed to be one step ahead of the “Cat'.

But it was the Lion who ruled the Jungle, and of course, that “Lion” was currently holding court on the dance floor as his many admires surrounded him to pay him homage.

This was Brian’s Jungle and he was King here. He hadn’t been to his liar in a while and by the reception he was getting it was obvious he was very much missed.

Brian looked hotter than ever. Justin watched as his body moved seductively in time to the music; his arms raised up over his head, his head thrown back, eyes closed, heedless to the torment he was inflicted on the men dancing all around him.

There was no pain here, no troubles, and no sense of reality for Brian. It was his sanctuary.

Everyone had a place they went to when they wanted to break free from the stress of everyday life. For Justin, it was his art. A blank canvas became his refuge where he could create any world he wanted to. For Ben, it was his writing, for Emmett, designing, Michael, his comics, but for Brian, it was here, in his Jungle.

Babylon.

 

“God I fucking hate him. It’s just not fair. Ten fucking weeks in a coma and he comes out looking younger and more fucking gorgeous then ever. He’s a virtual walking orgasm!” Emmett said in typical “Em” dramatic style.

Michael laughed and shook his head. “Em, it’s just one of those unfair facts of life we all have to face. Brian Kinney will always be young, he will always be beautiful.” He said.

“I don’t envy you.” Michael added turning to Justin.

Justin smiled, his eyes trained on his lover. What Mikey didn’t understand was that Justin got as much joy at watching Brian drive men crazy as Brian did driving them crazy.

Brian was a dominant sexual being who thrived on the thrill of the hunt. Justin understood this. A big part of him felt a certain pride at Brian’s legendary sexual prowess.

Justin watched as Brian snared one unsuspecting trick after another, only to turn them lose once he had them in his grasp. He made only two trips into the backroom tonight. And each time it was with him.

Brian no longer had a taste for tricking, though the ‘hunter’ in him would always need to go out and ply his skills from time to time, and Justin was more than happy to let him do so. Especially since it was he who reaped the benefits of his lovers labor.

And the tricks were happy just to be near the “Stud” of Liberty Avenue. It was an honor. Whether Brian actually fucked them or not was irrelevant as long as they were “seen” with his Majesty. That alone could boost a tricks reputation big time. One dance with Brian fucking Kinney and suddenly, you gained the interest of those who wouldn’t give you a second glance before.

“I should hope not young man!” The professor said.

Michael cast a doey-eyed look upon his lover.

“Now why would I envy Justin when the man of my dreams is standing right here in front of me.” He said.

Ben smiled down at Michael and kissed him.

“What I meant, was I don’t envy Justin being married….”

“Incorporated.” Justin corrected Mikey.

Michael laughed. “Sorry, “incorporated” to a man whose every man’s AND woman’s fantasy. It must be hard living with an idol.” Michael explained.

“Try working for one.” Ted chimed in.

“The problem with said idol is the illusion is shattered once he speaks. That man has a vicious tongue.” Emmett said.

Justin eyed him suspiciously. Emmett had his plastic surgery done two weeks ago. The swelling was down, but he still wore a small bandage. The scar was barely visible now and the doctors said it would be completely gone in a few weeks. Emmett’s’ vanity however would not permit him to go out in public without the small covering to his face.

“Brian giving you a hard time Em?” Justin asked.

Emmett huffed in a very queenly fashion. “His Highness called me a coward! He said that Lucy’s boy Elliot was braver than I was. HE had to face a school full of cruel 5th graders while undergoing several massive facial reconstructive surgeries, and he did so without flinching, yet I didn’t have the balls to come to Babylon with a ‘little scratch’, as he calls it, on my face without covering it up.”

James laughed. Emmett glared at him.

“I don’t think its funny.” Emmett said.

“It is funny, and Brian is right.” James said then downed the shot of Vodka he was holding.

“I’m just following doctor’s orders! He said to keep it covered until he sees me next week. YOU just like me disfigured!” Emmett complained then turned to Michael.

“I swear to God the mans a sadist. He loves me scarred.” Emmett confessed.

“Hmmm…” James answered by grabbing Emmett by the waist and pulling him against his side.

That was about as affectionate as James got in public. In private though,,,well that was a different story.

Emmett bumped his hip against James unexpectedly throwing him off balance. The sudden movement caused James to bump into a kid that was standing at the bar next to them, trying to get a drink.

James turned to kid intending to apologize when the young lad started sputtering nervously.

“Um, oh, shit, I mean, sorry…I wasn’t watching where I was standing.” The kid stuttered.

James eyed the lad. He looked way too young to be in the club.

“Isn’t it past your bedtime?” James asked ominously.

Justin turned to see who James was talking to.

The boy was tall and lanky with mousy brown hair and a nose that was a tad too big for his face. His not so clear complexion, and his ungainly manner confirmed James accusation. This kid was not old enough to be here.

“Hi, I’m Justin. What’s your name?” Justin asked the boy.

The ‘boy’ in question looked dumbfounded. Justin suspected that he was the first guy to show him any attention all evening.

“Justin what are you doing?” Michael asked.

Ted took a drink of his seltzer and laughed. “Probably the same thing Brian did to him when he was just seventeen.” He quipped.

“Hey, I’m NOT seventeen! And my name is Jordan.” The boy in question protested.

“How old are you then?” Justin asked.

“I’m twenty one.” The boy lied unsuccessfully.

“Baby if that tell-tale blush you’re sporting wasn’t enough to give you away, that little quiver in your bottom lip would. You really need to practice more if you want people to believe your lies.” Emmett commented.

“Don’t encourage the boy.” James lightly scolded.

“I’m just passing on some age old wisdom.” Emmett teased.

“The operative word being “age old”. The kid doesn’t need fatherly advice from you grandpa Em.” Ted teased.

Emmett squealed in feigned outrage and playfully slapped Ted on the shoulder.

“Ok, so you’re not twenty one. How old are you?” Justin asked again.

“Um, ok, I’m twenty.” He said.

“There goes that lip again.” Emmett pronounced with a sly look.

James sighed.

“Want to try one more time?” Justin suggested.

“Nineteen?” The boy asked.

Everyone laughed.

“Jesus kid, ARE you seventeen?” Ted asked, not believing he actually nailed it the first time.

“No, I’m not. I’m eighteen ok!” The boy answered angrily.

“See, no quiver. He’s telling the truth.” Emmett said.

“First time here I assume.” Justin said.

The boy cast his eyes downward. “Are you going to have me thrown out?” He asked in a pitiful little voice.

“Don’t worry kid, you’re not the only minor here. Babylon is a Mecca for underage gay boys. Hell, I think most of us got laid for the first time here. Mikey, how old were you your first time here?” Ted asked.

“I was 17, Brian was 16. He got us fake ID’s.” Michael said.

“Nice role model you had there Mikey.” Emmett said sarcastically.

“I can’t imagine how he’s going to raise those kids! Baby how are you handling all this?” Emmett asked Justin changing the topic.

Brian and Justin told the guys about Brian being the only living relative to his cousins’ two teenage kids. A cousin he never knew even existed until a few weeks ago. They were just getting over the shock of Clair dying and Brian and Justin taking over custody of her boys. Now it seemed, they might have two new additions to their already growing family.

“It will be fine. Besides, Brian is great with young boys. I should know.” Justin said with a sly look.

“Yet another shinning example of Brian’s wonderful influence.” Emmett said cheekily.

They all laughed.

“Seriously though, Brian is great with kids. Regardless of what you think Em, Brian did a great job at raising Mikey.” Justin said smiling at Michael.

“I’ll attest to that.” Ben said grabbing Michael around the waist.

Michael laughed. “Yeah well, I have to agree. If it weren’t for him, I might still be in the closet. He always pushed me to be my true self. If that’s not good parenting, I don’t know what is.” Michael said.

“He does that with all of us. He never lets us settle, he always expects more from us. If it weren’t for him, I’d be still working at that cheesy restaurant singing opera to a bunch of overweight pretentious assholes.” Ted chimed in.

“I loved your singing.” Emmett said kissing Ted’s cheek.

Ted blushed.

“But you’re right. You weren’t meant for a life of singing for your supper. Brian saw more in you. Just like he saw more in me. He saw the “queen” in me and set her free baby! Wooooo!” Emmett twirled around demonstrating his queenly persona.

His actions prompted another round of laughter from the guys.

“And to think, most of that all happened here in Babylon.” Mikey mused.

“Does Brian know Sapperstien wants to sell Babylon to some developers who want to turn it into a mall?” He asked Justin.

Justin sighed. “Yeah, he knows. He wants to buy it.” Justin announced.

“That’s great!” Emmett said. “I can’t imagine a world with out places like Babylon for young men to come and be free from the condemnation of straight society! Every city should have a Babylon.” Emmett said passionately.

“Brian and I both agree, however, we simply can’t afford it. We sunk a lot of money into the Tremont house, which we’ve dubbed our new home, plus my school, and he’s expanding Kinnetik.” Justin informed the guys.

“Yeah, that’s strapping us big time. He wants to open another office in New York. Cynthia is going to relocate there and run it. She’s more than ready. It’s a smart move and will pay off big time in 3-5 years. But it’s going to be tight for a while getting it up and running. We’re maxed out on loans as it is.” Ted announced.

Justin knew all this. It wasn’t as if they were broke, far from it. Justin still had his trust fund from his grandfather, but Brian wouldn’t let him touch it. They agreed it was for their children’s future. Justin wanted to get his school up and running fast so it could start generating some income. They would be fine financially, even with the new additions to their family, but they really couldn’t stretch themselves that thin by buying Babylon. Justin wished he could find a way to keep it for Brian tough.

“Has he talked to Rena?” James asked.

Rena had more than enough money to buy Babylon, but Brian would never ask her. He felt she was his responsibility, not the other way around. There was no way he would ask her for money.

He shot James a look that conveyed his thoughts.

“We have to do something, we can’t lose Babylon.” Michael said surprising them all.

“Why Mikey, I didn’t think it’d matter so much to you. I mean with you and Ben being all domesticated now. Babylon is just a sweet memory for you.” Emmett said.

“Maybe, but at one time, it DID matter. And it matters today to other young gay men. “ Michael said.

“I’ll never forget that first night Brian took me here. I was scared shitless. I remember the shock I felt when I first walked through those doors. Seeing hordes of young hot men, dancing with each other, making out with each other, in public no less! I thought I died and gone to heaven I was that blown over. Brian took it all in stride of course. In typical Kinney fashion he adopted his “They’re lucky to have me” attitude. I remember he wore these really tight black leather pants. Just like the ones Rena got him for Christmas.” Michael said.

“I fucking love those pants! Brian makes me wear them all the time. They are so hot.” Justin said smiling.

“Well they work that’s for sure. Brian spent most of his first night here in the back room.” Mikey said.

“Wow, his first night? This is my first night and you guys are the only ones who bothered to even talk to me!” Jordan said reminding the guys he was still there.

“And only because James bumped into you.” Ted said annoyed.

Jordan’s face dropped.

Justin shot him a look. “I’m sure there are plenty of guys here checking you out. They’re probably just shy, that’s all.” Justin said.

Jordan sighed. “Hey, I’m not stupid, or blind. I mean, look at these guys! They all look so hot with great bodies. Why would anyone look twice at me? I’m too skinny and not very attractive. I know that.” Jordan looked over towards Brain and sighed dreamily.

The men chuckled catching the object of Jordan’s yearning gaze.

“That guy is the most fucking awesome dude I’ve ever seen. Is he a movie star or something?” Jordan asked.

“Or something.” Emmett scoffed under his breath.

“ What I wouldn’t give just to dance with him….” Jordan spoke his thoughts out loud. He turned to the guys and blushed when he realized what he said.

“That’s Brian Kinney, and honey, his dance card is full. You should aim a little lower your first time out baby. How about that guy?” Emmett said pointing over to a young man with blonde hair and big shoulders.

“He’s hot.” Emmett declared.

Jordan shrugged. “Yeah, but why would he want me?” Jordan said.

Emmett pressed his lips together. He was about to give Jordan his “you’ve got a lot to offer” speech that he normally gives Ted, but decided against it. The boy was right. Most these arrogant assholes wouldn’t give a sweet kid like Jordan the time of day. He should know. When he first came to Babylon they treated him the same way. It wasn’t until Brian showed an interest in him that other guys started taking notice.

He tilted his head and looked at Justin.

“Yeah, I’m thinking the same thing.” Justin said.

“Wait here.” He told Jordan and went off to get Brian.

“Where’s he going?” Jordan asked.

“He’s going to ask that guy you’re drooling over if he wants to dance with you.” Emmett said.

Jordan’s face went white. “Oh no he can’t! He’ll just laugh in his face!” Jordan said in a panicked voice.

“Don’t worry twink, Justin can handle Brian.” Michael said.

“What’s a twink?” Jordan asked.

“A twink baby is what we older guys call sweet little things like you.” Emmett said throwing his arm around the boy.

“You know Michael is right.” Ben said.

Ted, Emmett, James and Michael turned to look at him.

“About what?” Michael asked.

“We should not let Babylon go. We should buy it.” He said shocking them all.

“I think that’s a marvelous idea! But how can we afford it?” Emmett asked.

“If we all pool our funds together, with Brian and Justin’s, we could become the owners. This way, kids like Jordan here, will always have a place to come to and know they are not alone.” Ben said.

“Oh my God you’re right! We have some money saved up, how about you Ted?” Michael turned to Ted.

“Sure, I got some money. I think this would be a great investment, provided we put Brian in charge. Let’s face it, no one can run this place but him. It is for all intended purposes, his place.” Ted announced.

They all agreed.

“Ohhhhh! I got a little money saved, I want in too!” Emmett said.

“Then it’s settled. We’ll talk to Brian and Justin about it tomorrow, at the diner.” Ben said.

“I don’t know what the owner wants for this place, but if you fall short, I’d be honored if you allow me to become a partner as well. I came out for the first time here at Babylon. It will always be a special place for me. It’s where I met my Em.” James said.

Emmett gushed and fanned himself frantically with his hands.

“Oh James, that is the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me!” He said and threw his arms around James.

James stiffened, but let Emmett hug him. James never showed affection in public, but this was Babylon after all. If not here, where?

*******************************

 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Fuck off.” Justin told the guy dancing with Brian.

The dark haired, buffed man quickly danced away. Everyone knew when Kinney’s twink came calling; it was best to get out of his way, and fast.

“What’s up Sunshine? Want to go home?” Brian asked wrapping his arms around Justin’s neck.

Justin smiled up at him. “No, you’re having a good time. I’m not ready to go home. But there is something I’d like you to do for me.” Justin asked.

Brian pulled Justin up against him and grinded his cock against his.

“How thoughtless of me. It’s been at least an hour since we’ve been to the back room. Let’s go.” Brian said then started pulling Justin towards the backroom.

“No Bri, wait. That’s not what I want.” Justin said.

Brian turned shocked eyes to his lover.

“Excuse me? I KNOW I just didn’t hear you say you didn’t want to fuck me.” He said tongue in cheek.

Justin laughed. “Listen to me for a second ok? See that kid standing over by Emmett?” Justin said pointing to the guys at the bar.

Brian looked over and furrowed his brow.

“That skinny boy with the big nose?” Brian asked.

“Yeah. I want you to dance with him.” Justin said.

Brian made a face. “You’re kidding, right? Why the fuck would I want to dance with him!” Brian asked sincerely.

“Because it’s his first time here and no one will give him the time of day. If you dance with him, other guys will take an interest.” Justin explained, as if he needed to.

Brian snorted. “You know I don’t do pity fucks, or dances for that matter. Kids gotta learn the hard way that life ain’t fair.” Brian said.

“Brian! I can’t believe you’re being so mean. You’d be doing the kid a favor! You did the same thing for Emmett.” Justin rationalized.

“Bullshit. I took Emmett home because he was fuckable. Period. I may not trick anymore, but I’m still very discriminative of who I pursue. I’ve told more guys then I can count to fuck off tonight. It’s my hunt, I chose my prey and that kid is just that. A kid. I’m not wasting my time.” Brian said definitively.

Justin was about to argue his point but the decided against it. He gave Brian one of his million watt smiles and pulled him down for a kiss.

“You’re right. It was just an idea. You’d probably scare the shit out of him anyway.” He said.

Brian gave Justin a dubious look. His blonde was up to something. He was giving up way too easily.

Justin turned and headed back to the bar.

There was more than one way to skin a “Cat” he thought….

 

 

“Well?” Emmett asked anxiously when Justin returned to the Bar.

“I was going to ask him to dance with Jordan, but decided I’d like to dance with Jordan myself.” Justin said.

Ted spit the soda he was drinking out. “Are you fucking serious?” He asked.

“Jesus Justin, what are you up to?” Michael chimed in.

Justin ignored them and turned to Jordan. “Jordan, would you like to dance with me?” He asked.

Jordan smiled widely at Justin. The kid had a great smile. It brightened up his whole face.

“I’d love to!” He said eagerly.

Justin grabbed his hand and pulled him to the middle of the dance floor.

 

 

Brian watched Justin grab the boy and lead him on to the dance floor with a wary eye. What was his blonde up to he wondered.

Justin started swaying to the music, moving closer to the kid with each seductive beat. The kid was obviously loving the attention. Justin then reached out and grabbed the kid by his waist and pulled him towards him.

Brian lost it. That fucking little twat! Ok, so he wasn’t being reasonable. All night he danced and preyed on every hot fuckable piece of ass here tonight but he didn’t fuck any of them! Justin grinding against that kid was as close to fucking as Justin got! HE didn’t do things like that, Brian did!

Brian stalked over to them.

“Hey.” Brian said to the boy.

Jordan turned terrified eyes to the gorgeous man standing behind him.

“Um, hey?” He said nervously.

“I’d appreciate it if you’d keep your dick away from my partner’s.” Brian said ominously.

They were starting to draw some stares. Justin smiled to himself. Perfect. He and Brian fighting over some twink. That should gain Jordan some points. Brian fucking Kinney jealous over some skinny kid? Oh yeah, Jordan was certainly going to gain some attention for this. If he could make the King jealous, he was certainly worth taking a second look at.

“Yo..urr’ee Whaaat?” Jordan stuttered.

“My Partner.” Brian said through clenched teeth.

“Brian, this is Jordan. He’s hot, isn’t he?” Justin pushed.

Brian shot Justin a warning look. “You think he’s hot?” He asked.

“Sure. He’s eighteen. Probably a virgin. We can change that. I mean if we don’t, I’m sure someone else would love to.” Justin said.

Brian’s eyes narrowed. He knew what Justin was getting at.

Jordan thought he was going to faint.

“Um, now, wait a minute. I um, I don’t think…” Jordan rambled.

“Don’t worry Jordan. Brian will take very good care of you, just like he did with me. You see, when I first came to Babylon I had no clue as to what I was doing. I could have ended up with some real bad guy, I was so fucking clueless, God knows what could have happened to me. But then Brian saw me and took me home. I was lucky.” Justin said, his eyes never leaving Brian’s.

Brian sighed. “FINE.” He said and grabbed Jordan by the hand.

Jordan followed like a deer caught in the headlights. Brian pulled him to the middle of the dance floor and started dancing with him.

 

Justin returned to the bar with a satisfied smirk on his face.

“You know he’s going to make you pay for that, don’t you?” Michael said.

“Yeah, I know, but look. It’s worth it.” Justin said nodding his head towards the dance floor.

Brian was dancing and talking intensely to Jordan. Everyone around them was watching, and, as Justin predicted, giving Jordan a much appreciative second glance.

“What’s he saying to him? He looks very serious.” James asked.

“He’s giving him the “speech”. Emmett said.

“You call it the speech? I always called it the lecture.” Ted countered.

“For me it was more like rules.” Justin said.

“Ah, I’ve heard of Brian’s famous lectures.” Ben said.

“I only wish someone gave me the “lecture” before.” He said solemnly.

Michael grabbed his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“So what is this speech, or lecture?” James asked.

“NEVER fuck with out a condom.” Emmett said.

“NEVER take drugs from strangers.” Ted said.

“Always trust your gut instinct. If you feel the least bit uncomfortable with a guy, leave, immediately.” Justin added.

“Oh, and don’t forget, only trust your friends, but choose your friends wisely.” Emmett concluded.

“Hmmm. Nice speech. And you think he’s going to have problems raising teenage boys?” James said to Emmett.

Emmett sighed. “No, he won’t. He’s going to make a great father.” He said.

Justin beamed, but remained silent. He never doubted Brian’s ability to be a great parent. He not only raised Mikey, he raised him as well. No kid could ask for a better role model.

Brian returned to the Bar with Jordan in tow. The kid looked shell shock.

Justin handed his beer to him. “You did good kid.” He said.

Jordan took the bottle with shaky hands.

“Hey, want to dance?” The blond guy with the big shoulders Emmett pointed out earlier came up behind Jordan.

Jordan ignored him, not realizing he was talking to him.

“Stud, the man asked you if you wanted to dance.” Brian said nudging Jordan.

Jordan choked on his beer and turned to face the guy.

“Um, sure.” He said.

Justin took the beer from his hand and pushed him toward his new admirer.

The two of them walked off to the dance floor.

Brian turned to Justin.

“Happy?” He said raising his eyebrow.

“Always when I’m with you.” Justin crooned and snuggled up to Brian.

“Nice try Sunshine, but you are sooo going to owe me for this.” He said grabbing his blonde around the waist.

His cell phone rang.

Brian took it out and looked at the number. It was Adam.

“Hey, this better be good.” He said answering it.

“Well, I wouldn’t call it good. I got a call from that social worker, Eliana. Jagger, your little cousin, got himself arrested. They threw him in Juvi hall. I can get him out, but only if they have someone to release him to. They’ll only release him to a relative, and guess what? That’s you.” Adam said.

“Mother fucker!” Brian screeched into the phone.

“What’s wrong?” Justin asked placing his hand on Brian’s arm.

“My newfound cousin is in jail.” Brian said.

“What the fuck did he do?” Brian spoke into the cell.

“Got caught soliciting an undercover cop for sex, and he had pot on him.” Adam said.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose. Justin knew that move, this wasn’t good.

“Where?” Brian asked.

“New York. I can get us a flight in the morning. There’s nothing we can do tonight. He’s going to have to spend a night in Juvi.” Adam said.

“Book it. Call me with the details later.” Brian said then shut his cell.

Justin saw the look in Brian’s eyes and grew alarmed.

“What happened?” Justin asked.

“Jagger, my dear little THIRTEEN year old cousin, got caught prostituting. OH, and he had drugs on him too. He’s THIRTEEN!” Brian yelled at Justin, as if it were Justin’s fault.

“Ok, calm down. The kid had a rough life Bri. You know his mother was a junkie.” Justin said.

“And I should care, why?” Brian asked sarcastically.

The guys wisely moved away from the arguing couple sensing the storm that was brewing.

Brian turned to the bar and ordered a shot of Beam.

“That’s not going to help anything.” Justin said.

“Oh yes it will. It will help me forget why the fuck I ever let you talk me into hiring that P.I. to begin with!” Brian said downing the dark harsh liquid.

“Fine. Then leave him in jail. Fuck him. Give him back to the state, but DON’T you fucking DARE blame me! You do have a choice Brian.” Justin reminded him.

Brian cursed and ordered another drink.

“Yeah, well here’s my choice. Tomorrow morning you and I are going to bail that demon child out of jail, then sign him over to the state. Him and his sister, who probably is just as much trouble as he is. Then we are coming home to raise our OWN kids. Peter and Johnny may be my wards now, but they can live with Joan. I’ll hire someone to help if it comes to it, but I’m DONE taking in other people’s kids. Related or not!” Brian said in all finality.

Justin remained silent. He knew Brian was venting. He certainly was entitled. But Justin also knew Brian too well to think he’d ever walk away from a young kid in trouble.

It wasn’t in his nature. When it came to kids, especially young boys, Brian had a soft spot. He still was mourning the lost boy inside of him. He would never let something bad happen to another kid if he could help it.

Brian could not save himself, or Andy, but if given the opportunity, he would move mountains to help a young boy in need. He was doing it with Peter, no matter what shit he was sprouting, and he would do it with Jagger.

Justin turned to bar and order a shot of Beam for himself.

It was going to be one hell of a long night………


	72. Cross Roads

“The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion”

~ Albert Einstein

 

 

Cross Roads Juvenile Detention Center - Where bad kids went to get worse.

Brian shook his head at absurdity of it all. What were the odds that he’d be standing in this same holding room, looking at the same puke green block walls some 17 years later?

His stomach churned as memories of that time came crashing in on him. He was 15 strung out and living on the streets. He cursed remembering how he had fucked up by overdosing one night, which consequently landed him here, in Cross Roads.

He was usually very careful, but that night he slipped and it cost him, big time.

The doctors at the emergency room thought it was an attempted suicide but they couldn’t have been more wrong.

What he told Justin when he came out of his coma was the truth.

Death was easy, living was hard.

His drugging, drinking and hooking were all forms of self-flagellation, starting at the ripe old age of thirteen. Same age as Jagger. He was so guilt ridden over what happened to Andy and Rena that he felt the need to punish himself. Many times he yearned for death, the pain was that great, and then he’d remind himself that he didn’t deserve to die. He deserved to suffer.

Abusing himself to the point of almost dying, then bringing himself back before he actually completed the feat was an art form Brian had perfected. He was proud of his skill until that one fateful night when he screwed up. The trip to the emergency room was nothing in itself, it was the shit load of drugs the cops found on him that got him tossed into Cross Roads.

He got one phone call and he used it wisely. He called Vic.

Vic came but couldn’t get him out, which was fine by Brian. The alternative was to have Jack bail him out. As far as Brian was concerned, that wasn’t an option, but Vic had promised him that if he called Jack to bail him out, Brian could live with him and Deb.

Looking back it was a pivotal turning point in his life

Brian agreed, and Vic was true to his word. He lived with the Novotneys for almost two years, finishing high school, before he moved out and went to college.

During that time, Deb and Vic convinced Brian to “get off the cross” as Vic put it. He said someone needed the wood.

Vic was right. It was either get it over with all ready, or move on. Brian chose to move on. In his way.

“Jesus this place is awful.” Justin said breaking into Brian’s thoughts.

“You could say that.” Brian said without emotion. He vividly remembered exactly how awful this place was. He felt a twinge of sympathy for Jagger having to spend a night here.

 

Justin looked over at Brian suspiciously. Brian had very little to say since they arrived.

Brian had told him on the flight over about his stint at Cross Roads. He knew being here again after all this time must be causing havoc on Brian’s emotions.

Justin mused how cruelly ironic it was that Jagger would get thrown into the same detention center Brian did 17 years earlier.

“Stop pacing. I’m fine.” Brian said reading Justin’s body language. The boy was always too worried about him.

“I know you’re fine. I’m just wondering what’s taking so long?” Justin asked, trying to hide his concern from Brian, knowing it was futile. Brian was always on to him.

Brian pulled a rickety chair away from the scarred wooden table that sat in the middle of the dank room and sat down.

“Paperwork.” He said running his hands through his hair and letting out a long breath.

Justin frowned. Fuck, Brian was anything but fine. Just as Brian was always on to him, he was always on to Brian. Brian was repressing some pretty strong emotions right now and Justin had no idea how to deal with him. This was an area in Brian’s mind that was still closed off to him.

Though they had talked about his past, and his time on the streets, Brian never went into detail. He kept those memories locked up. He never shared them with anyone, not Rena, nor Mikey. Justin never pressured him to talk about it. He knew better. Brian would talk about it when, and if, he was ready.

As it was, he never told Justin the details about the night Andy died. Even Rena didn’t know. She walked in on the end. Justin wondered what happens in those moments before Brian freed his brother from his suffering. What was said between the two brothers? What were Andy’s last words? What was Brian feeling?

There would always be memories that were just too agonizing for Brian to reveal. Like the pain and guilt he felt over losing both his brother and sister at such a young age, and under such gruesome circumstances. Pain that was so excruciating it sent him on a path of self-destruction.

He shuddered to think what other horror’s Brian experienced while living on the streets that had landed him in this place.

 

A guard suddenly entered the room startling Justin.

“Social worker is here with the kids sister. She’s asking to see you.” He informed them.

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “Fine.” He said. Might as well get it over with he thought. Better they know now that he intended to sign them back over to the state relinquishing all his rights, and responsibilities. He was just here to get the kid out of juvi, and then he would be the ward of the state again. They would have to place them in another foster home. If the kid got locked up again, it wouldn’t be Brian’s problem.

The guard turned his head and yelled gruffly. “Come on in.”

A young girl burst through the door, brushing aside the guard in her haste.

 

Her tumultuous entrance jarred Brian a bit. The girl radiated a nervous energy that was tangible. She was visibly breathless and disheveled. Brian raised an eyebrow at her. For someone so slight of form, and soft in features, she had huge presence.

She was a pretty girl of average height, standing maybe 5’5” with long blonde hair and skinny legs. Her features were soft yet incongruous with her intense, stark blue eyes that were currently glazed over with panic.

Brian got up and moved to stand by Justin.

She frantically looked back and forth from Brian to Justin before fixing her gaze on Brian.

Brian stiffened at what he saw in the depths of her stare.

She recognized him. But how could that be? He never met this girl before in his life, yet she was looking at him as if she ‘knew’ him.

Then suddenly, the panic in her eyes vanished only to be replaced by another emotion. One more disconcerting. A look ‘he’ recognized. It was the same look Justin often cast upon him.

Complete trust.

“Cousin Brian!” She cried out and ran into his arms.

Brian instinctively opened his arms to receive her.

“Oh cousin Brian I KNEW you would come!” She said sobbing into his chest.

Brian looked up over the girl’s head to the woman standing behind her.

“As you can see, we’re very glad you’re here Mr. Kinney. I’m Eliana Banks, the children’s social worker, and this is Ms. Lizzy O’Hara. You’re cousin.” Eliana said.

Brian held on to the girl as she cried into his Prada jacket and rubbed her back soothingly. When her tears subsided a bit, he gently pulled her away from him and looked down into her wide, watery eyes.

His heart clenched and in that instant, he knew he was fucked.

He sighed and looked over at Justin who was watching him with a satisfied smile playing on his lips. Great. Two fucking blondes in his life now to torture him he thought. At this point though he knew better than to fight it.

“I’m sorry cousin Brian, I didn’t mean to ruin your suit.” Lizzy said as she tried to dry the wet spot on Brian’s jacket with her sleeve.

Brian gently grabbed her wrist to stop her attempts. She was just making it worse. How the fuck did she know he was so particular about his clothes?

“Lizzy? Is that short for Elizabeth?” He asked.

Lizzy let out a small laugh that was so fucking charming, Brian mentally cringed. God he was in trouble.

“No, it’s for Thin Lizzy, the band. Our mother was very much into old rock bands. Jagger is named after Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones.” She explained.

“Ah, how… creative.” Brian said at a loss to say anything else.

“Cousin Brian please don’t be mad at Jagger!” Lizzy’s eyes suddenly grew panicked again.

“Shh… I’m not mad at anyone Lizzy. We have our lawyer working on getting him released. Everything will be fine.” Brian tried to reassure the girl.

“I just spoke to the Supervisor on duty, there was a bit of a confrontation, but it’s settled now. He should be here shortly.” Eliana offered.

Brian narrowed his eyes. Confrontation. He could just imagine. He turned his attention back to Lizzy.

“I’d like you to meet my partner Lizzy.” Brian said holding his hand out to Justin.

Justin came forward and took Brian’s hand. Lizzy noticed the two men were wearing matching bracelets.

“Lizzy, this is Justin. Justin, this, apparently, is my cousin Lizzy.” He said making the introductions.

Justin smiled his million-watt smile at the girl and opened his arms to her. She smiled back almost just as brilliantly Brian noted and rushed into them.

“Does this mean you’re my cousin too?” She asked squeezing Justin tight.

Justin laughed. “Yes, that is exactly what it means.” He answered.

Lizzy squealed in delight.

She squeezed him one more time then drew back and took both Justin and Brian’s hands into her own.

“Finally, family.” She said quietly looking up reverently at both men.

Brian shook his head.

“Lizzy, how did you know it was me when you first walked in? I saw instant recognition in your eyes and as far as I know, we’ve never met.” Brian asked the girl breaking the spell.

Lizzy looked at him and tilted her head.

“I gather you haven’t met Jagger yet, have you?” She said.

Brian gave her a confused look. What did that have to do with anything?

Just when he was about to voice that question, there was a loud commotion at the door.

“I said get your filthy fucking hands off or me!” The young boy snarled at the guard and pulled away from him with such force he stumbled forward, landing on his hands and knees right in front of Brian.

The kid looked back at the offending guard and cursed.

“Cock sucker.” He said.

The guard in question laughed. “Well you’re in the perfect position for that.” He said then looked up at Brian.

“There is some paper work for you to sign at the front desk then the little prick is all yours.” He said then left before Brian could respond.

The guard that escorted Eliana and Lizzy in just shrugged and followed the other guard out.

Brian looked down at the boy at his feet and froze.

“Oh….MY….GOD!” Justin said in a shocked voice that echoed Brian’s thoughts.

“Brian he looks exactly like….”

“Me.” Brian finished the sentence for Justin.

The gangly boy with the auburn hair and hazel eyes was the exact image of Brian at that age. Justin saw the uncanny resemblance from the picture Brian had of he, Rena and Andy when they were kids.

The boy stood up and faced this ‘older’ version of himself and snorted caustically not knowing what the two men were gawking at.

“What the fuck? It’s just a little blood.” He said wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

It was then that both Justin and Brian saw the swollen lip.

Brian’s eyes grew dark. “Who did that to you?” He said.

The boy laughed. “And you care, why?” He said.

Justin sucked his breath in.

“Ok, this is just tooo fucking weird!” He said.

Brian quirked his eyebrow up.

“I’ll ask you one more time. Who did that to you?” He repeated with out flinching.

The boy looked at Lizzy. “Please don’t tell me this asshole is our cousin!” He said.

“Jagger knock it off! He just saved your ass, the least you can do is be civil!” She said.

Jagger cursed again.

The kid had a filthy mouth.

“Ok, everyone OUT!” Brian roared.

Justin grabbed Lizzy by the hand and headed towards the door.

“Wait, I just can’t leave him!” Lizzy tried to pull away.

Justin turned to his newly found cousin with sympathetic eyes. “Lizzy, you’re just going to have to trust Brian now.” He said.

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded her head and followed Justin out.

“I’ll assume then that you’re taking the children with you?” Eliana, the children’s social worker asked.

Brian threw her an ominous look. “For now.” He said.

She smiled and left the room, leaving Brian alone with his new ward.

Jagger faced Brian, arms folded across his chest and glared at him.

Brian circled the boy slowly as if inspecting him.

Jagger gave Brian a deathly look.

“Don’t even think it.” He said ominously.

“What are you on, and how did you get it?” Brian asked when he finally came face to face with the boy again.

“Why, you want some?” Jagger said with a smirk that was all too familiar.

“If I did, who would I have to blow? The same guard you did?” Brian asked.

That shook the kid a bit Brian noticed with his own satisfied smirk.

“Well, at least we’re clear on that.” Brian said.

“So why the swollen lip? Deal gone bad?” Brian asked.

“You tell me, seems you got some personal knowledge on how things operate.” Jagger shot back.

“If I were to guess, I’d say it’s because you spit his cum in his face as a bit of revenge since you’re obviously straight and hate having to suck cock to get your fix.” Brian candidly, and brutally summarized.

Jaggers’ face went white. NO one had ever spoken so honestly, and with such insight to him before in his life.

“Who the fuck are you?” He asked bewildered.

“Someone who’s been exactly where you are.” Brian answered.

“So what’s your poison?” Brian asked.

Jagger shrugged. “Mostly black beauties.” He answered just as honestly.

Brian nodded. It was not surprising. Those little babies could make you forget your own fucking name. Seems like his little cousin had a lot he wanted to forget.

“And how long?” Brian pressed.

“Long enough to know I don’t want to go too long with out them.” Jagger replied honestly.

Brian nodded again in understanding.

“And what about Lizzy?” Brian asked.

Jaggers drugged induced eyes grew dark. “YOU stay the fuck away from Lizzy or I’ll cut your fucking balls off!” He said a little too bravely to be believable. The boy was scared shitless. But not for himself, for his sister.

Brian smiled. And there it was. Leverage.

“Unfortunately, that’s not an option. I’m taking Lizzy back home with me. She’s my responsibility now.” Brian said.

“Over my dead body! Lizzy is my responsibility!” Jagger said through clenched teeth.

“Yes, I see how well you are taking care of her. Perhaps I should leave her with you. But tell me. What do you think will happen to her the next time you land in jail? Do you trust whatever foster family she’s with to take care of her? Or maybe you intend to put her on the streets with you, teaching her how to take care of herself, just like you take care of yourself.” Brian goaded.

“Fuck YOU!” Jagger spat at him.

Brian leaned forward and glared into Jaggers eyes.

“No, FUCK YOU! You little selfish prick. It’s a miracle that Lizzy is still an innocent! I intend to make sure she stays that way! Now you have two choices. You can stay here and continue on in your current pathetic little life, or come home with us. Either way, LIZZY IS COMING WITH ME. If you are worried about how I’ll take care of her, then I suggest you come along. If you don’t, I promise you, you’ll never see her again.” Brian threatened.

Jagger held Brian furious stare, never flinching.

Several minuets went by before he responded.

“Fine. I’ll come with you.” He relented.

“One condition. When we get back home, you go into rehab. Minimum 3 weeks to dry out. I’ll not have a junkie living in my house.” Brian said, setting the terms.

The kid was hooked on those little pills, he needed detoxing and it would be much easier in a facility where he could be monitored then in a dark room, all alone, sweating and throwing up for days, thinking your dying like Brian did when he was a kid.

“Fucking rehab is a joke. Do you think that’s going cure me?” Jagger said laughing sarcastically.

Brian knew it wouldn’t. It didn’t cure him; all it did was teach him to curb his cravings. He continued to use drugs way into his adult years. Only recently had he truly taken control of his addictions.

The only ‘cure’ was having people around you that cared, or more importantly, letting those people in. Brian got hold of his addiction only recently, and it was because he had let Justin in. As pathetically twisted as it sounded, the truth was, love did cure all.

In time, he hoped Jagger would feel that love. He knew if there was one person he’d let in, it was Lizzy.

“No, it won’t cure you, but it’s a start. Where you go from there, is your choice.” Brian said.

Jagger quirked an eyebrow at Brian.

“Promise me you’ll take care of Lizzy.” He said.

“I promise.” Brian said with out hesitation.

“I also promise to take care of you. If you let me.” He added.

Brian could see vulnerability and hope flash across Jaggers eyes, but then it disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

The kid was full of hurt, and desperation. It took all of Brian’s will not to turn away from the kid. He was looking straight into a mirror, seeing the reflection of his past. All the pain, all the sorrow….It was almost unbearable.

But it was too late now. He promised the kid.

Brian went to the door to let Lizzy and Justin back in.

“Jagger this is my partner, Justin. Justin, Jagger has agreed to come home with us.” Brian said.

Justin walked over to Jagger and held his hand out.

Jagger scoffed. “Please, what do I look like? Some fucking old dude? I don’t shake hands. Unsanitary you know.” He quipped.

Brian slapped Jagger upside the head. It was such a Deb move he cringed. God he was getting old.

“Rule number one, you DON’T ever disrespect my partner, or anyone in my family. You can vent all you want on me, but they are off limits, understand?” Brian said adamantly.

Jagger ducked away from Brian and rubbed his head.

“Jesus fucking Christ alright already!” He said glaring at Brian.

Jagger looked back at Justin. He was smiling at him. Shit, the guy had a great smile.

“So, what, are you two like, fucking gay?” Jagger asked.

“Gay’s usually fuck, so I’d say yes, we are. Why is that a problem?” Brian asked.

“Why the fuck should I care who you fuck? As long as it ain’t me, or my sister.” Jagger shot back.

“Good, then no problem.” Brian said.

Justin sighed. “Jesus Brian I can see you two bring the best out of each other.” He said sarcastically.

“Jagger, relax. You’ll love Pittsburgh, and our family. Yours and Lizzy’s new family. I promise.” Justin said.

Jagger shook his head. “I doubt it.” He said.

Adam walked into the room and smiled at Brian.

“I see you met Damien here.” Adam said referring to Jagger as the demon child from the movie “The Omen”.

Justin and Lizzy laughed. Brian scowled.

“All that’s left is your signature, and these lovely children are all yours. You ready?” He asked Brian.

Brian looked over at Justin and Lizzy. Each possessed their own special light and innocence. One the love of his life, the other a life whose love and happiness depended on him and Justin now.

Then he looked over at Jagger. He wondered if there would ever be any light or love in the kids’ life. It was a daunting task he was taking on. He fucked up his own life so badly, and he had a sick feeling he was going to fuck up Jaggers just as bad if not careful.

Christ he must be crazy.

“No. But I’ll sign anyway.” Brian said leaving the small room, hoping he’d never have to see it or this place ever again.

He signed the papers giving him full custody of the children with shaky hands and quickly exited the building. He needed air.

Justin ushered the children out following Brian, yet staying back a bit giving Brian room to breathe.

Jagger watched as his new guardian took out a cigarette and lit it. He pulled away from Justin and walked towards him.

Justin went to stop him, but then decided against it. His instincts were telling him that perhaps Jagger was just what Brian needed to confront and hopefully, heal, his own demons from his past.

 

“Hey.” Jagger said.

Brian looked over at the boy who stood by him.

“Got another one of those?” He asked.

Brian let out a bitter laugh. He pulled out his pack and took a cigarette out. He lit it with his own before handing it to Jagger.

Already he was fucking up. Not exactly a good influence on the boy letting him smoke at thirteen.

Jagger took it and pulled in a long drag. He wasn’t a stupid boy. He could sense the extreme turmoil going on inside his cousin. Not that he gave a fuck, but he was taking Lizzy in, and from the looks of his suit, this guy had money. There was something about him however that Jagger liked. He trusted him to be true to his word and that was a dangerous thing.

Never trust anyone.

Jagger shivered though it wasn’t all that cold out. Every instinct he possessed was telling him that his life was about to change, and drastically. Jagger did NOT do change well. He was comfortable with the familiar.

He looked up at Brian and noticed for the first time the resemblance. Well, that answered that question. They ‘were’ related. Not that it made any difference to him but it would to Lizzy.

And that was all that ever mattered to Jagger. Lizzy. Jagger would do anything, be anything, for just the chance of her being happy. It was too late for him, he knew that, but not for Lizzy…

Brian looked back at the kid sensing his anxiety.

“Look at it this way kid. You’re very lucky. At least you're not dead.” He said.

Jagger laughed cynically. “That’s where you’re wrong cuz.. Death comes in many forms.” He said much too wisely for someone his age.

Brian threw his cigarette on the ground and crushed it beneath his shoe.

“Yes, it does. But so does life.” He said.

*****************************************************************

 

Brian and Justin boarded the plane home with kids and Adam in tow. Everyone was unusually quiet.

Brian rested his head back against the cushioned seat in first class and closed his eyes.

His mind drifted back to a time when he was just 13. His first time out. He did it for Andy, to get the drugs Andy needed. He never was so scared in his life.

The face of the man who took his innocence flashed in his mind.

He groaned as if in pain and Justin automatically searched out his hand to comfort him.

Taking in Lizzy and Jagger were going to open up some old wounds for him, and create new ones for Jagger.

He wondered briefly as he tried to find comfort in Justin’s touch, if either would be able to heal.

Only time would tell….


	73. Yours, Mine and Ours

“And nothings all I ever get  
Every time I turn it on  
I burn“And nothings all I ever get  
Every time I turn it on  
I burn it up and burn it out

Its always something  
Theres always something going wrong  
Thats the only guarantee  
Thats what this is all about

Its a never ending attack  
Everythings a lie, and thats a fact”

 

~ Life’s a lemon and I want my money back – by Meatloaf

 

“Crash!”

 

“Johnny no practicing in the house!” Justin yelled over at the boy.

“Sorry uncle Justin.” Johnny picked up the basketball and the broken lamp and took it over to Justin who was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner.

Justin sighed. “ You know your uncle Brian is going to be furious. That is a Holtkoetter Elk Valenciana Gold Leaf series lamp.” He said. Brian had gotten it on sale for $2,500.00.

Johnny frowned in confusion. “Why does Uncle Brian’s furniture all have names?” He asked innocently enough.

Emmett laughed. “Child the man is obsessed with labels. Just like you love your Air Jordan’s you got for Christmas, Brian loves his Holtkoetter and Maxalto, and Citterio’s. All Italian designers baby. Now go play outside while we finish dinner.” Emmett shooed Johnny outside.

Justin smiled as he watched Johnny dribble his ball out the door.

“You’ve done a great job with the boys Em. Brian is very grateful.” Justin said.

Emmett had been a big, positive influence in both the boy’s lives. He stayed with Joan and the boys until the renovations were completed enough so the boys could move in. It could not have been an easy task, especially with Peter’s aversion to men, gay men in particular. But the boys came to respect Emmett during his time there, and both Brian and Justin were very grateful for his help.

The renovations to the Tremont estate, as Justin liked to call their home, were nearly done. It came out better than either he or Brian could have imagined. The bottom floor was comprised of the kitchen, and main living area. Justin told Brian not to furnish it with expensive furnishings, but he wouldn’t listen. Boys will be boys, and they currently they had two boys and a teenage girl living with them.

“Yeah, well it was the least I can do. Peter is coming around, he’s really taken to Lizzy.” Emmett said taking the colander over to the sink to rinse the lettuce.

Justin smiled at the mention of Lizzy’s name. She was truly a God sent to him and Brian. She was a beckon of kindness and hope that shone brightly in their home and the boys loved her. She fitted right in, feeling completely at home at Tremont. Justin was surprised at how quickly she adapted to her new life. Lizzy said the first time she walked through the doors that she was “finally home.”

Jagger on the other hand, was anything but comfortable at Tremont. Though to be fair, he wasn’t there long enough to get adjusted.

“She’s very mature for her age. I’m glad Peter has her to talk to. He still keeps his distance from me you know.” Justin said.

Emmett frowned. “What does Brian say about that?” He asked.

“He say’s give it time. He doesn’t want to push Peter. I’m not so sure though. I think if we don’t intervene he’ll be perfectly happy to remain in his shell. He needs to feel safe around men, especially gay men. This place is so big he can go for days without being near either one of us. I think I’m going to start spending more one on one time with him.” Justin said putting the roast into the oven.

“Well baby I think that’s a great idea! He wouldn’t come near me the whole time I was living at Joans. Though he did listen to me. I guess that’s a start. And he didn’t insult me once.” Emmett said.

Justin laughed.

Emmett pulled a bag of potato’s out from the pantry and started peeling.

“And what about Jagger? How’s he doing in rehab?” He asked.

Justin shot Emmett an exasperated look. Jagger was giving him a very hard time and Justin was starting to resent Brian’s decision to go to New York with Cynthia to get the ball rolling on Kinnetik NY. It was awful timing, and he suspected just a ruse to avoid having to deal with his little cousin. Dealing with Jagger meant dealing with his own troubled childhood, something Brian had successfully avoided up until now.

Jagger, for his part, kept his promise and willingly entered rehab, but since he’s been there it’s been one incident after another. Justin was called in on several occasions to intervene on Jaggers behalf. The center wanted him out. The only reason they kept him was because Brian was throwing an obscene amount of money at them.

“Not well. He rebels against authority at every turn. He refuses to follow rules, living only by his own rules, and challenges everything about the program. He’s insufferable , arrogant and undisciplined.” Justin said harshly.

Emmett eyed the potato he was peeling and smiled. “And you adore him.” He said.

Justin looked over at Emmett and sighed. “How could I not? He’s totally Brian.” He admitted.

“Unfortunately, Brian does not like seeing those qualities in himself, so he split.” Justin snapped.

“Oh ouch! Things not going well between you two?” Emmett pressed.

“Oh they’re going just fine for Mr. Kinney. He’s off in New York setting up Kinnetiks NY office and shopping for an apartment for Cynthia, while I’m here dealing with two very troubled teenage boys.” Justin’s frustration was evident.

Emmett put the potato he was peeling down and went over to hug Justin. Justin smiled and hugged his friend back.

“You need to tell Brian to get his ass home sweetie.” Emmett said pulling away.

“I can’t Em. I don’t want him to think I can’t handle the kids when he’s away.” Justin said.

“Pfsst!” Emmett made the offending noise

“As if his Highness could handle them alone? I doubt it! You’re doing a fantastic job! He’s just being his usual selfish self. He needs to come home.” Emmett declared.

“Normally I would agree with you, but he has Gus with him and I don’t want to ruin his time with his son.” Justin said.

Lindsey and Mel left Gus with them while they went on vacation and Brian decided to take him to New York with him.

“Well at least there is that. Lindsey and Mel admitted to me they were sorry they had fought Brian so hard. Having shared custody freed them up big time to reconnect. Mel says she and Lindsey need time to get to know each other all over again with out the shadow of Brian hanging over them.” Emmett said.

“I’m glad for them. Lindsey’s come a long way. We’ve all come a long way.” Justin mused.

“Ring. Ring.” The phone chimed.

Justin picked it up.

 

“Hey Sunshine, how’s it going?” Brian said on the other end.

“Don’t ask questions you really don’t want the answer to.” Justin said without thinking.

Fuck! Again with his impulsiveness! He shook his head. When would he learn to think before he speaks?

There was silence on the other end.

“What did he do now?” Brian finally asked.

“It’s fine, I took care of it. How’s Gus enjoying the city?” Justin changed the subject.

Brian decided to let it slide. “He loves it. I took him to MOMA.” He said.

“MOMA? It’s that a little too sophisticated for a four year old?” Justin asked.

Brian laughed. “What can I say? You’ve rubbed off on him. He loved the drawing gallery. I think you have your first student here.” Brian said.

“I always said he had talent.” Justin smiled into the phone.

“Did you and Cynthia find an apartment yet?” Justin asked.

“The rents are ridiculous! I decided to buy a brownstone in Midtown instead. It’s perfect. It’s a two family, each having three bedrooms with a fireplace. I purchased it under the company name so it’s a write off. It was very reasonable, by NYC standards. It needs a little work, still it’s a great buy, and we’ll have a place to stay when we come to New York.” Brian said.

“Sounds nice.” Justin said, his voice distant.

Brian sighed into the phone. He could feel Justin was holding back something.

“Tell me.” He said.

“What do you want me to tell you that you don’t already know?” Justin answered.

Brian knew exactly what troubles Jagger was causing. No one knew the boy better then him. He just didn’t want to look that deep.

“I’ll take the next flight home.” Brian said.

Justin silently cursed. He didn’t want Brian to cut his trip short. He was finally getting a chance to bond, really bond, with his son.

“No, don’t. Stay until Sunday, like you planed. There’s nothing you can do anyway. He’s got another week in rehab, then we can deal with him when he gets home.” Justin reasoned.

“Are you sure? What about Peter?” Brian asked.

“Peter actually is doing very well thanks to Lizzy. He’s really taken to her and seems more relaxed. He still won’t get close to me, but he eats dinner with us, and helps clean up afterwards. Mainly because Lizzy tells him too. He loves that she goes to his high school. Seems Lizzy has already gained Ms. Popularity status at the school. Bri, she’s really something. I can’t tell you what a big help she is, and Emmett is here often. He’s here now. Really, I’m fine, I’m just venting. Please don’t cut your trip short. Sounds like you and Gus are having a great time.” Justin said.

“Yeah, we are. He’s growing up so fast..” Brian mused.

“Yes, he is. Don’t miss a minute. Sunday will be here before you know it.” Justin said.

“Ok, but if there is any new developments, call me. I’m not fucking around. I don’t want you dealing with any of his shit alone.” Brian insisted.

Yeah, right. That’s why you ran off to New York, Justin silently thought.

“I will.” He voiced out loud instead, opting to hold his thoughts to himself.

“Good. Later.”

“Later.”

Justin hung up the phone.

Lizzy bounced into the room twirling.

“It’s the most BEAUTIFUL dress EVER!” She shouted holding up the corners to her new dress.

Justin had taken her shopping the day before to buy a dress for her to wear to the school dance. A boy had asked her to go. Actually, several boys did. She truly was very popular, and she’d only been at the school a few weeks. It wasn’t that she was the prettiest girl in the school, though she was very pretty, it was simply her personality. She was bubbly, smart, and irresistibly charming.

Lizzy begged Justin to let her go, and of course he said yes. He didn’t even mention it to Brian fearing he would object until he met the boy, and Justin knew that would be a big mistake.

Brian was the typical over bearing father figure when it came to Lizzy. He didn’t know how to deal with young girls, never having dealings with them. Not even when he was young himself since he was gay and did not have much interest in them. He had no frame of reference when it came to raising children, especially young girls, where as Justin grew up in a house with his younger sister. As it was, he had to convince Brian to place Lizzy in the public school and not send her to the private all girls’ school he wanted to put her in. Lizzy swore eternal gratitude to Justin for saving her from that fate.

“Oh My God! Girl you put Audrey Hepburn to shame!” Emmett said all misty eyed.

Lizzy laughed.

“I’m so pretty!” She said with such innocent glee it pulled at Justin’s heartstrings.

“Yes, you are.” He said smiling.

“So when am I going to meet this boy.” Justin said wiping his hand and coming around the kitchen counter.

“He’s coming by tomorrow after school if that’s alright.” Lizzy said.

Justin nodded. The boy was a senior, Lizzy was just a sophomore. She was 16, almost 17, but was absent so much from school she was held back a grade. Jagger however, was 13 and on a 10th grade level, 2 grades ahead of where he should be, EVEN having missed so much school.

Jagger, according to his old school, had an IQ of 160. Being too smart was a bad thing for some kids. It was the same with Brian. With all his troubled past, he was always a straight A student all the way through college, yet he hardly had to study at all. School bored him, and apparently it bored Jagger as well, which left them to their own devious devices. Some of which both were paying for, still.

“Oh, can I be here to meet him!” Emmett said excitedly.

“No.” Justin said with a devious smile. “We don’t want to scare the boy off.”

Lizzy playfully slapped Justin. “That’s just mean cousin Justin! Of course you can meet him Emmett.” Lizzy said.

Emmett stuck his tongue out at Justin in triumph.

 

“Ring. Ring.” The phone chimed again.

Justin went to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Mr. Taylor?”

“Yes, this is Mr. Taylor.”

“Mr. Taylor this is Miss Simenon from White Deer rehabilitation center. I’m afraid we have a problem with your ward, Jagger O’Hara.” The woman on the other line said.

Justin pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit he picked up from Brian.

“What kind of problem?” Justin asked.

“I think it’s best if you come down to the center so we can discuss it.” Miss Simenon said.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Justin answered.

“Thank you. I shall see you soon then.” The woman said then hung up.

“Is it Jagger?” Lizzy asked, fear and sadness in her voice.

Justin smiled over at her.

“Yes. But don’t worry. It will be fine. You know he’s just having a hard time adjusting.” Justin tried to reassure her.

“Go, I’ll stay with the kids.” Emmett offered.

“Thanks Em.” He said then turned back to Lizzy.

“Promise me you won’t worry.” He said taking her into his arms for a hug.

Lizzy rubbed her cheek against his chest. “I always worry about him cousin Justin. I can’t help it.” She said.

Justin sighed and pulled back. “He has family now who can take care of him.”

Lizzy smiled up at him. “I know. Can I go with you?” She asked.

“No. Stay here and help your aunty Em.” Justin said cheekily, trying to lighten the mood.

Lizzy laughed.

Emmett huffed. “Hell honey, I make a HELL of an Aunt!” He said flipping his hair.

Justin rolled his eyes and grabbed his coat. He really didn’t need it though; the weather had improved dramatically the past few days. Spring was finally here, thank God. Time for new beginnings….

He got into his Audi and headed towards White Deer. This was the third time this week he was called, and it was only Tuesday.

Something had to be done, and it was about time he did it. Contrary to what Brian or anyone else might think, Brian wasn’t the only person who could handle Jagger. Justin had a lot of experience dealing with Brian over years. He was an expert on the “Kinney” operating manual, and he was going to use that same manual to deal with Jagger.

Jagger was a mini version of Brian, and if there was anyone who knew Brian better then he knew himself, it was Justin.

Who better then to handle Jagger?

 

********************************************************

 

“It’s really non negotiable Mr. Taylor. At this point, we are at a loss of what to do. It is too dangerous to have him any longer. You must take him home today.” Miss Simenon said.

Justin nodded his head in agreement. This last incident was really too much, he could not argue the point with her.

“I understand. Is he ready?” Justin asked.

“Yes, he’s waiting for you in the rec room. His things are packed.” She said and rose from her chair behind her desk.

Justin rose as well and approached her, hand extended.

“I’m so sorry for all the trouble he’s caused. Thank you for trying. I guess you can’t save them all.” Justin said shaking her hand. He saw her stiffen at his comment. It was meant to sting a bit. He was glad she caught the insult.

This was a fucking rehab center after all. What did they expect? Angels?

Jagger had caused trouble, and yes, this last incident was serious. He and some of the other residents broke out last night and got drunk before returning. Of course Jagger was the ringleader.

He understood why the center didn’t want him there. Jagger was too big an influence on the other residences, and threatened their impeccable reputation. White Deer toted themselves as the only rehabilitation center in the State that had a 100% success rate.

Jagger just ruptured that statistic, and Justin felt a certain satisfaction in pointing that out. This place was bullshit. It was overpriced and over hyped in his opinion. Of course they had a 100% success rate, they threw anyone out who challenged it.

Miss Simenon chose to refrain from responding to the insult, and instead led him to the rec room. She took her keys out and unlocked the door.

“Good luck to you both.” She said, leaving the two alone.

Justin looked at Jagger who sat in the middle of the room with his one suitcase on the floor by his side. The boy looked angry, and very hurt.

“I guess it’s time you came home Jagger.” Justin said.

Jagger snorted. “Home? That’s a fucking joke. I’m not clean, and Brian said he didn’t want a junkie in his house.” He spat venomously at Justin.

Justin cringed at the resentful tone. This wasn’t about getting thrown out of rehab, no Jaggers rage was aimed directly at Brian.

“Yes, he did. So I guess we’re going to have to get you clean before comes home. Which is only 5 days away.” Justin said.

“Oh, so now it’s “we”, is it? Well fuck you.” He said, then added when he saw Justin’s eyebrows raise.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m not allowed to talk to you that way, orders from his fucking highness. Tell you what, just sign me out and I’ll be out of your hair. I told him fucking rehab was a joke.” Jagger said that last part under his breath and more to himself.

Justin eyed the boy. He was so full of hurt it tore at Justin’s heart, but he knew better than to show it to Jagger. No, Jagger was like Brian in so many ways. Show him anything that even hinted of pity and he’d rebel so fast your head would spin. No, Justin had to handle Jagger like he would handle Brian.

He walked over to him and placed his hands on the arms of the chair. He leaned in and glared at Jagger.

“Let’s get this straight, ok? You are coming home with me, that’s non negotiable. Your sister and two cousins are at the house and TOGETHER we are ALL going to help you dry out. It will be extremely difficult and painful. But you WILL do it. And do you know why?” Justin asked.

Jagger glared at him. “No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.” He said.

“Because once you’re clean, you can tell your arrogant asshole of a cousin to go FUCK himself, on your terms. You would have proven that you could handle things on your own. Without fucking rehab and without his help! Then, if you want to go, at least he’ll know that you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. So you see, you will get clean. If for no other reason, then to prove Brian wrong, and throw it in his face.” Justin said.

Jaggers eyes narrowed. He knew he was being played. But Justin was right. Getting himself clean would prove his cousin wrong. And that would give Jagger great satisfaction. Brian had promised him he would help him, yet where was he? He didn’t come once to see him in rehab, in two fucking weeks! Just like Eliana didn’t come and help them. The people he thought really gave a fuck about him just ended up disappointing him. Starting with his mother, then their social worker, and now his cousin.

He could trust no one; depend on no one but himself. Yeah, the more he thought about it, Justin was right. He’d get clean on his own terms, and then when he walked out he could take Lizzy with him.

Jagger reached down and picked up his suitcase.

He stared at Justin.

“Well? What the fuck are you waiting for? Lets go. The sooner we get going, the sooner you can take pleasure in watching me vomit my guts up for the next few days.” He said then walked past Justin.

Justin sighed. He wondered briefly if Brian was ever that insecure. The kid really thought no one gave a shit about him. He knew instinctively that Jagger believed he wasn’t worthy of love. That he didn’t deserve it. It was such a Brian trait, how could he miss it?

He followed Jagger out of the center and they got in his car. They were silent on the ride home.

Justin used the time to comprise a plan to get Jagger sober. He would need to enlist the help of the family. That included Lizzy, Peter, Johnny, and Rena. This was a family problem, and Justin was determined that they would all deal with it, as a family. The kids all knew where Jagger was, and why. Now they would be instrumental in helping Jagger get better.

It would be a bonding experience for them all. They were family, and it was time they started operating like one.

*****************************************************

 

“Peter get up!” Johnny nudged Peter as he lay sleeping in his bed. The boys shared a bedroom on the second floor of Tremont.

Jaggers’ room was two bedrooms down from theirs. Justin put him in the one with the adjourning bathroom and kitchen that was meant for the nanny. Lizzy’s room was at the far end.

Peter growled sleepily and rolled over.

“What the fuck?” He said.

“Jagger’s throwing up again.” Johnny said.

Peter sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“Where’s Justin?”

“He’s downstairs sleeping on the couch. I didn’t want to wake him.” Johnny said.

Justin had literally been up for the past three days with Jagger helping him through his withdrawal. Peter didn’t think he slept once during that whole time.

“Shit, is Lizzy still asleep?” Peter asked.

Johnny shrugged his shoulders. She probably was. She had stayed up almost as long as Justin did for the past few days. They all had thought Jagger was past the worse of it. He was able to hold down some soup earlier that evening and finally drifted off into what appeared to be peaceful sleep just hours ago.

Peter pushed his blanket aside and got up out of bed.

“Should I go get Lizzy?” Johnny asked.

“No, let her sleep. I’ll handle this.” Peter said.

Peter didn’t want Lizzy disturbed. She’d been going through hell since Jagger started having withdrawal symptoms. Peter could only image the anguish she must be experiencing witnessing her brother suffer so. They all were emotionally exhausted, but none more than Lizzy or Justin.

When Justin came home three days earlier with Jagger in tow, explaining how they were all going to help Jagger ‘detox’, he was very doubtful. Rena came over and instructed them all on what to expect, and what to do for him. She wanted to stay, but Justin told her they would call her if they needed her. He seemed determined that they do this on their own.

Peter had a very hard time at first helping Justin. Not because he didn’t want to help Jagger. He liked Jagger a lot, they were related after all and Jagger was kinda cool. No, Peter had a hard time being Justin’s ‘right hand’ man, as Justin called him. At first he rebelled, but then Jagger started getting sick and Peter had to help Justin. He couldn’t let him take care of Jagger by himself, he needed his help.

Lizzy was a girl, and she couldn’t do things like help Justin bathe and change Jaggers cloths when he threw up all over himself. That was a man’s job. Johnny did all he could, but he was just ten, and Justin didn’t want him too directly involved.

At Jaggers worse, only Justin and Peter were with him. Justin would send Lizzy and Johnny to their rooms. Over the days, Peter got use to Justin being in such close proximity to him. Hell, how could he help it? Lifting Jagger, stripping the vomit soaked clothes from Jagger, bathing Jagger, all required very close contact. Often his hands would interlock with Justin’s so they could lift Jagger, in and out of the tub, or his bed. It amazed Peter how comfortable he was starting to feel with Justin, when just a few days ago, the thought of touching him sent him into a panic. Was it just a few days? Man it seemed like a lifetime ago…

“Johnny, go downstairs and get some bottle water for Jagger.” Peter instructed.

“Why should I go downstairs? There’s bottled water in the mini fridge in his room.” Johnny asked.

“Just fucking do what I say ok!” Peter said frustrated.

He didn’t know what he would find when he walked in to Jaggers room and he didn’t want Johnny freaking out on him seeing their cousin on the floor covered in vomit. Well at least it wouldn’t look like blood this time. He had eaten some soup. When Jagger didn’t eat, he would have nothing to vomit up but black vile that looked like blood. It freaked Peter out the first time he saw it, even though Rena had warned them about it. Peter was pretty proud of himself though, he didn’t flinch as he helped Justin clean Peter up that time.

“Fine!” Johnny pouted and left. -- They never let him help Jagger when he was really sick. Didn’t they know he was old enough? -- He thought angrily as he stomped down the stairs.

Once Johnny was out of sight, Peter entered Jaggers room and closed the door behind him. He could hear Jaggger retching in the bathroom as he walked towards it.

Jagger sat on the floor; his head resting against the porcelain bowl, sweat pouring down his face. Peter immediately went to him and knelt beside him.

“Dude, you made it to the bowl this time.” He said smiling.

Jagger tried to laugh but didn’t have the strength. He was tired. Too fucking tired. He wanted it all to end. He could handle being sick, but the depression, oh God, the depression was horrific. He felt like there was a black, empty spot deep inside of him. A loneliness that was so unbearable, he just wanted to die.

The last few days were a true revelation for him.

Lizzy was happy.

It was what he always wanted for her, what he LIVED for, only he didn’t anticipate that it wouldn’t be him who’d provide that happiness for her. She found it here, in his cousin’s house, and with out him. She didn’t need him, and Jagger could find no reason at this point why he should go on.

Peter took a washcloth out from linen closet and wet it. He ran it across Jaggers forehead.

“Better?” He asked.

Jagger did manage to laugh at that. Bitterly.-- Better? What the fuck was better? Would he ever know ‘better’ ever again?-- His mind was wandering, his thoughts erratic.

 

Peter didn’t like the sound of Jaggers laugh. He put his hands underneath his arms and tried to lift him when a voice boomed form the bathroom door.

 

“Leave him be.” Brian said to his nephew.

Peter turned stunned eyes towards Brian. He saw Justin standing behind him wearing a very worried expression.

 

“Uncle Brian, he’s better, honestly. I just need to get him into bed.” Peter said as he kept his hold on Jagger.

For some reason, he was very afraid of what was going to happen now that Brian was home. He knew Justin didn’t tell Brian what they were doing. He had hoped, they ALL had hoped, Jagger would be over his withdrawals by the time Brian came home. Rena said he would be, but then again, Brian wasn’t supposed to come home until Sunday. It was only Friday.

Brian’s features softened as he entered the bathroom. He leaned down and pulled Jagger out of Peter’s embrace.

“It’s all right Peter. You can let go now. Justin tells me he could have never handled this without your help. Thank you. ” Brian said lifting Jagger in his arms.

Jagger didn’t struggle. He simply did not have the strength Brian noted.

“You’ve showed such maturity. Your mother would be proud.” Brian whispered.

Peter blushed at the compliment. He never thought the day would come when he’d appreciate; no more than that, ‘want’ Brian’s approval.

“Thanks uncle Bri.” He said.

Brian smiled at him and walked out of the bathroom. He placed Jagger on his bed then turned back to Peter.

“You can go back to bed. I’m home now, you all can rest. Go, Johnny’s in there waiting for you.” Brian said.

Peter looked to Justin for his permission; Justin nodded his head towards the door. Peter left the two men in the room with Jagger.

Brian witnessed the exchanged with raised eyebrows. So much has changed in the time he was gone.

 

Brian sighed looking down at his frail cousin. He drifted off to sleep, for the moment. A cold uneasy feeling of ‘de ja vu’ filled him.

“Is he?” He asked out loud, his eyes still fixated on Jagger.

Justin knew what he was asking. He was asking if Peter was right.

Was Jagger getting better?

“Yes, and no. Physically, he’s getting there, emotionally, we’re losing him.” Justin answered honestly.

Brian turned angry eyes on Justin.

 

He had come home unexpectedly just an hour ago. He had a bad feeling something was wrong, so he took an earlier flight home.

He and Gus entered the house to find Justin sleeping on the couch. The minute he saw Justin, he knew in his gut something was terribly wrong. Gus was very tired from the flight, and the late hour, but the minute he saw his “Jussin” he automatically ran to him before Brian could stop him and woke him up.

Needless to say, Justin was shocked to see them. Brian patiently held back from his interrogation until they had Gus settled in his bed on the second floor. They checked in on all the kids, and everyone was sleeping peacefully. At the time anyway.

They came back downstairs and Justin filled him in on what had been going on. He was furious that Justin decided to take matters into his own hands with out consulting him. They were arguing that very point when Johnny came down the stairs….

 

“This could have been avoided.” He growled at Justin.

Justin held his stare.

“No, it couldn’t. And you know that. You’ve been avoiding it for too long as it is.” Justin admonished. He knew he was being harsh on Brian, but it was time Brian dealt with the situation.

Brian sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. He buried his face in his hands.

“I can’t lose him. Not again…” Brian said into his hands.

Justin went to him and sat down on the bed besides him. He understood Brian’s words all too clearly and they chilled him.

This wasn’t just about Jagger, it was about him, or more accurately, the young boy in him he wasn’t able to save all those years ago….

“You won’t. You are the only one who can reach him. And you will. You won’t fail because you can’t. You are older, wiser and better prepared.” Justin paused for a moment; a worried frown marred his brow.

“Brian… He’s not you. Remember that.” Justin said and kissed the side of Brian’s neck.

“If you need me, I’ll be in Gus’s room, just down the hall.” He said then got up and left Brian alone with Jagger.

 

Brian panicked the minute Justin left the room.

He never felt so unsure, so vulnerable in his whole life. Not even as a kid when he was in the same position as Jagger. He remembered all too well the Hell Jagger was going through. A Hell he managed to bury, but now had resurfaced. A Hell, they both were going to have to face, together...

Jagger stirred in the bed.

“Lizzy…” he called out.

Brian crawled up on the bed and lay down beside Jagger, pulling his back up against his chest.

“Shhh.. I’m here. Lizzy is fine. She’s resting. Go back to sleep.” Brian said and tightened his hold.

Jaggers body went rigid. He turned in Brian’s arms, and forced himself to focus.

Brian held the boys stare as he watched them come to life.

“Fuck you.” Jagger finally said.

Brian smiled.

“Yeah, I deserve that.” He said.

Jagger abruptly sat up in bed and immediately regretted it. His stomach lurched from the sudden movement.

“Easy..” Brian said sitting up with him.

Jagger took several calming breaths in before turning to Brian.

“I don’t want you here.” He said.

“Yeah, I know that too. But I’m not going anywhere.” Brian answered.

Jagger turned cold eyes on him.

“You fucking left me.” He said in a dead calm voice.

Brian flinched at all the accusations laced in that one sentence.

“I know, I’m sorry.” He said.

“Sorry’s bullshit.” Jagger said.

“Yeah, you’re right about that too. It doesn’t help a fucking thing. I just wanted you to hear it, because it’s true. I should have never left you alone in that place. Truth is, I couldn’t face myself.” Brian tried to explain.

“What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” Jagger asked skeptically.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off the migraine he knew was coming.

“Someone I loved very much got sick died when I was your age. And no amount of tricking, or drugs could save him, or me from the pain of it. I failed him, and my sister, Rena. I couldn’t handle the grief, the loneliness…” Brian paused, his emotions stopping him from continuing.

Jagger’s heart skipped a beat when he heard Brian talk about the ‘loneliness.’ That was the worse, he knew and apparently his cousin knew that too. That feeling of being completely alone, unwanted, unloved….

Brian turned to look at his cousin and saw a reflection of that sad, hurt little boy he was so many years ago. Tears seeped out of his eyes without his notice.

“Jagger…” His voice cracked a bit.

“You’re not alone..” He said reaching out to him.

Jagger pulled away.

“NOOOO!” He yelled and jumped off the bed.

“You tricked me! You lied to me! You stole her from me!” He screamed a bit hysterically.

Brian opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

Jagger threw his arms up. “You don’t even fucking deny it!” He said incredulously.

Brian shook his head. “Wait, what the fuck are you talking about?” He said standing up to face his cousin.

“MY SISTER ASSHOLE! Lizzy doesn’t need me any more! You took that away from me you bastard!” Jagger screeched and attacked Brian. He started punching him with all his might, but was too weak for his actions to have any affect.

Brian let him vent for a bit before grabbing his wrists so the boy wouldn’t hurt himself.

“Jesus Jagger, don’t you know you can never lose Lizzy?” Brian asked.

Jagger broke down and started crying. Brian held him to his chest, the boy resisted at first, but Brian held on tight until he relented and sank into him.

“You really have so little faith in your own sister? Do you honestly think I could keep her here with out you?” Brian said.

Jaggers’ sobs subsided at Brian’s words. He pushed away from him and glared.

“You already have.” He said.

Brian snorted. “Please. And here I thought you were smarter than that. Ok, you need proof? Go. Go tell her you’re leaving. How much you want to bet she’ll be packing her bags the second the words leave your mouth.” Brian said.

Jagger looked at him, confusion evident in his gaze.

“But she’s happy here.” Jagger said.

Brian’s heart clenched. He knew exactly what Jagger was feeling. Why would Lizzy choose him over the life she’s found with them? A life of security and love, a life Jagger could never provide for her. It was the exact same feeling he had when he had let Rena go live with Viv. He hated having to do that, but he knew he couldn’t give her the life that Viv could. He didn’t deserve her…and she deserved so much more…

“Jagger listen to me, are listening?” Brian grabbed Jagger by the shoulders and held him tight.

Jagger nodded his head, though his whole body was on alert.

“I KNOW how you feel. I had to let my sister go when I was about your age. Our brother died, by his own father’s hands, and I had to take Rena away before he destroyed her as well. I knew I couldn’t give her the life she deserved, so I sent her to live with her Aunt. I thought it was the right thing to do. And maybe it was, I’m not sure, but you know what? We both suffered because of it, and eventually she found her way back to me. We have a bond that can’t be broken, ever. She will always love me. Just as Lizzy will always love you, and you her. Listen to me! YOU ARE LOVED! No one can break the bond you two have.” Brian said then shook Jagger for effect.

“NO ONE, EVER.” He repeated firmly.

Jagger looked away from Brian. He heard the truth of his words, and that terrible, terrible thing crept back in him. Hope. It was a killer, and he didn’t want any part of it.

Brian saw he was losing him.

“Jagger, please…don’t leave me…I need you…” He said with a sincerity that could not be faked. Jagger heard it, and responded to it. He brought his head back around to look at Brian.

“Why?”

“Because I can’t fuck up again.” He answered truthfully. He was leaving himself open to Jagger, letting him see the truth, and vulnerability in his words.

Jagger raised his hands and placed them on Brian’s shoulders.

“Yea well, I don’t think that’s possible cuz. Fucking up seems to run in our family.” He said.

Brian didn’t expect the witty response. He laughed and pulled Jagger in for a hug.

Jagger let him hug him.

“So you’ll stay here with us?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, for Lizzy’s sake.” Jagger answered.

Brian hugged him tighter, a relieved sigh escaped him.

“Fuck.” Jagger cursed as a wave of nausea hit him.

Brian saw it coming. He turned him around quickly and dragged him into the bathroom, but not before Jagger threw up on his Gucci shoes.

“Ok, now that’s disgusting.” Brian said holding Jaggers head over the bowl.

Jagger finished throwing up and wiped his mouth on Brian’s pants.

“Arrgggghhh!” Brian screeched.

“Fucking queen.” Jagger said, mirth laced in his tired voice.

“Brat.” Brian threw back smiling.

Jagger stood up and went to the sink. He splashed some water on his face then looked up in the mirror.

There, standing behind him, he saw an older image of himself. The two cousins stared at each other. One seeing his future, the other his past.

And both were at peace with what they saw.

Brian helped Jagger back to bed and stayed with him all night long.

Morning came bringing with it promise, and hope.

Yes, that horrible dreadful thing, hope. Only this time, both Brian and Jagger welcomed it……


	74. Beyond Hopes Grasp

“It's better to be hurt by the truth than to gain satisfaction from the lies."

~David Allan

 

“You are NOT fucking serious with this! We need to be ready in an hour!” Justin said stomping through the loft clutching a dress shirt in each hand, undecided on which to wear.

Brian smiled as he watched his blonde storm away from him. He should feel bad about starting a fight one hour before they had to be at the grand opening of their new acquired business venture, Babylon 7, but he didn’t. He simply got too much joy at times provoking his little tiger. He loved it when Justin showed his claws.

“You just don’t like hearing the truth.” Brian had to push, just a little more.

Justin turned on him, shirts flaring. “Oh I got some truth for you Mister!” He snarled.

Brian grew hard.

“You are one arrogant, stubborn, self righteous son of a bitch!” Justin said, eyes blazing.

“True. And you are a reckless, selfish brat.” Brian threw back.

Justin stopped dead in his tracks. He scanned the room searching for something to throw at Brian. Having found nothing suitable, he decided to throw the black Malik shirt he was holding in his left hand at him, knowing it was Brian’s favorite.

Brian ducked nearly escaping being hit by the silk garment.

“Did I mention violent too?” He said unable to keep the mirth out of his voice.

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” Justin accused.

“I’m hard if that’s what you mean.” Brian said tongue in cheek.

“Argggghhh!” Justin vented then threw the blue cashmere shirt he was holding in his other hand at Brian.

Brian caught it and laughed. He truly was getting too much pleasure at watching his hot blonde’s pale skin flush in anger. The argument he started was paying off….Though he knew it was unfair of him. He had already decided to relent to Lizzy’s request, but he was far from letting Justin know that.

Lizzy had asked them if she could go to New York with her friends to see a concert next weekend.

Justin felt it was a reasonable request. He thought she was old enough, and the situation was safe enough.

Brian decided to argue against it, (one hour before they were to meet their other business partners at Babylon 7), stating that it was too dangerous for her to be traveling to New York alone with her friends, even though they would be staying with one of the girls relatives once they got there.

But that wasn’t what set Justin off. Brian accused Justin of being irresponsible and reckless in his decision-making. He then proceeded to throw in Justin’s face each impulsive act Justin had committed over the years. All of which Justin couldn’t deny. It infuriated Justin, and Brian loved an infuriated Justin…

Well, sometimes...

“With the long list of fuck ups you have under your belt, you actually have the nerve to throw my past mistakes in my face? Even you’re not that arrogant,,,,!” Justin proclaimed then raised an eyebrow at Brian.

“Or are you?” Justin asked.

Brian tilted his head contemplating his answer.

“Asshole.” Justin snapped and went and sat on the couch and picked up the remote.

 

“Fine. You win.” He said, his voice now taking on a dejected tone.

Brian frowned. “What are you doing?” He asked.

“One, I’m not talking to you. Two, I’m going to watch some TV, and three, I’ve decided not to go tonight. Though I’m sure you’ll just chalk that up to another one of my ‘reckless, impulsive’ decisions. But hey, you should be use to them by now.” Justin answered petulantly.

Shit this was not good. Brian wanted Justin fighting mad at him, not sullen and morose. When angered, Justin’s ‘natural’ passions surfaced, wild and unabashed. It was a part of his impulsive nature that Brian loved.

Nothing was better than having a heated argument with his tiger followed by equally hot sex.

But instead of engaging Brian with his fire, Justin was tuning him out. He needed to change his strategy and fast. He wanted that fire back in his blonde’s blood.

“Well before you get too engrossed in another episode of “As the Gay man Pouts,” You should know I’m also seriously thinking of ending that relationship she has with that Devil boy. He’s bad news, I’ve been saying it for weeks now.” Brian ventured in a new direction.

The threat was feeble at best. Justin knew he’d never make Lizzy unhappy on purpose, but hey, he was desperate at this point. His dick was now involved in this argument. The situation just turned dire.

Justin slanted a scorching sideway glance at him. “His name is Devin.” He said, a knowing smile played on his lips.

“Whatever.” Brian replied shrugging his shoulder and walked over to stand in front of Justin.

Justin looked up at him. Brian noted the intense dark blue of his eyes, signifying his anger. His nostrils flared from the sudden onslaught of lust that filled him. The look he was getting from Justin was so fucking hot. Brian was so turned on; it took all his will to not jump him right then and there.

“Don’t be spiteful Bri. It doesn’t suit you, and it won’t get you what you want.” Justin said in a tauntingly seductive voice.

Brian audibly groaned and put his hand over his now engorged cock.

Justin leaned forward so that his mouth hovered over Brian’s hand. His eyes never left Brian’s. “I know exactly what game you are playing Mr. Kinney, but it’s not going to work.” He said.

Brian could feel Justin’s breath caress his hand as he continued to rub himself.

 

“So tell me Sunshine, what will work?” He asked. His own satisfied smirk emerged.

Justin slowly stood up, making sure his cock brushed against Brian’s inner thigh as he rose.

“First, agree to let Lizzy go to the concert.” He said and pushed forward so his cock pressed firmly against Brian’s hand, forcing Brian to apply even more pressure to his throbbing member.

Brian’s breath caught in his throat. His eyes locked on to Justin’s.

“You’re not playing fair.” He said.

Justin let out a little laugh and slowly slid his hand into the waistband of Brian’s pants.

“No, I guess I’m not.” He said then dipped his hand down a little further, eliciting an aching groan from Brian.

“Though I never did play fair when it came to you, have I? I believe I broke just about every rule to get what I wanted.” He said, satisfied with the effect he was having on his lover.

Brian leaned down in a lust filled haze and pulled Justin’s bottom lip in-between his teeth. He sucked on it a bit before releasing it.

“And what did you want?” He whispered huskily, his lips mere inches from Justin’s.

“You. Always you. Even before you, there was only you…” Justin said and reached up with his other hand to bring Brian’s mouth down once again to his.

Brian opened his mouth to received Justin’s kiss. Justin moaned deeply into his lovers mouth as his tongue caressed Brian’s, engaging in their oh so familiar sensual duel. It was the one thing Justin craved more than anything from Brian.

His kiss.

Brian’s kiss was so much more than a meeting of mouths and tongues. It was a symphony of sensations and a statement of intent. Every one of Brian’s kisses was like a work of art. He used his lips, tongue and mouth much like an artist uses his brushes and pallet to express all his emotions, thoughts and dreams. And Justin was his canvas.

Brian moved his mouth over Justin’s possessively. He was aggressive, and determined. Justin’s body responded in kind.

Brian pulled his mouth away from Justin’s to run his lips along Justin’s jaw line. He nipped his way up to his lobe.

“You know what I want.” He panted into Justin’s ear.

Yes, Justin’s mind and body responded to the unspoken request. He knew exactly what Brian wanted, what he needed.

Brian wanted to stalk, conquer, and then devour his prey. It was so primal, and elemental to his nature that Justin couldn’t help but react to it. When it came to Brian’s needs, Justin always found a way to give it to him. Even if it meant denying his own immediate needs.

Without warning, Justin abruptly pushed him away, breaking all contact. It was a brave move; one that Justin wondered how the hell he had the strength to do considering his own raging desire. But giving his “Lion” what he wanted, what he needed took precedence over his own current state.

 

Brian smiled triumphantly at Justin’s sudden rejection. It still amazed him how Justin could pick up on Brian’s needs even when he didn’t recognize them himself. It was purely intuitive on both their parts. And this, ah well this was exactly what Brian was hoping for.

Justin backed away from Brian and raised his eyebrow at him.

“I don’t care what you want.” He said then turned away from him.

Brian came up behind him and pulled him back against his chest roughly. He wrapped his arms around his waist and nipped at his ear.

“You should care Sunshine, I could easily go get it elsewhere.” Brian growled into Justin’s ear.

At one time those words would have cut right through Justin, but not anymore. Though they never spoke about it, Justin knew Brian had not tricked in months, nor did he believe Brian wanted to.

It took him a while to get here, but here he was. Safe and secure in their relationship.

Justin responded to the taunt with a harsh laugh. “Yes, you could, so why are you still here?” He challenged knowing the harder to get he played, the harder Brian was going to fuck him.

Brian ran his hand down Justin’s leg until it covered Justin’s full erect cock.

“Because I can’t find “this”… He squeezed Justin’s cock for emphasis..

“In the back room of Babylon.” He said massaging Justin’s hard on.

Justin groaned, but was not about to give in so easily.

Once again he pulled away and turned to face Brian. “What about the Baths?” He goaded, taking a step back.

Brian reached out again and pulled him back to him. He was loving the cat and mouse game they were playing.

“Ah, the Baths…fond memories there Sunshine. Speaking of baths, how about you join me in that new fancy hot tub you had installed. We’ve only christened it about a dozen times. It’s still practically a virgin.” Brian suggested leaning forward to nip at Justin’s chin.

Justin let out a small moan...”Hmmm… Sorry, but no time. You have to be at the club in less than an hour.” Justin used the excuse to once again deny Brian.

“Fuck that.” Brian said hoarsely and backed Justin up to the couch and unceremoniously pushed him down over the armrest.

Justin didn’t expect the sudden move.

He squealed out Brian’s name as he lost his balance and fell back onto the couch. He went to roll off of the couch but wasn’t quick enough.

“ ….Oomph!” The air rushed from Justin’s lungs as Brian threw himself down on top of him.

Brian grabbed Justin’s wrists and pinned them over his head.

Justin’s chest rose and fell rapidly in his excitement.

“You were saying?” Brian asked rotating his cock against Justin’s while kissing the side of his neck.

 

“Um, I was…we… ohhhhhh….” Justin closed his eyes and gave in to the feelings Brian was evoking.

“Mine.” Brian murmured in victory against Justin’s soft skin.

Justin smiled at Brian’s words. Oh yes, his Lion was happy now. He stalked, pounced and captured his prey. Now he was going to enjoy the spoils of his conquest.

Brian released Justin’s wrists sensing his surrender and freed him from the confines of his pants leaving Justin naked and vulnerable beneath him.

Brian then straddled his lover and looked down at him as he lay wantonly on the couch under him. He loved seeing Justin like this. Totally open to him, trusting and giving.

God he was beautiful, the humbling thought struck him. As beautiful as that first time he took him home…

Brian smiled at the memory and reached between his legs to take hold of Justin’s cock. He gently started massaging him.

“So, what do you like to do?” He asked raising his eyebrow at Justin.

Justin arched his hips and moaned deeply in response.

Brian stopped his movements. Justin looked up at him, wondering why he stopped.

“Well?” Brian asked, now raising both his eyebrows, as if expecting Justin to know what the fuck he was talking about.

Justin’s eyes narrowed in confusion.

“What?” He asked.

“I asked you, “What do you like to do?” Brian repeated.

It took only a minute before it hit him what Brian was doing. A wide grin spread across his face.

Brian smiled back and continued his careful ministrations on Justin’s beautiful cock.

“Um, do? I don’t know. I like watching TV, and playing Tomb Raider.” He said, replaying their first night together in his head.

“Hmmm…Interesting. But I meant in bed.” Brian responded in kind.

Brian was masturbating him so expertly, Justin felt just like he did that first night. It was taking all his control not to cum.

“Oh, well this is nice.” He practically purred.

Brian licked his lips as he leaned over to stare in Justin’s eyes.

“So are you a top, or bottom?” He asked.

“Top…and Bottom.” He said then laughed at his own answer. Though it was a lie at the time, things had changed a lot since then. He both bottomed and topped now.

“Oh, so you’re versatile then.” Brian said tongue in cheek. He was holding back his own laugh.

“And ambidextrous.” Justin replied. “Which is so confusing cause I never know which hand to throw with.” Justin played along.

Brian chuckled at that. “It’s a good thing then that you had a shirt in each hand when you decided to throw them at me.”

Justin started laughing, giddy with the moment. It was infectious and Brian started laughing with him.

Each were enjoying the easy manner in which they transitioned from one emotion to the other, without ever losing their connection. They truly had come such a long way…

“Hey..” Justin said once their laughter subsided.

“Hmmm… “Brian answered and started massaging Justin’s cock again.

“Do you remember what you asked me that night? Right after you stripped in front of me? Which by the way I thought was not only the bravest thing I ever saw, but the coolest.” Justin said smiling.

“I remember asking you if you liked special K.” Brian answered.

“Yeah, I remember that too, but it was what you asked me right before I walked into your arms I’m talking about.” Justin said.

Brian stilled his motions and stared intently into Justin’s eyes as memories of that night flooded him.

He knew exactly what question Justin was referring to.

“Are you coming or going?   
Or cumming, then going?…  
Or cumming and …. Staying…..”

Brian fucking Kinney NEVER asked a trick if they were staying. Ever.

He remembered being shocked at his own words at the time, yet also being very afraid of the answer. As if it should matter either way what the kid said.. But it did.

Though he he’d never admit it back then, not even to himself, the reason why he asked Justin the unthinkable was because he saw hope in Justin’s eyes. Not Justin’s hope, but the reflection of his own hope and it scared the shit out of him.

Brian never dared to hope. Hope was a dangerous thing. Hope could drive a man insane.

But there it was. Unmistakable and in some twinks eyes staring right back at him, mocking him.

He needed to know. Was it real? Or was it some cruel irony, an illusion that the fates had bestowed upon him? Could Andy’s vision all those years ago be his salvation?

Justin must have seen the desperate need to ‘know’ in Brian’s own eyes so he answered him the only way he knew to how to at the time.

He came to him freely and with no fear and gave himself up totally to Brian.

Brian knew that very first night that Justin was not going to leave him. Ever. Though he tested that theory over and over again, being the consummate cynic that he was, he still knew it.

 

Brian leaned over and kissed Justin full on the mouth, pouring all his love and commitment into him. Conveying the irrefutable hope he had in his heart for them, and their future.

When he finally pulled away, there were tears in his eyes.

“Thank you for staying.” He said.

Justin reached up and cupped his face in his hands.

“As if I ever had a choice. You should know by now there is nothing, no one that can drive me away from you. Not even you…” Justin said, tears shinning in his own eyes.

Brian put his tongue in his cheek. “So I’ve learned.” He said then proceeded to make love to his Sunshine, for that was what Justin truly was. The light to his darkness. His ray of hope… his Sunshine…

It took a long time getting here, but here he was. Safe and secure in their relationship and ‘hopeful’ for their future.

Little did he know that fate was about to once again intervene and test that hope.

 

**************************************************************************

 

“To Babylon 7!” The guys lifted their drinks and toasted each other.

“I can’t believe we’re actually owners now!” Michael exclaimed.

“I can’t believe all the renovations were actually done in just under two months.” Ted added.

“I can’t believe I didn’t end up slitting my wrist over all the demands Brian put on me in decorating the VIP lounge.” Emmett complained.

“I can’t believe I let a fucking queen like you decorate the place.” Brian threw back.

“I can’t believe that right now I’d give my left tit to be a gay man. Wow these guys are hot!” Cynthia said. She had joined the party of 7 just moments ago. She flew in from New York for the grand opening. Brian was surprised and very happy she did.

“Well I CAN believe how wonderful it’s turned out! Emmett and Brian working together on the theme for the new and improved “Babylon 7”, was nothing short of genius. Look at this place! People will be coming from all over the state, hell, from all over the world, to experience all this place has to offer. The VIP room alone has 36 members already signed up!” Justin boasted.

“I have to admit Brian, that was a brilliant idea. I didn’t think it would work at first, with the cost for membership being so high, but I was wrong. Apparently lots of gay business men out there are wiling to pay $10,000 a year membership dues to have a special place to go to for dinner, drinks, and um, other entertainments…” Ben added.

Brian smiled. When Ben had come to him with his idea that they all become partners, he jumped on it. Babylon was theirs, as well as his. They all had a special connection with the place. He was even more thrilled at their suggestion that Brian run the place, and they be silent partners.

Brian insisted that Emmett help him decorate it though. For all Emmett’s personal outrageous tastes in décor, he had an eye for matching design to the client. It was what made him an excellent event planner. He always managed to create exactly what the client envisioned.

He told Emmett his vision for Babylon 7, renamed because of the 7 new owners, Him, Justin, Mikey, Ben, Ted, Emmett and James; and Emmett had magically, (probably with the help of some fairy dust) transformed the place into a palace.

 

Babylon 7 was now a true Mecca for gay men of all social and economical means.

The downstairs remained pretty much the same except for some upgrades to stage and lighting, and some “perks” Brian had installed. The go go boys now danced in cages that sat on hydraulic platforms that rose and fell in beat to the music. The catwalk was extended so that it encircled the entire floor from above. And a juice bar was added for those clubbers who enjoyed the scene, but not the booze. Also, the back room and bathrooms were cleaned up, and condoms were available in every fuckable corner of the place.

But it was the third floor of the club, which was previously used for storage that was the gem of their acquisition.

Brian had it transformed it into a private lounge/restaurant and of course, elegant back room complete with plush couches, secluded alcoves, and every sexual amenity you can think of, available to only VIP members. For a membership fee of ten grand a year.

It was extravagantly decadent, resembling a sheik’s harem. Only the most beautiful men worked the top floor of the establishment. Brian had hired a young PR major straight out of college to manage it. His name was Brandon and he exemplified every gay man’s fantasy. Posh, elegant, intelligent and fucking sexy as hell.

Justin had insisted on being in on every meeting Brian had with the walking golden god, much to his amusement, though he had nothing to worry about. Not that Brian wasn’t tempted, but Brandon’s managerial and PR skills were too valuable to risk losing over a fuck with the boss. Besides, these days there was only one golden boy that held his interest….

All in all, he was very satisfied with how the place turned out.

“I can’t believe we are actually going to make some serious money from this investment!” Michael exclaimed.

Brian shot him an offended look. “When have I ever undertaken a project that didn’t turn a profit?” He said.

Michael had the good grace to blush. “It’s not that, everyone knows you’re an entrepreneur genius, You’ve had your own agency for only a short time and you’ve already opened up another office in NY!” Michael amended.

“ A very successful NY office.” Cynthia boasted being CEO of Kinnetik NY.

“With you at the helm, I’m not surprised.” Michael said smiling.

“It’s just that when Ben and I agreed to invest, we only did so because we wanted Babylon..”

“Babylon 7.” Ted corrected.

Michael shot him a look. “Ok, Babylon 7, to stay open so that there’ll always be a place for young gay men to go and feel at home. We never expected to make money off of it. It wasn’t our intent.” Michael said.

“Nice save Mikey.” Ted jibbed.

“Well it was my intent. I know Brian’s business savvy, and was confidence my investment would pay off.” James supplied the compliment and lifted his glass to Brian in acknowledgement of his achievement.

“Please, you’re making his head swell more, if that’s even possible.” Shane said.

She was leaning back against Adam who was sitting on a barstool. She was comfortably ensconced between his legs, as he idly stroked her protruding belly.

“Speaking of swelling, good lord child you look like you’re about to burst any minute! When are you due?” Emmett asked.

“She’s still got 3 months.” Adam answered.

“Same as Lucy.” Justin said.

Just three more months… The excitement was building every day in their house. Everyone was thrilled and anxious about the new arrival. The kids were all gearing up for the ‘event’. Justin knew they were planning some sort of baby shower but he couldn’t get any information out of them.

It was amazing how much they had all bonded over the past several months. He knew it had much to do with them all helping Jagger through his recovery. But it was arrival of a new baby that truly brought them together as a ‘real’ family. The baby represented the connecting link that bonded them all together. Their new sibling was the common denominator in their makeshift family.

“Speaking of Lucy, isn’t that her with Rena?” Ben said looking towards the club’s entrance where Rena, John, Robert and a very pregnant woman just entered.

All men turned to look.

“Fuck! She shouldn’t be out this late in her condition!” Brian said.

“Hey! Why is her condition any different than mine?” Shane asked perturbed.

Brian shot her a look. “Because you eat fucking nails for breakfast. Lucy is much more delicate.” He said.

Shane turned to her husband. “Was that a compliment or insult?” She asked.

Adam laughed. “Probably both.” He said.

“I didn’t know Robert was coming.” Ted said eyeing John’s brother.

“Hmmm.. down boy. You’re starting to drool.” Emmett teased.

Rena approached her brother and threw her arms around him.

“This place is fucking amazing!” She said.

“Congratulations. You’re going to make a mint here you know.” John said embracing both he and Justin.

“Thanks. Lucy what are you doing here?” Brian asked pulling away from John.

“Oh stop, I’m fine. I couldn’t miss you’re grand opening!” She said and hugged him.

“I asked her to come with us. She’s fine Bean, stop being so over protective.” Rena scolded.

Justin walked over to Lucy and hugged her. He then stepped back and held her belly.

“Twins. I’m telling you I don’t care what the doctor says. We’re having twins.” Justin declared proudly.

Brian laughed. “Justin’s banking on double trouble.” He said.

“You had a sonogram didn’t you?” Shane asked.

“Yes. But Brian and Justin don’t want to know anything other than the health of the baby. They don’t want to know sex, or if there is more than one.” Lucy answered.

“But you know, right?” Rena asked.

Lucy smiled. “Yes I know. I knew before the sonogram.” She said.

Brian pulled a chair over for Lucy to sit.

“One hour, then I’m driving you home.” He said.

Lucy sat and sighed.

“Who’s watching the kids?” He asked.

“Jacqueline and Victoria are old enough to watch Elliot. You really are too over protective Brian.” She said.

“How is Elliot doing?” Rena asked.

“Oh he’s doing wonderful! The scars are all nearly gone now. The whole incident’ is nothing more than a bad memory at this point. I can’t tell you how happy I am.” Lucy said.

“That’s great.” Rena said smiling down at the woman.

“Speaking of kids, who’s watching your brood Bri?” Michael asked.

“They don’t need baby sitters. Lizzy is 16, Peter is 14 and Jagger is fucking 13 going on 40. Johnny is the baby at 10 and Lucy is certainly old enough to watch him. Any way, Joan is at the house as well.” Brian said.

“Why is Joan at the house?” Michael asked.

“Haven’t you heard sweetie? Brian’s mother has moved in with them.” Emmett said.

“No fucking way! How come you didn’t tell me?” Michael asked his best friend.

Brian snorted. “Because it’s not true. She had a bad spell over the winter and it was much easier having her stay with us until she gets better then having to pay a nurse to watch over her. As soon as she’s on her feet again, she’s going back home.” Brian said.

Justin frowned. That was not going to happen. Joan was getting worse. Brian had moved her in because he didn’t want her to be alone. He couldn’t face the fact that she might not be with them much longer. Justin hoped she would live long enough to see their child be born. She talked about it every day. It was the one topic she and Brian could communicate on for hours at a time. Their baby wasn’t even here yet and was working miracles in healing all of them, in so many ways.

“Hey, there’s Lins and Mel!” Ted announced turning everyone’s attention to the new arrivals.

Lindsey walked up to Brian and Justin and gave them quick hugs, congratulating them both then went over to Lucy.

She bent down and put her ear to Lucy’s belly. “How’s the little darling doing today?” She asked.

Lindsey had surprised them all by her friendship with Lucy. She immediately bonded with the woman, knowing that her baby was Gus’s little sister or brother.   
She’d become a confident, and true friend to the woman. Even Mel felt an attachment to Lucy.

Brian and Justin couldn’t be happier. They were all going to be family. The new baby connected them all now, and Lucy would need their support once the baby was born. They knew it would be difficult for her to hand over the baby immediately after giving birth, but they all agreed it would be best. Mel and Lins would be there for her while she adjusted. Brian and Justin intended to keep Lucy in their lives. They simply were too attached to her and her children not to. But a separation period was needed first before they could come together again as a family.

The baby kicked in response to Lindsey’s question and she laughed.

“I see he has Brian’s temperament.” Mel said.

“And Justin’s appetite. I swear I’m hungry all the time!” Lucy said.

“Speaking of food…” Shane turned to her husband.

“Yeah, I know. McDonalds.” He said sighing.

“Well guys that’s our cue. Baby wants junk food again.” He said getting up and taking Shane’s hand.

“You guys leaving? We just got here.” Rena said.

“Sorry Re, but it’s almost midnight, and my warden here insists I be in bed by midnight.” Shane said.

“You should take Lucy home with you.” Brian said.

“No. I have a ride, thank you. Mark is picking me up.”

Her little disclosure brought several curious eyes upon her.

“Mark?” Justin was first to voice the question.

Lucy blushed.

“He’s a friend.” She answered.

“Oh girl, no way are you going to get off that easily! Dish!” Emmett said pulling up a chair and straddling it.

Brian sighed.

“Honestly, he’s just a friend. I met him through the school. He was Elliot’s advisor. We spent a lot of time together arranging tutors for Elliot to catch up on all the schoolwork he missed because of his surgeries. Then, after, well, we have a lot in common, so started going out. That’s all.” She said.

“What does ‘going out’ mean?” Brian asked ominously.

“Brian! That’s none of our business!” Justin said.

“That’s ok Justin. It’s a reasonable question. I understand your concern Brian. But there is no need. I would never do anything to jeopardize the baby’s health.” She said.

Brian nodded his head.

Justin was furious. It was beyond rude for Brian to ask such a thing. What Lucy did in her private life was her own business! They knew her well enough to know she took very good care of her body and their baby.

“Well then, as long as that’s settle, we’ll be leaving. I’ll call you in the morning Robert. There’s a case I’m working on I’d like you to look at if you don’t mind.” Adam said.

He’d been passing some clients off to Robert to lighten his load. He wanted to spend as much time with Shane as possible once the baby was born.

Robert signed his consent and they all said their good nights.

“So, tell me. Is this Mark guy hot?” Emmett turned his attention back to Lucy and the gossip.

“What do you say we all go to the VIP lounge? Mel and Lindsey haven’t seen it yet.” Brian suggested, changing the subject. He did not want to hear about Lucy’s love life. Especially not when she was carrying his and Justin’s baby.

James pushed away from the bar. “Great idea. Come on Em.” He commanded.

Emmett rolled his eyes. “I swear the mans a brute. Always ordering me around.” He complained then winked at Lucy. He got up and helped her to her feet.

“You know, maybe one day we can have dinner up there.” Ted asked Robert nervously.

Robert smiled and signed, “I’d love to.”

Ted surprised everyone by signing back “Great.”

“When the fuck did you learn to sign?” Brian asked.

Ted blushed. “I’ve been taking classes.” He admitted.

Robert smiled. “Well I’m very glad.” He signed. Ted signed back that he was glad too.

“Taking the initiative… Way to go Theodore. About time. ” Brian teased.

“Honey you’d be surprised at how well Ted can take the initiative when he wants to.” Emmett defended his friend.

“Yeah, like the time he got the Sparkle account. Took great ‘initiative’ to land that one.” Cynthia teased referring to Ted’s ‘bathroom conference’ that landed the account.

“Ok, enough.” Ted said stopping the round of gossip.

“I thought we were going up to the lounge?” He asked averting the attention away from him.

“Yeah, lets go! Wait till you see it! It’s amazing.” Michael said to Lindsey and Mel as they all headed towards the back elevator.

Rena grabbed Justin’s arm, holding him back as the gang went on ahead.

He gave her a curious look.

“What’s up?” He asked once everyone was out of earshot.

“I’ve got some great news.” She said.

Justin could see the shine in Rena’s eyes. Whatever it was, it had a very positive effect on her.

“What?”

John found a surgeon who thinks he can fix the damage to my uterus.” She said.

Justin beamed. “That’s great Re!” he said hugging her.

Rena hugged him back. “You know what this could mean, don’t you?” She asked pulling back from him.

Justin looked at her confused. “What?” He asked.

“It means I might be able to get pregnant, and carry the child full term.” She said.

Justin’s mouth dropped open. “OH MY GOD RE!! That’s wonderful!” He said throwing his arms around her and pulling her in for a tight hug.

“Brian is going to be so excited!” He said.

“Well I’m not going to tell him yet. I don’t want to get his hopes up. I want to wait to see how the procedure goes. The surgeon said he’ll know right away once he’s inside. I’m having the procedure tomorrow.” She said.

“Tomorrow! That soon?” Justin asked.

“Yeah that soon. By this time tomorrow Justin I could be fixed. All better, and then it will be over. Finally over.” She said, tears forming in her eyes.

“Oh Re, I’m so happy. But what about Brian? I mean, when are you going to tell him? I know it will ease the blow if you can fix the injuries Emilian caused before you tell him, but you what if, God forbid, the procedure doesn’t work? You still have to tell Brian.” Justin said.

Rena choked back her tears and adverted her eyes.

“That’s another thing I want to talk to about. Brian thinks I can’t have children, because of some defect I was born with. Whether or not this procedure works, I’m not going to correct that assumption Justin. I’ve decided I’m not going to tell him. Ever.” She said, hoping Justin would understand.

“No fucking way Rena! You can’t hold something like that from him forever! It’s dishonest, and I won’t be a part of it!” Justin fumed.

“Justin listen to me. I’ve spent hours agonizing over this decision. Let me ask you something. What good will telling him do? It won’t help me. I’ve dealt with the rape in therapy. It’s MY issue. It most certainly won’t help Brian. In fact, telling him would only hurt him, and me! He’ll feel guilty and betrayed. It will only cause him pain. Is that what you want?” She said.

She saw doubt in Justin’s eyes so she decided to press forward. “Justin you have to listen to me! You can’t ever tell him. You have a baby on the way for God sakes! Do you want cause him pain now? Just when his life it finally good? When he finally has love and trust back in his life? You know how he’ll react. Think of your family Justin. You have to do what’s best for them.” She urged.

Justin turned away from her, angry and confused. Angry with himself because he should have told Brian back in New York. Then they would have been past it by now. But he didn’t, he listen to Rena trusting that she would tell him and now, now she was right. It was too late. Telling him now would only hurt him, bad. He would not get over this kind of betrayal, and Justin knew that was exactly how Brian would view it. As a betrayal.

He had to think of what was best for their family. And damn her, but she was right. He would not tell Brian. He couldn’t do that to him, to them, to their children.

He turned back to Rena. “We take it to our graves then.” He said.

Rena sighed in relief.

“But don’t think I’m happy about this. You should have told him back in New York. Like you promised me you would. We better pray he never finds out Re. Because if he does, it will be a million times worse then if we told him to begin with.” Justin predicted.

Rena lowered her head in shame. Justin was right. She should have told him, but how could she when she couldn’t face it herself? It took months of therapy to deal with it, and heal. Now that she was able to discuss it with her brother, she couldn’t’ because it was too late.

Justin turned from her and headed towards the VIP lounge. She watched his retreating form with a heavy heart.

“Dear God, please don’t let this come back to bite us in the ass.”

She silently prayed then followed Justin.


	75. The Painful Truth

"Of all the people there could be, you had to tell your lies to me  
Of all the people there could be, it had to be you.

You don't feel the hurt like I do  
You don't feel betrayed the way I do  
You don't feel the hurt like I do  
So don't say to me you've been there too.

Don't talk to me about living a lie  
Because misery is more than just a tear in the eye"

~ “Hurt” by Mesh

 

 

Justin took his jacket off and laid it on the vacant stool next to him. The diner was unusually quiet for this early hour. He smiled when he saw Deb approach him. She always took the early shifts. God he hated those shifts, the tips were lousy, and the customers grumpy.

“Hey Sunshine! What are you doing up so early? I heard that shin dig you guys threw last night was a woozy.” Deb said from behind the counter.

She grabbed the steaming glass coffee pot and poured Justin a cup of dark the brew.

“Thanks Deb, the party was great. We missed you and Vic. How is he?” Justin asked taking a sip of the hot strong liquid. He made a face and added several more spoons of sugar. Jesus the coffee here was always strong, and bitter. No wonder Brian got into the habit of using so much sugar. You needed it just to choke this stuff down.

Deb snorted indignantly. “Better now no thanks to those assholes down at the pharmacy. I can’t believe they gave him the wrong medication! He could have died you know. Adam said he was looking into what happen. He thinks we may have a law suit.” She said.

Vic had gotten sick yesterday morning unexpectedly. Deb had to rush him to the hospital. Apparently, the pharmacist had mixed up his meds with someone else’s. They had to pump Vic’s stomach. The doctors said he’d be fine, but it really shook up Deb and she opted to stay home with him last night. Vic was still too weak from having his stomach pumped to go to their grand opening.

“Well thank God he’s alright. We were all worried.” Justin said.

Deb smacked her gum and poured herself a cup of coffee.

“Yeah. He’s a tough old geezer. Runs in the family.” She said smiling.

“So, what brings you here this early? And alone?” Deb asked with an intuition only a mother could have.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I took a walk.” He answered.

Deb eyed him suspiciously.

“Long walk isn’t it? Where’s Brian?” She asked.

“He’s sleeping.” Justin answered shrugging his shoulders.

Deb put the pot of coffee down and leaned her elbows on the counter, bringing her face close to Justin’s.

“Come on, spill. What’s wrong?” She asked.

Justin smiled weakly.

“That obvious huh?” He asked.

“Sweetie I’ve known you long enough to know when something’s bothering you. Usually I could sum it up in one word. Kinney. But the past few months you two really got your shit together, so now I’m at a loss. Has something changed? Are the kids putting too much pressure on your relationship? You know that can happen, it’s normal. You just got to work it through.” She said.

Justin laughed. Here Deb was already giving advice not even knowing what the problem was. You had to love her, she was always so eager to help those she regarded as her family. And Justin considered himself very lucky to be amongst that elite few.

It was why his feet found their way here to the diner when he went out for a walk earlier. He didn’t know where he was going, he just needed to think so he slipped out of bed when Brian was sleeping and ended up here, an hour later.

“Kids are great Deb. It’s not that.” He said.

Deb smacked her gum again. “Ok, so what is it?” She asked.

 

Justin sighed. “You know Deb, I think you know Brian better than anyone. Including me and Rena.” Justin said.

“I don’t know about that. I think we all know him well enough, in our own ways. I know the boy. You know the man. Big difference.” She said.

“Is there? I mean, Brian still carries the young boy inside of him. He always will.” Justin mused.

“True, but the boy is only a small part of the man he’s become. And Sunshine, no one knows that man better than you. It’s downright scary at times, the connection you two have.” Deb pointed out.

Justin frowned.

“Sweetie, what’s on your mind?” She asked, getting more concerned by the moment.

“Can I ask you a question Deb?” Justin asked.

“Of course. You know I’ll answer honestly.” Deb said.

“Knowing Brian as you do, seeing first hand all the pain he went through, if you could, would you betray his trust in order to avoid causing him more pain?” Justin asked.

Deb whistled low, shocked at the question.

“Wow. What the fuck is going on?” She asked.

“Please Deb, I can’t say, I just need your honest opinion on this. You and Mikey saw how he was when he came back from New York. I can’t ask Mikey, you know he’ll go right to Brian. I trust you to keep this conversation confidential. I just need to know what would you do?” Justin asked in a barely controlled voice.

This whole situation with Rena was taking its toll on him. He was in an impossible situation and needed some validation that he was making the right decision.

Deb squished her face up in concentration. The kid had a big problem on his hands and though she didn’t know the details, she knew what Justin was asking. Should he lie to Brian in order to protect him from getting hurt?

“Well honey, as a mother, I would do anything to protect Mikey and Brian.” Deb said.

He suspected she’d say as much but Justin didn’t feel the relief he thought he would at her response.

“But…” She said leaning forward looking from side to side to make sure no one was with in hearing distance.

“Brian is not your son. He’s your lover, your partner. Honey life is painful at time. Brian knows that. He’s been through so much. Losing Andy, then Rena, living on the streets, you getting bashed, him getting shot, but you know what? He survived, and he’s stronger because of it and because of you. The day you walked into his life Sunshine I saw a new man emerge. You give him hope. He trusts you.” Deb put her hand over Justin’s on the counter.

“Life can be a bitch at times, Brian knows that and accepts its. He’s pretty much learned how to survive most any shit life throws at him. But if he should ever feel you abused his trust? Well, that I’m not so sure he’ll survive.” She said in what Justin could only describe as sage motherly advice.

She was right. He had to tell Brian. He could not live the rest of his life feeling like he betrayed Brian’s trust by holding something this personal, and tragic from him.

Deb had a way of clearing away all the bullshit to get to the heart of the matter. He did know Brian, the man, and the man would not forgive him if didn’t tell him about Rena’s rape. As it was, he was going to receive hell for holding it back this long, but Justin hoped Brian would understand why he did. He still believed it was Rena’s place to tell him.

“Fuck.” Justin said knowing what he had to do, but not liking it.

“Oh come on Sunshine, nothing is as bad as it seems.” Deb said.

“This one’s pretty bad Deb.” He said then stood up and leaned over the counter. He planted a big kiss on her cheek.”

“Thanks.” He said then grabbed his coat.

“For what?” She asked.

“For always knowing exactly the right thing to say.” Justin said giving her one of his million watt smiles.

Deb laughed. “Yeah, well sometimes my big mouth gets me into trouble. You really don’t need me or anyone else to tell you how to handle that man of yours. Trust your instincts. They’ve always worked for you before.” She said.

“I will.” Justin said. He was going to do just that.

“You going to be ok?” Deb asked as Justin stood to leave.

“Eventually.” He said then left the diner.

The sun shone brightly high in the sky. Justin lifted his face to embrace the warmth it offered and took a deep breath.

His chest felt both light and heavy at the same time. Light for he had made a decision he could live with. Heavy because it would be a long time before any of them would heal from this.

His pocket vibrated pulling him from his thoughts as his cell went off.

He took it out and flipped it open.

“Hey, where are you?” Brian asked.

“I took a walk and ended up at the diner.” Justin said.

“Long walk. Are you ready to tell me what’s wrong yet?” Brian asked.

Justin didn’t even bother to deny it. Brian had known something was wrong all night. He kept asking Justin, but Justin kept pushing him off. He didn’t want to ruin the night.

“Yeah.” Justin said, his voice sounding utterly dejected.

“You’re scaring the shit out of me. I’m coming to get you.” Brian said.

“No, don’t. Let me walk home. We’ll talk when I get there. I’m fine, we’re fine, the kids are fine, every one is fine. Just give me this time, ok?” Justin said.

Brian paused on the other end. Something was bothering his boy, and it was breaking his heart not being able to help him. It wasn’t like Justin to shut him out when he had a problem. But there was nothing he could do until Justin was ready to talk to him. He’d just have to wait.

“Ok.” Brian said.

“Justin…”

“Yeah?”

There was a long pause….

“I love you.” Brian said.

Justin choked back a sob.

“I love you too.” He said.

Justin put his cell back in his pocket then turned to walk home. His mind and heart were consumed with despair.

He was about to do the one thing he never thought he’d do in a million fucking years.

Knowingly hurt the love of his life…

****************************************************

Brian hung up the phone and headed downstairs.

It was Saturday morning and all the kids were home. He could hear the TV blaring as he descended.

“I knew it was a mistake to get surround sound.” He grumbled as he reached the bottom step. He then turned and headed towards the kitchen.

“Cousin Brian, what are you doing up this early?” Lizzy said approaching him from behind the kitchen island.

Brian opened his arms to hug her. “I thought I smelled pancakes.” He said.

Lizzy hugged him back then shot him a doubtful look. “From the loft? I don’t think so.” She said.

Brian laughed. She was right. The loft, though connected to the rest of the house, and accessible by inside stairs, was an entity un to itself. There was a buzzer, and intercom system connecting them to the two bottom floors so they were always available to the children. But Brian had Justin keep the separate entrance to the elevator that gave them private access in and out of the building without having to go through the rest of the house.

They intended to keep the loft their private sanctuary, so that they could maintain their sanity. Having five kids in the house, and one on the way, could be a little daunting at times; it was nice to have a place they could escape to.

 

“So no pancakes?” Brian teased. He knew Lizzy loved to cook pancakes on the weekends.

“Don’t be silly. Of course there are pancakes.” She said and went off to get him a cup of coffee.

 

“I don’t fucking care what you say. I’m not watching that shit.”

Brian heard Jaggers unmistakable voice.

“Well I’m not watching your shit either. So deal.” Came Peter’s reply.

Brian walked into the living room to find the boys playing tug of war with the TV remote.

 

“Fuck TV. Go read a book.” Brian said grabbing the remote from them.

Each boy made a face at him.

“I read one of those once. Highly overrated in my opinion.” Came Jaggers sarcastic reply.

Peter laughed.

“Where’s Johnny?” Brian asked looking around the room.

“He’s in the library. He’s got a report or some shit due Monday and tomorrow he has a game, so today is the only day he has to work on it.” Peter said.

“You two misfits should take a cue from him.” Brian said and threw the remote onto the coffee table after turning the TV off. He then turned to walk back into the kitchen. The boys followed.

Lizzy handed him his coffee. He thanked her and carried it over to the dinning room table.

“So how was the party?” Jagger asked pulling a chair out to join him. Peter did the same on the other side of the table.

“It was great. Your “aunty Em,” danced until he dropped. James had to literally carry him out of there.” Brian teased.

The boys laughed.

“Where’s Justin?” Peter asked.

“He went out for a walk. He’ll be home soon.” Brian said.

Lizzy brought a plate of pancakes over to Brian and placed them in front of him.

“Hmmm.. These smell great Liz. Blueberry?” He asked picking up his fork.

“Yip. Your favorite.” She said smiling.

“She’s kissing up Cuz. You guys left last night without giving her an answer. The pancakes are a bribe.” Jagger said with a candor that was pure Brian.

 

“Shut up Jag! I’d think you’d have enough to worry about without sticking your nose in my business!” Lizzy said. A disapproving look fell over her face.

Brian’s eyebrow rose.

“Something I should know about Jag?” He asked in an ominous tone.

“No!” Jagger replied hastily.

“Hey dude, might as well spill. You know he’s going to find out soon enough anyway.” Peter said.

Brian put his fork down on the table.

“Jagger what have you done?” Brian asked.

Jagger was doing very well these days. Brian was surprised he would risk fucking up at this point. He and Justin bought him a guitar as kind of a reward for his one-month sobriety anniversary. Lizzy had told them that their mother owned a guitar (it was the only thing she never hocked to get drugs) and that Jagger often played it.

As it turned out, Jagger was a very talented musician. He found a band that needed a guitar player and he auditioned. They loved him and wanted him to join the group. The problem was, they were much older, 18-21 and played weekends in nightclubs. Brian and Justin consented to let Jagger join the band provided he stayed in school and keep his grades up. They talked to each band member; and found them to be stand up guys. They promised to keep an eye on Jagger.

The situation was working for Jagger. He loved performing, and he was staying clean. Brian couldn’t fathom what the boy did to jeopardize their agreement. .

“Fuck you Peter!” Jagger spat.

Peter laughed. “Actually I wasn’t the one fucking.” He replied.

“When the fuck did cursing become acceptable in this house?” Brian demanded in an angry tone.

All three kids looked at him stunned and then broke out laughing.

Brian had the good grace to blush at his own faux pas.

“Ok, point taken. Jagger just tell me what happened.” Brian said.

“I got caught fuc.. having sex with a Senior in the coach’s office.” Jagger said defiantly.

Brian nearly choked. Jagger was in tenth grade, having skipped two grades. He was tall for his age and most kids thought he was 16 or 17, not many suspected he was only 13, well 14 in a month. And even though Jagger had tricked for a while after his mother died, he really had very little experience with sex, other than giving the occasional blowjob to score money or drugs.

“First, how the fuck did you get into the coach’s office, and second, did you use a condom?” Brian asked.

Lizzy made an exasperated sound.

“See, Justin needs to be here. That’s not what you should be telling him cousin Brian! You should be telling him he should NOT be having sex at his age, AND in school!” Lizzy said.

Brian snapped his eyes to her. “A little late to be giving that speech now, isn’t it?” Brian challenged.

Lizzy folded her arms and glared at him. Brian had to hold his laugh in. She looked so much like Justin right now.

“What I want to know is was it a girl or boy? You never said.” Peter asked.

“Don’t worry Pete, you’re not the only straight kid in this house. God has a wonderful sense of humor. He blessed Justin and I with all straight children.” Brian lamented.

Jagger laughed. “Ah, don’t despair cuz. You still got a shot with Gus. And the new baby.” He said.

“We can only hope.” Brian sighed.

“So am I going to get a phone call from the principal?” Brian asked.

“Um, not exactly. You see it was the coach who caught us, and he’s the girls dad.” Jagger said.

“Fuck.” Brian said.

Of course the coach wasn’t going to tell the school that his “senior” daughter was having sex with a 13-year-old boy. They would most likely expel her. Still, the farther had to be angry.

“He called several times last night while you were out Uncle Brian. I told him that you would call him today.” Peter offered.

“Great. How old is the girl Jagger?” Brian asked.

“18.” Jagger said.

“18! Fuck, that makes her an adult, legally. She could be charged with statutory rape. The father is probably worried I’m going to press charges!” Brian said.

Jagger made a snorting noise. “Please, as if I’d cop to it. No fucking way. She’s a sweet girl, and didn’t know how old I was. It’s my fault.” He said.

“You bet your ass it’s your fault! And you didn’t answer me, did you use a condom?” Brian asked the question again.

“Of course I did! Jesus, I wish I had a dime for every time you and Justin had that talk with me!” Jagger whined.

“Me too.” Lizzy added.

“Don’t let me get started on you young lady. Is Devil going with you and your friends to NY?” Brian asked, turning the subject to her request to go to the concert in NY.

“His name is Devin!” Lizzy snapped.

“Whatever.”

“And no, it’s only us girls. And we’ll be staying with Melissa’s aunt.” Lizzy’s tone was firm.

“Well as soon as I talk to Melissa’s aunt, I’ll let you know if you can go. And I’ll talk to her after I call this poor girls father. You got his number Pete?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, I’ll get it. His name is Frank.” Peter said getting up from the table to retrieve the phone number.

Brian picked his fork up again and took a bite of his pancakes while he waited for Peter to return.

Lizzy brought over the portable phone and a piece of paper with Melissa’s aunt’s number on it and placed them on the table next to his plate.

“There. Call her.” She said.

Brian chewed and swallowed his food. “Can I get a fucking break here?” He said taking a sip of his coffee.

Jagger laughed.

Brian glared at him. “This is NOT a funny situation Jagger. You were not honest with that girl. She must feel horrid.” Brian said.

“Um, I don’t think so. Actually, she felt pretty good about it.” Jagger said tongue in cheek.

Brian glared at him.

“Bri, come on man, you can’t blame me. You have to see her, she’s fucking hot.” Jagger said.

“Dude you’re wasting your time. He thinks Justin is hot.” Peter ribbed his uncle returning to the table with the phone number.

Peter had come a long way in healing from his own wounds. He was very much at home, and comfortable with Brian and Justin’s relationship, and with his place in their little makeshift family. Justin had done wonders with him, and with all the kids. He was an amazing parent, unlike Brian, who was barely winging it. Justin was nurturing and patient with the children. Brian was grateful one of them had a handle on this parenting thing. He noticed that when Justin was away, they all took to ‘parenting’ him. He had to smile at that. Justin had them well trained.

“Justin IS hot.” Brian said smiling at his own wayward thoughts.

“Hey, I’d do him. If he wasn’t my cuz.” Jagger teased.

Brian glared at him.

“You need to stop ‘doing’ anyone!” Brian said.

“Ok, let him eat his pancakes. Then he’ll make the phone calls.” Lizzy ordered.

She always had a way of taking control of the family when they got out of hand. A skill Brian wished he could acquire.

Brian finished his pancakes then made the calls. He confirmed the arrangements with Melissa’s aunt and gave his consent to Lizzy to go to the concert then he called Frank, the girls’ father.

That conversation went better then he thought. They pretty much both agreed their kids’ behavior was irresponsible at best. Brian assured the man he wasn’t going to press charges and that he would keep Jagger away from his daughter.

That seemed to pacify him.

When he hung up the phone he notice an hour had went by since his phone call with Justin. He should be home any minute.

 

“Ring, Ring…”

The phone rang, Brian ran to get it thinking it was Justin.

“Hey.”

Fuck, John silently cursed. He was hoping Justin would answer the phone.  
Well, it couldn’t be helped now. He needed help.

“Hey Brian, it’s me. Listen Robert was in a car accident.” John’s frantic voice came over the line.

“Shit! Is he ok?” Brian asked.

“I think so. He’s conscious, but it looks like he may have a broken leg, and maybe a couple of bruised ribs. None of the paramedics can sign, and he’s too shook up to read their lips. I need to go with him to the hospital.” John said.

“You want me to meet you there?” Brian asked.

“No, actually I need another favor.” John hesitated.

“No problem, what do you need?” Brian said.

“Rena is having a small procedure done today at Mercy hospital and I was suppose to meet her there. I don’t’ want her going through it alone. Can you or Justin maybe be there for her?” John said, hoping Justin would go.

“What kind of procedure?” Brian asked suddenly concerned. Rena didn’t mention anything to him about having a medical procedure done.

“Fuck Bri, she didn’t want you to know. She wanted it to be a surprise. We found this surgeon who thinks he can fix Rena’s problem so she’ll be able to have children. It’s a minor procedure. Out patient surgery. She wanted to wait to see if it worked before telling you. Can Justin go? I really don’t want to ruin her surprise.” John asked.

Brian smiled on the other end of the phone. His heart swelled. Rena refused to talk to him about her condition, but he knew his sister well enough to know it bothered her a lot not being able to have children. He hoped this procedure worked.

“I’m sure he would, but he’s not home. Don’t worry, I’ll go. I’ll tell her what happened with Robert and that you asked me to fill in. It will be fine. I’ll tell her you told me she was having some minor cosmetic work done. She’ll buy it. Everyone knows her vanity nearly rivals my own.” Brian said half joking.

“No one is as vain as you bro.” John teased.

“But yeah, that will work. Thanks man. I’ll keep you posted on Robert. Oh, and can you call Ted?” John asked.

Brian knew Ted would want to be at the hospital. He really had it bad for Robert, though no one would suspect. He was playing it very cool, but Brian knew him too well. The man was in love.

“Sure no problem. Call me when you can. I’ll call you as soon as Rena’s procedure is done.” He said.

Brian hung up the phone and grabbed his leather jacket.

 

“Lizzy, I have to go to out for awhile. You’re in charge.” He yelled out as he threw open the loft door.

A smile spread across his face as he came face to face with his blonde who stood on the other side.

“Hey…Come on. We have to be at the hospital.” Brian said grabbing Justin’s arm and turning him back around leading him out the building

“What’s up?” Justin asked startled at Brian’s behavior. Why did he look happy about going to the hospital?

“Rena is at Mercy hospital having some minor surgery done. John can’t be there, Robert got into car accident, so I said I’d fill in.” Brian explained as he unlocked the Vet and got inside.

 

Justin got into the passenger side and buckled up. “Wait, how is Robert?” Justin asked as Brian pulled out into the street.

“John said it looks like he has a broken leg, and maybe some bruised ribs. It doesn’t look too serious, but he’s pretty shook up. Fuck, call Ted and tell him.” Brian said.

Justin took out his cell and dialed Ted’s number.

A few minutes later he ended the call.

“Man Ted’s really freaked. He’s on his way to the hospital.” Justin said.

“Yeah, he really likes Robert.” Brian mused, his mind was on Rena.

Justin stole a sideway glance at Brian. He was afraid to ask how much Brian knew about Rena’s procedure. Last night Rena told him she wasn’t going to tell Brian until she had the results. Well, he had decided to tell Brian the truth. He wasn’t going to start lying now.

“So Robert told you about the procedure Rena’s having?” He asked.

Brian’s eyes snapped to him.

“You knew?” He asked.

Justin nodded. “She told me last night. She was very hopeful it would work and wanted to surprise you with the results.” He said honestly.

“Yeah, that’s what John said. Listen, I told John I wouldn’t ruin the surprise for her, so when we get there, I’m going to tell her that John told me she was having some minor cosmetic surgery. Hopefully the procedure worked, then she can tell me the good news herself.” Brian said smiling over at Justin.

Justin groaned inwardly. This was NOT the time to tell him. They had to be there for Rena first, make sure everything went fine with the procedure. Whatever the out come. Once he knew she was fine, he was going to tell him, and let the chips fall where they may.

He only hoped they didn’t all fall on his head…

 

****************************************************************

 

“The doctor will be out in a minute Mr. Kinney, you can wait in here for him.” The nurse said.

They had just arrived a few moments ago and were escorted to this small waiting room. Apparently, according to the liaison nurse, the surgery went fine, there were no complications and the doctor would be out shortly to talk to them. She gave no indication if the surgery was a success or not.

Brian paced the small room much like an expectant father. Justin sat on one of the small cushioned chairs with his hands in his lap, his own anxiety building, but for much different reasons.

Ten very long minutes later the doctor appeared.

Brian walked over to him extending his hand.

“Hi, I’m Brian Kinney, Rena’s brother.” Brian introduced himself.

“How is my sister?” He asked shaking the doctors hand.

The doctor smiled sadly and shook his head. “She’s fine. All things considering, it went well. It was not easy, but I believe the procedure worked. You have to understand Mr. Kinney, with that kind of extensive scarring, it was very difficult. I can’t give any guarantees. I haven’t seen damage like that since my days at the prison infirmary. The rapes committed there were almost as brutal.” He said.

Justin’s heart literally stopped for a split second in his chest before it began pounding again frantically against his breastbone.

He stood up abruptly. “Thank you doctor, can we see her now?” He tired to interject.

“Rape?” Brian’s voice came out devoid of emotion. Justin knew that voice. He grabbed Brian’s arm in a desperate attempt to get him out of there, quick.

“Come on Bri, we need to see Rena, NOW.” He said, his voice frantic.

Brian ignored him, his eyes locked in on the doctor.

“I thought you knew? I’m so sorry. I was informed that her finance knew, I just assumed…” The doctor trailed off suddenly very concerned for his own liability in reveling patient doctor confidentiality.

“Doctor, I have not seen my sister in over six years. Apparently, something happened during that time she did not tell me. I would appreciate any information you can give me that will help her.” Brian said in his dead calm voice.

The doctor blinked a few times. “Six years? The scarring I cleaned up was at least 15 years old, if not more. This did not happen with in the last six years.” The doctor explained figuring he already gave too much information away, the man might as well know the whole of it.

Brian’s face went white as his brain calculated the time. 15 years or more….

Emilian….

He stumbled back into Justin.

“Brian don’t. Let’s talk to Rena. You have to keep it together, for her sake.” Justin said holding onto Brian, preventing him from falling.

Brian turned to look at Justin, his eyes were unfocused, his mind was somewhere else.

FUCK! “Brian!” Justin shook him.

“Maybe I should get him a sedative. “ The doctor offered nervously.

“Where’s the bathroom?” Justin asked.

The doctor pointed to the room across the hall. Justin managed to get Brian into it. Once there, Brian reached for the toilet and threw up.

Justin wet some paper towels and wiped Brian’s forehead with them.

“Breathe Brian, breathe… We still need to see Rena. She is fine now. Focus on NOW!” Justin commanded.

Brian retched again. His body shook with the exertion. He sat back on his heels once he was done and wrapped his arms around his stomach as he howled out in pain.

Justin knelt down and held him tight, rocking him. His own tears spilling freely down his face.

“Shhh… its okay Brian. It’s going to be ok…” He chanted over and over.

Brian held on to him as heart-wrenching sobs consumed him.

 

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…….” Brian cried over and over again.

Justin lost it.

“I’m so fucking sorry Brian. Please, don’t. Please. Rena needs you, the kids need you, I fucking need you!” He said.

Brian heard Justin’s voice through his pain and pulled forth every ounce of strength he had to calm him self. He slowly pulled away from Justin and sat on the floor with his back against the cold tile.

Justin got up and wet some more paper towels. He handed them to Brian who took them and wiped the tears away from his face.

After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and pulled Justin down to him.

“How am I going to face her?” He asked, his voice sounding utterly broken.

“How can you not?” Justin countered.

“It’s not your fault Brian…”

Brian’s bitter laugh cut him off.

“Isn’t it? How could I have not known? Why didn’t she tell me?” Brian asked the questions only Rena could answer.

“Because she didn’t’ want you to know. She loves you unconditionally. She would rather die then tell you something that would cause you this much pain.” Justin explained as if he knew exactly how Rena felt.

Brian’s body stiffened.

“Tell me.” Brian said.

Justin pulled away from him and sat on the floor facing him.

“Emilian raped her.” He said the words Brian feared hearing. The words that were only spoken in his head up till this point.

Brian’s chest tightened painfully.

“When?” He asked, his mind not even registering that Justin knew…

“When your parents took you to NY. That week. You told her not to go near Emilian, but she didn’t listen. He was sleeping on the couch, and she picked up his night stick and struck him with it…”

“God noooooo!!!!!” Brian reached for the toilet and retched again.

Justin held on to him as he vomited, rubbing his back with small circles.

“Brian I’m so sorry! Please, you have to…”

Brian shoved him away and stood up. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and glared at Justin.

“HOW DO YOU FUCKING KNOW!!!!!” The accusation was clear in his tone and words.

Justin recoiled at the hurt, anger and betrayal he saw in Brian’s eyes.

“Rena told me.” He choked out, his voice hoarse from his own tears.

“When.” Brian asked numbly.

“In New York.” Justin revealed.

Brian swung around to face the wall and punched it. He cried out in pain and anger.

“WHY!!!!!! WHY!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!” He demanded as he pounded on the tiled wall. Justin saw blood trickle down from his knuckles.

He reached for him, putting his hand on his shoulder. Brian violently shook it off.

He swung back around to face Justin.

Justin took a step back.

“How could you???” He asked in a pained voice.

Justin looked into his eyes and thought he would die at what he saw in them.

“Oh God no, please, anything but this.. I can endure anything except this. Please God, don’t let him hate me..”

Justin earnestly prayed. But no words came out of his mouth. He was literally frozen in fear. Fear that he was going to lose Brian.

Brian pushed past him and walked out of the bathroom.

Justin followed noticing he was heading in the opposite direction of Rena’s room.

He was leaving the hospital.

Justin caught up to him.

“You can’t just leave!” He exclaimed.

Brian turned on him.

“Can’t I?” He said viciously.

Justin recoiled at the coldness of his words.

“No, you can’t. She needs you.” Justin held his ground.

“For what? I obviously couldn’t help her then, why the fuck would she need me now? She couldn’t even trust me to be honest with me. Nor could you for that matter.” He spat out through gritted teeth.

“I can’t leave?” He made a choking noise in the back of his throat.

“It’s the only thing I seem to do well.” He said then turned his back and left Justin standing in the hospital corridor.

Justin stood there crying, his body shaking with panic as he watched Brian’s retreating figure..

 

Rena…

He turned and headed to her room. Brian would not want him to leave Rena. He was just too upset to be thinking clearly right now, Justin told himself.

His feet made their way to her room. His mind and body were acting on autopilot at this point. He couldn’t think past getting to Rena’s room…

He wiped his eyes outside her door and tried to compose himself as best as possible.

He took a deep breath and opened the door to her room.

She was sitting up on the side of her bed when he entered.

“Hey.” He said.

Rena took one look at him and cried out.

“You fucking told him!”………….She said before collapsing back against the bed.


	76. A House Divided

"Love is whatever you can still betray ... Betrayal can only happen if you love."

~By John LeCarre

 

“Justin open this door!” Joan demanded.

She was standing on the top of the stairs that led to the loft, pounding on the door determined to speak to Justin. She had kept her silence for two weeks now and decided it was time to take action.

“Joan, leave him be. He’s dealing with this the best he can.” Emmett’s voice came from behind her.

Joan made a rude exasperated sound and turned to Emmett.

“This can’t go on much longer. Justin is a wreck, he barely leaves the loft, the kids are upset, and everyone is fighting. My son has to come back and get his house in order!” Joan said staunchly.

“Honey I agree, but he’s not ready to listen to reason. Just give it some more time. Tempers are still running high. “ Emmett advised.

 

Brian had flown off to NY two weeks ago after the truth of Rena’s rape was revealed. By now the whole family knew about it. Rena and Justin got into a major fight over it and were not on speaking terms.

Brian had no idea the havoc his sudden departure had caused in their family.

Things were very tense at home and everyone was walking on eggshells around each other.

Justin called, texted and emailed Brian several times a day for the past two weeks and had yet to receive a response. Each day that past with no word from Brian sent Justin into a deeper depression.

And from what James was telling Emmett, Rena was in no better shape. She too tried several times to contact Brian but he refused to talk to her as well. Before he left, he told both Rena and Justin that if they tried to come to NY to see him, he would take off to someplace where no one would find him.

If it weren’t for Cynthia, who kept in constant contact with Justin, they’d have no idea what was going on with Brian.

According to her, Brian didn’t leave the New York apartment for the first week after his arrival. Cynthia had a key to their place and went in several times a day to check on him and bring him food. Each time, she found him drunk, often passed out.

That first week was hell on Justin. He was literally going out of his mind with worry, and frustration. There was nothing he could do because he knew Brian would make good on his promise to take off should he or Rena show up on his doorstep in New York.

Thankfully, by the weeks end Brian had emerged from his self-imprisonment and went to work. He spent up to 16 hours a day at the New York office. After work he’d retire once again to the apartment to presumably drink.

Brian had asked Cynthia for the key to the apartment back so she really had no idea what he did with his evenings. All she knew was that he’d been showing up at work every day since making everyone’s life a living hell. He was driven like she’d never seen him. The good news was, they had landed 3 new accounts. Kinnetik New York was getting a lot of attention from some pretty high profile clients.

Emmett would relay this information to James, who would then tell Rena because Justin was not talking to Rena. He was hurt and angry with her for putting him in this position to begin with.

And in return James would share any information he had about Brian with Emmett, to relay to Justin, because Rena was not talking to Justin because she was still angry with him for giving up her secret. Though to be fair, she didn’t blame him totally, she blamed the stupid doctor and asked Adam to file a mal practice suit against him.

Emmett suspected James had been in contact with Brian because his information was a little more detailed, though neither broached the subject.

Being the ‘go betweens’ for Rena and Justin was putting a strain on his and James relationship. They barely saw each other and when they did, they ended up arguing over, or more accurately, taking sides in Justin and Rena’s quarrel.

Emmett of course was loyal to Justin and felt Rena had no right putting Justin in the position she did and that in doing so she jeopardized his and Brian’s relationship.

James, being oh so fucking loyal to Rena, disagreed harshly. He said that Rena trusted Justin with something so personal, and he betrayed her. He sounded more bitter than Rena. Emmett got the impression that James was a bit hurt over Rena trusting Justin and not him with her secret. Emmett tried to discuss this with him but was shut down. Needless to say, they were not having sex these days.

 

Shane and Adam were also caught in the middle of the whole mess. They were fighting over how best to deal with the matter at hand. Shane wanted to go to NY to confront Brian, but Adam felt Brian needed his space, and that she would only make matters worse. Their arguing got so bad that Shane moved out and was now living back at Rena’s.

The kids were even fighting with each other. Jagger and Peter were often bickering over their parents’ current situation. Jagger blamed Justin for Brian’s leaving and Peter blamed Brian for deserting his family. Though neither voiced this in front of Justin, they were very vocal about it when he wasn’t around.

And through it all, Deb, Mikey and Ben spent most their time shuttling between the two households trying to make peace.

Emmett was at his wits end. He was furious with Brian for taking off the way he did. Though he was grateful that he at least spoke to the kids before he left. They were the only real link anyone had to Brian. Where as everyone else failed, except for perhaps James, the kids were able to get him on the phone.

They called him every day. When they spoke to him they didn’t ask why he left or when he was coming home; they just talked about things like school, basketball, gigs and boyfriends.

Lizzy asked him the other night if he would be home in time for the baby’s birth. She posed the question in such a casual manner he doubted Brian even caught the significance of his answer. He told Lizzy he would most definitely be there for the baby’s’ birth. It was a good sign and gave Justin hope.

Emmett was amazed at how well the kids, especially Lizzy, handled their parents. Currently they were the only ones acting like adults.

Emmett turned his thoughts back to the problem at hand. Joan. She’d been so helpful during this whole time, but the woman was not well. The stress from this whole mess was taking its’ toll on her health and her health was poor, at best, to begin with.

“It will all work out, you’ll see. Come on downstairs. It’s almost diner time. He’ll come down. You know he never misses diner with the kids and Deb brought over Lasagna.” Emmett said and led Joan downstairs.

Joan reluctantly followed.

She had a little difficulty managing the stairs these days, as her condition was getting worse. At the last doctor’s visit, they put her on new medication they hoped would help slow down the progression of her illness. But being fucking Joan Kinney meant being stubborn as a mule and she refused to take the pills.

By the time they reached the bottom floor Joan was breathing heavy.

“Jesus Christ why did you let her walk up there by herself!” Deb asked Emmett rushing to Joan’s side seeing the condition she was in.

“Let her?! As if I could stop her! She’s as stubborn as her son!” Emmett exclaimed.

They led Joan over to the living room and sat her down in the overstuffed armchair.

“ Stop fussing! I’m not dying yet!” Joan wheezed out.

“Grandma are you alright?” Johnny ran to his grandmother’s side.

Joan managed a weak smile.

“Don’t you worry about me child. I’m just a little out of breath. I’ll be fine.” She rasped giving the boy a quick hug.

Deb frowned. “Well don’t attempt those stairs again!” She ordered.

“Psft! I’m not some old goat! And besides, someone has to talk sense into that boy!” She said.

“Really Joan, what do you expect him to do? He’s tried everything. Brian just isn’t ready to talk yet.” Emmett said.

“I expect him to stop moping around up there in the loft!” Joan said gaining the air back in her lungs.

“He’s not moping, he’s thinking.” Emmett corrected.

Both Deb and Joan made a rude sound.

“Bullshit. The boy is moping. Fucking Kinney. Um, sorry Joan.” Deb said.

“Don’t apologize. Believe me I know how stubborn my son can be. But Justin needs to snap out of it already. Life goes on.” Joan declared.

“And you say Brian is cold?! The love of his life just walked out on him! Have a heart!” Emmett scolded.

“Had one of those once. Nearly killed me. And it’s going to kill that boy if he lets it.” Joan said.

Deb shook her head. “Like Mother like son.” she mused out loud then went into the kitchen to get dinner on.

“What did I say?” Joan asked Emmett puzzled.

Emmett laughed. “Jesus Joan, I wonder if Brian realizes how much you two are alike?” He asked.

“Dinner’s on!” Deb yelled from the kitchen. She hit the intercom button to let Justin know.

The kids scrambled to get a seat at the table. Deb’s lasagna was the one thing they all agreed on.

A hush fell over the family as Justin walked into the dinning room.

His jaw was set, his spine stiff.

“I’m not moping Mother Kinney. I’m trying to figure out how to get that pig headed son of yours to talk to me. Now if you don’t mind, I’m hungry.” He said in a haughty manner that made Joan proud.

She smiled at him and passed him the lasagna.

Lizzy took her seat at the table and looked around for Jagger. She hadn’t seen him all day, and she knew he would NOT miss Debs lasagna.

“Oh no!” She breathed fearfully when she saw no sign of him.

“What’s the matter honey?” Deb asked coming around the table, concern heavy in her voice.

“Jagger’s gone. I think he ran off to see Brian.” She said.

Lizzy explained to the family that Jagger had threatened to go to NY to see Brian other day. He had enough money saved from the gigs he was playing to buy a bus ticket. Lizzy had thought she talked him out of it, telling him that it was best if Brian and Justin worked this out on their own, but apparently Jagger did not take her advice.

“Fuck!” Justin said and got up to call Brian, once again. He had to have left at least 100 messages over the past couple of weeks. He hoped he was listening to them at least.

The phone went directly to voice mail. No big surprise there.

“Brian, Jagger ran off. He’s probably on his way to see you. If you won’t call me, at least call Emmett, or James or our fucking cleaning lady for all I care but LET ME KNOW if he gets there alright.” Justin said then hung up.

It was the first angry message he had left since Brian took off and it felt good. He was tired of apologizing, explaining his actions and feeling guilty. He may not have made the wisest decision in not telling him about Rena’s rape but his decision was made out of love and if the fucking almighty Kinney couldn’t accept that well then… fuck him…

Ok, that felt good Justin thought, for a minute anyway. Who the fuck was he kidding? He had to make this right with Brian. Brian had every right to be hurt, on so many levels. He just felt so helpless not being able to talk to him.

Maybe Jagger running off was the best thing that could happen. It just might open the door to get them talking again.

He could only hope…

 

****************************************************

 

Brian walked through central park soaking in the sights, smells and sounds of the city. It was blissfully distracting. And distraction had been his sole objective since he got to the city.

The day Justin confessed to him his knowledge of Rena’s rape was still a blur. He left the hospital with no thought of where he was going, or what he was going to do. He just knew he needed to get away.

He arrived at the house to find all the kids home. He quickly made some bullshit excuse about some emergency at the New York office and that he needed to take the next flight there. He promised the kids he’d keep in touch. He kissed them all goodbye and was packed and out of the Tremont house before Justin got back, and he didn’t look back since.

When he first arrived in New York he fell back into old, very comfortable habits. Pain management. He locked himself away for a week with his best friend. Jim Beam. Cases of Jim, and of course his daily talks with the kids, were the only calming balms in his life at that point.

Then James called. He still didn’t know what compelled him to answer his phone when he saw James number on his cell, though he was inclined to believe it was “Jim’s” doing, and not his. That and the fact that he had to know how Rena was…

James, in his typical Sergeant Friday ‘just the facts’ manner, told Brian the whole truth of what happened to Rena, and why she never told him. Brian felt little knives slice through him with each word James spoke as he told Brian how Rena lost it one night and attacked Emilian. How he beat her, and raped her and how he had the police station paramedic come and patch Rena up. Brian gripped that phone to his ear, painfully envisioning all his sister went through.

James showed no mercy though. He went on to tell Brian that Rena worked through this in therapy and discovered her true intent when she attacked Emilian.

She did not want to kill him, if she did, she would have taken a knife to his throat while he slept. No, she did not want to kill him; she wanted him to kill her.

She knew, or hoped, that if she provoked Emilian hard enough, he’d kill her. In her mind she lost two brothers. She didn’t believe Joan and Jack would ever let Brian come back. In her mind death was her only salvation. Killing herself was not an option, because of her religious beliefs. Just as Andy couldn’t kill himself, so she planned to have Emilian kill her.

Brian’s tears fell freely throughout James’ disclosure. Guilt washed over him in waves so monstrous, it nearly choked him. He wanted to die. Then James told him a truth he didn’t want to face, but it was the truth nonetheless, and the guilt waned to be replaced by anger.

It was Rena who betrayed him.

She had promised him she would stay away from Emilian, but broke that promise. She didn’t trust him. And she continued not to trust him later on by withholding the truth from him. It was a painful revelation, but, as James so bluntly pointed out, a decision he himself would have made if in her position.

Brian knew he was right. If the roles were reversed, he would not believe she would come back for him. Not for want of trying, but because life had taught him, taught them, that you had no fucking control over evil. What happened to Andy turned him into a harsh, cold cynic, and obviously, it did the same to his sister. They both believed at the time there was no hope. Only pain..

What was happening now was just another symptom of the evil that touched them both so long ago. That evil reached its ugly destructive hand out and once again burned him, his sister, and this time, his lover as well. He briefly wondered if they were ever going to be completely free of it.

He hung up with James and pondered his situation long and hard. He knew he couldn’t face Rena or Justin yet, his feelings were still too raw, but he couldn’t continue on his one-man suicidal binge either.

So he did the next best thing. He buried himself in work. When he wasn’t working, he was at the apartment drinking.

Distraction was still his goal at this point, though he was making progress.

He was maintaining and he wasn’t entertaining thoughts of white scarves and ceiling fans anymore. Well at least not too often.

Yet he was far from being ready to face his feelings on the betrayal on both his sister and his lover’s part. He refused to acknowledge how angry he was with Justin for lying to him, or how hurt he was at Rena for not trusting him then, or now…or…

FUCK!

He didn’t want to think about this! He couldn’t.

It’s fucking New York for God sakes! Central Park no less! Couldn’t someone at least mug him? That would surely distract him.

Brian snarled and turned to walk down to the zoo. With a little luck he just might fall into the bear pit.

He was rounding the corner towards his destination when he heard a ghastly, unnatural sound.

 

“Waaaahhhhhh…”

Brian made a face at the obnoxious wail. It sounded much like the howling of a wounded animal.

The closer he got, the more painful it was to listen to.

Try as he may though he could not turn away from it. The abject misery that could be heard through the disgusting sniffling, snorting and sniveling was pulling at him.

He turned to confront the owner of such misery and was surprised to find a beautiful, if not oddly dressed, woman as the source of that God-awful noise. She was sitting on a park bench with a bucket of chicken on her lap oblivious to the scene she was creating.

Brian found himself uncharacteristically drawn to the bawling woman. Usually such vulgar displays of emotions would have him running in the other direction, but there was something about her…

Upon closer inspection, it struck Brian how much she reminded him of Emmett.

Her cloths were overly bright, and oddly matched with her black opaque stockings and lime green mini, very mini skirt and matching jacket. All designer rip offs by the way. Her hair was teased impossibly high and her make up, well what wasn’t washed away from her tears, was thespian. Add to that her award winning drama queen performance and yes, she was most definitely the female version of Emmett.

His perverse curiosity drew him to her and he sat down besides her.

She turned her teary eyed, mascara smeared face towards him and wailed even louder, if that was possible.

He made a disapproving face and reached into his jacket pocket to pull out a handkerchief and handed it to her.

The dark haired peacock took it and said “thank you” In a very nasal voice.

The woman obviously either had a very bad cold, or was losing her voice from all her crying.

“You’re welcome.” He said and sat patiently while she attempted to clean her face up. Once done, she handed the soiled piece of silk back to him.

“No, you keep it.” He said smiling.

She lifted her bucket of chicken to him, offering him some.

He shrugged and took a leg out. What the fuck he thought.

They sat and ate the greasy chicken in silence for a few minutes before Brian’s curiosity got the best of him.

“Boyfriend?” He asked, then was immediately sorry he did cause that brought on a fresh round of high pitched wailing.

“I’d slow down on that if I were you. I’m out of handkerchiefs.” He said, jesting lightly.

She forced a smile through her tears.

“He.he… threeww meee ouuuuuuuutttttt……….” She whined and buried her face in his jacket.

Fucking great. He should have known better than to wear his Holland Esquire damask jacket to the park.

“Ok, enough of that.” Brian said and righted the woman up.

“I’m sooorry…” She said sniffling.

Brian smiled indulgently at the woman. “Sorry’s bullshit. Besides I understand all too well how painful love can be.” He said solemnly.

“Its not thhhhatttt! I never loved him!” The woman whined.

Brian gave her a confused look.

“Then why the fuck are you having hysterics?” He asked.

“Cause now I have to go back to live with my…my… motherrrrrr!” The woman said breaking down into tears again.

Brian laughed and this time gathered the woman in his arms. God she was a fucking drama queen. She almost put Emmett to shame.

“Fuck. Now that IS something to be distraught over. I have one of those. I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone!” He said.

The woman laughed and pulled back from him.

“God look at me! I’m so embarrassed! Crying on some strange man’s shoulder! I must look like an idiot!” She announced, trying to compose herself.

“Not at all. Actually you look quiet charming.” Brian said.

She smiled a sexy smile at him and was about to say something when his cell went off.

His whole demeanor suddenly shifted.

Justin.

He took his cell out and looked at the incoming number. Of course it was Justin. He’d been calling and emailing him several times a day. And each time Brian saw his number, or email address, he breathed a little easier. Though he couldn’t bring himself to deal with him yet he still ‘needed’ to have that connection. As fucked up as that was, it was a reality Brian had come to accept.

How could he love him so fiercely, and completely yet not be sure if he could ever trust him again? He wanted to fuck him and strangle him at the same time.   
Again visions of scarves and ceiling fans danced in his head, only this time a certain blonde was added into the equation.

As badly as he wanted to answer his call, he couldn’t. He was afraid of the confrontation he knew they would eventually have, and he didn’t want that confrontation to be over the phone.

He sighed a bit dramatically himself at his own dilemma and pocketed his cell.

“Girlfriend?” The woman next to him asked empathetically, sensing his distress.

He turned his head to look at her.

“No. Boyfriend.” He said.

The lovely peacock started bawling again.

“NOW, why the fuck are you crying?!” He said a bit exasperated.

“Cause you’re gay and here I thought I was getting lucky!” She complained in that utterly annoying and charming nasal voice.

Brian shook his head and laughed.

“Oh now come on. A looker like you won’t be alone for too long. Trust me, I know these things.” He said soothingly.

The woman made a rude sound in her throat.

“I’m Thir… um, twenty nine years old. Do you know how hard it is to find a good man? They’re either all married or gay!” She said.

Brian was amused at her attempt to hide her age. “Did you ever think maybe you’re trying too hard? I mean you admitted you didn’t love your last boyfriend, why were you with him?” Brian asked.

The peacock shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. He was divorced and seemed very nice. I loved his kids! More than him actually. I’m really good with kids. Just not so good with their fathers.” She said honestly.

“He wasn’t a bad guy. He gave me job at his shop.” She said then turned wide, surprised eyes at him.

“Oh shit! I’m out of a job now tooooo….” The tears started flowing again.

Brian sighed. “Ok, so you’re having a bad day. Do you know what I do when I’m having a bad day?” Brian asked.

“Drink.” The peacock answered.

Brian raised his eyebrow at her.

She blushed slightly then squished her face up. “Sorry, but you smell like whiskey. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very sexy.” She added.

Brian cursed.

The woman laughed.

“So, what’s with the boyfriend?” She asked.

Brian turned his gaze from her.

“It’s complicated.” He said.

“So, un-complicate it.” She said innocently enough. As if it were that simple.

“I’m working on it.” He said.

“Hey, I just laid all my crap on you. It’s your turn. Spill.” She said turning her body towards him and giving him her best, “I’m listening” face.

Brian smiled at her. “Thanks, but no thanks. It’s a long story and personal. Not the kind of thing one talks about to a total stranger.” He said.

She gave him a look. “Oh poo!” She said.

“Poo?” Brian replied, unable to keep the mirth out of his voice.

“Yeah, poo! People pay thousand of dollars to sit and tell perfect strangers their most darkest, deepest intimate thoughts! I should know. I’ve wasted enough money on shrinks! Think of me as Switzerland. I’m neutral, and non judgmental. Plus I’m cheap. You’ve nothing to lose by telling me your problem and it just might make you feel better.” She rationalized.

Brian had to admit a small part of him wanted to talk about it.

He took his cell out again and looked at it, tempted to listen to Justin’s message.

“So, what’s his name?” She asked, looking at the cell in his hand.

Brian chuckled low in his throat.

“Sunshine.” He said.

“Wow. Great name. Was his mother like a flower child or something?” She asked.

Brian laughed at that. “No, it’s a nickname.” He said.

“Ah..Can I ask how he earned that?” She asked.

“If you saw him smile, you’d know.” He said.

She smiled at his response.

“You love him.” She stated. It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah, well love is irrelevant, isn’t it?” He asked.

She furrowed her brow not understanding.

“How can love be irrelevant?” She asked.

“Love has nothing to do with fidelity, trust or loyalty.” Brian spat out bitterly.

The woman flinched at the pain in his voice.

“Ouch! So he cheated on you?” She asked.

“No.”

“Ah, you cheated on him!” She surmised, a satisfied grin on her pixyish features.

Brian smiled and shook his head.

“I don’t cheat. I fuck who I want, when I want. He knows that, knew it from the start.” Brian corrected.

“Oh Poo!” The peacock responded.

“Again with the poo?” Brian asked pushing his tongue in his cheek.

“That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Sharing your body with strangers is not only cheating, it’s selfish and hurtful. What happened, did he kick you out?” She asked.

Brian sighed, exasperated at the woman’s assumptions.

“Listen, this is NOT about cheating! It’s about lying. He hid something from me he shouldn’t have. Something that I had a right to know!” Brian blurted out then cursed at his own omission.

“Oh..” the woman said then bit her bottom lip worriedly.

“Why?” She asked.

The question threw Brian off balance. Why? Good question.

“That’s something I’m afraid you’ll have to ask him.” He answered sarcastically.

“Well, since he’s not here, I’m asking you. Why?” She persisted.

“Obviously because he didn’t trust me.” Brian said.

“Didn’t trust you how? I still don’t get why he would hide something that obviously was so important to you, from you.” She asked confused.

Brian tilted his head and studied the woman.

Why would Justin not trust him? If there was one certainty in his life it was Justin’s love for him. And love meant trust. Justin trusted him completely. With his love and his life. He knew in the very bottom of his soul Justin would do anything for him. He was even willing to die for him when he was in the coma. So why didn’t he trust him to tell him the truth?

And then it hit him…. He lowered his head into his hands and silently cried.

The woman was startled by his action. She scooted next to him and rubbed his back comfortingly.

“Are you alright?” She asked.

Brian wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. He sat back up and smiled at the woman.

“I’m fine. I just figured out why.” He said.

She looked at him, wide eyed, waiting for his response.

“Because he loves me.” He said simply.

She wrinkled her nose at him. “Ok, we established that. What happened to “love is irrelevant?” She asked.

“I was wrong. It IS relevant. It’s the only relevance in our fucked up relationship. Justin loves me so much, he’d risk losing me then causing me pain. And that’s exactly what he did. He tried to protect me, at any cost.” He explained to this strange, wonderful woman sitting next to him.

She smiled brightly at him and playfully punched him on the shoulder.

“Seeee! How can you fault him for that! God I’d kill for a man like that! Does he have a brother?” She asked in that nasal voice that was starting to grow on him.

Brian laughed. “No, but I just might have something for you.” He said.

“Oh, what’s that?” She asked slyly.

“A job.”

That perked her up.

“Awhhhhhhhhhh…” She let out the high pitched gleeful sound enthusiastically.

“Are you serious?!” She asked.

“Very. And a place to stay, so you won’t have to live with your mother. How does that sound?” He asked.

Justin would most definitely approve. He would say it was fate that led him to the crying woman on the bench that made him see reason.

She looked at him skeptically. “It sounds like I might have to do something I don’t think a nice Jewish girl from Brooklyn should be doing.” She answered honestly.

“No, no. I’m serious. I have five children and one on the way…..”

“Wait..” She said interrupting him.

“You got FIVE kids? Are you sure you’re gay?” She asked.

Brian laughed. “It’s a long story. Two are my nephews and two are my cousins that we have custody of. Another is my biological son with a friend of mine. And we have a surrogate carrying my partners and mine child currently. She is due in three months. You said you were good with kids, would you consider being our Nanny?”. Brian asked.

The woman put her hand to her throat and dropped her jaw in shock. The gesture was so dramatic in style Emmett would be proud.

“You are serious!” She declared.

“Yes, very. You would have to relocate though. Our home is in Pittsburgh.” He said.

She made a face at that. “Do they have a Begrdorf in Pittsburgh?” She asked.

Brian leaned into her and whispered conspiratorially. “Better than Bergdorfs. Trust me, I know all the best designer shops in the whole city.” He said.

She looked at him skeptically.

“And at bargain prices.” He threw in as incentive. The woman obviously enjoyed a bargain if her designer rip offs were any indication.

“Come on, let’s go get some coffee and discuss the details. By the way, my name is Brian Kinney.” He said standing and offering her his hand.

She looked up at him, recognition of his name flashed in her eyes.

“The Brian Kinney? Of Kinnetik Global Advertising agency?” She asked

“You know of my firm?” Brian questioned.

“Of course! Bobby, my ex, was a client of yours! He owns BB floral designs. He opened a second shop uptown and hired Kinnetik to do the ad campaign for him!” She announced.

Brian was familiar with the account. BB florists were one of the first clients Cynthia took on when they opened the New York office.

“Floral shop? You sure he wasn’t gay?” He asked half jokingly.

“Actually, no, I’m not sure!” She said laughing taking his hand.

“So now you know me. May I ask to whom I have had the pleasure of talking to?” He asked.

 

“Fran. Fran Fine.” She answered.

 

**********************************************************

 

Jagger sat on the steps of the Brownstone with a scowl on his face. He threw the cigarette he was smoking on the ground and cursed. Where the fuck was Brian? He didn’t sit on a fucking bus for six fucking hours just so he could wait for another two hours for him on the streets in front of his house! He was hungry and he was pissed off as hell.

Everyone was avoiding this whole fucking mess. He decided to take matters into his own hands. Fucking adults were all cowards. Afraid to confront Brian. Well not him! Brian promised him he would always be there for him and Goddamn it he better make good on that promise! One way or another, he was bringing his cousin home.

He got up to stretch when he saw his cousin approach.

 

 

Brian narrowed his eyes in disbelief as he spied Jagger standing on the street in front of the house.

He quickened his step. Fran had a hard time keeping up.

 

“Jagger!” He yelled out, fear laced heavily in his voice.

Jagger instinctively ran into his arms.

“Brian!” He cried out in relief.

Brian hugged him fiercely, then pulled back to look at him.

“What are you doing here? Is everyone all right? Where’s Justin? Does he know you are here?” Brian rattled off the questions frantically.

“I came to bring you home!” Jagger said defiantly, his eyes burning into Brian’s before being drawn to the garishly dressed woman standing next to his cousin.

“Oh no you didn’t!” He screeched stepping back.

Brian looked at him confused, and then followed his gaze, which was currently focused on Fran.

“Jagger this is…”

“You fucking picked up a drag queen! Jesus fucking Christ are you insane? Justin’s going to freak!” Jagger interrupted Brian.

“HEY!” Fran spat out indignantly.

“I am no drag queen young man! And your manners are atrocious!” She scolded.

Jagger winched at her nasal tone and looked at her suspiciously.

“Yeah right, you’re not a drag queen and I’m fucking Mick Jagger of the rolling stones.” Jagger replied sarcastically.

Brian watched the exchange intrigued. He was very interested in how Fran was going to deal with this situation. If there were a litmus test to how good a Nanny Fran would be, Jagger was it.

Fran narrowed her eyes and reached for the boys arm. She then turned to Brian.

“Open the door.” She said indicating the front door to the house.

“Hey!” Jagger protested as Fran pulled him up the stairs to the Brownstone apartment.

Brian quickly opened the door and Fran dragged Jagger inside.

Once inside, she released the boy and closed the door behind them.

She then turned to face Jagger. She studied him for a moment, summing him up.

Then she did the unthinkable.

She opened her jacket, unbuttoned her blouse and flashed Jagger her bra clad breast.

 

“So I guess this means I get backstage passes to your next concert, right Mick?” She said pursing her lips.

Brian burst out laughing.

He turned to his cousin.

“Jagger, meet your new Nanny.”


	77. Coming Home

“Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime;

Therefore, we are saved by hope.

Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;

Therefore, we are saved by faith.

Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone;

Therefore, we are saved by love.

No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;

Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.”

~ Reinhold Niebuhr

 

“What!” Justin barked into the phone.

“Hey”

 

Justin’s heart lodged in his throat at the sound of Brian’s voice. He was in the midst of arguing with Joan when the phone rang. He answered it agitated, yet grateful for the interruption. The last person he expected to be on the other end was Brian.

“Brian….” He breathed in a barely audible, shaken voice. He willfully stomped down the emotions that were threatening to choke him.

“Jagger is here.” Brian said. He closed his eyes and leaned against his bedroom door as the sound of Justin’s voice washed over him.

 

After the scene with Jagger and Fran, Brian decided to check his messages. He left the two alone to get better acquainted with the apartment, and each other, and headed for the privacy of his bedroom.

There were 141 voice and email messages from Justin. Another 80 from his sister and dozens of others from the rest of his family. He spent the last hour listening to all of them, skipping over most and concentrating on those from his sister and Justin.

He hadn’t intended to call Justin. He knew they needed to talk, however he did NOT want to have that conversation over the phone. But the last message Justin had left on his cell scared him. The tone in Justin’s voice told Brian his boy was nearing his breaking point. He had to make this call.

 

Silence….

“Did you hear me?” Brian asked, seriously wondering if Justin had hung up on him. Brian picked up right away on Justin’s frustration and anger when he answered the phone. It was not a good combination, especially when shared by the both of them.

“I heard you. How is he?” Justin asked, getting his emotions under control.

“How are you??!!” His mind screamed, but those words never came out.

“He’s fine. Well once he got over the initial shock.” Brian said smiling to himself.

“Shock? What happened?” Justin asked worriedly.

“He took exception to a Drag Queen he thought I was tricking with.” Brian said smiling to himself remembering Jaggers’ first reaction to Fran.

“Drag queen?!” Justin echoed his surprise.

“Not really your type is it?” Justin frowned into the phone. Brian liked his tricks dark and muscular. Justin had never seen Brian trick with a Drag Queen. Hell, he never tricked with twinks either, yet he took Justin home. Maybe Brian was picking up Drag Queens in New York he thought dejectedly.

“Oh I don’t know, once you get past the hair and makeup- a cock is a cock.” Brian quipped, tongue in cheek.

Justin heard the humor in Brian’s voice and laughed.

“True, but lipstick stains are a bitch on Armani.” He teased back not believing  
they were actually engaging in playful banter as if nothing ever happened…..  
As if Brian hadn’t took off in a rage just two weeks ago upon hearing about his  
sister’ rape, and his lover betrayal by keeping that secret from him.

Brian was having the same reaction as Justin. Their light verbal exchange was surreal. It didn’t matter though. He hung on to each word desperate to keep the connection between them. Neither dared point out the white elephant standing between them.

 

“I hired a Nanny.” Brian said suddenly, changing the topic.

Justin’s heart slammed in his chest and he sunk to the floor.

Joan, who was standing by listening to their strange conversation gasped and rushed to his aide.

“What is it?” She asked.

Justin put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and shook his head at her.

“Please, Joan, let me talk to him alone.” He said.

Joan frowned but nodded her head and turned to leave the room. Except for Joan, the house was empty. Emmett had taken the kids to the mall earlier.

Justin squeezed his eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling. His throat constricted as the bile started to rise up.

He hired a Nanny….

His gut twisted. Why?… Did he intend to stay in New York and fight for joint custody of their baby? Why the fuck else would he need his own Nanny? His mind was racing for answers as panic seized him.

Breathe, just breathe….

His mind chanted over and over. He had no idea how to respond to Brian.

 

Brian listened to the eerie silence on the other end and a knot formed in his stomach. Apparently Justin was not in the mood for ‘idle’ conversation. He searched for something to say, anything just to keep Justin engaged. He wasn’t ready to break their connection, not after not hearing his voice for two weeks.

“The woman is totally unsuitable and most certainly will be a bad influence on our children.” He ventured in a very light haughty manner.

“She’s a pushy peacock with a penchant for wearing loud colors and a ridiculous amount of war paint. She has the most God-awful nasal voice that will probably make your ears bleed. Plus she surpasses Emmett in the drama queen department. But she did put Jagger in his place and that alone earned her the position. That and the fact I think you’re going to totally love her.” Brian said.

When he still heard no response from Justin he added. “Listen, if you don’t like her, we’ll find another nanny. It’s your decision. You know I’m not very good at these things.” He relented.

 

Justin let out a small straggled sob. He gripped the phone tightly to his ear with one hand and ran his other hand over his eyes. Relief flooded through him. Brian didn’t hire his own Nanny; he hired one for them. His emotions crashed in on him and he started to cry.

Brian sucked his breath in as pain ripped through him at the sound of Justin’s tears.

“Justin, please… don’t.” He said brokenly, his own tears threatening to spill forth.

“I’m sorry…” Justin croaked out through his tears.

“Are you ok?” Brian asked.

“NO! I’m not fucking ok! How can I be ok? That is the most fucking pathetic question you’ve ever asked me!” Justin screeched in hysterics. The stress of the last two weeks was finally catching up with him.

Brian cringed at the agony he heard in Justin’s voice.

“ARE YOU OK?!!!” Justin threw the question back at him.

“Me? I’m FINE! Fucking fabulous actually. How else should I be after finding out my sister was raped as a child and my partner knew about it for months without telling me?!” Brian yelled into the phone.

“FUCK.” He cursed, ending his tirade. He did NOT want to do this over the phone!

“I can’t have this conversation Justin. Not now, and definitely not over the phone. I just called to tell you Jagger was here.” Brian spat out bitterly.

 

“Bullshit!” Justin screamed into the phone.

“You could have had Jagger call me himself! Why did you call? Was it to torment me? Is that it? To talk about drag queens and tricks?” Justin demanded in an ominous tone.

The bitterness and pain in Justin’s voice cut through Brian. He was hurting and Brian knew he was the only one who could take that pain away from him.

“Fuck this!” He said and tossed the phone. It landed on the bed.

Justin heard Brian walk off in the distance.

The last thing he heard was Brian calling out someone’s name.

“FRAN!”

 

******************************************************************

 

“FUCK!” Justin cursed loudly on his end and threw the portable phone across the wooden floor.

The sound of it smashing into pieces against the hardwood brought Joan running back into the room.

“What happened?!” She asked frantically.

Justin ran his hands over his face and took a deep, steady breath.

He looked up at Joan from his position on the floor and narrowed his eyes.

“I’m going out. There is something I need to do. Please tell the kids I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He said and got up to leave.

“Where are you going?” Joan asked nervously following him to the door. She had a sinking feeling the conversation with her son did not go well.

“Out.” Justin said and left without another word.

Joan stood in the empty room stunned. Justin went from being hysterical, to eerily calm, to extremely determined in a matter of minutes.

She walked over and retrieved the broken pieces of the phone and shook her head.

For the first time she was truly worried for her son. Living in the Taylor-Kinney household had brought her closer to Brian, and his family. She loved the children, and she couldn’t help but be filled with joy at the happiness she saw in her son’s face every time he looked at Justin. How could anything that loving and beautiful be a sin?

Gay or not, Justin was the best thing that’s ever happened to Brian. If he didn’t fix this thing with him, and quick, she feared he would lose him, and Joan knew that would be a fate worse then Hell for her son.

*************************************************************************

Justin used the key Rena had given him and entered the house. It was just after 9:00 p.m. He cautiously walked into the living room.

“Hello..” He called out.

Shane, who was lying on the couch, sat up groggily at the sound of Justin’s voice.

Justin smiled over at her stunned look.

“Jesus Christ, Justin what the fuck are you doing here?” She asked.

“Where is everyone?” He returned.

“James went to the mall to meet up with Emmett and the kids, and John just left to take Robert home. And don’t ask about Adam!” Shane said.

She was still not talking to her husband. He was over earlier but Shane was on hormonal overload and threw him out. She knew he’d be back sometime later tonight. Adam was a pit bull when it came to getting what he wants, and she counted her blessings each day that what he wanted most was her. Still, she couldn’t help but make him work a bit for it….

Robert, who had just recently been released from the hospital, was staying with Ted. He came to visit tonight while Ted was working late at Kinnetik. Shane was in awe at the mans’ tenacity and stamina. Not only was Ted keeping Kinnetik running smoothly while Brian was away, he was taking care of Robert who was still in a cast from his car accident.

“Where’s Rena?” Justin asked avoiding Shane’s outburst.

Shane tried to push herself up from the couch. Justin came to her aid. She’d gotten so big these past few weeks, everyone was sure she was going to deliver any day now though her due date wasn’t for another 10 weeks.

She took hold of both of his hands and hoisted herself to a standing position.

“She’s upstairs as usual, she barely comes out of her room. It’s about time you two talked. It’s bad enough her brother won’t talk to her. Fucking asshole, then you turned on her.” Shane said.

Justin cringed at Shane’s accusation. It was partly true, though he hadn’t viewed it that way. They had a huge fight after Brian left, each blaming the other for his departure. She tried to call him several times but he made no attempt to call her back. He was too wrapped up in his own pain and anger over the situation.

“I know. But it ends now. I’m ending it now.” Justin said.

“Ending what?” Rena’s voice came from the stairs.

She sounded hoarse, and tired. Justin looked up to see her frail frame descend the stairs. She looked pale, very pale. He felt immediate remorse for not being there for her. He of all people knew what she was going through.

“Rena..” Justin said her name with such emotion it tore at her heart.

She broke down and ran into his arms. Justin held her and cried.

“I’m so sorry…”She said through tears.

“No, I’m sorry. Please, let’s not do this anymore.” Justin said.

Rena wiped her eyes and pulled back from Justin.

“Have you heard from him?” She asked.

“Yeah. He called me tonight. Jagger ran off. He called to tell me he’s there with him.” Justin said.

“I’m glad Jagger is ok, though I’m not surprised he ran off. He is so much like Bean was at that age. Did he say anything else?” She asked expectantly.

“That and he hired a nanny. Oh and something about drag queens.” Justin said with a sad smile.

Rena frowned in confusion.

“It doesn’t make sense. Are you sure he didn’t say anything else?” She queried again.

“No, but listen. I made a decision. I’m going to get him.” Justin said resolutely.

“Justin you can’t! You heard what he said! If either of us follows him to New York, he’ll leave and make sure we never find him!” She said fearfully.

“He would never do that. Trust me. Your brother can be a bit of a drama queen when he wants to be. There is no way he’d abandon his family. He may not be talking to you or me, but he’s been in constant contact with the kids. It’s not going to be easy, but I’ve got make him talk. Only then can we resolve this. It has to end now Rena. But it won’t end if we don’t come clean. All of us.” Justin said.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“I mean you have to come clean with him. About everything. Not just the rape, but with whatever else you’ve been holding back from him.” Justin said with an intuitiveness that shocked Rena.

“How do you know?” she asked quietly.

“Because you’ve been protecting him all his life. And he’s been protecting you. And the only way you two know how to do that is by withholding truths you think will hurt each other. And that’s not love Rena. That’s control. You can’t control his life, nor he yours. I know you each want to ‘fix’ everything in each other’s life so there is no pain. I know, because I’m guilty of doing the same thing. You didn’t force me to lie to Brian, I lied to protect him, and in the end, it only broke us apart. I learned a very valuable lesson from all this, life can hurt, real bad at times, but not being able to trust the one you love is a hurt worse then anything life can throw at you.” Justin said.

Rena looked away from Justin as his words penetrated her mind. He was right. For years, she had withheld big, and little ugly truths from Brian in an attempt to protect him. It started way back when they were kids. She kept things from him that she knew would hurt him because they were already sharing the most horrid experiences. Why pile on?

She knew for a fact that Brian did the same thing. He never spoke about his tricking to get Andy the drugs he so desperately needed. She had questioned him about it on several occasions. He would shrug and tell her it was nothing. He said he was gay anyway and the ‘johns’ were always nice to him. She knew it was a lie. She followed him on more than one occasion to see him hook up with some pretty bad looking men.

One night she heard him crawl in through his bedroom window, and lock his door. She put her ear to the wall, which separated his room from hers only to hear low whimpers coming from the other side. The next day he emerged bruised and cut. He told her and Andy that he fell off his bike trying to master the “frozen wheelie.” Andy was proud of him for trying so hard, but cautioned him to be more careful. She knew that was not the truth but she backed his story and told Andy she saw him do it. Brian gave her an appreciative look, but they never talked about it again.

And it continued on like that throughout their lives. When Emilian raped her, it never crossed her mind to tell Brian. It was a habit they both got into. Lying, hiding and denying anything that was unpleasant from the other. But Justin was right. That wasn’t love that was control. They were trying to control the amount of pain in each other’s lives, having suffered too much of it already.

She had not even realized the impact of years of lying to each other had on her and Brian. In the end, all they managed to do was create distance between them. The pain was still there, it was just hidden. And it would have remained hidden if Justin hadn’t just unraveled it all right in front of her.

A distant buried memory of her and Andy during happier days flashed in her mind. A day when Andy predicted Justin’s role in her life…

“Some day he is going to save you Rena.” Andy stated and nodded his head as to confirm what he saw.  
“Like a Knight in shinning armor!” Rena jumped up and down on the bed in her excitement, the drawing clasped in her hands.

Andy laughed. “Yeah, something like that only not here….” He said as he rolled her on the bed and started tickling her body. She laughed and screeched. He stopped and sobered up.

“Here.” He said and pointed to her head. “And here.” He laid his hand on her heart. Rena didn’t understand, but she liked the boy in the drawing.

 

She understood now. It was all so clear. Justin’s revelation was the beginning of her salvation. She and Brian would never heal from their past until they each exposed the all the ugly truths of it to each other. Only then, when they let the monsters out of their perspective closets, would they be able to face them, unafraid, and take their power away, freeing them from all the pain they represent.

 

She turned back to look at the beautiful boy who captured her brothers heart. The boy Andy predicted would come into their lives and save them. Her from her own emotional self-imprisonment and Brian from a loveless existence and marveled, not for the first time, at Andy’s uncanny gift.

Andy was never wrong. Justin was a Knight in shinning armor.

“Go get your man Justin. Bring him home. Like you said. It’s time we ended this.” She said.

Justin smiled and leaned over and kissed her.

“I’m leaving first thing in the morning. I’ll keep you posted.” He said then headed out the door.

***************************************************************************

 

It was after midnight when Justin finally got into bed. The kids were ecstatic when he told them he was going to bring Brian home. He could have sworn he heard Joan mutter. “About fucking time” under her breath. ‘Saint’ Joan never cursed. Apparently she picked up a few bad habits living at the Taylor-Kinney residence.

He would have left tonight if he could have gotten a flight out, but the first available one wasn’t until morning and he was too fucking tired to make the six-hour drive. He would take the first available flight out in the morning and hopefully be in the New York apartment before Brian gets out of bed. He most likely would be nursing a serious hangover, having drunk himself into a stupor after their conversation earlier this evening. Good Justin thought, it would give him an advantage. He knew his lover too well not to expect him to fight Justin tooth and nail. But Justin was determined. Come morning, he would be exactly where he needed to be. By Brian’s side.

 

He closed his eyes and drifted off for the first time in two weeks into a deep comfortable sleep.

Images of ice-cream kisses and ballroom dancing flooded his dreams. Reflections of Brian laughing, Brian dancing, Brian kissing, Brian fucking, Brian naked emotionally, sprawled out beneath him, inundated his slumber, arousing and seducing him.

Justin was falling deeper into his euphoric state of cataleptic bliss when suddenly and mercilessly he was yanked from his self-indulgent paradise.

It happened so quickly that at first, he wasn’t sure if he was awake or still asleep. The delicious burn coursing through him however took away any doubts of his state of consciousness.

Justin hissed in exquisite pain.

 

“Did that hurt Sunshine?”

 

Brian was home…..

He had climbed into their bed while Justin was sleeping, pulled his underwear off, lifted his legs and entered him with one quick thrust. Though his condom was lubed, the intrusion was unexpected, and swift, taking Justin completely by surprise. He wasn’t ready for his entrance.

“No.” Justin automatically muttered then cursed. Didn’t he JUST have this conversation with Rena?

“ I mean yes..” He stammered opening his eyes to meet Brian’s.

Brian eyes were dark, and intense. Justin involuntarily shivered. Brian was in a mood. A dark mood.

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Brian was home….

“The truth. How novel.” Brian said snidely then slowly pulled out only to thrust back in again, this time harder, and deeper.

Justin threw his head back and moaned, teetering on the edge between pain and pleasure.

“Easy sonny boy...” Brian said emotion thick in his voice.

He laid buried deep inside of his boy, holding on to the connection. The only connection he could trust. God he missed him.

Hearing his blonde’s anxiety over the phone was enough to send Brian running back home. He literally threw Fran and Jagger into the car and drove the 6 hours, at breakneck speed, to get to his lover.

As soon as he saw him lying in their bed sleeping peacefully, with that beautiful smile playing across his lips he had to have him. He got into bed and took what was his. What would always be his…

 

“Oh God, Brian…” Justin murmured unintelligibly squeezing his eyes shut, concentrating on the feel of Brian. Lost to the sweet agony of being filled by him completely.

Brian leaned over and kissed Justin hard on the mouth. His tongue darted inside possessively, tasting him, drinking him in hungrily.

Justin returned the kiss with equal fervor. Two weeks was a lifetime for them.

Their mouths danced over each other’s, taking and giving with each stroke of their tongues, each nip with their teeth, each brush of their lips against the others. They kissed with a hunger that would not be denied. Their breath mingled till the point where when one inhaled, the other exhaled and their breathing became one.

Brian allowed himself this luxury for longer than he intended before finally pulling away. He stared down into his lover’s lust filled eyes wanting nothing better than to give them both the release their bodies were screaming for. But he needed Justin to hear him first. To really ‘hear’ and understand…

“Justin..” He breathed his name.

Justin answered by lifting his hips imploring Brian to move inside him.

“JUSTIN!” Brian called his name more forcefully this time. A slight sheen of sweat broke out over his brow as he reigned in his mounting desires.

“Brian please…..” Justin rasped.

Brian took Justin’s wrists and held them above his head.

“Listen to me Justin, are you listening?” He said huskily.

Justin’s mind rebelled at Brian’s words. He didn’t want to listen; he wanted to ‘feel’. He closed his eyes and turned his head away from Brian’s intense gaze.

“Please, Brian, fuck me.. fuck me…I need you so bad… fuck me. We’ll talk later.” Justin managed to croak out.

“NO. Now Justin, now. With me deep inside of you, I need to say this.” Brian wheezed gruffly.

Justin opened his eyes and turned to look at his lover. The intensity in his hazel orbs took Justin’s breath away.

“I’m listening…” He said breathlessly, his body screaming at him for release, yet his heart winning out to the ‘need’ he heard in his loves voice.

Brian touched his forehead to Justin’s. His breath was labored, more so from his emotions, then physical exertion.

“I can take any pain this world has to throw at me.” He whispered throatily.

"I’ve lost my brother, my first love, to a horrible death. My sister was taken from me, my father abused me and my mother was helpless to save me. I’ve been raped, beaten, shot, and comatose. And I’ve survived it all. Pain has been so much a part of my life that I accept it without reservation or regret. But there’s one pain I could never accept, one that I would never survive, and that is the pain from believing you’ve lost faith in me. You are my beacon Justin. The light to my darkness. The only fucking thing in this whole world that I can trust is your faith in me and the inevitability of us.” Brian paused to fill his lungs. His emotions had literally sucked the air from him.

“Don’t ever make me doubt that trust again…Do you understand?” Brian demanded. Tears pooled in the bottom of his eyes, threatening to spill over.

Justin’s heart clenched painfully tight. He understood perfectly what Brian was telling him. Unfortunately, he came to that understanding a little late causing the love of his life unnecessary heartache and doubt.

“Yes Brian. I understand. I was wrong, so very wrong. I won’t defend my actions, only my reasons. I did what I did out of love, but I think you already know that.” Justin said smiling up at Brian.

Brian closed his eyes, drinking in Justin’s words.

Justin wiggled his wrists free from Brian’s grasp and cupped his face in his hands. Brian nestled his cheek into the warmth of Justin’s palm. Justin turned his face so that their lips met. He kissed his lover with a tenderness that nearly undid them both.

Brian melted into Justin’s loving caress. When he pulled back he saw baby blues, dark with passion, and something else..

“But understand this,” Justin continued unswervingly.

“I NEVER lost faith in you. I lost faith in me. I wasn’t strong enough to see you in pain. Brian, you are my strength, my life, my love. When you hurt, I hurt. I’m sorry, I was a coward. And don’t say sorry’s bullshit!” Justin stopped Brian before he could voice that sentiment.

 

“I won’t let us down again. I promise. NO matter what life throws at us, I’ll know that even if I lose faith in me, that you have enough faith for the both of us.” Justin spoke the words as if they were vows.

And they were. Reaffirming vows of their love, commitment and faith in each other.

Brian pulled his bottom lip in and bit it nervously.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Brian breathed a sigh of relief and gathered Justin to him; hugging him fiercely. He buried his face in his neck, and Justin could feel the wetness from his silent tears permeate his skin. His body shook as waves of intense emotions over took him.

Brian was using every ounce of will not to drown in all that he was feeling, afraid that the weight of it would be too much for him to bear.

Sensing Brian’s distress, Justin gave his lover what he needed. What they both needed.

He squeezed down around Brian’s cock and rolled his hips forward calling upon Brian’s sexual desire to take over the emotional overload he was falling victim to.

Brian eagerly grasped the lifeline Justin threw him, channeling all his emotions into the one he was most comfortable with.

Lust.

He sat back on his haunches and pulled Justin’s hips to him. He then slid his hands down, under his thighs and pushed them forward so that his knees were nearly touching his shoulders. He leaned his body over his boy; his cock still buried deep inside of him and began a slow, steady rhythm.

His throbbing cock hammered away relentlessly, hitting that sweet spot with each thrust. He drove into Justin deeper and faster, ramming him, fucking him, losing himself in him.

Justin met him, as only Justin could, thrust for thrust, giving and taking all Brian had to offer.

His moans were low and throaty, speaking volumes to Brian.

“Oh fuck, God, now, please now……..” Justin grabbed Brian’s shoulders and screamed out his need.

Brian reached between their bodies and stroked Justin’s cock.

He felt the muscles in Justin’s ass contract, and his balls tighten. He could feel Justin’s orgasm upon him. He doubled his efforts and greedily drove into him deeper, lowering mouth to capture Justin’s in a passion filled kiss.

Justin moaned deeply into Brian’s mouth and dug his fingers into his shoulders, holding on for dear life.

Brian pounded away into his boy, straining to hold back his orgasm until Justin had reached his. He shifted his position slightly so that he was now hitting Justin’s prostrate at a different angle.

Justin bucked beneath him and let out a guttural cry. Brian swallowed it as they both exploded into an earth-shattering climax.

After several minutes of cumming, and bodies jerking as little aftershocks of their union danced through their bodies, they collapsed into each other.

Justin held on tightly to his lover as he tried to catch his breath.

Brian was home…..

After a considerable amount of time past, and their breathing steadied, Brian reluctantly pulled out of Justin and rolled to his side, taking Justin with him.

Justin nestled into Brian’s side and stretched like a well-satisfied, content cat.

Brian wrapped his arms around his boy and pulled him closer to him.

“That was hot.” He said.

Justin let out a small tired laugh. He could hear the smirk in Brian’s voice.

“Yes, very..” He purred.

Brian reached over and grabbed a cigarette from his nightstand. He lit it, took a drag and offered it to Justin.

Justin shook his head no and buried his head deeper into Brian’s side, drinking in the smell of him. More then anything, he missed Brian’s smell. While he was gone, he slept with his arms wrapped around his pillow, that’s when he slept at all, and lost himself in the scent left behind by his partner.

It was uniquely Brian. Part French expensive shampoo, part Lagerfeld cologne, Justin’s favorite, and part dark musk that was pure Brian. Earthy and intoxicating.

Brian lay there smoking his cigarette. A comfortable quiet settled over them.

Justin raised his head to look at his partner and was taken back by the serene look on his face. Brian was happy… Justin’s heart swelled.

“Welcome home.” He said.

Brian looked down at Justin and smiled. He put his cigarette out and reached down to kiss Justin.

“I never left home Sunshine.” He said when he pulled away.

Justin looked up at him confused. Brian smiled.

“You are my home Justin. And I never left you…” He said earnestly.

Justin teared up at Brian’s admission. He may have run off to lick his wounds, but Brian never left ‘home’. He never left him.

“Nor would I ever let you.” Justin countered.

Brian gathered Justin into his arms. He lowered his mouth to his and gently, yet thoroughly kissed him. It wasn’t long before their passions took hold of them and they were once again, dancing their dance of love.

Only this time, it was Justin’s name on Brian’s lips as Justin plunged into him…

***************************************************************************

“Um, Fran, Jagger told me you were a drag queen, is that true?” Peter asked nervously, yet Fran saw a hint of mischief dance in the young boy’s eyes.

“Forget it Peter, I’m not showing you my tits.” Fran said smirking.

Joan raised her eyebrows disapprovingly at her. Fran shrugged and tried to look sorry. What the hell did the woman expect from her?

She and Jagger were unceremoniously thrown in the car last night and drove six hours to his house. Brian had shown her to her room, which she had to admit was nicer than a room at the Ritz, and left her to her own devices. She woke up early this morning and had to introduce herself to his family.

The kids were all adorable. Especially Lizzy and little Johnny. Peter and Jagger however were mischievous little imps. She had to be on her toes around them.

She had to also introduce herself to Brian’s mother, who apparently was living with them, though she said it was only temporary.

The woman had he most sour disposition she ever encountered. She wondered if she ever smiled and if she did, would her face crack? She was currently throwing Fran the most disapproving, disdainful looks she’d ever been on the receiving end of. Though she couldn’t totally fault the woman. Fran was a fright this morning.

She had no change of clothes with her, or makeup, which was truly horrifying for her. She was currently wearing a pair of Lizzy’s jeans, and a tee shirt the boys gave her, that she was drowning in. All her personal belongings were in New York.

“Here Fran, try this.” Lizzy came into the room carrying a small make up kit Rena had given her.

Fran eyed the small box like a kid eyes candy.

“Child you are an Angelll..” She squealed out in her nasal voice.

Both Jagger and Peter put their hands over their ears.

Johnny laughed.

Fran took off for the bathroom with the makeup kit in her hands.

Brian descended the stairs at that moment with a ruffled Justin right behind him.

Several yelps and enthusiastic cries filled the room at Brian’s entrance. All at once several children attacked him. Each throwing questions at him in rapid succession.

“Whoa… easy! One at a time!” Brian said hugging them all fiercely. Brian fucking Kinney was excited to see his children. His children. Fuck if this wasn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

 

“Can we keep her Uncle Brian?” This request came from Peter.

Brian raised an eyebrow at him.

“I see you met Fran.” He said.

Justin went into the kitchen and grabbed two cups of coffee for them.

He walked back over to Brian and handed him his.

“So where is this “Fran?” He asked in his best waspish voice.

“She’s in the bathroom Cuz.” Jagger said.

“Is she the nanny you were talking about? Or the Drag Queen?” He inquired of Brian with a sly look.

“Both.” Brian said and took a sip of his coffee.

As if on cue, Fran came out of the bathroom and joined them.

Joan gasped.

Brian cursed.

Lizzy and Johnny giggled.

Peter and Jagger’s mouths dropped open.

And Justin, having just taken a sip of his coffee, spit it out.

She was exactly as Brian described her, though Justin wouldn’t have believed it in a million years. He truly thought Brian was fucking with him, but there she stood, a peacock for sure, wearing way too much make up and dressed well, if not colorfully, most definitely provocatively.

Her hair was teased impossibly high and the color was one that could only have come from a bottle, it was blue black and shinny. She was wearing a pair of jeans that were way too tight for her. Justin thought they looked familiar. Her tee shirt was knotted up under her breast, not only accentuated their size, but exposing a fair amount of mid drift. A pair of what was at least 3” heels completed the look. Yip. He could see why she might be mistaken for a Drag Queen.

Justin had to admit though she did have a great body, one that he noticed Jagger and Peter were currently appreciating way too much.

“Whaaat?” Fran said in that nasal voice Brian forewarned would make Justin’s ears bleed.

It almost did. Justin cringed, but then quickly found his manners.

He walked up to the woman, slapping both Jagger and Peter upside the head on his way so that they’d close their mouths, and introduced himself.

“I’m so sorry for they boys, they’re just not use to having such a..a.. beautiful woman grace our home.” Justin said awkwardly. He could hear Brian laugh behind him.

Fran tilted her head and looked at Justin. He smiled at her. Her face suddenly lit up in recognition.

“SUNSHINE!” she squealed, guessing this handsome young man had to be Brian’s partner, the one he called Sunshine. With a smile like that, what other nickname could he have?

Justin looked back over his shoulder and scowled at Brian. Brian shrugged his shoulders and moved over to the dinning room table, allowing Justin to handle the situation at hand on his own.

Justin looked back to Fran.

“I’m Justin.” Justin said and extended his hand.

“Oh please with the hand shake! Come here gorgeous!” She said and pulled him in for a big hug.

Justin let out a small gasp and hugged her back. She was infectious, much like Emmett.

Emmett… Now he understood the attraction. She did remind him a lot of Emmett. Colorful, animated, emotional and out going. The only difference being, other than the obvious, (or maybe not so obvious) was one was a Southerner, the other a Northerner. In addition to her nasal quality voice, Fran had a distinct city accent.

Justin pulled away from her and took her by the hand.

“Why don’t you come eat breakfast us and we can talk. Get better acquainted.” He suggested leading her over to the dining room table.

“I’ll whip up some pancakes!” Lizzy offered. She totally adored this new addition to their family. There was something so charming about her. She told them that Brian had hired her as their nanny. She hoped Justin liked her. She wanted Fran to stay.

“Lizzy you can cook? That’s wonderful! I wish I could. I can’t even boil water.” Fran said and winked at the kids who all followed her to the table.

Joan took her seat at the other end and watched this intruder. She did not like the woman, at all. What was her son thinking?

“You can’t cook?” Joan asked accusatory.

“God no! But I can order pizza with the best of them.” She quipped.

Joan snorted. “The woman is useless.” She said.

“Mother...” Brian warned over his coffee.

Joan scowled at him.

“Brian, I know it’s none of my business…”

“That’s right. It isn’t.” Brian interrupted his mother.

“But how can you expect this, this person to care for your baby! She can barely dress herself! Look at her! How is she going to dress a baby? I bet she’s never even changed a diaper!” Joan said, ignoring her son’s warnings.

Brian was about to say something when Fran interrupted him.

“I have too changed a diaper before!” She said defensively then turned to Justin.

“I dated this guy once who was into that, if you know what I mean. I actually got very good at it! Oh, well except that one time I accidentally pricked him with the safety pin. Big baby cried for almost an hour. But hey, I dare you to find someone better at fashioning the flying angel wing.” She said loud enough for Joan to hear, yet her eyes held Justin’s.

Justin could see the mischief in Fran’s eyes and had to hide his smile.

Joan sputtered. The kids all laughed, totally enjoying the exchange.

“Well I never!” Joan exclaimed.

“Well maybe you should lady! Lighten up! Seriously, I am very good with kids! I practically raised my ex’s kids. You don’t even know me, why don’t you like me?” Fran asked bluntly.

Brian smiled. It’s one of the things he liked about Fran. Her way of just coming out and getting to the heart of the matter. NO bullshit.

 

Joan pursed her lips, but kept silent.

Brian sighed.

“Joan, give Fran a chance. Justin and I like her.” He said, already knowing by the look in Justin’s eyes that he had accepted Fran in his mind.

“Brian’s right. Fran stays.” Justin said then turned his attention to Brian.

“You should know Bri, that your mother is not taking her medicine.” He said turning the tables on Joan.

Brian’s eyes narrowed. “Why the fuck not?” He asked, his demeanor suddenly changing.

The doctors told her that the pills would stop the progression of her disease.

“Please, what for? The side affects are not worth me taking them on the chance they might give me another few years.” She said determinedly.

“Too fucking bad. You’re going to start taking them, immediately.” Brian said firmly.

“You can’t tell me what to do!” Joan countered.

The family sat back quietly. They knew better to get in-between Brian and his mother when they went at it. They were both stubborn, and they each could be very cruel.

“The fuck I can’t!” Brian snarled at her.

Joan was about to reply when Fran spoke up.

“Actually you can’t.” She said. Brian threw her a death glare.

She cringed but continued. “She has every right to live, and die as she pleases.” Fran said then turned to Joan.

“I respect your choice. As should your son. I mean, if you want to go, go. What’s stopping you? Your son is very capable of taking care of himself, and I’m here now to take care of your grandkids! So what if I can’t change a baby’s diaper? I mean, how hard can it be? What’s the worse that could happen?” She said that last part in a cocky voice and made a face that said, “please!”

Justin again had to hold in his laugh. Oh yeah, she was going to fit right in he thought. She was too sharp to let any of the kids, or Joan, or Brian for that matter get away with shit.

Joan’s face turned beat red. She pushed her chair back and stood up to leave the table.

Brian turned his glare on Fran.

“Whaat?!” She asked in mock innocence and slid her body behind Justin’s.

Justin shrugged his shoulders and gave Brian an awkward smile.

“Bri…” He tried to calm the outburst he knew was coming.

Brian was about to ream her out when Joan reentered the room, carrying two bottles of pills. She sat back down at the table

“Lizzy, please get me a glass of water.” She said.

Lizzy went to do her grandmothers bidding. All the kids thought of Joan as their grandmother.

Brian raised his brow at her.

“I’ll suffer the nausea, and hair loss if I have to, but I’ll be damned if I leave this earth with THAT woman in charge of my grandchild’s welfare!” She announced to the table out loud.

Justin’s jaw dropped.

“We’ll I’ll be damned. Even Emmett couldn’t get her to take them pills.” He said quietly.

Fran threw Brian a satisfied smile as she reached across him for an apple that was in a fruit bowl sitting on the table.

“Honey I told you I can handle this job.” She whispered for his ears only and winked at him before sinking back down in her seat.

Brian shook his head.

“Did I mention I’m not very good at these things?” He said to Justin.

Justin laughed. “Actually Brian, in this case. You were absolutely perfect.” He answered leaning over to give him a quick kiss.

“Um, so we can keep her?” Peter said.

Fran threw her napkin at him. “Down boy.” She admonished.

Brian laughed. “Yes, we can keep her.” He said then turned to Fran.

“That is if she’ll have us.” He asked.

Fran gave him a sly look. “That depends.” She said.

Brian leaned back and put his tongue in his cheek.

“On what?” He asked.

“Well first, I need to get my clothes.” She said.

“I’ll buy you a whole new wardrobe.” He said thinking it was the best solution. He hated to think what her wardrobe looked like.

Fran perked up at that. Justin knew Brian’s intent.

“We have a friend, Emmett. I know you’ll just love him Fran. He’ll take you shopping. I think you two will have a lot in common.” He said bursting Brian’s bubble. Brian sneered playfully at him.

“Greaaat!” Fran squealed. Several hands around the table went to their ears.

“What’s second?” Brian asked, hearing Fran’s first request.

“Second, you have to have at least one straight friend to introduce me to! I’m thir..um, twenty nine years old. I’d like to know I’m not going to be spending the next several years surrounded by only gay men!” She said.

Brian looked to Justin. They knew very few straight men. Carl, Deb’s beau, John, Rena’s fiancé, and Adam, Shane’s husband. But between the three of them, they were sure they had to know some single straight guys.

“We know three actually. And I’m sure they know at lot more.” Brian assured her.

Fran squealed in delight.

“Jesus are we ever going to get use to that noise?” Jagger asked.

Fran laughed totally un-offended. She knew all too well how grating her voice was.

She really liked this odd little family. She had a feeling she was going to be very happy here…

 

Lizzy brought the pancakes to the table and every dug in. Brian excused himself from the table and went to retrieve his coat.

Justin got up to follow him.

“You’re going now?” He asked.

Brian nodded his head.

“Tell the kids I’ll be back later.” He said.

Justin reached up and kissed him gently on the lips.

“It will be fine.” He said.

Brian smiled tightly and left.

Justin returned to the table and sat down. Lizzy placed a plate of pancakes in front of him but he found he suddenly lost his appetite.

“Where did Uncle Brian go?” Johnny asked.

“He went to see your Aunt Rena honey.” Justin said.

His eyes met Joan’s across the tables. They both knew how emotional that meeting was going to be.

Justin squared his shoulders and plastered a smile on his face.

“So Fran, tell us more about yourself….”

***********************************************************************

Brian pulled up to his sister’s house and sat in the car for what seemed like an eternity. He and Justin had a long talk early this morning about his sister. He was still blown away at the insight Justin had on his and Rena’s relationship.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t already aware of everything Justin said. He knew all too well that Rena kept secrets from him, just as he did from her. It was what they did. How they were conditioned.

The one thing he didn’t realize however was that fact that their secrecy had put a wedge between them. They never talked. Really talked. They loved each more than anything. They were bonded in ways no one could understand, yet did they even know each other?

No.

That was the simple answer. He didn’t know his sister, and she didn’t know him. Loving someone and knowing them did not necessarily go hand in hand he realized. And he DID want to get to know his sister. But the only way he was going to do that was if he let her know him, as well.

He opened the car door and walked up to the house. Quietly, he let himself in.

Rena was sitting at the kitchen table with John, Adam and Shane.

She turned her eyes to him when she heard him enter and froze. Her heart slammed in her chest. She knew this was coming, but now that the moment was here, what the fuck was she supposed to do?

Brian smiled at her.

“Hey sis, I’m back.” He said.

Rena cleared her voice. “I see that.” She said.

Adam, John and Shane suddenly felt very uncomfortable. John was the first one to react.

“Welcome home Bri.” He said and rose to give his friend a hug.

Brian hugged him back and whispered in his ear.

“How is she?”

“Much better, now that you’re here.” John answered quietly.

Shane tapped John on the shoulder.

“Um, if you get any closer, Justin is going to rip you a new one. And not in a positive life affirming way. Now give the man some room.” She said  
putting some levity into the situation.

John pulled away laughing.

“Speaking of room. You’ve taken up enough of it, don’t you think? Jesus Shane, does Adam have to cart you around in a wheel barrel these days?” He joked.

Shane stuck her tongue out at him.

“Assshole.” She said then pulled him in for a hug, which wasn’t easy to do with her big belly.

Brian looked over at Adam. “You still feeding her junk food?” He accused.

Adam threw his hands up and sighed. “According to you everything she does is my fault!” He said.

Brian laughed. “Not everything. Just the bad things.” Brian countered.

Shane turned to Rena. “See Re, everything is right in the world again. Adam and Brian are nipping at each other’s heels.” She said smiling.

Rena smiled weakly at her.

John went over to her and leaned down to kiss her.

“I’m going to see how Robert is doing and Adam is taking Shane back now. It’s time she went home gorgeous. Brian’s back.” He informed her.

Rena nodded her head. She knew Shane only pretended being at odds with her husband as an excuse to stay with Rena but she couldn’t’ even feel guilty about it. She needed her, besides; Adam was practically staying there as well. It was the only reason why James had felt comfortable enough to leave for a few hours a day to be with Emmett. Now THAT she did feel guilty about. They were fighting because she and Justin were not on speaking terms. Hopefully that was resolved now that she and Justin made up. James was with Emmett right now trying to right things between them.

“You’re right.” She whispered then turned her gaze on Shane.

“Shane, thank you.” She said.

“You’re kidding, right? I mean, Jesus Re, look at me.. I’m married for fucks sake, and having a baby! If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today, this happy. If you hadn’t have found me that night way back, sitting on the bathroom floor bleeding my veins out, I would be dead today, or worse. And believe me, I know there is worse.” She said compellingly.

“You saved me Rena. Not only saved me, but loved me and made me part of your family. Don’t thank me. Don’t ever thank me.” Shane stressed in a very poignant voice.

Tears sprang to Rena’s eyes. She got up from the table and rounded on Shane pulling her in and hugging her fiercely. Both woman held on to each other and cried.

“Ok, enough with this lesbianic shit.” Brian said breaking into their emotional fanfare.

Rena and Shane parted reluctantly laughing, wiping their eyes.

“He’ll never change.” Rena sighed for emphasis then turned her eyes to her brother.

“Thank God.” She added with a soft smile.

Brian made a face as if he were going to be sick.

“Do I really need this? God Justin is rubbing off on you!” He said brusquely, yet the softness in his eyes betrayed his intent.

 

“What I need…” He said grabbing Adam and Shane by their arms.

“Is for Adam to take his big ass wife home so I can talk to my sister alone.” Brian said propelling them towards the door.

Shane’s mouth dropped open as Brian unceremoniously escorted her and Adam out.

“Big ass! Well you should know, you’re the biggest ass of them all!” She said smiling at her own humor.

“Ha ha…” Brian barked snidely, and then reached over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Adam. Later.” He said.

Adam guided Shane out. “Later.”

John came up behind them.

“I guess that’s my cue to leave.” He said.

Brian smiled. “I’ll call you. Don’t worry.” He said.

John gave him an odd look.

“Why the fuck would I worry? You’re her brother. No one is ever going to love her as you do. Not even me.” He said sagely.

Brian nodded his head accepting John’s words. He was right. Though Rena’s future lay with John, her past belonged to him.

“True. But no one is ever going to love her like you either.” Brian countered.

“I know.” John said smugly and winked. He then left Brian alone with his sister.

Brian turned to face his sister.

“Got coffee?” He asked.

She raised her brow. “What? No Beam? This definitely seems like a Beam moment to me.” Rena said half jokingly.

“No Beam Rena. We’ve both had our share over the years, don’t you think?” He said.

Rena nodded her head. They had. It was their first line of defense. Drink it away…

Rena poured them two cups of coffee and sat them at the kitchen table. Brian joined her there.

They sat quietly drinking the coffee for a while.

Brian was the first to break the silence.

“I want you to meet someone.” He said out of the blue. His eyes fixated on the dark liquid in his cup.

“Ok.” Rena said watching him intently.

He took a deep breath and look up at her..

“Hi, I’m Brian Kinney. You’re brother.” He said.

 

And that’s how it began.

Brian went on to tell Rena all about himself, holding nothing back. He spoke with restrained tears of his time tricking for Andy’s drugs. He told her about the first time he was raped and the subsequent times afterwards and how he’d grown numb to it and how he really didn’t regret one moment of it because in the end, the drugs he scored eased Andy’s pain a bit.

He then told her about his return visit to the streets in New York when he ran off after she left with Viv. And how he was living in a crack house, using heavily. And the time he went a bit too far and wound up in the hospital, which subsequently ended with him doing a stint at the Cross Roads Juvenal detention center.

He told her how Vic had saved him and he managed to live, day by day, without killing himself, though the pain never went away. And love, well the closest he got to that after she had left was his friendship with Mikey, but even that relationship, which he treasures to this day, did not fill the gaping hole left in his heart.

He told her about the day she stopped writing him, and how Tom told him she wasn’t going to contact him ever again. That was the night he went to Mr. Goodbars, and if it weren’t for Mikey, he would have not made it out of Goodbars.

And then he told her about Justin… And how finally, a little ray of Sunshine broke through the darkness that invaded his soul. And how he fought that light so hard, afraid it was just an illusion. But in the end, it saved him, and it made life worth living again.

But through it all, he told her, he never stopped missing her, or loving her…..

 

Rena listened quietly as tears streamed down her face. When he was finished, she got up and embraced him physically, but more importantly, she embraced him symbolically. She embraced the little 6-year-old boy with the wide eyes and missing front tooth she remembered so well. She embraced the cocky, 9 year old who was so proud he made it on the soccer team that first year. She embraced the gangly 12-year-old boy who played on the monkey bars with her and Andy. She embraced the beaten, broken 13 year old boy who sold his innocence to save his brother, and she embraced the adult who was her brother, the man he’d become, the man she was just getting to know.

And Brian accepted her embrace. It was a union long over due.

She knew what it took for Brian to open himself to her as he did. Exposing her to all his pain, and his joy. It was humbling, and she took strength from it as she sat back down and introduced herself, to him.

Rena. The small scared little girl who knew far longer than Brian did the abuse Andy was enduring.  
Rena, the adolescent girl who was brutally raped by her father.  
Rena, the teenager who was so confused and damaged she started drowning herself in drugs, booze and sex.  
Rena, the young woman who struggled through medical school in order to create a new identify for herself because the old one was too horrifying to accept.  
Rena, the doctor who was given a chance at love with Sean, her first love, but threw it away for she feared he would recoil in disgust if he saw the monster laying beneath the physician’s façade.  
And then, finally, she introduced to her brother Rena, the woman she was today. Healed because of him, and his insistence that she seek medical help for her seizures. A woman able to love now with out fear, or pain for John was her soul mate, who accepted her completely without judgment.

Rena, his sister.

 

Brian left his sisters house some time later with a sense of renewed life and hope. He drove up Tremont Street and saw the kids playing outside. He parked his car down the road a bit and turned the engine off and just watched.

Lizzy, Peter and Jagger where throwing a ball back and forth from one to the other while Johnny stood in the middle desperately trying to snatch it from them. They were all laughing and Brian smiled as memories of him, Andy and Rena playing in the park, laughing, teasing each other filled him and he thought, for the very first time.

 

Yes… I was that young, and that happy.

And he remember that because that very same happiness he felt as a child, before all the ugliness, jumped into his heart the moment he saw Justin exit the building to join the children in their antics.

Justin was about to snatch the ball away from Jagger to give to Johnny when he spotted Brian sitting in his car down the block.

He graced him with one of his brilliant smiles. As always, the smile went right to his heart and filled it with all the love and joy that was meant for him. And only him.

Brian responded by giving Justin one of his smiles. One that he knew Justin never saw before. One unaffected, and unrestricted. One he hadn’t smiled in a very, very long time.

_'Yes….I AM that happy right now….._' It said.


	78. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading...

Epilogue

 

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."

~ Louis L'Amour

 

15 months later…….

 

“No!” Gus wiggled in his fathers lap and folded his arms across his chest while mustering up the most intractable expression he could on his handsome little face.

 

Brian sighed.

“Sonny boy, listen to me. Are you listening?” Brian tried once again to reason with his son, which he was finding was very difficult. His son was way to willful and stubborn. He wondered where he inherited those traits from. Probably his mother.

“No!” Gus once again said emphatically.

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand while his other hand remained wrapped around Gus’s waist, steadying him on his lap.

“What’s the problem?” Joan said, coming up to her son and grandson, witnessing the clash of wills from across the lawn. It was a scene so familiar to her.

Brian looked up at his mother.

“Gus doesn’t want to go back to kindergarten.” He informed her.

Joan frowned at the boy, though it did not reach her eyes. She found very little to be miserable about these days.

Her health had improved over the past year. The pills had stopped the progression of her disease, and though she now had to wear a wig, since her hair was all gone, she felt much better, most days, and was able to be with her grandchildren.

It was a year of healing for her, both physically and emotionally. She and Brian had been able to forge a ‘real’ relationship.

It started with their common love for the children, but somewhere along the way, it turned into their love for each other. She had always loved her son, though she never knew how to show it, and Brian had come to love her. Though she was not going to win any mother of the year awards in this lifetime, she was content with the fact that Brian had true affection for her, and was happy she was with them, sharing in the joy of being part of his family.

“Well I’m not surprised. You and Lindsey spoil him.” Joan announced.

“Mother, you are not helping the situation here.” Brian complained.

Joan sighed. “Why don’t you want to go back to school Gus? You’ve only been there two weeks. And just last week you were so excited about the field trip your class is going on. What happened?” Joan inquired.

“Mrs. Beenard is a tattle tale! She told Mama and Mommy that I pushed Robbie.” Gus said pouting.

“Well, did you?” Joan asked in the Kinney ‘no bullshit’ manner they were famous for.

“Well he pushed me first!” Gus said defensively.

Joan threw her hands up. “Stubborn as a mule! Why am I not surprised? Now you know what I had to go through with you!” She announced.

Fran walked up to the threesome sensing trouble. It was never good when three Kinney’s congregated. One was bad enough, three was explosive.

“Hey Gussie, you’re missing the party! Don’t you want a ride on the pony?” She asked.

Joan practically sneered at her. “You know Fran, it’s a children’s birthday party. Could you NOT find something more suitable to wear?” She asked accusingly.

Fran looked down at her attire. She was wearing bright red pedal pusher pants, with a bright yellow short sleeve blouse that she had tied in a knot just above her belly button. She shrugged not seeing the problem. Even Emmett thought it was a conservative look for her.

“When are you going to accept the fact I’m not Marry Poppins Joan! If it were up to you I’d be wearing a habit!” She defended herself.

 

“I don’t want a pony ride!” Gus interrupted Joan and Fran’s banter.

It was often like that with the two of them, but Joan had to admit, Fran turned out to be one hell of a Nanny. Often times, Brian and Justin turned to her for help with one of the children. She truly had a way with teenagers. But what surprised Joan the most was how good she was with babies.

Fran looked to Brian. Brian shrugged.

“It seems Gus doesn’t want to go to school anymore because Mrs. Beenard told his mommies that he pushed Billy.” Brian explained.

“Robbie! Geesh Dad, you never get names right!” Gus complained and rolled his eyes.

The adults laughed.

“Oh, well then Brian don’t send him there anymore. We’ll just find him another school. Of course Gus, you’ll have to leave all your friends behind. And you’ll have to miss the field trip… Oh, and you won’t be able to be dropped off at Daddy J’s, art studio after school anymore, cause the new school will probably be to far away….”Fran trailed off.

Gus’s eyes grew wider in horror with each of Fran’s prediction.

“Well then, that’s all settled!” Brian said picking up on Fran’s ploy.

“We’ll get you enrolled in the new school on Monday. You won’t ever have to see your old school or friends again.” Brian said.

“Um, I don’t know…”Gus faltered.

“What’s the matter sonny boy?” Brian asked, desperately trying to hide his smile.

“I don’t want to miss the field trip Dad. And you know Daddy J will be mad if I don’t show up for my art lessons. Maybe we can talk about the new school after the field trip?” Gus suggested.

Brian laughed at his boys’ manipulations. Now that he knew he got from his mother.

“Ok sonny boy. What ever you want.” He said then kissed the top of his head.

Gus smiled, kissed his dad, and hopped off his lap to take his turn on the pony.

“Come on Joan, lets go get some cake before it’s all gone.” Fran said.

Joan rolled her eyes but followed.

“Hey stud, you hiding out?” Justin came up behind Brian and put his arms around his neck.

“Hmmm.. Nice thought, but no such luck. Gus had a little ‘moment.” He said turning around to his lover and pulling him down into the patio chair with him.

Justin shifted so that he was facing Brian. “Moment over?” He asked seductively.

“Keep looking at me like that Sunshine and I’ll drag you over to those rose bushes and fuck your brains out.” Brian threatened lustfully and nipped at Justin’s bottom lip.

Justin laughed. “I wouldn’t mind the roses, but I think the thorns will be hell on my ass.” He purred.

“Fuck the thorns, I’LL be hell on your ass.” Brian growled and pulled Justin in for a heart-stopping kiss.

“Ok you two, knock it off. There are children here. A few of them are yours in fact. Actually more than a few.” Rena said wobbling over to them.

Brian reluctantly released his blonde and turned to his sister.

“You know Re, I just had a brilliant idea for a campaign for John’s new Birth control pill. It will just feature a picture of you holding up the disc of pills with the words, “Cock blocker” written underneath.’ Brian quipped.

“haa hahh. Very funny.” Rena said.

“Hey, no picking on the pregnant women.” John said coming up behind Rena.

“What do you mean ‘women?” Brian asked.

Rena and John, having just gotten married 6 months ago, were already expecting their first child. The procedure she had apparently worked. Rena was 4 months pregnant.

Her wedding cost him a fucking fortune, but he didn’t care. It was truly a grand affair. He refused for John or Rena to pay for any of it, feeling it was his responsibility as it was his responsibility, and honor, to walk her down the aisle and give her away, according the ritual of the Catholic church. It was the first time Brian Fucking Kinney shed a tear in public. In a fucking church no less! He had to spend the next three nights cleansing himself of that lesbianic moment carousing the floors of Babylon 7.

“Shit! I thought she told him.” John said to Rena.

“Who told me what?” Brian asked again.

Justin got up from his lap.

“PLEASE tell me you knew nothing about this.” Brian asked.

Justin gave him a face. “Fuck no!” He said.

 

“Calm down! Shane wanted to tell you herself, but not till after the party. She’s pregnant again.” Rena said.

“Oh my God, that’s fantastic! Where is she?” Justin asked scanning Rena’s expansive beautifully manicured back yard.

It truly was the perfect place to have the children’s first birthday party. Currently, it looked like a marvelous carnival with colorful banners and clowns, and ponies. And the weather couldn’t have been more cooperative. It was a warm sunny fall September day with intervals of soft breezes breaking through.

“There she is!” Justin announce spotting her over at the punch table talking to Emmett and James.

Brian put his hand on Justin’s arm, stopping him from calling out to her.

“Let her tell us in her own time.” Brian said.

Justin smiled and turned back to Rena. “Adam must be ecstatic!” He said.

“He is. But today is just for Anna, Maria and Andy. They don’t want anything to take away from their special day. It’s not everyday a kid turns one you know.” Rena said.

“Speaking of the prince and princess, where are they? Last time I saw our babies Nana and your mother practically ripped them from my arms to show off to some waspish relatives of yours.” Brian snorted.

“Oh leave them be. It’s the very first time my mother is a grandmother, and my grandmother is a great grandmother. Didn’t you know this is more about them, then it is about our children?” Justin teased.

Brian laughed.

It was true. Everyone in the family took special pride in their babies. It came as a shock to everyone when Lucy delivered twins. Fraternal twins. One girl, who looked like an angel with her blond curly hair and cherub cheeks, and no Brian was NOT bias just because she was the spitting image of Justin, and a boy, who was more handsome than Brian could ever dream of being with his piercing hazel eyes and dark auburn hair. Some said he was the spitting image of Brian, but Brian knew he could never be that good looking.

They named their children Andy, as promised to Lucy, and in memory of his beloved brother, and Maria, in honor of the woman who raised him. At first, he thought his mother would take offense, but she didn’t. She was very happy Brian named the little girl after the woman who was able to give her son the comfort she was not able to.

As fate would have it, Shane and Lucy went into labor the same day. Shane gave birth to a beautiful baby girl they named Anna. Today, the three babies were celebrating their first birthday.

It had been a blissful, stressful, sleepless year, one that Brian and Justin would gladly relive over and over again given the chance. Fran was truly amazing with the babies. And Lizzy was the ultimate mothers helper. Joan was the doting grandmother and Johnny, Peter and Jagger each learned how to change diapers. Even Brian changed a diaper or two, though only in the privacy of their loft with Justin there. He had his image to uphold after all.

 

Viv, Tom and Margot flew in when Shane and Lucy gave birth and stayed three months. Brian relented when they insisted on taking the twins to New York to buy each the new Glamajama haute couture line of baby clothes. Provided of course that he tag along. He had to admit, he actually enjoyed Viv and Margot’s company. Yes, they were vicious cunts, but vicious cunts that knew how to shop.

 

As promised, after a six-month separation period, Lucy and her children were once again part of their lives. It was hard on Lucy those first few months, but God bless the Munchers, (did he really just think that?) they were an amazing support system for her. Lucy was now engaged to Mark. Soon, Brian new, he would be another addition to their extended family.

Emmett and James had moved in with each other 3 months ago and were now an official couple. Brian never thought he saw Em happier. And James was finally comfortable in his own skin, and had come to terms with his own ugly past. Emmett was truly a soothing balm to James. Brian was very happy for them both.

Ted and John’s brother Robert had also moved in together. Though that was no surprise to anyone. Brian thought they were perfect for each other. Robert was deaf, and Theodore boring as shit. Theodore was smiling way too much at work these days Brian mused. He’d have to find a way to torture the man. Hey, a man had to have his hobbies…

Mikey and Ben had registered with Angelmatchers, the same agency Brian and Justin went to find their surrogate and was scheduled to meet with a prospective surrogate next week. Of course Michael would be the donor.

Ben was doing amazingly well these days. Still no viral load detection and his t-cells were good. The cocktails were really working for him. Remington pharmaceutical was just months away from launching a new anti-viral drug that would help HIV patients’ immune system block the AIDS virus. It was good news for Ben, but not Vic.

They were still a long way off from finding a cure for AIDS. Vic’s health seemed to be deteriorating, Brian feared, though Vic gave no sign he was feeling ill. Brian looked over to where he stood, snapping away photos of the guests. He and Deb went out when the babies were born and bought new cameras and video recorders. They were the family’s official photographers. Everyone in their extended family had tons of pictures of the babies. Vic was pretty good with a camera. The pictures were great.

Of course they couldn’t’ hold a candle to Justin’s paintings. The loft, and his studio, “The T.K. School for Young Artists”, which already had twenty-five students registered for the fall semester, were filled with paintings of their children. There was one in particular though that was Brian’s favorite. It was a portrait of him and Justin, holding the twins, with all their other children standing behind them. It was a fucking Norman Rockwell painting, but Brian liked it. A lot.

 

Everyone loved the painting so much, that when Justin first revealed it to them, it brought up the discussion of Lizzy, Jagger, Peter and Johnny’s guardianship. Justin had wanted to adopt all the children, but was reluctant to bring the subject up with the children. He didn’t want to offend the memory of their parents. Brian decided to broach the topic one night as they were looking at Justin’s newest creation. The family portrait.

 

“Sunshine you outdid yourself this time.” Brian said

“We really do look like a family, don’t we?” Johnny commented.

Brian looked at all the kids gathered.

“We ARE a family.” He said.

“In fact, Justin and I would like to ask you children a very important question.” He ventured bluntly.

“Brian…” Justin started to object; afraid it would upset the children.

“No, Justin, it’s what we want.” Brian said.

“Dude, you’re freaking us out, spill.” Peter said.

Brian took a deep breath. “With no disrespect to either of your parents, my sister Claire, or my Uncle Aidan, it is our desire to adopt all of you. We want to make us a family legally. If you don’t want to, we’ll understand. No matter what, we are, and always will be family. We just want to make it official. Look at it this way, you’ll all then be entitled to fight over our estate when we die.” Brian said.

Jagger snickered at that.

“Hey, it’s cool with us.” Jagger said speaking for himself and Lizzy. She nodded her consent.

“We never knew our father, and you and J have been like fathers to us. We’ll never forget our mother. Though for different reasons.” Jagger snarled that last part.

Lizzy remembered her mother fondly, choosing, as she always did, to recall the good things and not the bad. Jagger however, was still very bitter. His memories of his mother were of drugs, booze and men that constantly took precedence over her own children.

“Dude, do you really think I would want to keep my fathers name?” Peter said.

Justin’s eyes glazed up at Peter’s admission. It had been a while since the subject of Peter’s abuse at his fathers’ hands was broached. Peter still went to therapy, but his sessions were cut to just once a month now. He’d been doing remarkably well. Though Justin was sure it was due mostly to Emmett’s influence, and the support of his family. Peter finally felt safe, and secure. Not threatened any more by men, especially gay men.

Johnny just ran up to Brian and hugged him tightly as tears streamed down his face. Poor little guy never felt wanted. Claire had always favored Peter. Probably because she knew what his father did to him, and felt guilty over not being able to do anything about it. If it weren’t for Joan, Johnny would have received no attention. Except for the rare times Claire allowed Brian to see him. Brian had always had a soft spot for Johnny.

“I gather you approve too.” Brian said hugging Johnny back.

 

It was a very emotional day for them all, and today Jagger, Lizzy, Peter and Johnny all carried “Taylor-Kinney” surnames.

Yes, they were family. They were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing colds and toothpaste, stealing each others desserts, hiding shampoo, baby sitting their siblings, borrowing money, locking each other out of their rooms, inflicting pain and then kissing it away in the same instant; loving, laughing, defending, and sharing a common happiness, that only could be found in being part of a family.

 

Brian got up from the patio chair and grabbed Justin’s hand.

 

“Come on Sunshine. Lets gather the troops. Time to go home.” He said.

Justin smiled up brightly at Brian.

“What? No detour to the rose garden?” He asked suggestively.

Brian’s nostrils flared lustfully. He bent over and captured Justin’s mouth in a kiss that promised so much more.

“Re, do me a favor.” He said breathless as he pulled his mouth from Justin’s.

“Cover for us.” He said dragging his blonde towards the gardens.

Rena threw her head back and laughed.

“You got it Bean!” She yelled to the retreating pair as they disappeared into her garden.

 

“You know we could follow them…” John suggested seductively.

Rena leaned back into him and sighed rubbing her belly.

“We could, but then someone is bound to come looking for us.” She said smiling.

John rested his chin on top of Rena’s head.

“You’re probably right. Besides, they could use the time alone. Seven kids! Jesus, do you think they’ll survive?” John mused out loud.

“Oh yes, they most certainly will survive. It’s what they do best.” Rena said.

 

***************************************************************************

 

Sitting on a cloud, smiling down at the beautiful image of his family and their happiness, sat Andy.

“So, are you ready now?” Gabriel the Angel came down to ask him.

Andy looked softly upon the Angel.

“I wish it were time. But I fear, I’m still needed.” Andy said.

Gabriel smiled at the beautiful boy who chose to stay behind to watch over his siblings.

“Very well.” He said then reached out to brush Andy’s cheek.

Andy immediately felt the strength of all-powerful love that Gabriel’s touch infused into his soul.

“Thank you.” He whispered when Gabriel pulled his hand away.

The Angel smiled then turned and ascended back up into Heaven.

He knew this young soul would need the strength that comes from pure love to be able to help the two souls down on earth in the years to come.

For indeed, there would come a time when once again Andy would have to intervene on behalf of his earthly family.

 

The End………

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sequel to this story, Return to Me, and A Stitch in Time, (in that order) can be found here  
> http://www.queereyes.net/fiction/viewuser.php?uid=5


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